1 of 6
by Laureles
Summary: Merlin is happy when his mother remarries, but finds out soon his life controlled by the man he would have to call his family. While finding about his sexuality, about his feelings, Merlin gets confused, ashamed and hurt. There seems to be no way out. Slow-build Merthur, Happy ending! Warnings: Child abuse, multiple rape, yaoi, selfharm.
1. Chapter 1 - Moving

Every 1 of every 6 boys and 1 of every 4 girls are estimated to be molested before aduldhood in USA. While I'm not from America, I find it revolting that in a modern civilisation children get to face this kind of world too often. This story is dedicated to everyone of those, who has suffered in hands of others. Has it been a parent, a stepparent, a neighbour, a teacher or anybody else, everyone has the right to tell what we do with our bodies and while I have never suffered sexual, or physical abuse, I know there are many of those who have. And it was never their fault! I hope that my story represents even a fraction of feelings of those who have suffered.

I hope to raise awareness of the pain and humiliation and dificulties one have to go trough even in modern, western civilisation even to this day. Sexual abuse is a horrible, horrible crime. One that affects the victim trough all of their life. It's something one can never fully forget. I can only hope that we are the generation that can start to make the difference on this, and many other things that are unjust in this world.

This story will be long, slowbuilt and hopefully realistic.

I was inspired by Bloodthistyangle and their story Dollhouse. I also have to thank them for their support and for encouraging me to write and publish my story. I own nothing and I'm not a native speaker. I hope my lack of grammar or vocabulary doesn't get in the way of my message.

My goal in life is to understand others, so if you have any comments or thoughts, please don't hesitate to comment or PM me, I would be grateful to hear what you think.

Thank you for reading!

-L

EDIT: Now betaed by MalteseFalconM! The newest chapters and slowly but surely, starting from the beginning, the earlier chapters. So, new readers, the quality of language will drop at certain point. If that bothers you, please, drop by later as we are working on getting it updated as soon as our jobs and school allow it. Thank you all for bearing with me and my lack of spelling skills!

* * *

The big city. He was moving to the big city. Merlin still couldn't comprehend the fact that he was going to move to the big city! He was so excited! He and his mother had always lived in a small country village. Just a few fields, a couple of cows, nothing special. Everybody knew him and he knew everybody. He had felt for a long time already that he didn't belong here and now he had a chance to see the wider world. Awesome!

It had been a couple of months now since the rich Uther Pendragon had come to visit Merlin's home village to negotiate buying some land. He was planning on building a factory here on the river's edge where Merlin lived with his mother. The villagers were thrilled as not only would the factory bring work to this poor corner of land but also Pendragon Corp. would have to build a new road for the factory. Needless to say, the old one had seen it's better days…

The only one hesitating was Hunith. She would get a fair price for her run-down, small cottage but she had always said that all her memories were there. She had, of course, thought of moving before. If not for herself, then for her son. To a better place with better schools and more life that she knew Merlin craved. But she had no idea what to do or where to go and with what money, so she was stressed. Even more now that the decision was forced on her. Still, she had no say in this matter because she didn't own the land.

But the situation had turned itself upside down! Uther Pendragon had come himself to make an offer on their house. Uther Pendragon was a businessman who ate other businessmen for breakfast but for some reason he had stayed in their house for over two hours and when his secretary had come to inform him that they had to leave soon, Uther had made sure to arrange a new meeting with Hunith. So when he came next time with flowers it didn't surprise Merlin very much.

After a few more visits, Hunith received a very nice sum from her house and Uther made sure that it was only demolished when it was absolutely necessary. That took four months. In those months, Uther visited often and when Hunith came to Merlin's small room one night, Merlin already knew what this conversation was going to be about. Uther had asked Hunith to move in with him. Of course, Merlin was also welcome to move with her and now Hunith was asking Merlin if it was ok. Merlin didn't have much of an opinion, he had nothing against the man who seemed to like his mother so very much, so he actually had just one question to ask his mother.

"Do you love him?" he asked, expecting the answer to be clear but instead his mother looked a bit pained. "Oh Merlin, that is the question I have no answer to myself." Merlin was shocked to hear that kind of response, as his mother had always been a very determined woman.

"What?! But you have been with him for, like, months now! And I thought that you always said that you don't want an 'ok' man because-" Merlin replied before his ranting was cut off by his mother "I know! I know… it's just… he is not a bad man he- he is nice. And he is considerate and he seems so genuine. And I'm thinking of you also, he…" The pause was long enough for Merlin to return the favour and cut in "Me? Really mum, that's so cliché that it's not even funny, you don't have to think about me, why would you think about me? And please don't say it's because I need a father figure!"

His mother sighed. "Merlin… I don't think you understand it now, but I'm the only one here who doesn't have a man to help me take care of you and even if I hadn't been reluctant to take another man after your father, well, let's be honest, there really hasn't been much choice here has there?" Merlin thought about old-man Ben, who raised (surprise) sheep, and young Eddie, who was closer to his age than his mother's.

"I know." Merlin said admitting his defeat. "But I don't need a father! I have you and I'm happy!" he continued in a tone much surer than he felt. Hunith sighed. "Merlin love, I know that you want to live in a bigger place than this… you are special, not like the others here, I know you." This made Merlin feel proud, if also a bit uncomfortable, that his mother did know him. But he was already 13… How lame to be understood by your mother…

"So you are saying that you are going to get married because I want to move to a bigger place?" he asked, now a bit of humour in his voice. It wasn't like anybody was there to witness his close relationship with his mother.

"Merlin! Of course not! How dare you!?" Hunith said, but her tone was more amused than angry. "And who is talking about a marriage here anyway?!" Merlin laughed briefly but got more serious when the smile on his mother's lips faded. "You are talented. You are much more intelligent and meant for much greater things than the other children here." Merlin frowned briefly from the use of 'children' but didn't say anything.

"In a bigger city and a better school you would have a better chance of learning all the things you want and- and also I- I think that I could do something myself." At this Hunith smiled shyly and Merlin couldn't be anything else than happy for his mother. He had felt for a long time that one of the things separating him from the other youths in this village was his interest in the outside world and disinterest in the other people who lived here. He also knew that his mother (and maybe father?) was the source of that. The only times he could really show this part of himself was when he was talking with his mother. This, of course, was something that he would never tell anyone…

"If I had a man supporting us, what do you think, am I too old to start studying?" Hunith asked, almost shyly. "Maybe I wouldn't be any good but, you know I have always been interested in medical studies and now maybe I could, you know, just test it out and-" Merlin recognised his mother was rambling so he stopped her "Mum, you would do great. How about being a nurse?" From there on they spent a good while discussing the possibilities for Hunith and her studies.

"So, can I take it that you would be fine with me going to live with Uther?" Hunith finally asked, shyly. "Mum, I really don't see any bad points here and if you are ok with it, then I guess I'll just be happy to see more of the big world. The only thing I'm going to miss greatly is James Miller's jokes…" James Miller was the middle son of a farmer who lived two houses over, which was also along the route towards the school Merlin attended (with everyone else here) and was a constant annoyance. James wasn't the brightest one out there and he had this habit of following Merlin on the annoyingly long walk to school and making weird noises when Merlin walked (which made some of his friends laugh when they were in the third grade). Hunith grinned and again Merlin was reminded how much a friend his mother was to him (he wasn't sure if he felt happy of pathetic because of that).

"What about Will?" His mother's question surprised Merlin and it wasn't the easiest to answer. "I'll miss him," he answered truthfully "but I can always call him" he said with a grin. For a moment he thought that his mother had a weird look on her face, but it faded away quickly. "I'll tell Uther tomorrow that we are moving, but I guess it will be at least another month, so sleep well tonight and we'll start packing when everything is settled." his mother finally said and Merlin nodded back at her, smiling a bit too brightly in order to give her some peace of mind.

A moment later Hunith closed the door of Merlin's room and let Merlin ponder over his thoughts. Merlin was quite sure that she thought he needed some time to think this over, but in reality there was no need for that. He had never felt this excited. Not even when Will had dared him to climb on the roof of the old mill and the roof had given away.

Will… Merlin would miss him. Will had been his only friend, someone who he felt comfortable with. Merlin was friendly by nature so he got along with most of the villagers but he wasn't that close to anyone. He just wasn't very comfortable with them and most of the things they were interested in bored Merlin to death. In a community this small there was a fine line between being an insider or a total outcast. He knew he was different, he just didn't know how yet. For now, he could just act like the rest of them but sooner or later he would be isolated as a weirdo or continue pretending for the rest of his life with polite greetings and favours. He knew this and he knew that Will knew. That's why he could rely on Will. Would everything be different in the big city? Maybe. Would he need Will anymore? Of course he would. Will was his best friend and he would keep in touch with him for sure.

With final thoughts of whether the bed would be softer in the 'rich Uther Pendragon's' house, Merlin fell asleep.

* * *

The new school was huge. He had been expecting it, but seeing the mass of students in the hallways was still overwhelming. But the curious looks Merlin had waited for never came. There were so many students that even they couldn't tell if he was new or not, it seemed. However, everything was so… so alive! So vibrant and so many different groups of people… So different from the world where everyone knew what kind of furniture every single one of your schoolmates had or how many sheep their family owned.

"Hah! See how he runs!" Merlin snapped out of his amazement and frowned as he saw a kid chasing coins that had apparently fallen from his purse that was now on the floor. Merlin stopped one of the coins with his foot and directed his speech to an arrogant looking blonde, his maybe-to-be stepbrother.

"That's enough my friend" Merlin said in an even voice. In his old community that would have been enough to address the situation, but now he had a whole hallway full of eyes looking at him and the said blonde was all eyes himself. "What did you call me?" came the reply, in quite an alarming voice. Merlin had to think for a moment but came up with an answer fairly quickly. "Friend" he said with a neutral tone. "And are we friends?" came the reply in a tone Merlin should have recognised to be intimidating. "No" he replied fast but calm, "I don't think so."

"So it was your mistake then." It wasn't a question. "Yes" Merlin replied, which made the blonde grin with a feeling of satisfaction. "I don't have friends who could be such an ass." This didn't seem to make the other party happy, but some in the hallway started laughing. This just encouraged Merlin but made the blonde seemingly angry. "I could take you apart with one blow" Arthur said with a certainty in his voice. "I could take you apart in even less." Merlin replied automatically and regretted it as soon as he had said it. He wasn't the type to fight and what little he knew about Arthur, it wouldn't end well for Merlin. Arthur did well in about every sport and was part of the school football team.

Arthur seemed to know that too, because now he looked smug. He raised his arms in mock surrender and said "Go on and get me then." When Merlin did nothing he continued. "Come on." Arthur taunted, scorn all over his tone. Merlin felt that he had no other choice and plunged towards Arthur, who dodged easily (of course) and bent Merlin's arm painfully behind his back. "We need to talk." he hissed in a low voice and started dragging Merlin to another location.

Merlin soon found himself pinned to a quiet corner, which he actually found relieving due to the lack of people surrounding them. He was not used to so many people staring at him. "Stay out of my business" was the first thing Arthur said. Merlin was actually a bit surprised to hear his voice because he had totally forgotten that Arthur had said they needed to talk. His arm was still painfully bent and Merlin couldn't turn to face Arthur, but he still managed to say "So you want me to let you be a prick?" Arthur bent Merlin's hand with more force which made him lower to the floor. "I don't need advice from some country bumpkin like you." Arthur spat and with a final squeeze, he let Merlin go and disappeared. Merlin took a moment to massage his sore arm and calm down.

'What a prat' he thought as he went back to the crowd in order to navigate to his next class. He was quite sure he didn't like Arthur very much.

* * *

Arthur was pissed. His day was ruined. God, he hated his life right now! He wasn't exactly revolted by the idea of his father remarrying but boy was he pissed off because of the changes to his household.

Merlin and his mother, Hunith, had moved in about one week ago and the changes were everywhere. His father had been smiling all over the place, something Arthur was not used to, Merlin had gotten the room next to his, the one that had been Morgana's until she had left home about four years ago and by God, how much noise could one boy make about how fabulous his new room was? Like he had grown up in a barn or something…

Arthur had always worked hard. He had tried everything he could to make his father proud of him and now the said man was taking a second son and fussing about him at every opportunity… And that, that Merlin, couldn't even be quiet and just … be! But he had to make noise of how awesome his room was, how big their school was and how something everything was. _God!_

Arthur decided that Merlin was not his brother in any way. He wasn't even going to exist to him.

Merlin managed to find his classroom in time (for a change). It was biology, something he had always felt interested in. He liked to learn how the world functioned. Be it a plant or a human, everything was a part of a bigger picture. He saw Arthur sitting a few seats in front of him and he couldn't stop himself from thinking that there were James' everywhere. 'This must be one of the downsides of moving to a bigger city, there are bigger bullies' he mused, trying not to ruin his generally good mood.

When his day was over, Uther came to pick him up in his awesome car. Merlin had never been good with cars and, anyway, the only cars he recognised were the Corona's and Escort's the local farmers owned. Uther's car had been the talk of the week when it was first spotted in his home village. It had soft seats and working air conditioning and heating! For Merlin, that was his favourite part of the car because he got cold easily. That Arthur stayed at the school for football practice every day was an added bonus, Merlin didn't have to see him for three hours after school when Arthur got a lift home from someone older in the team.

When they arrived at Merlin's new home, he couldn't stop marvelling at the space and neatness and fashion of the décor. The entrance opened into a nice big living room that had a ceiling up to the second floor. The stairs that started from the side of the living room to the second floor where there was first Arthur's room, second Merlin's room and finally Uther's study (which was private, but Merlin was not interested because he had seen it already). On the other side of the stairs was a huge kitchen and a dining room and after those a master bedroom. All the bedrooms had their own bathrooms and the master bedroom lead to the gardens. There was also an inside garage with a connecting door next to the stairs. To Merlin this felt like a dream. A very luxurious dream.

Merlin only realised he had stopped in the middle of the hallway when Uther came to hug him from behind. "I'm glad to see you like my house." he said. Merlin felt happy that his stepfather had accepted him as part of family and he turned and hugged him briefly before saying that he had to do some homework and went to his room.

When Merlin closed his door he still couldn't believe that this really was his room… It was almost as big as their house in the village! He had his own bathroom right next to the door on the right and built in the opposite wall a huge closet. Further in the room opened to a much wider layout and his bed was on the right-hand side with an awesomely soft mattress and linen. On the left-hand side there was a couch and at the end of his room was a desk and a big window so he could see their yard and some scenery (because of course the house was built on a hill with great scenery!).

The furniture wasn't picked by him, he had heard that Arthur's sister (who had already left home to study in university) had lived here and she had decorated the room. To Merlin's relief she had quite plain, and not at all girly, taste. His sofa was comfortable and grey in colour. His curtains were white with some violet and silver, his massive desk was polished wood and bed cover was dark violet. There was not much else and Merlin didn't have many options or belongings, so he had just arranged everything he owned into his desk and closet. The desk was so big and it had cupboards on both sides that Merlin had been able to put all of his books inside of, so he didn't need a bookshelf like Arthur had.

'This SO makes up for having to have an idiot for a brother' Merlin mused before he took his books and started to do some homework. He didn't want to let his new stepfather down, who was obviously very strict about grades. Merlin understood this and studying was not a problem for him anyway. He was just glad to have the challenge he never could have in the village. He didn't have to be careful about having too good grades, in the small village one could easily became bullied for being too smartsy…

He liked it here. It felt like home, where he could be himself like never before. The only downside was that he missed Will (he wanted to share this all with him at least once a day) and the prat (who luckily wasn't home that much anyway because of all the football practises).

'I really lucked out' Merlin thought before he started to read his homework assignment for the day.

* * *

Betaed by MalteseFalconM


	2. Chapter 2 - New family, new friends

Christmas came quickly. Merlin had used so much time adapting to his new life that he had barely noticed the holiday season creeping to its place. This was quite unusual because he had always loved Christmas. Usually Merlin and his mother would have gone to Wills family house and he would have gotten good time in a loud and goofy way with Will and their mothers would drink some wine and for once let them carry out every single one of their not so intelligent schemes. They would then eat too much and have some neighbours popping by. Usually someone would even get them a Christmas three from the forrest and when Merlin and Will had been little (or not so little) it had been their job to decorate the tree and they used hours on their task.

Christmas was very different experience here. It was quiet and Merlin didn't even try to spend time with Arthur who seemed like even Merlin existing made him annoyed. They had gone to a fancy restaurant to eat and Merlin had been so stressed of which order he was supposed to use his cutlery and how he was supposed to eat the food that looked more like art than actual food that he could barely enjoy it. He even had to dress in a suit Uther had bought for him. To be blunt, he didn't like it. Arthur had acted like he had been born in there and looked Merlin annoyed every time he made a mistake.

The house was decorated by maids and Merlin kind of hoped that he had something to do, even if the ornaments and the decoration looked amazing and far better that he could ever make.

Too soon after that came New year and Merlins birthday. Merlins 14th birthday party wasn't a big party, just his mother and his new family. Will had called him to tell him happy birthday and not to get too arrogant in his city life. Merlin had laughed and told him not to turn into a sheep in his country life.

The best part of Merlin birthday had been when Hunith had given him a necklace she told in secret had belonged to his father. It was three swirls forming a symmetrical pattern in silver, a triskelion. Merlin put it into his neck immediately and told his mother his thanks. He felt a little bit sappy for being so close to his mother, he wasn't a child anymore! But at the same time he couldn't stop looking at the pendant which was one of the few thing they had reminding of his father who had died when Merlin had been two years old. Merlin felt a bit proud that his mother had trusted something this valuable to him.

In the evening Merlin had gotten a cake his mother could never have afforded and a cellphone from Uther. A cellphone! He was so thrilled about his new cellphone! He had always been jealous to Will who had a computer in his house and when they were like ten, they had played some computer games with it when Wills mother hadn't needed it. Merlins mother could barely afford a land line… And now he had a cellphone! With all the latest cadgets and all. He would so rub this on Wills face when he had the change! He also got his own bank account and a card to use for himself. When he saw the amount Merlin had got in it he felt his eyes bulge. He could get anything with that kind of money! "Wow." was the only thing he could say while Uther just laughed. Hunith on the other hand looked displeased and Merlin quickly caught on "Thank you mister Pendragon." he said as politely as he could "Please, Merlin, we are a family now, call me farther or Uther if you feel like it." Merlin just smiled and he felt himself grow fond of his new …father.

From Arthur he got a glare that said that he wished Merlin a rotten birthday and that he himself had gotten a cellphone when he was like three years old.

Merlin chose not to care. He stayed up late just watching the fireworks their neighbours were firing. They were fancier than those he had seen in his home village and the view from his window made him able to see so much. He really liked his window.

* * *

After standing up to Arthur, Merlin noticed that he was getting some attention in his new school. It was a bit unnerving for him because he wasn't sure how to react to it all. After the school started again, it hadn't changed that much even if it had toned down. Most of the people talking about him didn't seem to have enough decency not to check if Merlin heard them or not, but not enough nerves to actually come and say what they thought to his face. That was until Merlin met Gwen. Gwen was a prettiest girl Merlin had ever talked to (and who was willingly talking to him). She had curly black hair and copper skin. She didn't wear any make up and she smiled genuinely and seemed smart and funny.

"I saw you when you stood up against Arthur before Christmas." She started when they happened to be waiting for a class to start. "I'm Gwen, by the way." She said and gave Merlin her hand. Merlin smiled at her warmly. He didn't yet have any friends here, not that it had bothered him much, he had so much to get accustomed to. "Right, I'm Merlin." He shook her hand. "But most people call me idiot." He continued. Merlin had heard some of the gossipers call him that and he had heard Arthur definitely call him that. Gwen looked at him denying "Oh, no! I thought you were brave!" Merlin found some humour in her statement. It wasn't like he took offence on the comments and he found Gwens attempt to make him feel better a bit funny. "It was stupid." He said not feeling like he had to defend himself. He had been stupid to challenge Arthur to a physical fight. "I'm clad you walked away, you weren't gonna beat him." Gwen continued catching on with a smile on her face. Merlin looked at her and laughed. That was funny. And with just one comment he felt that they were in the same wave length.

"I could beat him." He said a bit to make her stay and mostly to make her laugh. Gwen laughed and Merlin smiled in triumph. "You think?" Gwen asked him sarcastically which made Merlin laugh too. "Because you don't seem like those big muscly kind of fellows." Gwen continued and Merlins smile faltered. "Thanks…" he said unsure of how to react and Gwen seemed to notice it. "I don't mean that you couldn't beat him… It's just that you don't look like those big, save the world kind of guys… I'm sure you are stronger than you look!" Gwen tried to save herself but Merlin only could look confused. He heard the contradiction in Gwens words even thought he had a feeling that Gwen didn't mean any harm. At most, he still kind of felt that she was funny.

"Anyway, it was great you stood up on him." Gwen finished looking at Merlin sounding a bit careful on her words. Merlin just smiled at her and said "You think so?" Gwen seemed to find a bit more courage and she said enthusiastically "Arthurs a bully. And everybody thought that you were a real hero." Merlin looked at her skeptically but feeling happy inside "Oh really?" He asked and Gwen nodded happily "Mmm-hmm." She just answered. Merlin grinned at her. It was rare that he felt that someone was worth being friends with and now he felt exactly that. Gwen smiled at him and when the class started, they sat next to each others and made silent comments during the class. It seemed that Merlin had made his first friend.

* * *

That same day Merlin was reading a book in the living room couch when Arthur arrived home. He looked tired and grumpy and there was a slight limp in his right leg. He didn't seem to notice Merlin who remained still and didn't much more than glance at Arthur. However when Merlin heard Arthurs voice talking with his father, Merlin got interested. The tone of the conversation wasn't nice. It seemed that Arthur had sprained his ankled and Uther was mostly concerned of how that would affect on Arthurs performance in football. Arthur made it clear that this wouldn't affect him in any way and Uther had practically said that then he would except Arthur to become a captain next year. Arthur tried to tell his father that it was rare for someone who wasn't in the final year to become a captain but Uther wouldn't listen "Rare but not unheard of." was his comment.

To Merlin this felt weird and unjust. Arthur was already good with everything. Why was his father demanding him to be exceptional also? And with something like football… It just didn't seem right. WAsn't that supposed to be a hobby? Something for fun and games? Merlin had seen Arthurs temper and he was waiting for Arthur to protest or even start a fight, but none of that came. There was a pause and after that Arthur just simply said "Yes, father."

Merlin had completely forgot his book then. When Arthur walked to the stairs he finally noticed Merlin who was now openly staring. Arthur frowned at him but said nothing. His father would have heard it, Merlin deducted. After Arthur had disappeared upstairs, Merlin couldn't help but think again why Arthur was acting like he was. His life wasn't as easy as Merlin had thought it had been.

After that Merlin watched Arthur and his relationship with his father more closely. He noticed how Arthur seemed to feel some of the pressure build on him was unreasonable and at times he protested or tried to explain himself but every time the conversation would end with a 'yes father'. Merlin also noticed that every time Arthur went somewhere other than to school or football practices, it was to study with his friends or to a library. Merlin started to notice how tired Arthur was at times. Merlin started to feel guilty for thinking that Arthur was a complete jerk. He himself didn't have that kind of problems with Uther. He seemed to understand somewhat that Merlins old school wasn't the best and Merlin was quiet and studied anyway and he really didn't have any extra activities or places he wanted to go, so Uther kind of just let him be.

Merlin called Will a couple of times a week and that was enough for him. He hanged out with Gwen at school and with a huge library in his school and all the books he could loan from there or from Arthurs book shelves (when Arthur wasn't home), he had everything he wanted right here. The only thing he missed was snow and doing stupid things with Will, but there was nothing he could do about that, so he had gotten used of spending time inside with a book in his hands.

One day Merlin was reading a book in the living room (again) when Arthur came home. Apparently he had ran to his father outside and they were arguing about something. "… I have to go out sometimes, father. It's just a birthday party!" Arthur was for once sounding like he wouldn't give up easily "You have a big test coming up, I'm not sure that you have time for that." Uther must have been talking about the test of Shakespeare's 'the Tempest'. That was next monday. Merlin had finished the book and he was all right, but he knew Arthur hadn't even started, he had heard him complain about it to someone from his team. "Sometimes it's not about the test, father. I have to be a part of the team if I want to lead it…" Arthur whined and Uther seemed to falter a bit, but still he continued with a stern tone "The school is more important than football. I want to see you to succeed in the future." Arthur seemed sour and he was ready to argue more when he saw Merlin in the living room watching at them.

Arthur looked at Merlin frowning. "I don't see him getting this kind of treatment. Why is it that he is different?" Arthur asked frustrated and Merlin didn't like that he was pulled into the conversation. "Do not blame others. I was talking about you and your lack of effort. I'll have no more of your complaints. Go to your room and use your time to something useful!" Uther was clearly in a bad mood and in the end Arthur turned on his heels and stomped his way to upstairs. Merlin tried to returne to his book hoping that Uther would be gone soon. He succeeded on it quite well. Uther didn't address Merlin and he soon disappeared into his study and Merlin was alone again.

Merlin couldn't help but think of the way Uther had talked to Arthur. Merlin had alway gotten permissions to go to his friends not just for parties or for special occasions but also whenever he wanted to just have time with them. It felt unfair that Arthur couldn't go to see his friends even though he was working so hard in everything. And Uthers tone... it wasn't like one could be doing something 'useful' all the time.

Merlin kind of felt a need to confort Arthur, even if he had no idea what he was actually going trough. He looked at the book in his hand and realised that it was Arthurs. He could go and return it. Normally he would have returned it when Arthur wasn't home, but now he could use it as an excuse. He made his way upstairs and knocked Arthurs door. It didn't take long for Arthur to open his door looking angry. His expression soon changed to one with annoyance but he still moved from the door, not closing it. Merlin took this as an invitation to come into the room.

"I loaned your book… " He said handing out the book he had been reading. Arthur looked at the book like it was something unpleasant. "It would be polite to ask first if you are going to take my belongings." He said with a bitter tone. Merlin frowned at him "It's not like you were using it anyway…" He said and Arthur rose his eyebrow at him. "Alright, I'm sorry I took it without asking you first." Merlin agreed to Arthurs unsaid words even if a bit- ok, a lot reluctantly.

Arthur just sighed and took the book from his hand and threw it on the shelf with more force than Merlin thought was appropriate for books. After Arthur turned back from the shelf, he spotted Merlin who had not moved and frowned. It seemed that he had expected him to be gone at the time he wasn't looking at him. "Go on. I'm sure you have something more important to do." Arthur said dismissively at him and waved his arm in front of merlin like he was shooing a dog or something. This irritated Merlin to no end. This was no way to treat people.

"Prat." He voiced his opinion which was clearly a mistake. Arthur now glared at him and took a step forward making Merlin to take one back. Arthur looked furious. "I just thought that you could use some help… I have already read the book and I have notes…" Arthurs expression didn't change and he hissed trough glenched teeth at Merlin "I don't need your help." Merlin rose his hands in front of him in defence and tried not to roll his eyes. "Alright, alright, do it yourself then…" He said and he was already planning on leaving when Arthur practically yelled at him "Get out of my room. Now!" pointing at his door. Merlin had to roll his eyes now. He exited the room muttering something about prats and Arthur slammed his door shut just millimetres behind Merlins back. 'So offering help is a no-no… Right.' Merlin made a mental note for himself. The prat could keep his troubles from now on. Merlin just hoped that he wouldn't get dragged to Arthurs and his fathers fights anymore.

* * *

It was like every other evening. Merlin was sitting in the living room reading a book and Uther and his mother were watching news "… LGB community has marched in town to raise awareness on sexual freedom. They have started a discussion of legalising same sex marriage and are now here, in front of parliament house to demand someone to speak with them in question they have sent in advance to the members of parliament. "We are here for equality and for those who couldn't come here today for the fear of their jobs, families or even the safety, we are…" At this point Uther changed the channel. "Faggots, what an unstable world this has become."

Merlin looked up from his book. This kind of response was not new to him, he had been raised in a country side after all. Still, he had never had anything against different people. When those in his class had spoken with the words their parent had given them about how niggers were like parasites eating from the table and taking their jobs, Merlin had always thought that they must be stupid if those who came from a country far away and not even speaking the same language could take their jobs. And some of them could spare some of the their food judging by their waist.

But he wasn't used to hearing this kind of talk in his family. He looked at his mother and noticed that she also looked uneasy. Merlin knew that his mother was soft hearted and tented to take the side of the weaker and the sick, so he wasn't too surprised, but still there seemed to be something else… Maybe she didn't want to say anything when they had just moved in? Maybe she would think again if she thought she and Uther were too different? Merlin sure hoped she would not. He was just starting to get used to living in this house that seemed like something out of tv and he had even made a friend in his new school which he loved. Also it would be super embarrassing to move back to the village and meet all of his neighbours and listen to them whisper about how he couldn't make it in the snob world…

Luckily Hunith stayed quiet and she and Uther started to talk about something else. Merlin relaxed again and went back to his book once more. Maybe this luxurious life would continue after all...

* * *

The winter was turning into a spring. Merlin, even though he had everything he needed or wanted in a material sense, was getting bored. He still didn't know much about the city he was now living in and it was hard to go anywhere alone. Uther was mostly busy and getting a lift to anywhere was quite hard. Gwens brother, Elyan, would drive his drivers license at summer and after that Gwen said that if their father could afford a car, maybet she could bribe Elyan to drive them somewhere. Merlin couldn't wait that to happen. It wasn't that they never went out, but it was always a family thing, to go to eat or shop or what ever and that mostly meant that it was Merlin and his mother (for example shopping new clothes for Merlin, Uther would just drop them to a shopping centre and pick them up later) or in some occasions the whole family meaning that Merlin had to put up with Arthur, who had made a habit of ignoring him or calling every mistake he made. Hunith had tried to make peace between them, but even Merlin knew she didn't feel confident enough to tell Arthur what he was supposed to do, so it was mainly trying to join their 'conversations' and pacify them.

Merlin missed Will and his company and when he told this to his mother, Hunith had looked sad and confessed that she too, was lonely. She told Merlin that she had started to look for a school for herself seriously. "Uther approves, he also thinks it would be good for me to get myself something to do… It's not much that I can do in the house after all…" The house had a maid and a cook to take care of most of the households work. Merlin had first tidied his belongings out of habit, but soon he had noticed that if he just left his bed unmade or his clothes to a basin in his bathroom, they would do themselves and appear into his closet folded and ironed. The only thing he had to do himself was keep his desk tidy, the maid wouldn't touch his stuff. He never saw the maid that cleaned, she came five times a week when Merlin was at school. Still, Merlin had the school and homework to keep him occupied, Hunith had nothing. His mother must have been bored to death.

"I think it's a great idea! What have you found?" Merlin immediatelly encouraged his mother. They talked a lot after that of what Hunith could do and when were the entrance exams and so on. Merlin even agreed to teach her some chemistry he had learned at school to freshen her memory. Merlin was happy, that would give him something to do and to focus on and his mother was again more animate, like she had been all Merlins life before they moved here.

* * *

Unlike Merlin, Arthur seemed like he had so much to do that his time couldn't possibly be enough for it all. Merlin rarely saw him (which he didn't mind…) anymore. Arthur was either in the football practices or in library or holed inside his room or kicking ball around in a small patch of grass in their garden. Merlin had thought couple of times offering his help again, but after he remembered how well that went last time, he had dismissed the idea immediately.  
They rarely talked for other purpose than calling each others names when neither of their parents noticed.

That day however, Arthurs was pissed of. Merlin had his door ajar and he heard clearly when Arthur first stomped to his room before opening his door with so much force that it hit the wall. Merlin waited to hear a slam, but it never came. Instead he heard something crash to the floor that sounded an awful lot like a stack of papers and book. Then he heard other noise and he got curious. Uther wasn't at home and Hunith was visiting a bookstore, so Merlin was the only one home and Arthur wouldn't have any need to demonstrate his frustration for Merlin, so Merlin couldn't help but get a little bit worried. He had never been one to leave troubled alone, much like his mother, and even thought he didn't like Arthur very much he still felt obligation to do something.

* * *

Arthur was breathing hard his hands on his now clean desk. He had thrown everything around his room in frustration. He had gotten a biology test back today and it wasn't very good to say the least. It didn't help that he had seen Merlin had gotten full marks. After that his football practice had not gone well because he had had trouble to concentrate, his mind trying to find excuses for his father desperately. When he had gotten home, everything had seemed to piss him of. The empty silent house, the overly polished wooden stairs and when Arthur had seen his room, just cleaned and neat and ordered, he had snapped. He hated the growing stack of papers and books on his desk. He couldn't do this all… why did he have to do this all? He had no idea.

"Wow, way to make a mess…" Arthur spun around only to see Merlin in his door way looking puzzled. Seeing Merlin also annoyed Arthur, but he had used all of his energy just now, so he just settled on saying "Go away." And turning back to facing the wall. He hoped that it would be enough, but when he heard Merlins steps coming closer he knew it hadn't. 'How thick can this idiot be?' He thought and his jaw clenched. He spun around ready to yell the idiot to collect his bones and disappear from his sight before he would make that happen, but it all died in his throat when Merlin wasn't standing where he had expected him to stand. Merlin was kneeling on the floor and collecting his books and papers to neat piles. "I know you have a maid, but don't you think it's better to make her day a bit easier too?" Merlin asked calmly not really sounding like he wanted an answer. Arthur didn't have anything to say to that, so he just stared at Merlin who had now moved to collect his couch pillows and gym clothes from the floor.

"I saw you in PE you know." Merlin said calmly while picking stuff from the floor. Arthur didn't know how to answer this either, so he just continued staring. "You were good. Not great but… good." Merlin seemed to pick up Arthurs lack of effort to the conversation. At this comment however Arthur had to turn to face his desk again to hide the smile that tried to form it's way to his lips. He knew he had been great, he was the best in the class, in the whole school even! Something about how Merlin said it made it seem… funny.

Arthur tried to form a comeback based on Merlins performance, but Merlin beat him to it. "I sucked." Arthur smirked. "Of course you did." He said to the desk he was currently leaning to. There was actual humour in his voice. "Hey, I'm sturdier than I look!" Merlin defended himself automatically, but seeming to collect himself soon after. "What I mean is that you could let me have biology if you are going to ace in sports anyway." he said in much softer tone. This made Arthur turn his head and he finaly met Merlins eyes "I mean… do you even like biology?" Merlin asked.

No, Arthur never got very interested in biology. Or any other subject that had essays in it. The answer must have shown in his face because Merlin smiled widely and took the freshly stacked pile of books and lifted on to Arthurs table. "I never liked sports either." Merlin said and dropped the neat pile of books and papers next to Arthur on his desk and with that Merlin walked out of Arthurs room.

Arthur looked at his room just to see that it was the way it has been before his tantrum. Even his couch pillows were in order and door closed and his desk was actually more organised than it had been. He couldn't help but laugh. 'This idiot really made my day huh?' Shaking his head in amusement he took his crumbled test from his pocket and tried to make it presentable to show to his father. He got what Merlin had meant, one couldn't be best with everything. And he could just read better to the next one or even, God forbid, ask Merlin for help. Arthur shuddered at the thought but nevertheless smiled to himself. He was so never going to tell Merlin he thought that.

At the same time in his room, Merlin felt quite sure he had been right, because Arthur hadn't tried to rip his arm off or anything like that. Merlin had to smile to himself. 'Guess that he's not so bad after all'.


	3. Chapter 3 - Doesn't hurt to look, right?

After cleaning up after Arthurs tantrum, Merlin noticed Arthurs mood towards him had changed. Arthur also seemed to relax a bit. His grades went up a bit and even Uther seemed pleased. Merlin had to work harder now, he didn't want Arthur to get better than he was. He felt that his grades kept him on upper ground. And after he had stated that he liked biology and made a point of how that correlated with how good you were, Merlin kind of felt that he would let Arthur down if his grades weren't better than his. Merlin didn't mind about the extra work though. Now he had a mission and it kept him occupied.

Arthur still called him idiot and Merlin answered with everything he got, but it was different. Their insults didn't seem to be out of resentment anymore, but more like something Merlin had been used to do with Will. Like they were…friends? Maybe not yet, but still Merlin realised that it was more fun to see Arthur smiling rather than annoyed. And when the school year ended, Arthur actually smiled at Merlin. A real smile. Something shifted inside Merlin then. Suddenly Arthur was everywhere. Of course without school and much less football practices, Arthur was around more but Merlin found himself noticing every time he entered the room. Merlin noticed his clothes, his mood and his movements. When Arthur left, Merlin felt he wanted to go with him. It felt weird and unnerving so he never said anything and he avoided talking to Arthur if he didn't talk to Merlin first.

Still their relationship seemed to change to a closer one. Merlin was able to joke with Arthur who seemed to find Merlins humour funny now that he was used to it. That made Merlin feel good with himself in a way he hadn't experienced before. Seeing Arthur smile just made his day a little bit brighter. His smiles made Merlin smile also.

Merlins mother got in to the nursing school that had been her first choice. It was a bit far away, but it was in the same direction Uthers company was so she could get a lift from him. It was well respected and they had schooling program for adults. Hunith was thrilled and Merlin was happy for her. Her semester would start first of september, two weeks after Merlins school started again. Uther took them all to a fancy restaurant to celebrate and finally Merlin felt that he knew enough and felt confident and relaxed enough to actually enjoy his food. Once he was about to mess up but Arthur kicked his leg lightly making Merlin realise his mistake. He looked at Arthur thankfully. Arthur pretended not to notice, like he hadn't done anything. Instead he made fun of Merlin when he didn't recognise something on his plate, but Merlin just found himself joking with him and in the end they both smiled making Hunith happy.

It was still until august when Merlin realised that his thoughts of Arthur were getting more and more frequent and while at first they had been mainly thoughts like 'I like to see him laugh' or 'I wonder if he's coming home soon' or 'thats a nice shirt'. Nowadays they seemed to be more and more like 'He looks good in that' or 'he looks handsome when he smiles' or 'I wonder what his chest feels like'. This made Merlin more nervous with himself. He was clad when school started again, he thought that he must have gone a bit crazy being howled up in this big and too empty house (in Merlins opinion). He couldn't wait to see Gwen again who he had only called during the summer.

When the school started again, they had to arrange the transportation again. Arthur told Uther that he would run to school from now on. He needed the exercise and he could shower at school. Uther had agreed on this because Arthur made a good point of how it would benefit him and how now was the time to rise his aerobic fitness for if he was made to be captain, he would need to be the best. He also told Uther that if he got to be the captain, he would need a car which Uther told him he would get as soon as he turned 16 if he was able to rise his grades and get to be the best in his team. To Merlin these conditions seemed unreasonable, but Arthur seemed motivated. Merlin would have to ride with Uther alone from now on and it made Merlin a bit nervous. He had tried to think Uther as his father, but he had soon realised that that was not going to happen. It wasn't that Uther didn't seem alright, but Merlin was slightly intimidated by his strictness and lack of humour. Uther rarely showed any interest towards him when his mother wasn't around and when he did, Merlin wished he hadn't. In a way he feared that Uther would start demanding him the same level of achievements than he did from Arthur. Sometimes Melin also saw Uther watching him and that made Merlin extremely nervous. He hoped that he wasn't doing anything wrong.

After Uther had taken Merlin to school, he would come to home and work in his home office for some time and then take Hunith to her school and go to his companys main building. He would then come to pick Merlin up from school and Arthur would get ride from Elyan (who had gotten his drivers license) to home. Hunith would take a bus and walk the rest of the way (the area was so fancy that there was no bus going trough it). Uther had offered that she could take a cab if he couldn't come and pick her up, but Hunith had told him that she would rather walk, it was good to get some fresh air anyway. In the end Uther had agreed to that.

The first school days were filled with teachers telling them how important this year was and what was expected of them. In a way Merlin started to feel how this system might not be the best. Of course the classes they got were top notch and the teachers were highly knowledgeable of their subjects and the class rooms, library and technology were all new, but to Merlin it felt that they didn't … care so much. The teachers hardly remembered even his name and they kind of expected the pupils to make the effort themselves. Of course some of the teachers did, but some really didn't. Merlin had also learned that knowing much of some subject didn't automatically make one a good teacher.

* * *

It took Merlin until wednesday he ate lunch with Gwen and he realised that while Gwens smiles made him happy, it was different. Somehow it was different. "Isn't she beautiful?" Gwen pointed to the crowd and Merlin had hard time spotting where she was pointing. "I mean look at those wavy curls and that oval face… I mean it's not like I want that kind of hair but just noticed." At this point of time Merlin had learned that Gwen had a habit of correcting herself thinking she could cause a misunderstanding so he just grinned while trying to spot who Gwen was talking about "I don't see…" he had to admit after few seconds. "There right in front of the cashier now." Gwen tried to signal the direction for Merlin without actually pointing the girl.

Merlin turned his head one more time and he saw her, yes, a pretty girl with wavy blond hair and doll like face. He realised he had seen her before, but he just hadn't think of her as that special. "Oh, her…" he said uninterested "Really Merlin, she's not your type huh? Tell me what is your type." Gwen said now grinning like Cheshire cat and leaned forward, closer to Merlin. Merlin felt heat rise to his face and he wished this conversation would disappear and never come back. "I guess I like um… blondes?" He didn't sound too convincing even to himself and Gwen didn't buy it either "Really…?" she said with a doubt in her voice. "Yes really, what is your type anyway? For example, who would you chose in our class if you had to?" He challenged as much to know and to take the pressure from himself. "I don't really have to." Gwen replied making Merlin actually curious on the subject "Just hypothetically." he pressed "But I don't have to." Gwen replied in sing a song voice. "I bet you wouldn't know your type if he sat right next to you." Merlin huffed at her and grinned not really meaning anything with it, and concentrated on his meal again feeling relieved that he didn't have to answer Gwens question.

Gwen on the other hand blushed and had to turn her gaze to something else than Merlin. "Oh, there's Arthur, how rare." She suddenly said forgetting their conversation. This made Merlin look up from his meal. Arthur usually ate somewhere else, but now he was walking straight to where they were sitting. "Mind if I join you?" His question was directed to Gwen and when she nodded, Arthur didn't even bother to look at Merlin. "Yes, we do mind. We don't want any dollop heads in our table." he said just to annoy Arthur who now had his full attention. "I have to inform you Merlin, that is not even a word." Arthur said in a manner that told Merlin that he could still end up in the stew on todays menu. "If it was in biology textbook, you wouldn't even know." Merlin still shot back. He liked to live dangerously with Arthur nowadays. Arthur chuckled and leaved it be. (To Merlis surprise.) "I'll kill you later but I had a reason of coming here to sit with an idiot like you." Arthur just said with an almost amused tone "And what might that be other than to marvel at Gwens beauty?" Merlin asked jokingly and to his amusement Gwen giggled and Arthur blushed. Merlin laughed at them until Arthur threw his fork at Merlin.

"Seriously you are such an idiot Merlin! It's impossible to talk to you!" After that Merlin let him explain how he needed Merlin to be his lab partner and explain to their teacher that Arthur will be in next time because today he had to run some errands for football because- he is going to be the captain! This last part he told proudly grinning and Merlin couldn't help but smile to that. After that Arthur ate quickly and left to find their gym teacher who also was in charge of the football team.

"Since when did you get along so well?" Gwen asked as soon as Arthur had left. Merlin kind of knew, but he still just shrugged his shoulders and told her that these kind of thing happen when you were forced to live with someone. Gwen giggled at that too and Merlin felt again like blushing "You are the worst!"

Gwen just giggled more.

* * *

In the lab Merlin didn't have much to do. The class was boring and the teacher was mainly telling what they were going to learn in this semester and arranging lab partners which Merlin already had so he used his time to ponder on himself. He thought about what Gwen had asked him and he realised that he really didn't have a type of girls that he liked but… with boys it was different. He liked tall, well built type, but not too muscular like those body builders. He preferred short hair over long but not too short, like normal, not coloured and normal looking a bit like Arthur… Yes Arthur was a great example. He smiled a bit to himself. What a stupid thought! Like he could have a crush on Arthur. Their parents were dating! But still… it didn't hurt to like his looks, right…? Right…

He knew that he had been looking at Arthur and even now when he thought that he would normalise, it seemed that it just got stronger. He liked how Arthur looked and he liked his smiles and the way he wasn't hating him anymore. At this point Merlin chose to concentrate on class, it would be highly embarrassing to continue this thought here.

* * *

Arthur reached the class just when it was about to end. He handed the teacher a note from PE teacher and after that he caught up with Merlin. "So how did it go? Anything I have to know?" he asked clearly in good spirits. It made Merlin a bit happy. "Not really" Merlin tried to remember if there was anything worth mentioning. "We should complete 20 exercises and we will need everything we have learned until now… oh! And Gwen is paired to Vivian and is devastated right now." Merlin grinned at the mental image of his friend hitting her head on her table after trying to explain anything to Vivian. Arthur laughed "That I know! My father is friends with her father, she can be a handful. But if I had to choose from some others, she's not so bad…"

There was a feeling… Merlin couldn't put his finger on it, but he didn't like that Arthur practically complemented a beautiful (rude, but still beautiful) girl. "Well you know what they say about blondes…" he said and Arthur answered without thinking "Yeah… hey!" This made Merlin laugh and dodge as Arthur tried to hit him lazily. "Come here!" Arthur yelled as Merlin tried to run, but Arthur was faster and he took Merlin by his neck and knuckled him in the head "Ow, ow, ow, ow all right!" Merlin yelled but his laughter gave him away. He really liked Arthurs attention.

As Arthur released him, Merlin found himself missing the contact. 'Am I really serious? Could I be… gay?' Merlin felt weird of this thought, like he wasn't even supposed to think that word. Still he suddenly felt … in a way right? Relieved? He wasn't sure. Like a question he had never known he had to ask but the answer had always been inside of him. He really had to think this over and luckily Arthur had to run to his football practice and Uther was going to pick Merlin up so they had to separate. On his way to the parking lot Merlin thought this thought over and over in his head. 'It would make sense… ' he had never really liked girls or paid much attention to them. Male body had always been much more interesting to him. Still, he had to keep this to himself. He remembered what Uther had said that one night about homosexual people and he seriously didn't want to get on the wrong side of his mothers partner.

Uthers car was already parked when Merlin reaches the entrance. He flung the front door open and sat next to Uther. "I expect you to be on time tomorrow, Merlin." Uther commented as son as the door was closed. Merlin felt bad, he knew he was at fault. He had been slow on purpose and Uther had taken time from his busy schedule for him "Sorry, I won't be late in the future." Uther smiled little at Merlins reply. He placed his hand on Merlins tight which made Merlin a bit uncomfortable but it was ok, because Uther removed his hand soon to start the car. "I'll trust your word on that." He said and Merlin smiles at him politely.

Their way home was silent and Merlin was happy with that. He wasn't yet used to talking with Uther and he had noticed that even Arthur didn't talk to his father much and even that was formal most of the time. Or fighting, in the most formal way Merlin had ever witnessed. When they reached the house, Uther once more placed his hand on Merlins tight, closer to his crotch this time and said "I trust that you remember to be early tomorrow." and released his hand only when Merlin had replied "yes" to him, without a smile this time. When Merlin got back his ability to move, Uther had already opened the door on his side and was climbing form the car. Merlin opened his seat belt and moved quickly out of the car. He wasn't sure what to think, he was happy to have some attention from Uther who was busy and talked rarely to him or even Arthur but he wasn't used to this kind of touching. But then again, he had never really had a father… He decided that maybe Uther just didn't realise that to Merlin it seemed a bit weird to touch someones tight and he let it be.

* * *

In the evening, after dinner Merlin returned to his room. He went to shower which he still found luxurious to have in his own room. He striped his clothes and threw them into a basket that the cleaning lady would empty every wednesday and saturday. Luxury.

While showering Merlins mind turned to Arthur again. He thought of Arthur in the gym locker room and his lean back and his chest… Merlins hands started to wander to his crotch and he took his now hardening member in his hand. He kept his eyes closed and imagined his hand to be Arthurs. It felt good. He imagined Arthurs chest against his back and strong arms around his waist, touching him and soon he came with a small "ah!"

As he felt his member pulsating in his hand Merlin took support from the wall. He felt a little bit dizzy. 'I really have to be careful with this.' he thought as he realised how he had just masturbated at the thought of his possible stepbrother… He, however, didn't have time to think about it more as the bathroom door suddenly opened to reveal Uther. "You have been in shower for a very long time, I hope you are alright in there." his words were concerned but somehow Merlin didn't think his voice was. "I'm fine" he mumbled trying to cover himself as well as possible without being impolite. They were after all both male so he shouldn't feel embarrassed but as Uthers eyes kept looking at him up and down he felt really ashamed "Um… I'll be out soon, I'll just… rinse." he tried. "Of course." and with that Uther left and closed the door behind him.

Merlin sighed with relieve when Uther was gone. He felt adrenalin pumping in his veins. That had been too close. What if Uther had sawn him at it? Would he have asked what he was thinking? Maybe not… that seemed weird thing to ask, but still… Merlin felt a bit too transparent. Uther didn't usually come to his room and the timing just now had been horrible. Merlin made a mental note never do that again while in shover. But Merlin soon dismissed his uneasiness, he could just feel relieved that Uther hadn't come earlier. And even if he felt a bit weird how Uther had watched him, Merlin told himself that it was completely normal. It wasn't like he hadn't been seen by his classmates and such in gym. What was the difference really?

* * *

Being Arthurs lab partner was fun. Merlin liked the feeling that he knew and understood more than Arthur and even more that he could make Arthur learn and make his eyes lit when he finally understood something. But the down side was that Merlin kept noticing Arthur too much. He often caught himself staring at some insignificant movements he really didn't have to oversee or even just a strained hair or open top button could catch Merlins attention. He told himself every time that he should stop and that he was weird, but at the same time he couldn't make himself really care. Anyway, what could a little looking hurt? It was not like Arthur was noticing and their relationship was getting closer while they had to work together so everything was good, right?

Some nights Merlin ended up masturbating. Not in the shower anymore, he felt more confident under his blanket when he could hear and see immediately if someone came to his room. He fantasised about male bodies against him and never women. Too often he found that Arthur was the centre of his day dreams. Just something in him made Merlin more hot and come quicker than anything else he could make up. Some days he felt weird talking to Arthur, but he still could separate his fantasies from the reality, so the weird feeling was short lived.

One night he really stooped his thoughts to think, what is this all? Was he really gay? He liked male body yes, but what it really meant? Merlin laid in his bed thinking how it would be if he was in a relationship with a man. How would everything happen? How would his life be different? Who he could even talk about it? Or even tell? Could he find himself a boyfriend and have a life with him? How could he even find someone else who was like he was? Was there a difference in gay people? Like somehow roles on who would be on top? Would he be on top? No… not really. It wasn't like he was sure, but more like he felt that he might end up being on bottom and he felt a need to know if he was ready for it. Merlin touched his bottom and it felt a bit exciting. But when he pushed his finger in, it hurt. It felt too dry. He needed something to lubricate it.

The next day Merlin asked if his mother had some kind of lotion, for his dry skin… Hunith told him, he could take anything from his bathroom and Merlin chose the most oily and slick lotion he could find. He felt a bit ashamed for lying to his mother and using her lotions, but his desire to try out what he had planned, was stronger.

That night Merlin took the lotion out and slicked his fingers with it. He hesitantly touched his bottom and pushed his fingers in. It felt a bit weird and moving his finger caused him discomfort and some pain, but after he touched his front at the same time, he actually started to feel pretty good. He tried to move his fingers again and to his surprise, the same movement felt entirely different. It took some time Merlin could find the rhythm for his front and back to make him feel good, but eventually he did it and it felt great. It was just in a whole new scale and Merlin found himself getting slower just so he could enjoy the feeling more. Then a sudden thought of it being Arthur who was doing this to him, made Merlin come.

He had to pant a while holding his hand out he had used to capture the mess he had made. He really wanted Arthur. This was too much. He couldn't be like this. He _had_ to keep this secret. Merlin came to face the reality of how much people would hate him if they knew he was gay, but there was no measurements to describe what they would think if they found out that Merlin was not only gay, but had lust for one of the most popular kids in the school, Arthur, the captain of football team. And his live-in-maybe-to-be-step-brother. That just wasn't right.

After that Merlin made sure that no-one could see him staring at Arthur. He kept his eyes on himself as much as possible, but when he saw Arthur in gym locker room or just doing what ever in the house, Merlin would take everything and store it to his memory. He kind of decided that this was going to pass and he would just have to wait for it to pass. Meanwhile, if he had urges, he would just have to take care of them by himself at night.

* * *

One day they went as a family to some boring dinner party of Uthers business associate, Merlin tried to find some attractive features from the other quests. Of course that wasn't very easy given that most of the quest were close to Uthers age, but there was some younger quests and waiters too. Merlin could find some things he found attractive. He was relieved of that. At least he wasn't only after Arthur, but still, he couldn't find anyone as capturing as Arthur. And it wasn't feeling like it was just the looks. He found one very nice looking waiter with black curls and lean, well balanced body type. HIs clothes also fir perfectly and his vest made his back look very nice. But as soon as Arthur opened his mouth to comment something to Merlin, he forgot the waiter in seconds.

That night Merlin was about to touch of himself, trying to remember how the waiter had looked like. He was under his covers and about to lover his pyjama pants when Uther opened his door. He didn't even knock. Merlin tried to make himself look like he had just been going to sleep. He even closed his eyes pretending to be asleep, but Uther closed the door and came to his side. Merlin felt so uncomfortable right now and it didn't get any better from there on. "What is it that you have been doing?" Uther asked in a cold tone and Merlin found himself getting stiff from stress. He was unsure of what to do and what Uther knew and that made him scared. "I was just getting to sleep…" He tried but Uther didn't seem satisfied. Although he didn't say anything, he was making Merlin uncomfortable. He had no idea what to say or do. "I know what you have been up to." Uther finally said with the same cold tone. Merlin felt his mouth go dry and his worst fears surfaced. Could Uther really know?

Uther looked at Merlins night stand and Merlin felt his blood freeze. He had left the lotion he had gotten from his mother and some tissues there out in the open. "You dirty little faggot. I know." Uther said whit just a bit more than a whisper and Merlin got really scared of his tone. It was a different level of being afraid. Merlin felt like he was on a thin ice and he had no idea of what to say or do now. "I have seen how you look at men and how you want to be touched by them." Uther continued leaning closer to Merlin with every word. Merlin felt the ice brake and himself sink. What was there now? How could he turn this around? Would everybody know? "I- I didn't mean to… I'll stop now. I really will!" He tried sincerely, but Uthers gaze became even harder. "I know your kind and you never change. You are dirty to the core."

Merlin felt pain to his deepest parts of his heart then. He felt all his feelings and they twisted to be something dirty. He had wanted Arthur and he knew it was wrong, he liked male body over female body and that he had heard was wrong. He had thought that he would get past Arthur, but he hadn't thought himself that horrible for preferring men, but now Uther had told him that he was and that he wouldn't change. That scared Merlin. Uther smiled coldly at him. Like he had won something. "I guess you want to keep all this as a secret…" He said with a slick voice. Uther was now hovering over him, leaning to his bed post looking imitating, but Merlin felt a bit relieved at his words. Secret meant that nobody else needed to know anything. "I'll keep this secret, if you are willing to do something for me…" Uther whispered now a little bit more gently leaning even closer. Merlin could just look at him confused. He had no idea what he meant but even if there was a nagging thought behind his head, he refused to listen to it. He nodded really slowly actually making just the smallest movement that could be called a nod. Uther straightened up and lifted the blanket that was still covering Merlin.

Merlin flinched and curled a bit into a ball trying to hide himself. Uther looked at him in the same way that Merlin remembered he had looked at Merlin when he had been naked. This made Merlin self conscious and uncomfortable and he felt a need to snatch the blanket back and cover himself even if he had full pyjama on. "I think you will make me happy, very happy indeed." Uther said in a seductive voice and pulled Merlin to sit up. Merlin was petrified. He could just watch when Uther took Merlins hand and put it on his crotch. He moved Merlins hand up and down and while he was doing that, Merlin could feel Uther get harder and harder. "Now, take your pants of." Uther said only command and coldness in his voice and Merlin looked at his eyes. He didn't want to strip but Uthers gaze hardened and he said with a scary voice "Now." Still, Merlin couldn't move. Only his hand was moving and that was only because Uther had his hand on top of it making it move. "Do it. Or would you like that I'll tell your dear mother about this?" Uther asked and Merlin had no doubt that he was being serious.

Merlin stood up with shaky legs. Uther let go of his hand and stepped back so he could see Merlin better. "I'm sure you wouldn't want your mother to know what you have been doing with her lotion…" He said slowly making Merlin feel deep shame. Why had he had to be so stupid and take the lotion? And use it not only once but many times, over and over again. He lowered his pants slowly and Uther again stepped right in front of Merlin. He took a hold of merlins boxers front and gripped Merlins penis trough the fabric. Merlin flinched. The grip wasn't gentle and it was close to hurting. "So small and yet you want to be fucked by men…" Uther said and Merlin felt shame about his size even thought he knew that it wasn't the problem here he should concentrate.

Uther took a hold on Merlins forearm and spun him around and against his chest. Merlin yelped and froze at the sudden contact. He felt claustrophobic and too close to Uther. He wanted to struggle, but then Uther started to pump Merlins thing up and down and Merlin froze not believing what was happening. He felt uncomfortable and scared of what was happening, but still he felt himself getting hard. Merlin was horrified. What was happening to him? He started to squirm but Uther held him tighter. "See how much you want this, see how dirty you are… disgusting." Uthers words made Merlin feel tears burn in his eyes and he felt all of his strength leave him. He could just watch how a man who was part of his new family squeezed his semi erect member one last time before pushing Merlin off of him.

Merlin had to take a hold of his bed post in order not to loose his balance. When he turned around to look, he saw Uther exit his room. Merlin sat on his bed and hugged himself shivering violently. He felt cold and exposed. He looked at his pyjama pants that were lying on the floor and he quickly grabbed them and put them back on. He felt like they had been evidence lying where everyone could see them. He also looked at his night table and he took the lotion and tissues. He walked to his bathroom and threw the tissues to a trash can and the lotion to his cupboard. He pushed the cupboard door close with too much force and rested his weight to it's doors breathing harshly and covered with cold sweat.

That night sleep didn't come easily for Merlin. He felt that his privacy had disappeared and that he was not safe. He was ashamed of himself and his body and there was nothing he could do with it. He thought over and over again what he should have done or shouldn't have done, but in the end he had no answer of how he could have avoided what had happened besides not wanting Arthur or men over women in general. Why was he has to be like this? Merlin had never liked attention nor had he been very confident with himself, but he had also never cared that much of other peoples opinions and he knew he had been different his whole life. But now he felt like everything could see the very core of him and that it was wrong. He was wrong… Merlin fell asleep feeling scared. How was he supposed to face anyone tomorrow?

* * *

The next day the school felt cold and intimidating. And too big, definitely too big. Every time he saw someone looking at him or talking about him, Merlin felt ashamed and afraid that they knew exactly what had happened. The hardest part was to see Arthur, coming fresh from the showers, looking bright and energetic. Merlin avoided him the whole day. The second hardest thing was to face Gwen. He almost prepared himself to the end of their relationship, but Gwen was chipper as always. It made Merlin relax and he kind of started to feel like he was in a different world than in the one he had been in his bed room. It felt weird but comforting in a way. In school he wasn't dirty and he had no weird thoughts. With Gwen he felt like a normal person and her company made him forget himself after a while.

It was the final class that made Merlin uncomfortable again. It was PE and he had to change in front of everybody in the class and wear shorts and t-shirt. And he had to see Arthur do the same. That was hard. He had avoided looking at Arthur before, but now there was so much more fear than before. Merlin didn't know how to hide his want and the only thing he could do was to try to think something, anything else than what he was currently doing, where and with who. It took at least two basketballs to his head and at lest hundred sighs from Arthur to make Merlin try to concentrate on what he was supposed to do even after half an hour after leaving the changing room. For a while he tried to forget Arthur and all the other class mates and only concentrate on the bouncing ball. It didn't go too well and after a while Merlins concentration slipped and he dropped the ball he was supposed to catch. Arthur yelled at him in frustration "Oy! Merlin! Where is your head today? Forgot it at home?" Usually Merlin would have had something to say back but today he just felt like a lover human being and he mumbled something like an apology.

Arthur put his hands on his hips and Merlin couldn't help but think that Arthur was good looking in his shorts and slim fit shirt. That didn't help his dilemma. "There is something about you today Merlin, I can't quite put my finger on it…" Arthur said musing and Merlin felt a sting in his heart. Did Arthur know what he was thinking? Merlin felt like all that he was, was in the open for everyone to see. And the most importantly, Arthur could see everything and Merlin would never live that down. The coach blew his whistle and Merlin took his opportunity. "I'll take the ball to the storage room!" He said quickly and ran off.

Arthur looked after Merlin. There was something off. He was behaving differently, more uneasy. Arthur wasn't sure since when did he care, but he did and he felt like Merlin was hiding something from him. He didn't like that. It felt like Merlin didn't trust him and that hurt Arthur. He remembered how he had used to make fun of Merlin in quite a mean way. And others also. Teasing them if they were from country side or if their families weren't as rich as his was or just because they seemed different. Arthur didn't want that Merlin felt that he would still do that to him and Arthur had to reflect at his behaviour. He felt stupid and ashamed of himself. Arthur decided that he wouldn't bully anyone anymore. He didn't have to anymore, actually. He felt more calm these days and his act was more of a habit than a way of venting, like it had used to be. And he had to thank Merlin for that.

* * *

The following weeks Merlin tried mostly to survive. Uther came to his room from time to time and he always told Merlin to take various parts of his clothes off. Merlin would do as he was told because he was too scared to tell Uther otherwise. He tried to separate himself from the situations and tell himself that it was nothing, but it didn't help much. When Uther touched Merlins privates, Merlin usually felt at least some kind of reaction and it scared Merlin every time more and more. Some times Uther would make Merlin touch Uthers thing and that felt even more weird and disgusting for Merlin. Uthers erection felt somehow too adult and the way it grew hard made Merlin disturbed. It was too much. He wasn't ready for this and this just wasn't how he had imagined it.

It took at least the first period for Merlin to get used to being at school. He had learned that people couldn't tell that he had been touched or that he was gay, but still he was nervous most of the time. Arthur would talk to him sometimes and he ate with Merlin and Gwen every other day. At home Arthur usually was busy and while Merlin had stopped coming to read to living room, he saw Arthur less and less in their home. Arthur felt like a school friend more than a family member to Merlin. Gwen had commented how Merlin seemed to get along with Arthur much better nowadays and how he had good influence on Arthur because she hadn't seen Arthur picking up on people anymore. Merlin wasn't convinced and he felt wrong when he, Arthur and good were mentioned in a same sentence. He seriously couldn't think anything he did as a good thing if it included Arthur… He was most likely doing or at least thinking the exact opposite of good. He was weird and his thoughts were unclean.

Uther picked Merlin up from school every day. Some days he would put his hand in Merlins pants and not just to feel him up trough boxers, he put his hand inside all the way. Merlin had a mantra of 'it's not real, it's not real' he kept repeating until they got home. He had tried to tell Uther that he didn't like him doing that, but Uther had just squeezed him painfully and told him how he had gotten hard and how he liked it because he was a faggot. Merlin didn't know what to say to that. Uther was an adult Merlin had learned to fear and respect (in a way that Uther was respected by others in his very successful business life) and he believed his word. That left Merlin to be even more hateful towards himself and more scared of that anyone would find out. He felt that what ever the situation was, if people were to find out, they would blame Merlin before Uther without doubt.

* * *

The winter was nearing and the air was getting colder. It made Merlin more depressed. He didn't like cold very much. It was alright when it was really a winter and snow and stuff, he was used to that and he had always liked to be outside playing around with Will. But this wet, miserable cold with barely degrees over zero, with no hope of snow made Merlin so cold. And this year he was feeling cold on the inside too. Merlin avoided going outside at all if it was possible. That wasn't very hard actually, he still had no reasons to go anywhere, he was driven to school and back home everyday to an inside garage and the only times he left the house besides school anymore, was with his mother occasionally and even that was rare because Hunith was very busy with her studies now. She told them in the dinner table how she needed much more effort than all the younger students because she was so old, but she was always smiling and Merlin knew she enjoyed herself. Merlin felt some comfort when he saw his mother so energetic, but at the same time he felt like he was letting her down with not only being gay, but also by not having enough energy to be happy with her. Merlin felt bad for moping around, but when he saw his mothers bright smile, he just couldn't make himself smile equally back at her. His smile felt forced and false to him. He hoped it didn't show.

It was late october when one night Hunith asked Merlin and Arthur to come downstairs. She and Uther had something to talk to them. Merlin looked Arthur confused and Arthur looked equally confused. This relaxed Merlin some, if Arthur didn't know either it shouldn't be about Merlin. Uther was sitting in a living room and Hunith sat next to him. Merlin felt nervous under their gazes even thought his mother smiled at them.

When Merlin and Arthur were both seated opposite to them (Merlin sat on the very end of the couch just to be as far away from Arthur as possible.) Hunith took Uthers hand in hers making Merlin feel cold in a whole new way. Uther smiled warmly to Merlins mother and Hunith replied the smile. Uther then turned to look at Arthur and told them what Merlin already knew he would say "Hunith and I have decided to get married." Merlin felt like his life was going to its end. He could hear Arthur congratulating them politely. While Merlins ears rang and he felt like he was falling. He only snapped out of it when he saw his mother looking at him and he forced a smile on his face. He couldn't remember after five minutes what he had said, but it had made his mother smile. There was nowhere to run now. Uther would officially become his guardian and Arthur… would be Merlins step-brother.


	4. Chapter 4 - Lancelot

Arthur was stressed. His father had just announced that he would marry Hunith. It wasn't that Arthur hadn't expected it to happen, but it still felt a bit sudden to him. Merlin and his mother hadn't lived here even a year and Arthur had trouble thinking either Hunith as his mother or Merlin as his brother.

While in his childhood he had never wished anything more that to have a real family with a mother and a father who wasn't constantly working and demanding him to do the same, now the change seemed forced on him and he wasn't sure what would change in his life after the wedding. He had no idea how he would integrate to a normal family life.

True Morgana had been there for him and they had always used to take care of each others when they were little, but that had changed when Morgana had grown up. Suddenly Arthur had been air to her or worse, something to be loathed and avoided. Morgana had been his only sister and Arthur still often thought about her, even if she clearly wanted nothing to do with him. Arthur wondered if the same would happen with him and Merlin if they became brothers. Thinking it like that hurt. He didn't want that to happen.

Arthur was happy that he and Merlin were getting along better nowadays. He felt that they understood each others and sometimes he would look at Merlin and know exactly what he was trying to say. Merlin wasn't like his other friends. Merlin challenged him. He made him do better not in accomplishments but as a person. He made Arthur feel calmer and more confident. And he never asked anything in return.

It was just that sometimes Arthur felt that Merlin wasn't telling him something. And sometimes he was… not avoiding Arthur, but just… not talking to him if Arthur didn't talk to him first. And he never came close to Arthur. He would sit as far as possible from him and if he had to give Arthur something, it was more that he dropped it to Arthurs hand more than handing it to Arthur. It felt a bit… insulting? Unnerving? But then again, Arthur rarely saw Merlin touch or get close to anyone else either. Maybe he just didn't like that people came too close?

Arthur sighed. It wasn't like he would have to declare brotherly love to Merlin the second their parents got married. He could just see it out and in a meanwhile think of Merlin as his friend. Maybe even his best friend. That made Arthur feel a bit better. Maybe he could talk about this with Merlin someday? Maybe he felt the same way of the situation? Or maybe he saw something Arthur didn't and he would make Arthur think differently.

* * *

Merlin had already changed to his pyjama and he had crawled to his bed early. His mother had tried to talk with him about the marriage, but Merlin couldn't make himself seem happy or excited for long and he had ended the conversation as soon as it was possible. Now he just wanted to sleep and not think about anything.

Merlin was facing his window eyes closed, willing slepp to come, but when he heard his door open, he jumped up before he could even see who was entering. It was Uther and Merlins fright tuned into fear. "Sit down." Uther told him calmly and Merlin sat down like a machine. Uther circled the bed and sat next to him. He was too close. Merlin tried to edge farther away, but Uther took a hold on his tight and kept him still. Merlin froze, but to his surprise Uther let go of him and talked with a calmer voice that Merlin remembered hearing for a long time. He felt an urge to check if they actually had company, like Merlins mother, in the room, but he didn't dare move his eyes from Uther.

"I know that our marriage is sudden, but I want you to give your full support to your mother." Uther said and Merlin couldn't be more surprised. Uther sounded almost like… caring and…nice. Not so scary, even if he was too close for Merlins comfort. He nodded slowly and lowered his gaze. He knew he hand't been there for his mother even thought she had clearly wanted to talk with Merlin. She had wanted to make sure he was ok with her decision. And even thought Merlin couldn't be ok, he should at least have pretended. Merlin was about to say something, like that he would support his mother more from now on, but then Uthers hand was back on Merlins thigh making the part of his brain that was in charge of producing speech stop functioning.

Uthers hand wandered to Merlins crotch and he started to cares it slowly. There was something different about it. Maybe Uther was being slower and not so rough as he usually was, Merlin didn't know, but he responded faster than normally. "Now that we are going to be real family, I'm going to take full responsibility of you…" Uther whispered in Merlins ear making Merlin shudder. He felt horrible. The sense of being trapped was stronger than ever and he felt his mind separate from the reality.

Only when he heard Uther comment on how happy Merlin seemed 'down there' for the news, Merlin snapped back. It physically hurt to see himself hard trough his pyjama pants. He tried to close his legs and push Uthers hand away causing Uther to squeeze his thigh so hard that the pain caused Merlin to yelp. Uther opened his legs even more they had been and Merlin felt shame and he regretted trying to get away.

"Your mother want's what is best for you, she doesn't know what a filthy faggot you are." Uthers words made Merlin close his eyes. Like it would help if he didn't see himself. Uthers tone was now far from that he had started with. It was angry and more like hissing that speaking. "See, this is what you want, you want men to touch you and you like it." Uther continued and Merlin could only hate himself. Hate himself for being gay, for liking men and not being able to control himself. What Uther was telling him sounded like the truth in his ears. He _felt_ dirty.

Merlin squeezed his hands in tight fists and tried his hardest not to cry. With a final squeeze, Uther let go of Merlin. He stood up and walked to the door. "This will be our little secret Merlin, no one will know how filthy you are and I'll give what you want." Merlin flinched to his words like he had been hit.

After Merlin heard the door of his room close, he hugged himself. He was shuddering violently. Everything felt so unreal. His feelings and his body reactions and what was happening around him didn't make any sense. He felt that he had no control of what was happening. It all felt like a distant dream or more like a nightmare, that kept squeezing him even when he was awake from every direction. He had no idea of what was real sometimes and what was created by his fears, and he had no way out. He looked down and his tights felt sweaty, his pants were wrinkled and his groin was just calming down. Merlin shuddered again.

* * *

Even if Merlin had wanted to stay in his room forever, he had to go to school when the next morning rolled by. He was still Arthurs lab partner, they would change partners only after Christmas. Merlin wished that time would come soon, maybe if he could get Gwen to be his partner, he could concentrate better. While being close made Merlin feel warmer and happy in a bitter way, he felt uneasy every time Arthur looked at him and when he smiled, Merlin felt his face grow too hot and he frowned at himself turning his gaze away. It was especially bad today. He felt like he was betraying Arthur by being gay. By wanting to see him smile like this, for wanting to be close to him when he was having ulterior motives and dirty thoughts. He didn't even have to start with the things Arthurs father had done to him and how Merlin felt that they were his fault.

Arthur saw Merlins weird mood and he wondered if he had been wrong about how Merlin felt about him when he kept frowning like that. Arthur felt a bang of fear that Merlin didn't see him as a friend. Maybe he hated the thought of living with him? They hadn't had the best of starts after all, so it wasn't impossible.

After half a class of silence on Merlins part and awkwardness from Arthurs side, Arthur had to say what was bugging him. "Merlin… I was wondering… are you alright with you know… our parents?" Merlin looked at Arthur surprised. Why was he asking this from him? "No… it's weird I guess… I-" He felt his throat tighten as he continued "I'm lucky to be a part of your family." Merlin could manage 'your' as to mean Arthur, but he couldn't say the same, even as a lie, about Uther. He just couldn't.

Arthur caught the weird form of the sentance not understanding what it really meant, but he felt better. Even if Merlins tone was a bit flat. "I guess you aren't that horrible either…" He said nonchalantly and Merlin actually found some humour in his response and he chuckled. "It would really kill you, if you said one compliment wouldn't it?" He said with a half a smile on his lips at the same time he turned to their bunsen lamp to heat his test tube. Arthur smirked at him not replying. His whole day was suddenly much better and he found himself thinking Merlins laughing and smiling at him many times that week.

* * *

The school was nearing its end and December bought decorations and random Christmas song to the hallways and class rooms. Even with all his problems, Merlin found himself getting more chipper with his favourite holiday approaching. There was again colour in this world and Merlin felt his school life separating from his home life more and more.

Even Arthur noticed that Merlin was happier and more open and likely to talk to him and look at him in school than at home. Arthur didn't think much of it, he himself was more open and loud in school where there was no Uther watching his every movement, criticising everything. Merlin was just adjusting to this household and Arthur even thought that Merlins weird behaviour was explained by him trying to adjust. It wasn't that he himself didn't have hard days when he behaved irrationally.

The school work was piling up, but Arthur didn't stress so much anymore and that actually made remembering and understanding everything he was studying much easier. Still Arthur had much pressure on himself the school year coming to its end and the football team was relaying on him. He didn't get much thanks on his hard work, but he didn't get any complains either and if he was to believe in Merlins words, that meant that he was doing alright. Arthur would never admit it to Merlin, but he had found comfort in those words and he often repeated them to himself after practices. After half a school year, he finally felt like he was leading the team. His team.

Then the universe decided that he had it too easy and their PE teacher and football coach had an accident and he had to leave the school for a sick leave he might never return from. At least not as a PE teacher. Their new substitute teacher was young and in Arthurs head it translated as inexperienced. "Hello everybody, my name, for my parents had an interesting sense of humour, is Lancelot, but please, call me Lance."

This was new and weird approach in this expensive and old fashioned school where most of the teachers demanded the pupils to show them respect by calling them Mr. and Mss. and Sir and Madam or professor. And this was not just a first name either, but a nickname on top of it all. Many seemed to like this, but Arthur frowned. He looked at Merlin who seemed to listen to the new teacher very carefully. This, for some reason, didn't help Arthurs mood at all.

* * *

Merlin liked the new teacher immediately. There was just something about him. It wasn't even that he looked hot and that he had a very handsome face (even thought Merlin had to admit to himself that was part of the good first impression, even if admitting this to even himself made Merlin hate himself a notch more) but just somehow he seemed warm and caring and just a cool teacher. Merlin didn't care that he was young, PE wasn't that serious subject to him any way and that Lance was young and fit made Merlin think that he would be a good PE teacher.

At some point Merlin glanced at Arthur. Even if this wasn't serious for him, Merlin knew that for Arthur it was different. PE was one of his favourites and he had football practices every day… Arthur didn't seem happy at all. He was currently glaring daggers at Lance who was still giving them a little speech of what he had done previously and what they would be doing for the last few classes. Merlin didn't pay much attention anymore. He was wondering if there was anything he could say to Arthur to make him feel better.

After the class of running around and doing various exercises so Lance could get a 'better picture' of their level and skills and Merlin fearing that his new teacher would find out that he thought he was handsome, Merlin was tired and for once happy that the class had finally ended even if it meant a risk of Uther touching at him on the way home. Ok, maybe not happy, but maybe just for some short minutes that he could just change and shower and not think of anything. And no more exercises. That was important.

Merlin had stripped, showered and put new clothes on before no-one else had even hit the showers. He had learned to tactic himself to the locker rooms the second the class ended and be quick. That made his life much less stressful on mondays. He was just drying his hair, moving much slower now that he was clothed and concentrating on not looking at anything or anyone in fear of being discovered, when Arthur came next to him dripping wet, annoyed and naked.

"Loan me your towel, I forgot mine." Merlin was clad that Arthur couldn't see his face clearly with a towel on Merlins head. There went the 'not so stressful' part. Merlin looked at Arthurs eyes making a point that he didn't care of Arthurs naked state. He felt annoyed on Arthurs tone for some reason. "And how is that my fault?" Merlin asked even if he had Arthurs towel in his locker. He had seen it forgotten in the entrance way when he left home and packed it with his.

"Because you didn't remind me about it." Merlin had to roll his eyes at Arthurs reply. He was being a thoughtless jerk again. Being the object of his crush did not justify being a total prat in Merlin opinion "I'm not one of your servants." He said and turned his back to Arthur continuing to dry his hair. Arthur was starting to feel cold and he snapped at Merlin meaner than he had intended to sound. "Then at least you could be to some use."

Merlin glared at him briefly before opening his locker annoyed and throwing Arthur his towel. He wished that Arthur would keep his opinions to himself when he was in a mood like this. "Here's your stupid towel. I packed it with my stuff." Merlin was expecting Arthur to leave now that he got what he wanted but instead Arthur looked at his towel surprised and then at Merlin and slowly said "Thanks…"

Merlin blinked once and when Arthur put his towel around himself, Merlin relaxed a little and allowed himself to joke "Was that an actual thank you, wow!" His voice was sarcastic, but Merlin felt warm spread inside him. He once again expected Arthur to roll his eyes at him or call him an idiot or something, but Arthur looked a bit unsure and then he finally said "Sorry... I have just been… tired I guess… " not looking Merlin in the eyes. Merlin felt good at hearing Arthur talk to him like this. Like they were close… Merlin wanted to tell him that it was alright, that he was happy that Arthur cared enough to apologise to him and he wanted to hug him and his bare chest looked so good with some water drops still dripping from his hair...

Merlin mentally kicked himself and the warm feeling was gone. He again felt cold and ashamed. He turned to his locker and started to collect his stuff. "An apology and thank you at a same day, this must be a record…" He said trying to sound like there wasn't a turmoil of feelings inside of him. Arthur threw his towel at Merlins face a bit annoyed but more because it was fun.

Merlin took the towel of his head really quickly and frowned at Arthur blushing darkly. "Ha! Didn't know you'd like my towel that much!" Arthur laughed at Merlin finding his blush amusing. Merlins frown disappeared and he felt faint. He could just stare at Arthur who soon stopped laughing when Merlin wasn't responding. "Don't be such a girl, Merlin, I didn't mean that." He said still looking a bit amused and he sbatched his towel from Merlins still frozen hand. He continued drying himself while he made his way back to his own locker. Merlin couldn't say anything but after a while he felt the tinniest bit angry.

* * *

After they left the gym (Arthur didn't have football today because of the sudden change of teacher so he would ride with Merlin and his father home.) Arthur tried to talk with Merlin with lighter topics, but as they got closer to the car, Merlin became quieter and quieter until Arthur couldn't get him to reply anymore. Uther looked surprised to see Arthur with Merlin, but after Arthur explained why the practice was canceled, Uther motioned them both to sit in the car.

Arthur took the front seat and Merlin let out a breath that he didn't know he had been holding. He wouldn't sit next to Uther. Uther couldn't touch him. Merlin was quite sure that Uther wouldn't do anything anyway while Arthur was in the car, but he had been afraid from the moment Arthur told him he was coming with him. He had no idea of what to expect from Uther.

Normally their car rides were quiet, but now Merlin listened Uther asking Arthur how his day had been, how were the classes and how was the new PE teacher. Merlin didn't reply to any of Uthers questions and Uther never addressed him while Arthur had already answered his questions. Still, Merlin liked to hear Arthurs answers and it was easier this way when he himself didn't have to draw any attention to himself.

After a while Uther had asked everything he wanted to know and started to comment what he had heard instead. "I hope there are not many days like this without football practices, I expect your team to win now that you are the captain." It wasn't surprising when Arthur just said "Yes father." with a flat tone, but for some reason it pissed Merlin of more than it normally did and before he thought about it, he heard himself say "Arthur was really good in PE today." Arthur flashed him an annoyed look and Merlin felt himself sink. Of course he shouldn't have said anything. He was afraid of Uther enough as it was, and his greatest fear right now was that he would find out how Merlin felt about Arthur. And he hadn't even made the situation easier for Arthur who was now cross with him too.

"Good is not good enough. I expect him to be the best." Uther said never looking away from the road and Arthur was forced to say "Of course, father." with the same flat tone he had used previously. Merlin let his eyes drop to his lap. Uthers words seemed so unreasonable to him. How much was he going to demand from Arthur? Merlin felt bad for him because he knew how tired Arthur was at times, but the same time he found himself thinking if Uther would demand him to do the same as soon as he was Merlins legal guardian after he had married Merlins mother? And if Merlin couldn't do it, would he tell his secret? Or make Merlin touch him every time he didn't come out as best? Merlin watched the back of Arthurs head. He wanted to apologise to Arthur. Somehow he felt the possibility that Arthur was angry at him hurt him more than the reality that kept crushing him from every side.

When they were home, Arthur exited the car taking his bag quickly without looking at Merlin. Merlin tried to go after him, but when the garage door closed after Arthurs back, Uther gripped Merlins arm and held him still with an iron grip. "I'll have you to understand that you are in no position to talk back to me." Uther said with dangerously low voice making Merlin still and scared. Uther squeezed Merlins ass briefly before pushing past him and out of the garage. Merlin stood there for a long time before he didn't dare to stay anymore. He quickly ran into his room and closed his door after him. He felt so empty. He couldn't even go to Arthur now to apologise. He felt that only thing for him he could do, was to stay away from him. That made Merlin feel so sad and lonely.

* * *

Merlin had done his homework at least twice now and he was still reading a textbook in order not to think anything when there was a knock on his door. Merlin spun around fearing it was Uther but when the door opened, it was only Arthur. Merlin relaxed immediately and he turned back to his book. He didn't want Arthur to see his relieve. "I… will you lend me your biology notes?" Arthur wanted to tell Merlin he was sorry but this was the closest he managed now. He had planned on actually telling he was sorry, but when Merlin had turned away from him, his nerves had given in.

Merlin felt warmth inside, he knew that Arthur was saying sorry and it meant the world to Merlin "Yeah, sure." He said and handed his notebook for Arthur turning to face him. Arthur took the notebook feeling relieved that Merlin didn't seem any different from usual. He nodded at Merlin signalling his thanks and he was about to go, but he stopped when he heard Merlin speak. "Look... I know I don't have the right to meddle in your business but what it's worth I think you will be a great captain." Arthur turned around, facing Merlins turned back. His words made Arthur happy, but he wasn't convinced. "I'm not so sure about that…" he said and Merlin glanced at him over his shoulder.

"You will, I believe in you." He said with a soft tone and Arthur found himself believing Merlin. He smiled softly at Merlin and Merlin smiled back at him. Arthur felt something shift between them and he felt that he could talk to Merlin now. "I wish I could trust in myself also…" He had never voiced these kind of thoughts to anyone else (than maybe to his sister when they had been little) but it somehow felt right with Merlin.

Merlin looked at Arthur with no signs of him laughing at him or making fun of him. He just asked "Do you like football?". It was a bit weird question, but Arthur decided to answer honestly. He trusted Merlin. "I mean I can see you are good at it but do you like it?" Merlin continued when Arthur took a moment too long to think. "Yeah I guess that at least I used to like it… now, I somehow feel that all I do is in my free time is play." Merlin nodded at him like he understood "And sometimes it's too much?" Arthur nodded at Merlin. It was amazing. Merlin could say what he felt in words. Even if it wouldn't change anything, Arthur now had the words to describe what he felt to himself. It made him feel better.

"And I'm not sure if I have what it takes to be the best…" He continued. He wasn't sure how this was related to what they had just been talking about, but that thought was on top of Arthurs thoughts right now so he just said it. "Forget about having to be the best." Merlins tone was now slightly annoyed and not as soft as it had been just before. Arthur eyes widened a bit "But you heard what father-" he started but Merlin cut his speech "Forget you father for a second!" he said angrily. He didn't like hearing Arthur, who he liked so much and who was so talented and hard working, so worried about opinions of a man Merlin couldn't even think without feeling ashamed. He wished Arthur would stop thinking at Uther all the time. Hell, he hoped he could do that himself.

"You are working hard and you have so much talent in so many things, you have to stop worrying about your father and concentrate on the things you find interesting." Merlin shut his eyes and concentrated on not sounding angry at Arthur. "You have to make your own decisions." He finished with a clear voice before opening his eyes and looking at Arthurs eyes. Arthur was standing in the middle of the room, his mouth slightly open and eyes wide. Merlin wished he could stop feeling that Arthur looked adorable.

"But I- do you really think so?" Arthur finally asked slowly. Merlin half smiled at him and said with a much lighter tone "Yes! You sure are a prat but I think we still have some hope with you." Arthur huffed and took the nearest thing he could throw at Merlin which happened to be (luckily) Merlins couch pillow. Merlin managed to catch it somehow but not before it had hit his face. "Hey! Way to thank me about my concern!" He complained from behind the pillow. "You're an idiot Merlin." Arthur just said, but Merlin didn't even have to see him to know that he was smiling. Merlin really liked when he smiled.

"Get out of my room!" He said in good humour and turned to his books mostly to hide his own smile and his blush. Arthur chuckled and Merlin could hear him move towards the door. "Don't think so much about your father, he is proud of you and eventually he is going to say it too." Merlin added with a serious tone hiding just a tiny bit of sadness in it. Arthur opened the door, but said quietly before he moved out "We'll see about that… " and then he was gone.

Merlin turned to look at the closed door and he hugged the pillow Arthur had thrown at him. He felt stupid how he missed Arthurs presence already. The room felt a bit colder now that Arthur had left. Arthurs presence had filled the space with warmth for Merlin and now Merlin felt lonely again. He squeezed the pillow one last time and forced himself to turn again to his homework. He however left the pillow to the side of his desk. He told himself that it was just to save the trouble of standing up and moving it back to his couch, but at times he found himself twiddling its corner with his fingers while he worked. 'How lame could one become?' He thought to himself but still he didn't take the pillow back.

* * *

After Arthur had closed Merlins door, he felt happier and lighter than in a long time. Half of his stress was gone and he again felt like he could concentrate. He looked at the notebook in his hand. He hadn't even thanked Merlin for it. Or anything else on that matter. He cursed himself on his way back to his room. He could have at least done that after making Merlin listen him moaning about his problems never even asking if Merlin had anything he wanted to talk about.

'Stupid.' He thought to himself. He made a mental note to somehow tell Merlin he appreciated him. He really was different. He _was_ Arthurs best friend. They hadn't known each others more than a year and part of that time Arthur had wasted on trying to forget Merlin even existed feeling too angry that he had to work so much harder than Merlin so he had missed how great company he actually was.

Arthur opened Merlins notebook and he saw every lesson scribbled down exactly as they had been presented by their teacher. His handwriting was small and neat if not in a very traditional way, but it was very readable. There were also side notes. Mostly they were questions on the topic and answers to the questions Merlin had probably either asked the teacher or searched the book for them. Arthur found the style very easy to follow and he learned a lot just by reading them once. The notes were much like Merlin himself. They made Arthur think and didn't let him get away too easily, but at the same time Arthur could find all the answers explained clearly and he grew to like Merlins handwriting.

By dinner time Arthur had gone trough half of the material which was at least twice the amount he would have been able to do normally. On the way downstairs he wondered if he could ask Merlin for more of his notes. He even remembered to thank Merlin for loaning them to him "They were useful…" He said making Merlin look happy for the rest of the meal. Arthur felt awesome. He was ahead of his schedule and he had clearly managed to say the right thing to Merlin. He didn't regret at all that his practice had been canceled today.


	5. Chapter 5 - Phone camera

Merlin hated the last ring of the school bell. When everyone else moved out as fast as they could, Merlin felt like there was lead in his feet and he only made himself move because he didn't want to stand out nor anger Uther by being late. He hated the sight of the school parking lot he saw from the open school door when he exited the building. He hated the sight of Uthers car, always parked to the same exact spot. Merlin steps felt heavier the closer he got to the car.

Somedays Uther was displeased when he was 'dragging on purpose' and those days his touch would be hasher to the point it hurt. Merlin had tried to sit in the back seat again after the day they had rode with Arthur, but Uther had told him to come to sit in the front and Merlin hadn't dared to argue. Merlin tried to avoid situations where Uther would have to tell him something for he was scared even at his voice.

About once or twice a week Uther would come to Merlins room and nowadays he always made Merlin take his pants off along with his boxers. Sometimes Merlin had to get naked all the way. Uther locked his door nowadays and while the lock clicking close made Merlin flinch, it was also a relieve. At least nobody could walk in here while he was like this. Some times Uther would touch Merlin with his hands. He would touch Merlins crotch, his ass, his nipples, everything. Merlin felt like Uthers hands were spreading cold darkness on his skin.

Sometimes he made Merlin touch Uthers thing and Merlin hated that the most. He hated the smell and the feel of it pulsating in his hand. He kind of thought that what did it make Uther if he was hard while naked Merlin touched him, but the logic wasn't very strong in this anyway. Merlin thought that he was dirty and that Uther as an adult thought that he deserved this and he couldn't judge Uther. Every time he tried, his thoughts and blames turned back to himself and he just ended up feeling everything was his fault and that he deserved everything he got. Uther kept telling him as much.

While he touched Merlin, he would always tell him how filthy and shameful he was. If Merlin got even semi hard, Uther would make him look at himself and tell him how much Merlin enjoyed being handled by a man. If Merlin didn't get hard, he would tell him how disgusting it was that nothing seemed to be enough for Merlin. Merlin didn't know what was truth and what was not, but he was sure of one thing. He was disgusting and his body was too.

Uther never stayed very long and it was over faster if Merlin did as he was told without delay. Still every time Merlin heard a door close or someone getting closer to him anywhere in the house, he felt fear. Even in school he avoided touch as much as possible. He felt like he was spreading his dirtiness if he let even Gwen touch his shoulder casually or what ever.

The only thing he could do to make himself forget, was to study. He would sit in front of his desk after he came from school until it was time to eat dinner and he would continue until late. He hated when Uther woke him up after he had fallen asleep, so he stayed up late to be sure he wasn't coming in anymore. This of course made Merlin tired at mornings and silent at school. Gwen joked about his tiredness and Vivian who sometimes waited with them for the classes to start commented once how dark circles didn't suit his face. When she said 'face' it sounded like something upsetting.

Afterwards Merlin told Gwen that the wig someone had put on a potato and named it 'Vivian' didn't suit the world. Gwen had laughed so hard she had to go to washroom to dry her eyes. Things like that made Merlin feel better with his life and school was gradually becoming a place where he could be more free and brave and safe. Uther couldn't get him until the end of his school day.

* * *

One night, Merlin saw a dream about Arthur. He was everything Merlin had wanted him to be. He kissed Merlin softly and hugged Merlin gently. He took his shirt of and reveal his muscular chest. Merlin couldn't help himself and he touched Arthurs chest. He caressed it and when Arthur hugged him closed, Merlins hands wandered to his still clothed ass.

Arthur caressed Merlins sides and face and kissed Merlins neck softly. Merlin felt himself grow hard and he wanted to see Arthur more but Arthur kept him close and presses himself agains Merlin. "Nngh…" Merlin felt so hot, so warm. He wanted to touch Arthur more but Arthur still kept him close. He lowered Merlin to a soft matters and started kissing his chest. "Art..hur" merlin moaned in his pillow as he felt Arthur flip him to his side and cares his bottom. "Aa.. Arthur…" he felt so good… he wanted Arthur so much… Suddenly it was hard to breath and he felt too hot. He…

Merlin woke up his face against his pillow and as he turned to have some air, he had to think for a while where he was and which way was up. He remembered Arthurs body so clearly and for a while he felt hot and missing the contact. Then reality drawer to him and he felt his heart sink. He had a dreamed about his future stepbrother. His male stepbrother. He… He rose up to sit and when he moved, he felt something in between his legs. He rose his blanket but he knew what had happened even before he saw it. He had ejaculated. He had gotten a wet dream of Arthur. How could this happen? How could he be so out of control?

Merlin felt so dirty. He had been asleep and he had moaned Arthurs name in his dream. What if he had done that out loud? What if he would do that by accident in front of Arthur? Or Uther? Or what if he got hard just by being close to Arthur? Arthur… he would hate him for sure he would tell everyone… he… Merlin felt suddenly cold. So cold… He buried himself back to his blanked and covered his head. His bed smelled like his semen but he just shivered and couldn't get himself to move. He laid there for a long time before he fell into a restless sleep.

* * *

After that Merlin felt cautious about his own body. He had avoided contact before, but now he jumped every time someone touched him and even Arthur asked him what's the matter when he practically fled across the room when Arthur put his arm around his shoulder after their last lab where they had just gotten a full credit.

Merlin couldn't tell him anything else than that he didn't like when someone touched him. Arthur had seemed to buy it and Merlin wished he would keep that in mind and never touch Merlin again. At the same time his shoulders felt warm where Arthurs hand had been and he regretted that it would probably be the last time Arthur would do something like that. When Gwen also asked him the same thing and told Merlin she was worried, Merlin already had an excuse of having a bad dream haunting him. In a way he felt it was true… his nightmare just seemed to be inside of him even when he was awake.

Hunith had also completed her first half of her first year in nursing school. Her grades had been top notch and Merlin was proud of her. Hunith also was proud when she saw Merlins grades. They were all in the top. Merlin had studied and studied and eventually he had picked up even the subjects he wasn't that interested in. Actually he hardly remembered anymore which subjects he liked. Even the ones he had never cared for and those which teachers he didn't like that much, turned more interesting when he learned more, and they actually gave him more challenge and so kept him working longer. Still his own interest had gradually lowered and studying was more of an escape for him than anything else. But seeing his mother happy made it alright. Merlin didn't want to betray her with this also.

* * *

Hunith and Uther married on Christmas Day. It was small occasion with the most expensive settings Merlin had ever seen in weddings (Of course in his home village part of the celebration had been to slaughter a lamb and roast it whole…). Hunith had been able to invite Will and Wills mother but they couldn't come when it was Christmas and all.

Merlin had talked with Will on the phone who had complained about how he missed change to see how Merlins new fancy life was alongside the fact that Merlin called him more rarely. Merlin had kept up the facade that he was also bummed that Will couldn't come and that he would have a boring party because of that, but in reality he felt uneasy facing his former best friend. He was sure he would see right trough him and Merlin had been imaging over and over again how Will would be disgusted with him being gay until his mother had called Hunith that they couldn't make it.

So there was no-one Hunith knew coming to the party. There were some Uthers friends and business associates and to Merlins surprise one of them was Vivian and her father. Arthur told him that there was going to be some rich families with sons of their age, but that they were mainly boring to talk to. He also warned Merlin from going near Vivian when her father was around.

"He has a habit of making a breakfast out of anyone who as much as looks at his daughter for too long." Merlin had looked at him and laughed, but he had stopped when he had seen how serious Arthur looked. "Don't tell me you have tried and got to her fathers wrong side?" He had asked skeptically feeling slight pain in his chest at the thought of Arthur liking Vivian like that. Arthur had looked at him unimpressed "No. She's not my type. She's rude." That had made Merlins day and he had calmly listened Arthur to tell him twice who was who and how he was supposed to greet all the guests.

The wedding party itself was beautiful. The decorations were very Christmassy and Merlin liked them very much. Hunith had a white dress with golden rims on it and Merlin thought she looked beautiful. When he told this to his mother, Hunith blushed and hugged Merlin telling him how handsome he looked in the suit Uther had bought for him. Merlin let his mother hug him and for once, he felt himself melt in her hug. It was warm and full of love. He loved his mother so much… How could he wish that she had never met Uther when she looked so happy right now? Merlin felt himself selfish and when he saw how handsome Arthur looked in his suit, Merlin felt himself dirty also. With everything around him so beautiful and sparkling and smiling, he felt himself a lower form of life. He could just marvel at the beauty of it all from the permanent shadow he was in.

When Merlin turned 15, he didn't want to celebrate it in any way. He got his gifts in the morning of new years day and he thanked every one of them, but he didn't feel like having them because he didn't feel like he deserved any of them. Uther had practically told him that the suit was part of his present and he had given Merlin an envelope which contents told Merlin that his money had doubled. It meant very little to him. He had no idea of what to use it for and to him it felt mostly like a number in a piece of paper.

His mother had bought him a nice silver tie clip that matched his blue tie with a nice ornament on it and a carving of Merlins initials. After further inspection he saw that the ornament was forming a bird. A merlin. He thanked his mother and he actually hoped he could use his tie pin soon. Arthur had bought the nicest looking pencil Merlin had ever seen. It moved smoothly on paper and it was sharp so it was easy for Merlin to write with it. Regular pencils smeared when he wrote because Merlin liked to write with small lettering. The pen was cold and silver and very stylish. Merlin felt his heart ache when he held it and wished he could show how much he appreciated it, but when he wrote with it, he felt guilty. He really didn't deserve any of this.

* * *

Uther had left Merlin alone for the most of the Christmas holidays. He and Hunith had 'honeymoon' so they stayed some nights at a hotel and they went out quite a lot to eat and stuff like that. So when the school started again and Hunith had to start studying again, Merlin wasn't sure if he was clad or not. Either way, Merlin was clad that his mother was away all the days and stayed late till dinner time because most of the time he felt too ashamed to face her. He felt that he couldn't talk to her very long or either she would see right through him.

Unfortunately for Merlin, the amount of time he and his mother got during the holidays with nothing to do, gave them too many opportunities to spend time together and talk. Merlin had hard time making up excuses to be alone. He once even faked a flu and afterwards he spend half of his night hanging his upper body outside of his window hoping he would really get sick, but after freezing himself so that he shivered even after an hour later, he still didn't get sick. Stupid winters spend outside for making him tolerant.

It was half way through February when Hunith reminded them one night while they were eating dinner that her internship in the next period would start in two days. It would take her working in a hospital for nights also. Merlin knew he should be clad, now he would get the peace he had wanted, but he didn't. He felt anxious and fear touched him while Hunith told them the details. "It will be every third night in night shift and then one day in a day shift and one day of rest. I'm afraid that I don't have enough time to sleep if I come back here after night shift, but Susan said I can go to sleep at her place." she told them smiling brightly.

Merlin knew how much she had been waiting for actually getting to work at real hospital, but he couldn't help himself but feel angry. He had totally forgotten the whole thing and now he was hearing that his mother would be away not one night every three days, but two! "We will also get to wear the real uniform." She continued enthusiastically. "We will all have someone to supervise us of course but…" Merlin slammed his cutlery in the table with more force than necessary and took his plate. "I'm done, thank you for the meal." he said with a voice that he knew would upset his mother but right now, he didn't care.

"Merlin… what…" His mother started sounding confused and upset but Uther cut in "Don't worry my love, I'll talk to him." Merlin was already half way to the stairs but he still heard this. He almost turned back and he felt like running into his mothers arms to safety apologising his actions, but he knew he couldn't do that, so he continued to his room and slammed his door shut only for it to be opened seconds later by Uther.

Merlin refused to look at his stepfather and wished against his reason that he would just go away. As he heard the lock on his door click, all his anger evaporated and all he could feel was fear. "I hope you understand that you hurt your mothers feelings with your little stunt." Merlin still didn't move but he felt like he was standing on a quick sand and sinking did he nothing or made it worse by struggling.

"You have been a bad boy and bad boys need to be punished." Uthers voice was much closer to him that he had thought it would be and he flinched. "Take of your pants." Merlin couldn't breath and as he did nothing, Uther opened his belt and teared his pants off himself with a rough movement.

"Kneel." This was new and it didn't help Merlin to breath as he was so afraid of what would happen to him. "Kneel!" the second command had more force on it and Merlin suddenly felt afraid that his mother would hear him downstairs. "Please don't tell her!" He pleaded in a quiet desperate voice. Uther just pushed him down to face his crotch and suddenly Merlin knew what he had to do.

As Uther opened his own belt in a slow movement, Merlin felt his heart race and his vision blur. His head hurt and he couldn't breath properly. He could just stare as Uther took his swelling member from his pants. To Merlin it seemed huge and it smelled nauseating this close "N…" Merlin started to protest but Uther took a fist full of his hair and forced himself in Merlins mouth.

The taste was awful and Merlin gaged as Uthers penis hit his throat. Merlin tried to push him away with his hands but Uther took one of his wrists and bent and squeezed it painfully in an awkward position which made Merlin stop struggling. Uther kept pumping into his mouth, keeping Merlins jaw open with his left hand thumb that he had wedged in between Merlins back teeth. After a while Merlins jaw hurt and he felt sick as he felt Uther grow even bigger in his mouth.

"See yourself, how you want to be like this, kneeled on a floor where you belong." Uther panted in between thrusts. Merlin shut his eyes as nausea started taking him over and he concentrated on thinking 'This is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening…' over and over in his head. He mildly noted that his hand had been released when he had grown limb.

It felt like forever before a sound made it past his mantra. A sound like a shutter. The same one as in his cellphone... in his camera! Merlin opened his eyes just to see a flash light go on his face. Uther had his cellphone in his hand and he had just taken a picture of Merlin sucking him off.

Merlins world ended right then.

He heard Uthers grunt as he came into Merlins mouth and gave it a final thrust. Merlin heard him make a satisfied grunt as he slipped out of Merlins mouth. Merlin gagged and couched and he felt the thick smell of semen in the air as he tried to spat it all out. "I trust you wont make your mother upset anymore." were the last words from Uther before Merlin heard the lock click and the door open and close again.

Merlin was sweaty and he felt like the world was spining. He felt nausea rise from his throat and he ran to his bathroom. He threw up everything he had eaten that night. As the spams from his stomach calmed down and left only dull pain in his stomach and head, he spat several times into his toilet. "Shit, _shit!_ " he swore and sobbed against the toilet seat.

The smell of vomit was thick in the air but Merlin was actually clad that he couldn't smell Uthers semen anymore. After about 15 minutes- or it could have been an hour, Merlin couldn't tell the difference, he had calmed down enough to stand up, flush the toilet and take off his shirt that had mixture of Uthers semen and his saliva in it and throw it into a bin. He would never want to wear it now. He looked his reflection on his mirror and saw that his eyes were red and that his face was pale. He felt hungry and cold but he couldn't bring himself to go to downstairs and even thought of eating made him nauseous again. His throat hurt.

Merlin brushed his teeth and tongue until it hurt and he still couldn't rid himself completely from Uthers taste. When he went to bed, he felt like blackness was spearing in his skin darker than ever showing all the world how dirty he was. He cried into his pillow until he fell asleep that night.

* * *

The next day Merlins appetite was gone. Everything tasted like Uther in his mouth and everything even remotely white or slimy made him shudder violently. In school he could eat something but mainly something like ships or candies that Gwen offered him before chemistry class. They were now lab partners and Arthur had the luck of having Vivian. Only thing making Merlins day a bit brighter was to see Arthur try to sit as far away from Vivian as possible as Vivian was either trying to sit as close to Arthur as possible or try her best to mess up some part of the experiment they were working for. Gwen also seemed happy every day that she was reminded that she didn't have to work with the potato (as she called her now) anymore.

"Vivian told me that her father is super strict and won't let her spend any time anywhere near boys when there are no adults present." Gwen whispers into Merlins ear at one class when she caught him watching at their direction. "I suppose she wants to take all she can." she giggled. Merlin frowned a bit but tried not to show it.

Even if he felt that he and Arthur were in different worlds and he knew he had no change with him, he still hated the thought of Vivian making herself like this for Arthur. Just then Vivian flashed one of her big eyed, eyelashes fluttering, blond haired, female smiles and Merlin had to turn away. "Be careful Merlin, you might get her to be your sister-in-law." Gwen teased at the same time as she pipetted some ethanol in their graduated cylinder.

Merlin felt his expression turn sour and when Gwen looked at him, her grin faded. "I didn't mean it… Merlin what's wrong?" Her tone changed to a worried one. "Nothing." he said in a bit more annoyed tone than he had meant to use. "Merlin…" Gwen said in a tone he knew his mother could use when Merlin had fallen down and told it was nothing when he was a child. But he wasn't that child anymore so Gwens voice just managed to piss him off.

"Do you like Vivian?" Gwen asked curiosity in his voice and Merlin knew she was not joking. "No!" He denied and turned to face Gwen so quickly that one of their class container fell from the table and broke into a million pieces. Now everyone was watching him. Some even clapped sarcastically. Merlin blushed and went under the table to collect the shards. The broken class looked to him much like he felt inside.

He had just picked up the biggest shards when Gwen came from behind him carrying a dustpan. "I'm sorry" she said quietly while helping Merlin clean up. "I just… that was stupid of me." She sounded sad and ashamed to herself so Merlin couldn't do anything else but to forgive her. "It's alright…" It was not her fault that he was so messed up. In fact he should be crateful for every moment Gwen spent with him. And for every second she didn't find out how disturbed he really was.

"I'm sorry too, I guess I'm just a bit tired…" Gwen looked a second like she was not buying it but smiled at him instead of calling him for it. "It's alright, we are friends aren't we." With that she went to take the class away and left Merlin to climb from under the table. Friends… it made him remember that there were other things in life than Uther and him. He felt warm but at the same time scared. How betrayed Gwen would feel if she ever knew what Merlin was and what he had done yesterday. Merlin could just hope that she never found out.

* * *

When the night came, the last bits of Merlins appetite were gone. He barely ate any dinner at all. Everything tasted like ash in his mouth and food felt foreign and too warm in his stomach. His mother would have her first day at the hospital tomorrow, a day shift and she asked Merlin if he was ok with it. Merlin had no choice but to force smile to his face and tell her to be the best nurse they have ever seen. Hunith beamed at him and Merlin felt his smile turn real for a moment before he turned back to his meal he had mostly just spread around his plate. He felt that he could now eat a little bit. But just as he had swallowed a piece of fish they had for dinner, Uther decided to speak "Yes, I'm clad we had a good conversation yesterday, aren't you too, Merlin?"

Merlin frowned and he fought for an urge to spit all the food left in his mouth out. "Yes" he muttered keeping his eyes fixed in his plate. He heard Uther make a satisfied noise and his mother thanked Uther for talking with Merlin yesterday… Merlin could barely keep himself sitting still and he certainly couldn't make himself eat anymore. He concentrated himself on moving the food around his plate once more in a way that made it look like he had eaten some of it. "You disgusting whore." Merlin snapped his head up at an echo of Uthers voice that soon turned to his mothers voice. "Merlin, are you listening at all? I told you tonight it's your work to clean the table as you left yesterday…" Merlin just nodded. He was hearing things now… was he even sane anymore, he had no idea.

When he was cleaning the table his mind was million miles away. He could hear tv from the living room and he knew his mother and Uther were watching tonights news. "Don't let it get to you." Merlin jumped and turned himself to face Arthur. He hadn't remembered Arthur was there… "He is like that, makes every accomplice you make his and every mistake you make yours. Don't let it get to you."

Merlin knew he should say something but he just stared at Arthur who took a plate in front of him and gave it to Merlin. "You told me something similar not too long ago, so now I'm returning the favour." With that Arthur turned to go to his room. Merlin was left to feel warm the second time that day and also guilty for making Arthur be nice for him as at the same time he was lusting for him… He felt unworthy for Arthurs kind words. And so stupid that the prat had to tell him practically the same thing Merlin had told Arthur ages ago. Even if it was not the same thing Arthur had thought that it was.

Arthur closed his door behind him and sighed. He didn't want to see Merlin like this. He liked Merlin cheerful and witty and demanding… not in the same place under Uthers iron will that he had been himself his whole life. He hoped he could make things easier for Merlin like Merlin had made them easier for him. He regretted every thought he had in the past of Merlin having it easier than him. That was not true and he knew that now. It had been Arthurs own decision to start football and apply to be a captain. He saw that now.

Like Merlin had taught him, his father couldn't have done anything if Arthur had just told him that he didn't make it to be a captain. Or that he wanted to quit football. Not anything else than tell him again how disappointed he was at him. And that wasn't anything new to Arthur. But it was for Merlin. Arthur wished Merlin could trust him the same way that he trusted Merlin… He wished he could be something special for Merlin, like Merlin was for him…

When Merlin finished cleaning up the table he also returned to his room. When he passed Arthurs door he wished he could go in there and hug Arthur and thank him for caring and… He felt desperate again. He couldn't cry again so he went to his room and opened his english books and started to read the next chapter for the third time today. He had to get his mind in check. Into a mode where there were no Uther or Arthur or his dirty thoughts or quilt… So he kept reading until he had finished the book and it was time to go to sleep. Uther didn't come that night. Merlin fell to his bed with clothes on and fell asleep at the same time his head touched his pillow.

* * *

The next morning Merlin felt weak. 'I shouldn't be surprised…. I haven't gotten much to eat for two days now…' He pulled himself up from the bed anyway. He didn't eat breakfast, feeling faint was better than feeling scared and ashamed all the time. While hungry, Merlin found he didn't care so much. Hunith was still sleeping so she could survive her first night shift in 15 years. She would be gone when Merlin came back from school today and wouldn't be home for two nights… Merlin feared what those nights would bring.

School was uneventful. Merlin had read so much in advantage and so many times, that there was hardly anything new for him. Still he concentrated on making as good notes as possible so he had something to study at home and in hope that Arthur would loan them again and find them useful again. He even asked for some extra work from their mathematics teacher, he told her that he had some trouble with the subject and that he needed more practice. Math is one of the rare subjects one cannot do again after few times after all… He got more paper than he had ever seen one person store in their drawer. Maybe she had been waiting for years for someone to ask…

For last class Merlin and Arthur headed for PE. Merlin felt that he had no energy to run and he desperately hoped they would have something light… Maybe badminton…?

But noooo… After trying his hardest not to look at Arthur when they were changing, Lance told them to run cooper test after warm up. Apparently they were going to run it once every two weeks and keep record of their progress… Just his luck. After running for twelve minutes Merlins head was spinning and his legs felt like lead. He had been a good runner back at home, his legs had always been long and he was light build. "2150, not bad Merlin." Lance commented as he told his rounds to his record. Merlin was happy that he could do that much in his state but at the same time he knew that he had done better in the past. And now he was taller… "3050, great done Arthur!" Merlin turned his head to see Arthurs smug grin. 'Great…' Merlin thought sarcastically. The worst thing at this class after the fact that it would still continue was the fact that it would eventually end and he had to go home… Where he would be with Uther alone until Arthur would get home from football practice three hours later.

As he had thought the end of the class didn't bring much relieve as he had to shower (with his luck) right next to Arthur and as he had forgotten his towel, he had to share Arthurs… Just to get a little bit time for himself, he went to change fresh clothes to bathroom which he knew others would comment on him later. He smelled Arthurs towel. It smelled so nice… He squeezed the towel in his hands and buried his face in it. God… he felt the small bathroom too open and took contort on the fact that it was single bathroom with a lock on the door. He listened the usual noise from outside until it died down, sitting on the toilet seat, holding Arthurs towel in his grasp. The last thing he heard was Arthurs voice telling him to put the towel back to his locker because he would need it after his practice again. Then it went quiet.

He had to go. Uther would be pissed. He would again be angry for Merlin making him wait. He would touch him again… Still Merlin couldn't make himself to move. 'Maybe Uther is right… maybe I want this… Wouldn't I have gone already otherwise? I'm just making it worse.' Merlin heard a tiny voice in his head 'No, no, _no_!' He couldn't live with that. He couldn't… he- he couldn't be like that. So he dragged himself up and opened the bathroom door. The locker room felt too spacey and the air too fresh but he had to go. He left the towel to Arthurs locker neatly folded and hoped Arthur would understand that as a thank you for lending his towel and leaving him be.

Uther had parked his car right next to the door and Merlin could see even from afar that he was in trouble. Uther opened the front door for him, but Merlin opened the back door in defiance for himself. "Get in the front seat Merlin." But Merlin sat down on the back seat anyway. "I'm warning you…" Merlin heard the threat but didn't move. Uther didn't give him second warning and he shut the door and started the car. Merlin knew that he would be in trouble when they arrived at the house… he couldn't bring himself to think it as a home anymore. His home is in a river bench, surrounded by fields and it was small and comfortable.

The whole journey Merlin was, funnily enough, calm. He knew he was safe for another ten minutes that they still had to drive. But when the car parked in their garage and Uther opened the drivers door, Merlin felt panic rise in his chest. Uther dragged Merlin from his seat and took him straight to his room. "You are hurting me…" Merlin didn't really think it would change anything, but he tried anyway.

Uther didn't even blink and just threw Merlin into his bed and took him by his neck to a sitting position thrusting Merlins face to his groin. "Open it." There was no place for argument in that tone and Merlin felt his mouth dry. This was it. He would have to do it again. And again, and again. Uther wouldn't let him get away anymore.

He didn't know what to do but open Uthers belt. His hands were unsure and they felt weak and clumsy. When he had finally opened Uthers belt and chipper, Uther fished his staff from his boxers. "Suck it off." He said and pulled Merlins hand to grab the base of his cock. It felt foreign in Merlins hand even now and he felt nausea raising its head again as the smell of Uther filled his head. "Now suck it." When Merlin didn't move immediately, Uther again grabbed a hand full of Merlins hair and forced his mouth to open by bending Merlins neck backwards by his hair. Merlin shut his eyes in pain and his mouth opened to a silent yell. Uther pushed Merlin on to him violently.

Soon Merlin was again fighting for gaging, his hand still on Uthers thing and his mouth moving back and forth. "You will learn to respect me, boy." 'respect…' That word rang weird in Merlins ears, but the disgust wiped that thought from his head as Uther suddenly pulled his hair back and came all over his face. Merlin still had his mouth open and some of the cum got in his mouth too. He heard the camera go again.

Uther let his hair go and Merlin touched his face only to make his fingers wet with cum. He stared at it disbelieving and his face twisted and he tried to spit the cum out from his mouth but it was so deep that he ended up inhaling some of it. "Clean yourself up." Uther said in a tone that suggested that he had just deliberately gotten himself fitly and was now dirtying the house on purpose. "Dirty faggot." was the last thing Uther mumbled as he unlocked the door and exited the room.

Merlin again ran to his bathroom and threw up. He had next to nothing in his stomach so throwing up was painful and Merlin felt tears burn his eyes. Still the thought of the shallowed semen made him gag over and over again. At some point he realised he could drink some water just to throw something up… He took a class that he used to rinse his mouth and filled it with water. He drank it quickly and it came up almost immediately. It was easier to throw up when he had something to vomit.

Finally he couldn't continue anymore and he drank two big classes of water and brushed his teeth. He wanted to do something, something- anything! He wanted to yell or cry or scream or brake something. Preferably himself. He went to his bed and threw every pillow and blanket and he even teared his bedsheets from his bed and threw them into a corner. After that he just breathed heavily for a while. He looked at his room and it was messy. Like that time when he cleaned up Arthurs room… It seamed to be so long time ago…

He moved slowly to clean up the mess he had created. He put the sheets back, he gathered his pillows and blankets and made his bed again. He then took his school bag out and started from page one of the math exercises his teacher had given him. At some point he heard Arthur come home but he only moved from his seat when Arthur came to tell him the food was ready. They were having pesto chicken with vegetables today but Merlin barely ate any of it. He snuck the rest of his food to bin when no-one was looking and returned to his room quickly. He then worked until late in the night and only went to sleep after midnight when he couldn't make difference between number 3 and 9 anymore.

* * *

After his defiance against Uther Merlin learned his lesson. He sat in the front seat and let Uther touch him on the way home. Sometimes it was just a hand in his tight, sometimes it was a hand in his trousers feeling him up. He went straight from his classes to Uthers car and when his mother was not home at night, he sucked Uther off. It was almost a routine now. Uther would come to Merlins room late in the evening, Merlin was never asleep yet because he didn't want to sleep before he was too tired to be afraid or thinking about Arthur. Uther would make Merlin suck him and touch him with his hand.

Merlin did it himself now. He knew if he didn't suck, Uther would grab his hair and push himself into Merlins mouth. Merlin tried to avoid that because it hurt. Sometimes Uther would also touch Merlin and sometimes Merlin would get hard from that. Not nearly always now, but he hated himself for it every time more and more. After Uther had left, Merlin would throw up and shower. The blackness he had felt was spreading and now he felt like it was spreading under his skin and going deeper into his very soul. Eventually it would consume him. He showered and tried to wash himself, but it was no use… He felt dirtier every time.

His decreased appetite and regular throwing up was starting to show. He should have seen it coming when one dinner his mother changer the previous subject and turned her attention to Merlin "Merlin dear, you are barely eating…" she said with a concerned voice. "And you are so thin nowadays… are you eating enough?" Merlin tried to think fast what to tell her. He had been sick? No, why wouldn't he told her before… He had no appetite? He was throwing up? He … he... what was he doing?

"It's nothing mom, I'm growing that's all…" His mother didn't look convinced "That's even more reason you should be eating healthily. You have left a lot of food many days now…" she said with a scolding tone. "It's because I ate huge lunch at school… There have been great food recently." he was again getting annoyed, it was his own business how much he ate.

"Really Merlin, you liked that supposed-to-be-chicken casserole?" Merlin turned his head to look at Arthur. Arthur usually wouldn't have participate in thins kind of conversation but now he was looking directly at him challenge in his eyes. Merlin knew why. It was because Arthur had addressed him about him not eating at school just today and Merlin had dodged him with the exact same words.

At some other time he would have felt warmth inside of him from Arthurs concern, but right now he felt everyone in the table watching him. He had to make something up fast and he would need Arthurs help to get his mother off his back… and Uther. He couldn't take his wrath today. His mother was home having a day off today, he couldn't brake his routine… He breathed slowly in order to calm himself "Yes, I liked that supposed-to-be-chicken, we all haven't been raised with a chef in our back pocked." Now it was up to Arthur. Merlin looked at him in the eyes hoping he would get the message and question him later.

To his surprise Arthurs first reaction was to blush. "I didn't mean to say that you…" he said quietly but then seemed to catch himself and the original situation. He looked at Merlin in a way that told him he would have to explain this to Arthur in the near future. The look only lasted for a second as Uther decided that this conversation was over. "Merlin, I except you to speak with respect to Arthur in the table. I'll have no picking up fights in my presence." He said in a calm tone which still stopped Merlin from breathing.

"Dear, I believe it was a joke. These two have been getting along much better…" his mother said in a calming voice. Merlin could see that she thought this situation was being made to be worse than it really was. She was forgetting her previous concerns. Merlin didn't know how to feel that Uther had actually helped him, knowingly or not. "I didn't see Arthur laughing." Uther was not ready to change his mind. "Farther, it was because I realised that I said something out of line, I should respect our schools food more… and Merlin was just reminding me of that." Merlin felt like a tiny warm firework had been lit in his chest. Arthur was defending him…

Uther held Arthur with a gaze that should melt iron. "All right then." He finally said and the conversation was over. Just to be sure, Merlin made sure to eat as much as he could. He cut everything into tiny pieces and shallowed without biting, holding his breath so he couldn't taste. When the meal was over, he made sure to walk past his mother so she could see he had eaten. He felt heavy and too full and his head felt weird like in sugar high.

Back in his room he went to sit on his couch not actually sure if he could keep it all inside of him if he lied down and didn't have gravity on his side. As he sat there concentrating on not throwing up at the force of breathing simply too deeply or moving too quickly. He realised that this was the first time in a long time in his room that he wasn't studying. He let his mind wander back to the dinner. He had to be more careful. He couldn't let his mother notice… He would have to start to eat more, he was getting thinner and he had never had much weight on him… He decided to go to weight himself. There was a scale in his bathroom so he stepped on it and waited for a result.

48kg…

Merlin looked at it in disbelieve.

48kg…. He had lost 6kg in just two weeks, of course his mother would notice! Merlin felt his heart raze painfully. And he had just eaten too… He couldn't let this happen… He had to make a plan to gain weight again and fast. He stormed back to his room and to his desk. There was somewhere the notes for normal energy and nutrition...

2000 calories… His head told him the answer before he could find the notes. Of course… he had read the notes so many times… So 2000 calories a day. As he mentally skipped through what he had eaten in past few days he realised that it's not nearly enough. He had to start watching himself. He would get that 2000 calories and even more until his weight was normal again. He touched his sides and felt his ribs. He shuddered when it dawned to him that at this rate he would get very sick. 'And then they would notice…' He really had to keep this secret. He looked down and noticed that his slim fit t-shirt did nothing to hide how thin he was. Did he have something else…?

Merlin walked to his closet and skimmed through his shirts. He managed to find something he had not wore in a long time… a blue and a red long-sleeved turtleneck shirts. He took his t-shirt off and tried the blue one on. It still fit and it felt warm. He went to his bathroom to check how it looked from the mirror. He was surprised that it actually fit quite well… It was a tad bit faded but otherwise it was in good condition. The fabric was thick and soft and warm and when he moved a bit he noticed that the fabric hid his body shape well. Merlin felt relieved and decide to wear it (and the red one) until he had gained more weight. He also tried them on with a t-shirt underneath. It was even better.

As Merlin once again sat on his sofa he actually felt pretty good. He felt warm in his newly found shirt and the meal finally starting to settle in his stomach. Uther would also stay away because his mother was home and Arthur… Arthur had helped him. The thought of Arthur made his mood go down again. Yes, Uther wouldn't most likely come today, but there was no escaping from himself now was there… Merlin sighed and moved to his table to grab a book. He chose history and moved back to his couch. He flipped the pages to a random location and started to read.

* * *

He had read through Ottomans empire when Arthur came knocking on his door. When Merlin heard the knocking he jumped up almost dropping his book. When Arthur didn't hear any reply, (honestly he wasn't even sure if one could hear any reply trough the thick doors of this house) he just walked in just to find Merlin standing next to his couch, weird look on his face like he had been caught in doing something very, very wrong. "Merlin…" He said slowly, sounding suspecting. "Ye- yeah" Merlin managed to stutter. "Thats a history book, not porn, relax a bit." Arthur said with a grin and taunt in his voice. Merlin blushed and was clad that he only had this dim reading light on and even that was behind his back from where Arthur was looking at him, so Arthur couldn't see his face very well.

"Really Merlin, studying again… you either are incredibly stupid or you are going to wash the floors with the rest of us when we have tests in this period." Arthur continued as he made his way to sit next to still standing Merlin. "Sit." Now Arthur sounded like he was talking to an incredible slow being. Merlin sat down only half a meter apart from Arthur even if he was sitting on the very end of his couch. This furniture was clearly too small…

Arthur sighed. "Merlin I want to talk to you…" Merlin squirmed as he knew from the change of Arthurs tone what was coming. "I know you don't eat at school and that you don't eat at home, so where do you eat? You are never going to pass the PE at this rate, look at you!" He pinched Merlins arm "Hey!" Merlin yelped sounding insulted. Arthur ignored him and said "Only skin and bone, seriously Merlin, I understand how you don't want to talk about this with Hunith and Father but seriously I will tell them if you don't do something yourself soon." Arthur knew he said 'seriously' twice but he was serious.

He had noticed Merlins lack of eating some time ago and as he had thought it for a week now, he had remembered some PE talk Lance had given them about nutrition and he remembered this thing called anorexia. The disease to make one trying to be perfect. Perfectly thin with usually perfect scores. It was usually girls who got that but Lance had made a clear point how boys could also have that and Merlin fit the bill perfectly. Arthur didn't want that for Merlin. He didn't want him to wither away and burry his head on the books… he was perfect the way he was.

Arthur sighed when Merlin casted his eyes down. "Look Merlin, I know that this family tends to put pressure on you and I'm not the best one to make this any easier for you but really, you can talk to me if you want. We could do some stuff together, you are far too often holed up in here." Merlin looked at Arthur amazed. He didn't think Arthur would go this far for him… "Will you take me outside?" He asked hopefully. Merlin had wanted to leave this house for many times a day for ages now, but he didn't know any places to go… and Uther didn't let him leave if he didn't have any reason to leave…

As Merlin was feeling sincerely hopeful and his eyes sparkled at Arthur with images of the outside world, he didn't notice Arthurs slight blush. "Yeah… sure." He replied trying to sound nonchalant about it. "Where do you want to go?" He asked happy that he had finally managed to offer his help to Merlin and happy that he had clearly done the right thing with him. "I don't really know much places here… anywhere is fine!" Merlin couldn't believe his luck! He could get out of the house and go spend time with Arthur…

Arthur smiled at Merlin and told him that he was going to go to a park to play some football with his team mates saturday and Merlin could come with them if he wanted. "Is all you do football?" Merlin laughed. "Of course not! We can go do something else some other day…" Arthur said thinking that he should have suggested something else. "No, no... football is fine as long as I don't have to play…" Merlin corrected him fast not wanting to wait to some other week. Arthur smirked the way that seemed to say 'We'll see about that…'

Oh, that grin was beautiful… Merlin had to fight his urge to hug Arthur and smell his neck and… Merlin mentally slapped himself and tried to focus back to his book automatically but Arthur snatched the book away. "No, not any more of this, come to my room, I was thinking of watching a movie anyway." Merlin looked doubtful so Arthur added "I'll let you hold my hand if you get scared." Arthur realised that he was only half joking. But it was Merlins reaction that made him grin like a lunatic. Merlin blushed darkly and he opened his mouth as to say something but just a sound that reminded him of fish pulled into a dry land came out. "…Prat…" Was Merlins reply after he got himself together and Arthur just laughed.

"Come on, I have to wake up tomorrow. I can't sleep until I get to school like some of us, I have to run." Alright Merlin could sleep until his ride to school, but it wasn't his fault that it was easier for him to sleep in mornings than nights… And it was Arthurs own idea to run to school! Still he let Arthur drag him up and followed him to his room while feeling a still warm spot where Arthur had touched his arm. When Arthur sat on the middle of his couch after putting the movie on, Merlin sat on the floor next to the end of the couch. He had found courage to come to Arthurs room but still didn't dare to sit even as close as on the same furniture as Arthur if he could choose.

The movie was a war movie from the dark ages and about one of the many wars between Scotland and England. Merlin couldn't help himself but see their history teachers point of how much there were mistakes in historical movies and he started to comment on them as the movie went on. "You are starting to sound like Geofrey… Merlin shut up." Was the thank you for his hard work but he grinned anyway. "You are just easy to please." he shot back "I need some higher culture to satisfy my higher functioning brain." he continued the last part mimicking their history teachers dusty voice making Arthur laugh.

The story was interesting and the footage wasn't bad so they both liked the movie and even Merlin admitted that he was alright them eating with forks and having tunics that weren't in fashion until hundred years later… When Merlin returned to his room to sleep, he felt happy. For a time seemed like forever he went to sleep early and slept well until morning.


	6. Chapter 6 - A day out

About 250 kcal from breakfast and another 100 from chocolate from wending machine… He would have to get at least 600 from school lunch… Merlin had started to eat more. At first it was difficult but now, after just three days, he was getting a hang of it. He could eat, and he had gained some weight, but he still couldn't help put throw up after Uther visited his room. He didn't even want to stop because he felt like that was the only way to rid him of Uther from his insides. But that was something he could do nothing right now so Merlin ignored it.

Concentrating on eating gave him something new to think about and he had even got a book about nutrition from the schools library. He had memorised many common ingredients calories and he calculated his estimate calorie input at least five times a day. He felt a bit obsessed, but this was better than most of the obsessions he could get… He was quite sure of that.

Arthur also seemed pleased and Merlin found himself waiting for the weekend for the first time in a long while. Gwen was also coming to the park with them. Her big brother played in the team. "My brother used to be always in trouble and even after our dad made him start football to lose some of the steam, he used to have trouble following rules, but now he has really calmed down and it's great to see him play!" Gwen told him one lunch while Merlin was trying to estimate how much beef his beef casserole had in grams…

"Merlin, it's also great to see you like this. You seem more animate and cheerful I think…" Merlin stopped weighting his plate and looked at Gwen a bit puzzled. "Just it's nice to get out of the house… you know how Uther doesn't let me go just wander around on my own…" he said slowly not quitting his task of estimation. "That's so unfair! I know he must be thinking of your best but still… you are not a child anymore Merlin, he-" Gwen sounded a bit mad and Merlin couldn't help but protest "It's not like I have anywhere to go… really Gwen…" He was not sure why he was defending Uther and not saying anything on 'must think your best'. It left a bitter taste in his mouth, but he soon realised that he couldn't say anything else anyway.

"Sorry…" Gwen said and looked embarrassed. "You could visit my house someday!" she still soon added much more excited. She was trying to change the subject and finding a solution for Merlins argument. "We could go somewhere and then to my house and watch a movie or something… You could even spent the night with me, well I don't mean spend the night like that with me but…" After Merlin had assured her that he knew what she meant, for once not finding Gwens habit amusing, Gwen went on and on about everything fun they could do and Merlin just smiled. It sounded nice. He was sure that Uther wouldn't let him spent the night, but maybe one evening… He could even lie it was about studying, like Arthur always left the house for 'studying' with his friends… He promised Gwen he would ask if he could come next week and they ate in a pleasant silence after that.

On the ride home, Merlin tried to find his courage to talk to Uther about next week (Who, as Merlin knew, was the one he would really have to get the permission from), but when Uther started to open Merlins belt, he couldn't say anything anymore. When they had to stop to wait traffic light to turn green, Merlin was afraid someone from the outside would see him. When the light changed and Uther sped up the car he was sure one boy in the next car was looking at him directly. He kept his eyes on the boy as far as he could see him and only kept himself calm with his will power. The boy turned to another direction soon and pointed at something to maybe his mother in other direction. Still Merlin couldn't shake the shame of being his pants down and Uthers hand making his thing semi-erect in front of a child… 'I'm the worst…' He thought while Uther kept massaging his balls. Merlin decided to ask the permission from his mother when she got home the day after tomorrow.

* * *

200 kcal. Somehow he had to get at least 200 calories inside of him. His mother was in a day shift today so it was highly possible that Uther would… He refused to think that. 200… shouldn't be that hard but he could still feel Uthers hand in his pants and he even had to check twice if he was sitting in the kitchen or if he still in Uthers car.

He tapped his foot to the floor impatiently trying to think before he rose up once more to search for something to eat but felt everything in the fridge remind of him about what could come this night… yogurt, milk, God forbid banana! He closed the door with a slam and went back to sit. 'Something high in energy, just to get this over with it…'

While he was thinking this his eyes laid to a fancy tray full of additional spices and vinaigrettes and oils for salads. Oil. He took one expensive looking olive oil bottle and flipped it so he could see the informative label. 900 calories per 100ml… That makes it 90 calories per 10ml.. so about 2 tablespoons would make it to 200. Merlin felt that this was the finest product in the whole wide world and an answer to his problems.

He almost ran to take a tablespoon and shallowed three of them in row. The taste was a bit bitter and far too oily to be pleasurable but the texture was far better than the one in yogurt… He could start adding this in to his meal every night… that would make his meal worth much more energy. Merlin closed the bottle and looked at the label. It had some olive trees in a sunny field drawer to it. 'Extra virgin olive oil' what ever that meant…

"Merlin…" Uthers voice made him almost jump from his skin and he dropped the oil bottle making it shatter. He looked at the mess at his feet and feared for the worst as he slowly raised his head to meet Uthers gaze. "I- I… " Merlin stuttered and Uther frowned but then just said "I have to leave to meet a client, I expect you to tell Arthur that I will be home very late…. And clean up this mess you have caused." With that he left.

Merlin stood very still not believing his luck. As if he would breath Uther would come back. When he heard the front door close, he slowly slid onto the floor and felt the biggest grin he could fit in his face form. He laughed out loud, 'Yes, yes!' the house would be his for another two hours with no fear of Uther and did he say he would be away till late? What a happy, happy occasion. Usually Uther left early to his company office and came back with Merlin and then retired to his home office until dinner. But now he was away… Merlin felt like yelling out loud how happy he was.

Merlin gathered biggest glass shards fast and then took some towels to clean up the oil. He didn't even mind, he was so happy. He practically danced to his room to change his trousers because they had oil stains in them and then he took an old fantasy book with him to living room. If he had just stayed in his own room, he would probably just go to his everyday routine of studying and he had not been in other parts of the house for a long time in ages. He had been too afraid to face Uther… Now he could just do what ever he wanted! He opened radio and played it too loud and read his book that had nothing to do with studying. This was the best day!

* * *

When Arthur came home, he found Merlin laying on their living room sofa upside down reading a book with a dragon on its cover. Some jazz radio was playing so loud that he barely heard his own thoughts. He just stared at this sight that was definitely from somewhere else than from his living room. "I take it father is not home…" He finally deduced. "You could say that." Merlin replied calmly without pausing his reading. "What is this that you are listening?" Arthur still couldn't get past this- this abnormality he had in no way prepared himself. "I have no idea" Merlin replied sincerely. He didn't care as long as it silenced all unwanted thoughts in his head. Arthur smiled at himself, Merlin was buried in his book and had yet to look at him. He liked seeing Merlin like this, not jumpy and depressed but like this just… being Merlin.

Arthur went back to entrance to take his jacket off and saw a note on the table from his father with enough money to feed them twice. "Merlin! You wanna go to eat something?" He yelled and still he was not sure if his voice reached Merlin. The money was meant to order something home delivered, but Arthur saw a change to take Merlin out of the house. That was, if he would come with him. Merlin seemed to be comfortable enough where he was. "What do you have in mind?" Apparently Merlin had heard. "I don't know, chines, pizza, you pick!" He yelled again. "I'll come." came a reply and the music finally ended. Merlin put his jacket on and stuffed his book to one of his surprisingly large pockets.

Arthur smiled and took his phone to call a cab. When the cab came surprisingly quick, Arthur opened the front door and stepped side so Merlin could climp in. Merlin, however ignored him and opened the back door for himself. "Ummm… there is an open seat here in front you know…" Arthur said. He had offered it to Merlin to be polite and Merlins actions surprised him. "I want to sit here and so I'm sitting." Merlin replied in so cheerful manner that Arthur couldn't even tease him about it. "Uh… ok…" He said and sat in the front seat himself. Sometimes Merlin was a big surprise for him.

The ride was uneventful. Merlin was mostly reading and Arthur tried to get Merlin to give him some imput of what he woul like to eat. They decided to eat pizza so Arthur took them to a fairly nice italian restaurant. "You realise that I would have been happy with a normal pizzeria, right?" Merlin had to ask when he and Arthur had left the cab. "Father left the money, so it's alright." He said even thought technically he would have to use his own money for the cab, but he didn't mind right now so he said nothing about that to Merlin. Merlin decided that he would order the most expensive item on the menu.

The restaurant was nice. It was rustic and Merlin enjoyed looking at all the things on the walls and shelves. There were old photos in frames from Italy and old coffee pots and kettles and spices hanging on the walls. The place was lit with mitch-matching lights and candles but it was in no way dark. "You seem like you have never seen a restaurant before." Arthur couldn't help himself from commenting with a smile in his face. "Try finding a restaurant in my home village. I'll treat you if you can find an Italian restaurant there." Arthur felt a bit stupid… If he had thought of this sooner, he could have taken Merlin to somewhere ages ago.

Now that he thought of it he realised that Merlin almost every day woke up, went to school with his father, ate at school, went home with his father and they usually ate home… When would he eat in restaurants? The only places Uther ever took them were so fancy that it was far from even Arthurs comfort zone even if he had grown up with them. Or maybe not so far from his comfort zone. He liked the fancy food and atmosphere, but eating with his father and some business associations popping up from left and right… Maybe it was the company most of the times.

Merlin was already reading the list that waiter had left them when she had taken them to their table. He looked like a second Christmas had come. Arthur thought of all the fancy restaurants his farther had forced him to go to meet his business associates or just to meet other important people 'by chance' until last year when Uther had become a 'family man' as he liked to call himself to other important people. Arthur thought how much more fun would eating out have been if Merlin had been with him… Or even better, if they could have gone to eat together like this every time his father had dragged Arthur with him after Morgana had moved out because 'there was no-one to watch over Arthur and anyway he should get used to talking with important people'.

"Can I take this one with salami and goat cheese?" Merlin interrupted his thoughts "Yeah, anything you want… Have you chosen your drink yet?" Merlin beamed at him. He felt luxurious being in restaurant and it felt good that Arthur was (in a way) treating him. He was not sure if this was alright, but he wanted to go with the flow. He just had to keep strictly in his mind that this was not a date. "I'll take a coke." Arthur waved waiter and ordered for them. He had been here enough times to know what he was going to order without looking at the menu. "17, 14 with extra onion, a coke and one soda." Merlin looked amused on how fluently Arthur ordered. Arthur paid no attention to it.

It was friday so the place was full and the food took a bit longer than usual, but Arthur didn't mind. He liked talking with Merlin and just spend some time with him. They usually didn't have that much time at school and in home, Merlin was always howled up in his room and Arthur somehow felt that he had to have something real to say to Merlin if he wanted to disturb him. Most of the time Arthur didn't even remember that there was someone living in Morganas old bedroom.

The pizza was delicious. Merlin had never had a pizza like this and the feeling of eating it in a restaurant made him feel special. Eating pizza from a pizza sized plate with knife and fork was also a new experience to him "I always thought pizza was just a fast-food with lots of cheese… " He mused as he marvelled at his beautifully done pizza with salami, goat cheese and rucola sprinkled on top making the colours of an Italian flag. "Shh… This place is owned by an Italian family… show some respect to pizza, I want to be able to come back…" Arthur whispered in fake conspiracy and Merlin laughed before attacking his pizza.

Eating had not been Merlins favourite part of the day for a while now but the pizza tasted awesome. He felt like it was the best thing he had ever eaten in his entire life and ate far more than he really could. Arthur was happy to see Merlin like this, maybe he had been worried for nothing…

That night Merlin and Arthur watched some stupid tv-show and went to sleep late. Merlin could have stayed up later but Arthur was used to waking up early and so he tired early. As Merlin showered, he felt for once that he got cleaner in the hot water. After shower he felt sleepy and full and he imagined a tiny golden ball of light inside him staying pure and lighting the darkness that had consumed his body. He still had something to himself, he just wasn't sure what it was yet. He curled in his bed as to protect this tiny light inside of him. He couldn't wait tomorrow to come.

* * *

"Merlin…Merlin you lazy idiot. Merlin!" Merlins eyes snapped open. Arthurs face was hovering above his which made Merlin froze. "Come on! We have to leave soon and you need to pack us lunch!" Arthur said cheerfully and headed out from the room. "Why do I have to make the lunch?" Merlin got out of his mouth before Arthur disappeared through his door. Arthur just glanced back and replied lightly "Because you don't have time to eat breakfast anymore." 'Figures… He could have woken me up for that earlier. Bet he just was too lazy to make his own lunch'! Merlin grumbled in his mind but didn't really mind too much. He climbed out from his warm bed and put on his jeans.

He was just trying to decide if he could use his red shirt one more day or should he take the blue one, when Arthur suddenly opened his door and let himself in Merlin jumped and tried to cover his chest with the red shirt that was in his hand "Can't you knock?!" Arthur frowned "Don't be such a girl, Merlin. Like I haven't seen you change before… Anyway, you can't wear that." Arthur said and pointed Merlins jeans. "Put on sweatpants or your gym clothes. We are going to play!" Merlin frowned. "I told you I'm not going to play." still keeping his shirt against his chest. "Yes, you will. Now movie it, I want decent lunch ready in 20 minutes." Arthur said again cheerfully and opened Merlins closet. "You enjoy making me miserable, don't you?" Merlin had to ask. Arthur didn't answer, just grinned widely. Seeing Arthur smile made all the discomfort Merlin had evaporate. He sighed. He had to relax his grip on his shirt as he tried to conceal his own smile by pulling his shirt on.

Arthur put Merlins sweatpants on the edge of his sofa and was about to make a remark on how little used they seemed, but the remark died in his throat as he saw Merlin topless. Merlin didn't see it because his head was inside his shirt but Arthurs eyes widened briefly as he saw how thin Merlin really was. Merlins arms raised, he could count all of Merlins ribs. He really was too thin. But how… he had seen Merlin eat yesterday well and he didn't seem like he somehow resented eating. At all! Could one really get so thin with a lack of exercise? He really had to start taking Merlin out more…

When Merlin got his head out, Arthur had already turned to leave. "Remember I want some meat in my lunch." and he was gone. "Prat." Merlin said for good humour. He sighed at his sweatpants but changed his jeans anyway. He didn't like the loose feeling, he felt too exposed.

Merlin packed them ham sandwiches, some boiled eggs and orange juice while Arthur kept reminding him about time every other minute. "You could help me, you know?" He had tried once but Arthur had just looked him like he had grown another head. After that Merlin had grumbled something about rich kids and prats, but Arthur had just ignored him and reminded him of the time again.

Lance came to pick them up and Merlin kind of understood why Arthur had been so concerned about the time. It would have been rude to make their teacher wait when he obviously couldn't live in the area. Merlin took the back seat again happy that he could make the decision and even if he kind of hoped that Arthur would sit next to him, he was also clad when he sat next to Lance and Merlin had all the space for himself. Lance talked with Arthur cheerfully and Merlin got the impression that they got along well. Lance even made the effort to talk with Merlin and he kept to topics that Merlin could understand. Merlin really did like his PE teacher. This day was going to be fun.

* * *

They were first to arrive to the park which made Merlin grumpy again. "And what was the reason exactly that we had to hurry? When are the others coming anyway?" He made no effort to hide his annoyance. "In an hour or so…" Arthur didn't sound sorry. "What?! You dragged me out from my bed and made me hurry like some servant to waite here an hour?! You total clot-pole!" He was now beyond annoyed, he had been sleeping so soundly and that prat had ruined it!

"A clot-pole Merlin. Really?" Again, no apology or even the understanding to sound sorry. "Yes." He said in a final tone in his voice. Arthur looked a second like he was going to ask but threw a ball to Merlin instead. "I'm going to set the goals and stuff… and I have to be the first now that I'm the captain." Arthur sounded serious and responsible and Merlin would have lied if he said that he didn't admire that part in Arthur. He really took his team seriously.

"So you decided that football is important to you then?" He asked reminding Arthur about the conversation they had a long time ago. "…If it's you I can tell… " Arthur said after a moments hesitation. This sparked Merlins interest immediately "I like football but… I can't say I would like to have this much effort into it. I'll never be professional." He said slowly not looking at Merlin but drawing a large circle in sand with a stick. Merlin followed him with his eyes "So why…?" Merlin knew that Arthur would explain so he didn't finish his question. He hoped it was not because of Uther…

"For my team." At this Arthur looked straight at Merlins eyes certainty in his voice and his eyes held no regret. "I want to be the captain and I want to help my team to do better and hopefully have some fun as well." He smiled a bit at the last part and that made Merlin smile widely. He felt so proud… "So is that why we are here today?" He didn't want to tell Arthur how proud he was exactly but he was pretty sure Arthur knew anyway. "As a matter of fact, yes we are. Even you are not completely clueless all the time…" Arthur said clearly trying to make up for the sappy moment and for the lost time of teasing Merlin. Merlin smiled a bit to that before sighing and sitting down. "Your turn to do all the work…" He mumbled and set himself on watching the morning sun and maybe glancing at Arthur now and then…

It was about half an hour when Lance came back. He had gone to the school to get some more supplies. Merlin had a nagging feeling that it was because he had taken room from Lances car. It wasn't a very big car. "I see you have done good work here already." He beamed at Arthur and Merlin and didn't mention his second trip in any way. "I think it's better that we can start right away, some of the team wouldn't be so happy if I made them draw circles at ten o'clock in the morning." Arthur said and to Merlin it looked like Lance knew exactly who Arthur was referring to.

"I guess you are right. Should we make the warm up brief then?" Lance answered. "I think so yes, it's supposed to be just a bit of fun. And we also have this one broomstick over there and Elyans sister coming…" Lance followed the direction Arthur pointed and seemed that he just noticed Merlin in a new way. Merlin was quite sure Lance hadn't expected him to play. "Nice to hear you are joining us Merlin." He said with a smile on his handsome face. Merlin got a little bit nervous. Smiling made Lance look even more handsome that usual and the fact that the smile ws directed to him... but he managed to reply "Arthur needed someone to make him lunch. He couldn't make a sandwich even if his life depended on it." Lance laughed at this and Arthurs gaze spelled m-u-r-d-e-r. Merlin relaxed clad that he had Lances acceptance.

It didn't take long for everyone minus Elyan and Gwen had gathered to the field. Arthur was getting everyone and asking thinks like how they were, or how was something that they had talked about last week and Merlin soon lost interest. Luckily Lance seemed to notice this and came to sit by him. They talked about this and that for a while "In nowhere have I ever seen a whole football team which has five practices a week a top of school come to play at saturday morning." He told Merlin and this made Merlin smile. "I bet it's because of Arthur. No offence." He said. Lance just smiled "None taken. Even I'm here because of Arthur."

This made Merlin curious. "What do you mean?" He asked a bit cautiously. Lance smiled at him "I mean that I'm not getting paid for weekends, but If Arthur can get the whole team this exited then it would be weird if I didn't come." Merlin accepted this explanation and turned back to the field. He saw Arthur laughing with some of his team mates and his heart felt heavy with longing- Still there was happiness of seeing this side of Arthur. "I guess I know what you mean." He said to no-one exactly.

* * *

It was just five to ten when Elyan came running with Gwen not far behind. "I told you would make me late! Women!" Elyan said to Gwen when she had stopped breathing heavily and Elyan had dropped their stuff next to Merlin. "If you want to be here before ten you tell me before ten! Look, it's not even ten yet!" Gwen was not happy to be blamed and Merlin could see from his friends face that she really was not the one to blame (in this non-existing being late case…) Elyan grinned "Don't take everything so seriously." and ran of to meet the others.

Gwen sat down with a huff. "Change a brother with me, will you Merlin." Merlin laughed. "Oh, you have not met Lance right?" He said as he suddenly realised that Gwen was not in boys PE. How stupid of him. "Hello, pleasure to meet you. I'm Lance." Lance said and shook Gwens hand over Merlin. Gwen blushed a little. "I'm Gwen, Merlins friend. Oh, but that's not why I'm here! I'm also that GOOD FOR NOTHINGS sister!" She turned her head to yell the last part so her brother would hear.

Merlin tried to correct his awkward position. Lance was still holding Gwens hand in front of his face. Lance seemed to realise that and let go of Gwen which was a relieve for Merlin. "I heard you are going to play also, am I incorrect?" Lance said possibly to both of them but he seemed to look only at Gwen. "Of course! I must show my brother not to belittle me." she said and took her scarf and her jacket off revealing a jumper and a sport t-shirt underneath. "You coming Merlin?" She said cheerfully. "I really don't…" He started but was interrupted by Arthur who came running to their direction. "Come on Merlin! We are waiting for you two!" He dragged Merlin up and Merlin felt embarrassingly warm as Arthur spun him around and pull his jacket off. "Gwen, I'll trust you will keep this idiot alive in the field?" Arthur seemed to trust Gwens ability to play football over Merlins. "Yes sir!" Gwen fake saluted. Arthur smiled at her and Merlin felt jealousy sweep over him. Why couldn't he has been born as a girl… Everything would be so much easier that way.

Gwen took his arm before he could dwell on it more and within a blink of an eye he was in a mist of warm up lapses and pushups and stretching. Awesome. But when the game started, he had to admit, it was fun… First he just felt stupid trying to run about to the same side of the field that the ball was, but Arthurs team mates turned out to be a bunch of goofy, hard working but fun loving idiots. In the best possible way there was. They had different rules than normal. In place of goals there were two round circles, about one and a half meter in diameter Arthur had been drawing earlier. In the middle of both circle, there was an extra ball. Anyone could be the goalie but no-one could go inside the circle. The objective was to make the ball in the circle get out from the circle. It was different and it was fun.

Merlin was on the other team than Gwen and Merlin had great time trying to beat her. He was faster runner than Gwen but Gwen obviously had some talent with kicking, something Merlin lagged. Still when he kicked the ball in whatever direction, the others were yelling stuff like "Awesome, I got it!" or "Good pass!" or "Pass it to me Merlin!" or "No! To me, to me!" Merlin had never felt so fun playing before and he even got the ball to hit the 'goal-ball' once. Sadly his kick was not strong enough to make the ball leave the circle.

"Argh! Merlin you kick like girl! Who's the clot-pole now?" Arthur yelled at him across the field. "That's not what it means!" Merlin yelled back as he was in such a good mood that he only found humour in Arthurs comment. "Then pray tell me what it means!" Arthur kept yelling at him over the filed. "In two words?" Merlin asked smirking "Yes!" Arthurs voice was somewhere between frustration and begging. "Captain Arthur!" Merlin yelled at him smoothly. This made the whole team laugh which made Merlin feel proud of himself.

After few 'goals' (those are surprisingly hard to get) one of the player whose name Merlin now knew was Oliver asked Arthur if it was time to have lunch. Arthur checked his watch and nodded which immediately made Oliver turn and shout on the top of his lungs "LUUUUNCH!" Merlin happened to be the unlucky one standing nearest to him at that time. Arthur had been quick to cover his ears just in time.

"My hearing will never be the same…" Merlin whined as Arthur opened their lunch boxes. "Consider yourself lucky. He once did that right to my ear. I'm lucky that I still have them intact!" Elyan commented on that, while sitting on the other side of Arthur. "Well, you were sleeping in the middle of goal and we needed to start, it's your own fault the you didn't wake up! Oliver was our last resort." Someone whose name Merlin still didn't remember, but had the smoothest looking curls ever, said lightly. Apparently Oliver was known for his ability to yell. The whole team was gathering around them to eat.

As they ate, Merlin shut himself from the conversation and focussed on the fresh air and the surprisingly nicely warming early spring sun. The ground still wasn't warm but now that the sun was up, even he didn't need his jacket. He ate few sandwiches and drank some juice which made him very drowsy. He hadn't moved like this in a long time, in PE he usually tried to avoid getting too involved. He didn't feel good enough and he didn't like the competing games or the 'do this, do that, now, faster, more!' way the classes usually were. At least Lance was not one of those teachers who told him how much of a sissy he was if he couldn't do 50 push ups in a row…

"If you were like this in my classes, I could actually get you a good grade, you know." Speaking of the teacher… "Hmh" was Merlins interested reply. Lance didn't press him on the subject but Gwen decided to comment "Merlin you were awesome! I thought that I would wipe the field with you, but you can really run!" she told him excitedly. "Gee, thanks Gwen" Merlin rolled his eyes at her. He just now realised that Lance and Gwen had been sitting next to him talking together for the majority of time they had been eating.

Lance looked them a bit amused and that should have been it, but for a short second something in Lances eyes caught Merlins attention. "Are you two perhaps…?" There was a short pause when they both seemed to try to catch the meaning of Lances question. Gwen was faster "Oh! No, no, no, we are just friends!" Merlin also caught something, but it was not the same thing. Lances eyes changed again, just a tiny bit, but Merlin saw it. Relieve. Want. Lust? Merlin shuddered. 'No… I can't be sure… maybe I saw wrong…' but he suddenly didn't like Lance that much anymore.

"Merlin?" Gwen looked at him a weird look on her face and he realised he had been quiet too long. "You didn't have to say 'no' three times. I would have only said 'no' twice." He grumbled to save the situation and to make clear at the same time that Gwen didn't have to worry for him liking her that way. Gwen laughed and blushed a little. Lance was watching her and smiled gently. Merlin really didn't like this…

After lunch the team decided to have a more serious match and Merlin was clad that he was given an option to just watch. He was tired and his muscles had started to hurt. Arthur told him to stretch, but Merlin couldn't be bothered. Lance had gone to play with the team so he was left alone with Gwen. "He is quite handsome, isn't he?" Merlin snapped his head towards her and mumbled "How would I know." He was not happy of which way this was going. "Oh, I didn't mean it that way. I was just, you know, just noticing. It just there are not many handsome people around me often and I just…noticed." Merlin usually found her rambling cute but now he felt a bigger problem looming in her words. "I assume that you mean Lance. Don't let Arthur hear you say that and thanks by the way."

Gwen looked at him puzzled for a second and then blushed "Sorry, I didn't mean that you are not handsome! I mean you are… in your own way." She was quick to correct. Merlin laughed and lowered himself lying to grass. "Not making it any better." he said in a sing a song voice. "Oh, you are one…" Gwen pushed his elbow lightly and Merlin saw her smile too. He was glad to have a friend like that. He really did like Gwen. On that thought he got a little bit more serious. "Just be careful ok, remember Lance is an adult…" Gwen looked at him now also a serious look in her face "I know… I'm just enjoying it a bit. I promise!" She smiled at him and Merlin had to smile back. "Ok, I'll not tell Arthur that you don't think he is handsome." He teased earning a new punch to his elbow.

They laughed a little and now that Merlins interest was again slipping he found it hard to keep his eyes open. "Will you be bored if I sleep a bit?" He asked Gwen. "No, go ahead. Do you want my jacket? I'm good." Merlin nodded and took her jacket. He rolled his own jacket under his head and used Gwens as a blanket. Even thought the sun was warm, when he was lying on the ground falling asleep, he liked he extra warmth. Gwens jacket smelled nice and he fell asleep on the background noise of football.

Gwen looked at Merlin for a while. Merlin was a good guy. She wondered how her life would be without him and she decided she didn't like it. But something felt… wrong. Something about Merlin lately. She knew he was lying sometimes about somethings that didn't make any sense. Like there were times she knew he was lying about eating or sometimes he just seemed to stop functioning and he was not telling why. Well, stop would be a wrong word. More like froze on the spot. She wanted to ask Merlin what was going on but somehow she never could. As a separated things they always seemed too trivial to question Merlin or call to his lie.

She looked at Merlins sleeping face. He looked peaceful. That made Gwen smile. She focused on the game again and decided to be there, if Merlin wanted to talk to her about anything. With that, she noticed once again Lance passing the ball to Arthur who made a goal. She would have cheered if she didn't worry about waking Merlin. Lance looked at her direction and their eyes met. Gwen waved at him and smiled. Lance nodded at her and also smiled before continuing the game. Gwen felt her smile grow wider. He really was handsome. And nice too…

* * *

Merlin woke up when the game was over and Elyan came to back his stuff. Arthur was still talking about something with Lance and some other players so Merlin didn't bother to rise up yet. "…it all? You drank it all?! What kind of a sister you are? I'm dying here for thirst!" "Well I was thirsty too! You could have taken your own bottle!" Merlin focused on listening Elian and Gwen bicker. Again…

Soon he couldn't take it anymore. "You can have some of my juice, it's in that blue bag." He said to Elyan lazily who beamed at him. "See! At least your boyfriend has some manners." Merlin blushed at that and Gwen seemed like there would come steam from her ears in any second now. "We are not dating…" Merlin replied calmly from the ground to avoid that.

Elyan actually looked genuinely surprised at that which made Merlin blush more. "But you are like the only thing Gwen talks at home… and then why did you come today here then?" He directed his question to Gwen puzzled. This made Gwen push Elyan hard on his side "I do speak about lot of things, you just never listen you buffoon! And why I came is non of your business!" Gwen huffed and took her stuff from the ground, her jacket from Merlin and started to walk to the direction they came from in the morning mumbling about something.

"Uh… so you are really not dating?" Elyan eventually asked to be sure. "No, Gwen is a good friend, I like spending time with her." Merlin tried to explain. He was not embarrassed anymore. He kind of felt that he would have to explain this many times in a future. Maybe it was not so common to have a girl friend you didn't want to date… "It's just… she was so excited to come today and she was rambling how she wanted to play and that you were coming too… I thought that she must have a boyfriend and then I saw you here together… " Elyan sounded apologetic. Merlin smiled a little and decided to tell Elyan. "She was excited to see you play. She's proud of you for giving it your all… And she seemed to enjoy playing herself."

Elyan looked at him like he had a second head. "…You understand my sister? Wow, dude that's like a super power…" He was quiet for a moment and added "She really came to see me?" He sounded unsure so Merlin nodded. "Don't tell her I told you. She will have my head." This made Elyan relax a bit. It seemed that making fun of his sister was a solid ground for him and being praised by her (even undirectly) was foreign territory. "Ok, I won't. But you own me one good change to tease her." Merlin laughed awkwardly at Elyans reply. He could see Elyan coming to him in hallways to ask for any juicy gossips of Gwen. There was no way he would promise anything to his friends brother.

"I'll have to leave now or else she is going to leave me behind… But tell me if you want to date Gwen, I'll give you my full support!" Elyan said cheerfully while collecting his stuff even when Merlin satyed quiet. It didn't seem that he had really waited for a reply. Merlin rolled his eyes "You support would ruin my changes." He yelled after Elyan when he turned to leave. Elyan just laughed and jogged after Gwen who was not in sight anymore.

"Merlin, time to go." Arthur had finished what ever he had been doing and he and Lance were coming where Merlin sat to get their stuff. "Did Gwen leave already?" Lance asked in a too nonchalant voice. Merlin tried to look normal and just replied "Yes, she and Elyan just left." "Oh…" To Merlin Lance looked clearly disappointed. Arthur didn't seem to notice as he was collecting their stuff. Merlin gave him humourless look and Lance backed off "Um, I'l go get the car, see you in a bit." he said looking a bit apologetic to Merlin. "Yeah, we'll just collect ourselves" Arthur looked up to Lance from where he was stuffing stuff to the bag. Merlin just said "Yeah…"

With that Lance left and Merlin kept his eyes on his retiring back. "Quit daydreaming, Merlin, I'm leaving. You coming or not." Merlin dragged himself up. He was a bit cold now and that didn't do well with his now complaining muscles. "I don't know about you but I'm starving! Want to have something on the way home?" Arthur asked. He had actually wanted to see Merlins reaction and so far he had been pleased to see Merlin eat his share of their lunch and he really liked to see Merlin play and enjoy himself. "Yeah sure." Merlin replied and that made Arthur smile. Merlin looked at the other direction so he wouldn't get distracted.

Arthur threw their stuff on the back of Lances car and the rest went with Merlin to the back seat. Lance agreed to drive them to a cafe from a walking distance of their home and after brief goodbyes, they went in a fairly nice cafe. Arthur bought himself a meatball sandwich and coffee and Merlin took hot chocolate with whipped cream and a cinnamon roll. Arthur smirked at his choices but was secretly happy. Those were not a choices of an anorectic person.

They talked about football and Arthurs team mates and Arthur made fun of Merlin skills and Merlin about other team mates making Arthur laugh, Arthurs previous worry evaporated completely. Merlin was just thin… and stayed too much inside. Arthur would just have to take him out more often and after he got his car in few months, he would give Merlin a lift if he needed one. The only hindrance was that Merlin was a horrible liar, so Arthur would most probably have make excuses for Merlin too if he wanted them out of the house.

If this kind of situation would have happened with Morgana Arthur knew that he would have been horrified of the thought, but with Merlin he felt he actually was looking forward to spending more time with him. He almost didn't want to take Merlin anywhere just to drop him off… He wanted to go there with Merlin too, what ever the place Merlin would want to go. Being with Merlin made him calm and warm and seeing Merlin smile made him happy and Merlins humour made him laugh. And even if they lived under the same roof, Arthur didn't want to leave just yet.

Merlin didn't want to leave ever. This was like different universe compared to the house. In that house he would have to face Uther. He would have only his school books to keep him company there and he would again slip into his gray world of depression… He knew it. In here he was sitting in a sunlight coming from large windows. He had hot chocolate and he had Arthur. He felt his funny side rise its head from the deep slumber it had been past weeks, or was it months… It was months… He was not going to think about that now. The tables were small so Merlin was sitting closer to Arthur he usually did even though he had placed himself exactly to the opposite side of the table. The cafe was nice and meant for people who were well of (it was in the same area they lived after all…) It was saturday so there were families and couples and then there was Merlin and Arthur. For just a moment Merlin let himself imagine that they were here for a date and his heart beat with the same golden light he had inside of him. It grew and light his being more and more every time Arthur smiled. If only that could be true…

When they finally had to leave, Merlin was dragging his feet and looking more and more miserable as they got closer being home. He felt the light inside him dim as he had to again set himself in the tune of reality. "It's not like this is going to be the only time you get to go outside…" Arthur tried to figure out what was the reason for Merlins sudden change of mood. "We could go somewhere next saturday?" He tried. "And we could just walk here to have coffee more often…" He continued hoping Merlin would cheer up on the thought of going somewhere with Arthur. "I was going to ask mom if I can go to Gwens… " Merlin replied feeling a bit bad waisting an opportunity to go somewhere with Arthur, but he still was not sure about getting his hopes up with getting to leave to house next saturday. With or without Arthur… And he did want to see Gwens house… Also going to the coffee again… while it sounded like dream come true, he knew that in his and Arthurs mind it was about different things and that made Merlin sad and he was already sliding towards the depression even if they couldn't even see the house yet.

"Can I come too? " Arthur asked. "Or is it just you and Gwen?" He added teasingly. Merlin growled "Not you too! How many more times do I have to explain it today that me and Gwen are just friends?!" He really didn't want Arthur to get the wrong idea. "Ok, ok… But it's your own fault, sleeping under her jacket like that next to her…" Merlin blushed a little at that but still replied "In what time and age are we if I can't have a girl as a friend?" and sighed dramatically. "In high school age. Maybe you have heard of it." Arthur shot back. "Anyway, can I come or do you have other plans with Gwen?" He still wouldn't let the subject go. "No, I Don't. But I still have to ask Gwen first…" Merlin replied firmly. "And get a permission to go." He added more to himself for he didn't want to get his hopes up for nothing.

When Arthur opened the front door, Merlin felt like staying there, outside, until tomorrow when his mother would come home… But he couldn't explain that to Arthur so he entered after him and tried to act normal. He got to carry their lunch packages to kitchen while Arthur went upstairs to change and shower. Merlin felt vulnerable by himself and it didn't take long after he had heard Arthur close his door that Uther showed up from behind him and put his hand on Merlins ass.

"You are late. I hope there is an explanation." Merlin felt uncomfortable and claustrophobic standing between kitchen sink and Uther. "We went to a cafe on our way home." He didn't know if it was a right answer but he had nothing else. "Dinner in soon, I'm sure you knew that. So tell me, was it your idea to go to waste your appetite and Arthurs too?" Uther demented and Merlin knew he was on thin ice here. "No… A-Arthur was hungry after the game." He didn't like blaming Arthur but he didn't know what would happen if he told it had been his idea. "So you didn't take lunch with you then?" This was not really a question. Merlin knew Uther could see the empty storage boxes in the sink.

"Yes… we ate them earlier…" "And I suppose you made them?" Merlin briefly wondered what would happen if he told that Arthur had done them. Would Uther not get mad? Would he be mad at Arthur? Would he do the same thing to him that he did to Merlin…? …No… That wasn't possible. He would have noticed… "Yes. I packed them…" Had he really messed up? If he had taken more food with them Arthur wouldn't have been hungry… he should have been up earlier or faster or- "I hope you are going to take responsibility for this." Uther whispered in his ear which made Merlin shiver. Uther gave a last squeeze for his behind and disappeared upstairs, probably to his study. Merlin was shaking. He couldn't go back where he had been anymore. He didn't want- he had got such a good time and… He felt his heart clench. He had been used to it. He had. And now he felt horrible going back. Suddenly he felt angry. Angry to himself and angry to this house. He wanted to disappear.

But he couldn't. But he had to do something. He left all the containers as they were. He didn't care. And he went to his room and locked it from the inside. Then he went to his bathroom and locked it too. He wouldn't come out. He would stay here. He buried his face into his knees and imagined over and over him being again in that nice cafe with Arthur. Everything Arthur had said and done and how he had moved and looked. Merlin imagined it all until the time blurred.

After Arthur had showered, he packed his fresh sport clothes into his gym back and laid down to his sofa to read the book he had seen Merlin read in their living room few days ago. He found himself curious and when he had seen the book in their school library he had loaned it without thinking. Now he found it entertaining even thought he didn't usually read that much. School work was enough for him.

When it was time for dinner he put a bookmark where he was and headed downstairs. He could talk about the book with Merlin as they ate. His good mood however was ruined as he first founded that Merlin had left all the dished lying around and second that Merlin was nowhere to be seen.

He should have been pissed, but for some reason he wasn't. When he had left Merlin downstairs there had not been anything indicating that Merlin wouldn't do the dishes. "You know that if you take lunch out I expect you to tidy after yourself. I do not like to see these dishes here until monday." Arthur turned his head to see his father sitting in the table reading a news paper, food already on the table. "I'm sorry father, I'll do it right away." He replied not wanting to argue that it was Merlins job anyway. "No, it's already time to eat, do it after dinner." Uther replied. With a "Yes father." Arthur sat besides his father and waited Merlin to come downstairs. He was starving. Four hours in fresh air did that to him. But Merlin was nowhere to be seen.

When it had been more than five minutes, Uther put his paper down not looking pleased. "Arthur, go get your brother and have him know that he is late." Uther had always been strict about being on time with every occasion. Arthur stood up and climbed up the stairs. 'Merlin should know better than this…' Arthur mused on his way. Something was off. He couldn't say how and he didn't like it.

He was going to just storm into Merlins room and interrupt what ever was making him late. 'Probably sleeping, that lazy ass…' But the door was locked. Arthur was surprised at this. Arthur never locked his door because he knew very well that his father didn't like that, but did Merlin? He tried to knock as quietly as he could while also loud enough that Merlin would hear him. "Merlin! Dinner is ready…" He didn't want any trouble for Merlin. Again something very different compared to his and Morganas relationship. He sighed. Doors in this house were thick and walls heavy soundproof. It was hard to hear through them so Arthur had no idea what Merlin was doing on the other side or if he had even heard him knock. 'Awesome… if he really is sleeping how am I going to wake him up without father noticing…'

He tried again but he didn't have to try long because it seemed that Uthers patience was thin today and soon enough Arthur could hear him coming upstairs. Arthur didn't know what else he could do so he stepped out of the way and Uther took the handle. He didn't seem pleased to find that the door was locked. "Have you tried knocking?" He asked and when Arthur nodded, Uther turned from the door to go to his study. He returned soon with a set of keys in his hand. Arthur prayed Merlin to come out of his room, but it was too late. Uther opened the door and Arthur tried to see past him. To his surprise, Merlin was not in his room. Arthur took two seconds to think 'huh…?' But if his father had been surprised, he didn't show it at all. He turned to bathroom door and when he turned the handle, it didn't budge.

"Merlin… open this door right this instant…" Arthur recognised his fathers voice and he knew that Merlin was in deep trouble now. "Merlin, I'm starving, what are you doing?" he whined. He knew it would annoy his father but he was quite sure that Merlin also knew that he was in trouble and if he didn't respond to his father because he tried to escape his wrath he would just make things worse for himself. Arthur hoped he could make Merlin come out… 'Or maybe he's not even there…' He glanced at the closed closet opposite side of the entrance of Merlins room. But before he could do anything else, Merlin opened his bathroom door not meeting anyones eyes and mumbled something about being in a shower. Arthur knew this couldn't be true because Merlin was wearing the exact same clothes that he had earlier on the day. And when Merlin walked past him, still not meeting his eyes, he still smelled like earth he had slept on. 'What's going on with him…?' Arthur thought. The fact that Merlin bathroom didn't have any lights on didn't make it way to his conscious mind.

Merlin had felt his heart race painfully when he had heard his rooms door open. 'Of course Uther has a key, why does he has to have the key…' He didn't want to go outside. He felt vulnerable and the solid door didn't give enough protection. He was not sure if Uther could open the bathroom door as easily because this door had a much simpler lock you could only lock from inside and it didn't have a keyhole. He buried his head on his knees and tried not to whimper when he heard Uther try the door. He was so close and so scary. What could he do… in any way Uther would be furious and he couldn't make himself to move. Only when he heard Arthurs voice he snapped out from his freeze. He had to go out. Uther would open the door anyway… and Arthur was there…

Merlin stood up slowly and opened the door. He couldn't look at Uthers face, he was too scared, nor Arthurs because he was too ashamed of causing a scene and Arthur seeing it. He tried telling the first reason he could come up with for locking the door, but he knew Uther wouldn't believe him. He was painfully aware of his dirty clothes and sweaty armpits and the best of all, he hadn't put any lights on when he had entered the bathroom. (The light switch was outside of the bathroom) He closed his bathroom door as quickly he could and took a deep breath before he walked past Arthur. He would eat. Then he would come upstairs. Then he would wait for Uther. Then he would throw up. Then he would shower. Then he could again sit in a dark corner alone with no-one seeing him.

After dinner, where Uther had told Merlin to absolutely never lock any of his doors, Merlin had promised he wouldn't, Arthur had been quiet and Merlin had not eaten more than few bites, Merlin went to his room and sat on the edge of his bed to wait. He just wanted it over with. His flow of misery was however ruined by Arthur. It was only seven o'clock so Merlin had prepared himself to wait, but he hadn't wanted to see Arthur. He didn't want to feel nice now, he didn't want to feel better only to feel worse in few hours. He didn't want to remember Arthur was next door down the hall…

"So what was that?" Arthur didn't waste any time asking Merlin. "I was showering…" Merlin didn't have anything else. Arthur sighed. He didn't feel like making fun of Merlins obvious lie. "I know you weren't. Merlin I'm not an idiot." Arthur felt bad. He had thought that he and Merlin had been having a good time and he had hoped that Merlin would trust him now. "I just wanted to be alone for a while." Merlin went to the nearest thing he could tell Arthur without lying too much.

Arthur was quiet for a while before saying "Ok… I'll wont ask you more about it but a word of advice, try being alone at some other time than in dinner time." Merlin just nodded and Arthur was not satisfied. He had obviously not succeeded in making Merlin feel better or being honest with him and he wanted to make Merlin smile. "And also remember to warn me in advance if you 'want to be alone' I rather not knowing anything about it." he tried to at least make Merlin annoyed but Merlin didn't react like he usually did by blushing but instead he frowned and shuddered. Arthur had never seen this reaction and he wasn't sure what he had done so wrong… ok, the joke wasn't nice and he had teased Merlin about Gwen today a lot already so maybe suggesting what he did alone in a dark bathroom went over the board. Arthur stopped his thought for a second 'dark… where did I get dark…' he couldn't remember if Merlin had light on or not so he decided that he must have had light on… Who would lock himself in a dark bathroom anyway?

"Merlin… It was a joke… " Arthur said putting his hand on Merlins shoulder and shaking him a little. Merlin flinched and Arthur dropped his hand. He was now panicking a bit inside. Was something really wrong and he had just made Merlin feel worse? But just as he was about to say sorry Merlin decided to finally reply "… please don't tell me more about the stuff you think that normal people do in their bathrooms…" He felt morally on thin ice. Because if not Uther, maybe he would have been jerking off to an image of Arthur doing stuff that he had done with Arthurs father… He again shuddered. 'I'm disgusting…' He thought.

Arthur didn't notice the second shudder and was pleased that Merlin replied and happily jumped to the joke "Not normal people, you!" Arthur had no idea how much that hurt Merlin. "And I'll have you know that it's your own fault, who locks himself into a bathroom anyway? And why haven't you showered? You smell…." He would have wanted to add something along the line 'worse than his whole team combined' but that was too far from the truth. Actually Merlin smelled mostly earth and somehow… nice? In bit sweaty way… 'What a weird thought…' Arthur dismissed it. "I'll shower before sleeping…" Merlin muttered feeling very conscious of all the sweat and dirt in his skin and clothes. He wanted to move away from Arthur so he wouldn't smell him.

Arthur gave up. He didn't know what else he could do to make Merlin feel better so he just ruffled Merlins hair and told him that he was going let him be now. On his way he stopped and turned to look at Merlin once more "Oh, I tried the book you were reading the other day, I kinda like it… you happen to have more recommendations?" Merlin looked a bit surprised and for a second he had to think what did Arthur mean. After that he tried to find any hints of sarcasm in Arthurs voice, but when he found none he replied "I'll think of something…" Arthur smiled at him briefly and closed the door behind himself.

In his own room Arthur didn't feel anymore like reading. Maybe Merlin just wanted to be alone? He knew he himself wanted sometimes but he was a bit worried… Maybe Merlin was not alright? Maybe he had some issues? Arthur wasn't an expert on those kind of things and he felt at loss. He sat heavily onto his couch and he stared at his ceiling for a while 'Maybe I could ask Lance some more about that anorexia thing… But I can't say it's for Merlin… I would just make people worry for nothing and father would have my head if he knew I let someone outside of the family think that we have problems…' He tried to make up some way of asking without rising suspicious to himself or to Merlin but he couldn't. Of course he could pretend it was for their test or that he was just interested with no reason but if he asked too much it would again be weird. He decided to leave it for monday and his eyes found his bookmarked book again. 'Well, I did ask Merlin for new books…' So he picked it up and soon he was again lost in a land where dragons roam…

After Arthur had left Merlin regretted for being so cold to Arthur. He had been nice to him all day and Merlin had lied to him and… He put his head on his knees to block the room from his vision. He had jerked of on images of Arthur. He had a serious crush on him. He had wanted Arthur. But now… he felt so grateful just being near Arthur, not doing anything perverted, just… talking, sitting with him, playing football with him. It just now sank in how deep he was. He had tried to not feel for Arthur but every time he was close Merlin just couldn't help himself but he sank deeper…

He felt his breathing get quicker and he had to concentrate on breathing trough his nose. 'I have dreamed Arthur doing stuff that Uther have done to me.' 'I have imagined myself doing those things to Arthur' 'I get excited just by sitting with him a cafe' He was dwelling and making himself feel worse. His breath was quicker and his heart was beating fast. 'Will I become like Uther? Or am I already… maybe I really want it like Uther says…' His breathing was calming now and he rose to a sitting position again. Or maybe calming was a wrong word. More like he was getting numb. His heart was still drumming in his ears but he could sit straight now. 'You are a dirty faggot' He heard Uthers words in his head, but he wasn't sure if the opinion was Uthers or his own anymore.

* * *

When Uther came into his room many hours later, Merlin was staring his biology text book blankly. He had been reading it at some point but for last 45 minutes or so he had been checking time and reading some lines over and over again before just moving on staring one picture on a left page. He turned around to finally meet Uthers furious stare. "You think you can hide from me? You think you have the right to make trouble?" He dragged Merlin from his chair to the bed. "You little whore! What were you doing in a bathroom without any light? I bet you enjoyed yourself…" He said with his hand now on Merlins throat. Merlin tried not to push Uther because he knew it would make Uther even more angry but he felt panic. Merlin could breath but Uther was pressing his throat and he felt powerless and anxious, would Uther kill him?

Uther was now opening his belt and Merlin felt his breath hitch. Their position… Uther on top of him… he realised then and there what the future would bring to him. When Uther came to sit on top of his face he actually was relieved. He opened his mouth and closed his eyes automatically and Uther thrusted into his mouth. The force of every thrust came directly onto Merlins face and Uthers balls were hitting his jaw. Uther was pinning Merlins other arm down with his leg. The blood didn't circulate in it anymore and it felt painfully numb. Merlin squeezed his eyes close even tighter and tried to hold the base of Uthers thing in his free hand so Uther wouldn't go so deep into his throat. He soon found a rhythm in pumping his hand at the same time he sucked and he heard Uther pant. He tried not to think, but if he lost the rhythm, his hand would slip and Uther would sit with all of his weight on Merlin and the back of his throat making him gag.

At some point Uther started to rub him and he felt himself get hard. 'I'm sick, there is something wrong with me…' He thought and didn't even care when Uther came in to his mouth. "Shallow it." came a command and Uther took hold of his face. "I know you want to you faggot, do it." Merlin felt tears burn his eyes as he tried to shallow but he couldn't. "Shallow it!" Uther hissed right to his face. The smell of semen and Uthers breath made his head spin and he forcefully shallowed everything in his mouth. He felt it burn his mouth and he felt sick and he knew he was going to throw up soon. The only thing keeping him from vomiting was the adrenalin pumping in his veins caused by Uther who was holding his face still. Uther smirked looking satisfied "Keep your doors open." he whispered into his ear and with a final touch to Merlins still clothed crotch he rose and walked out from Merlins room.

As soon as Merlin heard the door close he made a bee line to his bathroom. He didn't have time to open the toilet seat so he threw up into the sink. He was shaking and he still felt Uthers load running down his throat. He wanted to turn himself upside down and wash it all away. He looked at his reflection in his mirror and saw a hideous sight. He had red dots on his face, his lips were swollen, his forehead was sweaty and worst of all was the look he had in his eyes. He didn't know how to name it but he knew his eyes showed how he felt inside. He saw the darkness he had felt spreading. It had reached his eyes.

Memory of Uther coming and making him shallow made him vomit again. It was more violent than before and Merlin felt some of the vomit go to his nose. He had to cough when he tried to inhale sharply at the feeling. When he couldn't vomit anymore he almost crawled into the shower, throwing his clothes off at the same time. He let the water run so hot it burned not caring that the bathroom door was open. He brushes his teeth while showering and scrubbed his skin until it hurt and used all the shower gel he had left making his bathroom smell like a lair of lemons. He couldn't make himself touch his thing. He couldn't even look at it. He hated it. Why was he so…so… gay? Why was he gay? He hated it. He didn't want any of this. What if he could be straight and he could have a crush on Gwen for example and he wouldn't get hard and Uther wouldn't…

He tried then. He tried to see Gwen like that. He tried to make himself want her. But he couldn't and in the end he also felt like he had betrayed Gwens trust by thinking her naked and stuff…

It was almost midnight when he turned the water off. Without drying he put on a pyjama and threw himself onto his bed. When he turned to his back he suddenly felt flash back of Uther on top of him, looking at him and… Merlin rose up like the memory had hit him. He looked at his bed and he could only hear it creak in rhythm of- He jumped off from his bed. He couldn't sleep here. He looked around and saw his couch. He took his blanket and moved himself to the couch. He laid on his side his back meeting the cushion. He was a bit too long for this sofa so he had to bend his knees a little. He curled into his blanket as his hair had started to cool down and it made him cold. He slowly drifted into a sleep and he dreamed of laying in the field with Arthur next to him, letting him be, maybe sleeping under his jacket...

When Merlin woke up, it was already morning and he felt calmer. Merlin decided that he was never going to sleep in that bed again.


	7. Chapter 7 - Worries

All sunday Merlin found himself uninterested and tired. He really didn't want to eat because his throat hurt besides he didn't want anything in his mouth right now, so he told his mother that he felt a bit sick and stayed most of the day in his room. But when the dinner time arrived, Merlin didn't dare to be late so he made sure to be early by the table and when his mother asked how he was feeling he replied that he was better. He couldn't make her mother worried. The spaghetti they were having felt like worms in his mouth but he managed to eat if he bit it into little pieces.

Half way trough the meal Merlin remembered the invitation to visit Gwens house. "Mother, can I go to Gwens next saturday?" He asked looking directly into his mothers eyes. Hunith was surprised of the sudden question but smiled sweetly at Merlin. "At what time would you want to go?" Merlin was relieved. He knew this tone, he was going to get the permission. "I'll have to ask Gwen, but she asked if I can spent the night."

Hunith raised her eyebrows at that but nodded without comment. "Alright, will Gwen's parents pick you up or does she has a license?" Merlin felt his mood brighten and he was about to answer but then Uther cut in making Merlins heart sink. "And what purpose do you have with this visit?" He asked. "Dear, I think it's alright…" Hunith immediately tried to avoid any further discussion, but Uther didn't seem to let it go. Merlin knew that his mother didn't want to make him uncomfortable by asking his reasons of spend a night with a girl, but he saw that Uther had no problem of making an interrogation in the dinner table.

"We have a lab assignment, farther." Arthur cut in and Merlin immediately focused on him and from the corner of his eye he saw Uther do the same. "Gwen is Merlins lab partner and we are working on an assignment." Arthur continued smoothly. 'Wow he's good... This must be the way Arthur leaves the house all the time.' Merlin realised.

"You are both going?" Urther seemed to soften to the idea. "Yes, my lab partner is useless and I feel I'll do better working with Gwen and Merlin. And we don't have to bother Gwens father, Gwens brother Elyan can drive us." He continued. Merlin felt hope again. He had totally forgoten Arthur had asked if he could come with him. He hadn't asked Gwen yet, but hopefully Gwen wouldn't mind.

Uther turned back to his food and replied seemingly satisfied "Alright, I don't really see why you have to spend the whole night, but I hope you will use the time well." "Yes father." Arthur replied and flashed a quick smile at Merlin. Hunith also smiled and they returned to their eating. Merlin also smiled, even if he tried to conceal it so Uther wouldn't notice how happy he was. He had to thank Arthur for this.

After the meal Hunith asked Merlin to stay a bit. Merlin knew immediately that she wanted to talk to him about something and when she took him to sit into the living room, Merlin felt extremely nervous. "Uther told me that you had locked your door yesterday…" Her mother started looking Merlin straight into his eyes.

Merlin looked down and nodded in shame, but at the same time he felt very much relieved. "Merlin, I want you to promise me you won't do it again. It's not safe. Uther has a reason for this, the doors are very thick and you cannot hear through them. What if something happened to you inside and I couldn't reach you? What if you fell in your bathroom and no-one wouldn't even notice?" The worry was thik in his mothers voice and Merlin _did_ feel bad with her reasoning, but he also found himself thinking that most of the things that happen to him _did_ indeed happen behind his locked door, but there was nothing he could do about that.

"Merlin I want you to promise that you won't lock yourself in anymore, Uther also had been worried…" Merlin had to supres a snort. He had hard time believing Uther had been worried about him, but he couldn't tell that to his mother. "Don't worry, I'll keep it open. I just wanted to shower in peace..." He tried to form a joke about Arthur barging into his room without knocking but he didn't have time to form a sentence before his mother changer the topic.

"This Gwen… do you like her?" "Mom!" Merlin felt his cheeks grow hot. It was embarrassing enough to correct his PE teacher on the matter (who was much closer to his age) but his mother was off the scale. "She is my friend!" He wasn't sure if it was embarrassing or not to admit this to his mother. Hunith laughed at his discomfort which made Merlin frown. "Sorry… just you are in that age and-" She started but Merlin interrupted "No, no, no, no, no! I'm not talking about this with you! I promise it's not like that, so please mom…" He really felt embarrassed now. Hunith smiled at him and let it go but also told Merlin that if he wanted to know anything…

When Merlin was again in his room safe from his mother and sexed talk, he hid his face in his hands 'God that was painful…' He had now a new reason being clad that Arthur was coming with him. Even thought his mother should have been more worried about Arthur than Gwen… this again made Merlins mood darken and he moved to his desk to take his thoughts away from Arthur.

* * *

On monday Merlin asked Gwen if Arthur could come the first thing he saw her. "Of course he can come, I'm clad that you got the permission." she smiled at him. "It was actually Arthur who got us the permission." Merlin felt like he had to give the credit to Arthur. Gwen smiled happily and then said "I was thinking that maybe you would want to go shopping with me first and then we could go home and watch a movie or something? Of course if you don't like shopping we don't have to…" Merlin smiled at Gwens thoughtfulness. He actually needed some new clothes himself, he couldn't keep wearing only two shirts and even if his weight had gone up a notch, he still looked too skinny and he really didn't feel confident in those short sleeved shirts he had anymore.

"Actually I need to go shopping myself." he replied and Gwen beamed at him. "But where do we park Arthur? I'm quite sure that he's not very interested…" Merlin had to ask. He wasn't overly eager for Arthur to see what he tried on while dragging him around a mall and listening his snide comments... "Oh, I thought that Elyan could give us a lift to the mall so maybe he would like to keep Arthur company? I'll ask him today." This seemed like a good idea to Merlin.

"What do you need to buy?" He asked so he could prepare himself and hopefully hear he wouldn't have to go anywhere too embarrassing. "I thought of buying some new dresses or maybe some tunics for school. I really don't have anything pretty…" Gwen replied avoiding Merlins eyes "And since when did you need something pretty?" Merlin asked. One of the things that made Gwen special was that she wasn't constantly fusing over her looks.

Gwen blushed and didn't look Merlin in the eye when she replied "Just wanted to look a bit nice you know…" Merlin felt a light pulp go on in his brain "Oh! I know, you have a crush on someone." He said cheerfully. Gwen elbowed him to his side and said even redder now "shut up Merlin…" she said but not sounding really annoyed. "That's what Arthur tells me all the time." Merlin replied lightly "I know, it's a great phrase." Gwen shot back but calmed down.

"Can you keep a secret, Merlin?" She asked after a moment of silence. She sounded more serious now. "Of course, I wouldn't tell anyone." Merlin felt good that Gwen trusted him, but her tone was slowly making her uncomfortable. "I- Lets find a quieter place…" They took a sharp turn and Gwen led Merlin to an empty study corner. "I wanted to tell someone… I kind of can't stop thinking Lance… " She finally said after she was sure no-one was listening.

Merlin had not waited this. Sure Gwen had commented that Lance was handsome, but he hadn't thought that Gwen would really develop a crush on him. For a moment he felt a bit relieved because he wouldn't have to help Gwen date Arthur, but then his relieve changed into serious concern. He remembered how Lance had looked at Gwen and he didn't like that. At all. He couldn't let anything bad happen to Gwen.

"Lance? He is like a decade older than you and…and…" He hoped Gwen wouldn't get mad at him for not supporting her but he couldn't sound anything else than disgusted. "Actually he's only 22…" Gwen _did_ sound hurt and Merlin felt bad for being so harsh. It wasn't Gwens fault… "But-" He still wasn't ready to let it go, but Gwen interrupted him "I don't think age is such a big thing people make it sound. I have had some crushes before but this is different! I really like him and I can't help it." She said with a certainty in her voice which made Merlin pause on his thought. "And I just want to look a bit nice for him… it's not like I'm going to do something stupid. I- I'm not ready for that kind of relationship… yet." With this last sentence Gwen turned her gaze away and blushed again. "I- you promised not to tell anyone…" She said in a quiet voice and Merlins heart melt.

"Gwen, of course I won't tell anyone… and I'm sorry. I'm just a bit worried I guess- Just be careful. Men can be- I mean don't leave yourself alone with him or anything, he is a man after all…" Gwen seemed to feel better with this and she smiled a bit before saying "Merlin, you are a man and I'm inviting you to sleep into my home… What do you have to say for yourself?" Merlin had to laugh at this and he was clad that the conversation was getting a lighter tone. "I told you, you should be more careful." He said and winked. Gwen kicked him playfully and they both laughed.

When they had to leave because it was time for class, Merlin felt closer to Gwen and he wished he also had a secret he could share with Gwen. Like a crush. Maybe someone on their class, a girl… Merlin decided that he would need to talk to Lance.

* * *

The rest of the day Merlin was a man on a mission. He took every turn he could to get to talk to Lance alone. He couldn't wait until after PE because Uther would be waiting for him after school and PE was the last subject, so he tried to find Lance from corridors, from lunch and finally he stormed to the gym after his class before ended and hoped to find Lance there. The luck seemed to be on his side, Lance was at the gym and he was alone.

"Merlin, you are early today, I hope to see the same performance than at weekend." Lance greeted him with good humour. "I need to talk to you." Merlin had realised that this conversation could be highly awkward but he didn't care. He felt mad at Lance like he had already done something bad to Gwen and he had gotten the whole day to feed that feeling. Lance faltered a bit when he realised Merlins mood. "Would you like to go sit down?" he tried but Merlin didn't really like an idea of going into his gym teachers small, possible one with a lock, cubicle. He wasn't very trusting these days.

"No thank you. I came to talk about Gwen…" This caught Lances interest and he asked with a clearly worried tone "Has something happened? Is she alright?" This made Merlin rise his eyebrows, he had not been expecting this reaction. "…No… everything alright." Merlin replied slowly 'At least for now' he added in his mind. Lance relaxed at Merlins reply, but there was something in his expression that Merlin couldn't read and thus worried him. "You like her don't you?" He asked bluntly while keeping a close look to Lances face.

The change in Lance was immediate. He blushed and the look in his eyes deepened so much that now Merlin could recognised it. It was shame. Lance took a deep breath and said "I hoped no-one would notice, but I guess I'm not very good with pretending." Merlin felt his anger rise again, this man had actually admitted having a hots for a girl 6 years younger than he was! "You will stay away from Gwen! What is wrong with you, how can you even be a teacher?!" He stopped for a while to breath and see if Lance would have anything to say for himself, he had been mean on purpose. But Lance just hung his head and looked miserable.

"I promise if anything happens to Gwen, I'll make everyone know." Merlin continued with a low voice. He wasn't sure why he didn't want to march to headmasters office right now, but… "What do you even want from Gwen? She's not old enough for you- you… are you some kind of pedophile?" With this Lance seemed to finally look at him. "Let's continue this in my office." He said. "No." Merlin was not going to move to any less escapable place. "Please." There was something in Lances voice that made it impossible for Merlin to say no again. It was desperate and he knew that feeling alongside with shame in Lances eyes too well… Merlin started to feel that he had no right to judge Lance.

He nodded slowly and allowed Lance to lead him into his small office near the locker rooms. Still, when Lance sat down behind his desk, Merlin just stood besides the door and wouldn't step inside. Lance made no comment on this, but instead looked at Merlins eyes with a sincerity in his eyes. "Merlin, I'm clad that you are taking care of your friend-" "Sure you are…" Merlin couldn't help but interrupt. "…but I want you to know, that I was sure that Gwen was older sister of Elyan and at least 18…" He continued and Merlin made a noise that indicated that he did not believe him. "I also assure you, that I have no intention of forcing myself on Gwen nor harming her in anyway." Merlin still didn't look convinced, but he had hard time not believing that Lance was telling the truth. Of course what he meant now and what he did tomorrow were two completely different things.

"…Really. What if Gwen wanted to … talk to you and you would be alone or something?" Merlins voice was skeptical. He wanted to say that what if Gwen liked Lance would he still not do anything, but he couldn't tell him Gwens secret. "Yes. Merlin, I'm an adult and as an adult I have the responsibility to protect anyone underaged from doing anything they could regret in the future. Even when it goes against my personal believes or interests." Lance said in a calm voice and Merlin found no lie in it. Could he really trust Lance? 'No, not yet' he thought.

"So do you still like her?" He asked. He was now calm again but in no way satisfied. "…yes. I- I tried to lose interest when I realised that she is only 16 but… I'm sorry. Maybe this does make me a pervert as you said, but I want nothing more than her to be happy. If it would make you feel more at ease, I could resign. As you said I may not be suitable to be a teacher."

Merlin was set back with this. He wasn't sure how to react. Lance was practically telling him that _he_ had the power to get rid of him. But that didn't feel right to Merlin. He looked at his feet and tried to make something of this. "…if you promise, that you wont do anything…" He finally said. "If something happens…" he continued with harder tone. Merlin wasn't sure if he should repeat the already told threat so he just let it hang so Lance would remember he was keeping an eye on him. Lance smiled and Merlin remembered suddenly that he had liked Lance before. He was a good teacher and a warm personality. "Thank you Merlin. I'm sorry to put you in this awkward position and I'll give you my word, that I will not overstep my position as a teacher."

Right then the bell rang and Merlins class mates started to make their way to the gym. One of the first was Arthur who jogged to Lances office when he saw Merlin. "Merlin! What are you still hanging about?" before Merlin had any time to answer, Lance answered for him "I was just writing some extra credit for Merlin for his excellent play on saturday. I'm sorry I kept you so long, you can go to change now." He said the last part to Merlin who just nodded and moved slowly towards the locker rooms.

Trough closed door he heard Lance starting the class with warm ups and interactions for basket ball. Merlin grimaced. He didn't like basket ball either. It was all the games with a ball in them. There was just something Merlin had never understood in them. But basketball was still better than somethings. He shuddered as he remembered that back in his home village their teacher had been especially fond of wrestling… Merlin shuddered at the thought. He seriously couldn't do that now.

After he had changed, he reluctantly went to the gym and hoped there would be more playing and less those awkward technique practices.

* * *

When the class was over, Arthur volunteered to clean so he could talk with Lance alone. Merlin had been eating normally most of the weekend and apart from being sick on sunday and that weird … what ever that was… on saturday he had seemed normal. Well, as normal as Merlin could be, but he still wanted to talk with Lance to have some peace of mind.

"Do you have something you want to talk with me, Arthur?" Lance asked when Arthur had been standing in front of him for about a minute without saying anything. "Yes… I was just wondering, when you told about eating disorders… well, could you tell me something more about them?" He was not sure if that came out sounding how, but Lance didn't seem to mind and just asked "Any of those in particularly or generally?" "Mm, could you tell me more about anorexia?" Arthur asked.

Lance didn't even blink, which Arthur was grateful of, before answering "Yes, well anorexia nervosa is usually associated to be girls disease, but recently more and more boys are getting sick too. Most commonly an anorectic person tries to get unhealthily thin by eating too little and avoiding anything greasy and calories in general. They also typically exercise a lot to get thin faster. To some of anorectics it's not so much on being thin, but being perfect. They study or practice sports fanatically and feel that they are never enough. They also often feel too fat and they are very scared of getting more weight. Is this enough or would you like to ask something else?" Lance said sounding very much like a teacher. "Does an anorectic person usually hide it very well?" Arthur asked "Mostly yes. They don't mostly think themselves as sick and usually even the family might notice only when the weight has already gone dangerously low." Lance answered calmly. Arthur shuddered at that thinking Merlins thin form. "Anyone you are worried of?" Lance asked Arthur seeming worried himself now. "No, no, just curious…" He said but couldn't look Lance in the eyes.

"Well, in that case, If you have anything else to ask, you can ask me or the school nurse or there are some sites in the internet you could find interesting… " Lance said. "Could you tell me how a typical anorectic person is like?" Arthur wanted to know. He was quite sure that he would get the best answer from Lance.

"Well, I cannot say typical… I'm not a doctor, but in my old basketball team I used to play, there was a boy who started to practice very seriously. At first everyone thought he was amazing because he was training so hard and he was very good because of that. But at some point we started to notice that he didn't eat much at lunch, he always had his own lunch which could just have been an apple. And in about half a year he had become so thin, that he had hard time keeping up with us. Soon he was put into a hospital and we learned that he had taken too much laxatives to get rid of what ever he had eaten. His parents were in shock…" Lance sounded like it had made a huge impact on him and Arthur understood why he had told about it so seriously.

After Arthur had thanked Lance, they took all the football equipments out and soon enough they were ready, the other team mates started to get inside. Arthur was now a bit calmer. He would ask some questions from Merlin, but for the most part Merlin didn't fit the bill after all. He didn't seem to hate high calorie foods, in fact he seemed to jump into any change to get chocolate and the amount of oil he used in his salad… Also he didn't work out and he didn't seem to care that much about grades than actual learning.

Arthur clapped his hands to start warm up. He would talk to Merlin when he got home.

* * *

When Arthur got home, Merlin was in his room, lying on his couch and reading. No surprises there. He asked if Merlin had asked Gwen abut saturday and Merlin told him that Gwen would ask her dad. "Gwen and I will go shopping." He told Arthur with a grin and Arthurs reaction didn't disappoint him. "Shopping?! You really are a girl Merlin!" "I assure you, even boys do need clothes. And even if you only wear one kind of outfit, it doesn't mean that the rest of us want to do that." Merlin replied with a grin. "Says you! How many weeks have you been using these two shirts now?" Arthur shot back waving his hand on the general direction of Merlins chest. Merlin was a bit surprised that Arthur had noticed and he blushed sightly at that. "Well, that's why I need some new ones, don't I?" He crossed his arms on his chest and Arthur who was sitting on the edge of his bed laughed. "Well, I'm still not going to follow you girls to stores, any idea what I could do while you find yourself a nice dress?" He asked amused.

"Prat… Elyan will probably give us a ride so you can go to do something manly with him." Merlin replied indicating that something manly equaled something stupid. "Sounds better. And afterwards we will go to their house… I'm sure Gwens dad says yes, I have been at Elyans before." Arthur answered not biting Merlins taunt, he was waiting his chance to call Merlin fat and see how he reacted, but his thoughts were interrupted when Merlin asked "How do you get your father to let you do stuff so easily?" Arthur had not seen that coming.

"Well, I have been living with him all my life… I have just learned to say what he wants to hear… I guess." He told Merlin after a bit of thinking. He couldn't agree to the 'easy' part, but he certainly knew what Merlin meant. "Thank you for helping me out." Arthur felt a bit surprised at Merlins sudden thank you, but felt also a bit of admiring as he himself always remembered these things too late 'I wish I had thanked you every time you helped me out…' he thought but just rose to ruffle Merlins hair and turned to leave. Merlin made a funny sound and looked flustered. Arthur smiled a little before saying "anytime" and leaving Merlin once again to study.

Arthur liked to touch merlins hair. He found it hilarious how Merlin got so embarrassed every time he ruffled his hair but he also liked the feel of it. He thought it would be nice to touch them more but dismissed the idea quickly. That would be weird.

He hadn't had any change to make Merlin tell him how he felt about his body or if he tried to be perfect at school, but he hoped he would have a change later. Maybe at the mall. He grinned to himself. That would be fun. It was a long time that he had gone to the mall himself and with Merlin shopping with Gwen for new outfits… that was going to be priceless.

* * *

The next morning Arthur rode to school with Merlin and his father. (It was raining cats and dogs) He noticed that Merlin was looking a bit under the weather. His mother had again left for her day shift and wouldn't be back for two days. Maybe Merlin missed his mother? It was possible. Even thought they had been a 'family' for over a year now, they really didn't have that feel… Maybe his father felt that he had gotten a wife, maybe Merlins mother felt she had gotten a husband or even a second son? Arthur didn't know.

For himself, Arthur didn't think Hunith as his mother nor Merlin as his brother. It wasn't that he didn't like Hunith… she was nice, but just not a mother. His mother had died when he was born so he didn't know her nor did he know what to miss. Of course he had wanted a mother when he was younger and Uther wasn't exactly a nurturing type. Maybe Merlin felt the same? He had been used to the warmth and when Hunith left, her warmth left with her. 'Maybe if I could be more of a brother to him?' he thought but couldn't really change anything. He was happy that he got to know Merlin but, he was different… He felt equality. Stronger than with anyone. How could he change anything without destroying that?

Merlin felt depressed. Today was going to be a dull day. They only had subjects that he wasn't practically interested in and his mother was going to be away for two nights. Also, the weather was horrible and he was hungry. And he didn't want to eat. Normally he had been anxious these days that his mother left but now he was numb. He didn't find joy in things he normally did and he felt tired about everything, but not scared. 'Maybe I'm used to it now?' He thought and closed his eyes. He wasn't so tired physically than mentally but he thought he could at least pretend to be asleep for the next ten minutes.

The school day was uneventful. Merlin went to his classes he already knew most of by heart. He forced himself to eat some bland fish with white sauce while counting the calories to keep him occupied and talked to Gwen who told him Arthur could also come and Elyan would drive with her to pick them up and then they would go to the mall. Arthur would sleep in Elyans room and Merlin in Gwens. "I have no idea what you have done to my brother, but he actually convinced my dad that you were a good guy and that you could sleep in my room. He didn't even tease me afterwards!" that made Merlin smile a little but that was the high point of his day.

When the school ended, Merlin walked in autopilot to Uthers car and just let the scenery pass his eyes while Uther felt him up on the way home.

* * *

Arthurs practice had been rough. They had started the outdoor practices last week and the field today had been … muddy at least if Arthurs appearance was anything one could deduct something. So Arthur had gone to sleep right after dinner. Merlin had been waiting Uther to come early because of that but he was still surprised when he came as early as eight o'clock. Merlin had just been studying next years history book he had borrowed from library when he heard his doors lock click. He felt cold sweat in his forehead and his mouth dry. 'Maybe I'm still not used to this after all…'

Uther came to hug him from behind. Merlin was not used to so gentle gestures and for a while he didn't know what to feel. "Lets go to the bed shall we?" Uther gently led Merlin to sit on the mattress. Merlin could just stare. He didn't know what was happening. Had he done something right? Was Uther pleased with him? What?

"We shall try something new today, something I'm sure you will enjoy, if you just behave." Uther kept speaking gently into his ear but the words itself made Merlin afraid. Uther moved to open Merlins trousers and he put his hand into his boxers. "Such a naughty boy you are…" Uther continued stroking Merlin for a while and Merlin felt himself again grow hard. He bit the inside of his mouth hard and dug his finger nails into his palms but he still felt his erection grow. He hated himself so much.

"Take off your trousers." Merlin knew he would just make things worse so he stood up and let his pants drop on the floor. He kept his gaze down, feeling shame built inside of him. He saw his erected penis and he hated it and he hated himself. Why, why he was like this…? He asked from himself what felt like a thousandth time while Uthers phone camera made shutter sound few times. Merlin closed his eyes and wished that he was somewhere far away.

Suddenly Uther warped his arms around Merlin and pulled him to sit on his lap, back against Uther. Uther had opened his own pants and Merlin felt his hard staff against his ass, rubbing against it while Uthers hand pumped his up and down. It was not a comfortable position. He wasn't fully sitting on Uthers lap becasuse even if he knew he couldn't struggle, Merlin tried to edge as far away from Uther as possible. Soon he had lots of pressure on his legs and his legs were weak. As his legs started to hurt he also felt his erection settle which made Merlin like the pain in his legs a bit. But when Uther didn't get any more reaction from Merlins dick, he moved to another places.

Merlin panicked when he heard a tube cap opening. It couldn't be what he thought it would be, please no… But very soon he felt cold, slick fingers cares his bottom and moving to his ass hole. "No! Please no…" Merlin wasn't even sure if he had said it out loud but maybe he had because Uther stopped just for a second, but soon he flipped Merlin around to his bed his face onto the matters his ass in a very embarrassing position, sticking up.

Merlin tried to struggle away from the position but he soon froze when Uther stuck something near his face. Merlin felt his heart stop when he realised what he was looking at. It was himself Uthers dick in his mouth. He had his eyes closed and he was sucking an enormous looking cock. Uther slide his thumb across the screen and next there was Merlin looking at the camera face full of cum. Another slide and there was Merlin eyes tightly shut a penis and balls laid across his face. Uther didn't say anything. He didn't have to.

Merlin stopped all of his movements and let Uther again lift his ass up. 'I'm not here. I'm not here! _I'm not here!_ ' Merlin repeated in his head as loudly as he could. Still he could feel Uthers slick fingers circle his entrance, taking his time, and finally sticking his finger in. It hurt. Merlin tried his best to scream only inside of his head but still a whimper escaped. Uther started to move his finger and too soon there was another. Too soon.

Merlin felt tears in his eyes but no more sound came from him. The whole procedure felt wrong and disturbing and surreal, why was his stepfathers finger going in and out to his ass hole? But above all, it was painful. Merlin had put his own fingers in himself before but even that had needed much time and slow movements to feel good. And this, this was agony. He was sure something was going to brake. He was going to bleed or something was going to brake. When Uther removed his fingers Merlin let go his breath and he panted like a person who was drowning. He felt like he was drowning.

He heard the cap open again and he suddenly felt cold. 'No…' was the only word he could think of. "No… No. No!" found himself whimpering louder and louder until he yelled. He was now shaking all over. Uther just lifted his ass up and squeezed his neck with other against his bed which made Merlins breathing hitch and his yelling stop. "Now listen you little whore. This weekend, I want you to study and to behave. You might think that you are getting somewhere by lying to yourself, but don't lead that poor girl on… you are dirty and you are a faggot." He spat the last word out and Merlin could just hold his breath and will it all was over when Uther started to slide into him.

Merlin was sure he would die. It hurt so much… He saw white dots in his vision and he couldn't get enough air into his lungs. Uther thrusted into him faster and faster finally letting go of Merlins neck to take him by his hips with both hands. Merlin buried his face into his pillow and covered his ears with his glenched fists to shield himself from the sound of his bed creaking. Still he heard Uthers camera go several times but he didn't look up.

When Uther finally came after what seemed like forever to Merlin, Uther pulled himself out and even that hurt. "What a dirty insides you have…" were Uthers last words before Merlin heard him close his zipper and the bed creak one last time. Merlin felt something coming out from his behind and he smelled Uthers smell. Soon he heard the door lock click and then the door open and close. He was alone. He tried to move but it hurt. His hands were cramping and it was hard to even open his fists and move his fingers let alone push himself up. His back hurt and neck too, but the worst was the unnatural sting in between his legs. And there was all that stuff leaking from him…

Finally he took his pillowcase off and put it in between his legs just to get to his bathroom without making a mess to his sheets. In the bathroom he threw the pillowcase into the washing basket without looking and then he showered. His skin was weaker and dryer these days so when he scrubbed his skin, he felt some of it get screeched and he saw some small bleedings here and there. He just scrubbed them harder because he was so disgusted with himself.

Even thought every part of his body hurt and he was dead tired, he couldn't go to sleep. He couldn't calm himself down and he dully noted that he wasn't a virgin anymore.

This was something he knew most of the students in his school found highly interesting, who was virgin and who wasn't. When and where someone would or did lose their virginity and with who.

'In my own bed with my step father.' Merlin almost laughed, it felt so absurd, like something like this could really happen… but mostly he just felt vulnerable and ashamed. He felt his mood change from hysterical to scared and ashamed every other minute like he was riding an endless roller coaster. He couldn't stop or get off. He couldn't understand why people wanted to have sex at all, it was horrible.

In the end he was lying on his couch crying and laughing in turns until he fell asleep. When he woke up in the morning he felt like a hammer had hit him in the head and then shown itself into his behind. He saw bruises forming on the back of his neck and on his waist and hips. He was clad that he didn't have PE today and that his shirt covered his neck.

On the way school he slept all the way and Arthur (who was coming with them again because of the same rain continued) had to half carry half drag him out of the schools parking lot before Merlin felt awake enough to push Arthur away. He didn't want Arthur to touch anything as dirty as he was. Being in school made him calm down. He started to feel like he was a different person in there. He had finally fully separated a part of himself that didn't belong to Uther. Here he was safe, for now.


	8. Chapter 8 - A sleep over

Rest of the school week held very little meaning to Merlin. He went to his classes and Uther didn't come to his room. He touched Merlin every time they rode from school to home, but Merlin had learned to lock it out of his school self. His Mother had also been home so Merlin felt safer. He had learned some patterns in Uthers behaviour. He wouldn't come to Merlins room nearly never if Hunith was home. He wouldn't touch Merlin on the way to school, only on the way back home. He would only come to his room after Arthur had been asleep at least an hour.

When saturday came and Hunith left again, Uther squeezed Merlins ass when Arthur was in the garden after breakfast and reminded him of 'good manners' he was supposed to have at Gwens house.

Three o'clock, when they were supposed to leave to meat Gwen and Elyan at the corner of the next road (where it was easier to turn) couldn't have come too soon for Merlin. He had finished packing two hours ago and was now sitting in the living room waiting for three o'clock. "I can't take this anymore…" He heard Arthur mutter from behind him at half past two. "Lets go, we can be a bit early." Arthur said to him and took Merlins bag. Merlin followed him like a puppy.

After telling something to his father, Arthur motioned Merlin to follow him and they left. Arthur first called a cab to pick them up from the same street corner where Elyan had been supposed to pick them up and then to Elyan that they would meet them at the mall. Arthur couldn't help but smile how happy Merlin seemed to be outside of the house. Not that he hadn't been waiting this day either, but Merlins joy was so pure it was contagious.

The cab left them nearby the entrance and soon they were wandering around commenting some stores and Arthur realised that while it had annoyed him when Merlin had first moved here, now seeing Merlin so happy about every small thing (like big stores, restaurants and people in general) made Arthur appreciate more what he got and had been used to have all his life. It was interesting really how Merlin managed to do that.

After a while Merlin saw one of those italian ice-cream shops and they decided to eat some ice-cream while waiting. Merlin ordered chocolate with caramel sauce and Arthur got strawberry. "Be careful, you'll get fat if you keep eating like that." Arthur commented playfully as he saw his change to observe Merlins reaction to being called fat.

Merlin looked him like he was the stupidest creature to roam on earth which made Arthur feel a bit self conscious. "I would worry more about you… is that an extra kilo I see hanging on your waist?" Arthur frowned at that but was secretly happy that Merlin didn't seem to think himself fat and kept ordering stuff like ice-cream and chocolate in his presence.

"I'm well fit! And I was talking about you." He still wanted to make sure one more time. "I could eat Mount Doom full of chocolate and still be lighter than you. And speaking of which, I'm going to taste your ice-cream." That said Merlin took a spoonful of Arthurs strawberry ice-cream. He enjoyed the taste, this luxury ice-cream was not something one could find from his home village.

When Arthur moved towards his portion, Merlin moved it from his reach "Hey! It's only fair that I'll get some of yours too." Arthur whined and leaned towards Merlin trying to reach his plastic cup which Merlin was keeping at his arms length. Arthur noted happily how close Merlin was sitting to him. It was probably because they were in a long bench with some other people sitting nearby in both directions, but still Arthur was happy to notice that Merlin chose to sit closer to him rather that half way of him and some random strangers.

Merlin blushed at the sudden closeness. He liked it very much, but then he felt a ghost of Uthers body pressing against his. He had to push Arthur away and because he was looking more serious Arthur backed away unsure of what he had done wrong. Merlin had to do something about that. "You said you are fit…" he said with serious tone "Yes I am!" Arthur replied in kind "and we want to keep it that way." Merlin continued with straight face.

"Merlin you little…" Arthur said annoyed and ruffled Merlins hair with a bit more force than necessary. Merlin blushed again but the contact didn't feel bad now. He realised that Arthur was the only one who had ever done that to him. He wanted to lean into Arthurs touch and he had to concentrate very hard on eating his ice-cream so he wouldn't lean to Arthurs shoulder, which was so close that he could feel it's radiating heat. Merlin also noted that Arthur was much closer to him that he had been when Merlin sat down. He had probably stayed there after he had tried to take Merlins ice-cream without thinking anything of it. It felt rude to move away, so Merlin stayed put even if he felt his want slowly transform into self loath. But the silence was now comfortable and Merlin found some comfort that he had managed to save the situation from turning awkward.

"There you are!" Merlin lifted his gaze to see Gwen waving at him from few meters away. "So, ready for shopping Merlin?" She said cheerfully when she and Elyan reached them. "I wouldn't be if I were you, she can be a demon in a lingerie department." Elyan clearly had gotten over his be-nice-to-Gwen phase. "Of course I'm not going to buy lingeries with Merlin!" She told Elyan, maybe with a bit loud voice because Merlin saw people nearby turn their heads. "I'm sure there is a story to that…" Arthur commented to Merlin in a low voice while Gwen and Elyan continued to bicker. "I can get it out from Elyan and I'll tell you later." Arthur said with the same low voice earning a grin from Merlin.

When they finally calmed down enough to arrange a time and place to meet up and eat something, Merlin and Arthur had already finished their ice-creams long ago. After that Gwen took Merlin to the direction of clothes stores and Arthur left with Elyan to check out some games and sport stores. "So, what exactly you have in mind?" Merlin asked from Gwen. "Well… I'm not really too sure… something to wear in school, obviously, so nothing too fancy." she replied blushing a bit. Merlin had almost forgotten Lance, but he had quite a mixed feelings about him now. In a way he felt a darker possibilities looming on the horizon now that he knew what adults could really do.

Merlin forcefully shook this from his mind because he felt a painful squeeze in his heart. 'Lance is a good guy… he told me that he wouldn't do anything like that…' He tried to reassure himself. "You still find it disturbing, don't you." Gwen said in a sad voice that made Merlin snap back to the reality. Still he had to think for a moment, what was Gwen talking about…"No, no. It's just… I'm a bit worried… But you said you will be careful?" He said when he finally caught on. "It really is not so serious, you know. I just want to look a bit nice and talk to him a bit… It's not like he could ever have interest in me, I'm just a child…"

Merlin could hear from her tone how disappointed she was. It hurt Merlin to hear his friend so down so he tried to forget everything else for a second and focus on empathising how Gwen felt. He had not much to go by so he tried to think how much similarities there were in his case of crush on Arthur. He couldn't rid himself from quilt and wasn't sure if that was a part of the feeling or just because Arthur was supposed to be his step brother… But still he felt the strong longing and the need to seem funny or intelligent or good looking …well in his case it was more like not hideous looking, but anyway, even if he knew he had no change.

Even so, most of the desperate feelings didn't come from the thought that it was impossible, but from the fact that his feelings were wrong. That he couldn't tell about them to even his closest friends because they would just tell him what he already knew. Gwen had said 'disturbed', it would be more like 'horrified' in Merlins case if he ever decided to tell anyone, but he understood the feeling now. The one that made heart sank so low it was hard to tell if it would ever come back to its original place. The feeling that he himself was wrong and unwanted by the society he lived in. 'In a way this is something me and Gwen have in common' he thought. Both had some-one they wanted but couldn't have because of rules of society. Of course Merlin was way more deeper and so immoral that he couldn't really compare, but Gwen too… If she and Lance went out, there would be a ton of problems even if it somehow worked out.

"You have been quiet for a long time now…" Gwen said sounding worried like Merlin could at any given time abandon her into this … women's clothing store they apparently were now. Merlin had no idea how they had gotten there. "Sorry. Gwen I understand, I'll support you. What ever happens remember, I'm here and I won't judge you and I will look after you." He said this because he had to get Gwen some peace of mind. He couldn't have any himself, but Gwen was his friend. He had to try, even if he didn't know how much help he could be.

Gwens face lit like a candle and she hugged Merlin strongly. "Thank you Merlin, you are the best friend I could ever have…" At first Merlin had to keep himself from pushing Gwen away but soon he relaxed. Gwen was soft and warm and smelled like her jacket had smelled. He realised how much he had needed just a warm hug when Gwen pulled off.

"So you don't mind if I tell you silly girly details from now on?" Gwen asked him when they had been quiet for a while just flipping clothes to find something for Gwen. "It's easier for me to keep eye on you so, please. Just no fantasies. I don't want to hear fantasies about my gym teacher." Merlin replied much more lighter tone than he felt. Gwen punched him at his elbow for that.

Merlin chuckled at her. Teasing Gwen was fun and Merlin suddenly remembered some good material for that. "So you told me that you have had some other crushes, care to share?" Gwen almost dropped what was in her hand. "Like I would tell… I'm never going to tell you anything anymore." He mumbled but Merlin knew she didn't mean it. "Come on… you know I wont tell anyone. At least not to many..." He continued teasing and Gwen shot him a murderous look but also relaxed. She trusted Merlin.

"Ok, if I tell you some, will you leave me alone?" she asked seemingly embarrassed. Merlin grinned and nodded. Gwen sighed and told him about her middle-school crush who was her dance partner in spring festival "He hated me and I tried to follow him everywhere telling I wanted to practice more…" and about her crush for some of the friends Elyan brought home sometimes "I never had even courage to even talk to them…" And finally to more resent things "This, you will swear on your life that you will not tell anyone, are we clear?" Merlin nodded. They were having a good time and what ever it would be he wouldn't tell. "Well, for a while… I just, well... Ok, it's Arthur."

Merlin was quiet for a moment. So he had been right, in a way, he had been worried a bit that Gwen would have a crush on Arthur. The past tense however made him relax enough to say "I knew it. So that's why you hung out with me, you wanted to get closer to Arthur! I knew there was a reason." He said in a mock realisation. Gwen pushed him with one extremely pink dress which happened to be in her hand. "You are worse today than my brother!" but she was also laughing. "And for the record I was friends with you first and besides… Ok, just don't think of it too much… I might have had a little, tiny, crush on you at one point…" Gwen glanced at Merlin to see his reaction.

Merlin was very surprised. He wasn't sure if he should be happy or not. He at least was happy that Gwen didn't have crush on him anymore because that would soon make things complicated. After quick thought to it, he decided to be flattered and just plain happy that someone could look at him like that. "Thanks, I guess… I never really thought that any girl would like me…" 'or boy' he sighed in his head. Gwen smiled at him "You have your own charm but right now, I would rather have you as a friend. You are too good to lose." This made Merlin smile widely. That was definitely a good thing. What had he done to deserve a friend like Gwen?

They then looked some dresses for a while and they found some nice tunics and one dress Gwen could try on. "I hope you don't find this boring… we'll go to see the mens department next." Gwen promised when she disappeared to the changing rooms. Actually Merlin didn't mind. He had fun, being with Gwen and actually women's department was more interesting compared to mens department. Sure in the later one he had an interest of choosing himself some clothes, but women's department had so much more variation it was fun to see what there was this time.

While he was waiting for Gwen to change he had time to think about Gwen and Lance some more. He thought if it was possible at all, should he try to help them? Could Lance be trusted? They both had feelings but how different they were? Gwens was a crush but what was Lances? Also a crush? Lust? Did he like Gwen because Gwen was young or like he said, Gwen doesn't seem so young… 'I was sure she was eighteen…' Merlin remembered Lance telling him. And well, 18 and 22 years olds dating… that wasn't sounding so bad. Even if the age difference was just about two years smaller. Gwen wasn't in Lances class and if he really only knew that she was Elyans sister… If he hadn't seen her by chance in school before, that was believable, from the two of them Gwen really did seem older…

"Merlin, what do you think?" Gwen was out and she now had one of the tunics Merlin had found. It was light purple with some cream coloured lace making an empire cut. It looked nice on Gwen who had been sceptic if violet was her colour. "You look nice." He commented. Gwen smiled at him but wasn't satisfied "Does this make me look too childish?" "Well, it doesn't make you seem older… but lets see the rest first." Merlin tried to analyse. Gwen beamed "I need to shop with you more often." and then she disappeared again and Merlin continued his thinking.

When had Lace realised that Gwen wasn't eighteen? And why hadn't he given up at that point? Could he really … love Gwen? So that the age didn't matter? With that, Merlin had a completely new thought. There is a difference between love and sex… Uther certainly didn't love him but he still… Merlin again forced that thought away. He had to breath a couple of times before he could continue his thought. He didn't have sex with Arthur but he certainly loved him… He loved him. He wasn't someone like Uther. He didn't have to have sex with Arthur, he wouldn't make him do anything like… like that. Maybe he could just love Arthur for all of his life and never hurt him by being homo. He could hide it, couldn't he? Like Lance said he wouldn't do anything… Merlin loved Arthur. He felt these words fit in his mind perfectly. Now he just had to banish all the dirty want and lust from his mind. Maybe he could learn to love Arthur like a brother should?

"How about this?" Gwen was again in front of him now wearing a light brown woollen dress knitted with white patterns reaching a bit under her knee. "I like that. That would be perfect for the winter though… You have any brown flower you could put in your hair?" Merlin used every ounce of his fashion sense for commenting Gwen who seemed to appreciate it. "No... but I have some small white roses." She mused. "I think this one would be great. Is it expensive?" was Merlins honest opinion.

Gwen looked at the price tag hanging on her side and her eyes widened a bit. "Yes… It's about all the money I have saved from my birthday…" Merlin knew that Gwens family wasn't very well off. Their mother had died when Gwen had been young and their father had wanted to give them a good education and most of their money went to the tuitions along with the money Gwens mother had left them. That was also the reason why Gwen had decided that she wouldn't drive a license for herself, Elyan had saved for his own and he took them to school so Gwen didn't need it that much. For Merlin that was easy to understand, he and his mother had gotten much less.

"What is that red mark on it?" He asked as he spotted something on the price tag. "Oh! It's in discount, it's 30% off…" She still seemed to think so Merlin said "Lets make a deal, I'll pay half of it as an early birthday present and you will bake me something when we get to your place." He had barely touched the money he got from Uther his last birthday and what he had gathered from Arthur, the money would increase now and then, but he didn't want to just pay things for Gwen. He himself would have felt uncomfortable with charity.

Gwens eyes lit "Really? Oh, I'll bake you anything you want!" She danced back to the fitting room and after two more tunics they went to the cashier and bought only the dress. After that they went to find something for Merlin. They had good time. Gwen would find something hideous and they would laugh and Merlin would joke about how all the men were expected to enjoy black, gray and blue. Finally Gwen found some green and purple long sleeved shirts with no text like 'surfing in Costa Rica -78' or something along that line. Seriously what is up with mens clothing… The fabric was nice and after three stores full of gray and black, Merlin liked the colours. He bought one dark green and one purple shirt and they continued to see if he could find a college to go with them.

After two more stores they were finally happy. Gwen had one shirt, one tunic and one dress and Merlin had three new shirts and a warm brown college. They had also found some hair accessory to mach Gwens new shirt. Merlin felt a bit tired, it wasn't easy to shop like this with a girl. He felt like he had used all of his vocabulary, twice. When they arrived at the front of a restaurant that sold hamburgers, salads, pizza and pasta, they had agreed meeting, Arthur and Elyan were nowhere to be seen.

"Hold this one for me will you?" Gwen asked before giving her new dress to Merlin as she was trying to fold all her new stuff into one plastic bag. Merlin opened the dress and put it at his arms length to see it better. The pattern really was nice. 'Lance is an idiot if doesn't notice Gwen in this…' He found himself thinking. Also he was glad because it was in no way sexy, but stylish. "That suits you Merlin." Merlin looked up just to see Arthur grinning like a mad man in front of him.

It took one very confused second for Merlin to look down on the dress and back at Arthur. "Oh no, it's not for me." Merlin knew immediately that he should have joked or laughed or anything else than try to deny it. Arthur laughed at him and Elyan commented "Well at least it suits you better that it would suit this thing here." pointing at Gwen with his thump which earned him a hit from Gwens full shopping back. This made Arthur laugh even harder.

* * *

The restaurant was nice. Merlin ate well and he was quite sure that he was succeeding in getting weight. He also noted dully that he hadn't vomited in a week now. He never would have thought that he would be rather vomiting Uthers load from his throat that something else in the world, but what had he known.

When they left the restaurant, everyone was so full that it felt like miracle they all could walk to Elyans car. Even Arthur who usually ate a lot. Merlin and Gwen agreed that it would be better if Gwen baked some other day if they didn't want to spent the night by collecting pieces of blown up Merlin. They drove mostly complaining how stuffed they were, Merlin sitting in the back with Arthur. Merlin felt tired now that he was so full and after all the shopping he wanted nothing more that to lean to Arthurs side and close his eyes for a moment.

Merlin leaned to the cool window and edged himself as far away from Arthur as possible. He kept his hands on his lap and he tried to stay awake. It wasn't a long ride and after they had parked on a side of the street Gwen and Elyan lived, Merlin found himself waking up in the cool night air.

The house was nice. Merlin found comfort of it's modest size and it felt homy. He felt a nostalgia to his old home back in the country side. He really wished he could go back there and forget about Uther and himself, but here he also had so much he wasn't ready to give up. 'I really am a selfish person…' he thought a bit depressed.

They watched a movie and ate some popcorn and goofed around in the living room when Gwens dad came home. "I see you are having a good time here…" Merlin who had sat on the corner of the sofa, his legs up so no one could sit too close to him jumped with fright. When he turned, he saw a robust black man right behind him and his first reaction was fear. "Hi dad, we are going to sleep soon…" Gwen said to him still giggling for something Arthur had just said about the movie. "It's alright, just finish the movie and remember to clean up, I'm going to sleep after I eat something. Have fun!" with that he left to the direction of kitchen.

Merlins heart was beating fast. He really didn't feel good about sleeping in the same house with a man who he didn't know. He tried to calm himself down by thinking that he would be sleeping with Gwen and calculating different routes out from the house. He also remembered that the doors here probably weren't as thick as they were in Uthers house. He would have to check if they could be locked…

Elyan turned the volume down a bit because his father had worked a long sift and probably wanted to sleep soon. This made Merlin a bit happier. Not just the fact that the man he didn't know would be tired and go to sleep soon, but the way Elyan wanted to be considerate spoke volumes of what kind of a man he was.

When the movie ended, they started to search for extra mattresses for Merlin and Arthur. When they had their beds ready they retired to their rooms. Merlin changed his clothes in bathroom while Gwen changed hers in her room. Merlin was happy to see that there was no lock in Gwens door and he relaxed. He knocked to make sure Gwen was ready and when he heard Gwen tell him to come in, he went straight to lay on his mattress. Merlin was high on happiness and he wanted to talk to Gwen all night.

"I can't wait to try that on" Gwen said pointing at her new dress which was already waiting for her in her chair. "I just bet you can't wait to show it to Lance." Merlin teased. Gwen blushed "Do you think he would like it?" she asked Merlin in a quiet, shy voice. "He would be stupid if not." Merlin said honestly and Gwen looked pleased. "Do you think I'm pretty?" she asked which surprised Merlin, he hadn't thought his opinion would count. "Yes." He said again honestly.

Gwen was silent for a moment before asking sounding a bit embarrassed "Umm, when I told you that I had a tiny crush on you… well, did you ever have a crush on me?" Merlin laughed a little before remembering that it was a serious question, Gwen didn't know he was gay… "No. I didn't. But I still know you are pretty and funny and a great person to have in life." He felt a strong need to explain more to his friend. He wanted to tell Gwen he was gay. There was unequally in their relationship when he knew Gwens secret and she didn't know about his… Even if he never wanted her to know somethings, maybe he could trust in her not to hate him if she knew he didn't like girls… But the fear held his tongue.

Gwen gave him the most beautiful smile Merlin could imagine. It was full of honest gratitude and caring. "Thank you… that really means a lot to me." she said. Merlin just smiled at her. "Merlin, I trust your opinion and well, I wanted to ask you about Lance… what do you think about him?" Merlin sighed. He wasn't sure himself. He again felt his paranoia rise its head and he tried to keep to the facts when he opened his mouth. "Lance is… a good teacher. He cares about his students and he is nice… I like him and he seems responsible. Arthur also likes him and often talks about his methods with the football team." Gwen seemed like she was listening a description of something perfectly perfect Vivian made Merlin feel uneasy. He was worried, but would he make matters worse if he told Gwen that Lance also liked Gwen?

"What if Lance liked you back? What would you do?" He asked. It wasn't too suspicious, right? Gwen blushed darkly "I, I would be happy… and hope that our age difference would not get in the way…" This wasn't what Merlin wanted to know so he pressed the subject "What if he wanted to have sex with you?" He had to push all thoughts concerning himself far away so he could concentrate on Gwens reply. "I- I… I wouldn't want that yet…" Gwen was now resembling a very dark tomato. "I would want to wait until I'm older…" She didn't look at Merlin anymore but Merlin wouldn't let her get away with this. "What if he forced himself on you?" with this Gwen raised her head again. They were now both sitting on their beds and looking each others in the eye.

It took a while before Gwen replied with a serious tone "I wouldn't let that happen." "But…" Merlin tried but was cut of by Gwen. "My mother was killed by a rapist who went too far, I have thought these things since a long time ago." Merlin didn't know how to reply. This was the first time Gwen had spoke anything related to her mothers death. "I would be careful. I would have enough dates in a public places to know what kind of a person he is. I would make clear that I don't want anything too heavy before I'm older and I would stop seeing him the minute I thought there is some motive I don't like."

This efectively shut Merlin up. Gwen had really thought about this. He himself never had thought about these thing and who was he to judge anyway? He wasn't a virgin anymore… and what had he done to prevent that? He shallowed but his voice sounded hollow in his own ears. "I see… I'm sorry." Gwen who had looked stern while speaking now smiled at him fondly "It's alright, I'm clad that you worry about me but really you don't have to. And besides… Lance doesn't seem like a person who would be after someones body… I wouldn't like him otherwise."

Merlin had to agree on this one. 'Yes… he really doesn't seem like that.' he thought. Merlin had been focusing on the worst case scenario and now he felt silly. He had yelled at one of his favourite teachers and made his best friend worried… awesome. "Ok, I'll trust you on this and if he would do anything you don't like, you can tell me and I'll make Arthur kick his ass." Gwen laughed at Merlin and the seriousness was gone. "You know I have a big brother for that?" she asked Merlin with humour. "It's not that I don't appreciate your … Arthur persuading skills…" she added quickly and Merlin also laughed "I would have offered myself but I guess you would do much better job with ass kicking than me."

Gwen laughed even harder and soon they were comparing Merlins ass kicking skills and manliness to some very unflattering things. They were close to hysteria when Gwen interrupted it. "I have told you about everything important about my life now… What about you? Do you have anyone you fancy?" She said curious all over her face. Merlins laugh calmed down in a second. He felt his face grow hot and he didn't know what to say. He wanted to share his thoughts with Gwen but… He felt sudden paranoia of Arthur being just across the hall. It felt too risky to tell about his feeling for Arthur, but maybe… maybe he could trust Gwen… "I… I have never had any girl I like….like that." He said quietly his heart hammering in his chest. He tried to find words so he could tell her without telling that he liked Arthur. Gwen looked very interested now. She was hanging on the edge of her bed her eyes sparkling.

Merlin was almost there when he heard a small noise from outside the door. He saw some shadow pass from under the door and he knew what that was. Arthur and Elyan were spying for them. His face went blank. Gwen blinked at him and followed his trail of vision. Merlin made a gesture to her door and Gwen immediate caught on. She was rising from her bed an angry look on her face when Merlin stopped her with his arm. Gwen looked like a question mark and Merlin made her a silent sign to play along.

"But anyway, lets talk about Elyan, I promised to tell you everything about that one time didn't I?" He said in a bit louder than necessary with tone that suggested that Gwen knew exactly what he was talking about. "Ooo, yes and then I'll tell you about that one time Arthur was sleeping over the first time and… " She didn't get to continue further when Gwens door banged open to relieve two fluttered idiots. "Merlin! You promised!" and "That was only one time. One time! And it's NOT worth mentioning!" Merlin looked at Gwen who looked back and they both burst in to a mighty laugh.

"Did you see their faces" Gwen asked Merlin trough her giggles "I did… serves you right" Merlin tried to breathe and point at the still quiet duo by the door. "You know its past midnight don't you." Merlin stopped his laughing when he saw Gwens father standing behind Arthur and Elyan "Ah, Sorry dad, we'll quiet down now…" Elyan said sounding sorry. "Please do. If you want to talk, take the rest of the mattresses here and close the door. I want to sleep now. And you will have to make me breakfast to make this up to me." They all nodded and Gwen promised to make breakfast if Elyan cleaned the mattresses away. Elyan made a face but agreed. "I couldn't make a good breakfast anyway…" he mumbled. "Good, now good night." Their father said and returned to his own room. Merlin felt he liked him a bit and his previous uneasiness was gone. 'I have to try to not think the worst of every new people I meet…' he thought.

Arthur lifted his mattress next to Merlins and Elyan lifted his futon (Gwen told Merlin that her brother had had a period when he had liked oriental stuff very much and he had sold his bed online and bought a futon) facing Gwens bed his feet under Gwens desk. Merlin and Arthur moved closer to the door to make room in their heads side. The floor was now so cramped they would have to move the mattresses to get the door open at the morning.

When they were all comfortably under their blankets (Merlin located as far from Arthur as he could without being suspicious) Merlin had to ask "So, care to explain, why were you spying on us?" "Because they are like little children." Gwen answered for them. Elyan grinned and Arthur dodged the attention by asking from Merlin "So is it true you haven't liked anyone?" Merlin automatically moved further away from Arthur and snapped "None of your business." "You are turning red…" Arthur teased. Merlin wasn't sure if that was true, but now he was feeling too hot. "Shut up." He said and turned to his side so he didn't face Arthur. 'If I hadn't heard them…' Merlin felt a fear burn in his heart and he was so relieved he had kept his mouth shut. He would never ever talk to anyone about anything like this if he wasn't absolutely sure no-one could hear.

"And you yourself have many girlfriend in your pocket?" Gwen asked Arthur sarcastically. She was obviously not happy that their conversation was ruined before and to Merlin, she sounded like she knew something he didn't. "How would I have time for girls when I have to lead a team?" Arthur asked with I-don't-really-care attitude. "Merlin on the other hand has all the time in the world. Not even someone from your old home?" Merlin didn't want to discus this with Arthur even thought he felt annoyingly happy that Arthur had no-one in particular… "I really didn't have much choice. Elyans feet are more attractive than some of the girls in my class back home." He said remembering especially one Evelyn who had a habit of eating her own snot. 'I guess there was a reason I realised I'm gay only when I moved here…' He thought without humour.

"Whoa there, my feet are flattered and all but they don't feel that way about you…." Merlin took a traumatic look on his face "So cold, I never had the change to even get to know them better and I'm already rejected? Oh, cruel world…" They all laughed and laughed some more to some silly jokes until Gwens father knocked the door to inform them that it was past one now. After that they calmed down and gradually fell asleep. Merlin first tried to ignore Arthur lying next to him but soon he gave up and thought 'Maybe it doesn't matter if I just enjoy it a little bit?' He turned around to see Arthurs closed eyes and peaceful expression. He had turned on to his back and his pyjamas top button was open… Merlin felt his face get hot but he ignored it. No one would see anyway with the lights off and only dim light coming trough curtains. Merlin was surprisingly tired and they way he was aware of Arthurs presence lulled him to sleep. He felt safe and peaceful with the sound of breathing that filled the room and he fell into a deep sleep.

* * *

Arthur was not tired. He usually had been asleep hours at this time, but now he felt uncommonly awake besides Merlin. He heard Merlin turn, but he didn't want to open his eyes. Maybe he would fall asleep if he just kept them closed? He had good time earlier with Elyan playing some games, but when they had goten tired of looking at the screen Arthur had felt the want to talk to Merlin and he felt it was pity to sleep in the other room when he could be there with Merlin… These days out of his home were rare to him too. So he had suggested that they checked out what 'the girls' were up to. Elyan didn't need any more encouragement and they had sneaked to listen what was up in Gwens room.

"… And hey, seriously, I am stronger than an average bunny rabbit, I'll have you know that!" It was Merlin sounding hysterical "Oh, I wouldn't be so sure, rabbits can be vicious!" Gwens voice was loud and ragged from the edges, like she was trying to speak trough so much laughter that she had trouble breathing. Elyan commented quietly "Man, they have better party than we do." in which Arthur replied "Obviously, we are sitting behind their door…"

The laughter started to die down a bit and Gwen asked a question with more serious tone "I have told you about everything important about my life now… What about you? Do you have anyone you fancy?" This sparked Arthurs interest. He had asked if Merlin liked Gwen but he really hadn't dared to ask if he liked anyone else. Arthur waited curiously while Merlin was silent "I… I have never had any girl I like….like that" For some reason this made Arthur happy. He had never liked anyone like that either and he was eager to learn more of what Merlin thought at the topic, but there was also something else. He shifted his foot to a better position. There was a long pause and Arthur was impatient. He wasn't even entirely sure why because he really didn't feel like teasing Merlin about this. He felt… clad?

"But anyway, lets talk about Elyan, I promised to tell you everything about that one time didn't I?" Arthur saw Elyan tense from the corner of his eye and he wondered what that meant when he heard "Ooo, yes and then I'll tell you about that one time Arthur was sleeping over the first time and… " 'No, not that!' Was Arthurs only thought and with that he and Elyan moved as one to open the door. As soon as they saw Merlins face looking directly at the door they knew they had been tricked.

Now Arthur was lying next to Merlin and he still didn't seem satisfied. He thought absentmindedly at Merlins behaviour today and came to the conclusion that he had been worrying for nothing. Merlin didn't seem so thin anymore. He was thin alright, but maybe the sticking ribs had just been a trick of light.

He turned his head towards Merlin and opened his eyes. Merlins eyes were closed and he was breathing calmly. He was fast asleep. Arthur looked at Merlins hair that was visible only because of the contrast they had against light blue pillowcase. He wondered if Merlin would wake up if Arthur touched his hair… There was that thought again. What was with him and hair all of a sudden… But did that matter? He moved his hand slowly towards Merlin and he touched very lightly some tips of Merlins short hair.

He pulled his hand back when Merlin shifted slightly collecting more blanket to his face. After he was sure that Merlin was still asleep, Arthur felt amused at that. He himself liked to sleep in cool, he got hot easily and he normally didn't wear pyjama shirt, only pants. He thought it for a moment, but then turned his blanket so that half was on his legs and half on Merlins. Then he closed his eyes again and felt the day and the darkness get to him and he too fell asleep.


	9. Chapter 9 - Back to 'home'

Merlin woke up when Arthur shook him. "Breakfast, Merlin, you lazy blanket thief…" Merlin opened his eyes and tried to make sense of what Arthur meant and where he was. He soon realised his whereabouts and soon after that he noticed the two blankets he had on him. No wonder it felt warm… It took one more second to come to a conclusion that the other blanket was Arthurs.

Merlin blushed but luckily Arthur had already turned to leave "I'll eat your breakfast if you don't hurry." He said cheerfully and walked out leaving the door open. Merlin saw the kitchen and smelled pancakes. Gwen waved her spatula at him and told him to come to eat while they were hot. Merlin smiled and moved to a sitting position. He froze in a middle of getting up when he felt his pyjama pants too tight. He had an erection… He couldn't believe himself! This wasn't the first time he had morning wood, but why, why now?! Was it because he had slept next to Arthur? Or because his blanket? He tried to remember his dreams desperately but couldn't. What could he do? This was so humiliating and the door was open and he had to get up…

Merlin lied back down and buried himself to the blankets. He tried not to think anything and slowly he felt the tension lessen. When he had made extra sure he no longer had any evidence of his previous problem, he finally got up.

"Finally! Your sleeping abilities amaze me…" Arthur commented while Gwen sat down her own portion also ready. There was a plate of pancakes in front of an empty chair reserved for him and another in the middle of the table full of them. Gwens father also sat on the table almost finished with his portion. "That was delicious, Gwen. I have to leave soon for work… I trust it's clean here when I get back?" He said when he had eaten the last bit of his portion. "It will, I'll make sure Elyan cleans. Do you want some more to take with you?" Gwen said calmly to his father sounding more like a mother than a daughter. Her father smiled gently if not bit tiredly. "Thanks. I'll have few, if you could put them in a lunch box while I change?" He replied the smile never leaving his features. "Of course." Gwen replied cheerfully.

'She really is mature… no wonder Lance didn't realise she is only 15…' Merlin thought and wondered absentmindedly when Lance had figured it out and from who. 'Propably from Gwen herself because Lance thought she is already 16... Elyan would have said 15. And the school record too.' He pondered. He had kind of missed his change to correct Lance when they were talking and now he saw no reason to it, Gwen would be 16 soon anyway.

As Merlin ate he avoided Arthurs eyes and concentrated on eating. He felt a bit shy in his presence and shame on himself for being like- like that right next to Arthur the whole night. He had no idea how he had managed to steal Arthurs blanket and he hoped that Arthur hadn't woken up when he had done that. He could only hope that Arthur hadn't thought anything of it (more than being annoyed which he surely was). Luckily right now Arthur was conversing with Elyan and Gwen and the kitchen was full of noise and cheerful laughter. Gradually Merlin felt more at home than in a long time. He too joined the conversation after a while.

The pancakes were delicious and Merlin told Gwen that now they were even, which made Gwen remember the dress and she left her dishes to the table for grumbling Elyan to take care of and skipped to her room to change. When she came out about twenty minutes later she had the dress and dark brown stockings and three small flowers in the side of her hair. "How do I look?" She asked shyly. Elyan made a noise like trying to get as much breath in his lungs as he could in order to tell his opinion. "I didn't ask you." Gwen told him before he could which made him breath out sounding overly disappointed. "I think you look lovely." Merlin told her smiling fondly. Arthur glanced at him with bit of suspicion. Could Merlin have a crush on Gwen anyway… He wouldn't have told Gwen if he liked her, right?

Gwen looked happy and she jumped a bit. "I really should shop with you more often." she said and sat down besides Merlin. She then reached for Merlin with an extra flower in her hand and pinned it behind Merlins ear. This of course made Arthur laugh and Merlin felt pleased hearing that sound. He desided to play along this time "Does it suit me?" He asked tilting his head towards Arthur and Gwen laughed and Arthur almost fell from his chair. Elyan grumbled at them for having fun and making him do the dishes.

* * *

The time to go home came too soon. Merlin knew his mother wouldn't be home and he felt uneasy going back to the house. Would he get used to it ever? Going back there… Arthur also seemed to want to stay as long as possible, but when his father called to ask when they would be home, Merlin knew that they didn't have much time. Arthur lied something about cleaning up and gathering their project before ending the call with "Yes father".

"I suppose it was some school work again you came here for…" Elyan commented dryly. "Yeah… chemistry." Gwen also nodded and Merlin realised that this was the reason Gwen had opposed Uther being so strict before. She had known that Arthur had to lie to get out of the house and that it now applied to Merlin. If only he too had the courage to lie to Uther...

When they were putting their jackets on Merlins hand swept his ear and he suddenly remembered the flower. He took it off from his hair and put it gently to Gwens. "Thank you for inviting me over." He said and Gwen smiled at him warmly. "See you at school tomorrow." and they left. Elyans car was cold for being outside all night. Arthur took the plastic bag Merlin had for his new clothes. "I'll hide this into my bag, I'll sneak it to you somehow." Merlin agreed. It wasn't good idea to risk Uther seeing his purchases and his bag was full.

Merlin and Arthur talked only a little on the way home. They both were a bit tired so when Elyan put some music on, Merlin took the opportunity to just watch the scenery and the neighbourhood Gwen lived in. It looked so nice here… He had been blown away at first about Uthers house and the area but now he had trouble even liking it. Elyan dropped them in the same street corner they had left yesterday with the cab. Arthur told Merlin that the real reason why they only drove here was that his father didn't appreciate Elyans style very much. Nor his car which was cheep. He didn't want anyone to see it drive to his front door.

The house was quiet and big and Merlin felt empty. He liked Gwens home much better. Arthur called for his father, but no one answered. Arthur quickly opened his bag and handed Merlin his purchases. "He must be in his study… remember that we left the work to Gwen to take to school tomorrow." He flashed Merlin a smile before moving towards exit again. He changed his jacket and shoes and took a football from a cupboard. "I'll go and think of something for the warm up for next week, tell father I'm in the field if he asks!" And he went. There was a little area in their garden that Arthur used for practicing. The grass there was solid and cut for the purpose.

Merlin took his new clothes to his room being sure that Uther would jump from some corner any time and demand what Merlin was carrying. To his relief, nothing happened and he threw the bag into his closet. He would wear something new tomorrow. That thought at least made him a bit happier. For a while Merlin waited Uther to make his appearance, but after a while he relaxed when nothing happened. He didn't have anything to do and with time he found himself lying from the floor felling bored. He didn't remember what he used to do before when he had free time and he really couldn't imagine anything new either. 'I could try on those new shirts…' but he dismissed the idea fast because he still couldn't be sure if Uther would come…

Merlin briefly thought of going to see what Arthur was doing or even help him to practice… but he didn't want Arthur to figure out how desperate he was of his company. 'This sucks.' Was Merlins honest opinion. He observed his room from this unusual ankle but it went old fast. His perfectly painted roof wasn't very intriguing… 'Is Arthurs room the same…?' He wondered and started to think all the differences of his and Arthurs rooms. First of all their layouts were mirror images but the alcoves where Merlins couch was, were on the same sides of their rooms. Merlin bed was opposite wall from the sofa and Arthurs was on the same wall a low bookcase between them. Arthur also had a tv under his window so he could watch it from his sofa and where Merlin had a sofa, Arthur had his working desk. Merlin didn't have a tv and his working desk was under the window. He had liked the view before, but nowadays he felt it unnerving that he had to work his back to the door (which opened too quietly to his tastes…) Arthurs room was decorated mainly with strong colours like red and dark brown while Merlins was mostly soft tones of purple and gray. Apparently they were chosen by Arthurs sister Morgana, whose room this used to be.

Merlin had never seen her and Arthur seemed to find her annoying while he clearly also was fond of her in a very little brother way, still their relationship seemed complicated. To Merlin it seemed a bit odd that Morgana had not once visited them, not even for the wedding. He remembered Arthur once mentioning that she and Uther didn't get along and that Morgana was now in university and lived with a room mate. But that was everything Arthur seemed to know.

Merlin let his thoughts wander and finally he remembered the feeling of Arthur laying next to him and he turned to his side and closed his eyes imaging Arthur next to him reaching for his hair… He wasn't sure why that felt so real but with that feeling he fell asleep. He was laying on a hard wooden floor but he felt comfortable and warm and he slept with a pleasant dream of Arthur caressing his hair.

* * *

Arthur had a good time making up new routines for his team. He had always been one for physical routine. But he would have liked someone to practice with him. He had thought of asking Merlin to join him but decided on waiting if he would come himself. Obviously Merlin didn't show up, so he was here alone. For the first half an hour he half waited Merlin to come for him, but after that he fully engaged himself on making his routines. He wanted to make something new and inspiring for his team. For Arthur what ever he had to do was worth the trouble if he could make the people depending on him do their best.

When he was ready he noticed that it was almost dinner time. He took his ball and starred walking to the house. When he had showered and was making his way to the dining room, he felt a need to check on Merlin. Merlins door was half open (which was unusual) and when Arthur opened it fully, he saw Merlin lying on his floor sleeping. 'Again… does he ever do anything else?' he thought while walking towards Merlin.

He stopped by Merlins side and looked at him awhile. Merlin seemed peaceful and calm. Arthur wasn't sure if he had seen Merlin like this at any other time but sleeping. He liked it. If his father wasn't already downstairs he wouldn't have dared to wake Merlin up but sadly, he had to. He could have just shaken him wake but on a sudden impulse he lied right next to Merlin and just called his name. "Merlin, it's time to wake up…" he said with a soft tone that surprised himself.

For a moment he wasn't sure if Merlin would even hear him but apparently even Merlin didn't sleep too soundly on floor. Merlin opened his eyes slowly and for a moment he smiled. Arthur had never seen him smile quite like that and he could just stare at Merlins blue eyes while Merlin seemed slowly to wake up.

Eventually his smile faltered. "Arthur! Wha- what are you doing?" He finally realised who, what and where he was and rose quickly to a sitting position. Arthur frowned a bit. He felt… disappointed of Merlins smile disappearing, but he couldn't let it show. "Waking you up. It's dinner time." He said more calmly than he felt, still laying on the floor. Merlin looked at him like he had another head and finally blushed. 'Maybe because he's embarrassed that I found him sleeping on the floor?' Arthur thought.

"So, dinner you said…" Merlin mumbled, stood up and moved to the door without looking at Arthur again. Arthur slowly lifted himself from the floor and made his way to downstairs. 'cute…smiling Merlin is cute…' This thought was more than a bit worrying but he let it slide. He wasn't so sure anymore how exactly he saw Merlin…

Merlin felt mortified. He actually had confused his dreams and reality. And this was not the only time he felt he wasn't quite there. 'I have to keep it together better…' He told himself. His good dreams, his bad dreams, Uthers voice, his paranoia to new people… This was getting out of hand. He wasn't sure anymore where inside of his head started and where it ended. In his dream Arthur had been laying next to him. He had caressed Merlins hair and spoken him with a soft voice. And Merlin had smiled at him and was about to tell him how he loved him… He wasn't sure when the dream had ended. He wasn't even sure if Arthur had really been laying next to him on the floor or if he had imagined it. Maybe Arthur was really standing or even just told him from the hallway… It would make much more sense…

Merlin had a hard time enjoying being himself that night. He couldn't face Arthur and he avoided Uthers gaze like it would burn him alive. Even his endless studying wouldn't distract him from being scared that he would mix up his fantasies to reality and say or do something that would make everyone know… For the first time since this all started, he felt like he didn't want to go to school. There were so many people… Finally he closed his book in frustration and went to lay on his sofa.

'This is real…' He thought laying there 'I live here, I go to school, Gwen, Elyan and Arthur are my friends….' It hurt a bit to group Arthur as his friend but at the same time he was ashamed and quilt swirled inside of him for wanting anything else. 'My mother loves me… at least if she never finds out about this…' He was aware that he was technically cheating her mother being like this with her husband. He shuddered. 'Does that mean that Uther is also cheating mother with…me…? ' That was a bizarre thought 'Does it count if Uther thinks I'm disgusting? But… he also gets hard… he came inside of me…'

Merlin had to open his eyes just to see his ceiling and a dim light coming from his reading light. He could again smell Uthers smell and hear him panting. The imaginary fated slowly leaving Merlin with cold sweat and feeling sick. 'I'm on my couch, I'm alone…' he had to reassure himself. 'He has cummed on me a lot of times…' Now Merlin had to rise to a sitting position so nothing would come up.

Merlin had never questioned this before, not really, but why did Uther do what he did? '…as an adult I have the responsibility to protect anyone underaged from doing anything they could regret in the future…' He suddenly remembered Lances words. He surely was underaged but if he was sure about something today, Uther didn't want to protect him.

Merlin felt suddenly angry. What the hell protecting even meant? Could someone protect him from liking other males? Could someone protect him from wanting Arthur, from loving him? Could someone protect him from Uther… He hated the thought of Uther coming again and again. He didn't want him near. He hurt Merlin, he made Merlin vomit, he made Merlin hate himself… But no-one would help… He was on this alone and no one could know…

His anger slowly changed to depression. He had nothing he could do. Telling himself to anyone felt like it had all been for nothing. He would have to tell everyone that he was gay and that he lusted for his supposed to be step-brother and the pictures… Uther would show them to everybody and they would know what he had done…

Merlin covered his face with his hands and took a deep breath. He had to calm down… He had to keep himself together… Or he would expose himself.

* * *

He was there until Uther came into his room. Merlin was so deep inside of his mind he didn't even hear Uther until he was standing next to him. "What a disappointment you are…" Merlins blood ran cold and he almost fell from where he was sitting. His heart was racing painfully in his chest and he felt dizzy. "Take off your clothes." This was it. Again and again he would have to do this. Uther would never leave him alone. Could he get away with just giving him a head? 'I have to get him away from my couch…' This thought wasn't very logical but Merlin really didn't want Uther taking him on the only place he still could sleep.

Merlin rose and let Uther take his shirt of while he tried to lead him towards his bed as slowly as he could. Uther opened his own belt and pushed Merlins shoulder to make him kneel. Merlin couldn't help but feel a bit relieved. "Such a happy expression… you really do what this don't you? You want it in your mouth and up in your ass, don't you?" Merlin couldn't reply. He felt shame shallow him and he knew he couldn't argue to Uther. Uthers thing was now in front of his face and he held his breath so he wouldn't taste. He closed his eyes so he couldn't see and he shut his mind so he wouldn't have to think what he was really doing.

He sucked. He had learned that way Uther wouldn't pull his hair and also that way Uther would come faster and leave. "I wonder if you did have a good time with your 'friends'? I hope you didn't try anything with that girl... was her name Gwen? Or maybe it's her brother you are after…" Merlin couldn't continue when Uther mentioned his friends. His mouth was dry and he felt nausea, he tried to cover himself like his friends could hear and see everything when their names were mentioned.

This didn't make Uther happy and Merlin soon felt himself being lifted from the floor and pushed to his bed. His heart stopped and he heard a tube cap being opened with a snap. He would flinch to that sound for years to come.

Uther didn't take long to thrust into Merlin. He didn't use any fingers first and for a moment Merlin felt so much pain he only saw white. He slowly came back to reality when he got used to the pain a little, but it hurt so much…. "And so naughty here, are we now. Tell me, were you also hard for your friends brother, hmm?" Merlin didn't understand at first what he meant at all but then he finally realised, that Uthers hand was caressing Merlins now fully erected staff. For a while he lost all reality. He could still feel the pain. He could hear and smell Uther. He could feel him inside of his ass. But he didn't care. He was hard. He had felt himself dirty and shameful but now something was different. 'I really am this sick… I really want this…' Uther had been right. There wasn't anything to protect in him. He wasn't worth protecting.

He waited until Uther came, this time on his back. Merlin filched with pain when Uther suddenly pulled out and soon he felt something warm hit his neck and the smell was horrible. "Do not think that I will ever allow you to whore yourself around." Uther said into his ear with smug voice. Merlin just nodded, he didn't know what else to do. It seemed to work because Uther retreated to the door, opened the lock and disappeared for tonight.

If Merlin had a choice, he would have laid there for a long time, but suddenly he was very conscious about the fact that his door was open. Of course his mother would be back only after he had left for school and Arthur was fast asleep… or was he? Merlin had no idea what time it was… So he rose up as quickly as he could and made his way to bathroom and locked the door. He didn't give a damn if Uther would know. In the bathroom, he could barely stand. His legs were shaky and he felt faint. And on top of that, now that he was standing, he felt Uthers cum run down his back. He felt his nausea again and he vomited in the sink. After that he was shivering and tears ran from his eyes silently.

'I can't take this anymore…' But to him that thought was worthless. He had nowhere to go. He touched his bottom and he felt it sore and wet. He bought his fingers up to look at them and he saw blood. Blood… somehow he felt a bit cleaner with that. He couldn't want something that made him bleed right? Blood… He wondered if losing a little more would make him a bit cleaner. He remembered his old carving knife he had had since he had been seven. It was in his desk drawer…

He put a towel around himself and moved as quickly as he could to get the knife and as quickly back behind the locked door. He took the cover off and looked at the small knife. It held good memories from his home… He had carved poorly with Will and he had given some of the stuff he had made to his mother. He had once cut his finger and he still had a small scar there. He pressed the blade on his thigh. No one would see it in there and he felt it was a bit closer to the problem than his wrists. He closed his eyes and slid the blade.

It hurt. The sharp pain caught him by surprise and he dropped the knife. It fell to the tiled floor making clanging sounds. Merlin opened his eyes and saw blood running from an about ten centimetres wide clean wound. He felt weak and he had to lie down on the floor. For a moment he saw everything more sharply, more clearly. The light in his bathroom felt brighter and he heard his heart beat loud and steady in his ears. He was in control for a while but then he saw himself as he was for a while.

It made him see it all from a different ankle. He was there, bleeding, too skinny and vomiting in regular basis. He felt thin and empty. He was not fit to this. And this wouldn't help him. He remembered how he had promised to his mother he wouldn't lock his door 'What if something happened there and the door was locked…' Right now something had happened. And Merlin had been stupid enough to make it happen himself. 'Idiot…' He thought. He felt so stupid.

Fortunately his wound didn't bleed for long and he felt better and better laying there. Finally he was confident enough to sit. He crawled on all fours to shower, he didn't dare to stand up yet. He was painfully aware of how close it had been that he hadn't for example fainted. He thought of his mother finding him laying on the bathroom floor after she realised that Merlin wasn't where he was supposed to be. Like this, naked and bleeding, unable to get up. He shuddered. He had to get up.

Merlin washed his wounds carefully. His back was another story. He almost dislocated his shoulder trying to scrub the feeling of Uthers cum from his skin. In the end he had to stop when one too quick movement made his leg stretch and his cut open. He used a ton of toilet paper to press on his tight and to his bottom, which didn't seem to bleed that much anymore. He had to get some bandages tomorrow without anyone noticing. 'There must be some in the house, but where?' Could he ask Arthur without making him suspicious? He didn't know.

When Merlin was getting up he noticed, to his horror, that many surfaces of the bathroom were covered with little or not so little droplets of blood. He didn't have any energy left but he had to get it cleaned. Their cleaning lady would clean all the bathrooms tomorrow and she couldn't see this… So he washed everything he could with showering water on tiled parts and his toilet seat he had sat while he had cut himself. He felt a new shame born inside of him.

Some parts of the walls and cupboard and sink he had to scrub by hand 'How does so little blood go everywhere?' He thought exhausted. When he couldn't see more stains he gave up. He didn't even see straight anymore and his leg was now aching badly. On every white surface he could see ghost of red droplets.

He limbed to his room only dropping his last full toilet paper roll to his nightstands drawer 'For the next time I'll need it…' he thought darkly and went to his couch. He lowered himself slowly careful not to hurt his leg more. He only had few hours to sleep before going to school. He wished the morning would never come before he fell asleep drained from all energy.

* * *

But the morning came. And this time it came for Merlin in form of one pissed off Arthur. "Merlin!" His shout made Merlin open his eyes tiredly. "What…?" His confusion managed to piss Arthur off even more "What do you mean what? I'm leaving and I am leaving now were you with me or not! What is wrong with you?! I have tried to wake you up here like an idiot!" Merlin was now fully awake. He didn't want to see Arthur mad at him… It hurt. "Sorry! I'll- I'll be up now…" He mumbled and rose up.

Arthur frowned at him and Merlin was about to run to get his clothes but his leg stopped him. He felt a needle like pain and he got afraid that he had opened the wound again. "Don't sorry me but move!" Arthur didn't like it when Merlin again seemed to want them to be late by stopping in mid-step in the middle of the room. "Father had to leave early, Elyan promised to pick us up." He managed to explain with angry tone. Arthur knew full well that he couldn't leave without Merlin, his job was to get him to school and his father would be furious to both of them if he left Merlin behind. Luckily Merlin started to move again but not nearly fast enough for Arthurs liking.

Finally Merlin came out from his closet with a green shirt on and some loosest trousers Arthur had seem him wear ever. In his hand he had a new jumper and he was trying to get a price tag off. This of course didn't help Arthurs mood "Do that in the car, if we are late because you had time to decide on what to wear I'll kill you myself." Arthur snatched Merlins school bag and pulled Merlin out from the room. "Hey! I hadn't bagged it yet…" He tried to protest but Arthur just snapped "You should have thought about it yesterday or woken up earlier!" and kept dragging Merlin downstairs. This made Merlins leg hurt like hell and Merlin was scared of it opening so he tried to slow down which made Arthur just pull more. Finally they got into the car Elian had parked next to their entrance and Arthur was fuming.

"You are impossible in the mornings but this must be the record! If I didn't know any better I would have thought that you had died while sleeping…" He ranted and Merlin felt ashamed. He hadn't been thinking at all last night and he had forgotten to set his alarm. Still this was better than Uther having to come and wake him up…

He kept his gaze on his lap and he noticed a tiniest red bloom in his pants. He quickly took a hold of the fabric so it wouldn't touch his tight anymore. 'I should at least have chosen my wrist…' He had no idea how he was going to survive PE today. He tried to calculate if this was a cooper test day but he couldn't remember so he had to ask from silent but still angry Arthur. "Yes. Can't you count?" he snapped at him and Merlin felt his heart drop. 'How could I have been so stupid… I should have remembered.' He was now angry at himself so he joined Arthurs silence and concentrated on keeping his leg still. Elyan also stayed silent. He had vitnessed enough sibling fights to know when it was time to stay quiet. Even if this fight seemed somehow different that his and Gwens fights.

* * *

Arthur was calming down. They would make it, barely, but still. He was clad that he had a habit of being early. It had saved them now. When he had woken up he had eaten breakfast like he normally did, told his father a good day when he left to work and collected his stuff. Only then he had thought on checking on Merlin. It wasn't unusual for him to miss breakfast and wake up as late as possible but at this time he was usually raiding their fridge to find something to eat even on weekends. Arthur had no idea what Merlin did on normal days because he always left before Merlin woke up. So he went to Merlins door and when no-one replied to his knocking, he let himself in. He was surprised to find Merlin sleeping from his couch. 'Did he read until late and fell asleep on his couch?' He didn't see any book nearby…

When he had reached Merlin, he had noticed that Merlin didn't have any shirt on. That was unusual sight, Merlin seemed to be very self conscious about his body and he always had full pyjama and he changed his gym clothes in bathroom nowadays. Merlin was mostly cowered by blanket but Arthur could see Merlins shoulder and a part of his side and back. 'He really is thin…' He thought worriedly. He touched Merlins bare shoulder and shook it gently. Merlins skin was warm and soft, if not a bit dry and Arthur felt his hand wander towards Merlins back. He could feel Merlins rib case even near his shoulders. He tried to think Merlin was just naturally thin and he didn't have any muscle and that he would gain more weight eventually, but it still made him uneasy so he moved his hand away and covered Merlins shoulder with the blanket.

"Merlin, wake up, we have to leave." He said gently. He hoped to see the same smile he had seen just yesterday, but Merlin didn't even stir. Arthur let his hand wander to Merlins neck and to his hair. It was soft and the feel of Merlins scalp against his fingers and his short hair in between his fingers made Arthur lose his sense of time. He could do this all day.

But the time was not on his side so he tried to call Merlin softly one more time. Merlin didn't show any signs of waking up so Arthur tried louder. He tried several times clad that nobody else was home but when Merlin didn't move he started to feel irritated. Was Merlin pretending to be asleep to annoy him? He glanced his watch and he realised that they didn't have much time. He shouted at this point and finally Merlin opened his eyes. Arthur had been ready to shake Merlin and he stopped abruptly in midair his hands hovering over Merlin. This made him feel stupid so he ended up taking it out on Merlin.

Arthur sighed. He was too short tempered. It was Merlins fault for not waking up early enough to get to school but he shouldn't have yelled at him… He himself had used too much time just watching and touching Merlin. Sleeping Merlin. Awesome. 'I have to really stop doing that. Right, we live together, it's not like I can't just hug him or something and get over with this... weird need to touch him all the time.' He thought embarrassed.

Arthur glances at Merlin who was staring out of the window at the moment 'cute…' He remembered thinking this word before. What _did_ he think about Merlin? 'He is an idiot who almost made me late today.' He decided and got ready to exit the car while Elyan tried to find an open spot for his car. Arthur wouldn't ruin the rest of his day thinking more to this than it was.

* * *

Merlins day was mostly filled with worrying about his leg and trying to act normal. The first change he got, he went to bathroom to see his leg and found it looking messy. I had opened partially and some of the paper had stuck on it. He tried to peel most of the paper of and wash the wound gently. He wondered if he could go to ask some bandages from the school nurse but quickly dismissed that thought. He would have to survive with toilet paper.

Gwen was over the moon to see Merlin in his new shirt and she herself had her new dress. She looked pretty and Merlin cheered up a bit in her presence. He also had to smirk when he saw Lances face when he happened to walk past them in hallway. Gwen blushed a little and Merlin hoped he himself wasn't that easy to read. Still Lances purely admiring and a bit stupid face relaxed him a bit. He couldn't think Uther ever having that face. Still Merlin had trouble eating at lunch and when Gwen commented on it he just told her that he didn't like that particular food very much (even thought he couldn't even remember what it really was). Gwen made him buy some chocolate because he looked pale. Merlin ate it and felt better for half an hour but when the day rolled on, he felt more and more tired.

Finally it was time for PE and honestly, Merlin had no idea how he would run the cooper test. He changed his clothes in bathroom and tried not to flinch when the smell of previous classes sweat hit him in the gym like a wet rug. He felt ill. They first did some warm up and Merlin felt awful. He tried to concentrate on one dot on the wall but he slipped easily and his balance went with it. When he finally tripped on his own feet, he felt his wound stretch painfully.

When the warm up was completed, Merlin glazed a clock which was located atop of gyms entrance. It had only been fifteen minutes. Merlins shoulders dropped and it took extreme effort to move himself to a line and stay standing for todays instructions. He didn't listen very well and when Lance blew his whistle, Merlin had no idea what to do. He decided to follow the rest and soon he realised the coopers test had begun. He didn't care about his results today, he just wanted to survive the class and go home and sleep.

He barely noticed Arthurs concerned face when he passed him by a lapse, but it made him try harder for a while. Still twelve minutes was too long time to run with his current condition and his leg hurt like hell. He had ran only about five minutes when Lance pulled him aside. "Merlin, are you alright?" He asked clear concern in his eyes. "I tried to call you in your previous lapse, but you seemed like you didn't hear me. You don't look like you should be in school… Are you ill?" The questions rang in Merlins years and he tried to concentrate on one at the time. Could he use one of them as an excuse? Like he had been feeling sick? No… he'd have to go to the nurse then.

"It's nothing… just that I'm tired." He said but found it hard to look Lance in the eye. "Have you been sleeping well?" Lance didn't let him go. "Yes… just not tonight." Merlin tried to sound convincing and he knew he was failing miserably. "Any particular reason for that?" Lances question triggered something in Merlins brain and made him angry. Very angry.

"I don't think it's any of your business." He said with a quiet but dangerously low voice. There was a pause when Merlin looked Lance in the eye daring him to speak and Lance didn't know what to say or do. "Would you wait for me in my office until this is finished?" He finally said. Merlin took his change and walked to Lances small office.

While angry, he had forgotten his leg for a second there, but now that he was walking, it came back to him. He sat down in the office and grimaced. There was no-one here and no windows so he could have this moment just for himself. He looked around the office and his eyes fell into a first aid cupboard. He listened for a second to be sure that everyone was still running and glanced the door to see if someone could see him.

When he was sure he was safe, he rose up and opened the cupboard. It was full of everything he might need and he quickly took some bandages, plasters, roll bandages and few one use only disinfectant towels. There were even condoms and on moments impulse he also took one of those. He stuffed everything in his pockets and made sure they didn't make any sound when he sat down again.

Soon he heard Lance blow his whistle and start collecting individual distances. Merlins interest was captured only when he heard Arthurs name, but he couldn't hear well so he missed the distance. Now he only had to wait for Lance to give some instructions for what they were going to do next. He heard him make Arthur lead some stretching and then some football exercises. 'Yeah, use Arthur again will you?' It didn't seem fair to him that Arthur was always the one who had to be responsible of everything. At home and at school. Could he never have a brake? Hadn't he done enough already?

Merlins thoughts were interrupted by Lance who came to the office looking serious. Some of Merlins anger disappeared when Lance closed the door. He didn't like being in a closed room and he felt claustrophobic. It eased up a bit when Lance moved to sit behind his desk and there was open pathway to the door.

"Merlin, I want to talk to you about your wellbeing. I have noticed that your performance in class has been dropping. You were fine before, but many times now you have been tired and your coopers test for example is worse by every time. So please tell me, is there something wrong?" Merlin was annoyed to Lance but more so to himself. He had let everyone see him getting weaker. Anyone could figure out what was going on if he kept doing like this.

"I just don't like sports." He wasn't even lying, he was actually a bit surprised that Lance had told him that he had been 'ok' before. "I don't mean now just not liking, I mean you seem like you _can't_ do it." The worry was thick in Lances voice but the words made Merlin feel angry again. He knew it wasn't logical, but hearing that he couldn't do something like sports rubbed him the wrong way. He didn't even care for the subject! He just wanted to be left alone.

"And I mean I don't want to hear this from a pervert who likes his students!" He wasn't his real self right now. He just wanted to be mean. Something he had never wanted to be in his life. And it worked. Lance froze and didn't say anything. Merlin had to continue so he wouldn't start apologising. "I don't want to be here. Leave me alone if you don't want me to tell Gwen everything and the principal too!"

There was a moment of silence again and then Lance rose to leave. "You can go to change now." He said while passing Merlin. He didn't sound mad, he sounded disappointed. It hurt Merlin. He hadn't wanted this. He hadn't meant to make Lance disappointed… But he didn't know how to take it back so he could just watch Lance walk past him. He waited a long while before slipping to change hoping nobody would see him.

If for something he was clad that he could change in peace but he didn't know if he was allowed to leave or not so he just sat in the changing room for a long time. Finally he left because he didn't want to meet the others so he just wandered around the school and to its premises for a while. He found a nice spot to sit where no-one could really see him and when the bell rang he walked to the parking lot like he had never been out from class.

Uther picked Merlin up like normal and he didn't have to see Arthur. To his luck Uther didn't touch him much because he remembered too late all the stuff he had in his pockets. If Uther had noticed them rustle in his pockets and found them- especially the condom… 'Why did I take that? Stupid, stupid, stupid…' It's not like he would need it but if someone found it…

When they were at home he tried to walk as normally as he could while not making any sound. His mother was home and had just woken up. She greeted him from the table eating breakfast. Merlin waved at her not meeting her eyes and told her that he was a bit tired so he would take a nap. He felt horrible. He had goten trouble acting normal for his friend and Arthur but his mother… He felt like he was betraying her. In a way he also felt he was betraying Arthur but it was different and painful in different way. His mother… He could openly tell he loved her and still he… he had to get to his room. He wanted to disappear into some corner and never come out.

When Merlin closed the door behind him, he felt like he was breathing for the first time today. He gulped down air and tears ran down his face. He slid down and leaned to his door. He pulled his knees to his cheats not caring how that made his leg feel and just cried silently to his knees until he couldn't anymore. He was so tired… He slid to the floor and felt that it was alright to just fall asleep here… until he again heard his pocket rustle. Suddenly he was fully awake. He had to hide all this now!

He searched a hiding place with his eyes and thought of his nightstand. He didn't have anything in its drawer… He stood up and limped to his bed. Now he didn't have to care how it looked. He opened the drawer and he suddenly felt very cold. There was something. It was a tube and Merlin knew without further investigation what was inside of it. It was the lube Uther had used.

Merlin slammed the drawer shut and tried to collect himself. Uther had left it here… so he could use it more easily… and so if it was found, it would be Merlins. He shuddered. If it was found, he couldn't have any excuses. What if Arthur would go trough his stuff as a joke or if his mother would open that drawer… Merlin had to remind himself of breathing and he tried to calm down. 'Will Uther listen if I wanted to hide it better?' He wasn't sure…

'I have to think one problem at a time…' He thought willing his panic to go away. 'The mattress…' He lifted the mattress of his bed and put everything there. Side by side so they wouldn't make a bulge. The condom he would have to think another place. He looked under his bed and stuck the condom in between one of his beds boards and mattress.

After he had jumped up and down in his bed to be sure it didn't make any unusual sounds or nothing moved or dropped he took one of the bandages, disinfectant towels and one bandage roll and went to his bathroom to clean his leg. He locked his bathroom door again, but was ready to unlock it at any sound indicating someone opening the door leading to his room.

He took his pants off and started to peel all the toilet paper he had rolled around his tight carefully. Some of the paper was stuck into the wound but when he washed it with a damp cloth and the disinfectant towel, he got most of it out. The wound was red on the edges but didn't look as bad as Merlin had feared. When he had dressed the wound, he actually felt a bit better. He threw his pant to his laundry basket and opened the bathroom door. He listened for a second for any sounds and when he didn't hear any, he half limbed half ran into his closet to get something to wear. He felt exposed in his boxers and felt better only when he was again behind a closed door. He took a pair of college pants he normally didn't like wearing, but now the looseness felt easier for his leg.

The maid had taken his blanket and pillow from his couch, like every day, so he took just his jumper to cover him. It was warm and he felt better than in his whole day. Before sleep took him, he remembered that Arthur had waken him up this morning and had sawn him sleeping on the couch… He thought that he should care, but right now he didn't have any energy for that.

He slept until his mother woke him up by gently caressing the side of his face. In his sleepy state of mind, for a moment he was a little boy again and he hugged his mother and breathed in her smell. Hunith looked a bit surprised but hugged Merlin back and smiled at him brightly. Merlin was a bit embarrassed but now he could push his pain into a hidden corner of his mind again. He could look at his mother and converse in the dining table like he normally would. He could again lie to everyone and be normal in his life outside his room.

* * *

When Lance saw Merlin leave his office from the corner of his eye, he felt hurt. He hadn't thought Merlin would hate him like that. And he really was just doing his job at the moment… But something was off. Lance couldn't say what but he didn't really think it was because of him. He knew what a defiant person looked like and from Merlin he didn't get that feeling. He was worried. Merlin was thin but few weeks ago he had seen him run well and even the football… but today he looked like he was trying to survive the class alive rather than just run slowly because he didn't care.

He remembered Arthur asking him about anorexia, which was a bit odd, Arthur normally wasn't that interested more than getting the best score from tests but nothing more about any subject in particularly. 'Could he also have been worried about Merlin…?' He would have to try to ask about Merlin from Arthur without telling about his worries. He would just make things worse if he wasn't right.

Arthur wasn't happy. He had been angry in the morning but now he was mainly concerned about Merlin. He had seen Lance pull him to the side and he was clad he had. Merlin had looked awful. From morning till afternoon. He was slower than usual and he looked exhausted. Had he not slept enough? Speaking of which, why had Merlin slept on his couch? Seriously. His bed was top notch like Arthurs and he had taken all the trouble of taking his pillow and blanket with him… Ok, that was weird but notting serious. He was more worried about Merlins pale face and gloomy state. His mood seemed to wary from day to day so radically Arthur found it hard to follow.

And then there was this strange pull he felt towards Merlin all the time… Like he was super aware of where and what and how Merlin was doing all the time. The only thing that he couldn't get was why and that irritated Arthur to no end. He felt most at ease when he spend time with Merlin and he saw him smile…

Lance blew his whistle and he slowly walked to the line to tell his rounds. Lance asked him to get the class to do some of his exercises so he arranged the ones that played in his team to teach some good practicing moves to others and supervised that until Lance came back. Merlin wasn't with him and that didn't make Arthur happy. He hoped that Merlin would wait for him in the locker room but when the class ended, Merlin was already gone. He frowned but could do nothing else than to get ready for his football practices. He would see Merlin at home.

In the evening Merlin was glued to his mothers side and seemed much better than in school. He ate well and talked to his mother and even to Arthur like nothing had happened. Arthur soon realised that his father didn't know Merlin had left the class early so he didn't mention it either. When Arthur left to do his homework, Merlin still stayed downstairs which was unusual.

Only when Arthur had already showered and changed for the night did Merlin come knocking his door. He seemed happy and he smiled at him sheepishly and apologised for almost making them late at morning. Arthur had totally forgotten that, but he still managed to sound annoyed while telling Merlin to remember his alarm clock or he would wake him next time with a hit on his head.

After Merlin was gone Arthur felt his room a little bit empty. He tried to shake that feeling off, but didn't do very good job on that. 'I wanted him to stay…' The thought was absurd, Merlin was just behind the wall and he was about to sleep… Still… It would be great to just talk with him all night and not having to let him go to his own room. When he thought about this he realised that the time spend with Merlin had been the best part of his weekend. And maybe especially that time they were waiting for Gwen and Elyan just eating ice-cream. When they were alone.

'This is stupid. Stop it now.' He told himself and went to bed. He was physically tired but he still laid awake for a long time before falling asleep. The only dream he could remember when he woke up in the morning was about Merlin smiling at him laying next to him. He woke up when he tried to reach to touch Merlins hair and his alarm went off. He just stared his out stretched hand until his alarm went to snooze automatically. What was happening to him?

* * *

A/N Hello!

Thank you for reading my story, it really warms my heart when I see a new follower of even just visitors. The best of course is when I get a review. I'd like to thank MillaMaxwell12, LightSin24 and especially mersan123 who has reviewed me for every chapter since ch. 2. Thank you so much for your support, without you it would get quite lonely very quickly.

I hope you will continue enjoying my story and if you have anything you'd like to let me know, I would be very grateful for any comment. Review or PM, I'll answer if you have questions and try to better my story with every feedback I get.

Just in case anyone is wondering, I'm planing to update every fourth day, so 1-2 chapters/week. I have already written and edited and proofreader (twice, I'm paranoid for spelling mistakes) until ch.15 and the story is already completed, so the only things that could delay updates are sudden severe illness, spontaneous blindness and death of the internet.

Have a nice week, where ever you are my fellow fan fiction consumer!

-L


	10. Chapter 10 - Summer

It took three weeks for Merlins leg to fully heal. During the first week Merlin learned how much his leg could hurt before he would have to be worried of the wound opening again. He changed the bandage two times, but he only had that much bandages. He briefly thought of stealing more the next monday, but he was sure that someone would notice if he took too much and he was too scared of the possibility of getting caught. Besides, when the monday finally came, his leg was healed enough that it wouldn't bleed anymore if he didn't stretch it purposefully really far, so he didn't really need the bandage that much that he would have taken the risk. At least not right now.

Uther had left him surprisingly alone. On wednesday he had taken hold of Merlins tight making Merlin yelp in pain. To his surprise Uther had actually let go and asked for an explanation. Merlin had made up a story of falling and hitting his leg (was that even possible, he wasn't sure…). Uther had been displeased, but hadn't touched Merlins tight many days after that.

After that week Huniths internship ended and she would be back to the regular school schedule. She was happy to be more home and Merlin was too. At first it almost seemed that Uther would really let him be now that his mother was home, but it only took five days for Uther to come to Merlins room just before midnight. He made Merlin sit on the floor and suck him off while he sat on the edge of Merlins bed. Merlins leg stretched and he was so tense that the wound cracked open partially. When he felt the rip, his jaw tightened and his teeth scratched Uther. Uther made a displeased sound and he had already pulled Merlin up roughly pushing him to the bed, when he saw the red staining Merlins thin pyjama pants.

There was a short silence and Uthers expression was weird. Merlin watched him very intently and he saw Uthers face change to a disgusted one again. He hadn't asked what was wrong with Merlins leg or why and Merlin was sure that he didn't care either way, but he had once more pulled Merlin from his hair to the floor and even if Merlins scalp was burning even after he had stopped vomiting, he felt relieved that Uther hadn't entered him. Now he was actually clad that he had cut himself.

Gwen and Lance seemed to get closer. Merlin had noticed how Gwen was in high spirits very often and when he saw Gwen chatting with Lance after lunch the first time, he knew why. His mood was made worse by this. First of all he was still cautious of Lance even if he was quite sure he had over reacted and he still felt shame for saying such horrible things to Lance. Second, he felt a bit jealous that Lance could make Gwen so happy with few sentences, he wanted to make Gwen smile and happy too. Of course things were entirely different with his and Lances standings in Gwens life, but Merlin only had Gwen and he feared that Lance could replace the little time Merlin could spend with Gwen. Feeling jealous of course made him feel like a lousy friend.

Only when Gwen had chatted to him almost whole lunch one day about what Lance had said to her and so on and so fort, had she said something that made Merlin regret every negative feeling he had had on the theme. "Thank you so much Merlin, for listening to my rambling. You are really the only one I can talk about these kind of things…" That had made Merlins day and he had even squeezed Gwens hand briefly on the table smiling brightly at her. Yeah, he was Gwens friend and even if she got herself a boyfriend, it was not like she would have to forget that Merlin existed. He had been stupid and selfish again.

On the way home when Uthers hand was in his pants once again, Merlin wondered if he was even worth Gwens time really.

* * *

Gwen was slightly worried. Merlin had been acting weird. Weirder than normally. He had seemed like he was hurting or sick or something, but he had refused to admit anything like that to Gwen. Even Lance had asked Gwen if Merlin was alright and Gwen didn't like that. Lance had seemed a bit uncomfortable and when Gwen had asked if Lance had some reason he asked this (Gwens loyalty was still strictly on Merlins side and she wouldn't want to tell about her worries before she knew what was going on and what Merlin wanted to do), Lance had looked even more uncomfortable and he had asked if Merlin had said anything about him. Gwen had been very surprised to hear that and she had needed a moment to think before replying that she had only heard Merlin say positive things about Lance. She blushed a bit confessing this and Lance had looked at her surprise written all over his face. This had made Gwen wonder if Merlin had actually something against Lance he hadn't shared with her.

After Lance had needed to go and Gwen had sat down with Merlin, she had looked at Merlin very carefully while talking about Lance. She started to see it now. Merlin was in a bad mood and mentioning Lance seemed to put him into a worse mood by the second. Gwen faltered a bit with her words and then it hit her, she had been talking about Lance and made Merlin wait for her in the table many days now. She was so happy that she could share these kind of things so naturally with Merlin that she had completely forgot to tell that to Merlin who seemed grumpy, but not in a way that he was angry at Gwen or that he was bored, more like jealous.

She made extra sure that her words couldn't been mistaken as anything else than appreciation and the change in Merlin had been immediate. He had even squeezed Gwens hand, something that made Gwen happy because Merlin rarely did things like that. Not to her or anyone else. Not even Arthur and Gwen could see how close they were.

While walking to the schools library to do her homework where she usually waited for Elyans practice to be over so she could get a ride home, Gwen smiled at herself. She was so fortunate to have found a friend like Merlin. She didn't get along very well with these rich girls, they were too busy of talking what kind of whatever their daddies had bought them this time and fashion and the tone most of the girls spoke about boys just wasn't very fun for Gwen. Merlin was different and while she had gotten a crush on him at one point, it had been replaced by something stronger and more definite. Friendship, a true friendship.

Even if at some point Gwen had also wondered if Merlin could have a crush on her making it all awkward, Merlin had proved that that was not the case. Gwen laughed a little not caring if someone thought she was weird. Merlin really was something. She could see his happy expression after she had thanked him today. No boy with crush would act like that and Gwen felt that their friendship was somehow unique for there was not many boy and girl pair that could keep stuff like love and lust out of their relationship. The fact the she had gotten a crush on Merlin didn't count. She had barely known Merlin then. Gwen sighed when she reached the library. She didn't have much work to do and still she was stuck here for as long as it took for Elyan to finnish. Like every day. She wished that Merlin could stay with her someday and that Gwen could see him smile more. He didn't do that nearly often enough.

* * *

Arthur was lost. He couldn't stop himself from recalling fondly every little thing Merlin did or said. And when he smiled… something was just right in Arthurs universe. After listening boys in his class and his team mates go on and on about girls and crushes and what not for God knows how many years, Arthur wasn't clueless. He knew that this kind of obsession was closer to what normal people had towards girls their age, not for ones step brothers!

For a while Arthur had tried to pay a little bit more attention to what people were talking about the theme, but seriously while someone told about how some porn star had 'huge melons' or how they had seen a 'fine piece of ass' Arthur couldn't care less. He never had, but now he felt he was different from the rest much stronger that he ever had before. He had always been busy and he had just thought that he didn't have time for idling around like that, but now he was busier than ever, but he still seemed to have all the time in the world to try and make Merlin smile at him or even just to sit closer than an arms length from him.

The last one was much harder than it sounded. Arthur had given up totally on trying to just hug Merlin and see if he would get over his obsession. He wasn't sure what Merlin would do if he even tried and actually… these feelings didn't seem so bad. He enjoyed Merlins company and alright, when he wasn't around, Arthur did feel a bit empty, but he could still concentrate and actually he found some new energy on the things he did. Especially if he knew Merlin would find out about them or if he was present. For example when he got full marks on a pop quiz in biology, just seeing Merlin notice it made all the trouble for reading his home works with thought all worth the trouble.

It was just… that sometimes Arthur felt these sudden impulses to touch Merlin when he was near. Like if he was sitting next to him in class, he wanted to reach for his shoulder or if his hand was on the table he wanted to take a hold of it. And his hair… That was like the most bizarre feeling Arthur had ever had in his life. Arthur wanted to touch it. And not just to ruffle, he wanted to feel how Merlins hair really felt like if he touched it slowly stroking and letting Merlins short hair slip trough his fingers… He found all of this absurd and he was clad that it didn't happen too often. He had no idea how others could even function if being interested in girls and dating was anything like this. And directed to half of the worlds population…

Arthur had seen Merlin hold Gwens hand briefly one day when he had taken his tray away and he had felt something close to jealousy. How could Gwen get Merlin to do that? Of course Gwen and Merlin were good friends and Gwen was a girl. Even if Merlin didn't like her that way, it was still much more normal looking to hold her hand than for example Arthurs. He imagined himself actually taking Merlins hand at school and that certainly would have looked weird. At home it would have been maybe a bit different, but then again Merlin was like twice as cautious and tense there and he still rarely got out of his room. Arthur wasn't looking forward for summer. 'I really am weird…' He thought while trying not to feel inferior to Gwen in how close she was to Merlin.

* * *

Uther took Merlin less and less when the school neared its end. When he came to Merlins room, it was always very late and he seemed happy that Merlin was always still awake and studying. He mostly made Merlin take head or some nights he would just make Merlin touch him and tell him how his studying was. Merlin kind of knew that he should be relieved, but having an almost normal conversation while he had to move his hand up and down Uthers thing… that left him shaking and anxious. He was so afraid of slipping from the reality and things like that were just what he didn't need. His memories were a mess and Uthers words rang in his ears making him fear that he was really that delusional and that desperate for perverted things that he actually had imagined some of the things that had happened. He feared school, what if he would slip up in there? He really wanted summer to come so he could just hide from the world. Even if it meant not being able to leave the house.

When the school ended, both Merlin and Arthur had great report cards to show to their parents and Arthur was over the moon. He would get his car and he would start his driving lessons next week. Merlin was happy for him. For once he didn't have to listen Uther to tell Arthur that he would need to do better and the car… that meant that Arthur would be able to leave the house by himself and go anywhere he wanted. Merlin was jealous of that and he wished he had the guts to ask if Arthur would take him out with him.

Merlin had worked hard to get full marks on every subject so Uther wouldn't be angry at him and partly because he wanted to make the best notes ever for Arthur so he would get his car. And while Merlin had been up late in fear of Uther coming to his room and at some nights he hadn't get nearly enough sleep, he managed and the fact that he had thrown up just twice in the last three weeks had done wonders to his appetite and to his weight. The weather was warmer now and Merlin had given up on using two shirts underneath his long sleeved one. It felt weird and exposing at first, but soon liberating. He couldn't even see his ribs so clearly anymore and it felt like a small victory itself.

Huniths school had ended for the year and she was full of energy. The first week of the vacations she had tried to get them all together for some family time and they had even managed to go to the city to see some attractions and eat in a cafe like a normal family. Merlin would have had good time if Uther hadn't been there. He was just too tense in his presence. Arthur had chatted with him happily and that had made Merlin able to act at least a little bit normally even if that was mostly listening Arthur talk.

Uthers work had taken him away of the family soon and eventually Hunith had given up on the 'family time' thing. That suited Merlin just fine. With annual tour on all the business Uther had, he was rarely home. However Merlins good mood couldn't last very long. He didn't know what to do with himself now, that Uther wasn't there to force the direction of his thoughts and he found himself wanting Arthur more than ever. He fought it and he kept in mind his resolution of loving Arthur with no physical means, but it was hard. Arthur seemed to be everywhere and if Merlin let himself relax for even a moment, Arthur was there, sitting next to him or just generally being too close. Merlin was worried. Had Uther been doing him a favour after all? Was him touching Merlin and making him touch Uther the only way Merlin could be satisfied and not yearn for Arthur all the time? The thought hurt.

Merlin couldn't see anything in his future and he was as depressed as ever even if Uther was not home. Being constantly anxious and afraid made him moody and he fought with his mother on weekly basis. Arthur he couldn't even look at on some of the days. It was a mess and Merlin had nothing real to do. Until Arthurs written test for the license started to come nearer.

"Merlin, could you ask me some questions from this?" Arthur said one day Merlin had been loitering around their garden not really having enough energy to do anything. He looked at the pile of paper in Arthurs hand. It wasn't especially thick and it had been bound together with a staple. It was clearly read at least once and not held in a folder judging by the state the front leaf was. Merlin couldn't be bothered. Really, he had no interest in driving whatsoever and even forming a sentence to Arthur needed extra energy. Everything was so arduous nowadays… "Why don't you just read it yourself? It can't be that hard…" He said not paying any attention to the fact that he himself found it too hard a task to actually do.

Arthur sat next to where he was currently lying and Merlin felt his skin tingle and suddenly he had all the energy in the world to use. He tensed and he had to tell himself not to move and especially not look like he cared how close Arthur was. "I have read it. I just want to know what I already know and you can make good questions…sometimes." Arthur told him making Merlin feel proud of himself. Too proud, he told himself. It wasn't like he had done much, it wasn't that special to be able to ask some questions… Merlin sighed. Who he was kidding. He was a sucker for Arthur when he said anything positive about him.

"Alright… Give me that." He took the stack of papers from Arthurs hand feeling his fingers tingle even if Arthurs fingers didn't actually touch them. This was getting old… Merlin felt tiredness like never before. How long would he be this excited of Arthur just sitting next to him? How many times had Arthur already sat next to him and Merlin still wasn't used to it? And still his stupid heart sped up under Arthurs calm, waiting eyes. Merlin sighed again. He opened the pile from random page and corrected his position and while doing that, he edged a bit farther away from Arthur.

After reading few pages he started to ask some standard questions from Arthur who faltered at some, some he got right and some he didn't. There was clearly still much work to do, but when Arthur outstretched his hand to take the stack back, Merlin didn't hand it to him. "This text is ridiculously boring… Let me read it once, I'll make you some notes." Arthur beamed at Merlin and Merlin actually felt some real emotions brake trough his dullness. This was actually something he could do, like when the school was on and the routine made Merlin feel alive again.

The next few weeks he used by reading the text, making notes from it bit by bit, searching answers he didn't get from every source he could and assaulting Arthur with questions at every turn. He had even drawn A4 sized traffic signs and sometimes he would just randomly take one of them out and ask Arthur what he was supposed to do when seeing one.

With this method Arthur was learning fast and Merlin popping from right and left asking him what he was supposed to do or what this or that mean with full of energy made Arthur amused and somehow calmer. In few weeks he knew everything there was to learn. After reading last of Merlins notes he was sure he would pass, but seeing Merlin so much more animate than in the start of the vacations, Arthur had no heart to tell him that this was enough. In reality he didn't mind at all. His driving teacher (a middle-aged man with no apparent humour in him who everyone he had talked to seemed to find too strict) had complemented him for his knowledge and Arthur had found that he was actually a likeable character when he relaxed. Which he did when he felt safe enough being on the passenger seat with a student on a wheel. Arthur found that he saw the point of being strict and he listened his teachers advice with an interest level he had not had before. After a while they could talk about their experiences and just traffic overall. Arthur often told those stories to Merlin afterwards and Merlin seemed interested. Arthur thought that it was mainly because Merlin had nothing to do, he wasn't that interested in driving himself after all.

Arthur had organised summer practices to be on mondays and thursdays for his team. Some days he would ask Merlin to come with him and sometimes Merlin joined him. He was getting to know Arthurs team mates more and more and he could now name most of them. He still wasn't that interested in football even if he had to admit that it was fun to play a bit if the game was not too serious. Lance didn't mind, he encouraged Merlin when ever he chose to play even if Merlin didn't talk to him much. He wondered many times if he should talk to Lance and apologize, but there was never a right time and gradually Merlin decided that it was too late anyway and that Lance had propably already forgotten his harsh words anyway.

Sometimes Gwen would join them and that always made Merlins day. He loved Gwens company and he actually could find himself enjoying her and Lances exchanging glances and Gwen trying to find excuses why she had come this time. Either for Merlin or for her brother, Merlin wasn't sure. "Really Gwen, I'm not making up any stories why I'm here, sitting next to a field where bunch of idiots are kicking a ball, so you don't have to make one for me either. Save those for your brother." He said once when Gwen was again babbling something about her having to take care that Elyan would remember that they were going to visit their grand parents after the practices. Gwen had blushed and admitted that Merlin was right. She was being stupid.

Merlin had grinned at that and joked how of course he was right, but at the same time he had felt that he wasn't really one to talk. He had half waited for Gwen to ask why he was there and he was half prepared to actually tell her how lonely he had been, but as the question never came, Merlin didn't bring up the subject. He kind of felt that he had no right to complain if Gwen didn't ask first.

* * *

Half of the summer holidays were already behind and Arthurs birthday party was nearing. His birthday was actually in late spring, but with the end of the year and after that Uthers work, Uther had decided that they would celebrate almost two months late. He had rented a space for the party and he had invited everyone from his business circles and all Arthurs team mates that had some social standing. Like Oliver whose family was mostly lawyers and doctors and Lee whose mother was a politician. Vivian and his father were also coming, but Arthur had reminded Merlin that he shouldn't talk to her when her father was precent.

Merlin didn't like this kind of things very much. He found it bizarre how Arthur had no say on how he would like to spend his birthday and how many of the quests were some old farts from Uthers company or some 'important' associations. Merlin couldn't care less. In a way he had a feeling that he would have been blown away if he had seen this all when he still lived with just his mother and now that he had been living in the city for so long, maybe he had been used to all this so nothing was enough? Maybe he was just picky.

But didn't have to dwell in the thought of being picky for long. When it was the date of the party and Merlin had dressed himself to the suit he had used last year on him mothers wedding (a taylor had done something to his trousers and sleeves to make them longer, he had grown some from the last year), Hunith came to his room and she straightened Merlins tie. Merlin had put on his tie pin and Hunith smiled at that. "Would you want this kind of party when you turn 16?" She asked while her fingers moved Merlins tie to a straighter position.

At first Merlin didn't know what to say. Would his mother be disappointed if he told that he didn't want this kind of party or that he felt this all was just a big circus show to let Uthers business partners see how much Arthur had accomplished? He hesitated but when Hunith rose her gaze, Merlin had to smile a little. "No way I would want to play a decoration in my birthday party." Hunith laughed softly at Merlins comment and Merlin felt a real happy smile form. He and his mother, they could still understand each others and even if they lived in this money filled world now, they still had those memories from a small village. From a house with no real heating and the constant saving and simple life.

After that he and his mother had talked lightly how tacky and exaggerated the whole party was. Hunith promised that Merlin would get a quiet birthday and even while the guests were coming in, she and Merlin spend most of the time together, listening how Uther bragged his son to everyone and smiling with amusement how simple these people were in a very different way than the country people in their village.

At first Merlin had generally good time in Arthurs party. Not only had he managed to relax in his mothers company the same way he had been able a long time ago, but he had felt like he was a bit above this kind of fuss. He couldn't talk with Arthur much because he was busy of talking with every single one of Uthers associates, but then again Uther had made Arthur the centre of the attention so there were many changes for Merlin to just look at Arthur who sat in the same table as he did. He normally didn't dare to do that much because he was so scared of Arthur, or Uther or anybody in that matter, noticing how he looked at him. But staring the centre of attention wasn't that uncommon right? Only when Merlin found a small smile play on his lips after he had toned a boring speech out of his conscious brain and stared at Arthurs chest, he turned to look at anything else than Arthur. He had let himself relax too much.

After they had eaten the main course, Arthur had to leave the table and Merlin let his mind wander. This really was like a play, made for Uthers goals of how Arthurs life should go. Oliver came to talk to Merlin briefly at one point and Merlin appreciated the gesture. Oliver was also dressed in a suit but he looked much more comfortable and natural than Merlin. Somehow even dressing in a suit didn't make Oliver look serious or stiff, like it made Merlin feel. Merlin had to wonder how different everyone of Arthurs friends looked in this formal setting. He watched especially Lee, who normally looked like a half boiled spagethi for he was thin and with the exception when he played he had a lazy posture. Now, however his posture was flawless and he looked taller and his shoulders broader. His suit fit him perfectly and his unusually bright coloured turquoise dress shirt went beautifully with his black hair and Merlin suspected that his mother knew a thing or two about making good and lasting impressions with clothing. Merlin wished he could look like he fitted in here too.

After a while Merlin sighed and turned back to face the table he had been sitting in and was about to make his way back to sit when he found himself looking straight into Uthers eyes. Merlins blood froze and he went pale. Uther didn't say or do anything, but his gaze was cold and Merlin knew those eyes too well. He wanted to somehow tell Uther that he hadn't been looking at Lee like that. That he had only admired how natural he looked. That he had mostly been wondering if a coloured shirt would suit him better than the white he was currently wearing. But he couldn't. Uther soon turned his gaze and started to talk with someone and left the table. Still Merlin couldn't make himself to move towards the table before his mother and Arthur had sat before him when the coffee and dessert were served.

The rest of the party Merlin tried to act natural and he made a point of not looking any male under 60 years old longer than few seconds. He had even tried to focus on the women in the party, but he had stopped that when he had apparently been looking too long at Vivians dress with mild curiosity and he had spotted Vivians father eyeing at his direction suspicion written all over his face. Did he really look that threatening? He had no idea and he wasn't sure if looking at women would help his case at all when Uther already knew that he didn't like women and the only thing he could pray was that Uther hadn't noticed him staring at Arthur. Merlin couldn't even think what would happen if Uther ever found out how Merlin felt about his precious son.

After the dessert Uther made a sure that everyone saw how he gave Arthur a key to his new car that would arrive on their front door tomorrow and that everyone got that Arthur needed the car because he was the captain of the football team that had won the second place in this years mach. Merlin glanced at Arthur then, it felt more suspicious not to look at his direction when everyone else was. Arthur was happy of the car, but Merlin could see he was a bit uneasy the compliments of how well he had done in the licence test. Arthur glanced at Merlin and Merlin smiled at him a bit. Arthur seemed to relax then and he returned to the smile widely before thanking his father with the smile still on his face.

Merlin had to look away again, he felt a tiny blush on his cheeks. Maybe Arthur had been wondering if Merlin also should get some of the credit? He had worked a lot for Arthurs drivers test after all… That thought made Merlin feel a bit better for a while, but when the party neared its end, Merlin started to feel afraid again. Would Uther come today? Or tomorrow if he didn't want to at the night of Arthurs birthday? Either way it was the same for Merlin.

On their way home in a taxi, Merlin squeezed in between his mother and Arthur, his mind kept flashing him pictures of what he might have to face in just few hours after his mother was asleep. He knew his body wasn't used to being penetrated and that it would hurt like hell. His stomach was turning and the four course meal they had eaten, didn't help. If Uther would make Merlin suck him tonight, there would be a lot to vomit. Merlin didn't even notice how Arthurs side was squeezed against his until Arthur climbed out of the taxi and the contact was lost. Merlin felt sudden coldness and he shivered in the night air. Still, he didn't want to go inside the house.

Uther and Hunith soon retired to their room for the night and Merlin and Arthur made their way upstairs. When Arthur heard the door of his fathers bedroom close, he finally had a change to talk with Merlin freely. He turned to look at Merlin who looked tired and Arthur smiled at him brightly. "Well, that was something, wasn't it? I can't wait to see you try surviving that." He said with a grin. He was in a great mood after he had been able to just enjoy his ride home, he had mainly ignored everything and concentrated on taking in how it felt to be squeezed to Merlins side.

Merlin had to rise his gaze to meet Arthurs and he smiled a bit. "Don't count on that. Mother already promised me that I don't have to do that." Arthurs grin faltered a little, but then he smiled a real smile. "Good. I don't want to spend my Christmas teaching you how to socialise with all the quest, seriously, you were so gloomy the whole night I thought that you didn't have fun in my birthday party." Merlin didn't know what to say. He tried to find a way to deny that he hadn't enjoyed the party, but then he saw Arthurs grin and he understood, Arthur would have preferred some other kind of party too. "In my old home we would just invite all the friends over and just eat some cake and do something fun." He said and Arthur made a comment of it sounding like little kids party, but Merlin just wondered if Arthur had ever had kids party even when he had been a kid and was not offended at all.

Merlin wished the time would stop right now. So he could just stand here in the corridor with Arthur forever and never face Uther. But of cource that wouldn't happen. He was tired and he wanted to sleep, but he knew that wasn't an option. He couldn't just sleep when Uther might come in the middle of the night. "Hey, would you like to go to a drive with me tomorrow when I get my car?" Arthur asked cheerfully at some point and Merlin had to smile. "If you promise me that you really can drive, I would hate to die because you forgot to check the dead ankle…" Arthur had failed to list checking the dead ankle at least hundred times when Merlin had questioned him and it had been mostly a joke in the end.

Arthur made a face at Merlin who just smiled a bit wider. Why couldn't he just be with Arthur like this? Why did he have to be so afraid that Uther would hear him talking with Arthur for too long or too happy or what ever? It wasn't that he had any ulterior motives right now. Merlins smile faltered. He couldn't pretend right now, he was too tired and too worried for that. Arthur sighed at Merlin dramatically not noticing Merlin mood and smiled again. "I'll take that as a 'yes'." he said and then his smile widened and Merlin saw his eyes sparkle. "I can't wait tomorrow! I want to see which kind of car it is…" Arthur only new the brand, not the model. So Arthur hadn't noticed Merlins mood and his happiness made Merlin happy and for a moment he felt that he couldn't wait for tomorrow either. Only when he heard some sound coming from downstairs he snapped back to his reality. "I'm going to sleep now. Happy birthday, Arthur." He said suddenly feeling the corridor too open.

Arthur jawed and nodded "Thanks, You better wake up tomorrow when the car comes, I don't want to wait your lazy ass the whole day." He said lightly and Merlin rolled his eyes at him at the same time he turned to go to his room. He heard Arthur open and close his door and Merlin was alone again. He hated this feeling. All sense of security was gone and now he couldn't look forward tomorrow anymore, he had just the fear of what would happen before that.

* * *

The wait wasn't long. Merlin had just taken his tie off and placed the tie pin to its holder when Uther opened his door. Merlin turned around with fright, he hadn't expected Uther to come this early. When Uther locked his door, Merlin already knew what was going to happen, but he still couldn't comprehend it. It felt too weird on the night of Arthurs birthday.

Uther stepped closer to Merlin and when he was close enough, he took a hold of Merlins shoulder and turned him around making his back press against Uthers chest his hands maiking their way to Merlins belt. Merlin was petrified. He could smell alcohol in Uthers breath and Merlin felt nausea rise its ugly head. Uther opened Merlins pants and slid them down just enough to put his hand in Merlins boxers. "I'm happy that you helped my son with his studies, this will be you reward." Uther whispered into Merlins ear making him shudder. 'Reward' didn't sound anything that Merlin associated this with. He was also confused, he had been so sure that Uther was here because he had seen Merlin stare Arthurs friend. What was this sudden 'I'm happy with you' crap?

Uther pushed Merlin towards his bed. Merlin didn't want to go there, he wasn't prepared at all and he was so, so afraid of the pain and… He held his ground and refused to lie to his bed. He took a hold on the edge of the bed when Uther pushed at him and kept his hands straight. He had more strength nowadays because he had been eating better and gotten some exercise. For a small moment he felt a little bit of victory that Uther couldn't just push him around as he pleased anymore, but Uther didn't seem to mind, he caressed Merlins behind while Merlin was leaning to his bed and Merlin could just stare at the bed not really seeing it. He had prevented Uther from pushing him to it, but now their position was lewd. He started to shake again and his strength was gone.

Uther lowered Merlins boxers some more and Merlin saw him take the lube from his drawer. He felt like crying. He bit his lip until he tasted blood and Uther caressed his entrance with cold fingers. The suit he had on felt too tight. It wasn't meant to bend to this kind of position and Merlin hated it. He wasn't naked and that should have made him feel better but the suit that Uther had bought for him felt repulsive. "I saw you enjoyed looking at Arthurs friends hmm? You wished to have them on top of you, fucking you?" Uther panted in Merlins ear and thrusted two fingers in Merlin at the word 'fucking'.

Merlin whimpered and bit his lip again and lowered his head. He found small comfort on the fact that he hadn't thought anything like that about Arthurs friends. That meant Uther couldn't see inside his head after all. But of course he couldn't feel himself innocent when he had used every opportunity to watch Arthur _exactly_ like that. Uther moved his fingers too quickly and Merlin could keep himself from trying to escape just by distracting himself with the pain in his bleeding lip. The taste of blood felt fresh after Uthers breath and Merlin wished he could again bleed more so he didn't have to take this.

Uther banged him hard and caressed Merlin while doing it, but there was not much reaction. After Uther came in Merlin with a grunt, he actually had some napkins to press on Merlins entrance. 'For not to dirty the suit' Merlin realised. After Uther had gone, Merlin was left with his now sweaty and wrinkled suit. He teared every part of it off as quickly as he could. When his dress shirt, jacket and trousers alongside his boxers and socks were on the floor, Merlin sank. His breath was ragged and he hated everything. He wanted to do some damage. To anything. He wished he could throw this suit out of the window, but of course he couldn't. The only thing he knew he could damage was himself, but the amount of pain he felt already made him unable to even think of the possibility long enough to actually do something.

'It will start again…' He thought and he hugged his knees while leaning to his bed. He wasn't prepared and he didn't want to be. He felt few tears roll down his eyes and he hated them. When he felt a tear drop to his knee, he scratched it angrily until it hurt. He did the same for every new tear he felt running down his neck or drop in to his hands or legs. Just the face he left alone and just brushed the tears off angrily. He had that much sense left that he realised that his mother would ask questions if he showed up to breakfast tomorrow morning with scratch marks on his cheeks.

After he had scratched many long red marks on his skin, Merlin felt slightly better, but not by much. He hated the time ahead of him and not even the thought of how he could spend time with Arthur tomorrow, could make him feel like tomorrow coming was a good thing. If just the time could stop for him. But eventually he got cold naked in the floor and Merlin forced himself up and to shower.

When he stood up from where he had been sitting behind his bed, he felt exposed and he ran to the bathroom and locked the door. He needed something solid in between the rest of this household and himself. His mother could get angry at him for all he cared. The hot shower water burned his cold skin and made his scratches sting, but Merlin just scratched the areas some more. He felt his pain was better than his fear and the first seemed to distract him from the second.

Merlin stayed awake for a long time. The time would go slower that way. He just laid on his couch and concentrated on the sting on his skin. Eventually he must have fallen asleep because he woke up when the sun hit his face early in the morning. He normally didn't wake up to light, but he hadn't been sleeping very soundly. He remembered what Arthur had said last night and he didn't want to be found from his couch by Arthur again, so he made himself get up.

After finding a shirt that hid most of his scratches and putting on a neckerchief to hide the rest, Merlin sat on the couch and tried to think of something, anything he could do now that he couldn't help Arthur study for any tests. Could he ask Arthur to take him to a library? There he could find something to read, but that didn't sound too exciting and really Merlin couldn't remember what he had used to do for fun anymore. Only things that popped into his head were impossible here. Like going to stroll into a forest or going to swim in a nearby lake with Will. Will… he hadn't called him for a while now… Merlin decided to do that later at least. And maybe he could also call Gwen now and then. But in two hours of waiting, that was all he got.

* * *

A/N Hello! Many thanks for MillaMaxvell12, Skypeoplephoenix732 and of cource mersan123 for reviews, you make me look forward to update new chapters and make my days!

I especially enjoyed mersan123 review and I have to answer you that I feel the same. I am also disapointed with Hunith right now. I really enjoyed her character in the show and her and Merlins relationship was very nice to watch, so while I have been writing this story, I have tried to make excuses for her like 'She doesn't want to nag at Merlin, he has always told her if something was wrong' or 'She's really busy and tries her hardest to make this relationship work while she is not exactly sure if she's in love' or 'She has talked to her friends in school and they all have told her not to worry so much', but really, you are right, there is no excuse for not noticing something like that happening under your very eyes. I am also very dissapointed to Merlins school. I have been a teacher for six years now, and while problems like that are not nearly as easy to spot when you are trying to manage with a large group of teenagers, there should be some signs and any teacher can offer an ear and recommend a visit for a school nurse at the very least. But I will get back to that later...

I hope you enjoyed the chapter, I promise the next one will not be as depressing as this was!

Untill sunday! Have a nice week!

-L


	11. Chapter 11 - The mall

Arthur woke up just before his alarm went off. He was excited so he rose up immediately. Right now he loved his life. He changed and practically danced out of his room and only collected his posture when he saw his fathers slightly disapproving face. Still, when Arthur seemed to calm down, Uther smiled at him. That didn't happen very often, bur Arthur wasn't too surprised. He had heard his father brag him to right and left last night and he recalled very vividly how Merlin had told him that his father actually was proud of him. Now, that he had really heard it from his father, Arthurs felt his hard work had been all worth it.

"Come sit with me son, we will have some breakfast and after that, your car should arrive." Arthur smiled brightly and joined his father for breakfast. They ate and commented on the people in the party. Arthur didn't even mind when his father said some comments on Oliver that could have been mistaken as not so flattering. He could see past them. His father had allowed Arthur to invite him and his comments on how well mannered some of his other friends had been, made it all up for Arthur.

"Father, I was wondering that maybe I could go and try out my new car today?" He asked naturally when his father mentioned the car again. Uther didn't even hesitate before answering "Of course, it's good to get used to it right away and having a licence just means that you are allowed to practice driving alone now." Arthur beamed at him "I should go to a bit longer drive then." He still continued smoothly and when Uther nodded at him approvingly, Arthur couldn't help but grin.

"My friend mentioned me this new sports store yesterday. It's quite far away, but now that I need practice, it wouldn't be a waste of time to go there." Uther looked at his son in the eye, but Arthur knew his expressions, he wasn't dismissing the idea. "I agree, where is this place?" Arthur gave him a brief explanation hoping that his father wouldn't check it up. Arthur had visited the store with Elyan half a year ago.

Uther nodded at Arthurs explanation and gave him a permission to go. Normally Arthur would have quit while he had the permission and no risk of his father changing his mind, but today the whole point was to get Merlin to come with him. He wanted to spend time with him and preferably outside the house. It felt like there was not really a point getting some time for himself if he couldn't spend it with Merlin.

"I could take Merlin with me, I'm sure he has some place he would like to visit too. We could have lunch on the way." Arthur had no reason to think that there was anything wrong with his statement, but he was still nervous. He tried to conceal it by taking a sip of his coffee. Uther looked up from his newspaper he had started to read and Arthur knew that now his father was suspicious. Arthur had crossed that invisible line where he would have to make excuses for himself.

"Any particular place he would want to go?" Uther asked with a tone that suggested that this was way more serious matter than Arthur thought it was. "I'm not sure, but I would guess either library or a bookstore. There is a huge bookstore in the same complex than the sports store." Arthur held his breath. He realised that his father could notice how he seemed to know what was nearby the sports store he had never supposedly gone. Great. This was why he normally stopped when he still could.

Uther didn't seem satisfied. If Arthur hadn't grown up in this household and if he hadn't seen how his father had been with Morgana when she had been about as old as Arthur was now, he would have found this kind of unwillingness to let a 15 years old boy out of the house in a middle of a day with his step brother who had a car and a licence to be a weird behaviour, but before Arthur could start to wonder, why was his father so strict of Merlin leaving the house, Uther sighed and folded his paper.

"Arthur, I want you to understand that he is not like you. Merlin has grown in a remote, small village. He could get lost or he could get in trouble." Arthur blinked. His father sounded uncharacterly worried and Arthur felt a bit warm inside. Maybe his father really _did_ see Merlin as his second son. "Don't worry father, I'll be with him and I won't let him get lost." He said lightly and Uther again smiled at him. "I'll trust you on that then. I'll give you some money to eat out, but I expect you back by dinner time."

Arthur beamed at his father. He had to concentrate on keeping still and when they heard the doorbell ring, Arthur had to tell his father that he would go to wake Merlin up so he wouldn't give away how ridiculously happy he was right now. He rose the stairs two steps at a time and he knocked Merlins door and opened it before Merlin would have any change to actually answer it.

To his surprise Merlin was already dressed, lying on his couch and talking to his cell. "…and terrible manners I tell you. I have to go, have a prat on my doorway right now… Hmm, tell your mother too. Bye." Merlin ended the call and put his cell away before looking at Arthur. "What can I do for you this early in the morning?" He asked sarcastically, but Arthur was just happy to see Merlin like he normally was and not like he had been in the beginning of the summer, passive and bored and moody. He grinned "Come on, my car is here and we are going out! Take your purse and whatever, we'll eat out!" Arthur beamed and he jogged to pull Merlin up from the couch not caring at all of the unhappy sound Merlin made when he pulled him up by his arm.

Arthur jogged the way he had come happily and Merlin was left to just look at the now open door. What in the world… Going out and to eat… that sounded awesome. A bit unnerving, but just… Merlin couldn't find words how utterly tempting that sounded. And Uther had given them permission to go? Merlin would believe when he saw that.

It felt almost scary to exit his room with his wallet with him. He felt vulnerable and if it would turn out that he couldn't go after all, Merlin felt like he would give up on even trying to believe that there was anything good in this world. But Arthur had seemed so- just so happy and it made Merlins heart beat with hope. He took a deep breath before stepping outside. Uther was there looking pleased and Arthur was listening to some details of the car. Merlin could tell it was expensive and red. And that was about as much as he cared to know.

He toned down Arthur and the person who had bought the car here and concentrated on Uther. He seemed pleased and even when he turned to look at Merlin, he didn't seem like he normally did. 'He really does love Arthur. In his own way.' Merlin found this thought a bit disturbing. Oh how much he wished that he could just loath everything in Uther, but no. He was Arthurs father and Merlins mother and clearly Arthurs mother had seen something in him that Merlin just couldn't most of the time. But what was important now, was that Merlin couldn't see immediate danger. Arthur had finished talking and was now looking at every part of his new car. Merlin would have smiled if Uther was't there. He didn't even dare to look at Arthur more than a second at a time in fear of Uther noticing him staring like yesterday.

Merlin had called Will a bit too early for him to be awake yet and he had not been disappointed by Wills grumbling how Merlin didn't have any sense of time. They had been talking almost half an hour, Will soon getting excited to be able to talk with his best friend after a while. Merlin hadn't picked up his cell for weeks now. He had been too tired or too ashamed to talk to his friend, but now he couldn't understand why in the world had he done that. Talking with Will had made him feel like himself again and he had given him strength to act normally with Arthur. It felt reassuring and the world had focused a bit around him. He wasn't as excited as Arthur about going out, but he thought that he might be just the moment when they couldn't see the house again.

"Merlin! Lets go! We have a long drive ahead of us!" Arthur yelled at him and Merlin turned to look at him. He glanced at Uther who looked like he had expected this. So they _did_ have a permission to go. "Merlin, I want you to stay close to my son and keep your cell phone with you. Arthur is in charge, remember that." Merlin took in every word Uther said and tried to find hidden meanings or anger in them, but he found none. Maybe Uther really was pleased with him for teaching Arthur? Was this his real reward?

Merlin nodded slowly and when Uther turned to walk back inside, Merlin started to move towards the car. Arthur had opened the front door for him and Merlin stepped in the car stiffly. After he had closed the door and fastened his seatbelt, Arthur started the car and when Merlin saw the familiar scenery roll by, he finally relaxed and smiled like there was no tomorrow.

The ride was a bit quiet because Arthur had to concentrate on driving and Merlin was happy to leave him to it and just enjoy Arthurs smooth driving and the scenery unfamiliar to him. The car started to feel safe and comfortably closed from the world outside the window. Merlin also found that he understood surprisingly well what Arthur was doing and why. Just in theory of course, but still. Arthur teased Merlin of how little he knew about cars and Merlin replied sarcastically at him. Partly because he didn't care about how large engine the car had or what ever and partly because he wanted to cover up his uneasiness. Wasn't cars one of the things every man was supposed to be interested of? Would someone guess he's gay if he didn't like cars? Maybe he should read some basic info at least and pretend to be interested? But the thought felt too tiresome and he couldn't make himself to care right now.

The shopping complex Arthur wanted to go was huge. Merlin had never seen anything like it. It wasn't a mall. It was like ten malls build on top of each others. The ride had taken them almost 45 minutes but some of the time had gone because Arthur had gotten a wrong turn once. Merlin didn't say anything, Arthur didn't look like he would appreciate the teasing. He was really trying hard to drive well and it was quite exciting to drive alone and to a place he had never rode himself before.

When they had parked Arthur glanced at Merlin. He felt proud of himself and he kind of hoped that Merlin would compliment him of his driving and he was a tad disappointed when Merlin just took of his seatbelt and exited the car.

Inside the shopping complex Merlin was blown away. There was a huge round shaped centre one could see six stories up and the ceiling was made of glass so he could see the blue summer sky trough it. They started by just idly going around the first floor and then moved to the second. The sports store was in a different wing and Arthur knew how to go there trough the second floor, but in their way there was a huge bookstore. Merlin didn't know if he could ask Arthur to go inside, but he didn't have to when Arthur beat him to it. "You want to go take a look?" He asked not even really listening if Merlin would answer and walked to the store Merlin following him quickly.

It was something Merlin had been waiting to see in the city, a bookstore big like the school library, just with more colourful books. His dull depressed mood was wiped away and he went from shelve to another while Arthur slowly followed him with a small smile on his lips. This was what he had wanted to see. Merlin could spend here hours and with anyone else, Arthur would have been bored to death in minutes, but while he followed Merlin around, he felt like he was learning something new about Merlin and he found himself interested in which kind of book Merlin would pick and which kind of books he liked. Merlin soon started to happily chat with Arthur of what books he already had, what books he had read and what book someone named Will had. Arthur vaguely remembered Merlin mentioning his childhood friend and neighbour from his home village. It hadn't interested him much before, but now he felt something close to uneasiness or maybe just a hint of jealous of how happy Merlin sounded while talking about him.

In the end Merlin found himself five new books. Two of them he told he had loaned from Will and read a long time ago. The rest he had found from the best seller and fantasy shelf. Arthur told him to reserve them because he wouldn't want to carry them around for the whole day and Merlin did just that.

The sports store was a bit dull for Merlin and Arthur didn't have anything special he needed to buy so he was mostly just strolling around. Merlin wished he had bought at least one of the books so he could occupy himself with reading, but on the other hand he knew he would want to save as much as possible to home. 'Home…' Merlin shuddered at the thought. Did he really have to go back there? Couldn't he just disappear somewhere here and never leave? He sighed again feeling a bit tired. He looked at Arthur who was currently collecting some new shorts to try. He looked so happy and carefree and Merlin couldn't help but feel that he was far away from Arthur. Like he was in a different dimension. Here he stood close to Arthur but it almost felt like if he would try to touch Arthur, his hand would go right trough him. He wished he was just as normal as Arthur was.

When Arthur went to try the shorts on, Merlin walked out of the store. He couldn't act normal anymore and he seriously didn't want to wait Arthur to change and potentially ask his opinion of the new shorts. Merlin was sure he would give himself away in his mental state if he would have to look Arthur up and down and comment on his whatever he wanted to buy.

Next to the sports store was a railing and Merlin leaned on to it and looked down. He could see the floor below and when he looked up, he saw few floors up. He briefly wondered if anyone had ever killed themselves by jumping from the last floor and he thought back to the round centre of the building. He wondered if he could jump himself, but the thought wasn't very serious. Still he saw the possibility and suddenly life felt much more thinner and fragile than he had seen it before. He pushed himself off the railing and went back inside the store. He wouldn't want Arthur to get annoyed at him.

In the store he saw Arthur immediately. He was clearly trying to find Merlin so Merlin quickly sat down on one of the benches next to the doorway. Eventually one annoyed looking Arthur found him and Merlin tried to look like he had been there all the time bored while his heart hammered in his chest. He didn't want to cause trouble for Arthur and Arthur looking him like that made his heart hurt. Being in love truly was not easy.

"The hell you disappeared like that! You could have at least told me you wanted to sit down. I have been looking for you like an idiot!" Arthur complained and Merlin could just lower his gaze to ground. He came up with some sarcastic replies, but he couldn't make himself actually say them. "I'm just a bit hungry thats all…" He tried. He knew that him mentioning food and eating made Arthurs mood better most of the time even if he had no idea why. It didn't fail him this time either and Arthurs expression softened. "I'l just pay these and then we can find something to eat." He said most of his annoyance forgotten and he left Merlin to go to pay some clothes in his hand.

While Arthur was gone Merlin tried to psyche himself to act more cheerful and normal and he found some strength to it by telling himself that they would not go home anytime soon. That he should just concentrate on enjoying his alone time with Arthur. 'But not too much, remember you are just friends… step-brothers…' God this was tiring.

They found a nice looking nepalese restaurant and Merlin actually found himself quite hungry. He hadn't eaten breakfast after all. They ordered different things so they could share and the homy and warm environment together with excellent and different food started to get to Merlin so much that he had to remind himself of not getting ahead of himself more often than act cheerful. His and Arthurs conversation started to roll like it normally did and Merlin loved it. He saw hope in his resolution once more. Right now it just felt that he could actually stay by Arthurs side like this.

"So, we still have a lot of time, what do you want to do? There is almost everything here. If I remember correctly there is even a movie theatre…" Arthur said at one point. Merlin had to pause himself for a moment. Movies with Arthur sounded… too many things at once. He soon labeled the idea too risky even if it sounded tempting and not just because of the date like setting but because he had been in movies like twice in his life. "I don't know… It's your 'birthday', you pick." Merlin left the deciding to Arthur still wishing he would say 'movies'.

Arthur seemed to think. He wanted to do something that would make Merlin happy, he hadn't seen Merlin happy enough. He still seemed somewhat tired and just not entirely present. "I remember you mentioning something about cake and fun for birthday… I have never had that kind of birthday so tell me, what do you do for fun." Arthur genuinely wanted to know and Merlin blushed a little to that. He felt happy that Arthur was interested in him.

"Well, it's not much that we can do here… In summer we would sometimes go to the lake with boats or just to swim and have a picnic on the shore. Once when Ted had a birthday party, his dad drove us all to a ride with his truck and he even let us try the wheel. It was cool. My birthday we usually stayed inside or had a snow fight in the nearby forrest. It's not like we had much anything like this there." He told as his memories played in his head. He must have smiled fondly because Arthur asked him "Do you miss it?"

Merlin snapped his eyes briefly at Arthur and he had to think. He knew that he wouldn't fit in his old home anymore. He had always felt the village a bit too small for him and now he wasn't a child anymore. As much as he would have wanted to be, he just wasn't anymore and the things he had enjoyed back then wouldn't have the same meaning anymore. And even if he had the opportunity to go back, he knew that he would have to hide there too who he was. Just there he would know everyone and hiding would be much more difficult than in here with no change of ever finding anyone like him. But still… did he fit here either? Probably not. Would he ever fit anywhere? He didn't know.

"Come on stop pretending to be interesting, tell me." Arthur kicked Merlin under the table lightly an amused smile playing on his lips. Merlin frowned a bit. Mostly to the topic, but at least Arthur had given him a reason to look displeased. "Not really." He answered shortly. It was true. He mostly missed times that would never come back. "Why? Wasn't it your home?" Arthur asked now interested. Merlin looked sideways and shrugged. "I just don't really fit in anymore." He said sounding only a bit annoyed. "I would like to find a place I do…" He continued with a much quieter tone. He hadn't intended to say that out loud, but somehow he had.

Arthur was serious now. There had been many times when Merlin had listened and helped him with his problems and this was the first time he felt that he was closer of hearing something truly personal.

"Had any luck yet?" He asked and wished Merlin would smile at him and say 'yes'. That he felt as much at home with Arthur as Arthur felt with him. But Merlin just continued to look sideways and said with a bland tone "I'm not sure yet." It hurt to hear that, but Arthur had asked hadn't he? "Eat you food and we'll go get some cake. There should be a bakery downstairs." Arthur changed the subject and hoped that his hurt hadn't transformed into annoyance in his tone. Merlin nodded and continued eating.

* * *

Soon they were on their way and they found a bakery with cafe attached and Arthur felt a bit better when he saw Merlins eyes lit at the hand made pastries. They chose far too many things to try and in the end they had to take most of them with them. "Lets eat some tomorrow in the garden, father doesn't have to know about it." Arthur said and winked making Merlin grin and something was again right in Arthurs universe.

Merlin felt better. Somehow getting to say something that troubled him out loud and having Arthur listen to him had bettered his mood and he felt much more in balance and more confident with being around Arthur. The cakes were delicious and the thought of having more of them tomorrow somehow made even returning to the house feel less horrible. Even if every silver lining Merlin had in his life seemed to come with a cloud, the silver linings were still there.

When the time they should leave was getting nearer, they visited the bookstore and bought everything Merlin had reserved. In a way Merlin enjoyed the feeling of being able to use his own money (he hadn't done that many times yet). When they were walking to the car, Merlin had a bag full of books, the sports clothes and a new football Arthur had bought for Merlin on an impulse to carry while Arthur balanced a box with the pastries while trying to find his car key from his pocket.

Merlin wasn't so sure what had actually happened, but they had just put everything on the truck and they were laughing about something or the other when suddenly Arthur wrapped his arms around him. At first Merlin froze. He had no idea what was happening and in worst case scenario he had lost his touch of reality again, but Arthurs embrace felt so warm and so sweet and God Merlin had wanted to feel this for so many times…

He hesitantly bought his arms up to return the hug, careful that he wouldn't slip to anything else than just a friendly hug. His breath was slightly quicker than normally and he knew he was blushing, but fortunately Arthur couldn't see that right now. "Thanks Merlin, I had fun." Arthur mumbled to Merlins neck making him shiver slightly. He was few centimetres taler than Arthur (which irked Arthur to no end) and so when Arthur hugged him, Merlin could feel Arthurs hair against his cheek. It was too much…

Merlin patted Arthurs back hoping to seem normal and Arthur pulled back grinning at him and starting to babble something or another about the things they had done or maybe what ever they had been talking about previously. Merlin had no idea what and he was just happy that Arthur wasn't looking at him right now. He felt at least ten shades redder than he normally was. He could feel warm glow on his skin where Arthur had touched him and he felt this bitter sweet feeling drumming inside of him. It was a miracle that he managed to seem indifferent and normal even if he did edge himself as far from Arthur as possible while still sitting in the front seat.

Arthur was in deep trouble. He knew that now. They had been walking towards his car. His very own car (!), and Merlin had laughed at something Arthur had said and smiled at him brightly and Arthur had felt that this was the best birthday, hell even a day, that he had ever had. Not only how his father had told him how proud he really was about him just yesterday, not only the car and the freedom it would bring to his life, but this carefree day alone with Merlin. When Merlins hands were free, Arthur didn't really think much, he just threw his arms around Merlin and hugged him tightly. Merlin had stiffened at first and Arthur had felt a small bang in his heart, but when Merlin relaxed and hugged him back… Arthur felt that he wanted to just stay like this.

Embracing Merlin, his hands were on Merlins shoulders so he could feel the ends of Merlins hair touch just slightly his hand and he wanted so much to have Merlin on his lap and cares his hair softly. Merlin smelled nice and Arthur had to concentrate on not taking a deep breath and nuzzle to his best friends neck.

Arthur knew that the hug was way too long to be normal so he tried to cover it up with actually thanking Merlin for once. He felt a bit vulnerable saying something like that so straight forwardly but at the same time he felt a bit proud of himself for actually opening his mouth for once.

Soon after Merlin tensed slightly and patted Arthurs back awkwardly and Arthur took it as a sign that he should let go of Merlin right now or preferably half a minute ago, so he did. Merlin looked a bit uneasy and Arthur tried to act like nothing had happened at all. It worked so-so but after driving five minutes blabbering about how easy it was to drive with his new car and silence from Merlins part him sitting practically glued to the side window, Arthur sighed.

"Merlin, I know that you don't like it when people touch you, but it's not like I bit you or something. It was just a hug…" Arthur said even if 'just' didn't come anywhere near what it had felt for him. He was painfully aware that his want to be around Merlin and his pseudo crush on him was actually an actual crush and it was slowly sinking in what that really meant. He knew he would have a lot to think once he was alone. For once he was happy that he was good at pushing matters further in time and concentrate on the task in hand. Normally that just caused him to push some important stuff to think further and further until he found himself so irritated that he for example trashed his room.

Merlin moved a bit uneasily but looked at him apologetically. "I guess you are right. You just never did that before… I was just surprised." He mumbled _almost_ meeting Arthurs eyes. "Haven't I really?" Arthur asked even thought he knew full well that he hadn't. Merlin blushed a bit and shook his head. 'Pretty…' Arthur thought and shook his own head slightly to get it in order. Having a crush really was a frightening thing. No wonder his team mates were all over the place at times.

"I have seen you hug Gwen plenty of times, isn't that the same?" Arthur asked out of curiosity even if he was sure he would regret asking. He didn't want it to be the same. To his surprise Merlin seemed to calm down and he even smiled a little amused smile. "When you turn out to be as pretty as Gwen you can hug me all you want." Merlin teased. Arthur tried to slap him with his hand, but he missed because he had to still keep his gaze on the road. The car lurched a bit from it's way, but not dangerously so. Merlin just laughed at Arthur and Arthur had to smile too. He was clad that Merlin was still acting normal.

When Arthur told Merlin that he knew how Merlin didn't like when people touched him, Merlins first thought was 'so thats how it looks like on the outside…' He was relieved that Arthur had thought his weird response to be because he didn't like physical contact and he started to find himself ridiculously happy of the hug. Now that he had survived it without giving himself away and he stored every detail on his memory while trying to answer Arthurs questions. He felt a small danger when he realised that he had let on that he actually had paid attention on if Arthur had hugged him or not while Arthur hadn't thought anything about it, but Arthur didn't seem to notice anything. When Arthur mentioned Gwen, Merlin had a perfect opportunity to mask his reaction further and tease Arthur while doing it.

Even if normally Merlin would have been happy when getting out of the house and gloomy when it was time to go back, today it was the opposite. The rest of the drive Merlin was in high spirits and he felt that this day had been exactly what he had needed. He could do this. He could go back to his room and he could look forward to things again. He had something to do and he had some good memories he could play to himself once in a while. He was a bit proud of himself how he had not done anything stupid or dirty when Arthur had hugged him and that made him lose some of his shame.

When they had driven to the garage Arthurs car had now a space for, Merlin had patted Arthur on his shoulder a bit and told him that he could handle Arthurs driving the next time too now that he knew that Arthur wouldn't kill them both. This of course translated in Arthurs head 'You drove well' and he had been all smile for the whole dinner and he had told everything about the stores they had visited and about the car and his driving in the dinner table while Merlin kept looking slightly amused. Hunith had complimented him and his father had looked pleased and even proposed that Arthur should go out more often so he could practise in different routes. When Arthur had asked if Merlin could come too, his father had agreed and Hunith had been pleased "He spends too much time at home anyway."

* * *

After dinner Merlin had gone to his room to read and Arthur had retired to his room finding a perfect time slot for himself to think. He threw himself to his couch and closed his eyes. Alright, he liked Merlin. In a very inappropriate way. Arthur covered his face with his hands and rubbed his eyes. This was so messed up. Crushes and dating had been as far from Arthurs priority list that it was even hard to see them from where he stood.

When his friends had started to talk about girls this and girls that. Arthur had tried to blend in, but in the end he had just dropped the act. He couldn't be bothered and it annoyed the hell out of him when people asumed that girls were the only thing he ever thought just because he was a boy. That had actually been the point he had started to tease those who were different. It had seemed to amuse his class mates and some friends from his football team and it had been great distraction on the fact that he himself felt different from the rest of them. He had snapped out of his habit because of Merlin. How fitting in a way.

But Merlin wasn't just one of the crushes or physical lust that others shared. Merlin was first and foremost his best friend (who also happened to live in the same house than he did). Merlin challenged him, he made him a better person and he helped him when he needed it. Did Arthur know it himself or not that he even needed help.

That all should have been fine and nice and normal, but there was no way around the fact that he had developed this, this obsession of him. This constant need to be close to Merlin and now it wasn't even next to him. He had felt physical want. Not that he hadn't felt it before today too, wanting to cares someones hair wasn't exactly what he accustomed boys doing with their friends, but now… This was on a whole different level. Arthur turned to his side and hugged his pillow. Closing his eyes he could feel Merlins arms hesitantly hugging him and he could hear his slightly stressed sounding breath in his ears, feeling the slight warm wind of breath on his hair. It had felt so good…

In a way Arthur wondered how much of the sensation had been because of the fact that nobody had really hugged him since he had been a child. He remembered Morgana hugging him good night when she had been barely thirteen and Arthur had been just an eight year old boy. Morganas hugs had been warm and Arthur remembered how her long soft curls had brushed his cheeks and how Arthur had complained to her how they went to his face. Then Morgana had stopped. Not suddenly, but gradually and the last time Arthur could remember her hugging him, was two months before she had moved away, never contacting Arthur again.

She had been in an awful mood then, had been for a long while, many years and Arthur remembered her squeezing him so hard that it had actually hurt more than given him comfort. His father had never been touchy. That much was clear, but Arthur could still remember an occasional hug now and then when he had been a small child. Back then his father had been telling him how much he reminded him of Ygraine. Arthur had loved those moments. For years now Arthur hadn't even thought that he missed this kind of contact and the hug today with Merlin… it had been something entirely different from anything he had experienced before. He knew he wanted more and that this was not a sibling or even friend thing. But something was still bugging him.

However much he had tried to get himself interested in the past, he still couldn't see himself dating anyone. Of course what he exactly wanted to do with Merlin was close to what dating was. He wanted to take him out, spend time alone with him and be close. But he wasn't interested in physical contact further than what he already had experienced. He still couldn't find himself interested in sex or even kissing. It still felt too messy and just not desirable for him. It was funny how Arthur was actually more worried of not wanting to have sex with Merlin (or anyone for that matter) than his crush on the said boy. He felt abnormal and while he knew he should be happy that at least he wasn't lusting like that after his step-brother, he mostly just felt that even this he couldn't do right.

A bizarre thought soon replaced by the sinking feeling realising what this all could made him. A homosexual. That had been one of the many groups of people that his father had never accepted in any level. In a way Arthur was used to that, but he had always been careful not to belong to any of those groups himself. It had been his first priority most of his life. The second being trying to be something his father approved. It wasn't exactly the same thing.

Arthur squeezed the pillow he was still hugging against his chest and let it go with a sigh. He sat up and rubbed his eyes again. It was just so unnerving. What should he do? What _could_ he do?

'Nothing.' Was the answer that popped into his head. Nothing, precisely nothing. That way he wouldn't strain his relationships with Merlin or his father or Hunith or anyone else on that matter. Maybe he would grow out of this? He could go out now more freely and he was growing up. He would meet new people and he would actually get to hang out with those he already knew more. Maybe Merlin was just the only one he could really spend time with and Arthur had confused his affection to his friend to be something he was just starting to want. It hurt a little bit to think it like that, but he tried to tell himself that it would be better if he was just confused compared to that he really would start lusting after Merlin. Merlin, who had been so uneasy just with a simple hug, who mostly tried to keep Arthur at arms length and that had been before Arthur had gotten this obsession on him. Imagine how Merlin would panic if he knew how much Arthur had felt hugging him… Merlin would most probably not want to stay in the same room as Arthur if he ever found out about that.

Arthur sighed again. Yep, doing nothing seemed like the way to go. Merlins friendship was too precious to loose over something like this. He would rather just spend time with him and hopefully he could get Merlin to open up a little bit about himself again. Arthur smiled a little. He wasn't good with that kind of things, Merlin was, but he was clad that even if Merlin had practically told him that he wasn't feeling like home here and that translated in Arthurs head that Arthur wasn't as important to Merlin as Merlin was to him, Arthur felt that he belonged and that he had a home now that Merlin was in his life. Why couldn't he affect Merlin the same way?

Arthur glanced his clock and realised that he had been thinking here almost two hours. And he called Merlin a girl… Arthur stood up and decided to go to see what Merlin was up to. They could plan where to go next and what to do. Arthur had his football practices tomorrow, the first he would drive himself. Maybe Merlin would join him there?

* * *

A/N: A refreshingly Uther free chapter, if I may say so. I'm so sick of him. I'm currently writing the last scene he is in and am I enjoying myself? Yes. Very much.

I again got an amazing review from mersan123, Thank you again! I feel like I'm having a very interesting conversation with you with my chapters and your reviews :)

And, the review got me thinking... This story is intended to be told mainly from Merlins and Arthurs point of views, but I have like a ton of side notes for myself of what is happening in Huniths and Gwens and Lancelots minds... Are you interested in that? If so, I could add some parts in Huniths point of view. Of why she has not noticed anything (or what has she noticed), what is she thinking and/or some stuff that is happening between Gwen and Lance. So, if you are interested, write a review or PM me, I would be delighted to hear your opinion and frankly, be very happy to write something that has nothing (or very little) to do with Uther.

Now I'm going to watch an episode of Merlin. Maybe the one with the unicorn...

-L


	12. Chapter 12 - Price to pay for a nigh out

With his car, Arthur was able to go as he pleased. He wasn't sure how long his fathers 'it's good to practice' -phase would last. Probably until school started in the latest, but Arthur would still take everything he could from the change of not making excuses for himself leaving the house and that included Merlin too.

Arthur had once briefly made a story to his father how Merlin was very useful on reminding him on the theory he had learned and Merlin knew it by heart. Luckily the last part was true, because just when Arthur had finished his explanation to his father, Merlin had walked to the room and Uther had taken the opportunity to ask some random question from Merlin. For once Merlin had seemed sure of himself in Arthurs fathers presence and he had answered to the questions calmly and spot on every time. Well, Merlin did have a good memory.

After that Arthur had only needed to make up some location they would drive (mostly he would just tell the area in the city and his father wouldn't question further). They had visited Gwen and Elyan and once Arthur had asked if Merlin would like to come to some of Arthurs friends birthday party. That one Merlin had refused. He didn't feel confident enough to spend time with Arthurs friends he hardly knew in a cramped space. Arthur had been disappointed and had not dared to ask again if Merlin would like to visit his friends house. There had been just something, the same uneasiness Merlin showed when Arthur came too close. So, mostly they would just go to the city and eat out or go to some cafe or stores.

Merlin loved the city and he felt like he could breath in the masses of different people who didn't know him and while Arthur wouldn't let him out of his sight so 'Merlin wouldn't get lost' Merlin was enjoying himself very much. It seemed a bit weird to him how often Arthur was wiling to just show him around and just spend some time with him, Merlin couldn't think that he himself was that good company, but it made him happy non the less. Sometimes Arthur would brush shoulders with him or pull him to some direction by his arm and even if Merlin had felt a small panic at first, he was now used to it and confident that Arthur wouldn't notice his small blush or how happy Merlin felt after their… Merlin was avoiding the word 'dates' even if he couldn't find much more suitable word for their trips to cafes and attractions.

Four weeks after Arthur had gotten his car, they had visited more cool places that Merlin had in his life combined. He had seen massive old buildings, the biggest bookstore he could have ever imagined and his favourite, aquarium. When Arthur had realised that Merlin had never been in one, he had immediately dragged Merlin there not caring how odd it felt to be just two guys in a dimly lit long underwater corridors while they were surrounded by larger croups of friends and couples and families. He just hoped no-one they knew would pop up from behind some corner.

Merlin had been thrilled and he had obviously missed all what bothered Arthur. Seeing Merlin stare at sharks and colourful fishes this wide eyed smile on his face made Arthurs heart dance and he mostly kept looking at Merlin with an amused expression. He had been in the aquarium at least five times on ever so boring school field trips and even twice with Morgana when they had been little. He couldn't remember if their father had been with them so probably not. But anyway, this was the best experience in there so far. Merlin excitement was contagious and Arthur found himself looking at the underwater creatures with new interest.

In a way Arthur felt that with Merlin, he could face his childhood traumas he hadn't been even aware he had just by spending time with Merlin and replacing his experiences with new. Like he had just dismissed the aquarium as something boring and insignificant, but now he could not only see that he had done that because he didn't want to think of his big sister, he could now remember how fun he had actually had here and found he could still enjoy it. In a whole new way and somehow he felt like he had been too serious. It was just an aquarium. He had liked it when he was a child, he could like it still. Arthurs life was expanding to be outside of his fathers will and his fathers goals and his fathers house. And it was all thanks to Merlin. If this was thanks to his unnatural crush on Merlin, he wouldn't mind at all. So far Merlin was still the best thing that had happened to him in his life.

"How come Gwen couldn't come with us today?" Arthur was snapped out of his pleasant haze of pleasant thoughts by Merlins question. They were driving home and in a relatively straight part of road so Arthur glanced at Merlin who was looking at him just mildly curiously. Arthur kicked himself mentally. Merlin had been spending a lot of time on his phone lately and of course he had talked with Gwen. Arthur had been reluctant of having anyone else with them because he wasted to be alone with Merlin, but now he would have to give that up if he wouldn't want to make that known. "I had no idea where we were going, would't it be rude to drag Gwen just somewhere?" Arthur was not feeling confident enough to actually look at Merlin. God it was useful that he could keep his eyes on the road…

Merlin didn't seem satisfied by his explanation. And for a good reason. "I'm sure she wouldn't have minded. I heard about the aquariums from her and she seemed to want to go too…" Arthur would have squirmed if he didn't have the road and driving to hold his concentration. "Oh, well, lets go with her next time." He just said completely missing how Merlin blushed and tried to conceal his smile when Arthurs words 'next time' sank in. "Or we could visit Gwen this weekend?" Arthur continued wanting to make a point that he hadn't really been wanting to monopolise Merlins time, but he was very aware that he couldn't just suggest that he could just ride Merlin there and not come with him. These were the times Arthur found his crush a bit inconvenient. By 'a bit', he meant a lot.

Merlin brightened at that and seemed to forget his original question. "Could we spend the night? Gwen told me that she wouldn't mind the company. His father has taken some night shifts and Elyan is in God knows where probably making trouble for himself." Arthur rose his eyebrow at that "Your words or Gwens?" He asked making Merlin blush and Arthur laugh at him. "You girls spend too much time on the phone… I'll ask father, he's more likely to give me the permission, you are a horrible liar… no offence." He said. Merlin replied immediately "Non taken." He was clad that Arthur had volunteered, he had no courage to ask himself remembering what had happened the last time. Merlin trusted that Arthur was clever enough to leave out the detail that Gwen was home alone so he didn't say anything about that.

Arthur thought some stories he could tell his father to let them go. He was annoyingly happy that Merlin hadn't even batted an eyelash while saying that could they go to Gwens when she was alone. No matter how his logic told him that Merlin had said many times that he didn't like Gwen like that and no matter how much he saw them interact like friends with no romantical underlines (less than he had with Merlin actually) he still felt this small pull in his heart strings when he thought them alone in Gwens house… He knew he had no right on these kind of feeling, it wasn't like he was dating Merlin or even could really have a normal crush on him not to mention how Merlin would no doubt react if Arthur as much as hinted that he didn't like how Merlin was around a beautiful girl who didn't date anyone. Having a crush really was taxing…

* * *

Arthur managed to get them permission to visit Gwen and spend the night. Merlin had no idea how, but after Arthur had told him the news, he had immediately called Gwen who had been over the moon. Merlin had also called Will and told him everything he had seen in the aquariums and even if Will had told him he was acting like a child, Merlin knew his tone. He was jealous as hell for not seeing the sharks Merlin kept describing far more than necessary just to annoy Will. Merlin was in high spirits and he managed to stay that way until he ended his phone call with Will.

When he had put his phone back to his pocket, Merlin let himself slide to the floor from his couch. He was happy. With so many things, but he knew that even if the silver lining was bright and beautiful right now, there was still a cloud and more coming from the horizon. Uther had visited his room about once a week and while he had kept telling Merlin something or other about rewards and about being pleased how Merlin was helping Arthur, he had still been rough and that equaled painful for Merlin.

He managed to be happy, actually happy during the days, but even if he wasn't exactly afraid on most of the nights, his mood dulled when he was left alone in the evenings and he had a habit of falling into numbness until he couldn't stay awake anymore somewhere around midnight which was usually the latest Uther would show his face. Merlin had made a habit of lying on his couch Arthurs driving theory papers on his lap opened at a random page from about ten to twelve before getting his blanket from the bed. When Uther came to his room, he always seemed pleased to see that Merlin was seemingly studying even if it didn't make any sense to Merlin. He already knew this all by heart and how stupid would he have to be or how obsessed if he would really be reading this something like forty pages over and over again for the past almost two months or so if you counted from when he first saw this stack of papers. He really didn't get where Uther was coming from most of the time.

Uther had just been in his room the night before so when he opened Merlins door at eleven, Merlin had been totally unprepared and had actually been reading one of the fantasy books he had bought his visit in the biggest bookstore he had ever seen. Uther frowned when he saw Merlins choice of reading and Merlin regretted of braking his habit. Merlin dropped the book and automatically leaped off from the couch. He really didn't want Uther near it.

"I see you are idling around until late… " Uther commented with a very displeased tone. Merlin felt his comment unjust. It was holidays and what else was there to do than idle around? Was he really expecting Merlin to still be reading the damn theory of driving? It wasn't like even Arthur needed any of it anymore and seriously there was nothing Merlin couldn't remember if asked from it.

"So, tell me boy, what do you want of this Gwen girl? You seem to call her a lot too…" Merlin paled. He had thought his phone bill must have gone up at least 500% and he had been briefly worried about that, but what was there to tell? That he was bored? Or that the only way he could keep pretending himself he was normal was to talk with his friends?

Then something caught Merlins attention, he realised that Uther had only asked about Gwen. When his mother had teased Merlin one day on the dinner table of how much he spends time on the phone nowadays, Merlin had mumbled something about Gwen and how long she could keep talking about trivial things. He hadn't mentioned Will even if he knew that it would have been interesting for his mother to hear how he and his mother were doing. He had been too aware of how Uther was listening to his every word and bringing up any boys name hadn't seemed safe. But what caught Merlins attention right now, was that Uther didn't know about Will. 'Good' Merlin thought finding a brief comfort in that.

While Merlin was unfocused, Uther clearly lost his interest on the answer because he soon closed the distance between them and Merlin felt himself being dragged to his bed. He hated the bed so much… But there was nothing to struggle against. There was nothing he could do. The lack of control and the powerless feeling Merlin had come familiar with swept over him.

Uther pounded in him until he cried and told him not to get carried away with himself. "Spending a night out… I swear if you try anything with that poor girl I'll show her how dirty you really are… I bet she wouldn't want to even look at you after that!" He hissed in Merlins ear.

Merlin whimpered as he felt panic rise in him at the thought of Gwen ever finding out about this. The pictures… he could do nothing to deny them if Uther were to ever show them to Gwen. She would hate him for sure. Merlin sobbed something like that he would behave himself when he suddenly felt something warm on his neck.

It was Uthers tongue and the moment Merlin understood this he shuddered violently. It felt disgusting and Merlin felt like ice had been poured into his spinal cord. And then the sucking started. Merlin yelped when he felt Uther bite his neck and he lost all the remaining power he had got in his limbs. Uther had pulled Merlin to his chest and now all of Merlins weight was suddenly on his arms. Uther grunted and let Merlin fall to the mattress. Merlin just closed his eyes and willed it all to end.

When Uther had ejaculated in him, he left still limp Merlin there. Merlin felt silent tears run on his cheeks. He hated this. He hated it all. Finally this one clear thought penetrated Merlins messed up mind. What ever Uther had told him before, Merlin didn't want this. Not with Uther and he wasn't sure if after all this he would want it with anyone. Not even Arthur.

Merlin closed his eyes and he imagined Arthur hugging him and Merlin felt a spark of warmth inside of him. He closed his eyes and recalled how warm Arthur had been and how much Merlin loved him, but when he tried to imagine giving himself up like this to Arthur, as he had predicted, he felt cold and he shuddered. He couldn't do that, not anymore. He tried to think of his future. In two and a half years he could leave this house and never come back. He would never have to see Uther or Arthur or even his mother. He could just disappear.

But, his heart clenched painfully at the thought of never seeing Arthur again. He wouldn't be able to date Arthur, obviously, but now he felt that maybe he wouldn't be able to date anyone at all. Ever. Uther had made sure of that. Not only could he show the pictures of Merlin to who ever Merlin was dating (if anyone could even get interested in him like that) but Merlin couldn't himself. He had avoided being touched yes, but that had been more of a precaution than anything else but now, it was more how Arthur had described it previously. Merlin didn't like when anyone touched him. Or more likely he couldn't even think of someone touching him in any other than strictly platonic, everyday way. Just a thought of that felt revolting.

Usually Merlin would have showered, but tonight he felt like it was all in vain and the only thing he managed to muse some strength to do, was to roll out of his bed. He pulled his pillow and his blanket with him and he slept between his bed and his desk so if someone would come to the room in the morning, they wouldn't see him immediately.

When the morning came he was cold and stiff, but he still felt better physically than mentally and he found he liked to be uncomfortable. It was easier just to surrender to misery than to fight against his dark mood.

When Merlin climbed up from the floor it was barely five o'clock, but he had survived with less sleep and it wasn't like he had anything to do that would really need much attention. It still didn't take him two steps to realise that getting to sleep without showering had been a bad idea. His crotch was sticky and itchy and walking hurt his cold and sore muscles. But when he had crawled out of the shower, the real horror struck him. He hadn't even planned to look at the mirror, but when he walked past it, he saw something from the corner of his eye. Merlin spun around to look at the mirror and he tried to see the back of his neck desperately.

In the end he had to try and find something else that had a reflective surface. He didn't have any other mirrors, but finally he remembered how his phone had a camera and while it made him nervous to even open the camera while he had no clothes on, just a towel, like the phone could see the state he was in, he managed to concentrate on his task.

He had a hickey. And not the smallest one either. Finally he shallowed his fear and took a picture of it just to see it more clearly. From the picture he could see even Uthers teeth marks. Merlin shuddered and deleted the photo immediately. He had to concentrate on not just throwing the phone on the wall and his hand slapped his neck the moment the phone was safely on the table next to his sink. Knowing the red mark was there made Merlin feel like his skin was glowing and too hot and he wanted to get rid of it. He scratched. He scratched the tender piece of skin until it hurt and he kept going on like he wanted to get rid of his skin altogether.

Finally his neck and his fingers hurt from scratching and he found himself from the floor. Merlin had no idea when he had sat down, but when he touched his neck once more, it stung just from a light touch and felt raw and somehow moist in a sticky way. Merlin took a piece of toilet paper and pressed it on his neck. It stuck to his neck partially but the part he got off without ripping it, he saw some yellow liquid and just tinniest droplets of blood. This didn't seem enough so Merlin scratched his neck few times regardless of the sharp pain taking some time in between to adjust to the pain. It seemed to go down some nerves because he could feel a needle like sting in his lover back and head when he touched one precise spot.

He only stopped playing with his wound when he realised that it could scar and he really didn't want to explain that to his mother. He looked at his tight. The ten centimetres scar was enough. Merlins mother had actually asked few times if Merlin had wanted to go to swim with her during the summer and while Merlin really liked swimming, even if he could have made himself believe that he would survive the changing room and being in front of other people only in his trunks, there was no way he could explain his scar to his mother. Technically it was so high that his trunks covered it (Merlin had tried) but there was no way of guaranteeing that it would stay hidden if he actually swam or bend his knees. He had told his mother that he was not a child anymore and he rather not go to some noisy pool. His mother had seemed hurt and they had fought the last time his mother had asked. Merlin hated it, but at least that had been the end of her asking.

Merlin took his phone out reluctantly and took another picture, closing his eyes automatically to the sound of shutter. He looked at the picture and he immediately saw that he had gone too far. The scratches didn't limit on the area of the now non existent hickey, but there were long angry red markings up to his scalp and down to his shoulder plates. Had he really done that much? Apparently yes.

Merlin wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there so he glanced at his door nervously before ducking out from his bathroom and into his closet. After the door was closed, he felt safe again. It was dark and narrow and it helped him to concentrate. He picked up clothes that hid as much skin as possible and used every colour he could. He chose red shirt with green pants and blue neckerchief just to hide how nervous he really was. It turned out to be almost half past six when he was finally ready.

After checking his neck from the mirror, he fell to his couch to get some much needed sleep. It was cold without a blanket so he didn't sleep very well and after he finally rose up, he knew his mother would scold him for sleeping so late. Actually he rose up just because he knew that his mother would come to drag him out of his bed any minute now so he wanted to beat her to it.

* * *

As expected, his mother gave him a lecture of sleeping till too late "The school starting is just around the corner, you have to start getting to bed earlier." Little did she know what 'getting to bed' meant for Merlin. As they were talking with the same words with different meanings and Merlin was unable to explain what he meant, of course it became fight soon after.

Merlin saw Arthur coming in from the garden, football under his arm from the corner of his eye looking confused and surprised on Merlins actions. Merlin didn't stop snarling at his mother even if he felt embarrassed Arthur witnessing this. "It's my business when I go to sleep! I did well last year too, I'm not a child anymore!" His mother tried to reason with him and Merlin hated it. He didn't want to be like this! He hated every second of it! Why couldn't everyone just leave him be? Alone in some dark corner and forget he existed.

In the end his mother threatened him that he was not going to visit anyone if she couldn't trust him behaving even in their own home. The word 'home' rubbed Merlin the wrong way and he snapped "Well I don't care!" This was the point where Arthur leaped in between them. "Hunith, I'm sure Merlin doesn't mean that… He just probably didn't sleep well… " He tried to calm Hunith down and Merlin didn't dare to yell at Arthurs back.

When Arthur saw Hunith calm down a little he turned to Merlin with serious expression causing Merlin to turn his gaze to his right, as far from Arthurs eyes as possible. "Merlin, you calm down. I don't want to call Gwen that we are not coming to help her out with his father sick and all…" Merlin snapped his eyes back to Arthurs. Arthurs eyes were stern and his gaze told Merlin that if he was going to drown the drain Arthurs hard work, he would have to face one very pissed off Arthur.

Merlin turned his gaze down and he mumbled something Arthur couldn't hear, but he saw Merlins expression and he slowly stepped sideways so he wasn't standing in between Merlin and his mother anymore. "Sorry… I just- I guess I have been a bit bored being here all the time… I have been reading my new books till too late. I'll stop that." Merlin said with a soft tone to his mothers chin. Hunith looked worried, but finally she smiled a little sad smile.

"I know dear that you have been howled up in here far too much and I wish I could drive you to places, but you have to see some effort yourself too. I have tried to ask you to go to swim with me and every time you say no. I know that you are on that age that I'm starting to be too old to be good company…" She said in a stern but sad voice and Merlin automatically cut in "No! I mean… you are not too old it's just the swimming…." He stopped in the middle not sure how to continue and his mother again looked worried "But you used to love swimming!" Merlin saw Arthur look at him from the corner of his eye and he looked interested of the information or maybe of Merlins reaction.

Merlin closed his eyes. He didn't want to do this… "You know it's not the same in inside pool with tiled floor and chloride." He said and his mother looked taken aback and she glanced at Arthur, but seemed to understand. "I see… I should have guessed. Why don't we think of something else to do together then? Before the school and all the fuss starts?" She looked at Merlin hopeful and Merlin nodded slowly. He could do that. He would have to.

Arthur looked pleased at them and patted their shoulders cheerfully making Merlin jump a little. "Now that this is settled, why don't we all go to get some snack, or in Merlins case here, breakfast. I'm starving!" Merlin looked pointedly at Arthurs hand that was still filmy on his shoulder and Arthur moved his hands like Merlins shoulder was suddenly burning him. Merlin ignored the cold feeling on his shoulder now that Arthurs hand wasn't there anymore and nodded again.

They spend good half an hour on the table Hunith drinking tea and Arthur eating more than Merlin was. Arthur stayed cheerful and Merlin understood why. He hadn't seen Uther yet and that man was usually there in a flash if Merlin as much as talked with an inappropriate tone much less yelled in the middle of the house. Him not showing his face meant that he was out and Arthur wanted to hide any tension left between them before his father got home. Even if Hunith had forgotten her previous threat, Merlin was sure that Uther wouldn't hesitate on repeating and delivering it if he heard about this. It gradually dawned to Merlin how lucky he had been. He started to see how Uther had been in his room yesterday precisely because Merlin was going to spend his night out of the house and even if it was expected that Uther would come once again when he returned, it would be all the same if he had seen Merlin fight with his mother. 'Wouldn't be the first time' Merlin thought bitterly and unconsciously kept his neck bended slightly backwards so his scratches wouldn't show. He wished Uther wouldn't notice them.

Uther came back home just before dinner and Merlin held his breath until Uther rose up from his seat telling them that he had to leave for work once more after he took something or the other from his office. 'So that's why he came yesterday already and not today.' Merlin thought but was pleased to see him go even if he had to survive seeing Uther give his mother a kiss. Luckily Arthur who was looking at him when he shuddered, made a face behind his fathers back indicating that he felt the same. The same being disturbed by seeing their parents kiss even if it was for entirely different reasons.

That night Merlin talked with his mother calmly with a smile on his face longer than he could remember for the whole summer and they made plans to go to the aquarium again. Arthur promised to drive them even if he half heartedly complained how they had just been there. Hunith was thrilled, he had been in an aquarium over twenty years ago when her parents had still been alive and suddenly she and Arthur had something in common in a sentimental level and the conversation flowed.

That night Merlin slept better than he could even remember and when the morning came he was fully rested and excited to see Gwen and chat with her preferably until he couldn't form sentences without falling asleep. He partly wished that Elyan would take Arthur somewhere so he could spend some time alone with Gwen, but on the other hand no. He would have loved to spend time with Arthur, but it was very taxing and unnerving, so he was glad that he didn't have to make the decision. He would just wait and see.

* * *

In the morning, now that he had energy and Uther wasn't present, Merlin found that he would have wanted to do everything and with everyone all at the same time. Arthur had to practically force him to leave his mother in the garden when it was time to leave and when they were in the car, Merlin felt that he wouldn't want to leave this comfortable seating where he could talk with just Arthur ever. Still as soon as he saw Gwens smiling if not a little bit sarcastic face, (they were almost half an hour late after all) he felt that he wasn't here a minute too soon and he actually hugged Gwen briefly smiling like a sun.

"A high time you two arrive. I have some pie for us and it's best when it's still warm." She said smiling herself looking pleased to see Merlin act like he was. She was so focused on Merlin that she didn't even notice Arthurs sour face right behind Merlin and when they had taken their shoes off, it was already gone.

The pie was excellent and Gwen had ice-cream to serve with it. While they ate, mostly Merlin and Gwen talked about some things that Arthur didn't fully understand because of the lack of context or just because Merlin seemed to comment on stuff that wasn't even said out loud. He would have been getting bored if it had been anyone else than Merlin. Elyan was nowhere to be seen.

"I told him you are coming so hopefully he will show his face at some point…" Gwen told Arthur when he asked abut his friend. It was apparent to Merlin that Gwen was worried of his brother, but not nearly as much as she had been in the past, so he didn't comment. Arthur was interested in what Elyan was up to but Gwen just brushed it off by "Probably something stupid. You ask him, maybe he will talk to you." Merlin who was sitting next to Gwen patted her shoulder. "You would know if he was in trouble. Trust him, I'm sure he wouldn't want to make you worried." Gwen smiled at him a little shyly and Merlin smiled at her. Arthur just looked at them with wonder in his expressions.

"I hope I don't interrupt you girls too much with my presence… " He mumbled and Gwen quickly tried to explain their behaviour. "Oh, Arthur, I'm sorry… It's just that we have been talking on the phone so much lately and we have been talking so much about you that I kind of forgot that you don't know what we are talking about… I mean nothing bad of course, but just you know…" Arthur rose his eyebrows at that and Merlin wanted to face palm. Awesome.

"You talk about me a lot?" Arthur sounded surprised and … pleased? Merlin groaned. This wasn't something he wanted to discuss. "What else is happening in my summer than helping you pass tests or trying not to laugh at you getting fat?" He asked sarcastically concentrating only on his annoyance of how Arthur would develop even bigger head if Merlin made him sound anything like flattering. Gwen sniggered at them and Arthur didn't appreciate of being teased. "I'm not fat!" He said automatically to the first thing that bothered him in Merlins statement. After that had been said, he also got annoyed of Merlins tone, face, the fact that Merlin had been telling Gwen stuff he had thought obvious was not for sharing…!

Arthur didn't expect Merlin to continue, but he was out of such luck. "Oh I saw you throw away that belt and you know it." Merlins tone was smug and Arthur took the first object that his hand found. It happened to be his spoon. Arthur pointed Merlins face with the spoon looking straight into his eyes and said in a low, murderous voice "I also remember telling you that it needed no further mentioning." Merlin was looking at the spoon with cross eyes not paying much attention to Arthurs tone. "Are you threatening me with a spoon?" He asked doubtfully and Arthur heard Gwens sorry attempt not to burst into laughter. "I would if I didn't hesitate on making Gwens home a site of homicide." Merlin moved just a bit further from Arthur just in case. This of course happened to be closer to Gwen and that didn't exactly help Arthurs mood. He glared at Merlin, but he knew he was ready to drop it soon. He wasn't really that angry at Merlin. He was more pleased of Merlins attention and in reality he wasn't capable of being annoyed with Merlin like he had been when he had first moved to live with Arthur and his father.

But then Gwen opened her mouth. "Oh it's not like that's the only thing he has told me, is it true that you stressed so much about your routine that you sneaked out in the middle of the night and accidentally set off your alarm?" Gwen smiled amusedly at him looking like she could start laughing her ass off at any given reason.

Arthurs murderous look deepened and Merlin had only a second to look sheepish before he had to dodge the spoon Arthur had thrown at his head. Luckily he managed to do that, Arthur hadn't thrown it very lightly. "Good thing that you don't have anything of actual importance to keep secret!" Arthur growled at Merlin now more angry than annoyed. He had specifically told Merlin not to speak about that so his father wouldn't find out! Of course Merlin had been extremely helpful when he had come to open the door for him when it had locked automatically after the alarm went off, but this and that were two separate things!

Merlin looked at Arthur unimpressed. His accusation was rubbing Merlin the wrong way and he felt his ugly side developed this year rise its head. Gwen glanced at Merlin her previous humour gone. She thought she knew why Merlin was not happy with this miss placed accusation. He was good at keeping secrets. Gwen should know, Merlin hadn't said anything to anyone about her crush on Lance after all.

But still Gwen wasn't expecting Merlin to say anything and not at least with the calm but cold tone he was using. "Oh, I'm full of secrets, you just don't pay enough attention." Merlin knew he was playing a dangerous game where he could blurt out something he really didn't want to, but his emotions were getting the better of him. Arthur didn't seem to catch just how ready to explode Merlin was and he said with an almost whiny tone. "Merlin, you wouldn't bee able keep a secret if your life depended on it!" Merlin felt his irritation grow, but he still was in control "Oh, I'm quite sure I can." he said with a humourless half smile.

Gwen on the other hand realised the mood. She regretted opening her big mouth and she tried her best to pacify the situation, but failed horribly "Lets calm down, shall we? I believe that Merlin can keep secrets." She tried to take Merlins side just enough to make him calm down. He seemed far more angry than Arthur right now even if his tone was smooth.

Arthur looked at her with sceptic look and Merlin frowned at his expression. Gwen tried to think quickly of something to reassure Arthur so she said "He hasn't told my secrets to you has he?" Wrong move. Now Arthur started to look sour. "So you are telling everything to Gwen, but nothing to me?" he directed his words to Merlin and the tension could have been cut with a knife. Gwen immediately regretted that too and she mentally kicked herself for being so stupid… She had caused this and she hadn't seen Merlin and Arthur like this in ages. Like they were really cross with each others.

"Arthur… Merlin, this is not like you. I- I made Merlin promise not to tell you so, Arthur, would you just let it go?" Arthur finally let his eyes avert from Merlins and he looked at clearly distressed Gwen. She was right. He should calm down. He hadn't been like this for a long time now and he didn't like this side of himself very much. When his anger lessened, he realised how much of his emotions were actually those of jealous. He had let this all get to him because he was jealous for Merlin being closer to Gwen than him. He felt ashamed of himself and he glanced at Merlin who still looked cold as ice making Arthur almost flinch physically.

"Ever heard of the word sorry?" Merlin wasn't willing to let this go and he could see that Arthur was. It still irritated Arthur who didn't think twice before replying "No, is that another word you made up?" Gwen was starting to panic. "Ok, ok! Arthur, I'll tell you my secret so please… "

Finally Merlin snapped out of his dark cloud of self pity and irritation. He looked at Gwen and he regretted making her say that. He knew he had put Gwen into that position and for what? For stretching a point of a subject he really didn't want to talk about. And even if he for some mystical reason had wanted, he couldn't. He looked at Gwen apology clear in his eyes, but Gwen relaxed and just waved her hand with a dismissing way. "It's alright. I trust Arthur and he's right, it doesn't seem fair that he is left out like this." The tension lessened immediately even thought now Gwen was hesitating a bit and Merlins feelings were a mess.

Gwen cleared her throat deciding against asking Arthur to promise her first he wouldn't tell anyone. She had just told him she trusted him so she could wait until she had actually told him something. "I have a crush on your coach." She stated with a clear voice. Arthur blinked and his mouth fell slightly open. "Um, on Lance?" He managed to say and Gwen nodded blushing. Arthur glanced at Merlin who looked calm and the last of the doubts that Merlin might have a crush on Gwen were thrown out of the window. He wasn't very good at reading the atmosphere or telling if someone was interested in someone or anything like that, but that was not a face of someone who was friend-zoned against their will. That finally managed to take the sharpest edge of his jealous away and Arthur could make himself entirely focused on Gwen. "It's nothing really… I just like talking to him a bit thats all…" Gwen continued wanting to fill the silence that had fallen to the table.

Merlin sighed and rolled his eyes. He was still grumpy, but calming down. "Really Gwen? After all you have make me listen, you are letting Arthur get away with a 'I just like talking to him'?" He asked drily. Gwen blushed even more and Arthur couldn't help but grin. Something in the way Gwen and Merlin interacted was just lovely. And now that his jealously had been lifted, he felt fortunate to be here and witness it.

"Yeah… well, I'm sure Arthur wouldn't be as patient as you have been if I started babbling like an idiot to him too… " Gwen replied to Merlin sounding relieved and gentle. "You will not tell anyone, right?" Gwen turned to look at Arthur shyly and Arthur smiled at her warmly. "Of course not. It's your business and I don't see anything wrong here." He said nonchalantly. Merlin looked at him turning only his eyes. Gwen was clearly thankful and she smiled at Arthur happily. To Merlin there was something more than just keeping Gwens secret though. It was the 'there is nothing wrong'. Merlin knew it wasn't just Gwen… it was also Lance. 'Arthur trusts Lance' Merlin realised. He was not worried, he was not faced by their age difference and he wasn't going on circles of what could go wrong. That was… nice. Merlin wished he could trust Arthur on this, but even if he couldn't fully, he still felt a bit relived actually.

"And if Merlin here can keep that as a secret, I sure as hell can too." Arthur smirked and slapped Merlins shoulder with more force than necessary and left his hand on Merlins shoulder. Merlin looked at the hand sceptically. The hold on his shoulder was too strong to his liking and he really didn't feel comfortable even if Arthurs hand felt warm. Or maybe because it felt warm and Gwen was looking at Merlin and Arthur with curious eyes. (or so Merlin felt) "I'm sure we talked about this, turn pretty and you can be as close as you want. Meanwhile, have you considered moving to sit further away from me?" Merlin asked and swatted Arthurs hand off of his shoulder in a manner like dusting his shoulder. Arthur looked a bit put off and his smile faltered a little. Merlin ignored him and the fact that if Arthur would turn prettier, Merlin would have trouble even staying in the same room with him without blushing.

"Oh yeah, Merlin also told me you hugged him, how uncommon of you Arthur." Gwen blurted out before remembering how bad of an idea that had been just minutes ago. But Arthur was just surprised and he looked at Gwen like she had sprouted another head. "How come everybody seems to remember my hugging habits?" Gwen let out breath she had been holding and looked a bit amused. "Oh, don't look so surprised! You are captain of the football team, rich, smart and handsome. Half of the school population knows who you are dating, or in your case, are not dating and what are your habits… " Gwen stated and Arthur rose his eyebrows as high as he could and Gwen blushed "It's not me who is saying that, obviously. I have just heard that… Oh for Gods sake Merlin stop that!" She stopped he rambling to snap at Merlin who was rolling his eyes at her from behind Arthurs back. He was still a bit cranky.

"People say that about me?" Arthur had to make sure and Gwen again concentrated on him and Merlin mumbled something about the size of Arthurs head. "Yes, of course, they even tell it to you sometimes, but you never seem to notice. Like when Ellie asked if you wanted to 'help her to study' or when Jaqueline tried to ask you if that rumour about you in the old library wing was true…"

Arthur shook his head in disbelieve and he was more confused than ever. "Wha- wait what?! Who is Ellie and we have an old library wing?" He tried to make some sense to this. He heard Merlin snigger next to him. This was not going to be fun for Arthur, that was for sure. "In the spring there was a rumour that you had been seen snogging someone in the old library wing." Gwen explained patiently. "And Ellie, Eleanor, is in our class. Has been for two years." Merlin couldn't take it anymore and he dropped his face to the table and started to laugh. Arthur wished he still had his spoon.

"Why would I want to snog anyone in the library? And if you mean Eleanor, say Eleanor. And I told her that if she wanted someone to help her, she should ask Merlin. He makes half of my notes anyway…" Gwen flashed him a 'are you kidding me' look. "She didn't want to study, obviously, she wanted to be the next one you snog in the library!" Arthur shuddered at the image "I have not snogged- anyway, I definitely wouldn't snog with Eleanor!" "Why not? She pretty isn't she?" Gwen shot back. "Indeed, but she is also obnoxious and boring." Arthur replied with a patient tone that left no room for argument.

Now it was Gwens turn to look surprised. "Arthur, I never knew there were men like you in this world. So you are saying that you would rather snog with someone with nice personality than someone pretty?" Arthur felt his face heat and he fought the urge to glance at Merlin. He didn't know, honestly and he wasn't comfortable or sure about himself on the matter so he found it extremely embarrassing. "I have no time either way. And enough of the girl talk already." He said with annoyed tone.

Merlin sniggered and Arthur still refused to look at him. "So I suppose you don't care then with who you were rumoured to snog with?" He asked and Arthur had to finally turn to look at his ridiculous grin. Gwen laughed and Arthur just felt his embarrassment grow. "You know, don't you?" Arthur asked without really wanting to and Merlin winked at him, _winked_! "I'm not able to keep secrets remember?" his whole previous irritation forgotten and reasons behind it buried by now. Arthur already opened his mouth to ask, but then the word 'library' pulled something from his memory. He remembered Merlin and him playing football in the garden last spring and he had said something or other about Merlins lack of skill and Merlin had shot back something that hadn't made any sense back then. 'How about your skills with the librarian?'

Arthurs words stuck to his throat and he could only watch Merlin laugh at his face and Gwen giggling into her hands. 'Found anything interesting from the library? Oh, you tell me!' Another exchange of words with Merlin that slowly started to make more sense from last spring and Arthur felt himself get paler. "Don't tell me the librarian…?" He said with a dry mouth and Merlin had to clench his stomach and even Gwen got hysterical at this point. Arthur failed to see the humour. How was he ever supposed to go to the library now? And what was wrong with people?! The librarian was like- like 40! Arthur rarely visited the library anyway (it closed the same time his practises ended) so where had this even started? He really didn't want to know what Merlin or Gwen thought about him if this was funny for them or in fact what the people in school though about him and there was only one week left of holidays… But he had to ask "Isn't she like thousand years old? Why me…?"

To his surprise, Merlin stopped laughing and looked at him puzzled. "Not her… the young blond trainee who was in our school for the whole last year… " Gwen snorted and Arthur felt so confused that he actually forgot to feel ashamed for a moment. Merlin would have commented on how he didn't want to know anything about Arthurs preferences if the middle aged librarian was the first one he thought, but Arthurs face was so confused that he instead went with "Tell me you have at least visited the library last year?" with a long suffering voice. Arthur saw a get away of the current topic and he took it. "You are practically a moving library living in the same house I live, so why fetch the stick if you have a dog?" He asked with straight face. Merlins face didn't even change, but Arthur felt a need to clarify "No offence, Merlin". "Non taken." Merlin said with surprisingly calm voice and Arthur breathed lighter.

Gwen looked a bit disapproving, but didn't comment when Merlin didn't seem offended. She settled just saying "So, next time someone asks me if the rumours were true, I can just tell them that Arthur doesn't even know that there is an old wing in the library because he uses Merlin to make his notes." Arthur wrinkled his nose and Merlin grinned. "He doesn't write my notes, I just read his! And besides he practically force feeds them to me as a breakfast! You should have seen him before my drivers test, I couldn't even go to a bloody bathroom without demonstrating how to properly leave a traffic circle!" Arthur spoke a bit louder and faster than necessary.

After that they moved to much easier topics like the next school year and what they wanted to do in the future (Gwen wanted to do something that mattered, maybe research or some kind of international association like Amnesty or something along the line, Arthur said hesitantly that he at least could work with his father and Merlin had no idea. He actually hadn't thought of his life after he turned 18. It was like it didn't really exist and at that time he would have so many other decisions to make that career felt like a small insignificant thing to him.)

Later Gwen made them help her make some pizza to eat and while the dough was rising, they walked to a nearby supermarket and bought everything they wanted to put on top of the pizza and rented a movie to watch. They had generally good time, but at some point, Merlins social energy became to dry rapidly. He blamed it partly to the semi fight he and Arthur had gotten themselves into and the theme of the conversation surrounding it. He was kind of keen to hear more about Arthurs tastes, but it did no good to him. Hearing that he thought a girl in their class was pretty felt like bang in Merlins heart and hearing he didn't like them or hadn't even noticed the 'library beauty' that had been a talk of the month when she had first started among boys just made false hopes visit in Merlins mind before he banished them and that hurt too. Luckily the movie was interesting so he didn't have to pretend to be anything. He could just stare blankly at the screen. He missed half of the movie, but he hoped that just agreeing to Gwens and Arthurs comments hid that.

It was already late when Elyan crawled home and he didn't stay for long. He mostly just took some of the pizza they had made, changed his clothes and was off again promising Gwen that he would take some food for their dad too. "I'll drive him home. We'll be back around midnight." He seemed exhausted and even Gwen didn't have heart to nag at him.

After Elyan had gone again, she told that Elyan had gone to help at their dad sometimes and that Elyan had to drive him some nights because he had worked so late that there was no transportation anymore. "Dad could just take Elyans car, but Elyan has insisted that he needs it more and that he rather drive him than give the car. So far he has kept his promise." Merlin knew that there was something, and that Gwen also knew, going on. She looked at Merlin pleadingly "Could you ask him what's going on?" Merlin chewed his lip. "Are you sure? Arthur knows him way better…" Gwen just shook her head sadly. "Yes, but he talks to you, for some reason…" Merlin promised to ask, but he didn't guarantee that he would get an answer. That was enough for Gwen.

They decided to sleep all in Gwens room now that Elyan wasn't home. They moved the mattresses to Gwens room and now that Elyan wasn't in the mix, the door could open without trouble. Arthur went to change into Elyans room, but Merlin felt it too mentally straining to even think of changing with Arthur so he just walked to the bathroom he had changed last time and locked the door without even saying anything.

In the bathroom he felt like he could breath. He changed as slowly as he could while thinking that he really should get the hang of his moods. He had been irritated for many things lately and it was uncalled for. His life was good in so many aspects and he should appreciate those more. He couldn't take his friends or Arthur or his mother for granted. He didn't really deserve any of it. He had nothing to get mad about and especially not to them. He had even demanded Arthur an apology without giving one himself.

After he had changed, Merlin still took time to just slowly breath in and out twice. Alright, he could face them again. And it was still night. Merlin dreaded tomorrow, because tomorrow he would have to go back to that house, but for now, he could still enjoy today. Arthur was already sitting on the mattress closer to the wall leaving the mattress in between Arthurs mattress and Gwens bed free. Like the last time they sleep over. It was nice. Merlin just feared a bit that the same thing that had happened last time would repeat itself. He settled himself under his blanket and turned the sides of the blanket under his legs so he wouldn't steal Arthur blanket again. He would do the same with his upper body later.

"What's that in your neck?" Gwen asked making Merlin snap his head up. He had bend it down while adjusting his blanket. "Nothing." Merlin mumbled, but he was not very convincing. Arthur also leaned in to see better and Merlin automatically leaned away from him even if he knew that he would do better if he started to come up with an excuse rather than hide the scratch.

"It's just a scratch… " He started when also Gwen leaned towards him making Merlin feel claustrophobic. He wished he had checked how it looked in the bathroom. He wished it didn't look like a hickey… "It looks bad… what happened?" Gwen said sounding like it was some sort of a big deal. Arthur nodded and Merlin looked back and forth in between them. They looked so serious… Merlin was suddenly so happy that neither of them had seen the wound he had cut on his tight. "I um, have a dry skin sometimes… it's like a um, bad habit." He lied and held his breath. "You shouldn't do that. I have some lotion, put some on before you scar yourself." Gwen rose from her bed and rumbled trough her desk drawer. Merlin was very close on commenting how scars were the least of his concerns, but he held his tongue. He tried to look Arthur to get some support to this supposedly girly obsession of smooth skin, but Arthur looked like he agreed with Gwen. Merlin had to look away.

When Arthur had entered Elyans room, he had expected Merlin to follow him, but when he had turned around to say something to Merlin, he had just seen the bathroom door close and he was alone. It was kind of a relieve really, but he was just the tinniest bit annoyed that Merlin was being so guarded of his personal space. It was nothing unusual of course and in the past Arthur had hardly noticed it, but now… it felt like Merlin didn't trust him at all. Had it been the hug? Had he really made a mistake there and now Merlin would never get closer than arms length of Arthur?

He sighed and changed as fast as he could. It was just … painful. For the lack of better word. He wanted to be closer to Merlin. Not just physically, but mentally and even if it was new to Arthur, in Merlins case the two of them didn't seem much of a different thing. He shook his head briefly when he waited in front of Gwens door for her to change and open the door. He had to concentrate again.

Gwen looked a bit surprised too when Arthur told her that Merlin went to change in the bathroom. "Is that normal?" She asked a bit curious and Arthur had to answer yes. "He does that in gym too. I'm quite sure that I haven't seen even his wrists more than twice." he managed to sound like he didn't even care and Gwen settled to that. They made some small talk and Arthur had to admit that Gwen looked nice in her cream coloured pyjama with small flower print in it. He briefly wondered how Gwens father was so trusting towards the two of them that he dared to leave Gwen alone with them for the night, but he was thankful of it nor the less. It wasn't like he or Merlin were any kind of threat and it was so much more fun to have the house for themselves.

When Merlin finally came back from the bathroom, he seemed a bit quiet and he concentrated more on his blanket than to their conversation. Arthur let him be, but when Gwen pointed out the red markings on Merlins neck, Arthur felt a small hurt again. He didn't like what he saw. Merlins neck had a red area with some small crust here and there. It started from the nape on his neck and it continued to under Merlins collar. Arthur wanted to touch it and when Gwen mentioned the lotion, Arthur wanted to put some on Merlin and stroke his neck gently and make the bruise go away.

"Really, it's ok. It's not so dry right now…" Merlin didn't seem too keen on using the lotion, but Gwen was having none of it and she popped the cap open. Arthur was sure he saw Merlin flinch away from the tube even if it seemed a bit like over reacting to Arthur. It was just some lotion… "I- it's not easy to reach it, so I have just kind of missed the spot…" Merlin tried when Gwen told him that he should do something now and it would prevent the itch later.

"I can put it on." Arthur offered. There was something that flashed in Merlins eyes then. It wasn't pleasant and it made Arthur feel hurt again. Was he really that unreliable to Merlin? Did he know how he had a crush on him, but just didn't say anything in order of not to hurt Arthurs feelings? That would explain how much Merlin dreaded his touch… But how could he know? It wasn't like Arthur had been aware of his crush for long himself and Merlin had been spending time with him even after that a lot so…

"Alright, alright, give me that." Merlin had finally cracked to Gwens reasoning (nagging) and he took some lotion to his hand and scrubbed it haphazardly to his neck. "Happy?" He asked sounding a bit annoyed. Arthur looked at the uneven result with white stripes of lotion here and there. He sighed. "No. Is there anything you are actually capable of doing?" He asked and Merlin looked at him blankly. "Putting up with you…" He said making Gwen snigger.

Arthur just sighed again and took a hold of Merlins shoulders and turned him around so his back was facing Arthur. Merlin made a sound of protest, but Arthur just silenced him by saying "Shut up Merlin." And he started to scrub the lotion with one hand and holding Merlins shoulder keeping him still with another. Eventually Merlins shoulders relaxed and he dropped his gaze making it easier for Arthur to scrub the lotion. The lotion was very oily and it took a while to get it absorbed. Arthur didn't mind. Merlins skin was indeed a bit dry and the scratch was quite bad. Arthur wondered how much it should itch if one did this to themselves. The crust suggested there had been at least a bit blood, it should have hurt.

Merlin felt upset when Arthur turned him around. His private space had been violated so many times that he couldn't even count, but still it felt as bad every time. Gradually he was able to relax with the surroundings and how different Arthurs touch was compared to Uthers. Just the way Arthurs hands felt softer and gentler not to forget that the touch wasn't sexual at all. It felt nice actually, after Merlin had relaxed, but with every minute of Gwen talking with soft voice of how Merlin should start using lotion regularly and with every soft circle Arthur made with his fingers, Merlin felt more and more tired.

When Arthurs hands disappeared, Merlins skin felt cold and he didn't want to rise his head. He just wanted to go to sleep. While Merlin would have wanted to stay awake as late as possible, he hardly participated in the conversation and soon they decided to go to sleep. It wasn't even eleven, but Merlin felt so tired, just so tired when he closed his eyes after collecting the blanket under his sides and placing himself as far from Arthur as possible and turning his back to him. Sleep took him soon after that.

* * *

The morning came too quickly and Merlin felt the moment he opened his eyes that he didn't want it to be today yet. Fortunately it was still quite early and Gwens breakfast after sound sleep and still some time left to stay, made Merlin content and his emotions were in control. It was nice change to feel like he was his normal self for once.

Elyan woke up to the smell of breakfast and their father too. Merlin got a change to speak with Gwens father this time and he found that he liked him quite a bit. He was calm and his voice was surprisingly soft and even if he was robust, he didn't make any quick movements and just the love he showed to his children made Merlin like him and regret how he had been weary of him the last time he had seen him. Elyan was tired and he went back to bed after breakfast, but made Arthur promise he would show his car to him before leaving and let him try driving it.

* * *

When Merlin was again sitting at Arthurs drivers seat on their way home, Merlin felt more balance than he had thought. He felt a bit normal and he felt a bit purer somehow. Arthur had been sleeping right next to him, he had touched Merlins neck and they had sat next to each others at breakfast too and Merlin hadn't done anything weird or even felt a need to do anything weird. Somehow that made him feel better going home again. In a way he felt that Uther could somehow sense if he had been thinking or doing something dirty and he was punished because of it. Now there was no need. At least not much. Arthur seemed to be in a good mood too and he kept telling how thrilled Elyan had been of his car in a proud tone. Merlin laughed with him and he was happy that Arthur wasn't angry with him because of their fight yesterday. He regretted it now.

Uther wasn't home until dinner time arrived and until then Merlin felt the house not so cold and threatening place. The dinner went well even if Merlin was nervous of what Arthur would tell about their visit, but Arthur kept himself vague and brief, he had after all made a cover story of them helping when Gwens father was sick. Merlin wasn't even sure why really, but he did recognise that spending a night without parents or even big brother present would have been a suicide with Uther, so he just settled on nodding now and then and commenting of what they had eaten while Arthur told half lies when his father asked something. Merlin missed those times when he had just yelled from outside to him mother that he would be spending the night over Wills house and his mother would just yell back not to stay up too late (which they of course had ignored).

Arthur dragged Merlin to the garden after dinner and when Merlin had finally gotten to his own room, he made an exception and took a shower. He was muddy and sweaty and he hadn't had shower last night. That proved to be a mistake when Uther opened his door just when Merlin had been gathering his blanket from the bed. He dropped the blanket back and he froze. Of course he should have expected this. It was like the last time he had been a night away. This was one of Uthers patterns. He would come before and after, just like Merlin had feared. Merlin whimpered. He didn't want this, he couldn't do it anymore. The school would start again and he just… he couldn't imagine another year like the last one had been. He had gotten so much better in last few weeks and he was near his old weight again. He just… no!

"Please! Not anymore, please…" Merlin felt tears roll from his eyes and he pleaded. Uther seemed to falter a bit and that gave Merlin just a tiny bit more room to try and say what he really felt. "I can't anymore. I- I don't want it. It hurts and I- I just, please let me just be! I promise I'll be good, I won't do anything- anything like that I won't, so please…" He was sobbing in the end and he had to wipe some of his tears away as his vision blurred.

Uther just walked to Merlin and took hold of his wrist and shook making Merlin whimper and try to cover himself with his hands. Uther pried his hands off of his face and bought his face close to Merlins. Merlin could feel his hard breathing on his face and he whimpered, he was so scared and powerless against Uthers rage. "I know your kind, you never change. How could I trust you? Huh? I'm away most of the summer and the first thing I see in my sons birthday party is you, checking out his friends! No doubt ogling at them, wishing they would notice you and make you suck their dick." Merlin felt shame wash down everything inside of him, but he still kept trying "I didn't! I promise! I promise I won't watch anyone like- like that. I-" "Silence!" Uther hissed trough his teeth and Merlin stopped in the middle of his sentence. He tried to blink some of his new tears from his eyes when his vision blurred once again.

"What a sorry sight you are… Crying like this for attention. Making your mother sad. I bet you didn't want to go to swim with her just because you didn't want her to see your hard on for the other men in the pool." Merlin tried to look away from Uthers face or shook his head to deny, but Uther let go of his other wrist and took a hold of Merlins jaw instead. "You are a faggot and you are not going to change." With that Uther pushed Merlin backwards to his bed and pushed his pyjama shirt up.

Soon Merlin felt his tongue on his nipples and he let out a yelp. "I don't want this…" he whimpered, but Uther paid no mind to him. He just continued trailing lover with wet tongue. Merlin shivered with disgust and he tried to struggle, but for that he felt Uther bite his nipple and it hurt. Badly. Merlins breath was short and ragged and Uther pushed him by his neck further to the bed so Merlins head was hanging partly outside of the bed and the blanket that he had already taken out of the bed was now in one pile under his back. Merlins legs were still hanging out of the bed on his desks side so his body made a kind of a very uncomfortable bridge and Uther had good access to his middle body.

Merlin felt the gravity pile blood to his head and with Uthers hand on his neck, even if it was just loosely there, it was hard to breath. Uther rubbed himself on Merlin and Merlin felt his head spin. God he hated this so much… it all felt too adult and too dirty and there was too much pain and panting and smells and sweat and Uthers hand on his neck burned his very soul. Merlin felt Uther tug his pyjama pants down along with his boxers and leave them to his ankles making Merlin feel even more restricted. Uthers body was gone for a moment and then Merlin felt him against his bare skin rubbing his bare erection on Merlins tight.

Merlins back was starting to ache, but he tried to stretch his head even further away from Uther, his neck further away from Uthers hand and hide his face from sight even if just a little. He still felt his tears fall and now they were falling to his forehead. He closed his eyes when Uther lifted his legs up to the bed and yelped when he pushed him further. Merlin felt like he was falling out of the bed. Uthers hands came to take a strong hold of his waist so Merlin didn't fall, but his head was now hanging half way to the floor. It was highly uncomfortable. Not was only too much blood in his head making Merlins head hurt and his ears hum in rhythm of his pulse, but he couldn't stabilise himself in any way. He couldn't reach the floor and the only thing other than Uther on the bed he could reach was his blanket and it didn't help at all.

He tried to squirm and he tried to fall out of the bed to get away from Uther, but Uther just squeezed him harder until it hurt. "You are hurting me…" Merlin still tried to make Uther see how he felt, but to his horror, Uther just laughed at him. Humourless, cold, sarcastic laughter. "But you enjoy it, don't you? Such a naughty little whore you are." To underline his point, Uther took a hold of Merlins now erected staff and pumped it up and down. Merlin felt cold ice run down his spine. He couldn't say anything to that. 'Why? Why am I like this….?' He didn't understand… he was uncomfortable and disgusted and restrained and scared. Why was his body reacting this way?

"You see why I have hard time believing you… I'm doing you a favour. You should be thanking me." Uther continued and popped the cap of the lube open. Merlin whimpered. "I don't like it… please stop…." But his reason screamed that this was all in wain and then he felt Uthers grip getting harder again in a way that told Merlin that he had gone too far. Now Uther was truly mad. "Listen you faggot, I have been patient with you, and this is what I get? You whiny slut, I'll give you something to whine about." He hissed and flipped Merlin around.

He didn't prepare Merlin in any way. He just squeezed some of the lube on Merlins ass, he hardly even took time to run his own erection with the lube before thrusting himself in. Merlin was so scared now. He bit the edge of his bed in order of not to cry out of the pain, but it didn't help much. He still made a loud sound even if it was muffled by the fabric in his mouth. Uther slammed into him hard and Merlin couldn't control himself, he pleaded and cried and pleaded some more for Uther to stop and to not hurt him, he wanted to make Uther understand desperately, but it just made Uther more angry.

Suddenly Uther pulled out and he took a hold of Merlins hair and he pulled Merlin out of the bed and on his knees. "Suck it." He commanded and thrusted his slimy penis on Merlins face. It smelled horrible and the knowledge of where it had been was enough to make Merlin gag just to the thought of taking it into his mouth. "Do it. Use that pathetic mouth to something useful." Uther told him angrily and shook Merlin by his hair. Merlin shook his head and Uther took hold of his jaw and squeezed it open from the sides. Merlin still struggled and his jaw was so tight that there was no way that anything was going in without braking something. Either his jaw or what ever was going in.

Uther bend down to whisper in Merlins ear "Keep resisting and I might not remember to keep you secret safe… " His grip lessened on Merlins face and Merlin bend his head down in defeat. He knew that he couldn't fight that and he knew that Uther knew. There were bitter tears in his eyes, but he willed his mind to push the present out of his mind and his muscles relaxed enough for Uther to pry his jaw open. Nothing was more important than keeping this secret.

The taste was horrible and the sliminess from the lube and… Merlin couldn't think about that, it was just too much. Merlin gaged and tried to spit in a reflex like manner while trying to concentrate on anything else in the world but failing miserably. Uther moved Merlins head by his hair few times before giving up and pushing Merlin off of him. Merlin spit and gagged and his stomach cramped, but Uther gave him no time to recover. Maybe that was actually for the better. If he had left Merlin even a little bit more time he would have surely thrown up.

Uther pulled Merlins face to look at him and he took hold of Merlins neck. "Stop this nonsense, faggot. Clean your own filth." and he pushed Merlin back to his crotch. Merlin was shaking all over now and his lower lip was trembling, but the tight hold on his neck was slowly becoming the most alarming thing in the present and Merlin slowly nodded, closed his eyes and fought to his reflexes as much as he could until Uther trusted himself into his mouth and came.

"Shallow it all." Uther whispered in Merlins ear and Merlin tried, he did, but his head was spinning and he gaged at the same time and he finally threw up. Uther let go of Merlin and took a hasty step back looking at Merlin in disgust while he trembled on all fours his stomach giving up everything it could. When Merlin couldn't vomit anymore, he just stared at the mess not having enough courage to look at Uther. But he still needed to try "I can't do this… please, I get sick I- " he panted in between his ragged breathing.

"Clean up your mess." Uther just said and turned to leave. Merlin didn't look up. He heard the door open and close and he was alone. He knew right then that Uther didn't care about him or his feelings at all. Not in any way. It didn't matter to him how Merlin felt or if he was hurt or sick or not. He hated Merlin. He hated the faggot he was and that was enough. It didn't matter that Merlin felt that he could do nothing to change that. It didn't matter to him if Merlin never would get a boyfriend or even touch or let another human being touch him more than absolutely necessary in normal every day life. It didn't matter if Merlin was happy or not with his life. He was homosexual and he needed to be punished for it.

Merlin had no tears left anymore, he had cried too much already, but the feeling didn't go anywhere. His eyes burned and his throat ached and his ass stung. He knew he had to move soon, but he just couldn't make himself to do that just yet.

Eventually he remembered that the door was again open and he stood up with shaky legs just to lock it again. It was late, no-one would come to check his door tonight. He would clean the floor and he would shower and then he would open the door again. There was not much choice for cleaning supplies in his room so eventually Merlin took one of his shirts from the laundry basket and used it rinsing it once in a while in the sink. He worked slowly and naked not bothering to dress now that the door was locked. He wondered why hadn't he locked it before?

Finally most of the vomit was gone, but the smell lingered, so Merlin opened his window as much as possible. The summer night air was warm, but to Merlins sweaty and sticky skin it felt cold, so he headed for the shower. He didn't bother to close the bathroom door and just sat on the floor. He had been able to push most of his thought out while cleaning but now all he could see were flashes of this night. He had tried to tell Uther how he felt… 'It was a mistake' Uther didn't care how he felt… 'does it even matter?' He had made Merlin suck his dick after he had entered Merlin…

Merlin shuddered. Was that even safe? It was so _dirty_ and even the lube… Merlin wasn't sure if it was meant for using orally. He gaged again when a new visual popped to his head and he had to concentrate for a while not to throw up again. It wasn't like there was anything to throw up anymore, but he knew he could just dry heave some greenish slime even after everything else was gone. That always tasted the worst. 'It matters to me…' Merlin mind decided to answer to his own question. Does it even matter? It matters to me…

Yes, it didn't mean much for Merlin for he felt himself dirty and guilty for so many things, but it did matter. He didn't want this kind of life and that was the truth. Even if his body was so sick that it got hard on Uthers touch, something in him was still resisting it and Merlin clung to that feeling. His eyes found the scar he had made himself and without more wondering, Merlin stood up and went to take his knife out again. He didn't want to make more scars to anyone to see, so he placed the blade right on the edge of the scar and pressed slowly this time. Slowly and in the corner of the shower so he wouldn't make the same kind of mess than last time.

The pain was so different from the one Uther caused him. It was cool and it filled his mind for just a second before he pulled the blade off and the pain started to dull. When the pain was dulling, Merlin felt short high and the bathroom light was again a bit sharper and the world more focused. He watched the blood slowly run from his wound. It was not even half of the size of the last one and he knew he would be happy about that tomorrow. He didn't feel faint like last time. He had much more weight on him now and he was more prepared and he was already sitting on the floor. He knew however that this was stupid, that he shouldn't be doing this and he hoped that tomorrow would again teach him not to do it again for a long time or maybe ever. He didn't want this to become a habit, somebody would surely notice at some point and he had no way to explain himself. He thought of his mother and he felt sad.

It was almost three o'clock in the night when Merlin finally got to sleep. He had made sure that there was no blood or vomit to be seen and he had dressed his would with a simple bandage. That was all he had got left. On his couch he hugged one of the couch pillows, the one Arthur had thrown at his face once, probably. He could still imagine the warmth on the pillow and he just let himself enjoy that. Hugging a pillow Arthur had (maybe) touched felt harmless right now.

* * *

In the morning Merlin woke up to a sound of knocking. He was dead tired and he didn't want to get up so he just turned to another side and let it be. He didn't even remember that he should care about the fact that he was sleeping on his couch. Then his phone rang. It was probably Will, trying to get back at him for waking him up deliberately few times. He ignored it too. Eventually the ringing stopped, but then it started again and the knocking on his door too started again. Merlin groaned and took his phone which was closer. It was Arthur.

Suddenly Merlin was wide awake. Why the hell would Arthur call him? He picked up non the less "Um, he-" He stated awkwardly, but was interrupted by Arthur hissing "Open your damn door right now before father comes up!" Merlin felt all blood drain from his face. The door... he had forgotten to open the door! He stumbled up, threw his blanket to his bed haphazardly and half run, half jumped with one foot to the door and opened it quickly. Arthur ended the call and sighed in relieve before fixing Merlin an annoyed glare. "The breakfast. One hour ago." And he left. Merlin rested his forehead on the door frame. How lucky that it had been Arthur…

After calming down a little and dressing himself, Merlin somehow managed to make himself go downstairs. When he saw no-one downstairs, he quickly took out a plate and smeared it with some yogurt so it would seem that he had eaten and placed the plate in the sink. He didn't feel like eating at all. Everything seemed to smell too strong. It was final week of the holiday and Merlin knew that the start of the school would bring him new routines to learn if he wanted to stay sane this year too.

When he saw Arthur warming up in the garden no doubt making new routines himself to make the best out of his team for this year too, Merlin made his mind. He would do it. He would bite his lip and take everything he deserved and after he turned 18, he would never come to this house again. He would get best grades on everything so he could go anywhere. Anywhere far enough, where Uther couldn't reach him. Or close enough so he could still look at Arthur like this. From behind a class window, but without touching or getting too close.

Arthur rose his gaze just in time to see Merlin looking at him and he waved Merlin to join him. Merlin smiled a little. Arthur wasn't mad at him then. He stepped trough the door and prepared himself to have at least dozen footballs kicked to his face, but he didn't mind. This was just fine. He wished he could have this for as long as he lived.

* * *

A/N Long chapter is long. I have kind of tried to keep the chapters in between 5000-10 000 words. This chapter is over 14 000. The next one will also be long, about 12 000 words. I hope it's not too much.

I got some awesome reviews for last chapter:

mersan123 I love these long reviews you are witing! Thank you, not only for this review but that you are continuing to review in every chapter, I'm highly interested in what you think as the story goes on! I'm clad that you liked the way I used the lines from the series, I have actually done that a lot in this chapter (as I'm sure you already noticed) and in the future chapters too, have fun finding them all ;) Yes, Merlins behaviour should consern those around him and while for example Gwen and arthur are also still teens of only sixteen years behind them, Hunith is the one who has the main responsability for Merlins well being and I still stand behind what I said about the teachers in Merlins school. For you, I have started to write a glimpse of Huniths thoughts. Look for it in chapter 14 :)

Angel Dove1 Thank you for a long and very heart warming review! I'm quite sure no-one has ever called anything I have done 'a work of art', I have read your review like ten times by now :) It is very true that people notice stuff, they think that 'he's weird' or 'there's something off' or 'what's wrong with him today?' but in the end they don't know what to do or say and so they never do. They might forget and brush everything of as nothing or even dismis the whole person because they are too weird or too much trouble. To their defence thought, it is not easy to ask someone seriously if everything is alright and resieve a serious and honest reply. For you I have started to write a glimpse of Lances thoughts. Expect to find it in chapter 15 :)

Guests I also got some guest reviews, thank you all for your comments! There were some very good questions, but I will only aswer one because I don't want to give anyting away ;) Yes, Morgana will make an appearance in this story, but that point is still far, far away. There were also two reviews asking me to update more often, for now I'm sorry, but my school is still on for another week and this is the fastest I can proofread this (my computers autocorrect is my worst enemy), but if I get more reviewers telling me that I should update more often, I'll see what I can do during the summer.


	13. Chapter 13 - Back to school

As expected the night before school started again, there was a discussion about the transportation. Merlin had not much to say about the matter, but he was relieved when Arthur volunteered to take him to school. Merlin had tried that he could wait for Arthur in the library and do his homework while he was in practices with Gwen, but Uther told him that 'it was no trouble for him to pick Merlin up, he was driving by anyway'. Bullshit, Merlin thought and he knew he had made a mistake by mentioning Gwen. He would regret that slip many times during the year.

The rest of the discussion didn't interest Merlin at all. Uther would drive his mother or something and thus they would leave before him and Arthur and there was something about Arthur taking responsibility of them being early at school or what ever.

That night Uther came to Merlins room for the first time after Merlin had thrown up on his feet and made Merlin suck him off. He reminded Merlin of concentrating on his studies and behaving. He never mentioned Merlins pleas or his vomiting. Merlin threw up quite a lot after that.

The first day of school was mostly like any other day for Merlin. He just had to wake up earlier and eat his breakfast with Arthur. He only actually really felt that he was going to go to school when Arthur left him standing alone next to their class room disappearing to greet his team mates. Merlin spent about ten minutes just staring the almost empty hallway before Gwen arrived. Arthur had wanted to play safe because this was the first time he had driven to the school. Merlin didn't mind, he could spend his time either staring at empty hallway or his empty room. It was all the same to him.

After two hours Merlin could tell that this year was going to be dull. They had a new english teacher who was so excited about her own subject that Merlin wasn't even sure if she remembered that she had pupils and the PE was again going to be the last two hours of monday. Those were the most interesting news of the day. Merlin regretted already that he had read some of this years books last year. Even with every teacher telling them how this year was going to be more challenging than the last, Merlin knew it wasn't going to be enough to keep him occupied. Or interested. 'My life is so boring…' Merlin thought when yet another teacher started to tell what they were supposed to learn this year.

Arthur wasn't as worried as he could have been when the third teacher started to pile up projects and essays that they were supposed to manage to do this autumn. He glanced at Merlin and he saw him looking like he was trying to turn liquid. If Merlin was bored, that meant he would make the best notes and be able to answer everything Arthur asked from him. Of course if this summer had taught Arthur anything at all, it was that a bored Merlin was a cranky Merlin and that wasn't as fun as it should have sounded. 'Well, at least he gets out of the house five times a week… and he has other friends than Gwen here, right?' Arthur had to really think, but in the end he couldn't remember if Merlin had talked about anyone else and even if Arthur knew that some of his team liked Merlin, he didn't seem willing to talk to them much. Like this morning Arthur had asked if Merlin wanted to come with him to find Oliver (his car had been in the parking lot) but Merlin had just told him he would rather wait for Gwen.

Arthur frowned a bit when their teacher told them about yet another group work and he scribbled the details to his notebook, but his mind was still on Merlin who also seemed to write something down, even if it couldn't be the whole summary the teacher was showing before again dropping his head on the desk. Arthur cursed that he couldn't do much to help Merlin with being bored. He would be at school until five every day and after that he still had to get excellent grades and even if he now had his own car, he would consider himself lucky if he could lie himself out of the house once a week. 'My life is so packed…' Arthur thought when he fished his new textbook from his bag.

* * *

In few weeks Merlin started to find his school self again. At first vomiting again in regular basis had sucked a lot out of Merlin. Uther seemed to like to show where he belonged by coming into his mouth and it just didn't agree with Merlins stomach even after all this time. Or psyche, whatever, Merlin didn't care where the problem was, his mind was on the result, vomiting.

Also Merlins mother was home so he figured that blow jobs were safer option in Uthers opinion. 'Jolly good…' was Merlins sarcastic thought to that. Merlin was loosing weight again and it was more painful that Merlin remembered it had been last year. Some days he would wake up and think, 'how did I do this last year?'. But every day he still managed to rise up and by the time he was sitting in Arthurs car, he would look normal and act like he was just not a morning person and/or that he just really didn't need breakfast.

When he found his school self, Merlin realised that he was capable of liking and getting excited of things again. At home it was still hard and he mostly just studied to keep himself occupied and to have an excuse not to do anything else with anybody. He also used a lot of time to make his notes so Arthur could loan them whenever he wanted. Still his moods varied greatly. Someday his good mood seemed to overflow in school and somedays he was too tired to care about anything. Gwen even joked about it sometimes because Merlin made sure that if he caught for example Gwen looking at him strangely when he was not in good mood to exaggerate so it was seen more as a joke or an attitude than anything else.

Vivian, oh so politely helpful as always, had commented that Merlin was like Marvin from the Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy one day when he was lying across his desk in math. This was actually so much of a surprise to Merlin that he forgot to b insulted, he never would have thought that Vivian would be one to read.

After that they had actually had something to say to each others and Merlin had managed to arrange some book swaps between them. Vivian had flicked her hair when he had asked and looked displeased at first (common expression on her face) but then to Merlins surprise she had replied "that sounds good, just please tell me you don't write your name on your books?" Merlin had no idea why she was asking, but he still had told her that no, he didn't write his name on his books and she had looked… almost pleased. "My father would go crazy if he found out that I have this kind of arrangement with a boy, so I'll just tell him that the books are from Gwen. And don't worry, I know you are safe." She had said and flicked her hair once more before she had practically told Merlin which kind of book to bring to her and when before walking off to somewhere.

"Oh, you don't mind Gwen that I use you to lie to my family? Oh, of course not, go ahead. Oh, you are the dearest Gwen, a real treasure!… Would it really hurt her so much to acknowledge that I'm standing right here?" Gwen mimicked Vivians 'I'm- more- important- that- thou- voice' to the fine art. She didn't like how Vivian had ignored her the whole conversation.

The teachers didn't care much about Merlins moods, he had excellent record and while some of the teachers had gotten annoyed at first with Merlins selective lack of backbone, they had just made Merlin answer some difficult question and when Merlin had answered correctly every time, they had given up. If he listened enough to know answers to every question, it was enough for them.

Arthur had tried to get Merlin out of the house. That was obvious to Merlin. He appreciated it, of course, but somedays it was just too much. As much as he wanted to be close to Arthur and every glimpse of his life that Merlin didn't see, felt like a lost glimpse, Merlin still couldn't find strength to it somedays. And besides, Merlin was quite aware that if he seemed too eager to go to see Arthurs friends he hardly knew and to play football he hardly could stand, Merlin risked to be found out. Even if Arthur seemed clueless of what happened around him in context of love and crushes, his friends might not be and Merlin feared them somedays as much as Uther.

In fact, Merlin was gradually closing himself off from most of the people. Some of his class mates had teased and even bullied him of being so lanky or spending so much time with just girls and most of all, changing for gym in the bathroom. That was not something Merlin could do, or say anything about. He was changing in bathroom and nowhere else and while it hurt him to hear how his classmates (and the boys from another class, they had joined PE) comment and guess his reasons (everything from a third nipple to hickeys to being an alien) he didn't say much. He couldn't, and while it felt like he was doing nothing and thus allowing it, the teasing stopped eventually.

As an after thought Merlin guessed that he had been too boring to be teased and he was happy with that. Still, he preferred to ignore everybody else than Arthur, Gwen, Elyan, Lance and maybe Vivian on the days she wasn't being too rude and the days they swapped books. Surprisingly, Vivian learned quite quickly that Merlins attention needed some level of niceness and actually the books she loaned to Merlin turned out to be quite interesting and somewhat different Merlin would have thought they would have been. On good days Vivian would comment on the books Merlin was loaning to her with approving tone. It was nice.

Lance Merlin mainly observed. He didn't talk to him apart from the necessary teacher-student things, but he kept an eye on him and Gwen every time he could. With a ghost of the taste of Uther in his mouth, Merlin just couldn't bring himself to lower all of his defences. He tried to keep in mind that Lance hadn't done anything wrong and Arthurs calmness on the topic and the fact that he himself liked Lance, but still he felt alarmed every time he saw Lance even look at Gwens direction. Some days Merlin wished he could just hang out with Lance a bit to get to know him better and finally lower his defences. Like had happened with Gwens father. But that was not an option so he was stuck.

It had been almost one month since Merlin and Arthur had spend a night in Gwens home when Merlin happened to stumble to Elyan in hallway alone and he suddenly remembered what he had promised to Gwen, so he made effort to talk with Elyan longer than normally. Elyan didn't seem to mind. Merlin could tell they got along well and he was happy for it. He needed friends and Elyan was a good choice if Merlins opinion was asked.

"So where were you all the nights at summer?" Merlin managed to slip to their chit chat. Elyan left his jaw hang for a moment, but he recovered quickly. "You are the first to actually ask me that mate…" He said looking almost flattered. Merlin wasn't impressed "I'm sure I'm not. How about Gwen?" Elyan rolled his eyes "Little sisters don't count. You are the first friend who has asked me that." he said grinning. Merlin had blinked at him confused. "Oh come on Merlin, you are a good guy and a friend. Don't look like that just hit you." Elyan had said with light tone and patted Merlin on the back, hard.

For once Merlin hadn't minded. He felt warm and happy that Elyan too thought of him as a friend. "But anyway, this is a secret alright? I have been doing some night sifts at this restaurant to save money. I can't tell you for what though." Elyan looked a bit embarrassed and Merlin gave him an unimpressed look. "It's for Gwen isn't it?" He said with a flat voice and Elyan blushed furiously "Damn it Merlin! Can't you at least guess that I have a girlfriend or something?!" Merlin laughed at his flushed state "You couldn't get a girlfriend if your life depended on it." He didn't mean it and when Elyan gave him a grumpy look in response, Merlin had to get a bit more serious. "I was just kidding, I just know the look you have on your face when you don't want Gwen to know you actually don't think she's like Arthur." Elyan gave Merlin a questioning look. "Annoying prat." Merlin replied to his unsaid question like it was common knowledge.

Elyan chuckled, but got more serious after that. "It's just… She just turned 16… and I want to get her something, she has been… you know, like a mother in our family after… anyway, and she is the youngest so…" Merlin knew what he meant and he could guess tha Elyan didn't want to talk about his mothers passing, so he just nodded. "What are you going to get her?" Elyan looked relieved that he didn't have to explain anything "I was thinking of a laptop. She would need one and she could actually be the one to make something of herself in our family, you know? And I wanted to get something like a birthday party too… It's late I know, but I still don't have enough money for the laptop. Now that Arthur doesn't pay half of my gas anymore I need some income…" Elyan glanced at Merlin "You know my sister the best, what do you think?"

Merlin was a bit surprised that Elyan asked him, but there was no doubt in his mind when he replied to Elyan "I think it sounds great! She will appreciate that you actually thought of her rather than just a general girl. You could throw in something small that lets her think that you actually have eyes and realise that she is a girl and beautiful… like nail-polish or a cute notebook." Elyan looked at him in wonder. "You really know what my sister is thinking… are you sure you wouldn't want to date her? I would appreciate that." Merlin grimaced at him. "No offence, but I'd rather not. I can tell you what she thinks even if we are not dating, I promise." Elyan laughed at that and Merlin relaxed again.

"Alright, alright, Thanks man, you put my mind at ease, but I might have to ask you about the nail-polis thing again later." Merlin grimaced again "Just don't tell anyone about that, I have enough trouble without adding a rumour of me being an expert on nail-polish… " Elyan seemed to understand and he patted Merlins shoulder laughing happily. "Alright, well see you another time, gotta run before old Geofrey will have my head." And he was off.

Merlin was satisfied what he had learned and he tried to think a way to tell Gwen as much as possible without giving Elyans surprise away. It was until half way to his class that Merlin realised that he hadn't thought of anything when Elyan had pated his shoulder even if he was a man. That made Merlin happy for many days. He could be just friends with a guy without having strange feelings! That meant a world to Merlin.

* * *

Arthur had seen quite a change in Merlin. He was clearly more animate in school, like last year, but the contrast against the summer was much greater. Merlin didn't seem as bored or as angry as he had been. Arthur had seen him laugh and smile and just enjoy himself all while being his witty self. It felt so good to see him like that, but Arthur still wished Merlin would be more like this at home too. Maybe it was too much to ask. Arthur wished that he could be the source of that carefree and happy place Merlin seemed to have at school. Maybe he was in a way, but not as much as he would have liked to be. He himself wasn't that much a fan of the school if not count the football and seeing friends. Still Arthur kind of understood that Merlin enjoyed school. He was good with it after all and he could just be with his friends and not worry about family (Arthur was not sure if Merlin included him in his family or friends actually…).

Arthur had also kept an eye on Merlin and he was now very aware that Merlin mostly talked with Gwen and Elyan and for some strange reason, with Vivian apart from Arthur. It wasn't that surprising that Merlin didn't like most of their class mates because of the teasing they did. At first Arthur had thought it was harmless, but after few too many comments on Merlins changing in bathroom habit, Arthur had felt his temper boil. What did it matter if Merlin didn't like to change in a middle of a big room full of loud idiots? And how was it any of their business anyway?

He had managed to get into a fight over the topic with two boys from their class and he knew he wouldn't have backed off on his opinion or defending Merlin so luckily the bullies broke it of with a 'Alright! Shees man! Keep your girl, it's not like I care.' Arthur could have commented on how Merlin was his step-brother and not a girl, but he didn't want to. So he just rolled his eyes. He kind of feared that this could start a new rumour and it could get him and Merlin under a microscope, but even if there would be a misunderstanding, it would be very easily corrected if it got too out of hand even if Arthur didn't say anything right now. His worry soon turned out to be for nothing, Arthur was popular, even more now that he had stopped being an ass himself long ago, so everyone left it at that and comments about Merlin stopped mostly and altogether in PE. Arthur never told about defending Merlin to him. He wasn't sure if he would appreciate.

Even if Merlin was looking happier, he was still far from predictable. He wasn't exactly angry anymore, more like unnervingly calm actually. At least on the surface. One of the days Merlin had been in his bad mood, Arthur had actually found himself standing next to their stairs looking after Merlin who had gotten fed up of social contact for the day (or so it seemed). That was nothing unusual, but what was, was that Hunith was standing there with Arthur looking exactly like he felt. "He used to be so calm you know? I knew that this phase would come at some point but I guess I'm still not used to seeing him so…" Hunith trailed of, but Arthur knew what she meant. He didn't say anything, but some reason he felt that Hunith understood anyway.

If there was something good on the endless projects and group works their teachers seemed to think they needed in order to success in life, it was that Arthur had managed to pair with Merlin in most of them. Even those they had to make alone, Arthur often asked if Merlin wanted to do them together. Merlin usually said yes, even if after few times Arthur learned that Merlin had already finished his work before Arthur had even started. He had no idea when Merlin managed to do that. Those few hours Arthur was in practices? Was the football really taking this much time from his school work? But with Merlins help, Arthur was getting results and he didn't dare to question why Merlin was helping him as long as he was helping and Arthur had a reason to spent more time with him.

After the school had started and after what Gwen and Merlin had told him, Arthur had noticed some girls who blushed when he looked at their direction or asked him if he wanted to do some pair project with them and he was quite sure that when one girl from year above had asked him if he wanted to go to visit her sisters cafe, she had meant it as a date. The girl had been a daughter of one of Uthers business associations so he kind of couldn't be sure, but he knew that if he had told about that to his father, he would have told Arthur to go 'to make good relations' or something along those lines. Arthur understood where his father was coming from and the girl was popular and pretty… Maybe he should try dating? If not for other reasons, then at least just so he could find out if he really had a serious crush on Merlin? But the thought troubled him to the point that when one morning Merlin had asked why he looked like he had swallowed a lemon, Arthur had actually blurted out that he wasn't sure if he should date this girl or not.

"Oh, that's not really something I should tell you." Merlin seemed to understand and his tone was calm even if Arthur could hear tha Merlin _did_ have an opinion on the mater. Still Arthur knew that Merlin was right. He should make these kind of decisions himself, but he had no idea of what to do and he wanted Merlins opinion. "I'm asking you Merlin." Ok, it might have come out a bit irritated, but Arthur was a bit on the edge. He needed an honest answer and he was highly uncomfortable on the subject. He hoped that Merlin wouldn't laugh at him this time.

"You really want to know what I think?" A quick glance to Merlins direction told Arthur that he wouldn't. That was a relieve and Arthur felt comfortable now so he nodded. "I think you are mad, I think you are all mad, people should date those who they love, not those they find convenient. What ever your father says, remember that even if he wants you to succeed in life, you have the choice of how you do it." Arthur could only listen Merlins answer his mouth hanging slightly open. Merlin looked him straight in the eye looking more serious than Arthur had ever seen him before. He had no words to answer anything and as he parked his car, Merlin averted his eyes. They hadn't talked more on the subject and Merlin never asked Arthur what his choice had been, but Arthur felt that it wasn't necessary. He had gotten his answer. He never even mentioned the whole thing to his father.

What he of course did, was that he politely refused the invitation stating that he had too much work to do. Still he had given serious thought to every girl who approached him after that. If he could find himself interested in any of them, going out on a date might not be such a bad idea. After all, then he could make some order on his thoughts and feelings even if they might just confirm that he indeed had a crush on Merlin.

But in the end Arthurs didn't find himself interested in any of them and Merlins words kept ringing in his ears making it impossible to even think going on a date with some random girl. The only one he found himself interested in was Merlin. It had made him feel devastated at first, (mainly because he couldn't ask Merlin out) but now he had come to terms with his feelings. He still didn't know if his crush made him gay or not because he really only wanted to spent time with Merlin and be close to him and maybe cuddle a bit. He kind of knew that if Merlin would (for reason unknown) ask him to kiss him, Arthur would do just that, but it wasn't one of his priorities.

The idea of sex and the messy looking snogging he had seen glimpses of in the school (there was a corner in the football field that apparently was a popular snogging place) held very little interest for him and the fact that the general populaton seemed to expect that things like that were constantly in his mind just because he was a teenage boy caused him distress and he dreaded the day when someone would expect him to take that kind of action. Now that he thought about it, maybe gong to a date would have been a terrible idea.

With Merlin he felt at home for many reason and one of them was that Merlin never seemed to expect anything from him for his own convinience. It was not just that Merlin didn't demand him to be something that he was not like his father did all the time, but that he never just asumed how Arthur felt or thought. So maybe it was not that surpricing that Arthur wanted spend a lot of time with Merlin. It wasn't always easy because Merlin didn't want to do just anything it seemed. He wouldn't come with Arthur if he wasn't in the mood of football or to see his friends. But studying, if Arthur asked, Merlin would always come to Arthurs room to study.

While Arthur was sure that if it was not for Merlin, he would never have studied even half this much without having to bash his brains out just in order of not to die in boredom, but when he got home from his football practises tired and just wanting to lie down and watch a movie, it still only took about half an hour for him to get anxious and then he would get up and go to knock on Merlins door.

He was happy that Merlin had let some of his guard down when they were studying and Arthur had slowly moved from sitting one meter apart from Merlin to sitting less than half a meter apart from him. Merlin didn't seem to notice the change and it made studying a bit easier when they could actually look at the same book at the same time. It seemed that Merlin was getting used to Arthur. Finally. One day Merlin had even leaned at Arthur when he had been laughing. Arthur had felt a rush of electricity on his skin. He wished Merlin would do that much more often. After the moment was gone Arthur had caught Merlin looking at his hand in disbelieve. Maybe he was as surprised by the gesture that Arthur had been.

* * *

Merlin had grown during the summer so he and Hunith had gone shopping for new clothes after the school had started. Merlin had bought only clothes with unusual colours. He now had not just purple and green and red shirts, but also brown and green and red pants as well. And he never matched them together. According to Merlins sense of style, the more colours he could wear at the same time, the better.

"Green trousers, purple shirt and brown jumper (the same old one, Merlin almost never left it at home) and you wonder why you are teased at school?" Arthur had to comment one morning when they were driving to school. Merlin looked down on himself and then back to Arthur. "Well, I happen to like colours." He replied like it was no big deal, but in reality he was bothered that Arthur didn't like his style. It should have been a trivial thing, his clothes were the last thing on a very long list of reasons why Arthur would never like Merlin the way Merlin felt about him and they didn't even make to the list of Merlins other problems in life, but still… right now it felt troubling.

Arthur was quiet for a while before mumbling. "I guess it suits you… It's actually cool that you are yourself what ever people say around you…" Merlin blinked once not really sure he had really heard what he thought he had heard. 'Cool' wasn't something he would have associated with himself, but the way Arthur said it didn't seem forced or sarcastic. Merlin blushed and he had to turn to face the side window. "Thanks…" he said quietly. He was happy. It felt awesome to hear Arthur tell him that. Merlin memorised every single word and stored the warm feeling inside his heart. He would think of them every time someone commented how weird he looked and every morning when he chose his clothes for the day.

After feeling like he was on a cloud for the first hour or so, Merlin thought that it was quite annoying how much Arthur could affect his moods, but as long as Arthur said nice things like that, Merlin would be happy and take everything he got. It was just that it came with a risk. Merlin knew that if Arthur would say something negative about him or for example if someday he would share his fathers opinion of gays, Merlin knew he wouldn't be able to take it. He would grumble from the inside. If not immediately, then gradually until there was only dust left. It wasn't a nice thought. For a while Merlin wondered if he should ask Arthur what he thought about gays, but the answer frightened him too much and it felt too risky anyway, so Merlin said nothing.

* * *

It was yet another group project that let Arthur an opportunity to get him and Merlin to sleep over at Gwens. They had managed to form a group of three and they were really excited to work together. Vivian was grumpy because she had also wanted to work with Merlin (it was an english literature project and for once Vivian was capable of doing a good job). Merlin had of course completed his part of the task on one long night he had waited for Uther to make appearance and tried not to dwell on that Uther could make his appearance and definitely not think of Arthur while waiting. So, they would probably get the work done quite smoothly and that would leave them time to do something fun. Gwen had told them that her father had promised that they could have the house for themselves unlit about ten in the evening if they promised to go to sleep when he got home from work, he had an early shift the next morning. He had taken a liking of Merlin and Arthur too and he seemed to see their friendship as just what it was. Just friends, no danger attached for his daughter. While knowing what had happened to his wife, Merlin was grateful for his trust.

Arthur had worded his request to get to spend the night at Gwens from friday to saturday very carefully. They would come home for dinner and leave afterwards. They would need the night and most of the saturday to get the project started and they would be back for dinner again on saturday. Arthur had been making a point of how good team the three of them made and finally Uther had agreed and sounded even pleased that Arthur thought that he had a group they could get the job done well. But he also made quite clear that he expected results. That didn't bother Arthur. He hadn't lied when he had told his father that he had the best group he could hope from their class. Merlin being ahead of everyone in any given subject was more of a rule than an exception and Gwen was smart and hard working and she had eye on detail. Arthur felt that he was actually the weakest link of the group.

The friday came and Arthur woke up excited and eager to get the school day done so he could go to Gwens with Merlin. They would start the project and then they could have fun and in the end Arthur could sleep next to Merlin. That just felt very, very nice. If Arthur had some luck, maybe he would hear something more he didn't know about Merlin. Maybe there would be even a change to hear more about which kind of girls Merlin preferred. In a way Arthur didn't want to know and he was usually glad that Merlin didn't go on and on about girls like most of their class mates, but with the level of distress of anyone touching him, Arthur had started to suspect that maybe Merlin was something like himself? Maybe he either just wasn't interested or that he even hated physical contact if he wasn't absolutely sure that the person didn't have any ulterior motives. That would explain why he could still hug Gwen, she had a crush on someone else after all. Arthur had wanted to talk about that many times now, but he felt it too awkward to start that kind of conversation himself.

After Arthur had told good day to his father and Hunith, Merlin hadn't still shown his face. This wasn't that unusual even if Merlin knew that his mother didn't like that not to even mention Arthurs father. Arthur made his way upstairs. He would check on Merlin so they wouldn't be late. Merlin wasn't a morning person clearly and he rarely even ate breakfast stating that he didn't feel like eating so soon after waking up. Arthur usually forced him awake after their parents were gone just to get him to eat even a little bit. Arthur had again noticed that Merlin seemed thinner. Though it was hard to tell because Merlin wore so many layers, so it could be just that Merlin had lost one of his underneath shirts…

When Arthur knocked the door and stepped in immediately after that, like usual. Merlin however wasn't like he usually was, collecting his stuff or changing in his closet, he was sitting on his couch, staring into nothingness. He didn't even look at Arthurs direction. "Merlin, time to go. What are you doing?" Merlin didn't answer, but he stood up. He was still in his pyjama and Arthur frowned. Would he be ready in time? "You know that we don't have that much time right?" He had to ask and Merlin looked at him blankly. "I know. Go away. I'll change."

This wasn't usual either. Merlin rarely told him to 'go away' even when he complained about Arthur barking into his room. "Are you alright?" Arthur had to ask. Merlin didn't seem alright and worry started to creep on Arthur. Merlin had dark circles under his eyes and when he walked towards his closet, he seemed to sway. Like he wasn't entirely in balance and he could trip to his own feet at any given moment. He was also pale. "I have a headache." Merlin just said, still not looking at Arthur before closing the closet door behind him. That wasn't good. Arthur felt uneasy, Merlin being sick somehow made him a bit sick too. He wanted to help, so he left Merlin to change and went to search some painkillers. That should help, right? He also took one of his water bottles and filled it with some juice. Even if Merlin would be late, he could take the medicine in the car.

The ride to school was a silent one. Merlin reluctantly agreed to take the painkiller and he seemed to get a bit better with it, but not by much. The whole day he looked like he wasn't really there and by the time Arthur got home, Merlin had collapsed to the living room couch and Hunith was besides him asking what was wrong. Merlin normally never stayed in the living room and Arthur had to wonder had Merlin been too tired to get upstair so he had just collapsed on the first surface he had seen? That couldn't be good.

"Merlin? You still have a headache?" Was the first thing he said and Hunith turned to look at Arthur a bit confused. "He told me he had a stomach ache…" She said and Arthur tried to explain himself automatically even if he was confused himself "At the morning he had a headache. He took some painkiller for it…" Understanding dawned to Huniths face. "Oh, I see… Did he eat anything before taking it? Arthur shook his head "No, he drank it with some juice thought." He wasn't sure what this had to do with anything, but he didn't see anything wrong with telling the truth either. "What kind of painkiller was it?" Hunith asked and Arthur had to confess that he didn't remember.

He went to get the baggage and when he returned with a box of aspirin, Hunith looked at the baggage her brow furrowing slightly. "Aspirin can irritate stomach… How many did he take?" Arthur hadn't known that and he felt bad that he might be the cause of Merlins distress. "Two… I didn't know…." Hunith nodded again and turned to her son "Merlin? Should you stay home after all? You don't seem too good." Arthur felt disappointed and a bang of guilt. Disappointed because he had been waiting for this sleepover more for the reason that it would be with Merlin than anything else and guild because Merlin clearly didn't look good and here he was, thinking only himself. "We really need to start the project…" He still tried a bit hesitantly feeling guilty, but hoping that Merlin would take the change to tell his mother that he would be fine. He could rest at Gwens too… Arthur knew that Gwen wouldn't mind.

"Sorry Arthur, I feel a bit sick… I think it's best if I just rest at home… You can take my notes with you." Merlin said and he did sound sick. And tired, but also a bit guilty. "Gwen will be disappointed…" Arthur still tried even if he knew that he would feel bad if Merlin would come rather for Gwen than for him. Merlin turned his head and looked at him with tired expression. He slowly shook his head. "I wouldn't be any use to you like this. I have already done my part, I'l give it to you before you go." Hunith agreed to everything Merlin had said and Arthur knew there was nothing he could do. He didn't want to go like this. He wanted to stay with Merlin. He wouldn't have any fun without Merlin anyway and he would just worry if he left Merlin here.

"Then I'll stay here with you." He said with a tone that suggested that no argument would be needed. He wouldn't change his mind anyway. This however seemed to get some life back to Merlin. "No! No, it's alright, I'll just sleep anyway and you have a project to start." Hunith was worried too. Arthur knew that she had made plans for tonight and Uther would be working late like usual. "Arthur, you should go. I'll stay with Merlin. I'll just call that I can't come after all… Susan will just have to find someone else to help her, I'm sure she understands." "But you promised her already, right? I can stay, it's no problem, it's better if we can work all three together anyway so…" Hunith and Arthur continued to argue politely for a while who would stay with Merlin until Merlin had enough.

"I can stay here alone! It's just a bit of a head ache, I'm 15! I just need some rest and I know full well how to sleep without any help." Hunith looked at Merlin a bit hesitantly. "Merlin dear, it's just that you are never sick like this…" She said making Arthur a notch more worried. "It's nothing serious. And I can call you if it get's worse. I'll just sleep and I can get something to eat before you go." He reasoned sounding annoyed but not letting his temper get better of him. Hunith seemed to notice this too and he reluctantly gave up. Maybe because she didn't want to fight with sick Merlin? Arthur would have wanted to tell Merlin that tough luck, he wasn't going anywhere, but it felt too suspicious and Arthur had to bite his lip not to show how torn he felt not to be able to stay by Merlins side.

In the end they all ate dinner in silence, Arthurs father came home just before dinner and he would leave with Hunith soon after and give her a lift to her school friends home before going to his office again. He also found it reasonable that Merlin would stay home rather than go anywhere and he seemed to think that Merlin would be alright here alone. That didn't surprise Arthur at all. His father had never stayed with him or Morgana either when they had been sick. Even when they had been a lot younger than Merlin was. Merlin ate some soup for dinner and soon he excused himself and Arthur heard his door close soon after.

After Hunith had gone to Merlins room to make him promise that he would call if he needed anything at all and getting him some water and painkillers (paracetamol this time) to his arms reach, their parents left. Arthur had already called Gwen who was disappointed, but not surprised. "Merlin looked awful the whole day…" she had told Arthur who had to agree that she was right. He regretted that he had pressed Merlin and pressured him to come with him. He would have just suffered that way.

Before leaving, Arthur wanted to make sure that Merlin was alright. He knocked softly on Merlins door and stepped in without waiting for replay like he always did. He was surprised to see Merlin next to his couch, changing to his pyjama. He had just been taking his shirt off, but he pulled it back down as soon as he saw Arthur. He had no pants anymore and he looked troubled. Arthur blushed a little, he hadn't seen Merlin change for… he had no idea for how long. He felt his eyes wander, he hadn't done that before… He kind of knew that he should stop, but before he could, his eyes found something he was positive he hadn't seen before and that caught his attention. There was a scar on Merlins tight just under where his boxers ended.

"Where did you get that?" He asked before he could think. Merlin was pulling his pyjama pants on as fast as he could and he looked at Arthur with expression Arthur found hard to read. "What do you mean?" It sounded to Arthur more like Merlin tried to avoid answering than he didn't know what Arthur had meant, but he didn't call him for that. "That scar. I didn't remember that you had one…" Merlin looked uneasy and he didn't look at Arthur when he mumbled. "It's just an old thing… Stupid really."

Arthur wasn't convinced. He still was quite sure that he hadn't seen that scar on Merlin before. Of course he could be wrong, he hadn't looked at anyone very carefully and when he had started to pay attention to Merlin like that, he had been changing in bathrooms and closets for a long time already. But that aside, the scar didn't look old at all… It had been pink and kind of fresh looking. Arthur had seen quite a few scars, he himself had some he had gotten playing and he remembered how one scar he had gotten as a child had turned white with time. "What happened?" He asked wanting to know more. Merlin frowned. "I ran into a barred wire fence once when I was seven." Arthur shuddered. That sounded painful. He had again forgotten how Merlin had used to live in countryside.

"I thought you came for the notes…" Merlin said changing the subject and not looking at Arthurs face. He had now changed and he walked to his desk. He didn't sway anymore when he walked, but he didn't look good either. Arthur felt stupid for concentrating on Merlins scar he had apparently missed totally in the past while Merlin was sick and should be in bed.

It didn't take long for Merlin to fish some papers from his desk and hand them to Arthur. He looked at the notes and he saw neat summary of characters and plot of the book and some side notes written with Merlins small handwriting. It was six pages and Arthur was quite sure that it would cover at least half of the whole work. It was really a wonder when Merlin managed to do this all…

"I… wow, well, I'm sure we can get a lot done with these. Do you need anything?" He was at loss of words. Merlin looked at him tiredly, but a bit … pleased? "No. Just go already. Have fun. I'll come next time so…" Arthur nodded. He really didn't want to go… Maybe if he had told Gwen that he would stay with Merlin and just not say anything to Hunith or his father? And then he could have just stayed and what ever, read, on Merlins couch while he slept and get him anything he needed when he was awake? And then somehow hide from their parents until tomorrow and pretend that he had been at Gwens? Arthur sighed. That really wasn't an option or even possible.

He ruffled Merlins hair a bit. "I'll go now, sleep well." He said before leaving the room and closing the door. Arthur had no will to go, but he still made himself move to his car. He knew he could have fun with just Gwen, but… 'pointless, without Merlin it's pointless.' Arthur thought while driving. This must be one of the down sides of having a crush, while everything felt better and more bright and he felt more motivated when Merlin was around, everything felt equally dull when Merlin wasn't around and Arthurs thoughts seemed to stay with him even if he had other friends who he wanted to see. 'Maybe it would be easier if I could at least talk to someone about Merlin…' But he knew that wasn't an option either. He would have to be careful with Gwen around, he didn't want Merlin to know about this and Gwen was way sharper than Arthur with these kind of things.

* * *

Merlins night had been awful. Uther had come to 'make sure that Merlin remembered to work hard and behave'. It wasn't that Merlin hadn't waited that to happen, but for start, Uther had been late. Merlin had waited and waited not daring to go to sleep and eventually Uther had come. In a way he hadn't even done anything Merlin hadn't expected. He had made Merlin strip himself and he had made Merlin open Uthers pants and take his thing into his mouth while Uther himself sat on the chair in front of Merlins desk. Maybe it was the way Merlin had to do everything himself. He guessed that it was because of the time he had told Uther he didn't want this. This was Uther way of showing him that what ever Merlin had said, he would do it anyway. That Uther didn't believe or care how Merlin felt.

After Uther was gone, Merlin had thrown up and he had lied a long time under his shower thinking of why he had done what he had done. He feared Uther, but why? Yes, he had the pictures that could destroy Merlins life and yes he hurt Merlin, but when would it stop mattering? He would get hurt either way and right now, Merlin felt so tired that he wasn't sure of how long he could keep his secret himself.

Sure he knew that if the truth got out, his life would turn to a much more miserable and possibly more panful one. He would lose all the people he held dear for sure. What if for example his mother found out? Would she tell Merlin that he deserved this and stand by Uther while he made Merlin do this over and over again? Or would she hate Merlin for betraying her with her husband? Or would she be angry at him for destroying her marriage? It was an endless swamp of questions and in the end Merlin couldn't make himself sleep. He stayed awake and tried to distract himself with reading and studying. He had already written character summary for the book review, but now he took the book out once more and made a summary of the plot too. Chapter by chapter and when he was ready, the sun had already gone up.

Merlin found himself unable to go downstairs. He was wide awake even if he had stayed up for the whole night. His throat felt dry and he was quite hungry, but eating just didn't feel like something he would be able to do anytime soon. He looked at the work he had done. He was a bit pleased with it actually. Most of the stuff he had written they could use and the rest of the information they would need was now stored in Merlins memory. He had read the book now twice after all.

Merlin made his way to his couch. He wasn't exactly sure why, it just made him tired and he really wanted just to lay down and sleep until he couldn't anymore. But he knew that he couldn't right now. Arthur would come and wake him up soon if he didn't move himself.

In the end he didn't move. Only when Arthur asked if he was alright, did Merlin remember that he was supposed to act like normal. He faked a headache hoping that Arthur would leave it at that. He took too much time to change and only left when Arthur called him again. His limbs were cold and his fingers barely moved. He had been sitting in front of his desk with wet hair and only a pyjama to protect him from chilly night air.

To his surprise Arthur had some medicine for him and juice. Merlin didn't really want to take the painkillers because his empty stomach was lurching at the thought of taking in anything, but the juice actually made him feel a bit better. He had been so hungry, but in the state of his self pity, he wanted to feel a bit bad, so the juice was the only thing he took. He didn't eat lunch and he didn't want to see anyone. Gwen followed him everywhere the whole day and Merlin hated it. He hoped that Lance would pop from some corner and take Gwen out of his hands, but no such luck. The only thing that made him a bit happy was that he managed not to snap at Gwen.

After spending a whole day trying to be alone and acting normal while doing it, Merlin really didn't have any energy left. When Uther had not just made him to open his own pants himself in the car, but also open Uthers pants and cares him while they drove home, Merlin was spend. Uther had to go to some work thing and Merlin could barely walk to the living room couch before collapsing on it. He slept, for a while, but not well and he was awakened by his mother too soon. His stomach hurt and he felt like vomiting so that was what he told to his mother. Of course Arthur had to come in and tell Hunith about Merlins lie earlier. This really was not what he needed right now.

After Arthur was gone, Merlin felt a bit guilty for lying to him straight to his face. He had no way he could explain the scar he had, so he had told the story of what had happened to Will. They had been playing on the edge of a forrest and they had gone too close to a farm nearby and Will had tripped… It hadn't been pretty and Merlin remembered vividly running to get help while Will didn't dare to move because he was practically lying over the fence and if he had moved, his hands and face would have gotten cut too. A neighbour had lifted Will up and he had gotten six stitches to his tight. Something that he had been stupidly proud of for a long time. Merlin could just hope that Arthur didn't know what a scar made by barred wire looked like and that he wouldn't check his story from Merlins mother. Why did he have to come to Merlins room right then? Merlin as sure as hell wouldn't change out side of his closet ever again.

After having been left alone, Merlin started to feel better. Well, better was an underestimating, he loved to be alone! Oh, it felt like a party. He could go anywhere in the house and nobody would be there to make him uncomfortable. He strolled around the house for a while and he even got some cookies from their kitchen to eat and after those, his stomach didn't hurt anymore. It was funny how the house he had come to hate didn't feel so bad now that there was no-one in it. It was actually a quite alright house and Merlin found himself touching random details like the end of the railing that let upstairs or small decorations in the frame of their back door.

In the end Merlin found himself from Arthurs room. He felt like he was trespassing and a little guilty being there, but it was just… like an opportunity he couldn't pass. The room smelled like Arthur and that alone made Merlin feel relaxed.

Merlin took some time to just walk around in Arthurs room. He liked it and every nook of the room felt like Arthur. He would have just wanted to touch everything. In the same way that he liked to hug the pillow Arthur had touched (even if he had lost count of which pillow it had actually been a long time ago). This was just much more intense. Finally Merlin sat on Arthurs couch and took one of it's pillows to his lap and read a book. He would have been perfectly happy with himself if he hadn't heard a door open and close downstairs.

Merlin panicked. He dropped the book he had been reading and he stormed to his own room as fast as possible. He dove under his blanket, in his bed, and hoped that it wasn't Uther and that even if it most probably was, he wouldn't come into his room. Being on his bed made Merlin feel horrible. He was so tense that he shook and when he heard the door of his room open, he was sure that he would faint. But he didn't. He closed his eyes and tried to stay as still as possible. He heard the steps coming closer and stop just in front of the bed. 'In, out, one, two…' Merlin made himself breath steadily. He knew he couldn't hold this for long and when he heard footsteps getting away from him, Merlin almost cried in relieve. Almost. He couldn't do that right now.

After that Merlin didn't dare to move. The door was now closed, so Merlin had no way of knowing if Uther had gone or if he was standing right next to Merlins door. Or if that had even been Uther at that matter. Merlin just felt safer asuming the worst.

After lying very very still in his bed for about an hour, Merlin started to drift in the border of sleep and awake. He only rose up when his mother stroked Merlins cheek softly to wake him up. At first Merlin felt it too intimate, but eventually he just accepted that he had missed his mothers touch. He didn't have fever, but he told his mother that he still felt faint. If he had luck, he could stay in bed for at least tomorrow… Merlin hoped that now that he had been home and 'sick', Uther wouldn't need to 'remind' him of anything afterwards.

Hunith had made some broth for Merlin to eat from a mug and she confesse that she had gotten a lift from Susan to a super market and back home. She herself had children and she understood perfectly well that Hunith had wanted to get back home to take care of her son herself. The knowledge that it had been his mother coming back home that he had heard left Merlin relaxed and he sincerely thanked his mother. He realy did love her very much. He wished he could show it better and more often.

Merlin waited for the night to come before he moved his blanket and pillow to his couch. He could finally feel comfortable even if not as much as he had been able to when he had been alone. Arthurs and Merlins rooms were connected by a door in their closets and Merlin imagined that he had courage to go to sleep in Arthurs room. He could slip back in early hours and he wouldn't need to go to the corridor. Merlin imagined he did just that and he fell asleep picturing himself on Arthurs couch. When he woke up in the morning, he felt disappointed to find himself from his own room.

* * *

Arthur came home much earlier than he was supposed to. Merlin had been faking of being ill the whole morning and he was currently lying on his couch, reading a book and feeling like he could get used to this when Arthur knocked his door and let himself in, like always. Merlin automatically turned to his side and hid the book under his blanket.

"Hey, how are you feeling? Would you come and have some lunch with us?" Arthur clearly had instructions from Merlins mother so Merlin frowned at his pillow not looking at him. "No. I'll have some more of the broth mother made me yesterday…" Arthur sat on the edge of Merlins couch. Merlin was very clad that he was facing the another direction for his eyes widened and he felt his cheeks go red. He felt Arthur against his bend knees trough his blanket. "You need anything else? I can bring it to you…."

Merlin just wanted Arthur to get closer to him and stroke his hair and hug him until he fell asleep, but well…. not a change. "Could you get me a class of water?" he asked hoping that Arthur hadn't been just teasing him. He found it hard to tell peoples moods if he couldn't see their faces.

Arthur bought him a glass of water feeling that he could do much more than that. But really, there was not much that he could do if Merlin didn't ask. "You can come and get me if you need anything…" Arthur told Merlin mostly because he wanted to keep talking to him. Merlin turned his head to look at Arthur and he actually smiled a little. "You know that I have a mother for that, right?" Arthur had to blush and he would have felt panic if Merlins tone wasn't so light. And seeing Merlin smile… It just lifted most of Arthurs uneasiness.

Somehow Arthur managed to move the topic to what they had done with Gwen. "Elyan was also at home so I had to try and manage with the two of them… I was saved by your notes, they kept Gwen occupied and Elyan out of the room. You know how much he hates english?" Merlin had actually good time listening to Arthur and when he left for the lunch, Merlin felt better. Really better. In an unlogical way Merlin felt a bit jealous that he hadn't been there, but even now, he didn't have any energy and even imagining of going to Gwens was too much, he really felt too tired and depressed for that. And Uther… Merlin just wished so much that he would let him be tonight…

Uther didn't come that night nor the next and Merlin felt he had made the right decision. But as soon as monday, Gwen and Arthur started to plan another sleepover to finnish the project and Merlin knew he couldn't pull a new fake sickness. "Your notes were awesome! We didn't even need the book for the whole night and now we just have the summary and our own opinions to write. I found some good pictures yesterday and I have it all on my laptop." Gwen told Merlin the first change she got. Elyan had managed to give the laptop to Gwen alongside with a pretty case for it. Gwen had been over the moon and she had not cared at all that it was nearly three months late.

After that Merlin had been able to tell Gwen how Elyan had worked trough summer for the present. Gwen hadn't told that to Elyan, but she appreciated the effort and Elyan had commented to Merlin how every hour of washing dishes had been worth it if a laptop had made his sister so nice and forgiving. Merlin had not corrected him that Gwen actually felt loved by her brother and that put her mind at ease.

The autumn had rolled on while Merlin hadn't paid any attention and it was getting chilly outside and the only tree in their garden had dropped its leaves. Not eating was once again suiting Merlin better than eating and Merlins sense of hunger was more and more irregular. At times he woke up in the small hours because he was so hungry, but after being found by Uther once trying to get something from the fridge, Merlin didn't dare to try it again. Uther hadn't been pleased with him to say the least and had dragged Merlin back to his room. The next day Merlin had trouble sitting and he had to concentrate on walking so he wouldn't limp. His 'respect for mealtimes' had only gone down the drain after that and once nobody had been at home, Merlin had snug some cookies and jam into his room. The combination of chocolate and strawberry jam was not the most sophisticated, but the sense of rebellion and possibly the much needed calories and sugar made it taste awesome at four o'clock in the morning.

Even if he couldn't go to fridge when he was hungry or when he had thrown up, food was still one of the rare things Merlin actually felt he could control in his life even if just a little. He often found himself lying about what, when and how much he had eaten. It was addictive in a way. He knew that the more he lied, the more he risked himself getting caught, but some days he just couldn't make himself eat when it was the time and some others he needed snacks and preferably chocolate just to get trough the day. He had loaned some cash from Arthur just to practically empty one wending machine of candy bars during a week.

The weekend came too quickly for Merlin. He and Arthur were supposed to go to Gwens home to finnish the project. Uther had just asked for blow jobs, apart from the fridge episode, and Merlin was sure that he wouldn't get away with that when thursday night got nearer. Because of that, he was cranky the whole day and after dinner where his mother had told them how she would again have an internship for the spring that would take her to night sifts, he was a bubble of nerves. He knew he hadn't managed to sound even a bit happy for his mother who was enthusiastic of getting to see how the work was in fist aid. He knew that he would hear about that too when the night came.

Arthur had come to check from him that he wasn't sick again and Merlin had felt a strong need to hug him and ask for help. If he could just cling himself to Arthurs side, maybe Uther wouldn't hurt him? "… and if you happen to know what I'm thinking of the book, you'll have me notes right?" Arthur was currently sitting on Merlins couch looking carefree and happy while Merlin felt like Arthur was a magnet and he himself had to stay out of its range or he wouldn't be able to control himself anymore. If he went too close, he would surely brake down. The feeling of fear surrounded him from every direction and he desperately needed someone to distract him from it if even for a moment "Right… So because you were not arsed to read the book, you actually think that I can dig an opinion from your brain… Impossible, I can't make something out of nothing." He replied hoping that Arthur would raise to the bait. Being sarcastic was his defensive mechanism and it eased the tension he constantly felt a little even now.

"For your information, I have read the book. It was just as impossible to understand as you." Arthur shot back and made a face. Merlin had really wanted to argue and to bicker or even fight with Arthur, but he couldn't help but laugh. It was just so Arthur and so… stupid. Like in Merlins life it would be an insult to be impossible to understand. Arthur clearly didn't see what was so funny and they ended up bickering lightly, but Merlin was smiling a bit for the whole time.

When Arthur left to sleep, Merlin felt surprisingly good. The night was however closing onto him and Merlin knew what was waiting for him in the night. He wished that this night would be already over and that the next one would never come.

Uther came quite early this time and he wasn't even that rough. Was it the school work Arthur had been telling was going great or maybe his 'sickness' had somehow made Uther understand that Merlin wasn't desperate of going to see Gwen? Merlin had tried to guess Uthers motives so many times and have not still made any sort of sense in them. Uther had licked from behind his ear lobe and twisted Merlins nipples until it hurt. After final words to Merlin of how he was expected to keep all his dirtiness inside of him while he was out of the house, Uther had bit his earlobe and Merlin had felt an urge to pull his head away from Uther even if the risk would be of loosing part of his ear. He still held on and just pressed his lips together to form a thin line. Merlins nipples were red and tender to touch even after he had slept quite alright and even if his ear didn't look like anything special, he felt like there was a neon sigh stating what had been whispered to it.

Gwen was happy to see Merlin and Merlin managed to act cheerful (on his current standards) and he didn't even feel that tired. He could breath more freely in this house that felt more welcoming and homy than his own 'home'. Merlin hadn't done any notes this time, but he remembered mostly everything they needed and the work was done quite quickly. Gwen had beamed when she had the first ever home assignment on a memory stick that she had done with her computer. They would print it at school on monday and hand it to the teacher a whole week before the dead line.

The only thing stressing Merlin was of course Arthur. He was again too close. It was nothing more than what Merlin had by now gotten used to at home while they were studying, but he felt that Gwens gaze was reading his every move and he feared that Gwen would figure out how much Arthur sitting next to him actually affected him. To his relief Elyan had bought some new games and when he asked Arthur to come and try them, he had looked excited and stood up to leave the room without a pause. "Merlin, would you like to try too?" Elyan had asked Merlin most probably to be polite than anything else. Console games were another thing that all boys seemed to be crazy about and Merlin just wasn't. "No thank you. If I want to drive an imaginative car in dangerous speed, I'll let you know." He said unimpressed. Arthur looked a bit disappointed for some reason. Maybe he had wanted to see Merlin lose miserably to him? Probably yes…

Gwen on the other hand was happy to get Merlin all to herself. They had nice, quiet and carefree time with nothing real to do. They just talked and talked and Merlin felt calmer than in ages. Maybe it would be worth Uther taking him before and after if he could spend more time like this? He would take Merlin anyway, so what about it even if it was a bit more rough? At least Merlin would know what was coming and when…

* * *

The night came too soon and he and Gwen stayed up far too late. Arthur was sleeping in Elyans room because Elyan had been too tired to come to the 'girls room' and Arthur hadn't been able to make any excuse that would allow him to sleep next to Merlin without being rude to Elyan or just down right suspicious. While Merlin felt a bit disappointed, it was also relaxing to have just Gwen in the same room and even she was at different level her being on her bed and Merlin on the floor so not exactly next to him.

It was actually more comfortable to sleep on a mattress than on his couch. His limbs had room and the mattress didn't lean to the side or the other. The only thing wrong was that he didn't have an extra couch pillow to hug, but when he complained about that to Gwen, who found it amusing that Merlin liked to hug a pillow while sleeping, she gave Merlin her extra pillow. "I don't use it anyway. It's mostly on the way." she told him and Merlin snugled to the given pillow fondly. It was better hugging material than his couch pillow and it smelled nice. The same scent Gwen always had.

"It smells nice... like you." He confessed. He was very honest in his sleepy and relaxed state of mind. "...Uh, ok..." Gwen sounded a bit weirded out in a comical way causing Merlin to chuckle and open his eyes again. He wasn't worried, he knew that Gwen knew that he wasn't trying to hit on her, she was just joking. "I thought this before, what kind of shampoo do you use?" he asked smiling even if Gwen didn't propably see it with lights already turned off. "Oh! I like this lavender scented one... I always buy it." Merlin made a sound that indicated that he had remebered something. "So that's why... My mother used to grow lavender in her garden. It smells like home..." He explained sleepily.

He didn't see it for he had already closed his eyes again, but Gwen smiled brightly at him. She was so happy to hear this kind of personal information from her best friend. It was rare but every time he did so, Gwen felt that Merlin trusted her. There were times when Merlin obviously lied and didn't tell everything, but when he told Gwen stuff like this so naturaly, Gwen could put those other times behind her.

"Good night Merlin." She said with a gentle tone. Merlin replied to her in kind his voice slightly muffled by Gwens pillow.

Merlin fell asleep exhausted in a very different way that he usually was.

* * *

A/N Hello! I hope you enjoyed this chapter even it didn't really get us anywhere. Actually, this chapter alonside with chapters from the start of the summer till the next Christmas (in ch. 15) were added after I had already finnished writing the storyline... Mainly because I had a major problem with the timeline. I realised very late that I had skipped almost half a year, Gwens birthday was first in winter and then in summer and Arthur had a car when he was 14... So, I obviously rearranged some and added a lot in the middle. I hope the result is not too much filler, but I promise that the story will start movining forward after this and we will quite soon see some more characters from the TV show :)

Also the summer is upon us (I only have two more deadlines to catch...) and if you would like me to update more often, I can try to update every 3rd day... Just tell me what you think :)

For reviewers, you are the best part of writing anything, I wish I could have you for my school esseys too. Maybe then I would meet my deadlines with those too...

mersan123 You are so very right, teenagers are more informed than ever before and well, my hope with this story is to raise more awareness to child abuse if only just a little bit. About the future of Merlin... for more than few times I have stopped in a middle of a scene and asked myself, 'is everything alright with me?'. Seriously, what is wrong with me if I write things like this? And I can tell you that Uther _is_ indeed getting more violent... But bear with me, I promise a happy ending, it was hard enough to write this story and there is no way I wouldn't get all the help and love he deserves in the end. Thankyou again for a great review, I'm looking forward of hearing what you think in the future!

MillaMaxwell12 I hope you enjoyed the scene where Merlin talked with Elyan :) Thank you for your review, I wish I could answer more, but I don't want to give anything away... but there will be more stupid things he will do in the future... you will know immediately what I'm talking about when we get there, please comment again then, I would very much like to hear your opinion :)

Angel Dove1 Merlin and Arthur are cute together aren't they? I loved how they interacted in the show and I really loved them in the unicorn episode (that was the first episode I actually saw), they were so cute in the whole poison picknic set up :D I also love Servant with two masters, I always laugh so hard... There are just some classics in there, like 'Is Arthur bothering you again? Not for long!' or 'Tastes like the bog Arthur found me in'. Uther is horrible. In the show he also shunned those who were different and without hearing them out he punnished them by death. When Arthur or Morgana didn't do as they were told to, Uther threw them to dungeons and even nearly punished Arthur with a death of his friend and a servant (in the poisoned chalice). That's why he was so easy to turn to this role I have given him. This time around, I promise he will not get away with this unpunished. Thank you for the review, you are awesome!

Guest You seem to like Morgana, I promise you she will be there :) I have to say that I love the idea of her being a doctor, but well, I can't wait to hear your opinion when she shows in the story! Thank you for your review!


	14. Chapter 14 - Why vegetarian?

When Arthur suggested just before lunch time that they should leave soon, Merlins first reaction was a disbelieving shock. What in the world was Arthur thinking?! But Merlin just needed a glance and he knew that Arthur had some place he wanted to visit on the way. So it was up to Merlin, was he going to tell Arthur that no way, he was going to enjoy his time here or was he going to go with Arthur to where ever he had planed to go. The decision was easy.

After a very nice lunch with Gwen, Elyan and their father, Merlin and Arthur vawed them all good bye. Merlin knew he could just ask what Arthur had planed, but it didn't really matter, so he just seated himself to Arthurs car and let him drive where ever he wanted.

For an alarming long time the road they took seemed to really take them back to their home, so when Arthur turned to the street where the cafe they had visited after the first time Merlin had been in Arthurs football practices, Merlin almost threw his hands in the air thanking the higher powers. For a moment there he had been afraid that he had misread Arthur totaly.

The cafe was exactly the same it had been the last time. It felt like ages ago, but the cafe felt as nice as it had felt then. Oh how nice it was indeed to feel rested and just sit and talk with Arthur alone with no worry that someone they knew was looking at their direction. With no Gwens sharp eyes or Uthers hateful expression searching for reasons to hurt Merlin.

Merlin was so clad that Uther had never accused Merlin of watching Arthur like that, even if Arthur was the only one he had looked at with much more than a brief admiration on their looks. If Uther would ever find that out, Merlin was sure that what ever Uther had done to him up till now wouldn't be enough to make Uther leave him alone. He would do something much worse.

But actually, now that he thought about it, why hadn't Uther noticed? He had noticed Merlin looking at some random waiter he had just found handsome and Lee whose shirt had been actually more appealing to Merlin than Lee himself! So why not Arthur who Merlin had not just found handsome, but had been the only one Merlin actually had wanted to do stuff with? And while Merlin had seen Lee once when Uther had been present, Merlin saw Arthur more than all the people he knew combined, he was bound to slip up at times and Uther saw them together at least once a day at the dining table. Was he somehow in Uthers blind spot at home? Did he think that Merlin wouldn't dare to do anything dirty in his house or was the whole thought too impossible so Uther hadn't even thought about the possibility? Or was it the way Merlin and Arthur still bickered and had fought in the past? Or did Uther just trust that Arthur would tell him if he even as much as suspected that Merlin had hots for him? Merlin shuddered. Would Arthur tell Uther if he ever got wind of how Merlin felt about him?

Arthur was currently finishing his coffee and Merlin had lost track of what he had been talking about. He didn't want to leave the cafe, but he wasn't comfortable here either anymore. If he just could read from Arthurs thoughts what Arthur thought of homosexuals so he would at least know if Arthur was part of the danger Merlin felt in his life. If there was someone Arthur would have told this kind of information and Merlin could ask them… but that was highly unlikely. And besides even if someone like that existed, it would be too risky to ask. It would be much more explainable to just ask Arthur if an opportunity would rise in a 'by the way I'm not really that interested but got nothing better to do than ask random questions from you' -like manner.

After the short drive to home, Merlin needed some time alone, so he hid under his bed feeling the narrow place bring him some comfort. Seriously, why had nobody noticed how much Arthur meant to him? He was quite sure that during the summer he hadn't done that good of a job hiding anything at all. Did no-one really care about him enough to notice the biggest things happening in his life?

That aside that no-one had noticed what he did with Uther at nights, that wasn't the first thing to guess when someone was in a bad mood, but being in love? Was it also so bizarre thought that nobody had thought about it? Was it really so wrong and so uncommon to love someone who is same gender? Or was it just the fact that they were brothers trough marriage? It was like something was strangling him. Merlin wouldn't cry, he really didn't want to, but he let out a frustrated sound like a yell without opening his mouth. He felt pressure inside his head and he wanted to just blow up. Be something like angry or sad or something, but he just felt his feelings crumble and tiredness and despair eat him and the bed was so close that he couldn't even turn to his side. He was so anxious and disgusted with himself. He hit his tight where he knew the scar was. The latest wound was already healed so it didn't hurt that much, but it was enough to get some of his frustration go away. Soon he felt the last of his strength go and he just hugged himself and sobbed without really crying.

He remembered the summer a year ago. How he had just found his eyes searching Arthur from where ever he was. How he had liked the way Arthur looked and how he carried himself. How he had found his heart beat and his cheeks grow warm when he saw him change at PE or when he was playing football or when he was smiling. How Merlin had eventually found the word for himself. He was homosexual. He knew there were others like him somewhere and that had given him satisfaction and peace of mind.

It all felt so far away now. His feelings had changed so much after that. Not just the peace of mind was nowhere to be seen and he definitely didn't think finding _that_ out was a good thing. He feared and loathed Uther and the only thing he feared and loathed more was his own body. It felt like a sickness. How come even after what he had gone trough he still couldn't make himself forget Arthur? Even after all this time he felt himself grow hot near Arthur and when he touched Merlin, he felt so many feeling and so many of them were good and warm and so welcome that it was scary and Merlin found himself soon back to his fear of his own body. That summer he had been fourteen… It was almost one and a half year ago. He loved and wanted and needed Arthur so much more now than then. It was like Arthur was his drug. The constant very thin line Merlin tried to balance of staying sane but not make anyone find out about him, was so arduous to keep.

Merlin laid under his bed until he heard knock on his door. "Merlin! Dinner- oh…" It was Arthur. Merlin held his breath and soon he heard the door close. Arthur had thought that Merlin wasn't in his room then. He waited only few seconds before crawling out form under his bed. It felt a bit weird to stand again in an open space, but Merlin didn't let it show. He made his way to the dinner table like he normally did.

Arthur came from the direction of their garden soon after and he looked a bit confused to see Merlin already in the table, but he said nothing.

* * *

The night Merlin had wished would never come was here and it did bring Uther with it. Just like Merlin had expected. This time Uther was late, but Merlin was still sitting on his chair, flipping some pages of his history book to seem like he was studying. He hoped that it would make Uther at least a bit more forgiving.

"Were you a good boy at your little friends home?" was the first thing Uther whispered softly to Merlins ear. Merlin shuddered and he had no idea of how to answer that. If he did say 'yes, he had been good', wouldn't that just sound dirty? Like he wanted something from Uther as a 'reward'. And if he said 'no' he would need to be 'punished' for sure.

When Uther didn't get any reply from Merlin immediately, he spun Merlins chair around and Merlin could see anger in his face. He couldn't breath and when Uther leaned in closer, Merlin had to turn his face to another direction. He squeezed his body to the back of his chair to get as far away from Uther as possible.

"Stand up and take off your clothes." Uthers command was clear and his voice cold like Merlin was used to. He had been waiting for this. He had known this would happen, but he hated it and now it felt impossible to just think this as just a part of him getting a good rest at Gwens. It didn't feel worth it anymore and Merlin briefly wondered if anything really was worth this. When Merlin stood up and did as he was told while biting his lip, Uther moved to sit on the edge of Merlins bed. "Come here and suck."

Merlin shut his eyes for a moment before he willed his legs to move. They had eaten such a nice meal at Gwens and in the cafe too. Merlin hoped that he wouldn't throw up those anymore.

He sucked Uther. By now he had learned everything that made Uther come faster, but making pleasure for him felt too disturbing so he never went all out if Uther wasn't really angry making Merlin fear more than usually. Also what made Uther come faster, was often uncomfortable for Merlin. Uther would always come faster if Merlin licked him up and down while his thing was deep in Merlins throat. It made him gag and his jaw tired very quickly. It also felt like he had to suck like he wanted to eat Uther up and that always left Merlin a mess afterwards. It was just too disturbing.

After a while Merlin was quite sure that he would get away tonight with just this blow job, but suddenly he felt a violent pull on his hair causing him to move backwards. "Stand up." Was Uthers short command and he yanked Merlins hair upwards. Merlin clenched his jaw together in order of not to yell of pain. When he was standing, Uther pulled Merlin up and to sit on his lap, facing Uther.

The position was new and Merlin felt panic when Uthers hard thing, slick with Merlins saliva pressed at his inner tight. "Take the lube out and rub it on yourself." This was definitely new. Merlin felt cold and his stress levels rose alarmingly high. "I can't…" He whimpered. He really didn't want to. The shame of even thinking of lubing himself felt too much. He was sitting on Uthers lap and he kind of could guess what Uther would command him to do next. He felt off balance and faint thinking about that.

"Do it, or we will go without." There was no mercy in Uthers tone and Merlin knew that he would not ask him twice. He wanted to protest and beg, but he remembered how that went the last time he tried, so he was out of options. He slowly reached for his drawer and took the lube. It felt heavy in his hand. It was almost full.

Merlin found himself thinking of how many of these they had already used. Somehow the amount of lube felt much more concrete than the times he and Uther had had sex. Those times had already blurred in Merlins mind long ago. He didn't count them anymore.

If anything could have made Merlin more ashamed than he already was trying to get as much lube as possible to his entrance and inside in order to escape at least some of the pain, was that Uther would take a picture of it. And of course he did. Merlin closed his eyes in shame and tried to close his mind from the shutter sound, but it was not possible. It was more like the small sound was the loudest in the whole world and Merlin couldn't escape it.

After few pictures, Uther placed his phone next to him and pulled Merlin by his ass further to his lap. Merlins breathing hitched, he didn't want to get closer to Uthers face. "Lift your hips now…" Uther told him and Merlin did. It was no use anyway.

The position was awkward and difficult to keep. Uther pushed Merlin to sit on his erection and he guided himself in, making Merlin groan with agony. He felt like his hole was ripping from the sudden stretch. His legs were wide open and he couldn't support his weight with just standing in this position. He knew that he could take a hold of Uther to take support, but he really didn't want to. Even if Uthers hands were on his bare ass and his thing inside Merlin, it felt too intimate and too much like he was accepting this to take a hold of Uthers shoulders or God forbid, to hug him.

In the end Merlin just squeezed his own sides and dug his nails to his skin and let Uther hold all of his weight. "Move." Was the final command Merlin had been waiting for. He tried, because Uthers face told him that he would regret it if he didn't, but it hurt too much and his legs didn't have enough strength to actually move himself up and down in this position.

After a while Uther got fed up with Merlin and he pushed him off of him just to throw him to the bed. Merlin felt a bit relieved. He was so tired, his legs hurt and the exercise and stress had made him feel light headed and thin. He wished he could just faint and not know anything that happened to his body after that. Why couldn't there be a way to faint by will?

Uther took him hard, no wonder taking his frustration out on Merlin who hadn't been able to do as he was told.

Uther didn't say anything more to Merlin that night. Merlin just heard his camera go a couple of times and when he was again alone in his bathroom throwing up, Merlins mind was blank. He noted that he couldn't taste the cake he had eaten in the cafe in his vomit and that made him a bit happy. He had liked the cake and he would like to eat one in the future too.

When Merlin was lying on his couch, he kind of knew how bizarre it was that he was concentrating on a piece of cake and things like that, but he really didn't care. His head felt fuzzy and he was still shaking.

* * *

In the morning Merlin felt feverish, but he didn't say anything. Now he regretted that he had lied about being sick before. He couldn't let it show that he was really sick so soon. Like in that stupid old story. Merlin had yelled wolf when he had wanted to just be alone, now that he was really feeling sick, he just had to suck it up and suffer. 'How annoyingly solid life lesson' Merlin thought bitterly.

At night they were having some very fine pork for dinner, but how much he tried, Merlin couldn't make himself to eat it. The smell was nauseating and the slightly greasy, meaty smell and texture combined with the colour was just too much for Merlin. "Darling, aren't you going to eat?" His mother finally asked when Merlin had just stared at his meal for past ten minutes. Merlin rose his gaze to meet his mothers and he knew he had to make an excuse. Now. 'Pork something… don't eat… something' Merlin brain was working fast if not entirely coherently. Then he remembered something. Vivian. She didn't eat pork because…

"I have read a book about how poorly farm animals, especially bigs, are treated. Mother did you know that bigs could live approximately just a bit over half a square meter space reserved for them and they could weight up to one hundred kilos? They have nothing to do and their living space is filthy so in their frustration they start biting each others tails. Pigs are actually as intelligent as dogs…" Merlin tried to desperately remember some more facts that Vivian had hammered to him and Gwen at lunch times at the same time he blurted them out of his mouth in a fast pace.

Hunith looked at her son in wonder. Merlin had never had any trouble eating meat before, but of course meat had been if not rare in their old life, it had still been somewhat an occasion if they could have eaten something else than the cheap cuts Hunith used to buy from one of their neighbours. It had always been lamb or rarely beef. There were no pigs in their home village. Maybe this was something Merlin had picked up from school? He had been always one to take the side of the weaker.

"I didn't know that… " she said eventually not wanting to tell his son what to believe was important, but feeling a bit loss of what to tell him. Merlin seemed to find some more fuel to his preach and soon the whole table was quiet and listening to Merlin. Not even Uther talked. Merlin didn't have confidence to look at him so he had no idea what he was thinking, but he had already started. "… and I think that I don't want any part in that, so I would very much prefer to just take some salad." Merlin finished. The table was still quiet and when there were no protests, Merlin rose up, took his plate to the kitchen and took a clean plate with him so he could eat some salad.

Back in the table Arthur was looking at the direction Merlin had gone wide eyed. What on earth was he doing now? Arthur looked at Hunith and then his father. Hunith looked just a bit confused and maybe a tad worried and Uther didn't look pleased. 'Not pleased' was actually much better than Arthur would have thought possible, his father in general didn't like any nonsense like this and it seemed like a miracle to Arthur that Merlins speech had made his father speechless.

When Merlin got back with an empty plate and took an enormous amount of salad on it and sprinkled some oil on it, the spell was finally broken. Hunith was worried about Merlin "Are you sure you can survive with just some lettuce until tomorrow?" she asked hesitantly. Merlin was unusually calm and composed and he spoke with clear and sure voice. "I'm sure. I'll just eat bigger breakfast tomorrow." "But tomorrows dinner…" Hunith was unsure of what her son was on about. "I'll eat anything vegetarian. I'll include milk and eggs, for now at least." Hunith looked at Merlin with serious expression for a while but then she smiled at him fondly even if a bit unsurely "You have always been compassionate. Dear, do you think we could arrange some vegetarian choices for Merlin?" She turned to Uther for the last part. Merlin continued to eat his salad and didn't even look at Uther. Arthur couldn't help but stare. How could Merlin, who was usually so tense in his fathers presence, be so calm and look like he had made his decision and he wouldn't back out of it what ever the consequences?

"Is this really necessary? This kind of… " Arthur saw his father shallow some choice of words he would have used if his wife hadn't asked him directly. Merlin was still eating with a steady pace not even looking at their parents direction. It seemed like he wasn't even interested of the outcome. "It seems it's important to him, he could try it out at least… There is a vegetarian choice in lunch at school, right?" Hunith directed her question to Merlin who shallowed and nodded "There are few vegetarians in the school and it's not even that hard nowadays to avoid meat. There are many good sources of protein and if I keep eating milk and eggs, it's not hard at all." Hunith nodded at Merlin approvingly. It seemed to her that Merlin had really thought about this.

Hunith turned to look at Uther again and for reason unknown to Arthur his father nodded slowly. "I'll talk with our cook, she can start making something vegetarian starting from tomorrow." If Merlin was surprised at this, he didn't let it show. He said his thanks and then he offered to clean up the table. Arthur hadn't said anything and he really had no idea of what to say. He didn't understand not eating meat. He loved meat and it was the only thing that made him really full after long week of practices. And Merlin had never said anything about animal rights before, not even close. Arthur somehow would have thought that Merlin would have told him if he was thinking about something as big as this. Clearly he had been wrong and he didn't like that one bit.

Only when he had slammed his door shut in frustration, did Arthur think that if Merlin was thin now, what would happen if he started to avoid meat? Arthur felt a bit worried, but then again, maybe Merlin had been picky because he had been thinking of 'the poor animals'… Arthur certainly hoped that was the case and Merlin wouldn't lose any weight.

* * *

Merlin felt great. He felt confident and like for once he was fully in charge. His mother had not told him to eat his dinner and Uther hadn't told him to stop this nonsense. He didn't have to fight and sneak around to get rid of the food he didn't want to eat anymore. Meat and boiled eggs had been something Merlin had most difficulties to stomach lately. He said he could eat eggs because he had remembered just in time that cakes contained egg and he did want to eat those… He thought of the piece of heaven he had eaten with Arthur in the cafe yesterday and he chuckled at himself. His priorities today seemed to be 'no pork, yes cake'. That was absurd.

When Uther came to Merlins room late in the night, Merlin was prepared. He had known that he would come and even if it dimmed his confidence and fear ran trough him the second he heard the door handle turn, he knew he wouldn't back down. Uther had already promised in front of Hunith and Arthur so there was no reason for Merlin to take his word back. Even if it had been an impulse and his reasonings straight from a rude girl with too much apparent free time.

Uther took Merlin on his bed telling him what he really thought about vegetarians. It would have hurt Merlin more if he really did believe in what he had said. "If you want to starve then you can, you little slut." were the final words before Uther pulled out from Merlin, closed his zipper and walked out of the room.

Merlin lied still for a moment before a grin broke to his face. He felt like laughing out loud. This wasn't the worst he had gone trough, not even close, and he had actually won Uther on something. As far as Uther would know, Merlin would never eat meat again.

* * *

Hunith was worried. She had been a long time now. It was part of her nature and she knew it very well. When she had been younger she had been worried of how she would make friends and do in school and later would she find love and how she would survive after her parents died when she was only sixteen. But after she became a mother, all that hadn't seemed so big anymore. She had always worried over Merlin. If he would fall while playing, if he would not have friends, if he would be alright with no father and the poor conditions they had lived in…

After Balinor had died, Hunith had shallowed her own hurt and loss and concentrated on her only son. She had wished so much that Merlin would be alright and he had. Merlin had always been very natural with people, while he hadn't had many close friends, it seemed that Merlin just chose his friends carefully. He didn't care if he was popular or not, he didn't want to spend time with the people he didn't really care that much of. Merlin was strong and he had never blamed anything on their lack of money and he had always faced every hardship they had had in the past with a smile, always making Hunith worry less than she would have without her son. Like the time they couldn't afford any electricity and Merlin had just told his mother that it was fun cooking everything by fire or when they had both slept on the floor next to their fireplace in an extremely cold winter and a nine year old Merlin had educated her very seriously how she should turn to her side and turn once in an hour at least so she wouldn't get too hot on one side and too cold on the other. He had told Hunith it was much the same than cooking a fish by a campfire... Hunith had told her son that she would cook him by a campfire if he ever again compared her to a fish on a stick. Merlin had laughed and it had been a regular joke after that. Merlin would call her a fish and Hunith would make up dishes she would make out of Merlin.

But that time was in the past now. Merlin had seemed very much happy with his new life here and Hunith had been less worried than ever especially after Merlin had settled to his new school with ease and found a friend. In a way Merlin had been so fine that Hunith had felt that she wasn't needed anymore. Of course it was also the age, she had been waiting the point of life when rather than coming to wake her up in the morning to drag her to make him pancakes or outside to play, Merlin would start to spend more time with his friends and books (he had always loved reading), but still it had felt empty. And the fact that she had very little to do in this new luxurious life, had not done any favours for her. She had been pitying herself and that had to end. It had been a time to try the things she had missed out after her parents had died. She had decided to go to study. Finaly. Merlin had encouraged her too and she had remembered how much she needed her son. And even if he was a teenager now, he was still her little boy and he needed her too.

So hunith had allowed herself to be selfish. She knew that she had been spending a lot of time out of the house. It had not been mandatory for the most of the time, she had taken more courses and more shifts in order to graduate earlier and she had used her opportunities to get out and spend time with her new friends from school. Now, she wondered if how Merlin was nowadays was her fault.

The change had happened so fast. It felt to Hunith that she had been stressing for her entrance exams and her schoolwork the way she had when she had been young and the next time she had looked, Merlin had grown distant. Maybe it was that Merlin had just hit puberty with full force and it was just time for Hunith to just understand and accept that? But Soon that thought hadn't helped her at all anymore. She was worried of how thin Merlin was. She was worried of how he spent too much time inside. She was worried of how rarely he spent time with his friends and how they never came over. And the behaviour… the way sometimes Merlin seemed miserable or angry and just not smiling and happy the way he had used to be back home in the small village.

Merlin had also changed in other ways. His style, his reluctanse to go out and outside (he would had practically lived in forrest if Hunith hadn't made him stay inside at least at night) and now this. Being a vegetarian had never been something Merlin had even wondered out loud and now just like that he wasn't eating meat again. He had eaten chicken just fine only yesterday! It wasn't that Hunith had anything against it, it just was not something she could relate to or fully understand. In countryside it was thought as something those posh city people did for they had too much food and free time. Maybe it was something Merlin had picked up from school? Merlin had always been special and Hunith had known all along that she would need to get her son out of the small remote village someday. That she had the gotten married at this age had been a miracle and that it got Merlin the opportunity he had needed had been what had lead Hunith to make this decision. She had been fine in the village, that was still her home even now and while she was used to the city, this large house was not her home in the same way their old home had been.

But if Merlin was just finding his wings in the city, why was he not more excited about it? She had tried to talk to Merlin, but it was so hard to hold a conversation with him nowadays, it was like he didn't want to talk to her anymore. She had talked about Merlin with her school friends. Many of them had children on their own and some where so young they remembered the age Merlin was very well. They had all told her the same thing. 'There was nothing unusual of not wanting to tell a lot to parents in that age and that of course he was miserable, everyone was miserable when they were teenagers!' 'It was just part of it.' 'Yeah he is thin, but he eats right? So does my son and he's as thin as Merlin, he's like a bottomless pit I tell you.'

That had calmed Hunith down some, but she still had not been satisfied. She had called her old friends and finally Wills mother had put her at ease. Hunith tried to concentrate to remember all of it so she could calm down.

"Oh, Will told me that already, they have been talking on the phone half of the summer I tell you! I made him built us a new fence for the extra phone bill he had piled up!" She answered with good humour when Hunith had told her how she had visited the aquarium with Merlin in the end of the summer. "Really?" she had known that Merlin had talked with Will, but he very rarely mentioned him to her so she had been surprised to hear this. "Yeah really. You know I wished they were still little, I can't take this whining that it's boring and lying around all day doing nothing or hanging on the phone. Were we like that too?"

Hunith had let her breath out at the cliché and. "Will too? Merlin is also howled inside of his room far too much, studying most of the time, and he doesn't talk to me anymore! I have been so worried…" She had confessed in a rush to her best friend. "Huntih, you always worry! You say studying? I wish this block head would start doing that once in a while!" Hunith had chuckled as she had heard a muffled 'hey!' from the background. Oh, she missed Will and Clara so much…

"But it's just not like him at all… and he doesn't seem happy, that what worries me the most…" She had continued sounding miserable herself. "Love, you should see how Will mopes around here and Mathew, I just saw him yesterday, he has become so shy you wouldn't believe it's him if you saw him now!"

It had felt so good to hear this kind of reassurance and Hunith had been quite sure that the friend she had known most of her life had known that because she had continued "you know I trie to spend time with my son now that I have more time than in summer, but most of the time he wont. He said it's stupid or lame even if he complains he's bored. But then again some days, it's like I have the boy who liked to play board games with me back. Just the other day he asked my opinion and we made this really long walk around the old mill. Is it the same with Merlin too?"

It was. Most of the time Hunith felt like Merlin was not hearing her and that he wanted nothing to do with her, but just some times he hugged her or talked with her the same way when they had been just the two of them. He had let her straighten his tie and he had shared her opinions of the city people at Arthurs birthday party. He had shown her around in the aquarium and told her all about how intelligent octopuses were. He had grown distant yes, but he was still there and now Hunith and to take her friends word that Merlin was not lost and that he would eventually come back to her.

Hunith had spend a long time on the phone with Clara and they had complained about how their sons were growing up and bragging about how they had grown up. It had helped tremendously and Hunith had found some peace of mind. Clara had that effect on her.

After they had finished Hunith had been able to try and talk with Merlin once more and when today had come and Merlin had refused to eat the pork, Hunith had been able to let him make the decision without drowning her son to her worries. She knew that Merlin knew that she tented to do that, but lately it had seemed that Merlins patience ran out with her worrying very quickly.

Hunith remembered what one of her school friend had told her 'I hated it when my mother used to snoop around everything, she couldn't take the hint that I had my own life already. The worst was when she went trough my stuff! She even read my diary.' Maybe they were all right, maybe she should take a step back and give Merlin more room to breath. He was growing up and Hunith was sure he had some things he needed to learn about himself too. Hunith actually had a fair idea of what some of them could be and she hoped that Merlin would come and talk to her when he was ready. She couldn't tell Merlin what he was like after all, some things one just had to find out on their own. And about this vegetarianism… maybe Uther could talk about it with Merlin?

Uther was good with Merlin. While Hunith had failed to get a connection to her son many times now, Uther would often talk to him and Hunith had learned so much from Uther afterwards. He would talk to Merlin usually late in the evenings and share what he had learned when he drove Hunith to her school. It seemed that Merlin was struggling to get rid of his country-boy image and he was blending in better now because he and Arthur were friends. Maybe this was also what this was about? It also seemed that Merlin had someone he fancied at school and while he was embarraced about it and he rarely talked about that, he was trying to be her friend and impress her with his good grades for he was not athletic. That had explained a lot of the studying. Maybe that person was also a vegetarian?

Hunith had been dying to know more about this mystery person, but Uther had warned her against it. "He rarely talks about her and never if I ask him about it." That made sense. Hunith had been shy too about her crushes. Also… Well, Uther kept saying 'her', but Hunith was quite sure it was in fact 'he'. Of course there was a change that Merlin was just confused and it was indeed a girl he had a crush on, it was not unheard of right? She had known for years now that Merlin was special in more ways than one and this was one of them. Hunith was quite sure that her son was homosexual. Something that would not have made their old community very happy, but didn't bother Hunith at all. She was worried that her new husband would not take it well, but for now, it was much better than it had been in the village.

Here Merlin had much more room to breath and moving out of home didn't mean building a cottage to the other side of the field. Here he also had much better change of finding friends and love amongst other people like him. So, Hunith had left this fact unsaid to her husband and she didn't feel bad at all about that. It was Merlins business to tell her and Uther when he felt like it. Hunith just hoped that she could somehow make Merlin understand that he could talk to her about anything, that she would always love him and that she was very fine with him preferring men over women.

Hunith rubbed her temples. It was late and she had been sitting on the edge of her side of the bed a book on her lap for an hour now. It was time to go to sleep and tomorrow she would find every bit of information she could about vegetarians. If she remembered correctly, one of her class mates she didn't speak much with was a vegetarian. Maybe she could ask her?

Soon after Hunith had made herself ready for bed, Uther stepped in their bedroom and looked surprised to see his wife still awake. Hunith usually went to sleep early, she was a morning person. She told Uther how she had been unable to sleep for she had been thinking Merlins sudden decline of meat. Uther had tucked her in and let her lean on him while he told that he had talked with Merlin about it and it seemed that the girl Merlin liked was also vegetarian. 'So it was that then…' Hunith had thought still not saying anything about the word 'girl' even if she would have wanted to know if _Merlin_ used the word 'girl' or if Uther had just assumed.

Hunith felt indeed lucky to have a man like Uther. While she couldn't exactly say she loved him for she had been in love once and this just was not the same, but he appreciated what Uther did for her and how he took as much time as he did to understand Merlin who was very different from his own son. Hunith actually felt a bit ashamed of herself of how she didn't seem to do the same with Arthur even if they did have a better connection nowadays. In a way there was not much she could do more than talk with Arthur about everyday things. While Merlin had grown moodier, Arthur had calmed down a lot from when Hunith first got to know him. He worked hard, but it didn't seem to bother him and he always seemed content when they were together as a family. Unlike Merlin.

Uther continued telling her how he had been unsure with what to tell his mother when he had been at Merlins age and that it would all pass with time. It soothed Hunith and she let Uther convince her. He told her that he would take care of Merlin and that he had gone trough a difficult period with Arthur too and now he had come around. Uther was right. Hunith would have to relax and listen to her friends too. She had always been one to worry for nothing after all. But now she had help and someone to tell her when she was over reacting. Hunith decided to trust her husband on this.

This decision she would regret for the rest of her life.

* * *

A/N Food poisoning is not fun. I spend two days just vomiting and sleeping on my bathroom floor. What a great way to start summer vacations... But a very good source material for the story :D (There _is_ something wrong with me...)

Anyway. This chapter was shorter than the last two were and there has been encouragement for me to update more often, so since it's summer vacation (or 'vacation' as I'm working to fund my studying...) I thought that this is a good time to start updating a bit more often :) So expect a new chapter every three days from now on! Soon we will get to the really interesting part of this story.

And apparently Wills mothers name is now 'Clara'. You might have noticed that my imagination runs very low when it comes to naming people. That's why we have 'the city' and 'the village' and freaking 'Lee' and 'Jordan' in the football team (which also doesn't have a name...). The first reason to this is that the tv-show doesn't give us much names of side characters and in Wills moms case, we dodn't even know if he has a mother! And most of the kniths that are not in the main cast that have names tend to die the moment we hear their name. The second reason is that I don't want to set this story to a specific country. Mostly because I can't set it to my country and I have no idea of Brittish or American school systems or laws and stuff, so lets just say it all is a bit of a mix of western societys laws and stuff. Please bear with me :P

And again so much thanks for my reviewers! I might not get many reviews, but the ones I get, are the best!

mersan123 Maybe we all are a bit disturbed here, we do use our time reading (and writing) fan fiction after all... but I can make up like thousand worse ways to use my time than reading, so I think we are alright :) And the way that you relate to Merlin and want the best to happen to him (I think he would love to be taken care of by you and your family) and the amount of effort you put in commenting my writing (making me very happy every time) makes me think that you are a very lovely person! I know you were joking, but still. And about Arthurs sexuality, I made him one based on the tv show and he will think about it and he will come to a conclusion, but much later in the story. I could just tell you, it wouldn't actually spoon anything, just explain things, but I'm not sure if you want to know... If you do, I can PM you or just put it in Authors note in next chapter. What do you say?

AngelDove1 :) I'm glad that you feel that the last chapter was going somewhere, I have been going for a very realistic version of child abuse and just sometimes, nothing that special happens. I wanted to give time to show how there is not a constant drama, abuse is just something the victim grows to expect in their every day life and how the everyday life starts to circle around the abuse. That's why I needed this kind of parts that just go basically 'and then the next month went like this'. I see we share same favourite episodes :) I have quoted many of my favorites in this story, I hope you find some more of your favorites among them!


	15. Chapter 15 - Christmas shopping

The Christmas was nearing, but unlike last year, Merlin couldn't feel the holiday spirit yet. Decorations and the general fuss just annoyed him and he felt like it was all too early and too loud and too predictable. He tried not to comment and smile regularly, but it took Merlin until he and Arthur went out for some Christmas shopping to actually even get that the Christmas was really coming.

The last weeks of the year were crazy, like always for Arthur and dull and duller for Merlin. He had done everything weeks before he really had to. The general panic over deadlines and exams was constantly present everywhere he turned, it just had nothing to do with him. How was it surprise again that the exams would come? Or the dead lines that they were told about months ago at best? Only thing worth mentioning was that some class mates of Merlin had actually asked him to loan his notes or teach them a couple of times. Merlin was quite sure he hadn't talked with either of them for moths and he was a bit surprised that they even knew that he was ahead of the schedule. Mostly he agreed to teach before the classes started and he could loan his notes for the day, but he couldn't stay after school and he always made sure that he got his notes back before the day ended. He never knew when Arthur would need them and he was Merlins priority.

The mall Arthur took Merlin the last weekend before the school ended, was filled with Christmas decorations and lights and suddenly Merlin remembered how much he actually enjoyed Christmas. The fuss, the colours, the songs, the family time, presents, ornaments and everything else. He and Arthur strolled around in the masses of people who were trying to get the last minute shopping done and Merlin found himself not even feeling anxious in the crowd. He light heartedly complained to Arthur how the Christmas fuss was starting earlier and earlier every year "but I'm quite sure that these carols will ring in my head for the next decade, so what's the difference?" Arthur had laughed at him a bit but asked then "Didn't you like Christmas?" Merlin was a bit surprised that Arthur remembered, but he covered that up quickly. "Christmas and this are two different things." He said waving his hand to a direction of a Santa costumed person who was wishing people 'Merry shoppings'. Arthur looked at the sight with distaste and he admitted that he had to agree with Merlin for once. Merlin just grinned at him. It was good to spend some time with Arthur.

They went from store to store and they gradually found something for everyone they had planned. Merlin found a cook book with really delicious looking pictures of pastries for Gwen and some baking stuff from a store that had specialised on fancy kitchen supplies. He had asked an employe to recommend him something and he was happy with the result. His mother he had found a nice scarf and a historical novel he knew she would enjoy. He and Arthur would buy Elyan a new football together and Arthur had an idea of something he would buy for Uther and Merlin would sign the card just for not to be rude.

For Will Merlin found new ice skates that the shop could send to the nearest post office. They were a bit expensive, but Merlin put along a note telling Will in their usual sarcastic manner not to expect anything from him ever again. Arthur had looked at the procedure of filling postal information and calling Will mother to spy her sons shoe size with wonder. He knew that Merlin spend a lot of time in phone with his childhood friend, but this was the first time that Merlin had actually mentioned him further to Arthur than just answering his question of 'who he had been talking to' and 'who Will?'

After Arthur had bought cloves made of leather for Uther, they headed to eat. Arthur chose them some Chinese place and Merlin didn't have any complains. Arthur ordered some beef and onions while Merlin chose tofu and vegetables. Merlin had been a vegetarian for almost two moths now and he was still happy with his choice. It was much easier to eat food without meat. It tasted fresher and it was softer for his long suffering stomach and it was different what the rest of the people ate. Most of all he could control something and that meant so much for Merlin. He had actually calmed down a lot after he had started to feel that he was in charge of at least something in his life and he didn't fight with his mother anymore. Even at school he had been more energetic. Now almost everyone were used to the fact that Merlin was vegetarian. Vivian especially had approved even thought she also ate fish. ("I need my omegas for health and beauty!")

"I still don't understand how can you prefer to eat those white slimy cubes over meat…" And here was the almost, Arthur. He just couldn't see Merlins sudden unwillingness to eat meat as anything else that Merlin being weird again. "I wouldn't expect you to understand…" Merlin replied dryly. He had gone over and over his reasons (or Vivians and some others he had found with a brief search online during one class they went to study to library) to Arthur, but he avoided explaining as much as possible. He wasn't that environmental, he didn't pity all those poor animals, nor did he chose it for health reasons. He knew what he could tell to people to get them of his case, but with someone as stubborn as Arthur… well, he was happy that Arthur had no choice over the matter.

"You will just wither away without meat. Look at you, you are practically all bones!" Arthur still didn't like how Merlin had again become a bit thinner and he had kept watch of Merlins eating all the time. He didn't like this change even thought Merlin seemed to eat more than before he started avoiding meat.

Merlin sighed. "I won't. I still eat milk and eggs. And tofu is a good source of protein." Merlin had told him this before too. Arthur didn't want to argue with Merlin today, so he rose his hands up in defeat and ended the conversation with "Whatever you say… ". Merlin grumbled something inaudible, but he knew that Arthur had once again given up. That was a relief.

Eating out sure was nice. During the year, Merlin had learned not to think or hope that these trips to outside world with Arthur as dates and even now that they were sitting in a restaurant just the two of them, Merlin didn't feel like he was on the verge of blurting out something inappropriate or slipping to depression. He just had fun and good time with Arthur with no stress of Uther thinking that he was having _too_ good time with his son.

Merlin had found a gift for everyone he had wanted to and he felt satisfied with that, but for Arthur… For Arthur Merlin had wanted to get something special. But how could he without it being embarrassing, suspicious or just a plain suicide? In the end he had decided that it was too risky and too stressful, he couldn't let Uther even suspect his feelings for Arthur. He could have of course bought something ordinary, but that didn't feel the same and besides, what ordinary could he possibly buy that Arthur didn't have already or couldn't get himself?

"You don't mind if I don't buy you a present, right?" Merlin asked from Arthur when he asked Merlin if he still had someone he wanted to buy a present. Arthur was taken aback by this. He would have wanted a present from Merlin. What ever he would have gotten from him, it would have been the best part of Arthurs Christmas and he knew it. In fact, Arthur had often thought last weeks of what Merlin would get him and he had been ridiculously happy just with the thought. He would have been happy with anything really. Now he had to conceal his disappointment and fast. "Sure… I don't have to get you anything then either?" he said hoping that his voice sounded steady and not as shaky as he felt.

"Of course you do. I have been giving my notes to you for free after all…" Merlin replied smoothly. It would kind of take some more stress from Merlin if he didn't have to try not to show how much getting a gift from Arthur meant to him, but he trusted that Arthur wouldn't take his comment seriously. Getting a gift from Arthur didn't feel fair. Merlin knew that what ever Arthur would give to him ever, would carry much more meaning to Merlin than Arthur had intended and that just wasn't right. The thought filled Merlin with shame and he thought about it every time he used the pen Arthur had given him last year.

"I guess you have a point…" Arthur replied slowly. Merlin snapped out of his thoughts immediately and he looked at Arthur wide eyed. He had been so sure… "Wha- oh, no you really don't have to. I was just kidding…" He tried, but how hard was it to sound serious when the only thing Merlin could concentrate was a warm feeling spreading in his chest. Arthur had just practically confessed that he valued Merlins notes… and maybe he would get a Christmas present after all…

'Stop it Merlin, you are reading way too much into this!' He told himself and concentrated on Arthurs reaction. He was looking at Merlin surprisingly serious and he shook his head. "If you say so…" Merlin sighed with relief at the same time he felt disappointment eat the warm feeling. This was just great. He himself had told Arthur that he didn't need anything and now he was disappointed? 'Way to go Merlin, way to go…' Suddenly it wasn't that easy to sit here with just Arthur and Merlin was happy when Arthur paid for them and suggested that they should go and just look around a bit more because they still had some time.

* * *

Arthur felt quite bad. It seemed that Merlin didn't want anything from him and it hurt. He had been spending even more time to decide of what to get for Merlin than wondering what Merlin would get for him. Of course Merlins birthday was nearing and there was no need for Merlin to tell him not to get him anything then, so Arthur could just give the present he had already bought and wrapped at New year. Oh who was he kidding? Not himself at least. He was disappointed and if Merlin wouldn't be happy with his present at his birthday, Arthur would be incredibly sad.

"Hey! Can we go there?" Merlin interrupted Arthurs thoughts. Arthur followed Merlins trail of vision and saw an antiquarian. So more books, yay… They had already visited a bookstore today and Arthur would have wanted to do something else, but he wouldn't say no to Merlin, so in they went. Merlin seemed to be searching for something and soon Arthur became curious "Are you searching for something?" "Kind of… Ha!" Merlin seemed to find what he had been searching for.

Arthur leaned in and Merlin was currently flipping quite a large and heavy book in his hands so he didn't seem to notice how close Arthur was. Ok, that might have made Arthurs mood rise and when Merlin just continued standing there, his face turned towards a tall book shelf, Arthur took the change and edged a bit closer than necessary. He could smell Merlins shampoo. He looked at the book on Merlins hands. 'The complete Sherlock Holmes' Arthurs forehead wrinkled in thought. "I thought you had that book…" Now that he looked at it, he recognised the cover.

Merlin turned his head surprised to see Arthur that close. 'Shouldn't have said anything…' Arthur thought until he saw Merlin blush a little and turn back to the book. "I have… It's just that I loaned it to Vivian and I think she would like to have one so um…" Arthur blinked at Merlins uneasy voice and the blushing… Seeing Merlin blush made his heart beat faster, but now that Vivian was mentioned… Merlin couldn't like _her_ , right? Arthur felt a strangling feeling.

"To Vivian? You are buying a present for _Vivian_?" So Merlin was buying a present for Vivian but not for him? That felt bad. Merlin glanced Arthur looking a bit amused. Arthur guessed that his emotions had gone straight to his voice. "I kind of thought it just now when I saw this store. She is lonely you know? And me and Gwen have a theory that she's in love with Sherlock Holmes and I would like my own book back." Arthur relaxed a bit at Merlins amused tone and his non-crush filled expression. He also noted that even after Merlin had noticed how close Arthur was standing, he hadn't moved away. That was nice…

"This one is actually in better condition than mine so I think I'l buy it… " Merlin mused out loud. "Oh! I should ask Gwen if she wants to participate." Merlin said with a grin and he took his phone out, but still not moving away from Arthur. Soon Arthur was hearing one side of a conversation where Merlin said in a very straight forward manner that he had bought a gift for Vivian to shock Gwen and Arthur couldn't help but laugh at the scene. He could hear faintly Gwens shocked '...What?!' trough the phone from where he was standing. He wished he would have seen Gwens expression. They bought the book and Merlin was again his happy self. Arthur still felt a bit hurt, but how could he be unhappy when Merlin was smiling at him like that.

* * *

The moment Merlin saw Vivian at school on monday, he asked her to return his book as soon as possible. Vivian had been seemingly cross with him for that, but Merlin hadn't given up. In the end Vivian dropped his copy of 'The complete Sherlock Holmes' on Merlins desk on friday before flicking her hair looking offended and going to sit as far away from Merlin as possible. Merlin couldn't help but snort at Gwen who sat next to him. They exchanged a look of conspiracy. Vivian was so not waiting for this…

After the class was over Vivian stormed out of the class room and Merlin wasn't laughing anymore. Nor was Gwen. It was apparent that Vivian was angry at Merlin even if she had no reason to be. The book was Merlins and he had loaned it to Vivian three weeks ago! Alright she had been complaining how she didn't have enough time to read it with all the test and stuff, but still… Merlin sighed. Vivian was in a way a friend, well, in a more entertain value than someone Merlin held dear. But who said that being entertaining couldn't count as a friend?

At lunch Merlin finally managed to sneak close enough to Vivian that she didn't have a change to pretend that he was air. "Vivian, wait." He said when Vivian tried to leave her table. She huffed, but sat down again any way. Gwen sat next to Vivian and smiled at her brightly confusing the said girl. Merlin really wasn't that sure if Vivian had other friends besides him and Gwen. "Here, Merry Christmas." Merlin said and took a neatly wrapped (Gwen had wrapped it) gift from his bag. Vivian looked at it first confused, then unimpressed, but took it anyway. Merlin tried not to look amused as he and Gwen waited.

Vivian opened the paper and as soon as the first corner of the book was visible, her expression changed completely. Merlin was sure that he had never seen Vivian look so sincerely happy. She _was_ pretty like this. Merlin was about to say something to her when Vivian let out a high pitched squeal and she jumped up and practically with the same leap to Merlins neck. Merlin totally froze and while Vivians quite tiny female body didn't feel that alarming against him, the strength she seemed to posses at the moment felt a bit frightening and Merlin was painfully aware of the stares they were getting.

"Christ! Vivian, get off of me! Hug Gwen! It was her idea!" He said trying to push Vivian of without touching anywhere near her chest and actually not touch her with his hands at all. This resulted some very awkward looking elbowing. Luckily Vivian turned to look at Gwen and she let go of Merlin just to flung herself to Gwen. Merlin let out a relieved breath and he sat down behind Gwen so she could act as a protecting wall between him and Vivian. He didn't look around, but he could still feel peoples stares on his skin. Gwen gave him a look from the middle of Vivians curls that clearly said 'My idea, eh?'

After Vivian had calmed down enough to let go of Gwen, she opened rest of the wrapping and opened the front page. 'To Vivian, Merry Christmas, M & G' Vivians expression was all glee and she almost jumped up and down on her chair. "I'm sure that you can think of someone whose name starts with 'M' if your father asks…" Merlin commented and Vivian seemed to appreciate that they had thought of that.

They spend rest of the lunch comparing some of the stories and when Arthur joined them (that was quite unusual if Vivian was present), she wanted to show him every detail of the book and tell him everything she thought about it. Merlin had been a bit nervous if Vivian would have wanted a newer edition, but she seemed to like the old feeling the best.

When Merlin rose first to take his tray and buy some chocolate before next class, Vivian opened her book and flipped some pages. "Oh, isn't he dreamy…" she sighed and Arthur and Gwen immediately stopped talking and looked at her slightly alarmed. "Um, who is?" Gwen managed to ask. Vivian gave her a look that could have been very rude, but it was evident that she was doing her best to be polite to Gwen now. "Sherlock Holmes, obviously." she said and turned back to her book. Arthur and Gwen looked at each others and bursted into a mighty laugh. When Merlin got back to ask what was so funny, they just shook their heads unable to answer anything coherent.

"What name do you want?" Vivian said to Merlin as soon as Merlin was seated. He turned to look at her confused. "I got my book from Gwen and… " she continued. 'This must be Vivians way of saying thank you', Merlin thought. "Just pick anything." He said and Vivian looked like she was thinking. That couldn't be good.

"Or maybe I could just tell it's from you… Maybe if it's you I could make my father see that you are harmless." Vivian said after a while. Merlin was currently eating his chocolate. "Mostly harmless." He replied without much thought. Vivian looked at him confused so Merlin had to guide her thoughts. "Like Earth…" it took a moment and then… "Oh! Yes you are!" and Vivian laughed. It was funny sound and a very rare one. Merlin grinned at her while Arthur just looked at them amazed.

When Arthur was sitting next to Merlin in their next class, he had to ask "What have you done to Vivian? She seemed like a human being who could take others into consideration." Merlin just smiled at him making Arthur happy "I had something she wanted from me." Arthur gave him an odd look and Merlin continued grinning "The complete Sherlock Holmes. Lets see how she turns out next year now that my advantage is gone." Arthur laughed at that and the rest of the day flew. He had seen Merlins reaction when Vivian had hugged him and he could relax again.

* * *

The end of the school was happy time for Arthur. His report card had tuned out better than he had dared to dream at the start of the year. He knew that it was much thanks to Merlin. He had lent him notes, he had made him do all the croup work and projects in time so he had been able to concentrate on the tests at the end of the year and he had been the source of his motivation for the whole semester.

And now Arthur could get to spend more time with him. No football, no school and he couldn't even practice in the garden much because the weather was horrible mix of snowing and raining in turns. So, basically he was stuck inside and Merlin was too. _If_ Arthur didn't take them out somewhere with his car. It was pure glee on Arthurs part and while Merlin didn't seem to share his enthusiasm, he didn't seem much different from how he had been in school and Arthur was taking that as an improvement.

Merlin felt surprisingly ok. Uther had again left him relatively alone for the end of the school year and Merlin was quite well rested. He had been happy to give his gifts to Gwen, Vivian and Elyan and even if Gwen had made him to deliver her gift to Lance in secret and Arthur had laughed at him for that, the end of the year had been fun. Merlin had even been able to steal some more bandages from Lances office when he had gone to drop the present and Lance hadn't been in the gym. It felt bad to admit to himself that he really would need the bandages in the future, but he knew what would await him when his mother would spend nights away in spring again. But for now, the Christmas was coming and he would try and enjoy it as much as possible.

* * *

Lance was spend. It was the last week of school before the vacations and he was expected to be at least in two places all the time. Teaching sure wasn't easy. Sure he had coached basketball team and junior football since he had been fifteen, but this was not the same. He had to give out grades for almost one hundred and sixty students, do tons of paper work, clean up the storage room, do inventory and worst of all, keep a school full of teenage boys who were ready to fly to their vacations at bay.

Only then he would get to the vacation himself. That was the theory anyway. If last year had taught him anything, it was that some very pissed off parents would send him an e-mail after e-mail of why their 'very talented' boy hadn't gotten a better grade... Last spring he had goten 24 of them...

His last class had already ended and he had now a blessed half an hour before the last football session of the year and while he had a ton of stuff to do, Lance decided to just drag himself to his office and stare a wall until he had to move again.

In his office though there was something he had not been waiting for. A neatly wrapped Christmas present sat on his table. It had stylish wrapping paper and a red bow with a small card attached. Lance knew who he wished it was from, but could he really let himself wish that? Or actually, _should_ he let himself wish for it? Was that wrong? But really, wishes or not, when he turned the card around, it was indeed from Gwen.

Despite of what was right or wrong, Lance smiled. It was very hard not to. He felt warm inside… some of the stress he had just evaporated right then.

Lance sat down and carefully opened the present the time limit he had completely forgotten. It was hand made mittens made of soft, but strong wool. Lance loved them. He tried them on and he could feel how warm they were and how much trouble it had been to make those. God this was hard, Lance wanted Gwen so much and when they talked, it was obvious that they shared the mutual interest and they both knew it. Or maybe Lance knew it better than Gwen? He was older after all with more experiance.

Lance leaned his elbows to the table and let his face rest on his still mitten covered hands. This was so wrong. He knew that and he should have stayed firm on staying away from Gwen after she had told him that she was only sixteen. He was a teacher for crying out loud and even if he wasn't, she was still underaged and Lance had the responsibility. Of her and her well being. He hadn't needed Merlin to tell him that what he was doing or feeling was wrong, but he was clad that he had. If not for him telling Lance what he had already known, maybe he would have slipped already. Now he had a very clear reminder in a form of a ever present Merlin watching him like a hawk, that he couldn't get away with this if he as much as took one small step closer to Gwen that he already was. That was why he only talked to her while they both had a lunch break and why he hadn't told Elyan to ask her to help around with the practices (God knew he could use some help here during the practices and he knew that Gwen waited in the library anyway) and why he hadn't even thought of getting a Christmas present for Gwen.

And he was twenty-two for crying out loud! What was wrong with him if he really was having a serious crush for a teenager?! And more than half a year now… It was just that he had felt it immediately. That Gwen was beautiful and it had only taken few minutes talking with her to see that it was not only on the outside. Lance had dated some of course, but it had always been awkward and mostly his relationships had ended for the lack of understanding the other. With Gwen he felt like they were in tune. He understood her and he felt that he could tell her anything without feeling that he had to pretend or proof something to her. He felt he could make the right decisions after just talking with her for a while for after that he always felt calmer and surer. Why did she has to be sixteen again?

Lance looked at the mittens he was still wearing. They fit perfectly. Lance remembered one day weeks ago when Gwen had pressed her palm agains his to see how much bigger Lances hands were compared to hers. 'So that's why she did that…' Lance smiled a little. He was quite sure that it was pathetic how good of a memory that was for him. It was not like he was sixteen year old virgin himself.

Lance let out a frustrated breath. It was just that it was so hard to keep remembering that the girl of his dreams was out of his reach. She was so beautiful and gentle and strong in her own way and she always stood her ground. It didn't feel at all like he was the older and a teacher with authority over her. Actually he felt that she never tried to impress or butter him up like some girls that had gone out with him. And that was just right. She was perfect.

Last week Lance had arrived to the school a bit later than he usually did and he had seen Gwen in the parking lot. It had been snowing and Gwen had smiled at him when their gazes had met. She had been wearing that knitted dress Lance liked very much and she had white roses in her hair. She had looked like the Christmas wish come true. Lance had felt his mouth dry and he had wanted nothing more than to close the distance between them and just kiss Gwen, bury his hands in her soft curls and cares her neck and cheeks and tell her how much he loved her while pressing her body against his.

The moment had been broken by Arthurs voice yelling at Elyan 'hi' and when Lance had teared his eyes off of Gwen, he had seen Merlin climbing out of Arthurs car. Merlin had found him with his gaze soon after and the very familiar face he made mostly every time he saw Lance with Gwen nearby, locking his eyes on Lance like he could tell just by looking long enough what Lance was thinking. And Lance had felt that any second now Merlin would storm in between him and Gwen telling Gwen to stay away from Lance for he was dangerous.

Lance had cleared his throat and told them all equally good morning before walking straight to the gym not looking at anyones eyes on his way.

The next monday the snow had melted and Lance had seen Gwen and she had looked excited over something and Lance saw that she did indeed look like the same age than the rest of her class mates. Lance had avoided Gwen for two days after that, but after just a ten minutes long conversation they had shared during a lunch, Lance was left where he had started. He loved Gwen and he could do nothing about it. Maybe he could wait for when Gwen was old enough and preferably studying somewhere where Lance was not working, but he knew that there was no way of guaranteeing that Gwen wouldn't get a boyfriend way before that. But that was just something Lance would have to survive. He himself was sure that there was no way he would ever find someone so perfect even if he searched his whole life.

The door of the gym opened and Lance could hear the noise the football team was making. It was time to gather the last of his enthusiasm for the sport and make the most of it. He couldn't let the team see this sad side of him that he was not proud of.

The last practice was more of Arthurs way of saying 'go home for the vacations remembering that we are the best' than anything else. It was inspiring to watch. Lance was so very proud of being a part of this. Arthur really was something. He was a true born leader and while he was the best player they got, his talents were definitely elsewhere. While Lance had more experience and he was good at teaching and he had made huge progress with Arthur, well, to be honest it was not very hard to make progress with someone like Arthur. He picked everything up very quickly and he used every advice Lance could give and made the best of them even bettering and developing them making huge results.

Even if all of the boys in the team were good and talented, Arthur had inspired them to work hard and do their very best every time. And the team knew that. The only one who didn't seem to know that was Arthur himself. He never bragged and he always seemed to think that the one who should work even more, was himself. Sometimes Lance wondered if Arthur ever rested at all. But he was always on top of the game and he just had this shine in his eyes telling Lance that he was loving every sweaty second of it, so Lance could just get sucked in and be as excited as the rest of them. Like Elyan who many teachers had commented in the teachers lounge had been a wild card and a handful or Lee who was known to be lazy and not be bothered much with anything unless one threatened to call his mother.

And still, while working hard, the team always seemed to have fun and they got each others covered. In this kind of intensive training there was always a risk that someone would get left outside or get too serious or lazy and bullied, but not on Arthurs watch. It really had nothing to do with the fact that Lance was there and he was a teacher and was supposed to hold authority. It really was just Arthur. Lance was sure that soon he wouldn't be needed here for much else than for his keys.

Working with Arthur had truly been a pleasure. And with the winnings they had, Lances job was secured. He had no decree after all and in the beginning he had been supposed to stay just until they found someone more suitable, but with the results, the principal had practically taken Lance aside and told him that there was really no hurry to hire anyone else and that there was some extra money so if Lance would like to stay longer he could get a bit better salary…  
Lance hadn't minded at all, but the fact was that he would have stayed as long as possible anyway. He loved his job and especially the football.

After the practice ended he and Arthur sat down and talked and talked about how the year had gone and what they could do next year getting distracted once in a while to share their Christmas plans and such. Arthur really was a friend and Lance hoped that they could stay in touch even after they didn't see each others in school anymore.

Arthur had left after his father had called him to know where he was. Most of the human beings Lance knew would have crumbled under the workload and strict rules that Arthur had, but Arthur didn't seem to mind at all. He had just told his father that he was having a meeting with Lance and that he would be home soon ending the phone call with a grin on his face. He had looked like he did during the practises, very content with his life. Maybe this kind of life suited him?

But it didn't suit Merlin. That much Lance was sure of. He had been seriously alarmed at Merlins behaviour more than once. Something just didn't seem right to him. But for the half a year Lance had kept an eye for Merlin (as much as he could with keeping tabs on every other of his pupils), he still had nothing to call home to. He had watched Merlin, he had talked with other teachers who mostly fought that Merlin was a smart boy but lacked respect and had this lazy attitude towards school. Some teachers thought that Merlin was just that talented that he got bored with the pace they were going in class, he had even asked for extra material and book recommendations for them after all. Knowing that Lance had ruled out that performing poorly in PE time to time as something to be worried about.

The next thing Lance was concerned was Merlins weight. Of course some teenage boys were very thin but Lance had seen many kids on age of Merlin and somehow there was just something different. Lance had no idea what. While he had gotten worried when Arthur had asked him about the anorexia, Lance had ruled that out too pretty fast. He had known an anorectic boy and that was something Lance would never forget. There just was not the same kind of feel in Merlin. Of course Lance had gone trough every possibility for eating disorders after that from bulimia to orthorexia, but after paying extra attention on Merlins eating and even using some opportunities of asking Gwen about Merlins eating, he had been convinced that was not the case either.

Gwen had basically laughed at him when he had asked if Merlin always ate as little as that particular day and told him how Merlin was almost as bottomless pit as her brother. Somedays the vegan food was just not appealing to him (the tone she used suggested that Merlin had said a lot more than 'not appealing'). Merlin would get something sweet to eat soon if Gwen knew him at all. True to that, Lance had seen Merlin bugging Arthur to give him some coins so he could get some chocolate from a wending machine just an hour later.

Talking with his love interest about one of his students was not a very professional method of gathering information, but talking with Gwen had given Lance some answers. Merlin was not in trouble or in bad company, he wasn't bullied and he was smart and funny, a part of him that Lance rarely saw in PE. Maybe because of the subject or just because of him, because whatever Gwen said, Lance knew that Merlin didn't trust him.

The only thing Gwen herself was worried, was Uther, Merlins step-father and Arthurs father. He was too strict in Gwen opinion. Lance could very well see that. Trough Arthur and he had come to a conclusion that maybe Merlin was not coping as well as Arthur, he was just a human after all. Maybe the school was the only place he didn't have to work as hard as Arthur seemed to work all the time and he took everything he could from that. This was not healthy in Lances opinion either, but that was not something he could complain to anyone. It was not like he could go to the principal, his employer, or other teachers or call home with 'Something's off with Merlin. He is a bit thin and sometimes he doesn't want to run coopers test. It might be because his step-father, who by the way funds this school, demands too much from him.' especially in this school. Demanding impossible from their children seemed to be the trend here.

Lance strolled around the gym trying to find if he had forgotten anything he was supposed to do before tomorrow and when he was sure he hadn't, he sighed and moved himself to his small office. He had a ton of stuff to do there and he wouldn't go home before he was done with it all. He was so not going to stay at school after the end of the year stuff. And he would definitely not come even near this building during the holidays.

It was almost nine o'clock i the evening when he finally had done everything that he absolutely needed to do before tomorrow. It was just some scattered small tasks that he could have done gradually over the year, but after working from approximately from nine to five very day with teenagers on his responsibility, he had quite never really got himself to do.

After filing a parer of all the expenses of the stuff he had ordered for the next year for PE and football and why, signing himself to a fire drill exercise with some other teachers for one saturday at february and answering an e-mail of one parent who was already worried about his sons graduating grade for the next spring, Lance started to clean his table of all the papers he wouldn't need anymore. At one point he found a note he had made of how many bandages he had used to patch up Pelinor after he had made a pretty bad leap in their first outdoors practice. Oh, yeah, the inventory of the drug cabinet… he had completely forgotten he had to do that.

It was a mandatory thing. He and school nurse had to keep tabs of what and how much they used and for what purpose. For him it wasn't that strict for the information was mostly for statistic purposes and to give the nurse the information of how much suplies he had used for he got them from her. The nurse had to do much more thorough job so she would know what to order and she also put everything to the pupils health register. Lance was permitted only to give necessary first aid and patch small things up. He only had some bandages alongside the necessary emergency suplies (like torniquet and bag valve mask) and the most powerful drug he had was paracetamol.

Lance had not been very thorough with his accounting on that, mostly when he had needed something from the cabinet he had had much more important things to do than try and find where the folder where he had this list was. So he knew that somewhere in this mess were more notes like this scattered around. Lance looked at the official document he had to fill already stating of how much of everything he had gotten at the start of the semester.

He counted how much he had everything now and marked everything that was missing as used. He wrote some things he remembered had happened and the rest he just wrote something like 'for minor bruise during football game'. He remembered all three times he had given someone paracetamol and all the cool gel packages and the more serious first aid stuff were in their place so Lance was actually very seriously considering of just checking those at the spring too. At least now he was too tired to care that he had slipped out of one of his seemingly superfluous duties.

Lance left after he had dropped the last papers to the principals office. Now he only had to come to the school tomorrow, talk with some parents, smile at them all when the report cards were handed out, listen the school band play and sing some Christmas carols after some group of girls from the last year had danced. Then he would wish all his students merry Christmas and he would not think any of this until next year. He wouldn't see Gwen or Merlin or Arthur for almost three weeks and after that, he hoped that he could stay proper with Gwen once again, he would be worth the standard Arthur had laid for the team and he would at least make Merlin have some carefree fun in his class if nothing else.

* * *

The Christmas was going to be quiet. Uther had paid some serious money to get their living room decorated and in the middle of it stood the biggest Christmas three Merlin had ever seen inside a house. It rose so high that Merlin could see its top when he opened his bedroom door. Underneath it was few gifts. Gwen had insisted that they saved her presents for Christmas so there were two neatly wrapped gifts from her, few from Hunith and few from Uther and the gifts Merlin and Arthur had bought for their parents.

Their cook had prepared quiet a lot of food and Hunith had wanted to help and make some of her specialities. This was the first time Merlin regretted being 'vegetarian'. He felt such nostalgia when he smelled his mothers roasted lamb with herbs, but he was happy to see that the cook (who didn't even like Merlin that much for reason or other) had made some dishes from tofu and mushrooms for him. Presents Merlin didn't care much. He knew that Arthur hadn't got him anything and while it was nice to get something from his mother, he felt guilty and from Uther he didn't want anything.

Most of the Christmas Eve Merlin was restless. He had called Will and he had tried reading, but he couldn't calm down enough to concentrate on it. Arthur had interrupted his call and while he had left soon when he had realized that Merlin was on the phone, Merlin kind of knew he could go and spend time with Arthur. He was currently avoiding doing just that.

After lying under his bed for a while he left the room and went downstairs. That was rare for him and he was happy to see the coast clear, no cooks or maids running around. He hid himself behind the Christmas tree. He liked the tree, under it's long branches he felt a bit like home and the forest he had played when he had been little. He and Will had compared their holidays in the morning and Will had found the thought of getting that big tree inside hilarious. The trees they had decorated at Wills home had always been at most as tall as the man who had brought them in.

Back then Merlin and his mother had spent their Christmas Eve there. With some of Wills relatives in the house, it had been much more fun than to stay alone with his mother in their small (and often cold at the time of the year) home. Merlin rubbed his face. How was he supposed to think this as a Christmas? It was so different and so… just not the same. It would have been alright if Uther wasn't home, but apparently he had taken the day off completely and taken Merlins mother to somewhere now in the morning and then they would come back before dinner and they were supposed to be one big happy family and have a cozy family Christmas… Ugh.

Eventually Merlin crawled from under the tree and made his way to Arthurs room. He didn't know if he should do that, but he needed some comfort even if it was a guilty pleasure for him. And maybe Arthur too wanted to spend some time with Merlin? Maybe he was bored too?

Merlin knocked Arthurs door not sure if he should just enter the same way Arthur always did. He changed his weight from foot to foot nervously before Arthur opened the door grinning. He was happy that Merlin had come. He had actually gone again to see if Merlin had ended the call already, but Merlin hadn't been in his room. Arthur seriously had no idea to where Merlin disappeared time to time.

They had good time and while they watched a movie mainly as a background noise, they talked about school and Gwen and their gifts and just generally everything. Merlin learned some new things about Arthurs opinions and he was happy to hear how much they varied from those of Uthers. Arthur was much more liberal when they talked about Gwen and Lance and Merlin told him how Lance felt about Gwen. Arthur was actually more understanding than Merlin had been and in the end Merlin had gotten some peace of mind on that topic. Arthur promised not to tell anything to Gwen and he assured Merlin that Lance was indeed a very noble person, if he had said that he wouldn't do anything to Gwen, Arthur was sure he wouldn't.

* * *

The Christmas was and went. Merlin had gotten some new books and a very warm soft pullover from his mother, a new calculator he would actually need and an envelope that Merlin knew would tell him that he again had more money on his account from Uther. Merlin didn't even open it. Gwen had knitted him a scarf and added some hand made coupons for hot chocolate and pancakes. Merlin loved his pullover and scarf, they were both warm and they kind of replaced some of his yearning for contact of people. He had been lonely also in a physical sense of meaning, he missed the times he could just curl next to his mother and let her hug him. But he couldn't relax like that anymore. The pullover was nonliving enough that Merlin could let it to his skin with ease.

At some point Hunith had wondered out loud why Merlin and Arthur didn't have any presents for each others, but Merlin had answered that it would have been quite difficult to search a gift for Arthur when the only change he had goten had been with Arthur. This had brightened Arthurs day and he had laughed how Merlin had anyway promised to loan his notes for the next year too and how that was a present enough. Merlin had made him a face just to keep up the good humour and show that he wasn't too happy to hear Arthur say that.

Hunith had kept her promise and Merlins birthday would be just a family occasion. She had asked if Merlin had wanted to invite some friends, but Merlin had refused. He wouldn't be able to relax with for example Gwen with Uther around anyway and he feared how he would look like to Gwen who had never seen how tense Merlin was when Uther was around. They had gone to a fancy restaurant and after that to look some awesome fireworks on the restaurants balcony.

At the restaurant Hunith had asked if Merlin would like to drive a license too, like Arthur had. It had sounded very tempting to Merlin. There was no reason why he couldn't learn to drive and the possibilities that car could bring… but then he had seen Uthers face from a corner of his eye and he had known that he would regret it if he said yes, so he had refused politely stating that he wasn't that interested and that he wouldn't use a car much anyway. His mother had looked at him a bit weirdly so Merlin had blabbed something about pollution and environment and in the end Hunith had seemed to understand. Merlin started to see his lies making him a form of personality. He was becoming an environment concerned and nature loving animal saving kind of guy. He just needed some clothes made of hemp and a tree to hug and he would be complete. Great.

While Merlin was looking at the fireworks light the sky after his mother had hugged him and wished him happy birthday, he thought of the life and how short and how long time could feel. He was now sixteen. In two years he could do what he pleased legally, but could he really? Even then Uther would have those pictures. Of course if Merlin would be strong, or desperate enough, he could just disappear. One day he could just go without a warning. He could travel somewhere far away and never contact anyone he now knew. That way Uther could do what ever he wanted and Merlin would never have to face his mother or Arthur or Gwen or Will to see their reaction.

But Merlin knew he wouldn't be that strong. He couldn't just leave and leave everyone and everything behind. And even if he would go to the worlds end, he felt that Uther would find him. And besides, what would he even do there? Alone and hiding. Would he find new friends or even love? That felt too unlikely and how could he forget Arthur? He kind of knew that people changed, but his feelings just felt too strong and he couldn't imagine them to just disappear.

Merlin sighed. Second round of fireworks was just starting and Merlin leaned to a railing in front of him. "What's with you and being gloomy on birthdays?" Merlin turned his head and saw Arthur just half a meter from him, leaning to the railing himself. Merlin hadn't even noticed him. Merlin blinked at him couple of times. The fireworks casted some green and pink lights on Arthurs face and Merlin knew that he would need to stop staring right now. He didn't dare to check, but he was sure that Uther was somewhere near, watching him.

"I'm not gloomy…" He mumbled and tried to concentrate on the fireworks once again. "What ever you say… Here, happy birthday." Arthurs voice was calm and just… nice. Merlin teared his gaze away from the fireworks to look at Arthur again. In Arthurs extended hand there was a perfectly book sized gift wrapped neatly to one of the bigger chain bookstores wrapping paper.

Merlin was a bit loss of words so he just settled to mumble "Thanks…". His heart was hammering in his chest and he glanced at Arthur if it was ok to open his gift now. Arthur looked at him clearly waiting Merlin to open his present, so Merlin did. It was indeed a book. Merlin vaguely remembered hearing something about this book, it had been made to a movie and it should have come out for Christmas holidays. The cover of the book was obviously from the movie and it was soft cover. When Merlin turned it around to see the front cover, something almost fell. He managed to catch it. It was an envelope and inside it two tickets for the movie made of the book and some coupons for the same theatre for popcorn and drinks.

Merlin could just stare. He had been thinking of the movies he had missed at summer many times during the year and he really had wanted to ask many times if Arthur would take him there, but hadn't got the courage. For a moment he forgot that Uther might be watching his every move and he looked at Arthur in the eye and smiled at him brightly. "Wow, thank you, I haven't been in movies since…" Merlin tried to remember when had it been, but Arthur, who was now smiling too took it from there "Since you were nine. You went with your mother to see the Lion King." Merlin had to laugh, so Arthur had asked his mother then…

"Yeah… It has been some time. And it was just a small thing in nearby village… I bet this is a bit different experience." Merlin couldn't believe this, he felt just so happy. "You'll come with me right?" He asked before he could think it trough. He mentally slapped himself but then Arthur grinned at him widely and Merlins heart melted. How could he tell himself that he had made a mistake if Arthur was looking so happy?

They spend some time talking about going to the movies before Merlin dared to glance behind him. Uther was nowhere to be seen and Merlin couldn't find his mother either. Uther must have taken his mother back inside then. That meant Merlin had feared for nothing and he was happy to concentrate on Arthur once more.

On the way home, Arthur asked his father if they could go to movies in few days and Uther gave them permission. It seemed that he was still pleased with Arthurs grades that had gone up quite much in the last year or so. Merlin stayed calm in front of everyone, but when he was safely in his own room, he hugged the book and the envelope against his chest and he laughed softly.

Getting a present from Arthur was the best feeling ever! And getting to go with him to the movies… and how he obviously had thought of Merlins present at least enough to make two trips to buy the book and then the tickets and ask his mother what Merlin would like to do. Maybe Merlin was reading too much into it and he knew it very well, but he wasn't ready to give this happiness away. He would have his date even if to Arthur it wouldn't mean the same.

* * *

A/N Hi! Ok the part with Lances point of view turned out to be really long... But it was so much fun writing something new rather than correcting my own spelling mistakes all the time.

Again a huge thank you for everyone who has reviewed!

mersan123 Oh, so good that you liked the vegetarian thing, I myself liked that scene quite a bit :) Yes, Merlin is attempting to take some control, I'm so happy that I managed to convey that with my writing! Also that you found Huniths thoughts interesting... I'm out of words. That was the newest thing I have written, I wrote Lances thoughts first. I have avoided anything to do with Uther that was not directly said or done to Merlin or Arthur, but while I was writing Huniths tought, I realised there really was nothing in this story that would let you all know how Uther is also lying and manipulating his wife... So thank you very much for inspiring me to write about Hunith too! This is why reviews are worth so much :)

EssieScrawls I'm so happy to hear that I have a new reader! Welcome abroad :) I know what you are feeling right now. Imagine how long it took me to write these first 100 000 words and I felt the same all the time. But I promise you a happy ending, there was no way I could have done anything else after all this shit Merlin has gone trough. I hope you will like the direction this story is going from now on too!

MillaMaxwell12 Thank you! I can't wait to get to that part were this all unravels either even thought it was hell to write. In the most satisfying way possible. Argh, Merlin needs some support and fast!

Angel Dove1 You really know how to make my day :) It feels so unreal how many positive things you say about my writing (altought I'm in no way complaining!) That is so true that we want to trust the people around us and it is healthy and normal to be able to think that a person is trustworthy until proved otherwise, not the other way around like Merlin is functioning at the moment... If I could proofread this any faster I would update faster just to get this horrible part of Merlins life over with...

BluesAvalon Hello! I recognised your name immediately, you were the first one to fav me! I'm so happy to hear from you, please leave a comment every time you feel like it for even if this story is thecnically almost completed, some reviewers have given me excelent ideas and I have added bits and pieces here and there (the longest of course the thoughts of Hunith and Lance). And that you have found my story realistic, is one of the greatest compliments I could have gotten for that has been my aim with this story. So, thank you so much for your review, I hope that you will like the rest of the story too!

b92morgan No sorries for writing a comment! Please do it more! I am so very happy to hear that you have gotten these strong emotions, that's how I know that I have succeeded with my writing :) it is also very much frustrating when we know how horrible everything is for Merlin while his own mother has no idea. Uther is lying and manipulating and it is very sad that the rest of the family is not communicating enough to get that. It would be so great if we could see every family suffering like this and drag everything to light. Somehow it just doesn't seem to work that way... Thank you for your comment!


	16. Chapter 16 - Gwaine

Arthur was over the moon. He felt light, everything seemed nice and pretty and just generally good. Merlin had liked his present and he had asked Arthur to come with him to the movies. Arthur had pondered for a long while in the theatre if he should have bought two, three or four tickets to the movie. He was sure that Merlin would have been happy if they could have invited Gwen with them and if Elyan had a ticket too, they could have held kind of a birthday party for Merlin. Still, in the end Arthur had taken two, because even if it felt petty, he had wanted to see if Merlin would ask him or Gwen to join him to the movies. In a way Arthur was testing who Merlin liked better. That wasn't very cool and Arthur _did_ feel a bit guilty about that, but Merlin had asked him. And not even after thinking, he had asked right away! And that smile… Oh the life was good.

The day of the movies came too slowly for Arthur and Merlins mood varied depending mostly on how Uther had looked or what he had said or done to Merlin, but when he was sitting in Arthurs car ready to go, Merlin couldn't have been happier. Whatever was right or wrong, today Merlin had decided to think this as a date, a real date (just with being cautious of not to touch Arthur or say anything stupid that would give himself away of course). It would be a fantasy, but Merlin really didn't care right now.

The movie started at six o'clock in the evening so Merlin and Arthur had left after dinner. It was very unusual to get out this late and Merlin liked the feel of the city at night. People were going out and to see friends rather than going to school or work alone. The sun was still in the sky, but when the movie would end, it would already be dark and Merlin knew he would relax even more then. He felt much more at ease in dark nowadays.

The theatre was modern and big and the movie they were going to see was on the biggest screen. Merlin could just sit on his seat, box of popcorn on his lap and soda next to him and look around in awe. The screen was the biggest Merlin had ever seen and the seats were luxuryously red and soft and big and there were so many people and the ceiling was so high… It was just awesome!

At some point Merlin turned to look at Arthur who was watching him with an amused look on his face. Merlin remembered how Arthur used to get annoyed at him whenever Merlin had been acting like this, but recently Merlin had felt that Arthur mostly just found it funny. It was much better and Merlin had no problem acting a bit goofy if it amused Arthur.

Even the commercials blew Merlin away with how loud and bright they were and the movie was huge! He could feel himself fly with the camera work and even if the plot and scenes were very different from the book (he had finished reading it in two days ) and not for the better, it didn't really matter at all. At some point Merlin laughed at something and he leaned to his armrest. His elbow met Arthurs and when Arthur didn't shift away, Merlin left his arm where it was.

In few minutes that was nearly all he could concentrate on and when he was sure that Arthur was looking at the screen, he turned his head just slightly so he could steal some glances of Arthurs silhouette. 'He's so handsome…' Merlin thought and he decided that now was the time to fantasise of this being a date. He made a quick evaluation and came to a conclusion that it wasn't anything friends couldn't do if he leaned just a little bit to Arthurs touch. It wasn't too suspicious.

He was just about to put some more pressure to the hand he was leaning to, when Arthur leaned to his direction to comment on something that had just happened and Merlin had totally missed. The result was that Arthur was now leaning towards Merlin, just as Merlin had wanted, but at the sudden movement, Merlins reflex was to lean back. Arthurs smile faltered slightly and Merlin couldn't hear what he was saying, so he gathered his courage and leaned back where he had been and asked Arthur what he had said. Arthur repeated and it was funny so Merlin chuckled softly at him. Arthur seemed pleased and he turned back to the movie, but now they were closer than they had been previously. It was actually much better that Arthur had moved closer himself, he couldn't be suspicious of Merlin if it was himself who had moved closer, right?

After a while of calming down, Merlin relaxed and enjoyed his closeness to Arthur. They were now leaning to the same arm rest and their shoulders were just barely not touching. Merlin could feel the warmth radiating from Arthur and he knew that if he tilted his head just a bit, it would rest on Arthurs shoulder. Their elbows were touching and when Merlin took a hold of the end of the arm rest, he could almost imagine that they were holding hands. This really was like a dream. If only it could be real… But right now that didn't matter much. Merlin let himself sink into a blessed state where he was just enjoying the present. He didn't even feel guilty right now. He was just enjoying his 'date'.

* * *

When the movie ended, Arthur wished they didn't have to go. He looked at Merlin who was still looking at the screen, possibly to take everything he could of the big screen. Arthur had been even more happy that he had thought with Merlins reactions. He had obviously made the right choice with Merlins present. Merlin had his hands on his lap now, he had moved them when the lights had started to turn on.

Arthur had been so happy when Merlins hand had touched his and he had felt a strong need to touch Merlin more, but when he had seen Merlin lean back, Arthur had decided not to risk the little he got. Merlin looked so happy and that made Arthur feel butterflies in his stomach and his own smile grow every time he looked at Merlin. He wanted to lean on Merlin so much. His hand felt like it had electricity under its skin and it needed to go around Merlin. He wanted to take Merlin to his arms and hug him and smell his hair and neck.

Arthurs gaze wandered to Merlins smile. The smile he loved so much. Merlins lips were curved to a gentle and relaxed smile. His lips looked soft and tempting and Arthur wanted to kiss them.

Arthur blinked. What was that? He wanted to… kiss Merlin? Yes, he really did. The thought caught him by surprise. This was the first time he had really felt like that and the feeling shook him from inside. Apparently being in school hadn't helped at all, there was no hope in him, he had a massive crush on Merlin and now it had turned physical. Really, sexually, physical. And of course the first time he felt this kind of need, it just had to be towards his stepbrother.

Now there was no way of explaining himself anymore. Everything he had done or wanted before, could have been explained to others that Merlin was a very dear friend or even pretend that it was nothing at all. That he hadn't even thought about it even if it wasn't most common thing to hug and want to lean on a male best friend, but this was clearly way over that line. Just thinking of wanting to kiss Merlin was way too much and if Merlin, no, anyone would ever find out, Arthur would have no way of explaining his way out of it. Arthur shuddered slightly. Thinking that was a bit scary.

At some point Merlin turned to look at Arthur and he tilted his head slightly to the side. Arthur realised then that he had been staring and that he was still staring at Merlin with his mouth slightly open. "You really haven't been in movies much…" He said to cover it up. Merlin blushed slightly not helping Arthurs case at all. He had to turn to look at another direction. 'Awesome, I'm officially messed up.' He thought. "I think we should leave now… we could have something to eat before we go home…" Arthur said after clearing his throat. Merlin nodded at him and Arthur was clad that he could turn his back to Merlin when he stood up. He was quite sure he was blushing himself.

Merlin kept chatting about all the differences the movie had compared to the book while they walked out of the theatre and he was happy and more relaxed in Arthurs company that Arthur could remember him being in a long time. After a while of just listening Merlin and seeing him smile made Arthur relax and he could comment the movie with Merlin. Soon the conversation was rolling like normally and Arthur felt much lighter. He still wanted to take hold of Merlins hand while they walked side by side towards a nice looking cafe that was still open and full of people, but he ignored the feeling. He also found his gaze drop more than once to Merlins lips and finally he decided to keep his eyes in front of him and not look at Merlin at all.

The cafe was great and Merlin joked that he wanted another stomach so he could eat more even after he had eaten two slices of cake and drank a mighty mug of hot chocolate. Arthur had such a good time. He was sure that he had never had so much fun just sitting in a cafe with anyone else than Merlin and this wasn't an isolated case, he seemed to always have this much fun with Merlin. Time flew too quickly and every time Arthur glanced at his clock, the time had seemed to jump forward much more than he had thought. He knew they were late already and that he would have to take his fathers anger for that, but he still felt it was small price to pay if he could spend just a little more time with Merlin.

Arthur finally admitted that they had to leave when his father called and was not pleased when Arthur told him that they were still in the central. Merlin looked highly alarmed when he listened Arthur talk to the phone and by the look of his face Arthur could tell that Merlin had just realised what time it was. However, Merlin managed to calm down when Arthur told him that he would apologise to his father and that he hadn't sounded that mad anyway. That wasn't exactly true, but Arthur was sure that he could take care of his father and he was more than wiling to take the blame for this one.

They walked the short distance back to the movie theatres parking lot in peace and Arthur had no trouble of walking in slow pace so Merlin could take everything from the night buzz and city lights. He seemed to enjoy them very much and when Arthur asked Merlin about it, he told that he had loved this ever present life of the city the most when he had first moved here. He had confessed that actually it was a pity that they lived in so quiet area.

Arthur could understand this. He had rarely been out this late himself and in the central area and when he looked around, he had to admit that he too enjoyed the crowd of different people going by in leisure no doubt spending their vacations or just weekend with no hurry. The city was alive and beating and while comparing what he found interesting or what he liked with Merlin, he felt that they had found something they had in common. Arthur wished that he didn't have to worry about his crush so much.

* * *

School started too soon on Merlins opinion and when he had to wish her mother luck when she left to school he felt bitter and not willing to admit that he had to go soon too. She would have one week of orientation at school before the internship would start. Merlin thought that he was the one who would need luck then.

The school calmed him down a bit and he was happy to see Gwen and even Vivian who still dragged the book Merlin had bought her around. She told Merlin that she had of course finished reading it a long time ago, but that she was now reading the best parts again. That didn't surprise Merlin at all. But what did, was when he asked Vivian if she had told her father who the book was really from.

Vivian paused her reading looking a bit annoyed for the interruption "Yes. He flipped at first when I told him that you and Gwen are not dating, but I made something up so if my father ever asks you, you are dating. Are we clear?" Merlin had replied 'of course' before even thinking because Vivians tone was so commanding, but after Vivian had again turned to read, Merlin exchanged a confused look with Gwen. He was clad that Vivian hadn't lied that he and Gwen were dating, it was actually oddly thoughtful of Vivian. Only when Merlin was sitting in the next boring class did Merlin realise that Vivians father was an associate of Uthers. He wished that Vivians father wouldn't comment about Merlins 'girlfriend' to him.

The first ride from school to home was nothing Merlin couldn't handle, but as soon as he stepped inside the house, Merlin felt the pressure of this being just the first of many many rides from school to home on this spring. One of many times Uther would feel him up in his car, one of many days he would have nothing else to do than study some boring facts to distract himself from the fact that Uther might come to his room at night. And with his mother gone, Merlin knew that those nights would be often.

"I trust you will study well this year too?" Uther said to Merlin as he walked in from behind Merlin not even looking at his direction. "Yes." was Merlins only reply. Of course, what else could he do? What else was there to do in this empty house on his supposedly free time when he was expected to act straight and polite and never ever have any feelings for anyone, while the only thing that could distract him from that was to study even if he could have managed with half of the time he spend buried in his books last year?

Merlin slept poorly the whole week even if Uther didn't even show his face. Merlin knew what was waiting for him when his mother would be gone. This was just calm before the storm. Knowing this however made Merlin a bit more occupied than normally. Every time he was left alone he sneaked something from the kitchen. He was careful not to take too much or being found out and he hid small stashes of food in different places in his room. He managed to get some cookies and jam again along with some honey and crackers. He was mostly drawn to sweet things and he continued to steal what ever he could until he ran to their cook who accused him of stealing her cookings (for a reason) and while Merlin did his best to convince her otherwise, he was jumpy for days hoping that the cook wouldn't say anything to Uther.

She never did, or at least Uther didn't say anything to Merlin so gradually Merlin let himself relax again, but he didn't dare to take anything from the kitchen anymore. The cook continued to look Merlin with some hostility and if she hadn't liked Merlin before… Merlin made a point of complementing her of the vegan food she made for him for a while, but she only seemed mildly happy about that so Merlin soon dropped it. It felt stressful to talk to her and more trouble than worth it.

When Hunith left for her first nightshift on monday, Merlin wanted to hug her and tell her that she couldn't go, but in reality what Merlin did was wish her luck and smile at her with forced smile. Merlin didn't even notice Arthur until he threw a pen at his head wanting to get some notes or something from him and he was soon gone with Merlins notebook when Merlin had practically snapped at him how he needed some peace and quiet about right now.

The night came too quickly and even if Merlin knew it was coming, it didn't make it any more easy when he heard the door handle turn.

"Take your clothes off." Uther wasn't going to spare Merlin from anything today, Merlin could hear it from his tone. Still he didn't move. He didn't want this, he never had, but today… He felt it so very strongly. He had one week worth of feeding his feelings and he had come to a definite conclusion. He never had wanted any of this. Even Uther looking at him made him uncomfortable and having sex with him… he hated it. So much.

"Do it, or I'll do it for you." Uthers voice held more thread now and Merlin knew that if he didn't do it himself, he would just make matters worse for himself. Again.

He took his shirt off and started to open his trousers, but clearly he wasn't fast enough because Uther pushed him down to the mattress and pulled rest of his clothing off harshly. Normally Uther took him from behind and Merlin preferred it that way. Then he didn't have to see Uther and he could just bite his pillow until it was over. Now, however, when he tried to turn, Uther crabbed his hands and made him lay on his back. Merlin didn't like this and he tried to struggle agains Uthers grip. This only managed to make Uther strengthen his hold until it hurt.

But what came next made Merlin truly fear. Uther took a pair of handcuffs from his pocket and trapped Merlins hand with one hand. Merlin tried to fight the hold but Uther was now sitting on top of him and he could do nothing to prevent Uther from trapping his wrist one at a time. His bed had a barred bed end so it was easy to slip the handfuls around one of the metal pipes.

Merlin panicked. His hands were in an awkward position and he felt exposed. He didn't want Uther to see him…. When he tried to struggle, the handcuffs cut into his skin and Uther didn't bulge nor did the metal pipe the handcuffs were around. Uther moved himself so he could take a hold of Merlins legs and open his own trousers. Merlin whimpered and he kept pulling his arms without any real direction on his actions.

"Quiet boy. Or would you want me to get rough?" Uthers cold voice made Merlin try to calm down, which was hard. He was breathing too fast and he knew he was on a verge of panic attack. He concentrate to stop struggling but he knew it wouldn't help… He tried to forget his tied hands and he repeated in his mind that this was not any different from the other times.

Uther moved slowly to take the lube from Merlins night stand and climbed back to the bed. He opened Merlins legs, which was the most humiliating thing Merlin had ever experienced and started to cares Merlins entrance with his lubed fingers. Merlin couldn't look. He tried to look at the ceiling and tell himself that he was somewhere else. He heard Uthers camera a couple of times and he felt panic rise inside of him again. He fought it and didn't move or make a sound.

"I see you are enjoying yourself…" Something in Uthers smug voice made Merlin look at him and then himself. He was laying there his legs lewdly open, Uthers fingers were in his ass and he himself was hard. 'no…' He had to fight his nausea and his scream both trying to exit his throat at the same time. 'No… not again...' He knew he didn't want this, that he hated it, so why was he hard? Uther hadn't even touched him there and he… He saw Uthers camera go again and Merlin knew how this would look like.

Uther pulled his fingers out with a sound that made Merlin turn his head away and shut his eyes. It was so humiliating… Why there was such sounds coming from him… "What a lewd body you got…" Uthers words hurt Merlin like a knife but soon Uther penetrated him making him concentrate on the physical pain instead. His hands were already near their limit position but when Uther pushed in and out his body moved making his joints hurt and the handcuffs were rubbing his skin painfully. And he could do nothing else than hope it would end soon.

To his luck and misfortune it had been a long time since Uther had taken him. To luck meaning that Uther came relatively fast and to his misfortune that he wasn't used to this either. Before Uther came, Merlin couldn't stop himself from crying out of pain. His hole hurt so much… he wasn't sure if he was bleeding again or not, but he felt like he was braking. When he did shout, Uther quickly took a hold of his neck silencing him. Being restricted was a torture.

Uther came a minute after that but for Merlin, it was an hour. He saw images flash in his eyes, he was trapped, he couldn't move, he couldn't breath properly, he felt like he was spinning and eaten by purples and yellows and then… it was over. He barely noticed Uther leaving or opening the handcuffs. He couldn't stand so he crawled to the bathroom and threw up. Usually he didn't throw up if he hadn't tasted Uther but now it wouldn't end.

When Merlin could finally stop vomiting, the world came to focus. He again knew which way was up and which was down. He spent a good while just leaning on the toilet seat before crawling to shover. He could have tried to stand now, but he didn't want to. He scrubbed his skin with too much soap and a sponge. Especially the places Uther had touched.

At some point he noticed he was half erected. He hid it from his vision by closing his legs and covering it with his hands. He didn't understand… what was his body doing? He was messed up and something was wrong with his body. He wondered if he could be some kind of illness. He hit the tiled floor with his fists until his penis was limp again. His hands hurt and he was clad that he had a large collection of long sleeved shirts nowadays, because the handcuffs had left his wrists swollen and red. He glanced his thigh and saw the ugly scar in it. 'At least I did that myself…' He imagined if this left scars on his writs and he hated the thought. Uther had already taken everything in his body, he didn't need a visual remind of it.

When Merlin was ready with his shower, he didn't wan't to go out. His room felt too big and too open. But the bathroom didn't feel safe either and he saw too easily ghostly images of his blood on the white tiles so he had to leave. He dragged his blanket and pillow to the couch like usual, but he didn't find it comfortable so eventually he curled himself in a small space between wall and his couch and slept. At least some parts of the night. He keept waking up for some part or other hurting or feeling numb but he didn't have any energy to move himself to lay back to the couch.

Finally he straightened himself to sleep on the floor in front of his couch. He wrapped himself to his blanket and slept abruptly until morning. When he couldn't lay on the floor anymore, the clock was already 6am and he knew that if he would lie on the couch he would just not want to wake up when he had to, so he dragged himself up from the floor, threw his blanket to his bed and started to change. He chose the most colourful combination he could find from his closet to make up for the lack of self esteem. Red shirt with green trousers and his brown jumper. When he was dressing his muscles complained and he suddenly remembered Uthers hands on his neck. He stormed to his bathroom and checked his neck from the mirror. There were some red marks and even few places where nails had broken his skin. He had to cover that up…

He went back to his closet and found a green neckerchief to tie on his neck. He double checked from mirror that it covered all the marks and put his jumpers hood up just to be sure. He then went downstairs just to be made fun of by Arthur who seemed to find it funny that Merlin was up this early. Merlin didn't have energy to talk to him so he just made an annoyed noise and went to get something to eat from the fridge. "Got off from your bed with wrong foot? Or do you still sleep on your couch?" Arthur tried to be funny but Merlin really wasn't in the mood so he just took a bread with cheese and moved to eat it in the living room.

"You really shouldn't eat in there, father would have your head if he knew…" Arthur didn't seem to get the hint. "I'll go to eat in your car then…" Merlin replied with a dry voice. "No! God! Stay there if you want, I don't care." Well, Arthur _did_ like his car very much…

Arthurs possessiveness of his car finally made Merlin smile a bit to himself. The living room couch was too comfortable so after Merlin had eaten he went back up to collect his things and made far too many trips to his room and to Arthurs car and back just so he would keep himself moving and not to fall asleep. When it was finally time to leave, Merlin sat into the passenger seat, fastened his seatbelt and fell asleep. He woke up only when Arthur literally pulled him from his seat to the schools parking lot.

"It didn't occur to you that you could have woken me up like a normal person?" Merlin whined while they walked towards the school. "Merlin, it takes a week to wake you up normally!" Arthur protested clearly annoyed in a little bit flustered way but Merlin wasn't going to back down. He was hurting all over and he had been almost scared to death by sudden feeling of someone pulling him to some direction. It reminded him too much of how Uther had handled him just last night.

"I wake every morning to my alarm clock thank you very much!" "And how am I supposed to imitate your stupid clock in a parking lot, huh, Merlin?!" Arthur shot back. This actually made Merlin snicker. "Well, you are doing a very good job now." Arthur went silent for a moment and then… " _Mer_ lin!" Merlin had seen this coming and was already running towards school laughing. Arthur didn't take long to run after him and catch him near the entrance. For Merlins luck, there was a teacher standing by nearby so Arthur settled with knuckling his hair.

* * *

Merlin had gone trough days with less sleep than this, but today it seemed impossible to stay awake. He was scolded twice for not listening and once for falling asleep. At lunch he could barely eat because his throat still hurt and because the schools vision of a vegetarian meal today was a pile of green slime with rice. Even Arthur didn't ask why he wasn't eating much.

And then there was PE. Merlin hated it when he had to drag himself to another PE class. He knew he wouldn't like it and after that he would have to sit in the same car with Uther. His monday angst really was on a different level than others was. He changed in bathroom and checked his neck. Luckily the red marks had faded and only the nail marks were left. He hoped no-one would notice them but if asked, he could always tell how he had scratched his neck too hard himself. That had worked before.

They had basketball today. Merlin groaned at the subject, but in reality he would have done the same to any subject. After doing his warm ups with his best impression of an ameba, Merlin dragged himself around on the edges of the basketball game so he didn't have to play, but that only worked for about five minutes. "Merlin! join in, you'll have to run a bit to get the ball!" Lance urged Merlin to play. Merlin pretended that he didn't hear Lance, but Lance didn't give up. He tried three times and when Merlin didn't give him any reply, the last time Lance practically showed him into the game.

"Don't touch me!" Merlin snapped at him with an angry hiss. He regretted it immediately. Lance took a step back and looked a bit hurt. Merlin would have apologised right away, but someone else called Lance just then and the moment was gone. He had done it again... He had snapped at Lance with no good reason and from the hurt Merlin had seen in Lances expression he could tell that Lance hadn't forgotten his last hurtful words like he had thought.

Merlin tried to participate a bit more after that. Just to make Lance even a bit happy. He really would need to find a way to apology to Lance. It wasn't like Lance had even done anything that really made him uncomfortable, in a way he was thankful that Lance still took some effort with him even if he wasn't one of his star students.

Lance was one of the rare teachers in this school that really paid attention and took effort to know their pupils. In Merlins case, most of the teachers just ignored him. He would have been praised a lot for his success and hard work and good grades and stuff if he was more enthusiastic. But with a lazy and uninterested attitude and occasional falling asleep, many of the teachers found him annoying in a way they couldn't even complain about. If Merlin had been unable to answer their questions or if he missed deadlines or something, they could have always scolded him and called his home, but when he was always early and spot on correct on everything, the only thing they seemed to be capable of was to huff at him and tell him it wasn't polite to sit like that or that he should sleep at night.

While somedays Merlin was grateful that he was left alone, in the long run he felt that he wasn't worth being taken as a person. He was just one of the masses who could show more respect. So in every other class nobody cared enough to even look at his direction twice, but PE. And they didn't even know he was gay. Had Merlin thought it like that or not, the teachers were one of the things that ate his self esteem bit by bit.

After getting himself to move, for some reason Merlin started to feel better. Maybe it was the way Lance was very excited about basketball or maybe he was in need of some exercise. Soon Merlin was full of energy and he even found himself enjoying playing. He felt like he was actually a bit good and he even got a compliment from Lance which made him smile. Lance seemed a bit surprised at that. And for a good reason.

Still everything went wrong when they took a brake to mix up the players. He was in the same team as Arthur now and for a while he went with others, shouting to pass the ball to him and for the most times Arthur did and that made Merlin feel warm inside. But in about ten minutes to the game, Merlin felt his power drain fast and he couldn't find any strength to throw the ball as far as he had previously. His teammates started to make disappointed noises at him and he started to feel self-conscious again. But after a while he forgot all that when he started to feel weird… He didn't know what was this feeling. His legs were week and his head felt too clear. 'I… I can't be hard again, can I?' with this thought he dropped the ball he had just been passed on and someone near him snatched it fast.

Merlin really wanted to check his crotch but he couldn't touch it here to make sure, he couldn't even look at it. 'I can't let anyone see… I have to get out!' He dropped onto his knees and curled into a ball. 'How can I get out of here…?' He knew he would catch attention soon like this in a middle of a game so he tried to think a way out but he found none. Soon he felt Lances hand on his shoulder. "Merlin? Can you hear me? Are you hurting somewhere?" Merlin didn't know what to do but nod so he did. "Is it your stomach? Have you eaten something strange?" Merlin jumped to that and nodded again. "I'll take you to sit down for a bit..." Lances voice was kind and Merlin didn't even mind his hand around his shoulders as Lance escorted him to the locker rooms.

Merlin tried to walk in a hunched form and kept his hands around his waist as low as he could to cover himself and when Lance opened the door that led to the changing room, Merlin quickly sat down on a bench crossing his legs and lovering his upper body against his legs. Lance sat next to him. "Merlin, is everything alright? You seem to have lot of incidents in my class and I worry about you and your health. Is there anything I can do?" He asked with a worried tone.

Merlin felt bad for making him worry. He desperately wanted to explain that to Lance and he remembered the disappointment in his voice last time he asked the same question and Merlin found himself relieved that Lance still was worried about him. "It's just a coincidence. I just ate something bad…" He tried to follow the story Lance had practically given him. But Lance just frowned "I'm not just talking about today. You have been tired and not feeling well many times. I have seen you when you are fit and the contrast is too big for me to ignore." Merlin knew he was right. He knew exactly what times Lance meant. For a moment he felt like he should tell Lance everything. But the moment passed quickly and left Merlin feel scared he almost let his secret out.

"I… sometimes I don't sleep too well… and- and after that I sometimes feel a bit… bad." He couldn't say anything else. He was so tired of lying but he had no more truth to tell. Lance seemed to perk up a bit now that he got something out from Merlin. "Is there some reason why you are not sleeping well?" There was a moment of silence. They could hear the basketball game through the door. Merlin didn't know what to do "Lance, please, I don't have any answer for you and- and.. I'm sorry that I yelled you before… and even when I confronted you about Gwen… I don't really think you are that kind of person… I- I'm sorry." This clearly took Lance out of guard and he just stared Merlin for a moment. "It's alright… You did have rightful concerns and I cannot blame you for that."

Merlin rose just enough to look him in the eyes and said "Just this time… can I ask you a favour? Let me go this time. I promise everything is fine and I will sleep more… so…" He had to turn his gaze again and he heard Lance sigh. "Alright. You can go now. Take some time to feel better and I'll see you in next class. But promise me that if you have any trouble you will tell about them to someone. And remember I'm here for you. As your teacher but I guess, also as your friend." Merlin felt warm hearing this and if he could have risen from his position he would have hugged him. God knew he needed a hug now… "Thanks. I will." Lance smiled at him and stood to go back to his class.

When the door closed behind him. Merlin ran to bathroom and locked the door. He slowly turned his eyes toward his crotch and he let go his breath he had been holding with relieve. He wasn't hard… But still it made him nervous that he couldn't tell… His body was out of control and now he couldn't even tell when-

Suddenly the bathroom felt too small and he decided that he wanted out. He changed fast and left his stuff to Arthurs locker hoping he would take care of them until Merlin came back. He really didn't want to test if their class mates would rummage trough them if Merlin wasn't here the second the class ended. With that thought he left. He walked out of the school and out of it's premises. He walked fast until he didn't see the school anymore.

* * *

The area around their school was a nice hood. Small two story buildings were lined up on both sides of curvy roads and they all looked different. There were some small shops and a park nearby. Merlin felt really hungry now so he decided to enter one of the small shops which seemed to sell at least something to eat.

The shop was a small grocery store with a small desk filled with fruits and veggies and a shelf filled with few different breads and other stuff. The majority of this small shop was still selling candies and alcohol and take away snacks.

"How can I help you?" Merlin turned to see a young man with an apron behind the counter smiling at him brightly. He had curly brown hair, some beard and a carefree look. He was very handsome. "I- I'll take this…" Merlin grabbed one of the candy bars and an apple "And one beer please." The beer was an impulse and for a moment he wasn't sure if the man behind the counter would sell it to him.

"Just choose which one and hand it over." He said and smiled now looking amused. Merlin handed him the apple and the candy bar and turned to choose the beer from a tall fridge filled with various drinks. He had no idea about different brands so he just took the one with nicest etiquette. "It will be 3 and 75." The man told him and Merlin took his card from his pocket clad he had it with him and not in his bag. The man took it and put all of his stuff with a recipe into a small plastic bag.

"Thank you." Merlin said to him when he handed him the bag. "Any time." The man replied brightly if still looking a bit amused which was a little unnerving for Merlin. He left and tried to shake the feeling of wrongness from his shoulders. He wandered around for a while and finally to a park. He sat on one edge under a tree and ate. He felt a bit better after that and more connected to his body. He put the remaining of the apple in the plastic bag and stared at the beer. He was quite sure that the man in the shop had known he was minor and still sold it to him. Merlin couldn't take it home with him for he had left his bag to school so he had no other choice but to open it.

It opened with a hiss and he took a long sip. It wasn't good. Not in any way. It was bitter and tasted weird. Merlin took another sip. He soon felt a bit warmer and when he drank some more, relaxed. He knew it was not wise to drink away his depression. He had seen it many times. In small villages there was always an alcoholic or few and their village had not been an exception. Merlin remembered old Stanley who lived near the woods. He was always with a bottle and those rare times Merlin saw him outside of the tavern he remembered he smelled horrible. He was always grumpy and the only times when he was not, he was crying. Merlin wondered what had been his reason to drink. Had something horrible happened to him and would he himself become like old Stanley if he started to drink now?

He looked at his beer and took another sip. Right now, he didn't care much.

The beer traveled to his head fast. He was light and had never drank. He had no idea how much time he had before the bell would ring so he kept drinking quite quickly. He found himself smiling at many things. He found trees nice, clouds fascinating and some playing children adorable. It felt good. 'Maybe I could drink just sometimes… not very often…' he thought. Maybe just when it felt like too much or when he could be alone like this. Well, at least _that_ wasn't very often….

He gulped last of the beer down. The taste wasn't so bad anymore… He let himself lay on the ground for a while just watching clouds. The ground was cold and hard and he knew he had to leave soon. He burped and tasted the beer again. He realised that he would have to hide the smell somehow or Uther would… he didn't even dare to think what. And his mother and Arthur… Merlin rose up and headed back to the store he had bought the beer from. When he stepped into the store he didn't see the clerk. He looked around but he was nowhere to be seen.

"Something else for you?" Merlin spun around and saw the man rise from behind the counter. So thats why he hadn't seen him the first time, he had been laying behind the counter, probably napping. That surprices Merlin and for a moment he could just stared at the man. "Hey! Don't look at me like that! You are the only one that have come here at this time of a day for ages!" He defended himself raising his arms in mock surrender. Merlin found it hard not to smile. "Can I have some gum? and um, can you take this?" He asked and put the empty can to the counter. The man smiled at him and laughed. "You should at least pretend to be on age if you want to buy beer, you know." Merlin was taken back for a moment but he couldn't be alarmed for long when the man was smiling like that.

"So, some strong mint for you then. I don't think we will want your parents getting a sniff of this." he winked and took a package of extra refreshing mint gum from the shelf behind him. "And from experience, brush your teeth and eat something smelly when you get home." There was humour and amusement in his tone that Merlin found hard not to like.

"Thank you… how much is it?" He asked but the man just wave his hand. It's .50, but I don't take card for sums under 2, so pay it next time you come by. "What if I never come back?" Merlin asked smiling knowing he would come at the first chance he got. "Then you have just made my meek income 50 cents smaller." the man said leaning to the counter. Merlin had to laugh. "So, kid, want to tell me your name?" Merlin hesitated for a moment but saw no harm on telling this man. He seemed nice and for some reason… worth of trust? Even Merlin didn't feel paranoid in this empty small place.

"I'm Merlin." He replied "Gwaine." the man said and offered his hand. Merlin shook it and he felt warm. He wasn't sure if it was because of the beer or because no-one rarely paid attention to him like this. Either way he liked this Gwaine character. "See you around, Merlin!" Gwaine told after him when he left. Merlin had seen a clock in the store and he knew now that he had 15 minutes to get back to school so he walked slowly and chewed gum as he went. The gum was so strong it almost hurt but he still stuck four pieces into his mouth and only threw them into a bin when he was back at school grounds.

* * *

The bell rang soon after that and he found his way back to the locker rooms. He zigzagged his way to Arthurs locker and took his bags just when Arthur came back from showers. Merlin tried not to look Arthurs bare chest too much, but not caring about that quite as much as he remembered that he usually did. "Merlin! Where did you disappear to?" Arthur asked as soon as he saw Merlin "I had a bit of a stomach ache and I went to see the nurse. I'm better now." Arthur seemed a bit worried so he tried to lighten the mood "Must have been the green slime we vegetarians had to suffer today at lunch."

Arthur relaxed but not entirely. It hurt Merlin to see Arthur feeling worried just because he was afraid he had a hard on so he continued "Thanks for not throwing my stuff out." with some humour. Arthur brightened a bit "I nearly did, you have any idea how hard it was to fish my towel under all of your stuff?" Merlin looked at him up and down once. One had to use the change when offered one. "No, because you are using my towel." This made Arthur blush, which made Merlin grin like a mad man.

"Well it was so hard that I had to use yours. It was closer…" Arthur mumbled, not very convincing and definitely not looking at Merlin. "Sure it was…" Merlin saw an opening and he was in a good mood. Maybe in a too good mood because of the beer. "Merlin, shut up." Arthur just said. Merlin grinned as Arthur turned to take his own stuff and threw Merlins bag and gym bag next to Merlin with too much force. Merlin was about to comment but realised just on time that it might not be the best of ideas. He _was_ drunk…

"I'll go now…" He said instead and turned to leave to meet Uther. He didn't want to, but he couldn't just sit there and wait Arthur to start dressing. That would definitely be suspicious. "See you at home." Arthur said to him apparently all the previous stuff forgotten. Merlin sighed to himself. Arthur really was something… He never failed to make Merlin feel better. He really could live with just this. Just Arthur, being Arthur nearby.

Arthur felt strange. He had been focusing on Merlins absence for the most of the class. He had been worried and he nearly had stopped everything just to go to Merlin. When Lance had come back he had immediately asked him how Merlin was not caring how it looked like. When Lance had told him Merlin would be resting for a while Arthur had expected him to come back all class. When he had seen Merlins stuff in his locker Arthur had been really anxious. Where could Merlin be? And how was he? Arthur had taken Merlins towel on an impulse and when he had seen Merlin, he had felt like a rock had fallen from his heart. Merlin seemed fine and seeing him in good spirits made Arthurs world a bit brighter place to be, but he left too soon. Arthur would have wanted to talk with Merlin even a little bit more…

Arthur put on his football clothes and was about to fold his towel back to his locker when he stopped, realising that it was actually Merlins. He quickly made sure he was alone and sniffed the towel. It wasn't unused so it smelled a bit like Merlin in the corners he hadn't used himself. Arthur blushed. He threw the towel into his locker.

This was getting out of hand. He liked Merlin. A lot. His whole life he had been listening how gays are dirty and anything but acceptable in his home. He felt cold sweat in his forehead. Was he really gay? Or was it just Merlin? He made a lot of fun about how Merlin seemed like a girl but seriously he knew Merlin was nothing like a girl.

Arthur slapped his cheeks. He couldn't think this now. He had to concentrate. He was the captain. This much he knew. He liked Merlin too much for his own good and he had to think about this as soon as he was alone. With that he jogged to the gym and turned his brain to a football gear.

Merlin sat in Uthers car trying to breathe to any direction that wasn't near Uther. Uther did grope his ass a bit but not too much. Merlin had found a new pattern here. Uther wouldn't touch him so much after he had taken him last night. He wan't sure what to think about that, but tried to at least find it a positive thing in his misery.

When they reached home, Merlin jumped off from the car and went to his room before Uther could say anything. He was a bit hungry, but he would rather wait than face Uther. He waited for a while and thought of going to sleep. The maid had made his bed like everyday and he didn't dare to take his blanket to the couch yet. Without it, his couch didn't seem very tempting.

After standing in the middle of his room for a while staring at his couch, Merlin walked out from his room and straight to Arthurs. He closed both doors quietly and turned to face Arthurs room. It smelled nice and safe and before he knew it, he had laid himself to Arthurs freshly made bed. Arthur wouldn't be home in two and a half hours so he put his phones alarm to wake him in two hours and closed his eyes. The bed smelled like Arthur and it was warm and large and long enough for his legs. He took one corner of the beds cover to cover his legs and fell asleep. He slept better that in days and saw pleasant dreams about clouds moving slowly in the sky.

* * *

Arthur was in his car driving home. He had a lot to think. For a long time already Arthur had labeled his crush on Merlin a harmless thing that mostly just brought some happiness and motivation to his every day life, but now he had to look truth in the eye and stop kidding himself. This wasn't just a phase. He felt want and he felt worry. Not just that kind of worry that something had happened or that Merlin seemed unhealthy, but worry of Merlin when he was a bit tired or even just not where Arthur could see him. Even if there was nothing to really be worried about, Arthur felt like Merlin being in pain or sick hurt him a bit too.

And then there was jealously. Arthur had been jealous of Gwen, for being closer to Merlin than him and Vivian, _Vivian_! for getting a Christmas present from Merlin. Seriously! Arthur had been so sure that he wouldn't develop this kind of feelings anytime soon and wanting to kiss Merlin and- and sniffing his stuff certainly hadn't been on his list of possible happenings in his life. When had he become like this?

The answer was of course, quite a while ago. He wouldn't deny it anymore. It hadn't even been just because Merlin was his friend and nearby, Arthur could tell now that he was being honest with himself, that he had admired some good looking guys in the past and found many girls pretty, but he just hadn't thought anything of it. He hadn't been interested in dating or physical contact after all. But now there was Merlin. And Arthur had been looking at him like that a lot longer than he cared to admit to even himself. This should have alarmed him, but the more Arthur thought about it, the more he felt relief. He was starting to understand himself better and when he admitted to himself that he really had the same kind of feelings for Merlin that other boys had for girls, he felt that he wasn't in fact as different from the rest of them that he had thought. Yes, he wasn't the same they where because Merlin was also a boy, but the feeling was fundamentally the same.

And his father had been wrong. Something Arthur had known most of his life, but hadn't had anything he could single out from his fathers manners and opinions. He knew that being gay wasn't anything too horrible and now he could very well tell that his fathers prejudices weren't true. He wasn't girly and he didn't feel sudden urge to dress in flashy clothes. He wasn't some sex-crazed pervert nor was he dangerous to children and what not 'facts' his father had sprouted in Arthurs presence.

He also knew that many of his school thought that gays were ok, some (mainly girls) even romanticised the whole thing. Like being gay was this centuries Romeo and Juliet… Forbidden pure love, blah, blah… But the bottom line was, he now felt that he didn't have to find himself from either of those categories. Admitting to himself that he might not be straight didn't mean that he had to find himself from the stereotypes. It just meant that he was attracted to another male. Arthur knew who he was and liking Merlin hadn't changed his personality. He wouldn't let his fathers opinions hurt him nor let the views of his clasmates affect him. He would be what he was and no-one had to find out about it right? He also found girls attractive, so he would grow out of this crush on Merlin eventually and date a girl, right? Right… Arthur was a romantic deep down and he felt strongly for the first love thing.

When he drove to the garage, Arthur had to collect himself for a while. He leaned his forehead to the staring wheel and closed his eyes. He seriously liked Merlin. He wanted to see him smile, he wanted to touch his hair, he wanted to kiss him, he worried about him… It wasn't just that he had found out that he was gay or bi or whatever. He liked _Merlin_ , maybe even loved? The word love did feel too strong and he wondered, could one even fall in love really when they hadn't even dated? He exited the garage and made his way to his room. His father had, as usual, locked himself in his home office.

Arthur threw his bag to the floor and was about to make his way to his desk to do his homework when he still had energy to do that, but then he noticed Merlin. Sleeping on his bed.

Arthur stared at Merlin for a while. What the flying monkeys was he doing here? Arthur wasn't in the wrong room was he? 'Of course I'm not!' Arthur felt a blush form into his face as he approached Merlin. 'I have nothing to be ashamed of… this is my bed!' He sat on the edge of the bed and looked at Merlins face. He slept so peacefully… 'Maybe he really is sick?' He thought and it hurt him inside. He didn't want Merlin to be sick… or at least not like this. Alone sleeping it away in his room. He wanted to take care of Merlin, to make him feel better. He brushed some of Merlins hair gently to feel his forehead. It wasn't hot… He was about to wake Merlin up, but then an alarm rang.

Arthur jumped up and almost lost his footing. His heart razed like crazy and he felt sweat form to his forehead. Merlin didn't even stir and Arthur found his temper. "Merlin you idiot! Turn that damn thing off or leave my room right now!" He almost yelled and shook Merlin by his side. Merlin opened his eyes with a snap and for a moment he looked...scared. And what hurt Arthur, scared of him. Merlin looked him straight into his eyes and Arthur let go of him. He took a step back just to get a bit farther away from those eyes.

Then something changed and Merlin sat up. He finally turned off his alarm clock and then he again looked at Arthur now looking… almost shy? "Sorry… I was supposed to wake up before…" Arthur tried to think of a joke about Merlin really not waking to anything, but all his attempts died in his throat. He just stared. He was relieved that Merlin didn't look scared anymore, but soon what he was really staring became Merlin himself. He now had a sleepy look and his shyness and ruffled hair and some marks on his left cheek made by Arthurs bed cover made him look so cute… Arthur just wanted to hug him.

Merlins weird look brought him back to his senses. "What- what are you doing here anyway?" He tried and Merlin seemed to relax a bit. "I just wanted to sleep for a while, that's all…" Arthurs curiosity won over his uneasiness "And you couldn't sleep in your own bed because…?" Merlin frowned and Arthur couldn't figure out why. "Just wanted to try yours." Merlin said and slid out from the bed. "I'm sure you have something to do so I'll just leave now."

Arthur wanted to stop him but he didn't have any reason why… Still… "Wait! I mean would you want to check biology homework with me?" Merlin stopped and looked at him curiously (or at least Arthur felt like that) and finally said "Sure, I'll just grab my books." and with that he was out of the door and gone. Arthur sat to his bed and breathed deeply in and out.

* * *

Merlin closed the door of his room softly. He managed to get to his desk but when he was trying to find his biology books, his legs started to give in. He had to sit down and breath. He shivered and he couldn't think straight. He had woken up to yelling. For a moment he had only seen Uther. It had taken some time before he could actually see past his fears and when he saw Arthur… He had felt so empty for a moment and now he was just relieved. Where he had tensed to the unexpected touch his sleepy mind had made to be Uthers, now felt warm where Arthurs hands had been. He touched his side and re-imagined his waking up. He replaced the memory of being scared with the thought that it really had been Arthur. That he had been sleeping in Arthurs bed and that Arthur wasn't mad at him. He felt warm and he smiled. It really had been Arthur.

Merlin would have needed more time to get himself stop shivering, but he had told Arthur that he would be right back, so he took his books and took a deep breath and stood up. He would calm down eventually in Arthurs room. Studying with Arthur was something he could do. That way he could enjoy Arthurs company without fearing Uther. Studying seemed to be Uthers blind spot, if something had got anything to do with studying, it couldn't be wrong. Maybe Merlin could take some advantage of that fact this year?

Arthurs door was still open so Merlin didn't have to knock. Arthur had gathered his books and was sitting on the floor next to his couch. Merlin smiled at that. This was a whole different way of studying. And in this case different felt refreshing and welcome.

* * *

A/N Finaly, Gwaine! My favourite knigth. Now the story will really kick in! I was a bit late today with my update... I was camping for two days and I remembered about ten minutes before we left that I won't have any wifi in the middle of the forrest... Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter and see you on saturday!

And again many thanks for those who reviewed, you are my motivation and you just make me so happy :)

mersan123 Glad you liked the Lances thoughts, he has the role I have most personal experience of even if I have taught younger children (from ages 7 to 12 mostly). Merlin is now really held by the fear of Uther, that is the way it works. It's not just that it's horrible when Merlin is being hurt, but that Uther controls him with fear. In every action Merlin takes the first thought is always 'What Uther thinks of this? Can he see me? Does he know what I'm thinking?' That is why these kind of crimes are so horrible. But at least from now on we will get a bit more this kind of cute moments between Arthur and Merlin :)

Guest Wow, I'm so happy to heare that this story has not been moving forward too slowly... I kind of feared that when I first started to publish... Also very nice to hear that you enjoyed the part with Lance, I had not planned that originaly, but it was fun to write because I could went some of my own experiences from teaching to that :D I hope you will like the big reveal when its time comes, I can't wait it either!


	17. Chapter 17 - Patches of sky

Now that Hunith was again regularly spending nights out of the house, Uther had returned to his routines from last year. He took Merlin regularly and Merlin was again vomiting in regular basis. He was still holding onto his weight, but he knew that it was just barely. He counted the calories compulsively and he was mainly keeping up by adding oil into everything. He ate sandwiches with more cheese than bread at breakfast and stuffed as much food down his throat at school as he could. He wouldn't throw up anything that was eaten before school ended. Merlin had estimated that the food would stay in his stomach for about five hours and his biology books told him as much too.

Still Merlin was painfully conscious that he was trapped and that it just needed a small push from any direction and he would start to lose his balance again. He was thankful to any higher power that had prevented Uther from taking those handcuffs out, until just two and a half weeks from the first time, he did.

Hunith was again away, Arthur had been sleeping for at least two hours and Merlin himself was ready to call it a day when he heard his door lock click shut. Everything stopped for Merlin in a way that he had grown to be familiar with, but then he heard a jiggle. He shuddered violently and he didn't have to turn to know what that was. Merlin spun around with his chair to see Uther who was opening one of the cuffs and when he looked at Merlin, he felt like running away. The fear of being trapped like that again… he hadn't even done anything, right? Had he done the first time Uther had put the handcuffs on him? Melin didn't remember but it wasn't important.

Uther pulled Merlin up and clicked the handcuff shut against Merlins wrist. Merlin shut his eyes trying to shut the world from around him and pretend that he wasn't there. He felt a cold and sharp pull of the metal when Uther pulled Merlin to his bed by the handcuffs. It hurt and Merlin yelped. The panic was rising inside of him and soon Uther yanked the other cuff and locked it to one of the metal pipes of Merlins bed end.

With one hand free and Uther not on top of him, Merlin automatically curled as close to the bed post as possible to make himself small. Uther didn't say anything, but even if Merlin covered his ears, he could hear Uthers belt open and the cap of the lube pop. He hated these sounds so much… Uther couldn't take Merlins shirt off now that his hand was cuffed, but he pulled Merlins legs straight and tore his jeans off. Merlin didn't help him, but didn't fight either, he was too scared to do either.

Uther wasn't especially brutal this time and he didn't say anything to Merlin which at least was something, but Merlin could just concentrate on the feeling of being helplessly tied down. When Uther had finished and pulled out, Merlin expected him to open the cuffs, but instead he took a small key out of his pocket and placed it to Merlins night table. "Free yourself and go to sleep. I expect no more calls from your school that you have been sleeping in any of the classes." And he left.

So that's what had happened. Some teacher had called Uther. Merlin was actually mostly surprised that this was all he had gotten for sleeping in class. He hadn't even feared of Uther finding out about that and now that everything was already over, Merlin kind of just forgot the reason. It really didn't matter anymore.

What however did matter, was the key. It was on the same side than the hand that was cuffed to the bed and quite far away. Rolling to his back wasn't easy like this and it took Merlin some time to manage that. He was sore and moving hurt.

After almost dropping the key, he managed to take it from the night table. The next surprisingly hard thing was to get his hand steady enough to turn the lock. When his hand was free Merlin hugged himself in relieve. He felt so bitter and he hated these handcuffs more than anything in the world right now. He wanted to get rid of them. Now.

He managed to open the other cuff even if he was shaking even worse now. The cold feel of the metal in his hand felt like it was burning and he took off his shirt, rolled the handcuffs to it and threw it to his bin with so much force that the bin fell down.

Merlin almost threw the key away too, but he managed to remember that it could be important in the future. The same way than with the bandages, he wished he was wrong and at the same time knew that his wish was for nothing. In the end he taped the key to the bottom of his bed, near to the bed end. So he could get it out even if he was cuffed. Nobody would find it from there, hopefully. Merlin was still shaking after that, now more of cold than shock and his bottom was sticky and he smelled like Uther and sex. It was nauseating and he felt a strong need to forget. Even if just for a little while. He turned towards his desk to get the knife out.

He didn't even shower first, he thought that he would have to clean up anyway. Merlin looked at the uneven and ugly scar on his tight and he wondered if he should cut his wrist this time. Or forearm or anything that he wouldn't have to move that much or at least not walk with, but in the end he still chose his tight again. One place to hide because of a scar he couldn't explain was enough.

Merlin pressed the blade just millimetre above his scar and pressed. Not enough to brake the skin, but so much that just a small movement would. He could feel a rush of adrenalin and he felt just a bit scared in a bit excited way. He felt focused and he knew that he was the one in control now. But still... He took a while to think if this would help and if he really wanted to do this at all. He didn't like the pain and while it was different from the pain Uther caused him, it still felt horrible and possibly terrible for days. And after it was done, the control was not his anymore.

Tears of self pity filled Merlins eyes. He thought of the spring ahead of him and the key now taped to his bed. The thought hurt him physically and when he flinched, the blade cut into his skin. Sharp pain went trough Merlins body and he looked at the damage.

It was next to nothing, but the blood… that had been the first reason Merlin had done this. The blood felt clean and its smell overshadowed the smell of Uthers semen. And he already had drawn blood. Merlin wiped his eyes with back of his hand and gathered all of his anger for one clear movement. He pressed the small carving knife made for children and slid.

In the middle of the movement Merlin already knew that he had pressed too much, but his hand was already moving and there was no way to stop it. The wound came out much wider than the two previous. This frightened Merlin and his knife fell from his hand clanging against the floor. His blood was flowing too quickly and too much and Merlin felt faint and the strong smell of blood was nauseating in this small closed place. While he had felt rush of clarity the other times, now Merlin just felt bad and faint and he knew that he would feel worse soon. He had to get the bleeding to stop. Now.

Standing up didn't seem like an option so Merlin crawled on all fours careful of his leg to his room not even thinking of the open door. His goal was to get to his bed and take some bandage out, but his vision was swaying and he felt strong need to lie down on the floor. He wasn't too sure how, but he managed to remember that he needed to get his legs up. Merlin rolled himself around and threw his legs on the edge of his bed. How, he had no idea. His memory of this night would never be entirely focused.

For an indeterminate time, Merlin concentrated fully on buzz in his ears, the swaying of his room and the coldness that spread on his legs in order to not loose consciousness. He was truly afraid that the bleeding wouldn't end and that he would bleed to death like this, but eventually the buzzing lessened and the room stilled. He still felt cold in a way he had never felt before, but for now he was just happy that it didn't seem like he was dying anymore. Life really felt fragile at the moment. It felt like his life was the thinnest ice that could hold his weight like this when he was laying on the floor. If he moved or stood up, it would brake and Merlin would sink into winter cold, dark water.

After just breathing in and out few times while keeping very still, Merlin dared to open his eyes and look at the room and his leg. The room was again getting focused and he could observe things more than centimetres from his face. His leg looked horrible. The cut was long even if it was not bleeding strongly anymore, but there was so much blood all over his legs and hips and even stomach that it was hard to tell how deep the cut really was. Still Merlin could tell that it would take a lot of time to heal. The blood and his now extremely pale skin made a horrible contrast. Merlin only had his undershirt on and he wanted so much just to pull his blanket from the bed and sleep, but that didn't seem like a good idea right now. Merlin feared that if he fell asleep now, he might not wake up anymore. He needed to tend to his leg first.

Merlin moved his healthy leg out of the bed and waited if he would again feel faint. When nothing more happened than Merlin felt his blood pressure sway for a moment, he slowly started to pull his other leg from the bed with his hands. He didn't want to use the leg. After just laying on the floor for a while gathering strength and focusin on the real surroundings, Merlin managed to somehow make it to the other side of his bed and fish some bandages from under the mattress. He needed some water to clean himself, so he very slowly moved himself towards his bathroom. His vision was still clearing. In a way he felt a bit better, he didn't feel like he was dying anymore, but he was cold and thirsty and he was just starting to see the mess he had made to his floor, to his bathroom and on himself. But his first priority was still getting his would tented. He was so happy that his mother wasn't home right now. The bathroom looked horrible and Merlin knew he would see nightmares of this sight for a long time.

The shower was too strong so Merlin put the shower head on the floor and used one of the bandages as a cloth and just gently patted the wound until it had no more blood around it. To his relieve, the wound turned out not to be as deep as he had feared. He had just cut a little more than skin and he was quite sure that he would be able to walk better and faster than the first time he did this. But it was wide. More than fifteen centimetres.

While Merlin cleaned the rest of his body slowly and careful not to get his wound wet, Merlin decided that he would never cut himself again. It was too much trouble and it was just a different kind of misery for him. A way to make his rotten life even more stressful and arduous and painful. It had been a way to do _something_ , when he had nowhere to go and nothing he could do to change his life to any direction. Something to went some of his every day frustration that kept piling up, but in reality, it was more like he didn't have to be afraid of what would happen next for awhile when he was already hurting. And now he could see that. In the end that didn't sound very comforting.

After bandaging his wound, Merlin was clad that he didn't have to see what he had done to himself anymore. He managed to get his blanket and pillow alongside with couch pillows to floor without standing up and he arranged himself to the floor so his legs could be on the couch. Merlin felt so tired, but he still looked at the mess on the floor and he knew that he would have to clean that up before morning so he set his alarm to wake him up at half past three. It was barely two hours away and after dropping his alarm clock next to him, Merlin fell asleep. He had no dreams and he felt like he had just closed his eyes for a second when his alarm rang.

For a minute Merlin could just stare at the loud object next to him, but there was no choice, he slowly rose to sit and looked at the room once again to evaluate the mess. The blood had dried and it was hell to get it out of the wooden floors and even the bathroom wouldn't just get clean with just showering some water on the tiles, Merlin would have to scrub some of the dried blood by hand.

It took Merlin two hours to get the place clean enough that he could hope that their cleaning lady wouldn't find anything suspicious. Merlin could check his bathroom when he got home from school again, she wouldn't clean bathrooms today.

Merlin still felt weak, he got out of breath from just walking and his head felt somewhat light, but he was happy how much better he felt compared to the night. He drank some water while he worked and after a while he remembered the honey he had hidden in his closet. That helped tremendously. After Merlin had circled his room twice in search of stains while spooning honey into his mouth, he still had some time, so Merlin set his alarm again to the time he normally woke up and pulled himself to his couch. It felt so comfortable and so warm that it was almost blissful.

Merlin woke up feeling better and even if he could still remember vividly how scared he had been and how bad he had felt, he still found himself being in a relatively good mood. He had survived the night so could take this day and he still had two days plus weekend before PE, so he wouldn't even have to survive that right now.

Arthur asked Merlin if he looked a bit pale on the way to school, but Merlin just blamed the weather and Arthur didn't ask again. Lying was so easy nowadays. If only he could have another beer that would be great…

* * *

The school went ok and when Merlins mother came back home on friday, Merlins weekend was saved. But when he had to watch his mother go on sunday, Merlin couldn't see anything good in his near future and he sank to desperation, fast. The start of the week was horrible as ever. Uther had made Merlin suck him off the previous night and Merlin felt burn in his throat and his stomach empty and his leg ached and the wound had inflated and red on the edges.

It wasn't any surprise than in PE Merlin just gave up. He played bored and uninterested and he hoped that way it wouldn't show how his leg wasn't alright and how tired he really was. Lance tried to encourage Merlin to play football several times, but Merlin pretended that he didn't hear or didn't want to. Finally Lance practically showed him into the game and Merlin made his best effort to play or at least stay at the other side of the field than Lance so he couldn't do that again.

Uther touched Merlin in his car and when Arthur left to 'work on a school project' for tuesday afternoon, he took Merlin in broad daylight. When Arthur came home in the evening, Merlin hadn't eaten dinner and Uther had let him get away with it without a comment. Not even Arthurs presence could cheer Merlin up and he felt that the world was slowly turning gray again. He could just try and hang in there and nod at Arthurs story of what they had done with his friends feeling his body ache and his very core disgusting until he could lie that he was tired and would go to sleep.

He didn't even think of himself as that depressed, but the feeling that he was again sinking to the same place he had been last year and the fear that he would have to do this again and again for at least until he was eighteen, made it feel insurmountable. Even if in theory Merlin could have gone to sleep when Uther had already been in his room today, Merlin couldn't. He lied on his couch for a long time without changing for the night feeling miserable before finally around midnight he decided that enough was enough.

* * *

When he woke up to wednesday morning, it felt to Merlin that the world was rolling by without him perfectly well. The day went in a fog and even Gwen let him be when both she and Vivian had failed to get a reaction out of him. Merlin hadn't done his homework but he bluffed his way out of it rather than actually doing them in between his classes. He didn't even feel like a human anymore. There was nothing in him and nothing he could do with himself. Being vegetarian was the only thing that Uther or the school hadn't pushed him to be or do and that wasn't nearly enough today. His leg didn't hurt that much anymore and actually the scar would probably turn out better than the previous ones so even that didn't offer him any distraction and he didn't want to cut himself a new wound anymore. He had decided.

After four agonising hours trying to avoid everyone and everything Merlin was about to collapse. He couldn't take it anymore. He had to get out. Having just two boring hours of history before he would have to see Uther again, felling his touch in his car and then going home where he would have to be alone with Uther… He just couldn't take it.

While Merlin had just stopped in the middle of the hallway leading to the final class of the day, Arthur passed him with that guy with nice looking hair (whose name Merlin always forgot) from the football team, laughing at something. "Arthur!" He yelled suddenly making more sound than he had made today all put together and jogged towards Arthur. He hoped no-one could hear the desperation in his voice.

Arthur turned around and stayed put, waving his mate to go ahead. "What is it Merlin?" He asked him nothing but mild curiosity in his voice. Merlin stopped before him slightly bent forward, panting a bit from the short spurt he had made. He _had_ to get out. "Will you cover for me in history?" He blurted out, feeling out of breath. He didn't know how he sounded, but if Arthur would ask questions, if he wouldn't help him now, he knew he would just brake into a million pieces right here and right now. He would collapse in the middle of the hallway and everything would be over. He had no energy nor will to try more. He was spent and he couldn't find himself to care.

Arthur looked surprised. Merlin felt that small amount of strength that was keeping him standing slowly drain. He was ready to hear Arthurs 'no' for a reply and then collapse to the floor. He would just curl into a ball and maybe scream. Or cry. Or both. He would stay on the floor until some teacher was alerted and even then he wouldn't move if not carried.

"Ok…" Arthur sounded a bit hesitant but with this simple agreement Merlin felt himself being pulled out of his way to a mental breakdown. Arthur still looked hesitant when Merlin snapped his eyes to look at him, but he knew he could trust Arthurs word. "He never notices anything anyway, so I'll just write your name in the attendance list. But if it fails you are on your own." Arthur continued with much surer tone.

Merlin felt energy rush into his veins once more. He could get out… "Thank you!" He laughed briefly and turned around to get out of the school as fast as he could. "I own you one!" He shouted to Arthur while jogging to another direction. Arthur could just look after him. He knew this wasn't wise but he couldn't say no to Merlin. And his smile had seemed so… relieved?

Arthur found himself thinking that smiling face many times in the following class. It wasn't one of those smiles that made Arthur feel warm and happy inside. It was far too relieved and with the context, it seemed misplaced.

As expected, Geofrey didn't notice anything and Merlin was safe.

* * *

Merlin walked out from the school his head held high and feeling good. In a way he wasn't sure if he was clad or not that his secret was safe but he kept walking. By the time he couldn't see the school anymore, Merlin started to feel stupid for being so weak to even consider of collapsing in the middle of the school. How embarrassing that would have been? And what kind of price would there to be paid for that? But he was so clad to be outside that he didn't dwell on that for very long. The air was clear and he could go anywhere.

He walked straight to the store Gwaine worked. He wanted to pay for the gum and he would also buy another beer. At the moment he didn't care if it was legal or not and if he could get it there, he would.

Gwaine was nowhere to be seen again when Merlin stepped to the store. 'What if I would just steal something, would he even notice?' He thought just when Gwaine appeared from behind a sliding door Merlin hadn't paid any attention to before. "Oh, hi Merlin. Cutting class again?" He sounded cheerful so Merlin wasn't exactly scared, but he took an unconscious step backwards. Was he that easy to read? And knowing he should be in the classroom listening to something he had read ten times already somehow felt different than hearing the words 'cutting class' said to his face. He had never done anything like this and he felt sudden shame. "How…?" He tried to ask which made Gwaine laugh.

Merlin must have looked like a living question mark because Gwaine answered to him "I have lived around here all my life and I know you don't live nearby." He was now leaning to the shelf lazily looking amused. "You probably go to that fancy-pansy school just around the corner." Gwaine made a pointed look and Merlin remembered his pack bag. "It's only just after lunch time so it's not very hard to figure out." Merlin felt uncomfortable. He didn't know what to do… Gwaine even knew his name… would he tell the school? He would be in a real trouble then.

But Gwaine just kept smiling. "So, you in here for another beer or just to see me?" He grinned and Merlin felt like running now. He felt stupid and he just started to understand what the consequences would be if he would be caught on this. His mother would be angry, even Arthur and Gwen would probably be mad at him if they knew about the beer… he had even made Arthur cover for him. And Uther… Merlin couldn't even think about it.

Gwaine must have seen the fear in his eyes because he quickly told him "Hey don't worry! It's not like I would tell anyone. Think about it, my balls would be the ones in the line for selling to you!" Merlin looked at him and he instantly felt relaxed with his reasoning. Gwaine looked sincere and something about him just was very likeable. "I don't usually do this…" Merlin wasn't scared anymore but he still felt the shame and he had a sudden need to explain himself. "I can see that." Gwaine said and started to move some boxes from behind his counter and started to fill a shelf with some candies and cigarettes.

Merlin shifted his weight from a foot to another. He wasn't sure of what to do. He had come here to buy himself a beer and to meet Gwaine again. He liked him and now he felt like he wanted Gwaine to like him too… but would he just be disappointed if Merlin bought a beer again or did it even matter? Merlin was just some child from nearby school anyway…

Gwaine put the last box away and turned to lean on his counter and faced Merlin again. He sighed "Look, I know I have a habit of sticking my feet in my mouth… I really am not going to judge you. I was way worse on your age and seriously you seem much smatter than I will ever be." He smiled again and winked. Merlin had to admit that he was a good looking man especially when he smiled. "Basically what I was trying to say is that I won't tattle on you if you are not going to tattle about me." He grinned again "So lets keep this our little secret shall we?"

Merlin was fully relaxed now but something in a word 'secret' rubbed him the wrong way. He had too many of them already… "I don't like secrets very much…" His comment made Gwaine laugh again and Merlin felt a bit pleased with himself. "Alright, lets make a deal then: I will pretend that I think you are not a minor and you will in exchange only buy alcohol from me. Deal?"

Merlin had to smile at that. This kind of deal he could live with and he felt like Gwaine had given him a permission to buy more beer. That and he really didn't hold his cutting class against him… He really was a likeable character. "Deal." Merlin said and shook Gwaines outstretched hand. He then chose a sandwich Gwaine recommended ("made it myself with my amazing sandwich making skills!") one beer and some gum.

When Merlin left, Gwaine sighed to himself. 'My morals are awful.' He wasn't exactly sure about this whole letting a minor buy alcohol from him. 'I could have told him it was just a one time thing, hell, I cold have just told him I didn't know he was a minor before he came the second time…' But there was something about Merlin. Like he really needed some rebellion in his life. And Gwaine was always one for a little bit of rebellion 'I guess it's better if he only comes here… then I can keep an eye on him'

Gwaine wasn't the one to trust authorities too much. He could see Merlin had some kind of problem and he was fairly sure it wouldn't be solved if he marched to his old school and let some dusty teacher punish him for cutting class and drinking. In his experience they would leave it at that and never ask why he had done what he had done in the first place. To Gwaine Merlin didn't seem to be this typical teenager who just wanted to drink and party for the fun of it (like Gwaine had been at his age). He also knew it wasn't his business or problem, but this was his weakness, he didn't like to leave things just be.

And besides, something about Merlin made Gwaine like him. He felt that they would get along in the future. Gwaine shook his head in an amused disbelieve. 'Great, now I'm making friends with kids… I'm getting old.' With that thought he lied down behind the counter, took his pillow from where he usually hid it behind one of the boxes, started to eat jelly beans and continued his comic book he had been reading earlier in the morning.

* * *

Merlin was walking aimlessly again. He had gone to the park, but there was some group of children and it was too noisy. He also felt like one of the ladies with the children had looked at him strangely and Merlin had to get out of their sight before paranoia took hold of him. He was scared enough that someone would notice he wasn't where he was supposed to be and his shame was too strong. Could strangers see what the people who were constantly around him didn't? Could they tell that there was something off with him, what he had been doing at nights? He again started to feel tired. Tired and ashamed with himself. He wanted to find someplace quiet and hide there. Somewhere where no-one could see him…

While walking, Merlin noted that on his right side there was a stone wall about one meter in height. There were thick bushes on the other side. Merlin walked to the wall and looked to the other side. There were tall bushes that were thick on the ends in a way that made it hard to see through them even now when there was no leaves, but on the ground level there was plenty of space. Actually the ground was lover on the other side of the wall and after the bushes it continued to be someones garden.

Merlin put the plastic bag he had his sandwich into his bag and climbed to the wall. He found one spot where the branches didn't quite reach to the wall and lowered himself as low as he could while hanging on the wall with only his hands. Then he let go and landed almost unharmed to the ground. The ground was only about two and half meters from the top of the wall but some branches screeched Merlin and made him stumble to the ground. When he looked up, he saw a hole and a broken branch. He must have broken it and he kind of felt the place in his lower back where it had hit.

Merlin looked around. The place was nice. Like those bushes he and Will used to make play shelters when they were little. Only this one was bigger than those bushes so there was plenty of room for his long limbs. The bushes were long and wide. The wall was about fifteen meters long and the bushes went all the way to the end. There was at least three rows of the bushes and together they made about two meters wide hall of long thin branches braking into hundreds of smaller ones on the ends. Merlin couldn't stand there straight but it was close. Also the bushes were so thick that it was shadowy and Merlin couldn't really see well to the house just about five meters from where the bushes ended. He could tell that it was a two story building and that there were two doors so maybe two families lived in this building? He hoped they were all in school and work right now.

Merlin searched a good place to sit and eat with his eyes and he found that there was a corner of the wall to his left. He crawled to the corner where the garden obviously ended. The wall continued on the both edges of the garden and Merlin found the corner perfect. No one could see him from the street unless they looked directly down from the wall nor from the garden if they didn't happen to crawl under the bushes. 'This will be even better place to hide when there are leaves…' He thought and relaxed. He took his sandwich and beer from his bag and sat on it. He rested his back to the wall not caring how cold it was. He looked at the sky throughout the branches and started to eat his sandwich. It was chicken and some spicy sauce and it was good… He had to remember to compliment Gwaine the next time he went to his store.

When he was half way throughout his sandwich, Merlin opened his beer. They went well together. Merlin was sure Gwaine had known this. The beer didn't taste as bitter as it had the last time and after a while Merlin didn't think anything. Inside his head was quiet and calm. The beer made him warm inside and he just watched the sky from his corner. It was his quiet place now and all his problems were outside. He knew he was near the school but he felt that if he didn't come out, no-one would find him. He had the decision to leave or stay here and that thought alone gave him strength and a sense of calmness he had so desperately been graving for.

The beer and food didn't keep him warm for long. It was still too early for spring and the stone wall didn't make this place any warmer. Merlin wrapped himself to his jacket and didn't lean to the wall anymore. He mentally made a note to bring a warmer jacket and a scarf next time.

Next time… How often could he come here? Could he come every week? Or should he save it just for when he couldn't take it anymore? But even if he was cold, he knew that he would want to come here everyday. He knew he couldn't cut class too often… He felt nervous just imagining it. He would have to risk his mother knowing and Arthur… how many times would he cover for him without any explanation? There was also only so many teachers who wouldn't notice if Merlin was precent or not. Basically his only option was wednesday. The only other teacher Merlin could try to fool was his music teacher who would probably notice, but wouldn't care, but her class was first thing in friday mornings and there was no way Merlin could go back to a whole school day drunk. And not attending would sow in his grade and Merlin couldn't have that. Uther would be pissed if any of Merlins grades would drop.

Merlin shivered. His hands were freezing and he curled into his jacket even more and pulled his legs to his cheats. Arthur… He closed his eyes for a moment and imagined Arthur sitting next to him, wrapping his arms around Merlins cold thin frame making him warm… He let out a fast breath, almost like a sob, and held onto the image for a while.

When he opened his eyes again, seeing the branches and nothing else, he felt so alone… He hugged his knees and buried his face to his knees. He wouldn't cry. He had promised to himself that he would just love Arthur. He didn't need anything else than to be there for Arthur. He would be happy if he could spent the rest of his life just being his friend. He would be there and Arthur would never even suspect that he was anything else than best friend to Merlin. Merlin would do that, but he also knew there would be more moments like this when it felt hard and sad and lonely and cold.

He breathed in and out couple of times to keep himself calm and get the strength to leave this corner. It was the time to leave if he didn't want to be late. He leaned to the cold wall for one last time and looked at the sky. He would come back here. That much he could promise himself. With that he moved.

He couldn't climb back where he came from, so he walked his head low and knees bended couple of meters to about a middle of the bushes and found one place the bush weren't so thick and crawled to the garden. He felt out of place the second he was outside in the open and he quickly glanced to every direction for anyone who might see him. When he saw no-one, he jogged to the buildings end and to his relieve saw a road on the other side of the house. He quickly slipped to the road. He was safe.

Merlin took a couple of wrong turns before he found a road he knew but he still managed to be in the school yard when the bell rang. He took a shortcut across the football field straight to the parking lot for he didn't really want to face Arthur now. His loneliness had turned to embarrassment. He really couldn't see Arthur now that he had made him lie for him just so he could get out to drink and fantasise about him… At this point Merlin had completely forgotten how broken he had felt previously and he felt a bit stupid for making such a scene out of it.

Uthers car was waiting him as always. Merlin didn't look at him or say anything and just nodded when Uther asked some things about school. When he had nodded to yet another question of 'is subject x going well' Uther seemed finally pleased and put his hand on Merlin thigh. "I am pleased that you are doing well, I expect nothing less from my sons." He said and kept stroking his leg up and down.

Merlin felt dirty. The word 'son' had never been directed to him before and it made his reality feel even more definitive. Uthers hand felt hot to his cold limbs and it actual made Merlin hate the warmth. He wanted to be cold and alone and back in the garden… He concentrated on thinking of the patches of sky he had seen trough the branches and eventually, Uther removed his hand.

* * *

A/N Hello! I have a question for you. From this point on the next few chapters are chapters I actually started with plotwise, so, we get a lot of Arthur and Merlin, but mostly everything that they don't see, I have not written. So, is anyone interested in the developement of Gwens and Lances relationship? Because otherwise it will be just kind of mentioned. If you are intersted, I can write some moments and add them among the story. Just let me know.

Have a nice weekend!

And huge thank you for you who have taken some of your precious time to write a review! I am super excited to hear what you think now that the plot is really moving. You are awesome!

mersan123 Again, I am so grateful that you have kept writing your comments to me and I seriously am very interested of what you think of the story :) You write exelent reviews and I love how you make comments on many scenes. Thank you so much for sticking with my story! I laughed when I read your comment of how it's hard to know with Gwaine if he is here to help or get Merln drunk :D We will see... we will see... ;)

Angel Dove1 No worries, Gwain is one of my lead characters (have him listed in the summary too) and he will make a lot of appearance :) (Thats why we write fanfiction, we can use the characters we liked the most! Oh the power...) I'm glad that you liked the way I put him in the story!


	18. Chapter 18 - Gaius

The corner became safe haven for Merlin. It was the high point of his week when he could leave the school, go to see Gwaine, talk to him for awhile, get his beer and spend a bit over an hour in the corner leaning to the stone wall in some strangers garden. He had come to terms with skipping school, he even enjoyed the rebellious feeling he got now. The school seemed to be a place where he was appreciated only if he did what he was told and when he didn't fall in the category of normal, he couldn't help but feel the school a cold meaningless place which couldn't help him. It was the same as his 'home' really even if he wasn't so scared there.

Merlin had lost his interest in knowing things. He studied less and thought more the sky he saw through the branches. Arthur had continued to cover for him which Merlin was more thankful he could ever tell Arthur. He didn't dare to go every week… He didn't want to burden Arthur too much and he had to go to class now and then if he wanted to even pretend he cared.

But not going out was hard. It was like weekend canceled for normal teenager if he couldn't go. Merlin kept going with a thought of getting out the first days of week and kept hoping it was already next week the rest of the time. Sometimes when Uther hadn't come to his room for the night previously he had the strength to follow Arthur to history and shallow his disappointment of having to wait another week. But when Uther took him, or even just touched him the night previously, Merlin found that he couldn't stand being still anymore. He had to go out, he had to get a beer and just forget for a second. He knew he was addicted and it vaguely concerned him even thought he wasn't so sure if it was more the corner or the alone time or the alcohol he was addicted to. And seriously how did it matter anyway?

Merlins weight had gone up a bit. He had better appetite and the beer and sandwiches he ate in the bushes helped him to gain some weight. That too gave him more energy and he was feeling better nowadays. Some days he even helped Arthur to plan his football practices in the garden without feeling tired. His school work was falling behind bit by bit, but he wasn't too much behind so he didn't really care and mostly he was still in the top five students even if he only did the bare minimum. The only subject in the danger zone was history. He hadn't been in too many classes lately after all… and this years history book had been one of the first Merlin had used last year to distract himself, so it had been a while since he had read it.

Arthur seemed happy to see Merlin outside and gaining a bit weight and that too made Merlin happy. Like this, he could take Uther fucking him at night. But still Uther was his black cloud looming behind him in every action he did. He never knew when Uther would take those handcuffs that Merlin had become to fear more than anything. Handcufs and everything new. Uther was unpredictable and that kept Merlin on his toes all the time.

And when he was not afraid, his quilt ate him from the inside. Like he didn't deserve to be this happy. He imagined every time he was sitting in his corner of the wall that Arthur sat besides him and kept him company. He wanted to talk to someone, but there was no-one he could talk to. His want to tell Gwen of his sexuality was completely gone and while he had thought of telling Gwaine a couple of times, he didn't dare to. He wasn't sure if Gwaine cared about him enough to actually listen and while Merlin sometimes felt that maybe Gwaine wouldn't judge him (he seemed quite liberal person) he couldn't be sure, so he stayed quiet. He still enjoyed Gwaines company and he often thought of what he could talk to him about during the week.

Arthur had seen the change in Merlin. After Merlin had started to skip history, he had seemed like he had more life in him. Arthur of course enjoyed the change, but he couldn't stop himself from wondering _what_ had made the change. First he had thought that Merlin could just enjoy being outside of home other than school, but soon it didn't seem to fit somehow. Arthur had never been too good at figuring out things like this and he had never had much interest in finding out what people were doing other than they told him straight, but this was Merlin. He had heard some of his friends talk about how Lee had turned annoying when he had gotten himself a girlfriend. (A shy girl who saw something in his somewhat outgoing but lazy team mate that obviously nobody else saw) Arthur had to wonder, did Merlin have someone he liked now? Could it be that he went out to meet someone?

After that thought he had noticed that sometimes Merlin seemed to laugh or smile at something that no-one else got and when Arthur had asked him once, Merlin had just brushed it of as something that 'someone' had said. Arthur wasn't happy to hear that. In a way he knew it would be better if Merlin would find himself a girlfriend so he himself could give up on him, but somehow it didn't seem to work that logically. He didn't like that Merlin didn't tell him who this 'someone' was and he didn't like the idea of Merlin having a girlfriend. He didn't like that Merlin went without him to do something he didn't even care to tell what it was while Arthur wrote his name on histories attendance list and pretended to do every pair work with him while he wasn't even there. Wednesdays sucked in Arthurs opinion.

* * *

The spring was getting there. There was already warmth in the sun and some brave leaves had started to sprout. Arthur actually left his jacket in his car one morning because the parking lot was so warm. It was wednesday and Merlin seemed, again, overly excited. "Skipping history again, Merlin?" He said without humour while they walked. His comment made Merlins smile drop and Arthur almost regretted that he had said anything. Almost.

"Sorry… I know you have been doing me a favour and I'm thankful…" Merlin kept his eyes on the asphalt and _now_ Arthur regretted he had said anything. It wasn't that much trouble writing one name on a piece of paper and really, their teacher wouldn't probably notice if the whole class room disappeared if there was someone left to write all the names down…

"I don't really have to go today… " Merlin continued hesitantly, but it hurt Arthur to hear his devastated voice so he replied hurriedly "No, no it's alright, you go." Merlins face lit up like a candle "really?" He sounded so ridiculously happy that Arthur had to look away "Yeah, yeah, stop making it a big deal already." He wondered what could possibly be so important to Merlin and he felt tightness in his chest for thinking it wasn't him.

Arthurs day didn't improve much from there. He felt blue all morning and when it was time for another boring history lesson sitting by himself, his mood sank from where it had been until Merlin caught up with him in the hallway. This wasn't unusual, Merlin usually asked him just before history if Arthur could sign his name again. Today Arthur just hadn't been expecting that because he already had promised Merlin he would do it.

"You ok? You have been sulking all day…" Merlin asked and Arthur faltered in his steps. Was he really so easy to read? "Ah, just stuff for practice… " He wasn't very good at lying to Merlin but Merlin seemed to accept his half assed explanation and nodded now seemingly happy.

His smile was nice but it didn't help Arthurs mood much this time. "Alright. I'll be going now, but thank you. Really." Merlin said with warm voice which made Arthurs heart jump a bit. He looked at Merlin who smiled at him and put his hand on his shoulder. "See you at home." He said with a bit quieter and softer tone before he left removing his hand from Arthurs shoulder.

Merlins hand had been there just for a second but Arthur felt warmth rush into his chest. Merlin rarely touched him in any way. Even now, he dropped stuff into his hands rather than actually passing then to him. And with that last smile… Arthurs day was saved. He spent most of his class recalling the sensation of Merlins hand on his shoulder and remembering his smile. His football practices went great and when he arrived home, he was ready to face Merlin who might or might not have a secret girlfriend.

* * *

Merlin left the school felling energized. The thought of when Arthur would get fed up with his actions had been bugging Merlin from the second time he had asked if Arthur would cover for him and for the most of this day Merlin had been worried when Arthur had seemed to be in a bad mood. Even if he had said that it wasn't a big deal. Merlin could have left as soon as the class before history was finished but he had to make sure Arthur wasn't mad at him. It had turned out that Arthur was worrying about something in football. That wasn't surprise because there was flu going around and many of his team mates were sick. That had been a relieve for Merlin. It seemed he had gotten worked up for nothing after all.

Merlin looked at the hand he had touched Arthur with. He didn't let anyone touch him these days and he was very careful not to touch anyone either, especially Arthur. Partly because he had developed a feeling of uneasiness with even a very normal kind of touch like handshakes and now that he had avoided it, touches in general felt foreign and uneasy and sometimes even scary. The second reason was that he felt he was unclean and he didn't want to touch anyone. He somehow even felt that maybe someone could tell how dirty he was if they touched him. And Arthur… He didn't dare.

Every time he he did, he felt like he was betraying Arthurs trust. Sometimes Arthur still ruffled his hair or put his hand on his shoulder… The touch meant so much more to Merlin and he felt he was making Arthur do something he wouldn't want to if he knew what it meant for Merlin. Still he had done that and he was actually a bit pleased with himself that he had been so spontaneously about it and not very conscious. He had just tried to thank Arthur, nothing more. Still his mind kept mocking him for feeling that his hand was still warm where he had made contact with Arthur. 'I'm pathetic…' He thought and tried to forget the whole thing.

Gwaine was sitting behind his counter today when Merlin arrived to the store. "Hullo! Hows it going today Merlin?" He greeted him cheerfully and Merlin smiled at him. He was now used to Gwaines strange sense of humour and could feel welcome and confident in his presence. "Nothing much… My friend kind of started to go out with my gym teacher, so she has left me to rot at lunches alone." Gwaines interest seemed to perk at this "Your gym teacher… Please tell me it's not Mr. Burke… " Merlin laughed at Gwaines expression and wondered (not for the first time) how Gwaine seemed to know so many things about his school. Had he gone there also? But it was a hideously expensive school and Gwaine at least made his best effort not to look like he was from a rich family.

"No, we have a substitute. His name is Lance." He somehow felt confident that Gwaine would never tell anyone so he felt safe sharing his friends secret. And it wasn't like Gwaine knew who Gwen was. He hadn't even told her name just to be sure and Gwaine never asked. "And he's young, I suppose?" Merlin had noticed that certain topics caught Gwaines attention easily. Normally he would have thought that he was after gossips, but there was just something that made him seem genuinely concerned.

Merlin tried his best to explain "Yes... and it's not actually like going out like that, they mostly talk and play some football and I'm not even sure that they would admit to even themselves that they are dating. I just call it that because they actually are." Gwaine seemed to relax but Merlin knew he would ask about them another time in a 'by the way' manner, Merlin liked to call it in his head. Gwaine tented to do that.

"Nothing much here either, the granma with hideous perfume wants to marry me." Merlin laughed at this which made Gwaine grimace. "Well, always clad to make you enjoy my misery." There was an elder woman living nearby who often visited this little shop. She seemed to have taken liking of Gwaine and he rarely bought more than one item, but never failed to show her face once a day at least. Merlin had seen her once and after she had gone he had made Gwaine laugh by commenting her overly strong perfume.

Merlin and Gwaine kept talking for another ten minutes but then Merlin wanted to leave. He would love to spent more time with Gwaine, but he needed his own time in the bushes. If he had all the time on the world it would be different but, well, he didn't. "It will be 5,60" Gwaine said and handed him his regular small plastic bag. Merlin didn't even ask for anything anymore. Gwaine just gathered what Merlin wanted and he was always happy with what he got. He still felt uncomfortable asking for beer and this way he didn't have to. He guessed that Gwaine knew this. Maybe he had other customers like Merlin?

Merlin said his goodbyes and Gwaine replied with a 'see you next week!'. Merlin was smiling and feeling carefree when he walked his now well established route. When he was there, he vaulted himself to the wall and dropped to the ground from the same place he had gone the first time. The branch he had broken made a wonderful hole that one could only see from above. Merlin made his way to his usual spot and took his jacket from his back to sit on and started to eat his sandwich. It was tuna this time. Merlin liked Gwaines sandwiches and he had actually made a pact with himself that he could eat meat if Gwaine had made it. It wasn't like he had any reason not to if nobody at home knew. Only not boiled eggs. There was just something in that smell...

He opened his beer and again just leaned to the wall and looked up. These bushes were one of the brave ones and there were tiny leaves sprouting from the ends of the branches. Merlin liked them because they hid him even better and it was like his hideout was getting a ceiling and walls. There wasn't any leaves in the middle of the bushes so it made a perfect place for him.

Then something unusual happened. Merlin had never seen anyone in the garden but now there was an old man, carrying a ladder with him. Merlin tried not to move and see what was happening at the same time. The man didn't seem to notice him at all and he was concentrating on getting the ladder stable to the ground. He then went back to the house and soon came back with a bucket and some other window cleaning supplies. He was obviously going to wash his windows in the second floor and Merlin felt a small panic. 'I should have left when he went to get the bucket…' He checked the time nervously. He had to be in school on time… But he didn't want to be seen so he decided to wait until it was absolutely necessary to leave.

After a while of watching an old man cleaning his windows he dared to move again. He continued sipping his beer but he kept his eyes on the mans back. Then the man dropped his rag and made a move to catch it which made the ladder move dangerously. Merlin made a move towards the garden. He couldn't let an accident happen before his eyes. He knew how dangerous it was to fall from a ladder. When the ladder started to slide to the left towards the stone wall, Merlin was quickly up and he ran trough the bushes to the ladder to stabilise it.

He wasn't very strong but he could slow the ladder enough for the old man to get his balance back and to take a hold of his window frame so the ladder didn't fall. Merlin panted half because of the physical effort and half because of the excitement. The old man slowly pulled the ladder straight again with Merlins help and climbed down.

"Who are you?" The stern question surprised Merlin at first but then he just felt guilty. He was a trespasser? Someone who was using this mans garden to drink and hide from school? "I- I'm..." He opened his mouth with no idea what he was going to say "Answer me!" the old mans tone was commanding and it made Merlin answer right away "I'm Merlin". The man didn't look pleased and he continued "What are you doing here?!" Merlin knew defeat when he saw one "I was in your bushes, I come here every week." he didn't know what else to tell him. "Are you lying to me boy?" The mans voice was now lower and it seriously made Merlin scared. "What do you want me to say?" He asked desperately. "The truth." the man looked at him straight in the eyes in a way that made it impossible to look away. "It is the truth. I have been coming here to sit in the corner of the sone wall and drink when I'm supposed to be at school." Merlin felt ashamed and he could tell nothing but the truth to this man who owned the place he was right now the most fond of in the whole world. The man seemed to look straight into his soul and when he apparently didn't see any lie in him, he seemed to calm down.

"Alright then, boy." Merlin sighed in relieve. "You wont say anything about…" He made a vague move towards the bushes with his hand. He had to know if his school was about to receive a call of what he had been up to. Maybe he shouldn't have been so honest… "No." The man said and Merlin felt all his tension go away. Merlin was about to go to get his stuff and be gone when the man interrupted him "Although, Merlin…" This made Merlin freeze in the middle of his step. "I should say, thank you." The man made a smile that told Merlin that this was his first smile in a long time. He tried to nod and smile back, but he didn't quite make it. "Come along, I'll treat you some tea. If there aren't any more of you in my bushes?" Merlin shook his head and the man looked pleased. For some reason Merlin didn't feel scared of this man so he crawled to the bush to get his bag and his half finished beer, which he tried to hide as well as possible from sight. He again felt shame for drinking.

The man looked at his hand pointedly and Merlin showed him the beer. "That is not coming to my house. There is a bin over there, go throw it out." He couldn't argue to the mans tone so he did just that. When he returned, the man looked a bit pleased and held his door open for Merlin. The house was a bit dim and dusty but clean. There were books and papers and all kinds of mismatching stuff lying around every surface but one small table next to a window. "Please, sit." The man told him and Merlin sat to one of the two chairs there was next to the table free of papers and books. Merlin guessed this was the table used for eating in this house.

The man made his way to the second floor and for few minutes Merlin had time to think if this was wise at all. He was in a strangers home, and he had no idea what was going to happen. Of course the man was old and not very scary looking apart from his extremely straight teacher like commanding voice and those eyes that seemed to make anyone tell the truth. But what did he have to say about anything being wise anyway? He was skipping school and drinking and lusting over his stepbrother. And what could possibly happen? Would the old man hit him or drug him or make him suck his dick? The possibilities were quite low and for the most parts, he had experience already.

His dark thoughts were interrupted when the man came down carrying a tray with one pot of tea and two mugs and some cookies. He didn't seem very stabile so Merlin rose up to help him with the tray "Thank you my boy." He sounded kind now and Merlin felt guilty for thinking this old man would harm him. They both sat down and the man poured them both some tea. "I never introduced myself… My name is Gaius." He told Merlin and Merlin smiled at him politely. He felt even more relaxed now that he knew his name. This had no logic behind it but still.

Gaius asked Merlin some basic questions and told some basic thing to Merlin as well. Merlin learned that he was an ex-doctor who was now retired. He lived here alone and after he had gotten over his shock of teenager popping from his flowerbed he seemed to enjoy company. Merlin found that he also enjoyed the old mans company and when he finally remembered to check the time, he realised he was already late. "I have to go! Someone is picking me from school." Gaius seemed to understand and didn't look bothered that Merlin practically ran to get his things. "If you want to come again, I wouldn't mind." He said. This made Merlin extremely happy. "Can I come again next week?" He asked him and Gaius smiled "Yes. But no alcohol!" Merlin nodded at him and opened the door. With a quick goodbye he ran all the way to the school. He wasn't that much late but he was sweaty from running and out of breath and he knew Uther would make him pay for making him wait, even if it was only ten minutes.

"What kept you boy?" So it was back to being boy and not son, but that actually made Merlin relieved. Not being summed under the same word than Arthur, actually was something that made him sure that Arthur had never had the same treatment than Merlin. That was something Merlin held high importance in the state of the universe.

"I was talking to a teacher…" He lied. He had learned at least something from Arthur. With Uther it was sometimes better to lie because he didn't really hear anything past what he wanted to hear. "I hope it was something positive?" He asked while opening Merlins belt "Yes. He thanked me about helping him before the class." He lied thinking Gaius thanking him while Uther slipped his hand into Merlins pants. Merlin closed his eyes and squeezed his hands into fists to stop himself from moving. "That's good." was the only thing Uther said before driving off.

He continued to grope Merlin and Merlin felt himself again grow hard. Would this ever end? His previous good mood was swept away and he felt shameful again. Saving someone from injury didn't feel like anything anymore and was easily wiped out to make way to the horrible feeling he felt when he heard Uther make a satisfied sound when he let go of Merlins stiff thing. Merlin closed his trousers quickly not caring how tight his trousers felt. He watched the scenery change without really seeing anything until they were home. He wished he still had the rest of his beer with him.

Back at his home Gaius thought about Merlin who had come out of nowhere to save him. He regretted a bit for shouting to the poor boy who seemed to be a bit fragile. But to be fair, Gaius had taken quite a fright when he almost fell. Still, he hadn't even thanked the boy straight away. He gave a short laugh. He had enjoyed the boys company and he found himself actually looking forward to next week. That was something he hadn't felt in a long time. Gaius had taught some classes in university in his years and he didn't approve of cutting class but for some reason Merlin didn't seem like the average lazy teen who didn't know what was best for them. The beer did fit that picture but somehow that also seemed forced, so Gaius was willing to let it slide this time. 'If I catch him drinking another time, I'll give him hell.' he decided.

'Maybe I should try to clean a bit if I'm expecting company…' He wondered but knew he would leave it to the next week anyway.

* * *

The next week Merlin came, as he had promised, he had dropped to visit Gwaine and had bought some cookies instead of the beer and told him he would go visit Gaius. Gwaine seemed to recognise the name and that made Merlin even more relaxed and happy he had saved the man. Gwaine was also pleased that Merlin didn't buy any alcohol this time but said nothing to Merlin.

Merlin walked the same route he always took and only when he was standing next to the stone wall he realised that he shouldn't go this way. He circled around the house and went to knock the door they had entered the last time. It took a while for Gaius to come to open the door and Merlin had time to suspect that he wouldn't come at all. "Come in, my boy. Sorry to make you wait, I never have any guest coming from the back door…" This made Merlin blush. Of course. This was his back door. How stupid of him. Fortunately Gaius didn't seem to mind and he already had some tea ready. He looked pleased to see the cookies Merlin had bought.

They talked and laughed and Merlin learned new thing about Gaius even though Merlin didn't share much more he had the previous time. He enjoyed the elder mans company and he got the feeling that Gaius felt the same. When Merlin had to leave he promised to come next week again when Gaius asked a bit timidly if he would.

After that Merlin came every week. He didn't give a damn anymore if he never went to history, his classmates could think whatever they wanted. Gwaine commented to him that he seemed to have more energy "Even though you seem to enjoy odd company." he commented with a smirk. "Yeah… I seem to visit you a lot too…" Merlin shot back which made Gwaine laugh. Somehow that small moment made Merlin see he had actually made a friend. Two friends. Gaius always had tea for him and even on the days Merlin was sore and hurt from his encounters with Uther he found the tea made him feel as good as the beer and just the smell of Gaiuses house made him feel warm, safe and relaxed. He was now more like himself. Funny and happy and laughing with no pretend or sarcasm. It felt a bit weird and quite distant that he had used to be like this most of the time just two years ago, but he soon got used to the feeling.

After few visits he offered to help Gaius with some small tasks like cooking or cleaning or tending his garden. He was happy to help and he liked to repay to Gaius somehow.

Gaius liked Merlin. He was a good kid and he helped him a lot. For years now he had been lonely and suddenly he wasn't anymore. He had never had any children but now he felt like he had one. When he had told Merlin this, Merlin had smiled like a sun and actually hugged him. Gaius had learned that Merlin was smart and Gaius liked to tell him things he had taught about anatomy and biochemistry which Merlin seemed to first reject but slowly seemed to catch on. When march turned to april, Merlin asked him questions and seemed to really understand what he was talking about. This made Gaius happy and he looked forward of seeing Merlin everyday.

Still he had this nagging feeling that there was something Merlin wasn't telling him and his gut told him that is wasn't anything pleasant, but there was nothing he could do but wait until Merlin would make a move to tell himself. He was a stranger after all. And how bad could it be? Merlin was not by any means deliquent and he didn't seem like a person who would get himself into a real trouble. Maybe Gaius was just over thinking. At Merlins age things tented to feel bigger than they actually were, so even if Merlin wasn't telling him everything his biggest problem could be a love triangle at school or a lash out with his best friend. Gaius hoped that Merlin wasn't bullied, it was the most likely thing he had come up with, but he knew that Merlin still had friends so he had just redied himself to be there if Merlin felt that he wanted to talk with Gaius about anything. He had also given Merlin his phone number just in case. Merlin had not used it yet.

One day at home after visiting Gaius, Merlin found himself from his couch reading a text book just out of curiosity. Gaius had rekindled his interest in science and he felt like himself and more whole again. He had something to wait for and he felt like he was useful for someone. When Gaius had compared him to a son he never had, Merlin had felt the same. Gaius was the closest thing he had ever had of a father before. He never knew his father and Uther… just no.

Gaius made him feel proud of the things he could do and he taught him new things. Merlin didn't even feel uncomfortable hugging him. He had done that just once but it had been natural and made him happy that he could still actually trust someone like that. Even Will (who Merlin had started to call more frequently again) was easier to talk to and Merlin felt like they had more fun now that he was more like himself.

* * *

Arthur had picked up Merlins good mood and now he was sure that Merlin had a girlfriend. Merlin had actually once slipped that he was going to someones house when he had asked Arthur to (again) pretend he was his partner in some discussion project. Arthur wanted to be angry at Merlin and ask him directly who was this mystery girl he was visiting, but he never really could. There was this lump in his throat and he felt just pain in his heart and not even annoyance. He tried to tell himself everything was better this way but he couldn't really make himself believe that either.

So there Arthur was, sitting in a boring class alone being the sucker who couldn't say no to Merlin who used him so he could go and meet who-ever-it-was. 'I hope she at least is a beauty' he thought bitterly looking out of the window not even pretending to be interested of the others in the glass room.

But today he was surprised by Gwen who sat next to him. "Hi." She greeted him looking straight ahead. "Mm, Hi?" Arthur wasn't sure what she wanted. It was rare she spoke to him without Merlin being near. "Do you know what Merlin is up to?" Gwen went straight to the point still not looking at Arthur. Arthur had been sure that Merlin would have told Gwen who he was meeting in secret so he was surprised and it took him a while to make up an answer. "I don't know. Isn't that something you girls would talk together about?" He finally said trying not to sound bitter.

Gwen looked at him disappointed and Arthur had to explain her everything he knew. "He mentioned once he was going to someones house… That's all I know, really." he said with a sigh. Gwen also sighed and now looked worried. "He doesn't talk to me. I tried asking what he was up to, but the only thing I got out of him was that he needed some alone time and that he had met someone called Gwaine. He seemed pretty happy about that."

Arthurs heart made a nasty twist. Gwaine… he had never heard about this before. That was certainly not a girls name which actually should make him happy but still… why had Merlin kept it secret? What was going on? Could… could Merlin like guys? It would in a way make sense but it made Arthur hurt. Even if that was the case he would never have a chance with Merlin either way. Still somehow it hurt more to think Merlin with another guy than girl…

"I have never heard of that." He said sounding somewhat sour. Gwen again looked at him with more questioning expression than worried. "I was so sure he would have told you…" This made Arthur look at her surprised. He had thought exactly the opposite.

The class had already starred and someone gave him the attendance list. He quickly wrote his and Merlins names and handed it to Gwen. Gwen looked at him again with a question clearly on her lips. "So you are covering for him even thought you don't know where he is?" She whispered to Arthur. She didn't sound mean so Arthur didn't get angry and just replied. "He seems so happy…" Gwen nodded at that. "Yes. I have seen it too. First I thought that he was mad at me for not spending so much time with him…" she blushed a bit "But well, if you are not worried, then I shouldn't be either. He seems happier and I guess that I have a bad habit of getting worked up for nothing. I live with Elyan after all…"

Arthur smiled at her attempt of lightening the mood and he felt better in a certain level but his chest felt tight. He wanted to know who this Gwaine was. He hoped it was nothing, just someone he had met by change… a friend. For the first time he actually feared that someone could take Merlin away from him completely. He had been uneasy and bitter for the mystery girl who might or might not exist, but now there was a name, Gwaine, and that made Arthur really fear he would get in between his and Merlins relationship. That Merlin would forget Arthur and be friends or even love someone else. He wanted to see Merlin...

Merlin was helping Gaius to clean. He was currently standing on a chair sweeping dust from the high shelves Gaius had in his living room full of books. Gaius was upstairs making something that smelled good. Gaius had started to make him lunch at some point and Merlin appreciated it. He liked Gaiuses cookings. And he had added Gaius to his list of the people whose cookings he would eat even if they contained meat. He found it hard to tell him that he was a vegetarian. It felt awkward and uncomfortable because he really wasn't and because it would just be an inconvenience. Still eating meat had felt foreign at first. It was something in the taste… Few slices of turkey was somehow different than eating hot stew or lasagna that contained meat.

When Merlin was ready with the cleaning, he took an anatomy book from the shelf he found interesting and started to read it. He knew Gaius wouldn't mind, he seemed to like it when Merlin showed interest in his lifework (which shouldn't be that much of a surprise). Soon Gaius called him up to help him carry the food downstairs.

The apartment wasn't the most practical. The kitchen was in the second floor next to Gaius bedroom and the stairs were steep. But Gaius had lived here for 20 years and he wasn't going to move just for the stairs. He claimed they kept him fit. That and the horse riding he did every saturday. Merlin thought it was cool that Gaius had such an uncommon hobby for his age and he wished he could go someday to try it. Gaius had actually asked once if Merlin wanted to come with him but he had to decline for obvious reasons.

Merlin ate with Gaius and they talked about the book Merlin had been reading and again, too soon, Merlin had to leave. "Take the book with you. You can return it next week." Gaius told him and Merlin put it into his bag and thanked Gaius. He would read it at home and they could talk about it next week.

When utter came to pick him up, Merlin was miles away. He sat next to Uther but he was mainly thinking of the wonders of human anatomy and how Gaius would be pleased and proud of him when Merlin would have read the whole thing by the time they met again while Uther stroked his tight. He walked in autopilot to his room and was about to take Gaiuses book out when he heard his rooms door close. He looked at Uther in fright as he kept coming closer to him. Merlin was frozen. It was unusual for Uther to come to his room this early but now he was here and Merlin was painfully aware of the fact that there was no-one at home.

"How have you been?" Uthers question seemed innocent but Merlin was petrified and he couldn't even answer before Uther continued. "There is something you are not telling me…" This made every alarm in Merlins head go wild. He didn't know what Uther was referring to so he didn't know which lie to tell and he had no idea what Uther already knew so he just stood there when Uther pulled him close and squeezed his ass.

"Where is this place you have been spending your money, hmm?" He asked while his hands wandered inside of Merlins shirt. Merlin realised in a second that Uther was talking about Gwaines shop. Of course, he was a minor so of course Uther could see what happened in his account… he was even the one who had given Merlin all the money. "Tell me the truth…" There was a threat in Uthers voice that Merlin knew too well. It told Merlin that if he wouldn't do as he was told, Uther would take him right now, hard and possibly painfully.

"I… I sometimes buy some- some vegan food from a store nearby… sometimes the food in the school… is not very good." He tried. He had to. Uther seemed to think about this and this few seconds made Merlin feel faint and he was sure that if Uther wouldn't say something soon, he would brake down and tell him everything. "I see… You could have just told me. After all, I'm one of those who fund the school, I can make thing happen in there." This could have made some poeple impressed but Merlin only felt terror. Perhaps that was Uthers goal all along. He gave one final squeeze to Merlins ass and then made his way to the door.

When Uther was gone, Merlin sank to the floor. He had to be more careful. He had to get some cash, he couldn't use his card anymore, he- he … He had to breath.

Merlin took few slow breaths in and out and his head started to clear. Always when he had found himself used to Uther he did something to throw Merlin of balance. He couldn't trust anything that happened to him and every time Uther made a change, Merlin was scared. He hoped Uther wouldn't come to his room tonight, but somehow he had a feeling he would. Hunith was again doing night shift and she wouldn't be home until tomorrow. Merlin didn't know what to do. And there was nothing he could do. Uther would come or he would not. Merlin could cary on as he usually did, it didn't really matter. Nothing Merlin did really mattered in this house.

Merlin didn't want to read anymore so he wandered to the garden. He tried to find a spot that resembled Gaiuses garden but he couldn't find one. All the bushes in Uthers garden were low and trimmed to perfection. The only place Merlin could find was a nice spot under a three. He sat there for a while, but it didn't feel right. He was still anxious and he didn't feel safe 'Why couldn't my mother marry someone like Gaius…?' He knew it was pointless to dwell, but he wished Gaius was his father. He felt like a father to Merlin even if he was too old for that.

After wondering this for a while he decided that Gaius would be his father figure from now on. He didn't have to be his actual relative or relative trough marriage, that was what he felt and thats it. His feelings were so all over the place that it didn't make much difference anyway. He laughed at himself a little without humour. His father figure was a retired doctor who he had met because he had drank in his garden, his love interest was supposed to be his brother and his closest friends were a girl who dated his gym teacher, his childhood friend who he hadn't seen in years and a lazy shop keeper. The only normal relationship he had, was that to his mother and even that was tainted with lies. 'And the fact that I'm being fucked by her husband.' Merlin thought bitterly.

He watched how some birds jumped around in the garden and felt everything was far away and the world just looked surreal to him. He was so cut off from everything that he couldn't even feel being part of the world anymore. But feeling like this, empty and surreal and dull was actually better than what he normally felt so he just sat there, watching the birds.

* * *

Eventually Arthur found him there (the tree was fairly close to the field Arthur trained and the garden was annoyingly open) and invited him to play. Merlin partly played partly simulated the team while Arthur made him do some new practices he had invented. Merlin had to admit that even he had learned a thing or two about playing football and he could actually do some pretty neat stuff now. He wished he could show this in his home village and to Will. They would have been blown away if Merlin had done this stuff when he was still living there. He missed that little village and those times. Especially those times, but even if he went back there now, the times wouldn't come back and he would just end up like old Stanley. Drunk and bitter.

The dinner time came too quickly and Merlin had to adjust himself to the night again. He wasn't ready and he felt terrified when he had to step into his room. In a way he knew that Uther wouldn't come until after nine when Arthur went to sleep and most of the times not until at least ten, but he couldn't just wait calmly. He tried to read the anatomy book but it didn't help. 'I wish it would be over already…' he thought when the clock wasn't more that seven. There was nothing he could do to make a difference and that distressed Merlin.

When Uther actually came, Merlin was almost relieved. Now he knew what would happen and then it would be over. Uther told him to take his clothes off and Merlin did just that in autopilot, not really caring anymore. Uther made him suck his dick and Merlin knew he would vomit again after Uther was gone. Uther pushed him to bed and made him face the mattress. Merlin closed his eyes and let it all happen. He remained calm when Uther took the lube out and he didn't panic at the cold touch or when Uthers thing pushed his entrance. He just bit his lip when Uther started to cares his thing and he didn't even flinch when he heard Uthers camera.

He tried to be indifferent but then something went wrong. Uther was gentler than normally. He whispered thing in Merlins ear Merlin didn't really want to hear and he touched Merlin. Merlin felt himself going hard. He tried to will it away but it didn't work. Soon Uther hit something inside him and Merlin couldn't help himself from making a sound. It wasn't from hurt, more like from feeling good in a way Merlin had never imagined before. He felt himself getting closer to climax and he tried to stop Uther from touching him further but it was no use. He came. He felt himself pulsate and he tensed more with every wave. He saw his semen spread and it made him sick. It wasn't even that pleasurable. He had climaxed before when he still touched himself and it was like pleasure building slowly, now it felt more like it was forced out of him and after that, it really started to hurt.

Every movement Uther made hurt like it had never before. He had to bite his pillow in order not to cry out. His body moved with Uthers thrusts and his own cum made his stomach sticky and the smell was strong. He could taste Uther in his mouth and still his own semen didn't smell much different. He hated it so much… He hated himself.

It didn't take long for Uther to come. Usually he would come inside Merlin, but today he pulled out suddenly which hurt too and made Merlin yelp. Uthers load came on Merlins back. It felt too hot at first and then cold. Merlin felt his ass burn. Uthers load was running from his back to his sides and he it felt revolting. "I see you enjoyed yourself… You have been a good boy lately." Ironically Uther calling him 'good' made Merlin feel a little bit better. He wanted to be good and maybe then Uther wouldn't hurt him so much… But when he heard the lock of his door open and then close again, he just felt shame. He was laying in his own cum and his back was stained with Uthers. He felt sick...He ran to bathroom and vomited.

After he could stand again he tried to clean himself but shower didn't seem to be enough. He scrubbed his skin until it hurt but nothing helped. He couldn't shake the feeling of himself coming no matter how much he tried. There was nothing he could do to deny it. He had come and even if it hadn't been so good, he couldn't shake the fear that in some level he had wanted that. He hugged his knees and rocked himself back and forth trying to calm himself down. He tried to find a way to tell himself that it was just an accident but there really was nothing he could do to make himself calm down.

Finally he again slept on his floor next to his couch. It wasn't comfortable. It was not like he couldn't sleep in his couch, but he just wanted to feel uncomfortable. It took his mind of what had happened today. He didn't sleep well but it was what he wanted. In the morning he felt that the whole world was gray and he didn't really care about anything. He didn't eat breakfast and he didn't speak to Arthur who clearly wanted to talk with him. Something about Gwen was mentioned but Merlin couldn't make himself to care and eventually he pretended to fall asleep just to avoid Arthurs questions.

The rest of the day was dead to Merlin. He vaguely thought that he wanted to go to meet Gwaine and Gaius, but he felt too ashamed to face them and his visit was not until next week anyway and that made him even more depressed. In his mind he played over and over again what had happened. He hated and even feared his own body, especially his private parts. He even avoided bathroom just so he didn't have to touch or see his thing.

At lunch Gwen was going on and on about some party Merlin had not even slight interest in. "Come on Merlin, it's also your party! We never really celebrated your birthday…" She tried to motivate him but the only reply Merlin could give to her was something like "Hmmf." Gwen eventually gave up not seeming happy at all. Merlin dully noted that he would have to make up an excuse or apologise but right now he couldn't really make himself to care. He didn't have energy for that.

Merlins last class was double biology today. While he couldn't do the same as he did with history, he knew his teacher liked him and today he decided to take advantage of that. He had to get away. He needed something to make him forget. So he told his teacher a story of wanting to get one particular book of anatomy (the one he already borrowed from Gaius) and asked if he could go to get it from the library. His teacher said yes, if he would be back as soon as he had gotten the book because she happened to like anatomy and human biology the most. (She had made her major of kidney infections and had wanted to be a doctor but in the end teaching had been more of a call for her) Merlin felt guilty that he used something that was important for his teacher (she was a good teacher) to slip away from school, but he felt so strongly that he had to get away that he still did it.

He avoided Arthurs and Gwens gaze when he walked out of the class room as they walked in. When he was alone, he started to run. He ran until he couldn't see the school anymore. After that he walked straight to Gwaines shop. He would have ran all the way but that was as far as his sore hip could make it. Gwaine was there (of course, Merlin had learned in past weeks that Gwaine actually owned the place and he was the only one working there) and looked surprised to see Merlin practically ran into his store.

Gwaine looked at him curiously at Merlin and he felt self conscious for a moment, but he had only a limited time so he went straight to the business "I need some alcohol I can take with me. Something strong." Gwaine looked even more surprised. Merlin hadn't bought any alcohol in weeks now and to ask something stronger than beer with this kind of urgency in his voice… Had something happened?

"Any particular reason why?" He asked not quite comfortable to sell Merlin anything too strong. That had kinda been his agenda all along to monitor Merlins drinking… or at least that had formed to be his excuse for his conscience. "You never drank anything stronger then?" Merlin asked hitting Gwaine to his weak point and knowing it.

Gwaine made a face at him but couldn't really argue, Merlin was now too much a friend to him so he couldn't really pretend that he was some authority now. He wasn't sure if he was pathetic or not for making friends with a teenager almost ten years younger than he was, but he guessed there was no helping that now. He sighed. "Alright… I can't really argue to that. Anything you have in mind?"

Merlin had to think for a moment. He didn't know what he wanted and he wanted to ask Gwaine what he liked but it seemed too weird. Then he remembered the party Gwen had been talking about "My friend will have a party, I would like to take something there." This made Gwaines expression soften. Parties were exceptions and he was actually pleased that Merlin was doing something normal for his age.

"Then take some wine, I myself like this red wine in particularly. It's not the most cheep one but not so expensive either." Merlin smiled at him relieved that Gwaine bought his lie. "It doesn't matter." He decided to buy it with card and take the risk. He definitely needed some cash soon… "Just remember to share it with your girlfriend." Gwaine teased. Merlin blushed feeling slightly pleased that he seemed someone who would have a girlfriend even thought he knew Gwaine was joking.

He paid for his wine while mumbling something about giving some to his friends and put the bottle as deep into his bag that he could. "Thanks, I have to get back to school now… I'll visit next week again." He promised before running off again. He ran all the way to the school and to his class. His muscles and lungs screamed at him all the way and his bottom felt bruised by the time he stopped just outside the class. He hoped that he wasn't bleeding again from there.

Before he opened the door that lead to the class room, Merlin took a moment to calm his breath. When he walked in he just nodded at the teacher and avoided looking at anyone else. He was careful when opening his bag so no-one could see the wine bottle. He pretended to be very interested every time his teacher looked at his direction but in reality he had no idea what she was talking about.

When it was finally time to go home he did his best not to look at Uther who for once didn't touch Merlin which was a relieve. When Merlin had closed the door of his room, he immediately took his wine bottle out. He didn't have any glass in here so he just opened the bottle which luckily (or not, Gwaine could have thought about that) had a screw cap and drank from the bottle. The wine tasted strong and bitter but he took a long sip from the bottle anyway. He sat on his couch and drank few sips.

Gwaine hadn't been cautious for nothing. Merlin was light and the wine was strong. Anything stronger would have made him puke and even the wine was too much for him. Merlin hadn't even drank two portions worth when he had to stop and lay down. He made himself hide the bottle behind his couch before he laid down but that was when his thoughts ended. He felt pleasantly empty. Like he was floating in space and the fact that he was still in his room didn't matter. He was tired and warm and his head felt fuzzy, like he was spinning. He had what he had wanted, to get away from his self loath for now. He knew this wouldn't actually solve anything but just for now…

Before Merlin closed his eyes, there was a thought floating in his head 'So that's why he drinks… to keep the present from catching up to him…' and a picture of his home villages drunk in his mind. Finally Merlin slept and he slept well.

* * *

A/N Hello! Many thanks for those who answered my question about how much I should write about Gwens and Lances romance! Mostly the responce was that it wouldn't be very interesting so I will not write more than I already have. Their developement will just be mentioned but I will not write anything from their perspective. To be truthful, I myself am not that intersted either. I liked Gwen in the show, there is nothing in her that irritates me and I feel that it's fair that she gets one of her true loves and since Arthur is out of question (duh)... But that's kind of that. Again many thanks, I find it very nice that I can better my story still when I publish and modify it to meet your, my dear readers, tastes. You are, after all, the reason why I'm here. (It's not like _I_ don't know how this story is going to end...)

And again a huge thank you for those who have taken their time to leave a review! You know how in many fanfictions the reviews are mostly short and not very informative? Well, my reviewers are the best! They really take the time to make me comments and encouragements and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it. Many of you have told me to keep up the good work and I always think 'right back at you!'. You are awesome, thank you for your support!

mersan123 You are the champ of making me happy when ever I upload a new chapter! And it is very much alright to look those moments as cries for help because that is exactly what they are. Merlin is really not alright and skipping school, drinking and self harm are all signs that we adults should notice and understand that something is teribly wrong. Right now those near Merlin don't see it, but Gwaine who is a stranger can see that somehow Merlin is acting differently that most of his age do. When I did the last proof reading to this chapter, I went trought the same 'why can't somebody notice like right now something, anything!' -feeling. The worst of the two being when Merlin cut himself. Even if he didn't pass out(which would have been, his legs raised and all, a sign of so severe blood loss that he would have propably gone to a shock and could have died), if some-one had come to his room, the blood on the floor and he sleeping his legs up looking pale should have been kind of a give away...

Angel Dove1 High five for you my fellow Gwaine-fan! :D Great that you felt with our hero, I put a lot of effort to get the feeling to my writing while avoiding to make the scene too melodramatic... I have never quite understood mental brakedowns in ff that have been made really angsty and dramatic. It's not like mental brakedowns are cool...

BluesAvalon I agree that there are many ff that kind of go crazy with the selfharm... I have many reasons for the selfharm scenes and Merlin sertainly has every reason to resort to it, but in reality, self harm is not about reason, it's about feeling and it does not suit everyone. At all. And feeling the need to hurt oneself is not the same thing that wanting to die... To Merlin it's about control and when he felt that he could really die, well, that was exact opposite of control. I'm very happy to hear that you found my approach fresh, it means a lot :)

MillaMaxwell12 You are so right, Arthurs mother would be pissed big time! I hadn't even thought about that actually, but of cource she would! She seemed so gentle the one time she was seen in the show... I have been dying to post these next few chapters, there will be developement, I promise! And btw, I watched the movie you recomented but lets talk about it more later ;)

LordOfTehRainbow I was so moved when I saw that you had followed me, faved me and even reviewed me! Thank you! And your praise was very flattering, I hope so much that you will like all the twist and turns that I will make :)

Skypeoplephoenix732 That was one impressive curse! I especially liked the larvae part :D Awesome that you like my version of Gwaine, he is my favourite knight so I have written him quite a big part in this story. In the tv-series Merlin also had to hide a huge secret and a part of himself and I always wanted even just a little bit more Gwaine who seemed like he would totaly understand and not judge at all. So here he is and Merlin really lucked out. There are ton of ways for teenagers to get alcohol and not nearly all are as safe as this arragenment.


	19. Chapter 19 - Whatever keeps us together

When Merlin woke up, his head hurt and his throat was dry. But he felt different from the morning and that was all he had wanted. He drank from his bathroom tab and felt better immediately. He had to hide his wine better so he started to search a hiding place. It was not an easy task. The hiding place would have to be Uther, mother, Arthur and maid proof.

Finally he remembered that his and Arthurs closets were connected. There were two doors, one door on Merlins side and one at Arthurs side. In between them was a threshold and when Merlin opened his door and tried it out, the wine bottle fit perfectly in between the closed doors. Merlin was pleased. No-one would check this place. The doors had not been opened in ages. There were boxes of Morganas stuff still in front of Merlins side and he was sure Arthur also had something he kept leaning to the door on his side. He even tried Arthurs door but it was as locked from the inside as Merlins door had been. He felt satisfied. Now he could drink when he felt like it and he had a perfect hide for his alcohol. Maybe he could buy some for taking home in the future? Maybe he could buy that one beer from Gwaine every week and store it in his closet for when he needed it? He had come to miss beer whenever Uther molested him. Maybe he could just have some here. It wasn't that much more dangerous than drinking in some strangers garden…

Merlin found comfort of the possibility of having alcohol here in his room but for now, he was still tired. He slept on his sofa until Arthur came to wake him up for dinner. Merlin was happy to see his mother and he pretended to be normal as he ate his vegetarian meal and concentrated on not breathing to anyones direction because he wasn't sure if his breath was stinking. He vaguely made note that Arthur was asking a permission to go to Gwens party but it didn't really interest him much until he heard Arthur mention his name. "...and Merlin could also come with me. I'll drive and you can have a night alone then." Arthur smiled sweetly at them, something Merlin didn't see too often. This was a whole new level of talking Uther to let them do as Arthur wanted. Still Merlin was about to protest for a second until he realised that this was his change to get out of the house. When Uther and his mother actually agreed, Merlin had to try hard not to look too excited.

On the following day Merlin had to pretend he was going to the party for Arthur and that he wasn't going for Gwen. He had no intention on going, he had to convince Arthur to drop him somewhere. Maybe even nearby school so he could go to Gaiuses garden again. Even when he hadn't been drinking because he had promised Gaius, he still liked the bushes and was quite sure Gaius wouldn't notice if he went there from the walls side like he had used to. The bushes were in full leave now so once he would be there, no-one could see him. That would also be a safe place to be drunk. It scared him a bit to think himself drunk in the park or other place where someone could try to talk to him or even do stuff like Uther did. So the bushes it would be then.

* * *

When the saturday came, Merlin was ready. He had the rest of his wine in a shoulder bag along with his present for Elyan (it was Elyans birthday party which Gwen had insisted on makin also a late celebration for Merlins birthday). He followed Arthur to the garage after assuring his mother that the party would be quiet and that they would be home safe. Hunith had dressed nice and Merlin knew she and Uther were going to some place fancy. He was happy that his mother had some fun but he didn't like the fact that she was with Uther and he had to force the thought of his memories with Uther from his mind. He hated that he was betraying his mother with her husband and that he could do nothing about it. In fact he wasn't even sure whose fault that was anymore. He thought about his wine and that gave him strength. When he sat to the car next to Arthur thought, he felt guilty. He saw that Arthur was exited that they were going together and while Arthur chatted about something, Merlin wasn't really there. It took until they were half way to Gwens house that Merlin finally spoke.

"Leave me here, please." Was the first thing Merlin said to Arthur that night and it seemed to take Arthur by so much surprise that he actually slowed down and stopped the car. " _What!?_ " was his comment to Merlins request the second the car wasn't moving anymore. "Leave me here and come pick me up after the party, please." Merlin tried to be more clear and stay calm at the same time. His voice came out like he was talking to a five year old.

Arthur looked like a question mark and from the look in his eyes he wasn't going to let Merlin go anywhere. "You want to wander alone in the middle of the city instead of going to Elyans birthday party? To your party!" Merlin felt ashamed but he really couldn't face Gwen and pretend that he was having fun when there were people. He wanted to be alone. "You can pick me up from here whenever you want. Just call me when you are leaving." Merlin knew his voice was pleading but he didn't care.

Arthur frowned. He knew Merlin wasn't telling him everything and he was reminded of the mystery person Merlin was seeing during their history class. "Are you going to meet somebody?" He asked a bit annoyed and dreading for the answer even though he had to know. Merlin was caught by surprise and he had no idea what Arthur was up to. "…No… " He replied while a picture of Gaius and his garden flashed in his mind.

Arthur seemed to get even more annoyed. "I'm not leaving you here alone. I promised my father that I would take you to the party and I will not lie for you this time." Arthur was pissed. He took Merlins hesitation that Merlin was still keeping secrets from him and that made him angry. Merlin looked at Arthur in disbelieve. Of course he knew that Arthur had done a great deal for him and that he really couldn't ask for more, but he felt there was something else to this. Arthur was making it a too big of a deal.

When Arthur made a move like he was going to start the car again, Merlin decided that it was time to be truthful about something at least. He opened his bag and took his wine bottle out. He felt shame as soon as he saw Arthurs eyes widen in disbelieve. "You-" Arthur started but Merlin felt his own temper boil and he snapped, mostly as a self defence mechanism than anything else "I just need some time alone, ok!" Arthur just stared and Merlin started to feel stupid for his outburst.

"You drink?" was Arthurs finnished his question after a long pause. Merlin sighed. The question wasn't very intelligent seeing how he had just shown Arthur an opened wine bottle, but it left no room for a lie either. "Yes… sometimes." He had to turn his head to another direction but he still heard Arthurs surprised tone when he asked "So you pretended to go to your own birthday party so you could go to some park to get drunk?" Merlin felt ashamed and when he nodded he kept his gaze low and as far from Arthur as he could. "Well, I'm not letting you wander around drunk. What ever could happen to you and I'm not taking responsible for that." Arthur tried to sound like that was his only concern but he was actually shocked and he felt great concern for Merlins safety. Questions like 'when?' and 'why?' were circling in his head. Where had Merlin gotten the wine? From the mystery person, Gwaine? Had Merlin been rejected or something and that was why he was drinking? Or was he trying to seem cool to Gwaine? Or to someone else?

Merlin hunched his shoulders and he looked uncomfortable. Arthur couldn't really take that and he felt guilty for being so harsh. He sighed "Fine. You can sit in the car if thats so important to you." Merlin seemed to brighten up a bit, more than Arthur had seen in few days actually, but he also looked deeply bothered. It surely wasn't nice to hear his situation like Arthur had put it… and maybe he had hit a nerve or Merlin was really depressed about something? Arthur wanted to make things better for him so he continued. "I'll stay with you. I know a place we can go…" Merlin looked purely surprised now and Arthur had to concentrate on the road when he started the car again and made a sharp turn. Concentration also helped him not to blush under Merlins wide eyes.

Arthur drove to a cliff he liked very much. He had found it once when he had taken a wrong turn about half a year ago. He liked the way he could see the area where he lived from higher ground and the sun was setting so the view was even more breath taking than usual. He tried to remind him that this was not a date but at the same time he couldn't stop himself from thinking that if this was a date, it would definitely be worth missing the party. The now orange sun made Merlins eyes reflect golden light and he looked beautiful in Arthurs eyes.

Arthur was just telling himself to stop staring when Merlin opened his bottle. Merlin took a long sip and seemed to relax a bit. They didn't say anything to each other for a while. Merlin took few other sips from his bottle and looked at the setting sun, never even looking at Arthurs direction.

For awhile Arthur kept looking at Merlins silhouette and Merlin kept looking at the view. After some time had passed Merlin turned to Arthur, offering his bottle to him. Arthur thought 'why not?' and took a sip from the bottle. He didn't really enjoy the taste and he blushed when he realised that the bottle had actually touched Merlins lips. Fortunately Merlin didn't seem to notice when he passed the bottle back and took one more sip himself. "So is this the place you usually take your dates?" Merlin asked lightly. He was a bit drunk now and he felt light and not as uneasy as usually. He was sure he would regret everything he said to Arthur right now but then again, it was hard to care right now.

Arthur blushed and tried to mumble something about that he didn't really take anyone to dates. This made Merlin smirk and he made a short noise that could easily be mistaken for a laugh. Arthur knew he was blushing now but to his luck Merlin still kept his eyes on the scenery. "Many girls would love to be here with you, you know." The alcohol made Merlin feel again and when he watched the sun set he felt like there was colour in his world again.

Arthur didn't really have anything to say to him, they had talked about this with Gwen what seemed like forever ago and his situation hadn't changed much from that. Still he took the topic and used it as an excuse for asking from Merlin "What about you then? Where do you take your date when you are supposed to be in history?" Arthur had wanted to sound nonchalant but his voice still came out sounding annoyed. Arthurs heart was pounding in his ears and he waited to hear something about this Gwaine character Gwen had mentioned. Merlin was in a middle of another sip from his bottle and he almost got the wine into a wrong pipe. He coughed a little before he could reply. "What?!"

Ok, that wasn't the most intelligent reply but he didn't know where to start. That he didn't date? That he mostly helped an elderly man weed his garden or dust his shelves? That he wasn't even sure if he could still date anyone at all? That even a thought of letting someone close to him physically scared him? That he was in love with Arthur?

Arthur frowned at him so he had to say something at least. "I don't go to dates, I wouldn't ask you to lie for me just so I could go to meet some… girl." He really had to concentrate on the word 'girl'. The wine was really catching up on his brain.

Arthur relaxed and Merlin interpreted from his body language that Arthur had been annoyed at him because he had thought that he had a secret girlfriend and that he had used Arthur for that without even telling him any of it. Actually, in a way he had done that just minus the girlfriend. Merlin suddenly felt really guilty for not telling anything to Arthur who was doing him a great favour. "I go to meet some friends. If you want you can come with me some times…" He offered from the bottom of his heart. He would be happy to introduce Arthur to Gwaine and Gaius. He had mentioned him many times so he was quite sure that they would like to meet Arthur too.

Arthur was surprised and happy. That Merlin would take him with him made butterflies dance in his stomach. It also started to really sound like Merlin didn't have anyone… "So I would get to meet Gwaine then?" He wanted to see Merlins reaction to the name. That, and he didn't want to sound as interested in going that he actually was.

Merlin looked a bit embarrassed and blushed a little. Arthur frowned a little which Merlin didn't again, luckily, see because he was concentrating on his toes. "I don't remember that I mentioned him…" His heart was razing. If Arthur knew Gwaines name and he still referred it as a date… Could he know something?

"You didn't. Gwen told me." Arthur sounded again a bit annoyed and Merlin sighed. He had really messed this up. "I'm sorry for not telling you. Originally I just wanted some time alone and I ended up meeting Gwaine and we kind of became friends… It wasn't that much of a secret, I just didn't… I don't know." He hoped that Arthur didn't suspect him being gay and so he had refered Gwaine as a friend but he honestly didn't know how to explain his visits to Gaiuses house. He couldn't really tell him that he had been lurking in his bushes now could he…

"Can I come next week?" Arthurs question saved him from explaining and he beamed. "Yes!" He wasn't sure if he looked too hyped up by this but he blamed it on the wine again. Seeing Merlin so excited made Arthur happy. He felt warm inside. He wanted to kiss Merlin… Arthur had to look away from Merlin and concentrate for a moment. He listened Merlin rant about something or other about some store and garden and tea. He wasn't very coherent on his story and Arthur guessed it was the wine.

Speaking of the wine… "Did you get that wine from Gwaine?" He asked. From what he had gathered, this Gwaine sounded older (which Arthur wasn't sure if it made him happy or not). "Yeah." Arthur nodded at that. "So he is your friend?" Arthur was pushing the topic but he needed to know. Merlin didn't blush this time which made Arthur pleased "Yeah, I guess he is." Merlin relaxed to his seat and took another sip from his wine. Arthur was a tad worried of the pace Merlin was drinking but he didn't really have any experience of how much one could take wine before puking. He had just heard his friends tell about their adventures with alcohol because he had never even tasted alcohol until today. Merlin offered him the bottle again but Arthur refused. He had to drive after all.

After one more sip, Merlin closed the bottle and placed it on the floor and they both just watched as the last of the sun set behind the city. Soon Merlin started to feel drowsy and Arthur wanted to tell him something before Merlin would fall asleep on him. "You know… you are my best friend." He had never been very good with this kind of stuff so he just said what he wanted to convey.

Merlin opened his eyes sleepily and turned his head partially to look at Arthur. "I guess that you are mine too." He said sincerely and closed his eyes again. Arthur felt encouraged by Merlins reply so he continued "I mean I never quite felt you were my brother… I- you were a friend and now… I think you are the best friend I could ever have…" He wasn't sure if he wanted to make this known to Merlin or if he just needed to convince himself that he wasn't sitting in a obvious date point with his brother wanting to kiss him while he was drunk. He didn't really wait to hear a reply. In fact he wasn't even sure if Merlin was still awake so he jumped a bit when Merlin interrupted his thoughts with a sleepy voice "Whatever keeps us together forever…" Merlin let out a long breath and then he clearly fell asleep.

Arthur could just stare. His heart was beating fast and he felt warm inside. He repeated Merlins words in his head and he blushed and smiled and just felt happy. Even if he could never actually date Merlin this was definitely worth missing the party! He had been so unsure of where he was standing in Merlins life and this was the best he could have heard.

He watched Merlins sleeping face and he took every detail in. He wanted to kiss him so badly… But he couldn't. He just didn't dare and even if he did, it wouldn't be right. He still stretched his hand out and let his fingertips run from Merlins forehead to his cheek. Merlin didn't make any movement and Arthur smiled a bit. Merlins skin felt warm and soft and Arthur wanted nothing more than to gather Merlin in his arms and let him sleep against his chest.

Instead Arthur sighed and climbed out from his car and took his cellphone out. He searched Elyans number and called to him to tell that they couldn't come after all. Elyan was disappointed and when he handed the phone to Gwen she wasn't pleased either. "I thought that you said you could make Merlin come with you?" she was so disappointed that Arthur almost told her that they would drive there right now. Almost. It's not like he could have presented them a drunk Merlin.

"Sorry, Merlin is having a flu… He's sleeping right now." He didn't like lying to his friends, but right now it made things a lot easier. Gwen immediately sounded sorry. "So that's why he has been so distant for days! I should have noticed… Will he be alright?" She sounded genuinely worried and Arthur felt bad for making her feel like that. "It's nothing serious, I'm sure he will be fine after he gets to rest for the weekend…" Gwen sounded relieved when she told him jokingly that now she had to go to face the angry mob who had wanted to celebrate Merlins birthday as well. Arthur wished her luck before saying goodbyes.

After his phone call Arthur looked at his car and Merlin who was sleeping soundly in the passenger seat. He felt his chest tighten. He wanted to touch Merlin so badly… Arthur took couple of deep breaths and walked around a bit. He didn't go far, he wanted to see the car all the time incase Merlin woke up and it was quite dark now that the sun had set.

He returned to his seat only when he was cold (It was still too early to be warm after sun had gone down). 'What am I going to do?' He thought to himself. He felt he couldn't control his feelings anymore and doing nothing didn't seem possible anymore. He thought about his father and Hunith… what would they say? Hunith would probably want him as far as possible from her son and his father… would go nuts if he found out thats for sure. Not only because of the homosexual thing, but because this kind of thing between brothers would bring 'shame on the family' as his father had used to tell him about every little thing he had done wrong when he had been a child. And if ever, Arthur felt that those words were justified in this situation.

Arthur had also grown up with his fathers temper and he knew how harsh he could be. Morgana had fought with their father many times and in his childhood he even remembered once when his father had hit Morgana. That wasn't pretty. To Arthur it hadn't been surprising that Morgana had moved as far as possibly from home when she could.

Arthur wasn't that extreme, he was loyal by nature and he had tried his hardest for a long time to impress his father. Until Merlin that's it. He remembered when Merlin had told him to think for himself and everything he had done after that, had felt different. He wasn't playing football to please his father anymore nor did he stress so much about the subjects he really didn't like that much. He didn't try to be something he was, not anymore, nor did he take his insecurities or frustration out on others. Merlin had made him a better person and Arthur knew it.

He turned to look at sleeping Merlin and smiled. He was something entirely different, something Arthur had never even dared to wish for himself. He had read stories of true friendship and love when he had been a child, but in a way he had always been sceptic of the idea and after people around him had started to get interested of dating and sex and stuff, he had given up the idea altogether. His own lack of interest on the topic made everyones stories sound unpleasant to him and constant drama his mates were having with girls didn't sound too inviting either. And while he did have good friends… Well, before Merlin he didn't have anyone he had felt he could trust so completely.

'I love you…' Arthur thought while watching sleeping Merlin and now it sounded right to him. Love… he really was in deep. Huniths reaction and his farther wrath worried him but what really made him terrified was Merlin. What would he do if he found out? He could imagine Merlin looking at him disgusted, angry, scared…

His stomach made a nasty turn when an actual memory surfaced. He saw Merlin looking directly at his eyes terror in them when Arthur had shaken him awake. It still hurt and Arthur still wasn't sure what had made Merlin look at him like that. He knew one could take a fright when waken abruptly, but that had been something else. Arthur remembered how Elyan had woken up when Oliver had shouted at his face. He had jumped up like he had seen a demon and yelped, but Merlin had been nothing like that. He had tensed not even making a sound and looked at him straight in the eye looking more scared Arthur had ever seen anyone be. He hoped that he hadn't been the cause. He had shaken Merlin and he knew Merlin didn't like to touch anyone but it wasn't anything Arthur hadn't done before…

Arthurs mind played him an imagined situation where Merlin looked at him with the same eyes screaming at him 'Don't touch me! You are sick!'. Arthur shivered and his heart tightened. It felt terrible and he promised to himself he would do anything to prevent that from happening. He looked at Merlin who hadn't moved even a millimetre from where he had fallen asleep. Arthur wanted to stroke his hair and sit closer to him but he didn't. His imagination had made sure of that.

He looked up to where the sky would have been if wasn't sitting in the car and wished his father had never married Hunith. 'Of course then I wouldn't have met Merlin…' He felt a bit better with that thought. He would rather have things like this than not meeting Merlin at all. 'Whatever keeps us together forever.' Merlin words echoed in his mind and he smiled. He felt much better and he repeated the words in his mind over and over again. Yes, whatever it was he would have to do he would do it to keep them together. In his case it probably was something entirely different that Merlin had intended it to be, but Arthur felt that the feeling behind the words was fundamentally the same. They were best friends and Arthur would take that.

* * *

Merlin woke up in two hours time. His throat was dry and he had a slight headache. The inside of his mouth tasted like something had died in there. He wondered how he smelled and tried to breath to another direction when he realised Arthur sat right next to him. Arthur had noticed him waking up and was now looking at him with a small smile on his lips. Merlin was sure Arthur would tease him about a thing or another, Merlin knew fully well how many different opinion he had given Athur to choose from. Arthur however said nothing. He just passed Merlin a water bottle he usually kept in his car with the rest of his basic football stuff that were always there. The water tasted like plastic but Merlin didn't complain.

The water did wonders and his headache started to dull. He passed the bottle back to Arthur who kept smiling at him warmly. Merlin blushed a little. Arthur was very handsome when he smiled like that and Merlin turned to look out from the passengers side window as an excuse to hide his blush. "What time is it?" He asked and Arthur answered. "Should we go back home?" Merlin asked not really wanting to leave but he knew they couldn't just sit here either and while the wine had made him feel better with himself, he really didn't want to go to the party. "Maybe soon… but would you like to have something to eat first?" Arthur suggested and Merlin was happy to say yes.

They drove to a cafe that was open until midnight and ordered some cold drinks and sandwiches. Merlin told Arthur that he had to try out Gwaines sandwiches (they were way better than these basic 'we are open after nobody else is, so we can sell what ever we want' kind of sandwiches). Arthur was a bit happy how Merlin was talking to him about his new friend and he joked that he would if Merlin treated him one. That made Merlin remember that he needed cash and after they had eaten, they searched for the nearest cash machine and Merlin used one for the first time in his life. He took out two hundreds so he wouldn't have to do this for a while and Arthur confessed to him that he also used only cash because his father had a nasty habit of following his card trail too. This made Merlin a bit relieved. So somethings weren't just because he was gay.

When they drove back to home, Uther and Hunith were already asleep. The house was dark and Merlin and Arthur tiptoed to their rooms. Merlin felt now relaxed and light. The wine had done wonders to him. Like he had been able to reboot his systems and spending time outside the house with Arthur always made him feel better. Arthur had again saved him from himself and Merlin wished he could do something in return.

His good mood lasted even when he had to say goodnight to Arthur with hushed voice but when he opened his own door and saw his room he just felt sick again. He saw his bed and he shivered. His couch was too near of it and he could smell all the smells that he connected to sex with Uther. They were probably his imagination but they still made him feel like the walls were closing on him. He made a decision and walked fast to his made bed. He wasn't going to sleep here tonight.

He grabbed his pillow and his blanket, made his way into his closet and grabbed one of his pyjamas and walked out of his room closing the door behind him. He felt better right away after the door was closed, but he continued on his decided route immediately so he wouldn't change his mind. He knocked Arthurs door softly. It took only few seconds for Arthur to open his door but in those seconds Merlin almost ran back to his room at least four times.

"Forgot something?" Arthur was surprised to see Merlin. He had just been changing to his pyjama when he had heard a knock on his door. Arthur saw Merlins eyes drift down from his face without answering and he suddenly remembered that he didn't have any shirt on. "Ah, mm, sorry I was just changing… Come in, I'll be umm, yeah." He left his door open and disappeared to his closet closing the door behind him.

'Way to seem normal…' Arthur mentally kicked himself for being so stupid. And what was that 'smooth' response?! God! He was doing a brilliant job today of keeping Merlin from finding out that he had feelings for him. First he had practically taken him to a date and now he was blabbering like an idiot and blushing. He should take him to dance next time!

He quickly put some old t-shirt on and returned to the room finding Merlin sitting on his couch. Merlin had his blanket and pillow on his lap so Arthur could guess what he would ask but he still wasn't really prepared to it when Merlin asked "Can I sleep here tonight?" Arthur felt his pulse speed up and his face heat. He tried to fight all the images of Merlin sleeping in his arms away hoping Merlin had some kind of vision how he wanted to sleep while answering "Yeah, sure." He managed to sound calmer than he felt at least.

Merlin smiled at him briefly and threw his pillow to one end of Arthurs couch and his blanket to the other end. "Mind if I use your bathroom?" Merlin asked already half way in there. Arthur just nodded and when Merlin closed the door and locked it, Arthur silently face palmed himself. Of course Merlin meant the couch when he said 'here'. He was sitting on it! And Arthur knew Merlin at least slept on his own couch sometimes… In somethings Merlin was just a bit weird. One could even call him eccentric.

When Merlin came out from Arthurs bath room he had a long-sleeved button up pyjama with full length pyjama pants. It was dark blue and had few stars on it. Merlin looked so cute in this clothing that Arthur had to laugh at him. Merlin made a face at him but continued to amuse him by taking few poses that made the pyjama look even more ridiculous and overly big with his thin frame. Arthur had to sit down to laugh and Merlin felt all his worries go away.

Soon Arthur started to tire and he pulled his blanket up to his waist. He felt a bit too hot with his shirt on but he would suffer from that first than be half naked in Merlins presence. He didn't have that much self confidence. Merlin was now lying looking satisfied on Arthurs couch. He stretched his legs as far as he could and told him happily that Arthurs couch was longer than his. Arthur wanted to ask if Merlin always slept on his couch but he didn't dare to. Arthurs evening had been an emotional roller coaster and it was late for him. He fell asleep knowing Merlin was sleeping just two meters apart from him. He wished Merlin would sleep there every night.

Merlin felt calm but oddly awake. He breathed in the smell of Arthurs room. The smell was fresh and made him feel freshened unlike his own room (which existence he tried his hardest to forget). With his mood high he even let himself remember how Arthur had looked standing just half a meter apart from him without any shirt. How his chest muscles had looked like, Merlin really did enjoy Arthurs body type, and how his chest hair were blond like his hair and oh God, how hot the trail of also blond hair coming from Arthurs pants forming a triangle up to his navel was… Hmm... how nice would it to see Arthur play football without any shirt on…

Merlins head was a bit cloudy still from the wine and he blamed that for his lack of self control. He had actually just knocked Arthurs door and without saying anything at all he had stared at his bare chest. 'I have to make sure not to drink in front of Arthur. Ever again.' He thought and hoped that Arthurs momentary embarrassment wasn't caused by his staring. But in the end Arthur had been normal and Merlin had managed to make him laugh with ease. With Arthur he was most self conscious and most carefree, most happy and felt most hurt. Arthur made him feel stronger about every little thing. He made normal things fun and his world a bit brighter place to be. Merlin wished so much that he could be normal. He wished that he could be some of those girls who clearly only watched football matches because there they could ogle at Arthur.

He breathed in Arthurs scent from the cushion and he couldn't help himself from thinking that maybe even this had some good sides to it. Even if someday he would have to watch Arthur get a girlfriend, to get married, a family...

Merlin didn't really remember when he fell asleep but he saw pleasant dreams and when he woke up in the morning he felt well rested and surprisingly not sore. He realised that it must be that he could for a change sleep his legs straight. He could hear Arthur showering and Merlin decided that it was his time to leave. He seriously didn't want to take the risk of blushing and staring and God knows what first thing in the morning.

When he was back in his room, it didn't seem so bad anymore. It felt colder and emptier with Arthur not there, but that was all. Merlin went to his bathroom and drank some water. He was crazy thirsty. Then he also took a shower he had missed last night and made his way to downstairs where his mother was reading a book in the living room. He ate his breakfast and then moved to the couch to talk with his mother. He hadn't done that in a long time and his mother seemed to enjoy having her son talking with her. Merlin felt guilty for not spending time with her more often.

They had talked for a long while before Arthur came downstairs to have a breakfast. He seemed a bit tired and didn't speak much to either of them. Merlin felt a little disappointment at that but when his mother proposed they took a walk in the garden Merlin decided not to ruin this nice weekend.

* * *

Arthur had woken up quite early considering that he had gotten to bed so late. The first thing he thought was Merlin and Arthur turned to his side and breathed in relieve when he saw Merlin still sleeping on his couch. His head was on the windows side so Arthur couldn't see much else than a pile of blankets, but the quiet sound of Merlin breathing in and out evenly made Arthur think that he was sleeping soundly. Arthur lied there facing Merlins direction for almost an hour drifting in between wake and asleep before he decided that he could as well get up and make up something he could do with Merlin if he was going to stare him sleeping anyway.

When Arthur sat up on his bed he realised that he felt a bit icky. He had missed shower yesterday after all. Merlin wouldn't mind if he took a shower right? Arthur tried to move as quietly as he could and he managed to close his bathroom door without a sound but he hesitated a bit when he was supposed to turn the water on. Eventually he still decided to take the damn shower, if Merlin was tired, he would not wake up on something like a sound of running water. That much Arthur was sure of.

When Arthur exited his bathroom, Merlin was nowhere to be seen. His blanket and pillow were also gone, so Arthur detuced that Merlin had gone to have a breakfast. It was alright, Arthur kind of needed a bit time for himself before starting a new day he would have to hide his true feelings for the said boy.

On a moments impulse Arthur locked his door and walked to his couch. He still only had his towel on and he really didn't want to explain to Merlin why he was strolling around his room half naked and hugging his couch pillows… Which was exactly what he was planing to do. Arthurs father was hopefully at work right now and Hunith wouldn't come to his room. Merlin was the only (and worst) risk of popping in, but he wouldn't tell on Arthur even if his door was locked.

Arthur sat on his couch and laid down the same way Merlin had slept on it. Merlins scent lingered and Arthur relaxed to the soft cushions at once. He snuggled to the warmth the fabric gave him and he imagined Merlin sleeping there just few minutes ago. He could almost imagine Merlins body heat lingering in the cushions.

Arthur didn't usually think thoughts like this, but now his imagination was taking him for a ride. He imagined how Merlin would feel against him, how he would feel in his arms, how he looked like without shirt… without clothes at all. Maybe in only a towel like Arthur was himself at the moment. Arthur felt his face heat slightly at the thought and soon after, some other areas as well.

It wasn't like Arthur had never masturbated in his life, but it was just that most of the time he didn't feel any real need to it. And never had he done that before thinking of someone he knew. It had just been some general ideas and well… But now he had a very specific situation in his mind. He imagined Merlin there, with him, lying on the couch with only a towel on. He would be snuggling to Arthurs arms, making himself comfortable. He would then rise his gaze to meet Arthurs eyes and he would smile… yes, that smile… Arthur closed his eyes and pictured Merlins smile in front of him. It would soon turn a bit shy… or maybe a bit teasing? Arthur had no idea of how Merlin would behave, but he knew that what ever Merlins reaction was, it would be so very Merlin and it would make Arthurs heart miss a beat.

Merlins hand would then trail to Arthurs waits… or maybe to his tights? Arthur trailed lover on his body not letting go of this imagination-Merlin. Just for now… Arthur would pull himself together when he left his room. Merlin would undo Arthurs towel and he would trail his slender fingers trough Arthurs pubic hair. Arthur made a soft gasp when he finally took his erection into his hand. Merlin would surely chuckle at him softly for that and look a bit amused. Not insultingly so, just with good humour. Arthur realised he was smiling too.

While Merlin would touch Arthur, Arthur would let his hand wander under Merlins towel. He would find Merlins erection and he would undo Merlins towel to see it better. To his loss, Arthur knew he had no real memory of how Merlin looked down there. Or even how he looked without shirt nowadays. It just had been so long Merlin had let anyone see him change and he had seemed to avoid any situation he would have to be without long-sleeved shirt and long pants like a plague. Even his mother had failed to take him to swim last summer. At the lack of real knowledge, Arthur let his imagination fill the caps and he concentrated on the things he was more familiar with. Like how would Merlins voice sound if he whispered something in Arthurs ear or how Arthur could bury his nose in Merlins short hair.

It didn't take long for Arthur to feel his climax nearing and he quickly thought something he would want to come for. Merlin… Merlin would be also enjoying himself and oh, God… How would Merlin look like when he was hot like that, in Arthurs arms, ready to come himself… He would pant Arthurs name and he would tell he was coming… That set Arthur over the edge and fast. He had barely time to move his towel in the way before he made a mess to his couch.

His orgasm rode him for a long while. There was this haze that blurred Arthurs sense of surrounding and he was completely relaxed in a way he didn't remember being before. But still too soon the reality made itself known and when Arthur opened his eyes, he was painfully aware that Merlin was not there next to him. And what came next was worse. What Arthur had imagined, wasn't real and could never be real. He felt shame. How offended Merlin would be if he ever got wind of Arthurs fantasies and how much seeing that would hurt…

Suddenly Arthur felt tired. Some of it was surely because of the masturbation, but there was also this sadness that washed over Arthur. He really was hopeless in his love, wasn't he? He knew that many said that he could get any girl he wanted because he was the captain of the football team, but here he was, suffering from unrequited love and he knew that it wouldn't bring him any comfort even if every girl and boy in his school had wanted him if none of them was Merlin.

Arthurs eyes felt heavy and he closed them slowly feeling it too hard of a battle to keep them open. He could sleep for a moment now couldn't he? Arthur turned to his side throwing the now soiled towel to the floor. He would pick it up later. Arthur wondered briefly if he should put some kind of alarm to wake him up, but without any clothes and his back and hair still damp, he would wake up in no time anyway, so he just closed his eyes and let the last of Merlins scent that lingered comfort him to sleep.

When Arthur woke up only fifteen minutes later, he was cold and still tired. He made himself to stand up nor the less and take some clothes and unlock his door. Merlin was downstairs with his mother talking animately and blissfully not aware what was going trough Arthurs head right now. They greeted Arthur too happily and looking too bright and so Arthur just mainly muttered something at them before opening their fridge to find something to eat. His father wasn't home, he had left to some meeting hours ago, just like Arthur had thought he had.

After a while Merlin and his mother disappeared to the garden and Arthur was left alone. He let his head fall to the table softly. He would have to get hang of himself soon. He had promised he would act normal the moment he unlocked his door, but still here he was, feeling sorry for himself. 'Maybe this is the meaning of being in a closet? Having to leave feelings behind closed doors...' Arthur mused. It was a sad thought.

Arthur glanced at his half finished breakfast. This was going nowhere. Arthur stood up, threw the rest of his food to the bin and moved back to his room. He would go out and play football. The exercise would keep his mind off of things he had no control over and better his mood.

When Arthur had changed to his football gear, he looked at his closed door again. This time he managed to leave his feelings in his room and when he walked to the gardens where Merlin was sitting on a bench with Hunith, he felt that he could do this. Yes, this was what he was supposed to do. Work hard and keep his mind straight around his best friend. With these thoughts he started his warm up.

* * *

Merlin walked out with Hunith and they talked about the garden and how nice it was that summer was nearing. Hunith told him about her school and spring exams that she had decided to pass with good marks so she could apply for a summer job in a hospital. "It would be just a trainee position but I could learn so much more by working." She was excited and Merlin felt a bit jealous the she had something she could be so excited about, but didn't want to let it show. Merlin also told this and that about his school but nothing too personal or interesting which just made his mother ask for more. His mother also commented how she liked Merlins new style, she liked the colours she said. Merlin saw a hint of laughter in her eyes when she said that so he wasn't entirely sure if she thought that he looked good or that he looked funny with them. But it didn't matter, Merlin was fine either way.

They finally sat down on a bench that had been taken under the tree just last week. There was a nice view if one happened to like looking at big pompous houses and overly neat gardens. Merlin wasn't one of those people anymore.

"So… Tell me about the party last night. I heard when you came home, but I didn't want to interrupt your evening." Hunith smiled at him brightly and Merlin tried not to look uncomfortable. Of course his mother hadn't been asleep, she wouldn't have gone to sleep without making sure they came back safe. "It was fun, I needed some time with my friends…" He was again being vague but there really wasn't any change of truth in this story. "I would like to meet this Gwen someday." Hunith kept smiling at him and Merlin saw where this was going, he had heard this one before. "Yeah, she is nice, you would like her. Maybe I can invite her and her boyfriend over someday…" It wasn't like he would invite Lance here but he hoped that his message was clear enough.

Hunith blinked but didn't let her opinion on the statement show and just continued smiling. "Isn't her brother also Arthurs friend?" She continued. "Yes, they both are in the football team." Merlin was starting to feel that his mother had a direction she wanted to take this conversation. She had always been like that and when once Merlin had been proud to have a mother who could know what he was thinking even before he himself knew, now it made him more uncomfortable by the second.

"I see… So tell me more about him, is he also your friend? How is he like?" Merlin looked at his mother a bit cautiously. He had no idea of where this was going. "Yeah, he's my friend too... He's Gwens older brother but he seems like the little brother most of the time when Gwen is around at least." Hunith made a sound that indicated that she was listening and wanted to know more. "Uh, he's really good friends with Arthur, he was the one who always drove Arthur home before he got his own car." "Oh I remember him, he seemed like a nice lad." Hunith smiled at Merlin and Merlin, even if still confused, smiled a little. It was nice that his mother liked his friends.

Encouraged by this Merlin felt a need to describe Elyan more to his mother. "Yes he is, and you know their family is not very well off so their father works all the time and Elyan has a job too. I guess it's natural that we are friends..." He didn't have to say 'because we used to be poor' to his mother, he knew that she understood. "I feel that too. It's easier to talk with my school friends than Uthers friends wives. Don't tell that I said this, but they live in such a bubble that sometimes I feel like they should all move amongst regular people just to see that there is life outside heaps of money." Merlin laughed at this. It was true. He too couldn't take the stuck up snobby attitude which was not uncommon in his school. Especially those whose families had old money.

"Yes, tell me about that! Oh what I would give to get Vivian to move to our old home for even a week... She would blow up on sheer frustration!" Merlin chuckled at the image of Vivians face while seeing his old home. Oh, and understanding that there was no hot water! That would be hilarious.

"Vivian? Sir Olafs daughter?" Hunith asked and looked at Merlin surprise written all over her face. Merlin got more serious immediately. He had forgotten for a second there that he never really mentioned Vivian to his mother or no-one while inside this house. He had his reasons. First being that Merlin didn't want Uther to know anything more than he already knew about his friends, things had taken such a bad turn with him knowing about Gwen and Elyan after all. Second being that he really didn't want Uther to talk about him to Olaf who still (at least Merlin assumed) believed that Merlin had a girlfriend. He seriously didn't want that to spread. Also if Uther or Merlins mother would correct him, there would be a hell to pay for at least Vivian and possibly to Merlin too from Olafs behalf. What Merlin had gathered from Arthur and Vivian, he wasn't the most rational man when it came to his only daughter.

"Uh, mm, yes. She sometimes eats with us... She's Gwens friend." He knew he sounded awkward and he was sure that his mother could hear it. "How is she like? I have only seen her couple of times and I have not spoken with her much..." 'That is probably for the best...' Merlin thought before answering "She is... different. And she is always herself, there is no such force in this world that could make her do something just to please others." He tried to be diplomat. He didn't want to say anything bad about his friend even if she wasn't here to hear about that. And what he had said was true. Vivian was very stubborn and that often turned into rude and that mostly threw people off, but Merlin could admire her strenght to stay indifferent to what people said about her. While hanging out, Merlin had learned to read Vivian more easily and she wasn't that bad actually when you got to know her. If he didn't think that, they wouldn't hang out at all.

"Those sound like good qualities... Tell me, is she by any chance vegetarian?" Hunith continued. Merlin looked at her a bit surprises, that was quite a leap but his mother was right. "Um, yes... why?" "Oh nothing, I just thought that maybe one of your friends was a vegetarian too... " She said with a light tone. "Yes, well, she eats fish too, but she was the one that got me thinking you know, she can be very convincing." Merlin didn't look at his mother while saying this, so he missed his mothers knowing smile. "Maybe we could invite her over some day too?" Hunith asked nonchalantly not wanting to embarrass her son, but Merlin still reacted very strongly.

"No! I mean really no need and her father is very... well you have met Olaf! He wouldn't let Vivian come alone anyway... and I see her at school every day, that's enough." Merlin was flustered and he was stammering a bit. Hunith nodded slowly at her son. Now she understood what Uther had meant when he had said that Merlin was very uncomfortable of talking about this. Hunith decided to not force the subject on Merlin, but she was very happy that she had heard at least this much. And now she knew something that Uther hadn't been able to get an answer from her son, who Merlin had a crush on. And it indeed was a girl... It was just a bit sad that Merlin seemed to feel that her father was that big of an obstacle in between them. Or maybe Merlin had unconsciously chosen a girl who wasn't available that way...?

"So, what do you usually talk about other than animal rights with her?" She tried to get to know more without giving away what she suspected. "We don't talk about animal rights, we mostly talk about books." Merlin said still a bit flusterd but calming down. That was true, Vivian had tried when Merlin had stopped eating meat, but she had learned fast that Merlin was not at all more interested of the subject than he had been before. Which was not at all interested. The only thing he had been interested of was that many candies contained gelatine and Vivian knew by heart every candy that did not.

"Books? Does she read a lot?" Hunith wanted to know. "Oh yes, it was a surprise at first but we have quite a similar taste in literature." This was easier. It was liberating to tell honestly somethings to his mother. And now that they were in neutral topics Merlin had no problem just telling the truth. And when Merlin managed to look at his mothers eyes again, he saw that she too enjoyed talking like this with him.

That was when Arthur walked in the garden a football under his arm. He went straight to his little field and started his warm up routine Merlin could recognice anywhere. Hunith waved at him when he looked at their direction and Arthur waved back. Merlin could imagine him grinning. He was quite sure that Arthur enjoyed how Hunith acknowledged him in a silent way. Very much unlike his father did.

"He really works hard all the time…" Hunith commented and Merlin made an annoyed sound. Of course he knew that and that was something he loved about Arthur, but it was not like he would tell that to his mother. "Oh you know that I think you work very hard too… In my opinion even too hard these days." Merlin looked at his mother a bit amused. Yeah ok, that was what he was supposed to feel at the comment, but it really wasn't that he was working hard for any purpose like Arthur did.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll go outside more and get some exercise as long as you don't tell that to Arthur, he will make me his practice dummy again." He didn't want another lecture from his mother about him being in his room too much. "Speaking of Arthur, I'm clad that you two get along so well nowadays." Merlin had not waited this, but well... it was true, two years ago they didn't fit even in the same room but now… just yesterday Arthur had told him that Merlin was his best friend.

Still hearing his mother talk about it made Merlin a bit sad. "Mmm, we get along alright when he's not trying to kill me for making fingerprints on his precious car…" He tried to hide whatever feelings tried to surface by joking about it. Sarcasm had always been his way to cope and he was clad that he still had his humour.

"I think it's more than that, Merlin. He really seems to care about you…" Hunith was still looking at Arthurs direction and Merlin could hear that while she was serious, she didn't mean anything strange by it. Still Merlin was slowly getting farther and farther from his comfort zone. "Haha, I'm just someone he has to bear living with." He turned his gaze away and laughed a little to make the mood lighter. But Hunith then turned to look straight into her sons eyes "Give him more credit than that. He likes you. I see it, he really wanted to go yesterday with you." She only had kindness in her eyes. "I don't know…" Merlin replied but in his mind he thought 'That's because he doesn't know me.' He started to feel sad again and when he turned to look at his mother again he wondered if it showed because Hunith looked at him with sympathy now.

"You don't really believe that, do you?" Merlin had to blink at his mothers words. He hadn't said his last thought out loud had he? Hunith smiled encouragingly at him and gave a little kiss on his forehead. Merlin jokingly pushed her away and their conversation moved back to lighter topics. Soon Merlin concluded that she had just answered to his melancholy, not to his actual words or thoughts, but in this case, it didn't matter. Merlin felt calmer and more free now that he had been able to catch up with his mother. It felt like when it had been just them. He felt that he had someone on his side. That he wasn't alone. That maybe his mother would continue loving him. That maybe someday she would still be his mother even if he told her he was gay… The rest he wasn't so sure about and he wasn't strong enough to try out his relationship with her now. He was just happy that they had something they could talk about and that the weather was nice and his mother was happy.

After a while Arthur yelled at Merlin to come play with him and Merlin went. He said something about having to entertain the prat to his mother who laughed at him and told him to go already.

Merlin and Arthur then played some and Arthur made him try to stop him from making a goal. Hunith went to get herself a book and came back to read to the garden. She smiled and waved at then couple of times and Merlin tried not to imagine her smiling every time he came in contact with Arthur. Luckily there wasn't any time to blush or feel too self conscious when Arthur was running towards him with full speed or kicking balls at him.

In the end they were both dirty and tired and Merlin wasn't sure he could make the stairs when they finally finished. "Do you always have to be so extreme? I'm surprised if by tomorrow I don't have a ball shaped hole in my body…" Arthur just laughed at him and hit Merlin on the back which almost made him loose his balance. "You wouldn't survive a day in the real practice." He teased Merlin and laughed again. "Imagine yourself why I'm not in the team…" Merlin grumbled light heartedly as they walked inside.

They had to move quickly once they were in the house, the lunch was almost ready and for once Merlin was actually hungry and wanted to eat. He managed to make the stairs and take a quick shower and change clean clothes in 15 minutes which was somewhat amazing with his current soreness. He even made it downstairs before Arthur. That was practically a miracle.

After Arthur came downstairs few minutes later Merlin could make fun of him for being slow and the face Arthur made was worth him getting hundred footballs kicked at him. The lunch went well and the whole day went well. Merlin was feeling more whole and well and brave that he had felt for a long time. He was now happy that he had told Arthur about the wine. His heart felt a little bit lighter with one secret less and he really had needed that time in Arthurs car and the time with his mother too.

The only thing that dimmed his great feeling was when Arthur reminded him that he had been sick, because he had told that to Gwen on the phone. Merlin didn't like that he had to lie to his good friend and that he had made Arthur lie too, but he decided to be stronger next time and not make Gwen more trouble. That was the only thing he could do for now. When he went to sleep that night, he felt cozy and warm and he decided to take Arthur to meet Gwaine and Gaius the next time he went. He couldn't wait for wednesday to come.

* * *

A/N This chapter is somewhat interesting for me to read because the scene in Arthurs car was the first one I wrote and the stuff about Arthurs morning was the last thing I wrote before starting to publish. I also re-wrote Merlins and Huniths conversation after I had written about Huniths thoughts in chapter 14... Thank you all for reading! See you on monday with a chapter called 'Kiss'! (Have a nice weekend thinking what it's gonna be about :3)

And you dear, lovely people who again left me amazing comments, extra thank you for you all! I had such a good time again reading your comments and questions!

Skypeoplephoenix732 Gaius and Gwaine are my favourites too after Merlin :) About selling the wine... Gwaine is that kind of a person that thinks that it's alright to brake the rules a little and test ones limits while young. And he thinks Merlin is smart enough not to do anything too stupid (unlike himself). And at least he didn't say 'well, if you want to get waisted, here is some tequila'. I myself like wine, but I had never drank straigh from a bottle, but when I was writing that scene, I tried that too :D It's funny how it affects to the taste...

mersan123 I'm so sorry! The worst is still on it's way... but I really promise that this all will have a happy ending! Oh, I wish that you could indeed just take Merlin away from there... Btw, I have a character, Susan, who is Huniths school friend. She is mainly mentioned but she will pop in the story briefly at some point, she has a husband and children (Hunith sometimes babysits them), but I have not decided on how many children and on what ages... Would you like to be my model for her? Then you kind of could pamper Merlin a bit :) Gaius and Gwaine really are forming a support arrond him slowly but steadily, they are one of the key ingredients for that happy ending I promised you, I'm glad that you have liked them so far :)

Angel Dove1 That was the best comment I could have hoped for the last chapter! I'm very pleased to hear that I wasn't predictable with my choises of roles for Gwaine and Gaius and I hope that I will be able to surprice you with both of them at least one more time :) And yep, Uther is controlling. When I was writing this part of the story, I actually started to wonder 'how come Uther hasn't checked what happens in Merlins account...?' and after wondering that for a while, I had to write it down. And yay! I'm unpredictable! :D Best compliment ever!

LordOfTehRainbow I'll be looking forward to your reviews! I was actually a bit pleased myself how I managed to fit Gaius and Gwaine in this story so I'm very happy to hear that you think so too! I haven't actually written a whole much about Elyan, but he will be there now and then, mostly at the end. He was a bit quiet in the show too so that's the way he is in my story. And I don't think you are 'not good with words' at all, your review was very easy to read for me and I thought that you had very good questions :) Also that I can answer something to you all makes me feel like we are having a very interesting conversation, I'm glad that it is seen as a good thing rather than me babling something alone here... I'll see if I can get a little bit more time for Elyan!

8OrangeMatilda8 Yes! I am angry too, that's why I started to write this story, I hope it could raise even if just a little bit awareness... Child abuse is a problem that is hard to notice and the estimations are all over the place. I think there is a major hole in the system and we need to educate our children better. And not just that parents should for those parents that allow the abuse surely won't do that, but in schools and campains that tell these stuff to children and youth with their own level. We can't just hope that if we don't tell our children this stuff it will just dissappear. The name of this story comes from a estimation that 1 of every 6 boys in USA have been sexually abused before they turn 18. (The same number for girls is 1 of 4) Not cool.

EssieScrawls That I could make you feel so strongly about a scene is a huge compliment for me, wow! And yeah, it feels wrong when Uther is being nice... Somehow it would be easier if nasty people were just totaly horrible and never nice, but well, real life and all that. I actually have a profile for Uther that explains his behaviour even if it's not mentioned in the story, maybe I could put it in authors notes when the time is right... And about the number of chapters, this story is already mostly written and when I made the original chapters there were 31. But then I realised that some of them were like 30 000 words long and I am doing a major rearragenment. So at least 31, but I would say about 40, maybe...

burliana91 That's so nice to hear :) Even if at this point I'm not entirely sure if I write the characters or if they write themselves...

Blood Thirsty Angle Oh my God! It's so good to have your review! It is after all you, who inspired me to write my own story. Arthur is not easy to write, he has given me the hardest time I swear. Our stories are very different and I'm so happy that you liked my version :) And, you were my 50th review! How fitting!


	20. Chapter 20 - Kiss

On monday Merlin told Gwen that he was much better and Gwen told him that she could see it and that she was so sorry for not realising that he had been feeling unwell "I should have noticed, of course, you were so under the weather before weekend and all… " Merlin didn't want to make her regret for not noticing something that wasn't actually there so he tried to cheer her up by telling her that even he himself hadn't noticed he was sick so how could she? This made Gwen smile at him again and they spend the rest of their free time talking about Lance.

Apparently Lance had asked her to have some coffee with her which was certainly a development to their very ground zero 'dates' where they had mostly been on the school grounds or with ever so clueless Elyan present and the only thing apart from talking they had done was play football. After Merlin had appologised to Lance it had seemed that Lance had gotten a little bit closer to Gwen. Merlin was alright with that and he had come to trust Lance. As far as he could see, Lance really didn't have any indecent plans and he had taken care that they were always in a place where Gwen couldn't be alone or too late or feel uncomfortable. And while Lance was older, it didn't feel like there was unbalance between them. Gwen was more mature than most of the population on their age and she could speak for herself. She was strong like that which Merlin found he was a bit jealous of.

When Merlin arreived home, his mother had once again gone to her internship. There was nothing he could do about that. Uther came to his room at night and Merlin sucked him off. He vomited and drank the rest of his wine after that. There wasn't much but with his stomach empty it really went to his head. Fast. He ended up giggling to himself after he had cried for a while. He hid the empty bottle into his bag to throw away in the morning and then he slept.

In the morning his throat was sore and he was again really thirsty and he came to the conclusion it had something to do with the wine. This time Merlin fetched the biggest glass from the kitchen he could find and bought it to his bathroom. Another thing he would need in the future that he didn't want to think of. But he was clad that his bottom was fine and his muscles only ached from his football kicking and running. It was a pleasant pain. He felt alright and when Uther never came the second night even if his mother was away, Merlin felt brave enough to ask Arthur to come with him to meet Gwaine and Gaius. Arthur was excited. They quickly asked Gwen to cover for them before the class and she agreed to do it if they would tell her more later. They both promised and with that they almost ran off.

Merlin was all chatter on their way and Arthur enjoyed this happy and excited Merlin very much. He was even happier knowing he was part of the reason. He had helped Merlin by letting him cut class and he was here now with him. And Merlin had told him Arthur was his best friend. When they arrived to the street Gwaines shop was, Merlin pointed at it "There it is!" Arthur was surprised. He had waited to go to someones home or some cafe or something but to a small grocery shop? What did he know…

The store seemed empty when they walked in and Arthur just watched Merlin in awe when he walked straight next to a small counter and kicked something behind it. That something made a sound that resembled someone saying 'ouch' while eating a pillow. Merlin backed few steps and to Arthurs surprise someone indeed rose to stand behind the counter. He had unruly hair and by the look of his clothing, even if they were quite normal shop clerk clothes, he was a very laid back person. His top buttons were open and his apron was loosely tied on his waist. That, plus he had just crawled from the floor of his supposed woking place. Arthur also noted that he was quite handsome… That didn't make him too happy.

"Merlin. How do you do today?" Gwaine greeted him like he hadn't just been kicked and leaned to the counter an amused smile playing on his lips. "Fine. I wanted you to meet Arthur. Arthur, this is Gwaine." He beamed at him and Gwaine looked a bit surprised. Arthur was quite sure that he was still so much asleep that he hadn't even noticed him until Merlin had pointed him out. "Oohh, so this is the famous Arthur. I'm finally able to meet your boyfriend then." Gwaine replied to that with a tone that Arthur associated to children talking about new candy stores.

Merlin blushed darkly faster than Arthur could even make the meaning of Gwaines words into his consciousness. Arthur also blushed hoping he didn't look as obvious about it than Merlin. "No! He's my brother!" Merlin waved his arms to Gwaines direction like he was an over sized fly that needed to get smacked aside. "I told you that before!" Gwaine just laughed at Merlins angry tone, but Arthur had already passed his blush and wasn't happy with the word 'brother'.

"Step-brother." He had to correct. Merlin didn't seem to notice but Gwaine turned his eyes to look at Arthurs without turning his head and he smiled at him. Arthur wasn't sure if he imagined it but for a moment he thought that Gwaine winked at him. Then he quickly turned his eyes back to Merlin who was ranting something about Gwaine being an ass. The whole moment was over so quickly that Arthur wasn't even sure if it had really happened.

Gwaine rose his hands in defeat "Ok, ok, please stop yelling at my store, my old man does it more than enough." Merlin mumbled something about how there must be a reason for that too causing Gwaine to smirk again "And besides you are making your _step-brother_ here uncomfortable." Merlin turned to point Gwaine with his finger "That was you!" Arthur found it hard not to laugh. He decided that he kind of liked this Gwaine character after all.

They spend about half an hour in the shop Gwaine asking Arthur this and that and making jokes about Merlin and himself. Arthur soon could see that Merlin and Gwaine got along because they had a similar sense of humour. Arthur laughed more than he had in the previous week and both Merlin and Gwaine seemed to enjoy that. In a way they were both people who needed someone as an audience to be funny.

They chose some carrot cake to bring for Gaius and Merlin insisted that Arthur tried one of Gwain's sandwiches. "Merlin likes that one." Gwaine commented when Arthur had hard time choosing between chicken and roast beef. Arthur looked at him confused "Merlin doesn't eat meat…" Gwaine blinked but noticed Merlin making a cross with his hands behind Arthur's back and he got the message. "Oh, I thought that you were looking at the mozzarella one… Then how about the roast beef? I happen to like it." To Merlins relief Gwaine was very smooth and Arthur agreed to try the roast beef one. It was Merlins favourite…

When they exited the store Merlin made Gwaine an apologetic face and Gwaine nodded at him and waved like it was nothing. Merlin could explain this to him next time…

The walk to Gaius' house was soon over. Arthur commented Gwaine on their way and Merlin was happy that Arthur seemed to like him too. "My father would never let him even to our doorstep… I understand now why you didn't tell anyone…" Merlin had to agree on that. Actually that was the closest reason that he could tell Arthur why he was skipping class so frequently. He would never get permission to see Gwaine or Gaius even if he even dared to ask to leave the house.

"But you could have told me…" Arthur continued with a bit quieter voice. Merlin felt regret for not saying anything to Arthur before. Like his mother had told him: 'give him more credit than that'. He would have to remember that in the future. "Thanks." He said instead and Arthur looked a bit taken aback and blushed lightly "It's nothing… just so you know." Merlin smiled and pointed ahead. "It's just around that corner."

When Merlin rang Gaius' doorbell, Arthur felt nervous. He didn't know what to expect and Merlin hadn't told him much. It was Merlin's voice, it was always so certain when he had mentioned Gaius (which was like two or three times…) like Gaius was a well known concept that Arthur hadn't known what to ask. When the door opened and it revealed an old man with longish white hair and stern look on his face Arthur had to take a step back. Whatever he had been waiting to see, Gaius was nothing like that.

Gaius' face brightened the moment he saw who it was "Oh! Merlin, come on in! Who is this with you?" Merlin smiled at him and gave him the carrot cake. "This is Arthur… I have mentioned him to you before." Gaius looked at Arthur from under his eyebrows and nodded. "Come in, I'll put a kettle on." With that he disappeared inside and Merlin followed him. Arthur followed him slowly and saw an apartment full of bookshelves and books. The place was very clean and looked organised in a way that the owner knew exactly where everything was but for a stranger it would take a decade to find anything at all.

Merlin went up to (supposedly) kitchen and motioned Arthur to sit on the table. Arthur did that and kept looking around until Merlin came down carrying a tray of three cups and plates and spoons and a tea pot while Gaius followed him with the carrot cake. Merlin set the tray on the table and moved to get another chair. "So I have heard that you are Merlins step brother?" Gaius clearly was interested in him and Arthur felt that he wanted to make this person like him. "Yes. Our parents married about one year ago…" it still didn't make this subject any more fun for him but he could be polite. Gaius nodded "It's not so long ago then." Arthur wanted to scream 'yes!' to that but he just nodded. "So… I also hear that you play football." Arthur found Gaius very easy to talk to and with Merlin added to the mix Arthur wished he could also come every week.

The tea ran out soon and Gaius said to Merlin "Go put the kettle on again, Merlin you know where everything is. There is also some pork in the oven, care to check if it's ready?" Merlin took the pot and disappeared upstairs. The stairs were steep and Arthur followed Merlin every step until he disappeared from sight.

When Arthur turned his head to look at Gaius again, Gaius was looking him intensely. "You seem to care about Merlin a lot…" That wasn't a question and Arthur felt very transparent under Gaiuses gaze. His other eyebrow didn't rise fully and that made his stare quite intimidating even when he was smiling. "Mmm… I just, well he can be really clumsy at times…" Arthur instantly thought that Gaius was referring to him watching Merlin just now and after he had said the sentence he mentally kicked himself. 'Caring' could mean an awful lot of things and Arthur might have just given something away with his comment.

Gaius didn't seem to notice but he laughed "Ha! Tell me about it! I'm not sure how my home is still standing with Merlin is helping me around!" Arthur laughed at this and relaxed again. From the clean state of the house, Arthur could tell Gaius was joking and he continued the joke by telling about something Merlin had done at their home. Remembering Merlin letting a whole bag of footballs fall on the stairs of their house bought fond smile to his lips and Gaius didn't miss that.

"I have to admit that I was a bit disappointed when Merlin showed up with you today, but I see why he speaks so fondly about you, my boy." Gaius' words made Arthur concentrate on him and he was about to ask a question but Gaius beat him to it. "I kind of felt that these meetings with Merlin was our special thing, I have grown fond of his stupid face." He smiled and Arthur had to smile at him too. "But now he bought you here and with how much he has been talking about you, I cannot help but think he thinks very highly about you, Arthur."

Arthur didn't know what to respond to that. Gaius seemed to him like he really cared and that he knew something that even Arthur didn't know yet about himself. "I- Merlin isn't really like a brother to me…" He wasn't sure why he was taking the conversation to this direction but for some reason he felt… trust? friendship? respect? towards this old man. Gaius nodded at him and smiled a little to Arthur giving him a signal to continue. "I mean, I have had a sister and… It's not the same, I mean I…" He wanted to get the message to Gaius but he couldn't say the words he wanted.

Gaius waited patiently but in the end Arthur just lowered his gaze "sorry…" he mumbled. He was sorry for two reasons, for not being brave enough to tell what was in his mind and for having these indecent thoughts in the first place. "It's alright, my boy. Just know that for a lonely old man like me, it's just a pleasure to have someone to visit me now and then so feel free to come any time you'd like. With Merlin or without."

Arthur then felt something he had never felt before in his life. Something he would years later refer as a feelings for a parent or fond relative. He felt accepted by someone older and wiser. His father had never been understanding so Arthur didn't know how he should have reacted at the time. Luckily he didn't have to because Merlin was coming down with the tea pot and somehow Gaius managed to look like they had been just talking about trivial things and soon their conversation flowed again.

Too soon they had to go. Arthur didn't really want to leave but he had his football practice and they had to be at school soon anyway. Gaius had offered them the pork and potatoes but Arthur had declined for both of them "We just ate some sandwiches and besides Merlin couldn't eat anyway…" This was the second time today that Merlin being a vegetarian was bought up and it seemed a bit too much of a coincidence for Arthur but not enough to actually ask Merlin about that right now, but maybe when they were home? "Oh, really?" Gaius had raised his eyebrows at Merlin.

Arthur wished they could return soon and he even asked Gaius if they could come with his car someday after school. Gaius seemed pleased to that and told them it would be better if they didn't have to skip school for him. Arthur promised to make some time and took Gaiuses phone number. (He was surprised Merlin didn't have it in his phone, but Merlin just brushed it of telling him that he knew it by heart). They had to walk quite quickly to reach the school in time and the whole time they were talking. Merlin seemed hyper because Arthur liked his new friends and Arthur felt like he was floating because he liked Merlin's new friends and now he really could be sure that he wasn't dating anyone.

Their good mood however evaporated as soon as they reached the school. First they saw some of their classmates in the hall and all looked at them with a strange look in their eyes and soon they saw Gwen looking horrified. "I'm so sorry! I-" but she had to close her mouth when she saw Uther coming down the hall.

Merlin froze and Arthur felt the trouble from here to the moon. Uther stopped in front of their history teacher. Geofrey talked with him awhile and pointed at Merlins and Arthurs direction. Arthur knew they were in deep trouble but when he turned to look at Merlin, Merlin was something else. He was pale and he looked petrified. Like he had seen the death himself. "Merlin, Arthur! Come here this instant!" Uther's command could have frozen the whole hall if there was anyone there anymore. To their classmates credit no-one had lingered around.

Arthur moved automatically but Merlin stayed frozen in his steps. Arthur had to pull his shoulder gently to make him move and after that Merlin moved like on autopilot. They stopped in front of very angry Uther. "I would like an explanation right now." He howled at them but from experience Arthur knew he shouldn't try to say anything at this point. He just hoped Merlin wouldn't try to do that either but his worry was in vain because Merlin couldn't have gotten any sound from his mouth let alone a protest. "I have just been told that you two weren't in the class and that Merlin haven't been in for many weeks now! Is this true?" Arthur saw Geofrey face from the corner of his eye and he realised that his history teacher must have asked from the class and someone had obviously told him of Merlins absence.

"I'm sorry. It won't happen again." He said. There was nothing else to say really. Uther turned his gaze to Merlin and Arthur wished he could say something, anything to protect Merlin from Uthers wrath but there really was nothing. 'I'll have to be there for Merlin, I have had to deal with father's temper all my life. Merlin isn't just used to it…' He tried to comfort himself. To him this was nothing too new but what broke his heart was to see how frightened Merlin was. He should have expected it, Hunith did seem someone who rather talked to one kindly than used an iron first of upbringing, like his father. Also Arthur had lied to his father for years now and gotten caught few times before, Merlin hadn't.

"So this was all your idea then." Uthers words were directed to Merlin and without thinking, Arthur protested "father!" but Uther silenced him with his holding his had up. "You have been cutting class and now you have made my son follow you. I will not tolerate this." Merlin still didn't say anything and Arthur felt like it would be better if he did.

When Merlin didn't reply, Uther huffed in frustration. "We will continue this at home. I apologise and I promise you, they both will attend to your class in the future." He directed the last words to Geofrey who nodded at him but didn't seem so angry anymore. If something, maybe he seemed a bit regretful. Maybe he hadn't expected Uther to make such a strong impact on them. Especially Merlin who still seemed pale and kept his eyes on the floor even when they walked to the parking lot.

"I have to go… my football practices…" Arthur was almost going to another direction when his father said "No you are not. You will come home this time." Arthur was shocked. He had been grounded before but his father had never let him miss practices because of that "But…" He started "No buts, you should have thought this before you went with this boy." Arthur didn't like the way his father referred Merlin and the way Merlin flinched made him actually clad he could go with them.

They all drove home Merlin in Uthers car and Arthur following with his car. He could see Merlins hunched shoulders all the way from his fathers back window and he wondered, was his father harsher to Merlin? He knew Merlin and for him to be so scared and look so… He didn't know what to call it. And the way his father addressed Merlin… like he was somehow on a lower level compared to Arthur, made Arthur angry. He had put up with his father before but him making Merlin suffer… it just hurt him on a different level he wasn't used to. He remembered when Uther had hit Morgana and he felt the same unjust now that he had felt then. Only now it was directed to Merlin and it made it even harder. He wondered if he had ever told his sister how he had felt that night and he became to the conclusion that he hadn't. No wonder Morgana never called him either, she must have thought that Arthur had found her punishment to be fair. He had to fix that someday but now he had to concentrate on Merlin first. Somehow Merlin always came first in his priority list.

As soon as they walked in, they met surprised Hunith in the living room. "Oh, you are all home already." She started but soon her surprise turned into worry. "Is everything alright?" Merlin kept his gaze on the floor when Uther started to tell her how Merlin had been cutting class and Arthur had gone with him today. The teacher had apparently noticed when two pupils were missing and after asking from the class someone had told him that they hadn't seen Merlin in the class in months. Uther was furious but collected and Hunith looked more worried by the second.

When Uther finished, she looked at Merlin "Is this true?" She asked and Merlin could only nod. Arthur also felt deeply ashamed. He had gone against Uthers will several times but now he knew he had done wrong and somehow Huniths concern made him regret his actions more than Uthers anger. Why hadn't he made a lie to his father of studying somewhere so they could have gone after school?

Hunith looked disappointed and demanded to know why, but Merlin just shook his head and remained mute "Answer to your mother's question!" Uther said with a quiet but stern voice, but Merlin just shook his head more stubbornly. Hunith tried to ask him questions like 'is everything all right?' or 'is someone bullying you?' or 'do you have somewhere you want to go?' but Merlin just kept shaking his head and remained quiet so finally Uther grounded them both for two weeks (not making much of a difference to Merlin who knew his punishment would come later in the night) and sent them to their rooms.

Arthur tried to catch Merlin's eyes on the way to encourage him silently but Merlin kept his eyes down and walked to his room before Arthur could do or say anything. In his room Arthur felt bad. He was worried of Merlin's feelings and he would have to cancel his 'study session' with Oliver and Erin next weekend when they were supposed to go to see a new movie Arthur had been waiting to see a long time now. But what really hurt him was the fact that this grounding wouldn't make much difference to Merlin. He only went out during history lessons and now that was definitely taken away from him. Arthur could take him to Gaius sometimes but they would have to make up an excuse for his father. How much Arthur had gotten used to his father he couldn't figure out if he would let Merlin meet with one old doctor who lived near their school. And in his life he couldn't find courage to start this conversation with his father. He just had to hope Merlin would be ok…

Merlin sat on his bed. He was scared and tense. He knew Uther would come tonight to 'talk' with him. He had done wrong and he would be punished. He felt cold sweat run on his forehead and he had trouble breathing. Would Uther handcuff him again? or would he slam into him so hard he would bleed again? or something new, something worse? Merlin didn't know and that made him scared. He wished he had bought some alcohol when he and Arthur had visited Gwaine. It wasn't like Arthur didn't know he drank now. And what was so wrong with it anyway? Many of his class mates were telling proudly how they had been drinking in parties and stuff…

The dinner was quiet by Uthers part and Merlin mostly tried to dodge every question his mother asked him in steady pace trying to get her son to open up to her and they both were growing more awkward and frustrated with every 'no' and 'mmm' and 'it's nothing' or 'I dodn't want to talk about it' Merlin threw at his mothers direction while keeping his eyes firmly on his food. Even Arthur was out of excuses so he too remained silent. At least he didn't tell Uther about Gwaine or Gaius. That much Merlin could appreciate.

After dinner Merlin shut himself to his room telling his mother to leave him alone while Uther was talking with Arthur. He couldn't consentrate on studing and he dreaded the night. The desperation was eating him alive and finally he just took his clothes off and lied to his bed. He could as well be ready and over with it sooner. He closed his eyes and imagined the sky he saw through Gaius' bushes.

* * *

Finally the night came and Uther opened his door. Merlin had almost drifted to sleep. It was very late. Uther must have waited until his wife was asleep too. Merlin didn't move and he closed his eyes tightly and waited. Uther shook him and pulled him out from under his blanket. The cold air hit Merlin and he saw Uther smirk satisfied to see him already naked. This made Merlin regret for a second taking his clothes of. Satisfied Uther made him feel uncomfortable.

"Put these on." Uther commanded him and threw a pair of handcuffs next to Merlin. Merlin felt his fears come true and he flinched away from them like seeing them had burnt. "I do not like to tell you twice…" Merlin heard the thread and he took the handcuffs in his hands. He was now shaking all over and opening them wasn't easy. "I wont tolerate this from you." Uther told him with a low voice straight to his ear and Merlin wanted to desperately explain that he wasn't being slow on purpose, but nothing but a whimper came out.

Soon Uther pushed him harshly to his stomach and pulled Merlins hands towards the bed end and Merlin had to close his eyes. He didn't want to look at his hand getting chained to his bed. As soon as Uther let go of his hands he tried to pull them towards himself. He knew it wouldn't help and that it would hurt but his subconscious didn't listen to reason. His instincts screamed him to run away, that he was trapped, that he had to get himself free and escape…

Of course it didn't help and he heard his nightstand drawer open and a cap pop. "Now you are making my son look bad also. I hope you understand that you will have to be punished." Merlin felt his blood freeze but he also knew that he had been expecting this. "I'll make you obey me." was the last thing Merlin heard before he was roughly pushed to his back. He had been handcuffed while laying on his stomach so turning him around made his wrist bent and the chain twist which made his movements even more restricted and painful. He breathed through his mouth now, his hands stretched to their max and his back arching. He was expecting the cold slick fingers when they touched his behind but he still flinched.

Uther slammed into him hard. He pounded in Merlin and he raises Merlins ass higher and pushed Merlins legs against his chest. It hurt and the position was embarrassing but Merlin thoughts were soon drifting. He couldn't see Gaius again. He couldn't see Gwaine, he couldn't go out alone, he couldn't buy any of Gwaines sandwiches or beer and he would again be alone. He felt tears run but no sound came from him. His wrists hurt. The handcuffs were rubbing his skin painfully and his arms were in a compromised position his lower body's weight completely on his back and neck. When Uther came inside of him, Merlin barely noticed.

After Uther had pulled out, he leaned to Merlin. Merlin sank with the touch. He didn't want Uther leaning on him. It felt dirty and unwanted. His skin was on fire where Uther touched him and he was getting angry.

"Kiss me." Uther whispered into his ear and Merlins anger evaporated. Instead he felt his heart shrink and he was mortified. He didn't want to kiss Uther. It was the last thing he had for himself. He couldn't, so he turned his head away facing the matters. He was expecting Uther to turn his head forcefully but instead there was a sudden dull pain on his side. Uther had hit him. Really hit him.

Merlin felt some of the air being knocked out from his lungs and his ribs bruise. The sudden blow also made him try to bend over but the handcuffs didn't allow him to. He heard himself finally make a sound. It was something between a cry and cough. Uther didn't show any sympathy to Merlin and in reality, Merlin didn't want any from him. Merlin heard his door open and close and he was alone again.

While he was relieved that Uther was gone he felt panic at the same time. Uther had left him handcuffed to his bed. What if he didn't come back in the morning? What if he would be left here forever? Or if Arthur came to find him when he didn't show up on time? Merlin tried to pull his chains in panic but of course the metal was stronger than him.

When he finally stopped, there were tears running down his cheeks and he was breathing hard. 'The key' he remembered taping it to his bed and he grawled neared the bed end not caring the semen dripping from his ass. He had to put his hand through the barred bed end to reach the key but finally he could. He tried to open the lock but his hands were shaking so much that finally he dropped the key. He heard it drop to the floor and make a clicking sound. "No. No!" He yelled to his empty room. No one could hear anyway. The whole house was ridiculously soundproof as Merlin had learned. Merlin breathed hard couple of times and tried to reach to key but he only managed to touch it with his fingertips and push it further under the bed.

'Don't panic, don't panic…' He repeated in his mind and rocked his body back and fort. It was way past midnight and he hurt all over. His side hurt and he wished nothing was broken. He smelled Uthers semen and the smell made him sick. But there was nothing he could do to that now… He couldn't throw up here, so he kept shallowing back the contents of his stomach that his alarmingly high stress levels forced to oppose gravity. He laid there very still listening the silence of his room.

When he was finally calm, he pushed himself to sit on his legs closer to his bed end so the handcuffs loosened and the pain on his wrists eased. He was tired…

Eventually he lied back his head as close to the handcuffs as possible so he could bend his arms as much as possible. The last thought until he drifted to sleep where he laid, naked without a blanket, was 'He really did hit me…'

* * *

When Merlin woke up, it was still dark outside. It was cold and Merlin felt stiff. When he slowly opened his eyes, he didn't have any idea where he was. Slowly he realised that what he saw was his own bed. He panicked.

He tried to get away but the handcuffs prevented him from getting anywhere. He turned his head rapidly to every direction trying to find any thread and his breathing made whining noise. He made himself as small and possible and tried to remember what was going on. Finally he remembered what had happened. He had been so cold but now sweat was running on his back and his side and hip made their discomfort known. His crotch was also sticky and Merlin wanted to scream.

For a while he just concentrated on not screaming and suddenly he had a thought 'the scissors…' He remembered putting them under his mattress along the bandages. With stretching his right arm as far as possible he could make his left arm reach the scissors. He tried to cut the metal and to brake the lock and finally he put the scissor through one link of the chain connecting his hands together and wedged the scissors agains the wall and the link to his bed. He bend until the link gave in even if it hurt his wrist when the cuffs tightened, cutting into his wrists. The handcuffs weren't made of very strong metal, luckily. Merlin moved his hands so that the rest of the chain passed through the broken link and he was free. His hands hurt. He put the scissors back under his mattress and fished the key from under his bed. It fit and he threw the remaining of his shackles as far as he could not caring if they made any marks on the walls or floor.

His sweat was starting to dry and he shivered with cold. He collected his blanket from the floor where Uther had thrown it. He wrapped himself to it from head to toe and collected his strength to walk to his bathroom. He shook the blanket from his shoulders on the door way and opened the shower as hot as he could.

The hot water burned his cold skin but it didn't matter. He sat on the floor and took his sponge. He scrubbed his body and especially his wrists, but he couldn't make the redness and the swelling go away. If anything, he only made them worse. Finally he gave up and just sat on the floor hot water pouring to his head. He looked at his side and there was a bruise forming. It wasn't as big as it felt and Merlin almost wished that it would look worse. He felt it worse.

How would his life become now? It had been getting worse and worse. Would Uther make it a regular habit of handcuffing him to his bed for a whole night? Would he eventually make Merlin kiss him? It didn't make any sense how grave it felt to Merlin. He had done everything. There was not a place that Uther hadn't taken in Merlins body. That including his mouth. But still his first kiss… Then Uther would have taken even something that should be innocent and it was the last thing Merlin still had. Ironically he felt that he would rather let Uther fuck him and hit him than kiss him willingly. He wanted at least something be for love. He wanted his first kiss to be with Arthur. And that was impossible.

This was the dead end. There was nothing Merlin could do anymore. He had no strength and no will to keep moving. He buried his face into his hands and wanted to cry but he had no strength left for that either. The water drumming on his back had turned to feel painful but he did nothing. 'What if I just died?' This wasn't the first time Merlin had noticed the possibility. If he cut himself now, he knew he would probably die if he just didn't tend his wound. He could even cut his both wrists in the shower and the water would slowly drain him from this world.

'Down the drain…' He thought and almost felt some humour in that. Maybe even Uther would be happy with him then. Maybe that was something he had wanted all along. Maybe his mother and Arthur and Gaius and everyone would want that if they knew what he had done and how he was. He felt despair bury him alive and he couldn't breath.

'I don't want to die…' was the single last grain of light inside of him and Merlin held onto that thought. He really didn't want to die…

But he could. And that was finally what gave him some strength. 'I could…' If everyone would know or if Arthur hated him or if Uther broke him, he could die. There was no dead end. He could even talk to someone and if worst came to worst, he could kill himself. It was his choice.

Merlin felt an extreme pressure leave him and he gulped air like a person drowning. He had a way out. He again felt that he had some control over himself and that gave him strength to finally turn off the too hot water. He made himself stand and dry himself. It was now almost six o'clock and Merlin didn't want to sleep anymore. When he had dressed making sure his wrists didn't show, he felt oddly refreshed. The sun was rising and it felt brighter than normal. Or maybe he just didn't really look at it often enough.

Merlin looked at his bed. It had been so long that he had slept on it… His wake up hasn't been pleasant. He wondered if he could ever sleep on any bed in the future. Would he panic every time he woke up for the rest of his life? Or should he try to make himself used to it again? He really didn't want to, so he dismissed the thought and turned to leave his room.

When he slowly made his way to downstairs, Uther was sitting in the end of the dining room table. Merlin stopped the second he saw Uther. What would he do when he saw Merlin had broken the cuffs? He squeezed the railing and his vision blurred. 'Breath!' His brain screamed at him. He took a deep breath and his vision cleared. Uther was now looking at him but said nothing.

Soon he went back to his newspaper and acted like he hadn't seen nothing he hadn't been expecting to see. Merlin was glued to the place he was standing and he only snapped out of it when Arthur passed him commenting how odd it was to see Merlin up. Merlin snapped his head to his direction and followed his steps with his eyes until Arthur disappeared to the kitchens side. Just then he remembered that he had legs of his own and that he had to move.

Uther collected his newspaper just when Merlin got to the end of the stairs. Merlin jumped away from his path as he made his way to upstairs. Uther didn't even look at him. Merlin walked to the table with shaky legs and sat down. Arthur came to sit to the opposite side from him carrying bread with ham and cheese and jogurt with him. He seemed to be in a good mood which made Merlin feel gloomier in contrast. "So what's the special occasion?" Merlin mumbled something about waking up and not feeling sleepy anymore. Arthur seemed to notice that everything was not alright because his tone softened. "Was father hard on you yesterday?" Merlin snapped his head up and looked straight at Arthurs eyes. For a moment he thought Arthur had actually asked about…

Merlins face paled and he kept staring until something changed in his eyes. Arthur couldn't identify what it was but when Merlin finally answered him, his voice was cold and somehow distant. "It was fine." Merlin hated himself for saying these words and he was mad as hell for Arthur making him say those words. Arthur looked at him with sympathy which didn't help Merlins mood. Merlin felt himself get close to his snapping point. "I know he can be harsh at times but-" Arthur started but Merlin couldn't take it anymore. "But what?!" He interrupted Arthur who went quiet at Merlins tone.

Merlin stood up his chair making an awful noise against the floor. There was a moment of absolute silence before Merlin opened his mouth. "Don't. Speak to me." Was the only thing Merlin said to Arthur before storming off. Arthur followed Merlin with his eyes and his surprise turned into annoyance. 'What's up with him today? I just tried to be nice to him… That idiot.' His morning was effectively ruined. He bit into his sandwich and promised himself that he would wait for Merlin to apologise to him. 'Whatever that was, it wasn't my fault!'

Merlin was furious. He stomped into his room and didn't even realise that his door was open when he had closed it when he had gone downstairs, before he noticed that his blanket was also back on his bed and the remains of the handcuffs were missing. Uther had been here and cleaned up all the evidence. Merlin shivered at the thought of Uther being here but at the same time he was relieved that he had cleaned up. Merlin hadn't even thought about that and he felt stupid for it. 'Does this mean that Uther would have also let me go at the same time, if I wasn't already out?' He frowned at the thought of Uther coming here to free him only after his breakfast. He imagined him drinking his morning coffee while Merlin would have been here, not able to move, hurting and freezing…

The thought made Merlin even more angry… He was angry at Uther, at Arthur and at himself. He was even mad at all the people he knew and all the teachers in his school, did nobody care enough to notice something wasn't right? Did he really deserve this? How long could he keep his mind together with this? He thought about last night and he wasn't sure if he was even sane anymore. Not in the same way that he had felt last year, but a completely new way of being messed up.

* * *

When it was time to leave for school, Merlin walked to Arthur's passenger seat not looking at him or saying a word. Arthur stayed quiet too and was annoyed to the silent treatment Merlin was giving him. He really didn't think he deserved it.

The first thing in school was Gwen who came to meet them immediately when they stepped inside the school building. "I am so sorry about yesterday! I wrote your names but Geofrey counted the students and- and then that tatteling idiot Cedric went and told him that you were missing and that Merlin hadn't been in the class for ages and I-" Arthur interrupted her by placing his hand on her shoulder "It's alright, it was our fault really, you did your best."

Gwen seemed to relax a bit but she still looked at Merlin to have some signal from him that he was ok, too. Merlin used all he could to smile at her. He really didn't trust his voice to say anything pleasant right now and even an idiot could see that his smile was fake. Gwen looked like she was going to apologise again but Arthur interrupted her again "Let him be, he must have gotten out of bed with a wrong foot." giving Merlin an annoyed look. Merlin knew he would regret taking it out on his friends so he remained quiet and concentrated on remaining quiet. He didn't want to hear anything about 'getting up' or 'bed' right now.

Gwen looked even more worried as Merlin just walked past them both and went to sit in the class room. He let his head fall to his desk and he wished no-one would speak to him for at least another hour or two. Lucky for him Gwen who sat next to him let him be. Arthur must have talked to her and Merlin started to feel bad for snapping at him. By the end of the class he physically hurt from the need to speak to Arthur and tell him he's sorry.

When it was time for lunch, Merlin was too tired to be angry anymore, to anyone, even himsef. He had used all of his mental energy and he felt drained. He also vaguely noted that he had in fact slept at most four hours last night. That, and he hadn't eaten almost nothing in 24 hours… Maybe there was some base on his foul mood. In the cafeteria there was some yellowish sauce with beans for a vegetarian choice and delicious looking fried chicken as a regular food. Merlin decided to screw it all and took the fried chicken. Gwen looked at him surprised but Merlin didn't care.

When they sat down Merlin told her that he was too hungry for saving the world before Gwen could even ask and Gwen smiled at him. She was clearly relieved that Merlin was again talking to her. "Just don't tell Arthur… He would never let me forget…" Merlin continued mostly in order of making Gwen happier. Gwen smiled at him and soon they fell into a comfortable conversation. Merlin was tired and while eating made him feel better, it also made him drowsy so in the end Gwen did most of the talking.

"…and I can tell you a secret, right?" Merlin had listened her telling about her and Lances visit to the coffee shop for five minutes now without saying a word and he nodded to Gwen who beamed at him. "We kissed!" Her voice was quiet, almost a whisper but so happy some would call her hyper. Merlin was happy for his friend but his sarcastic mind reminded him of his own experience on the same theme last night so what came out of his mouth was "Lucky you…" his tone wasn't the most rooting and happy in the world to say the least.

Gwen's smile faltered and Merlin immediately regretted his tone. "I mean I would love to have someone like that too…" Gwen smiled at him kindly, understanding. Merlin couldn't look at her, he was too dishonest with her. "You will find someone like that, I know." She told him with so much certainty in her voice that Merlin almost believed her for a second. Even if he couldn't tell her that she was wrong, he somehow still found some strength from Gwens certainty. He smiled at her weakly "So how was it?" He managed to say and Gwen blushed prettily "It was wonderful… I can still feel it… He was so gentle and- and he told me that- that he would wait for me until I was on age because… because he loves me!" Merlin really smiled now. He was genuinely happy that everything had turned out alright. He had to remember to say sorry to Lance at some point too. His list was just growing today wasn't it?

They spent the rest of the lunch speaking about Lance and Gwen's relationship and Merlin felt his mental energy increase from hearing about his friend's good experiences. Their conversation gradually got a lighter tone and Gwen teased Merlin for being a romantic. "So do you now have anyone special in your mind hmm?" she asked him looking a bit devious. "Not really, just jealous of you." This made Gwen smirk and Merlin wondered what she would actually do if he had some girl he liked. "I bet you do…" she said in a sing-a-song voice. Merlin blushed a little hoping Gwen couldn't tell it was Arthur…

"Even if I did, I wouldn't have a change. Look at you! You are pretty and nice and I look like a horses back side." He joked and Gwen laughed and looked pleased at the compliment. "That's not true at all and you know it! And besides, if you don't have anyone you like then what do you really want?" She made a fake gasp "Wait, could it be that you only want to have someone to make out with? I remember what you said about men before…" She said with a scandalised voice. Merlin chuckled and told her to shut up. It was actually funny and Merlins sour mood was gone. He was again clad to have a friend like Gwen and he regretted for not spending more time with her like this for what felt like months now.

* * *

After school Uther picked Merlin up and the whole trip Merlin was scared stiff that Uther would be mad at him for braking out of his handcuffs but nothing came. He didn't even touch him. When they arrived at home Merlin again tried to hide himself to the garden but the only even relatively close to a hiding place he found was to lie on the ground behind one flowerbed. He stayed there until it was time for dinner even thought he was cold and tired (He was quite sure he had fallen asleep at some point). After dinner he went to his couch and fell asleep immediately.

He woke up about eight o'clock feeling like a human again. His muscles ached and he felt alone in his room but otherwise he was fine. Now his morning drama felt distant and unnecessary and he had to apologise to Arthur. He sneaked out from his room hoping Uther wasn't anywhere near and knocked on Arthurs door as loudly as he dared without letting Uther know he was here. Arthur opened his door soon enough and motioned Merlin to come in even if he still looked annoyed.

Merlin stepped in Arthurs room. The room seemed to hold more light and colour than his room. To him, Arthur made the whole room seem like gold. "I'm sorry." He said. "For yelling at you in the morning. It was as you said, I woke up with a wrong foot." He got some courage from his mornings resolution. He could say sorry or he couldn't. It was his choice and that gave him courage.

Arthur was surprised and pleased. Something was tinkling in his brain that something wasn't right but he brushed it off and decided to be happy that Merlin was apologising to him. "It's alright… I was just about to watch a movie, care to join me?" Merlin smiled at him and felt miles better now that he had seen Arthur smile.

They watched a movie and the last bits of awkwardness Merlin had felt soon disappeared when they fell into their normal bickering and commenting about the movie. Merlin sat on the floor hugging his knees while Arthur was sitting about half a meter from him also leaning to the sofa his legs speared and his posture relaxed. Merlin was laughing at something Arthur had just said about one actor of the movie and he felt rush of good feeling. Like when he had been drunk. Before he knew it, he had opened his mouth.

"Could you kiss me?" He realised half way through his question what he was doing, but he couldn't stop himself in the middle. Arthur went silent and Merlin tried to think if there was something, anything he could say to make it seem like a bad joke or whatever, but his mind was blank so he just kept looking straight ahead not even blinking.

Arthur wasn't sure if he had heard right. It could have been just his imagination and he would be making a fool of himself, or worse make Merlin realise his feelings, if he now kissed him or answered wrongly to a question entirely different from what he had heard. But he couldn't let the possibility to slip through his fingers so he finally replied in a hushed voice "yes…" That couldn't be so bad of an answer, right…? Merlin turned his head partially to look at Arthur.

"Really?" He asked quietly. That didn't give much clue for Arthur if he had heard Merlins question wrong or not, but he still replied "yeah…" Merlin looked down for a moment and seemed to prepare himself for something. Then he blushed and smiled at Arthur. Arthur thought that that was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life. That was enough for Arthur and he moved closer to Merlin who now looked up to him and let go of his knees.

Arthur put his arm on the sofa for some support and leaned closer to Merlin. When he was closer to Merlins face than it really was normal for even close friends Merlin rose his chin and let his eyes close. Arthur felt happiness and pleasure dance inside of him and he closed the distance between them. He kissed Merlins upper lip slowly and softly trying to forget that he had absolutely no experience in this.

It felt amazing. He felt tiny electricity on his lips and skin. Merlins lips felt like the softest silk in the world. He moved away just few millimetres and moved to Merlins lower lip. He parted his lips just slightly to move his own lover lip against Merlins. Everything disappeared to him right then. There was just Merlin and this kiss and Arthur didn't want it to end. He again moved to Merlins upper lip and moved around a little. Merlin had been tense, but gradually Arthur felt him relax. That made his heart beat with happiness and he moved his hand to Merlins shoulders. He wanted to hug Merlin, pull him closer to his body and never let go, but he didn't dare to push it. He continued kissing Merlin who didn't seem to have any objections. He felt his pants grow tight and he wondered if Merlin would notice but couldn't really care right now.

Suddenly Merlin pulled out and buried his head to his knees again hugging them. Arthur felt light headed but also disappointed. He just now started to wonder why had Merlin asked him to kiss him in the first place. Was it curiosity? Did he just want to try kissing and couldn't ask anyone else now that Gwen and Lance were together? Or could… could Merlin also like him? He didn't dare to hope for that and he started to fear than now Merlin would regret it…

Merlin couldn't even begin to describe that. He had waited a kiss with Arthur to be pleasant rather than horrible like all his other experience with Uther and all, but this was something on entirely different scale. He saw light twinkle behind his eyes and Arthurs lips felt soft and warm and gentle and just Arthur… He smelled Arthurs scent and the gentleness was something so new to him… He completely forgot himself until he felt himself getting hard. He couldn't let Arthur see that so he pulled away and tried to hide himself in shame. He didn't dare to even look at Arthur and this silence was driving him mad. He wanted to know what Arthur was thinking. He didn't want him to see his erection but he didn't want to leave either…

"Mmm… was that alright?" Arthur finally asked sounding awkward. Merlin nodded against his knees and Arthur relaxed a little. At least he hadn't mistaken the question… Merlin would have done something else otherwise than let Arthur kiss him for so long…. The movie was still going forgotten now. Some battle music was playing and Arthur had no idea what to say or do but luckily Merlin rose his head, breathed deeply in and spoke "Can I stay with you tonight?" Arthur felt relieve rush into him and he replied "Yes, of course." hoping he didn't sound too eager. "Alright." Merlin just said and rose up, turned on his heels and walked out of the room before Arthur could even start to think what to answer to that. He looked at his erection and decided that he needed a cold shower before Merlin came back. He turned the television off to do just that.

Merlin closed his door and slid to the floor. He and Arthur had kissed. They really had kissed. And it had felt wonderful. Merlin wasn't sure if it was better that he had a good memory of his first kiss or if it would just be worse now that he knew what a kiss could be like… with Arthur… They had kissed.

Merlin found himself smiling and laughing and he felt alive. He had gone from the bottom to the top of his emotions today and while it made him tired, he was also so very happy. So happy that he hadn't killed himself in the morning and that he was still alive. That thought felt now repulsive and dangerous. He felt a fear of his own mind. He promised that he would never think about that anymore. Arthur had again saved him without even knowing it. His heart swell 'I love him...so much' He thought before gathering himself from the floor. He took himself a pyjama that covered him from head to toe and headed to shower.

Merlin adjusted the water to just right temperature and closed his eyes. He remembered how Arthurs lips felt on his. 'How could he kiss like that…' Merlin thought feeling bliss. He had asked Arthur for a kiss but seriously he didn't have any idea what he would have done if Arthur hadn't done anything even if he had agreed…

Merlin felt golden light fill his heart. He felt real, complete happiness, something that was rare nowadays for him. He remembered Arthur moving from his upper lip to the lover one and he softly trailed the path of Arthurs lips with his fingers. He imagined Arthur to continue and he felt himself getting hard again. Only this time it didn't feel unpleasant, embarrassing yes, but not painful or unwanted like normally. His fingers left his lips just to hesitantly trail his body lower. He hadn't touched himself like this since… He refused to think that now and only concentrated on the thoughts of Arthur.

He touched his thing first just with his fingertips and finally he took it all in his hand. It felt so different. He felt pleasure and he wanted more. He felt ghost of Arthurs lips on his and he imagined him there with him, naked in the shower. He imagined Arthurs voice telling him it was alright wrapping his arms around Merlin. It didn't take long for Merlin to feel the pleasure build and he came whispering Arthurs name. His legs felt weak and he sat on the floor.

The water washed all the proof of his masturbation with it and Merlin leaned to the tiled wall. He wished it could be Arthur. Arthur really telling him it was alright, holding him and letting him lean onto him afterwards.

He felt tears run from his eyes but it was more like now had the energy to cry some of the pressure he felt out and he felt better andcalmer with each tear. He sat there until he had no tears left. 'I wonder if Arthur will kiss me again if I ask…' He really hoped he would. If Arthur said no after this... Merlin would have no idea what to do. It would be a different feeling altogether. But still, now he had his memory and he felt that he could survive with that what ever Uther decided to do to him from now on. Just not tonight. Tonight he would sleep in Arthurs room and pretend everything was alright. He washed his hair quickly and changed to his pyjama. He took his blanket and pillow (which were freshly changed by the maid during the day) and headed to Arthurs room.

* * *

After his cold shover, Arthur had changed to his night wear, with shirt. He didn't want to scare Merlin off. He had gone to bed to read the second book of the saga Merlin had recommended to him. He had almost lost hope of Merlin ever coming back tonight when he heard a silent knock on his door. He practically flied to his door and opened to see Merlin hugging his pillow and blanket looking a tad self conscious wearing an oversized pyjama. 'cute' was the word that popped to Arthurs mind and when he just stood there staring Merlin eventually blushed a bit. That made him even more cute but Arthur quickly moved aside and Merlin made his way to his couch.

"I thought you drowned in your shower." He tried to lighten the mood. Merlin looked at him and blushed darkly. Arthur wanted to hug him so badly, but he made no move. He still wasn't sure if he would scare Merlin away with that. Arthur went to his bed and pulled his blanket over himself. "So do you always sleep on your couch then?" He had wanted to ask this before but now he finally felt that the time was right. Merlin just nodded at him. Too tired to even try to make up a reason and Arthur didn't dare to push him further. Arthur thought that Merlin must have some reason for it. 'Or maybe he really just is eccentric…' he thought.

They were now laying both under their covers. Arthur in his bed and Merlin on the couch. Arthur turned off the light on his nightstand, which was the last light source of his room. With lights off he somehow felt braver and he asked "Hey, was that your first kiss?" He had wanted to ask why did Merlin kiss him but that was too much for him right now. Merlin was quiet so long that Arthur began to think that maybe he had fallen asleep or maybe he didn't want to answer him, but then he heard a quiet voice reply "yes…" Arthur felt glad at that but he had to know more "why me?" Merlin didn't reply and Arthur couldn't wait, he didn't have that much confidence.

"I mean… I just, I think that one should kiss only those they love…" He knew he was practically confessing his feelings to Merlin but he didn't know what else to do "I… you can kiss me, if you want… I mean it's alright… I-" His throat felt dry so he had to clear it a bit. He heard his heart beat in his ears but he now had a direction for his speech. "I- lets make a deal. If you don't have any one else you want to kiss and you want to kiss, you can kiss me but then you have to promise me you will _only_ kiss me." Arthur was painfully aware of how many times he said 'kiss' and it made him blush but that was it. He had said what he wanted to say right now. More or less.

Suddenly Merlin was standing next to him (Arthur wasn't sure if Merlin was just quiet or if his heart was so loud that he couldn't hear anything anyway) "I promise." Merlin said and Arthur made a small "huh" sound. "I promise I'll only kiss you." And then he leaned forward, kissed Arthur softly on the lips and then moved back to the couch before Arthur could react. Arthur brought his hand to his lips and his heart raced. He smiled and felt most happy with his life.

The only thing wrong was that he was again hard and he had no change of taking care of it. He cursed himself for not doing anything about it before Merlin came, but how was he supposed to know how long Merlin would take? He felt so happy that he had hard time falling asleep, hoping he could just go and take Merlin to his bed, to sleep with him but he really couldn't. When he finally calmed down enough to sleep, he imagined Merlin laying next to him and he hugged his pillow tightly wishing tomorrow would come so he could talk with Merlin again and kiss him again. He saw pleasant dreams all night and woke up refreshed and happy.

Merlin didn't have to wait sleep for long. He was so exhausted and the joy of getting a permission to kiss Arthur again made him feel safe and comfortable and warm. Arthurs words meant so much to him. Arthur was wiling to kiss him and even thought Merlin didn't even want to guess why, he held on the promise like it was the only life line in his world. He didn't only have the permission to kiss Arthur, he also had a reason to defy Uther. And he would do it. He would not let Uther kiss him whatever he did. Uther could take him, he could handcuff him and let him rot all night. He could make him shallow his cum but Merlin wouldn't let him kiss him. He had promised.

He slept dreamless sleep until morning when Arthur woke him up with gently shaking his shoulder. Merlin pulled him closer gently by his shirt and Arthur didn't protest when they kissed softly. Arthur pulled out slowly and smiled at him. "Good morning" he said and Merlin felt he had just seen his dreams come true. This was definitely the best way to wake up.

* * *

A/N And the Merthur is finaly on! Did I manage to keep you on your toes? I'm little bit pleased of how I managed to gather this chapter together :) I hope you all enjoyed it too.

Huge thank you for Blood Thirsty Angle for correcting my spelling mistakes and educating me of the use of apostrophe! (And teaching me a new word, apostrophe :D )

And you my dear reviewers, I was again blown away with your amazing reviews. I really feel that you get this story and the characters and I'm so happy to have you as my readers. You really make all the work I put into this story feel worth it. Thank you!

mersan123 Yay! I have Susan :) Did you have anything that you'd like to tell me about yourself, like hairstyle/colour or something that you'd like to bake or cook for Merlin? I have this idea you see... But I'm so thrilled to try to write you in the story even if briefly, I really hope you will like the result :) I also enjoy these chapters with no Uther in them, I'm happy to tell you that while there are still bad times ahead, there are also other chapters with no Uther on the way.

BluesAvalon Yes, we totaly need this kind of chapters and in reality, the predators are not that predictable, there are times that are not so bad and times that are good and calm. Most of the people are not bad all the time and with Uther working a lot for his company, Merlin can have some time off now and then. And the car scene was very 'aww' wasn't it? I literally had to write this story down because I came up with that scene.

LordOfTheRainbow Wow, this is the longest review I have ever got! I update every 3rd day (so the next one will be on thursday) so I have time to proof read and answer review for I have to work too.. but I really want to update frequently so you don't have to wait, it annoys me greatly if someone starts a story and then there is update every other month or never... So I try my best :) Yeah, Arthur is pretty clueless, mostly because he functions a bit differently that others do, but also because in this case there is nothing really extraorigibally going on. Many drink when they are underaged. But Merlin isn't really that type, so yeah Arthur should think something is not right. In Huniths defence, she was trying to find who her son had a crush on. She also tried Elyan (I'm not sure if I made that clear enough...). I really hope that you enjoyed this chapter, was it anything that you thought? It kind of had horrible moments, but well, the main one was of cource when Merlin and Arthur _finaly_ kissed. And this chapter must have given an answer to your question, Merlin and Arthur's relationship will start groving from here and they will get their happy ending as I promised in the story summary :)

Skypeoplephoenix732 You can try to peer as much as you want, you will still have to read my story ;D Yep, it is finaly the time for fluf, I have been waiting for that! And I'm aslo pushing Arthur to find out stuff, good that you are too ;) And yep, sleeping Uther is the best Uther.

Angel Dove1 Many of the things you wanted came true in this chapter, sorry that the pair is stil clueless... Teenagers... why are we all so awkward at that time? And Arthur and Merlin talking about the nature of their relationship? Or Merlin telling his secret so they could be honest with each others? In the show Arthur had to be dying before that happened... But I hope you still enjoyed the chapter, there is more to come in Arthur's and Merlin's relationship :) (And I promise tha in my version neither of them have to die for that).

8OrangeMatilda8 I was so teasing you, I had planed of letting this chapters title slip for weeks now :3 You really understand well what I wanted to convey with Merlins drinking and being a vegetarian, awesome! Yeah, we don't really talk about how controlling eating is a sign of some kind of uneasiness or problems in life. If it's not a well known eating disorder of course. But I think that especially children do that a lot. Controlling what they eat is something they can do and try to either balance their life if it's not in balance for some reason or just for the sake of power play (especially very young children). I see it a lot in school. It's funny how some children refuse to eat salad just to see if they can control their teacher. Many of those cases their parents are shocked when they hear that their child is actually eating vegies without a fight at school after few weeks... Sorry, rambling, bad habbit. But yeah, it doesn't have to be abuse, when our father died, my little sister stopped eating mostly everything. She basically only ate things that didn't taste anything and everything that was sweet. She has became better with time and there was not much to do at the time, it was just her way of coping. In Merlin's case regaining some control is very important to him and while I really don't want to say that get worried if someone wants to be vegetarian, it is important to know from where our children are coming from. Gently asking for reasons, I think, would be a great way to go while supporting them in what they believe is right. Of course in this case there is not any danger involved, being lacto-ovo is actually a pretty healthy choise (even if Merlin really is too thin!).


	21. Chapter 21 - Movie, wine and a kiss

Arthur was over the moon. He finally understood what the fuzz was about. He was all smile and every other of his thought were about Merlin and kissing. He felt he couldn't get enough of the idea and only when Elyan made a comment to him about someone being happy lately, he toned it down a little. 'Idiot… You could as well tell Merlin, and everyone while you are at it, that you love him and have been fantasising about him… That would go well…' He mentally kicked himself.

He didn't know what were Merlin's reasons and he was still too scared to ask about them. He wanted Merlin so badly… He knew it would never be accepted and even while he wanted to tell everyone how happy he was, he knew he would just ruin his and Merlin life if he did that. It seemed unfair to him but he was well aware how far from the social norm this was. He wasn't even sure if he himself was ok with this. The consept of brothers being together like this always made him shudder, but when he was with Merlin, he just couldn't make the connection. But what if he had something wrong with his head? What if he would drag Merlin down with him only because he wanted to satisfy his selfish needs? He didn't want that to happen. He wished there was someone he could talk about this. Someone like Gaius… Maybe he could talk to him? He had invited Arthur over and in a way he felt that Gaius had already guessed his feelings. Could he know something about Merlins feelings as well? He had seemed like he had known something when he had talked with Arthur the last time…

Arthur and Merlin kissed at least once a day. It was the first thing in Arthurs mind in the morning and the last thought of his nights. He wanted constantly more and he wasn't sure how much longer he could go without getting something more. Anything. He felt like his heart needed to be closer to Merlin but every time he tried to move his body closer or deepen his kiss, Merlin pulled slightly back or pushed Arthur gently away. This hurt Arthur's confidence and he usually didn't even dare to try. As days rolled by, he found himself feeling sad more and more often because he was getting sure that Merlin couldn't possibly like him back. Why else would he keep Arthur from getting any closer?

After just one and a half weeks he seriously wanted, needed to talk with someone and he even once drove to Gaiuses house after football practice (even at the risk of getting yelled at by his father, he was still grounded) but he couldn't make himself ring the doorbell in the end. He had only seen Gaius once after all and what ever he would tell him, Arthur was sure that he would be on Merlin's side. And if Merlin didn't like him back or if Gaius found his love to Merlin wrong, he wasn't sure what would happen.

At the same time, their school year was nearing its end and all of the teachers were giving them so much work that Arthur felt that he was getting buried alive with his football practices, planning and the actual games piling up to his to do list. To his luck Merlin had picked up his studies again and promised to help Arthur with whatever he could. So many nights they sat leaning to Arthurs couch and doing home works or reading for tests. Arthur enjoyed these times even if the school work was tiring and at parts frustrating. But he had to be the best for his father like he had always been, so he had to do the work.

While spending more time with Merlin like this he also began to fully understand how much Merlins mood varied from day to day. It was like watching waves actually. From barely speaking Merlin who didn't look him in the eyes and filched if he was touched to a Merlin who joked and laughed and leaned to his side after they had kissed. Arthur was slowly getting used to it even though he wondered often what was making the difference.

Once he had asked Merlin what was wrong and he had told him that he missed Gaius. Arthur could understand that and he made it his mission to find some excuse to get Merlin out of the house without his father knowing where Merlin went. It would be too much of a change to try to convince Uther to let Merlin socialise with people Arthur knew his father wouldn't value very high in his books.

* * *

The first friday Arthur and Merlin weren't grounded anymore, Arthur came home earlier than expected. They had gone outside to practice for a week now but yesterday it had rained hard and it continued just when they were supposed to start playing. The field was muddy and after one hour the whole team was tired, grumpy and so muddy they couldn't tell each others apart so Arthur had dismissed them. After a shower he had driven home and was actually clad to have a break. He wanted to see Merlin and after throwing his stuff to his room Arthur made his way to Merlins door. He wanted to surprise Merlin, hopefully even scare him so he didn't knock and just opened his door.

Or at least he tried. Merlins door was locked from the inside. Arthur frowned. He didn't like that. Merlin knew how Uther didn't like anyone in this household locking their doors, Arthur still remembered the good yelling Merlin had on the subject, so why was his door locked? Arthur tried knocking but nobody answered. He tried calling Merlins cell, but he didn't pick up. He could do nothing else but go back to his own room. He decided to read some and then try again. He lied down on his bed and opened the book he had never finished. Soon his tiredness took control of him and he set the book aside. He would just close his eyes for a second he told to himself before drifting to sleep.

When he woke up it was already dinner time. He went downstairs to eat with his father and Merlin who was late like usual. He was just about to go to get him when Merlin appeared. Arthur immediately recognised one of those days when Merlin was his grumpy self. He didn't look at Arthur nor did he say anything during the whole meal. After he had barely finished his meal, he disappeared to his room.

"I'll have to go to meet a client soon. I might stay late. I hope I can leave you two here alone?" His father said just after Merlin's door had closed upstairs. Arthur assured him that they would be alright. When he had been younger this hadn't been a special occasion, more like norm actually. It had become more rare in the last few years and while Arthur had hated it when he had been a child, it was now a welcomed change. He could stay up later and maybe Merlin wouldn't be so tense if his father was out of the house. "That's good then. I'll leave you in charge." Uther replied to him and rose to leave the table.

After half an hour Uther left. Arthur wished him a good meeting and whatched the door close behind his father before skipping upstairs to find Merlin. When he tried Merlins door this time, it was open. Merlin was already in his pyjamas, lying on his couch covered in blanket. He had his reading lamp on and the room was very dim. He was reading a chemistry book Arthur had most trouble of understanding and Arthur couldn't help but feel it was for him. A small smile made it's way to his lips at the thought.

"So you really do sleep on your couch every night…" His musing got Merlins attention and for a second Arthur saw… something… like uneasiness. Like he didn't want anyone here much less Arthur. But the look soon disappeared and Arthur hoped he had imagined the whole thing "What are you doing here?" Yes. It was definitely the grumpy Merlin.

"Just wanted to kiss you goodnight." Arthur smiled at Merlin who seemingly tried to smile back but was failing miserably. Arthur stopped next to the couch and sighed. Merlin looked at him questioningly. Arthur pushed Merlins legs a bit to make room for him to sit. He looked at Merlin and talked to him with a serious tone "Is something wrong?" even if he sounded calm he was frightened to hear the answer. What if Merlin would tell him it was Arthur that was making him feel uneasy? That he was tired of kissing him? Or that he hated it?

Merlin adverted his eyes and Arthur held his breath. He was preparing himself for the worst. "No, sorry. It's just you don't usually come to my room…" Arthur let his breath go. He was still feeling anxious but at least it wasn't the worst response. There was still hope. "Would you like me to come to your room more often?" He asked. Of course they had spend more time in his room. He had larger sofa and a television. And usually Merlin came there before Arthur had a chance to go to his. But had he made a mistake there?

Merlin shook his head "No. I like yours better." This made Arthur feel better. Merlin liked his room, maybe that was because he had started to like him also? He really should stop reading so much into Merlins every little action and word… Arthur smiled at Merlin "You are welcome anytime you want, in fact why don't you come to my room right now? My couch is longer than yours…" Merlin looked at him little confused so he added "If you are worried about father, he just left. He has a business meeting and he will be back late. Sometimes he takes a room in a hotel because it's so late."

This somehow made Merlin get more animated. "Could we watch a movie?" He asked and Arthur really wanted to laugh and hug him for acting so cute. "Of course, we still haven't seen the one Gwen has been bugging us to watch." Merlin laughed at him a little. The movie Gwen had practically forced on them was partly a journey to one self and partly a romantic flick so they hadn't really been too keen on seeing it. Partly because it seemed too sappy and partly because they both felt embarrassed to even think about watching a romantic film with each other.

Merlin made a move that caused Arthur to stand up. He was in the way of Merlin getting up. Merlin collected his blanket and pillow and Arthur waited him to pass but Merlin didn't. He stopped in front of him and smiled at him shyly. "I thought you came here to kiss me." he said quietly and leaned forward to meet Arthurs lips. Usually when they kissed, Merlin kept his distance and the kiss was always quick but now Merlin leaned onto Arthur and kissed him with just the tines hint of passion and when he let their lips separate, he rested his forehead on Arthurs shoulder. The pile of blanket was in between them but Arthur felt like he was closer to Merlin than ever. He slowly bought his arms around Merlin.

Merlin flinched at the first contact and that made Arthur hesitate, but when Merlin didn't make another move he got his courage back and he finally wrapped his arms around Merlin. He felt Merlins breathing against his neck and Merlins thin frame in his arms. He was once more alarmed of how thin Merlin was. He felt tiny and fragile but he was here. He felt warm through his pyjama and Arthur could feel the rhythm of his breathing.

He could have stayed like this forever but, when Merlin stepped back (too soon in Arthurs opinion), he had to let go. Merlin smiled at him and moved towards his door like nothing had ever happened. Sometimes Arthur found himself wondering if he had imagined somethings he had done with Merlin because of Merlin's habit of doing just that, but his hands and neck still felt warm and he saved this memory deep into his mind.

* * *

Merlin had been in his room, Uther thrusting in him when he had hear the door handle rattle and a knock soon after that. His heart had stopped for a moment. Uther also had stopped but hadn't get out of him. Merlin knew it had to be Arthur. Why was he so early? The door felt too thin now and panic rose inside of him. What if he could open the door? Or hear them? Or even smell the dirty reek of sex that was filling the room?

When nothing happened for a while Uther bent over to quietly hiss into his ear "What was that? Why is someone knocking your door?" Merlin shallowed thickly. "It must be Arthur…He-he probably wanted a-a book. He loaned it to me and I-I forgot to return it." Uther seemed to buy his lie but it didn't help Merlin much "I see I have to teach you to be more careful…" He took a hold of Merlins hair and lifted his upper body up. He then wrapped his arm around Merlins chest and played with his nipples while thrusting into him hard. Merlin held his breath not wanting to make any sound. He was painfully aware of Arthur who could be just behind his door. He heard his cellphone wibrate faintly in the pocket of his trousers that were lying on the floor and he wanted to cry. He was clad that the phone was still in silend mode.

When Uther came, he demanded a kiss. Merlin shook his head and earned a new blow to his stomach this time.

After Uther had left, Merlin took a shower. He felt dirty even after that and he thought about Arthur. He felt horrible. He wanted to kiss and to touch Arthur so much yet he felt his body so filthy that he really couldn't. Even if couple of times Arthur had tried to move closer to him, maybe even take things a bit further, Merlin became too self conscious if Arthur touched anything else than his lips. Even a hand on his shoulder made him feel like he was poisoning Arthur with his dirtiness and he had to protect Arthur from that. His room also… It was dirty and black of the things that had happened here. He didn't want Arthur to even breath the air in his room.

After lunch he showered again. It didn't help much and his stomach still hurt. Uther was strong for his age and Merlins body was weak. He changed to his pyjama and made it to his couch. Uther had already been here tonight so he could at least have this night for himself.

When the door of Merlin's room opened, he froze. When he realised it was just Arthur he felt relieved but he felt uneasy having Arthur in his room. He did everything in his power to hide that so he tried to sound indifferent. When Arthur told he was here for a goodnight kiss, it should have made him feel better, but it just didn't. He knew it was the best if he tried to smile or even laugh at it like it was a joke, but he really couldn't find the strenghs to do that. He wasn't sure what gave Arthur his motive to kiss him everyday. He was afraid that he had done something to him. Making him feel obligated to do this for him or could he have corrupted Arthur with his dirtiness? He was scared. The thought of anyone loving him didn't even made it to the list of options in Merlins mind.

When Arthur sat down next to him and asked if everything was alright Merlin felt for a moment moved by his concern. He was sure he didn't deserve Arthur like this and for a moment he regretted ever asking Arthur to kiss him. Still, when Arthur waited Merlin to pass him, Merlin could have done just that but instead he stopped to kiss him. 'I'm so weak…' He blamed himself while he leaned on Arthurs shoulder needing the comfort. He wanted to press himself further to his chest but he kept his blanket stubbornly in between them. Like a barrier that kept his shame on his side.

Still, when Arthurs arms came to hug him he felt truly happy. The only thing wrong was his still hurting stomach which pressed to his blanket painfully. With the first contact Merlin flinched because it caught him by surprise. Finally he had to pull back because his position was getting too uncomfortable, his blanket pressing the bruise. He walked out of his room not daring to look back. He hoped Uther would really be away the whole night. He wanted to sleep in Arthurs room, breathing that golden light that made him feel less ashamed.

* * *

When Arthur followed Merlin to his room, Merlin had already lied down on the couch. He was a tad disappointed. He almost asked him to come to sleep in his bed, but his common sense won. It was still early but somehow Merlin seemed to want to lie down so Arthur let him bury himself in his blanket while he tried to find some movies they could watch. After couple of suggestions they found a superhero movie that was supposed to be so corny it was almost a classic.

Arthur let the logos roll while he went to get them some snacks from downstairs. He found some cookies their maid had baked earlier today and some cheese and crackers. When he was about to close the fridge his eyes found an opened bottle of wine. I was one of those expensive wines that his father sometimes opened at night for himself. Arthur estimated the amount in the bottle and with a moments impulse, he took one wine class and poured there half a class. He estimated the amount again and felt satisfied that the difference was very hard to spot. He carefully put the bottle back and concentrated on getting all the food and wine upstairs.

When he opened the door, the films narration was already on "You are missing a tragic backstory…" Merlin said to him, his eyes glued to the screen. "Let me guess, parents death, all alone, corrupted justice system, vows revenge?" Arthur guessed while placing the plates down. "We are not yet at the revenge part…Oh, here it is!" The movie had a shot of young boy scream to the sky in a heavy rain at night. They both laughed at the cheesiness of the camerawork and the movie gave them 'ten years later' text. How original.

"Here." Arthur gave Merlin the wine class. Merlin looked surprised but then his eyes lit like candles and he took the wine from Arthur. Arthur wasn't sure if he was supposed to feel happy of Merlin's obvious happiness of alcohol or worried, but it wasn't much and Arthur was pretty sure that Merlin didn't drink that much anyway. Hell, he could only get alcohol from Gwaine (Arthur was positive of that) and he hadn't had a change to meet him for weeks now.

After Merlin had sipped few times from his wine class, he was gradually becoming to a much better mood. Arthur sat to the floor, leaning to the couch about where Merlins stomach was. They laughed at the movie and Merlin made jokes and at one point he even ruffled Arthurs hair. He normally never touched him like this so Arthur blushed and felt warm where Merlins hand had been.

"So movie, wine and a kiss, thats what makes the grumpy Merlin go away… You are such a girl, Merlin." He commented at one point and Merlin actually laughed. "Grumpy Merlin?" He asked in disbelieve. "When did you update your vocabulary? When you were five?" Arthur swatted some part of Merlin that was the closest playfully. Merlin gave him a satisfying 'ow' and Arthur leaned a bit further so he could feel his head resting on something solid that was Merlins side covered with thick blanket. 'This is nice…' he thought. Merlin didn't comment anything on Arthur leaning to him so Arthur continued to do just that.

They continued to point unlogical thing from the movie to each others and Arthur decided that he enjoyed this very much. He wasn't sure how real couples worked really, but he was content with this. Just being able to lean on Merlin and feel him lean on him. To be able to kiss him once a day gently and to have Merlin kiss him. He didn't need to rush. He hoped that Merlin would feel something for him and this was not just a passing thing or curiosity from Merlins side. He found himself hoping they could move somewhere far away where no-one knew they were supposed to be brothers. Maybe they could pretend to their parents and friends that they just lived together because they didn't have anyone they were dating? Maybe they could continue like this forever…

When the movie ended, it was barely eight o'clock but when Arthur turned to see Merlin, his eyes were closed and his breathing even. 'You got to be kidding me… How can anyone sleep as much as this idiot does?' he thought but smiled at the same time. He stroked Merlins hair gently and leaned in to kiss him softly on his cheek. "Good night, Merlin" He said in a soft tone and moved to clean up.

He took the empty wine glass Merlin had placed to the floor and their plates. He washed the wine glass well and put it back to its place. He didn't want to wake Merlin up so he didn't shower (he had showered anyway after the football practices of mud). He changed into his pyjama in his closet not bothering with the shirt this time. It was hot in his room and he really didn't like to sleep with a shirt on. And besides, Merlin was already asleep and it wasn't like Merlin hadn't seen him shirtless like hundred times. Also Arthur had nothing to be ashamed of with his well built upper torso, he decited. He climbed to his bed and read for a while. He wasn't actually tired at all because he had taken a nap so he ended up staying up quite late. 'Great thing it's saturday tomorrow…' He thought when he looked at his alarm clock and saw it was almost half past twelve.

He looked one last time at Merlin who hadn't even moved. 'He really must have been tired…' He thought and he felt himself grow a bit sad. He imagined Merlin sleeping in his too short couch and he wondered, not for the first time, why did Merlin sleep on his couch? Merlin didn't seem to want to explain his reasons and Arthur could just sigh and deal with it. But it felt bad. Not that he didn't know why Merlin slept on his couch, but that it felt that Merlin didn't trust him enough to tell him stuff like that. It hurt the same way that it hurt when Merlin pushed him back or moved away from him.

Arthur placed his pillow so he could hug it and imagine it was Merlin. He wished that he could take Merlin to a date. Or sleep next to him. Or call him his boyfriend. How long would this have to continue before Arthur would have enough confidence to ask Merlin if they were dating? He wasn't sure. He closed his eyes to be Merlins boyfriend at least in his imagination. He fell asleep soon after.

* * *

The next day grumpy Merlin was nowhere to be seen. His mother got home from his last night shift and she would be home from now on. She had just few weeks of regular school and then the summer vacation would start. She was applying to be a trainee in a local hospital. It was closer than her internship place so she wouldn't have to spend more nights away than she was actually working and she wouldn't probably even get that many nightshifts. Her friend Susan was also aplying and Hunith told Merlin excited how she really had started to feel that she has found a friend. After taking a walk in the gardens with Merlin, she went to sleep and the boys ate lunch with Uther.

Merlin normally went quiet in Arthurs fathers presence if Hunith wasn't there, but today he seemed to be in so good mood that he and Arthur continued to talk about this and that in the lunch table until Uther opened his mouth "I saw you weren't in your room last night, Merlin. I would like to know where you were." Merlin went quiet and he opened his mouth but no sound came. Arthur wanted to convince his father fast that Merlin hadn't sneaked out when they had been alone here (that was what he thought his father was after) so he didn't wait Merlin to collect himself but answered for him.

"He slept on my couch, father." He didn't see anything wrong with that. He and Morgana had used to sleep in her room when their father had been out when they had been smaller. Of course that had changed when Morgana started to have rows with their father but that had nothing to do with this. Still his father didn't seem pleased. He turned to look at Merlin and asked with stern voice "Is this true?" Merlin had to nod but he seemed to do it reluctantly.

Arthur watched the scene in front of him. He wasn't sure what was the big deal… Of course Merlin could be self conscious about them kissing or the wine he had drank, but his father had no way of knowing any of that, right? "I want you to sleep in your own bed from now on, that's why you have one. Is this understood?" Merlin nodded and mumbled 'yes'.

Arthur didn't like his father's tone. He was scaring Merlin and Arthur didn't like that at all. He was about to protest and tell him that Merlin didn't sleep in his bed anyway when he felt a sharp kick from under the table. Merlin didn't show any signs of moving at all but Arthur got the message. Of course his father didn't know that Merlin slept on his couch. He would just make things worse for Merlin if he let his father know that for sleeping on a couch was exactly the kind of 'nonsense' his father hated.

Arthur remained silent when his father continued to tell it wasn't decent in their age to have these kind of sleep overs when their rooms where right next to each others. "Those kind of things are not for men, they are for fags and such people and I don't want any of that in my house."

Arthur felt a sting in his heart and then he got annoyed. What did his father know?! First of all, how was that gay if Merlin slept in the same room? He had slept much nearer guys in football camps and such. And as far as his father was conserned, they were family. And yes, he loved Merlin but he still wasn't even sure if he was gay, it didn't seem to fit somehow… The worry of being weird was of course present, but that was Arthur's problem and Arthur felt it was his responsibility to take care of that and think it trough and even if he would someday need help, he wouldn't ask that from his father.

But if he felt worried, Merlin looked like he tried to shallow a frog.

Arthur immediately forgot his own worries and found new ones in Merlin. What if he would now stop coming to his room? Stop kissing him? Notice that Arthur was in love with him? That he had ulterior motives? His heart started to beat fast his annoyance evaporating in to thin air. He hoped the lunch would be over soon. Merlin told Uther that it wouldn't happen again and Uther turned back to his meal. Arthur had all of his life been worried what his father thought about him, but suddenly it didn't seem to matter as much as what Merlin thought about him.

Merlin ate his lunch quickly more spreading his food to his plate than actually eating it and then he disappeared upstairs. Arthur wanted to go after him but he couldn't raise suspicion in front of his father. He would have to wait to see if he and Merlin were still ok. The waiting was agony and every second seemed to drag.

Merlin was petrified. He should have known that Uther would find out that he was not in his room. He cursed himself for not realising that. He felt a lump in his throat. Uther had tried to come to his room at night. There was only one reason that happened. Merlin knew that Uther would come to his room tonight. His mother home or not. He was still hurting from yesterday.

He closed the door of his room behind him and slid to lean against it. Uthers comment was clear to him. 'Don't you dare spread your gayness to my son.' Merlin found some twisted humour in that 'well that one is too late now, isn't it?' He wondered what Uther would do to him if he ever as much as suspected that he had made Arthur kiss him. Would he fuck him until he bled? Would he hit him? Or even kill? Merlin hugged his knees. He was so afraid of Uther.

'I need something to drink…' He thought but he had no means of getting to Gwaine. He had his phone number memorised (he hadn't dared to save Gwaine's or Gaius' numbers in his phone, he was sure Uther would find out that way.) but could he even call him? And what if he could? Would Gwaine really come all the way here and sneak the alcohol to him somehow? The answer came to him suddenly loud and clear. 'Yes, yes he would.' Gwaine was just the type of an idiot who would do things like that. He was about to take his phone and make the call but then he remembered that his mother was home. He could do things behind Uthers back but his mother so close… His fear aside, he felt disgraced for even thinking of doing anything like that so near his mother.

Merlin hit the floor in frustration. His fear and anger mixing together making him unable to tell which he actually was. The pain in his hand helped him to clear his mind for a second and he calmed down slowly. He briefly thought if cutting himself would clear his mind the same way but he quickly dismissed the thought. He had promised himself that he wouldn't do that anymore. He had to get through this day without that. His mother would want to see him and talk to him at dinner and he had to seem alright. He also thought about Arthur and realised he was too transparent already. Arthur had labeled his depressed mood as 'grumpy' and that was a sign that Merlin wasn't hiding his distress well enough. He had to make himself act more convincing.

He thought about the time that he could visit Gaius. How he could stay positive and had more energy even during the week when he still had a long way to go. If he could find something similar. A way to rest mentally feeling safe on regular basis. He thought about Arthur but dismissed the idea immediately. The only way he could feel safe and calm with Arthur was to confess what was happening and even then Arthur would have to _want_ to comfort Merlin knowing all that.

'Don't even wish for that…' He told himself as it seemed impossible. Arthur liked him at least as a friend yes, but he wouldn't if he knew the real him. He would be disgusted and he would hate him for sure. Merlin wasn't sure why Arthur was putting up with his selfish wish to kiss him and touch him and why he even bothered to come to Merlin at times. Did he pity him or did he want it over with or had Merlin somehow made him curious or infected him somehow? 'Is there nothing I can do…?' He wished there was some kind of cure to this. Something he could do to make him like normal people… But he wasn't sure how much of himself he would have to give up to do just that. How would he be if he liked girls? Could he be friends with Gwen? Would he became like the guys in the football team? Loud and rough… He wasn't sure.

He felt his room too big. He wanted to be in a smaller place. Like in the bushes of Gaius' garden. He liked Gaius' house also. It was homy with its low ceiling and gauzy corners with so much stuff that told of his life. Like nothing was just a furniture or a book, they meant something to Gaius. Merlin searched his room with his eyes. There wasn't much that was his. The little stuff he had from his previous life was mainly childish stuff or something like his carving knife that had no use for him in here so it was out of sight. He eventually thought of the closet where some of his belongings were stored in boxes. He opened the door and closed it behind him. It was dark and kinda small and when he pushed trough those clothes that were hanging, he found a wall he could lean onto.

After pushing the clothes to cover him, he felt better. The space was small and the clothes were all over the place so he had to push them to a position where they wouldn't poke at him. But after he had done that, it was warm, dark and narrow. Just the alcohol was missing. He thought of getting some wine like Arthur had gotten him last night from the fridge (he supposed) but it seemed even more risky than calling Gwaine to deliver him something.

Merlin leaned to the wall and he did feel a bit better but he still couldn't fully relax. His thoughts didn't leave him be and he found himself worrying about Arthur and about his mother and about Uther and Gwen and Gaius and Gwaine and… eventually he had to exit his closet and find a book he could read. He took the chemistry book he had been reading yesterday and opened it from a random page. He would learn this all and teach it to Arthur. Yeah, that was a right thing to do.

He concentrated until there was nothing else in his head. He only stopped when his mother came to see what he was up to. Merlin jumped up and practically pushed his mother out of his room. He didn't want her in his room where he had done such dirty things with her husband.

The rest of the night his mother wanted to spend some time with him so they talked and played some scrabble while Arthur lingered close by laughing at their words but not actually joining in. Merlin made a mental note to challenge Arthur to a round of scrabble someday. He would so win.

Uther made Merlin suck him off that night. He told Merlin how worthless he was and how he should respect his own room that was given to him. He also warned him from bothering Arthur. Merlin threw up that night until literally nothing came up. His stomach burned from last night and from the spasms of the vomiting. He tried to drink some water but that came up as well. Finally he dragged himself to his couch and took a class of water with him. He knew he would be thirsty later.

The next day Merlin made sure to miss breakfast. He didn't want to see Uther. He sat in his closet for a while thinking of the irony of actually being in a closet before getting down to go to school with Arthur. He tired to stay positive and normal (ish) but he clearly didn't do very good job because Arthur was constantly glancing at him. Merlin tried to joke and to be funny but Arthur didn't seem to response the way he usually did. Merlin wasn't sure what he had done now, but he had to try to not seem like anything was wrong at all.

Finally Arthur interrupted his rambling about how annoying Gwen had been lately with her boyfriend and all "Merlin…" "...and there I was trying to make some sense of how she had answered to her english assignment and she was telling me how romantic Lance had been and-" "Merlin!" Merlin got the hint (clear message) and shut up. Arthur sighed "Are you alright?" Merlin wasn't even sure of what Arthur was referring to. He had so many things he had been keeping secret and so many things he was not alright at all that he had lost count. Arthur being the person who knew most of all people, he was confused. Luckily Arthur continued "I mean what father said. He can be like that. But don't let it worry you. He doesn't know everything…"

Merlin had to search his memory to find the obvious one Arthur had been present to hear. Ironically that was the one that bothered Merlin most at the moment. The fear of corrupting Arthur with his selfish needs. His heart hurt. He didn't want to cause any harm to Arthur and yet he was spreading his dirtiness little by little. He had to give Arthur a change to stop "I… I understand if you don't want anymore…" He couldn't say the word 'kiss' and he couldn't look at Arthur. His voice quiet and his heart was beating painfully loudly.

"No! I mean it's alright… " Arthur denied fast. A bit too fast. Merlin glanced at his direction and finally understood. Arthur also _wanted_ to kiss him. It wasn't out of obligation or pity. It felt good to Arthur too. That made Merlin feel a spike of hope but it was short lived. He felt shame on himself for being so selfish and his relieve was stained by fear. Had he made Arthur be like this? And would he ruin Arthurs life too? What would Uther do if he ever found out? The same he did to Merlin?

Merlin shallowed and looked away. He couldn't let anything bad happen to Arthur. Especially not that. He had to stop and never let Arthur know about his feelings. That way Arthur could deny this when he found himself a girlfriend and Merlin would never tell anyone. "Ok…" Still he couldn't brake this off right now. He was too weak to do that. He felt strong hate to himself for not being strong enough. How stupid could one be? And how selfish...

When Arthur parked the car he looked around quickly and when there was no-one in sight, he leaned towards Merlin and gave him a quick kiss to his cheek. Merlin who had been taking off his seatbelt was caught by surprise. Arthur quickly stepped out from the car not looking at Merlin.

Merlin just stared after him. His cheek felt warm where Arthurs lips had touched and he slowly brought his fingers to touch the place. This was new and in Merlins mind it felt even more intimate than kissing on the lips. For a moment Merlin felt… loved.

He blushed at the thought and removed his hand. He had to get out of the car before Arthur would lock him in. He took his bag and moved outside. The spell was broken and Merlin just felt ashamed of himself for having such delusions. Of course he wasn't loved, how could anyone love him? But his cheek remained warm and he found himself touching the spot many times that day.

* * *

A/N Hello! For this chapter being under 8 000 words, I sure had a lot of trouble with it! A huge thank you for Blood Thirsty Angle for correcting my spelling and grammar mistakes! I'm going to country side for three days tomorrow with no internet, so I'll post the next chapter when I get back. It's still on sunday, but about 10 hours later than usual. Hang in there!

Many who left a review for the last chapter were glad that Uther didn't get Merlin's first kiss. I just wanted to say that it was never an option, I'm not that cruel... really... I'm actually a fairly nice person... kinda...

And for the record, forced kisses are (in my opinion) a lot harder to pull trough than entertainment has let us believe... I dislike those forced kisses for example in tv series that lead some characters to a misunderstanding, it's just... stupid. First of all it is kind of hard to catch someone so complitely out of quard that it's possible to kiss them. Normaly even if you are not waiting to be kissed by someone you don't want to kiss, you move backwards, turn your face, push them away or something like that when they move their face to your personal space. And lips are not known of their accurate and fast movements, so missing the target would be very possible. Even if they held your face still, it's higly difficult to hold lips down. One can yell, bite or just generally keep making faces that are not so sexy to kiss... I really don't understand where are all of those forced kiss -scenes coming from...

Sorry, rambling about my opinions again...

Anyway, I have, again, recieved such great reviews that I have no idea of how I could express my gratitude :) I really love the way you make the effort to really comment and analyze my writing. Because of you, I have added scenes and depth and have will to actually search for grammar rules from my highs school notes that I had complitely forgotten by now. So, big thank you and see you on sunday!

Skypeoplephoenix732 Good idea, but sorry, Merlin would never let Arthur sleep in his room. Where would he sleep? In his bed? Surely not. The couch is too narrow for many reasons. And Merlin knows the risk of Uther coming to his room too well... Yeah Geofrey is not really on top of his game, when only quiet Merlin was missing, he didn't even notice, but when someone like Arthur is missing from the glass, usually the dynamics in the room change enough to cause one to look twice. And it's easier to spot two missing especially if they usually sit next to each others (I might have done this 'It looks like everybody is here' -mistake once when I was still new with teaching...)

mersan123 Mess with your heads? Maybe... :D Yes, at the moment Merlin is in a emotional rollercoaster with no end in sight... The main drama is now on. Thank you for the background info, that was plenty, I can now write the scene :) So you are Aussie... Hmm... I'm quite sure that I have no idea of how to write Australian english, I hope you don't mind... Or, what would you think if I sent that part to you and you helped me to write your lines? I would kind of like the detail that Susan would be aussie :)

LordOfTheRainbow Yes, Merlin is depressed and mentaly in unbalance. He has pushed himself to his limits and he can't find pleasure in normal things and somedays all the world feels insignificant, gray and dull. And while his and Arthur's relationship is developing, strugling to keep his secret is getting more and more arduous. He has locked his emotions away and feeling so strongly for Arthur while with him shakes that control he has over his feelings and he is again getting more moody, as we saw in this chapter. It's good that you asume things and you are very much right. _If_ Merlin would have dared to look Arthurs crotch, he would have been highly confused and that would have propably turned into fear or panic and that wouldn't have been pretty... Uther has manipulated and tricked Merlin to believe that the fault is his and that the power to expose him is Uther's. That is one aspect that makes chil abuse so horrible crime. How Merlin is going to see Gaius and Gwaine? Well, you will have to wait till next chapter to find out ;)

bubzchoc Thank you :)

Senile Feline Wow, what a great feedback! I'm super happy to hear that my english has been getting better, maybe I should proofread this whole thing after I have finished just to correct grammar mistakes... When I did research on this theme before I started to write, my first and foremost question was, how did all these people keep something like this a secret for so long, even decades? And this is what I came up with, I'm very pleased to hear you telling me that it is believable. When I read your review, at the part where you told me that you nearly lost your faith, I was like 'Oh no! I almost lost this amazing reader!' I'm so glad that you continued to read until the end of the chapter! Thank you for that and I hope that you will like the rest of my story too :) (And it's not that hard to update regularly, I have written most of the story beforehand and I actually like proof reading this thing, it's kind of a hobby now :) )

Angel Dove1 :D You clearly took the rollercoaster ride with Merlin, good, that means you care :) We need people like that in this world. You gave me what I really wanted to hear when I updated this chapter :) I suck with giving names. That includes chaper names, but with this chapter it wasn't hard at all. So while I was at it, I thought 'why not confuse the readers a bit in the middle?' I'm happy that it worked out :) I think that Arthur is a very cute person, he was in the tv-series too. He kind of said what he came up with at the moment and while he wants to kiss Merlin again, he doesn't want to be just someone to be used and then casted aside without explanation. If nothing else, he would want a clear end before Merlin would start to date someone else. (Of course that won't happen... don't worry.)

Millamaxwell12 It's because I like torturing people, of course! ...That didn't come out right... Oh, Arthur has already saved Merlin from doing something stupid a lot of times, he just doesn't know it himself ;) It's good to hear that you liked the character developements. The main reason this story is so freaking long, is that I needed realistic amounts of time for all these people to get to know eachothers. But yes, now we are going somewhere and the plot is moving steadily forward. I hope you will enjoy the rest too :)

8OrangeMatilda8 Yep, even _Arthur_ knew it was obvious... If Merlin had even a bit self confidense at this point, he would have taken one look at Arthur and undestood too... But that's where our boys are right now, clueless and not understanding one another fully. But lets be happy for what they got and I promise more to come :) Just for my curiosity... How much did you reread?


	22. Chapter 22 - An idea

Arthur was just starting his warm up routine when he saw Lance going in circles trying to do at least three things at the same time. He had a stack of papers under his arm and a box in his hands that should contain a new net for their goals. Hopefully. The last ones they had gotten via post had been too small and the ones they currently had... well, let's say they didn't have enough holes. Arthur knew that Lance was the one who was working as hard as he was for this team and he really had grown to depend on him. If he had once thought that Lance was too young, he couldn't remember that anymore. But the fact was that he could use some help...

That sparked something in Arthurs brain and he lost all of his concentration for a while. When he remembered again where he was, he noted happily that he had done this routine so many times that he had actually continued in autopilot and nobody seemed like they had noticed. With the confidence that he could manage without concentrating, he let his thoughts drift. The summer was nearing and the team would have summer practiced twice a week. If he could convince his father that Merlin would come with him to help the team, he could drive him to the school and Merlin could visit Gaius and Gwaine while Arthur was in the practice. He felt excited of this idea. Merlin would be happy and the less there was grumpy Merlin in this world the happier Arthur was.

He thought all the possibilities and decided that it would be the best if he asked Lance to help him. If his father called him to check how Merlin was doing and Lance didn't know anything, they would both be in so much trouble that Arthur didn't even want to think about that.

So after the practice was over, Arthur lingered behind and when all the rest were gone he went to speak with Lance. "Ah, Arthur, good job today, as always." Lance grinned at him when he approached him. "Thank you. Can I talk with you? As a friend." Lance couldn't say no to that. He and Arthur had more or less been equally leading the team for almost two years now and their ages were close, so they had naturally fallen to a friends category rather than a teacher and a student relationship. "Yes, of course." Lance replied without hesitating. "It's about Merlin… My- our father is a bit controlling…" Arthur decided to go straight to the point. "and it's kind of hard for him to go anywhere, he doesn't have a car either..."

Lance was looking at him in the eye waiting when he would enter the picture. "...and I was wondering, if I could tell my father that Merlin is helping out during the summer practices? Then I could drive him to here and he could have some time with some friends…" An understanding came to Lances face. "So you want me to lie to your father if he ever asks if Merlin has been here?" Arthur nodded hesitantly. He didn't like the word 'lie' and asking it so directly made him uneasy.  
"Is there really no possibility that your father would let Merlin see his friends otherwise? Have you tried talking to him?" Arthur frowned a bit. No he hadn't talked to his father but he knew him. He would want to meet these friends and their parents and after seeing an old man and, well, Gwaine, there was no way even he could convince Uther to let Merlin see them. "Not really…" Arthur just said. "He doesn't really understand things like free time." He just answered to Lances second question.

Lance sighed and scratched his neck looking a bit uncomfortable. "I have noticed that Merlin doesn't get too much free time. Gwen has mentioned it to me also…" He blushed a bit at mentioning Gwen. God Arthur wished he wasn't that see-trough. "Those friends you mentioned, do you mean Gwen?" Lance sounded bit unsure and Arthur knew he had to convince him that nothing bad would come out of this. He shook his head. "No… they are not from this school, but I have met them and they are nice." Arthur hoped that Lance would never find out about the alcohol Gwaine was selling to Merlin.

Lance looked even more unsure so Arthur decided to continue "Actually one of them is an elder man Merlin helps to clean and stuff." Lance rose his eyebrows in surprise "Is that safe?" Lance looked worried now. Arthur hadn't even thought of that, maybe because he really hadn't had any time to wonder how Gaius was before meeting him and if someone was safe, it had to be Gaius. "Yes, I have been there also and he was…" Arthur had to think hard how to describe Gaius. Fun? Understanding? Safe? Clever? He found a small smile playing on his lips "A great person. I like him and Merlin seems to really care for him."

Lance looked at him with a serious look in his eyes but eventually he gave up. "Well, I guess I'm not the one who can tell you to follow the rules… " He seemed a bit ashamed with himself and Arthur wondered if he could tell him how happy Gwen seemed and that it was alright without sounding awkward. "If Merlin really would come here to help every other time, I could give him some extra credit for the work he does and then I at least have something I can tell your father if he asks how Merlin is doing."

Arthur beamed at him. He was so excited, he couldn't wait to tell Merlin… "Thank you, really. I'll make sure everything is alright so you don't have to worry about that." He wanted to assure Lance. He was doing a huge favour to Arthur and he really appreciated it.

* * *

When Arthur had left, Lance wondered what he had stuck his head in. If something, anything happened to Merlin, he would never forgive himself. Also his job was on the line and lying… He had never liked that. Well technically he would just left it unmentioned that Merlin was in the practice just every other day but still… He was worried about Merlin. Was everything alright? It certainly didn't seem healthy that Arthur seemed to think that the only way for Merlin to get out of their house to help someone, was to lie it was for school. He knew some parents, especially in this school, could be obsessed about the credits and how their children would succeed, but this was somehow different. Lance wasn't that worried about Arthur. If anything he had seemed happy with his life especially lately, but Merlin. They were so different. Merlin seemed sometimes like he wasn't really present. There was just something that Lance didn't get and it still bugged him.

Now that the opportunity had risen, Lance decided to keep a close eye on Merlin. He had been worried many times before, but Merlin had always gotten a good head on his shoulders and Lance had decided to trust on Merlin when he told Lance not to worry. He had always gotten better after all and Gwen too had told Lance that Merlin was not in any kind of trouble. If not counting the skipping history incident… Still, it felt a good thing that he would see Merlin once a week through the summer.

* * *

Arthur almost danced to his car and drove a little bit too fast to tell the news to Merlin. The whole way Arthur felt that he could not get home fast enough. After parking his car, Arthur run upstair two steps at a time, but Merlin was nowhere to be seen and after he had checked Merlin's room, his own room and garden Arthur was confused. "Where is that idiot?" He wondered out loud standing in the middle of the field he used to play football. He went back upstairs and knocked again on Merlins door. He wasn't waiting for a reply because he had already checked once, but there Merlin was. He was sitting on his couch reading, what else.  
Arthur blinked in confusion. Merlin looked at him briefly but then returned to his reading, ignoring Arthur as usual. "You could answer your door if you are in, you know?" Arthur said, not really meaning much to it. "Well, I would have, if you had given me more than a millisecond to answer it." Merlin said and Arthur had to admit that Merlin was right. Not out loud of course.

"Anyway, I have something I want to tell to you." Arthur found again his excitement. He walked across the room and sat right next to Merlin. Merlin moved just few centimetres away and Arthur took that as a progress. Just a month ago Merlin would have moved to sit at least one meter away and last summer he would have moved to sit to another furniture altogether. He smiled brightly and Merlin looked confused. Well, it should look like Arthur was just grinning like a lunatic with no tried to shallow his excitement and he concentrated on speaking calmly.  
"I have an idea-" He started "Always a bad thing…" Merlin commented with straight face. Arthur pushed Merlin's shoulder more amused than annoyed and Merlin laughed a little. Arthur loved to hear Merlin laugh.

"Lance promised he would give extra credit if you helped out in every other summer practices." Merlin looked at him now confused, but he let Arthur continue "And well, father doesn't have to know that you are not helping in every practice..." Merlin now seemed very interested and Arthur added "so you could go see Gaius and Gwaine during that time." His words did just what he had wanted them to do. Merlin smiled. Arthur was so pleased with himself that he had trouble staying still. "I can drive you and then we will leave together when the practice is over. I could call Gaius and ask which days are best for him." Merlin nodded at him and kept smiling "That's awesome." He told Arthur sincerely "Thank you!"

Merlin had missed the elder man greatly and he had thought of him every day. Arthur's idea had it's risks but he pushed them from his mind. He couldn't ruin this from himself. Merlin wanted to hug Arthur, he was so happy. He wanted to show Arthur how much this meant to him...

'now, make me happy…' Uther's words echoed in Merlins mind and he was suddenly on his knees Uther's erection just centimetres away from his face. His words died in his throat and he felt sick. He must have made a weird sound or look because Arthurs expression had changed.

Merlin cleared his throat and laughed a little nervously. He concentrated on asking Arthur if he could tell Uther that he would stay tomorrow to talk with Lance about the arrangements. Arthur relaxed and they planned which way of asking was the best. They decided on asking at dinner. With Hunith present Uther would probably be more receiving.

After that Merlin taught some of the chemistry he had now memorised to Arthur and Arthur was pleased how easy it was to understand when Merlin was teaching him. After they agreed to do they homework together later in Arthurs room, Arthur left to call Lance if Merlin could come tomorrow already.  
Merlin let himself fall to the couch so his face was where Arthur had sat. The spot smelled slightly like Arthur and he closed his eyes for a moment to enjoy that. He wondered how it would feel to have his head on Arthurs lap. He was happy that he could help Arthur with chemistry and not… not that… He shuddered at the image of Uther's thing and the words of making him happy or being obedient, a good boy…

Merlin suddenly felt sick. He rose quickly back to a sitting position, his breathing heavy like he had just run. 'No, no, no, no, Arthur would never want that…' Or would he? He wondered was that something he could do for Arthur. How would it differ to sucking Uther? Would Arthur be gentler or would he smell better? Uther's smell filled his nostrils and he had to move to his bathroom. He breathed too fast now and he leaned to his toilet seat.

He didn't throw up, but he had to stay there for a long time before he could be sure that he wouldn't vomit. 'I can't do it…' he thought. He felt the whole idea of getting on his knees repulsive and he couldn't stop hearing and smelling and feeling ghosts of Uther when he even thought of the possibility. And to him Arthur felt pure and normal and he didn't want to ruin that anymore than he already had. But if Arthur asked him to do that, Merlin knew that he couldn't say no… He hoped Arthur never would.

Merlin wasn't hungry. Again. But he kept putting the food in his mouth with a steady rhythm. 'Cut, in, chew, two, three, cut, in chew…' he ate with a mantra. Hunith was happy but seemed tired. She had lot to do before her exams but she was happy that the night shifts were over. It was about halfway through dinner when Uther had asked all the basic questions of their school day and homework situation "We still have some to do, but don't worry father, we are going to do them together after dinner." Arthur said almost sweetly to his father when he finally asked if they had finished their homework. Merlin wished Uther wouldn't forbid that too, but he just nodded at that. Everything to do with school seemed to hold a different priority to Uther. Merlin had learned just this spring how Arthur had managed to go to see his friends every time with an excuse of doing school work.

"Father, I have talked with our football coach and he said Merlin could come and help us during our practices and summer practices to earn extra credit for PE." Uther turned his head towards Merlin "Do you need extra credit?" His voice wasn't pleased but he was toning it down in Hunith's presence. Merlin nodded and tried to shallow the food he had in his mouth without succeed. "Dear, it's marvellous isn't it? Merlin spends too much time inside, some sports and fresh air would do him good." Hunith smiled at Merlin and told him "I am so proud of you Merlin, you have been working very hard this year." Merlin smiled at her and finally shallowed. Uther didn't look as pleased as his wife, but he smiled not to seem too demanding. It didn't fool Merlin.

"Then would you drive him home, Arthur?" Arthur nodded and told that it was no trouble and that Merlin would be a great help for their team. He even made an elaborated story of how much there was work to do and how their coach would have much more time for the team if he didn't have to run around doing errands. Uther seemed to get convinced and when Arthur mentioned the extra credit again Uther even smiled at them. That was rare and Merlin found himself to relax. He was going to meet Gaius again… Hopefully he would have time tomorrow already to go to see him and tell that he would start visiting again.

Merlin studied with Arthur until it was late. He made sure that Arthur knew everything backwards. He only stopped when Arthur started to yawn every other second. They were sitting side by side leaning on Arthurs couch like they usually did and Merlin knew he was sitting too close to Arthur, but when Arthur didn't move away himself, Merlin gave up to his want to stay close. 'Maybe I'm too self conscious. It seems that Arthur doesn't even notice… Maybe he sits this close to any of his friends and I'm just making this a huge deal…' On the other hand he decided that he wouldn't make a habit of this. It was hard to concentrate at times Arthur so close to him and he almost felt like Arthur could hear his unclean thoughts when he was this close.

When Arthur closed his last book and notes of chemistry, Merlin leaned on his direction automatically, but Arthur just turned to his direction and smiled with no care of the world. Merlin pulled back fast. He kicked himself mentally, he had been expecting a kiss. He felt his face heat. 'Idiot!' he told to himself but Arthur luckily didn't seem to notice. "Thank you Merlin, this was a lot of help." Merlin stopped blaming himself immediately and felt pleased instead. He smiled at Arthur. He had been able to help Arthur after all. He had something else than what Uther made him be at nights that he could use to give some of the help he had received from Arthur back.

When Merlin smiled back at Arthur, Arthur leaned towards Merlin and kissed him tenderly on the lips. Merlin melted to the kiss immediately. Arthur gave him butterfly kisses to his lips until Merlin started to move his lips with Arthur. The kiss was slightly different from what they usually were. Somehow a bit stronger. Merlin wondered was it because they were sitting so close. He usually kept as much distance to their bodies in fear of unwanted reactions as possible. Or maybe because Arthur seemed so relaxed? Merlin rose his hands in front of him to shield himself maybe to slow Arthur down a bit, but that didn't work so well. Arthur pushed a little closer and now Merlins hands were squeezed in between his and Arthurs chest. He felt Arthurs chest muscles through his t-shirt. Arthur was warm and soft, in a firm way, not bony at all like Merlin was.

Arthur deepened their kiss slightly taking Merlins lover lip in between his lips and wrapped his arm around Merlin pulling him to his embrace. Merlin stopped thinking then. A barrier broke inside inside him and he suddenly wanted to be closer to Arthur. As close as possible. His fingers wrapped to take a hold of Arthurs shirt and he opened his mouth slightly. Arthurs tongue licked his lover lip first hesitantly and lightly but when Merlin opened his mouth a bit more he got more confidence.

The kiss lasted longer than ever before and even if Merlin was hard like a stone he just moved his legs slightly so Arthur couldn't accidentally touch it with his leg. The sitting position was getting uncomfortable but neither seemed to mind much. And Merlin wanted more… He wanted to be closer, like his heart wanted to be closer to Arthur's and he pressed himself to Arthur's chest with more force. Arthur bought his other hand to hug Merlin and he pushed towards Merlin slightly.

With their position not too stable Merlin felt his balance waver. He suddenly became too aware to what this could lead to. He pulled back and placed one of his hands to the floor to stabilise himself. It didn't take long before Arthur too slowly pulled back and it almost hurt when Merlin felt Arthurs warm arms be replaced by cold air. He turned to lean on the couch and he moved to hug his knees so Arthur couldn't see the bulge on his pants. This position had started to feel like a habit.

They were silent for a while Arthur trying desperately find something to say. Arthur hoped that he hadn't gone too far… what if Merlin would get scared of him? He really didn't want that to happen. Merlin was calming down. He felt a war of feelings inside of him. He didn't know what had happened. He had lost all control over himself. What if he had fallen Arthur on top of him? Arthur would have noticed his hard on and Merlin was sure that would lead Arthur understanding that he had such dirty thoughts of him and that would lead him hating Merlin for sure. Maybe he would even tell Uther… Merlin shuddered and buried his head deeper into his knees (This movement made Arthur almost panic, he was now sure he had gone too far…) Merlins heart razed. He felt want and lust and need to be closer to Arthur but at the same time the thought of letting Arthur know that and the thought of sex itself won over them.

He felt very vividly how dirty he was. How Uther had made every bit of him soiled and he could never touch Arthur with his dirty body. But he had been close. He would blame himself for this for a long time. But now he couldn't do that. He had to say something to Arthur who hadn't said anything either. He raised his chin a word 'sorry' already on his lips when he saw Arthurs face.

There was worry written all over it and Merlin felt shamed that he had left Arthur there to think that he was at fault here. He had to tell him that was not the case. "Sorry about that…" He started with a quiet voice with no idea what he was going to say next. Arthur looked at him confuse now mixing with worry and Merlin tried to lighten the mood "How- I mean who taught you to kiss like that?" Arthur seemed to breath again but he blushed a little.

Merlin wasn't really expecting an answer and he was about to continue when Arthur said "you…" without looking at Merlin. Merlin blushed darkly and turned his head also. "I mean I haven't really kissed anyone else before…" Arthur continued and Merlin felt his heart raze. He was the only one that Arthur had kissed… His heart swell with happiness but his mind told it to stop that, that he was being selfish and he felt guilty that he had taken Arthurs first kiss(es).

"I… I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable…" Arthur said his voice shaking a little. 'No… it wasn't your fault' Merlin thought "it's alright… I was just surprised." he said instead. "I- it kind of got out of hand… I guess it was too much…" Arthur continued. 'No, I wanted it… I made you do it…' "Yeah…" Merlin was too afraid to be even remotely truthful and while he wanted to make Arthur know he wasn't at fault here, it was too easy just pretend it was just an unwanted accident and hopefully forget it.

"I promise it wont happen again so…" Arthur watched Merlins reaction very keenly. 'No, don't promise, I wan't more…' Merlin hurt when he realised that the possibility to kiss Arthur like that was getting wiped away but he still couldn't say anything else than "Yeah… it's for the best." He rose up happy that his erection had settled down and took his books. "Good night Arthur." He said from the door and closed it before Arthur had a change to reply. He went to his own room, closed the door and cried. He had messed everything up and now he wanted Arthur more and more. Was nothing enough for him?

He had made Arthur kiss him and now apparently Arthur liked to kiss him also. He didn't know for his life why. Was it because Arthur was curious and he didn't have time for girlfriend and Merlin just happened to be there? Convenient and available. Could he have infected Arthur with his homosexuality and now Arthur would also want to experiment kissing and other things with boys? Would he test it out with Merlin? Or was he just so innocent that he wanted to try kissing and it didn't really matter who but he would get crossed out if he ever knew Merlins real intentions?

Merlin wiped his eyes. He had to stop this. He couldn't let Arthur get sucked to his darkness anymore. His heart hurt with that thought and he felt it impossible. He wanted to be in Arthurs arms so much… But he had to. He could't be so near to Arthur anymore. He would sit further from him and he would not kiss him anymore. He couldn't just stop suddenly so Arthur wouldn't think he did something wrong but maybe, if he could just answer the kiss if Arthur made a move himself and make it brief and light and eventually avoid kissing as much as possible, maybe Arthur would just forget it. Merlin had to try. To protect him.  
He breathed in and rose from the floor. He had to get himself ready for tomorrow and get some sleep. He bagged his gym clothes and a towel just in case and headed for a shower. He felt himself get hard at the memory of Arthurs kissing him with tongue but he refused to even look at himself. He washed quickly and ignored his erection while dressing to his pyjamas. He didn't know if Uther would come tonight. Maybe not because his wife was home… But Merlin didn't dare to go to his couch yet. If Uther found him sleeping there he would forbid it for sure and Merlin couldn't take that right now. So he climbed to his bed feeling like it was about to eat him. He usually waited reading or writing but after crying, Merlin was extremely tired. He soon felt his eyes close and he tried to psyche himself for that he would either wake up in the morning, lying in his bed or in the middle of the night woken up by Uther.

* * *

Merlin woke up in the morning when his alarm clock went off. He jumped out of his bed like it had burned him. His room was filled with morning light and that was the only thing that kept him silent and not screaming heap of panic until he could really understand that it was morning and he had slept trough the night.  
After he realised that, Merlin actually felt fine. He had slept soundly the whole night for once having enough space for his legs and his bed was a very comfortable bed… His heart was still razing and he wiped some cold sweat from his forehead but otherwise than that, he felt good. Actually the world seemed nice and bright this morning. Merlin wondered how much of his depression was from him not sleeping well enough and being constantly hungry. 'Maybe I could sleep in my bed more often…' He mused before he remembered why he had stopped sleeping in it in the first place, but somehow it didn't matter so much anymore… maybe he could at least sleep in it when he was quite sure Uther wouldn't come at night. Waking up because of Uther filled him with terror but he didn't want to think that right now.

Merlin dressed and headed downstairs where he saw a bit uncomfortable looking Arthur. Had he started to regret last night? Had he realised what it could have led to? Merlin heard blood pump in his ears. He had decided that he would stop kissing Arthur but he didn't want him to hate him…  
He said Arthur good morning as normally as he could manage and was happy that Arthur seemed to cheer up a bit and replied to his greeting. Arthur finished his breakfast just when Merlin sat down with his. He had taken as much as he thought he could possibly eat and Arthur seemed to find that hilarious. "Leave something to the rest of us, will you." Merlin smirked at him finding their normal interaction comfortable. "You ate yours already so no complaining. Besides if I ate as much as you do in a normal day we would have to sell you to a circus to cover the costs." Arthur laughed at him and told him that Merlin himself would be much more entertaining and more likely to be chosen to sell to a circus "I bet you would make a good circus monkey…" Merlin pushed his arm lightly trying to look annoyed and failing. Arthur smiled at him a smile that made Merlins world even more bright. He lowered his gaze to his breakfast and took one of his cheese sandwiches feeling his cheeks heat a little. Arthur collected his plate and ruffled Merlin hair on is way to kitchen. Merlin blushed which Arthur missed. This morning was good…

After school Merlin couldn't seem to believe his luck. He hadn't seen Uther at night, he hadn't seen him in the morning and now, he could go home with Arthur three hours later than usual. Awesome! He had eaten well and he was feeling great. Somehow he had even found his quilt dim a little after a good cry and a good night sleep.

Arthur had also been in a good mood the whole day so they joked and laughed as they were walking towards the gym. Lance was pleased to see Merlin look so happy and he felt like he had done the right thing when Merlin seemed genuinely happy to do the chores he showed him. First they changed nets for the goals while Arthur was doing the warm up routine and they laughed when Merlin found a hole he could climp trough. Lance seemed tired to Merlin and he was happy to help. The chores Lance gave him weren't' hard to complete, but he still praised Merlin as if he had done something truly impressive. It felt good.

Lance hadn't yet been able to make up the routine Merlin would have in the summer, so there was not enough to do for the whole practice givng Merlin some time he could enjoy watching Arthur lead the team. It was impressive how Arthur could make the team function and the players make the best of themselves. The guys in the team seemed to know this also and they really respected Arthur, Merlin could tell. Lance was also giving good advise to the team and to Arthur and Merlin saw they played well together. Merlin could now understand why Arthur trusted Lance and it was well earned.

About half way trough the practice they had a brake and Lance told Merlin about the things he could do during the summer and asked when he would be here. They agreed that Merlin would come every monday and then go to his own business on thursdays. To Lance it was alright and he told Merlin that if he wanted to go now somewhere he could. "I don't have much for you to do right now, honestly I had not prepared myself to have any help today, but in the summer I will trust you to prepare the stuff we need and help with some of the paperwork I have to do. Mostly statistics."

Merlin smiled at Lance and left as quickly as he could. Lance looked after him and shook his head. He was happy to see Merlin so animated but he really had to keep an eye on him. After all he had thought before, he was worried how he was doing at home.

Merlin jogged out of the school grounds. He was happy, so happy and it gave him energy. He was practically laughing when he saw Gwaine's store. There were some customers, apparently it really was busier this time a day as Gwaine had told Merlin before. Gwaine was behind his counter selling someone some candy but as soon as he saw Merlin he smiled at him brightly. "I thought you had gotten bored of me." He said smiling happily. Merlin waved him a bit and told him that he had been caught by his teacher making Gwaine laugh like he understood very well.

Some old lady came to pay and Gwaine had to concentrate on her for a while. Merlin looked around and decided to buy himself a sandwich. He could share it with Arthur on the way home, Arthur was sure to be hungry after the practice. Gwaine put the sandwich into a plastic bag and one beer with it and winked. Merlin took the bag feeling like he could hug Gwaine. He would need this beer eventually. They talked a bit and Gwaine was happy to hear he would visit him every week at summer "Thursdays are good. It's usually quiet in between twelve to about four o'clock so I'll have time for you." Merlin left the store soon after that. He didn't find himself comfortable in the store when there were so many people he didn't know and he wanted to make it to Gaiuses house as well.

Gaius was surprised and happy to see him and he immediately pulled Merlin in for some tea. Merlin hid his plastic bag near the entrance outside. He didn't want Gaius to see he had bought beer. Gaius was happy to hear that Merlin would visit him regularly and that it wasn't during school hours. Merlin didn't mention that he was lying to his mother and step-father about where he was, but he was happy to see Gaius. They talked a while and Merlin helped Gaius to get some books from top of his shelf.

When it was time to go, Merlin hugged the old man and told him he would look forward to summer. Gaius laughed at him asking if all kids of his age didn't, and took Merlin to the door. He was happy to see Merlin again and well. He had been worried when Merlin hadn't showed up one week. He had received a phone call from Arthur telling him everything was alright, but that they couldn't visit because his father grounded them. That had made sense to Gaius, but he had been sad that he didn't have his visitor anymore. He hadn't been sure if Merlin could get a permission to visit him again. After all he was an adult and he should have repotted to the school or even to Merlins parents where he was and when, but somehow he had never done that. 'Well, I'm clad that things turned out this way.' He thought to himself. There was only few weeks to summer and he already started planing what he could do with Merlin. 'Maybe he would like to play some scrabble with me…' He shook his head a little to himself. It had been long time since he had been this excited about something. 'I must be growing old…'

When Arthur walked to his car, Merlin was there waiting for him. He was eating one of Gwaine's sandwiches and Arthurs stomach grumbled. He wasn't sure if Merlin just happened to look at his direction or if he had heard his stomach but he smiled at him anyway making Arthurs tiredness fly away. He opened his cars backseat door and threw his stuff in. Merlin did the same and they sat in the car. Merlin offered him the rest of his sandwich and Arthur took it gratefully. He had almost finished eating before he realised it was chicken. "Hey, since when have you eaten meat again?" Merlin looked a bit ashamed and said "Well I didn't think you would want vegetarian one… and I actually haven't told Gaius or Gwaine about that… it's too much trouble for them I think." Arthur nodded at that. It made sense. It's not like Merlin was allergic to meat and making an old man like Gaius be considerate of things like that was kinda rude in a way.

They drove home talking about how Gaius and Gwaine were and how the part where Merlin had been in the practice had went. Merlin didn't admit that he had admired Arthurs style but Arthur sort of guessed it a bit and teased Merlin about joining his fan club which made Merlin demand the rest of his sandwich back. They had fun. Merlin again remembered how important Arthurs friendship was to him. He could give up the kissing any day if it meant he could keep this. It was pity that the reality was more complicated than that.

* * *

The rest of the school year was busy. The exams were coming and Uther made it known that they were expected to get the highest marks possible in every subject. Merlin heard one evening how Hunith was arguing with Uther if he was going too far, it was too much pressure to try to be on the top of everything. But Uther stayed firm on his opinion and told Hunith that it was no use on expecting to be the second best. His way would make the boys work harder and accomplish something with their lives. Merlin thought that it was not Uther's business if he accomplished something or not with his life.

Still Merlin didn't have to do anything special. Even if he wasn't really interested himself anymore of most of the subjects and studying hadn't been his only way of escaping reality for a while, Merlin had found new motivation from helping Arthur who wasn't so 'lucky'. He had his busiest season in football and a horrible amount of stress piling on his shoulders. At the same time they had more homework and assignments than ever and Merlin was doing his best to help Arthur to get through them. He was clad that he could help but he didn't like to see how tired Arthur really was. When one evening they were sitting again leaning to the couch Merlin explaining one thing or the other about human biology he suddenly felt Arthurs weight on his shoulder. He froze. When Arthur didn't make any kind of movement Merlin finally dared to turn his head and he saw Arthur had fallen asleep.

Merlin didn't know what to do. The contact felt weird but not unwanted and soon Merlin became to like it. Sleeping Arthur was also a nice sight and he looked so tired… Merlin didn't have heart to wake him up.

He pushed Arthur gently so his head would lean to the couch instead and moved to take a blanket of some sorts but Arthur mumbled something and moved his hands to hug him. Merlin made a small 'eep' sound and fell back to a sitting position. His cheeks burned and he was starting to be very conscious of the unlocked door. What if someone walked in and saw Arthur hugging him? Uther would definitely blame Merlin… He tried to free himself as gently as possible but Arthur was strong and his limb heavy when he was asleep. Merlin sighed eventually and gave up. Arthur was warm and he smelled nice. Merlin decided that to Arthur he wasn't one to blame so he could as well enjoy this while it lasted and well, he would just have to hope that if someone came in, they would knock first.

Arthur had dozed off for a second but he had woken up when Merlin tried to move him. He was tired and he didn't want to wake up. He didn't have any strength in his limbs. He kind of tried to tell Merlin to let him sleep and he hugged Merlin closer to his side. Arthur thought it was better if Merlin didn't realise he was awake so he just stayed there not moving. Merlin tried to get away for a while but eventually gave up. Arthur felt really good like this and he felt himself nod of again. He smelled Merlins shampoo from where he was leaning and he liked it very much. He drifted in between sleep and awake for a while until his neck hurt and he thought that he had to let Merlin go. He slowly moved his arms in a way like he was stirring from his sleep and opened his eyes. Merlin was reading a book and he made no movement to indicate that Arthurs leaning to him was any sort of an uncommon thing. That made Arthur hope it really would be so. That they were really dating and that they would live together and that him leaning to Merlin's shoulder was an everyday occurrence.

Merlin looked at him and gave him a small smile. "You should go to sleep, we can continue tomorrow." He said and started to gather his things. Arthur knew that Merlin was right. He should sleep. But he didn't want Merlin to go. "Couldn't you sleep here tonight?" He asked before he could think it trough. Merlin stopped what he was doing and for a moment he looked like he would say yes, but then he adverted his eyes and looked… bitter?

"I can't. You remember what your father said." Arthur frowned at that. He hadn't thought of what his father had said after that day, but Merlin seemed to remember and Arthur didn't want him to remember how sleeping in his room was shameful and gay. "I don't care." That's it. He had said that. He didn't care what his father thought of him liking boys. He didn't care what his father thought about Merlin either. He didn't even know if Merlin was gay but if he was, Arthur would be glad.

Merlin was surprised. He wasn't sure if Arthur really meant what he hoped he meant but it made him happy even if a bit unsure. He wanted to say so badly that he neither, but he couldn't because he really cared. His whole life was based on Uthers opinions and defying him would just make him suffer more. That and Uther hadn't been in his room for days now. The changes were high of him coming tonight and if Merlin wasn't there… he didn't dare to think about that. He looked at the floor and continued collecting his stuff. "I don't want any trouble…" Arthur felt his heart sink. He practically had told Merlin (kinda) that he liked him and Merlin had practically replied that he didn't. Or at lest that it wasn't worth the trouble.

He turned his head away and listened Merlin get up and walk away. When he heard Merlin tell him good night with a quiet voice he didn't reply. He soon heard the door close and he hit the floor. He was frustrated and sad and he regretted of saying anything. This was so unfair. He liked Merlin so much… and yet he couldn't even say it to him straight. And because of his father was so… well anyway, he couldn't even talk to anyone about this. He didn't want to speak with Hunith because he didn't know her so well and his best friend was the source of his problems. While he liked his team mates and especially Elyan, he really couldn't talk with any of them. They wouldn't understand and he wasn't sure if he understood even himself really. Why was he in love with Merlin? Couldn't he have fallen for someone else? Like, if this was his way of finding out he was gay, couldn't he have fallen for someone from his team? Someone handsome or something? Or even to some actor or what ever. Why to his supposed-to-be-brother? What if he was some kind of pervert. Wasn't there a name to this? Incest… He shuddered and felt horrible. Maybe it was good that Merlin had left. It would be better to everyone if he stayed away from Arthur.

Arthur didn't bother to shower that night and he slept poorly even thought he was tired to the bone. He even tried his couch the way Merlin always slept and while it was in a way comforting, it reminded him constantly of Merlin and made him unable to sleep. He was sure he hadn't slept at all but when his alarm woke him up, he realised that he must have fallen asleep at some point. There was only one and a half week school left and Arthur vowed to get trough them and then he would sleep for at least a week. His father having an opinion about it or not. And preferably he would do so with Merlin at least in the same room. Maybe he could arrange a sleepover at Elyan's some weekend… That would also show Merlin that he could just sleep next to him and nothing would come out of it. This thought gave him enough strength to crawl out of is bed. One and a half weeks left…

* * *

A/N Hello! I'm back home and I have internet again! I love summer so much, the country side is so beautiful and I got to swim in a lake and eat too much food grilled with camping fire. Merlin is really at his limits now. He has enormous stress and on top of that he wants to act like himself with Arthur. Even at home and the walls between his school-self and the real self are crumbling. Soon there is no way that it can be ignored.

I'd like to expres my gratitude for Blood Thirsty Angle for reading this chapter in advantage and correcting some spelling mistakes and giving me some advise, thank you!

And the same goes for my lovely reviewers! I find myself updating my account many times a day just to see if I have gotten more comments. I love to hear your opinions and your questions and I truly feel that there is a point in my hobby of writing. I wish I can have the support you have given me till the end of my story and that you will continue to enjoy it :) Have a nice week you all, I'll update the next chapter on wednesday!

bubzchoc Thank you :)

mersan123 Hi! I might be a little bit scared to know what you would do with Uther in only five minutes... To answer your wondering, Gwaine doesn't think much, it's not that unusual for a regular customer not to show up. It usually doesn't mean they are dead (even if in the neighbour there lives quite a few old people and with them one can never be entirely sure...), but the second week on the row he wonders a bit. Gaius on the other hand is first confused and then annoyed and then a bit worried. But both did miss Merlin. They like him. This is not maybe explained in the chapter very well, so I thought I'd just tell you. I have a horrendous amount of side notes from where I get this all... I might have added a little bit of Susan here and there :) I'm relieved to hear that the language is not that different, but I might have to use that line you wrote :D G'day mate!

LordOfTehRainbow I hope that you like merthur, because that will just increase towards the end :D I love the way you wonder what is going to happen next and most of the times you are very near or guessing stuff that I don't want to spoil for you, but to answer some, Morgana will make her appearance and then you will see what is her story. So far we know that in her teens she and Uther didn't get along and that at least once Uther has lost his temper totaly with her and hit her (btw, that is so not right thing to do!). And yep, Uther has done all of those things to Merlin. That is the long term horrible side of sexual abuse. It's not just that someone sticks a body part in a child and that might hurt, but the emotional trauma which is different for everyone. Merlin reacts by shutting down and physically stressing with his stomach. He is depressed which at times makes him moody and at times uninterested and distracted. About if Uther would actually do the same thing for his son... well, I have written a profile of Uther, and maybe that would give some answers, but I think that I'll put it in authors notes when it won't spoil anything. The good thing when making a realistic scenario is that there is not just one path. That keeps the possibilities open. If you are interested, I can send the profile to you in advantage :) Btw, I didn't know there was a one review limit per chapter... But if you feel that you forgot to ask something, you can always PM me :)

Angel Dove1 Yeah, it's not that obvious thing to guess that ones father is raping their step brother... But at the same time it feels that everything is not quite right. Gaius would do good for Arthur, even if he is not abused that way, he has not received the love he deserves. Thank you for telling me your favourite part :) I enjoyed writing that one, so I'm very happy to hear you liked it too.

Skypeoplephoenix732 O.o You scare me a little bit... Yeah, Merlin is just now so wrapped up inside of himself that he can't see what is quite obvious before him. That and he's a teenager, nothing about love is obvious with teenagers. Now the homophobic slur hits also Arthur even if Uther doesn't know that yet. It's not good that Arthur has to hear it even if he already knows what his father thinks of the theme. But that he got to see really how strongly Merlin reacts to it... well, at least they are getting to know each other better... I tried to find that story from bible, but I guess that it's named differently in my language. What a gory book that one is...

Guest Very interesting question, so far we have seen Uther use those pictures for scaring and blackmailing Merlin to do what he wants. I haven't written anything in point of Uther's view, so I think it won't spoil much if I tell you that you can think those pictures also as childpornography. It is a high compliment to me that you don't know how this story is going to turn out :) I like it very much that my story is not predictable, so I'll not tell you what is going to happen, sorry about that ;) I hope you will continue reading and to hear what you think about the results when we get there!

Vivaly First of all I want to say that you write in english very well so no worries :) I tell you this, but english is actually my third language, so I'm not sure who I'm to speak... It's so nice to hear that you have liked my story (enough to read all of this in two days!) and that you like the slow pace, I was quite worried if nobody would like my story because it's so slow... Yeah, Hunith and Merlin are growing apart and that is very sad and very slow and hard to turn around in the future. I'm happy to tell you that you will see more Lance in the next chapters :) He has been a bit slow and yes, teachers are supposed to learn to see this kind of things, but it's not easy and Lance is not actually a taecher, but a substitute. Lance sees Merlin along with almost 25 students two hours every week. On last class of monday. And his step-brother is fine and he knows him and he knows that Arthur likes Merlin. It's not very likely that there is something wrong at home or at least it's very unlikely and is very hard to start to pursue. He has tried to find signs of buling at school and other troubles but had found nothing. At the same time his coleagues are not interested... to his credit, he has tried everything he should and more. Please tell me what you think about Lance's actions from now on, I would be truly interested :)


	23. Chapter 23 - Sexed

This day, Merlin decided, was not his day at all. The last thing they were supposed to learn in human biology was reproduction and male and female anatomy and Merlin hadn't looked forward to this. While he had read the book, he was still uncomfortable with the subject and he knew that the class would go crazy. So for obvious reasons he hadn't looked forward to this lesson but their teacher seemed to enjoy making his life a misery and added sex education to the mix.

Merlin was horrified when their (female) teacher told them that the girls would stay in their regular class room with her and boy's PE teacher would get the boys to another class room. The girls were giggling and the boys were making snide remarks on the subject. Merlin rolled his eyes and the only thing that made him feel a bit better was Arthur who made it clear that he felt the same. At least Merlin wasn't suffering alone. Gwen waved at him looking sympathetic and odly calm herself. How unnatural was that?!

Merlin followed the rest of the boys of his class and wondered if anyone would notice if he just ran. Probably yes, so he was stuck. It didn't ease his mind at all that it would be Lance giving the lesson. Of course it was better than for example Geofrey, but Merlin knew Lance too well for this to be anything else than uncomfortable. The fact that he woud have to see him trough all summer wasn't helping at all.

The class room they used was an old english class room. It was a bit narrow and full of bookshelves. Merlin sat where he could which was a bit left from the centre two desk away from Arthur who was sitting by the window. It seemed that everyone wanted to sit in the back. Lance told them that he was well aware that this topic might be a bit uncomfortable but he assured them it was important and asked them to pay attention. 'No hope there...' Merlin thought drily.

Soon the class was mentally divided into two groups. To those who looked bored and were quiet (and probably uncomfortable as hell) and to those who found everything on the subject hilarious or perverted or both and made stupid comments (probably to hide that they were uncomfortable as hell) and laughed at almost everything they or Lance said.

They briefly went trough female and male anatomy and at some point Merlin let his forehead fall to his desk. He wanted to be shallowed by his desk and disappear…

But when Lance started to talk about sexuality and how it was different to everyone, things really got personal for Merlin. "There are many types of sexuality and everyone finds their own sexuality on their own way and time." Lance put up a new slide and Merlin heard snickering from behind him. He glanced at the slide and there was a picture where it said 'sexuality' on the top and there was a diagram of 'male features' on the x axel and 'female features' on the y axel. "Everyone falls to some area of this space. For example someone could find male traits or features slightly attractive but much more so the female traits-" "Like boobs!" someone from Merlins right commented and Merlin groaned to his table. This was torture. He had known that there were others like him already and he had known his class mates would laugh and point and scorn if they knew Merlin was one of them, but he really didn't need to see exactly what and how they would say and do if Merlin ever let his secret slip.

Some of the idiots laughed and Lance sighed but continued. "People also wary how important physical closeness it to them. For example if the closeness was very important to this person, they would be here..." Lance shover the right top corner area with his finger "and if not so much, they would be here." and he moved his finger to left bottom corner. "This doesn't mean that these people aren't able to love. It just means that their sexuality is that way. They don't find much interest in sex or physical closeness." "And so if you are in the bottom left, you are like supper gay?" again, some idiot commented. Merlin felt his face heat up and he remained resting his forehead on the cool surface of his desk. In fact he felt like banging his head onto it. He wished he could cover his ears and hum so he wouldn't hear anything.

Lance sighed again. It seemed he was getting tired of this as well. "No. It just means that in the case of this person begin a man he probably fancies men over women or women with masculine traits and value physical contact as a way to express their love." Many laughed at that and Merlin started to feel pity for Lance who had done his best to teach them about different people and different ways of learning trough the time he had been with them all while taking them all as individuals and encouraging them to find their own feet. Merlin thought that he never wanted to be a teacher.

"Moving from that, I want you all to understand that everyone finds their sexuality when they are ready for it. It might be very early or as late as when you are over 20 or even much, much later, but no-one should feel pressured to have sex until they are truly ready." Lances tone was suddenly very serious and even the idiots were a bit quiet now. Merlin found himself actually a bit interested on the subject. He trusted Lance and his words rang as truth in Merlin's ears. And for the first time ever he felt a bit like that maybe Lance would understand, maybe he wouldn't be one of those who would hurt him if he knew...

"Even if I'm quite sure some of you have already experimented on this kind of stuff, I want you to remember that there is no shame if you feel that you want to wait. And that if your partner ever says no, you will have to respect that and remember it doesn't mean the same thing as love." Merlin was truly interested now. He raised his head from the desk and listened.

"And as you are underaged or even after you are not, also remember that you always, _always_ have the right to tell what you want, or don't want to do with your body." Merlin could hear nome snickers from behind him, but he didn't care anymore. "If someone makes you have sex or touches you without you wanting them to, it's considered as a sexual assault or rape."

Some of the idiots found this incredibly funny and looked at each others trying to find a support for the next joke. One of them raised his hand and Lance gave him the change to ask a question "How can a man be raped? Cause if the chick was ugly or something I wouldn't be able to get it up…" The idiot section started to laugh loudly and Lance looked like he suffered as much as Merlin. He was really trying to get a message across and these idiots were ruining it. Merlin wanted to see their face if he asked them 'what if it was a man banging your behinds' but of course he couldn't.

But more importantly, what Lance was telling, Merlin found himself from it. 'Rape…' that was it. He had been raped… somehow the word made him feel like his eyes had been opened. Of cource... how come he had never thought of it like that? He knew what rape meant, or at least he had thought that he had known, but he had never connected that it was exactly what had happened to him. Rape was something that happened in dark aleyways and parks, not in your own bedroom...

But that was excatly what had happened to him and what the word made Merlins see, was that he wasn't at fault… He wanted to hear what Lance had to say so he listened very carefully. He didn't want to miss anything with all this noise.

"Male body is constructed so that a man can actually get erection even if the situation is unwanted. Physical stimulus or extreme emotions like fear or anger can cause an erection."

Merlins world changed in seconds.

Hearing that from an adult who he trusted meant the world to him. He heard the idiots get all the fuel they needed and laughter and comments were all over the place but Merlin didn't even hear them. His mind was miles away. He had never liked Uthers touch. He had been scared. He had been touched and he hadn't enjoyed it. He wasn't wanting it. He wasn't that sick. He had been raped…

But that was when he clearly didn't fall into the two categories of idiots or bored and someone noticed this. "Ha! Merlin, you sure look interested, what happened? Did you get boner for some fat chick?" The comment was supposed to be funny and judging from the tone of the one who had said it, he didn't mean any harm, just some fun. But Merlin couldn't take it that way. He turned his head to the source of the sound and saw that one of the Arthurs team mates who had nice hair. He was also loud and not very considerate of others. Merlin had liked him just fine until this.

"Or did you get in trouble with your girlfriend? Couldn't you get it up for her?" Many laughed at the nice-hair's comment and the class room was more of a zoo now. Lance tried to get the group to calm down but he seemed uneasy and had no effect on them.

Merlin knew why. His supposed 'girlfriend' was Gwen. He was about to turn back to his table and shame his eyes out when Arthur rose to stand and spoke directly to his team mate.

"Jordan, shut up! Don't speak of the things you have no idea of." Jordan became very quiet and he turned his eyes down, but one of the idiots who wasn't in the team picked up from there. "And what's your bone here Pendragon, you have it hard for Merlin? Oh well, he's so tiny that maybe he could fall to the 'female traits' category!" some laughed. Jordan seemed uncomfortable now but Merlin didn't care. Arthur seemed like he was going to blow up and Merlin couldn't take it anymore.

He rose up so fast that the chair almost fell and made a screeching sound against the floor. He took his bag and walked straight out of the door. He heard Lance call his name and he knew he would be in trouble later but he could't care less right now.

* * *

Merlin walked straight to the library, the only place where no teacher would question him being in the middle of a class. From a moments whim he walked straight to the librarian and asked for some sex-ed books. He could write an essay to Lance and hope he would let him off the hook for leaving like that. He was sure the librarian, a middle aged woman, would laugh at him but she just took him to the section which Merlin was thankful for.

He started to skim through the two books he had taken from the shelf and took out one notebook and a pencil. He tried not to think too much of what had happened in the class room. He was used to burying his thoughts to studying but now he found it hard. He was most uncomfortable of the part where Arthur had stood up for him. Of course he was moved by that, but he didn't like the fact that Arthur had made himself a target. And the comment of him having a thing for Merlin hit too close a home.

Merlin scribbled down some basic information but finally he found something more on the subject he had been graving to know more. 'Penis is controlled by sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. This means that one cannot control erection or ejaculation by will. Men can have an erection or even ejaculate not just when the situation is wanted, but when they find the situation scary or unwanted. There are even reports of children who still shouldn't be able to have an erection to have one when facing an extreme violence...' Merlin didn't write this down but he memorised every word. This was the same thing Lance had been talking about. One could get an erection from being scared or just touched the right way.

Merlin let a breath out. He wasn't a pervert… He was just someone who preferred men over women and there were others like him. The only thing that he couldn't deny was that he still loved his step-brother and every ounce of worry that was lifted from his other worries seemed to pile on that fact. He might not like his step-father raping him but he still wanted his step-brother. He wished he had known this all earlier. If he had, maybe ha could have stopped it all before it even begun. Now it was too late. Uther had already done everything and he had those pictures… Even if Merlin would tell now it would just seem like he had enjoyed it. He remembered the laughs in the class room. It would be the same. Just worse. There was no way he was ever going to tell anyone anything.

The bell was just about to ring so Merlin gathered his stuff and returned the books where they belonged. He left the library with his quite comprehensive essay on the subject he might add himself. He headed to the class room and he saw some of his class mates on the way. Some seemed uneasy but Merlin didn't pay any attention to them. He walked to now empty class room with only Lance gathering his things. Merlin was glad that he hadn't met Arthur on the way.

Lance looked up from what he had been doing and seemed relieved to see Merlin. "Merlin…" He started while Merlin ripped the pages from his notebook he had written the essay. "Here." He said and gave the pages to now confused Lance. He looked at it and his eyes widened slightly. "I hope this will make up for the part I missed." Merlin said a bit annoyed but still worried Lance would call Uther who would probably make him suffer for he had stormed out of the class.

"Oh, Merlin. Of course this will. I'm sorry for letting the situation get so out of hand." Merlin hadn't waited this so he just stared at Lance. "I should have told them off earlier, I hope you didn't get hurt… It seemed that Edmud wasn't aware that you and Arthur are brothers and he was really sorry and what comes to Jordan… I think he learned his lesson." Merlin tired to smile at that but it was kind of hard. It didn't change the fact that he had made people think he and Arthur had something going on. They had been kissing and stuff and that could never been known. That someone was guessing scared the life out of Merlin.

Lance put his hand on Merlins shoulder "I understand these kind of topics are hard on your age, but understand that they were talking without a real understanding of it either. Hopefully they learned about this and you don't have to mind any of what they said." Merlin didn't seem too convinced and Lances hand, while it wasn't uncomfortable it still made Merlin too focused on the contact. His head was spinning with the new imformation and he was feeling so many things at once that he felt it hard to consentrate on where he was at the moment.

"If there is anything you want to talk about ever, remember that you can talk to me or the school nurse. We are here for you." Lance looked Merlin straight in the eye and Merlin found it hard to look away. He knew Lance meant well, but he felt that Lance just didn't know what he was talking about either. He still nodded and thanked Lance before leaving.

* * *

Lance followed Merlin with his eyes. He had noticed Merlins distress and identified it better than anyone in the class. He wondered if Merlin was homosexual. That would make sense. Gwen had talked about Merlin a lot and to Lance it had always sounded like Merlin was either a saint or very uninterested in girls. He could be just uninterested in general, but right now Lance somehow felt that maybe being gay fit a lot better.

He thought about how Arthur had told him how his father wouldn't allow Merlin to meet his friends and he wondered if it had something to do with this. The old man aside, Merlin could meet up with someone else like him, possibly even with a boyfriend. That would also explain why Arthur had seemed so unwilling to talk it out with their parents and why Merlin had seemed so happy to leave the school. Lance knew how some parents could be and Uther Pendragon fell perfectly to the category of a homophobic father.

Lance hoped that he could be someone Merlin could talk to if he needed someone to listen. He would certainly tell him that everything was alright and that he was perfectly normal and a nice guy and deserved happiness what ever his adoptive father did say or think. But he couldn't force anything from Merlin. He would have to wait that he came to talk himself.

* * *

After Merlin left the class room he automatically headed for lunch. His mind was buzzing of all the new thoughts that had surfaced. Only when he saw Arthur sit at the same table as Gwen he realised where he actually was. He was about to turn around when Arthur noticed him and waved him over. No change to escape now…

Merlin got some food and headed to their table as slowly as he could. Gwen looked at him looking sorry and Arthur just seemed uneasy. "Merlin, are you ok?" Gwen asked and Merlin nodded at her. "Yeah… what is a day if nobody laughs at you anyway…" He tried to joke about it. Arthur opened his mouth to cheer him up "You should have seen Lance after you left! I have never seem him so angry before! That idiot Edmud didn't know what hit him!" Merlin was a bit surprised to hear this. Lance had seemed so calm when he talked with him just after the class.

Merlin was about to comment when someone put their hand on his shoulder. He almost shallowed his tongue and Arthur looked annoyed. "Hey, mate, I'm sorry about what I said in the class… that was stupid of me. I didn't really mean it." Merlin turned around to see Jordan from the football team. He must have looked weird because Jordan let go of his shoulder "I didn't know that you weren't…" He trailed of glancing at Gwen and Merlin prayed every God he could think of that Gwen would never ask what that was about. "Anyway, I didn't think that someone would continue from that and I really don't think badly of you, you are a great guy…"

Merlin still didn't say anything and Jordan seemed to grow more uncomfortable every second. It probably didn't help that Arthur was burning holes to him with his gaze "I just wanted to say sorry and well, see you at the practice…" He turned to leave and Merlin finally found his voice. "It's alright. See you in the summer." Jordan grinned at him and hit him on his back "You are the man Merlin. Later!" He said much more cheerful and Merlin tried to look like his back didn't hurt. Arthur still glared daggers at Jordans direction and Merlin had to gather all of his forgiveness and patience to tell Arthur to forget it, that it was alright.

The rest of the day some random guys from his class were apologising to him for laughing or for doing nothing and Merlin was starting to wonder what kind of speech Lance had given them… He was ok, though. He wasn't angry at anyone anymore. He had a lot to think and when it was time to climb to Uthers car he was about to blow up. He was clad that he had that one beer hidden in his closet behind his clothes he could drink in the night.

Uther asked him about his school day and Merlin told him something vague that could have happened any day while Uther made his hand wander to his thigh. Merlin thought of Lances words how he had the right to tell Uther to stop but he did nothing. He felt that he couldn't anymore. It was too late now and he would just make his life worse. Uther opened his fly and Merlin felt it repulsive. Rape. Uther had raped him. He had told Merlin how dirty and whore he was but what did it make himself? Raper… Merlin shuddered at that. He wished he had the courage to say that out loud.

He hoped there would be a day that he would never have to see Uther again nor hear anything about him. Maybe when he was an adult he could move somewhere far away and not talk to anybody who even knew Uther. But that would include Arthur… He again cursed himself for falling in love with Arthur. He had made everything so complicated with that.

Uther had been rubbing him through his boxers and he was getting hard. Merlin looked at Uthers hand moving up and down his now hard penis and he tried to think it wasn't his fault. 'I don't like this, my body is just reacting on it's own…' He wasn't as convinced as he had been in the library and he still felt a strong self loath but it was somehow easier now that he knew he could at least defend himself with that. He wasn't alone anymore, there were others who had gone through this. Even if they were just statistics in a library book.

* * *

With Hunith more home and the exams coming, Uther didn't come to Merlins room nearly as often as usually. Merlin took advantage of this and he spent a lot of time in Arthurs room studying and Uther allowed that. Merlin guessed that Uther wanted him to concentrate on his studies. So his grades were still more important than making his life a living hell.

Also when Uther did come to his room, he mostly made Merlin suck him off while he was telling him how useless and stupid he was and how he expected him to do well in school. Merlin threw up every time but at least it didn't hurt as badly as when Uther went inside him. What he hated the most was when Uther came to his mouth. Some times Uther made him shallow and that made Merlin feel sick for couple of days. It didn't matter that he knew he had vomited everything out. He still felt the taste and a burning inside of him. The days after that he always refused to kiss Arthur and he found himself often trying to breath to another direction in fear that his breath still stank like Uthers load.

Merlin had drank the beer days ago and he wished he could have a stash of alcohol hidden in his room. When he had sat in his closet one day ha had remembered the place between his and Arthurs closets doors. He arranged the boxes in front of his side door so he could open the door easily but it would still seem like it wasn't used. He decided to ask Gwaine to sell him some extra when he had the first change.

Arthur was now officially buried alive with work and Merlin did everything he could to cheer him up and help him with his school work. When the final test was over (chemistry) Arthur literally lifted Merlin from the ground and hugged him so strongly it almost resembled wrestling more that an actual hug (which made Merlin glad because they were at school) and that night they watched a movie and ate chocolate cookies and finally played some scrabble Merlin winning by far. Arthur belittled the game but was clearly grumpy that Merlin had won. Merlin just grinned at him and told him that even he had to be good at something… Arthur cheered up at that and started to list everything he would wipe floors with Merlin. Merlin added being a prat to the list which caused Arthur to throw a hand full of letters to his direction.

Before Merlin went to sleep, Arthur took Merlin's head in between his hands gently and kissed him softly on the lips. "Thank you, Merlin." He whispered to Merlin ear while embraced him gently. Merlin hugged him back and mumbled something about Arthur not surviving without him around which made Arthur smile to his neck. Merlin reluctantly pulled away from Arthur. Arthur looked a bit disappointed at too and Merlin couldn't help himself. He kissed Arthurs cheek softly before telling him good night and turning to leave.

Uther came to his room that night and made Merlin sit on his lap naked while touching him all over. In the end Merlin didn't come and Uther pumped him so long his thing started to sting. Uther told Merlin to kiss him and when Merlin voiced his objection out loud for the first time with a shaky "No", Uther squeezed him painfully for that "I told you to kiss me. I don't like to ask twice." But Merlin had promised. And to this he still could say no.

"I won't." Uther pushed him to the floor harshly and when Merlin fell, he kicked his side painfully. Merlin coughed and Uther just left him there not even looking back. Still Merlin felt a little bit victorious. He still had a voice and he could say no.

The next day his side was purple and it hurt when he moved but it was still worth it.

The summer vacation finally came and Merlin got the best grades on everything but PE and art. He would have been worried about music if he or his teacher cared. He had been present and sang with the rest of them so he got full marks. Arthur had done almost as well as Merlin. The only subject he was better than Merlin was PE. He had gotten full marks, of course. Uther had been pleased to their grades and Hunith had been proud of them both. They went to celebrate to a fancy restaurant and for once Uther had talked to them truly pleased and left Merlin alone.

Hunith had gotten the trainee job from a nearby hospital and she would be doing evening shift for three evenings a week, from one to nine. Her friend Susan had also gotten the job, but they wouldn't be seeing eachothers much because susan worked morning shift, she had three children at home. Merlin was happy for his mother and also for himself because she wouldn't be away at nights. They also had time to catch up and talk about this and that. Merlin was uncomfortable when Hunith asked him if he had anyone special he wanted to spend time during summer and Merlin had to lie there was no-one like that. But that was easily done. When Hunith started to speak to him about his weight he was in a real trouble. Hunith had learned a lot of nutrition in school and while she admitted that Merlin _did_ seem to eat enough protein she was worried of him being too thin.

"I just think that maybe you should start eating meat, or at least fish, until you have finished your growing period…" Merlin didn't know what to do. Yes, he could just tell her 'ok' and start eating meat, but that was something he could control in this household and he wasn't too keen on letting that go. "Mother, I'm alright, there are many vegetarians nowadays and I have just been growing so fast that I cannot possibly keep up." That was partially true. Merlin had grown at least 5 centimetres in the last year and he would need to go buy new clothes soon again and his mother knew that. Hunith still didn't seem too convinced and she asked how much Merlin weighed.

Merlin was getting defensive on the subject and with that, a bit angry. In the end Merlin lied he didn't know and promised to think about adding some fish to his diet. His mother seemed to be satisfied of what she got but not entirely happy. Merlin missed the days they could speak about everything without difficulties. Now Merlin felt like there was nothing he could say to her without a lie.

* * *

It was sunday and Merlin was supposed to go to help with the football practices tomorrow so he wanted to get to sleep early. His mother left to have a 'girls night out' with some of her class mates and Merlin was nervous. He didn't dare to shower yet and he was feeling restless. He also had nothing to study. He had read the book Gaius had loaned to him ages ago and he had finished it the second time yesterday. He tapped his foot to the floor and looked out from his window without really seeing anything. Arthur came to tell him good night and told him to get enough sleep before kissing him lightly to his cheek. Merlin didn't want him to leave but he really couldn't be anything like good company right now and Arthur soon left to sleep himself.

It wasn't even an hour before Uther opened his door and locked it behind him. Merlin didn't move from his table and Uther walked to stand next to him. "I was very pleased with your results at school." This was new, so it made Merlin scared.

"I hope you will work hard for Arthur's team tomorrow." Hearing Arthur name made Merlin feel nauseous while Uthers hands wandered to open his trousers and pull his shirt up. He pulled Merlin to stand and turned him so he was facing the window. Merlin was confused for a second but then he realised where this was going "N-" his protest was cut short when Uther pushed his face against the wooden surface of his desk. There were no papers or books anymore, only hard cold wood.

Uther pushed his pants down to reveal his ass and Merlin heard now very familiar snapping sound of lube being opened. He felt Uthers slick fingers enter him. He was tight and every movement hurt. 'rape…' the word echoed in his mind and he whimpered slightly. Uther soon removed his fingers Merlin wanting to protest that he wasn't ready but Uther took a hold of his neck silencing Merlin effectively. Merlin saw white dots in his vision when Uther pushed inside of him. "I expect you to be useful for my son in the practices, I will not be happy if you even think of slacking off."

Merlin felt pain and disgust like never before. It was like Uther had hit him with mentioning Arthur and that was mostly what he could think of. His side was still bruised and every movement against the table made it hurt. Merlin closed his eyes. He didn't want to think that he was doing this on his desk. He tried to imagine it was a floor or anything else. His legs hurt from the stretch and Uther was going in faster and faster. Merlin was about to yell from pain when Uther suddenly pulled his upper body up and came with a small groan. Merlin was now almost standing and his eyes open he saw the view from his window. Every sound died in his throat. They were in front of a window. Anyone could see him like this.

He heard Uthers phone camera go and he felt tears run down his face. Uther let him go and Merlin fell to the table and then dropped to the ground, happy to be behind his desk now. He heard Uther chip his fly and he bend towards Merlin. "Do not disappoint me." he whispered into Merlins ear. After that he left.

Merlin threw up that night. He showered in a way too hot shower and when he finally climbed to his couch he felt feverish and cold. He didn't really sleep much and when morning came he wasn't even near the condition he could be of use to anyone. Still he dragged himself of his couch and took his gym bag. He ate his breakfast and left with Arthur. He had been sure he would kneel over and fall asleep at any given change but surprisingly when he saw their neighbourhood disappear from sight he started to feel better. He was getting out of the house. Two times a week for the whole summer. After that he wasn't so tired at all.

* * *

A/N Hi! Ok, now we are really getting to the core of this all. Everything that Lance told in sex-ed was true and if any of you feel like knowing more, I can recomend you to find either some webpages about child abuse or sexuality. For example 1in6 and male survivors have the same informaton and more about abused males and if you are interested about sexuality in general, some pages about asexuality explain a lot about the difference of sex and love. There are multible charts avaible but the one I described is kind of most basic. I'm so glad to get this bit of information to Merlin. Finaly!

The teacher in me really wants to start to lecture, but I'm trying my best to ignore it. If you feel that there is something in need of explaining, just leave me a comment or PM me and I will give you an answer the best way I can.

I again thank you, my dear reviewers! What would I do without you? I thought that maybe I should somehow expres my gratitude, so I made up a rule for myself: if I get more reviews than to the previous chapters (which is at the moment 9), I will update right away. So 10 reviews and I'll upload the next chapter right away ;) If not, I'll just keep updating every 3rd day as usual :) To get you motivated, the next chapter is named 'Tired of lying'.

Have a great week!

Angel Dove1 Yep, Arthur is getting more in tune with Merlin even though they are not being honest with each others. They would both benefit of talking to basicaly anyone, but the most of cource to their friends or the people they feel they can trust. You are right, Arthur is still trying to balance in between Merlin and his father. You really made a good analysis of what is happening right now and while doing so, you have been compasionate, that is so great :)

MillaMaxwell12 Oh please don't cry! The things are honestly going to get better and Uther will not go unpunished in the end, I promise! You are right, Gaius would be able to help both of them. Actually most of the adults and friends Merlin has in his life could help him and Arthur really just need someone to talk to. Elyan for example would listen and Gwen too. Gaius would still be the best choise because he is older and has more life experience, but it's not an easy conversation to start... At that age especially.

Skypeoplephoenix732 Well, Uther is meant to rile people up, so I guess that I have succeeded in that then :) When we have no idea of what he is thinking at all, it's kind of hard to forgive him even a little bit... But to be fair his character in the tv-show was so flat that it could have been used as a copy paper... Yep, Lance will get more active role soon and Gwaine and Gaius both have important roles so they are here to stay :) I had totaly forgotten the episode with the 'magic' 'strenght' and 'courage'. Arthur was so tense in that one (too)! 'Oh the keeper of the bridge said we need courage, magic and strenght. I'm the courage, Gwaine is the strnght and ... Well, whatever, let's go Merlin!' :D

Guest (mesran123?) Yes, I feel the same, it was really not a very good decision to help Arthur lie about Merlin's whereabouts, but well, Lance is young and he has kind of used everything he have been able to make up to get a little bit help for Merlin while not knowing what the problem is and he really thinks Arthur more as a friend than a pupil. (which is not necesirely a good thing, teachers are supposed to be authorities...for reason), but this time the results were alright. Merlin is going to see his friends and Lance is going to see him during the summer. Let's see how that will turn out... ;) I'm still not sure what you would do with Uther in only five minutes... Maybe you aussies have some sort of super speed torture method (I hope it doesn't involve gangaroos... those are mean, I have heard.) or maybe it's the mother in you that would strike. Mothers can be scary... I totaly like the aussie things :) I love how languages have dialects and the on Australia has is a very unique one. You really have an interesting history of language!


	24. Chapter 24 - Tired of lying

Helping out was surprisingly fun. Even if the jobs Merlin had to do were mundane at most, that also meant that Merlin was able to pick them up quite fast and that led to Lance complementing him and even few of the players thanking him occasionally. Lance had managed to make him a list of chores that Merlin could do and Merlin found it rewarding when he could put a small 'check' mark next to a completed task.

After doing everything on the list, Merlin had some time just to follow the practices. The school games were over for the year but they would play in some local matches trough the summer. Still the air was lighter and it seemed the whole bunch of them was here just to play for fun. Merlin enjoyed watching and especially Arthur who looked like he was breathing again now that all the stress from school was gone, but his tiredness was catching up and the warm summer sun didn't help at all.

Merlin was very close of just lying down on the grass new to the field and closing his eyes for a second when Lance came to tell him that they could manage for a while without him if he wanted to just take a walk or something. "Yeah, actually there is just so much that I can watch football before falling asleep..." He said with a grin, happy that he was given the opportunity.

They agreed that Merlin would come back at the brake in the middle, some of the things needed to be done twice during the practises. "I could also show you some of the paperwork I usually do after the practices, I'm sure you could handle some, you were much faster than I thought you would be." Lance told him also smiling feeling that this was not a bad idea at all. Maybe he could convince Merlin continue to help the next semester too?

Merlin left feeling the compliment swell in his chest. It felt good that Lance had confidence in him and that he appreciated the work he had done. He felt like he could fill hundreds of water bottles and carry all the stuff he could find around if it meant that his efforts were noticed like this.

Merlin walked to Gwaine's store in high spirits. He would have liked to see Gaius also, but they had agreed on thursday so he didn't want to bother the elder man with an unannounced rushed visit. Gwaine was just making his famous sandwiches when Merlin walked in. He was happy to see Merlin and offered him a sandwich. Merlin bought two just in case. He was hungry and food did wonders to him. After half of the sandwich he didn't feel so cold anymore, even if he noticed how cold he had been only when he suddenly had started to warm up, and he was quite sure his face was getting some colour back.

After a while Merlin gathered some courage and asked Gwaine "Can I buy some beer to take with me?" Gwaine looked at him thinking something. Merlin felt a bit worried with Gwaine looking at him like that. Like he could tell what Merlin was thinking just by looking closely enough.

"I could…" 'but?' Merlin thought "but you are returning to the school, right?" Merlin hadn't expected this. He nodded hesitantly, he wasn't sure where Gwaine was going with that. "Even I'm not so stupid that I would let you return to your practice carrying beer in a plastic bag." Merlin felt stupid. Of course he couldn't do that. He cursed himself for not taking his gym bag with him. "But if you take something you can hide them well enough next time, I'll see what I can do." Merlin was relieved at that. He was thankful that Gwaine never asked him why he drank nor told him that it was wrong. He knew all than already but now his own curiosity took a better of him.

"Why do you sell to me?" He wasn't sure if he would regret asking or not, but he took a risk. "I mean, you know I'm a minor and still… why?" Gwaine looked at him for a while, thinking what to answer. "You just looked like you needed it." Merlin was surprised at the serious tone Gwaine had. "When I was your age, believe me, I was far worse than you. I'm not in a position to tell anyone not to drink." Merlin wanted to hear more. Gwaine rarely talked about himself this seriously much less his background. "And to be fair with you, I like you quite a lot and I would hate to see you go to buy your poison from someone who didn't give a damn as long as you paid them."

Merlin felt warm inside. Gwaine really was a friend. "Thanks…" He knew he wouldn't buy anything from anyone else than Gwaine. He told as much to Gwaine who grinned "Yeah I know, we have a deal , remember?" Merlin remembered now. He had completely forgotten it until Gwaine mentioned it and Merlin was happy that Gwaine really had valued his word. Merlin bought one more sandwich for Arthur and he left to see the rest of the practice. He promised to come around ten next thursday and after few more jokes from Gwaine Merlin left.

Merlin felt much better now. His side was still hurting and his hips had seen better days but he could take it now. He happened to come to the field just as the brake begun. Many of the players had bought some lunch with them and Arthur was already eating when Merlin came to sit next to him. Arthur looked questioningly the bag Merlin had with him and Merlin offered him one spicy turkey sandwich. Arthurs eyes lit and he was happy if not slightly jealous that Merlin had seen Gwaine. He had one paranoid theory that maybe Merlin liked Gwaine and thats why he had wanted to practice kissing with Arthur but he tried to remind him every time he grew suspicious that he was just being paranoid because he was so unsure of his and Merlins relationship.

Suddenly there was a whine in the air. Jordan had forgotten his lunch and he was hungry. He had apparently completely forgot that the school cafeteria wasn't open during the summer and he was suffering from the consequences now. Merlin felt pity towards him so he got up. He walked to Jordan who was trying to get some of Olivers lunch. "Here." Merlin said and offered his remaining sandwich, pesto and mozzarella.

Jordans eyes widened and he looked like an angel had arrived before his eyes "Wow, Merlin you _are_ the man!" He took the offered lunch and started to eat with delight. Oliver joked Merlin to be too nice to him and warned Jordan not to get used to this. Merlin took a part of the joke telling that next time he would make Jordan pay him a deliver fee and Jordan grinned at him mouth full of bread. "If I'm ever an ass towards you, remind me of this piece of heaven right here." Merlin laughed at him and told him that was just the matter of time before making his way back to sit where Arthur was. He drank some juice and stole a bite of Arthurs sandwich, which was technically his. Arthur gave him some reluctantly. Merlin made a note that Arthur liked this spicy turkey filling.

Merlin helped around for the rest of the practice and while he was an outsider, the team took him in surprisingly fast. After only one practice everyone acted like he was their team mascot and had been there always. Merlin was clad and he was happy to see an important part of Arthurs life close up. He also had a lot of fun. After answering to at least half of the members of the team that no, he wasn't coming next time and yes, he was coming again next monday Arthur practically dragged him to his car. He wanted to get home to eat some more. Apparently fresh air made him hungry.

* * *

On the night before thursday Merlin was sleeping on his couch like normally. He had waited for Uther to show up until midnight and after that he had decided that he wasn't coming. His mother was home and it was already this late… But he was wrong. He woke up when Uther shook him harshly. Merlin screamed shortly but Uther silenced him by placing his hand over his mouth and nose squeezing his head against the cushion. Merlin breathed in through Uther's fingers. It felt suffocating.

Uther leaned closer to him and more hissing than actually whispering he asked Merlin "What is this nonsense?" Merlin breath quickened but he couldn't answer anything at all Uther's hand covering his mouth and Uther didn't seem to care for his answer either. He pulled Merlin up turned his back against his chest so he could keep his hand covering Merlins mouth. Merlin didn't know if he wanted to make Merlin feel helpless or did he think Merlin would scream again? If so, he had no idea that Merlin couldn't scream even if he tried, he was too scared of Uther.

Uther pushed Merlin to the bed finally letting go of his face. Merlin felt himself being pushed to the mattress by his neck and he heard a familiar jiggling sound. Uther pulled his hands up and he felt the cold sharp metal against his wrists. Uther had gotten a new pair of handcuffs. Merlin tried to struggle but it was in wain. Uther was sitting on top of him and there was no change to fight that.

Uther pulled Merlins pyjama pants off and his shirt up. Merlin felt Uthers tongue trail his lover back and it made him shiver. It felt disgusting. Merlins legs were spread forcefully and Merlin could feel a bruise form in his inner thigh. Uther penetrated him harshly without preparing him with his fingers first and Merlin had to bite his his pillow so he wouldn't make any sound. Uther took his time to come and Merlin heard his camera a couple of times. Uther made Merlin look at some of the shots and Merlin hated what he was seeing. His skinny body wasn't pretty and compared to Arthur and he looked younger than he really was. His pyjama shirt (blue with stars) pulled up and visible in the pictures didn't help the impression at all. The contrast of being handcuffed and Uthers thing inside of his hole made Merlin sick and he knew he would throw up again after Uther was gone.

At some point Uther had put the phone away and he leaned next to Merlins ear. "Kiss me." He said while resting his hand on Merlins neck. Merlin was close to tears while he took every last bits of courage he got and said with a shaky voice "No." Uther didn't say anything but tightened his hold on Merlins neck until Merlin couldn't breath. Uther was pounding into him and he couldn't breath. Would he die? Would Uther kill him for disobeying him? Merlin strugled as much as he could and his panic fueled his movements but finally he saw dots and he couldn't move anymore. Then suddenly Uthers hands were gone and Merlin gulped air. His throat hurt with every breath but he could breath again. He was alive.

Uther came soon after pulling out of Merlin and letting his load shoot on Merlins back. Merlin breathed in Uthers smell and remained very still. He was so afraid. He feared for his life now. For all the fear Uther had caused him, this was yet new kind of fear.

Uther was soon gone the handcuffs in his pocket. Even thought Uther had freed Merlin, when he tried to go to his bathroom, his legs gave in. He dragged himself towards bathroom but he threw up before he could get there. He shivered half naked, covered in cum and his shirt stained with vomit. He was again in the bottom and he knew it. Uther had strangled him. His death was one thing in his short list of the things he could decide himself even thought he had promised himself he wouldn't think that anymore. It felt like a part of him had been ripped off when he had realised that Uther could kill him. That was too horrible to even think about. Merlin tried to move again but the best he could do was to crawl. He was again shivering with cold and he wondered had he gotten so thin that he couldn't produce heat anymore.

He threw up once more and he took a long shower sitting on the floor. It took a long time before he could finally stand. He cleaned the vomit from the floor and hoped the maid wouldn't notice. 'At least it's not blood this time…' he found something to be positive about. He forced himself to look at his mirror and saw dark marks on his neck where Uther fingers had pressed. He felt like something hit him to his gut when he saw them. He would have to cover them up with something. He tried on some of his old necker chiefs and finally found one large enough to cover his neck. It was also blue in colour so it made the bruises disappear better. He had only few hours to sleep and he crawled back to his couch. It was cold even under his blanket and he wished he could go to sleep next to Arthur 'He would be warm…' was his last coherent thought before drifting to sleep.

* * *

The second Merlin got out from Arthurs car Merlin took his gym bag and started to walk towards Gwaines shop. "You can leave that to my car…" Arthur tried to tell Merlin but he just yelled back at him "I have a book I want return to Gaius." without turning to look at him or stopping. Arthur didn't bother to ask why didn't Merlin just take the book out then. Instead he yelled good day to his back and Merlin answered to him by waving without turning around. Arthur settled to think that Merlin was in a hurry to get to meet Gaius. He sighed. It was much more fun when Merlin had been around on monday he had also hoped for a kiss… They hadn't had so many chances to that lately with school ending and all. Arthur had gotten one small kiss two days ago but not since and Arthur wanted nothing more than to hold Merlin again in his arms. 'Well, no use on dwelling on that now' he thought and headed to the locker rooms hoping that Merlin would be in a good mood after seeing Gaius and Gwaine.

Gwaine was waiting Merlin to appear at any moment. He had just finished his opening ruttiness and he had four cans of beer siting on his counter waiting for Merlin. He had decided that four should be enough for a week. That way Merlin couldn't get too drunk even if he drank them all at once and he couldn't drink every night either. Gwaine had made his mistakes and while he felt that Merlin was old enough to know if he wanted some beer now and then, he didn't want to help ruin Merlin health either. And Merlin was light. If Gwaine hadn't seen him gain height during the year and always eat his sandwiches (which weren't from the lightest side of snack either) he would have been worried about that too.

Merlin came soon enough when Gwaine was just cutting bread. He had an oven in the back and he was currently cooking some bacon and chicken for his form of art, as he liked to call his sandwiches. Merlin looked pale. That was the first thing Gwaine noticed and when Merlins eyes found the beer immediately Gwaine knew something was wrong. He tried to make a joke out of it when Merlin made a beeline to his counter ready to pay for his beer. "Well, hello to you too… I see who you really came to see today…" Merlin looked at him embarrassed. "Sorry… can I pay for a sandwich too? I'll take what ever I smell you have in the oven." Gwaine smiled at him and wiped his hands to take Merlins money which was always cash nowadays. He gave Merlin the change and Merlin pocketed it. He put the beer in to his bag but left one and just popped it open.

Now Gwaine was worried. "Is everything alright?" It wasn't too usual for him to be this direct but now was one of those times that he knew he had to. Merlin took a long gulp from his beer and ignored how his throat burned. He was going to lie and tell Gwaine everything was fine but when he was about to he saw Gwaines face and he couldn't "No." was the only thing he could think of.

Worry flashed in Gwaines eyes and he continued "Is there anything I can do?" Merlin lowered his gaze and said again "No…" Gwaine sighed. "But you will tell me if there is something, right?" Merlin looked at him and he still couldn't bring himself to lie to Gwaine "I don't know…" He really didn't. He wanted to tell everything to Gwaine but there was just too high wall of fear inside him. He wasn't even sure anymore what he was so afraid of. Everyone knowing he was gay or that he loved Arthur and had kissed him or that Uther would kill him if he ever told anyone.

Gwaine left his work and pulled Merlin to come with him by his shoulder. He took him to the back and pulled two chairs from some corner. He placed them next to the oven (there wasn't really much choice, the place was narrow) and motioned Merlin to sit on the one next to the oven. The oven was radiating heat and Merlin wondered if Gwaine guessed he was cold.

"Merlin, I say this to you as a friend now. I know it's not easy to find someone one could talk about their life. But know that if you need me to, I'll listen and I wont judge you." Merlin wasn't so sure about that but was grateful for the offer. "I wont force you to talk and I know this closet for a store isn't the best of the places to talk either, but just keep that in mind." Merlin nodded and took a sip from his beer. It was traveling to his head faster than a train but he didn't care because it made him feel warmer.

"Lets do it this way..." Gwaine said and took the beer from Merlins hands gently "I'll make you some special breakfast, my style and after you have eaten, you can finnish your beer." Merlin wanted to protest but Gwaine was right. His head was already spinning a little and the last thing he wanted to do right now was to throw up in Gwaines store. "And Merlin, in the risk of sounding sappy I want to tell you an advise I got a long time ago." Merlin looked at Gwaine and nodded to tell him that he was listening "Everyone have secrets, but no-one should have any secrets that they have told nobody. One should never tell everything to anyone but still tell everything to someone." Merlin wondered the meaning for a while. It was an unusual advise.

"I'm pretty sure it was phrased differently, but the meaning is quite same…" Gwaine said scratching the back of his neck. Merlin understood what Gwaine was trying to tell him. Even to your best friend you shouldn't tell every single thing and secret of your life but it was bad to carry secrets on your back. Sometimes it could be good to lessen the burden by telling stuff to you other friends, maybe even parents or teacher or complitely strangers. He nodded again and Gwaine smiled at him brightly "Ok, that aside, I'll make you something to eat now." Gwaine magically made some salami and eggs appear and with some onion he made Merlin an omelet that could have been the sun of Merlin's universe right now. He ate while Gwaine took the bacon and chicken out of the oven and put them to cool down after he had thrown few pieces of bacon on Merlins plate.

"Oh and speaking about secrets. This one I'm only telling you. That advise I just told you, I have never told anyone that I found it useful or even that I actually remember it. In fact I pretended that I wasn't listening when it was given to me." Merlin held onto this information. He felt special and important enough for Gwaine to share his secrets. He knew he was pushing it but he still asked "Who was it that gave you this advise?" Gwaine looked to the door like he was checking that no-one was listening "My old man." Merlin was surprised. Of Gwaine answering and for him mentioning his father. He never talked about his family and Merlin had gathered that Gwaine had been quite a wild in his teens but still he seemed to own this little store in a fairly nice area. He also lived here, just upstairs of the store. Merlin had often wondered what had Gwaine done to get this place and how on earth did he manage to keep customers coming when he seemed lazy and weird at the first glance.

"Aren't you in good terms?" Gwaine smirked at him and started to cut the chicken. "Nah, we get along fine now that he is out of my hair and I'm out of his." He said it like he didn't really care either way but Merlin saw trough him. He cared for his father and he listened to his advise. Merlin was ready to bet that getting a store was his fathers idea and he was sure that his father was proud of his son making fullest out of it and making it look like his own. Merlin smiled at Gwaine feeling a lot better. "I don't get along with Arthur's father." That was the understatement of the year but Merlin wanted to share something back.

Gwaine looked at him smiling "But you get along with Arthur…very well I might add…" Merlin blushed darkly and Gwaine grinned like a Cheshire cat on high. Merlin took his beer from where Gwaine had placed it into a table next to him and Gwaine didn't protest when he took a long sip from it. Merlin felt a lot better now. His head wasn't spinning now that he had some food in his stomach and the beer and the oven together with the food was making him warm completely. Gwaine looked like he was about to comment but to Merlins relief there was some customers coming in. Gwaine closed partially the thin sliding door in between the back and the store. Merlin could see that there were two of them and both dressed up in uniforms. They were police officers. Merlin heart stopped and he leaned so that as much as possible of him was behind the door and he pushed the rest of his beer to one of the corners and out of sight.

"Good morning! Do you have anything with roast beef today?" One of them greeted Gwaine. "Nope, but try this one with chicken, bacon and avocado. Of course if you are not on diet anymore…" The other one laughed at that and replied "If you wait until this guy have completed his diet you will die of old age. Give us two of them, one or two slices of bacon won't change anything in your diet." The first one grumbled but took the sandwich Gwaine was offering. "To the tab or will you pay now?" Gwaine asked. These guys must visit here quite often. "I'll pay today, we are not in a hurry right now…" Gwaine took the price and seemed to add something to it, possibly from the 'tab'. After the officers had left Gwaine returned to the kitchen.

"I'll have to start moving now, they were just the first ones, I'll have some other regulars here soon demanding food for their soul. Some days I swear that if the customers don't get their food fast enough they will eat me while waiting." Merlin laughed at that and gulped down the last of his beer. "I'll have to get to Gaius, he's waiting for me." Gwaine smiled at him and told he would look forward to see Merlin next week. Merlin tried to pay something for his omelet but Gwaine refused "Just don't tell a soul. Otherwise I'll have half of the neighbourhood demand me to cook for them… These people around… one would think their kitchens are for decoration only."

Merlin left and felt lighter if not somehow thin mentally when he walked towards Gaiuses house. He didn't know what Gwaine had been about to ask from him but in a weird way he felt disappointed that he couldn't tell him more. He really was tired of secrets.

* * *

Gaius was sitting in his garden on a bench he and Merlin had bought there from Gaiuses cellar. He waved at him when he saw Merlin pass the wall. Merlin circled around the house and to the garden. The sun was warm today and Gaius had been reading a book. "I thought this might interest you." He said when Merlin sat next to him. He closed the book and gave it to Merlin.

Merlin was grateful. He had been needing something to read. "Thank you. I have your other book back…" He turned to take the book from his bag but Gaius wrinkled his nose to Merlin and asked "Have you been drinking?" Merlin froze and his body language gave him away immediately. "Merlin! I'm disappointed in you. And it's still morning!" This hurt Merlin. He had been afraid of Uther but this hurt more and in a whole different way than Uthers rage. He hated the disappointed look in Gaiuses face and the tone that suggested that Merlin had done wrong and Gaius knew Merlin had known and done it anyway.

"Is there some reason to this?" Merlin was taken aback. He hadn't waited a question of his reasons. Suddenly it became impossible to lie to Gaius. There was definitely something wrong with him today.

Merlin nodded and he felt tears built behind his eyes. Gaius leaned forward to see Merlins face better and worry was written all over his face. Merlin wanted so desperately Gaius to like him, but he couldn't make him worry about him while lying of the reasons. Merlin was tired of lying. "I-I'm gay…" He said and tears started to run down his face and he was on the border of hyperventilating. He had said it. He had never said it to anyone. Not even to himself out loud. He had been close and Uther knew and Arthur must have at least wondered but to say it out loud felt like a huge relieve at the same time as a huge fear was released. He had no control over it now. He could just watch a huge snowball that he had tried to keep on a top of a mountain with all his strength, roll down.

"I-I" Merlin had to breath in slowly to complete "I understand if-if you want me to leave." Merlin closed his eyes to get rid of some tears. He felt Gaiuses hand on his shoulder. He was partially waiting to get hit but when Gaius spoke, his voice was gentle. "Nonsense. Come on, lets go inside and I'll make us some tea." Merlin nodded and let Gaius pull him up and guide inside. Merlin sat on the table and Gaius went upstairs to make tea. He had told Gaius. He had told and he was still sitting here.

When Gaius came back, Merlin rose to help him carry the tea and the cups out of a habit. Gaius sat on the opposite side of the table and poured them some tea. Merlin looked at the steam coming from his mug his mind blank. "So, what you told me, have you known for long or was it just a recent thing?" Merlin was clad that Gaius was asking him questions easy enough to answer "I have known… for a long time." He answered with quiet voice still following the movements of the steam. "So that was the reason you were hiding in my bushes?" Merlin nodded. "I understand if you hate me now…" Merlin had to hear it spelled out one more time from Gaius.

"Merlin, I wont judge you. I know there are some people in the world who would and will, but remember, there is nothing wrong with being homosexual." Merlin looked at Gaius now and saw the same warm smile and sincere eyes, eyebrows up looking at him. Merlin felt a bang of guilt. He had to make Gaius see the whole problem, he had to tell him how messed up he really was.

"I'm in love with my brother." He said looking Gaius straight in the eye. He felt unusually calm now and his voice was sure and clear. He usually didn't refer Arthur as his brother but now he wanted to make the situation clear. Gaius didn't actually look even surprised but he asked "Arthur?" Merlin nodded feeling shame. There was again tears in his eyes and he lowered his gaze again. Gaius took a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped gently some of Merlins tears away.

"You don't know why I was born this way do you?" Merlin asked him with a quiet voice encouraged by the gentle touch. Merlin valued Gaiuses opinion very high. What ever he would tell him now Merlin would believe. "No." was Gaiuses reply and Merlin felt disappointed. His lips twisted a bit in irony "I'm not a monster, am I?" Gaius folded the handkerchief to the table and lowered his head so he could see Merlins eyes. "Don't ever think that." he said in a serious but kind tone. Merlin felt desperate and he looked into Gaiuses eyes leaning forward "Then why am I like this? Please, I need to know, why?" Gaius looked away for a second and obviously tried to answer in a way that Merlin wouldn't be too disappointed "Maybe there's someone with more knowledge than me." Merlin looked out of the window "If you can't tell me no-one can." He felt bitter. He meant what he had said and he was sure he would never find answer to his question.

Gaius said nothing to that, instead he offered Merlin his tea cup. Merlin took it and Gaius patted his hand that was on the table. Merlin felt a bit better with the contact. Gaius didn't think him dirty, he could still invite him to his home, offer him tea and even touch him. He was again reminded how important Gaius was to him and he felt huge relieve that he had been accepted as he was.

"I'll tell you bit about myself. Maybe that will help you understand your situation a bit better." Merlin turned to Gaius in surprise. Gaius looked at him smiling his small smile before getting more serious.

"When I was in university, you have to understand this was a long time ago and being homosexual was even more of a tabu than nowadays." Merlin listened like his life depended on it. "I was young and I found some of my class mates very attractive. I even dated one of my dorm mates for a while. His name was Anthony." Merlin couldn't believe his ears. He couldn't say anything at all so Gaius continued "Eventually it didn't work out and we went to our separate ways never telling anyone what we had. And soon after that, I met Alice."

Gaius took a sip from his tea and Merlin tried to mimic him not to seem too keen to know everything. "We fell in love and I have never loved like that again. She always told me I'm too serious and I told her she teased me far too much." Gaius had a fond smile on his face "From the day I met her till the day I lost her, I never even looked anyone else. I still don't."

Merlin felt sad to hear this. Of course he knew that Gaius lived alone but… "What do you mean you lost her?" Gaius looked at him sadly "Brain tumour. It was too late when it was found." Merlin looked down "I'm sorry…" "Thank you, my boy, but it has been a long time… But a love like that only comes across you ones or maybe twice in your life, if you are lucky."

They stayed quiet for a while and Merlin felt bad at braking the silence but he had to know more. "So if I met a girl I could really love, maybe I could be cured…" He sounded hopeful but Gaius again pinned him with his serious gaze "Merlin, I want you to understand that I wasn't 'cured' as you put it. It wasn't that I turned to a heterosexual when I met Alice. It was just that I didn't want or need anyone else. Man or woman." Merlin felt he should have felt disappointed to hear that but something in Gaius' words made him feel better. There was just something so sure in the way Gaius described his love to Alice. It made Merlin feel different. Like being a gay didn't make him a bad person. That it was a part of him but it was just of the part who he would love in a sexual way. It wouldn't defy him in any other way. And how Gaius had reacted to the word 'cured'... Maybe there really was nothing to be cured.

They talked a bit more about the subject and Gaius assured him what he had started to feel. That he wasn't dirty or wrong for loving Arthur. Nor being a homosexual. His actions would define him and Gaius even told him that what little he had seen and talked with Arthur, he seemed to care greatly for Merlin "I am sure, if you talked it out with him, he wouldn't hold it against you." This was the only thing Gaius had told him today that Merlin had hard time believing in.

When Merlin had to leave he wanted desperately to stay. Merlin had never felt so relieved in his entire life and when Gaius walked him to the door Merlin hugged him tightly. "Thank you so much. For everything." He said to Gaiuses shoulder and Gaius patted him on his back. "Merlin, I never had a change to have children of my own, but you are like a son to me. And I can only be grateful that this pleasure was granted to me at this time and age. You have nothing to thank me for." Merlin felt touched and he found happiness he never would have even dared to wish.

"Now off you go before you make that Arthur of yours wait. I'll expect you to help me put some flowers into my garden next week." Merlin grinned at him and not even flinching for the mention of 'his Arthur' He walked back like he was on a cloud. He wasn't sick, he wasn't dirty. He had good friends. At least for now when he was out of the house, his stomach full and summer was showing its best, Merlin could believe that.

* * *

Arthur was already sitting in the car but didn't seem too annoyed so he must not have been there for very long. He asked Merlin about his day and Merlin told that he had had a good time. He didn't mention the topics but he told Arthur that he had learned new thing about his friends and Arthur was happy to see him so joyful.

When Merlin got into his room, his first priority was to hide the beer. He took the whole bag into his closet and opened the door to Arthur's side. He put the cans carefully to the threshold and closed the door. Then he walked out of his closet and closed it behind him. There was no-one in his room so he felt safe. He had a lot to think but he was sure for something. Uther would come to his room in the future and there was nothing Merlin could do about it. His feelings had changed today and now rather than blaming everything on himself he felt scared and soiled by Uther.

He still blamed himself for letting it all happen in the first place and he wished he had known everything he now knew before this all started. He also blamed himself for being so weak. He couldn't fight back and Uther knew it. The only thing he could do was to refuse Uther from kissing him and that he would do even if it got him killed. Killing him was the second worse thing Uther could do to him now. The worst was that he would find out about him and Arthur and do the same to his son. Merlin never wanted Arthur to go trough anything like that. From at least that Merlin needed to protect Arthur.

* * *

A/N Hi! Wow, it only took 24 hours for me to get that 10 reviews, so here is the next chapter, as I promised! Thank you so much for everyone who took their time to review, you are awesome! So... 11 reviews and the next chapter is yours :) It's called 'The home visit'. I hope you enjoyed Merlin opening up and the conversation with Gaius. If you are interested, Alice died 20 years ago (when Gaius gave up magic and Alice left in the show) and after that Gaius moved to his current home. Also the thing in the show looked like a walking, talking brain tumour and even the symptons matched, so...

mersan123 Did I mention that I love the way you speak? And yes, finaly! It was the high time for him to get that he has been raped and now I can actually write about things as they are. It's horrible that many children don't really know that they have the right to say 'no' if someone is touching them and making them uncomfortable and I also feel that adults don't talk about these kind of things enough and that leads to teenagers just sharing what little information they got and in the end things like this happen. Also that Merlin really feels that he's the one on thin ice because he is homosexual... I hope our generation can change that. And yes, Hunith is really starting to annoy me too and I have actually written this... but really, as much as we want to protect our children and as much as we try to do just that, just sometimes we don't make the right decisions. I would too know what to do with Uther's camera... how careless of him to save that kind of evidence...

thejammysod Sex ed is a great subject, many schools teach it too little, too inconsistently or just wrong. But it's so uncomfortable most of the time for most of the teens, that it usually goes like that... But I like to think that the pupils still learn something and they listen even if they make a lot of noise. It's sad that at that age many can say things that they don't really even mean, but the words might hurt some very deebly for years... I haven't actually written down what Lance told them, but basically he took his best coach voice (the one that can be heard across a football field) and told them to start and think of what they are letting out of their mouths. That they are already sixteen and he knows that they have brains and that this kind of behaviour hurts, not just Merlin who obviously wasn't happy, but who else you think that hurt? Edmund, Jordan? And when they couldn't answer he told that Merlin and Arthur were brothers rought marriage (Not making Arthur happy at all, but the loo on Edmund's face made him feel much better) making kind of a strong reaction... And so on. If you are interested, I can write it properly and add to the next authors notes :) You are the first one to call me on that Gwaine is a listed character. Yes, he is there for a reason even thought I had a tough decision between Lance and Gwaine...

Angel Dove1 The sex ed lesson wasn't part of my original plot, I had planned Gaius on telling Merlin all that in a bit different way, but the idea just came to me and I had to write it down :D I'm glad you liked it, in the end it was also one of my favourites too :) Yes, Merlin is finaly getting that he is not the one at fault and he is now mostly controlled by fear. The situation is not stabile in any way and Merlins stress levels are rising so high that this won't last. Soon we will se how ;)

Rake Good to hear that. I'll keep updating :)

Guest Thank you so much! I'm so happy that you find the character developement good, most of my time writing this went to that.

LordOfTehRainbow I'm sorry to hear that you felt mentaly drained :( I too hope it won't happen anytime soon again, but don't worry about not reviewing and your reviews are actually the longest ones I have got, so really no stress :) My goal with this story is to stay as realistic as possible and teenagers usually understand when they have stepped out of the line when someone really snaps at them. It's just that age we tend to speak before thinking and most of the people are not, as you said, bad. It's also true that we tend to think that if someone comes from a good (ritch) family, crimes like abuse or sexual violence can't happen. It's not even an option. Of cource they are rarer or better hidden, but that is exactly why I hope people would get a bit more educated on these posibilities, so this kind of abuse couldn't preferably even start. To answer your question, at first it will be only those closest to Merlin. Admitting that you have been raped, especially if you are a boy, is not an easy thing to do, but I have a scetch of a chapter where few from Arthurs football team get to know something. I'm not still sure if I will publish it, it depens on if there are enough people who would be interested :) And I live when people tell me that it's hard to predict what will happen next! Thank you!

bubzchoc Thank you :)

Skypeoplephoenix732 Yep, a- and demisexuals/romantics are often forgotten because they don't usually make such noise about themselfs and their rights. I will get back on the subject preafly in the future. (btw, Arthur is demisexual, he just doesn't have the word yet...) I have a scetch of what happened in Lance's class after Merlin left (see the reply I left for thejammysod) I could write it down and post it as an extra... Yeah, Hunith needs to step up and not take anymore of the nonsense Merlin keeps throwing at her direction and dig for the real answers, but lests see... I hope you had good time in the choir camp! Welvome back :)

MillaMaxwell12 :D Great to hear that you broke your pattern for the last chapter. It was meant to be a bit funny, so good to know I succeeded :) I'm so done with Uther too... But we will get rid of him, promise. Yeah Merlin didn't connect the word rape to himself, he has grown up in a small vilage and things like that have never occured to him could happen. That's part of the reason why Hunith is not seeing what is happening. She has been warned when she was young to stay away from shady alleys if he went to the nearby city, but the vilage was safe and to her moving to a posh part of a big city seemed even more safe. Ups...

EssieScrawls Oh don't be sorry! I'm super excited to get reviews from you, but no need to stress about it :) I'm happy with what I got. And flabbergasted... what a funny word :D I'm flattered! And that's a good analysis, Merlin really tries to handle it all himself... poor boy. I hope you liked the opening up bit! See you again!


	25. Chapter 25 - Home visit

The following weeks found their routine. Merlin would help in the football field on mondays, and on thursdays Merlin would visit first Gwaine and then Gaius. He would buy four beers and something to eat and usually he would eat while Gwaine made his sandwiches. After that he would go to Gaius' and help him with this and that and then they would drink tea and talk of various things.

Merlin had found some self-confidence and he sometimes told small things that Arthur had done oe said and he also found himself saying sentences like '…and our teacher is actually quite handsome' or 'that one player with nice hair' and Gaius didn't seem to mind. They also talked a lot about books that Gaius was loaning to Merlin. Merlin had again found his interest in learning something new and he was extremely interested in medical science to Gaiuses delight. Merlin found himself thinking about his future seriously for the first time since Uther. Maybe he could apply to become a doctor? Like Gaius had been. Gaius liked the idea very much and encouraged Merlin to focus his studies on it.

At home the things hadn't improved. Uther came to Merlins room quite often now (the four beer was not too much at all...). He clearly waited until everyone else was asleep and then came to take Merlin. He would often make Merlin shallow his load now and even when he took him from behind Merlin ended up vomiting. Some days he even vomited at night on the memory of it or after he woke up from a night mare that differed very little from his reality. When the feeling of that he deserved to be punished had been lifted, Merlin had found a whole new level of disgust for Uthers touch. He was again loosing weight and he had agreed to eat fish again.

It didn't help much and even the beer Merlin drank every time Uther had visited him didn't cover all of his energy loss. He was getting tired and the coldness he had only felt ocasionaly was now present most of the time. He had also noted that his arms and legs had grown a layer of thin hair in attempt of keeping him warmer and failing. His skin was dry and his nails chipped easily. He was quite sure that it all had to do with the constant hunger that twisted inside of him even when he wasn't able to eat or keep down what he had eaten.

It was maybe the sixth monday Merlin was helping the team and he had trouble of lifting a football from the ground. There just wasn't enough strenght in his legs to stand up. He would have found it actually quite hilarious if it wasn't so scary. He finally found a position where he could push himself up with some help from his left hand and he managed to walk without dropping the ball from his shaky hands.

When he had dropped the ball to Pelinor's waiting hands, he sat down right there. He hoped that he wouldn't have to rise up anytime soon. But such was his luck that Lance sat next to him and looked at him openly worried. "Merlin, I need to talk to you. You have been in an awfully bad condition lately." Merlin didn't know how to reply to that "I have been just staying up too late… It's summer after all…" He didn't have the strenght to be creative right now. Lance shook his head "We both know it's not about that. You are too thin Merlin and maybe you are not sleeping enough and that certainly doesn't help."

Merlin would have panicked to that if he had any energy left for that either. He was just too tired to care too much about anything at the moment. "I know I'm thin. Arthur tells me that every other minute I'm awake." He wasn't kidding. Merlin hadn't let Arthur to even rest his hand on his shoulder much less hug him in fear he would notice that he had lost weight again. Even the double t-shirt under his long sleeved shirt didn't hide how bony he was anymore. Merlin didn't want to get sick on malnourishment so he had tried to eat more in the mornings and he had again started counting calories and adding an awful lot of oil to his food but nothing seemed to be enough. At times his hunger was so bad that he felt nauseous because of it.

Lance didn't look convinced but he knew he was talking to a wall. He had to do something. Now. Merlin liked it or not. It wasn't his decision anymore, Lance had given him enough time to talk on his own. He decided to visit Merlin parents as soon as possible.

* * *

That very same night Lance rang the doorbell of Pendragon residence. He had to wait for a while but he supposed the house was big. Uther came to answer the door and let him in when he told he was a teacher. Uther offered him a cup of coffee politely and he and Lance sat to the living room. "I understood you wanted to talk about Merlin." Uther opened the discussion "Yes. As you are aware of, Merlin has been helping out with the football summer practices." He started careful not to slip that Merlin was there only half of the time, he wasn't yet sure if that needed to be told to this man.

"I hope he has done a good job…" The tone suggested that the only reason Uther could think of for a teacher's visit was that Merlin had done something wrong. Lance knew now that he had been right about the reasons why the boys had been so careful of their father. He clearly didn't tolerate any weaknesses or faults. "Yes, he has been doing excellent work and the whole team have been grateful for his help." He wanted to make sure Merlin got the credit he deserved. "So what is the problem then?" Uther seemed surprised. Lance recognised the type. Everything was all right if their child got excellent grades.

"I have been worried about Merlin's health. He have been loosing weight recently in a way that is not healthy to anyone in his age." Uthers face hardened. "I assure you there is nothing wrong with Merlin's health. May I ask, who were you again?" Lance knew now this was going to be hard, maybe even harder than talking to Merlin. He also understood why Arthur was the one Merlin had mentioned to be worried of his family. "My name is Lancelot and I'm Merlin's and Arthur's substitute PE teacher. I also coach the football team." This didn't seem to make Uther very impressed

"You are very young to be a teacher… and I don't see you being the best person to evaluate Merlin's health as you are not a doctor." Lance wanted to comment that one had to be blind and stupid not to notice that Merlin was too thin but he held his tongue. With that he would never get anywhere with Uther. "I am not yet a teacher. I have been a coach and taught in different schools. I have studied physical education and-" Uther was now seemingly angry and he raised his voice "Am I to understand that you have been teaching my children without a propped education and now you are here in front of me telling this nonsense?" His voice was rising with every word and in the end it was so loud that Arthur, whose door was slightly open, heard the noise. He went to see what was going on and when he saw Lance and heard Merlins name mentioned he immediately ran to get Merlin.

Merlin was on his couch reading one of the books Gaius had given to him when Arthur ran to his room without knocking. Merlin was about to be annoyed but then he heard the yelling coming from downstairs. He paled and followed Arthur as fast as he could. When he saw Lance his heart froze. If Uther had found out he hadn't been where he had supposed to be… But the yelling seemed to be directed at Lance. "...I will not tolerate an incompetent fraud! I pay a lot of money for this tuition and I assure you that I will contact the school as soon as possible…" "Mr. Pendragon. I'd like to remind you that I'm here for Merlin and-" Merlin froze again when hearing his name but Arthur had a total opposite reaction.

"Father! What is going on?" Merlin wished he could turn invisible when Uther stopped his yelling and looked straight to Arthur and them Merlin. "Did you know about this? That your 'teacher' has not even graduated?" Uther demanted to know from Arthur. Arthur held his head high and started to walk down the stairs calmly. "Yes, father, he did tell us in the first class." Uther wasn't pleased with that at all. He glanced at Merlin like if Arthur hadn't told him, Merlin should have. Merlin turned even whiter than he already was. He would have to pay for this tonight.

Uther then focused back to Arthur who was now standing in front of his father. "I am very disappointed in you right now. Why didn't you tell me immediately about this?" Arthur held his ground and Merlin admired him for that. He himself would have kneeled over about right now. "Because he is a great teacher who cares about his pupils and a great coach. I have learned so much from him this year." "Great teacher, hah! He's not a teacher. Look at him. He is barely out of school himself and you are telling me to respect what he says here under my roof-" "He is worried about Merlin! Like you should be, Father. Have you looked at him lately? He's bone and skin and he seems ill half of the time!" Arthur was now yelling. Every word that came out of Arthur's mouth, caused a little stab of pain in his own heart. He felt powerless and now when he was actually saying this all out loud he felt like Merlin should see a doctor. Now.

Merlin was also hurt by Arthurs words but in a whole different way. He truly hoped he wouldn't be the topic of this discussion. Uther's stare felt like a drill in his forehead and his visions blurred. He couldn't say or do anything. But he was also feeling horrible for making Arthur worry and Lance… He was about to lose his job because of him. Uther was quiet for a moment but then he blew up. He and Arthur shouted to each others in a full fight now and the words blurred in Merlin ears. He slid to the floor his hold on the railing the only support that kept him in a sitting position. Then something changed and Merlin heard Uther call his name "Merlin! Come down here this instant and tell this imposer of a teacher that there is nothing wrong with you!"

Everything went quiet and Merlin dragged himself from the floor. He walked down willing his legs not to shake. He walked past furious looking Arthur without even looking at him and stopped in front of Lance. He tried to look into his eyes but he couldn't. Lances eyes were filled with worry. "I'm alright. I eat well every day. I just like to spend time inside and I'm naturally thin and if I'm tired I might look a bit bad but in reality I'm fine…" He had told all of these things to his mother and now it felt like snippets from a recording more than an actual response to a question.

Uther seemed happy with that but Lance didn't seem to be convinced. "Merlin, we have talked about this before. You are too thin, you are often tired, not just now and then and your physical strength is too poor for your age. It would be for the best to meet a doctor, there could be any number of things, like disease or-" But Uther didn't let him continue any further. "I have no obligation to listen to a fake-teacher talk to me like this. I can take care of my own family." Arthur found his patience snap again "Father!" He shouted in desperation. "And Arthur, I won't tolerate this kind of behavior from you. Go back to your room right this instance. I will deal with the rest of this." He waved his hand at Lance's direction with distaste, like Lance was just an inconvinience that he needed to get rid of.

Arthur was ready to blow again but Lance interrupted him "Arthur, it's best to listen to your father. I'll leave, we will see each other on thursday." Arthur closed his mouth and looked at Lance with desperation "I will make sure you will not be seeing on thursday. I will call the headmaster tomorrow and get this shorted out." Uther said before Arthur could argue. Merlin felt his heart drop. It was his fault that this had happened. He tried to open his mouth but then he saw Uther's face and he couldn't even make a sound.

Lance walked out of the house with final 'good nights' for Merlin and Arthur. After he was gone they could only look after him helplessly. "Now to your rooms, both of you!" Uther's command was final and they both moved to go to upstairs. Merlin didn't dare to do anything else than he was told but Arthur followed him into Merlin's room.

"I can't believe this! I'm so mad right now!" Merlin sat down to his couch while Arthur paced pack and forth in front of him. "How can father not see any sense? And you!" Merlin flinched like Arthur had just hit him "You are not well. How can he not see that?! Merlin..." Arthur sat next to him and placed his hands formly on Merlin's shoulders, his voice growing almost desperate. "Please tell me the truth, are you unwell? Lance is right it would be the best to check you. If you have some kind of sickness or-" Merlin had to stop Arthur before he went any further. "Arthur I'm fine. You have seen me eat. It just doesn't stick to me." He felt horrible for lying about the same thing now to Arthur. He would have to make a way of getting more food to stay inside of him and fast. This couldn't continue like this.

Arthur still looked worried and before Merlin could do anything, Arthur embraced him. Arthurs arms felt safe and warm and Merlin melted into them. He pressed his cheek to Arthur's shoulder and let his arms just hang limp while Arthur hugged him. Merlin vaguely knew there was some reason he shouldn't allow this to happen but he couldn't remember right now.

Arthurs hands moved a bit on his back and Merlin closed his eyes breathing the smell of Arthurs neck in. "You are so thin…" Ah, there was the reason. Merlin pulled away and pushed Arthur to his arms length. "You worry for nothing. There is nothing wrong with me." He told Arthur firmly and stood up. He moved to sit on his desk and Arthur remained on the couch feeling helpless.

"But- " Arthur started but Merlin wan't in the mood to humour him "But what? I'll eat more if it will make you happy but there is nothing else I can do." That at least was true. Arthur looked defeated and he let his gaze drop. Merlin didn't want to see him like this so he opened his mouth to say something and he was about to go and hug him or kiss him. Anything to make him feel better when Uther opened the door without knocking.

Merlin froze and Arthur's face hardened. "Son, I want you to your own room right now." Arthur looked like he could start to argue but one look of Merlin told him that he would just make Merlin suffer if he did that, so he left. Only looking once back to see Merlin stand exactly where he had frozen when his father had opened the door. Uther close the door as soon as Arthur was outside and Arthur heard the lock click. He had no other options than to try and listen what happened on the other side of the door and when he didn't hear anything he finally went to his own room.

Arthur threw himself to his bed in frustration. He was so mad to his father right now and he was equally worried about Merlin. He would make Merlin hold onto his promise and he would make him eat more. Uther never came to his room and long after he had heard him exit Merlin's room Arthur still didn't move. He had left his door ajar for a purpose and when he heard his fathers voice make a phone call he quietly walked to the hallway and followed the voice to Uthers office. Uther was making a call for the principal telling him how he was paying for a high quality teaching and not for an unqualified substitutes who had apparently thaught there over a year now. From the tone and the onsided conversation he heard, Arthur knew the headmaster had given in. Lance would leave and they would have someone with 'education and experience'.

Arthur tip toed back to Merlin's room and knocked softly before entering again. Merlin was sitting on his desk again and when he heard the door he glanced at Arthur briefly. He didn't seem happy to see Arthur. Arthur was a bit taken aback by this. It always made him unsure what to do when Merlin didn't seem to want his company.

"I heard father call the school..." He tried to start a conversation. Merlin nodded at the windows direction. "Maybe we could do something?" Arthur tried even more unsure. Merlin was usually one to do and try to better the world but now he just continued to stare out of the window "No." Arthur came closer to him and put his arm around Merlins shoulder. Merlin flinched and tried to shake Arthurs hand away. Normally Arthur would have let him do just that but now he wanted to make some sense to this. "Merlin…" He said gently and took a gentle but firm hold of his shoulders. He again noted how bony they were but now was not the moment to talk about that. Merlin would just snap at him again.

"What's wrong?" Merlin stilled, looking defeated. "Lance is getting fired because of me…" Arthur's heart broke a little. He was so worried about Merlin's healt here and he was wrecked over Lance and not seeing the problem... "No, Merlin, Lance is getting fired because my father cannot see the world but with one way. Lance was worried about you and that's what makes him such a good teacher." Merlin didn't look convinced and he made a sarcastic noise which could have been 'whatever you say.' but instead it came out more like 'whmd'. Arthur stroked Merlin's cheek softly and rose his chin so their eyes met. Merlin looked into his eyes and for a moment Arthur saw something, a mirror of his want and then desperation. Merlin turned his face away.

"You should go to your own room." Merlin said. Arthur didn't want to leave. He had seen such emotion in Merlin and he wanted to know if he had seen correctly, if Merlin also wanted him, if there was a change that Merlin would feel the same way than he did. But Merlin slid down from the table and walked to the door and held it open. Arthur wanted to do something, anything to make Merlin let him stay but he got nothing with the door open and his father home he could just shallow his frustration and go. Merlin closed the door behind him and he was alone.

Arthur lied awake that night for a long time. His heart was in a fragile state. He felt so much hope and he wished from all his heart that Merlin would like him back. He had started to find it more than possible that Merlin also liked boys but he felt he took a great risk on wishing like this. If Merlin didn't like him back or if he would draw the line in between them for they were a family, Arthur's heart would brake. He wasn't sure if he had enough courage to actually ask. He had been close today and was now actually a bit clad that Merlin hadn't let him do that. Even if being glad about that made him feel like a covard.

And there was still something that kept nagging in the back of Arthur's head. Apart from this all, Arthur felt like there was something else separating them. Something he didn't see but Merlin clearly did. He wondered what kind of secret could Merlin still have. It had been obvious when Merlin had skipped class that there was something Merlin wasn't telling him but now… he didn't know from where to start. Merlin was home most of the time and when he wasn't, Arthur had a very good idea where he was and with whom. He had been thinking if Merlin liked Gwaine or someone else (he had even thought about Jordan whom Merlin gave his sandwich the other day) and wasn't over it and had used Arthur as a substitute. Or maybe there could be someone else he hadn't met, but that didn't sound possible anymore. Merlin told him very openly what he had done with Gaius and Merlin would have to be a super speed dater if he could see Gwaine, help Gaius weed and organizing his bookshelves and then have a date with some mystery person.

Then there was the drinking. Arthur had heard a couple of times Merlin open his side of the doors that connected their rooms and place something in between. After the second time he had heard that, Arthur had opened his side of the door and found four cans of beer. He had checked couple of times and the amount varied. Arthur was quite sure Merlin got the beer from Gwaine and he had thought of paying a visit to that a teaspoon for a morales… But then he would have to admit to Merlin that he had snooped around. He had been keeping an eye open for Merlins drinking but Merlin never seemed drunk and he wasn't even sure when he drank. If Arthur would catch him drunk or smelling like beer he could ask about it… The bottom line was that Arthur had to know more. And if he didn't get some answers soon, he would have to ask. He could call or even visit Gaius and ask if he had noticed something. He could go to see Gwaine behind Merlin's back and he could demand answers directly from Merlin. He would even risk a fight with Merlin if that would make him open up. Arthur fell asleep determined to get answers.

* * *

When he had seen Arthur obey and walk towards his door, Merlin had felt relif and when the door had closed behind Arthur's back, he could again breath. Arthur was safe now. But when Uther closed the lock and walked towards him, Merlin's focuse sifted and he panicked. He dropped onto floor and curled into a ball. Uther didn't seem to appreciate this and he took a hold of Merlin forearm and dragged him up. Merlin's legs couldn't support him and he was hanging like a rag doll from Uthers grip. He whimpered and Uther shook him.

"I warn you now boy, if you as much as try to get attention like this again, I promise you won't like the consequences." Merlin nodded and tried to find any feeling from his legs but found none. Uther shook him again and pushed him to sit on his chair. "What have you told to that teacher of yours, hmm? What did you do to get his attention? You little whore." Uther took a hold of Merlins face and made Merlin look directly at his face that was only about ten centimeters form Merlin's.

Merlin tried to answer, but his voice sounded weird because Uther was squeezing his cheeks "Nothing, I swear!" Uther didn't seem to believe him "Then why was he here?" Merlin tried to shook his head but Uthers grip prevented that "I don't know…" Well he knew that he was too thin because he had been throwing up and now that he had vitnessed Lance and Arthur's open worry like this, he felt stupid that he had even thought that it wasn't that easy to spot if he just kept making excuses, but somehow he knew Uther wouldn't like this answer. He briefly wondered if Uther had noticed, he was, after all the only one who saw Merlin naked all the time. He should have noticed...

Uther let go of his face and Merlin just to take a hold of his hair. He tilted Merlins head backwards and breathed directly to his face. "I want you to know that I'll come here tonight and you better make me happy then." Merlin knew exactly what that meant. What made Uther happy was that he was already naked, in his bed and ready to suck him off. He shuddered but said 'yes' in a quiet, defeated voice. Uther let go of his hair and left. Merlin shivered. He could do nothing but wait the night to come.

Merlins waiting was interrupted by Arthur who didn't seem to get the hint that he wanted to be left alone. His presence made it harder to forget what he had to do again tonight and again later this week and over and over again. When he took hold of his shoulder he felt too dirty, too damaged to stay there. He didn't want Arthur to touch something as dirty as himself but this time Arthur didn't let him go like usual, for a moment the position was too similar to what it was with Uther, Arthur standing while he was held still, that Merlin froze. But that just made the contrast even grater when Arthur gently stroked his cheek that still remembered the grip of Uther.

For a moment Merlin felt like he wanted to ask, to begl Arthur to help him. To take him in his arms and protect forever. But he really couldn't. He had to get to be alone so he took Arthur to the door and closed it behind him. He breathed in deeply and pressed his nails to his palms. He was so deep in a quick sand that every time he turned he just sank deeper. There was no end to this and Merlin did himself a favour with not forgetting that. Raising false hope made it just hurt more.

At night Merlin was waiting Uther and when he came Merlin sucked him of while Uther had a strong grip of his hair. He touched Merlin from every way and when he came he told Merlin to shallow and Merlin did just that trying to breath through his mouth so he wouldn't taste anything. It worked so-so. Finally Uther asked Merlin to kiss him and when Merlin refused, it earned him a blow to his stomach. He spend a good while vomiting that night and after that he sat in his closet and drank one of his beers. He wondered if he could ever have anymore of these after Lance would be gone. He couldn't go visit Gwaine or Gaius anymore. He couldn't think about that. He would have to make up something. He knew he wouldn't survive long without them.

* * *

Lance's leaving had reached the whole football team before the next thursday. They were devastated and demanted a reason from where they could. Merlin had listened how Arthur's phone had chimed from morning to night when his team mates were exchanging information and askin what to do. Even Merlin had gotten few messages but he didn't reply. He wasn't even sure from where for example Oliver had gotten his phone number. He strongly suspected Elyan.

When the thursday came, Lance was way calmer than Merlin had thought anyone could humanly be. Lance pacifyed them one at the time and told them all that it had been expected, he was unqualified and he had been substituting them for too long "Now you can have someone more experienced and it will be better for you." The team didn't agree but there was not much to argue to. Arthur had remained quiet and Merlin couldn't even make himself present. He had left to see Gwaine and Gaius. This might be the last change to see them.

Lance had gotten excellent recommendations from the school principal and he was truly sorry to let Lance go but he didn't have much choice. Uther _did_ fund his school and he had made the situation known to many other parents who weren't happy either. Lance had been very understanding. He would stay for another week until the school found a suitable teacher. The principal offered him the salary of the rest of the summer for Lance's contract had been made till the start of the new semester and Lance was clad to accept. Not because of the money, but how he felt that he really was aknowledged and appreciated by the principal.

Both Gwaine and Gaius were worried when Merlin told them what had happened (he didn't mention the part of he being too skinny) and even thought Gaius heard it for the first time that Merlin in fact _still_ didn't have his guardians permission to visit him, he wasn't too surprised. From what he had gathered from Merlin, Uther didn't seem a man who would let his family member of the hook if he found out about their homosexuality. That and Merlin didn't seem to get out much so Gaius had learned to understand Merlins need of freedom and he didn't want to see this little they had taken away. He offered to talk to Uther and even hire Merlin to help him but Merlin was terrified of the idea Uther finding out where he had been so Gaius had given up.

* * *

When everybody else had left, Lance let himself sink behind his desk. He had been teaching here half a year at a time for over one and a half year now. It had yet to be sunk in that he would not come back to this office or this gym or these pupils after next week. He would need to clean up the office and he would need to prepare the team for the change of coach and he would not be in the game against the other posh school in the city that was their worst rival... Oh God, he wouldn't be there...

Lance let his face fall to his hands and he massaged his temples feeling that the time was against him. The matches aside, he was now beyond worried about both Arthur and Merlin. Meeting Uther had proved to be a mistake. And the way the man had behaved and reacted, Lance knew that everything wasn't alright in that house hold. Uther Pendragon had treated him and his sons with a way that was not proper let alone loving. He should have seen how Merlin reacted to his yelling and still he had done that in a way that made Lance wonder how much of the stuff Merlin had told him were actually influenced by his adoptive father. At the best case scenario, Uther was an ignorant fool who didn't bother to look close enough to know how his sons felt or what they needed and in worst case scenario he was the problem. How Arthur had managed to seem so sound and happy and balanced in that household was beyond Lance. His nerves had to be made of something much stronger than those of regular people.

But now Lance could see that while Arthur seemed fine, it didn't mean that the things were well at home. He should have gone sooner... he should have arranged a time and invited both Uther and Merlin's mother to the school with someone else also present, the principal maybe... and their nurse. But if he had blown this up, his leaving here wouldn't make him give up. He was not a teacher anymore after next week and then he would get someone else to evaluate the situation with more power behind them. He had briefly thought about police, but he had an old friend there and he knew what he would say: 'If you have no evidence of an actual crime, call the social service. It's not as fast, but if you are wrong, there is not as much harm done to you or the family. Plus the police won't actually do anything without evidence and your complaint will end up in a pile of stuff that nobody cares about. I have two of those in my desk and I swear they will turn to the desk one day'.

So, the minute he wouldn't be Merlin's teacher, Lance would call the social service anonymously so it wouldn't seem that he was just after a revenge on Uther Pendragon.

Lance was just gathering everything he would want to tell them when there was a soft knock on the side of his door. Lance snapped his eyes to the sound and he saw Gwen standing by the door frame. "Elyan just left, I thought that I could help you clean or something..." Gwen was smiling softly, but she looked sad. And that was something Lance couldn't take at the moment.

He stood up and slowly circled around his table to take Gwen to his arms. He buried his nose to Gwen's curls and he pressed himself to Gwen. He stroked Gwen's hair with his other hand and the other he let to rest on Gwen's waist. It felt so right... and suddenly Lance's head wasn't such a mess anymore. He had no idea if he could be any help to Arthur or Merlin. He had no idea of what he would do from next autumn on or what he even wanted to be in the long run. But this he knew, Gwen was important to him. With her he could take that all, if just she would let him be with her and now it was time to be brave and take what ever Gwen felt and deal with it.

"Gwen... I love you." He said with all of his heart. Gwen sifted a little like she was trying to see Lance's face, but Lance just buried himself further into Gwen's hair. "Lance... I love you too and I-" Lance felt happiness bloom in his chest and he knew what Gwen was going to say, but really, at this point that was Lance's duty, so he interrupted Gwen by a small and warm kiss on her lips. "I want to share my life with you and only you. I know that I'm nothing special. I'm just a high school graduate with no real direction in life and I'm old..." Gwen chuckled at that softly her eyes shining. "But I would try my best for you. Please, will you let me make us official? I will not be your teacher after this week and I would very much want to see your father and-" "And he would be thrilled to see you. I have already told him about us." Gwen interrupted his rambling.

"Oh?" was all that Lance could say after a brief pause and Gwen smiling at him amusedly. "Yes. I thought that if I couldn't tell about us to my dad, there must be something wrong. It was actually a quite easy conversation." She said with a hint of amusement in her voice. "I'll turn 17 soon... how about we meat my dad before that and we will tell our friends in my party?" She said a bit more seriously and Lance couldn't stop himself from smiling fondly. Gwen had obviously thought about this and as usual, she was actually the one of them that had looked at the big picture and evaluated the situation calmly. Unlike Lance who had a tendency of getting wrapped up on details like their age or what he would say to Gwen's father. Now that they stood here in Lance's soon to be ex-office, Lance could see that there was no doubt in Gwen's voice. She had known what Lance felt for her and she knew what she herself felt for him. She had known that Lance wasn't going to leave her or that he wasn't only interested because Gwen was young. She had been ready to call Lance her boyfriend and be openly his girlfriend for a long time now. As had Lance, he just now realised.

"Yes... let's do that." He said softly and he kissed Gwen in a way he had never dared to. With passion and promise of more for both of them. And for Lance the more involved the future together.

* * *

A/N Wow! I went to work and when I got back home, there were so many reviews... Thank you all so much! Here is the chapter I promised and even if at this rate I'll have to write every moment I'm awake, I'll update the next chapter as soon as you let me know with your reviews that you want the next chapter :) So I got 13 reviews for the last chapter so 14 reviews and the chapter called 'Happy birthday Gwen!' will be yours. I love all the reviews I have gotten and I kind of feel bad that I'm asking for more, but I have been enjoying so much reading some reviews from new reviewers who might not have reviewed otherwise (and really I need at least a bit more time otherwise I'm in a real trouble in ...seven chapters, because I have some stuff I'm going to rewrite...).

As you can tell by the name of the next chapter and the ending of this chapter, it will be mostly a filler, but with quite nice moments between Arthur and Merlin too :3

Btw, sorry for possible spelling mistakes, I had no time to proofread the answers I wrote for your reviews, hope there are not too many...

When I used to substitute as a teacher in schools, I kind of felt that going to university to study teaching would be a waste of time. I was quite natureal with especially young children and in the end I had almost six years of experience behind me. I could handle the children, make tham feel proud of themselves and teach them how to read and behave in large groups, but these kind of situations are really the ones that one needs the education. To get the kowledge of what to do and how to solve problems and handle parents. Because in these kind of situations ones gut feeling is not enough. Getting the situation wrong, can really do some damage or at least delay the help the child or the parent(s) need.

That said, I'm so thank full for all your reviews and even if you are not writing a review, know that to me it's very valuable that you are reading and enjoying my story, so all you silent ones too, a huge thank you! Have a nice weekend and see you soon!

bubzchoc I'm not sure what else I could say, so Thank you :) I'm happy that you think that.

Angel Dove1 cyber hug recieved and appreciated! Yeah, Merlin is in love with Arthur and he can't bear the thought of Arthur going trough with the same things he had gone and he has kind of had so much time to fear that Uther will really harm him that he is kind of numbed to the idea. That is in now way healthy, but romantic? yes, that too... But that same love has done much good to Merlin and it will in the future, I promise!

Caelanora Firts of all, that is so interesting that you ar a psychoeducation student! I'm so flattered that even someone like you can relate and enjoy my story :) It would be highly interesting to talk with you about the subject. I also really hate when people get arrogant and think that depression or trauma is something one can just overcome if they want and it's easy... 'just talk to someone' yeah right... that is so narrow minded. And I can understand your english just fine, I'm not a native speaker either so my writing is actually full of mistakes I try to correct like four times before I publish a chapter... I'm so happy to hear that I have written my Merlin and Uther well, it's the most compliment I can hope to get! I promise you a happy ending, I really don't wnat this all to end badly for I already know how 'badly' could turn out...

Senile Feline Oh, my first language is finnish (a native tongue of Finland) and I learned spanish before I learned english... Why are you interested? So you study linquistics or something? I'm again happy that you called my story realistic :)

CoolBeans100 Thanks! I loved the relationship Merlin and Gaius had in the tv-show, so I have tried my best to get the same feeling here :)

I promise that Merlin and Arthur will get closer :) And yes, why couldn't he have told everything to Gaius... but at least he is getting more comfortable with his sexuality, something that Utehr has tried his best to ruin from Merlin.

Dragonlady1971 Oh my God, I'm so sorry to hear that had happened to you! I have no words... but I'm glad that you have found something that you have been able to relate in my story. I really wished those kind of things didn't have to happen in this world, but that is why I'm writing this story. I hope that I can write a story that will raise a little bit of awareness of this stain in humanity in a realistic way. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal, horrible experience. I hope that you are doing better now where ever you are!

LordOfTehRainbow The actor who played Gaius is gay?! Wow, I didn't know that :D Well, I wanted to kind of transfre the hate of magic from the show and the need to hide what they are to this story too and I also wanted to remind that no-one can change their sexuality, so someone who is bi doesn't turn to a hetero if they date someone of the opposite sex. And also that not being heterosexual is not just somekind of youngsters thing. And yes, Merlin truly needed that. I think many do. It's very valuable to hear someone you trust to tell you that you are good the way you are. And that is so funny that you had wanted to ask me if I could write a sex ed chapter :D I'm glad that I kind of granted your wish without you having to ask me :)

EssieScrawls Yeah, in a way they were all bugging Merlin to tell what was wrong and so finaly Merlin just had to say something. He might have told Gwaine more if they had been in a more private settings with no interuptions... And yes, Uther is getting more and more violent, dangerously so. Someone will notice soon, Merlin has too many people around him that care about him that there is no way non of them will notice anything soon...

Guest You guessed right! (As you might have already noticed...) Uther will not go unpunished, I have already quaranteed you a happy ending, so maybe when that finaly happens, you will have a love/love relationship with this fic :) You are not the only one who has told me that they want to ehrm, go violent with Uther, and protect Merlin. And actually the more people feel that they want to protect children from this kind of abuse, the more we actually silently support and protect them. When those who has ore are suffering of abuse start to feel that most of the people don't think it was their fault, they can step forward, have the courage to stop the abuse, talk to someone and start their healing. Bit by bit, we are the ones that are making the difference, so keep feeling that way :)

thejammysod I'll write what happened in Lance's class after Merlin left as soon as I can :) Thanks for telling me that you are interested :) Unfortunately Merlin won't tell anything to any of Arthurs football mates, they are one thing that feels like a thread to him. They would surely laugh and tell a´veryone, even Arthur and... You know, I would have never told even if I lost my favourite pencil to one of the popular kids in my time if that pencil had been truly important to me... But I still have plans for them too ;) I tried to phrace that one sentance well, but in the end I thought it sounded too serious coming from Gwaine so I made it so he wasn't realy remembering how it was phased, he just remembered the meaning... I hope it didn't turn out too confusing... And yeah, surpricingly small amount of people are actually straight, but I hate fics that kind of make everyone gay, so I have put a lot of thought of the characters sexualities. Glad you liked one of them :)

Cool Yep! Lets' hope ;) And thank you so much for the compliment :)

mixxi Oh thank you so much! It's not too long away, hang in there!


	26. Chapter 26 - Happy birthday Gwen!

The last time Lance was there to coach the practices was monday. A week later than he had originaly supposed to leave. The team gave him a football signed by all of them. Lance was very moved and smiled brightly at them one by one when he found their names. When it was time he found Merlin's name, written in a small lettering like not wanting to be found, Lance smiled at Merlin warmly. Merlin would have actually found it easier if Lance had been angry at him. He felt so very quilty even after Arthur, Gwen and even Vivian (who Merlin had called in need of distraction) had told him that it was not his fault.

Lance told them that he had found a nice job with younger children on the other side of the city, but promised he would visit their games. Most of the practice they didn't even play and even Arthur didn't comment on that, the mood just wasn't right for that and everyone kept close by Lance talking and complainin and making him promise over and over again that he would come to some game or camp or party or whereever and Lance kept answering that he would be there and he reminded many of them about their strenghts and about some great or funny moments.

Merlin easily managed to slip further from Lance, but eventually Lance took notice of him and made his way to stand next to Merlin. He patted Merlin on his shoulder while he spoke to him "And Merlin, thank you for your help, It has been a pleasure working with you." Merlin looked down "I wish I could have helped more." Lance caught his double meaning and smiled at him. "Merlin, you have done enough." It was a simple sentence but the words rang in Merlin's ears the whole day and somehow he found he could believe in them. He felt much better after that. He was sure he would see Lance again.

The new teacher they got didn't care a rat's ass if Merlin was present or not and signed him extra credit if he showed his face to him after the practice so Merlin made a habit of helping for the first half an hour and disappearing then to meet his friends. He would be back precisely five minutes before the practice was over. Gwaine and Gaius were both pleased that Merlin visited more often and Merlin managed to gain some weight by eating Gwaine's cookings two days a week and seeing Gaius afterwards made him relax. Merlin had started to connect his ability to digest food to his stress levels and his stress levels seemed to drop the moment he left home with Arthur and even more so the moment he stepped into Gwaine's store. For him it had been a good thing that Lnce got fired after all. He felt selfish feeling that, but he was happy to see Gwaine and Gaius more often.

Arthur on the other hand was not happy at all. The new teacher didn't care enough about the team to meet Arthur's standards so all the pressure rested now on his shoulders. He tired to remember all the advice Lance had given him and he even called him now and then to ask for advice. Arthur was often late in their garden trying to plan the whole three hours himself. He had worked like mad to arrage the team again so he could coach himself and while he missed playing himself, it was just impossible to play while coatching.

The team didn't like their new teacher either which affected the whole mood. Even Merlin sometimes got the short end of the stick when some of the players snapped at him when the day wasn't good or his timing was bad. Lee had even once lost his temper complitely and told Merlin that there was no point in just hekping half an hour, why couldn't he care enough to stay for the whole practices?! He had apologized soon after really embarrassed about his behaviour. Merlin didn't mind too much, he understood where they were coming from. One day he managed to rise the team spirit a bit by ordering everyone a sandwich from Gwaine's and reminding them of having fun. Arthur had beamed at Merlin but Merlin could tell how much he was truly affected by this. It wasn't easy to lead a team alone and few sadwiches were not going to fix what had gone with Lance.

Arthur kept telling himself that he had lived in a delusion that he could do it alone and well, he felt like he had an endless heap of things to learn. In all the years he had stressed in his life of his grades and appearance, he had never stressed this much on a personal level and it took its toll on Arthur. When he noticed one day that the new coatch had abandoned all the paperwork he and Lance had used to recall what had happened in each practices, Arthur was sure his work would collapse into its own impossibility and soon. If he didn't know that the team depended on him, he was sure he would give up.

And then there was Merlin... His being in every practice was something that made Arthur leave the house every monday and thursday. Arthur wished that Merlin would stay there trough the whole practices, but he didn't dare to ask. Merlin needed his time with Gaius and Gwaine and while Arthur felt that he didn't even see Merlin at home if they weren't playing football he could tell that Merlin looked better than just two weeks ago. Some nights Arthur felt that he just wanted to curl on Merlin's lap and ask him to comfort him, but he didn't dare to ask that either. He didn't feel that he deserved that and if he had time for that, maybe he should do something, anything more. They had lost the game against their rival school and Arthur knew that if Lance had been there, they would have won. His team was better... Arthur just couldn't get them to play like he wanted to and the new coach just wasn't in tune with his methods at all.

Being so much alone at home while Arthur stressed about football made Merlin eventually depressed and bored out of his mind. He could read Gaius' books only so much and he didn't like to face his mother too much. Hunith also had gotten extra shifts from the hospitals and she spend more evenings there than home now. Even thought Merlin had really consentrated on eating after what had hapened with Lance and he had seen thinner days, now he at least didn't have those shivering in cold periods, he again found fatigue hitting him now and then strongly. He had started to wear his hoodie again to hide his tinniness even though it was summer. That helped with the cold also, but not with the fatigue.

Some of Arthur's team mates had commented on him that they couldn't comprehend how he could manage a long-sleeved shirt plus jumper in the middle of the summer but Merlin had just brushed it of with comments of how he couldn't comprehend why a bunch of them wanted to run after a ball in a field on their free time and it had gotten a regular joke in the team. Now he at least had energy to lie better.

Uther had taken Merlin on most of the nights lately and Merlin wondered if it had something to do with the fact that his mother wasn't home on so many nights. Uther had made a habbit of coming earlier, barely half an hour after Arthur had gotten to sleep (which didn't matter much, Arthur slept like a dead nowadays) and before Hunith came home. It wasn't unusual that Merlin could hear his mother closing the front door when Uther exited his room. He refused to think what Uther did with his mother in their bedroom, but it still made it even harder to look at his mothers face.

Merlin had seen Gwen couple of times when she came to see the football practices with Elyan and she had told him that she and Lance were now officially together. That They had gone to dinner with Gwens father and that they had gotten very well along. Merlin was happy for her and relieved that Lance could have this. He saw the brightness in Gwens eyes and he knew everything would be alright. Their age difference hadn't gotten in the way and Lances intentions had been pure. Merlin was happy and one of his worries finally melted from his heart. Gwen was throwing a birthday party soon and she told Merlin that she would announce her and Lance's relationship there "This time no being sick, you have to see my brothers face!" Merlin laughed at this and he promised to be there.

What Gwen didn't tell Merlin was that she and Lance had talked about him. Lance had told Gwen how Merlin had been protecting her and Gwen had told him that she had known it all along. They both had agreed that Merlin was an important friend to both of them and they had laughed at somethings Merlin had done or said. But the conversation had taken a different direction when Lance had voiced his worry for Merlin. Gwen had to agree to his worries and she finaly confessed how sometimes Merlin didn't have appetite and he seemed like he didn't want to talk about somethings. Lance had told how stright hold Uther had on Merlin. That he had really gotten worried when Uther had practically made Merlin say what he wanted to hear. In the end Lance had told her how he had decided to call social workers. How he had to do something. The social service had told him that it would probably take another three to four weeks before anything happened and the only thing they could do, was to wait.

The snowball was rolling and while social service had added Merlin on their list of visits, Lance wasn't the only one who had decided that it was time to do something.

One monday two weeks after Lance had left, when Merlin visited Gwaine, he suddenly felt faint. This was nothing new and even Gwaine had seen that happen that one day when Merlin first ate an omelet in Gwaines kitchen. This time however when Gwaine moved a chair closer to him and took a hold of his side to guide him to sit, Merlin winced and jumped to another direction covering the place Gwaine had just touched. Gwaine looked at Merlin confused and Merlin mumbled something about getting a football to his stomach but Gwaine didn't buy it. Not this time. He had seen this pattern before, he just hadn't recognised it in _Merlin_ before. Someone had hit Merlin. Either he was being bullied (which was unlikely because at school Arthur would have surely done something), he was mixed in with some bad company (even more unlikely) or there was violence in his home.

Gwaine knew better than to press Merlin right now and just got him some juice to drink. Why hadn't he got it earlier? The adverting eyes and drinking… The obvious 'I'm fine I just fell on the stairs' type stories. He mentally kicked himself. His old man had been right. He would loose his touch and he would regret it one day. 'What you have once learned is impossible to ignore later in life' he heard his father tell him 'Yeah, yeah, get out of my head you old goat' He thought but his humour was gone.

He made Merlin eat before he left for Gaius with his four beers and one bottle of sparkling wine for his friends birthday party. (Gwaine had sold it when Merlin had told that Gwen and Lance were becoming official and that half of the football team would be there). Gwaine had to do something. He sighed. He would close the store tomorrow and do the last thing he wanted to do. He would go to meet his old man. 'Because once you have learned something…' If he was in luck he never had to tell his dad how many of his rantings he remembered.

* * *

Gwens birthday party was the talk of the week. Arthur had somehow gotten a permission from his father (Merlin would never understand how, but he had heard snippets of a very, _very_ politely phraced fight-ish what ever that had been) for them both to go and Uther was also going to some kind of fancy party with Hunith. Most of the football team would be there. Merlin had learned during the time he and Gwen had known each others that Gwen didn't have that many close girl friends, she preferred boys company most of the time and while she had invited Vivian, she handn't gotten a permission to go from his father. Vivian had even called to Merlin to complain how she was stuck at home and never got to do anything fun.

"If this continues, I'll have read every book on the planet by the time I'm eighteen!" She had whined and ranted on to Merlin for almost an hour. She had even practically commanded Merlin to come and get her out of the house causing Merlin to seriously doubt her logic. If his father wouldn't let his daughter to a party with boys in it, how would he let Vivian go alone somewhere with Merlin? He had toned Vivian down by telling her that he didn't have a car and ask Arthur instead. Vivian had huffed him and told that there was no way in hell that his father would let her leave with _Arthur_. In the end Vivian had been pleased when she had managed to bully Merlin to promise he would call her more often.

When Merlin had dressed to a button up shirt and black trousers and hid the sparkling wine into his bag, he was ready to leave. He had chosen a purple shirt he had bought with Gwens influence and he hoped that Arthur would like how he looked. In a way that felt silly because Arthur had seen him everyday for the past two years so how much could one shirt make a difference? He was still too thin and still lanky and he still had too big ears. He sighed to himself, 'well, lets pretend at least for now that it even matters.'

Arthur was packing his car when Merlin walked to the garage. Their parents had already left so they had already promised to behave and be home by midnight and not drink even if someone brings alcohol and…. the list went on. Merlin was just happy that they weren't reminded of how to call to an emergency number or to be careful with stoves. Still he had felt like a normal family for a while and maybe that was why he had energy to worry how he looked in a shirt that his friend had practically forced him to buy.

Arthur looked up from what he was doing and stopped midway. Merlin looked nice. The colour suited him well and to see him in something else than a hood and loose pants… Arthur liked it. Very much. "So you do own some other clothes besides that jumper…" He still wasn't going to tell it to Merlin so easily. Merlin frowned at him and commented back "Well at least I don't dress to every single party in the same old vest…" Arthur looked down at himself. He happened to like this vest. It was just the right size (it had been tailored to him) and it was red, what was there not to like? "I just find something that is perfect, so why change?"

Merlin rolled his eyes and gave Arthur his bag while moving to his seat. Arthur put Merlin's stuff gently on the truck. There were their presents and one bottle of sparkling wine for celebration. They had planned on opening the bottle when Gwen and Lance told everyone they were together. It was their second present, open support. Even Arthur didn't have any objections when Merlin had suggested it. There were going to be at least twenty people so having a sip wouldn't hurt anyone, but it would be a nice gesture.

They left and they talked about this and that and Arthur felt like he could finaly remember again who he was. He felt really present and there with Merlin. For once he wasn't going in loops in his head of what he should do or shouldn't have done in the next or the last practice and so on. Merlin also seemed just... Arthur couldn't quite put his finger on it, but maybe relaxed? Or calm? Or just Merlin...

When they parked on the road Gwen lived in, Arthur took a hold of Merlins hand "Could you kiss me?" Merlin didn't miss that Arthur used the exact same words that Merlin had used to ask him the first time. He looked around but saw no-one. The car was also dark so it was hard to see inside so he finally nodded. He waited Arthur to do something but when he didn't Merlin realised Arthur had asked _Merlin_ to kiss _him_.

Merlin licked his lips nervously and leaned towards Arthur. He was hesitant and clumsy. He normally didn't initiate anything and the ankle was awkward. And it had been almost a week since they had last kissed and it had been only a small good night kiss. Arthur came to Merlin's aid soon and he moved his lips against Merlin's until he felt himself relax. He felt so good right here by Merlin's side. Kissing Arthur also melted Merlin's fear for a second and he briefly thought that if he could get this more often he would probably be more addicted to this than to alcohol.

When Arthur broke the kiss naturally he didn't leave, instead he hugged Merlin warmly and whispered to his ear "You look good in that shirt." Merlin shivered pleasantly. He breathed in with pleasure and he again felt the need to be closer. Merlin closed his eyes for a moment and imagined he didn't have to go anywhere.

Then he breathed Arthurs scent in and pulled himself apart from Arthur. They sat there for a moment and the left the car in mutual silence.

Most of the people had already arrived and Gwen seemed the happiest person alive. Merlin hugged his friend warmly and Arthur gave her their presents. Gwen thanked them and opened her presents with excitement. Merlin had bought her a pretty notebook and a necklace shaped like a spiral that made a shape of tear with one small purple stone in the middle and Arthur had gotten Gwen her own football so Elyan would stop complaining about Gwen stealing his. Elyan saw this and whined about why did Gwen have a better ball than he had now and looked the pendant Merlin had given her suspiciously.

"No, Merlin isn't my mystery boyfriend." Gwen said in a tone that told Merlin that Gwen had said this line very often in the past few weeks. "I just hope it's not Oliver…" He pointed to behind him and Merlin saw Oliver sitting on the couch wearing a popcorn bowl as a hat and telling something in a loud voice to everyone who was willing to listen. Arthur raised his eyebrow and Gwen rolled her eyes. "I told you I'll tell you today, so bugger off and get some more popcorn to your friend's hat." Elyan commented how lucky Arthur was to have a brother instead of a sister but knowing his own good, disappeared soon after.

Merlin soon spotted Lance sitting in a quiet corner and Merlin made his way to meet him. They talked a while and Merlin was glad to see him happy and content in his new job and seemingly happy to see Merlin also. At some point Gwen came there to take Lance by hand and told them "I can't wait, my brother will drive me crazy in two minutes." She had the pendant Merlin had given her in her neck and Merlin smiled at her. He also rose up to get the sparkling wine Arthur had smuggled to the fridge.

When Merlin got the wine out he heard Gwen gathering everyones attention. "Alright, first of all, happy birthday for me!" All cheered. Merlin knew everyone liked Gwen and that was not a miracle of any sorts. Still he was a worried of what especially those in the football team was going to say when Gwen would drop the bomb. "As maybe some of you have heard my dear brother whine, I have a boyfriend and I want to make it official today…" There was some disappointed sounds heard from the living room, everyone had heard Elyan go around trying to find out who Gwen was dating. While some had really been disappointed the crowd now was just joking as dramatically as they could.

Gwen laughed a bit nervously (if someone asked Merlin) and cleared her throat she must have looked at Lance or taken a hold of his hand because Merlin heard 'Oohs' and catcalls and he decided it was time to open the bottle. Merlin was glad to see Arthur walk to help him to open the bottle while he took some plastic cups for everyone. They walked to the living room and they saw Elyan look like an owl eyes wide and his mouth open and others congratulating Gwen and Lance. Merlin heard many tell they had known all along. He wasn't that convinced about that...

Gwen caught Merlins eyes and he smiled to her brightly. He pointed at Arthur who just popped the crock off and everybody cheered. It was a wonder how thin line there was in between a crowd like this screaming a bloody murder and celebrateing something together like it was the best thing that had happened in their lives ever. Merlin had been prepared to both possibility and he was extremely happy that he didn't have to use the wine bottle as a weapon to get Gwen to safety trough window like he and Arthur had half jokingly planned.

Arthur poured the wine a small amount to everyone who came to get some from him and Merlin took three glasses and made his way to give them to Gwen and Lance. Gwen took hers and hugged Merlin tightly. Merlin answered to the hug equally. When he let go of Gwen he looked at Lance smiling "Or am I not allowed to do that anymore?" He asked lightly from Lance. Lance smiled at him and replied to him with a joking tone "Well, I'm not sure… should I allow that?" He looked at Gwen who smiled at him brightly, put her arm around Merlins shoulder and pulled him to her side "No way you have any saying on that." Merlin put his arm around Gwens waist and laughed "Yeah, my friend first, your girlfriend second." Gwen giggled and Lance rose his hands in defeat. "Alright, alright, I will surrender in front of your friendship." They both laughed and Merlin let go of Gwen. They clicked (or what ever sound you get with three plastic cups) the glasses together and took a sip. Merlin liked the taste. It was fresh and a bit sweet and it was cold… That alone made it better than his room temperature beer in his closet.

They talked a while and Gwen told him again how much she liked her new pendant. Merlin advised Lance to buy her some jewellery and Lance told him that he would take Merlin with him to help out, he was horrible with jewellery. Merlin had such a good time. They eventually got separated when Elyan came to take Lance to the side to have a 'talk' with him as he called it and Gwen had to talk to other people as well.

Merlin soon found himself from the company of Arthur and even if Arthur was mostly talking with his team mates and Merlin just listened, he had good time. He didn't even care much when some people sat next to him or when they slapped him to his back or shoulder. He could even laugh at some of the many comments how Lance had taken Gwen from under his nose. To his surprise Jordan, who happened to be near when Merlin was told some of the most annoying comments of the night, stepped in and told them to "bugger off, Merlin and Gwen are just friends and that's annoying". That had stopped the comments for a while and Merlin had thanked Jordan who had just waved his arm to his direction dismissing his thanks "Any time." he had told him. Maybe there was some hope in his people skills after all.

When the night went on and more and more people wasted to sit on the sofa, Merlin found himself squeezed to Arthurs side. He wouldn't have minded if there weren't so may pairs of eyes potentially looking at their direction. But Arthur didn't seem to notice and he just continued to talk and laugh and have fun and eventually Merlin also relaxed. At some point however, the ever so bright Oliver sat on someones lap and when pushed out he decided to lie on top of everyone currently sitting on the sofa. This caused commotion and a general 'lets make a pile' phenomenon. Soon everyone tried do get to the couch and Merlin was left to the bottom of it all. There were limbs and struggling everywhere and when someones butt literally squeezed against Merlins face he found himself petrified. He felt guilty for betraying everyone like this. If they knew he was gay they would most definitely not sit and lie on his lap.

Arthur was right next to him and he must have noticed his discomfort because he asked "Are you ok?" He had to yell to get trough all the noise and screaming and pushing and limbs. Someone happened to elbow Merlin to his cheek at the moment and he replied "Who could be ok, when your oversized team is crushing me under them?" Arthur kind of laughed and pushed his arms trough to protect Merlin. He wrapped his arms around him and covered him with his upper body. Merlin blushed like he had never before. What was Arthur thinking!? They were in a couch full of football players and he was hugging him?!

Merlin was about to protest when Arthur lifted him up from where he stood causing an awful lot of his mates to fall from the couch. They seemed hysterical and Arthur asked them if they wanted to burry them alive, "go to the bottom yourself and see how fun it is!". He had let go of Merlin just in time for it to seem just normal helping someone up from a (normal?) pile of humans. "You mean we are burying Merlin alive?" Someone commented and suddenly Merlin found himself from the top of the pile, sitting on someones stomach trying to hold his balance by hanging on someones feet. Arthur was pushed back to the bottom and someone pulled Gwen to the pile. The pile swayed and changed its form every second and Merlin actually found himself next to Gwen and they both giggled and held onto each others for support. It was childish fun and Merlin found himself enjoying it enormously. He had needed this.

When it was close to midnight, Merlin hugged Gwen one last time and wished her happy birthday and good luck with Lance. Gwen took one of her hair flowers of and pinned it to Merlin pocket. Merlin smiled at her and he felt that this was a person dear to him. He waved at Lance and then he and Arthur left. When they sat in the car, Arthur took the flower off from Merlins pocket and put it in Merlins hair behind his ear. "Now, better." He said and started the car. "I didn't know you were into these kind of things." Merlin commented fluttering his eyelashes at him. Arthur almost drove to a three at that and Merlin laughed at his reaction so hard that he had to hold his sides.

Arthur had to collect himself for a second. Had Merlin just flirted with him? That was certainly unusual. Merlin was so happy and he felt so carefree that it didn't even bother him to lean onto Arthur and say in a girly voice "So you like my flower? It's pretty isn't it?" Arthur pushed him back to his own side with "Merlin!" and Merlin just laughed. Still, he didn't take the flower off and Arthur noticed that. "I don't really- I like you the way you are better…" He finally mumbled keeping his eyes on the road. He didn't want Merlin to think on any level that he would like him better in a dress. Arthur shuddered, that just wasn't his thing. Merlin looked a bit surprised and stored the words into his heart even though his mind told him that he would change a lot of things about himself that Arthur didn't even know existed.

It was just past midnight when they drove home and Hunith was in the kitchen waiting for them. She smiled at them and didn't say anything it being ten minutes past. Hunith told them that Uther had stayed behind to make some sort of deal with his client and that he would stay in a hotel because he had an early meeting. Merlin couldn't think any more perfect way to end this day and he felt light when he was getting upstairs after telling some details of the party to his mother and wishing her good night. He had even told her about the sparkling wine and while Arthur had been ready to face palm when he had realised what Merlin was doing, Hunit hadn't seemed to mind. She understood that a botle of wine divided to twenty-something people was harmless. And when she just asked if they had liked the taste, Arthur could also tell that he had liked it. It felt weird, Arthur had never been able to share something like this with his father and sitting in their kitchen at midnight listening how Merlin told how he would want some for his 18th birthday and Hunith commenting on how she remembered having some rose sparkling wine in one very nice restaurant and how Merlin could maybe like that one, Arthur felt warm and somehow very excited. Maybe a little bit free. He had done something that was normaly very much not allowed and now he could talk about it with his ... family... like it had been a fun little adventure.

When Arthur had closed his door after Hunith had told them in a playful tone that she at least needed to sleep, it was quarted past one. Arthur couldn't remember when he had last time stayed awake so late. Nor when he had talked like that with his father this long. Or if he ever had. The morning after his 15th birthday seemed to be the closest thing Arthur could think of. It felt a little bit sad thinking it like that, but Arthur couldn't really feel bad today. His evening had been perfect. But there was an old hurt rising its head inside of him and on a moments impulse, Arthur took out his cell and sent a text to his sister. She was the one Arthur had had these moments when they had been little. when their father had been away at nights, they had howled inside Morganas room and they had goofed around, stayed up too late at times, wrestled around the room (Morgana used to always win before Arthur gained some muscle from playing football) and sometimes Morgana reading Arthur stories. Once they had loaned a horror movie from one of Morgana's older friends and they had been unable to sleep for most of the night.

Still Arthur didn't hold too much hope of getting a reply. He wasn't actually sure if Morgana still had this number at all. It had always been out of service when Arthur had tried to call her. Arthur wondered where and what she was doing nowadays. Maybe he could ask his father? No... his mood always turned sour when Morgana was mentioned and it was bad enough as it was after what happened with Lance and he wasn't pleased about Arthur's team losing matches. Apparently one of the players in the opposing team of the last match was a son of some business partner and he had rubbed the victory all over Uther's face... Arthur would never understand this side of competive sprots.

After shower Arthur still felt lighter than in weeks and happier that he thought he deserved. Thoughts of what he should do on mondays practice was however seeping in to his mind but he decided that he was not going to think those right now. He could almost hear Merlin's voice in his head telling him to stop being such a worry wrat, more pondering in the middle of the night and he would explode and what good did an exploded captain do for his team? Arthur chuckled at the thought and he made a decision. He would stop worrying so much and he would get the team to funktion on his own way. He would stop trying to be himself plus Lance and he definitely would not give a second thought of what the new coach wanted. He could do that, right? Right now he felt that he had the courage to at least try. His mind already ried to form a new plan and he felt excited and like now he was not just trying to survive, but he had a real direction.

But soon he also noted that it was late and he had no way of doing what he needed right now (Arthur always formed plans better if he tested moves or even just kicked ball around while thinking) and he didn't want to start doing useless loops right now, so he made another decision. He rose up, put a shirt on and made his way to Merlin's door.

Merlin had just finnished his long and blisfully warm shower and was just changing to a pyjama when Arthur knocked his door. He pulled his shirt on quickly before answering the door. Arthur was standing in now dark corridor looking a bit unsure. "Well, father is out so I was wondering if you would like to sleep in my room tonight?" In any other night Merlin would have done differently but now he was just happy. He nodded and took his blanket and pillow and followed Arthur to his room.

Normally if he had come even this far he would have gone straight to the couch but not today. He jumped to Arthurs bed and made himself comfortable. "Hey!" Arthur was surprised and sounded scandalized but his heart raced like crazy. "You can sleep on the couch. You invited me here so I get to choose." Merlin just said and closed his eyes. He wasn't sure if he could hold his poker face if Arthur asked him anything even remotely seriously, like why did he want to sleep in his bed but luckily Arthur felt the same. "Well, I'm not sleeping on a couch. I'm not you." With that he rolled Merlin to the another side of the bed and lied next to him. Merlin was completely rolled to his blanket so Merlin didn't feel too exposed and feeling the bed move with Arthur trying to have a better position and feeling the heat radiating from him felt so good…

Soon Arthur settled down and Merlin still kept his eyes closed, his back turned to Arthur. He didn't want to brake this moment. Arthur also remained quiet but soon Merlin heard movement again. "You are too far away…" Arthur mumbled and Merlin felt him pull his blanket and he rolled to his back with the pull. Arthur put his arm under Merlins pillow and settled to his side next to Merlin. Merlin froze for a second but when Arthur closed his own eyes and remained quiet after that, Merlin started to relax.

They both had full pyjamas and blankets and the nearest part of Arthur was his arm under Merlin pillow. Still Merlin felt closer to Arthur than ever before. Still it didn't bother him at all. He had been so sure that after what he had gone trough with Uther he would be unable to be like this ever. Bed had become something that reminded him of pain and humiliation but while he was lying here next to Arthur, it was different. The bed felt soft and he felt like he had control in this situation. If he wanted he could push Arthurs hand away. If he wanted he could go to the couch or to his own room. And Arthur would let him go. Merlin was sure of that.

That thought made Merlin relax even further and he snuggled a bit closer to Arthur. He could see every eyelash and every hair on Arthurs head. He was that close and he could just enjoy it while Arthurs eyes were closed. He smiled and on a moments impulse he kissed Arthurs forehead. Arthurs eyes remained closed but Merlin saw a smile play on his lips. Merlin thought that this must be the most amazing sight he could ever see in his life. He relaxed on his side, his face just centimetres from Arthurs face. When he drifted to sleep he hoped everyday could be like this. He wondered if every day was like this to some people. He hoped they would be for Gwen and Lance.

* * *

A/N So Gwaine is on the move now too and we will see in the next chapter what he will do... The nect chapter is called 'Percival' and it is yours for 15 reviews ;)

Btw I just realised how dirty that sounded when Merlin asked if Arthur likes his flower, but I decided that if it took me this long to get that, neither of them noticed... :P

I still stand by that I have the most awesome reviewers. You really comment in a way that make me think further everything I have already written. I feel that I have bettered this story so much because of you all. Thank you, please keep asking questions, speculating and commenting this story. I really appreciate all of it and you make it possible for me to keep getting better and better.

LordOfTehRainbow Interesting point that you are still getting surpriced by Uther's coldness, it is much like what Merlin is feeling. He knows he should have learned to expect everything, that he should be able by now just to lie down and take it all and just live with it till he can move out. But no, it's not that easy. Some of your questions were answered already in this chapeter, but yes, there will be a court scene. I wanted to do this properly, some friends going to beat the predator to a bulp is not the right thing to do nor will it really help. Violence seldomly is the right answer to violence. Even if it is tempting... I also enjoyed Arthur fithing with his father, for some reason I really like how Arthur is quite calm most of the time and when he finaly snaps (usually in order to protect Merlin or some other of his freinds) it feels so great. Also in the show. Like when Arthur defied Uther's orders to go and get a remedy for Merlin or when he fought with him if Lance could be a knith or not.

Caelanora I have used over half a year to write this fic and I sure as hell wouldn't be able to live without a happy ending either! Thank you for your praise, I think I have learned a lot about spelling and stuff while writing this fic and I'm so happy to hear that there are people out there who have enjoyed this story so far :) And there is still hope for Merlin to get better, as this chapter showed, his spirit is not broken, he is still our Merlin.

8OrangeMatilda8 Yeah, Uther was not this bad in the show... Yes he beheaded innocent people just because they had magic, but he was more like a front of a flawed justice system and he was doing openly what he believed was right and in some aspects he succeeded. And some of the sorcerers _were_ bad, spreading sickness and death. My version of him is making a horrible crime towards an underaged boy, so I would be a bit dissapointed in myself if you had told me that they were equally horrible... ;) And while Lance did make matter worse, Merlin knows that he meant well and the connection they have was not going to brake over this so all in all Lance is doing great and helping Merlin by staying in his life. He is such a delight.

bubzchoc Thank you :)

Skypeoplephoenix732 You really have this whole sub-plot going on don't you? Please keep Uthers phone camera out of the servers of the world until I have finnished this story, you would ruin my plot. :P Hmm... I could try to write something about Gwen's ded... but sorry, I had no idea how to add it to this chapter, but I'll search for a place I could for example add some thoughts from Lance so he could remember it a bit maybe... And yep, Uther is now sailing in the border of really, permanently, physically damaging Merlin and that is horrible but also not wise at all on Uther's part... Even if he thinks he can hide this, how the hell would he hide a strangled body of his step-son?! Idiot...

Guest Yes, finaly! I loved writing that chapter and it was really easy too with the source material :) God the show was great... Anyway, I would hope that every one had someone to tell them that they are alright and every homosexual could feel that there was not even a need to ask if there is something wring with them. That Merlin has Gaius who is like a parent to him is awesome and that Gaius was able to tell Merlin calmly, without doupt and with Merlin's level, not patronicing or pitying, was great. But to be fair, he has been thinking those things trough himself many years ago... And rest assure, Merlin will indeed 'sit down' and tell Gwaine _everything_... eventually. Just wait for it ;)

BluesAvalon 'real-life biography of a traumatic child' Wow. That is such a high compliment, so many thanks! I never would have dreamed to get a comment like this! I am so going to print your comment out and stick it to my calendar so if I have a bad day, I can red it again :) My goal was to make a realistic story that could be related, but I never thought that I would really succeed this being a fanfic and all... So again, thank you. Not only for your review, but believing in me from the start. I still remember that you were my first follower :)

Angel Dove1 Yes, finaly! And even if Lance failed now, this far from over. It just needs the frst one to step up and the others with worries will react too and it is very hard to ignore when you have worries if someone else too is voicing them. Like how Arthur felt when Lance showed up. How unlucky that Hunith wasn't home and I can tell you that Uther, nor Merlin told her about that. And Arthur didn't even think of the posibility, he's used to solve problems himself with a father like Uther... And I had a bit of a tight scedule yesterday and the reviews had just popped up while I was at work, so I had to do the final proof reading in a bus way home, but really I have done most of the work, so I'm happy to update more often if it means that I get this much amazing feed back for my work :)

Cool :) Thank you! I hope you enjoyed this one too!

Thejammysod I'm happy that I was able to portrait Merlins fear well, it was not that easy in english for me... About the social workers... I really appreciate the work they do and they really do a lot and I have tried my best not to portrait them in a bad light even if I can tell you that Merlin will not like them at all... But that has nothing to do with the worker, but Merlin and his fear of Uther, I'm sure you can understand. Thank you for telling me all that, there are some differences in my country I thing. Here social workers (as far as I know) always go in pairs to home visits and they can come unanounced if they want to confirm a filed complaint. It's afcourse different if a family is being visited regularly. I hope that I have written that scene satisfyingly even for you! I'm sure that you know much more than me, so feel free to comment and tell me if I got something wrong, I would appreciate that! :)

Guest My first reaction was litteraly O.o Oh my God what is this? But no appologies, I loved it all! I have never seen that long review and if you have more, please write! I would love to hear more from you :) You had some very interesting speculations and you know, that is the exact same way I worked when I created the plot for this. Like if they did this and then they went there and how would these people react and what would have to happen then and eventually I found the plot as it is now. I hope that you will like the rest of it. Unfortunately Uther was not that stupid that he would rape Merlin before a party with Arthur home and all... He would have waited till Merlin got home but today he had work... so we are still waiting. And yes Arthur is dense. I took most of it from the show, but now that you mentioned it, yes, he should have thought of his father hitting Merlin... But actually... _I_ hadn't thought about that :P Ups... But he has seen his father rise his fist only once and then Uther and Morgana had been practically screaming to each others for God knows how long and it's kind of hard to imagine Merlin in that excact same situation so... But yeah Arthur is dense. About merlin getting hospitalised... I thought it hard and long, but Uther wouldn't put him into hospital, he knows what is at stake and that is the exact reason why he keeps hiiting Merlin in the middle torso area. The only thing that he really doesn't take seriously enough, is Merlins weight. If he was to collapse in front of Hunith, Arthur or anyone in the school, he would be sent straight to hospital. Uther kind of trusts (falsely) that Arthur would cover those kind of things up though... And Merlin (not falsely) doctor or nurse would really be alarmed about Merlins health, but right now there would not be much evidence of a rape I'm afraid, but about

mersan123 Hi! Nice to 'see' you again! :) I was kind of lonely when you didn't review the last chapter... I was so happy to see a new review from you :) And yes, that house is horrible place and it would be logical to run away, but at that age, or in any age actually, it's hardly an option to run away from everything one knows. When someone is in that horrible situation, they can't really see that the life outside of what they know would be better. Merlin too, he thinks that whoever he would tell that he is homosexual, they would most likely treat him with the same disgust than Uther or laugh at him and if he ever told someone about the abuse, they would think that it was Merlin's fault. Uther has damaged much more than just taken Merlin's virginity or hurt him physicaly. But yes, he is strong and way stronger than I would have ever been in that kind of situation. Uther will be furious, that much is clear, but the social service is trained to help and even if they make mistakes like everyone, let's see what they can do for Merlin :)

MillaMaxwell12 So close yes, but only we know that. Merlin feels that he is hiding himself bretty well and that he has covered up his blunder and to Arthur and Hunith it feels that they don't understand Merlin but they want to so much... But there are too many pieces missing. But soon... I promise you soon. :)

Funce Hey! Thank you so much for those corrections, those kind of words are very hard for me, but I'll stick that list on the side of my computer and I'll try to pay extra attention to them :) I'm also usually skeptical of AU fics so I kind of surpriced myself when I decided to start one myself... I'm super flattered that you think my english is that good and great that you like this story, I'll keep updating! Please if you notice more mistakes, don't hesitate to tell me about them :)

Seline Feline You know Finland excists? Wow :D Where are you from? And that's an interesting hobby you got, if you are interested I can tell you a thing or two about finnish language. First being that we don't actually have a letter 'c'. It's only in words that are borrowed like 'celsius'. Letter 'c' is a pain in the ass when playing scrable... we rarely also use 'g' in the begining of a word. I can only think of borrowed words for that either... Uther is really not as careful as he was in the start and his violence has also been escalating and he really doesn't take Merlin's health into consideration... Horrible, horrible man. And we are close, I can tell you that :)


	27. Chapter 27 - Percival

In the morning Merlin woke up in an unfamiliar environment and on top of that, in a bed. For a moment he couldn't recognise his surroundings and he panicked. He had no idea of where, when or even who he was. He saw a sleeping form next to him and his breathing stopped. But somehow he felt that this man next to him was safe, even before he could identify him as Arthur. The name popped from the haze of panic into his mind and he repeated it few times to himself while he slowly remembered where he was. He was sleeping in Arthur's bed. With Arthur and nothing bad had happened. He breathed in and out few times and was now glad that he hadn't screamed.

Arthur was laying on his back his blanket pushed aside. He looked handsome and Merlin had rarely seen Arthur like this. Relaxed. Especially for last few weeks. Arthur's blanket was half way on its way to the floor and Merlin remembered that usually Arthur slept without a shirt and blushed at the thought of waking up next to a half naked Arthur.

For a while Merlin just stayed still and kept watching, but he didn't dare to touch Arthur in the risk of waking him up and he was too awake to go back to sleep either so he decided to get up. He went to his own room to change and returned to Arthur's to read. He made himself comfortable on the couch and waited for Arthur to wake up. He could have gone to eat breakfast but he didn't want to just yet. He wanted to be near Arthur.

When Arthur woke up, he was sorry to find Merlin gone. He had hoped to cuddle with him in the morning, maybe even ask Merlin if he felt the same way he did if the atmosphere was right, but his disappointment soon melted when he saw Merlin reading on the couch. "Morning." He greeted and Merlin replied him equally pausing his reading. The morning light was coming from behind Merlin and it made him look beautiful in a way that felt almost unreal. Arthur imagined them living together, in a single room apartment where he could see Merlin like this every morning. He fell back to his bed and covered himself with his blanket. 'That would be lovely…' He thought.

Too soon Arthur heard Merlin move and tell him he wanted breakfast. Arthur was feeling stubborn so he said without thinking "Only if I get my good morning kiss." He stayed on his back, his eyes closed. He was partly waiting Merlin to just roll his eyes and walk out of the room, but then he felt a pull on his blanket where Merlin leaned to bend over Arthur and Merlin kissed him softly on the lips. Arthur felt a switch go on. He wanted Merlin. Right now. He wanted him so much. He wanted to pull him back to the bed with him and kiss him and hug him and take his clothes off and…

Luckily Merlin moved away before Arthur had a chance to do anything. Merlin walked out of the room telling him he would take the book to his room and wait him downstairs. Arthur couldn't even reply as he tried to make his coherent thinking work again. He was painfully aware that if Merlin had lingered he would have pushed him down without thinking. He breathed in and out a couple of times and looked under the blanket to see, yes, a healthy erection. Unbelievable.

Arthur knew he had to move quickly so Merlin wouldn't have to wait but his limbs felt heavy like he had momentarily forgotten how to move them. And still in the end he had to wait his erection to settle down before he could face Merlin. He would have to be more careful in the future. He did know how Merlin froze every time he even put his hand on his shoulder and he remembered how troubled Merlin had looked when they had kissed that one night with tongue… He didn't even want to think what would happen if he pushed Merlin to bed and started to take his clothes off…

'Self-control, Arthur, self-control!' He shook his head and made his way downstairs. Merlin was there with Hunith and she had made some pancakes. Arthur smiled. All in all, this was one of the best weekends of his life.

* * *

Gwaine was out. It felt like forever he had closed his store in any other day than sunday and the city looked very different in the middle of the week. He had his best hoodlum clothes on. An old button up shirt, sleeves rolled up loosely, an oversized vest he had left open, baggy gray pants and a hat that would make any hipster feel ashamed of their life. He also had some leather bands on his wrists and some chains on his neck. He was unshaven, as always.

He walked to the city's main police station his hands in his pockets which he knew annoyed the hell out of the security guards. The station was in a walking distance from his store but the area was completely different. Here were big streets and noisy public transportation and too much population in Gwaine's opinion. But there were some really great pubs too.

He walked straight inside and stopped by the elevators when an angry security guard asked him to show his ID or state his business. He showed him his ID and the guard let him pass surprised. Gwaine saluted him and smirked and continued his way. He took an elevator up shoving an electronic key to the reader next to the buttons and pressed seventh floor. When he walked out of the elevator, he saw many familiar faces. Some greeted him with a wave and some with a roll of their eyes. Gwaine grinned to all of them.

"Your father isn't here right now…" someone informed him. Gwaine smiled at that and replied "All the better for me." "You in some kind of trouble again?" Gwaine laughed at that "Aren't I always?" This earned him some laughs and few more eye rolls. Gwaine smirked at his success. He was searching someone and he frowned when that someone wasn't where he was supposed to be. "Hey, where is Percy?" He asked not from anyone in particularly "His desk was moved over there, he's working with Andersson now." he was informed and Gwaine turned on his heels and made his way to a corner he knew Andersson had worked for years. One could tell from his movements, that he knew this more piled-up-where-ever-there-was-space than organised office, by heart.

Gwaine finally found the desk he was searching for. It wasn't that hard really. The person he was looking for was easily the tallest in the whole building. "Hello, Percy." He greeted his closest friend. Percy turned to look at him and remained expressionless, but took a pose that translated to Gwaine 'nice to see you, I didn't expect you today, what did you do to your shop? Please don't tell me you need a favour.' "I'm closed for today. I need to ask for a favour…" Percy rose his eyebrows at him "I do hope I don't have to convince anyone that you didn't do whatever it was you did this time…"

Gwaine laughed at that. Percy had done that many times in the past Gwaine's favourite being when Percy had been needed to convince their neighbour that Gwaine hadn't drove over her dog. That had been years ago and it had actually been quite an easy case to prove because Gwaine didn't have car or license at the time and Percy knew full well that he had been sleeping on their couch passed out. Still the way Percy made it sound to anyone who asked, was that he had once lifted a murder case from Gwaine's shoulders and Gwaine liked the story better that way.

"No, not this time." His tone was light but Percy had known him long enough and Gwaine saw him get a bit more serious. "I want to know a bit more about one of my regular customers." Percy glanced at him in a way that translated to Gwaine 'If it's a woman you are on your own.' "His name is Merlin and he has a step-brother called Arthur. Arthur's father is named Uther and Merlin's mother is named Hunith. They are married."

Percy just looked at him in the eye for a moment. "You know this is not exactly by the book…" "I know." Percy sighed. He knew that tone. Gwaine was worried of the kid. Percy trusted Gwaine's gut more than he cared to admit to anyone other than Gwaine so he opened the personal data register. Without surname it was bit more difficult but with names so uncommon and Gwaine's good memory for names, Percy found the info he was looking for fairly quick. "Uther Pendragon and Hunith Pendragon, two underaged boys, Merlin and Arthur. I think we found our match."

Gwaine beamed at Percy and leaned over to look at the computer screen. "Let's see… live in a better area than good… not even a parking ticket for past eight years or so… both boys seem to go to your old school…" Gwaine grimaced. "Well that enough reason to get worried…" Percy gave him half a smile for his comment. "I don't see anything here that should raise any suspicions. It's a rich family, you sure it's not just some pressure you are seeing?" Gwaine shook his head. "I don't know what it is, really, but something is not right…" Percy looked again at his computer but there really was nothing he could do. There wasn't any usual leads to follow like poverty or past violations. That was usually the case when Gwaine gave him something.

"Oh! What's that?" Gwaine made a sudden sound and Percy looked at the screen surprised. Gwaine used this to lean in and he clicked Merlin's address open. Gwaine had a good memory for words and he quickly made himself a memory path to recall the address before one pissed off Percy closed the window and pushed him away. "You are impossible… if your father finds out…"

"He will blame me and thank you for putting up with me." Gwaine smirked at him. "Hey, I'm free today so what do you say? When does your shift end? Wanna go out with me?" He said with a wink.

Percy shook his head like someone long suffering. "Just say you want a drink. I have enough on my plate without you spreading rumors." Gwaine smirked at him. "And what would be the fun in that?" They had once gotten themselves in a pretty hilarious situation (in Gwaine's opinion) where some drunk idiot had mistaken them as a couple (which they were not and never had or would be, thank you very much) and started to yell at them. At that point Gwaine had done nothing but provoked him but when the idiot had gotten aggressive, Percy had just stood up effectively silencing everyone even remotely interested of the situation nearby. After that Gwaine had provoked every single annoying character in his sight much to Percy's agony.

Eventually Gwaine promised to his friend that there would be no trouble today and agreed to meet him in their regular place nearby at five. "So long, you tireless defenders of law, please come by and buy some sandwiches again, I promise to have some ham in store tomorrow!" He addressed the office as he walked to the elevator. Some waved at him and some laughed. Even when some didn't like him so much, they were kind of used to him and mostly just minded their own business when he was around and just took him as entertainment value.

While waiting Percy's shift to end, Gwaine went to visit a market place and a market hall nearby to place some orders for the next week. His store opened at nine and he would get the ingredients at eight every day, as usual. He closed at eight and then he cleaned his store and headed to his home upstairs about half past if he had been able to start cleaning before eight. He gave an appearance but he actually worked hard. Those close to him knew that and he didn't mind if those who didn't know him or didn't care to know him thought him lazy or unreliable or annoying. He still had a steady pace of customers with many regulars and he enjoyed his work. This was his life now and he was happy with it. Now, if he could make a difference in Merlin's life, then it would be perfect.

Gwaine was good at reading people. He knew when someone was being sincere and he did notice when people needed support or help and he knew how to give it to then. Was it a lonely old lady or a shy adolescent needing support. Once he had thought that he could really make a good police officer. But his father was a chief in charge and Gwaine had grown up as his son. He had rebelled and hated it and that was the main reason why he couldn't have followed the path laid for him.

He sighed. Somehow he felt that there wasn't enough good officers around. He had seen from too close how the system could work (or not) and he had seen all the elite school world and government parties with pompous idiots telling what they thought was best in the big scale. He had always hated it. He liked to work for people. He liked to remember names and faces and his highlights of his career where when an old lonely lady came everyday just to buy something small and say hello or when a child came to buy as much candy as they could possibly get with the little money they had. When he saw life in all of its forms.

But sometimes he saw someone like Merlin. There was something off. And Gwaine just couldn't leave it be. He himself didn't have any authority so he found himself back at his father's lair. Percy was his ally. Sometimes he wondered if there was something he could do to combine the work of a police and his store, but it was next to impossible. He had his own (very strong) moral code he followed. So what if Merlin was under age, many teenagers drank, but he wanted to know what was causing the problem if there was one. The drinking would end if the problem was fixed or just eventually when the teenage party -stage ended. Of course if Merlin would drink too much and become addicted or if he ruined his liver or eyesight with something too strong or illegally made, it would be another story. But that was precisely why Gwaine wanted to sell to Merlin. If he only got the alcohol from him, he could control it and be sure that didn't happen. No questions asked until Merlin was ready to talk. Or when Gwaine got too worried and went to see Percy for some extra help.

After chatting with all the regular sellers he did his business with and answering at least two hundred times how come he was there this late even if he had called them all two days ago to cancel today's delivery, it was almost four o'clock so Gwaine decided to have a lunch now and meet Percy afterwards. He wanted to talk to him about Merlin and Arthur. He did have his own moral code but it didn't hurt to check with Percy from time to time.

* * *

Merlin had been ok this week. Arthur had again been very occupied starting from monday and if something was good about that it was that it took some attention off from Merlin. Hunith had fussed around Arthur trying to make him relax and Merlin could see that Arthur appreciated it even if he was too far gone with his planning and training to really do what Hunith told him to. His new style was working and he was slowly drawing results from his team again. Arthur had somehow connected with Hunith lately but his father was another story. He still didn't talk with his father if it wasn't absolutely necessary and he was so overly polite and proper that Merlin had to wonder how come Uther didn't think it as rude. Merlin surely would have been offended if Arthur did that to him...

Merlin too had tried his best to help Arthur to plan his practices and they had spend a lot of time together. Mostly just normal, not romantic kind of hanging out and playing so much football and getting through so many exercises that Merlin saw footballs even in his dreams, but that was alright. Merlin would choose footballs over Uther raping him any time. Merlin had also studied all the paperwork Lance had done and he was determined to give at least some of it a try. Maybe if he could help Arthur to get all the tools he was used to having, it would help.

Uther had been even-tempered. It seemed that he was finally letting go of Arthur's 'failure' and put what happened with Lance behind him. He had touched Merlin and made him suck him off but nothing too hardcore lately and Merlin hoped that things would stay as they were as long as possible. But of course something happened. There always had to be something.

The whole family was having dinner when the doorbell rang. Merlin didn't pay much attention to it and continued eating his mushroom spaghetti. The cook who was currently cleaning the kitchen moved to open the door. She was away just for a moment when she came back running and addressed Uther wide eyed "There are some social workers who would like to speak with you…" Uther stopped in the middle of his eating and all of them became quiet. Merlin had a suspicion that it had something to do with him and he didn't like that one bit.

Uther got up slowly and told the cook to let them in the living room. She almost skipped off to do just that. Merlin got the feeling that she was more after juicy gossips than the credit of being effective. Uther moved towards the living room with much slower pace and Hunith followed him quickly worry so clearly plastered on her face that Merlin wanted to stab himself with a fork. He was so fed up with his mother worrying all the time. Merlin looked at Arthur and he just looked confused. They let their cutlery down silently but didn't move. It would be better to wait and see what would happen.

Uther sat down alongside of his wife and the social workers sat across the table. Uther offered them coffee and they politely took the offer. When they all had coffee in front of them, Merlin heard one of them speak. "We have been informed a worrying cause in this family. I want you to understand that we have to see to every call we receive so there is nothing personal." She took a pause and continued "We have been informed of a…" she made a pause like reading something before continuing "'poor physical condition and possible undernourishment of a boy named Merlin', is he present at the moment?" Merlin felt like he had swallowed a spoon, vertically. Arthur looked at him and they didn't have to think two seconds to realise who had made the report.

"Merlin, could you come here for a moment?" Uther's voice made Merlin feel like the vertical spoon was coming up even if Uther did sound calm. He looked at Arthur to get some comfort. Arthur looked at him in a way that told Merlin that he would go instead if he could. Merlin was thankful of that, but he never would want Arthur in his position so he stood up.

Merlin walked into the living room like in a dream. It felt unreal. He sat next to his mother and the social worker who had talked first addressed him. "Hello, you must be Merlin. My name is Finna and this is my colleague, nice to meet you." If Merlin had been objective, he would have thought that she seemed nice. Finna was an older woman, maybe in her fifties, she was a bit plump, brown haired with a hint of grey here and there and she had an obvious fascination on handicrafts judging by the amount of her handmade accessories. At least she should have been categorised as harmless, but to Merlin she seemed like a threat. Someone who could break his very fragile balance and ruin everything. To Merlin, she seemed scary.

"Nice to meet you too…" Merlin managed to reply hiding himself behind common politeness. "As I already told your parents, we are here for you. First of all, we would like to talk with you in private, would it be alright if we used your room?" Finna smiled at him warmly and Merlin knew that she was trying to make him comfortable. Well she could try all she wanted, but Merlin was sure it wouldn't work. Still he would have to seem that it was, so she wouldn't suspect anything.

"Yeah, sure… " Merlin dared to glance at his mother who looked worried, but she seemed to trust these people. That helped a bit actually. Uther Merlin couldn't even look at, but he knew that he was looking at Merlin.

When Merlin stood up and started to walk towards the stairs, Merlin could see Arthur staring at him worry written all over his face. 'Oh, God, not him too…' Merlin thought while he tore his gaze away from Arthur and concentrated on walking the stairs. When he reached the second floor, Merlin suddenly knew that he didn't want these people in his room. Not anyone actually, but especially these two women whose work was to snoop in other people's lives. In a moment's impulse Merlin opened Arthur's door and made a gesture for Finna and the other, much younger woman to step in.

After Merlin had closed the door to make sure no-one could hear them, he made another gesture for the woman to sit on Arthur's couch while he himself went to sit by Arthur's desk. That felt far enough.

"I believe I have yet to be introduced, my name is Tilly." The younger woman introduced herself. She was thin and her hair was braided loosely starting from her forehead and circling around her head to the other side. She was dressed in different tones of grey and green and she seemed stylish in a nature loving and carefree way. All Merlin could think of her was that she had fake blond hair, she was sitting on Arthur's couch and the way she continued to smile kindly at him was annoying.

"Merlin, do you know why we are here?" She continued and Merlin wanted to scream in frustration. Of course he knew why they were here! He was too thin and blah, blah, blah. Why did everyone have to pick on him on this detail? It wasn't like he could do anything about it anyway. "I guess you are here because you think that I'm too thin." He said with a tense and a bit tired tone on purpose. He couldn't think that these people would be anything else but predictable.

Tilly nodded approvingly as if she was interested of what Merlin had to say. "Can you tell me why you think that?" she continued. Oh God wasn't it obvious? "Because everyone seems to think that way. My mother, Ar- my brother, my school…" Tilly again nodded and wrote something down. Suddenly Merlin felt a wave of new fear. What he said would be written down and analysed later. What if he slipped? Or if he made it sound that it was his mother's fault that he was thin? Or if he insulted this household or the food he was served? Uther would surely punish him if he even suspected that Merlin had made his family or him seem bad…

"What do you feel yourself?" Tilly continued and Merlin felt it highly unnerving that she kept asking his opinion. Couldn't she just go and ask what Uther thought? That was what mattered anyway. "Uh, I am thin… but it's not like I don't get to eat, we have very good food here and even if I'm vegetarian, our cook makes me special meals every day so I get enough protein…" Merlin started realising in the middle that it might not have been wise to mention he was a vegetarian "and umm, my mother has made me eat fish again because I'm growing so fast and all so now I eat fish once every day…" ok, now Merlin knew he was rambling and he really tried to find a way to stop talking before he said something stupid. "and I have tried to exercise more lately, but I'm just growing too fast I think…" Ok, that shouldn't be wrong answer, right?

"I have been told that you have often been tired in the past, could you tell me more about that?" was the next question and now Merlin was sure it had been Lance who had made the call. He felt a small spark of anger towards the man. Why couldn't he just leave Merlin alone already? Hadn't he caused enough harm to both himself and Merlin? "Yes. I have been tired at school from time to time. I have been led to believe that it is not so uncommon." There it was again, the mean sarcasm that he used to shield himself from others. The next step would be to get angry and defensive and then he would snap. It was very tempting to do just that, but Merlin knew he would have to fight that.

"Could you tell me more about the last time that happened?" Tilly was still calm and sounded kind and Merlin had to just bite all the frustration down. For some reason her kind smile was really starting to annoy him "It must have been… just at the end of the school year. We had a ton of tests and I left most of the reading till the last minute so I stayed up too late. A teacher scolded me for falling asleep in a middle of class, but maybe she was worried." Merlin tried to stick to the storyline he had picked. It wasn't like they would know when he had read to his tests and even if Lance had told them of his lack of strength during the summer, it would be better to act like that had felt so insignificant that it had slipped his mind.

"How about during the summer, have you ever been tired or felt dizzy during summer?" So Lance had told them. "Oh, maybe once or twice, my mother tells me to sleep earlier but I like to stay awake late…" the lies were starting to roll easier and Merlin felt he could control this situation. The thought of Uther surely finding out what he was telling these people was nagging in the back of his head and the alarmingly observant eyes of Finna made him nervous, but he knew that he could do this.

The rest of the questions went by much easier and Merlin made sure to make a small compliment about the food in this house or his mother or even Uther now and then. It felt like he was dancing while Uther played and while it was not a pleasant feeling, it wasn't even that far from the truth.

Eventually it seemed that Tilly had asked all she needed and she asked him finally if there was anything at all he would want to talk about now, or later. Merlin told them that no, he had everything under control. That must have been the biggest lie he had ever told.

When they stood up and they had both shaken his hand, Merlin was sure that he would get rid of them right now, but then Finna, who had been quiet the whole time, spoke "Take this. It's my office number and you can call me during opening hours. If I'm not there, just tell them your name and I'll call back to you. Just in case you feel you have any kind of question." Merlin looked at her outstretched hand and the card she was offering like it would bite. He had no way of refusing it politely, but what would Uther do if he found that from Merlin? "Umm, thanks." He still managed and took the card.

The second Merlin walked next to the railing so he could see downstairs, he saw his mother's worried expression. Maybe, just maybe he had been convincing enough and the social workers would be able to make his mother relax. Merlin wished so much that would be the case. While Merlin tried to recall everything he had said he heard Finna ask if they could talk with Hunith and Uther in private. When Merlin saw them all disappear to the direction of the master bedroom, Merlin felt that it was the most frightening kind of helplessness he had ever felt. The moment the door closed behind them, Arthur walked in Merlin's view from the dining room. Merlin really couldn't take him right now so he turned on his heels in a way that he knew made Arthur unable to follow him and closed himself inside his own room fighting the urge to lock the door behind him.

The room was empty and cold and Merlin gave a brief thought of how it would have seemed to the social workers. He was glad that he had taken them to Arthur's room that was much warmer and held in so much more life and so much less fear than his own room. He wanted to drink one of his beers or preferably two so badly, but he knew he couldn't. In the end he curled to the end of his couch and tried to think blank. He couldn't afford to dwell right now. He would have all the time after Uther had raped him and he could hide into his closet. Until that Merlin would pretend.

It felt like forever and no time at all before Hunith came knocking on his door and Merlin had to force a relaxed smile on his face.

* * *

Gwaine had already ordered and paid for two beers when Percy walked in. Gwaine knew exactly what he liked so Percy didn't even ask what he got before taking a sip. "So what you got?" Percy had always been the one to cut the chase and Gwaine had been the one to beat the bush first. Gwaine smirked at him "Nice to see you too. I have been doing well and my shop is fine. How was your day?" Percy rolled his eyes briefly but let Gwaine remain in his comfort zone. For now.

"A God awful day of dealing with idiots who thought it would be funny to brake in their old school building and draw vaginas on every black board they could find. It wouldn't even have been my problem if they hadn't beat up the security guard who was unfortunate enough to find them. If the only other option wasn't to make sandwiches to these idiots, I would have quit too." Gwaine grinned at him. "At least I don't have to take responsibly of them." Percy gave him half a smile. "We have had this conversation before, what's in your mind?" Gwaine took a long sip of his beer. So long that he had to wave a waitress to bring him another one.

"What makes two people brothers?" He asked Percy while he paid for the new beer. Percy looked at him in the way that he knew that Gwaine had some sort of purpose but hell if he knew what. "I don't know. Maybe it's the growing up together and being similar in a way that can't be changed? Like Pellinors? They all do different things, look different but if you ask something they all answer the same way and then blame each other of copying?" Gwaine nodded. Pelinors had been a joke of the station for a long time. They all did different jobs. One was an officer, one was secretary, one was in the post while studying law and one was security guard and if you asked any of them, their job was the most important one out there, but if you got them together and asked who wanted thing x, either all of them would rise their hands or none would. Funny little Pelinors, Gwaine ran out off spicy turkey every time they came (all in different times every Wednesday). There was still one Pelinor left, he

was still in school and there was a bet going on about his career choice.

"But what about if you live together when you are still growing? Like if your parents marry…" Percy didn't have use many braincells to figure out that Gwaine was talking about that Merlin kid and his half brother. "I'd like to remind you that we lived together for five years while your mental state was closer to a toddler than your real age and I sure as hell am not you brother." Gwaine laughed heartily and took a long sip from his beer before he went silent. How he ever managed to run a store that sold alcohol was beyond Percy's understanding.

It took a long while for Gwaine to think but Percy was used to this and their silence was comfortable. "You are right." Gwaine said finally "From the two of us, that's usually the case." Percy replied calmly finishing his first beer. The biggest reason why he always ended up to be the one to drag Gwaine home dunk was that he drank slower. The second was that he was bigger and alcohol didn't really affect him so much. Gwaine drowned his second beer "Ok, ok… It's just that I have to figure this out and I don't trust my morale always." Percy knew full well that he was the only one who Gwaine would ever admit this. Gwaine was stubborn by nature.

Percy smiled at him a bit "That's why I'm here." He ordered his second beer "I hope you are paying the next round." Gwaine glared at him but when the waiter came he paid without a comment. "Don't get used to it." He just said and Percy smiled a bit wider "Don't you get used to use my password to find your client's home addresses." Gwaine snorted at him and Percy smiled even wider. Gwaine was the only person who could get him to do that. They had known each others for a long time now. From the days in the police academy when Percy had wanted to get best grades possible and Gwaine had wanted to rebel towards everything. They had hated each others immediately. Percy knew one wouldn't meet such friends many times in lifetime.

* * *

Hunith was quite sure that her husband was trying to tell her something, but she couldn't concentrate right now. Someone had gotten worried of Merlin's weight. Someone else besides herself. Hunith thought of all the times she had felt worried and voiced her concern. This had been going on for too long. Way too long and she now felt that it was her fault, she had let Merlin of the hook for far too many times deciding to trust on his word over what she had felt deep down. That had been a mistake, she was sure of that. Even if Merlin had always been smart and mature, he was still just a teenager and Hunith should have pressed more on the subjects she had found worrying from the start. If just so she and Merlin could now have a more open relationship. She felt like she had failed in the single most important task she had been given in this life. Raising Merlin and being there for him.

When she saw Merlin and the social workers, she felt ashamed of herself. Maybe the social workers would look at her and they would think that she was a failure. Maybe Merlin would think that too. The thought hurt so badly and she wanted to go to Merlin, but right now there was no other option than to follow her husband to their bedroom.

The questions were a blur for Hunith and she let Uther answer to most of them. Many of them were very easy to answer after all. Like how often Merlin exercised or if he ate in every meal. Only when Tilly asked if Merlin's behaviour had changed lately and Uther answered that apart stopping to eat meat there was nothing, she had to cut in. "He has changed… a lot. After we moved here, he was like had normally been, but then he started to change. I thought that it was only that he was not a child anymore, but sometimes I feel like I don't know him any more…" It hurt to admit that, but if these people could help her, she would swallow her pride and do whatever it would take to make things better for her son.

Tilly now directed her questions to Hunith and she tried to answer them the best way she could, but at some point Uther cut in the middle. He was firm on that Merlin was alright. That he just had this phase where it was not that easy to talk to his mother and he was a bit difficult at times and very stubborn when he decided on something, but that he was fine and that they could handle him as a family. Something rang wrong in that for Hunith and she suddenly wished that Uther wasn't here at all. She needed to make her and her son's relationship work again and it wasn't enough that Uther thought that he and Merlin were doing fine. And if anything, Merlin had never been difficult. That didn't sit well with Hunith at all.

She was about to open her mouth to tell that, but then she felt Uther's hand on top of hers. Somehow it didn't feel comforting. More like Uther was telling her not to embarrass him or herself. That didn't feel right either and before she could snap out of that thought, Uther was showing Tilly and Finna out of the room and to the front door.

Hunith would have ran after them if on the way Finna hadn't given her contact info. Hunith took it like the most valuable thing in the world. She would call to her the minute she was alone. Maybe she would even pretend to go to work earlier. That thought certainly was not healthy and Hunith knew that. Maybe she would have to give thought to this all. Not just Merlin's weight, but if he was happy here. If she herself was really happy herself. If she ever would have to choose between Merlin's happiness and being married, she had no doubt what her choice would be.

After placing the card Finna had given her safely to her night table, she made her way to Merlin's room. They had a lot to talk.

* * *

Merlin spend most of the night trying to forget the social workers. If he didn't think about them, he could concentrate on his mother and talk with her and joke with her and try and convince her that there was nothing to worry about. He could tell that he wasn't exactly succeeding, but at least he managed to prevent her from asking anything that he would have real trouble explaining.

His tactic was to keep talking. Whenever his mother gave him an easy topic, Merlin kept babbling as long as he could. When his mother asked about the football practises, Merlin kept describing his chores and the weather and the number of players. When she asked if Merlin had talked with Vivian lately, he told her that she had called when she had not been able to come to Gwen's birthday party and kept telling her what Vivian had read and what they had thought of the books in so many details that Merlin was sure it couldn't be interesting to anyone. He even described few books he had read, but he had no idea if Vivian had. He waited every second that his mother would cut the chase and ask something more serious, but it never came. It almost felt like Hunith wanted them to be alone as much as Merlin. Arthur had followed Hunith upstairs immediately and even Uther had made his appearance and they were currently all sitting in Merlin's room making Merlin hyper aware of everything.

When it was time for evening snack, Merlin stated that he was starving and he made a show of eating at least twice he normally ate. After that he could finally retire to his room alone and the first thing he did was to collapse on his couch and yell to his pillow. Of all the things he had to go through in his life! Why, why on earth did he have to deal with noisy, annoyingly smiley women who thought that they could understand him or his life while they couldn't even tell if they were in his room or not! How likely it was for him to have a ton of football stuff stacked to his room? Or him having a football captain's shirt hanging on plain sight?

But after blowing some of his steam, Merlin had a new thought. Actually… they had never said that they were here because they thought that Merlin was too skinny. They had asked if there was something Merlin wanted to tell them, if there was something they could help him with.

Suddenly his mind was going to hundred direction at once. Could they really help him? And how and with what? The thought was opening a whole new possibility in Merlin's life and it was, above all, very scary. It seemed impossible… was there really a way to get help? Was there a way to make Uther stop coming to his room without telling his mother or Arthur? No… even if he didn't have to tell them himself, the social workers would surely tell both Hunith and Uther and that Merlin could never let happen. Oh God, and what if he did tell them, what if they would ask Uther to confirm that and he would show them the pictures and tell those smiling women that Merlin had gotten hard and that he was a faggot and that he had enjoyed it? Would they still help him? And if not, what would Uther do once they had left?

Merlin felt fear swallow him whole and he knew he would never call the number that was still burning in his pocket. He would have to hide it or throw it away and he would have to forget those people and the sooner he did that, the better.

But when Merlin tried to rip the small card in half, he just couldn't. For the first time he had actually seriously thought of asking for help and now he knew he really needed it. He couldn't survive like this, not until he would turn eighteen. He had looked at his life a day at a time just trying to survive thinking of the next time he could see Gaius or drink beer in his closet, but now he felt all the time ahead of him stretch like a endless swamp and he knew that he would never make it alone. He needed something, someone… he needed help.

Why hadn't he asked Tilly or Finna… he didn't know what, but something! Maybe he could have made it sound like he was asking for someone else… like a friend or something… No, that was too cliche, it would never have worked. But Lance had made an anonymous call, maybe there was some place he could do that too… just to ask what would happen in his situation and if they told him what Uther had told him would happen, Merlin could just hang up and never call again. But would Uther know where he had called? That was too dangerous thing to risk. Maybe when school started… but all the computers in the library were positioned so the screens could be seen clearly from the librarian's desk and Merlin had no idea from where else he could find a number for what he was searching for.

In the end Merlin felt so empty, that he had no energy to think anything at all. There was a way out, but he didn't know how to reach it nor what would happen if he took it. Would they take him away from here so he would never see his mother or Arthur anymore? Would they even believe him? But what hit him the hardest of all, was the ever present fear of Uther. Even holding to that card he was never going to use felt like a death wish weighting him down and then there was Arthur. If someone he felt he could trust in this world, it was Arthur and for the first time ever Merlin felt that he might want to tell Arthur about this all. But how could he? How could he ever put Arthur in that position? And then the very familiar loops of how disgusted he would be and how much he would hate Merlin and how hurt he would be started in Merlin's head and it was only so much he could take without crying.

He cried until he realised that it was almost ten and the time Uther would come to his room was probably near. He tried to read then, just to escape his thoughts for just until he could get some alcohol, but in the end he dropped the book and let his head fall to the cold surface of his desk. He was alone in the maze he had built around himself and the only thing he could do was to wait.

* * *

It took until almost midnight before Uther came. Merlin was still sitting behind his desk now pretending to study even if he was quite sure it wouldn't help his case at all. While Uther walked towards him, he jumped up and edged towards his bed. He didn't want to repeat what happened on this desk that one time.

As Merlin had feared, Uther took out some handcuffs, but he didn't approach Merlin. He threw them on the bed instead. Merlin looked at them like they were poisonous. "Take your clothes off." was Uther's command. Merlin obeyed and it didn't even matter to him that much, he was more concerned about the handcuffs. "Go to your bed and put those on." Uther pointed at the handcuffs and Merlin felt a sob pass his lips. This was so humiliating, so disgusting, so everything he didn't want and he had to do it himself.

He sat to his bed and took the handcuffs with shaky fingers. He wasn't really sure what to do exactly. He tried different things with shaky hands and he finally found a way to open them. The metal felt repulsive when it touched Merlin's wrists and when he clicked the first close, he was sure he would vomit soon. He hugged himself, breathing hard. Uther didn't seem to like this delay and pulled the spare on forcefully and passed the free cuff through the railing of Merlin's bed. Merlin fell to the mattress with the pull. It hurt and his skin tightened against the metal. Uther forced his other wrist up and cuffed it as well.

"Who was it that called them?" He asked and Merlin just whimpered. He couldn't say it was Lance for two reasons. One being that Uther would get pissed at Lance and the other that he would get pissed at Merlin. Uther took a hold of his neck and Merlin felt every one of his cells to scream escape. But he was trapped. "I don't know, I don't know!" He almost screamed. "Silence!" Uther told him and squeezed his neck. Merlin quiet down and lied still. like he had learned to do. Merlin saw Uther take the lube from his drawer and he heard the sound that made him nauseous. Soon Uther's fingers were all over the place. The lube didn't go just to his bottom but to his lover back and when Uther made him lift his ass, also to his balls and penis. It felt revolting and strange. Merlin felt himself get hard and he tried to think he was somewhere else. He thought about Gaius' garden and he tried to visualise the patches of sky he saw through the bushes. That was his only comfort.

Uther rode him hard. He didn't prepare Merlin and he didn't mind how his hands tightened in the handcuffs. Merlin's wrists chafed on the hard edges with every thrust. Uther told him how useless he was, how he was causing trouble and how he made his mother miserable. "You dirty whore…" those words rang in Merlin's mind. He couldn't help but think how the social workers would tell him the exact same thing if he called them.

When it was finally over Uther left him handcuffed. "I have seen you get out of those yourself, so do it this time also." He should have left then, but instead he leaned to Merlin's ear and whispered to it "Kiss me." Merlin didn't lift his face and just said "No, I don't want to." At least he still had this. Uther hit him to his side and Merlin let out a small sound. With that he finally left and Merlin was alone.

He waited for a moment before he fished the key from under the mattress. It still fit and Merlin could open the cuffs. Good. It took more energy to break them with his scissors and it hurt more. He hid the cuffs under his mattress and headed for a shower. He felt vomit traveling up when he opened the door to his bathroom and he had to move fast to get to the toilet.

After he had vomited enough times, Merlin crawled to take a shower. He soon found himself from sitting on the floor. He knew his bathroom door was open and some cold air was getting in, but it wasn't the first time and he knew from experience that he wouldn't have energy to rise up and close the door.

He felt again how he had felt for years now. Empty, dirty and strictly tied to the present. The things just had to continue like they had been and day by day he would get through them. From tomorrow he would start to act more convincing and that would have to be enough. There were no other options.

He scrubbed his skin and he tried to clean himself, but it was all in vain. He couldn't get clean how much he wanted or tried to.

* * *

Arthur was so frustrated that it was driving him mad. He had spent the whole night listening Merlin to babble about whatever and half of it Arthur didn't even buy. He remembers when Merlin had called Vivian and he knew that they hadn't talked that long. He knew what Merlin did during the practices and by God he was sure that Merlin wasn't that interested and the way he avoided saying anyone's name or describing them felt weird. Usually Merlin had a description about everyone even if he was rubbish with names. Arthur would have commented, but he knew that today was the day he would have a reason to really demand answers, but he didn't want to do it with Hunith and especially his father in the room, so he had waited.

After watching Merlin stuff cheese sandwich after cheese sandwich to his mouth and disappearing upstairs, Arthur had been prepared to wait until his father had gone to sleep. But such was his luck that when he had opened his door at ten o'clock, his father and Hunith were still downstairs very much awake Uther trying to convince his wife to calm down.

Arthur had tried to step back to his room, but his father had taken notice of him. "Son, why are you still up?" He had asked and Arthur had only the opinion to lie. "I was just thirsty, father." He said and started to go down the stairs to get a glass of water he was not going to drink.

He was still mad at his father and while he listened him telling Hunith how there was nothing wrong with Merlin, Arthur felt his temper rise again. His father was just not taking the situation seriously enough. What would it cost to him to get Merlin to a hospital for a check up? Or even stop being so demanding and unconditional all the time? So that Merlin could relax and tell what was in his mind… at least to Arthur.

Arthur snapped out of his growing annoyance when he felt the glass he had been pouring flow over. He would have cursed, but then his father would surely blow up and now was not the time for that. If he wanted to get to Merlin ever, he would have to get his father to calm down and preferably Hunith too so they would go to sleep.

It felt foreign to talk to his father more than to answer his questions politely after just few weeks and Arthur realised that it was mostly because that was what he had usually done with his father. Even when they had actually talked about some things, Arthur had always needed to stay polite and even when they had fought Arthur knew it had always been expected from him to apologise afterwards and tell that he had been wrong.

Still Arthur managed to humour his father telling that he was sure that the one who had called had been some nosy neighbour and that it wasn't like they were some poor family that couldn't feed themselves. He could see how his father took his every word and liked very much what he had heard. Hunith wasn't looking that convinced, but it seemed that she didn't want to talk about that while Arthur was there. That, unexpectedly, hurt a bit. Arthur didn't think Hunith as his mother, but somehow he had felt closer to her lately. Closer than he was to his father at the moment.

It was almost midnight when Arthur had finally decided that the house had been dark long enough and he rose up from his bed still fully clothed. He had left his door slightly ajar so that it wouldn't make a sound and so he could see the hallway. He was so prepared of demanding answers from Merlin that he had barely time to recognise that a shadow that moved past his door just when Arthur was about to open it, was his father. Arthur pulled back quickly and hid behind his door.

Soon he heard Merlin's door open and then close. Arthur moved immediately and he was in the hallway just in time to hear the lock click shut. He didn't like this at all. He remembered many times when Merlin's door had been locked and he wondered if his father had locked them every time.

He tried to press his ear to the door but the only thing he could hear was some short muffled sounds. So quiet he couldn't even make up who was speaking. He pulled off in frustration. Why did this house have to be so soundproof anyway? He wanted to know what was going on.

Suddenly he thought about his closet. It was connected to Merlin's and its door was probably open. The closet door was thin and he would probably hear though that. He returned to his room and opened his closet door. He had to remove some stuff out of the way so he could open the door enough to get through. When he opened the door he saw two cans of beer. He tried the door on Merlin's side and as he had suspected, it was open.

Arthur stepped carefully over the cans so he wouldn't make them fall. Merlin's door didn't open as much an Arthur suspected it was meant to open so Merlin could take his beer out, but with a little bit of pushing Arthur could get the door open enough that he could get through.

He stepped into Merlin's closet. It smelled like Merlin. Arthur had to be careful because there wasn't much light now. He heard some muffled sounds and he had to press his ear to the door to hear what was going on.

* * *

A/N Gliffhanger! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry! I just had to, but on the bright side, 17 reviews and the rest is yours :)

Million thanks for Funce for being my beta for this chapter! You are perfect, you know british inside out and your comments are awesome!

And you who reviewed, I just love you. I'm kind of juggling with my summer job, my personal life and writing this story now, but you keep me going :) I love writing this because of you and I feel satisfyed with my life when I can read your reviews while I'm having a break in my mundane summer job. Thank you so much. With every word you write, you are making a difference for me.

Angel Dove1 :D Uther would go crazy if you gave him a picture of Merlin and Arthur in a same bed! I just imagined the framed picture and it would be so cute! But I'm sure Uther wouldn't see it that way... And yes, the end is near (for Uther at least), there is just no way to hide this all for much longer. How did you like Percival? Or Gwaine's father (who will be seen soon too)? In the show Gwaine's father was dead, but seriously, in a modernday setting, I just can't kill everyone's parents. And I needed him for the story so...

mersan123 Yes, you always put so much thought in your reviews, so I'm also sorry that your effort was lost, but as you said, no point in dwelling on that. Yeah, Uther will not admit that he was wrong on anything... that he is in a bad mood is because he kind of knows that he made a mistake but he is too proud to say that out loud. And yes, as you said, he is blaming Arthur instead. I also enjoy these lighter chapters and we will get more of them later, I promise! The help is also near, but the troubles won't stop there, I'm afraid.

CoolBeans100 Thanks! Yep, Merlin has some good friends there. Pity they don't know each others, they could combine their efforts.

Skypeoplephoenix732 Yeah, originaly I kind of dismissed the football team as something that just had to be there, but in the end those guys became something important and I have myself grown into them. Because of that, I guess that Merlin is doing the same. And for Arthur they are very much like his knights in the show. He feels he has a responsibility for them and he cares for all of them in his own way. The stress Merlin is going through is the reason he vomits. I have a friend like that, when she stresses about something enough, she can't eat and if she does, it's very much possible that she throws it all up... I'm sad to hear that you have a similar experience :( I have litteraly read this story over ten times back and forth and I know lines like that by heart and I really just got it when I did the last check on the chapter... I just wanted to point out that wasn't my intention... I promise I'll write the part I promised, someday!

bubzchoc Thank you :)

calicia972 Thank you so much for the fav :) And no worries, I understood you fine. I'm glad that the effort can bee seen, I have now worked with this story for almost half an year...

Funce Thank you so much for the corrections again, when I have time I'll definitely correct all those mistakes in the last chapter :) I actually had to google word 'idiom', but I'm glad that you think that I'm doing well, it was a high compliment for me :) There, their and they're difference is quite obvious for me because in my language all the pronomins and verbs can be bended so... I'm more confused about prepositions and articles.

Cool Yeah, it would be a disaster if Uther found Merlin sleeping in Arthur's bed... and with Arthur! Or kissing or cuddling or basically anything else than studing. Awesome that you liked the chapter and btw it's great that you have named yourself, that way I know it's you :)

Guest Of course I didn't mind! I loved your review :) I hope you liked how I wrote the social workers, it wasn't easy. I know many have doupts of social workers, but I think one of the reasons for the is that we only read from papers when they fail. And it is very human to fail at times. And for a strictly law bound institution, they cannot move if they can't get something out of the child/adolescent. About Uther's lack of evaluatng Merlin's health, yes you are very much right. He is dangerously close on doing some real damage. In a way he is addicted on hurting Merlin and that is very, very not good for either one of them. Your wondering about Gwaine and Percival was very interesting to read. I almost felt tempted to change my story so Percy would have been abused because you had such a good point. We tend to think that certain types of people can't be abused. Most people think that males can't be abused and that is basically why I really got into writing this fic. It's so sad that those (even 1 of 6) males that had been abused, can't get their voice trough. The one character that I feel is out of character, is Hunith in this story. I don't enjoy writing her like this for I liked her very much in the show, but she has to miss things in order of the plot. I also wanted to make Merlin's abuse long. I read multiple cases of male abuse while researching for this story and many of them had lasted many years, even a decade! With some of them the parent's had no glue even if they were good parents otherwise. It is just not something we are prepared to, that our children are being molested. If you are interested, Google 200 male survivors with Oprah or just male survivors, you will find a lot of information. It's great that you can read on even if I make mistakes, but sorry to tell you, it's not that hard of a language to learn. It's latin language and my second language is spanish, so I have an advantage ;) I loved the ending note of your review, that is what I want to tell with my story, that this is really happening even if this is a fictional story.

Guest Why thank you :) You are so kind.

Senile Feline I'm so going to be too proud of myself, there are two people who think I'm good with idioms! And quilty is a great word, I feel blankety most of the winter. In the tv-show Lancelot and Gwaine liked Merlin very much and while at least Lancelot knew about Merlin's magic and they showed clear support and protectiveness for Merlin who was from lover class and a servant, they couldn't help much (Lancelot because he died mostly...) with the issues of magic, so I wanted to get them a more active role here and since they are older too... And that Arthur is not noticing, this whole storyline kind of depends on that... and it was easy to write because of how dense Arthur was in the show. I feel bad how long I have let this drag in a way, but when I did my research for this story, I found countless real life stories of abuse that had continued for even over ten years. I tried to make a story with continual abuse in a 'good' family that the society doesn't necessarily think that happens. About the chapter being a filler... I kind of forgot myself that I had put that part about Gwaine in it... But still nothing really happened, just a prologue for this chapter mostly :)

thejammysod Oh did I again confuse 'couch' with 'sofa'? Damn, it's just that in my language the word is very close to 'sofa' so sometimes I automatically write that... I'll correct it some day... I'm really happy that I was able to move you with the flirting :) You know how the actor of Arthur has said that 'everyone loves Colin Morgan' I kind of made it so that everyone loves (as a friend, I hate harem fics) Merlin in this story, but they are not sure how to aproach him because he keeps so stictly his own space, but Jordan kind of feels now that he can talk to Merlin. I knew that you didn't mean anything bad with what you told me, I' actually clad that you told me all this, I have read something like a manual for social service students, but that is so much theory... I'm very much interested of hearing everything that you can tell me :) And please don't lose your hope in me even if this chapter was not that flattering for social workers, it was just Merlin's thoughts. If you can get more out from uor mother, please either comment or PM me. Like I said, I would be very interested :)

Guest Oh, thank you :) Maybe the word filler was a little bit misplaced... I kind of just thought that chapter as some fluff in the middle of the climax, so I didn't want to raise false hope... but maybe I should have said that the chapter was going to be fluff... but what is done, is done. But anyway, I'm glad that you liked it :)

8OrangeMatilda8 Great! I also have enjoyed writing these happy chapters the most :) Especially at this stage when I'm mostly just proof reading. Merlin feels better when he is spending time with almost anyone. Then he can just be and not keep thinking basically what is wrong with him. In a big group he tends to shut himself down and just observe so he was horryfied with all the people on top of him. Especially with the physical contact, but he managed to forget that too and just have fun. That is very normal. Even if he is deeply traumatised and confused, it's not like he doesn't enjoy anything or that he uses all of his time methodically sulking in a corner. By nature he is social and at times like these, it shines through :) We still have hope in him! I'm still holding 'Morgana' card hidden! I hope you will like her when she finaly makes an appearance.

LordOfTehRainbow There is not a too late review :) Great the you could still enjoy the chapter even if you don't like fillers, but well, this is a realistic fic so there are bound to be days that don't exactly move the plot forward so... And we have had too little cute moments in this fic. Says I. There will be more, that is a part of the happy ending, but at the moment I think we were in a dire need of fluff.

Guest Yes, I think so too! It was a high time too.. I mean how long can two people circle around themselves? Apparently this long.

Emrys00 I used this story as an excuse to re-watch most of the show :D Great that you enjoy the borrowed lines, there is more of those in the future :) And thanks for the fav, I saw it the first thing when I woke up :)


	28. Chapter 28 - Through the closet

First Arthur had trouble making out what was happening. It wasn't a conversation like he had thought it would be, not even a fight. He heard some small sounds that didn't make any sense, but soon they became rhythmical. Merlin's bed creaked and Arthur heard someone whimper and pant. There was no mistake on these sounds. As much as Arthur tried to find any other explanation to them, he couldn't. "You useless whore, what have you done to my household? Do you find it funny to make your poor mother suffer?" Arthur heard his father's voice. His words filled with so much hate Arthur had never heard anything like that. He dropped to the floor and breathed hard. This wasn't real. This couldn't be real…

"I'm sorry…" Arthur heard Merlin say in a desperate voice. That voice made Arthur want to yell. It was so desperate… it hurt to hear Merlin like that but he was paralysed. He couldn't move a muscle and his voice was gone. He wanted to cover his ears but he couldn't do that either. He could just listen when his father had sex with the boy he loved and taunted him while doing it. Arthur had no way of knowing who was on top but he automatically thought that his father was doing Merlin.

"You dirty whore…" Arthur heard his father say and he had no idea why. What had happened? "I have seen you get out of those yourself, so do it this time also." Arthur had no idea what that meant either. He sat on the floor of Merlin's closet petrified. He wanted to scream. He wanted to hit something and cry at the same time but he couldn't.

"Kiss me." Arthur felt his blood turn cold with those words. It had been almost too quiet for him to hear but the words made him feel more betrayed than anything else. Maybe because it was the only thing he could comprehend. "No, I don't want to." Merlin's words lit some kind of hope in his heart but then he heard a dull sound. He didn't even want to guess what that had been but he understood it had hurt Merlin.

Arthur heard footsteps and the door lock open. His father must have exited the room. He waited for a while unable to move. Somehow a sound came from behind him and he didn't even recognise it at first. Then it hit him, his door had been closed. Arthur stumbled up and into his own room, but he was relieved to find it empty. His father had just closed the door when he had passed by.

After few deep breaths, Arthur still felt fragile so he sat down. Right in the middle of his floor. For a while breathing was the only thing he could concentrate on, but soon the reality hit him hard, like a wave. Just few hours ago Uther had talked with Hunith and Arthur like.. like he normally did and now... was this what he had normally done afterwards? Had he spoken normally to Arthur while he had… to Merlin. Arthur felt sick.

This was not the first time for Merlin, Arthur was sure of it. His door had been locked many times and what about those times Arthur hadn't happen to try to enter his room? Arthur shivered. Merlin was… Merlin had, with his father...

Arthur felt that he had been too naive. He felt tears built into his eyes and his heart break. He had been wanting to kiss and to touch Merlin but Merlin had already done that with his father, and at the same time. It was just few days ago when he had dared to sleep in a same bed than Merlin and now he found out that he had already had sex… in the very next room while Arthur had been home even.

It hurt.

But Merlin had never liked physical contact… That's why Arthur had been so careful. So why…? What had happened? From the sounds he had heard, his first impression was that Merlin hadn't enjoyed himself but he couldn't be sure and the hurt was rapidly turning into insecurity and doubt. He had to talk to Merlin.

The thought scared Arthur more than anything he had ever done in his life. He would have to collect the pieces of his heart and lay it open for another blow. Compared to this, his want to kiss Merlin with tongue and push him to his bed seemed like small things and Arthur felt angry and regretful deep down even if in the surface he wanted to give Merlin a chance.

Arthur sat on the floor for a while trying to collect himself but after thinking through what he could, he realised the most important thing. He loved Merlin. He couldn't help it even now even if he seriously wanted to. What ever happened, he had to hear Merlin's version first. And he had to hear it now.

Arthur stood up and went to his closet again. He wasn't sure why, but he just felt that he didn't want to see his father in the corridor by change. He closed the door behind him and made his way to the door in darkness. He opened the door and stepped to Merlin's closet.

Now he only had to open the door between Merlin's closet and his room. Arthur faltered for a moment. Somehow opening this door seemed like the hardest thing he had ever done. It was painfully symbolic in a way. He was questioning everything he knew, for Merlin. For a moment he wavered in between his loyalty to his father, his own fear and his love for Merlin, but in the end the decision was easy. He had to go to Merlin. Even if Merlin shot him down, hated him, was disgusted with him, or even laughed at him for being so naive, he had to go to Merlin. He opened the door with one clear movement.

The door didn't make any sound when it opened and Arthur saw Merlin immediately. Sitting on the bathroom floor scrubbing his skin in a way that seemed more like he tried to get rid of his skin than anything else. The first thought in Arthur's head was a word 'rape'. There was no way that Merlin had wanted this.

Merlin looked so thin, Arthur could see all of his ribs from his back. He was so small and he was desperately scrubbing everything that had happened from his skin. Arthur also noted some blue and purple marks on Merlin side and on his neck and he was reminded of the dull sound he had heard after… after Merlin had refused to kiss his father. Like Merlin had promised. He would only kiss Arthur.

Arthur felt his heart break once more in a very different way he had prepared himself. He hadn't wanted this. He had hated the idea of Merlin being with somebody else or kissing anyone else but he never had wanted Merlin to get hit for it, or raped… He felt pressure between his eyes. This was too much. He slowly stepped closer and stopped only to the bathroom door. Merlin didn't notice him. He was still scrubbing the same spot he had scrubbed the whole time Arthur had been in the room.

"Oh, Merlin…" Arthur said his voice surprisingly strong, but sad. Merlin turned his neck so fast Arthur could hear it make a snapping sound. "Arthur! You- no, don't look!" Merlin tried to escape to the corner of the shower clearly distressed but Arthur couldn't care less that Merlin was naked. He stepped to Merlin's bathroom. Merlin was now making himself as small as he could in the corner of his shower. Arthur noted somewhere in the back of his mind that Merlin must be uncomfortable with him naked and Arthur fully clothed so he took a towel on his way and spread it. He hugged Merlin with the towel not minding at all that he got soaked by the shower.

At first Merlin froze but he slowly relaxed in Arthur's embrace. Arthur felt tears in his eyes and he was glad that the overly warm shower hid them. "I'm so sorry for not noticing before…" He said to Merlin through the water.

Merlin didn't seem to understand at first but then he started to struggle. "No-NO! Get away! You can't…" Merlin wasn't the most coherent right now but Arthur only wanted to get him to calm down. Merlin tried to squirm away while Arthur held him still. The towel was wet and heavy and Merlin was in a corner so it should have been easy, but Arthur tried his best to not hurt Merlin. He remained firm but he didn't squeeze or press. Merlin looked and felt so fragile, still his struggles were surprisingly strong.

Eventually Merlin stilled and Arthur felt his sobs against his shoulder. Merlin was crying and he himself was close to tears again. "I never… I never wanted you to find out… I'm sorry, I'm sorry I…" Arthur held Merlin closer to his body. No… Merlin had nothing to be sorry for. He hadn't wanted this, right? Arthur had felt horrible a while ago but he wasn't the victim here. Merlin was, and he needed everything Arthur could give to him. He swallowed back his own tears and rocked Merlin back and forth. Arthur was soaking wet and the shower started to feel too hot.

It was impossible to talk like this, so eventually Arthur let go of Merlin with his other hand and turned off the water. Merlin was looking at the floor and he was hugging his knees under the towel. 'He seems so small…' Arthur thought. "We need to talk…" Arthur said to Merlin and Merlin nodded and looked like he was about to start crying again. Arthur wanted to tell somehow that everything was alright, that he was going to be there for Merlin but he had nothing else so he kissed Merlin gently on his cheek.

Merlin didn't react at first but then he slowly brought his hand to his cheek and rose his eyes to look Arthur, confusion written all over his face. Like he couldn't comprehend what had just happened. Arthur tried to smile at him and he rose to take a new towel for Merlin. There was no another one so Arthur had to walk back to the closet. He found a new towel and while he was at it, he took one set of pyjama and even one pair of boxers. He blushed a little at that but told himself he was being silly. A pair of boxers shouldn't even make to the list of his concerns right now. He put all of them on the small counter Merlin had next to his sink moving a big water glass from their way. Merlin was still wrapped inside of the wet towel and his eyes were cast down. "I'll go to change… please wait for me." Arthur didn't think Merlin could actually go anywhere but he still pleaded him to stay. He just hoped Merlin would talk to him.

On his way Arthur tripped water all over the place. He hoped no-one would notice the river he was making in between his and Merlin's rooms. He took the first clothes he saw on his way and headed straight to his bathroom. He took the wet clothes off and wiped himself dry with a towel. His skin felt weird after showering with clothes on but he just wanted to go to Merlin.

When he was ready, he returned to Merlin's room. He didn't want to take any chances so he locked the doors connecting the closets as he went. Merlin wasn't in the bathroom anymore. Arthur had to walk to the room to see Merlin sitting on his couch. In an oversized pyjama hugging his blanket. Unknown to Arthur Merlin was currently hating himself for not locking the connecting door. When Arthur had left through it Merlin had realised how he had gotten in. It was only hours since he had thought of telling someone, but not Arthur! Never to Arthur.

Arthur made his way to sit next to Merlin. Merlin didn't move and he was looking straight ahead not even blinking. Arthur had so many questions, he didn't know where to start. He was sitting next to a boy he loved and he didn't know how to ask him anything. Still he wanted- no, he had to know everything. It all felt so surreal and Arthur was quite sure that the reality would hit him again from another ankle at any given moment but right now he just had to stay strong for Merlin. He tried to find his words, but his thoughts were so all over the place that he couldn't grasp any of them. He needed something to help to keep him focused.

"Can I touch you?" He finally asked. Merlin snapped his head towards him and back again. He closed his eyes and nodded once. Arthur didn't really get Merlin's reaction but he reached to take Merlin's hands to his. Merlin's hands were cold so Arthur took them in between his own and tried to warm them.

Merlin slowly opened his eyes and looked surprised and confused. Arthur didn't understand his reaction at first but then it suddenly hit him "I-I didn't mean it…like that!" he tried to explain blushing at the same time. Merlin also blushed and Arthur felt it hard to comprehend how calm Merlin had been when he had given him a permission to touch him while thinking Arthur had meant… Arthur didn't want to guess what Merlin had thought he had wanted.

When most of his blush had died down, Arthur felt better, more focused. Merlin's hands worked like an anchor to him and he could finally speak. "How long?" It wasn't a real sentence but Arthur knew Merlin understood. Still it took a lot of time for Merlin to answer. Arthur almost gave up the hope of Merlin opening his mouth at all. "It depends…" He finally said. Arthur squeezed his hands and Merlin flinched. Arthur loosened his grip and Merlin looked like he would faint soon. "It depends on… how you look at it. If-if you want to know when…" Merlin's voice gave in and Arthur stroke his hands in a calming motion. He wanted to hug Merlin but he didn't dare to.

Arthur was afraid of the details so he tried to be vague "How long, from the start…?" This wasn't much clearer but he couldn't do more. "Since autumn when I was fourteen..." Merlin's answer didn't leave room for questions. His voice was hoarse and his lower lip was trembling a little. Arthur's heart sank. Since Merlin had been fourteen… That was before their parents got married. All that time and he had never noticed anything. It felt like something was clawing his insides. "How-how often… I mean, is it often or…?" His voice was wavering but he had to know… Merlin just shrugged. Arthur wasn't satisfied with that and he made a frustrated sound so Merlin continued "It depends. Sometimes it's more often…" Merlin's answers were as vague as his questions but he had to live with that. Neither of them were ready to speak about this in full sentences. He was just glad that Merlin was talking to him.

"I-I deserve it… I-I'm dirty…he-he says..." Merlin's words didn't make any sense to Arthur but they made him feel horrible "I just didn't want you to know… I- I'm so sorry." Merlin's breathing changed to quick passed gulping of air and he broke down in the last 'sorry'. He kept babbling some incoherent words and the more Arthur listened to them the more he felt that Merlin was repeating his father's words just in different order. It was only so much Arthur could take before he had to take Merlin in his arms and rock him back and forth "Shhh… it's alright…" He said even though he had no idea what was happening himself. It was slowly sinking in that the man he had heard had really been his father. His father who had always hated gays among many other groups of people. His father who had always been strict, but never… just never like that for Arthur. Merlin continued to apology to him and tell how there was something wrong with him. It broke Arthur's heart to listen to it and he had no idea how to make it all better.

How could something like this happen? How did things like these start? When had his father changed, or had he always been like that? Arthur could remember Morgana shout very harsh things to their father and he wondered if she had seen that side in him. But what left Arthur feeling the most disgusted was that now that he had heard and seen what he had, it didn't feel impossible or far-fetched at all. He could… see this all fit.

He had to know more so he started from the beginning of his questions. "Did you… do you want it?" He felt sick asking this question and Merlin's reaction left no doubt in him. Merlin pushed Arthur away and looked at him with more anger than Arthur had even imagined Merlin could show. His voice was more like hissing than actual speaking "Never!" Merlin wrapped his arms around himself and he breathed hard. Arthur tried to embraced him once again but Merlin moved away from him. "I'm sorry… " Arthur said when he didn't know what else to do. Merlin gradually relaxed again but Arthur still didn't dare to move. He felt horrible for asking such a thing after what he had heard and seen. How could he have been so stupid?!

Arthur swallowed thickly. Merlin was still hugging himself his back hunched like he was trying to hold himself together. Arthur found it hard to breath and a horrible thought hit him. 'What if I'm also hurting him? Like my father…' What if he was part of the problem? How was he any different to his father? Arthur remembered the morning when he had almost pulled Merlin to bed with him. He shuddered. His next question was probably the hardest he would ever ask in his entire life.

"Did I also… Did you hate it… with me?" His voice was shaking and he felt a lump in his throat. His blood hummed in his ears and he feared the response. Merlin looked at him looking ashamed but calmer somehow. Like there was this one thing he was absolutely sure of so he had no trouble saying it. "No." He said with a gentle tone.

Arthur let go of the breath he had been holding. In this confusion of hurt and shame he felt relieve dance in his heart. He wanted to know more. He again took a hold of Merlin's hands and he was happy that Merlin didn't take them away. Merlin didn't look at him anymore so Arthur tried to lean forward so he could see Merlin's face better but Merlin kept turning his face away. "Merlin, please, tell me…" There was hope in Arthur's heart and he waited patiently until Merlin turned his eyes on him.

It was that moment Arthur knew. He could see it in Merlin's eyes and he knew that Merlin could see it in his. But it still needed to be said out loud so Merlin opened his mouth. "It's because I-I… " Merlin breathed in deeply, his voice cracking and Arthur saw tears in his eyes. "I love you…" Merlin's shoulders hunched and he squeezed Arthur's hands like he feared that if he let go, Arthur would disappear.

Arthur kept his hands still even though Merlin's nails dug into his skin a bit painfully. He breathed in once again forgotten breath and his heart beat with a feeling he had never really dared to wish. But when he opened his mouth to tell that, Merlin quickly put his hand on his mouth silencing Arthur. "Don't… say it." Merlin wasn't looking at Arthur anymore, in fact he had closed his eyes tightly and he hung his neck his damp short hair shadowing his forehead.

Merlin let his hand fall slowly from Arthur's lips and Arthur could tell that Merlin thought that he would just do as he had been told to. "Merlin, I love you too." There was no way he would have done anything else. For a second he was just happy that he could say these words. They felt foreign because he had never said it like this, out loud. But Merlin's reaction was something he had not been prepared to.

Merlin froze and trembled. His voice shaking he shook his head forcefully and seemed to say more to himself that to Arthur "No… you can't…" He tried to pull his hands away again but Arthur didn't let him. Merlin looked at him with desperation "It's not safe! I- this is my fault. I-" Merlin didn't have to continue, Arthur knew exactly what he meant "No! No it's not. How could something like that be your fault? I love you. I have loved you for a long time now…" Merlin didn't seem convinced so Arthur continued "You remember? All the kisses should be for the one you love?" Merlin nodded hesitantly looking like he had no idea what that had to do with anything and Arthur continued "I meant it. I was in love with you before that. I wouldn't have kissed you otherwise."

Merlin's eyes made movement back and forth. He looked like he would soon start to ramble some nonsense again so Arthur added "There is nothing to be afraid of. I can take care of myself, I will take care of you. I love you, I want you, I-I want to keep you to myself." This was all he had. His feelings that he had guarded so carefully.

Merlin looked at Arthur's eyes and saw nothing but sincerity. Arthur took Merlin to his arms and now Merlin let him even if his body language still screamed unsure, he pressed his cheek to Arthur's shoulder. It fit there so well. Arthur held him tenderly and Merlin gradually melted. He breathed in Arthur's scent and Arthur brought his hand to stroke Merlin's hair. It was bliss. Merlin buried his face further into Arthur's shoulder against his better judgement "I- I just wanted my first kiss to be you…" Merlin wanted to explain. He was now holding onto Arthur like he was the only thing keeping him from drowning. "I didn't think you would…" Merlin didn't know how to continue, he wasn't actually even sure what he had wanted to explain.

Arthur hugged him tightly "It doesn't matter anymore. I'm just happy that you asked, I would never have dared." Merlin pressed himself to Arthur desperately. He was so relieved. Arthur didn't hate him. He didn't find him disgusting…

But the reality made itself known to Merlin soon. He was soiled by Arthur's father. He would just continue to disappoint Arthur. Also, whatever Arthur had said, this was highly dangerous for him. Merlin couldn't risk Uther ever finding out about this.

"It will end now, I promise." Arthur voiced exactly the same words Merlin was about to tell him, so Arthur's words didn't make any sense to Merlin at first. Then he understood. "No!" He again pushed himself free from Arthur's embrace. "You can't do anything! There is nothing to do, you will just get yourself hurt!"

Arthur watched Merlin panic and he understood more and more of Merlin's reactions to things. How he had frozen when Arthur had touched him or how he had been afraid when Arthur had taken things further. Merlin had thought he would force Arthur into something he didn't want. Or that Arthur would do the same thing to Merlin that Uther had. Or that the same thing that had happened to him, would happen to Arthur. It hurt Arthur that he hadn't realised this sooner and had continued to make Merlin uncomfortable with his actions. All while Merlin had tried his best to protect him while silently asking for help. Arthur just had never understood.

"There must be something! I can't let that happen to you again!" Arthur was desperate now. He wanted to help Merlin so much… He didn't want to think of the things his father had done to Merlin and he couldn't let them continue. He wanted to keep Merlin for himself and not let anyone else have him. He again felt fear that maybe Merlin had wanted it somehow but he kept Merlin's response in his mind and he told himself it wasn't possible. He thought about thin Merlin scrubbing himself in the shower and he shivered. Merlin hadn't wanted any of this. Arthur tried to push his selfish thoughts away. That aside that he himself wanted to keep Merlin for himself, Merlin had been taken without him wanting it. And since they had been fourteen… Arthur was sure he couldn't handle that kind of a thing himself even today. He noticed that his hands were trembling, no… his whole body was.

"There is nothing! He would just call me a liar and everyone would find out what I have done, everything would just get worse…" Merlin seemed like even thinking about it made him grumble from inside Arthur noticed that Merlin was talking like he was the one to blame in all this mess and that made Arthur more angry at his father and more depressed of the situation in whole.

"But surely what he has done to you-" Arthur was starting to find strong hate for his father. He had been mad at him for weeks now, but this was something entirely different. Merlin interrupted him "Can never be proved."

"But your bruises…?" Merlin flinched at the mention of them "Could have come from anything." Of course Arthur had seen them… "I heard you, you didn't kiss him…" Merlin didn't look at him but nodded "I promised to you didn't I?" He said in a quiet voice. Arthur felt pride and guilt at the same time. "And he hit you for that?" Merlin nodded looking ashamed. Arthur saw red at the thought of his father hitting Merlin for not letting him kiss him. The whole thought was revolting and Arthur felt sick at the thought. If his father even tried to do that to him… Arthur was not violent at all by nature, but he sure as hell would hit back.

Arthur covered his eyes with his hand and rubbed them in frustration. And he himself. He had made Merlin make a promise like that and that had lead to those bruises… "I should never made you promise…" Merlin touched his cheek hesitantly and then more certainly and finally he gently removed Arthur's hand so he could see his eyes.

"No… I'm glad you did. It gave me will to fight. Uther didn't have that one…" Arthur realised what this confession held in it. "What has he done to you?" Merlin flinched and looked down. "Does it matter…" he said in a quiet voice. "It matters, please, I have to know." Merlin's lip trembled and his expression changed. His face twisted and his reply was full of bitterness. "What is there to know? He has done everything! I'm dirty, and you shouldn't touch me… "

Arthur just held him even tighter. "Merlin, you are not dirty… Please! Understand that much." Arthur felt sick on thinking how his father had done that to Merlin and made Merlin think that he was the dirty one. Arthur could no longer call that man his father. He felt angry. He felt the need to protect Merlin. He felt powerless and weak. But Merlin was in his arms and that was all that mattered right now. He would figure something out. There had to be proof somewhere. And the most important of all, Arthur wouldn't let Uther touch Merlin ever again.

Now Arthur would have to concentrate. First of all, he had to get Merlin out of this room. He glanced at the bed and suddenly it was clear why Merlin didn't sleep in it. He shuddered. He himself never wanted to see that bed again. "Will he come back, tonight?" Arthur finally asked. Merlin shook his head against his shoulder but remained quiet. "Then come to my room. You will be safe there." Merlin was still for a few seconds and then he nodded. He didn't want to be left alone in his room after all this and he couldn't let Arthur stay here either. Just for a while he wanted to pretend so he let Arthur pick his blanket up and take his hand and lead him to Arthur's room through the closet. Merlin took one of his beers on the way and Arthur didn't protest.

Merlin headed straight to Arthur's couch while opening the can with a snap and drank. Arthur sat next to him and watched. He still wasn't used to the idea of Merlin drinking, but he could see that Merlin was drinking the exact same way he had drank his wine in Arthur's car. Not for the taste but for the desperate need of it. Arthur felt horrible. Merlin had had enough then. He would have wanted to go to some park and drown his agony. He had done so in Arthur's car and even though Merlin had been right next to him, Arthur hadn't understood.

"Do you want one?" Merlin asked. Arthur shook his head. He didn't need distractions. He wanted to feel and see and think. In his mind he saw memories of Merlin acting weirdly or sad or quiet and all the things he had just brushed off as Merlin's character or mood swings… Why had he been so stupid?!

Merlin saw Arthur's distress but he had no energy to do anything about it. He wasn't actually even sure what of the many possibilities had caused it. Merlin was so frustrated with himself. When Arthur had told him he loved Merlin… Merlin had been so happy it had been almost painful and it had turned painful soon after. He felt like he had let Arthur down. He should have been able to prevent Arthur confessing something that would put him on the harms way. What if Arthur said it again and Uther heard? That would be the end of everything, and for what?

There were so many problems and reasons this would never last. Arthur could get fed up with Merlin and he could be crushed under the pressure of his problems. And what was this anyway? They could never date. Not really. And Merlin had ruined Arthur's relationship with his father for sure now. And even if Arthur could by some miracle be alright with that and if he for some reason would want to call Merlin his boyfriend, Uther would still come to Merlin's room and Merlin would have to lift his ass up for him, suck him off and let him touch Merlin until he came. There was no way in this universe that that would work. Arthur would eventually be, and rightfully so, disgusted and disappointed in Merlin and that would break Merlin's heart. He wasn't sure if he would survive that.

Merlin drank the rest of his beer in one gulp. He felt now familiar burning in his stomach and warm fuzzy feeling in his head. He wondered if he could take another one. The night and the evening was spinning in his head and he found random snippets affect him in random ways. He clearly couldn't comprehend the whole situation yet. He was angry at himself for leaving the door open and the bathroom door also. He was glad that he had hid the handcuffs this time before going to shower. His heart was filled with hope when he heard Arthur's kind voice telling him it was alright and the hope was crushed when he remembered Arthur's face making a disgusted expression even thought Merlin was fairly sure it was not directed at him. Yet.

He remembered how good Arthur's neck had smelled and how his teary eyes looked and he wanted to wipe those tears away so badly. He remembered Finna's eyes as they had observed him and the way Tilly's hair had been braided. These things spun in his head making everything blur. And still… Merlin felt like he had been in a small prison cell and now the walls had come out, letting him breath fresh air. He was so relieved in an absurd way that he didn't have to lie to Arthur anymore. Even if that meant everything he had worked so hard for years now would come to an end. Even if Arthur would leave him and never want to see him again, Merlin didn't have to lie to him anymore.

Tiredness washed over Merlin and he heard the empty can hit the floor. He had to concentrate on the world and he realised that he had nodded off for a second. Arthur took the empty can and put it behind his couch. Merlin looked at him and he felt that Arthur was the most beautiful thing on this earth. And here he was with him… taking care of Merlin, looking at him, telling him he loved him… "Thank you…" was the only thing Merlin could say. Arthur smiled at him and brought his hand to gently cares Merlin's face. Merlin wanted him closer, even if just for tonight. "Could you kiss me? Just… just one more time…" Arthur didn't like the 'one more time' part but he would have to talk about their relationship another time. Now he was too emotional and Merlin was too hurt and too tired. Arthur leaned in and kissed Merlin softly and gently. He did his best not to initiate anything sexual or make Merlin scared of him. He kept his body separate from Merlins and made sure he didn't hold Merlin tightly so he could push him away at any time he wanted. The position wasn't very comfortable but Arthur held on. Merlin kept his eyes open and so did Arthur. Merlin looked like he wanted to remember everything and he looked so sad… Arthur pulled back slowly and Merlin smiled at him with a shaky smile.

"I love you, Merlin. Never forget that." Arthur stroked Merlin's cheek and Merlin smiled at him with a smile that told Arthur Merlin tried to separate himself from him. Arthur could vaguely understand Merlin's reasons but he wasn't going to let this happen. He had just heard today that Merlin felt the same as him and he wouldn't let it go.

"Merlin, you told me that you love me. I love you too, for a long time now, so please, let me be by your side." He pleaded looking Merlin straight in the eye. Merlin looked at him surprised mouth opening to hang a bit. "You don't have to do anything with me you don't want to and I might not be very good at dating, but I would do my best…" Merlin looked at him and finally he smiled like Arthur had seen him smile before. That smile that made Arthur smile too. Merlin took Arthur's hands in his and he felt joy. Simple joy. If he could just say yes… but tomorrow would come and bring Uther with it. They were safe now. For tonight in Arthur's room but he couldn't make promises.

Arthur watched as Merlin's smile wavered and finally he turned his gaze away. Arthur wanted desperately bring that smile back and he felt panic in his heart "I- I can't promise you anything, but I would gladly be with you until the day I die." Merlin's words were grim and Arthur didn't like them one bit. "And you can do me whatever you want. It's alright if it's you…" Merlin's words made Arthur blush like mad. He tried not to imagine what 'whatever he wanted' kept inside of it and he staggered "I-I really didn't mean it like that… I mean I do want you but-but it's not the same if-if you don't want it also, I mean…" Merlin made a sound that actually resembled laughter. Arthur looked at him confused and Merlin laughed louder. The idiot actually had a nerve to laugh at him!

"You should see your face! I-I it's so…" He actually had trouble saying anything through his laughter and Arthur looked at him with annoyed look on his face "Well excuse me. Not all of us has experience here…" Arthur regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth and Merlin stopped laughing. He looked at Arthur with a sad, but also a bit amused smile "No, I suppose not." He shook his head sadly and Arthur mentally kicked himself. "I didn't mean that, I'm sorry I-" but Merlin held his hands and shook his head. "It's alright. It's true anyway." Arthur's comment had moved something inside him. He knew that he should have been hurt by it but somehow, he felt relieved. He saw Arthur's innocence and it made Merlin sad that he had lost that, but at the same time that Arthur could joke about it… They were normal and that finally make Merlin see past his fears. Maybe this could work. Maybe Merlin and Arthur could be alright. Even if they never would be a couple, maybe they could still be friends after this. And maybe Merlin could still stay besides Arthur. If he survived Uther's wrath alive that is.

Merlin felt tiredness again shallow him and Arthur must have noticed this because he said "Let's get you to sleep. We can talk about everything later." Merlin nodded at him and he was about to lay down on the sofa when Arthur took a hold of his hand and shook his head. "You sleep on my bed, I'll take the couch."

Merlin felt moved. He wouldn't have dared to ask to sleep in Arthur's bed and he had assumed that Arthur wouldn't want him to sleep in it either. He smiled a little and Arthur pulled him up gently by his hands and lead Merlin to his bed. He covered Merlin with his blanket gently and Merlin blushed a little. It felt so nice and Arthur's hands on his blanket made Merlin's skin tingle pleasantly. But when Arthur moved to leave, Merlin felt suddenly the bed cold and too big. "Won't you sleep with me?" He asked shyly and Arthur turned around. "Are you sure it's alright to you?" He asked a bit unsure and Merlin nodded at him. A smile spread on Arthur's face and Merlin was glad he had asked.

Arthur took Merlin's blanket from the couch and Merlin made room for Arthur on his right side. Arthur put the blanket down and stroked Merlin's hair gently "I'll just change to some pyjama." Merlin nodded against his pillow and blushed a little. Arthur went to his closet and closed the door.

After a while he came back wearing some pyjama pants and a t-shirt. He looked so handsome in Merlin's eyes and he couldn't believe that they could actually share a bed.

Arthur lied to his side facing Merlin not putting the blanket on. Merlin realised why. Arthur felt too hot, he normally didn't wear any shirt when he slept and Merlin knew he had been considerate for him. "You can take it off if you want… I don't mind…" Merlin told him and Arthur looked a bit confused at first but after he followed Merlin gaze he understood what he meant. Arthur blushed a little and wanted to make sure "Are you sure? I don't want to make you uncomfortable..." It was a bit funny. Merlin appreciated Arthur's kindness and all but it wasn't like he hadn't wanted to see Arthur without a shirt and well… He had had his share of fantasies but he had no idea how to try to explain this to Arthur so he just repeated his last sentence "I don't mind."

Arthur blushed a bit and Merlin found himself smiling. He was happy and he felt excitement run through his tired body. When Arthur rose to pull his shirt off Merlin snuggled further under his blanket and turned his head a bit more to his pillow. Arthur's bare back looked nice especially when his muscles moved with the movement. Merlin liked his body type very much. 'He's so handsome…' He thought and felt ashamed of his own thin body. He was far from the definition of handsome. He wondered what on earth could Arthur see in him to tell him he loved him. He couldn't see himself as someone special in any way.

Arthur laid down again and pulled his blanket to cover him. When he glanced at Merlin, he turned his face to his pillow a small blush on his face. Arthur felt a little bit pleased but he also wanted to put enough material in between them so Merlin wouldn't feel uncomfortable. He again turned to his side so he could look at Merlin. He was clearly tired and Arthur knew he would soon fall asleep but there was still things that he wanted to ask before Merlin fell asleep.

"Merlin, can I ask you one more thing?" Merlin stayed put for a second and then turned his head slightly to look at Arthur's face. "Yeah…" He said a bit hesitantly. Merlin wasn't sure what Arthur could possibly ask, but he feared that it would be something that would make him even more ashamed. But Merlin also knew that he couldn't lie to Arthur anymore. It still felt relieving but also highly unnerving. "Why are you really so thin?" Arthur wouldn't buy any of the bullshit that Merlin had told to the social workers or Lance. Not anymore he would let Merlin just brush it off as nothing. He felt like he had the right to ask now.

Merlin frowned. Of course there had to still be something to make Merlin even more ashamed to tell Arthur. He sighed. He was too tired for this but Arthur's face was serious and him looking at him so closely Merlin had to answer. "I sometimes throw up…" He felt like he was admitting all over again how weak he was and he felt ashamed of himself. He tried to look at any other direction than towards Arthur without actually turning around. He was comfortable and he was exhausted. His limbs weighed a ton and he didn't want to move.

Arthur's eyes widened and he felt a new kind of worry rise within him. Was Merlin bulimic? He had read of the disease when he had tried to find more information about anorexia and he had even heard some rumours in the school about some girls who went to bathroom to throw up after lunch to stay thin, but he hadn't even thought… Merlin just hadn't seemed like the type to stick his fingers in his throat at all.

"You throw up…" He had to make sure and when Merlin just nodded he felt a strong need to do something. Why would he do that to himself? How could Arthur tell him to stop and to add some weight? That he wanted to see Merlin healthier?

"Why?" He had to know and Merlin tried to get even further under his blanket so Arthur could only just see him up from his nose. He seemed to try to look at the fabric just under his eyes and he mumbled so quietly that Arthur could barely hear Merlin's words "It's- sometimes I feel sick after…" He couldn't finish the sentence using words 'your father', 'cum' and 'in my mouth' so he hoped Arthur wouldn't ask.

Arthur understood. He felt his stomach turn and he felt anger rise inside of him again. Even this was caused by his father. He saw Merlin who looked like he had admitted something embarrassing and Arthur's heart broke once again. It hurt so much. He wouldn't care what his father had to say about him anymore, he would keep Merlin safe, he would get evidence and take Merlin away from here. He wondered if Merlin's mother knew any of this and he was briefly angry at her too but he soon remembered the real concern about Merlin's health and her pleas to Uther to take Merlin to see a doctor. Hunith could come with them also.

"Merlin, look at me." Merlin slowly turned his eyes towards Arthur and looked at him eyes wide. "I'll protect you. I promise. Ok?" Merlin didn't seem convinced but he smiled weakly at Arthur and Arthur put his arms around the pile of blanket Merlin was inside. He kissed Merlin's forehead and whispered to him "I love you."

Merlin felt like he was in a dream. This felt so good… He smelled Arthur's scent and heard Arthur's heart beat. Arthur's skin felt amazing. His skin wasn't dry like Merlin's nor paper like or pale. Merlin bent his neck just the last few centimetres so his forehead rested to Arthur's bare shoulder. It felt so warm and soft…. Merlin was tired and he felt himself falling asleep."I love you too..." he had to tell Arthur before sleep took him. He wished he could sleep forever and that he would never have to leave this bed.

Arthur saw Merlin drift asleep and he looked at his face. It was peaceful now. It tore his heart to think of what Merlin had to get through for so long and he felt anger towards so many things. He was angry at his father most of all but he was also angry for those people who had made Merlin believe that he deserved this, that there was something wrong with him because he liked boys. He was angry at his school, how come only Lance had tried to do something? He was angry at himself for being so stupid. He was the one who should have noticed… or Hunith. But why nobody had? Or even if somebody had, they had done nothing. Like the social workers. What was their purpose if they couldn't notice anything? They had even Merlin's unhealthy weight to go by and left just like that.

He wished he had himself took Merlin to a doctor or even the school nurse ages ago. He had been worried so why hadn't he done anything like that? Arthur didn't sleep in many hours. He was too angry to fall asleep and he also didn't want to move so he wouldn't wake Merlin up. In the end he drifted to sleep filled with dark and twisted dreams. He woke up many times and every time only seeing Merlin sleep almost motionless besides him made him able to sleep again.

When he woke up in the morning, Merlin was still there. Eyes open and looking at him with calm way a small smile on his lips. Arthur couldn't have hoped anything more in the whole world than to see this sight every time he woke up for the rest of his life.

The following days Arthur never left Merlin's side. In his mind, it was now his mission and responsibility to protect Merlin. The only exceptions were the times when Merlin went to see Gwaine and Gaius when he held his practices. He followed Merlin around in the house and spent more time in his room than his own. He made Merlin come out with him and they played some football in the garden almost every day.

Arthur also made Merlin eat. He drove them to eat in a cafe after football practices and they had some really good time while Merlin ate some cake and they drank coffee. Arthur felt happy and almost like they were a normal couple. Like they were on a date and once he even saw one waiter wink at him encouragingly and that gave him courage to take a brief hold of Merlin's hand under the table. Merlin had blushed prettily at that and his shy smile had made Arthur's day brighter.

But even if constantly being in a protective mode kept him distracted, it wasn't easy for him either. Arthur had a hard time when during the week he had slowly realised more and more what his father had really done to Merlin. Also Merlin's good mood made Arthur wonder how many times had he been raped if he could get over it so fast? He thought of the days Merlin had been grumpy and flinchy and if that had been all he needed… Arthur was sure that if it had happened to him, he would have been more than grumpy for at least a year.

He had hard time talking to his father who appeared the same as always. Sometimes when Arthur saw him in the diner table or in the living room he momentarily forgot what he had heard him say to Merlin. It all felt surreal and aloof in Arthur's mind.

Alongside protecting Merlin, Arthur had another mission: to get evidence. One day Uther left for work and Hunith was away, Arthur did something he had been forbidden to do since he could remember. He entered Uther's office. He tried to go through his drawers and even open his computer but he didn't guess the password and in the end he found nothing. He was out of ideas after he closed the door and he didn't know what to do. Could he just tell someone what he had seen? The social workers maybe? Would they believe him? His father had a lot of power and he could easily come out as a rebelling teenager and he knew Merlin would be too afraid to back him up. He didn't trust the social workers completely either and he didn't know who else to ask for help. He didn't trust his school and the only one that he would have been able to trust, had already tried and failed.

Besides, Arthur didn't have the number for the social workers. Hunith had panicked briefly when she had been unable to find the card she had been given until Merlin had rolled his eyes at her, told her that she wouldn't need it anyway and with the same breath asked her to have a walk with him because he wanted to talk with her about something. Arthur had watched that play before his eyes in shock. It had felt so wrong and he couldn't help but see how many times Merlin had done something similar to him.

When he again found his concentration on this world, Arthur noticed that Merlin and Hunith were gone. That almost made _him_ panic. Arthur had spend the next hour or so pretending to be playing football while Merlin and his mother sat on the bench under the tree. He felt betrayed and hurt, but he also forgave Merlin with every passing minute. He couldn't be mad at him, not really and definitely not for long. And that was not just because of what he had learned, he hadn't been able to stay mad at Merlin for years now.

Eventually Merlin had yelled at him if Arthur needed a practice dummy and after that Arthur had let himself forget everything for a while. Everything else than the football and Merlin's half hearted complains of how much of a prat Arthur was when he was made to try to stop Arthur from making a goal while Arthur kept using every trick he knew making it impossible for Merlin to succeed.

Merlin had found himself in Arthur's company a lot lately. Not that he didn't enjoy it but at times it made him uneasy. Like when Arthur followed him to living room and didn't let him be alone anywhere where Uther could possibly be. It made him afraid that Uther would notice what was going on.

One night when Arthur had practically glued himself to his side on their way to dinner Merlin had actually asked if Arthur thought that Uther would take him against living room table in the middle of the dinner. It was supposed to make Arthur relax a little but Arthur had turned gloomy and glared daggers to anything that moved and especially at Uther the whole evening after that.

That day Uther had sensed that something was wrong. He had asked what Merlin had done to Arthur and told him to stop bothering his son. Luckily Uther hadn't done much else. He had squeezed Merlin's ass and he had held him painfully by his arm when no-one was looking, but nothing more. Hunith was home and Arthur had made a loud habit of going to Merlin's room at evenings to get this and that without knocking. Merlin never told Arthur what Uther had said to him.

Merlin didn't dare to go to Arthur's room now at all before he was absolutely sure Uther wouldn't come that night. He usually woke up at three o'clock at night now and then he slipped through his closet door and lied besides Arthur. Arthur always made room for him and put his arm under Merlin pillow. Merlin would then sleep few hours and slip back early. He didn't need any alarm for this, he slept lightly in the fear of Uther. Merlin hoped this would last as long as possible, but he knew it would soon come to an end. Uther would soon demand him and Merlin couldn't say no. He had to keep Arthur safe but he wasn't sure how to face Arthur after that. He wouldn't be able to sleep like this that was for sure.

* * *

A/N I had an serious urge to name this chapter 'Finaly!', but I managed to stay a bit more serious. Again, sorry for the cliffhanger, it seemed to stir quite a lot of feelings. That was flattering, but maybe a tiniest bit scary... well, here it is and I hope you liked what has happened so far. Arthur is now trying to shoulder everything by himself, but lets see how that will work out in the next chapter.

I got amazing amount of 24 reviews for the last chapter. When I hit 17 someone commmented on why I didn't update right then, well, that was because I was sleeping. Sorry for the wait, but in the future, it might take those 8-10 hours because a) I have to sleep and work and b) I'm not on my computer all the time.

I don't think I'll ask for 25 reviews for the next chapter, but I would be very thank full if those who really want to comment my story or just leave a small note if they think I'm doing well or not so well, I would be very thankfull. There have been some very exelent comments and I have bettered my story in countless point because of you. I will update in the latest in three days, but if you continue to give me your support, I'll update faster. Does that sound fair?

Special thank you for Funce who has agreed to be my beta!

EssieScrawls Sorry! But here it is and like usually with cliffhangers, we knew what was going to happen, I wouldn't be that cruel ;) At the moment Arthur is a classical 'I need to do this all myself' -mode. Teenagers... But let's see what the next chapter will bring with it! And the hat in question... let's just say that Percy is the only one who doesn't have to fight an urge to face palm every time they see it.

ExistentialChrisisMaster To answer so that I won't spoil anything, I made police the eqvivalent of knights yes. They are there to protect and treat everyone fairly and take those who brake the law to be judged. So I thought that it would fit. Hehe, 'True Merlin Protection Squad' that would be great title :D I know what you mean, but there is not much connection there... But let's see! I can talk about Lance and Gwaine the whole day! They are awesome! It's not something everyone would do to go their way out to try to help someone even when they don't ask for help. To try and do a right thing is the best quality on can have in my opinion. Merlin is degenerating. He is again falling further inside of himself and he is tired and thin both mentaly and physically and that makes him unable to think clearly too. Sorry that I went all 'BBC' on you, but I regret nothing! :3 P.s I liked your profile, thumps up!

bubzchoc Here it is! And early, partly thanks to you :)

CoolBeans100 Arthur is dense, but if he wouldn't have found out with that, well, then there would be a severe need of getting his hearing/ brain checked. But he did, so Let's be happy :)

Guest He did not exactly see, but I hope you were satisfied :) Thank for the compliment, Hunith is now suffering for she has no idea of what to do...

mersan123 You have very good guestions! I hadn't even thought how it would look like when you already knew that Merlin was already showering while Arthur should have been there for a while... But I hope that was answered with this chapter :) Rest of your questions will be answered in the next chapter, I hope to update soon! I might have laughed out loud when I read that part of Hunith getting out of her butt :D

Senile Feline This was one of the rare oportunities to make a cliffhanger, but you are right, it was a nasty one. I don't think anyone is that dense and Arthur had to find out sooner or later (in this case it was definitely later...). Now we are just waiting for the whole thing to be revealed. Arthur is trying to do everything himself and that is not leading to anywhere.

Guest How nice to know that my story made you to make your first review! Thank you :)

BluesAvalon That kind of sums it up :D

Angel Dove1 Great that you liked the role I gave to Percy, I enjoyed writing his and Gwaine's interaction very much :) Hunith really needs to think things trough without Uther's lies. Many things she has been worried, has been swept under a rug because Uther has lied to her. She would have called Finna if the number hadn't been 'lost'. We just don't know yet if it was Uther or Merlin who took the card... You did judge the timeline right, I hope you liked what happened!

Why You Do This Thank you! I hope this was worth the wait :)

Guest I'm now waiting for that long review ;) I'm glad you liked what I did with Percy, I kind of liked what I did with him too, if I can say so myself.

Guest I won't, I promise!

awesome dude Thank you :)

Punk emo I won't! :)

AreyouSatan I'm pretty sure I'm not... This chapter should have answered your question ;)

Chibi . warlock Good to hear that you still enjoyed it even if it's quite sad most of the time. Sorry I couldn't write your name correctly, ff thinks that it's a link and deletes it...

supewholockotps Hmm... I'm not totaly sure I understand, but glad you like this story :)

Skypeoplephoenix732 Hi! Great that you liked Percy and social workers, I'll have them return in next chapter :) And it was high time for Hunith to rethink, seriously! I have been waiting this so much... Merlin and Arthur kind of are together already... it's just that the situation is so complex and so hidden that it's not heathy in the long run, but let's see how the situation will change ;)

Emrys00 I'm really starting to feel sorry for that cliffhanger, but that would have made almost 22 000 words chapter and besides, I kind of wanted to let it sink. I guess I managed at least get some reactions :D Thank you for your comment on Gwaine, he is kind of important character in this story. I hope there was enough cute moments for you, I promise more in the future!

Guest Yes, that was the record, but I was sleeping when that happened so... Sorry for the wait.

Rake Sorry! I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)

Guest Thank you for your very kind words :) I hope you will like the rest of the story too!

Cool So, how did I do? ;)


	29. Chapter 29 - Gwaine's visit

Percy had a hangover. He knew it had been a bad idea to go to drink with Gwaine on sunday. Percy didn't get easily drunk but he got hangover far more easily than Gwaine who seemed to be immune to that. Percy had a theory that Gwaine somehow transmitted his hangover to him and that was why he always wanted Percy with him when he wanted to get waisted.

Nor the less, they had had a fun evening. Gwaine had been in a good mood, which wasn't that unusual but he wasn't Percy's best friend for nothing. Him being in a good mood was something Percy needed to see on regular basis. Many of his workmates told him he was too serious or too stoic for his own good but he didn't feel that was the case. Every time someone made a comment of him having to babysit the chief's son he found himself feeling that these people didn't have any idea who he was. Yes, he was quite serious by his face and his build wasn't exactly helping, but he and Gwaine shared the same type of dark humour with a twist of self irony. It wasn't his fault that others didn't get it most of the time.

Percy sighed at himself. It was monday morning and he couldn't get anything done. After staring at his computer for another ten minutes his mind drifted to one of their yesterday conversations. He remembered Gwaine to mention that Merlin boy again. It seemed that Gwaine was quite fond of him. By what Percy had gathered from Gwaine, Merlin had been in a good mood last week and Gwaine wanted to bring him with them to a bar. Percy had promised Gwaine that he would tell every bar that they used to visit that Merlin was underaged if Gwaine dared to do that before Merlin had turned 18. Gwaine had frowned at him and mumbled something about a killjoy. But this wasn't the first concern in Percy's mind right now. Something kept bothering him and before he knew it, he was again opening the information of Merlin's family. There really wasn't anything special apart that a quick Google search gave him the information that Uther Pendragon owned quite a large business and was quite well off. That explained the area they were living.

Percy was about to close the file when he saw something new. There was a note that social service had recently visited the house. Percy clicked the report open and read it twice. An anonymous call, concern of health, interviewed Merlin and both parents present, living conditions excellent, signed as processed and no follow ups. Percy frowned. Gwaine wouldn't call to a social service so this meant that someone else was also worried of Merlin.

Percy was about to close the file when he noticed something in the bottom. The case had been closed, but there was a request of opening it and to have a new interview, this time outside of Merlin's home. It was made by Finna.

Percy smiled at that a little. He knew Finna. They had worked together once and she was someone who wasn't that easy to forget. She had worked with the service for decades and she had an eye for people, she was not easily fooled. That Finna had made a request like that in a case seemingly had nothing off (if one just went through a list and checked points like living conditions and no past violations etc.) could mean only one thing: Gwaine had been right to be worried. It was no surprise, Gwaine was rarely wrong when he noticed something was off and Percy trusted in him with things like this.

The first thing to do, was to call Finna so Percy took his phone to do just that. It took only two rings for Finna to pick up and by then Percy had completely forgotten his hangover. "Finna here, what can I do for you?" Her voice was almost annoyingly chipper for a monday morning, but Percy had gotten used to it when they had worked together. He could almost enjoy it now.

"Hi, it's Percival from-" "Oh, I remember you! With a unique name like that… what can I do for you?" Chipper and amazing memory it seemed… "I was going through a report you had made concerning a boy named Merlin, and-" "Yes, yes, I visited him just a week ago with Tilly here, I wanted to meet him again, but you know how it is with the recourses… It's all down to money these days… I made a request for we don't think everything is how it seems, is there something you can tell me? Anything that could speed things up?" Chipper, amazing memory and no need for formalities. Percy could live with that.

"I have a friend who is worried, I was hoping you could have told me something..." Percy told her and during the brief pause that followed, he could almost taste the disappointment. "Oh… could you make him leave a complaint? I could work with that..." Finna tried, but Percy knew there was no way to make Gwaine leave an official anything and definitely not a complaint to social service.

"I'll try..." He said nonetheless, but he knew that Finna could tell there was no hope. "You do that. I'll make a plea to my superior, but I'm not sure if it will help. We are really tight this year… and he has an opinion that I have enough cases as it is. Cases that have no doubt in them if they are cases or not. We are just on our way to be the third party in a meeting with daughter and her drug addict father… Complex case, he really loves his child, but just can't seem to get a hang of his life..."

"I know, we are too. Which is why I have to start to do some real work over here if I want to get home today, but thank you." Percy had to cut in before he heard of every case Finna had at the moment. It didn't seem to bother Finna and he heard Finna say her goodbyes before he hung up. This was all he could do, but still he couldn't just brush it off and take some of his 'real work' on the desk.

He himself had no way of doing anything from where he stood so he decided to bent the rules (again) for Gwaine and took his phone once more to make a call.

Gwaine answered to his store's phone with a surprisingly decent manner and Percy made a note to tease his friend about that later as much as he could. He told Gwaine briefly about the report and he could almost see Gwaine's distaste on the bland report and his reluctant appreciation towards Finna. Gwaine didn't tell him if he was going to do anything or not but Percy knew he would. After hanging up, Percy finally felt like he could start working. He was late from his schedule but he was an effective worker so he would manage.

After working his hardest for two hours he suddenly remembered that Gwaine had seen Merlin's address. Gwaine did have an excellent memory when he wanted to remember something. Percy hoped that Gwaine wouldn't go to the house. That would most probably be a bad decision and wasn't the only thing he could do to make matters bad for Percy and himself. Percy might not be Gwaine's babysitter but he was sure that someday he would find Gwaine to be his doom.

* * *

Gwaine was in a cab on his way to see where Merlin lived. After he had hanged up to Percy he had immediately gone to close his shop with a 'be right back' sign and changed his clothes. He had again a look that made him look as indecent as possible without really being one. He had loose garage pants and a long red t-shirt with loose west and some leather bands around his wrists.

It was monday so Merlin would be helping in the football practices and he should be at his shop in half an hour. That meant Merlin wouldn't be there to chase him away and ruin Gwaine's evaluation of his parents. He just hoped they were at home. He remembered Merlin mentioning that his stepfather was often home in the mornings working from his home office and quite frankly, Uther was the one Gwaine wanted to see right now.

The cab left him to the most pompous area Gwaine could imagine. The house itself wasn't one of the worsts but Gwaine grimaced at the thought of having to live in something even resembling this. He was glad that even though his family did have money, his father was at least not into this type of thing. He walked to the front door and rang the doorbell. He waited patiently his hands in his pockets and a smirk on his face.

After a while of waiting, a middle aged man came to open the door. He looked so uptight that Gwaine had to grin at him. He had a bad habit of wanting to annoy those kind of people without actually saying anything inappropriate. He knew it annoyed them all the more when they couldn't even complain about him to anyone.

Uther opened his door waiting for one of his associates to come and have a meeting. He wasn't too pleased when he thought that he was overly early but his mood only turned sour when he saw Gwaine behind his door. Uther was not impressed of his appearance. He hated this kind of youngster fashion carefree clothing and the unshaved man dressed at them made him highly annoyed. "What is your business here?" He asked and Gwaine just smiled at him even wider. For some reason this annoyed Uther even more.

"Do you happen to be Uther Pendragon?" Gwaine asked him. He wanted to find out more about this character that seemed to be at least the reason Merlin hadn't told where he went in his free time at his home. "Yes. Do you have some business with me?" Uther replied his question which he didn't like to do. He thought that maybe this was some sort of messenger or courier sent by someone in his company. If so, he would have a word to whoever had hired this piece of work.

"Not really… I actually came to see a friend. Is he home by any change?" Uther looked a bit surprised but then his face hardened. For a moment Gwaine was sure Uther would close the door to his face but apparently he was curious. "And who might you be referring to? I don't recall ever seeing you before." Gwaine thought in his mind that Uther didn't seem a person who would recognise any of his sons' friends but he just smiled again. This was it, he would see Uther's reaction very carefully.

"I'm looking for Merlin. He's home isn't he?" Uther's eyes darkened and for a brief moment Gwaine saw rage. Not many would have been able to name that but Gwaine had a very good intuition to these kind of things. His smile faltered. He now knew what Merlin was so afraid of.

"Leave now and don't come back. I don't want your kind on my doorsteps, is this understood?" Uther's anger surprised Gwaine. 'his kind…' that reminded him of something… Gwaine opened his mouth to ask about it, but then he understood. He closed his mouth and saluted Uther before walking away and hearing Uther slam his door close.

Gwaine was good with people. He had suspected a long while that Merlin preferred boys over girls. Gwaine didn't mind. He had also seen Arthur and Merlin interact and it didn't take a genius to see that they both had a thing for each other. Gwaine had been a tad worried at first but he soon came to the conclusion that they seemed good for each others. They had been brothers by marriage for about two years. In their age it didn't mean much. They lived under the same roof but as Percy had told him, it didn't make them really brothers and Gwaine trusted his friend's words.

But now, what worried him was Uther. He knew the type. If Uther knew Merlin was gay, it wasn't very unreasonable to think that he hit Merlin for it. Uther had mistaken him for a gay too and Gwaine hoped that he hadn't caused Merlin trouble by it. Uther could have even thought that he was Merlin's boyfriend. Gwaine grimaced at that. 'If he thinks that he doesn't have eyes _or_ brain' Gwaine was like ten years older than Merlin and even thought he liked to annoy people with his act he was 100% heterosexual. Or at least 99%... Gwaine didn't believe in strict categories.

Gwaine had to think fast now. Merlin would be at home in about two a half hours. If he could get help by then, he could prevent Merlin from getting Uther's wrath and hopefully even get some evidence by talking with the family. He would miss seeing Merlin in his store so he couldn't warn him what he was going to do, but he had to do something now. He wasn't sure why exactly but something in Uther's eyes made his skin crawl. If it was just an angry slap now and then Merlin wouldn't be like he was. Gwaine felt something was very wrong here. He had only one option. He had to go to see his old man.

* * *

When Finna had ended the call with Percival, a young officer who Finna found pleasantly calm and collected person, she turned to Tilly. "Someone else than the man who made the call is worried of Merlin... " Tilly immediately looked interested. She had just started to work after she had graduated this spring and she had all the energy in the world to care for her clients. It wasn't a bad quality but Finna made a mental note to make sure that she didn't burn herself out with the first case that wouldn't go as planned.

"Is there anything new?" She asked eager to know more. She and Finna had agreed that there was something off in that house. First of all the mother had seemed so worried that it seemed that she had lost the plot a long time ago. Second her husband had not seemed worried at all and had been too keen on dodging every help they could recommend for his adopted son or his wife. And then of course there was Merlin himself. Being thin aside, he didn't seem to want to be thin and judging by his room he was quite normal teenager. A bit messy lad who liked movies and football. What Finna had gathered, he had volunteered to assist his school football team even during the summer.

That should have been fine and Finna always appreciated if a person had things they were passionate about, but there was just something wrong. Merlin had not looked Tilly in the eye when he had talked, he had been overly eager to tell how well everything was at his home in random contexts and he had not made himself present when they had left.

Tilly had taken about two minutes to open her mouth and ask if Finna felt that everything had been alright in that house after they had left. She really valued Finnas opinion and she felt very fortunate that she had been assigned to work with the much more experienced woman. Finna was a great mentor, she always let Tilly work in her own way and she would only cut in if she thought that Tilly had made a mistake, but she never let it show in the scene, she would only tell what and why it had been a mistake after they had left the scene. It was very good way to learn and also highly reassuring for Tilly.

To Tilly's disappointment Finna couldn't tell her any new information besides that Percival was an officer and that he had promised to try to persuade his friend to take action.

They had tried to get more time for Merlin's case, but according to the system 'there was not enough reasons to get them involved further'. Tilly had raised a fuss only earning a not so kind speech of her having to learn not to waste resources.

This was the side of this job that Finna didn't especially enjoy. She had known all her life that this was her calling, but by God she was waiting the day that the higher ups would start to listen to her when she wanted to do her work right. Yes, sometimes she had been wrong, but that was part of life. In Finnas opinion it was better to waist a little bit time to investigate when there was nothing to be found than to potentially miss something that was just under the surface. She seriously hoped that there was nothing to be found in this case. Sometimes it was a bliss to be wrong in her line of work.

* * *

Merlin had left to visit Gaius after he had found Gwaine gone. That was certainly unusual but he decided to drop by on his way back. Gaius didn't mind him being early and they ate some late breakfast together before Merlin helped him to weed his new flower bed. They talked happily and Merlin ended up laughing and joking.

Gaius had noticed Merlin's good mood this week and he decided to ask about it "Has something good happened to you lately?". Merlin rose his eyes from the flowerbed and smiled at Gaius shyly. "I have had a good week…" Gaius rose his eyebrows at him and Merlin blushed a bit. "Oh, I see. It has something to do with Arthur." Gaius continued to press Merlin.

Merlin blushed darkly but he beamed at the old man. He had come to see that Gaius really didn't think any less of him now that he knew his feelings for Arthur. In fact he had made Merlin feel that his feelings were good and to be cherished. Merlin quilt had lessened and he was feeling like a normal teenager when he had told Gaius small things like Arthur buying him ice-cream or telling him that he had done good work in the football practice. He hadn't yet dared to tell Gaius that Arthur had told him he loved him but he thought that maybe now was the time to at least hint about that.

"We went to have some coffee on the weekend…" Gaius rose his eyebrows again at him and Hmm-ed encouraging Merlin to continue "I- he- he kind of held my hand…" Merlin had to turn back on his work but he heard Gaius lean forward interested to hear more "Oh, did he?" Merlin laughed nervously at him and nodded. "So I see you were afraid for nothing it seems." Gaius said and relaxed back to his chair. Merlin couldn't really agree with him totally but he knew what he meant. Every day Arthur still talked to him and smiled at him and made these small touches and little kisses Merlin felt relieved and he had hard time believing his fortune.

But he still had Uther as his dark cloud.

When Merlin remained quiet, Gaius' smile faltered. He had hoped those two found love, but he had waited Merlin to be a bit more animated about it. "Is there something worrying you?" It wasn't unusual to have doubts when you were a teenager and in love but Merlin's quietness made Gaius wonder…

"I don't know, I just don't know if he will get bored of me… I'm not so…" Ah, so that was it. Gaius smiled again "Do not worry about those kind of things my boy. Take your time and have fun. Just remember not to rush on anything." Merlin blushed again "Oh, and remember protection." Gaius continued.

Merlin almost fell to the flowerbed and turned to now laughing Gaius "What is it that makes me so fun to torture?!" Gaius just laughed at him and soon Merlin was laughing with him.

Merlin was surprisingly innocent for his age Gaius decided. He had seen about everything in his days as a doctor and teenagers in his days and now… Merlin was just something else. He blushed about every little thing like holding a bit of hands. Gaius didn't see anything wrong with this. In Merlin's and Arthur's situation it was good to take things slow and see if their feelings lasted rather than be of curiosity. Rushing into things could make ugly consequences and as a family they wouldn't get away from each others so easily. Gaius promised to have a conversation about this the next time he would visit but now it was soon the time Merlin would leave. He had come early, but he had to leave earlier also.

Gaius reminded Merlin about the time and Merlin went inside to wash his hands. Gaius knew the boy Merlin was visiting besides him. Gwaine had been a troublemaker in his days but Gaius had always liked something about him. When he had opened that little shop he proved himself to be a hardworking lad. He was also a colourful personality and Gaius thought it would do good for Merlin to have some colour in his life. With a strict home and school life and some old man as his friend…

Merlin felt good while he walked. Gaius hadn't seemed bothered that there was a possibility of him and Arthur … Well, Merlin tried not to think about the protection part… He was awkward enough without that. He suddenly remembered the condom he had hidden under his bed so long ago. He blushed at that. He had to seriously get rid of that. What would Arthur think if he ever found it?

When Merlin arrived to Gwaine's shop it was still closed. The note on the door said 'Be right back!' and Merlin would as sure as hell mention this to Gwaine when he had a change. He decided to go back to school. It was less than an hour left of the practices and it would be weird to go back to Gaius' after leaving once already.

He approached the school from the side of the parking lot and he was about to turn corner to a short cut to the fields when he saw Uther's car drive to the school area. Merlin wanted to run and that was his first thought he should do but his legs were clued on their place and he could only watch when Uther walked towards him.

When Uther reached Merlin, he took a hold of Merlin's forearm and pulled him to his car without a word. Merlin tried to tell him something or other about getting water for the team and that he had to be back, but Uther didn't listen to him and just pushed him to sit in the car. Merlin was frightened. He squeezed himself to the far corner of the car and whimpered. This was it, his mother was at work and the house was empty. Arthur wouldn't be back and he wouldn't even know Merlin wasn't at Gaius'. Merlin could only hope Uther would be fast and drop him back to the school so Arthur wouldn't notice anything. Somewhere along the way it started to rain as if the weather itself had decided to reflect Merlin's fear.

After Uther had parked his car he walked around the car and pulled Merlin out. He practically pushed Merlin to his room and locked the door. Merlin was breathing hard. This was new and Merlin didn't know what to do. He was terrified and seeing Uther in his room in broad daylight made his insides turn. He didn't want this, he couldn't… no more. He took a step back but Uther followed him. He took a hold of Merlin's arm and squeezed it painfully. "Who was that who visited this house? Was it your boyfriend? Is nothing enough to you, you little whore!"

Merlin had no idea what Uther was talking about but his voice was so angry and his eyes held madness in them that Merlin whimpered and tried to free his hand. "I asked you a question. Answer me! How many faggot friends do you have? How many know where you live?" Merlin still didn't know what was happening. He only knew that Gaius had had a boyfriend before and there was no way Uther was talking about him.

Merlin's confusion and silence seemed to annoy Uther even more and he raised Merlin's wrist above his head and took a hold of his side. Merlin froze. The touch burned him and when Uther slid his hand to take Merlin's pants off Merlin squirmed and tried to move away. "Stay still. You deserve to be punished." Uthers voice was cold and clear and Merlin knew what was coming before Uther took a pair of handcuffs out of his pocket.

"No!" Merlin shouted at him and tried to get away. Uther was only holding Merlin with one hand and Merlin managed to catch him by surprise. Merlin stumbled backwards until his back hit his desk.

Merlin breathed hard. He had never yelled at Uther like this before and by the look of Uther's face he would have to wait for the worst now. He had to get away. Uther took a step towards him and Merlin tried to run past him. Uther took a hold of him and pulled him backwards causing Merlin to fall to the ground and crash against his chair which fell over.

Merlin felt sharp pain in his back and he cried out. Uther didn't seem to care. He pulled Merlin up and tossed him to his bed. He was turned to his stomach and Uther sat on top of him. "No!, NO! Let go of me!" Merlin was now panicking and he fought what he could. Uther ripped his shirt off and Merlin felt something hurt badly. Uther pulled his hands up one by one and trapped them with handcuffs. Merlin cried out in desperation. He couldn't escape. When he turned his head he saw his chair had broken. The height control had snapped and left there a sharp metal pipe left. The metal pipe was where Merlin's back had hit. There was blood on the floor. Merlin became very aware of something cool making it's way from his shoulder to his side. He shuddered.

Uther pressed some cloth, possibly Merlin's shirt against his shoulder blade and Merlin hissed at the pressure. Then Uther moved to take off his pants. Merlin tried to kick and protest but Uther held his legs and said. "If you don't behave, I'll have your legs cuffed too." Merlin didn't care. He remembered Arthur's gentle hands, he couldn't let Uther rape him. Not anymore. Merlin felt pain in his side. Uther had hit him and Merlin had to gasp for air as his lungs emptied.

That finally made Merlin still. He felt like he was drowning and his strength disappeared with the feeling of hopelessness trying to drown him. Uther took the lube from the drawer and Merlin made a final 'No!' but it was thin and had no power to it. Merlin had been beat and Uther would take what he had wanted.

Uther took Merlin hard, taking his time. It hurt and Merlin started to feel faint at some point. Still he didn't care much about that. The only thing constantly in his mind was 'Arthur, I'm so sorry…'

* * *

Arthur was worried. The rain had started half an hour ago and he had dismissed the team when the field had started to resemble a swamp. Obviously Arthur had thought that Merlin would be at Gaius' and he had decided to join them.

But when he had called Gaius that he was on his way, Gaius had told him that Merlin had already left, that he was visiting Gwaine now. Arthur had driven to Gwaine's shop, but he had found it closed and even after he had called Merlin's cell, he didn't get any reply.

He tried to call Gwaine too, but he didn't pick up either. Arthur didn't like this at all. For a second he thought very ugly scenarios that involved Gwaine, but then a very much more alarming thought entered his head and his blood ran cold. His father couldn't have taken Merlin home, right?

Arthur jumped to his car and drove home as fast as he could. He was quite sure that he saw a speed camera flash at some point, but he couldn't care less. When he stormed in the house, the first thing he saw was Merlin's bag in the middle of the floor just thrown away.

Arthur didn't need more than that. He called Merlin by name and ran upstairs. He turned the handle of Merlin's door and when he found it locked, he pounded it and called Merlin through it. He cursed when nothing happened and after final kick to the door, he ran to his own room. He prayed that the connecting door wasn't locked and when it opened his legs almost gave in with relieve. He stumbled over the boxes in Merlin's side of the closet and forced the door open as fast as he could.

Uther was still inside of Merlin and was currently pulling Merlin's hair when they heard a loud bang from the door "Merlin! Open up!" It was Arthur. Merlin's heart froze and Uther jumped apart from him. He closed his fly and pulled Merlin's bed spread from under him and covered Merlin with it.

Merlin heard noise from his closet and he knew it wasn't locked. He couldn't breath. Arthur couldn't see him like this. He tried to pull his hands under the blanket but the handcuffs prevented it and Merlin only managed to get them cut into his wrists. When Arthur stepped to the room He looked straight at him. Merlin was visible from shoulders and it was clear that he was naked and handcuffed. "Get out! GET OUT!" Merlin shouted as loud as he could his voice broken. He couldn't have Arthur here. He couldn't let him see and he couldn't let Uther know Arthur knew.

Arthur faltered on his steps and looked helpless for a moment. Then he turned to look at his father who hadn't got enough time to get out from the room. He had of course thought Arthur would be behind the door.

"You!" There were tears in Arthur's eyes and he was angry without end. Uther looked at his son calmly like there was nothing wrong happening here. "Son, I certainly expect you to come in a room with more collected manner." Arthur looked at him in the eye. To Merlin this whole sentence was like a hit to his gut. Like there was nothing else out of place than Arthur storming to room through closet.

"What have you done to him?" Arthur's voice was surprisingly quiet but dangerously low. "Me? Nothing. I found him like this. I saw a strange man exit and this was what I found." Arthur couldn't believe his ears. His father was lying to him with so calm face that he had trouble understanding it. So this was who his father was. A cold surface of lies surrounding a monster. Arthur looked at Merlin who was now laying limp, his face turned to his mattress. Then Arthur noticed something on the floor. It was the shirt Merlin had been wearing today, smeared with blood.

"No…" he breathed out and took a step forward Merlin but his father stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "There is nothing wrong with him. Leave now. I'll take care of it." Arthur tore his shoulder free and stumbled backwards. "I can't believe you… I know what you have been doing, you disgust me!"

"Told by whom? This boy? He has a trouble of lying and now you see him? I have tried to help him and-" Uther started, but Arthur didn't want to hear it. "Don't you dare. To speak to me." Arthur was rising his voice and his face had twisted into an ugly frown. "You are the liar here! You speak about how other people have faults but you are the one who's lying! And- and this!" Arthur was shouting now and Uthers tone also changed.

"I am your father and you will show me some respect!" Uther hissed at him. Arthur looked at him straight in the eye. "I no longer think of myself as your son!" He stepped forward and extended his arm "Give me the key!" He shouted pointing at Merlin's handcuffs. Uther looked at him in disbelieve "Have you lost your mind?" Arthur stepped forward his hand in front of him and he repeated with quieter tone that was full of hate "Give. me. the. key."

"Arthur this is getting ridiculous. I told you I'll take care of this." Uther was now holding his hands up and in order to make Arthur calm down. Arthur just stepped forward and Uther sighed "You leave me no other choice." Arthur took a hold of Uther's shirt but at the same time Uther moved. Uther was a strong man for his age and he was not to be taken lightly. He had one more set of handcuffs in his pockets and he cuffed Arthur's hand in a blink. He pushed Arthur with all his strength and twisted Arthur's hand with the handcuffs chain.

Arthur was caught by surprise and he stumbled backwards. He hit Merlin's bed and he had to turn and take hold of the bedpost in order not to hurt Merlin. That was when Uther managed to cuff the other link of his handcuffs the same way Merlin hands where. Arthur tried to reach his father but Uther stepped back quickly and Arthur just made the bed scratch the floor. He heard Merlin whimper and he stilled but kept his eyes on Uther who again spoke with a cool cold voice even if he was out of breath "You will stay here until you calm down. I expect you to see reason by tomorrow."

"What reason?! Your reason is that you can imprison us here?! That you can do this to Merlin!" Uther just looked at his son with arrogance "He got what was coming to him. I have no reason to explain myself to you." Arthur felt faint. This was too much. Uther was mad. There was no other explanation.

Uther turned to leave and just before he closed the door he turned to say one more thing "Do not take pity on him. He got what he wanted." Arthur just looked at him until he closed the door. Arthur header the lock click. Uther had locked it from the outside.

When Uther was gone, Arthur immediately turned to look at Merlin. Merlin didn't move. "Merlin, Merlin..." He called him with a desperate voice and touched his shoulder with his free hand. "Please talk to me!" Merlin still didn't move and Arthur panicked. "Merlin!"

Merlin finally stirred and rose his head from the mattress but didn't look at Arthur. "…Why did you come?" He said in a silent, empty voice. Arthur had to wipe some tears from his eyes "Of course I came! I called you and when you didn't- oh God, Merlin…" His voice broke down. He reached for Merlin, but Merlin flinched away making his handcuff jingle and Arthur pulled his hand back "I didn't want you to see me like this. Isn't it bad enough that you know, but see!?" Merlin was now looking at him his face twisted in pain and tears in his eyes. "Why did you have to come?" He asked his voice breaking into sobs.

Arthur didn't know what to answer and he just looked at Merlin desperate. Merlin sighed and let his head fall to the mattress again. He breathed couple of times and then spoke with a flat tone. "There is a pair of scissors under my head next to you, can you take them out?" Arthur was confused but did as he was told. He found the scissors quickly but it took some time to take them out because he had to use his left hand and Merlin couldn't move much from the way. The scissors were dented and looked like they had seen better days and Arthur had no idea what Merlin was going to do with them. It actually made him a bit uneasy to give Merlin something that was possibly even a bit sharp.

Merlin pulled himself to sit and the blanket slid from his shoulderblades. Arthur could now see the wound on his back. It wasn't very large but it was somewhat deep. It didn't bleed anymore but it didn't look good. "Merlin, your shoulder!" Merlin shrugged and made his way to sit next to the bedpost. He opened the scissors and wedged them in between the bed and the wall and pushed them through one of the links of the hand cuffs. He bent them until the metal gave way. Merlin left out a soft grunt just before the metal broke. Arthur realised that the cuffs tightened painfully on Merlin's wrist at the end and that Merlin had been waiting for it.

"This isn't the first time you do this…" He said out loud. Merlin looked at him blankly. "No…" He admitted. He did the same to the other cuff and he was free. Arthur was waiting Merlin to do the same to him, but instead he let the scissors drop. Merlin gathered the blanket around himself and bent to fish something from under his bed on the other side from Arthur. He soon rose up slowly with a key in his hand. Arthur's eyes widened and he stared as Merlin freed his hands. Merlin tossed the cuffs haphazardly just somewhere and dropped the key to Arthur's hand.

It took Arthur some time to open the cuffs with his left hand and at that time Merlin had left the bed and walked to his bathroom. Arthur couldn't help but think how many times Merlin had been here in his room, chained to the bed trying to get the scissors himself while Arthur had slept soundly just across the wall. It was not a nice thought.

Arthur just got his hand free when he heard Merlin vomit. He ran to the bathroom and he found Merlin kneeled to the floor, throwing up and squeezing the blanket around himself, clenching his stomach. The blanket had slipped some and Arthur could see half of Merlin's thin and bruised back. Merlin breathed a couple of times harshly and then his stomach cramped again.

Arthur sat next to Merlin and tried to help but he could just watch Merlin's wound to open again with his heaving and wait for it to stop. Merlin's back was so thin… It looked horrible to see how Merlin's ribs moved under his skin and with every time something came up, Arthur saw him get paler and weaker. Arthur now fully understood what Merlin had meant that he got sick.

After a while Merlin rested his head on the toilet seat and Arthur brought his arm around Merlin's shoulders careful not to touch the wound. Merlin didn't protest, he had no will to fight anymore.

"Can you… pass me that class with water…" He asked and Arthur jumped at the possibility to do something. He remembered moving the same big glass the other day. Merlin drank the water and looked a bit better. He stared blankly in front of him not seeing anything and then he finally sighed.

"I'll take a shower now…" He pushed the blanket to the side and crawled to sit under the shower. His normally shy behaviour was gone and to Arthur he looked like had given up. He also started to realise that there was a pattern Merlin was repeating. Like he had done this so many times that he couldn't change his routine even if Arthur was here. Brake handcuffs, vomit, drink water, take a shower, sleep on the couch… Thinking that made Arthur stomach turn. Merlin had told him that this had been going on for a long time but seeing this Arthur really felt how much that meant. It was one thing to hate something but to get used to it like this...

Merlin turned the water on and took a washcloth and started to scrub himself. His movements got more and more forceful and finally he threw the washcloth to the floor in frustration and buried his head to his knees. This was the saddest thing Arthur had ever seen. He picked up the washcloth and took the shower head to his hand. He kneeled in front of Merlin and started to gently wash him. He stroked Merlin's arms and legs and back careful not to touch anything that could make Merlin feel uncomfortable. He was careful of the wound too and he gently wiped the extra blood from in careful not to get it too wet.

Arthur saw everything that was wrong in Merlin's body then. He saw clearly the bruises he had on his side and stomach, most of them yellow and green but some new forming to his side. The scar on Merlin's tight was not the same he had seen so long ago, it was larger and it had one more scar next to it and there were some marks on Merlin's neck, like someone had tried to strangle him. Arthur tried to concentrate on his work rather than to think what had happened.

After he had finished he gave the shower end to Merlin and left to get him some clean clothes. He chose some boxers and sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt Merlin had bought with Gwen what seemed like a lifetime ago.

When he went back to the bathroom, Merlin was wrapping himself to his largest towel. Arthur told him to leave the shirt off for now, he would find something to cover the wound. Merlin shook his head. "There is something under my mattress." Arthur went to check and he indeed found some bandages. They were in a sterile baggage and they were the same kind that the school had. Arthur wondered when Merlin had gotten them and how many he had used here alone. How horrible ones life had to be if they had to storage bandages under their mattress?

He waited patiently for Merlin to come out of the bathroom and when he finally did, hugging his towel to his bare chest Arthur asked him to come to lie down to his couch. Merlin did and Arthur covered the wound the best he could and stroked Merlin's hair in a way he hoped was soothing.

Merlin just lied there quietly. He felt devastated that Arthur had seen him in such a state and he felt utterly terrified of the thought that this wasn't over yet. Uther had never said anything before him breaking off from his cuffs but he was going to 'talk' to them later, maybe even tomorrow and Merlin had no idea what Uther would do to Arthur.

"Merlin… look at me." Arthur whispered to him gently and Merlin slowly turned his head towards him. "I'm sorry I couldn't do more… If there is anything you want me to do, please tell me." Arthur's voice was kind and warm and Merlin's heart melt. He had been feeling empty but now Arthur had forced him to feel again. His shame and shyness hit him at the same time and he blushed darkly. He also felt strong need to have Arthur besides him. He was afraid to be alone.

"Please don't leave me…" He sobbed and reached for Arthur. Arthur took him into his arms and let him cry to his shoulder. Merlin felt so tiny like this. His skin was warm but he felt fragile. Arthur could feel Merlin's spine sharp under his hands and it felt like if he squeezed too hard Merlin's bones would break.

"Shh… I'll never leave you. I'm here. I love you." Arthur kept whispering to Merlin's ear which just made him cry even harder.

After he had no tears left he was thirsty and Arthur got him some more water. "Do you have any beer?" Arthur now really understood the drinking. Merlin was thirsty and empty after throwing up like that and the alcohol must have relaxed him. Helped him to sleep and clean himself alone in here. Arthur started to feel that he also needed one.

Merlin nodded. He still had those he had gotten from Gwaine last week. He hadn't needed them. Arthur went to the closet and found four cans he had kicked down when he had hurried to Merlin earlier. That felt so far away now. He took two of them and returned to Merlin. Merlin was now sitting on the couch.

"We should go to my room." Arthur said to him and Merlin nodded. Merlin clearly had trouble walking and Arthur knew why. It felt horrible to think about that. They sat on Arthur's bed and Merlin buried himself to the blankets. He felt cold again. Arthur wished he had some food for Merlin but his door was also locked so they were trapped. Arthur cursed himself for leaving all his stuff to his car when he had hurried up. His cellphone would have been there and Merlin's was in his back downstairs too.

"Who was the man Uther mentioned?" Arthur wasn't sure if that was relevant, but he had to say something before he drove himself mad thinking of what he should have done. Merlin shook his head. "I have no idea. He picked me up from school and he demanded to know about someone who had visited. He thought I knew him that I-" It suddenly drawer to him.

"Gwaine." Arthur just stared at Merlin. He didn't get it. "It must have been Gwaine. His shop was closed all day and it makes sense… Uther doesn't know him and well... have you seen the way he dresses?" Merlin had seen him dressed in his free time clothes once and even if Arthur hadn't, he started to see the picture. Uther had thought Merlin had a boyfriend who had dared to come to his house. It was actually ironical. Arthur imagined what would have happened if Uther had found Merlin sleeping in his bed, Arthur hugging him… He now understood fully why Merlin had been so terrified of coming to his room at evenings.

"So um, have you ever mm, looked at Gwaine that way?" He knew this wasn't the most important thing to deal with but he also couldn't talk about anything too heavy and this seemed relatively safe subject. That and he was curious to know which kind of men Merlin preferred. Merlin chuckled to his beer. Arthur felt relieved, he had been right to ask that. "You're seriously asking that?" Merlin seemed amused and Arthur was glad. He took a sip of his own beer. It didn't taste good at all but he still kept drinking hoping it would help him relax.

"All thought I have to admit that he is good looking but…" Merlin was now teasing him and Arthur nudged Merlin's side. "So what about me?" He asked and Merlin pretended to look at him and think. Arthur rolled his eyes but was glad to see Merlin return to normal even if it was somewhat unnerving to see how fast it had happened. He really had to be used to this if he could get back to normal this fast.

"You are average." He finally said and sipped his beer again "Average you say… So pray tell me, why didn't you chose someone more handsome then?" The question was meant as a joke but Merlin's features softened and he looked at Arthur with a smile only meant for him.

"After today, do you even have to ask me that?" He said quietly. Merlin meant what he said. He couldn't think of Arthur having to witness what he had a good thing but after Arthur taking care of him so gently and staying with him, Merlin felt like he wasn't alone anymore. He had Arthur and he could take everything now. He would find courage and he would even offer himself to Uther if he had to tomorrow to protect Arthur.

But tonight he could sleep in Arthur's bed and feel loved and love back without feeling like he was doing something wrong.

Arthur blushed a little and tried to cover it by taking another sip of his beer "This tastes horrible, I can't imagine why you drink it all the time…" He said to change the subject. "I don't drink it for the taste…" Merlin's reply made Arthur flinch. How many times had Merlin really drank alone in his closet after he had thrown up? Arthur wished he had been there with him, helping him or better that this all had never happened. He took another sip of his beer.

When Merlin had finished his beer he lied down next to sitting Arthur. Arthur patted his lap and Merlin took the invitation and rested his head on Arthur's lap. He still didn't have any shirt on but he didn't feel so ashamed anymore and the blanket could cover him loosely from his chest. Arthur stroked Merlin's hair and Merlin closed his eyes to enjoy it more.

"Can I kiss you?" Arthur asked and Merlin nodded not even bothering to open his eyes. Arthur bend down and Merlin rose his chin to meet him in the middle. It was a short kiss but it held love in it and Merlin thought that maybe someday he would be able to let Arthur touch him and that wouldn't hurt.

When he laid back down, Arthur took his hands on his and stroked gently the swells the handcuffs had left. Arthur kissed his wrists and Merlin blushed. How could Arthur be so gentle? How come he was doing every right thing to make Merlin feel better when even Merlin had no idea what he wanted or needed?

Merlin realised that how much he had feared his feelings for Arthur, his love had kept his mind together and Arthur loving him had saved him. Again and again.

* * *

A/N I love writing this story. I was never good at writing nor was I good at english. I was always average and every task seemed forced. When I had done my mandatory education I was sure that would never write anything at least not in english. But here I am. I wake up around six o'clock to write and after eight o'clock I'll go to scool or to work, or both. Then I'll study or work until 2am most of the time. The scary part? The next day I'll still wake up at six o'clock to check the reviews and to write replies. Every free time I have, I proofread and re-write the next chapter. This really has become my passion.

Something that has not have much meaning for me to become something that consumes my time in Netflix, my time sleeping or even ocasionaly, spending time with my friends, feels phenomenal to me. I am very much happy and most of this sertain feeling that I have not just waisted my time, is thanks to you. You who have read this fic, you who have commented this fic and those who have Pm-ed and beta-ed for me. I never thought that I would get this much attention or encouragement and just life around me. Thank you so much for reading and staying patient with me!

ExistentialChrisisMaster Yeah... Arthur wasn't perfect there, but to be fair, he is a seventeen years old boy who's world just turned upside down in a way he had never prepared himself. Right now he thinks that Merlin is the only victim there is and he feels that he has to protect him and place all his needs before his own. That is not entirely true. Arthur is also victim of his father and the trust a child is supposed to have to their father, is broken. That trust has been extremely important to Arthur for all his life. Yes, the phone would be the best evidence there is... And Hunith doesn't know yet. When Merlin said he wanted to talk to her, he was just trying to get his mothers attention off the missing card. He made up a fake fight with Gwen, if you are interested (it will never be mentioned). And don't worry, your secret is safe with me ;)

bubzchoc Thank you :)

mersan123 That is a good question. Actually Arthur couldn't have done much had the situation remained the same, but something like this was bound to happen. I might have missed mentioning that Arthur started to keep his door open so he could hear if his father walked past it (he didn't actually sleep before Merlin came to his room), but I don't think it was that important. Telling an adult would be the way to go and even if Arthur doesn't know yet that Gwaine has connection to police, he or Gaius or even Lance would have been great choises. Inefectual parents are a pain, I know it too, I have been teaching for six years... I wish more parents had more idea of what they are doing... It would be alright if they were clueless by themselves, but their actions affect their children too and that is sad.

8OrangeMatilda8 Thank you so much for your kind words, I was a bit taken aback for how people acted... My 'favourite' was when someone saked if I'm Satan... But what is done is done and I don't mind that much really, but I felt a need to draw a line there... I really apreciate your support and your comments and I'm looking forward of reading more of them :) And yes, finaly! Merlin has tried to hide something he definitely shouldn't have for too long time. You really were right about Gwaine, please pretent to be patient to see what he does till next chapter ;)

Senile Feline Yes, for a boy only seventeen years old and with no previous experience or even a hunch that he would have to deal with that kind of situation, Arthur did very well. Even if some questions hurt, they had to be asked. It is not only Merlin who is a victim here and Arthur has the right to know so he can really help and be sure of what he does. Imagine if he hadn't asked Merlin if he had wanted it and then Uther had told him otherwise? That wouldn't have been pretty. You are also right about Arthur's help not being enough for long. This is not something a seventeen years old boy can solve by himself. And that you are interested in Hunith's thoughts... Maybe I could add some more of them somewhere... Thanks for the idea :)

Chibi . warlock They really could use a hug and some warm blankets :)

Angel Dove1 Yes, finaly! I have been waiting this too... Arthur is not in a nice place right now, he has no contact to his sister, he can't trust his father anymore, he doesn't feel that Hunith is his mother and his love has been raped multiple times for over two years. He is not alright or standing on a firm ground. Taking that into consideration, he did very well. I'm glad you found the changes in his behaviour and in the end you thought he did well :) The phone would be the key evidence that Uther would have no way out... but will Merlin tell it exist? We will see! ;)

CoolBeans100 You are right, Arthur really needs to get help, there is no way he can keep Merlin safe by himself. Thank you for your compliment too :)

Guest Thank you slightly hyper Guest, I appreciate your compliment :)

Guest whoa! That didn't even fit my screne! Aweosme! I first thought that it would be nice if you made up a name for yourself so I could immediately see it's you, but lets face it, I'll know anyway it's you :D To talk about your review, Arthur had to ask that question. If he had just asumed things, it would have been too easy to make him confused for example by his father. He had to set where his loyalties lie. As for the ass-kicking... how did you like this chapter? And you sre right, barging in with no plan or understanding of what is happening usually is a bad idea. Sorry Finna didn't catch that they werent in Merlin's room, she understands very little about football and she just didn't think that a teenaged boy would take her into a wrong room, but I hope you liked the way they had seen something was not right. police is not actuaaly informed about social sevise visits, but they can see them if they search the family (as you saw in this chapter) at least in my country. It's always good when things start to get official, when just some friends or something along the lines complain, that is when the victims can just suffer more and there is nothing that they can do (I don't mean that's always the case, but if there is a very serious case, it's usually wise to get professionals involved), but when it's police or social service, they actually have power over even the ritcher or very convinsing predators. What Arthur is doing is good mentaly, but in realyty he couldn't have changed anything by remaining silent. Lets see where Gwaine was in the next chapter and where he will be when Uther is arrested ;) You are right about the phone too, I'm so happy that I have written this well enough for people to get how Merlin is feeling! If the social sevise had gotten a call that Merlin had been raped by his stepfather, they would have needed to act immediately. They would have made sure to interview Merlin somewhere else trhan his home and if asked straight to his face if he had been sexually abused, Merlin wouldn't have been able to look normal. Even if he had attempted to lie, it would have been seen that he was scared. But he knows that and it's not like he is going to give the number to Arthur... Where we left in the last chapter, was going to work only temporaly, t only took a week to escalate to this and to the way or other, that was the longest this kind of situation would have lasted in any case. Uther only warned Merlin, but soon he would have gone to his son too. And then it would have been interesting to see what Arthur would have done... he could have snapped or he could have gotten even more protective or... I have a list, but that's highly boring stuff. I'm so happy to hear that you found the scene in the showere adorable, I actually made up the whole connected closets setting for that scene... It's so good to have your support, I relly enjoy reading these long reviews, I feel that you are reaaly there with me for the whole chapter :) Because of course I think when I write things like 'how does this part look like' or 'how did I do with this character' or 'was that joke funny at all' and you kind of cover mostly everything, so it's a pleasure :) so, thank you for your support! If you are not below shamelesly begging, I'm not below hoping to get more reviews like this :)

Cool I hope you will enjoy the whole 'escalation' too :) This really is a turning point and everything is changing in a fast pace. Thank you for your compliment!

thejammysod Yes, Finna and Tilly did what they could. They were not there to search sighns of physical or sexual abuse and while they can search for signs of Merlin getting too little to eat or being forced to do hard work or him having an eating disorder that the parents have been neclecting, but being undernourished because he throws un stress based... not so easy. There are no signs of him wanting or being forced to do that. But as we saw in this chapter, they still came to a conclusion that there was something wrong. Sorry for the long rant but I really am interested of how you think I portrated the social workers. You are very right that Arthur being over protective won't help anything, Merlin needs professional help and Arthur too. It is not right for either of them to be trapped in that house. Your analysis of Merlin's behaviour was also spot on...and you have quessed a lot of stuff correctly. I'm not sure if I should be dissapointed that I'm not managing to surprice you anymore, but on the other hand, I'm happy that I have been able to portrate Merlin's feelings so well that you can come to the same conclusion than I did, of what he would do or how how he would behave :) I'm sorry to hear that you had migraine, I hope you were able to read this chapter on time!

Caelanora Justice... what a great word, we really want that to happen here. Finding someone unconscious is a sign of a very severe situation... It would be the time to call an ambulance. Lets hope that there is no need for that, but I don't want to give anything away so this is all I'm going to say ;) I'm so happy too that we are at the point of this story where Merlin is not complitely alone anymore.

MillaMaxwell12 Yep, the pictures would be an evidence there that would leave no escape for Uther, but Merlin seriously doesn't want Arthur to see them... but lets see what kind of part the pictures will still play ;) I think we all are waiting for Uther to get what's coming for him, I am too... I kind of live with this story andI'm very eager to get to the better times... When did you guess that Arthur would go through the closet doors? I have mentioned them few times, I wonder when someone first thought that they had a meaning for the plot...

Skypeoplephoenix732 Arthur was and will want to Gips-slap himself for that question many times, but it was actually an important one. To see Merlin's reaction has left him with no doupt and now even if Uther tried to tell him otherwise, there was no way Arthur would believe him over Merlin now. If the question had been raised with Uther present, Merlin's reaction would have been affected by fear and that would have made it hard to interpret. If I actually added your subplot here, this story would turn into something very much different.. I wonder how high and with what Arthur would need to get for that to 'happen'...

superwholockotps No worries, I'm glad to hear that you like my story that much :) Yes, every child should have someone who loves them. It's so sad that in this world there really are children who are alone... but Merlin has many people like that and everything will be alright in the end :) And you are not bothering me at all, thank you for your review!

Cleopeia It always makes me the happiest when someone tells me that they have found my story real, thank you! I wish everyone who had this kind of horrible experiences or any kind of horrible experience or everyone in general had a happy ending, but at least with this fiction, I can choose. So of course there is a happy ending :) I understood your englis just fine and it's not like I have no faults, this is not my maternal languae either, so I guess we can be happy for ourselfs for being able to communicate like this :)

cheater I would have accepted it if you had actually made a new comment on my story :P You cheater! :D

Impatient review I'm not sure who you actually are, I got quite many Guest reviews for the last chapter, but I didn't take it personaly. I just had to say what I thought and change the rules a bit so we al could just continue and enjoy this story. Thank you for your compliment, it's ggod to hear that you apreciate my work :)

Swcky Arthur is trying to do everything by himself and he doesn't have that kind of contact to Hunith that would brake the years of him having to take responsability of himself in a mental level. He has also temporarily forgotten his sister, he is now only consentrating on Merlin... He has kind of forgotten himself in the proses also... I'm so happy that you found the last chapter that interesting, I hope you liked this chapter too :) (Oh, and I used to name you signed with so you could find the reply I wrote for you easier :) )


	30. Chapter 30 - Leon

Gwaine was getting annoyed. He was tapping his foot to the floor his arms crossed in front of him. His father was out of the office and his secretary had told him to wait 'your father is a busy man' Argh! Like he wasn't! His store had been closed nearly half a day and he was worried he had caused something happen to Merlin.

Percy hadn't been too surprised when Gwaine had walked in the office making it twice this month. That was unusual. He had let Gwaine to his father's office muttering something about doom when Gwaine had told him that he had seen Merlin's stepfather and that they had to go there.

Gwaine's wait finally paid off when his father stepped into the office. He was a powerful looking man who had the same built than Gwaine and hair colour that had been the same as Gwaine's but was now getting gray on the sides. "Yo pops, long time now see."

Gwaine's father sat to his desk and sighed at Gwaine. "So what do I owe this pleasure? Percy finally got sick of you, didn't he?" Gwaine grinned at him. People had a tendency to think that they didn't get along. That his father was a respectable man of high position and Gwaine was a good for nothing irritating son. But Gwaine had gotten his humour from somewhere and against the common believe, Gwaine and his father got along nicely and they respected each other. There had been a time when Gwaine had been wild and got trouble from right and left and he had fought with his father a lot, but later on Gwaine had understood that his father had seen a potential in him that wasn't 'because you are his son' kind of potential and had been frustrated that Gwaine did nothing to use that. He had loaned Gwaine the money to open up his small shop near where they had lived all his life and Gwaine had been repaying it a bit by bit.

Normally Gwaine and his father would have asked how each one was doing in a way that sounded more bickering or fighting than a conversation but today Gwaine didn't have time for that. "I need to ask you a favour."

Gwaine's father got serious immediately. Gwaine was never this direct and he only remembered Gwaine say those words to him once, when he had found that the old owner of the corner store was retiring and selling the place. He hoped his son wasn't in trouble. He actually usually wasn't nowadays and he had never asked for help if he had made an ass out of himself, but Gwaine's tone worried him. "I'm listening."

Gwaine grimaced. He had always hated the tone his father said that, it reminded him of the way he talked to victims and his workers who had some kind of worries. "I have a regular customer who I think needs help." His father listened very closely now. "I think he is a victim of domestic violence. He's sixteen." His father's brain seemed to function in high speed now.

"So am I to understand that he told you this or…?" Gwaine sighed. "No. I… followed him home." His father rose an eyebrow at him. "Remind me to have a talk with Percy about the importance of keeping confidential files confidential."

'Oops…' Gwaine thought, he would owe an apology to Percy. "So you say you think he is a victim of abuse, is there no other channel addressing this? Like his school or his friends?" Gwaine shook his head "No, he goes to my old school and unless they have grown a soul in the last ten years I think we are out of luck." His father nodded knowing full well how Gwaine felt about his old school. "The social service has visited him." Gwaine continued and his father looked at him from under his brows. He really had to talk to Percy.

"They found nothing and that kid is good at bottling up but I think he is scared to even go home and he's never allowed outside." Gwaine's father saw there a conflict in between his son's testimonies. Never allowed outside but is a regular customer… but he said nothing to that. "Tell me everything you know."

Gwaine spent about five minutes briefing his father leaving only out what he suspected about Merlin's feelings to Arthur. He also told him about his theory that Merlin might be homosexual and that his stepfather had taken his anger out on him. His father listened without a comment. He saw his sons real concern and he knew Gwaine was good with people. Especially teenagers, which might be because Gwaine himself had failed to grow up…

When Gwaine had finished, his father opened his computer and looked up the info of this boy. He skimmed through it with speed that one could only obtain with many years of experience.

After a while Gwaine had again started to tap his foot to the floor and his father finally leaned back on his chair and sighed. "So you have a hunch…" Gwaine nodded even though the word 'hunch' didn't ring well in his ears "and you want me to bend rules because you have a hunch." It wasn't a question so Gwaine didn't reply. Another sigh "All right. Take Percy and Leon with you and go as an extra. Loan someone a spare uniform, Leon should have one, he is like that."

Gwaine smiled at his father who was now clicking something on his computer. "There has been a robbery nearby last night. Tell that you need to check the area for sabotage." Gwaine grinned at that, he liked it when his father was like this. "And when I say nearby, I mean so near that for confidential reasons you cannot tell where it was." Gwaine laughed at that. That meant that the robbery had happened maybe as close as in the same city.

Gwaine rose from where he had been sitting to leave. "You really can be useful when you want to be you know that pops?" His father snorted at him but there was a small smile playing in his lips. "Now get out of my office and bring me some results." Gwaine opened the door and smiled at him sadly "I hope I won't have to."

Gwaine's father looked at him seriously and said "You would have been a great cop." Gwaine rolled his eyes "Really? Not this again. I really don't want to be the chief's son and you know it." His father didn't look taken aback "I'm not saying that because I want you to follow my footsteps, but because you have the qualities not nearly everyone working for me has." Gwaine snorted at him and winked "Yeah, yeah, let's see if I can change the world today, later pops!" and he was out of the door. Gwaine's father sighed and took his phone out. He had some calls to make…

Gwaine headed straight to Percy's desk and after telling him his father's instructions they went to get Leon. Leon was two years younger than them and was cheerful and easy to talk to. He gave Gwaine an extra uniform and laughed at him good naturally when Gwaine looked uncomfortable in this neat look. "Just the hat is missing." and he put his own hat on Gwaine's head. "Shut it Leon." He replied to the younger officer but still kept the hat. Percy also cracked a smile which made Leon happy. He admired Percy. At first he had thought Percy didn't like him but nowadays he had learned to notice his small expressions better.

They took a regular car and Gwaine sat on the back while Leon drove. "So what are we going to say once we are there?" he asked and Gwaine told about the robbery. Leon wrinkled his brow. "But that happened like a mile away from there…" Gwaine smirked 'a mile… much closer than I expected…' "We are not revealing the address of the robbery for confidential reasons." He said out loud. "Oh..." Was Leons reply.

"And speaking of confidential, pops wants to talk to you Percy." Gwaine's voice could have been mistaken as a nonchalant but Percy heard an apology in his tone. He sighed at him "You owe me a beer for that." Leon didn't really get most of this pairs conversations because it sounded most of the time like all of the sentences weren't said, but he didn't mind, it was fun to listen anyway.

* * *

It hadn't been many hours since Gwaine had left this house when they parked next to the property, but he felt it had taken forever. He knew that Merlin had been home at least two hours by now and he hoped He hadn't suffered because Gwaine apparently looked gay in his free time clothes. He had to count on Arthur being home with Merlin.

Leon and Percy exited the car and Gwaine kept himself behind them (being behind Percy wasn't too hard a task) and kept Leon's hat low, covering his face. He knew most of the people didn't have the same kind of facial memory that he had, but five hours was still pushing it and he didn't want Uther to recognise him. He didn't want to cause any trouble for his father by letting Uther report him visiting him unofficially… That would lead to his father having to explain why was he now dressed as an officer even though he didn't work as one. Technically he had the papers but he hadn't worked more than a week before resigning.

Uther came to open the door and he didn't look happy. His expression soon turned to surprise and Gwaine thought he saw a passing fear in his eyes. He had been right, he was sure of this now.

Leo explained their reason of visit and Uther reluctantly let them in. The first thing Gwaine noticed was Merlin's bag in the entrance. That meant Merlin was most likely at home or at least had been home after the practices. He touched all the shoes that could belong to Merlin, but he didn't find any that were moist on the bottom. It had rained 'till just an hour ago and it was to be expected, so where were Merlin's shoes? Was he not home after all?

While Leon asked Uther all kinds of questions of the house's security system Gwaine tried to find a pair of shoes that belonged to Arthur. Arthur had been playing football so there should be some mud somewhere… But he found none. He also quietly opened Merlin bag while keeping his eyes on Uther who was partially turned to other direction still speaking with Leon. Percy must have noticed what he was doing because he moved so he was standing in between Gwaine and Uther.

Gwaine turned his eyes to look at the contest of Merlin's bag. There was some usual stuff one of them being a towel that was probably meant for Arthur, but wrapped in it he found two empty cans of beer. Merlin had meant to throw them away outside of the house, but if they were still there, it was weird that Merlin would leave his bag here and not take it into his room. Gwaine didn't like this one bit. He closed the bag and moved slowly to see the living room. From the tone of Uther and Leon, Gwaine could tell that Leon was running out of questions. Percy stepped in to help Leon but Gwaine was still running out of time.

Gwaine then spotted some mud in the stairs leading upstairs. He moved towards them to see it closer. When he touched it, it was still wet. Someone, most probably Arthur had been in a hurry. Uther was telling Percy something sounding annoyed now and ready to throw them out at any given moment.

"Is there anyone else home?" Gwaine decided to speak. He didn't look at Uther but instead tried to find more mud from the stairs with his eyes. He saw some at the end of the stairs and he saw in his mind Arthur running upstairs with muddy shoes and making a hasty leap at the end of the stairs. "No. I'm here alone right now. My wife is at work and my sons are out."

Gwaine didn't buy that. "Whose rooms are upstairs?" He asked with a calm voice but his brain was razing. "My son's and my stepson's rooms and my home office."

'home office…' Gwaine took what he could to make an excuse, he needed to go upstairs. "Mmm… Percy didn't the report say something about sabotage in a home office?" he said vaguely and Percy caught on immediately. "Yes, there had been some bugs and recorders found from the home office in the place of robbery. Would it be alright if we saw your office?" Gwaine didn't know what Uther was going to say because he didn't wait for the reply. He heard Uther complain about this rude officer and he heard Percy come after him alongside with Uther, trying to pacify him.

Gwaine saw one more muddy mark. It was in a door farther down the hall, like someone had kicked the door. Gwaine tried the door but it was locked. Now this was definitely wrong. If the boys were out, the door shouldn't be locked and if they were in, Uther had been lying and that was never a good sign.

"That is not my office door, I would like to ask you to leave now. My wife will be soon home and she will be stressed if she finds police in our home." Percy tried desperately to buy time and persuade Uther but Gwaine didn't care of the cover anymore. He saw in his mind's eye how Arthur had turned sharply from this door seeing some markings on the floor and one in the door that suggested Arthur had kicked it with a muddy shoe. He moved to the first door and found it locked too. There was another muddy footprint that was partially under the door.

"Mr. Pendragon, I would like to ask you to open this door immediately." Uther silenced for a second before getting angry "How dare you? I have no obligation to open any of my doors. I'll have to make a complaint of all of you if you don't leave right now!" Gwaine looked at Uther the first time in the eye "I told you, open this door this instant I have a reason to suspect you are holding at least one underaged boy here against their will." Uther looked panicked but he wasn't giving up "I know you… you came here this morning. This isn't right. Are you even from the police?" Gwaine knew this nonsense could take forever and he wasn't from the most patience side right now. "Percy, break down the door." Percy hesitated for a moment but then Leon came running up.

"It's the chief, he has the warrant." This was all Percy needed. He took a tool set from his pocket, found a right kind of tool and started to pick the lock. "I wanted to see which of you were stronger, this door of you." Gwaine muttered under his breath so no-one could really hear and even Percy only guessed. Percy shook his head while picking the door. For some reason he had always been fond of these tiny tools and he found breaking down a door quite pointless actually. Maybe because he could physically do it (tried and tested).

The lock clicked and opened. Gwaine stepped in and saw Arthur standing in front of Merlin holding his arm in front of him and Merlin behind him his upper body wrapped in a blanket.

Their expressions changer the moment they saw Gwaine in his uniform and even Merlin had to look again to recognise him. "Gwaine…" Merlin said in a quiet voice causing everyone to look at him. Merlin's legs gave and he sat to Arthur's couch which happened to be in the same corner as they were.

Arthur just glanced at Merlin and then back at Gwaine who he now recognised. Leon looked back and forth from Merlin to Gwaine his mouth hanging slightly open and Percy looked at him curiously and understanding fully well why Gwaine had been worried. Uther looked furious and glared at Merlin while Arthur answered to Uther's glare. Merlin was currently looking at his feet waiting with terror what would happen next.

The first one to move was Gwaine who looked around the room. It looked fairly normal and there was nothing too alarming in sight so he turned to Merlin. "Was the door locked from the inside or from the outside?" That was easy enough question to answer. Gwaine was looking at Merlin but Arthur answered faster. "Outside, we couldn't get out." Gwaine nodded at him. This was enough to bring them all to the station.

Percy put his hand on Uther's shoulder and told him that they would have to move to the station. He glanced at Leon who took the hint and called to the station to call for another car. Percy made Uther walk towards the stairs and took him downstairs. Leon followed them leaving Gwaine with the boys.

Gwaine sighed and took Leon's hat off. He was mad as hell. From the looks of things everything had gone horribly wrong and that had caused Uther to lock them in and how Arthur had been protecting Merlin, it seemed whatever had happened, Arthur had just found out about it. Gwaine pressed the bridge of his nose and made himself calm down. He would have actually been void of being in this case because he cared for Merlin, but he called all of the techniques from the deepest parts of his mind he had learned from police academy almost ten years ago. He had to stay calm.

He slowly walked closer to them and concentrated on seeing if any of them looked uncomfortable. He stopped about three meters in front of Merlin and he lowered himself to his level. "Merlin, Arthur..." He said and took an eye contact to both of them. "Are you alright? Is any of you hurt?" His voice was calm and collected and Merlin looked at him bit shyly. He had never actually heard Gwaine speak like that and the uniform made him nervous.

Arthur on the other hand relaxed, he was so relieved that there was someone to help Merlin. While Merlin remained quiet Arthur started to talk like he wanted to tell everything at the same time "Merlin is hurt, his shoulder is bleeding. I tried to take care of it but I'm not sure and he threw up so he should eat something and-" Merlin pulled Arthur's shirt and Arthur fell silent. He understood. It was better if Merlin told himself. All that was important right now was that Merlin was hurt and that they had help now. Arthur trusted that Gwaine would believe them.

"Merlin, can you show where you are hurt?" Gwaine cursed that he didn't have a communicator with him. He had to make sure Percy or Leon called an ambulance as soon as possible if needed.

Merlin hesitated for a moment but nodded eventually. He trusted Gwaine and he really couldn't say no to him. He let himself slide to the floor and turned around and let the blanket slide from his shoulder. The wound was under the bandage and seemed well taken care off even if Gwaine couldn't see it, but that fast became to be his second concern when he saw Merlin's sticking ribs and pale skin. Merlin was way too skinny. Dangerously so. And Arthur had said that Merlin had vomited earlier. Merlin could be seriously sick or his abuse was way worse that Gwaine had even feared. His throat went dry.

"Arthur, will you stay with Merlin please." Merlin looked at Gwaine worriedly and Arthur just nodded. Gwaine looked Merlin in the eye and said seriously "I'm going to call an ambulance." Merlin looked at him panic in his features. "Do you have to? I'm fine, it's not that deep! It doesn't even hurt!" Gwaine rose his hand to calm Merlin down and to silence him "I'm not a doctor and I cannot say about your wound but you are too thin and I'm worried about your health. Arthur told you threw up, you could have a serious hypotonia."

Merlin looked at him pleadingly. "It's alright. I have drank water and I'm fine." Gwaine looked at Merlin in the eye. He wanted to take him to the station. He wanted to be present in the hearing and he wanted to make sure Uther would get what he deserved but he couldn't risk Merlin's health. Of course they had a special nurse in the station but they would be alerted if Merlin really had been abused.

"I would like Merlin to see a doctor..." Arthur cut in. Merlin looked at him desperately. He couldn't win against both of them. "but he is alright for now, so I think we could manage without an ambulance." Merlin relaxed a little. Gwaine noticed that Merlin wasn't as hard to read as he normally was. Gwaine felt like now he was seeing Merlin without protective walls around him. Maybe it was because they were in his home or maybe it was because Arthur was here with him, he didn't know.

Gwaine sighed. "Alright. But I want you to tell me immediately if you start to feel faint or bad in any other way, understood?" Gwaine's voice held authority Merlin had never heard in his voice before and he told him yes, before he even had time to think.

"Gwaine, the car is here. Pelinor came and he will go with Percy. We can leave as soon as you are ready." Leon was standing on the doorway and Gwaine smiled at him shortly. Merlin flinched at the familiar name and Arthur looked confused for a while. Gwaine tried to think if the youngest of the Pelinors was in the same class that Arthur or Merlin, but he seriously didn't know. He soon turned to look Merlin and Arthur without giving anything away. "Merlin, would you want to get dressed? I'll wait you outside, can you help him, Arthur?" They both nodded and Merlin was glad that he didn't have to be alone. Gwaine smiled at them and stood up to leave. He closed the door behind him and Merlin was left alone with Arthur again.

* * *

When Merlin and Arthur had heard the door handle turn they had both jumped up. Merlin had taken his blanket to cover him up and he had backed to the couch and Arthur had followed in front of him. They had both held their breath when there was a moment of silence. They could hear some muffled voice and they recognised Uther's annoyed voice. Merlin didn't want to know what would happen to him when Uther found him free, half naked in Arthur's room but his concerns were in Arthur. If Uther did something to him… Arthur wasn't used to it like he was and Uther was his actual father. That and Merlin felt that he couldn't take seeing that happen to Arthur, his Arthur who he loved. Merlin knew he would have to do anything to prevent Uther from touching Arthur even if it meant whoring himself for Uther in front of Arthur. He tried to brace himself to that possibility feeling every cell in him scream and he knew he was shaking.

After a while there was another sound. Like a key being put into lock that didn't quite fit and soon the door opened. When Merlin recognised Gwaine, all the tension left him. His strength to stand left him and he had to sit down. The whole scene was like from a surreal play.

Gwaine storming in dressed in a police uniform followed by one huge and one curly haired police. Uther was also there which made Merlin focus again. The rest was blur to him. He wasn't sure what happened and why, he just answered to Gwaine's questions and then something happened.

When Gwaine had mentioned the ambulance Merlin had been afraid that his mother would find out if he went, but it was stupid seeing that now he was on his way to a police station. He didn't know what would happen and he was afraid that they would ask about his drinking or about Arthur and that they would let everyone know what he had done including his mother.

Arthur was relieved and if he had liked Gwaine before, he loved him now. Arthur hadn't even thought about contacting police. He really owned Gwaine one and he hoped he could someday repay it to him. Now he was sitting next to Merlin in a police car holding Merlin's hand. It trembled a little and Arthur remembered how hard it had been for Merlin to speak to him. Now it would probably be at least two complete stranger or maybe Gwaine would be the other one? Arthur didn't know what to think of Gwaine's sudden career change and it didn't really hit him how strange it was that a shop owner was suddenly dressed in a police uniform until Merlin finally spoke in a quiet voice.

"So you are a police then?" Arthur also turned to Gwaine to hear the answer and Gwaine turned at Merlin "No, not really." Gwaine smirked at them but then he got again more serious. "I'm sorry I'm so late." Merlin looked at him surprised. "You weren't at your shop today…" Gwaine looked at him apologetically. "Yeah, sorry about that… " He was going to apologise for making things probably worse for them but Merlin was faster than he was

"Thank you. For coming." Gwaine fell silent, something that didn't happen often in his life. Leon remained silent the whole ride. He had never seen Gwaine like this and Merlin was the first underaged 'client' he had had so he was a bit out of his comfort zone.

The police station was huge. They had to take lift and Merlin looked at everything like it could bite him. Arthur soon moved next to him and wrapped a supportive, if not a bit hesitant arm around his shoulders. After this Merlin felt like everyone was staring at him but Arthur's hand gave him comfort and kept him standing while they rode the elevator.

When they finally stepped out from the elevator Merlin noticed he was in a different kind of environment. It looked more like office and less like a police station. In the first floor there had been people waiting and people being moved by officers and lots of civilians. This seemed more like there were only officers there. Some of them had a uniform and some were in civil clothes. Something else Merlin noticed, many of them greeted Gwaine when he passed. Some seemed like they knew him from the store but some gave him comments like "Haven't seen you in that outfit in a long time." or "So you finally coming back eh?" Merlin was confused with all this. Had Gwaine been police before he started the store and if yes, why had he left? Merlin remembered the time Gwaine had talked about his father and he suddenly realised that his father must be part of the police too. Gwaine's personality explained the rest. Merlin was quite sure Gwaine had had some kind of conflict of not wanting to do the same thing his father had.

Gwaine guided them to one room with two large blue couches and a low table between them. Someone had obviously tried to make the room more homey with a very tight budget. There were some pictures of sky and mountains on the walls and on a side table there was some glasses and a jug of water but what caught Merlin's attention was a small recorder with a microphone on the table. It made Merlin's stomach lurch.

Merlin and Arthur sat on one side of the table and Leon and Gwaine on the other side. Gwaine asked them if they were comfortable. Arthur said yes and Merlin just nodded not sure if he had any other options. "We would like to hear your side of the story, is it alright to you if we make a record?" Leon took it from there. He felt that he should be the one taking charge because it had been so long since Gwaine had been working and Leon had never actually seen Gwaine work as a police, he had just heard rumours.

Merlin heard the question but he really didn't feel that he had a choice so he just nodded again. Leon nodded at him and smiled at him kindly. "Would you like to have something to drink? I'm afraid that I can only offer some quite bad coffee and water…" Arthur asked for coffee and Merlin mumbled that water was alright. Leon rose to get them and Gwaine waited with them.

"Remember there is no hurry, you can talk in your own space and if you feel that you need to take a break, just tell me, ok?" Merlin felt a bit better after hearing this but he still had to be sure of something "If- if I tell you… will you tell everyone?" with everyone he mainly meant Uther and his mother.

Gwaine looked at him with a serious expression and his voice was firm "No, everything you say here is confidential. Because you are underaged we will have to inform your mother that you are here with us but you will decide yourself of how much you want to tell her. I want you to remember that you have not done anything wrong." Merlin thought this for a moment. He was scared. He had done so much to keep this all secret and now it would be out. He found himself wishing that nothing had changed and that nobody still knew. That he could still be alone in his closet and he didn't have to do this.

Arthur squeezed his hand and Merlin blushed. How could Arthur do that in front of Gwaine? Didn't he understand how it would seem? And how much trouble they would be in if someone guessed what they had done?

'Arthur… ' Merlin suddenly realised what it meant that he was here. "Can I talk to you alone?" He directed this to Gwaine who nodded. "You can have anyone here you want or none at all. Whichever you prefer." Merlin nodded. Arthur looked at him lost and he held his hand with more force now. "Sorry Arthur, but I think it's easier to do this alone..."

Arthur tried to say it was alright, but he only managed to nod. When Leon stepped in with Percy, Arthur let go of Merlin's hand because at the first sight of the two officers, Merlin pulled his hands to his lap looking like he tried to hide the hand Arthur had just held with his other hand. Arthur tried to remember that Merlin was scared, not ashamed of him.

Gwaine told Arthur that he could go wait with Percy. Arthur wasn't sure how comforting it was that he could wait with that giant but he didn't say anything for Merlin's sake.

"Oh and one more thing" Gwaine said when Percy was already motioning Arthur to follow him. Arthur thought that he looked even more huge in this small room. "As I told you, I don't really work here, so if you prefer, you can have Percy who is an actual police officer..." Leon opened his mouth in surprise "But aren't you…" He was silenced by Percy who nudged his side. When someone like Percy nudges you, you will be silent.

Gwaine didn't seem to notice this. He just turned to look at Leon when he didn't continue. "…already here…" he managed to continue under Gwaine's questioning gaze. Gwaine didn't reply and turned back to Merlin who said in a quiet voice "I would rather tell you…" Arthur felt a small bang in his heart. He wanted to be there for Merlin but Merlin didn't want him here but Gwaine he wanted. Arthur tried to swallow his uneasiness and he turned to Merlin and took his hands in his once more. "I'll be outside if you need me." Merlin nodded at him and blushed. Arthur let go of his hands and followed Percy out.

Percy led Arthur to his table. There was not much there, but at least it was in a relatively quiet corner. Percy didn't want to guess what had happened so he didn't know exactly how Arthur was feeling but he knew that Arthur had placed Merlin's needs before his own. It couldn't have been easy for him. Percy held high the virtue of placing someones elses needs before their own and he found he liked Arthur a bit. He offered Arthur a chair and started to talk with him about this and that and told him he could ask him anything at all and that he could also tell him if something was bothering him.

Arthur soon found that he was quite interested of the normal work Percy had to do and it felt better to have something to do. Also Percy's appearance didn't bother him as much when he was sitting.

In the room Merlin kept his eyes in the recorder and when Leon snapped it to record Merlin flinched. The recording made him extremely nervous and he didn't like one bit that his every word could be played over and over again. When Gwaine talked, Merlin did his best not to think about anything else than Gwaine's calm and serious voice.

He first read Merlin's basic info and a brief story what Merlin supposed was how they had found Merlin and Arthur. It felt weird to hear what had happened before the door of Arthur's room had opened, but most of all the way Gwaine made Uther sound like a… human? Someone who wasn't in a total control, someone who wasn't that scary after all.

Then the questions started "Merlin, can you tell me why you were in that room?" Merlin didn't know where to start so finally he opened his mouth to tell the most short version possible. "We- we were there so Arthur would calm down." That, at least would have been what Uther would have said, Merlin thought.

"Who was it who locked the door?" "It was Uther… he locked it from the outside." Gwaine nodded at him and poured him some more water which Merlin took gratefully. "Can you tell me why Arthur needed to calm down?" They were getting closer the subject Merlin really didn't want to talk, but Merlin still felt fresh how his protective walls had crashed down and when he made the mistake of looking Gwaine in the eye, he knew he couldn't lie anymore. This had to end. One way or the other, but he wouldn't be able to lie anymore. He too vulnerable and too tired for that.

"A-arthur was yelling at-at his father because he…" Merlin had to breathe and Gwaine stopped the recording. It was a relief and Merlin could, again, breathe. He wished he could just stop talking and sit here quietly for the rest of his life, but he thought of Arthur who was somewhere in the station. They couldn't go back to that house with Uther. It just wasn't an option and whatever these people thought about Merlin, he could live with of the other option was to give Uther a chance to hurt Arthur. Besides, Arthur had given Merlin the chance to tell himself, but Merlin was quite sure that if Merlin shut up now, Arthur wouldn't hesitate to tell everything so he finally nodded to Gwaine as to signal him that he was ready. The recorder began again.

"Arthur came to the room and saw…me" He cast his eyes down. He didn't want Gwaine to know this. He really didn't. It was in a way easier for him to speak because he knew Gwaine but he was also sure that this would be the end of his visits to Gwaine's store. "It's alright, remember, you have done nothing wrong." If only Merlin could believe that too.

"He saw me in my bed. H-h-handcuffed to my bed." Merlin saw from the corner of his eye how Leon turned to glance Gwaine but he tried to ignore it. Gwaine on the other hand didn't even blink. It felt easier for Merlin, he didn't want any reactions. He just wanted them to ask him straight questions, tell him that 'ok, that was all' and be gone to protect Arthur from his father.

Gwaine was starting to have a strong suspicion on where this was going and he didn't like it one bit. "Was Uther in your room when Arthur came." He continued ignoring Leon and concentrating on Merlin with all he got. Merlin just nodded and Leon turned to the recorder and told it "Merlin nodded." Merlin swallowed, his throat was again dry. He wasn't sure how he felt about even his movements being recorded like that. He took a sip of his water.

"Was Uther the one who handcuffed you to your bed?" Gwaine's voice was serious and Merlin heard a cold edge in it, but for some reason he could tell it wasn't because of him, but because of what had happened to him and that gave him just a little bit more will to tell honestly what had happened. "Yes…" he whispered in a hoarse voice.

"Can you tell us why?" Gwaine wouldn't stop until he got the whole picture and Merlin knew it. He swallowed again but his throat remained dry. He knew he had to answer sooner or later so he spoke anyway "I- I tried to get away and he- he doesn't like that he…" Merlin had to stop to breathe again. He was so scared. He knew that Uther was not here to hear him, but it didn't remove the feeling of him knowing anyway. He wished he could just be swallowed by the couch.

Gwaine didn't hurry him but instead he again shut down the recorder. That again made it easier for Merlin to collect himself even if it made him feel weak. He glanced at Gwaine and Leon too and he felt that they both must have something better to do than wait for his pathetic self to collect the nonexistent amount of courage he had.

Merlin took two calming breaths and then he nodded again. Gwaine turned the recorder back on. "He raped me." Merlin finally said it out loud and something broke in his heart. Like he had just admitted it to himself for the first time. Gwaine again closed the recorder and he massaged the bridge of his nose. This was just what he had feared. He was so angry and not the least with himself. He had been too late. He had made a huge mistake and Merlin had paid for that. He collected himself and made himself calm. He had to be there for Merlin now, there was nothing else he could do.

He again put the recorder on. He had to continue now, he had to keep asking questions so after that he could go and hit a wall. Preferably with his head. Or Uther's, he would decide on that later. "Was this the first time?" Merlin shook his head and Leon again told the recorder what he had done. "How many times can you remember?" Merlin shook his head again and after Leon had stopped speaking he said "I don't remember." to clarify.

"Do you remember the first time it happened?" Merlin could. He doubt that he would ever forget. "Yes."

"When was that?" Gwaine's tone was almost monotonous and that calmed Merlin down for some reason.

"In April, when I was fifteen. It was tuesday…" He only counted when Uther had actually entered him. Gwaine had to take a break again. This was too much. That meant that Merlin was victim of child abuse, multiple rape and all by someone who was supposed to be his family member. And had been for all the time they had known each others. He had never been prepared to this and especially when he knew Merlin. Everything made so much more sense to him now. Everything that could have been just something to come along with teenagers rebellion was explained with this. Something had always been off, Merlin had never seemed like he had fun breaking rules or that he even wanted to break them. Merlin had always seemed too old to be a carefree teenager who didn't care about consequences but also like a child who didn't want to be teenager just yet. Now Gwaine understood that it wasn't because Merlin had wanted to get drunk or skip school, it was because he had to keep himself together somehow.

Gwaine hung his head and tried to breath calmly. He had to keep himself together for Merlin. These were not easy confessions to make and as the pieces were clicking together in Gwaine's brain, he knew how hard exactly it was to open up like this for Merlin.

He looked at Merlin with sad eyes and to his surprise he noticed that Merlin was actually getting a bit calmer. 'It's not only that I know Merlin, he knows me too...' Gwaine realised and he knew that in this case he should let his feelings show. It seemed to calm Merlin when he could see that Gwaine didn't blame him and that he was on his side completely. 'And if that surprises me, I really am that idiot' he thought with just the tiniest hint of his normal humour before he continued "Before that, was there any pre-rape behaviour? Like did he make suggestions to you or touch you somewhere you weren't comfortable with?"

The change of wording from the super official to sounding a bit more like Gwaine didn't get lost from Merlin and he found it again a bit easier to concentrate on answering. He had been afraid that Gwaine would get angry at him or leave in disgust but the fact that his voice was still kind and calm made it so much easier for Merlin "Yes… He would come to my room and-and put his- it… into my mouth… and he-he touched me in- in his car." Merlin wasn't sure which things actually mattered like was that something that he had made him take his pants off or that he touched his ass, so he didn't say anything. He didn't want to make it seem like he was exaggerating.

Gwaine closed his eyes briefly "Oh, Merlin. If he has forced you to perform oral sex, it is also a rape." Merlin looked down and just said "Oh." He had to think for a while before saying "Then it has been a bit longer…"

Gwaine was mortified, not just for what Merlin had said, but also how calmly he was thinking of facts. How he had not thought Uther sticking his dick into his mouth as a rape… It made Gwaine fear what else he would hear. "Can you remember how much is 'a bit longer'?" He asked. He slipped again to the official tone. Even after all these years, it was still easier to go by the book. He now started to see that there was meaning on being formal from time to time.

Merlin nodded and answered clearly "About eight months". His voice held no hesitation and he didn't even pause to think. Gwaine could see how deeply rooted those memories were.

"Is there anyone who could have witnessed this?" Gwaine had to stick to his routine fast, before he lost his mind.

Merlin didn't think so. He just shook his head. "Did he use any physical force to make you do these things?" That was one of the questions Merlin had been afraid of. What if when he told them that Uther hadn't used any force (at least in the start) would they tell him that then it was his own fault. Still he opened his mouth, he had to tell the truth "No… in the start, no…" He wondered if that counted when Uther had squeezed his neck because that was just because he had yelled, usually.

Gwaine looked at his eyes "Merlin, I want you to remember that even if he didn't use any physical force doesn't make it any less of a rape." Merlin let go of his breath. He was so relieved to hear that. It felt like he wanted to explaine everything to Gwaine now. "Sometimes, more recently, he might use handcuffs if I didn't… behave…"

Gwaine saw red. This was like a textbook case of child abuse of the worst kind there was. In a way he was glad he hadn't known this before because otherwise he would have hit that son of a bitch when he had seen his face. Ages ago, probably and he would now still be behind the bars for brutally murdering a 'respectable businessman'.

"So this morning, you said you didn't 'behave'. What does that mean?" Gwaine decided to make sense of what that meant even if he was quite sure he already knew.

"I tried to get away. I- I yelled at him not to touch me." In a tone that suggested Merlin thought that he had done something really bad. Gwaine looked at him and gave him half a smile "That was very brave of you." Merlin blushed a little. He started to feel that he had made the right decision when he had decided to tell Gwaine the truth. "But this was the first time I did that… He handcuffed me few times before… Once I had fallen asleep at school and they had called Uther I think." He continued and Gwaine seemed to still be on his side. In way Merlin started to feel like a small child and he felt like Gwaine was someone adult, someone safe and there to protect him.

"Was there any other things besides the handcuffs he used to make you do as he wanted?" The question made Merlin pause to think for a moment. He really didn't know what counted as that. The recording stressed him but Gwaine was so calm that he decided to try "I don't know if it's what you mean but, he sometimes took … pictures." The last thing he had not said out loud to anyone. The one thing that showed everything that had happened in the most shameful way that Merlin loathed. He wished desperately that Gwaine wouldn't ask any more of those.

Gwaine knew he was nearing the heart of things "What did he say to you to do as he wanted?" Merlin looked down, his voice sounding distant in his own ears. "He said he would show the pictures to- to my mother. And that I deserve it… and… that I'm dirty because… "

Merlin had to pause to drink some water. He tried to keep in his mind all the things Gaius had told him and he closed his eyes and said it "I'm gay."

Merlin didn't dare to open his eyes and the whole room was quiet. Merlin bought his knees up and hugged them. "Merlin…" Gwaine's voice was kind and Merlin found some courage and he opened his eyes partially. Gwaine was looking at him with kind eyes. "There is nothing wrong with being gay and that was never a reason to do those horrible things to you. Remember that."

Merlin felt tears run from his eyes and he had to squeeze them close again. He tried to nod, but he could only hung his head down and rock himself back and forth while trying to will the tears to stop falling.

To Gwaine he seemed like he needed a hug so he clicked the record off and rose to his feet. He sat next to Merlin and said to him "Come here..." and opened his arms. Merlin didn't need more encouragement. He hugged Gwaine and Gwaine rocked his trembling, thin form in his arms.

Leon watched all this happen before his eyes. He was deeply disturbed from the story he had just heard. The whole thought of someone doing those kind of things to a child of only 14 or 15 of age while telling him he deserved it because of his sexuality, was horrible. Of course he had heard such stories in the academy but seeing one this close was entirely different. He had only worked as a police officer for two years and he didn't have that much experience of minors. To what he knew about Gwaine, he should be even more inexperienced than Leon was. He had graduated with either the best or the worst grade on every subject and after one week of working, he had left. There was a rumour that Gwaine still had his job here, thanks to his father but while Leon found Gwaine funny and great company, he had never seen him actually work as an officer and he had had his doubts.

But here he was, doing excellent job at getting this teenager get past his fears and talk to them. And that aside, Gwaine had been the one to notice the problem and find a way to get the bastard arrested. Even if in Leon's opinion he should have asked his father's help before he went to see a possible predator himself. Still Leon was finding new respect for Gwaine and he was glad that he could work with him today.

It took awhile for Merlin to calm down. It was a relief to be in Gwaine's arms. To let it all out, but when his crying had died to quiet sobbing he started to feel a bit self conscious and he pulled himself from Gwaine's embrace. He blushed a little, glad that Gwaine could still hug him even though he now knew that he liked men.

"Sorry about that…" He said ashamed of his breakdown. Gwaine ruffled his hair and smiled at him. "Anytime. Just don't want to make Arthur jealous." Merlin blushed like a tomato not sure if he had actually heard right. Gwaine winked at him and circled back to his side. Merlin was now extremely happy that Gwaine had shut the recorder. He glanced at Leon who didn't seem to get what just had happened. Merlin hoped it would stay that way.

After that the conversation was much easier. Gwaine asked him if Uther had controlled any other parts in Merlin's life and Merlin told him that he wasn't allowed to go out alone or lock his doors and that he had to sleep in his own room. "What would happen if you did any of those things?"

"He would say I needed to be punished…" at this point Merlin noticed that he had started to say 'he said I needed' instead of 'I needed'. It felt oddly liberating.

"What would those punishments include?" Merlin had to think for a while for that one. "Sometimes he would use the handcuffs and leave me there… but I know how to break them."

That didn't make much difference in Gwaine's books. He wanted to let that man rot in cell and see how he liked to be handcuffed to a wall for a whole night… "Sometimes he would make things hurt more… like he would just… shove …it there. And he pulled my hair a lot." Merlin shuddered at his memories and Gwaine noticed Leon look more and more uncomfortable by the second. Maybe he should say something to him too? But not right now, Leon was a big boy and this was his job, surely he could handle himself without Gwaine's aid.

"You told me that he handcuffed you because you tried to run… was there any other similar things he did?" Merlin had started to feel like all the things were flooding out now. He had to tell everything, get it out from his heart so he answered fast "If I would make noise, he would put his hand on my neck and squeeze so I couldn't make any more sound and… sometimes he told me to kiss him, but I never did and when I refused he- he hit me…"

Gwaine asked him next if that ever left any marks on him and Merlin nodded. "Do you have any right now." Merlin again nodded "Can you tell me where?" Merlin pointed at his side and Leon told the recorder where he had pointed. Merlin wanted to let Gwaine know more so he lifted the side of his shirt and Gwaine's eyes widened. Merlin was so pale that the bruise seemed to look even worse than it was. Probably the fact that Merlin had nothing to cushion any blow at all had made the impact hurt more and look worse. Leon described what they saw to the tape and in Merlin's ears it sounded much worse than he had thought himself it was. He had had worse.

Merlin started to feel tired and emotionally drained and Gwaine seemed to notice that. He told Merlin that he had just a couple of more questions and Merlin held himself together.

"Your life has changed because of this enormously. Is there anyone that you could say might have noticed these changes?" Merlin thought all the people around him and knew many of them had seen the changes. Merlin had made up lies so many times when someone or other had come asking him about his weight or tiredness or…

"Arthur… and mother maybe and Lance and… you. And Gaius." Gwaine felt the blow at Merlin's words. He was on a very short list of people who could have noticed and it had taken him almost half a year. "What are the things they might have noticed change?" He knew full well what things had worried him but there was obviously more to notice than what he could with few hours a week at most and Merlin always wearing a hood or a jacket. (That's why Merlin's being _this_ thin had surprised him so much)

"My mother had been worried of my weight… and Arthur… and Lance, my PE teacher, also… and sometimes I have been really tired and… grumpy… as Arthur told me. And sometimes I didn't feel good and I would drink… Arthur knew that also." Gwaine listened at him and then it hit Merlin that he wasn't talking just to Gwaine, he was being recorded at a police station and he had just admitted that he drank and that Arthur had known it.

"I- I'm sorry! I- I know it's not legal and … I'm sorry…" Gwaine just smiled in an almost amused way and said "Merlin, I promise you, you will not get in trouble here for having a couple of beers but what I want to know now, is when you drank? Was it always after something happened?" Merlin felt a bit relieved but he had to think carefully of what he said from now on about this subject. He realised that even if he wouldn't have so much trouble, Gwaine would. Like Gwaine had told him what seemed forever ago, his balls would be on the line if Merlin told that he had sold Merlin beer knowing he was a minor.

"I- I would buy one beer for when I had … tasted Uther, I got sick and I… I would drink a beer. And recently… I didn't need to… if I smelled his… " Gwaine understood very well what that meant. He had sold Merlin four beers every week for the whole summer and if Merlin had originally only drank when Uther had shoved his dick into Merlin's mouth and now every time that waste of space came, that would mean about that four times a week for almost two years. They were talking about more than three hundred separate rapes. Gwaine shut the record and took a hold of the bridge of his nose. He had done that a lot today.

"That means four times a week." Merlin nodded, ashamed. He was about to comment that it had not always been that often, but he was interrupted by Leon "That's disgusting!" Leon had finally cracked and voiced his opinion of the situation. Gwaine hit him in the head before Merlin had even time to misunderstand. "What this potato as a head is trying to say is that what Uther has done is disgusting and I couldn't agree more." Leon looked ashamed of himself and Merlin nodded slowly. He understood what Gwaine meant, but still the word 'disgusting' rang in his ears.

"I have just one more question." Gwaine could have asked more, but he saw how tired Merlin was and how his flow had been interrupted by Leon and by the look of his face, Merlin was relieved to hear that. "Do you know if Uther has had any other victims?" Merlin didn't know. He had feared for Arthur just recently but now he remembered Morgana… Merlin knew that she had left home and she hadn't even visited once. "I don't really know… but Arthur has a sister who seem to hate Uther very much… my room is her old room…" Gwaine nodded at that.

"Thank you Merlin. You have been a great help and I know it must have been hard on you, you did well." Merlin gave him a small sad smile. He was exhausted. He felt empty and spent but also lighter. Like he had opened a door to a world and he saw it right in the first time and realized that everything he had seen before had been twisted. It was at the same time liberating and scary and overwhelming but right now he just wanted to sleep.

Gwaine ended the recording by telling the time and his and Leon's names. Then he shut the recording machine and took the tape out. "I want you to have my number and Percy's as well… you can call me or him anytime if you have any questions or you remember something or just want to talk, ok?" Merlin took a handwritten piece of paper and looked at it feeling again grateful. "Mine as well… I at least have a card..." Leon offered him a card with official logo his name, position and work number. "and sorry about that earlier, I said something out of turn." Merlin nodded. It was alright, really. He had heard worse. He kind of liked Leon a bit, he wasn't as scary as Percy so he decided that if he couldn't call Gwaine he would rather call Leon. Also Leon was a bit easier to talk to, because Merlin had already told him everything once.

"I wish I could tell you could go to rest now, but I would like to recommend you a medical examination." Merlin tensed at Leon's words. He had forgotten the whole ambulance episode and medical examination in his case didn't sound comfortable. "There could be valuable evidence our nurse could be able to collect and at the same time they would check that everything is alright with your body." Merlin would have refused if everyone hadn't been so kind to him today. He pushed his fear and tiredness out of the way and tried to look brave. "I'll do it…" Gwaine smiled at him and Leon also looked pleased.

"I will alert the nurse. Would you prefer to have a male or a female nurse?" Merlin had never thought that he would have a choice on the matter, but it didn't take long time for him to decide "Female, please." Leon nodded and opened the door so Merlin could exit first.

The office was noisy and full and Merlin felt vulnerable in the middle of it. "You can follow me to a waiting room, come this way please." Merlin followed Leon and on the way he saw Arthur sitting next to Percy's desk. Arthur also immediately saw Merlin and rose to stand. Merlin faltered in his step and Percy also turned to look at his direction. Leon also soon noticed that Merlin had stopped and when he noticed what Merlin was looking he said to him "If you want you can take him to wait with you." Merlin looked at him thankfully and nodded.

Leon made a signal to Percy who nodded and told something to Arthur who immediately started to walk towards Merlin. Arthur took a hold of Merlin's shoulders and asked him as soon as he reached him "How did it go? Are you alright?" Merlin smiled at him tiredly and replied "I'm ok, I'm going to a medical examination now, would you like to wait with me?" Arthur said 'yes' immediately and they both followed Leon.

On his desk, Percy reached for his phone the second he couldn't see Arthur anymore. He would call Finna and after that her superior to tell that he didn't care of the case was closed, he wanted Finna here and he wanted her now.

* * *

'I am calm.' Gwaine told himself. 'Calm.' At least for now. He walked, calmly, across the office and, calmly, gave the tape to Percy who was now sitting alone and, calmly, told him to get hold of Merlin's mother and calmly walked to his father's office. His father was on the phone so Gwaine, calmly, waited for him to finnish. When his father put the phone down and took a pose that signaled Gwaine that he had his full attention, Gwaine snapped.

"The fuck is wrong with that asshole?! God! You should have seen Merlin he was so… argh!" His father just watched his son go mental. This wasn't usual to Gwaine, but then again it seemed that Gwaine had really taken liking of the boy. Gwaine had asked his help after all.

After listening his son's shouting at who his father suspected was the man they had bought to the station and then to himself for good five minutes, he started to get the idea of what had happened. He would have to make a call so Uther Pendragon would be arrested immediately, but first he would take care of his son. It wasn't, after all, like mr. Pendragon would go anywhere from where he was currently 'waiting' in the company of two officers in the fifth floor.

"Son, sit down." Gwaine sat to the chair opposite of his father's table and let his head fall to his hands. "Why didn't I realize sooner? Why has things like that have to happen?" Gwaine's father sighed. Gwaine was compassionate and it was a high time he learned that there were people suffering and it didn't make it go away by not thinking about it.

"Gwaine, listen to me, the thing right now is that you did notice and you did get help and that Merlin is now safe." Gwaine nodded at his hands and got quiet but his father could tell he was feeling guilty. "If you had done nothing, or if you didn't have sharp eyes for this kind of things, Merlin would still be all alone his life controlled by the predator." Gwaine took a deep breath and looked at his father. His father looked calm and understanding in a way that told Gwaine that he himself had gone through the same feelings he was now feeling.

"I know how you are feeling, but, right now you have to pull yourself together. It won't help anyone that you lose your cool. If I could have chosen, I wouldn't have let you interview Merlin. He is your friend after all. But now that it has happened, you have to help us with the case. Otherwise in the worst case, Merlin's stepfathers actions will go unpunished."

Gwaine ran his hand against his face and tried to calm himself. His dad was right… he had known full well that if he got involved in the investigations he would have to stay through the end. And still he had given Merlin the option to have Gwaine in his interview… He would have to talk to Merlin about this. If he took part of the team his father would have collect evidence and the case, Gwaine would get to know and see everything there was and as Merlin's friend he would have to get permission from Merlin to do that.

"I'll have to ask Merlin first…" He mumbled. His father was about to say something but Gwaine raised his hand in order to silence him "I will talk to Merlin first and if he says he doesn't want me to be in his case, I'll drop out." His father didn't seem pleased but Gwaine was not done yet "But if he gives me the permission, I'll make sure that bastard gets what he deserves." Gwaine had an intense look in his eyes and his father sighed in defeat

"Alright… you can ask him after his medical examination. In the meantime I'll have team collect any evidence they might find from the house and contact the mother. Before we let her meet Merlin, we'll have to be absolutely sure she didn't know any of this happening." Gwaine nodded. He was actually surprised that his father had given him permission to talk to Merlin before making his decision of working on the case.

"Thank you, pops." Gwaine's father rolled his eyes. This was one peculiar day. His son had not just visited him, asked his help and made an arrest but was also thanking him? What are the odds…

"Now go to make yourself useful in that shop of yours. I'll call you the moment Merlin is ready for visitors." Gwaine smiled at him weakly. It would be no use to open his store for an odd half an hour in the middle of the day but he could use the fresh air and a lunch. The station wasn't his favorite place in the world and he couldn't really collect himself here. "Sure, call my cell… " He rose from his chair and headed out. His father said nothing so he assumed it was alright.

Gwaine walked out of the office without replying to any of the comments directed to his sudden appearance or leading an arrest. He even pretended not to see Percy's questioning look and just walked out. When he was out he breathed deeply. The fresh air did wonders.

He made his way to one of his favourite pubs and ordered one portion of steak and chips and one large beer. 'Sue me, I'm not really working now…' he thought when he drank one big gulp from his beer before starting to eat. Somehow his food didn't taste as good as usual and he gave up on it in the halfway trough. He had to think of this. He remembered how his father had told him of horrible cases he had to deal with while working and Gwaine wasn't naive, he knew there happened horrible things in the world but seeing one so close up…

He had always lived in a nice area and he had mostly seen trouble in where it had been searched. He had witnessed beatings and even attempted rapes, but those happened when the people had been drunk, had been provoking or wore something that practically was more effective than a sign saying 'I'm easy, if I say no I don't mean it.'. Of course that didn't make it right but getting to know Merlin, an ordinary boy with a good head on his shoulders who never had gotten himself to this. HIs misfortune was that his mother had married a rich and seemingly good man (at least in the society's eyes, Gwaine had never been fond of rich people and this certainly didn't make him see any differently). He had done nothing to deserve this and Gwaine couldn't help but wonder how many more there were like him. How many other children and adolescents were there who had to go through domestic violence or abuse and had to be afraid of their safety every time they saw the people that were supposed to protect them?

HIs father had been right (again, Gwaine hated these moments when he realised that yet again something he had brushed off in his teens was right). Gwaine had blamed him at some point for not making any difference, that he was just poking at people's business to make their life more difficult. He had been seventeen and his father had caught him from coming home from a party where Gwaine had got himself wasted. Gwaine had blamed him for being a blind old pompous geezer who couldn't see over his own desk. His father had told him that it was true that the police couldn't help everyone. That sometimes even the victims didn't want to come to them and pretend that nothing had happened. That they couldn't be everywhere and that he had noticed Gwaine was unhappy but he had hoped Gwaine would come to talk to himself and 'not poke into his business'.

Gwaine had been angry and he had not been able to talk about what was bugging him until two years after and he realized now that even then he hadn't been able to really understand how important work his father was doing. He thought about Merlin and how he would get help now. Gwaine wasn't a police anymore but he had used the same methods and the system and he was smart enough to realise that this was the thing his father had been doing all his life.

The first time in his life he was truly grateful for having his father be a cop. He was proud of him and he hoped he himself could make the difference at least in this case. He prayed that he would have the strength to see all he was about to see and finished his beer. He ordered one more and waited his father to call. Whatever was waiting for him, he wouldn't go in that building just yet.

* * *

The waiting room they were lead was a small space between two doors. There was one couch and a chair, a small table with some plastic cups and a jug of water. Merlin was relieved to find it private and Leon told them he would let them alone and that they could call for him if they needed anything before closing the door.

Merlin sank to the sofa. He was exhausted and his relief made him drowsy. The room was small and that made Merlin feel more safe somehow. Arthur slowly sat next to him. Merlin looked at his face. There was worry and uneasiness and concern. Merlin didn't want to make Arthur look like that and he knew he was the one at fault. He had glued himself to Arthur's side and then left him to wonder outside. He had made their family break and it hadn't been even a day since Arthur had seen him tied to a bed his father standing next to him. He had been handcuffed by his own father and dragged to a police station. Merlin was sorry for him and he wanted to do something. After letting it all out, he himself didn't feel so much anymore. At the moment at least.

"Arthur… are you alright?" Arthur was surprised by this. In his opinion he wasn't the focus here, Merlin was the one suffering and Arthur kicked himself mentally for letting Merlin concentrate on him by being awkward. "Yeah… sorry, how was it? I mean you talked with Gwaine and …"

"Leon, the one who brought us here… It went alright… I'm just tired that's all. I- I actually feel a bit relieved… do you think that's selfish of me?" It took Arthur a moment to understand Merlin's question "No! Of course not. Merlin, you are in no way the selfish one in this case."

Merlin smiled at him sleepily and touched Arthur's fingers that were in between them. Arthur immediately linked their hands together and started caressing the back of Merlin's hand with his thump. Merlin smiled at him a bit more widely and Arthur thought 'At least this much I can do…' and he promised to himself that he would be there for Merlin always.

Merlin soon closed his eyes softly and relaxed. Arthur shifted a little closer to Merlin keeping an eye to his reactions. When none came, he moved to sit side by side with Merlin and put his arm around his shoulder and softly guided Merlin to lean into his shoulder.

Merlin shifted a little to a more comfortable position and snuggled to Arthur's side. Arthur smiled and he felt happy. He tried not to think too much of why they really were there and just concentrated on having Merlin by his side. Merlin's breath evened and Arthur felt him get heavier. He was asleep and Arthur was happy that Merlin could trust him enough to do that. He hoped the nurse wouldn't come soon.

* * *

A/N Hi! I am so sorry! I was so sure that I was supposed to update tomorrow... It was because I updated last time when I got off from work at five o'clock in the morning and according to ff, it was still last day... and even then I misscalculated, I don't know how. I just got off from work, went to shower and then I was about to see if my beta, Funce, had replied to me and then I saw a review and a PM about if I was alright... I am, really. I know that getting four hours sleep might sound extreme, but all my adult years I have slept about six hours per night, so this is not that extreme for me. Also, I might have phraced myself wrong in the last chapter, for many years now, I have used many hours af my days to just idle around. I have watched Netflix, been at my computer, read ff, done sudokus... but now that all seems boring compared to this. In the mornings I wake up after four hours sleep and I think that I cpould still sleep a bit more _or_ I could open my computer and write a bit... and every morning I choose writing over sleeping. That I'm getting off from work so late, is because, as many students I believe, work in a bar. My working hours are mainly in between 1pm and 4am. That makes my updating hours a bit inregular, but I'll try not to miss my deadlines anymore... Sorry again, I really thought I still had time. But really, thank you for your concern! It was nice to feel like we know each others in a way it matters if we are alright or not. Even if it's through internet and all we have in comon is this story.

Because I'm updating a bit earlier than my beta thought, I'm sorry if there are spelling/grammar mistakes, I'll replase this chapter with the beta-ed version when it's done but until then, please bare with my errors!

I hope you enjoyed the chapter, even if it was not that surpricing plotwise :)

And a huge thank you for you all who reviewed, I had such a good time reading your comments!

Chibi . Warlock It is very nice to get feedback, thank you very much for your kind words :) I think that in this case 'addicting' is a very positive feedback :)

insanereviewer The name suits you ;) You can take all the pride you want, I'll take pride that some-one writes me this long reviews! Gwaine is kind of a person who acts first and thinks then. Going trough oficial chanels can often seem too slow so he took it to his own hands. Lucky that his father is part of the system, otherwise it would need quite a bit of pushing from Percy to make him let someone else handle the bad guys... I'm so glad that you could read the rage Arthur has, in my opinion people can be angry without end with no violence and even if in the tv show Arthur did raise his sword against his father, I think it was more because of you know, the time and such. I wanted to write the fight without just shouting for the sake of shouting and without getting physical (more than it was). I wanted kind of make it so that Arthur's confusion and all the pieces and bits from the week finaly formed a clear picture. So instead of just being mad and loosing control, Arthur actually felt surer and the situation became clearer. He now knows really where he is supposed to stand. I thought of many ways for Arthur to try to get Merlin out of the house and he would have thought them too if the help hadn't come, but all the opinions involved either too much physical stress for Merlin, leaving Merlin behind for the time he would need to get help or the phone that he left in his car when he hurried to Merlin... So um, kind of a dead end. Arthur's and Merlin's windows are on the gardens side so even as desperate act as trying to get attention of a neighbour would not have worked. Neither of them has a computer either in their rooms because Uther. And that Arthur has never been that much into sitting in front of a screen so he hasn't bothered to try to manipulate his father to buy him one. The part about if Gwaine was going to get help must have been answered in this chapter already ;) Oh, and also, why was Gwaine able to get his father to bend some rules and go on his way to ask some favours for Gwiane when he went to see him? Precisely bacause Gwaine never asks for help. His father knows and trust that when Gwaine does that, there really is something going on. I hope you were satisfyed with this chapter too! Oh, and good job with the begging ;)

CoolBeans100 Thank you :) Oh, there is a lot to happen with Arthur still, but let's not spoil anything ;)

8OrangeMatilda8 I can't read that 'Oh, you evil person you' without hearing it in voice of Minion from Megamind :D Gwaine to the rescue! Now Merlin is in good hands. Now that he has talked, there will be help. I'm so happy that I was able to portray the social workers a bit differently. It would have been easy to dismiss them as useless lot, but I know that is not true at all. They do a hard job that can save human lives and they are highly under apreciated. The same goes for for example nurces un such... And I have very strong opinions of their funding. When, oh when will those who sit on top of tax money realise, that it would be better to put money on preventive health care, social servise and mental health care... anyway... I have actually never slept much more than about six hours per night, so four is not that extreme for me, but I have to admit that I had quite a long week at work and I just slept twelwe hours in a row :D That nearly never happens...

mersan123 Gwaine and thinking it through is not an usual pair... But he did underestimate Uther and he didn't think he would go and get Merlin from school early and that Merlin would be with Arthur at home... He thought that he would be on time even when he realied that he had made a mistake. Yep, now that Merlin has finaly talked, the medical examination will get us a lot of evidence. Especially now that it has only been hours after the last rape. But this is far from over and Uther will do everything he can to deny the truth... But now it's not just Merlin against him :) Lets see how this all will play out!

Angel Dove1 I had an serious Urge there to name this chapter 'The downfall of Uther', but I have had every character named chapters named since the start so... But I hope you got to do maybe a happy cheer or something when Uther was arrested :) Gwaine did make a mistake... but he is not that good at asking help and he had to be sure before he could ask his father to bend rules for him, going trogh oficial chanel would not have worked, the police wouldn't have moved if either Gwaine couldn't have gotten Merlin to come with him to tell what Uther had done or get some other evidence first. But he could have tried those! He might have been able to get Merlin talk if he asked straight, he was able to lie to Finna and Tilly mostly because they didn't know to ask for the right things. Had they asked if he had been for example hit, Merlin wouldn't have been hiding it so well... Luckily we didn't have to see what Uther would have done had Gwaine been late, but to be honest, Uther would have never gotten that far. Locking Arthur in there with Merlin was a very bad decvision for him. He just can't wrap his head around the fact that Arthur could turn against him. Merlin trust Arthur with everything and there is no doupt about if they are in love, Merlin just doupts that it will last... Thanks for the cyber hug, I appreciate those :)

MillaMaxwell12 That was early! I actually kept writing about the closet doors just for this purpose... Uther won't go down without a fight, but let's see how long that will keep him from getting what's coming to him ;) There are many who care about Merlin and all of them will be devastated and horryfied, Arthur's mother is dead in this version too, but she would be so agry if she wasn't that there wouldn't be tomorrow...

bubzchoc I hope this wasn't too long a wait :)

thejammysod Gwaine and great judgement skills... Percy would have rolled his eyes at that pair of words... Yep, Gwaine made a mistake there and he is not hapy about himself at the momnet, but he is trying his best to right the wrong. Oh, remember that episode that Gwaine was first seen in the tv show? I didn't think about it until now, but didn't he do a similar thing there? He tried to help Merlin but instead he got himself banished and the crooks could proseed. But then he came back as a knight and saved the day (even if he still was banished in the end...). Yep, that is exactly what Uther thinks. He can't think of a posibility of Arthur of all people wouldn't stay on his side. And you put it to words very well, this is not easy for Arthur either. He is also a victim here. You were spot on right about Merlin too, it breaks his heart that he's the reason Arthur's and his father's relationship is ruined. Remember how in that episode where Morgause showed Arthur his mother Merlin told Arthur how evil magic was and how it had all been a lie for the sake of patching things up in between the father and son. Even if he had to deny himself and he had no love for Uther in the show either. I'm so happy that you liked the moments between Merlin and Arthur, after all this I truly hope that I can write cute merthur scenes!

BluesAvalon Wow... That was very emotional for me to read. Thak you so much! I'm so happy that I have been able to write this in a way that gets you so emotionaly invested. This has been my goal that I was sure I would never reach. And I know that you have been with me from the start and that makes me even more happier to hear you telling me that. Thank you so much again!

Swcky Yeah, someone else too had the same problem with the app... I'm glad you liked what I did with the social workers, I don't enjoy the way they get so much heat in fiction either. I actually feel that kind of flames might make someone who would benefit of their help choose not to contact them because they believe that they are just an useless bunch of noisy people... Gwaine and Gaius both know Merlin well enough to know that he has feelings for Arthur and they both had to think it trough if that was something they should get worried about. I would think twice or maybe thrice if I would need to give my support or really have a talk with someone who was romantically interested of their close relative... In this case of course Arthur and Merlin are not related by blood and the feelings are not there because there is pent up sexual frustration or something like that and the other happens to be close. They would have gotten the exact same feelings had they just been friends at school. The only difference is that they sleep under a same (very large) roof. Yep, lets all be mad at Uther! But Arthur can't call help, his phone is in his car and Merlins in his bag downstairs... But we got help before Arthur started to make plans of escaping trough window so...

burliana91 Thank you :) That was a great compliment to me! I hope you enjoyed this chapter too and that I didn't interupt your working too much.

Guest and Guest Oh, there is a delay for guest reviews... so I got them both :) We will see the medical examination in the next chapter and there really will be quite a lot of proof to be found especially when the rape has only happened hours ago, but I might have a very long explanation of that all in the next chapter so I'm not going there now. I'm relieved to hear that I didn't lose you as a reader, can you tell me which chapters you were talking about? I would be very interested to hear. It really would have been a hell of a way to find out, but there are special nurses for this kind of cases and it's also a thing to protect Merlins privacy... It would have been quite uncomfortable to go to a hospital with a police car and some officers taking him... I'll try to keep updating regularly, I'm glad that many have liked that :)

Guest Thank you so much, I'm flattered :) I promise to keep writing and updating regularly.

Skypeoplephoenix732 Gwaine, thinking? Yeah, not so much at that moment, but to be fair, he didn't expect to find anything that horrible. He expected to find something, but not the cold rage he saw nor that Uther would be so out of control that he would abuse Merlin in a broad day light with Arthur propably with Merlin and all and definitely not to get him from school... Anyway this was such a bad coinsidence. Had Merlin left Gaius earlier or later or if the rain had started earlier or... But this kind of lash out was inevitable. I had at least two other options for similar results... But at least they are now safe :) Great that you liked Arthur in this, I better be able to write some cute merthur after all they have gone through...

Insanereviewer Hi! (Again) I'm alright, really! I'll just answer to other stuff, because I put about my being alright thingy above :) Yeah, this was your shortest review, it fit my screen! Morgana will be seen, but it will still be few chapters, I'm not going to spoil you what she is or how we are going to see her ;) Thanks for your consern!


	31. Chapter 31 - Freya

Merlin woke up when he heard the door open. The sound made his mind go back to his room and to his fearsw. His eyes snapped open and he jumped up. He felt a cold sweat run on his forehead while he realised he was looking at a bit confused looking Leon and a woman he had never met. He let his shoulders drop and he glanced at Arthur whose hand was still in the same position it had been around Merlin. He blushed a little and looked again at Leon so he didn't have to see what kind of face Arthur was making. "Merlin, this is ms.-"

"Freya, pleased to meet you." The woman interrupted Leon who just nodded and continued "She will be taking care of your examination." He made way for the petite woman who nodded approvingly at Leon "If we could step to the examination room? I'm sorry but you will have to either stay here or Leon will find you somewhere else to wait." She directed her last sentence to Arthur who had made a move to rise from where he was sitting.

Arthur looked a bit confused and then a bit ashamed. Of course he couldn't come in… that would be awkward and weird. "Actually, Arthur, I would like to ask you a couple of questions in the meantime." Leon told Arthur who was a bit relieved that he would have something to do. He nodded and looked at Merlin "I'll see you soon." Merlin waved at him and followed Freya through the other door. It was double door so if Arthur had stayed, he wouldn't have been able to hear anything from the other side.

Arthur watched them until the first door closed and sighed. He felt unable to help Merlin, unable to be there for him, but he still turned to Leon and followed him out of the room. He was taken to the same room Merlin had been interviewed.

Leon sat to one of the chairs and Arthur to the couch. "We will have to wait for a moment, Gwaine will join us soon… would you like anything to drink?" Leon asked Arthur and Arthur shook his head. He felt a little nervous but he was glad that he could also tell what he knew. He would do everything to help.

Still, in those short minutes when they waited in silence, Arthur had time to feel many feelings. It felt like he had a dam inside of him and the gates opened every time he had nothing else to concentrate on. Taking care of Merlin had kept his thoughts clear, but now that he wasn't here, Arthur started to go in circles inside of his head. That shouldn't have been a surprise. He was cutting himself from the life he had known all his life. His father had been his only parent for all his life and in a weird sense he felt like he was betraying him. On the other hand Arthur was angry, his father was the one that had betrayed not only Arthur but his new wife not to even mention Merlin…

Arthur played his memories of his somewhat distant father who had always valued Arthur's accomplishments more than Arthur as a person. The more he remembered the more he felt that he should have seen earlier what kind of a man his father was. He lied too easily and protected his own front with everything he got. He thought of his sister and how she had suddenly turned sour and angry and rebellious telling how she hated their father. How she had done everything in her power to manipulate and hurt their family and how in the end she had moved out as far as she could with still using Uther's money to do that. Arthur remembered all the times Morgana had stormed to her room and how many times their father had gone to 'give her a talk'. Arthur shuddered. That was exactly the same room and the same thing he had done with Merlin. Arthur felt sick of the thought of the same thing happening to Morgana. No wonder she never called or kept in touch. She must have hated Arthur too. For not noticing and for not being in the same situation.

Arthur knew it right then. His father didn't deserve any protection on this. He would tell everything he knew not just because he knew he would stay behind Merlin and protect him from that man, but because it was the right thing to do. For everyone who had gone through something like Merlin, Arthur would tell everything as he had seen it. The truth deserved to be known. For Merlin, for Morgana, but for Arthur himself too.

He would end the life as he had known it for that and in his heart he felt right and sure of his decision. It would probably be hard at times not to have father and he knew he would be ashamed of him for the rest of his life, but the more he thought about it the more he realised that his and Uther's relationship had been based more to Arthur's will to please him than anything else. His father would have disowned him if he had told him that he didn't want to continue his business and that he was in love with a boy.

While thinking it like that made Arthur sad, he knew that there was really nothing he could do. Even if this had never happened, Arthur would have had to choose to be either Uther's son or do what he himself wanted to do in his life.

When Gwaine finally stepped in the room, Arthur was feeling strong and sure. He would protect Merlin. The boy he knew he would have ended the life as he knew it either way. 

* * *

Gwaine had just finished his second beer and was stupidly thinking of getting a third one when his phone rang. It was too early to be his father so he opened it reluctantly and yes, it was an unknown number. It was probably one of his regular customers and he would have to make up an excuse for why his door said 'be right back' for how many-th hour… But it was Leon who asked him to come back to interview Arthur with him.

Gwaine groaned. He hadn't yet agreed to work on this case and he was somewhat worried of how much Arthur would want to talk to him. Also he had forgotten to ask his father what he was going to do for the fact that Gwaine wasn't employed there… it could wreck the whole case if whatever expensive lawyer Uther was sure to get for himself got wind of the fact that the officer who had lead the arrest was a civilian.

Still he promised to be there soon and he paid for his beer and tried to joke when the bartender commented on his unusual appearance "I'm not even sure I should have sold to an officer on duty." Gwaine smirked at him. "I won't tell if you don't." Gwaine had visited this place since he had been nineteen with or without Percy and he knew the bartender well. Nowadays he even liked Gwaine because Gwaine didn't have a tab to its max all the time.

Gwaine walked back lazily and bought some gum on his way. This would have been like his days in academy if he wasn't so invested in this case personally. 'After this is over, I'll take Merlin to drink somewhere. Damned his age and me being a responsible adult.' He thought that he could even invite Arthur but he would first invite just Merlin as loudly as possible in front of Arthur. He grinned to himself feeling a bit better. He had seen a long time ago how they were looking at each others. Actually that was one of the reasons Gwaine had taken so much time to realise something was wrong, he had thought that Merlin was troubled about his crush on his step brother or even being gay.

How he had seen Arthur take care of Merlin today and the way he was protecting him when they were locked in his room… That didn't leave much doubt of the nature of their relationship and that made Gwaine happy. He hoped that they would find comfort and love with each others, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to tease them at every change he got. He didn't believe that being serious all the time helped to solve horrible situations and feelings either.

When Gwaine walked in the interview room, Arthur looked determinate and ready. Gwaine smiled at him and Arthur nodded at him. There was an understanding between them. They would both do everything in their power to get everything right for Merlin.

When Gwaine had sat down and Leon had explained the recording and told Arthur they could have a break at any time he wanted or wanted to ask something they started. Arthur told them how he had found out about what was going on. He told how Merlin's mother was often out of the house at nights because of her studies and he told them how Merlin had seemed scared of Uther and how he had days when he was silent or seemed to be in pain of some sort or just slept too much. He told what had happened today and what he had seen. He told them how Merlin had thrown up and how there had been blood. He talked and talked until he felt that he had said everything at least twice.

After he had no more words, Gwaine smiled at him and told him he had done the right thing and that he was proud of him. To Arthur this was a new feeling. He had decided for himself what was right and someone was proud of him because of that. He wished bitterly that his father had been more like Gwaine. 

* * *

After Arthur had drunk some water and Leon had showed him from where he could get more coffee, Arthur was allowed to go to wait Merlin to the private waiting room. Gwaine asked him if it was alright if he joined him and Arthur was actually glad to have someone with him. Gwaine was the best option around, so he agreed with a smile on his face. They closed the door behind them and sat down. Gwaine took a glass of water and gulped it down fast.

After that, they were silent for a long moment. Arthur was feeling tired but also relieved and he felt lighter. He understood what Merlin had said to him earlier. He wished he could also sleep for a moment resting his head to Merlin's shoulder but that really wasn't an option and the hell would freeze before he would sleep leaning on Gwaine…

"So you and Merlin huh?" Gwaine finally broke the silence. Arthur snapped his head towards Gwaine and stared. He wasn't sure what to tell him. He hadn't asked Merlin if he wanted to date him after all this and he didn't know that even if Merlin did, would he want to tell it to anyone and Gwaine's question wasn't the clearest either. Suddenly Arthur was afraid that Gwaine thought that Arthur was the same as his father. He even found a new fear from inside of himself. What if he was like Uther? What if he would someday hurt Merlin the same way?

The silence was dragging and Arthur found it harder and harder to open his mouth. Gwaine seemed to study his face silently and Arthur wasn't sure what he saw in it. He dropped his gaze and finally said with a quiet voice "I don't know…" His previous strength gone and a fear of him not having a life with Merlin ahead of him was crushing his heart.

"You don't know if Merlin wants to be with you or you don't know if you like him that way?" Gwaine asked him with a face that felt to Arthur that he would determine what he really thought of Arthur with his next answer.

Arthur looked up and his answer came quickly and surely if somewhat desperate. "I love Merlin." There was nothing else to say and Gwaine searched his eyes for a moment and then smiled at him brightly. "Yeah, I can see that. You have to talk to Merlin and work things out, but if you ask me, everything will be alright in the end." This made Arthur feel better and he found courage to speak with Merlin. He would. At the first change they were alone.

Gwaine then decided that he had been too serious for too long and he started to tease Arthur mercilessly and soon they were joking and Arthur even found himself laughing couple of times. He felt high with all the emotions he had gone through today and Gwaine's company made the best of that.

After a while his stomach rumbled and he remembered that he hadn't eaten lunch or dinner today and it was getting late. "What will happen after Merlin gets out from there?" He asked and Gwaine swallowed his next joke.

"They are contacting Merlin's mother and after her story has been heard, we will decide if it's safe for you to go with her." Arthur had to say something to this. "I'm sure Hunith didn't know, she and Merlin are really close and I have seen them together, it's just not…" but Gwaine held his hand in front of him to calm him down. Another thing he had hated when his father had done it but now found himself doing exactly the same. He was getting old. In fact he felt like this day had made him catch all those adult years he had somehow successfully avoided.

"Merlin also said a similar thing but we will have to hear everything we can to make sure. I'm quite sure that you can return home today with Merlin's mother. My advise would be to get a room from a hotel or something but that's your choice." Arthur breathed in and out and let it all sink. He hadn't even thought that he would have to go back to his home and now that he did, it felt horrible. If he could, he would never even want to see that door that lead to Merlin's room.

"I have a question for Merlin when he gets out, but after that I suggest that you take Merlin to a nice date and get something to eat. Make sure Merlin eats a strong meal and if you can pass as an adult, buy him a beer too." Arthur looked at him amused feeling relieved that food was mentioned. He was sure that Merlin was hungry too.

"Are you supposed to give me that kind of advise when you are dressed like that?" Gwaine grimaced at him. "Don't bring my uniform to this. And besides it's Leon's. That guy is overly neat, look! He even irons the pockets!" Arthur just smirked at him and decided that if Gwaine was going to tease him about Merlin, Arthur would never let Gwaine forget this uniform. He was curious about what Gwaine wanted to ask from Merlin but he figured that he would find out soon enough so he asked instead if Gwaine knew any place they could go to eat and Gwaine told him how to get to the place he had eaten just a while ago.

After that they just waited and talked some more. Arthur understood why Merlin had been so happy to get to see Gwaine every week. His company had calmed Arthur and made him feel like there was hope and a future waiting and that he didn't have to take it too seriously right now. He would deal with the things when the time was. He wasn't sure if Gwaine was aware of what he was doing but it didn't matter, he was fun and serious when the time called for it and he was a great company. Arthur hoped they could be friends after this.

* * *

Merlin was stressed. The moment the door had closed behind him, he had been getting more and more uneasy. He had no idea what was going to happen and he dreaded the moment he would have to take even a part of his clothing off. He was embarrassed and even though the nurse looked kind and was kind of small, Merlin felt intimidated.

"Please, have a seat." Freya told him and pointed a hospital bed in the middle of the room. Merlin did so hesitantly and was relieved when Freya also sat down on a chair next to her desk few meters away from Merlin. "We will first do a medical examination to make sure you are in a good health and that nothing that had happened will affect you physically afterwards." Merlin nodded at her fearing the word 'second'

"Second we will do a forensic examination to collect evidence and get a full picture what has been done to you." Merlin nodded again but he felt now faint and there was a lump in his throat. "I will be telling you every time I'm doing something what and why I'm doing it and if you have any questions, you can ask me anytime and I'll try my best to answer to you." Merlin again just nodded but he felt a bit better at that. Freya smiled at him warmly and rose from her seat.

"Lets start with an easy one, I would like to measure your height and weight and get your temperature." Merlin stood up and felt extremely relieved that they could start like this. He followed Freya to the other side of the bed and stood against a wall where there was a measuring scale. Freya took his height and wrote it down and told Merlin how tall he was. Then she told him how to stand in the scale and she frowned at the number that she saw. Merlin didn't dare to look. He had weighed himself many times at home and he knew about how little he weighed but he hadn't eaten almost anything today and he dreaded to know what Freya would write to his papers.

Freya took Merlin's temperature from his ear which was quick and easy. After telling Merlin that his temperature was normal she told Merlin that she would next need some blood samples and a urine sample. Merlin was glad that he could go to a locked bathroom to pee in a cup he was given. When he had given it back to Freya, blushing and embarrassed, Freya had just calmly taken the cup and put a lid on it and put a sticker with no doubt having Merlin's info in it. Merlin started to relax a little. He was getting used to the petite nurse and he was starting to realise that she had probably done this hundreds of times and was obviously indifferent with stuff that made Merlin blush. That made him feel safer somehow.

The blood test went well and Freya's hand was steady and professional. It didn't even hurt. There was a short break when Freya told Merlin to sit for a while and press the puncture point so it wouldn't make a bruise. Merlin didn't much care about one small bruise but did as he was told while Freya packed his samples to a box designed for that purpose and writing something on the top of it. After that she made a brief call with her desk phone and put the box to another room that had a metal desk and some equipments stored in there. After she had closed the door again she turned to Merlin and explained that someone from the laboratories would come and get it soon so they would have the test results as soon as possible.

Soon after Freya was again sitting about two meters in front of Merlin. Merlin was now quite sure that the woman knew that it calmed him, when she was also seated and not too close to him. "I'll ask you a couple of questions now to decide in which direction we will take the examination. Some of the questions may feel difficult to answer but I assure you that there is nothing to be ashamed of and that I'm only asking what I need to know to help you the best way possible." Merlin again lost his ability to speak so he just nodded. He was doing that a lot today.

Freya smiled at him encouragingly and looked at her notes. "First I would like to ask about your weight, is there any reason you can tell me that has made it so low?" Merlin swallowed once and tried to sound as calm as he could. "I have sometimes thrown up and I- I sometimes don't have much appetite…" Freya nodded at him and wrote something down "Have you vomited on purpose or…?" Merlin shook his head and Freya looked a bit pleased. "I'll make you a recommended meal plan to get your weight to rise, right now the way it is not healthy." Merlin nodded again. He knew this already.

"Now for the act itself, were you restricted in any way?" Merlin nodded and told her about the handcuffs. "Did he physically abuse you? For example hit you or choke you?" Merlin nodded. Uther had done both. Freya seemed to wait and Merlin understood that he had to say it out loud. That wasn't easy. "Both… he would press my neck if I wasn't quiet…" There was something in Freya's eyes for a moment but she said nothing. Merlin realised that she found no pleasure what had happened to him and that she was actually compassionate person. That realisation made Merlin like this nurse a bit.

"Did the predator penetrate you?" That question made Merlin turn his face away but he nodded squeezing his hands into fists. "Did he use any lubricant or condom when he did that?" Merlin shuddered and he said with a voice he didn't recognise as his own "He used lubricant but never condom. He always came inside me." Freya nodded and somehow Merlin caught a sign of revenge in Freya's eyes. He wondered why.

"Did he ejaculate this time too?" Merlin had to think and for few seconds his mind was blank. "...No." He finally answered. Uther had stopped in the middle when Arthur had come. Freya nodded again and wrote something down. "Can you remember the time of the act?" Merlin could. He knew when he had been back at school and it wasn't hard to estimate how long it had taken for Uther to drive them home. "A bit less than half past twelve." He answered relieved that all the questions weren't embarrassing.

"Was the predator you blood relative?" To this at least Merlin was happy he could answer no. He also was happy that Freya hadn't asked him to tell her of the family status. This question also told Merlin that Freya hadn't been told of the whole shameful story and he felt really happy about that. It made him trust a bit more to Gwaine's word of this all being confidential.

"Were you in any kind of pain during the intercourse?" Merlin nodded before he could even begin to think. Most of the time he had been and today had been one of the worsts. It took awhile for him to list everything that had hurt today and Freya kept asking him questions to help him through the more embarrassing parts. It made it easier for Merlin who was not too sure if some of the things were supposed to hurt or not and how much because Uther was his only experience.

"Did you bath or shower afterwards?" Merlin nodded, not sure why it was relevant. "I always do…" Freya smiled at him a kind but sad smile. She really seemed compassionate. "I see… Have you ever had any symptoms afterwards? Like bleeding or itch or fever?" Merlin told her about the wound on his back and that sometimes he had bled afterwards. Freya again wrote something down and seemed to think fast.

"That would be all for now. We will now examine all the damage and collect all the evidence we can get. I'll have to ask you to remove your clothes and lie down to the bed." Merlin felt terrified but he knew he would have to do this sooner or later. "I'll get you a blanket and if you want to have a break at any time, just tell me." Merlin felt again a bit better. He had some control on this.

Freya exited the room and closed the door behind her. Merlin moved to one corner and took his shirt off slowly. He wasn't comfortable and he was cold without his shirt. Freya knocked the door before entering which Merlin was thankful for and she gave him a blanket. "You can wrap it around you when you are done. I'll be in the next room, just call me when you are ready." Merlin nodded and put the blanket on his shoulders.

When Freya was gone Merlin took the rest of his clothes off. He wrapped the blanket around him and sat to the bed. He took a moment to just sit there and he wondered how long Freya would let him make her wait. After a while he called that he was ready and Freya entered the room feeling that he wanted to keep pretending he had the control over the situation. She had a small metal cart with her full of instruments and sample bags and stuff Merlin didn't recognise and to his terror, a camera.

"Here…" Freya said and Merlin snapped his eyes from the camera. In Freya's ext anted hand there was a small tetra of pineapple juice. "Thank you…" Merlin muttered and took the offered juice. It tasted overly strong to him and it made his stomach clench, but he drank it anyway. "Not a fan of pineapple?" Freya sled him conversationally when Merlin made a face. "Not really…" Merlin muttered hoping that he hadn't seemed ungrateful. "Me neither, we used to have orange and apple too, but it seems that most of the people don't like pineapple so that's all that we have now…" Merlin managed to smile a bit. It would be great if they could just continue talking about juice instead of what ever Freya was going to tell him to do next.

"If you would first lie to your stomach and remove the blanket. I'll first look at you under an UV-light to see if there are any hidden bruises. I'll also take photos of everything I find for the police. Don't worry, you can see all the photos I take if you wish and they will not show any more of you than necessary." Merlin lied down and closed his eyes. He tried to forget where he was and he squeezed the blanket under him trying to be prepared.

The UV screening was actually surprisingly easy. Freya didn't touch him and she dimmed the lights. The only hard thing for Merlin was to hear the shutter go when Freya occasionally took some pictures, but the shutter sound was different to that Uther had and Freya always told him before she took a picture so Merlin soon found himself getting used to that. When he had to turn around he felt self conscious and he felt heat rise to his face but when Freya seemed indifferent Merlin again relaxed. It was actually better now that he could see Freya's face.

When Freya was ready she told that she was going to put the lights on and take pictures of those bruises visible in normal light. She told Merlin she would again start from his back and that he would remove the bandage that Merlin had on his shoulder blade. Merlin made haste to turn before the lights went on.

Freya was gentle and she told all the time what she was doing. She also told Merlin that she hadn't seen anything that wouldn't heal in time. That made Merlin relieved. When Freya had taken the bandage off she praised whoever had put it in place. Merlin smiled at his blanket which was again under him and thought about Arthur. Arthur who had helped him so much. Arthur whom he loved. Arthur who would have to live with Merlin being tainted and used. This thought made Merlin heart sank once more. He wanted to be with Arthur and he wanted Arthur but he felt it hard to feel confident that Arthur would want him or that he wouldn't eventually get disgusted with him. Merlin also felt it very hard to think of the possibility of showing himself to Arthur like this. He felt his eyes get moist and he breathed in a shaky breath. He couldn't cry now.

"Am I hurting you in any way?" Freya sounded worried and Merlin shook his head. He didn't look at Freya and kept his eyes closed, but he could imagine her smiling gently "It has been a long day hasn't it…?" Merlin nodded to his blanket and Freya continued her work. She took a photo of the wound too before dressing it again. "That will probably scar, I'm sorry to say." That felt like a stab in Merlin's heart. He had feared as much. Now there would be something carved to his skin by Uther for the rest of his life.

"Now if you could turn to your back. Merlin opened his eyes and slowly turned. He kept his gaze in the ceiling and didn't even glance at Freya. She took some more photos, always informing him before hand. When it was time for his legs she asked him to open them a bit. That made Merlin highly uncomfortable, but he didn't want a brake when Freya suggested one, he was sure that if he stopped now, he wouldn't be able to continue anymore.

There were some bruises where Uther had forced his legs open and Freya made some questions of them. She also noticed the scar Merlin had in his leg. "How did you get this wound?" Merlin was hesitate to answer because he felt deep shame with the truth. "I did it myself… I won't do it again." Merlin was quick to add.

Freya nodded and made few notes. She also asked what had been the instrument and if it had been clean or if the wound had infected afterwards. After Merlin had answered the best he could painfully obvious that he was still laying there naked Freya asked one last question that surprised Merlin "Was there a specific reason that made you do this you would like to talk about?" Merlin felt shame and he remembered exactly why. He tried to keep in his mind what he had read after he had stormed out of Lance's class and suddenly he didn't momentarily feel embarrassed and his curiosity and will to find out more won. "I wanted to forget… I- I once… came when…" He turned his face away from Freya. He felt weird saying that out loud. When Freya answered her voice was calm and light but serious. "I understand that you wanted to forget, but I want you to know that male body is built so that it is not only pleasure that makes a man get erected or even ejaculate. Sometimes when the situation is scary it can happen. You have nothing to be ashamed of."

Merlin let out a breath he hadn't realised he had been holding. "So I'm not a sick masochist or…" He had to make sure and now he could look straight at Freya's eyes who returned his gaze with a calm certainty "No. Never think that. Whatever the predator had told you or made you believe, remember that there is nothing wrong with you and you are not to blame of anything." Merlin relaxed and he finally managed to forget that he was laying naked in front of a woman.

"Just Merlin, I can call you Merlin right?" Merlin nodded at her. She could call him anything she wanted. "I want you to remember that even if you feel the life hard or unbearable at some point, never hurt yourself again." Her voice was serious and even though Merlin had already decided a long time ago that he wouldn't do that again he found himself surprisingly serious when he said "I promise." Freya smiled at him warmly, relieved. Merlin felt warm inside. He felt like Freya truly cared what had and would happen to him.

"I'll now proceed to genital examination and collecting possible DNA samples. This might feel uncomfortable, but please bear with me. This is the best way to get undeniable evidence against the predator." Merlin swallowed but nodded. "If you would first sit on the edge of the bed, I'll start with genital examination." Merlin did as he was told and he saw Freya change her rubber gloves to a pair of new ones. When she sat directly in front of him, Merlin closed his eyes. Freya was telling what she was doing but Merlin didn't want to hear or feel so he concentrated on the noise inside of his head and imagined himself far from here. He snapped out of it when he felt his penis twitch and he moved fast to cover himself with his hands and blanket.

Freya looked at him and smiled kindly again "There is nothing to be ashamed for. As I told you your reaction is totally normal and there is nothing unusual. And believe me I have seen much worse." Merlin almost smiled at her comment. He relaxed a bit and removed his hands slowly. Still he needed to somehow explain to this nice person that he really wasn't lusting over her or something so he blurted out "I'm gay…" Freya rose her gaze looking surprised and Merlin immediately regretted what he had said, but Freya soon smiled at him again.

"See, just like I told you." Merlin relaxed immediately. He was starting to feel that he really would be alright and that he wasn't sick on his mind. Maybe there would be a time he could live a normal life even if he was gay… He again thought of Arthur but he quickly pushed those thoughts away. This really wasn't the time or place to dwell on that.

"Lets do it this way, put your hand on top of mine, it might help you feel more comfortable." Merlin put his hand on top of Freya's gloved, small hand hesitantly. When Freya moved her hand, Merlin's hand moved with hers. At one point when Freya moved too fast, Merlin's hand tensed and Freya's hand froze on the spot. When Merlin relaxed again, Freya continued. This made Merlin feel like he was in control of what happened in a whole new way and that felt very good.

When Freya was ready she told Merlin that now he could turn to lie on his side. Merlin didn't want to let go of Freya's small warm hand so he followed it with his hand when Freya pulled back. Freya smiled and removed her glove. She turned her hand and for a moment she held Merlin's hand in hers. Merlin liked Freya. He was happy to have her as his nurse. Merlin squeezed her hand briefly and lied down to his side.

"Alright, are you ready?" Merlin nodded. Freya put the blanket to cover Merlin's upper body so he wouldn't feel cold and then she took a pair of new gloves. Merlin flinched When he heard a same kind of cap pop Uther's lube had and when Freya explained what she was going to do and showed him what was going to go inside of him Merlin felt his throat dry. "Can- can I again put my hand on top of yours?" He asked and Freya told him he could. Merlin let out a deep breath and Freya guided his hand on top of hers.

The anal examination felt horrible but Merlin concentrated on keeping his hand on top of Freya's and that kept him calm enough. When it was all over Freya cleaned his behind with something soft and told him that now he could put his clothes on. Merlin wrapped the blanket around him and almost ran to his clothes. Freya sealed some bags and she was turned to another direction so Merlin didn't dare to ask her to leave and he just dressed himself partly under the blanket. Freya didn't turn around until Merlin told her that he was ready. Merlin wanted to thank her so much for being so patient and considerate but he didn't know how to.

After that everything was easy. Freya warped a wooden stick inside of his mouth hand took some dirt from under his fingernails and clipped the ends of his nails. She found something that she told him looked a lot like skin. She asked if Merlin had scratched Uther when he was trying to resist. Merlin didn't remember if he had, but he told her that maybe when Uther had pulled his arm and made him fall he had tried to take a hold of something. Freya wrote that down and she then told Merlin again for what reason each and every sample would be used and she also showed him the pictures she had taken when Merlin told her he wanted to see them. He was happy to see that the pictures were really showing only his wounds and bruises and the bare minimum so one could tell from which body part was in question. The DNA samples made Merlin a bit uncomfortable until he realised that at least if Uther told the police the same lie as he had told to Arthur that he had seen some man exit the house and he had found Merlin like that, it wouldn't work. If anything could make Merlin more miserable in this situation it would be everyone thinking he had lied and that he had an older boyfriend and that Merlin liked being handcuffed by him and getting beaten while having sex.

"If you have any concerns or if you feel unwell or there are any symptoms of illness like fever, rash or soreness, please call me anytime to this number." Freya gave Merlin her card and a piece of paper folded in two. "There is some brief information of the most common symptoms and what could have caused them and what you should do if you notice any of them. Please read it through." Merlin took them and nodded at Freya. "Thank you…" He could finally say to her.

Freya smiled at him and said "It's just my job, but I'm happy to make a difference. That's why I'm here." Merlin felt warm and he squeezed the paper against his chest. He was glad that there were people like this in this world. He thought about Gaius and how he had been a doctor. Maybe his reasons had been similar? Merlin would have to ask next time he saw Gaius, he was sure that he had been as amazing doctor as Freya was a nurse. He told Freya good bye and Freya walked him to the door he had come from. Merlin wondered if Arthur was waiting for him at the same time he tried not to dwell on how he had to tell Gaius and probably to Gwen and how his mother would at least find out rather sooner than later.

Freya opened the inner door and Merlin turned the handle of the second door. He was pleased to see Arthur sitting in the waiting room and surprised to see Gwaine with him. They sounded like they were having fun and Merlin smiled at that. He was happy to see something normal.

Arthur jumped up at the sight of Merlin and Merlin saw Gwaine roll his eyes behind him. Merlin blushed a little. "I'll give you a call as soon as the tests are ready. Take care Merlin." Merlin turned to smile at Freya and hoped he could see her again someday. "Thank you, I'll be fine." he said and for the first time in a long while he really felt that way. Freya smiled at him and Arthur and Gwaine telling Gwaine to make sure that Merlin got something to eat and drink soon and she waited Gwaine to nod at her before closing the door.

"Merlin… " Arthur started but Gwaine cut him off. "As much I would enjoy seeing your lovely reunion, I need to talk to you Merlin." Merlin was surprised at Gwaine's tone and he feared for the worst, a habit he had grown during the last years. Merlin nodded Arthur took a hold of his hand "Can Arthur stay…?" Merlin asked a bit embarrassed. Gwaine looked a bit amused and Merlin relaxed. "Yeah, sure. I don't want to be the one to tell your boyfriend that I want to be alone with you in a small closed room." Merlin blushed deep red and even Arthur had enough sense to let go of Merlin's hand. "Shut it Gwaine!" He snarled at him. Arthur was fine with Gwaine teasing him but he couldn't laugh at it yet when Merlin was present. "Ok, ok! Just calm down! Lets all sit down, shall we…" Gwaine rose his hands up in surrender and sat down again. Merlin followed suit but Arthur took a deep breath and huffed before he sat in the corner next to Merlin his arms crossed in front of his chest. If Merlin wasn't so uneasy he would have concentrated more on how childishly cute Arthur looked at the moment.

"The thing is that I have been asked to participate on your case because I was there and all." Merlin understood immediately what that meant. His friend would see and hear everything. He would meet Uther and he would know everything Merlin had kept hidden from him and he would get to know every lie Merlin had made during the time they had known each others. "You will see the photos…" He said in a quiet voice looking at his lap. That somehow summed up everything he was uneasy of.

He saw both Arthur and Gwaine shift "What photos?" Gwaine had totally forgotten that Merlin had mentioned them in his interview. Merlin squirmed where he sat "He- he took pictures of me with his cellphone…" Merlin didn't even have time to react when Gwaine had jumped up from the chair and opened the door "Leon! Leon!… Coleman! Tell Percy to get Uther Pendragon's cellphone five minutes ago! And tell Leon as soon as you see him to sent it to IT asap!"

They heard a woman's voice reply to him before Gwaine closed the door again. Merlin looked at any direction but to neither of them. He could almost hear Arthur's brain turn next to him, but he remained quiet. Merlin was thankful of that. Gwaine sat back to the chair and once more looked directly at Merlin "I wanted to ask you, if it's alright if I join the team?" Merlin looked at his eyes surprised. He was actually given an option. Gwaine looked serious and Merlin knew that it was important to him. Gwaine wanted to do everything to help him.

Merlin felt torn. He didn't want Gwaine to see especially the photos but he trusted Gwaine and in a way he felt relieved that there would be one less stranger seeing his most embarrassing secrets. Finally he took a deep breath and nodded. "Alright… just- just please don't hate me for …" Gwaine didn't even let him finish "I won't. But I'll have to make Percy make sure I won't punch that asshole in the face the second I see him." Merlin half smiled at that.

"Now, as an official police officer, I want you two out of here and get something to eat. I'll give you my cell, there is Percy's number in speed dial number two, just call him if you need something." Merlin nodded at him. He was happy to get out and even if his sense of hunger had dulled and it was mainly irregular he knew he would feel better with the world after he ate something. Arthur wondered briefly why Gwaine had Percy's number in his first speed dial but decided against asking.

Gwaine walked them to the elevator after giving Merlin an old cellphone with no touch screen nor camera. It felt a bit nostalgic to Merlin and he felt he liked this one better than the one Uther had bought him. Gwaine also gave them instructions on how to get back to the seventh floor. "If there is an old man on the front desk that looks like he eats lemons and little children as breakfast, tell him Percy told you to get here. If you mention my name he won't let you pass, I can promise you that much." Arthur moved towards the elevator to call it up while Merlin hugged Gwaine. "Thank you…" He muttered to his shoulder and Gwaine patted his back. "No, thank you for giving me a chance to make myself useful." Merlin shook his head against his shoulder. Gwaine had saved him and Arthur also. He would be thankful for that the rest of his life. When the elevator beefed to signal the doors were opening, Merlin let go of Gwaine and was about to follow Arthur to the elevator when Finna stepped out of the said elevator.

Merlin had in no way prepared to see this woman and he took an unconscious step back. In a twisted way he was afraid of her. It had nothing to do with how she had talked to him or what she had done or how she looked, but for a moment Merlin felt that he would be punished for seeing her. Then she spotted him. "Oh! My goodness you are here! Merlin, you remember me? We met just a week ago…" She seemed like she had run or something along the lines and she seemed genuinely happy to see Merlin and somehow when she walked towards him, Merlin relaxed with every step.

"Yeah… I remember you…" He said timidly. Like he would ever forget any of them, but he suddenly felt shy and very much sorry that he had lied to this woman. Finna stopped just a pace in front of him making Merlin remember how everyone had stayed at least a metre apart from him today. Even Arthur had not been in front of his face like this today, but it was alright and when Finna talked to him (obviously knowing what had happened), she didn't talk to him like she thought he was broken or fragile and that made Merlin feel momentarily that maybe he wasn't.

"Love, how are you feeling? Has these savages let you eat anything? I bet all you have had is some bad coffee and donuts…" Her voice was just the right amount of concerned and joking and Merlin was kind of starting to feel that if this woman had asked the questions from him a week ago, he wouldn't have been able to hold it together. "In my experience it's more take away sandwiches and lukewarm soda…" Gwaine muttered a step behind Merlin and Merlin felt a small smile tuck his lips. "Umm, I'm going to eat now…" He managed and Finna smiled at him brightly.

"You do that love. Oh, hello Arthur, wherever I must have lost my manners today…" Finna turned to Arthur who was now standing next to Merlin too. Merlin had no idea when he had moved.

"It's alright, nice to meet you again." Arthur replied in the same polite tone he had used with his father the last weeks and that was a dead give-away for Merlin that Arthur didn't like Finna. At all. Finna gave Arthur a look that said that she was not clueless, but that she was… used to this? Merlin found himself thinking that her job must not be the easiest one. Her job… yes, this was just work for her, Merlin was just another day at work for her… That thought made the slightly warm safe feeling evaporate and Merlin again felt fragile.

"Merlin, before you go, I'd like to tell you that your mother is downstairs, she is with Percival right now." Finna had again turned to Merlin and he felt every muscle tense in his body. He felt sick.

"Merlin… can you hear me?" Finna asked gently and Merlin focused back to her. He must have looked awful. "You are underaged, so we had to contact your mother, but I want you to know that you have the absolute control of this situation. Everything you have told today, will remain confidential. We will only have to interview her and tell her that her husband is under arrest and for what crime. I'm afraid that your name will be mentioned, but that is all. If you need time to think of when and how you want to see her, you will have that time. I will make sure of it."

It felt like having to learn how to breath again, but if before Merlin had needed straight questions to even be able to open his mouth, now hearing Finna say that he didn't need to see his mother just yet awakened a new desperation inside of him. He wanted to see his mother. "I need her… She didn't know anything, I swear! Please…" He almost begged and Finna's features softened to a gentle smile. "Whatever you need, love. You can see her whenever you want, but I want you to know that I will need to be present, is that alright to you?" Merlin nodded while wiping some moisture from his eyes.

"But I don't want to be there when… I- can- could you tell her?" Merlin continued feeling that even if he would have to see what his mother thought about him after this, he didn't want to see her when she first got to know. "Yes, I can tell her. How much do you want her to know?" Finna told him gently and Merlin gave something that was between a short laugh and a sob "I don't care… everything." Finna nodded at him, understanding. "Alright love. Now… why don't you go and have some food and I will take care of everything here. We will see each others soon." Merlin just nodded at her, but when she was about to step back, he blurted out "Thank you… even if it's just work for you…" He wasn't sure why he had said this, in a way it felt like there was no filters anymore and if it had crossed his mind, it had to come out of his mouth.

Finna stopped dead before she reached for Merlin's hands. "Merlin, that this is my work doesn't mean I care any less. Remember that, we all care about you and your wellbeing here." She said in a firm but kind and the tiniest bit pitying voice. Merlin felt embarrassed but the warm feeling was back. "Oh…" was the most intelligent thing his brain could come up with apparently. Finna just smiled at him. "Now off you go, Arthur, you will take care of him right?"

"Yes, I will." Arthur replied and he didn't sound sour anymore. Merlin felt that he could live with this. It was a very weird feeling after all this time and he wasn't sure if it made him feel glad or devastated, so he choose not to think about it right now. He would just go and eat something, with Arthur. "Merlin, get yourself a strong meal, I'll be there when you get back, alright?" Gwaine patted Merlin on his shoulder and Merlin again remembered that he had legs so he replied 'ok' to Gwaine and started to walk towards the elevator.

Gwaine and Finna stayed until the doors were fully closed and then turned on their heels to go to different directions. Gwaine to his father's office and Finna to get them a private room. They had a long night ahead of them.

* * *

In the elevator Arthur was unsure of what to do. He knew he had been overly eager to touch Merlin at any given excuse today and he wasn't sure if Merlin wanted him to. He also was the tiniest bit of jealous of Gwaine and Finna. They had helped Merlin so much and Arthur would be forever grateful of that, but he also felt inferior to them. He hadn't been able to do what they had done and in a way he could understand that they were adults, there was many of them and they were professionals and they had the authority to make an arrest and actually change Merlin's life, but he wanted to be there as well. He needed Merlin and he needed to be with him. He tried to remember what Gwaine had told him when they had been waiting for Merlin and he decided that he would talk with Merlin right now. He had just opened his mouth when the lift stopped and some officers walked in. Arthur cursed his luck. He was impatient but he couldn't talk to Merlin like this. He hoped the restaurant Gwaine had recommended was quiet…

They walked out of the building in silence and Arthur soon found the place Gwaine had been talking about. 'Of course it's a pub…' he thought but walked in anyway. The menu was placed next to the cashier and Arthur had to confess that the food sounded good. He chose himself a steak and Merlin told him he would take chicken with mushroom sauce. Arthur looked at him a bit surprised for not taking the vegetarian choice and decided to ask about that also when they were seated.

Arthur told Merlin to get them a table and he rang a bell that was on the counter. From the kitchen came an elderly man who looked just like this pub. A bit worn on the edges but clean and strong. Also his little bit crooked smile was welcoming and his voice warm if a bit coarse. "And what can I get to you, boy?" Arthur grimaced at the word 'boy' but ordered the food politely. "…and one small beer, thank you." He hoped he sounded like he had ordered beer many times before. The bartender looked at him a bit suspiciously but he didn't seem to care too much so he just gave Arthur one small ale from the nearest tab and told that he would get the food to the table when it was ready.

Arthur thanked him and searched Merlin with his gaze. He wasn't far away but Arthur was pleased to see that the table was in a quiet corner and that there was not anyone else sitting nearby. It was monday after all and lunch time long ago ended… Some quiet music was playing and Arthur was quite sure no-one would hear them talk if they didn't raise their voices.

"Here…" Arthur said and Merlin rose his surprised gaze to see the beer Arthur was carrying. He had not waited for one but when Arthur put the cold beer in front of him, Merlin felt like kissing Arthur on the spot. He restricted himself and just took the glass in his hand "Thank you…" Arthur sat next to him and watched as Merlin took a sip of his beer. Merlin closed his eyes for a moment and leaned to the couch he was sitting. He let out a slow breath and looked so relaxed and calm that Arthur felt envious of him. "It's so much better than the one I had in my closet…" Merlin sighed still his eyes closed. Arthur smiled at that. Merlin was talking to him and that alone made it worth buying the beer.

"Glad you like it…" Merlin opened his eyes lazily to look at him and Arthur wasn't sure if he had forgotten that Arthur sat there for a moment. "You are amazing, Arthur… " Merlin told him and smiled a bit shyly. This was all Arthur needed to encourage him and he opened his mouth to talk "I- Merlin, I wanted to talk to you… " Merlin's smile turned sad which made Arthur pause "I'm sorry for dragging you into this." Merlin said with a sad voice and Arthur had to shake his head to make any sense of that. "If I remember correctly, I sneaked into your closet and almost kicked your door down to get into this." Merlin actually laughed at that a little and Arthur felt relieved. He could do this.

"I just, I don't know how you would like that but, would you be my boyfriend?" Merlin stopped his movement of drinking a sip of beer in mid air and stared at Arthur wide eyed. He blushed and for a moment looked like he was going to say something, but then hesitated and finally looked down "I- are you sure you would want me to? I mean it wouldn't be easy and your father-"

"Not my father anymore." Arthur cut Merlin's speech. He didn't want to add his father to this conversation, it wasn't about his father right now. Merlin looked guilty and Arthur tried to make up something to make him feel better fast "I don't want a father who can do things like that to anyone. Really Merlin, and none of that is your fault. I- I love you and that's the only thing that matters right now. I want to be with you just, just if you will let me…" Merlin put his beer to the table. He covered his face with his both hands. He had held his teas so many times today, but now he had no will to even try.

"Of course I'll let you… I just… I'm afraid that you will change your mind, that I can't be the way you would want me to. That you will ha- hate me someday because I- I'm not anymore…" He couldn't say that he was afraid that Arthur would get disgusted when he really understood that Merlin had had sex with his father and that he had even come to him but Arthur didn't seem to see it that way. At least not for now.

Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin feeling his heartbeat with relieve for himself and sadness for Merlin. "None of that matters. I love you and I could never hate you." Merlin laughed in relief shortly through his tears. Arthur gave him a napkin and Merlin blew his nose and dried his eyes before leaning to Arthur's shoulder once more and Arthur automatically wrapped his arms around him. Merlin couldn't feel certain for future but at least he would enjoy this while it lasted.

"Thank you… It has been a long day, but it feels nice… to be able to say that you are my boyfriend." Arthur murmured to his hair and Merlin felt his heart jump with joy. He had never thought this possible and the word 'boyfriend' rang in his ears pleasantly. He repeated it in his mind many times that he was Arthur's boyfriend. Eventually his tears stopped and he felt light rush into his veins. After all that had happened today, he didn't feel so dirty on the inside anymore, just on the outside.

Arthur let go of Merlin when they heard the bartender open the kitchen door. Merlin blushed a little and looked to another direction. "I hope that beer is for you and not him…" The bartender commented and pointed at Merlin while looking at Arthur. "He is the same age than me…" Arthur told him understanding what he meant. Merlin looked a lot younger than he really was being this thin… "Then I hope that you are closer the age you look like than him." He said and Arthur quickly told him that that was the case. The bartender put their plates in front of them and hmmph-ed. "Then make him eat more, he looks like a sack of bones." Merlin squirmed and Arthur wasn't too pleased that the bartender was talking like Merlin couldn't hear him. When he left Arthur gave Merlin his cutleries and Merlin started to slowly cut his chicken.

To Arthur's delight Merlin got more animated and became to eat faster after first few bites. He was hungry. Arthur also started to eat. The steak was delicious and Merlin's portion didn't smell bad either.

"How come you suddenly eat meat?" He asked when Merlin stole a bite from his plate. Merlin blushed a little "I don't really care… Gwaine told me to eat and I'm not telling him that I had tofu salad as a dinner." Arthur smiled at that and was about to continue his meal when Merlin surprised him by continuing "I actually started it because one day I didn't want to eat. And then I continued mainly to annoy Uther…" Arthur stared at him wide eyed and then something shifted inside of him. He laughed. So hard that he had trouble breathing.

Merlin looked at him amused and glad that he could make Arthur laugh like this. Arthur looked at Merlin wiping tears from his eyes and feeling that Merlin was the most amazing person in the whole world. "You annoyed the hell out of me too…" Merlin smiled at him deviously "That was an unexpected bonus." Arthur kicked him lightly under the table and Merlin grinned at him. It felt good that Arthur was treating him like he normally did.

After Merlin had eaten and drunk his beer, he felt better, more normal and more stable. He didn't know what he would have to face the moment they walked back into the police station, but he knew that he would always treasure this memore. 'boyfriend… Arthur had asked him to be his boyfriend…'

They just sat there resting and talking a bit about anything that had absolutely nothing to do with what had happened today before they finally felt that they couldn't possibly avoid the inevitable any longer. Arthur paid with some money that happened to be in his pocket, for a moment there he had totally forgot that they would have to pay and that he didn't have his wallet with him. It was still in his car.

When they found the front desk and told the grumpy looking man sitting behind it where they were going and that Percy had told them to go there, the man came to flash his electronically key card to the elevator door. When the elevator came he pushed the right button and again flashed his key card and stepped back to let the doors close. When they were alone, Merlin finally found some courage and he took Arthur's hand. Arthur looked at their now linked hands and smiled. He leaned towards Merlin and kissed him softly on the lips. Merlin closed his eyes and savoured the kiss. When Arthur pulled away just before the elevator stopped he whispered to Merlin's ear "I hope I can get another one soon, love…" Merlin blushed and didn't look at all like he minded. Arthur smiled at that and let go of Merlin's hand just when the doors opened.

Merlin didn't even realise that Arthur had let go of his hand before he was already halfway out of the door. He didn't think anything of it, he was just playing Arthur's words in his mind feeling like he was walking on a cloud.

Arthur wasn't sure If Merlin wanted to let everyone know they were together so he walked in a reasonable distance from Merlin and tried not to look as ridiculously happy as Merlin at the moment. He wanted to let everyone know that Merlin was with him as soon as possible but he realised that Merlin might not be comfortable with that yet and for a good reason. He made a mental note not to push Merlin on anything he wasn't ready. Mentally or physically. He would make sure Merlin was comfortable with everything he did, how much ever it would take time, he would wait. He would make sure he never turned out to be like Uther.

Gwaine was nowhere to be seen nor Percy or Leon so they settled on waiting on Percy's desk. They followed the buzz in the office that hasn't lessened much even thought it was close to eight in the evening now. They talked with quiet voice about this and that and Merlin wondered where his mother was right now.

Arthur hoped they could go somewhere to sleep soon. Merlin was looking tired and he himself felt like he could be knocked over with a feather. He wondered what Gwaine had told him about a hotel and that did sound very tempting. When he mentioned this idea to Merlin, Merlin nodded at him and told him it sounded great. He had no problem of sleeping in Arthur's bed but he didn't know if he could trust that Uther wouldn't come home in the middle of the night. He was aware of what it could mean to go to a hotel with one's boyfriend but he didn't even mind right now. If it was Arthur everything would be alright and Merlin was quite sure that Arthur hadn't thought it like that anyway. He could be quite innocent (clueless) with these kind of things. At some point they were both so tired that they didn't have any energy to talk anymore so they just let their mind wander their legs touching slightly. This was going to be a long night…

* * *

A/N Hello! I'm at my grandmother's place this week. I was led to believe that there would be an internet here... There is, _but_ , it needs this stupid program to work and the program needs 'Java SE 6 runtime' -thingy to work and, you guessed it, I don't have it so I need to download it from... the _internet_! I arrived yesterday and by God I had a moment there I wanted to hit my head on a wall. Now, I'm in the nearby village, in a restaurant that has wifi. I had to cyckle 15 km to get here. It's raining.

So... as you could propably guess from that, I might not be able to update as often while I'm here. I'll get back home 27th. But, I'll try to upload the stupid Java -thingy now and even if the stupid program will not start working for some reason, I'll come back to this restaurant next week if I have to. It just happens to be closed for sunday and from monday to thursday it's only open for lunch time because it's summer or something, but I'll try my best.

Moving on from that... I hope you didn't find the 5 000 words worth of medical examination boring... I remember replying to someone's review that police work is not exactly my field, well, this is. So I might have gotten into the details a bit too much maybe... If you are interested, Merlin's examination took over two and a half hours. That is usually the case. In the last chapter, this chapter and in many chapters after this, there are lots of legal, medical, social service and police stuff and I have read a lot to get everything to be as realistic as possible, so if you notice a mistake or difference to your country's system, feel free to let me know :) Just keep in mind that most of the stuff I have taken from my country's system, so it might differ from the system you know because of that.

I thank you all for being patient with me, I hope that no-one gave up on me now that I have been late with my update two times in a row... I really am sorry about that.

And you who reviewed, you are awesome! You have such interesting comments and I find myself thinking differently and from new perspective some stuff I thought I already knew, so what can I say but thank you! Please do continue making me see the world a bit differently for that is the most valuable thing for me :) Did I already say that you are awesome? You are awesome!

CoolBeans100 Hunith we will see in the next chapter, for Gaius we will have to wait a bit more, but it will come :) I'm so happy that you like the last chapter!

superwholockotps Thank you so much for reading this storry :) And reviewing, it means a world to me that there are people who like my story.

thejammysod Yes, finally! You made a very interesting analysis of how Merlin felt about having Arthur with him in the confession. You were also right that Arthur would want to know everything so he could help Merlin better, but in reality getting to know that much that fast would have been too much. Also that kind of conversations are best to have alone, with time and when it actually is a conversation, not just one talking to someone else, fearing what the other thinks while the other listens not able to ask for time out or any questions on his own. Cute moments like that are what they need right now and just each others to hold on. I'm happy that many found it adorable, I have much more in store, hope you will like those too :) It was so cute what you said about protecting your little brother, he is lucky to have a big sister like you :) I'm so happy that you liked my decision to make Leon younger too, it felt kind of right because of how cutely honest and a bit simple he was at times in the tv show, like in the 'Two masters' episode :D that always makes me laugh! Leon really wasn't disgusted with Merlin and because he is an open person, Merlin can see that and the feeling that came with the word was forgotten soon enough. What a lovely thought that Leon would be like a big brother to the two of them, I might have to think about that :) Your migraine sounds horrible, seriously. I couldn't live with insomnia, I sleep very little yes, but I have to sleep at the same time every night or my next day will effectively ruined.

bubzchoc Thank you :)

Angel Dove1 I'm so happy to hear that I was able to make your day better! I hope you will have better days from now on even if we can't always choose the people we work with... You on the other hand made my day better when I could read your awesome review, so I think we are even :) I'm glad that you liked the detective work, I was a bit worried of that and all the police work + legal-stuff because that is not my field exactly... Yeah, Gwaine's father has some connections and he really used those because of the tone Gwaine used when he asked for help. He trusts Gwaine and he wanted to give him his full support if Gwaine himself went that far. Gwaine doesn't ask help easily. The interviewing guestions were actually made in a bit interesting way, if I may say so myself. There is a page in internet for those who have gone through rape and can't affort to get themselves medical help in USA and they have like this kind os guide (?) with questions like 'if interwied by police, were you asked ...' or 'did you have a choise to have a male or female nurse' and so on so forth and I tried to make this interview as ideal as possible. I hope I succeeded :) Deciding to make Leon younger, was quite a natural decision for me, if you think him in the tv series, he was always a bit more naive and a bit more... I don't know the word, but he would listen Merlin (servant) and brake king's orders if he came running and shouting loud enough... And just think of him in the 'two masters' episode :D Thank you so much for your lovely, long review! I wish I could draw too... but we can be happy that we have a good imagination instead :)

Emrys00 I'm so happy to hear you enjoy my story so much! I'll keep updating, promise! :)

Chibi . warlock Yes he is! Merlin is having a courage to change all his life as he has known it. Even if it can hardly get worse, in a subconscious level he doesn't know that and he is frightened. Still, he keeps talking and trying and baring himself for evenmore pain and regret. That is very brave. Lest see how he will be rewarded for that later in his life :)

Guest Yep, finally! I am so glad to get of Uther, I was so tired of writing about him! Now we will see him in a totaly different environment and boy will I be happy when we get him what he eserves. There are still some chapters before we see Morgana and I'm still not going to give anything away ;) To see Hunith, we will have to wait till next chapter, but I hope you will like it :)

Insanereviewer I think that after all this time we don't want to see anyone who dares to be like 'Oh, alright' about Merlin's suffering... but especially Hunith, we want her to show how much Merlin means to her. I totaly understand the want to see her suffer a bit, but I hope not too much. As a mother she will be hurt and she will suffer and she will think that she deserves it, but I don't think anyone deserves in that kind of a situation that someone comes and says or lets them believe that everyone thinks that they deserved it... Just a thought, I know you are not a mean person :) As you propably got from this chapter, you were right, there would have been no way Merlin would have wanted anyone to the medical examination with him... The problem with young wictims is often the lack of knowledge of where the line of illegal is crossed and from where and how to get help. I actually read one study that told that a very high persentage actually first talks to the predator if they are feeling uncomfortable before going to authorities. They might even tell the predator that they have thought of going to authorities or that they are planing on telling to someone... That is why I think raising avareness on the subject would be a key of avoiding this kind of cases. Merlin too has grown up in a remote vilage, how much do you think their society or school talked about this kind of things? Oh, Uther will try to get out of the blame alright... and unfortunately, there is quite a lot what he can try to do, but, oh well, you will see ;) As a minor detail, I have actually counted the rapes... I have that document somewhere... I just don't remember where, but Gwaine's estimate is not actually accurate because he only used this summer and that four times a week as reference and just took some off because Merlin said sometimes it was not so often... IF you are interested, I can dig that information from somewhere. Actually.. maybe I could add it to the story somewhere... Thanks for the idea! You are very sweet worrying of my health, I'll make sure I have a life outside of work and this story, I promise :) And I'll try to update as many times as possible next week and a half too! I'm looking forward to your next insanely long review!

mersan123 I might have made you to wait till the next chapter to find out how Hunith will react :P I'm sorry! Uther will surely try everything in his power to avoid any punishment and unfortunately money is power in this world. Even in this kind of situations where it surely shouldn't be. That parents wouldn't believe when their child came to them and told something like that would be... I have no words. When I did my re-search for this story, I actually found some stories that were like that. For example I found a story about twin boys that were molested by their schools priest and when they told about it at home at some point, their parents didn't believe them... I found that highly disturbing, but I don't think that I'm not giving anything away if I say that it is quite impossible to not to listen if authorities come forward and tell a mother that their husband has been arrested because he has raped their son... That would be another level of... I don't even know what, but just no... I hope no-one is that stupid. Loved your review, as always :)

8OrangeMatilda8 Good question, good question, I have it explained kinda in the next chapter, but Gwaine did leave, but his father kept his contract and never terminated it incase Gwaine would come back and even when Gwaine opened the shop, he did pop by to see Percy now and then so his father kept the contract. That's why he also still has the electronic key card, for having one he needs to be employed actually (Gwaine just don't think... is that a surprice?) and he has gotten some information for Percy in the past too... so he is basically a freelancer, his father even pays him for those hours, he just doesn't tell Gwaine. We will get back to this later, but I hope this answered to your question :) I'm still making you wait to see how Hunith reacts :P Sorry about that, but in the next chapter, I promise! Many has been interested about Morgana... We will see her, but I still don't want to give anything away ;) I just hope you will like what I did with her when we will reatch that point.

Skypeoplephoenix732 Yeah, it has been a long time... Merlin moved in with Uther just before his 14th birthday and the molesting started at autumn when he was still fourteen... He's sixteen now. I second the 'yaaaaay' It's really the high time for Uther to pay for his crimes. Lets just see how much Uther will try to fight to get out of this ;)

Guest Hi! Thank you so much for your compliments, I was a bit hesitant on uploading this story because I thought that everyone might find it boring for it's so slow... but on the other hand I wanted to make it slow for that is how it is. Real life is not that dramatic all the time. Also Thank you for the recomendation, I'll read it :)

Cool Thank you :) I'm happy to hear that you found the scene emotional, I was a bit afraid that it would be boring...


	32. Chapter 32 - Hunith

The moment Gwaine walked into his father's office, his father knew his answer. "Room number two is ready to use and you have Leon, Percy and Elena. Wrap the case up quickly, I want this out of my schedule as fast as possible." Gwaine knew what that meant. The case was clear. Now they just had to be quick and get as much as possible piled against the bastard and get him to sit as many years as possible, before he had a chance to make up a story with his no doubt expensive lawyers. "Roger that, pops." He made a fake salute and his father rolled his eyes. "You are an idiot, but you made the right choice, you will really help in this case."

"Alright, alright, I hope I get paid for listening to your babbling…" Gwaine waited to hear how exactly his father had been planning to cover the fact that he wasn't working here. The judge would not like that…

"Of course. But not for standing in the middle of my office when I'm paying to three other person for sitting in the room two waiting for your lazy ass to show up." Gwaine laughed and waved at his father. He didn't need more details so he just turned to leave smiling to himself not seeing his father smile at his back.

When Gwaine was gone his father bend down to search something from his desk drawer. He soon found a folder he had been looking for and opened it from about the middle. There, just before Percy's contract was Gwaine's. The picture of him was old and he looked silly and not too happy with his life. The date was the same he and Percy had graduated. Gwaine had only stayed for one week while Percy was still here, but his contract was still with his other employs. There was the starting day but not resignation day written in the contract. Gwaine's father smiled at the paper. Gwaine would probably eat him as a breakfast if he found this paper ever, but right now it was very useful. Because in the eyes of the law, at the time of the arrest, Gwaine had been legally a police officer and working under the head of the department.

Gwaine's father closed the folder and put it back to his drawer. He had a lot of work ahead of him and he wouldn't go home before he had gotten the full report from his son and sent it to a prosecutor. He took his phone to call his wife. She wouldn't be happy that he was again working late, but even if he knew she would immediately forgive him if he as much as mentioned Gwaine was involved, he wouldn't do that to his son. He loved his wife dearly but knew her too well not to even hope that she would leave Gwaine alone if she heard that there was a possibility that he would again work with his father. He also knew Gwaine well enough not to think that he would be anything else than highly annoyed if his mother called him in the middle of the case.

Gwaine's father heard his wife's voice answer the phone and he prepared himself to a lecture of the year.

* * *

When Gwaine opened the door of room number two, his temporally almost good mood evaporated. A woman, who he guessed was Elena, was spacing and telling something to Leon in high speed and Leon who was currently sitting on one of the desks looked devastated. "…I had no way of telling him no! He was still not officially under arrest and I didn't even know why he had been brought here…"

"What's going on?" Gwaine interrupted even if he wasn't that sure if he wanted to know. Elena stopped her pacing and looked at Gwaine. Then she made a frustrated sound before she directed a friendly smile at him and extended her hand which Gwaine automatically shook while keeping his eyes on Elena's. "I'm Elena, nice meet you Gwaine." She seemed to know who he was very well, but she also didn't seem like she cared of the rumours or stories she had no doubt heard about Gwaine. That was nice.

"Likewise, but right now I would very much like to know what this is all about." He said sounding more stern he felt. Elena looked troubled and she kept running her fingers through her short blond hair. She seemed nervous and she moved far too much to even appear confident, but her handshake had been firm and Gwaine was quite sure that Percy had mentioned her to be an effective and tough policewoman. She was young so she had not probably worked for long, maybe about the same time as Leon.

"It's the phone… Uther Pendragon 'accidentally' dropped it from the fifth floor." Leon shook his head and Gwaine slowly realised what that meant. "The phone… Oh for the love of- don't tell me I was too late with that one too…" Gwaine felt like pacing himself and he desperately hoped that there was something the IT department could do. "No, you weren't. Or were, but I sent a request for Uther's phone and any cameras, computers and tablets the minute Merlin was sitting in the waiting room, but it was already too late."

"And it would have been confiscated the minute Uther was formally put under arrest, which was about ten minutes later, but it had been too late for almost half an hour at that point." Elena pointed out to try to cheer his colleagues up even if only a little bit. Gwaine couldn't be cheered up this way, he was anyway feeling horrible enough because of all that had happened today so he took this set back hard. He was also quite sure that he would still find about ten ways this would affect the case that he was yet unaware of. Oh God he hated this side of this job. He knew what had happened, he had the culprit under arrest, but that still meant nothing if he couldn't prove that in the way some old geezers with high seat and their heads in their arses had decided beforehand.

"What happened?" He had to know even if he really didn't want to. Elena sighed again, but started from the beginning "It was my responsibility to look after Uther Pendragon while he waited to be heard, or in this case to be properly arrested. He was bossy and downright horrendous 'client', just the type that thinks they are above me because apparently their tax money pays my salary. He made a show of losing valuable time waiting here over a slight misunderstanding that had happened at his own home and that his home had been falsely invaded and that he would get his lawyers to eat us all alive and so on so forth." Gwaine listened, that was nothing he had not waited Uther to be, so this didn't interest him much. It was just delaying the inevitable.

"He calmed down when I told him that I would put him in a cell to calm down if he couldn't behave and he asked if he could have a smoke soon afterwards…" Ok, this Gwaine hadn't expected and he saw the disaster he knew had happened before his eyes. "I took him to a balcony, it's normal, everybody does that and he wasn't even under arrest at the time…" Elena was clearly defending herself even if Gwaine knew that there was no point to that. She had really not done anything wrong. Actually if she had denied Uther a right to smoke in a presence of an officer in a balcony with bars because she had found him annoying, she would have abused her position.

"He got a cigarette from Barry and while he was smoking he took his phone out and started to type something, I thought it was a text message, but he might have deleted those photos just in case… Then he dropped it. From the fifth floor balcony." She looked as annoyed at herself as Gwaine was feeling with the situation. "Is there anything IT can do?" He tried asking, but he knew there was no hope from the way Elena looked. "There maybe would have been if the smart ass who was almost killed when the said phone almost dropped to his head, hadn't decided to kick it among the traffic. We just got a call from IT. Half of the phone is most probably stuck in a tire of a bus at the moment."

Gwaine groaned at that. Couldn't anything ever go smoothly? "There is a team collecting evidence right now and I made sure they will get every device that could hold any of the pictures to IT asap, that including CDs and DVDs. He might have copies, they usually do." Leon spoke sounding a lot calmer than Gwaine who just nodded at him for trying. Maybe he was right, usually those kind of perverts liked to watch those kind of pictures on a big screen… He would just have to hope that Uther was stupid or arrogant enough to keep copies.

"There's no point in dwelling now, what else do we got?" Leon stood up when no-one else talked. Gwaine did manage to cheer up on this. Action, that was something he believed in. "A hell of a lot if you ask me." He said and walked to the white board that covered the whole wall. "If this…" Gwaine drew a long timeline on the board and wrote the time they had arrived at Uther's house to the end of the line "is the time we arrived at the scene, what else do we know?"

"From what Arthur told us, Merlin should have left his friends house just before 12 and he should have been back to school about at 12.05…" Leon joined in and wrote the time on the line, near the same end that Gwaine was currently writing details "and the first rape would have occurred here." Leon continued moving to the other end placing lines to mark years as he walked. "There should have been some kind of courting and we might have to ask about that from Merlin too… if we are able to find the photos, there could be some even before Merlin knew about them."

They worked like this for over an hour going through what they could remember and they even added stuff that Gwaine could remember Merlin had told him during the time he had known him. They agreed on colour codes and Gwaine was not sure if time had meant so little to him ever in his life. He would not stop before he got this ready. At some point Elena went to get whatever she could from Freya and when she returned with neatly typed interview Freya had made, she also informed that Freya would be with them in an hour or so.

Percy made his appearance soon after that and he informed them that when Merlin's mother would calm down, Merlin and Arthur could go with her. She was safe and her matters would be taken care of by Finna and Tilly. "She is hysterical and desperate to see her son, we will just wait for her to calm down enough to be able to be there for Merlin." He told them and Gwaine would have smiled at that if he was not so busy thinking of when exactly had Merlin been caught of skipping school.

Percy looked at the very concentrated, but not very directed working in front of his eyes for a half a minute before he decided that it was up to him to take the charge. "Gwaine, you complete the timeline, listen through the interviews with both Merlin and Arthur so you won't miss any details. Leon, you go and get Merlin and Arthur, they are sitting by my desk and get them to visitors room, prep them to meet Hunith and stay there with them. It shouldn't take half an hour. Elena, you continue what you were doing." Gwaine glanced at Percy and moved to do what he was told without a word. Percy was the obvious choice for a leader, he was the most experienced after all and Gwaine was happy of this turn of events, he wasn't a leader and he had been leading one morning too much already.

It took almost another hour before Leon came to tell them that Merlin was about to leave with Arthur and Hunith. By then Gwaine had not even gone through Merlin's interview and he knew that Arthur's would hold much more to write to the timeline. He had been very specific and told a lot of details even if at points his story had not been continuing in right order. This would take the whole night, Gwaine was sure of that.

When Gwaine stepped in the waiting room designed for family members, the first thing he saw was Arthur who looked sad and incredibly tired. Merlin and his mother were hugging just few paces from him and obviously both of them were crying. They both seemed like they were hanging to their dear life here and Gwaine could only think that he was relieved to see that at least Merlin's mother was a human being who loved her son very much.

* * *

Merlin was sure that Arthur would fall asleep at any given moment against Percy's desk and he was almost there of getting enough energy to make a comment of how he was supposed to be the one who could sleep anywhere, when Leon came to ask them to come with him to a more comfortable room. That woke Merlin up. That Leon was there could only mean the moment to see his mother was nearing.

The waiting in an almost home like room with a couch and some comfortable armchairs including a corner for children and a small kitchen counter and even a fridge could not have been more tortuous. Or maybe it could have been, Arthur was again wide awake and he kept himself next to Merlin careful not to give anything away, but Merlin knew he was there for him and that he was stressed too. Leon on the other hand talked to them calmly and soon Merlin felt that he liked his tone and his facial expressions were calm and cheerful. He kept answering to every question Merlin could come up with and that calmed Merlin for about few seconds at a time. He wasn't sure if he wanted this over with or if he wanted to tell that he wasn't ready after all and that he would not meet his mother.

After what felt like forever, Merlin heard Finna's calming voice. "…He's right here love, just stay calm…" Merlin was sure that his heart would stop in a minute, he felt his whole body go numb and his pulse was humming in his ears. Arthur stood up and walked to the door, no doubt wanting to shield Merlin with his presence and seeing Hunith first. Merlin could see Arthur eyes move as no doubt Finna and Hunith approached the room. There was a brief stop with the steps and Merlin saw Arthur nod and then move a bit aside so Hunith could enter the room.

When Merlin saw his mother, there was no doubt that she was in pain. She looked smaller, older and like she was barely walking. There was a moment of silence before Hunith let out a breath "Oh, Merlin…" and tears started to fall from her eyes. "Mom…" was all Merlin could say before he too started to cry. He had done that so much today that his eyes hurt and he tried to wipe the tears away when he suddenly felt his mother's arms wrap around him.

"Mom!" This time it came out much more desperate and Merlin clung to his mother's shirt and buried his head on her shoulder. She didn't feel at all like she had looked like. She felt strong and safe and suddenly Merlin was again that three years old boy who had cried at night that he wanted dad to come home. "Merlin, my Merlin… my love my dear, dear child…" Hunith kept whispering to his ear and Merlin just cried harder not caring anymore if it hurt or not.

Only when his mother's tone changed did Merlin snap back to the present "How did I not see? I'm so sorry, so sorry…" Merlin could just blink few times against his mother's chest. How come she hadn't seen? What about himself? His mother was not angry with him, she didn't blame him for ruining her marriage nor for lying. He wanted to tell that he was sorry too, but he felt the presence around him and he became very much focused on the fact that there were other people in here, silently watching him.

Merlin tried to move from his mother's arms, but Hunith held on firmly and Merlin fell back to the safe feeling that his mother was stronger than he was, stronger than Uther was and she was there for him. Even after this, like she had always been. "I- I'm sorry too… I didn't think- I-" His voice was hoarse and he had no idea of what he wanted to say, but Hunith started to rock him back and forth whispering a soft "shhh… It's alright, everything will be alright, I love you and you have nothing to be sorry about, nothing you hear me..." Her tone was soft and Merlin let himself believe that she was right. That he was just a child and that his mother knew better than him. After a while he noticed that he wasn't crying anymore.

Arthur could just stare. He saw how Merlin clung to his mother and he could see how desperate they both were. He was so relieved that he almost felt like crying himself. He also wished that he could join the hug or that he had someone here who would hug him like that too. He briefly thought about how Morgana had hugged him when he had been little and seeing Merlin in his mother's arms reminded him of that even if Merlin was not a little child anymore. But there was a difference. Morgana too, even if five years older, had also been a child and while Arthur could see Hunith grumbling from the edges more than once, he also saw how she collected herself quickly every time. For her son, because she was a mother and she was going to be there for Merlin even if she would have to collect bits and pieces of herself alone later.

When Arthur saw Gwaine from the corner of his eye, he looked determined and concentrated and focused. All that Arthur wasn't right now and he suddenly felt like a child himself. For all the time he could remember, Arthur had always taken care of himself. Not in the sense of house work or money wise, but handling himself. He had for as long as he could remember taken care of his own schedules, taken responsibility of his own school work and football. He had gone back to an empty house everyday when he was supposed to and done his homework knowing that there would be no point of even telling about it to his father before he had made results. And if the results weren't good, it had been Arthur's fault. Depending on an adult had not been an option in his home and even if he had survived it, he now understood that it had been the reason why he had tried to take care of everything by himself. He could see now how wrong he had been exactly.

He needed these people as much as Merlin did. He couldn't survive this alone and compared to them, he just had no tools, experience or strength to be the only one to take care of Merlin. He was so very relieved that he didn't have to, for this was the one thing that he couldn't fail. So, his pride aside, Arthur would take any help that was offered to him.

It was Gwaine's Hand on his shoulder that caused Arthur to finally look away from Merlin who was still wrapped in his mother's arms while Hunith kept murmuring something or the other to his ear. He still looked desperate, but he was relaxed and Arthur could not wish for more at the moment. "I really think it would be time for you to get some rest, are you alright Arthur?" Gwaine said in a quiet voice, but Hunith seemed to hear him nonetheless.

"Arthur, my dear, please come here." She said in a kind voice looking ashamed at herself for not addressing him before. Arthur was taken aback by this. He had not had energy to even wonder if Hunith would blame him of what had happened, but now that she clearly wasn't, Arthur felt weak on his knees. For the first time he really felt that Hunith was someone like a parent to him too. That she really would take care of him and he felt stupid that for all this time he had not once asked from her what he had wanted from his father all his childhood. He was very close of just joining them and letting himself be cuddled, but he still felt Gwaine's hand on his shoulder and he just couldn't give up the control he had built for years.

"I'm fine, but I think Merlin would need to sleep. Gwaine suggested a hotel…" He said feeling that Merlin was so much braver than him for being able to show his feelings like this even after all that had happened. Hunith nodded at him, but Arthur could tell that she didn't believe that he was fine. They would talk about this when they were at the hotel, Arthur could tell, but he felt better. He knew that Hunith cared and he started to feel that in this situation, someone should. He too, was worth it.

"That sounds a great plan, Merlin, love, how are you feeling? Should we go?" Hunith asked, but Merlin had no opinion at this point. For all he cared if his mother and Arthur were there, he could go anywhere. Even Uther's house would be fine as long as Uther wasn't there, so he just shrugged and Hunith took it from there. Gwaine's strongly suggested that they went to a hotel and he even recommended one not too far away, just ten minutes walk from here, he said, but he still offered to drive them. Hunith agreed to the hotel but she declined the ride, she felt that it would be a bit much to get a drive and for what little she felt that she could still trust she knew about her son, one thing was that he didn't want attention like that at the moment. It would be better if they could have the privacy.

Before they went, Finna made sure that Hunith had all her contact info and every information for any emergency and Gwaine refused to take his phone back from Merlin. Finna also told them that she would take care of everything over here and that she would inform them when they could come by to hear some more of how the procedure was going and of Merlin's he health check results. She advised Hunith to take some time off from work and Hunith told them that she would definitely do that. It was all a buzz in Merlin's ears and he couldn't really concentrate on any of that right now and he was glad that he didn't have to, that he was given time to rest before he had to make any sense of what would happen from now on. His mother kept holding his hand the whole time and that kept Merlin calm.

The walk to the hotel was less than ten minutes and Merlin found he actually felt better with some fresh air. Arthur on the other hand looked so tired that Merlin felt a strong need to take a hold of his hand too just to make sure he wouldn't kneel over, but before he could, Hunith was there and she took Arthur's hand with an encouraging small smile. For a moment there Arthur looked like he would protest, but after glancing at Merlin, he just hung his head a little and let Hunith guide them. Seeing Arthur like this made him wonder if Arthur would ever say out loud that he needed help from time to time.

The hotel was nice. It was definitely not from the cheapest side, but Hunith felt no pain in using the credit card that was connected to Uther's bank account. She even decided on the most expensive option available. The room they were able to get was in the ninth floor. It had a living room area and two bedrooms and even a balcony. Merlin didn't want to think how much it costed to spend a night here feeling they were here because of him. He really would have been alright with anything.

Hunith didn't take much time to order them some food from the room service and arrange Merlin to be wrapped in the most soft blankets he had ever seen in his life to one of the beds. It didn't take long either that all of them were in the said bed hugging each others in a middle of a pile of blankets and pillows and at least one of them cried all the time. Hunith finally broke down and she kept telling how sorry she was while Merlin could just shake his head and tell her how much he had feared for her to find out and how it was his fault he had not said anything. "I should have known better, mother… I'm so sorry, I didn't meant to- to- ruin everything, I-" But Hunith was having none of it "Merlin, love, from now on, I don't want to hear you ever say that you ruined anything at all. You do not need to apologise for anything and especially not for me. Never to me."

Merlin could just nod and he felt safe and loved, but he still felt guilty. For what he had allowed to happen, but also of all this attention he was getting. As much as he felt he needed all of it and more, he still didn't feel that he deserved it. "… I lied to you." He said even if that should have been pretty obvious by now. Hunith just shook her head sadly "I should have seen that, some days I even felt that I knew you weren't telling the truth. I should have dug deeper, I should have searched for the answer of why you were doing that. I have failed you…"

While Merlin kind of felt for a second that his mother could have done that, that she could have made Merlin talk to her and she could have done something earlier, he felt so horrible to see his mother feeling so much guilt and so much pain for him. There was no point in dwelling of what his mother could have done. The point was that he had never trusted her enough to tell himself that he was suffering, that he wanted out of that house. Now Merlin could see that she would have done that for him, she would have taken him out of the house, she would have protected him. She thought he was worth protecting. But there was still things his mother didn't know and while he felt safe here in a middle of pile of hugs, he knew he had to tell his mother everything. That was the only way he could truly understand what was happening around him.

The room service provided them a very nice dinner they ate in the bed Hunith trying her best to keep Merlin comfortable and Arthur trying his best not to lean on Merlin even if he really, really wanted to. Maybe it was the food that made them able to start to talk about what would happen from now on and when Hunith started to talk about living opinions, Merlin felt that his chance to tell the final thing he believed his mother didn't know had come. He would do this, this time he would trust his mother.

"I know Arthur that you have been used to live in a bigger house, but I think I could buy a small place with the money I have saved. If you want to live with me at all… I understand that you only have one year before you turn eighteen…" Hunith was worried and Merlin knew why. She had the money Uther had bought their old house what seemed like forever ago and they couldn't possibly afford anything big or fancy from the city. Uther had already paid his and Arthur's tuition fee for their last school years so they could continue on the same school but after that, they could go to their separate ways. Arthur took her hands on his and told her "I want to live with you and Merlin if you will just have me. Don't worry about the space, I'm alright and I even have some money we can use." Hunith smiled at him and new tears rolled from her eyes. But now it was Merlin's turn to speak.

"Mother… I- I want to tell you something…" Hunith looked at her son and saw the seriousness and fear in his eyes. She took his hand and held it while still Arthur's hand in her other hand. "I ask you if-if…" He breathed out slowly to calm himself down. This was important and he had to do it now in order not to lie to his mother, or to himself, anymore "If Arthur could not move in with us as my step brother but… as my boyfriend."

Arthur seemed so surprised that it was a wonder how he didn't fall out of the bed. His heart beat in his ribcage so fast it hurt. He couldn't believe Merlin had said that. It made him so happy, so confident and feeling so loved that he didn't know to which way to turn and at the same time afraid and embarrassed. What if Hunith would be angry and forbid him from seeing Merlin? He would have to find another place to live, maybe he would be forced to move in with Morgana, who hated him, to another city. For the first time in his life, Arthur felt that he might not have nowhere to go.

Hunith looked equally surprised and he looked back and forth between the two of them. Merlin let his gaze drop. He could do nothing but wait at this point. He took it as a good sign that his mother hadn't let go of his hand yet. "You and Arthur… " Hunith finally said. Merlin nodded hoping his mother would understand more than he had ever wanted in his life. "Merlin dear, I knew you were gay and I knew you two were close, but really… When did this happen?" It was Merlin's turn to look surprised and Arthur looked at her like she had just grown another head.

"You knew I was gay?" Merlin heard his own voice say somewhere far away. "Yes, dear, I have known since you were just a child. You just had that kind of air around you and even when we moved here… I thought that you just tried to blend in with- no that doesn't matter… I just hoped you would come to talk to me when you were ready…" Merlin felt relieve bloom in is chest. He regretted not trusting his mother from the start and now it felt obvious to him. Of course he couldn't hide a thing like that from his mother with whom he had spent all of his life. He could once more feel pride in that he had a mother who knew him. After this, he was sure that he would never be afraid of his mother. She was on his side and always would be.

"But Arthur, I never saw it in you… I was sure you just weren't much interested in either way…" Hunith continued and Arthur blushed "I never really was. Not until… Merlin. And I'm not sure if I want to call myself gay…" This was new to Merlin and it interested him greatly. "Take your time dear, there is no rush in labelling yourself." Hunith looked at them both kindly and squeezed their hands in hers. Merlin hugged her again. He was so happy. There was everything he had wanted in this soft hotel bed. All the love he had been needing for two years now. He never wanted to let go of this.

But when he pulled back there was worry in Hunith's eyes "Are you sure that you what to take this road? It will not be an easy one… There will be many who will be against it and always someone to see you as brothers… I will support you in every decision you make but I want to be sure that you are sure…" Merlin was about to tell her that he loved Arthur but Arthur beat him to it "Hunith, I'm in love with Merlin and with all respect, Uther is not my father after what he has done and even if I like you, you are not my mother. Neither is Uther a father to Merlin. We are not brothers in any way and even if there will be idiots everywhere, I'll take care of Merlin. Everything will be alright." He looked at Merlin in the eye and Merlin found himself smiling at him. Hunith looked in between them and the worry melted from her eyes. She smiled at them brightly and linked their hands and held them between hers. "I just want you both to be happy."

They again hugged and when Merlin felt his mother shake with new tears he decided that he wouldn't cry. He really had nothing to cry about. They stayed like that for a while before Hunith took it to herself to calm down and cheer up. "Well, this is a happy occasion, I'm sorry to stain it by crying like a baby. I promise you we will celebrate this as soon as we get to move to our new home. I'll start searching for one as soon as tomorrow." She said and Merlin found himself laughing with relief. He couldn't really comprehend that his mother wasn't just accepting them but proposing to celebrate their relationship. "And I suppose now I'll have to only find one with two bedrooms." She added still smiling. This made Merlin blush and Arthur smile like Christmas had come early.

Hunith then got again a little bit more serious "I have to ask you… how long has this been going on?" Merlin was too embarrassed to answer and Arthur mumbled something about late spring and a kiss that Hunith couldn't understand but she held to the 'late spring' part. She vaguely remembered noticing that Merlin had been getting happier at that time and she feared to think about all the times Merlin had been moody or distant with her. She wouldn't sleep tonight that was for sure.

"So at least three months then, are you taking care of protection?" She knew this subject was tender and highly embarrassing but she had to know. She still had to screen herself for possible STD and she wanted to be sure that Arthur wasn't in any kind of danger. "Mother!" Merlin was bright red now and something seemed to close behind his eyes. He looked again more scared than ashamed and Hunith tried to think of anything to say to make that look go away.

Arthur saw this and he reassured Hunith that they had done nothing like that knowing saying that would help Merlin relax. 'And probably won't in a long time…' he thought bitter to Uther again. It wasn't like he wanted to jump Merlin now and here but he knew that Uther had probably ruined something that they could have had without him and he took Merlin's reaction the way that he wouldn't want Arthur to touch him anytime soon at all.

Hunith looked relieved and made them promise to be careful and not to rush into things. She didn't say anything about Merlin possibly being traumatised or that she was afraid that if they broke up it would be even harder for them to handle the situation if they had rushed into things they weren't ready for, and she didn't have to. They both already had their own worries and fears.

It was more than two o'clock when Merlin finally let his mother leave the bed so they could change. She told them gently that she would be back soon to tell them goodnight which made Merlin feel a bit stupid for being so clingy, but at the same time he knew if his mother hadn't said it first, he would have probably asked if she was coming back… Maybe this way it was less embarrassing after all.

Merlin took his pants off leaving his boxers and his shirt on. He saw his scar and he hated it. He hoped he could make it disappear and he was very much aware that Arthur had seen it up close just today. Arthur on the other hand didn't seem to be aware of his body at all and he didn't leave the shirt on but stripped down to his boxers. Merlin had to look at the other direction so he wouldn't stare all discomfort of his own body momentarily forgotten. Arthur always looked too handsome.

Merlin slipped to the bed they had been sitting previously and he waited Arthur to go to his own bed, but instead he took his pillow and his blanket and made his way to Merlin's side. Merlin looked at him surprised but Arthur didn't seem to notice. He just put his pillow next to Merlin and laid down next to him.

Merlin sat up and looked at Arthur eyes wide. "What?" Arthur asked him when he finally noticed Merlin's face. "You… will sleep with me?" Merlin asked hesitantly not sure what exactly made him this surprised. Arthur rolled his eyes at him. "I won't if you don't want me to but I would hate to sleep alone… and it's not like we haven't done it before…" That was the closest he could come of asking for help it seemed. Merlin let himself relax again and he made himself comfortable next to Arthur. Arthur was lying on top of Merlin's blanket so it was firmly in between them and Merlin was quite sure Arthur had done that on purpose in order not to make Merlin uncomfortable.

When Hunith came back and found them in the same bed, bickering about how Arthur was making the bed hot and how Merlin was taking all the space lying in the middle, Hunith was reminded of how she and Balinor had been years ago… She smiled and she felt truly happy for them. In a way she had been sure just hours ago she would never be able to. These boys were her candlelight of hope in her world that had been painted black when she had listened of what had happened right under her nose for years now.

She tried not to cry and when Merlin finally noticed her standing there he blushed and dived under his blanket so only his eyes were visible. Hunith arranged their blankets straight and kissed them both on their foreheads. They would be alright and Hunith would trust them. Even if she couldn't trust to those who she had thought to be close to her, she would still always trust her son. She turned off the lights and closed their door partially on her way out. After that she took her own blanket and made her way to the sofa in the main area of the hotel suite. She wrapped herself in it and cried silently thinking of all the things she should have noticed and all the things she should have done differently. She would never fully forgive herself and she knew it.

When she was looking at the sun rising behind the large windows the room had, she decided to stay strong for her boys. She would stand tall and do anything she had to do to be there for them from now on. She had cried enough, now she would fight.

* * *

A/N Hi! I don't have a smartphone. I know, I'm behind my time but I just really don't like touch screens... But now I'm paying for that. I uploaded the stupid Java and still the internet doesn't work. I kind of can use my grandmother's computer and internet, but the problem is that the story is in my computer and I don't have a memory stick with me... I even thought that I could write this chapter word by word, but it would have taken forever and I have to keep helping my grandmother too... so I gave up the idea, sorry for the delay.

I'm not comfortable of asking for reviews. I know I tried to, but I know that didn't work out so well (or maybe it did because I got some awesome reviews and reviewers from that). Still, I check as often as I can is there are any new reviews. Not in the sense of seeing if the number has gone up, but in a way that I want to see if those who have reviewed in the past have made a new review. I have valued your comments and I have found myself thinking you all individually. I think if mersan123 has read this chapter for you never fail to comment or if jammysod liked the way I portrated Finna or if Insaneriviewer will still have the energy to comment as much as you have up till now or if bubzchoc will be there, I have grown strangely fond of your short comments... or anyone of you. I remember and I'm highly interested in what _you_ think. Don't feel pressure, I'm just trying to tell you, that your opinion matters to me in a personal level. Thank you, for every single one of your comments, I can not thank you enough for the warmth and the new, interesting thoughts you have given me.

MillaMaxwell12 Yep, Uther is so not going to survive this! That is a part of my happy ending, really. I hope you liked how Hunith reacted,she will give Arthur her love also, they are a smily after all even if not in the way they were supposed to be when Uther married Hunith… I wanted to make all the authorities to be at their best, that's why I wrote them as characters from the tv-series. Just to show that if just one person in the link of events is not doing their best, it could cause the victim to shut down and feel fear or betrayal or like being raped all over again as someone who commented me said… We will get to the reactions of the team later and I hope you will enjoy that part when we'll get there :) It makes me so happy that you were moved, I'm feeling impatient myself right now to see Uther being sentenced…

Insanereviewer This is a conversation. In a very different way than most of the conversations I have in my daily life and I really enjoy of getting to know you more at the same time I'm updating my story. I'll dig the number of rapes from somewhere, I actually found a good slot to add it, so you will see when you see it ;) Actually, this was the only thing I really used the internet while in the restaurant… I can use my grandmothers computer, but this story is saved to my computer and the only way to update from her computer would be to write it again word by word and I seriously don't want to do that… besides I don't use internet that much now that it's summer and there is no university. I'm just enjoying the country side when I'm not annoyed at the lack of being able to know if someone has reviewed or PMed me. Freya was an interesting character that made an lasting impression and I kind of enjoyed making her able to help Merlin when in the tv-show she was the one being helped by Merlin… You can wait for Morgana all you want but I'm still not going to tell you what role she will play :P I'm still happy to hear that I'm keeping you on suspense :D Gwaine and Arthur do get along. They just need some time outside of this Merlin- situation to get to be real friends, but we will see how that plays out :) Oh good that you didn't find all that medical stuff boring, I tried to at least remain on the zone with no medical terms… we will see how much this kind of medical examination can tell the court, wait for it. Arthur was really blaming Finna and Tilly, but mainly for not doing anything, as many do blame the social workers when something doesn't go right, but he was moved when Finna told Merlin that she cared and when Merlin seemed to feel better after that. How did you like the reunion? Well, I'm sure you will tell me even if I don't ask, but still… Your reviews are awesome! I would never find them boring and especially too long. And this particular review was actually quite 'short' by your standards ;) It almost fit my screen ayer all! Seriously, I love your reviews and I hope that I can have them in the future too.

Guest Oh, it's nothing, I promised to update after all and I value promises very high. I'm just sorry for not warning you all beforehand that I was coming here… I just didn't think that the internet connection would give me such trouble. I wonder who you are, maybe one of those who have recently followed this story? Anyway, thank you for that, it's always a warm feeling when someone follows or favourites this story. I always feel that there are real people enjoying my writing and that is just awesome :)

Angel Dove1 You are right, the rape kit has tools that go into some very intimate places and if the nurse or doctor is not considerate towards the patient or doesn't give enough time for them, it really must feel as horrible as the rape itself. In a way it is the same. I wish I could say that every nurse was that patient and watches their patients that carefully, but sometimes that is not the case, unfortunately. In the tv-series Merlin helped Freya to overcome her fears so I kind of wanted to make the opposite here, I'm happy to hear you liked her :) I'm quite sure that Percy won't let Gwaine even i the same room as Uther if possible… even he has no complete control over Gwaine and he knows when he don't want to test the limits of Gwaine's rational thinking. You were right with your prediction, there was tears :D You know, most of the fluff scenes with Merlin and Arthur I have started to write because I had one line in mind I wanted there or one setting. The whole reason they went to that restaurant, was that Merlin could tell Arthur why he eat meat again… The rest kind of just created itself while I wrote it… So, great that you liked it :D That's so sweet that you told me not to worry about updating, I really appreciate it :) But to be fair, I actually stress a lot more about the lack of internet than about updating… I guess I'm too used to having internet all the time… Maybe this does some good to me :P

Caelanora How did you like Uther's 'accident'? I can tell you he did delete all the pictures before that just to be sure too… I'm am truly flattered that you compared my story to Harry Potter, that really is too much, but thanks anyway :) I would be honoured if you would translate my diction to french, I trust that you would mention it clearly that the original work is mine, like you said ;) I also understand it very well that you have university to take care of first, I'm an university student myself so… But let me know when you are ready to publish, I will read it even if I don't know much french :) Thank you so much for asking first and double thank you for the honour. Maybe this way this story will reach some more readers :) Thank you!

mersan123 Thank you! I tried my best and I learned a whole lot new things on the way, but some info is just really hard to get… for some reason police don't publish their interviewing methods online… Now that Hunith is aware of the situation, I can safely assure you that Uther will never get his hands on Merlin again. Even if Hunith is married to him, there is no way for Uther to force her to let Merlin stay with him. Also Merlin has no trouble of shouting out loud now that he doesn't want to see Uther… How did you like what happened with that phone? :D I had some good time thinking of what Uther could do to get rid of those photos (or try). I'm also enjoying this part of the story even if it's a long and not that easy road, Merlin will get the help and love he deserves :)

Skypeoplephoenix732 So glad that you liked Freya :) i really tried to make the examination be as ideal as possible while writing Freya to be an individual. We really need more nurses like her, but I'm sad to say that many times when a nurse is rushing or doesn't take the patient as individual, they are just too busy because of the lack of resources… That is so wrong and I hate it when money is saved by hiring less nurses… Yeah, I wanted to be kind of specific of the details because I know that even if the help is there, it needs a lot from the people who are helping the victim and even more from the victim. Merlin needs to start to see the world entirely differently to accept the help. He also has to have courage to trust the people who are trying to help him and lets be honest here, no-one is able to say the right thing every time, and while the victim is vulnerable, every misplaced word can hurt. A lot. As you said, it's a process.

Chibi . warlock Merlin was dreading it too… I'm happy that I managed to write it in a way that your fears didn't come true :) I really tried to make it as ideal as possible. Great that you liked the restaurant scene, it's so nice to finally write some development between the pair! How did you like Hunith's reaction? This was mostly written in Merlin's and Arthur's point of view so maybe it wasn't so clear how much she is suffering, but I hope that in the long run I'll be able to show it better even through the boys views.

Guest I wanted to be realistically, so I have added a lot details to the process of helping Merlin. I think it's important to know and I kind of wanted to underline how everything doesn't suddenly turn good when the help has arrived. Merlin in actually a very lucky one to have so many people around him who patiently stay there for him… I was a bit worried if I was being boring, so it means a world to me that you told me that you liked it :) Thank you! About Uther… I'm quite sure that I'm not spoiling anything by saying that it would be kind of a miracle if Uther just admitted that he was guilty of raping a boy…

thejammysod So glad that you liked that moment with Finna! I really wanted to hear your reaction to it and I thought of it when you first told me about how social workers are often underestimated in these kind of stories... Also the moment when Arthurs asked Merlin to be his boyfriend, it was the start of them communicating honestly and openly with eachothers :) There will be many relevations in the future, I hope you will enjoy them all!

Guest Yeah... I'm trying to keep this story as realistci as possible. I hope that I'm not too boring at times :P I hope I was able to write Hunith's reaction well enough... I know many have been waiting a lot from it. Thank you for your review!


	33. Chapter 33 - New home, new life?

Merlin was lying besides Arthur. He was tired to the bone but somehow he couldn't settle down to sleep. He had moved a bit to make Arthur more room and Arthur had put his arm under Merlin's pillow. Merlin was happy that Arthur was gently doing what he had done before he had known any of this, but Merlin wanted to be closer… He wanted to feel that they were now officially dating. He wanted to hear Arthur say or do something to reassure him one more time before he fell asleep. He knew it was stupid of him, hadn't Arthur done everything for him already? Still it was a stubborn feeling and Merlin found himself restless.

Arthur was lying on his side, facing Merlin, his blanket only reaching to his chest and Merlin did his best to not look at Arthur's bare shoulders in the dim light they had in the room so he kept his eyes on the ceiling. He couldn't ask Arthur for more, so he tried his best not to let his selfish feelings show.

"Merlin… are you still awake?" Arthur whispered and Merlin nodded. He wasn't sure if Arthur could see that but he probably at least felt his head move against the hand under Merlin's pillow. "I just want you to know that I will never do anything you don't want me to… If you don't want me to touch you or- or you know, you can just tell me…I won't get mad or anything like that…" Merlin blushed at that. This statement made just the kind of warmth Merlin had wanted to spread inside of him. He wished he had something to reply to that, but his mind couldn't come up with anything that didn't feel stupid to say out loud, so he nodded again glad that Arthur couldn't see his blush.

"Can I still kiss you?" Arthur finally asked after a moment of quite awkward silence with a quiet whisper and Merlin turned his face towards him. He couldn't see Arthur's face well and Merlin wondered what had he done to make Arthur think that he didn't want to kiss him anymore… He had to do something about that now so he also turned to his side and kissed Arthur on the lips. Arthur seemed to relax and he answered to the kiss first softly and then with a little bit more passion. Or maybe desperation, it was hard to tell after this day.

The kiss didn't last especially long and after he pulled back, Merlin yawned. He really was tired. Arthur had put his free arm around Merlin's shoulder when they had kissed and now he used the same arm to pull Merlin to his chest. There were two thick blankets in between them but Arthur moved his own blanket so he could press Merlin to his chest. Merlin's cheek made contact with his shoulder and he was very aware that Arthur's bare chest was just one layer of blanket away. Merlin could hear Arthur's steady heartbeat and when Arthur didn't move, but relaxed to the soft pillows, he found himself relax in Arthur's embrace. Merlin felt his self-consciousness melt away and he felt sleep wash over him. He fell asleep breathing in the soft smell of Arthur's skin and listening to his heart beat. In his strong arms he was safe and happy.

Arthur saw Merlin close his eyes and fall asleep in seconds. He kept watching his sleeping face in the dark for a while. The light of the city lights wasn't strong this high, but it was coming behind Arthur's back so he could see Merlin's features a bit better than Merlin saw his. Merlin looked thin and tired and Arthur's heart ached of the thought that he hadn't seen this before. Oh, how much he wished that he had talked with Hunith instead of changing the subject every time she had asked how Merlin was doing in school or at football or just generally. He wasn't even sure why he had done that really, maybe it was the same thing he had learned to do with his father? Not trusting adults with his own problems had spread to cover for Merlin too and while Arthur felt that he had been stupid enough not to notice it, he had somehow sensed that Merlin had a secret and he had subconsciously helped to keep it.

Arthur kissed Merlin's forehead softly trying to silently say how sorry he was before settling himself comfortable without letting go of Merlin. He was hugging a cocoon of blanket that held Merlin inside of it. Even if he could do nothing to change what had happened, when he looked at Merlin's sleeping form, he could feel happy and relieved of how Hunith had taken all this and he was full of pride of Merlin's words. Merlin had told his mother that Arthur was his boyfriend… He stored that moment in his mind and played it enough times he wouldn't forget any nuance of it ever. It gave him some peace of mind.

There would be much to do tomorrow and maybe it would take time for them to get another chance to be like this but to Arthur, everything would eventually be alright. He now knew how Merlin truly felt and Merlin knew how he felt and they were not hiding it anymore. They would face difficult times and one of those would be tomorrow when they would probably have to face the reality in some form or the other, but right now Arthur decided not to dwell on that. but concentrate on what was right now instead.

He also fell asleep feeling Merlin in his arms and they both slept until Hunith woke them up at midday to eat some lunch with her. Neither of them had seen any dreams nor moved from their position the whole night. Arthur half heartedly complained that his arm was sore the way even Merlin didn't take him seriously and Hunith just giggled at them when Merlin told Arthur that it was his own fault for leaving his arm lying around.

* * *

If it had been up to Hunith, she would have divided herself in two. She didn't want to let Merlin out of her sight, but she had to go. She needed to make sure that legally, whatever would happen, Uther Pendragon would not be Merlin's legal guardian as soon as possible. What had once seemed like a very nice gesture, taking legally Merlin as a part of his family, felt now dangerous and revolting. She also knew that they couldn't stay in this hotel forever and she didn't feel right using that man's money even if there was a hint of revenge mixed in.

After a late breakfast Merlin seemed almost serenely relaxed and when Hunith hesitantly asked if he would be alright if she went to run some errands, Merlin had no objections. He asked if he and Arthur could go and eat out and when Hunith told him that of course they could, Merlin gave her the most beautiful smile. Hunith couldn't even remember when she had seen that smile on his son's face and while it didn't match the mood she was in, it made her heart weep with joy of how happy her son seemed and with agony of how those smiles had been lost for so much time.

After pulling her son to a tight embrace and rocking Merlin back and forth while ignoring how Merlin protested in a 'mom! I'm too old for this' -way, she made them promise to answer Gwaine's phone at all times and stay together and near the hotel before she left. She would have a lot to do and she was determined to get everything done as soon as possible, she couldn't be away long.

The second she was out of the hotel, she took her own phone out. She would ask for all the help she could. It hurt that she would have to lay herself bare and admit how she had failed in the most important purpose of her life, but she would do that. She didn't matter here, her son did and she would do anything to do what little she could.

* * *

Gwaine had seen better days in his life. After he had watched Merlin and Arthur leave with Hunith, he had started to work with new vigour. He had been able to complete the timeline with some help from Leon by the time Freya made her appearance.

To Gwaine she seemed a bit shy and he was quite sure that if she wasn't working and depending on her profession, she would not appeared even this confident. Freya had some papers and a memory stick with her and with Percy's (with who she looked surprisingly comfortable with) help she opened a file on the computer that was in the corner of the room and turned on the projector that was connected to the computer. The first wall sized picture that popped in front of them was of Merlin's bruise and Gwaine had to close his eyes for a second to prepare himself for what he knew he would have to see far too soon.

"Based on the answers Merlin provided to me during my interview, it seems that the multiple rapes he has been victim of, have been violent and have damaged his health and mental state." Freya started and Gwaine could just blink of how much surer and more confident Freya sounded compared to when she had introduced herself.

"He has been vomiting on regular bases because of the stress the abuse has caused to him causing him to lose weight. He has also told me that he had been physically restricted and hit and choked during the intercourses. This all can be seen in these photos." She continued and clicked something on the computer and the picture changed.

"Some of the damage has clearly faded and is at least five days old, but I'll concentrate on the most recent rape." The picture was of Merlin's back, he had bruises on his side and when Freya changed the picture to show Merlin's neck better, Gwaine could see dot like bruises all over Merlin's neck.

"There are several spot-like bruises in Merlin's neck and he told me that the predator used to silence him if he yelled. These could have been made by his fingers. The force to make these kind of bruises is intense, we have to be thankful that he didn't brake Merlin's neck or damaged his larynx." Gwaine looked at the bruises in Merlin's tiny neck. It was revolting. This all was revolting.

"There are many bruises and wounds on Merlin's body caused by rough handling and this one in here in particularly, is caused by hitting." Freya changed the pictures while she was talking and Gwaine saw Freya had added a description to every picture, for example 'bruise, left tight, cause: forced legs to open' 'chafe, right and left wrists, cause: handcuffs?'. Gwaine felt ill.

"Moving on from the obvious, here we can see how UV light shows bodily fluids on Merlin's skin. He has obviously showered and he told me as much, but there are still something in his genital area and I have taken samples with it all and the results show that the DNA is not from Merlin. I still need to take a sample from our supposed predator." Gwaine breathed in deeply and tried to forget who it was in the pictures. He would rather concentrate on thinking of how he would find a way to use this all against the bastard.

There was enough material to last over an hour with all the questions they had and even after that Freya stayed to help while Gwaine circled everything from the timeline that matched with the medical examination with red. Leon had printed all the photos out and numbered them.

Freya was still there when the evidence collecting team arrived. It was lead by Pelinor (the second oldest) and he dismissed the rest and left himself to tell everything he had seen. The room Gwaine had seen, had been Arthur's (he had guessed as much even before Arthur had told him so) and there was not much to be found. It had been Merlin's room that had been very much the picture of the abuse he had gone through.

Apart from what Gwaine already knew had happened today, including cans of beer, broken handcuffs and bloodstains on the floor, there had been traces of bodily fluids visible to UV-light all over the place. Some were not so easy to tell what they were, but there were some that held no question of what they were. Spray like patterns in Merlin's mattress and blanket and even pillow and floor suggested that Uther had not only ejaculated inside of Merlin and some droplets here and there could very well match what Merlin had told them about him having to perform oral sex often.

But what really caught Gwaine's attention were large stains on the wooden floor. There were two different kinds and Pellinor was able to tell them that one large one that looked like some-one had dragged himself over it, was most probably blood for it had only shown itself when sprayed with luminol. The same went with many droplet like stains on Merlin's bathroom walls and some other surfaces. There was a sharp line where the droplets stopped and there were none in the floor or toilet seat and Pellinor suggested that their maid might have cleaned the floor with a strong bleach such as peroxide. They had added her to the list of people they would have to interview. That the stains were not removed like that from everywhere suggested that Merlin had cleaned up himself and was not aware that the stains could be seen with this method and most probably the predator had no part in the clean up.

With all this, the team had been able to make a report to a prosecutor and it was on it's way before midnight. After that Gwaine's father drove Gwaine home and told him to be at the station at half past eight. The prosecutor would contact them probably around nine o'clock.

Gwaine had not even made it to his bed, he had fallen asleep on his couch when he had made the mistake of trying to eat something before heading to sleep.

* * *

In the morning Gwaine was hungrier that he could ever remember being. He made himself breakfast and he thanked the heavens that a) he owned a store that sold food and b) that he was so used on waking up at seven everyday that he had woken up without the alarm he had forgot to set. He was on his way already when his father called to ask if he needed a ride. As if, Gwaine knew that he had just wanted to make sure that he was awake and not late.

As his father had predicted, they got a call quarter past nine that a lawyer that had been appointed for Merlin was on his way to ask for details. Gwaine was not too happy about that, he didn't like lawyers and he didn't want to leave Merlin's fate in any of them hands. This conversation was going to be hard.

The lawyer turned out to be around his fifties, he was fit and he didn't reek of money and that at least Gwaine could appreciate. He was soft spoken and there was real intelligence behind his eyes and Gwaine was sure that even if Merlin wouldn't be exactly comfortable with him, at least he wouldn't be afraid either. He introduced himself as Iseldir.

After listening almost quietly to Gwaine's summary of the story and listening the record of Merlin's interview, he seemed to think for a moment. "The thing is, that I have no doubt that this boy has told the truth… The evidence and his story are matching in every way and I don't even think he has exaggerated. This is a really horrendous crime." Ok, Gwaine had to admit that he had been a bit prejudiced in this case.

"But I regret to point out that all the evidence up till now have been substantial and I'm sure that the defence will point that out too. They will make it seem it's a word against word." He continued and Gwaine's mood darkened again. "The only opinion we have while hoping the DNA test will give us some definite proof, is to prepare Merlin to stand in the court and do everything we can so he won't crack under the pressure."

Before any of them could even blink, Gwaine had stood up and his chair fell down of the sheer force of the speed of his movement. "There is no way, Merlin is going to have to live through that." He put his foot down firmly. He would not let this happen.

"Unfortunately there is not much choice if we want to take this to court. If the victim wants, I can try to settle this with mutual agreement. We could probably make a deal of Mr. Pendragon having to withdraw his custody over Merlin and we could get a restraining order, maybe even a little money for his pains could be involved, but that would be it. The crime would go unpunished and even restraining order could be quite difficult to arrange if the defence got wind that we are reluctant of going to court."

Gwaine breathed hard and he stayed still only because this person didn't seem to like what he was talking about. "There are some screens we can put in place to prevent Merlin having to see the predator…" Iseldir tried, but that was nearly not enough for Gwaine and he said in a quiet and dangerous tone "That's not enough." That didn't seem to affect Iseldir who continued "Or we could arrange a live chat in the courtroom-"

"Don't you get it, that is not enough! Do you have any idea of how much that would take out of him? He would have to see that slime ball and who knows how his lawyer will try to break him!" Gwaine snapped.

"I know. But the law is how it is and we will need Merlin to be present to fight. I have already given you the other possibility." Iseldir frowned at the lack of Gwaine's professionalism. "But if you believe he is telling the truth, can't we just use what we already have?" Gwaine's tone was getting a desperate edge and Iseldir's features softened a bit.

"Unfortunately not. Even if in this case it would be better for the victim, you have to think about this for a moment. As an officer, you must know that the laws are in place for a reason. If I could now just march in and tell the judge that I think this boy is telling the truth, then how about in a different case? A lawyer with degree, education and contacts stands in front of a judge and tells their client, who has money to pay for them, is innocent or a victim of a crime and someone who wasn't fortunate enough to have that kind of a lawyer would get sentenced or without help because of that. That would damage the foundations of our legal system where everyone has an opportunity to defend themselves. It would be just a debate between two lawyers to see which was better at argumentation."

Gwaine couldn't really argue against that and he slowly sat down. He had forgotten that his chair had fallen down, but to his luck Percy had noticed this and he picked the chair up and placed it under Gwaine just in time. He felt empty and how much he wanted to take this pressure he was constantly feeling out to the lawyer, he couldn't. Iseldir had not given him the opportunity.

"If any new evidence or witnesses would arise, we could maybe have more opinions, but so far we don't and I think it would be better to prepare us to the worst." Iseldir continued with a more gentle tone. He must have seen it all during the years he had been doing this kind of job and still he seemed to believe in justice. Gwaine was starting to find respect for this man. In a bit wary way of course...

"We have a witness." Leon interrupted them and Iseldir snapped his head to look at the officer who had only introduced himself to him so far. "The predators son. He heard it happen once and we have his full testimony." The lawyer was silent for a moment and then he looked at his papers. "I assumed that he was on the witness list for he was living in the same house… would he be speaking in favour of his father?" He asked and to Gwaine this question seemed absurd at first but then he remembered that this man didn't know how much Merlin meant for Arthur…

"No, definitely not. He would tell only the truth of what he heard and what he had seen happen before that even if he had not understood what his father had been doing. Nothing more, nothing less." Leon answered with certainty and Gwaine could see that the boy had made a lasting impression on him. That was not a miracle, Arthur really had just something in him that was hard to ignore. When Iseldir turned to look at him, Gwaine could just nod and second Leon's statement.

"Then it would be possible to have him stand in court instead of the victim. We would still need to interview him with the defence present, but we could record it and he wouldn't need to be there during the court, even in a computer screen."

Gwaine knew he wasn't really happy with this, but it was better than previously and he felt a surreal amount of relief wash over him. But it only lasted for a while. He soon realised what standing against his father would mean for Arthur. How tall he had stood, how much he had placed Merlin's needs before his own and how truthful he had been, he was still a seventeen years old boy and standing against his only family in court would be something Gwaine really didn't want to force him to do.

He had known Arthur only for a short time. He had seen him once shortly before all this and heard some small things from merlin, but he knew with a certainty, that if given the opinions of standing in the court himself or letting Merlin there, Arthur would no doubt rise up his chin and walk in front of the judge. So it wasn't really Arthur's decision. There were five adults in this room who had the power to decide which one of those boys would have to face the legal system in full force in the most personal way there was.

"… I'll ask them…." Gwaine had no idea of what else to do. The least he could do now, was to be the messenger himself. Iseldir nodded approvingly. "Please let them know that the decision is urgent. I have to plea for this arrangement as soon as possible and Merlin's interview would have to take place before the court."

* * *

Arthur would have preferred to stay as still as possible, but when Merlin expressed the first hint of wanting to go outside, Arthur gathered himself and followed Merlin out. They walked around aimlessly for awhile and Arthur actually enjoyed it a bit. Merlin was in a mood he didn't remember ever seeing him. He was cheerful and wanted to go everywhere. They visited a cafe and bought some stuff as a take away. They strolled in a nearby park and ate their pastries there. They visited a bookstore and Merlin bought as many books as Arthur could carry. (Merlin had insisted on carrying all himself at first, but Arthur had just unceremonially taken them when it had become apparent that Merlin did not have the stamina of walking and carrying a bag full of books at the same time.) They had paid everything with the money Hunith had left them to go to eat and Arthur wasn't sure if he really was comfortable of using that money this way, but seeing Merlin happy was what kept him from saying anything.

Until he started to see hints of desperation behind Merlin's cheerfulness. "Maybe we should go back to the hotel…" he suggested after one more of what seemed to be impulse shopping on Merlin's side. This time it was a city map.

"Not yet, we still have to eat." Merlin just replied while paying for the map. "I'm not sure if we have money for that anymore." Arthur had to say. He had given Merlin all the rest of his money too. Merlin's eyes snapped at him and then to the ground. "Oh…" he just said and Arthur suddenly understood every partner in the world who doted their loved ones with money and gifts. If he had any money on him, he would have surely given that up just to see that disappointment disappear, but he knew it would have been just pacifying Merlin. That he could be used for money was not new thought for him, his father had warned him about that enough times in his youth, and even if he knew this was not the case here, he also knew that it would not solve anything to just delay the real problem by letting Merlin distract himself with shopping.

"We could just go and sit in the park for awhile… We could read one of your new books, right?" He asked hoping that a compromise would cheer Merlin up and it did. Merlin looked at him again smiling and nodded before turning to the direction of the park they had eaten previously. It was busy and there were lots of different people walking through and jogging or taking a dog out for a walk or just sitting on benches, so it took some time to find an open bench, but they did find one and Arthur made sure to sit in a way that left no room for anyone else than them.

They had read about twenty minutes (Merlin reading and Arthur reading what he could from behind Merlin's shoulder) when Gwaine called them. He had a break and he wanted to eat so he invited them to come with him. Merlin told him that they didn't have any money at the moment and that they had already eaten some pastries. Arthur was a bit pleased to see that Merlin didn't seem so obsessed in spending money as he had previously been.

"Not a problem, my treat." Gwaine replied and now Merlin looked a bit uncomfortable. "I don't want to use your money…" he said hesitantly and Arthur could tell that the food was tempting him, but he really didn't want Gwaine to do anything more for him, so Arthur took the phone gently. "Sounds like a plan, it's my treat the next time." He said smoothly. He was more used to this than Merlin.

They agreed on meeting at the same pub they had eaten just yesterday in half an hour, so Arthur pulled Merlin up by his hand as soon as he had ended the phone call. They had quite a lot to walk and Arthur didn't want to hurry. He let his hand linger in Merlin's much longer that was necessary and Merlin seemed to notice this. He blushed prettily with a small smile on his lips and Arthur would have held his hand all the way if not for the strange look some passerby was giving them causing Merlin to tense and pull his hand back. Loosing the touch this way left Arthur feeling sad and empty, but he managed to act like it didn't matter either way. He would be able to hold Merlin's hand when they were in the hotel again he kept telling himself.

The pub was much busier than yesterday even if the lunch was almost at its end. Gwaine was already there and when Merlin and Arthur had decided on what they would be eating Gwaine ordered for them all adding two beers to the bill. He even asked Arthur if he wanted something to drink, but Arthur said in a tone that suggested that he would pretend that he had no idea of what he had just seen and asked for a soda water.

Gwaine kept himself cheerful and friendly until they got their foods and drinks, but then his tone changed. It didn't surprise even Arthur, Gwaine had seemed a bit tense the whole time they had been here and it just felt that now they would get to know what that was all about.

"I… have to tell you, that we have send your case to a prosecutor and he had agreed to take on the case. The court will take place next wednesday…" Gwaine started slowly. Arthur nodded and Merlin just looked at him blankly. So he didn't have any opportunities for a delay then…

"There are two opinions… we could have you, Merlin, to testify in court against Uther, or… the prosecutor and the defence could interview you in the presence of an officer and those people you want in there. But… then we would need a witness… who has seen what have happened…" He really felt horrible saying this and before Gwaine could see any signs on Merlin's face that he had even the slights opinion on the matter, Arthur already spoke "I'll testify in the court."

This had been what Gwaine had expected and feared. Arthur would go not caring about himself just so Merlin wouldn't have to. This of course made emotion surface on Merlin's features "No! You don't have to! It's- I have to do it, it's me they-" but this was something Gwaine didn't want to hear either so he interrupted. "Merlin, this is not what someone has to do or don't have to do, I hate to admit that this is something we need to punish the predator according the law and I hate to even tell you that you have to do this, but right now, I want you both to think what you can do. Can you stand in the court? Can you take any kind of question, in front of judge and the predator? Can you stand up for yourself in that situation? Because it will not do any good if you can't." He was being harsh, but that how it logically was. He could just now see it that way when he had already said it out loud. The one who could take it, would have to do that for them both. For if they failed to put Uther in prison, even if Merlin's mother would divorce Uther and take Merlin away, by law there would be no means to lift Uther's custody on Arthur and in the worst case scenario Hunith would not have right to just take Merlin away, Uther was his legal guardian after all.

There was the shortest of silences before Arthur spoke again even if in much quieter voice. "I'll do it." There was no hesitation, just understanding of what he would really be needed of him and Gwaine could see how it weighed his shoulders. Merlin looked like he wanted to say something, but in the end he just hung his head and looked down. He couldn't do it and he knew it very well.

Gwaine took a moment to just let his emotions show. All the sadness and feeling powerless, he just let it show how he felt for them. Then he collected all cheerfulness he could and changed the subject. "Alright, I'll deliver the message. We'll get back to you tomorrow, I'm sure, but now let's eat."

It was hard at first to find anything at all to talk about, but after some time, the managed to get into conversation and now that Gwaine wasn't wearing his (Leon's) uniform, it was easier to just forget for a while that Gwaine was working in the force. Just once did Merlin hint about the photos and Gwaine managed to answer him in a way that Arthur wouldn't catch that they hadn't been able to find them. Merlin had seemed as relieved as Gwaine had been feeling devastated on the matter and Gwaine almost found himself glad that Uther had thrown his phone amongst the traffic.

After they had eaten, Gwaine had to head back, he told them very openly about what his evening would include, but he was not that sure if it had been a wise decision at all. Merlin seemed to get more stressed the more he heard and even to Arthur him talking seemed to be doing more damage it did good. By God, did he have to really accept that even the 'I'm sorry I have to go, but I have some urgent matters to take care of' way of speaking had its place? He sure hoped not.

* * *

Merlin was not alright with this at all. When Gwaine had walked them to the hotel, he had wanted to say at least two hundred times that he would stand in the court and Arthur could stay out of it, but Gwaine's questions prevented him from doing that every time he tried. The thought of seeing Uther again and speaking against him filled Merlin with so much fear it was a wonder how he didn't kneel over and throw up at the mere thought. He just couldn't do it and that was the harsh truth.

They returned to the hotel in silence and only when the door of their room closed Merlin was able to look Arthur in the eyes again. Hunith wasn't back yet so Merlin suggested a bit shyly they could continue reading on his- their bed and Arthur was happy to take Merlin in his arms so he could rest his back against his chest and read from behind Merlin's shoulder again. It was much easier this way and the position was comfortable. Somehow they managed to find the same pace in reading and after that they could comment and joke about some parts of the book with ease.

Arthur let himself stroke Merlin's hair absentmindedly at some point and when Merlin just seemed to snuggle closer to the touch, Arthur got a little braver. His focus on the reading was fading and when his fingers trailed to the nape of Merlin's neck causing him to blush, Arthur lost the interest all together. Merlin didn't comment on the book anymore either, but he was still stubbornly reading, Arthur could see his eyes move and he seemed determined not to move or in anyway indicate that he was affected. Too bad that Arthur could see his blush.

A smile broke to Arthur's features and he snuggled to Merlin's neck and let his nose burry in Merlin's short hair closing his eyes. It was a bliss, he had wanted to do this so many times… and now he could. It felt unbelievably good. Merlin still didn't say anything, but when Arthur opened his eyes, he saw that even Merlin's ears were red. He chuckled softly and placed a small kiss on Merlin's neck. Merlin sighed and he let his head loll slightly to make more room for Arthur.

Arthur nuzzled to the given space and he felt very much encouraged by this small movement. He again closed his eyes and wrapped his arms around Merlin's waist. It felt so nice to be in this kind of position and even if Merlin tensed for a moment, when Arthur loosened his hug just the slightest, Merlin relaxed again and continued reading. Arthur didn't mind, he was very much happy to just be like this and enjoy feeling Merlin like this.

He could have continued reading, but his mind wandered to think what Merlin was ok with and what not, it seemed a bit random to Arthur, until he again tightened his hold of Merlin without thinking and Merlin tensed again. Restriction, Merlin had been restricted with no choice or chance to get away, he was feeling scared when he couldn't move away. Arthur loosened his arms and Merlin relaxed to his touch even more.

Yes… that must be it. That's why it was ok for Merlin when Arthur put his arm under his pillow or leaned on him, but he didn't cope well when Arthur was holding him tightly or when he was hovering above him. That's why he had gotten so uneasy that one time Arthur had kissed Merlin with tongue, it had been close that Arthur had guided them to lay on the floor and then he would have been on top of Merlin… That… must have been very frightening thought for Merlin. There was not much strength in his thin limbs and Arthur was the exact opposite of that. Arthur wished there was something he could do to make Merlin understand that with him he would never have to be scared. Arthur would always, _always_ let him go if he didn't feel good about what they were doing, but he had no words.

Instead he loosened his hold even more and buried himself to Merlin's neck. He wasn't feeling that happy anymore, but he found comfort from the closeness he had to Merlin and soon he wasn't thinking anything at all except the soft scent of Merlin's shampoo and his quiet breathing and the soft sound of page turning now and then. They were still in the same position when Hunith came back about forty-five minutes after them.

When they heard the door open, Merlin automatically leaped out of the bed and to Arthur's bed and re-opened the book from different page he had been previously reading just when Hunith called for them. Merlin answered that they were here and soon Hunith came in view looking tired to the bone and carrying some containers that smelled deliciously Chinese.

Arthur let himself slide a bit further to his pillows, his side was feeling cold now that Merlin wasn't there anymore and he lazily turned to his side and hugged a pillow to make the coldness disappear while Merlin told his mother that they had eaten with Gwaine and that he was reading a new book he had bought "…and Arthur is sleeping." He finished and Arthur just nodded lazily realising immediately that he had done it again. Merlin had lied (even if it was just about a small part) and Arthur had seconded it silently to Hunith.

Like this, it was agonisingly obvious what had really happened in between the three of them for the time they had lived together. Merlin told openly what he could keeping his lies in the bare minimum while Arthur never told any of his doubts to Hunith who could have done something. He would have to stop that circle now. He would not let Merlin continue that habit any longer.

Merlin was now looking highly interested on the contest of the containers Hunith had bought and Hunith was preparing them a table to eat. Arthur felt that he had missed his chance this time. He just had no idea of how to open his mouth and say 'actually we were cuddling just a second ago, Merlin just leaped out when you came'. It just… he could see the hurt and shame in Merlin's face and the confusion and hurt in Hunith's. Just… no, not in this way, but he would talk with Hunith about this when they had a change to be alone. Or if neither of them weren't willing to leave Merlin alone (which was the most probably the case) he could, he would address this as something they would need to talk about when the timing was right and preferably when there wasn't anything right at the moment he could have to call Merlin for. It would not be good to talk about a habit of lying at the same time as accusing the other of just that.

Merlin didn't miss Arthur's mood either and he regretted of how he had reacted. His mother already knew they were dating and it wasn't that they had been doing something dirty or even that embarrassing. Merlin had leaped up without thinking when he had heard the door, but it had been a conscious decision to move to another bed. He should have sat down again. But it was too late now and he didn't have enough courage to look at Arthur in the eye and apologise so he focused on the food. He wasn't even hungry, he had eaten well yesterday and today too, but he also knew that him eating made both Arthur and his mother happy so it served as a distraction.

Hunith arranged some cushions on the floor next to a low coffee table and opened the take away boxes. Ok, Merlin wasn't hungry, but especially one container with a chicken in dark sauce and some cashew nuts sprinkled on top of it smelled divine, so Merlin sat down and reached for it with his fork.

"Merlin, that one is chicken, I took this tofu with shiitake and garlic for you…" Hunith said and Merlin stopped his movement midair. He glanced at the tofu and it did look good too, but he really wasn't hungry and the chicken looked the best. He glanced at Arthur who frowned slightly and Merlin understood. It wasn't that he was even now sitting on the opposite side of the table, keeping his distance, but the lying. Arthur didn't like it when he lied.

Merlin sighed and sat down again placing his cutleries back to their original position. "Mom, I… I'm not really a vegetarian." Hunith blinked and then looked worried and confused. Arthur could just stare. While he had found this same confession funny just yesterday, for some reason this felt entirely different. "What do yo mean honey?" Hunith asked and reached for Merlin's hand. Merlin let her take his hand and ran his free hand through his hair seeming to hesitate, but he had already started.

"I have been eating meat for the whole summer and most of the spring too… Just… never at home." He said looking Hunith in the eye. "Why, Merlin, I was so worried of your health and you still-" Hunith didn't sound mad, just more worried and slightly frustrated. Arthur knew that feeling very well, he had felt frustrated many times when Merlin had dodged him when he had been concerned about his health.

"Because I needed to be able to control something." Merlin interrupted his mother and Hunith went silent. This definitely didn't sound as funny as it had sounded yesterday. Arthur felt a chill ran through his spine and he heard a tiny voice inside his head 'control, it's not even about being restricted, but being in control…'.

"Merlin, dear, you will never have to think it like that again. I promise. You can be a vegetarian or you can eat meat, just tell me what you want. With this and with everything else, it's your choice." Hunith said after a pause and squeezed Merlin's hand. Merlin let his gaze drop for a moment before he took a deep breath and said with a steady voice "I would like to have that chicken, please."

Hunith looked at Merlin seriously, but then the smallest of smiles cracked on her features and soon Merlin chuckled. He had to admit that was a bit funny thing to say. "I'm not going to be able to eat that all… I'm actually not that hungry, it just smells good." Merlin said in a light tone. It seemed to be easier for him to be honest now. Maybe next time he could sit next to Arthur?

"I could also have a taste of that. I just bought what the waiter recommended, I had no idea of what you would like, so I thought we could share." Hunith said also sounding a bit happier now. She pointed at the beef in a spicy sauce and looked at Arthur. "Oh! I'll eat anything, really!" Arthur said quickly. He had almost forgotten that he himself was here too. What a strange feeling... Hunith just smiled at him warmly and gave him an one armed hug for she was sitting next to him. Arthur felt a bit warm and a lot out of the place, but all in all this was very nice.

Soon they were eating and the mood was getting lighter and more natural for all of them. When hunith had asked them more about their day clearly avoiding of talking too much of the things she had ran around the city doing the whole day, but Merlin and Arthur got that much that it was some legal this and that and that was enough for them. Especially Merlin didn't want to know anything about things that he didn't have to worry about.

After they had eaten however Hunith had something that interested Merlin very much. "I called some of my friends and I did a brief research in a library to find an apartment for us. I wanted to find something closer to your school… Would you like to go through what I have found so far with me?"

They did. Merlin was clearly interested and Arthur too felt strangely proud of getting involved to this kind of decision.

They went through the layouts and Arthur did his best to make intelligent comments of the layouts and the conditions of the apartments and the areas they were in. Merlin on the other had just looked generally interested and he didn't comment much until Hunith commented on how hard it was to understand the locations when she knew so little of the city "I have a map!" He said excited and jumped up from the floor with more energy that Arthur had seen him perform in ages.

When he returned, he laid the map open in the floor and Arthur started to arrange the A4 papers Hunith had printed in the library next to the locations while Hunith circled the exact locations when she found the right addresses. Merlin helper her to find them all. It really helped a lot and now Merlin had opinions. It seemed that some of the houses were in the area he had grown familiar of during this summer. One of the apartments was quite near Gwaine's shop and Merlin remembered how the building looked like, it seemed nice, but Hunith commented on how the pipes were a ticking time bomb in that one, so Merlin soon focused on a house next to the park he had drunk his first beer.

"It would be nice to live here…" Merlin said and pointed the map "Gwaine lives nearby…" Merlin commented and Hunith looked at what Merlin was pointing. "Oh, that's the one Susan told me about. Her neighbour is selling that one…" She sounded a bit hesitant and Merlin could understand that moving to live that close to a friend could be a bit difficult, but it wasn't like they hadn't been living basically like that in their home village, everyone knew each others there. He pointed this out to Hunith who had to agree to that.

They looked at the info very carefully. The house was a bit more expensive than the rest of the choices Hunith had because the area was nice and the houses were old in a way that there couldn't be anything too wrong with them because they were still standing. The apartment was actually a half of a bigger house divided in two. There were two floors. In the first floor there was a kitchen, bathroom and a small living room with a door to backyard and upstairs there were two bedrooms, one small and one bigger with its own bathroom that even had a small tub in it. There was also a small garden circling the house so they had some grass in front of their house and a place for a small table and few chairs in the back. The back yard was surrounded by a fence and there was a flower bed that went alongside the fence. The fence also separated their side from the neighbours side.

After looking it through and calling Susan once more to ask some details about public transportation and things like that, Hunith wasn't discouraged by the price anymore. She calculated that it would be possible if Arthur could pay for his own car and gas and Hunith would take public transportation to her school. While working three nights a week they would make it somehow. Merlin offered everything he had on his account for his mother and Arthur also told her that he could sell his car when the school was so near. Hunith was moved deeply by their offers and thanked them seriously, but she also told them gently that it would be the last resort.

In the end they agreed to go to look at the apartment as soon as possible and Hunith called the owner immediately. They agreed to go and see it as soon as tomorrow morning and Merlin looked at the street name from the map for a long time. It would be just few minutes walk from Gwaine's shop, past that park. In other direction from the park would be Gaius' home just under ten minutes walk from there. Merlin hoped that the house would be in good condition and that Arthur and his mother would like it.

So much had happened in such a short time that Merlin had forgotten that Gaius still didn't know what had happened and now Merlin remembered that. Would he have to tell everything to the old man? How would he take it? He was sure Gaius would be upset and he didn't want to upset the man he found closest thing he had ever had to a father, but for the same reason Merlin knew he would have to tell him. And Gwen… she was his best friend if you didn't count Arthur, and she had the right to know. But how he would tell her and when he would have the courage and strength to be prepared to hear her feel betrayed, angry or repulsed by him not to mention what kind of risk he took if he told her that he was now with Arthur… Also the school couldn't know. What would Arthur's friends in the football team say? Or others? Their classmates? Merlin didn't want to think about that, but the truth was that there was only two weeks before school started again and Merlin wasn't ready to it at all.

In the evening Hunith again left briefly just to buy a change of clothes for them all and get them somethings to eat in the evening and morning too. The night came quickly and Merlin found enough courage to lie next to Arthur even in front of his mother. Hunith gave them both a kiss on their foreheads like last night and told them good night. She hoped she could make them feel that she was really alright with them dating.

Merlin didn't fall asleep immediately like last night, but he closed his eyes and pretended to sleep just so he could keep listening Arthur's heart beat in the silent room. Arthur didn't object and he stroked Merlin's hair in a calming way until Merlin drifted to sleep.

* * *

Hunith was dead tired. She wasn't in the age she could just stay awake the whole night and brush it off as nothing, but she knew that even if she went to bed now, she wouldn't be able to sleep. When she had nothing to do, her mind started to torture her with thoughts of what had happened to her son and her heart ached with constant pain she couldn't ignore even when she was concentrating. She still tried to sleep, she knew there was much more to do tomorrow and she needed to be able to concentrate, for her boys.

Her day had gone well, in the sense of getting everything she had been able, done. She had received a phone call from the police station and she now knew that Uther's hearing would be seven days from now and he would be imprisoned until then. She had dropped the divorce papers to a legal office. She had made a plea to make herself a legal guardian of both Merlin and Arthur and made sure Uther had no saying in hers, Merlin's or Arthur's money. All that while searching for a new apartment.

Hunith turned to another side on her bed. Tomorrow they all would go to the police station to talk with the nurse who had examined Merlin after they had seen what would hopefully become a new home for all of them. Hunith wanted so much to give that to Merlin, to get him away from that house and from that man… It hurt so much that she knew that it had been her who had trusted her son to that man and now… it was just too much. She wanted to yell and she wanted to blame someone or something, but she had nothing, just herself to do that silently inside of her own head.

When Merlin had told how he had needed to lie to get some control of his own life back, Hunith had wanted to ask why, _why_ hadn't he said anything? Why hadn't he told her sooner? Just… why? Why did these kind of things have to happen to her son… But she couldn't ask those kind of things from Merlin right now. Maybe someday when the wounds weren't so fresh anymore, but not now. She would need to be close, she would need to make her son understand that he was not at fault and that she loved him very much and that she accepted him as he was all while being a parent to him. She had said that Merlin could ask for anything he needed, but she would still need to stay as an authority too. She would have to make sure that Merlin didn't try to compensate what had happened to him in the wrong way and that would be hard. Hunith didn't know herself how she would cope with this all, but she did know that she couldn't fail. Not this time.

With these thoughts she stayed awake for hours, but just when the sun had started to peek from the horizon, she did sleep.

* * *

The apartment was nice. As soon as Merlin entered the front door with his mother and Arthur, he felt like he had finally come home. The walls were clean white and the floor was wooden in an old way that the thick wood had smoothened during the years. It felt warm under his feet and he liked how it wasn't as overly polished as the parquet in Uther's house. It looked like it had life in it. The entrance was just a one square meter with door to a hallway that led to stairs (on the left side), kitchen (on right side) and to living room (straight ahead). The living room was cozy and it had nice big windows to garden and a door with window. The yard was spacyer than it had looked in the blueprints and it was well taken care of.

Arthur motioned Merlin to come to check out the upstairs and Merlin followed him happily. The bigger bedroom was right next to the stair end. Arthur opened the door and they wandered around in already emptied room. It was hard to tell how big it really was without any furniture, but Merlin could tell it was way bigger than his room back in his home village, but way smaller than his room at Uther's had been. There was a big window on the left wall (when you look from the doorway) and the bathroom was on the right side. There was also a walk in closet in the right corner of the room. It wasn't nearly as big as the one in Uther's house, but big enough. The bathroom was nice. The sink was next to the door and the shower was in the back. The tub wasn't big, but big enough for Merlin to sit in his legs straight if he leaned his back to the edge. He tried making Arthur laugh at him.

Arthur liked the apartment alright, but what he loved was to see Merlin so happy with it. "Is this how you used to live with your mother?" He asked. He knew that they had lived in a small house and this was kind of smallest living form Arthur could imagine. Merlin looked at him amused.

"No. Our home was way smaller. My room was about one third of this room and mother slept in the main room." Arthur looked at him surprised. Merlin's gaze became glassed and there was a fond smile playing on his lips.

"Sometimes it was cold in winters and we didn't have other heating than a fireplace in the main room, so I would take my mattress and sleep on the floor next to it. I didn't use my room much in winters." Arthur had no idea of what to say. He had never thought of asking about how Merlin had used to live and it just seemed so far away that Merlin had lived like- like that.

"Sometimes if there was a storm, the electricity would be cut and we always had candles just in case. My father built the house. It was supposed to be just a part of it, but he didn't have a chance to complete it and we didn't have money so mother sealed the end rather than continue to build it bigger." Merlin looked now sad and Arthur sat next to the tub and listened closely.

"I guess now it's gone… " Merlin sounded like he missed his old home even thought it had been cold and small and in Arthur's point of view, almost rural. Arthur rose to his knees and kissed Merlin's forehead softly. Merlin smiled at him a bit sadly. Arthur understood. That small cottage where Merlin had slept on the floor in winters, was his home rather than the place he had lived over two and a half years now. It was sad. Arthur wished they could make this their home and he decided that he would never ever judge this place by its size.

Hunith liked the place. Somehow it just felt nice and homy and it was just the right size. She talked about the condition and age and prize with the owner and the more she heard, the more she felt that this was a good place. The owner even told her that the neighbours were nice. A family with three adorable girls. Hunith was happy to tell her that she knew that. The only thing making Hunith concerned was the price. She definitely didn't want to take Merlin's or Arthur's money. She knew that she wouldn't have any money to spare for a while and she wanted the boys to have at least some freedom and luxury.

If she would only use her own money, she couldn't pay the whole house. She would have to loan about 10 000, which wasn't that large of a sum, but she could at most count to have three shifts with a trainee salary and with feeding the boys and keeping them clothed plus electricity and heating and such not to forget her transportation to school and to work, she would be on a very tight budget. Of course if there would be an emergency, she could loan some money from Arthur or Merlin… That made her really consider.

When Arthur and Merlin came down telling her how much they liked this house (even Arthur who Hunith had feared wouldn't be happy with a sudden change from luxury to a regular housing) she made a decision.

"When could we move?" She asked. Much would depend on that. "Oh, as you can see, the place is already cleared, you can move in whenever you'd like. I understood that you will still have to negotiate of a loan, but the sum is not that much from the price, so if I could have half of the price now, you could pay the rest when you get the loan." The owner, a sweet looking elderly lady told her lightly. Hunith nodded. Getting to move right now was worth everything. "Alright, Merlin, Arthur, what do you say? Should we move here?" When both boys told her 'yes' enthusiastically, Hunith told the owner that they would move as soon as possible.

After some paperwork and arrangements, Hunith got a spare key and they left. Hunith would go to visit a bank right now and she told the boys to go and get something to eat. They would walk to the hotel together and tomorrow they would go to Uther's house to get all the stuff they would take with them. Arthur didn't know how he felt about going back to the house he had lived all his life, but now felt foreign and somehow dead to him. Merlin on the other hand didn't seem to mind. Or maybe he did, Arthur wasn't so sure anymore how well he could read Merlin's moods.

They were almost at the hotel when Hunith's cellphone rang. It was Freya from the station and she asked if Merlin was there and if they had some time to spare. Hunith told Merlin and Arthur who it was and to the phone that they were nearby so they could come there. Freya seemed pleased and so the three of them turned around to go back to the police station.

* * *

Freya was standing in the entrance hall waiting for them. She seemed tired but happy and Merlin felt himself relax at her smile. There was something in her that made Merlin calm down. They took an elevator up and Freya took them to her room. Merlin tried not to think how he had been laying naked on the table just yesterday.

Freya asked if it was alright for Merlin that his mother and Arthur stayed and while Merlin felt uneasy, he knew he would have to repeat everything if he didn't let them stay, so he nodded only a bit reluctantly. Freya asked them to sit on some chairs she had somehow gotten to the room. Merlin wondered what she would tell them and he wished it wasn't anything too embarrassing.

"Well, the positive news are that Merlin, your blood test came back negative. You don't have any STD and there were no signs of infections or other alarming illnesses." This made Hunith let out a relieved breath and cover her mouth with her hand. She was close crying in relief. Arthur also felt some kind of relief even though he hadn't even thought of the possibility of Merlin having an STD… now he actually realised that he should have been worried and it kind of made him feel worry even if there was no reason to it anymore. Merlin just felt like he was saved from a huge shame.

"The thing I'm still concerned, is your weight. Some of your vitals were on a low side and your BMI was way too low to be healthy. I have made you a meal plan for next month and I hope that you will stick to it and have some light exercise daily on the side. I trust that your mother will help you to stick to it." Hunith nodded seriously and Merlin took a folder with papers inside. It was a thick envelope and Merlin wondered when Freya had gotten time to do all this.

"I'd like to ask you if your neck is still feeling alright? Have you had any headaches or pain in the neck area?" Merlin knew what she meant but his mother and Arthur seemed confused. Hunith looked like she was about to ask, but when Merlin told in a calm voice that he didn't have any pains and that even his back didn't hurt anymore and he continued to how much he had eaten yesterday, it seemed that his mother let the subject go. For now. Freya smiled at Merlin warmly.

"I still have to ask, even if your test were negative, have you had any other sexual contact with anybody during all the time you were abused?" Merlin blushed like a tomato at that. Why did everyone have to ask that? He shook his head his hands in front of his face telling her in no way calm and collected way that no, of course no, just no. Freya seemed pleased at that and while Merlin couldn't look even at Arthur's or his mother's direction, he was happy that they both remained quiet.

"Alright, I'm going to want to see you again in two weeks to see how your weight has changed and to take a blood sample. I have my own working space in this address." She said and handed both Hunith and Merlin a card "You can call me next week and reserve a time. I would like to take some samples from you also before you go, but Merlin and Arthur are free to go now." She directed her last words to Hunith and she nodded at her telling Arthur and Merlin go to eat. She would join them soon and then she would go to the bank. Merlin was relieved that he could go and Arthur who looked a bit embarrassed, stood up also glad that they could go.

* * *

The night was not so much different from the previous one and they again sat on the floor eating while Hunith told them of the possibilities of the loan. Arthur was still saying that Hunith could use is money and he had some very good arguments to side that, but to Hunith it seemed that Arthur was offering the money for a wrong reason. To her, it seemed that Arthur was trying to make amends for his father's behalf and that just wasn't right, so Hunith kept telling him the best way she could, that Arthur didn't have to give his money to her. That it was not his responsibility and she also told him very openly how he would need to use his own money for things like his car and so on in the future. She knew even if Arthur said now it was fine, he would be in for a shock later. Merlin would be fine, he was very much used to not having any money so Hunith trusted his word when he said that he would be alright with little money, that he didn't need anything that big anytime soon.

That night, however was the first night after Uther had been arrested that Merlin saw one of his regular nightmares. It wasn't that bad, just normal, but it was enough to make him again feel that he wasn't safe. That Uther could still walk and he now knew for sure what Merlin had told the police.

He didn't sleep that night anymore and when Arthur woke up four hours later, Merlin pretended that he had just woken up and had been reading a book. He would stop lying, he promised himself, but just this once. His mother and Arthur had done so much and he didn't want to make them feel on any level that they and not done enough so while they ate breakfast, Merlin sat next to Arthur and he told his mother how nice it would be to eat her cookings again.

* * *

Gwaine blinked slowly. He had just opened the door of the windowless room number two and the world was too yellow and too bright. The sun was rising. The sun was rising and he hadn't slept. The sun was rising, he hadn't slept and he wasn't drunk. Why, oh why…

After he had seen Merlin and Arthur in the pub, Gwaine had been a man on a mission. Percy had needed to make him step out once just so he would calm down and more than once so he would slow down. Gwaine had of course given him a silent treatment after those, but in the long run he knew that it had been for the best. When the only action he got was going through interviews and papers and evidence, he tended to get a little bit crazy. Speaking of evidence, there had been plenty.

It was horrendous to watch and the more he did, the more Gwaine had no doubt that even with this the judge should send Uther Pendragon to jail with no rights to see any of his children or Merlin ever again. They had yet to contact Morgana whose phone had been closed but they would keep trying tomorrow- today, Gwaine reminded himself without humour. Now they would only need some evidence that was not substantial. If only they had those photos…

The last days, Uther Pendragon had done everything to delay their work. He had refused to talk, he had refused to give a DNA sample and he had refused to admit anything at all. The DNA sample would be easy. All the circumstances taken into consideration, they would need one phone call and the new search warrant would be on it's way. After that Uther would either give the sample or Gwaine would have the honour of pinning the bastard on the ground while Freya would take the blood sample. They just needed to wait till the office hours and Gwaine almost hoped that Uther would not go down easily.

Getting Uther to talk wouldn't be that easy, Gwaine had actually labeled that opinion as impossible the moment they had heard who would be Uther's lawyer. Gwaine had not recognised the name, but the face Percy had made left Gwaine in no doubt of what kind of a man he was. Ruthless, expensive and highly talented at twisting word and law to his will with no interest of who was innocent and who wasn't. Uther's lawyer would do everything with the delay he could to make his client seem innocent and he had made it perfectly clear that Uther would not talk at all without his presence. The official testimony Uther had made no doubt with some help from his lawyer, was that Merlin had some older flings and that Uther had tried to keep him safe by not letting him out alone, but he had skipped school and drank and got into trouble and finally taken some of these older boyfriends home during the days no-one had been home.

It all was a mess and the major set back they had, was that Freya's samples had been incomplete pieces of DNA save for the skin found under Merlin's nails, but that piece of evidence had soon morphed to be a result of Merlin's hysteria when Uther had tried to free him when he had found him. There had been quite a large amount of hair and even some bubic hair from Uther in Merlin's clothing and his room, but the lawyer had pointed out that the crime scene was not in anyway sterile. Uther lived and worked in the same house and his office was next door from Merlin's room, their laundry was done in the same washing machine and so on so forth. It was all just substantial and in theory could be explained with either of the stories. There had been even some hairs found that didn't belong to Uther or Merlin and boy had the lawyer been happy about that.

This was the side of the law Gwaine hated. It just didn't sit well with him that those with money could win and trample down those who weren't, children, poor and uneducated just because they had money, not because it was right. He swear to himself that he would not let it happen this time. It just couldn't happen this time.

And to top it all, the lawyer (Adr- something, Gwaine was currently calling him 'The Adder') had made an official complaint of Gwaine. He had caught on the detail that Gwaine knew Merlin, had visited Uther without uniform and was still in this case. At the moment he was shouting left and right how he had dug from the records of surveillance camera from Gwaine's store how he had taken Merlin to his back room twice during the summer. It was like a witch hunt really...

Gwaine wandered to his father's office. His father had left just before midnight when his wife had called and made it perfectly clear that it was time to come home. Gwaine had barely noticed when his father had popped by to tell that he was leaving, but now, he kind of wished he was here. It was an unnerving feeling and Gwaine groaned when he sat on his father's desk. The chair was soft and well used, Gwaine could feel where his father's butt usually was. Disturbing, that was disturbing.

The lack of sleep caused Gwaine to just stare into nothingness for a while. Percy had gone to take a nap on a couch about two hours ago and soon after Leon had fallen asleep against a table in the room two while Elena had never returned from the trip to wake Percy up. Gwaine had found her sleeping seated on an armchair opposite of Percy. That had been an hour ago. Gwaine had tried to continue, but he had to admit that he had his limits. He had gone over the same material at least twice and he just couldn't concentrate anymore.

He twirled around with his father's chair and his eyes fell on a book that was he knew very well. It was a collection of children's stories his father had sometimes read to him when he had been small. That it was here was a bit surprising, but that didn't interest Gwaine. The fact that he knew that the book was quite thick and quite tall, but it was not that wide. Its cover was sticking from the otherwise straight line of books and when Gwaine pulled at it, he found a flask hidden behind it. Oh, God bless his father and the slight tendency to alcoholism that ran in their family.

Gwaine opened the flask and by the smell he could tell that it was whiskey and quite expensive one even. He downed it all in one go and he immediately felt better with the world. It was not much but it was more of a mental issue than anything else. He felt like it had been forever since he had gone out with Percy after a long week and this week had been even longer even if it was only wednesday morning.

It was slowly ticking to seven when the phone on the desk rang. Gwaine didn't think much, he just took the phone and answered it with a short "yes?". He would have regretted it if he had been more awake. What the hell was he supposed to answer if they needed something from his father? But he soon forgot that along with his tiredness and the slight haze the strong alcohol had created in unison with his empty stomach.

"IT here… I found the photos you needed, quite amateurish if you ask me, but they are here. You want to get them from here or should I wait for the post?" A tired and slightly bored young voice asked, Gwaine supposed his father would have known who was talking. "What photos?" He asked his hope rising. He prepared himself to hear this had nothing to do with his case, but he couldn't help himself from sitting up straighter and leaning towards the phone while holding his breath.

"The photos for the case number 23-84-" The voice started but Gwaine had no will to listen to some babbling "Yeah, yeah, whatever, are the photos from Uther Pendragon's phone?" He asked with urgency not caring anymore that he had answered a phone that was not his. " _Of course_ not. The phone was closer to a minced meat than an electronically device when I got it, but he had copies on a cloud service and-"

Gwaine didn't need to hear more of the now highly offended sounding voice and he just shot up from where he was seated and practically yelled "I'll be right there!" before he hung up and ran.

* * *

The IT department was where all the nerds they wanted to work with the police felt the most comfortable. That happened to be two floors below the ground level. Gwaine could almost smell the electricity and cold pizza when the elevator's doors opened. The lights were dim and the place was empty save one desk, but everything was clean and even if the whole setting looked like an alien spaceship to Gwaine, he could see that the working desks were arranged in a way that made perfect sense for the people working in here.

Gwaine made his way to the desk that wasn't empty and he was greeted with an openly hostile gaze. "I would think that I dialled the wrong number if I hadn't wired my phone myself." Gwaine knew what he was talking about so he automatically tried to explain. "I'm the chief's son…" He had not meant to say it like that, oh God he was tired if he let something like that slip, but the reaction was not what he normally saw. "I don't care." The nerd said with a blank face and with a tone that was so rude that Gwaine couldn't really be happy to hear that like he would normally be.

"What I do care however is that you get this to the team that has this case, if you don't I have lost a memory stick and I'll have to answer an angry phone call. I don't like doing that." The Nerd continued and extended his hand holding a memory stick.

"I'm in that team…" Gwaine said not sure why he felt the need to be very careful with this person. Like if he talked too loud he would not give the memory stick, that felt like the most desired item in the world at the moment.

"Figures…" the nerd scoffed and Gwaine could now honestly say that he didn't like this man. Especially when he retreated his hand while still holding the memory stick.

"This was such a mundane task anyway… nothing too interesting here so what's the rush…" he started to rant and Gwaine lost his cool "So why didn't you complete it sooner then?" He was starting to get really irritated and he was too tired to care at the moment if he was being unreasonable or not.

For a short while Gwaine was sure that the Nerd would be offended, maybe even refuse to give the memory stick to him, but to his surprise, it seemed that Gwaine had awakened some sort of spark of interest in human interaction with his words. "Oh, that's the question. I would have been much faster if the owner of these photos would have had any idea of how to use his phone. That was of course, the luck we had. I started with going through his computer, his laptop, his work laptop and even his tablet that he seemed to use more to reading newspapers than anything else… but, he had connected all of those, or his secretary, I'm sure he had no idea of how to do that himself, to a cloud service. Everything was there." Gwaine could hear from his tone what the Nerd thought of Uther Pendragon based on his way of using his laptop, he didn't even seem to care that much about anything else. Gwaine would have found it quite distracting if he wasn't very much enjoying starting his morning with listening how Uther Pendragon had no idea that he had saved all the child pornography he had made to his cloud service.

"It was literally everything. Apparently this man had no idea how to use scanner, so there were thousands of pictures of some documents, I pity his poor secretary, and so even after I had narrowed it down to the format that his phone model had used, I was able to get _that_ much from the sorry remains your lot bought me, it was still about ten thousand files…" This fellow was young and he seemed like he really understood computers. Gwaine could only think that what he had gained in the intelligence with computers, he had lost in human interaction. He had yet to look Gwaine in the eye.

"…so I have used half of my night to writing a program that differs those files with mostly a white sheet of paper with some text on it while this screen here..." he pointed at one of his screens "had a slideshow of the files. I almost made it work. I just have to solve the problem of if the person in the picture is against a light surroundings… but well, he never was so I think that is covered in this case." Gwaine was momentarily distracted of the memory stick that was still firmly on the Nerd's hand.

"Never?" He asked quietly. "At least not in any of the over two hundred photos I found. I'll double check, but I think you can start with these." The nerd said and finally, finally, gave the memory stick to Gwaine looking a bit pleased with himself.

Gwaine would have run to the lift, but there was something in that pleased face that he couldn't ignore. "Thank you, you have just saved this boy." he said and he meant every word. The Nerd looked a bit taken aback. Maybe he wasn't used of being appreciated. "Yeah ok, well it was not that hard. A trained monkey could have done that really. Just get me the details like the stuff I'm searching for has been taken with a phone next time before I have used a day in a wild goose chase."

Definitely not used of being praised then. "I'll send you flowers when this case is closed!" Gwaine winked and waved at him when he was halfway to the elevators. "I'm allergic!" The Nerd shouted after him and Gwaine could not help but laugh. This character was so stereotypical that he had to wonder if he had been categorising nerds too harshly before. Maybe he could order this one a pizza one day…? He thought slipping into stereotypes again but not feeling it mattered much with this one.

When the elevator stopped, Gwaine practically danced out. He first skipped to the room where he knew Percy was still sleeping and he woke his best friend up with a loud smooch on his forehead.

Percy woke up when Gwaine manhandled his head up and soon after he felt something moist against his forehead and heard a loud 'smooch' sound. " _Gwaine_ what the-" He started highly annoyed and still half asleep, but with no doubt who was the reason of his discomfort.

"We got the photos!" Gwaine just stated sounding far too happy considering the time. Percy sat up slowly just to see Gwaine skipping out of the room. 'Of all the surreal things to see…' he thought trying to get his brain to function. He rubbed his eyes and looked up just to see Elena smiling knowingly at him. Percy hated that knowing smile. He had seen it too often and by God he wished he could do something to get rid of it.

"Umm, Gwaine seems to have something…" He tried and Elena just smiled wider. How, how could he make them all understand that Gwaine just was like that and that they were not secretly dating?! Percy would pay quite a large sum for that answer.

But he had no idea of how to handle the situation, so he just rose up and followed Gwaine before Elena would say anything. It was always the worst when they said something.

* * *

A/N Hello, hello! My cousin is here and he shared his internt connection! Damn I'm happy... It feels a bit pathetic of how much it has affected me not to have my own internet, but oh well, I can always blame this story... :P

While you have been waiting for this chapter, I decided to make it a long one, so I hope it makes up to you a little. The last part was not supposed to be in this chapter, but because mersan123 quessed the cloud bit, I just had to add that part, making the chapter even longer than I intended :D

All in all, thank you again for your comments, I adore them all :) Just a small reguest for Guests, if it's not too much trouble, could you make up a name for yourself? That way I would know it's you and you would find my replies I write to you more easily. If you don't feel comfortable with naming yourself, that is very much alright, just a thought :)

Skypeoplephoenix732 Yeah... Gwaine's father knows Gwaine that well that he was kind of prepared that he could change his mind. He was actually quite surpriced that it hadn't happened much earlyer... It's not by the book, but there are some perks if you happen to be a child of some-one in high position. I worked long and hard for Arthur's character and how to modify it to modern day. And it took this long to finaly start to really lay it open what I have been doing with him. I hope it works :) Hunith really accepts her son as he is, it will just need some more time for Merlinto trully understand it even if he can now trust his mother more.

Angel Dove1 I have relaxed quite a lot and the lack of internet doesn't bother me that much anymore, I just went a little bit crazy when I thought that I would have internet and then I didn't... Not a nice surprice... I'm so happy how well you took the delay in updates :) I'm so happy that you liked that scene in the hotel! I thought how that revelation would go quite a long time, how does one tell their mother that they are gay with their step-brother? Really, no idea, but I was writing about them getting a new appartment and it just felt so wrong to go on hiding and sneaking around while neither of them wanted anything more than to be close, so that just kind of happened... At this point I'm not too sure if I'm writing this story, or if the story is writing itself... Gwaine can't fail, he cares for Merlin and he is desperate to make everything right. He's also not so realistic. He hasn't worked long in the force and he feels that Uther has to be punished because he has made a horrible crime. That would be right and there is no way that he can fail so he takes every set back very hard. He is also learning a lot at the moment. It's great you like him :) Uthr really played it safe, he knew that the phone couldn't be found, so he actually deleted all the pictures before he let it fall, but that's not important and only Uther knows it so it's not mentioned in the story. I will hold the right to refuse to write anything from his point of view. I loved how you tod me your favourite line! Please, if you have those, tell me about them more often! Thank you so much, I'm so happy that you liked that one :)

bubzchoc Thank you :) Nice to see you again!

Insanereviewer Wow, I thik you made a new record! I couldn't fit this in my screen even in two parts! Yeah, the time goes by and there is life outside of the abuse and so the time passes... It's the same for Merlin. If you imagine the horror of being raped, how it consumes all ones thoughts, but in this kind of carefully laid, manitpulative sexual abuse, the victim just have to continue on living. Day by day it had become a part of Merlin's life and the time passes... It will be a shock for Merlin too eventually how long this has been going on... We will see more Feaya, don't worry :) They will want her to testify. I'm happy you liked Gwaine's father! And yeah, he has seen everything in his years, so he wouldn't risk anyones life because Gwaine wants to play cop... He knows very well that a criminal can walk free if everything has not been handled according to law. That Elena became an officer, was a bit of a coinsidence actually :D I had named her as 'Eileen' at first, but then I miss spelled it and the autocorrect morphed it to be 'Elena'... And she kind of would have made a great knight, so I decided to give it a go. I also cut her hair because I thought that if it had been a possibility, she would have done that :D I hope you will warm up to her :) I actually originaly had a much shorter legal proces, but it kept bugging me that Uther would have just given up his phone when he knew that those pictures could destroy him... Ending of this chapter should have been in the next chapter, but because someone guessed what was going to happen, I just had to add it here :P So you liked to see Percy in charge, great! I can assure you that Finna did not just drop the bomb :D I could have written it, but this story is long enough as it is and I wanted to keep the focuse on Merlin and Arthur. To do justice on Hunith's feelings in that short time hearing such news, I would have needed to write a whole chapter for that, going back in time and flasbacks and... I gave up that idea very quickly when it crossed my mind months ago. But since you are interested of how Finna told Hunith... Hunith went to the station knowing that both Merlin and Arthur were there and she was fearing for everything from a car accident (since Arthur was supposed to drive them from football to home) to getting into a fight and going in circles of what horrible things could happen in the city if they had not gone straight home (the station in not on their way home, so she assumed they could have gone somewhere on their way and not home like they were supposed to go) But she was atleast trying to saty calm repeating to herself that at least they weren't ina hospital. When she arrived, she met Percy. Not the most calming sight, so she was fist relieved to see Finna and then worried in a whole new way (what could have happened if she was also here?!) Finna then led her to the one of the most comfortable rooms in another floor (making sure they wouldn't ran to Merlin on their way). Percy told her the bare minimum (that Uther was in custody and that both boys were taken care of, stuff like that) and he was left with Hunith when Finna went to find Merlin (that we saw). When Finna had Merlin's premission, she prepared to tell Hunith everything. Mostly she liked to let Tilly learn from experience, but this she wanted to handle with experience. Letting some-one know of these kind of crime is not an easy task. There are some guidelines, but mostly one has to look at the peron very carefully. Finna took Huniths hands to keep her calm and spoke with gentle, but firm tone and started slow, but not too slow so Hunith did have time to understand what had been told to her, but did not have time to start imagining anything that had not happened while waiting. Also is important to tell that everything is alright at the moment and to make sure as a part of the police work that Hunith was not involved or aware of the situation. Basically: "Mrs. Pendragon, your son, Merlin, has been a victim of a crime committed by your husband. At this point I want to tell you that he is safe and that he is well taken care of, but you have to understand that before you can see him, we would like to know if you were aware of the situation as it was." *imagine Hunith's reaction here* When sure that Hunith knew nothing, (not very throughoutly investicaded because of Merlin's word and will) reassure that Merlin is safe now and explain the nature of the crime calmly and without sugar coating, but with no details other than how long and so on... Did that answer your guestion? Huh, you really awaken an insanereplier in me... That Merlin felt and still feels that this is his fault and that he has a reason to be ashamed of himself is because of the predator has morphed his whole view of the world to be such. He doesn't see this as we do, to us it's clear as a day that Merlin is a victim and the poor boy who we all should take care of and Uther is a ball of slime who needs to be locked away, but in Merlin's mind every word towards him that is not angry feels like someone is doing him a favour and he doesn't really see what really has been done to him yet. And all this is new, he is not used to this kind of reaction to his sexuality and everything else and it frightens him in it's own way. He's not sure what to do in this new mental enviroment. You mostly summed it up what makes childabuse such a horrible crime, it was great to read :) And you also understood Arthur so well! It's so nice that I have been able to write him so it shows how I built his character :) As I said, this whole situation is so new to Merlin, so he is kind of testing his boundaries in it and besides, he just couldn't find any will to keep on lying and hiding especially Arthur next to him... Merlin's sexuality was the thing Uther used to his benefit and had Merlin talked it out with his mother before or after, it would have made Merlin doupt Uther's word and it might have ended difrently. He's not stupid, so if he had been able to be like "Oh, my mother knows I'm gay... what of it?" He would most propably got scared of Uther's opinion, but he had been able to talk about it with his mother - Hunith would not have married Uther, if she had suspected a posibility of violence, she would have left. So the lesson of this all, even if you dodn't want to go out and tell your son that you think they are gay when they are yet not even interested in dating, good, but you can still let your opinions show without being direct. I sure as hell hope that I'l be able to do that if I'm ever blessed with children... Umm, be ready to pount... I just checked, we still have at least three chapters to go before Morgana... maybe more, depens of the part I'm rewriting, of how long it will be... But I promise we will get some more Arthur and Merlin moments in between :) God, this was long reply, I'll have to stop here for now, but hope to see you again! These conversations with you sure are interesting :) + Yeah, I thought that your review was cut... there must be somekind of limit... It's a bit weird that it let you type anyway, but well, at least it was proved that you made a new record :D

Guest Yeah the phone... But I hope I made it up to you :D Hunith has a lot to make up with her actions and words to make Merlin feel better and heal. One misplaced word can destroy a lot of effort, it's not going to be easy. Glad you liked her using Uther's credit card, I kind of enjoyed it too... :D

mersan123 Hi! Susan mentioned! I'm glad that you found Hunith's reaction the way you did, I wrote it like ten times to get it right and I still felt it wasn't enough, but then I decided to divide all that I had written to many chapters... I'm very happy to hear that it worked this way :) Merlin is brave, even if he doesn't feel that way because he is so scared all the time, but that is the definition of brave, doing something even when you are scared of it. But to be fair, he needed to get it out for he needed to really know how his relationship with his mother was, he couldn't live in another lie and also the thought of moving into a new home with Arthur still as his 'step-brother' having to sneak around... He just felt it would have been too much. About the phone... This chapter turned out really long, because of your comment. I was planning on cutting it before the part of them going to see the house, but I just had to add the rest because I couldn't find a way to tell you that maybe the pictures might be in the cloud... Hope you enjoyed that part :)

Chibi . warlock I hope I have been able to write how Hunith feels even if it not in her point of view in the future too :) Thank you for your kind words. I kind of enjoyed her using the credit card to pay for the room too... I bet you are not that mad about the phone anymore ;)

Hime-Chan1201 Oh my! Thank you so much! I remember you, you have the cutest picture of Merlin as your avatar, it's easy to remember ;) You make me so proud of myself, I worked a lot for the characters and hearing you tell me that you liked them... I have no words. In the begining I was a bit worried if I could write cute stuff, so I'm also happy to hear I can :D Thank you, I hope you enjoyed this chapter's Gwaine moment ;)

Guest Ah, the internet thing is kind of complicated... I have the story in my computer, it's kind of ready, but I have been rewriting some parts of it and one of them happens to be this one. Basically everything to do with the lawyers are new, because I found some laws I wasn't aware of when I first wrote this. Then, I'm supposed to add it all to a Googledocs so my beta can see it and I can't even write to Googledocs if I don't have internet connection. Then I would again need internet to upload the chapter. And the problem with this all in my grandmother's computer... she had placed it so my back it to the whole house and I'm not sure if I want to explaine this to her... Actually I am sure that I don't want to explain this to her at all. Plus her computer is old and using Googledocs is a p.a.i.n. My native tongue is finnish. I hope to see you review again, maybe you could make up a name for yourself so I would know it's you :)

Ageha18 Thanks! :) I'll try to reply to your both reviews here... I have not seen law and order, I'm not sure if it's aired here... I'll keep the name in mind though, if I happen to come across it :) I thought it through what would have happened if Hunith had not reacted so well, but I really, really wanted a happy ending, so... Uther will try everything he can, as you saw in this chapter ;) But well, let's see, let's see... I'm trying to make the court case realistic, even if this is no my field... You said that abuse could have been mild or extreme and well, Morgana aside (not going to give anything away!) abuse can be a number of things, but people handle it very differently. 'Just' some touching in innapropiate places can make someone feel uncomfortable and avoid touch for years and years while someone else recovers much severe cases of abuse the minute they don't have to see the predator anymore... We will see some reactions in this story quite soon, I hope you enjoy them :) If you feel that I didn't answer all your questions, just leave another review or you can PM me, I'll answer the best way I can :)

coke-river Wow, thank you! :) I hope you will enjoy the rest as much as I do, many thanks for fav, I saw you didn't have so many of those so I feel special ;) I also found some very interesting stories there, so thank you for that too!

thejammysod Awesome! I have to say that I strugled with Hunith. I tried to make her reaction as good as possible while not using the whole chapter for her feelings... So I'm so happy that you found it the way you did :) The phone... I think I covered that one in this chapter, but I'm a bit happy of the plot twist I was able to make with that on :D Basically my plot is that Hunith and Uther get married, Uther abuse Merlin, Merlin and Arthur fall in love, Uther get's what's coming for him, happy ending, yay! ...So every time I manage to make something like a plot to this, I'm secretly a bit happy with myself... :P Ah, the scene in the hotel, nice to hear you liked it, because I kind of made up that boyfriend bit and I created the whole scene around it. But I have to admit that I enjoy it too ;) The credit card... it will be mentioned again, jut wait for it ;)

Guest Thank you so much! That is the best thing to hear, I'll try to better myself in the future too! The happiness is btw mutual, I'm so sick and tired of writing about Uther at this point...


	34. Chapter 34 - Packing, unpacking

When Arthur woke up on thursday morning, he felt like he was standing on an edge of a very steep cliff. Today he would have to go to the house he had grown up. Today he would have to go through all his stuff he wanted to take with him and move to a new home. Hunith had tried to comfort him yesterday and make him ready for the moving, of saying goodbye to his old home. She had tried to make him feel safe and she had reminded that he was very much welcome and that he would have a choice to make his own decisions if he ever felt he had changed his mind and there would be no hard feelings in that. If he wanted to try to get in touch with his sister, she would help him with that. It had helped in a way. After their conversation Arthur had felt a bit surer of his relationship with Hunith, even if this whole talking like equals with an adult, a parent? had felt foreign and because of that a bit stressful.

But that wasn't what had been weighing Arthur's mind. He hadn't even thought of how final his decision to move in with Merlin as his boyfriend had been for he was absolutely terrified of even seeing his old home. The hotel had felt like a safe, comfortable nest he could share with Merlin who he loved and Hunith who took care of him. The house he had thought he had known inside out on the other hand felt like a sum of his life as it had been. Cold, lonely and full of lies. And what didn't make this any easier was that they had a schedule.

When Hunith had asked if Arthur wanted to go to his practises, Arthur had just thought that sure, something normal would be very much welcome, but when Hunith had nodded at him approvingly stating that then it would be as good time as any to go and pack their belongings, Arthur had wanted to take his words back immediately or deny that he needed to go home for that, but he knew very well that all his football stuff was in his car and his car was in the garage where he had left it on monday. That small pause he had made when he had thought this, allowed Hunith to continue how she was sorry to ask them this, but she would need help with packing. She couldn't decided what they would want to take with them and what not.

Arthur had to accept this logic and he had tried to tell himself that it was better to do it now and be over with it. They would move to the new, nice and definitely not too small house where he would have a real room to share with Merlin. Still when he had to step out from the hotel room and close the door behind him, he couldn't stop thinking why his brain had to make entering and exiting rooms such a big deal.

The twenty minute ride with a cab (which was the last thing Hunith wove she would pay with Uther's credit card) was quiet. Hunith was nervous and she kept looking at them both very closely. Merlin didn't seem to mind much, it was actually quite weird how little he had reacted when his mother had asked if he was ok going back to the house. He had just shrugged, really looking like he didn't care much either way and told his mother how he would rather live through the trouble of moving himself than letting Arthur mess up his stuff.

Arthur tried to stay relaxed, or at least look like he was, but he had also let himself edge as close to Merlin as possible. It helped him to keep it together. In a weak moment he thought that it would have been easier if Merlin was fidgety or nervous or even scared. Just something, anything else than this passiveness that would allow Arthur to concentrate on taking care of him rather than dwell inside of his own head. But when he really thought that in words in his head, he felt horrible and guilty and just a lousy human being. Of course he wouldn't want that. What the hell was wrong with him?! It was just gathering some stuff and being gone for crying out loud...

Still he gathered some courage and took Merlin's hand in his gently for the last few minutes of the ride and concentrated on how Merlin was calm and almost looking bored. He didn't even blush when Arthur took his hand and Arthur could find some comfort from that.

When they climbed out of the cab, Arthur didn't let go of Merlin's hand. He looked at the house in a way he hadn't looked at it for years. It was so familiar that he hadn't really needed to. He asked one more time if Merlin wanted him to stay with him, but Merlin just looked at him finally blushing slightly and letting his hand fall from Arthur's in order to wave at him dismissively. "Nah, you go take care of your team. There is now way Mr. 'I get paid for showing up, I don't care about anything else' will suddenly start coaching."

"But are you going to be alright… I mean…" Arthur still tried hesitantly knowing full well that he himself wanted to use this excuse to delay walking in the house. Maybe he should ask if Merlin wanted to come with him actually… "I'll be fine. Mother is here anyway and it's not like this house will try to eat me." Merlin just said his face again mostly blank but also slightly annoyed. Arthur didn't want to annoy Merlin and he could kind of see now that he had asked similar questions all the time last night and this morning. Maybe asking once would have been enough…

"Alright… I'll just go now then…" he still felt a bit unsure of leaving, but when Merlin just started to walk towards the front door waving him goodbye and saying "Yeah, try to survive without me of the horrors of mundane tasks." Arthur felt he had no choice. He walked to the garage and climbed to his car before he could start feeling anxious about that too and drove off.

While driving further away from the house, Arthur's mind started to clear a bit. He felt concern for Merlin and for Hunith. Even if Merlin had seemed fine, what about when the door had closed behind him? What about when he would have to go to his room? Would there still be bloody shirts and broken handcuffs all over the place? How would Hunith handle seeing that? He wanted to be there for them, but to be honest, he seriously wished that he never had to see the house again. He wished that they would be ready with the packing by the time he was finished with his practices and he could just drive there and pack some boxes to his car and never come back.

These feelings were something he had not been prepared for. When Hunith had decided to buy their new house, Arthur had expected himself to feel sentimental or sad that he would never go to his childhood home again, but instead he felt somehow bitter and betrayed. He saw now how little fond memories the house held. It was a cold place and so much had been tainted now that he knew what had happened there. He felt too many memories surface in a whole new way and he felt like his father could pop from any corner while he wasn't there.

When he parked his car, Arthur had to take a moment to just breath and close his eyes. He wanted to hold Merlin close. That always made him feel better and more collected. He realised that he would have to tell something to his team mates of why Merlin wasn't here today like he had been recently and he had to tell them eventually that he had moved. He didn't know what to tell them and while he felt a need to tell everybody that he was moving in with his boyfriend, he didn't have the courage right now. His world had been shaken to the core in the last week or so and he couldn't risk of shaking the little he had remaining of the world he knew.

Also, he wasn't sure what Merlin thought of him telling that they were going out. They still had two years to go to this school after all. He breathed in and out couple of times resting his forehead on the steering wheel and he tried to concentrate on making up something to do with the team as fast as possible. In the minds of this all he had completely forgotten that he was supposed to plan at least something for the team. When he walked towards the field trying to collect his thoughts of what had happened in the last practice and what he had thought he would need to address this week, he realised that he only had ten minutes to take all the stuff out (Merlin usually did that during their warm ups and Lance had done that before him). What Merlin had told him when they and parted now made a lot more sense.

He decided on a basic warm up and just some friendly games. He couldn't make himself to care much right now. He just wished that the psychical activity would take his mind off of things.

* * *

The physical activity didn't take Arthur's mind anywhere. He couldn't concentrate and he kept seeing and feeling snippets of what had happened last monday and every few minutes his brain found something new that Merlin had done or said in the past and connected it to some other things. Like when Merlin had locked himself to his bathroom or when he had been unable to run in PE, or when he had snapped Arthur that one morning on the day they had kissed the first time. 'Oh God, I really did ask Merlin if father had been harsh… ' he remembered devastated and he had to stop running just to get his head stop spinning.

Eventually the coach scolded him for not concentrating which made the team grumpy for the unjust they felt. Their captain was the best captain ever and the coach could himself do something like Lance had always done. Nobody made a direct fuss but the playing was affected and the team work suffered and Arthur just had no will to do anything about it. It would have needed too much work and concentration he just didn't have at the moment.

By the time it was time to have a break and eat, Arthur was ready to give up and just dismiss the whole practice and go home. It wasn't like his father had any say on that even if the coach did and he was in no condition to be of any use to his team. He didn't even care anymore if he had to go to Merlin's room to clean up pieces of handcuffs or whatever. He just couldn't take the noise and his teammates running around him in a way that should have made sense to him, but at the moment just felt like chaos.

He sat down and looked at a package of food Hunith had bought for him from the hotel in the morning. Arthur didn't feel hungry at all and he was covered in cold sweat even though he had barely moved during the practice.

"Hey, Arthur, is everything alright?" Arthur rose his gaze. It was Elyan. He sat next to Arthur opening his own lunch. It was clearly made by Gwen and Arthur wondered what she would do when she found out what had happened. It would have been easy to just say that nothing was wrong and that he was just a bit tired or that he hadn't slept well, but he then understood that that was what Merlin would have done, so he looked at Elyan for a moment very seriously while he started to slowly eat looking at Arthur with honest concern. Yes, Elyan was a good friend.

"No… It has been a crazy awful week…" He said tiredly and Elyan stopped his eating. He hadn't expected Arthur to be so… depressed. And honest about it. "Has something happened?" He asked even if obviously something had. Arthur was one of his best friends and on top of that he respected him. He was the reason Elyan had found a way to vent his anger and extra energy and he had calmed down and eventually found his feet. Arthur had a talent of demanding the best out of Elyan while never asking too much and still he never felt that Arthur was somehow above him, they were equals and with Arthur he could be comfortable through everything. He seriously hoped that nothing too serious had happened.

Arthur looked at him with a pained expression and Elyan knew it was something serious. He remembered when his mother had died and he felt his own pain. He hoped no-one had died. He then realised who was missing. Merlin hadn't shown his face today. He felt his eyes widen. It couldn't be…

"We are moving." Arthur said and Elyan let out a relieved breath. That had given him a fright… "When I say 'we' I mean me, Merlin and Hunith. We are moving today." Elyan might have had some kind of comment of how not to frighten him like that, but it died in his throat.

"What about you father? Is he alright?" Elyan's voice held real concern but Arthur couldn't help but look angry at the mention of his father and Elyan backed away slightly when he saw Arthur's expression. Arthur had to breath in slowly to calm himself down. He again saw a snipped of Merlin's face from one time he had been sleeping in Arthur's bed and he had waken up looking frightened. He shuddered. Merlin had mistaken Arthur to be his father.

Elyan looked at Arthur with concern. Something was definitely wrong, but this wasn't the place and time to talk about it. Even Elyan knew that much. "Need any help with moving?" He asked instead and after a while Arthur nodded at him. "If you could come to help to unpack and carry some heavy stuff today… I'll text you the address." Arthur was glad that Elyan seemed to understand not to press him right now and offering his help… well, Arthur was happy that he didn't have to make Merlin help him lift anything heavy.

The brake was over too soon and Arthur felt heavy when he lifted himself from the ground. He saw Merlin dragging himself up to get something with a slight limp. The night before, Hunith had been away.

He couldn't do this. Arthur told the team that he had to go. He was sorry and he would make them sweat the next monday, he promised. The team was confused and some seemed worried of the sudden announcement, but someone (Arthur couldn't even concentrate on who was talking) said that Arthur was obviously sick and that he should go home and rest. They had no use on a captain who killed himself on the field. This was said in good humour and the rest of them accepted this excuse and many commented how Arthur needed to get better and sounding worried of him overdoing himself. Arthur, while he didn't say that it was correct, didn't deny it either.

Elyan organised some guys to take everything inside and he promised to Arthur that he would take care of the rest here. Arthur gave him a thankful smile and went straight to his car without even showering or looking back when the coach tried to yell him back to give him an explanation.

The driving didn't give him much comfort and his old home looked foreign and his distress just grew when he opened the door connecting the garage and the living room. There was no-one in sight and Arthur started to climb the stairs. There were already some boxes in the hallway and Arthur saw Hunith coming out from his closet carrying some clothes. She looked surprised to see Arthur but let it go and just told him that Merlin was in his own room. Arthur nodded at her and made his way to Merlin's room. He had to see him.

Merlin was currently emptying his desk drawers to a box when Arthur stepped to his room. The room was clean and there were none of the items Arthur had been dreading in sight, only some small pieces of yellow tape here and there probably marking something or the other. Only what Merlin was packing and few already sealed boxes were on the floor.

"Merlin…" Arthur said feeling like the room was trying to swallow him. He saw Merlin's bed and he shuddered. How could Merlin be here alone looking so normal was beyond Arthur. Or scratch that, how had Merlin been able to continue living in this room for so long was a miracle in Arthur's books.

Merlin turned around looking surprised and maybe a bit tense, but he soon relaxed when he saw Arthur. "How come you are so early?" Merlin asked after glancing at his alarm clock that was in an open box next to him. Arthur didn't know what to say. He needed Merlin. Right now. He walked to Merlin, sat next to him and hugged him tightly. Merlin made a small 'huh?' sound and Arthur just hugged him more tightly until Merlin patted him to his back in a confused but calming way. Arthur kind of remembered that Merlin might not like this kind of strong hold, but when Merlin didn't seem to mind, he didn't lessen his hold.

"How can you be so calm?" He had to finally ask still resting his head on Merlin's shoulder. Merlin seemed to think for a while and he looked around the room. "I guess I'm just used to it and besides… I don't have to come back." Arthur nodded at that. It didn't sound nice but Merlin was right. They never had to come back. "And besides, it's not all so bad. I mean, It's not the room… or the house. And here I got to meet you…" Merlin said shyly turning his face away.

Arthur rose his head from Merlin's shoulder and looked at him in wonder. Merlin's cheeks were red and Arthur felt his own cheeks warm a bit. Then he breathed out and he felt his facial muscles relax. Merlin was right. There had been some good days especially in Arthur's room and nothing bad had happened there. Arthur had kissed Merlin for the first time in his room and he had some fond memories with Morgana here from the time they had been children. He and Merlin had played football in the garden and slept in Arthur's bed. The house was just a house now when the threat, his father, was not here. And Arthur would never come here to meet his father.

He was starting to feel that coming here had not been a bad thing. He could pack the things he wanted to take to his new life without feeling that just twenty minutes drive away was this looming monster of a house.

Arthur kissed Merlin quickly to his cheek making Merlin blush some more and Arthur grinned at him. He felt light years better and he found himself wondering how come Merlin always made him feel so much better so easily.

After that Arthur offered to help Merlin. He didn't want to leave his side, he wasn't feeling that confident. It didn't take long for them to pack everything Merlin owned. After Arthur had lifted the boxes to his car, they moved to help Hunith who had much more to pack. Arthur had a closet full of clothes and stuff from his childhood and sports stuff and while Hunith had been able to pack the obvious ones, she needed Arthur's help to sort everything out. She had regret in her voice when she had to remind Arthur that everything wouldn't fit their new apartment, but Arthur wasn't a type to get attached to things like that. He found some of his most valuable memories easily. Even some of those he wouldn't take with him, because they were connected too much to his father.

When they had carried all the boxes downstairs, Hunith told them she would now inform the moving company that they were ready. They would be on their way soon and they would take care of lifting all the heavy furniture. Merlin didn't seem surprised so they must have decided on that while Arthur had been away. Arthur was about to comment how good idea that was, but then his eyes fell on the corner of their dining room table. There, laid neatly was a necklace Uther had bought for Hunith on their anniversary, her wedding ring and the credit card Hunith had used to pay for their hotel.

"How much does it cost to hire the moving company?" Arthur asked and Hunith paused in the middle of dialling the number. "I asked for two men and a van… it's not cheap, but I think it's worth the time we will safe." She said honestly and Arthur thought fast.

"Elyan promised to help and I'm sure we could carry all the heavy stuff. I'm quite sure that his grandfather has a van he could loan so it would only cost the gas." He could see how tempted Hunith was of this opportunity so before she could try to be polite and refuse, Arthur used the opportunity to convince her that it really was fine, they didn't have that much stuff anyway and that he and Elyan were as strong as some hired men. Arthur could almost hear Merlin rolling his eyes behind Arthur's back, but Hunith agreed that it would be a great help and so Arthur called Elyan to make plans.

Elyan was already on his way home and he immediately agreed. He offered to call some others to help too, but Arthur felt it was better the less there were people, so he only agreed when Elyan stated that Gwen would at least come. There was no way of making her not to come and help.

It would probably take at least an hour before Elyan would arrive, his grandparents lived just outside the city and it was at least half an hour drive from where they lived, but it was alright, that gave them more time to discus of which furnitures they would want and need to take with them. At least Arthur's bed wasn't optional because even if Arthur had been able to make her take his money (which was more or less exactly the amount Hunith had needed) as a loan (she wouldn't agree in any other way) because it would be cheaper than a bank loan (no interests) they wouldn't have any money to buy new furniture for a while. Merlin had offered his money but neither of them wanted to hear about that. Merlin finally gave up when Hunith told him that it would be better anyway to have some savings in case something unexpected happened.

Hunith was, of course, clear that she didn't want any furniture from her and Uther's room. She couldn't even think of sleeping in that bed anymore and it was anyway too big for her new room (she had already decided that the boys could get the bigger bedroom). The only things she would take with her were from their old home she had taken with her. Arthur helped her to lift a small kitchen table and four wooden chairs from the attic alongside a night table and some paintings already in frames and some boxes with linen and clothes and some kitchen stuff. Merlin was happy to see those, he told Arthur his father had painted the two aquarelle paintings and he blushed a bit when his mother showed one in a smaller frame that Merlin had painted a long time ago. Arthur liked it, he thought it was cute.

Arthur didn't have much opinion on his furnitures so he followed Merlin's lead. Merlin told them that it was ok, if they took his couch to their new living room but when Hunith asked if Merlin wanted anything else, he just shook his head looking repulsed by the idea. This made Hunith again look like she was about to cry and soon she made an excuse to go downstairs to see how many trips they needed to take to get all the stuff to their new home. It was the first time Merlin had shown any discomfort in this house so far and it hit Arthur quite hard. He had no idea of what to do or say.

It only took about ten second of awkward silence before Merlin broke it "The couch is not very heavy, we could try to get it out of my room ourselves." Arthur didn't reply but followed again surprisingly calm Merlin to his room and they removed the cushions and pillows from the couch and tried if they could lift it themselves. The couch wasn't that heavy, Arthur agreed with Merlin on that and he had no trouble of lifting it, but Merlin clearly had. His strength couldn't support the weight and even if he tried not to look like that in front of Arthur, he still was in a bad shape. His shoulder hurt from the stretch and his legs were giving in even when he just stood still, he didn't dare to try to lift one of them up in order to take a step, much less walk.

Arthur decided to not to call Merlin on it and just placed his end of the couch on the floor so Merlin could do the same. Arthur put the cushions back to the couch and when they both sat down, he gently guided Merlin to rest his head on his shoulder. Merlin closed his eyes and let himself relax while Arthur caressed his hair. He listened if he could hear his mother, but decided that now was the time that he wouldn't mind if she walked in and saw them like this. She had been so understanding when she had seen them sleeping in a same bed so Merlin tried to trust that she really was alright with this too. Trying to lift the couch hadn't been the best of the ideas, he felt his pulse in his legs and his shoulder was burning. He could trust that the wound hadn't opened from experience, but he still had to fight an urge to touch it to make sure.

Arthur looked at the room slowly and he saw snippets of Merlin handcuffed to his bed and Merlin vomiting in his bathroom and whatever his imagination threw at him. Arthur wanted to leave this room, but Merlin didn't seem like he wanted to move. His breathing hadn't evened out and Arthur noticed that his legs were shaking slightly. "You have anything here that you want? Like your desk? It's bigger than mine…" Arthur asked mainly to say something. He didn't think too much of how Merlin felt about that. He understood the bed, but if Merlin was ok, with his couch, Arthur didn't see why not a desk. It was full wooden desk with a very nice deicing. Morgana had chosen it and she had a good eye on these kind of things.

Merlin grimaced against his shoulder. "No. You don't want to know…" He said and closed his eyes tighter in a way that Arthur found troubling. Like he was trying to close his mind from a memory rather than his eyes from something he actually saw. Then it hit Arthur.

"On-on the desk….?" He asked repulsed, not really sure if he wanted to know and when Merlin just nodded against his shoulder, Arthur felt like he had to run away from this room. Now.

The only thing keeping him from doing that, was Merlin who was still leaning onto his shoulder. The dragging silence made some masochist braincell in Arthur head ask "But not on this couch?" He feared the answer almost as much as to his previous question even though he kept in mind that Merlin had accepted this furniture. If the answer would however be 'yes' Arthur was ready to jump off, gather Merlin in his arms and leave the room right now.

Merlin shook his head against Arthur's shoulder and Arthur relaxed as much as humanly possible in the present situation. "Try not to think too much of it. I like your furniture." Merlin mumbled tiredly. Merlin was still calm but to Arthur it seemed that he was getting emotionally drained here and fast.

"Lets go to my room. I'll carry this couch with Elyan when he comes." Merlin nodded and made a move to stand up. He wasn't too happy about having to see Elyan and especially Gwen this soon, but he had no choice and even if he was quite sure that if he had asked not to see them, his mother would have called the moving company and Arthur had let it go, but thinking that didn't sit right with him. He hadn't wanted to be selfish like that.

Hunith was currently stacking the boxes and writing on top of each to which room they were supposed to go. She had also made a list of the furniture they were going to take so they wouldn't miss anything by chance. To Arthur it seemed that she was just trying to do anything to keep her mind busy, but he also understood the sentiment behind her actions. She didn't want to come back here either.

They used almost an hour to empty all the books from Arthur's bookshelf and desk. Hunith packed what Arthur placed in front of her and he stacked what he wouldn't take against the wall under his window and carried all the boxes downstairs. He let Merlin choose which books they would take with them.

They worked mostly quietly for a while, but when Hunith started to talk about the new house, Arthur was very pleased to join the conversation to break the silence. Eventually Hunith asked them if they were allright with sharing Arthur's bed. She herself would sleep on the living room couch (the one from Merlin's room) while saving money for a new bed and she asked if they also wanted a second bed or maybe a wider one. Merlin was shy on the subject but at that point Arthur was comfortable enough to happily tell Hunith that he would like to sleep with Merlin anyway. Hunith smiled a bit deviously at that finally making Arthur also blush and Merlin shut down from this world.

"Anyway, I was thinking that you two could take the bigger bedroom." Hunith offered them trying to keep hold on the lighter mood they had been able to create and even if Merlin was still shut down, Arthur answered for the both of them naturally "Thank you, the room was great, Merlin also liked it." He was smiling a bit while thinking how nice it was how Hunith was taking this. If Hunith had been moody or nervous or looking as pained as Arthur knew she was feeling, Arthur was sure he would have been too. Having Hunith carefully telling him what she really thought and was doing without showing emotions like regret or hurt helped Arthur tremendously.

When he saw Arthur smile, Merlin managed to nod stiffly and he mumbled his thanks too. Hunith smiled at them fondly. She was feeling better and better with the decision to buy the house. The insecurity she felt of the decision to buy her first own house and how uneasy she still felt of taking Arthur's money aside, seeing how uncomfortable Arthur was in this house and how excited he seemed with the new one and Merlin… she couldn't even beginning to understand what he thought even though he had been very much indifferent and had practically pushed her out of his room stating that Arthur's closet wouldn't pack itself and that 'it's just a room for God's sake', Hunith was quite sure that it was essential to get him into new and stable environment. A place they could all call 'home'.

* * *

Elyan and Gwen came with an old blue van just when Arthur had managed to carry the last boxes downstairs. Merlin was resting on a living room couch, he hadn't wanted to, but Hunith had made him rest after she had seen how his legs shook when he walked downstairs carrying a box full of books. After laying down for a while, Merlin had to admit that it was a relief. He couldn't carry much more anyway, all the rest was too heavy for him. Merlin didn't rise to greet his friends nor did he make a move to even make his presence known. He would be happy if nobody talked to him for a while.

"Oh Merlin is there, on the couch." Merlin heard Arthur's voice and he grimaced. He soon heard steps and Gwen's face came to his vision. 'I should have pretended to be asleep…' Merlin thought bitterly but it was too late.

"Merlin, are you alright? Has something happened? Why are you moving so suddenly?" She asked immediately worried to the core and Merlin sighed and pain filled his expression. He didn't have energy for this and he didn't want to talk to Gwen. Especially not here. Gwen had never visited this house and Merlin didn't want her to look at his room thinking what had happened in there.

Gwen looked more worried by the second when Merlin didn't answer to her, but luckily Arthur saw the situation and came to Merlin's rescue. "Gwen, lets move first and we will talk when we get to our new house." Gwen didn't look satisfied but with one more look to Merlin who had turned his face away, Gwen nodded reluctantly. When she moved to help Arthur with something, Merlin let his breath out. He would have to talk to Gwen soon, but at least it wasn't now. He stood up slowly and went to take some of the lighter stuff to carry to the van.

* * *

It was late when Arthur dropped the last box of his stuff to the already filled floor of his and Merlin's new bedroom. He was exhausted. He and Elyan had single handedly carried every furniture downstairs in his old home and to the van, then everything out of the van and in the apartment. Some things had been ok, in Uther's house. The stairs were straight and wide and there was enough space to carry for example a 120cm wide bed without a problem, but here… Getting to bed to fit the stairs and to their room had been like a battle. Arthur's couch hadn't been much better. Arthur wished that he would never have to move these furnitures anywhere again.

Elyan was currently lying on the said couch. He hadn't whined even once during the moving but he was clearly as exhausted as Arthur was and now he let it show. Gwen was sitting on the floor, leaning to one of the many piles of boxes and Merlin was lying on their bed. He had been here about a half an hour after he had almost fainted from fatigue. He really wasn't fit for these kind of things. Hunith had gone to buy some food for all of them and she had thanked Elyan and Gwen like hundred times of their help.

Arthur was hungry and he was worried about Merlin. They had had some light lunch Hunith had made with what she had been able to find from Uther's fridge, but it was too long ago in Arthur's opinion. Hunith had also been worried when she had seen the time, but Merlin had just assured that he had been without food for longer times (not making Hunith any happier).

Hunith had let him decide what he wanted to eat and Merlin had asked timidly for a vegetarian pizza and if pizza was alright for everyone. At that point Arthur had been being crushed in between their room's doorway and their couch so he hadn't had any other opinion than food nor had Elyan who was trying to keep the couch in a position where it wouldn't fall back downstairs. Gwen had been fine with everything so Hunith had searched for the nearest pizza place from her cellphone. She was already halfway out of the door when Merlin had yelled after her that he wanted a chicken pizza instead of the vegetarian one. He had forgotten that he could do that now.

Now, they had nothing else to do than wait for Hunith and Arthur hoped that Gwen and Elyan would not ask anything before he got something to eat, but there was no such luck. "So… Are you going to tell us now why we had to suddenly empty your house and carry it all here?" Elyan had sat up and Arthur sighed faintly. He had to sit down for this. He sat next to Elyan and Gwen had turned to look at him looking mostly just curious, but also a tad worried. Merlin didn't say anything for a while, but then he also stood up and made his way to sit in the corner of the couch, next to their window, Arthur sitting on his other side.

Arthur looked at Merlin a bit worried. He wasn't sure what he wanted to tell and how and Arthur had no idea either. If he could pretend that he had no father to Gwen and Elyan, he would have been so much happier with himself, but of course that was not possible. Arthur felt embarrassed and guilty on the behalf of his father and everything was still sinking in and his wounds were too deep and fresh and even still opening all the time. He felt his battle had just begun. That and he couldn't even begun to think what Merlin was feeling right now. What kept Arthur going was the need to protect Merlin.

"My father did a horrible crime and he's in prison now." He finally said. His voice sounded distant to his own ears but it was surprisingly stable. Merlin turned his head to look at Arthur and brushed lightly his elbow giving him a signal that he wasn't alone. Arthur felt he got some sort of hidden last strengths he had stored in some deep place inside of him and it was unraveling when Merlin looked at him like that. He could do this. And then he would be useless until at least tomorrow.

Gwen and Elyan looked at him surprised their mouths hanging open. That mustn't even made it to the list of their speculations. "Wha- your father? How? When?" Elyan was the first to get his ability to speak back and even he had not much sense or order in all the questions popping to his head.

Arthur looked at him pained expression plastered on his face and Elyan wished he had any sort of idea of what to do in these type of situations. Gwen had always been better with this type of things but now she was quiet and still and Elyan knew her expression. She was too afraid to ask. From that Elyan guessed she at least had some sort of guess, and when Gwen slowly moved her gaze from Arthur to Merlin, Elyan was sure of that.

Arthur had to take few calming breaths and think his sentence in advance couple of times before he could make any sound come out of his mouth. He felt this so much harder than talking to a police officers he didn't really know. "He was arrested on monday. He- it was-" Arthur glanced at Merlin who was looking at him with shame and disgust on his face that was not directed at Arthur, but more like to himself. Arthur knew he was only looking at his direction showing support because he was thankful that Arthur did the talking.

"It was multiple rape." He finally finished not able to look either Elyan or Gwen. He knew how Elyan's mother had died. Elyan had 'told' when he was still trying to be rebel towards everything and Arthur had gotten him to break down. After that they had had a serious talk. After that Elyan had started to settle down. It was then when Arthur had started to think that he had friends, that Elyan had so much potential and that he was someone Arthur could be proud to call his friend even if he never met his father's standards.

Gwen breathed sharply in and covered his mouth with her hand. Elyan looked deeply troubled and he moved away from Arthur. It hurt, even if Arthur was quite sure it wasn't because of him, but that Elyan needed space. It was like the word 'rape' had hit him with a baseball bat.

There was a moment of silence that kept dragging. Until Gwen who saw something wrong in the way Arthur and Merlin looked. She breathed sharply in "No…" Her voice hitched and she wavered. She was looking at Merlin who answered her gaze before turning to look out of the window. "Yes… it was me." He said with a quiet voice. Gwen started to breath too quickly and silent tears run down her cheeks "No! It can't be! I… no…" her words broke down as her breathing came too frequent. She put a hand on her mouth and rose up with shaky legs and came to hug Merlin.

When Merlin didn't make any kind of movement, Arthur made room for Gwen and she sat down hugging Merlin who just stared out of the window looking almost bored. Gwen kept hugging him until her tears died out and even after that she had trouble breathing normally. Arthur fished a napkin from his pocket (with so much crying going on lately, Arthur had prepared) and handed it to Gwen who took it with a nod before blowing her nose and hugging Merlin again. Elyan looked like he had swallowed a whole pineapple.

Merlin felt empty. He had told his story already to police and he had talked with Freya. And his mother. And Arthur. He had cried so much already that he had no strength left for that. In a way he was glad that Gwen was crying so he didn't have to, but seeing Gwen so heartbroken made him feel so tired… Like the air around him was something thick trying to hold him down and even breathing it needed too much effort. His mind was blank and he was barely conscious of the things that were, had been or even where he was. He wasn't even sure what he was feeling at the moment. Maybe that he was relieved that no-one was yet to blame him at least to his face?

"Your- your father did… to Merlin…?" Elyan had found his voice even if it sounded the same he looked like. Arthur nodded and buried his face to his hands. He was spent. "I found out last week… I can't-" He didn't know what. Maybe nothing.

Elyan remained still for a moment, but then he patted Arthur's back and when Arthur looked at his eyes, he knew that Elyan understood. Arthur remembered how they had talked about Elyan's mother and he knew that Elyan was saying with his eyes to remember what Arthur had told him then. It wasn't the words for the situation had been totally different, but the message that he wasn't alone and that he had to go forward. Arthur was glad he had friends like Elyan and Gwen.

Gwen's breathing had calmed down and she was about to ask something from Arthur or Merlin, but then she seemed to realise something and she let go of still unanimated Merlin. "I'm sorry! I didn't think… I- I didn't hurt you did I?" She said and Arthur realised that Gwen knew how much Merlin didn't like to be touched and she had found the reason for that. Much like Arthur had, and he recognised the same fear that she had made Merlin uncomfortable without realising. Now and before.

Arthur was about to tell Gwen that he hadn't seen Merlin look uncomfortable, but to his surprise, Merlin turned to look at Gwen calmly and he said "Since when it is traumatising to have a hug from pretty girl like you?" He even smiled a little even if it didn't reach his eyes. Gwen looked like she was about to cry again and Merlin hugged her gently making Arthur wonder from where did Merlin find his strength all the time."It's alright…" he said to Gwen and Elyan also.

Elyan shook his head pressing his eyes. He liked Merlin and he truly understood what rape meant. The word 'multiple' kept ringing in his ears painfully loud. Gwen also shook her head a bit and rose her gaze and she looked deep into Merlin's eyes. "You don't have to act brave for us, we are here for you." Her voice was clear and sure and something shattered inside Merlin. He hugged Gwen again this time more desperately and Gwen put her arms around him and held him for a long time.

They were interrupted by Hunith who came home hands full of grocery bags and five pizzas. They all were hungry, even Merlin had appetite today and they made their way downstairs, Arthur first with Elyan telling him not to say much to Hunith, she was not well also. Elyan understood and tried to look normal.

Gwen let go of Merlin reluctantly and she took his hand briefly before saying "Thank you, for telling me. And I'm sorry how I acted… You must think I'm not very reliable just crying on your shoulder…" Merlin shook his head. "No… don't apologise. I needed a hug… and like I said, it's nice to get a hug from a pretty girl like you." Merlin tried to lighten the mood automatically. It was kind of formed to be a habit when he had to tell left and right not to worry about his weight.

Gwen looked at him with a small, sad smile on her lips "But that's not really your thing, is it?" She asked and Merlin had to stop to the middle of the stairs. "Wha-?" He wasn't sure if he was reading Gwen right. "I meant pretty girls. I mean girls, not just the pretty ones obviously…" Merlin could just stare. He was happy that Elyan and Arthur were making noise and going on about pizza fillings rather than listening what he and Gwen were talking about, but fear ran through Merlin and Gwen must have picked it up because she smiled at Merlin trying to look encouraging and hugged him warmly again.

Merlin couldn't say anything but he was thankful of the gesture. He finally sighed and turned his gaze down. How come everyone seemed to know his sexual orientation this week? He felt a sudden pointlessness and as he stood here, in the middle of the stairs, hungry, thin, hurt and tired, he wondered what has been the point of all that he had gone through. Then he looked at Gwen whose eyes were glittering with new tears and her eyes swollen and red from crying. She was still smiling at him and Merlin felt a spark of warmness in his heart. Gwen was still his friend. She had known and she still was his friend even now that she knew what had happened… Merlin grinned at him and Gwen's smiled turned real. Merlin felt that their friendship rose to a new level with that smile.

"Merlin! Gwen! We will eat everything if you don't hurry!" Arthur yelled and Merlin took Gwen's hand and they went to eat with the rest of them.

* * *

When Percy had dragged himself to the room two, Gwaine had been already opening the computer. He was still all glee and Percy felt a need to do something about it. Gwaine wouldn't be this happy after he had seen what that sick bastard had done to his friend, but there was no way of protecting Gwaine from that.

Still Percy gently but in a determined way took the mouse from Gwaine's hand and leaned over him to continue what he had been doing. He knew that to his friend it would make a whole lot of a difference to just watch or to be the one to push a button to make the next picture appear. This was one of the things that showed how inexperienced Gwaine was in this profession. Not everything could come from natural talent.

Leon was also waking up and when Gwaine kept practically singing 'we got the photos', he too got some energy in him. Elena was now in the room too and she kept smiling that annoying smile while looking at Percy who was hovering behind Gwaine to use the computer while Gwaine was jumping up and down in front of him on the chair he was sitting in. Was it that they were too close? Percy looked at Gwaine once and then pushed the chair sending it sliding across the floor taking Gwaine with it while muttering how he was on the way while pulling himself another chair. Gwaine just laughed like a child and made an extra spin with his chair, he was in high spirits after all. Percy didn't want to look up to see which kind of face Elena was making now.

It only took a minute to download all the files, send them to a printer down the hall and open them. Gwaine had rolled with his chair back so he could see from behind Percy's shoulder and Elena and Leon were soon leaning as close to the screen as possible. Gwaine thought it was a wonder what late nighters and working hard on something did to one's personal space while Percy dismissed (not the first time in his life) the thought of how people made no sense in regard of physical closeness. Why was nobody asking if he was secretly dating Elena now when her boobs were practically squeezing against his back?

* * *

What Gwaine had to see then would never leave his mind. First the pictures were like normal stalker photos were. Photos of Merlin where he clearly wasn't aware that he had been watched but still in normal settings like in hallway or in the garden but then they changed to be in places like in shower clearly taken from a crack of door and sleeping on his bed his upper button open and such.

Then it really changed.

There were photos of Merlin naked looking like he was about to die in shame. Merlin looking pained and scared while having a dick in his mouth. Merlin lying on his stomach Uther's hand holding him down his fingers in Merlin's ass and finally pictures of Merlin, handcuffed to his bed biting a pillow in order not to cry out of pain, silent tears running down his cheeks, Uther's thing up in his ass, Merlin lying on his back trying to cover his face while Uther had his way with him.

There were several pictures of some of the cases and there were so many that Gwaine lost count. He felt sick. This was what Merlin had been so afraid of. He had confessed that Uther had threatened him with these photos, Gwaine had mentally kicked himself for forgetting every time he had listened the recording again, but this was something else. This was horrible and a vivid reminder of what rape really meant.

As the pictures went on, Merlin seemed to get thinner and thinner and Gwaine couldn't help but think that Uther had liked to keep Merlin thin so he stayed young looking and vulnerable. This man was a pedophile and by the look of things he had enjoyed the control he had over Merlin.

When Percy hit the last picture and the screen turned black, they were silent for a moment. It was broken by Leon who pointed out that it would be the best if they called the prosecutor as soon as possible and it would be great if they could use Freya to point out any damage she could from the photos.

"I need some air…" Gwaine just told them and walked out of the room. The rest of them just watched until Gwaine was out of sight.

Soon Percy stood up to followed Gwaine and nobody stopped him. Leon sat in the place Percy had occupied just a minute ago and went through the photos again. He selected those which showed clearly what was happening in the most gruesome way but didn't show Merlin's face. They would use those in the court. No-one could safe Uther Pendragon from these photos that he ironically had taken himself, he thought.

Percy found Gwaine sitting besides an open window and looking out to the city. He just sat next to his friend and they sat there quietly until Gwaine was ready to return to the world outside of his head

"After I get paid for this, I'll take us all to drink until I forget ever seeing those pictures." He told Percy as they walked back to work. Percy nodded at him knowing full well that Gwaine would never really forget but after this they could all use one killer hangover to make them forget at least for a while.

* * *

A/N Back in town and wifi that works! This means that I'll be again updating regularly :) Once every three days as before or occassionaly sooner if I get a lot of comments ;)

One aweome person wrote in their comment how it was a bit weird no-one had recomented Merlin some psychiatric help... Well, I had written Freya to recoment that when Merlin, Arthur and Hunith went to hear the results of Merlin's tests... But for some reason it wasn't there, so I'm not sure what have happened, but maybe I have accidentaly deleted it or maybe I didn't copy-paste it properly? I have no idea, but I'll add it there when I have time because the psychiatrist-thing will be mentioned few times and it will be quite confusing if that piece of that scene is missing... Now, sadly, I have to go to work... I have a lot of that this week :P

I got some very interesting comments for the last chapter, thank you everyone who took the time to review! Really, your feed back is very, very valuable for I'm not a professional write (far from it) so I really do use the feed ack you give me and I enjoy reading it tremendously. Those who have some insight of the professions mentioned in this story (like social service or lawyers), those who tell me what they liked about, those who correct my spelling mistakes or just leave a notice that 'hey! I read this and I liked it', I love you all.

Have a nice weekend, I'll be working, but see you on monday at the latest!

CoolBeans100 Sorry to make you rush ;D It was a long chapter alright... I have been avoiding that long chapters, but I just wanted to make it longer to make the wait up to you all :) I'm also clad about the photos being found, I'm not too sure of how much there are cases out there where the predator could really just amke that kind of evidence dissappear and I quess it's impossible for anyone to really know that, but I'm quite sure that not very easy and I wanted this case be... not typical, but more like something that would most propably happen in real life anyway.

mersan123 Haha, no sorries, I just got your comment and I just had to add that! You have god quesses, I'm always itching to answer you 'Yes! You are so right!' everytime you quess something and this time I kind of could so I let myself do that :) Yeah, many things are and will be better from now on, but even if it's over, these kind of crimes affect their victims for a long time... So in a way this is far from over. Merlin needs to learn how to adapt to this new life around him and he hand Arthur has a long way to go with their relationship. You know, when I wrote the original notes of what Uther's lawyer is doing, I had to take breaks when I had these very disturbed moments. I kind of had to look at everything I had written and try to break the story Merlin had told and twist everything in a way that would make Uther seem innocent. Ugh, seriously it's a horrible thought that this happens. One is not quilty until proven otherwise is a good way of looking at people for I really wouldn't fancy if innocent people got sentanced, but this is the dark side of that. Some crimes are not that easily prooven... Ah, Hunith can divorce Uther any time. Nowadays that is possible after all and she could take Merlin with her, but because Uther is his legal guardian, he could demand right to see him and Hunith could not take Arthur from his father without him getting sentanced. Imagina how that would go... She can of course ask for help from the social service, but they cannot bend the law. They could arrange regular home visits and they could get Merlin some professional help, but if it had been proven in court that Uther was innocent... Of course if Uther did absolutely anything to either one of them... but that would be another story. Let's see what will happen in mine ;) Oh, Gwaine would gladly take you 'five minutes'... it's pity that he isn't _that_ stupid he would not give his DNA sample when the varant came... Yes, a supportive neighbour indeed :) We all could use at least one of those.

Angel Dove1 I'm starting to wish you could draw too! It would be so great to see some of those scenes drawn... But I'm quite sure that this story is not _that_ popular, so chances that someone who could draw and wanted to go through all that work was here... well, I'm not betting on it. I'm so happy that you liked that cuddly scene, I enjoy writing them too (that one was actually a complitely new one...). Your reaction sertainly is interesting! I have thought about it a lot. First of all I want to say that I'm very pleased with your reaction. For throughout this story I have had comment's like 'why is Arthur not getting it/doing something/so thick' etc. I'm happy that i have able to make this all seem that it's not just that Merlin is a poor victim that everybody needs to protect and help to heal, this is affecting everyone who cares for him and they too, need help and taking care of. Right now Merlin is kind of not really there. He's not sure what will happen and that terryfies him making him shut down from the world. That makes him passive and at the moment, he is not there for Arthur. I guess we all want to see a mutual caring and mutual effort from the two of them For healing, but also for their relationship and right now, it's all up to Arthur. Also if we think about how on thin ice Arthur is right now. For us of course it's Merlin and Arthur in a story that sais 'happy ending' in its summary, but Arthur has no quarantee that their love will last, that they will get through this, that they will win the curt... He has no other relatives but his father and Morgana and Morgana doesn't even answer his texts... He has made his decision, he won't live with his father anymore, but if the law binds him there until he is eighteen... How he could see Merlin? What if Hunith becames his guardian, would the society shun them for what appears to be incest? Could Merlin take it? Could he take it? What if Merlin gets worse and he can't help him? I could go on forever... You also said such kind things... I really thought about them to and I'll do my best to give Arthur all that :) I really read your review at least once a day and well, you have always written very interesting reviews, but this one was extremely interesting for me so thank you :) Keep telling me what you think, please! That last chapter turned out to be horribly long, but I'm actually quite clad that it ended with that scene, it was also quite new and I had so much fun writing it, glad that you found it funny too! Ah, I'm so happy that I can keep my Morgana -suspence up. I have been thinking many times stuff like 'isn't this just a little bit boringly obvious setting...?' (maybe because it was like the fourth scene I ever wrote so I'm kind of used to it?) but I guess not by the comment's I have gotten so... have a nice time sitting on that fence, I hope you enjoy her character when she appears :)

superwholockotps :D I think we are all glad of those things. That is what you get of using devices that you really don't understand yourself! Plus it really is so that his company's IT -person has installed everything in Uther's home too so he really had no idea that would happen :D About Gwaine's view in legal system... It's based on Gwaine's opinion on nobels from the series, from the episode where he was first seen. I kind of made that his original opinion, he has coma to soften up a bit during the years, but at the moment he is learning a lot of how the system really has it's places. It's not my opinion on the matter, I have tried to bring here many opinions from Gwaine who doesn't believe the system treats people as eguals to Arthur who's mind it didn't even cross that he could call the police when he had vitnessed his father raping Merlin. I have not exactly focused on the theme so maybe it's not so clear, but I hope I was able to answer your question :)

Hime-Chan1201 Of course I replied to you, it was a pleasure really :) You know actually when I first saw your avatar, I wanted to think for a scene where Merlin in this story would look that happy and relaxed... Maybe you will recognice it when we get there ;) That 'smooch' -scene always makes me grin a bit too, I'm not sure if that I laugh at my own jokes makes me a bit pathetic or a funny person, but I have fun, so I dodn't care :P Nor the less, it feels great that other people find some of my writing funny too :) Oh, so many people are waiting for Morgana that I'm starting to feel a bit pressure if you all will be satisfied when she finaly appears... I think I might have to write some extra scenes for her or something...

Ageha18 I checked Netflix, but it's not there, I quess that it's because I'm living in a different country. Even Netflix is not the same everywhere... Yeah, Arthur still doesn't understand everything, it has been just days and he is seventeen and very much hurt himself, but with time and open communication they will all get there eventually :) As you might have noticed, this fic is mooving extremely slowly at the moment, it has moved like two weeks in seven chapters... but the school will start in two weeks so it's not that far away ;) I'm so happy to hear that you are waiting for so much, I hope you will like all those things when we get there!

Insanereviewer Hello! Hows the pounting going ;D Yeah, we are moving very very slowly at the moment. If I used six chapters from the begining of the summer Merlin was 15 till his 16th birthday, I have already used seven chapters for these last two weeks... So we will have to wait a bit for everything really, but eventually, evetually ;) Glad you liked the merthur scenes! They can prove that Uther had touched the handcuffs by fingerprints and they did find Uther's DNA lying around, but that doesn't prove that he raped Merlin. His story stated that he had tried to help Merlin and that Merlin had scratched him while he was hystreical, so it would be very much possible that he touched the handcuffs then and because he lives in the house, it's natural that his DNA would be found. I have tried to include here everything that really would have been taken into concideration in investigation, so even if I'll cut every scene that in not very interesting, I'll try to remember to mention every detail, the maid too. Lets trust in Gwaine on being thorough :) Glad you liked Iseldir, I kind of wanted to put him and Aredian into the profession of lawyer for they would have been entirely different kind of lawyers. In the show too, Iseldir was the leader of the druids so naturaly he would have been the law of the camps too and Aredian well, he made himself to be the law while getting money out of it. While Iseldir must have been kind, fair and just, well, there are lawyers like Aredian out there too... That Merlin would stand in the court himself would be quite a risk. Uther has manipulated him so long time it would be very possible that Merlin, any victim in his situation would grumble in the pressure and testyfi that he was indeed lying or that it was concencual or anything else along those lines. Victims of abuse, especially underaged have the right not to see the predator even during the court. That's why there are screens and the predator can be even removed from the court room during the time the victim is testifying. The way Iseldir suggested, I found from my country's law. That opotrunity is actually given to those who are under 15 years old, but I made a little changes. I'm sure that there are many variations of how the victims of child abuse have to testify and I'm sure that each country has their own age limits so I took some liberties. Yeah, Arthur is being a sweet, sweet, noble person at the moment isn't he? He would have definitely gone and packed all of Merlin's stuff if he had asked him to, but as we saw in this chapter, the house hit Arthur stronger than Merlin. Merlin is still kind of numb and he hasn't moved to a next chapter of his life like Arthur has, so being in his room was not that horrible for him, it was just a room. He has been there mostly every night alone fearing that Uther would come, but it was also his only safe place for years. There he could be alone without having to pretend to anyone else than himself. Also he couldn't be sure that the police had taken everything he didn't want Arthur ro see, so... Lying is a formed habbit and a self defence mechanism for Merlin and it was the only way for Arthur to have a life for a long tie so breaking that cycle will be both hard and important for them. Glad you have forgiven Hunith :) Well, now she is not a mother who doesn't notice anything anymore, but a devastated mother who tries her very best to be there for his boys without saving herslef. I guess that makes the difference ;) Nightmares will be mentioned, promise! And yep, those photos! As you pointed out, the evidence they had found so far could be explained by the story that the cretin has made up with his lawyer, which is, as you said, discusting. He really doesn't care what he does to Merlin's life as long as he is safe himself and can satisfy his needs. I can tell you that I used a lot of time trying to explain those photos so Uther would come out innocent, but well... There are quite aany things that are quite hard to explain even if he didn't take selfies, one was mentioned in the last chapter btw, tell me if you found it! ;) (Hint: Gwaine got it in the last chapter too) I would love to hear your theory, but unfortunately Mordred has not been mentioned and while I have made some notes of him to my 'epilogue material' i might or might not use, he has no part in this story because I just couldn't fit him anywhere really. He could have been iin arthur's team, but it would have been a waist of a good character. Glad you liked the chapter, I'll look forward to your future reviews too, but no hurry, review when ever you feel like it (if you feel like it more often than I update, you can always review some past chapters *a very disturbingly innocent smile*:P ).

MillaMaxwell12 :) Me too! I have been waiting for this part of the story. You are right, if there is something good here, it's the education and the job that allows Hunith to be intependant and live in the city with Merlin who really needed to get into the wider world. It was kind of the reason Hunith decided to marry Uther in the first place, she wasn't in love, but she thought he was a good man and she knew that she could never affort to move into a bigger city with Merlin for she had no education. Had Balinor lived longer, Hunith would have gone to school and she would have an decint income, but well, at least there is one good thing in this all. Great that you enjoyed the cuddling and the Percy and Gwaine moment :) There will be many reactions still coming, I hope you will enjoy them all!

thejammysod Tired? Not at all, it's always so nice to hear, it means I have been able to write in a likeable way :) Also I would hope that anyone would think that children and underaged in similar situations needed to be protected, so it's really nice to hear when people tell me that. For some reason to me it has always been very romantic to share a bed, and so comfortable when I'm in love so I kind of write a lot of sleeping... Great that it's not boring :D The part with the techie guy I wrote just few days ago, so I kind of enjoy it too... Great that it has been found funny, now I can start to think that I have a sense of humour after all ;) I kind of started it with thinking of how come Uther didn't know a) how the cloud really works from his phone and b) how come it did take so long to find those photos and I ended up with a picture of highly annoyed and bored out of his mind nerd who goes through files after files in some dark corner thinking like 'great, it's four o'clock in the morning and I'm going throught some office memos trying to find child pronography... I wonder what normal people do for their living...' Great that you liked Isledir and Aredian too, I kind of wanted to see them against eachothers :P Lying is really not a good thing in relationship and even if Arthur is thik, now that he knows the truth, it's quite obvious that Merlin had lied on daily basis and left things unsaid so... and he is deeply hurt that Merlin did not ask for help too. Also for Merlin to heal I think it's very essential that he stops lying and get's more open with his feelings. Reactions are comming... I promise that much :) Jordan's reaction, wow, I never thought I had done such a good job with the team mates, so nice to hear that! I dodn't want to give anything away, but I haven't actually written his reaction yet. I have a scetch, but at some point I'm going to ask from my readers if they are interested in that one... Let's get back to that when we get that far :)

Kao Oh this is so interesting! I might have mentioned in few ocasions that this legal stuff is not my field. While child psychology is not either, it was quite close and I had quite a throughout reading on the studies of the subject and I also had a friend I could ask questions and such, but this legal thing... I have used what I already knew and what internet search could tell me... It's so interesting that you are studing to be a paralegal, you must know so much more than I do! Please feel free to correct me and tell me about things you feel are important! Now, to your review. I'll go in order. Hunith. Most of even that chapter was not in her point of view so I know that everything wasn't that clear, but that is actually on purpose. Merlin can't see inside of his mother's head so I didn't want to make it appear that he did after all this time growing distant. Hunith tried her best to make Merlin feel that she really was ok with them dating. She talked long time with Finna and Tilly and even if they couldn't tell her that piece of information before hand, they advised her to do her best on showing Merlin that she didn't think it was he was at fault here. She did break down at first, but she made a conscious desision to act happy in order not to make Merlin feel that she was just saying that she was ok with them. That is also why she always takes a silent moment before she reacts to new stuff Merlin says, like when he told he was not a vegetarian. She want's to think it through what she wan't Merlin to hear from her. I hope this explains a bit. But I have to admit that she is not my strong point in this, I have concentrated far too much on Merlin and Arthur so it would take me a lot of time to adjust myself on thinking Hunith, and a lot of space to write all that she is feeling, so I have decided to let her be as she is. I'm glad that you liked the developement Arthur and Merlin have :) About the psychiatrist... I went like '...?' when I read that because Freya _did_ recoment them a professional help, but then I went to check that and it's not there... i had a whole pharagraph about it and now it's not where it's supposed to be! I must have deleted it by accident or something. It was supposed to be when they all visited Freya to get Merlin's test results. I might have to add that there because then a whole lot of other scenes make no sense... Thank you so much for pointing that out! Then about money... I'm not sure how it works in Canada, but here when you get married, you can make (this is a Google translated word) a marriage settlement. Uther is a whealty man with a business sense and Hunith had no fortune at all, so I thought it would make sense that Uther would have wanted to avoid of being used (he likes control, so he wouldnt want to lose control of his money either) so they had made this legal document that in case of a divorce, they both will only get what they own, nothing from the other. At least here we have that (I have that) and it doesn't matter what the cause of the divorce is. So Hunith will not get anything when they divorce so she is worried. She doesn't want to force the boys to move into a small village where living is cheaper or something like that and she wants to give them an education and stuff like that for it was her own major problem in life that she never got a chance to get an education. That was why she was stuck in that village in the first place. Had Merlin's father lived, she would have had that, but well... And then to the my husband raped my son and I want to take him and his son with me so we will all be safe. Should work right? But, at least what I have gathered, if Uther is found not quilty in court, that reason is not very usable. Of cource if Hunith's believe stays firmly behind Merlin (which they btw would), of cource she could keep in thouch with the social cervise and she could file for divorce and all that and the moment Uther did anything at all after that... to any of them. But, Arthur is a different story. Of cource if Uther did do something more it would be different story, but hey, maybe you could tell me more about how it really works, but I have lived believing that getting one's ex-spouce's child's full custody with no visiting rights when the other has been found not quilty is next to impossible. Is there a way that it could be done? (but even if there is, I'm going to say that Hunith is not an expert either, so at least she's so worried because of this is all she knows too :P ) Ah, Gwaine is a bit sterotypical in his views of the whole system, I wanted to make it so because I'm quite sure many share those kind of feelings towards police, social service and law in general. I want to remind them that it's not that black and white and that even if the system fails at times, there are a lot of people who try their best every day so it wouldn't happen. Lance will be mentioned, actually Arthur did tell about that in his interview, we just didn't see that. We will get back to that later ;) I'm so happy to hear that you have been able to enjoy my story even if it's not entirely accurant in places, hope to hear from you again! Best of luck with your studies!


	35. Chapter 35 - Please, come out

In the following days Hunith kept herself busy. She arranged the house, cooked, cleaned, moved furniture around and tried her best to make Merlin eat and feel comfortable. Arthur helped a lot by lifting heavy stuff and Hunith kept telling him as much, but he still felt he was not doing enough. Most of the time he felt that he was in a way or not being very useful because he often found himself just walking around the house trying to find Merlin or excuses to be close to him. He didn't want to let Merlin out of his sight.

This was rapidly annoying the hell out of Merlin. He was fine. Really. He hadn't been this fine for at least in a year and the only things that hounded him were his nightmares and his own shame, guilt and regrets and there was nothing anyone could do to help him with those. He mostly just wanted to be left alone, but he didn't dare to say that aloud, so he mostly sat in any corner he could find behind piles of boxes or furnitures still searching for their final destination.

He had eaten well. Hunith had made sure he did. At times Merlin didn't have appetite and he had even fought with his mother on the theme. It had started with Merlin trying to tell her how he wasn't hungry. He really wasn't. He had eaten (and kept down) more food that he remembered in an average month during this summer. He felt stuffed and swollen most of the time. Hunith had kept her ground and she had pulled the document Freya had made and in minutes they had been actually yelling at each others neither letting go. Arthur had to come in between them and make them compromise. Merlin had not been able to look at his mother for the whole day after that and Hunith had been the same, she was ashamed of herself for letting her emotions get the better of her. To Arthur it just started to make a lot of sense from where Merlin had gotten this side of his personality.

They first whole day they had lived in their new home Hunith had gotten them new cell phone numbers and she had advised them to send it only to their friends. They had done just that. Arthur right away, but Merlin only after few days. He hadn't been too eager to let anyone be able to contact him. Actually he would have dragged it more, but one very pissed off Gwaine had called Arthur who had immediately thrown his phone at Merlin. Merlin had promised to sent him the new number as soon as possible. He did that five hours later.

After she got Merlin's new number, Gwen had texted him at least twice a day. She had tried calling first, but Merlin didn't want to pick up. He rarely answered her text messages either. It was just that he was so tired in a whole new way. Somehow when the reality where his mother, Arthur and closest friends (except Will, who Merlin hadn't called in ages) accepted him as he was settled in, it made his emotions go all over the place. He could get angry at some insignificant things or find himself giggling or crying for whatever reason. He hated it and he tried to be as quiet as possible so he wouldn't worry either his mother or boyfriend. He seriously wanted to be alone and preferably forgotten. He knew he was running, not in the literal sense for he had nothing concrete to run away from anymore, but he was still trying and that caused him to escape further and further inside of himself.

To Arthur it was hard to see the way Merlin was behaving. He was quite sure that if this all had happened to him, he wouldn't be any different, probably worse, but he still couldn't quite understand why Merlin was this bad now. He hadn't been like this even last summer when he had been lifeless or the winter before that when he had been moody. It wasn't just once or twice Arthur had seen Merlin rocking himself back and forth, hugging his knees, his eyes closed and mumbling something incoherent. Was he afraid that Uther would walk? And somehow they would end up in the old house again? To Arthur that didn't seem possible, in his mind he had erased the possibility when he had told everything he knew to Gwaine and Leon.

Arthur had tried to comfort Merlin, but he wasn't too sure how and usually Merlin would just replay something or the other about just being tired and moving himself to take a nap before Arthur could do much else than ask if he was alright. That mentioned, Merlin had taken a lot of naps lately. He took naps after meals and whenever he didn't want to explain his moods to either Arthur or Hunith. He would tell them that he was just tired and retire to their room and to Arthur's couch.

At first Hunith had been approving of him sleeping when he felt like it, but when it had clearly formed to be a habit, she had limited the naps to be just after lunch so Merlin would sleep at night. She had talked with Merlin seriously and Merlin had told her he saw her point, but Arthur wasn't that convinced. Merlin slept as long as possible during the day and whenever Hunith went to run some errands, Arthur was almost sure to find Merlin laying on his- their couch. At nights Merlin would read on the couch and tell Arthur he would come to sleep soon, but he mostly did only after Arthur had already fallen asleep. When he woke up, Merlin was more often than not again reading on the couch or sulking in some corner. This all made Arthur extremely sad. He had talked with Hunith a bit and it had helped when Hunith had told him she was feeling it too, but what Arthur felt he really needed, was Merlin to just look at him properly and talk to him. About anything, it didn't matter, but just so Arthur could see the Merlin he loved was still there somewhere.

Arthur had also called Elyan and in what he had thought was a weak moment, he had told him how much it bothered him that Merlin wasn't talking to him. He had expected his friend to tell him that it was alright, that Arthur was just overreacting or that there would be an awkward silence, but Elyan had done neither. Instead he had told him how he had been the same when his mother had died. How he had shunned both his sister and father out and how he had forgotten how he still had most of his family alive. He regretted that now, but he also told how he had needed his own time and when Gwen had never left him alone for more than half an hour and most of those times had ended with her crying, he had stated to go out.

He had hung out with some older guys from the new neighbourhood they had moved in and done some really stupid things with them. He made Arthur swear never to tell that to anyone, but he had started smoking then. It was only when some of the guys had taken Elyan with them to a mall in intention of shop lifting something, had Elyan started to doubt of what he was doing with them at all, but he had no other friends. It had been then when his father had practically given him an ultimatum: either start a sport or loose allowance, computer privilege and cellphone. Deciding on football was a decision that Elyan could proudly tell was the best he had ever made.

Arthur had listened this all in daze. He had never thought that demanding Elyan to run and exercise and focus on the team play had been that important to him and by the end of the story he had totally forgotten that he had ever felt it embarrassing to show these kind of feelings to his friend. He had tried to give Merlin some space after that, but hoping that his boyfriend would normalise even a little bit soon, so he could tell him too how much he had missed just hearing him talk and look people around him in the eyes.

* * *

By sunday the house looked more like a home than a heap of boxes. Arthur and Hunith had arranged the living room so that the sofa that had been Merlin's, was facing towards the garden. In front of it was an old, wooden couch table and in front of the window nice low shelf and top of it a small tv. Hunith was well liked and she had many friends in school. When few selected of them had heard of her divorce, they had come offering help and old furniture. Hunith had thanked everyone and accepted the furniture and promised she would have a party and invite them over when the house was ready, but she had politely refused from help. She didn't want any extra people in the house when Merlin had trouble adjusting as it was.

Susan had given her a mattress and the old tv. They were both very welcomed. Hunith had been able to move to her room after all and even if Arthur had donated his tv to the living room, Hunith could see he was relieved that he didn't have to give it up. Maybe because Arthur's only real me-time had been in his own room, watching movies and he kind of didn't know what the new life would bring so the familiarity was important to him. Hunith made a mental note to herself, that now she could encourage his boys to have fun with friends in and out of the house. She was determined of bringing life back to her home and whenever she felt pain in her heart she tried to remind herself that she could make this house be what she felt she had lost when they had moved to the city, what she had quietly thought both Merlin and Arthur had lacked in Uther's household. Friends would not be something she or the boys could enjoy just outside of the house when there was a plausible reason for that. She had decided to make a life that suited them all. She was also quite sure that getting more social and more active would benefit both Merlin and Arthur, so even if she herself just wanted to lay into some quiet corner at the moment, she would stay cheerful and hang in there for her boys.

It was saturday when Gwaine called that he needed to talk with the whole lot of them and that either they could come to the station or he could come and visit. Merlin had asked immediately if Gwaine could come for lunch. To him this home was a place that was safe and hidden from Uther's sight and even if he knew it shouldn't be the case, but a fear that maybe if he went out and to the station, everything that had happened would somehow disappear and that Uther would be waiting for him there. He didn't say that out loud, but his mother did not ask why Merlin wanted to stay home.

After inviting Gwaine over, Hunith had done her best to tidy up and even Merlin had run in between thrash bin and house to get rid of all the packing material they still had lying around. This was a welcomed change for him even if he had moaned a bit at the start. At least he had something to do. Arthur had made sure to do everything he could so Merlin didn't have to. Merlin wasn't sure if he was happy about that, but it also seemed to keep Arthur calmer so he hadn't commented.

Gwaine came at noon and Hunith had bought some real meat in order to thank Gwaine for his troubles. Somehow this relaxed Arthur. He had been used to eating food made with expensive ingredients and while Hunith's cookings were excellent, just a bit something more familiar made him less stressed. Merlin on the other hand was stressing of seeing Gwaine. Everything kept changing around him and every change scared him in a subconscious level, but when Gwaine appeared to the front door, wearing his normal clothes, unshaven and wind messing up his hair, Merlin felt relieved and he relaxed and normalised fast. It felt like the time had started to move forward again and Merlin couldn't quite explain it to even himself, but somehow he had this way of communicating with Gwaine that was lively and more himself and his current mood just didn't match with that, so his mood had to change because Gwaine wouldn't.

Arthur saw Gwaine coming in with a plastic bag in his hand and a wide grin on his face and the next second Merlin had appeared from some dark corner and was chatting with him a smile on his face that Arthur hadn't seen in days. It kind of made his jealous, but it was over shadowed with his ridiculous happiness that he felt when he saw Merlin smiling and heard his voice so animated. Hunith noticed this too and when Merlin actually laughed at something Gwaine said, she looked at Gwaine like he was the most amazing creature ever to roam on earth.

"I bought us some sandwiches and a cake, I hope you like them." Gwaine told Hunith surprisingly politely and gave her the plastic bag. There were four sandwiches and a carrot cake. Hunith thanked him in equally polite way and motioned them all to the kitchen where they already had a table set and food ready on the stove. Gwaine told Hunith how much he appreciated this, he had been eating his own sandwiches and some take away for the last week or so. They all sat down on the table Hunith and already set and Merlin was just about to comment how weird it was to hear Gwaine sound so polite and normal human being when Gwaine's expression hardened a little bit.

"Before we eat, I would like get the official business done. Uther's court has been moved to next saturday." The whole table was quiet for a while. Merlin couldn't tell how this information affected the rest of them, but this was again a change and if Uther had any control over the legal system, it scared Merlin in a whole new level.

"What do you mean 'moved'?" Arthur asked sounding more angry than scared. Gwaine sighed sounding tired. Merlin wondered if Gwaine had asked the exact same question himself when he first heard about this.

"The lawyer Uther has hired managed to delay the court. It also appears that Uther can get himself to home arrest starting from tomorrow." Merlin shivered hearing that and Hunith and Arthur looked horrified. What if they hadn't moved yet? Uther would have come home and all their stuff would have been there and in worst case scenario, they also. Arthur put his hand gently on Merlin's shoulder making Merlin breath again. He had forgotten to do that apparently.

"I assure you that the reason why you hear this so late, is that I knew you had already moved and if there is anything you still need from that house, I'll get someone to take them for you before tomorrow." Gwaine continued with a steady tone. Hunith still looked repulsed, but she shook her head "No. We already have everything we need here."

Merlin didn't know why, but that made him relax and drop his fear for now. It sounded so comforting and the more Merlin thought about it, the more it sounded like truth. He looked around himself and yes, he really did have everything he needed right here.

"I also guarantee you that we have him secured 24/7 and that he has no means to contact any of you. If somehow someone contacts any of you on his behalf, I want you to inform the police immediately." He continued with serious tone and Merlin was happy that he was told what to do. It was easier that he could be prepared. But still he was sure that he wouldn't as much as leave this house before the court had ended. "That should in no way be possible and he would be in so much trouble if he did anything to contact you, so I can quite safely say that it shouldn't be possible, but just in case." Hunith nodded at Gwaine who massaged the bridge of his nose briefly. He really did seem tired.

"The Add- defence has been building up this ridiculous story and they have been bugging us with this and that night and day, but we have been working night and day too to make sure there is nothing they can do to deny what have happened. I'm happy to tell you that their story is getting extremely weak, but I still have to ask you Merlin, are you ready to come to talk with the prosecutor and the defence soon?" Gwaine looked straight into Merlin's eyes but Merlin couldn't meet his gaze, so he looked down. He really didn't want to leave his new home. Especially not to see some lawyer who was on Uther's side. He had been waiting for this of course, Gwaine had after all told him that he would be needed before the court that original date had been next wednesday.

"I- I don't know…" He wanted to say that he couldn't, but he knew it would be in vain. Gwaine looked at him patiently, but Merlin knew this was not optional. He would have to go eventually and most probably rather sooner than later, but the thought of answering questions to someone who didn't believe his story was true, filled him with terror. He had seen some nightmares on the theme too.

"It would help us greatly." Gwaine told him and Merlin hunched his shoulders. He couldn't say 'no' if Gwaine was talking to him like that. Like Merlin was doing a personal favour to him and not the other way around.

"I- can I come later?" He asked eventually in quiet voice. Gwaine was a bit disappointed, but he didn't let it show. He had already pushed the date back twice not making Iseldir happy at all, but he knew he would push the date as long as Merlin needed time even if that had not made his own case any better.

"Yes, when you are ready, call me. I hate to rush you, but will need you before the date of court." Merlin nodded. It felt so close, but he knew he would have to do it sooner or later anyway, so if he could just… he didn't know, but at least it was not now.

"Then to better news, Arthur, you don't have to testify in court. We have found some new evidence and our case is strong even without you, the judge has given us her blessing to have only the record of Merlin's testimony in the court." He saw Merlin's head snap up when the 'new evidence' was mentioned and Gwaine knew he had guessed it was the photos. He paled and then dropped his gaze again and closed his eyes briefly. Gwaine wished he could just tell the judge that Uther was guilty, get him sentenced and burn every copy of those damn photos. But the only thing he could do was to guide the conversation to some lighter topics before anyone asked about the new evidence, Merlin really didn't look like he wanted to talk about those.

"Alright. Now I'm done with the official business. Shall we eat? And I want to see the rest of the house afterwards." Gwaine said smiling and Merlin took a deep breath. He could make himself stop dwelling for now. The food was delicious and even if Merlin felt like he was about to burst from the amount his mother had piled in front of him, he kept eating. Gwaine made them all relax and somehow Merli started to feel that he had been a pale, see-through shadow for the past days and now he was now slowly turning back to normal.

After they had finished, Hunith suggested that the boys would show the house to Gwaine while she cleaned up and made some coffee for them to go with the carrot cake.

Gwaine could honestly tell that he liked the place and he told that he might be able to get some old chairs and a table from his folks for the garden. "My mother has a habit of decorating some part of the house every year and last summer she attacked our garden… My old man whined for a month how he had been forced to go shopping and then move every single thing outside to either new location or to cellar and even I had to go and move some flower beds… I assure you, that is not a light exercise…" Arthur suggested he could come and pick them up with his car and Gwaine told him he could make his old man to drop them to his shop during the week. "He needs exercise so it would do good to him." He said smirking.

When it was time to go to see the second floor, Gwaine knew he would get some answers. He had no idea if Hunith knew even that her son was homosexual, much less if she knew Merlin and Arthur had a thing for each others. He hadn't wanted to ask on a phone and even if Merlin still seemed to be Arthur's number one priority, Merlin himself was so out of it, Gwaine had hard time reading him. He would have lied if he had said he wasn't interested, but to Gwaine it also seemed like a very important thing for Merlin to start healing mentally. His thoughts had gone back to Arthur and if he had been able to talk it through with Merlin so many times he wasn't sure if it was healthy to be this obsessed with his friends love life.

So when Arthur opened the door of his and Merlin's room and Gwaine only saw one bed, it wasn't that much of a surprise how large of a rock fell from his heart. He would have cheered if Merlin wasn't fidgeting the way he was or if Arthur wasn't looking as proud of the room as he was. Instead he just smiled a sincere smile and patted Merlin on his back. when Merlin started to smile a bit too, he knew it was time to get whatever reaction he could get from Arthur.

"Oh, you have made it this far… I see you worried for nothing, Arthur." He said with a grin making them both blush. Especially Arthur who knew Gwaine would focus on teasing him. Merlin was blushing, but he wasn't ashamed and the part of Arthur made him curious. That was something he hadn't felt for a while now. He was about to ask, but apparently Gwaine wasn't going to wait that long.

"You see Merlin, Arthur here was very troubled because-" He had to stop when Arthur kicked him and then attempted to cover Gwaine's mouth with his hands. "Ow! Hey! You are not supposed to assault an officer! That's a crime…" Gwaine managed to say while trying to get Arthur off his back. "And officers are not supposed to be such asses!" Arthur shot back while practically wrestling with Gwaine.

Merlin found himself smiling and finally laughing. It was worth having Gwaine tease him. He had just made Merlin feel proud of their new room. It started to feel like he was part of this world again.

* * *

It was monday, way past noon and Gaius was not happy. After Arthur had called him a week ago, Gaius had not heard anything from him nor Merlin. On last monday he hadn't thought anything was off, he had assumed that Arthur had driven to Gwaine's shop and they had stayed there for a while before heading to home or maybe even to a nice date. But when thursday came and Merlin never showed up, That had eventually made Gaius worried. At first he had thought that Merlin was later than usual, then that youth in these days had no decency to call if they had a change of plans, but then he remembered how the last time Merlin hadn't shown up was because he had been caught on cutting class. What could it be now?

He had tried calling to Merlin, but first he didn't pick up and then Gaius couldn't even reach the phone. Soon after Arthur had sent him his new phone number and Gaius had tried calling him instead. Arthur hadn't picked up either and now that it was again monday and Merlin was nowhere to be seen, Gaius decided to do something. His first lead was Gwaine, so when he was absolutely sure Melin wouldn't show up, he left to visit the shop.

To Gaius' surprise, the shop was closed. He didn't come here often, but he didn't remember ever seeing this shop closed at this hour. There were a piece of paper in the door with new opening hours. Alright, so Gaius would be back.

It was almost seven o'clock when Gaius stepped in Gwaine's shop. It was quite full and Gwaine was explaining to some regular customers how this was only temporarily, he would open normally after a week or so, he just had some personal stuff he needed to take care of… To Gaius he just seemed very, very tired and Gaius knew how long hours Gwaine worked normally, so he had to wonder what had happened. He had a nagging feeling it had something to do with Merlin.

Gaius waited patiently for the customers to leave. There were still few choosing what they wanted to buy, but Gaius didn't think they needed privacy. Gwaine had obviously spotted the old man and he didn't look surprised when Gaius asked right away if he had seen Merlin or Arthur lately.

Gwaine glanced at the customers he had. Obviously he couldn't talk about anything too serious while there were customers around and that was not his business anyway, but he could at least tell the old man not to worry, that Merlin was alright.

"Yes, I have seen them both just yesterday. They are both doing fine, I guess Merlin didn't show up today?" That didn't break any kind of confidentiality or wasn't something that could not be said in public? Gwaine really had to concentrate, he was tired and his head was full of details and laws he had completely forgotten existed chasing one another.

"No, he didn't. Last thursday also and I can't reach his phone." Gaius wasn't happy at all. If Gwaine had seen Merlin, why hadn't he or Arthur bothered on contacting Gaius? He had thought he and Merlin had a connection and he had liked to think that Merlin would have contacted him if there was something going on and definitely if he just couldn't make it. And he had also lived in believe that Merlin couldn't go out on sundays. He felt a bit hurt.

Gwaine sighed he could barely keep his shop open the hours to cover for the expenses at the moment and even when he was here, his phone would ring now and then. Just half an hour ago Gwaine had gotten a call from The Adder. He was now demanding his security camera recordings. "I'm sure Merlin will get in touch with you soon, but at the moment I would recommend you called Arthur instead." This was not his job right now, Merlin would need to decide himself if he wanted to tell and how much to this old man he visited regularly.

Last week Gaius had still been on his witness list, but now they had so much proof, so much evidence that what they already got, was enough. There had been no need to include anymore people. Besides according to Merlin and Arthur, Merlin hadn't told Gaius anything and the only thing he could tell them was that maybe Merlin had been quiet or weak or seemed depressed at times and that was nothing Gwaine couldn't have told himself. They had even seen Merlin on same days.

Gaius wasn't too happy with this reply either, but he was again more worried than anything else. Gwaine looked like he had no strength left to act or speak anything but truth, so he had chosen not to say anything at all. Something that Gwaine felt was not his place to tell, had happened and Gaius could just try and imagine what that could be when it suddenly hit him that Gwaine's father was a police officer. Or at least had been, Gaius on remembered when he had been promoted give or take fifteen years ago and had started to work late, so maybe he was on a rather high stool by now. (He saw Gwaine's mother every other year because they bought flowers to their gardens from the same shop, but she didn't often talk about her husband's work, much more about Gwaine actually). This knowledge didn't ease his worry at all, there was now a whole new worst case scenarios that Gwaine could be aware of.

"Has something happened?" Gaius asked not even remembering that there were other people present. Gwaine just nodded shortly before collecting himself. "He is safe now, but you really have to talk with Merlin yourself. I can't tell you anything more. Also I'm sorry, but I have to give this good lady here her cigarettes before she will get cross with me." He said changing the subject and pointing at a thirty years old woman who had apparently waited behind Gaius. "Oh, that was just once and I had a bad day you dolt! Two please and-" She started with good humour "some chocolate for your soul, here you go Marcel." Gwaine finished for her with an amused smile. The woman smiled and laughed and Gaius could see how Gwaine was able to keep customers coming.

While he walked back home, Gaius tried to call Arthur again. He still didn't pick up and Gaius felt anxious and sad in a way he didn't remember feeling after Alice had gotten her diagnosis. It was never easy to love and while getting to know Merlin had brought joy back to his life, at times like this he knew he was paying the price for not just living his quiet life alone, but it didn't matter. Gaius had said Merlin was like a son to him and he had meant it with his whole heart. What ever had happened, Gaius would be there if Merlin so wished, but this time he wouldn't let things just be. If Merlin was again in some sort of trouble, he would talk with him seriously and get to the root of this all. Even if Merlin was troubled by his sexuality, he couldn't use that as an excuse to drink or whatever trouble he had found this time. He would also contact Merlin's family if that was necessary.

Tomorrow he would call Arthur again and he would hope to get some answers then.

* * *

"I think that was the last one." Hunith said to Arthur when he climbed down from a chair he had been currently standing. He had learned today how to put a lamp to a ceiling. His arms were tired, but he was oddly proud of himself. He had never done this type of work before. Merlin obviously had, but even though Merlin looked already better, Arthur didn't want him standing on anything he could possibly fall from if he felt faint. He knew he was over reacting, but doing the job in Merlin's place was the only thing he felt at the moment he could do for him.

Their home was now ready. Merlin sat in the corner of their room and looked around. It was nice. Arthur's couch was still next to the window and they had a mat in front of it. It was a nice soft red coloured mat and Merlin found he liked to sit on it, leaning against the couch like he and Arthur had done when they had studied last spring. They didn't have a tv-table (Arthur's old one had been to big) so the tv was still on the floor. The low bookshelf Arthur used to have on its side, was now turned vertical and it was on the wall next to their door and behind the tv. Arthur's desk fit perfectly next to the couch leaving just enough room for the closet door to open. Their bed was so its head was against the wall. Merlin slept on the doors side, it made him calmer and Arthur didn't care as long as Merlin was next to him. And Merlin had been next to him. He had found the courage to actually go to sleep at the same time Arthur did and even if he woke up early almost every morning, he had stayed in the bed while he read the morning away. Being next to Arthur calmed him and he hadn't seen any nightmares even if he slept a bit lightly and woke up to the tinniest noises.

Arthur knocked the door even though it was open and he grinned at Merlin. "We are ready. The last lamp is on the ceiling and working." Merlin had to smile at Arthur's obvious happiness. Merlin had guided him trough the first two lamps. He had done all the things like that together with his mother back in the village. Especially lamps, Hunith was uneasy if she had to climb to a ladder. Merlin would have teased Arthur how little he knew about this type of things if he hadn't been so self conscious about the fact that even if he knew what to do, he wasn't much to use right now. He knew that if he would have had to try, he would have most probably dropped the lamp at some point and he could hear Uther's words 'useless whore' echo in his ears. Thats why he had left the scene and fled to their room. Merlin's emotions had started to settle after Gwaine's visit and now he again had himself under control, but he still felt dirty and well, useless.

"Will you come to see?" Arthur asked and sat next to Merlin keeping a reasonable distance. Merlin had been much calmer and more normal this week and Arthur could tell that he felt better when the house was getting more organised and he knew how much seeing Gwaine had also helped. Still Merlin seemed sad and jumpy most of the time. Arthur didn't know what to do and after Merlin had flinched yesterday when Arthur had opened a door without knocking, Arthur had lost his confidence altogether. He now tried to warn Merlin every time he came to same room and he kept just enough distance so Merlin didn't move further himself. They were again back to the point where Merlin kept himself on arms length. Like he had before they first kissed. He even slept as far as possible from Arthur (which wasn't much in a 120cm wide bed, but still) his back turned to him. But at least he was sleeping in the bed now, so Arthur couldn't really complain.

"I will…" Merlin replied, but sounded anything else but eager. Arthur sighed. "Merlin… you have been in here for most of the time for past three days… you should move more. Look! It's sunny day outside, what do you say? Lets go out for a bit." Merlin looked out of the window. Yes, it was sunny day and it looked nice, but he felt uneasy. He didn't want to go out. He turned to look Arthur who clearly wanted to spend time with Merlin. But Merlin again felt dirty. He wanted to be with Arthur so much and he wanted to again kiss him and be embraced by him, but it was like he had this invisible barrier around him and Merlin felt that what ever he touched was in danger of being soiled or brake. He had avoided touching anything for days and now every kind of touch felt foreign to him. Merlin let his face fall to his knees he was again hugging. He mumbled something incoherent and Arthur felt his patience grow thin. He didn't understand what the problem was and he felt bad seeing Merlin slip again to the same behaviour he had had last week. It was like Merlin was falling farther away inside of himself and Arthur feared he wouldn't be able to reach Merlin anymore if this continued.

"I can't hear you." He said not willing to let this continue, not this time. Merlin rose his gaze looking at a spot next to his toes on the floor. "I said it's too much light. I don't want you to see me like this." That didn't make any sense to Arthur and confusion didn't go well with his frustration. "That doesn't make any sense. I want to see you… well not like this, sitting in a corner looking depressed. I want to see you smile…" He said not filtering, just saying the first things that came to his mind. Merlin flinched a bit. Apparently he had heard Arthur's frustration. Arthur sighed, that wasn't right, he just wanted to tell Merlin how he loved him and that he was just frustrated because seeing Merlin like this made him sad.

"Come here." He said and opened his arms. Merlin looked at him unsurely. He did want to… but he felt that he couldn't move. When Merlin just stared at his chest like it would bite, Arthur moved himself closer to Merlin and slowly hugged him. Merlin didn't move or flinch. He tensed for a moment, but then to Arthur's surprise he melted into his arms and hugged him tightly back. It didn't take long that Arthur heard a sniff and he felt a spot in his shirt get wet. Maybe he should have done this from the start.

Arthur's frustration melted away and he kept hugging Merlin and telling him how he could hug him any time and not to go to a corner to sulk. Arthur would be there for him. It all came out so naturally now.

At some point Hunith came to the door to see if they were coming, but she stopped when she saw them. Arthur shook his head slightly and Hunith smiled at him sadly before returning downstairs quietly. Merlin didn't even notice her. He had buried his head in Arthur's shoulder and he just cried. Arthur's touch felt so right. It just made Merlin feel like he was safe and Arthur was so warm… After a while, Merlin felt that he didn't want to leave this spot ever. He just wanted desperately to curl in Arthur's arms and never, ever move. It was a wonder why he had avoided this for so long now. It felt so good and hearing Arthur's voice, while it made Merlin feel stupid and guilty for acting like he had, made his heart beat somehow stronger. He remembered how Arthur had been there for him and how they had kissed in the hotel room and how Arthur had embraced him during nights or when they had read. He blushed at the thought and his tears started to dry. He had made Arthur worry for nothing. Maybe Arthur just wanted to spend some time with him.

They sat there for a long time even after Merlin had stopped crying. Merlin tried to make himself believe the things he had been told by Arthur and Gwaine and his mother and Freya. He tried not to think himself as something dirty and even succeeding to some extend. Here, in Arthur's arms he didn't feel so bad. When Arthur shifted a little, Merlin looked up at him and Arthur smiled at him. Merlin felt want and joy and embarrassment dance inside of him. Embarrassment mostly because he had made Arthur first worry and then sit on a floor this long while Merlin wet his shirt and partly because with just one hug he had again started to feel want. It was like there had been a barrier he had built to separate himself from this world and he had been holding it intact by not touching anything. Now it had collapsed with Arthur's hug and it was replaced with want and need to be touched making it hard for him to control himself.

Merlin kept staring at Arthur and Arthur started to feel a bit amused of his wide eyes looking him so seriously. He did the only thing he could think of and leaned in to kiss Merlin on the lips. Merlin's eyes fluttered close and he hugged Arthur with a new strength. The kiss soon turned passionate and Arthur felt small fireworks light in his chest. It was amazing. He was so happy that Merlin wanted to kiss him like this again. He had thought that Merlin wouldn't want to kiss him anymore. Still Arthur started to feel conscious about the open door and he wondered if Hunith would come back to see if Merlin was alright. It had been a long time since she left them there after all.

Merlin picked up Arthur's distraction and he backed off from the kiss. He feared that Arthur had gotten bored with him, but when he followed Arthur's gaze, he saw the open door and he blushed furiously and buried his face again in Arthur's shoulder. Arthur laughed at him softly and hugged him tightly before letting him go saying "We should go downstairs before Hunith gets worried." He said hoping that Merlin wouldn't say he wanted to stay in here anymore.

To his delight Merlin nodded and let Arthur pull himself up. Arthur smiled at him brightly and started to chat of how they could go and try out the football field in the park and Merlin found his excitement contagious. He smiled a bit shyly at Arthur and decided that it would be better to let himself enjoy Arthur's company. It seemed to make Arthur happier too and making Arthur happier was more important than his selfish want to stay depressed so he wouldn't have to fear of getting hurt.

Merlin made a point to compliment his mother and Arthur of their hard work and after that he asked if he and Arthur could go out to play in the park. Hunith was very pleased and she thought that she had to thank Arthur later for whatever had happened upstairs. Her son was looking so much better. "Of course you can go. Just keep your cellphones with you."

They played in the park for about an hour before Merlin got too tired to run anymore. They hadn't played very seriously, just had some fun and Arthur felt he was again enjoying football. His practices today and on thursday had been more like empty performances than anything else. Maybe next week he could finally pull himself together…

They ended up just laying on the grass next to the field. Arthur was also tired. He had been in three hours practice, doing everything Merlin usually did himself and trying to seem that there was nothing wrong with him. After that he had answered to too many questions of where Merlin was and when he would come back that he had lost count and then he had helped Hunith with the lamps and paintings and they had cleared the rest of the packing material and… Yeah, he was tired.

Arthur reached for Merlin's hand. He didn't dare to actually take it because there were children and their parents running around, but he let his hand rest next to Merlin's so the backs of their hands touched. It was a nice feeling and more so because Merlin didn't move his hand away but glanced at him and smiled a bit. The day was one of the hottest this summer and even Merlin wasn't cold laying in the sun. To Arthur he looked beautiful like this. Calm and relaxed and next to him.

They only left when Hunith phoned Merlin to tell that the food was ready.

* * *

After they had eaten, Gwaine called Arthur that his father had dropped the furniture for their garden in front of his shop and asked if he could come and help him get them with his car. Arthur was tired and going out again wasn't on his list of things he wanted to do today, but he went anyway.

Arthur drove to Gwaine's shop and they managed to get one table and four chairs with two trips to their house. The table had been separated from its leg and Arthur and Gwaine screwed it back together. It was a nice, basic wooden, dark brown outdoor table with folding chairs. There were even cushions for them with burnt sienna and orange stripes.

"My mother likes these kind of warm and dark colours but for some reason she thought that our garden needed white furniture." Gwaine told Merlin with a grimace. Merlin liked these chairs. He thought that maybe he should start coming out more if just to sit in the garden. Fresh air made his depression lessen and he found he wasn't going on circles inside of his head all the time anymore.

* * *

The night was hot and after Arthur had showered, he seriously didn't want to put anymore clothes on that he really had to. He had been sleeping in full pyjama here because of Merlin's behaviour, but now he thought that maybe it had been better if he hadn't tried to be so considerate. Maybe if he just acted more normally, Merlin would too. So he made a decision not to put his shirt on today.

When Arthur came back to their room, Merlin was already in the bed, wrapped in his blanket like a giant cocoon. Arthur sighed at that. "Aren't you feeling hot wrapped in all that?" He asked. Merlin had full pyjama and a thick blanket wrapped around him from head to toe. "Not until you come here to radiate heat…" Merlin mumbled from his cocoon. Arthur laid next to him and took his own blanket just up to his waist. Merlin, if possible, drew even further in his blanket when he saw Arthur without his shirt. Arthur could see him blush a little and he smiled amused by Merlin's cute awkwardness. It wasn't like Merlin had been the whole week, but more like what Arthur was used to, there was again life in Merlin's eyes. He really should have done this from the start.

"You could always loose a little of the cover…" He suggested and felt the situation even more amusing and somehow exciting when Merlin didn't move but blushed even darker. "Let me…" Arthur said quietly and he reached for Merlin's blanket. Merlin didn't move but he also didn't tense or stop Arthur so he carefully pulled some of the blanket off Merlin.

Merlin kept looking at Arthur's eyes. He was so still that Arthur had to do something about it. When Arthur had pulled the blanket just under Merlin's ribs, he leaned in to kiss Merlin's nose. Merlin finally made an expression and again blushed deeply. Arthur grinned at him "That was not so bad, was it?" Merlin turned his face away mumbling something about prats. Arthur grinned even wider. He was happy that he could do something new with Merlin even if it was just something like seeing him with a little bit less protection in between them. Or maybe that was actually the biggest step they would have to take.

Arthur settled down on his side next to Merlin as close as possible without pressing on him. He put his arm around Merlin like he had done before. Just now there was no blanket in between his hand and Merlin's chest. Merlin's breathing quickened slightly and even his ears were red but he didn't object and when Arthur told him "I love you…" Merlin even snuggled to the touch a little bit. Arthur should have been dead tired but somehow he felt fully awake right now. He didn't want to sleep, he wanted to keep enjoying this new, more close way of sleeping with Merlin. It's a funny feeling when you want to be awake to enjoy sleeping more…

Arthur kept caressing Merlin's shoulder feeling he wanted just a bit more. He let his hand wander to Merlin's pyjama buttons and he carefully opened the top one. Merlin turned his face to look at him again and there was just the tiniest hint of uneasiness in his eyes. That was so much better than just earlier this day. Arthur just smiled at him, not really taking Merlin's uneasiness seriously because it was so mild compared to what it had been last days, and moved to open the second button. Merlin didn't move or object but now he closed his eyes tightly. Arthur didn't want to see that happen and his amusement faded. Merlin closing his eyes like this reminded him too much of the night when he had learned what Uther had done to Merlin and Arthur had asked if he could touch Merlin… He wasn't doing anything that should make Merlin uncomfortable then or now (considering that they were supposed to be in a relationship) and Arthur wanted to make Merlin feel it that way.

"Merlin… open your eyes…" He murmured softly to Merlin's ear. Merlin opened his eyes slowly and looked at smiling Arthur. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to. I'm just opening few buttons and if you don't like that, you can just tell me." Merlin looked at his eyes and Arthur saw him relax a bit even if his face was still red and his breathing a bit faster.

Arthur kissed Merlin tenderly on his cheek and opened one more button. Merlin melted to Arthur's kiss. Arthur smiled at him so gently and he was so careful and so just everything Merlin could have ever hoped him to be. He wanted Arthur to continue, he wanted more. When Arthur pulled back Merlin wanted to take him into his arms and kiss him and pull him towards him and press their chests together… He wanted to curl in Arthur's arms and feel protected from the world.

Arthur let his fingertips softly touch Merlin's bare skin and Merlin made a small noise of surprise (not an unpleasant one) which made Arthur smile at him widely. Merlin blushed and covered his mouth with his hand. Arthur laughed a little at him and kissed Merlin's hand. "Sorry, I'll be more careful."

Merlin didn't say anything. The way Arthur smiled was just so… just so Arthur. Other side of his mouth curled a bit differently than the other and Merlin found that very much endearing. It made Arthur's smile somehow unique.

Arthur continued opening his buttons while Merlin felt every touch like Arthur's fingers were electricity. Even if it was just opening some buttons, Merlin felt it erotic and somehow sensual. If he only had words to ask Arthur how he felt, but Merlin was growing hard under his cover and he found it highly embarrassing so he kept still because he didn't want Arthur to notice that.

When Arthur reached the last button, so close to Merlin's hips, Merlin was clinching the now doubled blanket so it wouldn't move and reveal more of him. Arthur smiled at Merlin who looked so cute, Arthur wasn't sure which way to turn. He smiled at Merlin and kissed him gently. He was also strangely proud of his boyfriend for keeping himself so calm. Arthur hoped Merlin didn't find this uncomfortable because he was feeling so good right now. He let his gaze wander on the little skin he had revealed. "Can I see a little?" He asked Merlin looking straight to his eyes to see if there were any signs of discomfort but found none. Merlin's gaze was a little bit hazy and he breathed hotly. Arthur felt happiness, it seemed that Merlin was also enjoying exploring their relationship. Arthur felt heat in his cheeks and he was definitely hard. His heart was beating fast in his chest and he felt this pleasant high of happiness. When Merlin nodded Arthur smiled at him and kissed his nose this time earning a small smile in return. He felt so close to Merlin right now. He carefully moved Merlin's pyjama so he could see Merlin chest and shoulders.

Arthur liked what he saw very much. Merlin had managed to gain some weight and was looking a lot more healthier. His skin didn't look so pale and his ribs weren't visible the whole way anymore. Arthur couldn't say it didn't turn him on. "I like the way you look…" He said and kissed Merlin's collarbone. Merlin let a soft moan and Arthur felt a new kind of happiness. He wished he could hear that sound many times in the future. But now it was time to stop. He didn't want to test Merlin's limits too much and he himself felt oddly satisfied.

Arthur lied down and wrapped his arms around Merlin's shoulders like he normally did. Just now his hand on top of Merlin, he could feel Merlin's breathing much more clearly than usual and even his heart beating. He felt a section of bare skin and on a moment's impulse he gently moved his hand to rest on Merlin's shoulder inside of Merlin's pyjama top. Merlin didn't object but snuggled a little bit closer to Arthur and moved his blanket just partially on top of Arthur's arm. Arthur was happy and comfortable and he kissed Merlin one last time on the lips softly before settling down and yawning. It had been a long day.

"Sleep well, love." He said before closing his eyes. Merlin replied in kind to him and turned of his reading lamp. Arthur bent his legs just a little so Merlin wouldn't have to worry about his erection and he briefly wondered if Merlin had one too… He certainly hoped he did.

Merlin wasn't satisfied at all. He wanted more. Just a little bit… This was the first time he and Arthur had done anything besides kissing and Merlin had developed a nagging feeling that maybe Arthur, who wasn't sure if he was gay or bi or what, hadn't thought or wanted anything more with Merlin. Anything that would make him face that Merlin really was a man and not even the most attractive one (in his own opinion). Of course Arthur had seen him naked too many times for Merlin to feel comfortable with it, so he should be very aware that Merlin was a man, but still, knowing it as a fact and actually being in a physical relationship were two different things. And now Arthur had done something more and he had at least looked like he had enjoyed himself.

'I like the way you look…' Merlin repeated his words in his head and smiled at himself. Arthur had said that… Merlin wished he had more courage. If he had, he would have made at least their last kiss a passionate one… Maybe Arthur would have caressed him more if he had… Merlin mentally slapped some sense to himself. He didn't have enough self confidence and even if he wanted more, he wasn't sure how much he actually wanted. He didn't want to suddenly panic or rush Arthur thinking he was ready for something he really wasn't right now. He was feeling good with himself right now and he didn't want to shake this state of being able to be present. His mind still felt fragile and turning back to the giggling, nervous, isolated useless shadow would be highly embarrassing and if this was the alternative, Merlin would gladly chose this even if it felt a bit scary.

It took some time for Merlin to calm down enough to sleep. Arthur's breathing was now even and it soothed Merlin. In time he felt his erection settle and he also felt tiredness take over him. He briefly hoped his mother wouldn't come in their room tomorrow morning and notice Merlin unbuttoned state but he didn't care enough to try to move Arthur's hand and close the buttons. Arthur's hand weighed comfortable and Merlin was just right amount warm and cool. He fell asleep hoping he would wake up in the morning just like this so he could enjoy it in the morning too…

Merlin's dreams slowly started from where he was, with Arthur in their bed. Arthur was shirtless and he was on top of Merlin. He took off Merlin's pyjama top completely and kissed Merlin's collarbone and chest. Merlin moaned and Arthur smiled at him the way he usually did, melting Merlin's heart. He was so happy. Arthur was telling him how he loved Merlin and his hand wandered lower and lower.

However, at some point Merlin started to feel uncomfortable and he told Arthur to wait, but he didn't. Merlin started to try to stop him and cover himself but he felt powerless and suddenly, it wasn't Arthur anymore. He was again back in Uther's house, Uther on top of him reaching for Merlin's neck. "I won't let you whore around…" he said in a voice that Merlin knew too well. Merlin tried to struggle but his body felt heavy. He couldn't breath and everything was turning black. Merlin tried to take Uther's hands away but he couldn't find any strength in his fingers and he couldn't move his other hand at all. He tried to scream but nothing came out, he couldn't breath he…

Merlin woke up to a horrible sound and after a while he realised that it was his own scream. "Merlin! Merlin! What's wrong?" Merlin heard the words but he couldn't put together where he was and it was all still black. "NO! Don't touch me!" The hand from his shoulder disappeared and suddenly there was a blinding light.

"What is going on here?!" He vaguely recognised his mother's voice but he felt nausea hit him and he had to get away. He ran to the bathroom and threw up in the sink. It was nearer than the toilet seat. There was more light and voices but Merlin couldn't hear much. He kind of recognised the stew they had been eating in the evening. His mother's cooking… he slowly started to put pieces of where and when he was.

'Uther isn't here… I was sleeping with Arthur… they both know… I'm safe…' When his vomiting paused for a while, he heard his mother approach but he rose his hand in front of her palm up, making a clear sign not to come closer. He heard the steps falter and nobody came close. He felt a second wave of nausea hit him and he threw up again. By the taste and from his experience he could tell that there was nothing left to vomit anymore but his stomach wasn't ready to settle.

After a few dry heavings he could finally focus and the world stopped spinning. He opened the water and washed his mouth somewhat and looked up just to see himself from the mirror. His face looked horribly grey, but nothing Merlin wasn't used to there, but what got his attention were red markings on his neck. He touched them slowly and realised his fingers hurt some. He must have scratched himself in his sleep. "Arthur, tell me right now what happened!" Hunith was furious and Merlin understood how this must look. His shirt was still open and he had been screaming from the bottom of his lungs.

"It was just a dream." He muttered quietly before his mother would get more worried than she already was. Hunith went silent immediately and turned to his son. Merlin knew she tried to hug him or comfort him but he couldn't take anyone touching him right now so he again rose his hand and stepped back "Don't come near me, please." His mother stopped in the middle of her step and looked heartbroken and uneasy of what to do. Merlin felt guilty, he understood that his mother just wanted to do something to help him, anything. "I… I could take a glass of water, if it's no trouble…" He tried and his mother immediately told him she would be right back.

When Hunith had disappeared from sight, Merlin finally dared to look at Arthur who looked hurt and worried. "Sorry… I didn't mean to…" Merlin said but Arthur just shook his head and tried to smile at him. "There's nothing to be sorry about. Can I do something?" Arthur looked desperate to do something too so Merlin asked him if he could get him a new pyjama, his was now sweaty and wrinkled. Arthur went to get him a new pyjama and he closed the door softly so Merlin could change in peace. While Merlin was changing he heard his mother come back. He didn't want to make them worry like this. He started to understand how they had tried to make him eat and rest and go out the whole week because they had been worried of him. Of his health and sleep yes, but about his moods too. They had tried to make him see they just wanted to see him happy again. To see him stop punishing himself in Uther's place

When Merlin stepped out his mother gave him a big glass of water which Merlin took gladly and a plate with cheese sandwiches which Merlin refused. "Arthur, is it ok, if I sleep on the couch for tonight?" He didn't look at Arthur and he felt uneasy asking this but he felt it would be more comfortable and he decided to give it a go to be just a bit selfish if he could after that concentrate on being more there and less messed up.

Arthur just told him of course and took Merlin's blanket and pillow and laid them on the couch. Merlin felt thankful and he told them both that he would be alright in the morning. This time he even felt he meant that. Hunith looked sad but returned downstairs with the plate and now empty glass in her hands. Merlin lied to the couch feeling empty and tense while Arthur tucked him in gently. Merlin really didn't know what he had done to deserve Arthur.

"Can I ask you a favour?" He asked quietly as Arthur seemed to make overly sure that Merlin blanket was covering him neatly. Arthur nodded straight away and Merlin again felt guilty for making such a scene. "Will you look after my mother just for tonight?" Arthur nodded again and smiled Merlin weakly. He wasn't tired anyway anymore so he was actually glad to have an excuse not to try to sleep alone in their bed just yet. "Of course I will. You get some rest now, ok?" Merlin nodded at him as he could while covered in blanket from head to toe. Arthur smiled at the sight and rose to move out of the room. He closed their door softly and walked downstairs.

He found Hunith sitting in their kitchen the plate of cheese sandwiches in front of her on the table. Her shoulders were hunched and Arthur was sure she wasn't far from tears. "I'll make some tea…" He said when he was just behind Hunith. She jumped a little and Arthur was sure that if he hadn't said anything, she wouldn't have even noticed him. They were silent as Arthur made the tea. The room was filled with only the sound of tea water heating. Arthur didn't know what to say. He was afraid that if Hunith started to cry he wouldn't have any idea what to do. Especially when they were clearly bothered by the same thing.

When Merlin had screamed, Arthur had woken up with a scare. He had literally jumped up his adrenalin pumping almost painfully in his ears. When he had realised the sound came from Merlin, his heart had stopped. He had tried to make him calm down and ask him what was wrong but when Merlin had yelled at him not to touch him, Arthur had felt like his heart had been hit.

When Hunith had entered the room, Arthur could swear he had seen everything in slow-motion. He had seen Merlin with his open shirt, in the bed, Arthur standing next to him without a shirt and he had heard again and again Merlin scream and yell him not to touch him. Arthur had been panicking. He knew what this must look like and he feared Hunith would blame him. That she would never let him near her son anymore and he tried to explain but he couldn't think so what he actually said was closer to "I don't- he just- I -he won't calm…" And when he had seen Merlin run off, he had felt like the world was going to end. When he had heard Merlin vomit, he had been actually relieved that Merlin hadn't run away from him, but that was soon replaced by his worry for vomiting Merlin.

When Hunith had demanded Arthur to give her answers, Arthur was about to start explaining without an idea of how he was going to even start or end his sentence but to his relief, Merlin beat him to it. "It was just a dream" rang in Arthur ears. 'just' didn't seem to justify any of that and Arthur wanted to comfort Merlin with all he got but he couldn't. Merlin had made it clear he wanted neither of them near and that broke Arthur's heart. He was so glad when Merlin let him cover him to sleep and didn't show any signs of being uncomfortable even if Arthur kept moving the blanket far more times than necessary.

When the water boiler clicked to mark that the water was ready, Arthur took a tea pot and put some tea leaves in it. He took much longer time than usual to make the tea and carry it and two cups to the table. He sat in the opposite side of Hunith and poured them tea. The silence made him nervous and he wanted to do something. He had promised Merlin he would take care of his mother. He was about to open his mouth but Hunith was faster "I'm sorry Arthur… I shouldn't have yelled at you."

Arthur hadn't expected this. He was so used to that he was yelled at and never had Uther apologised to him even when he had been clearly wrong. "It's alright, you were worried. I would have been worried. I was…" Arthur tried to make her at ease. He felt relief wash over him, he was so lucky to have Hunith. She really was a better parent that he had ever had and he appreciated that she didn't think he had done something horrible to her son. But there was an uneasy feeling inside of Arthur. Maybe he had done something? Maybe he had gone too far and made Merlin see a dream like that. He wanted to confess this to Hunith who still looked like she regretted something but he didn't dare. First of all it would have been highly uncomfortable to tell how he had opened her sons pyjama and caressed his chest even in normal circumstances and now he still felt like he was on a too thin ice, could it make Hunith forbid him from sleeping with Merlin in the same room or even being with Merlin at all?

"How many times have he been screaming like that? And I never noticed…" Arthur wasn't sure if Hunith was talking to him or to herself but her voice was heartbreaking. He understood perfectly how she felt. "I never noticed either…" He said sadly looking at steam rising from his teacup. He was surprised to feel Hunith's warm hand on his arm. "But you did. And I can never tell you how thankful I am." Now it was Arthur who was close to tears. "But I took so long… and he was right next door! How did I miss it?!" He knew he was supposed to take care of Hunith not the other way around but it felt so good to get this out. These thoughts had been weighing his heart and he just now realised that he could really talk about things to Hunith. That she actually was there for him too.

Hunith shook her head and looked sadly at Arthur "Without you we would still live with that man and he would still have to scream like that, alone. Please, remember that I am thankful to you and I'm sure Merlin is also." Arthur was about to continue when he heard Merlin's voice. "I never screamed." They both turned their heads to look at Merlin who was standing in the doorway, wrapped in his blanket and looking much calmer that the two of them. Merlin walked to the kitchen and took a tea cup for himself and Arthur moved to the next chair so Merlin could sit opposite to his mother.

Both Hunith and Arthur stared at him while he poured himself tea and continued without looking at them. "I think I yelled once or maybe twice but not for very long. I might have once screamed and that didn't end very well for me." He said in a calm voice as if it wasn't anything special. Arthur's heart hurt and he wanted to reach for Merlin not just to comfort him but himself also. Hunith looked like nothing in this world could make her happy when her son had gone through that kind of things.

"Merlin… I'm so…" Hunith started sounding desperate but Merlin took her hand silencing her. "There was nothing you could have done. I didn't want anyone to know. The fault is mine." He said in a serious voice and Hunith put her free hand in front of her mouth and shook her head, her eyes glittering with tears. Merlin turned to look at Arthur with a half a smile playing on his lips but his eyes were sad. "Guess I can keep a secret after all." Arthur felt frustrated and angry and sad all at once and it was tearing his heart making him weak. "Don't say that you idiot…" He said his voice breaking and he punched Merlin on his shoulder weakly. Merlin looked at him in a strange way, rising one of his eyebrows just slightly and Arthur broke down. Merlin wrapped an arm around his shoulders and gently let him cry to his shoulder. Arthur clung to Merlin's shirt and cried not caring how it would look. There was also silent tears running down on Hunith's cheeks.

Merlin held Arthur close and his mother by her hand and let them take their time. Now he truly regretted that he had never said anything. If he had known how much pain his discomfort was causing now to the people he cared the most, he would have had courage to tell them from the start. But now the only thing he could do was to try to be brave. He decided that from now on he would talk more, he couldn't let those he loved wonder what had happened and imagine for the worst they could make up. He would get past his fears and get better. He wouldn't let his mother or Arthur or anyone else feel like they were to blame when in reality Merlin had done everything to protect his secret. Not trusting the people most dear to him enough to ask for their help.

They talked many hours after that. Of their fears and their regrets until the sun started to rise. Their conversation became more lighter at times and Arthur even dared to joke about what had happened earlier "I was sure that you would throw me out of the house when I saw your face!" He told Hunith who again assured Arthur that she had just been worried and apologised that she took it out on Arthur. Merlin managed to make them both laugh by telling how he had used to hide in his closet ("I mean, how deep in the closet one can be?") They had drank at least three pots of tea and Merlin had managed (to his mother's delight) to eat his sandwiches. The sun was rising and they all decided to go and watch it in their yard. It was beautiful and they all felt much better than before. They had talked before, or Hunith had talked and tried not to get frustrated when Merlin had not seemed like he had really listened or when Arthur seemed to feel that he had to carry his burdens alone, but now they were really communicating.

After the sun had risen fully and they started to hear noises from the next door, they decided to go to have a breakfast. After they had eaten, Hunith told them both to go to get some sleep. She didn't mind them sleeping late today, but she advised them to set an alarm to wake them up at midday so they could sleep next night. "Aren't you going to sleep?" Merlin asked his mother who shook her head "I have work today… I have to leave in an hour." Merlin felt bad that he had totally forgotten, but his mother smiled at him. "This was important to me, thank you." Merlin hugged her. "It was important to me too…" He told to her shoulder. Hunith smiled at her son's neck but when they pulled apart she said a bit of humour in her voice "Next time lets do this at the day time." Merlin grinned at her. Soon after that he let Arthur pull him by his hand towards their room. Hunith wished them good night and after she heard their door close she turned to kitchen to make herself some strong coffee.

She really was glad that Merlin had Arthur. She had panicked yes, when she had seen the state Merlin was in. She hadn't seen past her instincts to protect her child but she had soon realised her mistake. Arthur had been nothing but supportive and he wasn't the type to move things too quickly. Especially in the middle of the night, what had she been thinking? Actually if it was any normal teenager Hunith would have not let them share room nor let them be without serious talk, but with Arthur everything seemed alright. He seemed calm and more interested in Merlin than his body or sex in general and there was just this honesty in everything he did, so it was easy to trust him. Even after all this.

Oh how much Hunith wished they had met in a very different way, that there was no Uther Pendragon and that the world was more forgiving and more supportive, but she knew there was no point in dwelling what she wished. She had learned that the first time when her parents had died. She had been reminded when the love of her life had died and now… But that was exactly why she would not let herself get depressed and bitter hoping things that she couldn't change. She would support and trust and be there for Merlin and Arthur. She would fight to keep what they had found tonight. She would make them feel how much they both meant to her and how much she did not care how they had met or that they were both males.

With those thoughts she gulped down the last of her coffee and poured some more into a thermos bottle to take with her. She would seriously need it. She left a note to the table with some money that told the boys to get some sandwiches from Gwaine's and to call her if they needed anything. It was a ploy to get them go out again, but she didn't want to see any more days her son holed himself in some corner.

Just before she left, she went to the boys room finding them deeply asleep in each others arms. She smiled at the sight and she walked quietly to Merlin's nightstand and took his alarm clock. It wasn't on, so she set it to ring at noon. She closed the door with one last look to the happily sleeping couple. She had a long day ahead….

* * *

When Merlin and Arthur stepped in their room, Arthur wasn't sure if Merlin wanted to sleep next to him still. He didn't want to sleep alone and the bed felt cold and too big for him. When Merlin started to walk towards the couch, Arthur almost followed him there. He had to stop himself from asking Merlin 'why?' He had felt so much better when they were talking earlier. When Merlin took his pillow and made his way to their bed Arthur almost cried out with joy. Merlin still wanted to be near him…

Merlin let himself fall to their bed on Arthur's side and he just laid there not even putting a blanket on. Arthur sat next to him on Merlin's side and looked Merlin for a while. "Sorry, really, I made you worried…" Merlin said quietly his eyes closed. Arthur blinked at him and lowered himself to lie next to Merlin "I'm alright, I'm glad we could talk. And with your mother too…" Merlin opened his eyes lazily to look Arthur who was just centimetres from his face. "We should talk more often…" he said quietly. Arthur nodded at him feeling serious. He wanted to know everything about Merlin. No secrets or hiding things, not anymore.

"Will you hug me?" Merlin asked Arthur with something in his eyes that told Arthur that he was not just serious but wanting to make sure of something. Arthur didn't hesitate. "Of course" he said before taking Merlin to his arms. He pulled some of the blanket on top of them. This was the first time they were fully under the same blanket and Arthur found himself smiling "What?" Merlin asked and Arthur realised how much of an idiot he must seem grinning like this in the early morning but he didn't care much "Just happy to be close to you." Merlin blushed and mumbled something that could have been "I like to be close to you also." They fell asleep soon after both feeling lighter and happier than before.

Before falling completely asleep Arthur made a mental note of never letting Merlin sleep in that ridiculous cocoon.

* * *

A/N Hi! One of my favourite scenes in this chapter, I hope you enjoyed it too :) Arthur is forcing Merlin to face himself and get more active again. That is very good. Professional help has its place and somethings just can't be solved without it, but at the moment it is very important that Merlin gets more active. As he has himself noticed, he feels better if he has eaten and slept well, but doing something and going out and socializing and exercising helps in the same way too.

P.s. It's sill thechnically monday!

And of course thank you for you awesome people who still have the energy to review, I know this is a long story and it must take a lot of effort to keep reviewing, but I relly appreciate your comment, so huge thank you!

GuestChacha That's so nice to hear! I have given a lot of thought to the characters, so it's the best to hear someone complimenting them :) We will see Freya at least once after this, I'm currently writing the part she is in and I promise Gwaine will have his moment!

Angel Dove1 Yeah, tell me about the bad influence! Uther has a thing for control and even if he has never abused Arthur like that, he has controlled him to the extreme. Actually, (i'm not sure if I can explain this in the story, so I'll just tell it to you now) the biggest reason Uther never molested Arthur, was that he could control him so well, because of Arthur's nature to try to please his father. He had also always reacted in a way Uther liked him to. Taking in all his demands and only answering 'yes father' with straight posture and not bothering him before he got results. That he also never tried to divide his attention by going out with friends or getting interested in dating (as far as Uther knew), Uther already felt in control with his son. Merlin was different, he couldn't do the same. I have Uther's profile written in detail, but it's quite hard to add to this story because I refuse to write anything in point of view of Uther. About the psychiatrist, I know what you mean, but that is also why it was supposed to be in this story, usually doctors do recommend that kind of help immediately and there are very different reactions to it. Glad that you liked Elyan, how did you like this chapter's Elyan moment? And Gwen also, I'm a bit happy with that scene and it's so nice to hear that you liked it too :) Oh, Morgana... I so expect at least twice the reviews I have gotten now when she appears, so many seem to wait for her to appear ;D How could you forget Gwaine! Kidding... so nice to hear that and I love it when you tell favourite parts and lines :) That one... I enjoy very much writing Percy who is huge being this very calm character who likes to pick locks and is a bit quiet (not in a shy way, just not wanting to talk if there is nothing to say) and very much collected guy.

Chibi . warlock No worries, nice to see you again :) Moving is a pain in the ass even in normal circumstances and with the rush to get out and have to decide what to take with you knowing you will never want to come back... ugh. Yeah, it's so important that Merlin has other friends, it weightens a relationship very fast if one has to shoulder everything from the other. Besides, as lovely as Arthur is, no-one can be there all the time. It is very normal that a predator 'courts' the victim beforehand. Stalking them and thinking of a way to approach them and ways of manipulating them not to tell anyone. The scene when Uther took that photo of showering Merlin was actually in ch.3...

Kao Oh my God, I have totaly forgotten the whole child support thing! How did I manage that on?! Thank you so much for all that legal stuff, as I said, it's not my strong suit... Child suport... I'll have to modify somethings... Ahem, anyway... In finnish law, a couple who is getting married can make this marriage setlement when they get married and it can be modified to only include some part of property of one or both parties (like if you have a summer cottage that has been in family for ages and you want to make sure it absolutely satys in your family), but the most common one is that anything you own and gain while married, stays yours. Of course if the couple buys something together, like a couch and say that ok, I'll pay half and you pay half, they have to remember that themselves. So I used that, so Hunith has no right to basically anything that was in the house. Thecnically also Arthur's furniture would have been Uther's, but well, that will not become an issue... About giving the children (especially older ones) a chance to choose themselves, that is also true, I'm kind of ignoring it because I'm mostly writing about feelings in this story, but in reality yes, there would be no chance for Uther to hold any custody over Merlin, but I'm still not sure about Arthur... If I get a chance to talk with someone wh knows this side of the law in finland, that would be awesome, but please, tell me more if you just want, I don't find anything you have told me boring or just ranting, you know something I dodn't so I'm very much interested on learning more! :) Would in case Uther was found not quilty be able to at least see his son even if Arthur wanted to only stay with Hunith? Would, like social service be present all the time or could Arthur just say that he didn't want to see his father at all? I'm so happy that you can still enjoy my story even if it's not accurate :) I know the thing about tv-shows and stuff, I could talk all day of some shows with medical stuff in them... Some are actually so far fetched that they are hilarious because of that :D How funny btw that you always read this in bublic transportation, I sometimes write this in public transportation! Hmm... I haven't actually written Gwen's reaction to the chicken pizza... I might add that because of your comment :) You got Arthur's and Gwaine's reactions so well, I'm happy that I could write them like that. It was actually originaly partly from Merlin's point of view, but I changed it in the last minute... The one that is going to be in court is actually censored... I dodn't remember what was my reason to make Leon search for photos that wouldn't need censoring, maybe I'll remember if I think for few days? All in all, thank you again, I'll try to better the future scenes with everything you have told me :)

mersan123 I hope your big day went well :) And thank you for leaving a review even when you were busy! Gwaine was scarred for life, that is very true and Arthur has lost something that is a fond memory for most of us, a childhood home. In his mind he haven't had a home anymore much like he doesn't want Uther to be his father anymore. He had been so proud of his family and his home too and now he can only feel shame, hurt and anger... not nice. But at least there is nothing Uther can really do to make those photos just dissappear... This case is closed and boy are we happy about that!

Insanereviewer Good to hear that I'm not too slow :) I myself like when stories are slow, but at times I found myself doupting if I'm too slow... So thank you for telling me it's not at least now and these few chapters are kind of the slowest ones so I'm starting to feel that I'm safe :) Arthur really had some rough time in the house, but Merlin is just kind of stuck still mentaly at the time when the house was very much alright if Uther wasn't there, so if he would have to go there later (like years later even) he would most propably be as bad as Arthur, just in a bit different way. Ah, don't worry about what Gwaine found, it was just one word he said to make it known he got something, but I'll get back to that later ;) And I might update faster :D I'm kind of hoping to get ten reviews per chapter secretly in my mind, but your super juicy long reviews always make me write about an hour after I have read them so it definitely makes results so... ;) I think that in this chapter it became very clear that Arthur wants Merlin to react. In the last chapter so he would have something else to think, but now he was just desperate to see the person he loves. When someone is passive and shuts everybody out like that, it gets pretty hard very quickly... How did you like the small Arthur and Elyan moment in this chapter? Even if it was via phone... Haha! I want to see that Merlin's painting moment too... where I could add that... have to find a place for that... Ah, the psychiatrist... I'll think of something, maybe I'll just deleta everything about that one because it's not so important part here and ugh, stuff, but lets see. About the books Arthur let Merlin decide on, if you are interested, Merlin thought about them all individually, but in the end they took them all :P Awesome you liked the scene where Arthur told Gwen and Elyan, Merlins state is not that good(underestimation), you are right, but lets see how it will change from now on :) And yes, Merlin kind of feels that his world has turned upsode down. While Uther has been telling how wrong Merlin is in every sense because he is gay, how worthless and how dirty, Merlin's view on world has morphed to be that way and now people from left right and centre are telling him that they knew he was gay and it's alright to them... even if that has been all he had hoped for, it's still hard and even scary at this point. Sad, so very sad. And you are so right! There are ways of making it clear that one is alright with different sexualities and people in general. Teenagers of course aren't that good with those kind of things ye and many don't want to be too open in that way in fear they will get bullied or labeled as gay themselves and stuff like that... But at least Hunith could have made it clear that she was alright so Merlin would have found it easier to talk to her... but what is done is done. You nailed Gwaine's reaction too, I was glad I could write Percy to be there for him! Yep, no way of getting a confession out of Uther even if it would propably be even wise in this case... but well, we will enjoy him going down. Finaly, you can pount all you want as long as you keep reading on and writing these lovely, lovely reviews :P

thejammysod Yeah, Arthur had some rough time in the house he has lived all his life... You said very well, Merlin is so used to it and so the house was easy now that Uther wasn't there, in his mind he was still in the same setting he had grown used to, but if he would have to (for some unknown reason) visit the house few years or so later... that wouldn't maybe be so pretty... Very interesting that you saw parallels in Gwen, I did think that last scene she was in very carefully when I was writing this. I found her reaction and character to be the most interesting we had seen in the series at those short moments. Pity it didn't continue after that... That Gwen knew Merlin was gay, well, I hinted on it few times i the earlyer chapters. For example when Merlin had his first sleepover at Gwen's, Gwen asked if Merlin had 'anyone he fancyed' and when Merlin told her that he didn't have a girl he liked like that, Gwen knew she had been right. That's why she was so annoyed when Arthur and Elyan interrupted them. She also asumed that Merlin was dating Gwaine when she only knew his name (back when Merlin cut class to go to see him). Spot on on Gwaine, btw, He did forget what he was going to see there and Uther is a podophile, it wasn't a moments impulse to start molesting Merlin. Your cousins fiance sounds a douche... Glad to hear his mother was on your cousins side, must have been a nasty surprice when he went home and found his stuff gone :D Leaving the ring in this case was more symbolical than anything else, a clear message that she doesn't want anything to do with Uther anymore, not even for money. (if they get something in court, that is diffeent).

Guest (for ch. 6) I was a bit confused at first, I had to think how I had made someone confused of the sport this long, but then I saw it was for chapter six :D So maybe you are a new reader, welcome on board! I hope you continued reading this long so you saw this reply :)

Guest Morgana is going to make her appearance. It's still few chapters away, but she will be there :)


	36. Chapter 36 - I'm ready

Merlin woke up to his alarm clock he didn't remember setting. Maybe Arthur did? Anyway he was glad that he had woken up, his mother wouldn't be happy if she had found them sleeping when she came back home. Arthur mumbled something about not wanting to wake up and he squeezed Merlin in his arms. Merlin tried to reach for his clock but Arthur's sleepy weight was preventing him for reaching it.

"If you don't want to listen that all day, you'll have to let me turn it off." Merlin grumbled while trying to reach his clock. He was about to comment on how much Arthur weighed when Arthur reluctantly loosened his grip a little so Merlin could just barely snatch his clock and turn it off. Arthur snuggled to Merlin's side again when Merlin had put his alarm clock back to his nightstand. He had his eyes closed and hair ruffled and Merlin had to smile and wonder if he could just call Arthur cute and join Arthur to sleep for just a little while… A somewhat bubbly feeling rose inside of Merlin, he wasn't just tolerating this and he wasn't intimidated by how strong Arthur felt even if he was half asleep. He felt comfortable and warm and he wanted to press himself even closer, maybe return the hug or just snuggle closer to Arthur's chest. They were still under the same blanket, Arthur's legs wrapped around his right leg and his arms on his waist and under his pillow. If he just turned to his side and wrapped his arms around Arthur… but that felt too straightforward. What if it annoyed Arthur? Or was too much? Or bothered him or if he was just so much asleep that he didn't know the difference of him and a pillow? Besides, in his mind, these wants and needs felt unwanted and dirty. He couldn't let Arthur know how much these kind of thoughts he had inside of his head.

"We umm, should get some breakfast…" Merlin mumbled not looking at Arthur who didn't seem to find this a least bit embarrassing. "Mhmm" Was the only reply Merlin got from Arthur. He didn't seem to want to wake up. Merlin laid there for a while feeling himself tense for he didn't know what to do while his mind concentrated very much on the contact he had with Arthur. He listened Arthur's slow breathing thinking that he had no chance to be that calm. He could feel Arthur against his side and Arthur's arms under his pillow and on his waist, his leg's weight and he was still shirtless… It was rapidly becoming too much. When Merlin felt something stiffen in his pants, he knew he had to get out soon. He couldn't let Arthur see, or God forbid, feel that.

"I want breakfast. I'm leaving now." Was all he said and apparently he had managed to sound determined enough because Arthur actually removed his arm and turned to his back. Merlin didn't even change, he just walked out of the room. He walked straight to the kitchen and after he was sure Arthur wasn't following him, he let out a sigh and checked his situation. He was glad to find that he was calming down, but he still felt shame. His thoughts aside, even if he was sure they showed on his face far too often, if he didn't say anything they wouldn't come out, but why did male anatomy have to have this kind of a dead give away? Everything Arthur did, seemed to get him hard. Even just normal touch or small things that were not supposed to be erotic turned him on. Like Arthur kissing his nose or Arthur opening a button or touch his neck or… the list could have gone forever from little things like how Arthur looked to more erotic things like when Arthur sometimes kissed him with tongue involved… 'Ok, I'm not thinking that now…' Merlin thought and tried to distract himself by reading his mother's note.

The thought of going to buy lunch from Gwaine made him pleasantly distracted. Going out didn't seem a bad idea anymore and he wanted to talk with someone. Well, maybe not about his self consciousness and body issues with Gwaine, but just to chat with someone. Maybe giving the therapy Freya had recommended a go wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

Merlin went back upstairs finding Arthur fast asleep, hugging a pillow, blanket only up to his waist. Merlin blushed at the sight of Arthur's bare, lean back. It looked so good… Merlin knew the amount of work Arthur did to make his body to look that good, but Merlin couldn't believe that even if he did the same, he would look even nearly that good. Arthur's skin looked smooth and it was nicely tanned. Merlin wondered if it was ok to just let his fingers trail Arthur's spine or his muscles and before he thought about it, his hand had moved to reach for Arthur's sleeping form.

His fingers were so close that he could feel the heath that was radiating from Arthur when the fear struck. For some reason his mind threw him a picture of Arthur snatching him by his wrist and pulling… he could see angry eyes and feel a painful squeeze around his wrist. his legs tried to give and Merlin just barely remembered to breath before that happened, but he still wavered where he stood. He slowly sat down, careful not to make a sound and just breathed shakily in and out slowly. He kept his eyes on the sleeping face in front of him and hugged himself hoping to stop shivering.

Arthur was still looking calm and definitely sleeping and after a short while Merlin could just think 'What am I doing?'. Arthur wouldn't do anything like that, he wasn't afraid of Arthur. He wasn't, so what was this? What was he afraid of? The answer was of course, quite a lot of things. He was afraid of Uther and losing control and saying something wrong or losing those he held dear and going back to school and his own mind and the court and going out alone and… But not Arthur, not his mother, not this house, not anything that was in this room or in this house or even outside of it, not near at least, so what was he afraid right now?

As he tried to time his thinking with the rhythm of Arthur's breathing so he would stay in presence, he came to a conclusion. Nothing, there was nothing he was actually afraid of right now, it was that the fear was inside of him like a snake that could bite at any moment. A snake that had grown many heads during the time he had been under Uther's control and even if Uther was not here, the control was still there until Merlin would bit by bit break it. And it was something he would need to do himself. While others could support him and hold him when he broke down, they couldn't go inside of his head and pick up the pieces of Merlin's broken view of world or change what he felt. He would have to find the courage and strength to slay the snake himself. One head at a time. He would have to and he would have to learn not to take the easiest way. When Arthur or his mother would ask him what was wrong, he would have to see the effort of telling them. Not just run away to take a nap he didn't really need or lie because it was easier.

Merlin looked at Arthur who hadn't as much as stirred. Arthur… had wanted to help, that much Merlin could believe. Maybe he could ask for the help, maybe he could afford to show he was weak when it didn't matter. Maybe he could take a deep breath and face his fears one at a time and afterwards ask Arthur to tuck him in at night and his mother to make him tea and read him old stories. He was sixteen, he wasn't a child anymore and it felt embarrassing to admit that he still wanted to be treated as one at times, but maybe he could do that. Just slay the first head of the overgrown monster and trust in his mother and Arthur completely. Giving up on the little control he had and laying his soul bare frightened him, but he knew it was supposed to. He was afraid, but he had to take the risk in order to find himself a way out of this. And who could he trust in this world if not his mother and Arthur who had given everything up just to be with him.

Merlin took one deep breath and before he could start to doubt himself, he let his fingers run through Arthur's hair and to his cheek. He caressed Arthur's cheekbone and thought over and over again that nothing bad was happening, that Arthur wouldn't get mad even if he was awake. Then just the smallest of smiles broke to Arthur's features and his eyes fluttered open. Merlin could just stare into his love's eyes, hazy with sleep they again closed slowly, but the smile still remained as Arthur fell asleep once more.

Merlin breathed out what was almost a sob. He pressed his forehead against Arthur and murmured "I love you…" almost whispering. This was all the proof he needed. He had made the right decision. From now on he would try his best.

He walked into their closet and changed there. He briefly thought of waking Arthur up but he didn't really feel any need to it. He could go out and walk to Gwaine's store alone. Arthur was sleeping so soundly and it was Merlin's fault that he hadn't got to sleep at night, so the least he could do was to wake him up with a breakfast.

As merlin walked towards Gwaine's shop, he felt pretty good with himself. The weather was nice and he remembered the sunrise they saw in the morning and he felt lighter. He would remember that sunrise and it would mark this new start he was determined to make for himself. It had been good to talk. He had done the right thing for them all yesterday and he could feel a bit proud of himself for that.

He remembered the feeling he had had last night after Arthur had closed their door and walked downstairs. Just for a moment hearing Arthur's steps had calmed him down, it was nice to hear where everybody where and what happened in the house. He didn't feel the same lonely feeling that he had felt in Uther's house because of that. He had thought he could just fall asleep like he had many times before he had thrown up, but he felt too alert and just too awake to do that. He had no idea of what his mother and Arthur were doing and soon enough he had gathered his blanket and opened the door. He hadn't planned to go downstairs, but somehow he had felt a need to be closer to them and so he had slowly walked the stairs while listening.

It had been something very relieving when he had gathered that his mother didn't blame Arthur in any way, but when he had heard how his mother thought he had been screaming maybe on nightly basis, Merlin had just felt… in a way like he had no opinion or feelings to that. It wasn't true, he had not screamed, that would have been almost suicidal with Uther, but there was just so much more into this and it was not all as bad that his mother made it sound. Some things just were. Somethings had been bad and eventually Merlin had been able to talk about those too. He was sure he would never be ready to talk about details of how and what Uther had done to him, but maybe that was not the point. Maybe the feelings were more important than that. Maybe it would be alright in the future too not to tell how Uther's dick had tasted like, but lying about his feelings… he would have to stop that.

It wouldn't be easy. He was so used of hiding behind closed doors and false smiles that he would have to work hard to get used to smiling when he really felt like it and opening doors he had tried to close with lies. Merlin had to see a bit of humour in this. He could now fully understand the metaphor of being in a closet.

* * *

When Merlin reached the store, Gwaine was laying on the floor behind his counter reading some very official looking documents in the most unofficial way there possibly was. Some of the papers were on his stomach, some next to him on the floor and some in his hands. They couldn't be in any kind of order at this point.

Merlin just walked past him to see what kind of sandwiches Gwaine had made today. "You could at least say hello, you know?" Gwaine commented from the floor not pausing his reading. "Haven't I given you enough personal information to last a lifetime of good manners?" Merlin shot back choosing the only two options Gwaine had made today, spicy turkey for Arthur and salmon for himself. Gwaine looked at Merlin a bit taken aback, but when he saw just Merlin's back, he sighed and gathered the papers before standing up just in time when Merlin put two sandwiches and some chocolate on the counter.

"I'm ready now. I can come today and tell everything I know." Merlin said determined and looking Gwaine in the eye. This Gwaine hadn't waited for and a ridiculously big smile broke to his face. He had known it all along, Merlin would come to this decision himself, he was ready to stand up for himself and Gwaine had been right to trust that. "You are brave, you know that right?" He had to ask for how Merlin was standing in front of him, that should have been apparent to anyone, but maybe Merlin didn't see himself as he should.

As expected Merlin looked a bit weirded out and to Gwaine it seemed like he was trying very hard to tell if Gwaine was joking or not. Looking at Merlin in the eye now, Gwaine felt there was something else there that courage too, there was something very smart, even wise in Merlin's eyes. He had clearly done some thinking most of his age, hell even people in general wouldn't have been able to do at this point of time and affairs. That moment Gwaine realised that he would respect Merlin for the rest of his life. They wouldn't just know each others because Merlin had gotten beer from him, but because they really, truly were friends.

"I'm not that brave…" Merlin finally said and there was something else Merlin wasn't saying, but Gwaine had a pretty good idea what that was. "Hmm, I would say you are, but if you don't feel like it sometimes, you have me and Arthur to be brave for you." he said with all the sincerity he got and ruffled Merlin's hair over the counter.

Merlin made a movement with his head like trying to avoid Gwaine's touch and grumbled something about not needing to be petted. Gwaine chuckled at him softly and Merlin had hard time trying to hide his smile. "I might have some roast beef in fridge if you'd like to have that instead." Gwaine said pointing at the salmon sandwich while already walking to his kitchen.

Merlin scratched his head and shook his head, but he knew Gwaine had already seen his smile. And maybe that was good.

Gwaine arranged the time he would come and pick Merlin up with Iseldir while he made the sandwich and told Merlin more or less what to expect his lawyer to be like. He also warned him about the Adder. "Just tell what has happened as it has. Remember that you have done nothing wrong and be aware that he has a habit of cutting your sentence in a middle if he gets the answer he wanted." Merlin listened all the advice very seriously. He would need whatever he could have in advantage.

He only left when Gwaine closed the store at two o'clock. They would see again at five.

* * *

Merlin found Arthur still sleeping when he walked in their room. For a moment Merlin just kept looking at Arthur's relaxed state and wondered if he had the right to wake him up, but it was really a high time for him to wake up. "Rise and shine. It's a nice day outside!" Merlin said overly cheerfully and opened their curtains so the light would shine in the room. Arthur groaned at him. "What nice is there if I have to wake up…" he complained and tried to cover his face with a pillow.

Merlin stepped to stand right next to him. "Breakfast!" He replied still cheerfully. Arthur turned lazily on his back and Merlin couldn't help but smile at Arthur. He was a bit cute like this and when he stretched, his blanket slid away from his chest and Merlin would have lied if he had said that he didn't like what he saw. He dismissed the feeling of it being wrong. Hadn't he already confessed to Arthur that he was attracted to him when he had told him that he loved him anyway? Now with his mood high and feeling like he had accomplished something today, he could think it that way.

"So, this breakfast you were talking about…" Arthur said as he sat up in the bed making last of the blanket that had covered him from half way of his ribs to slid down. Merlin couldn't keep his gaze in Arthur's eyes anymore so he turned away handing Arthur his sandwich. Maybe he could retire to their couch?

"How's Gwaine?" Arthur asked while opening the wapping. "Lazy as usual." Merlin told him while sitting to their couch to eat his sandwich. Arthur laughed but soon concentrated on eating having not eaten in… about eighteen hours made him ravenous. They ate in peaceful silence. Arthur could tell that Merlin was somewhere deep in thought, but it was alright because he didn't seem like he was spiralling inside of himself but like he was really thinking. It was nice to watch and Arthur felt proud. Of Merlin, but also a bit proud that he could say that his boyfriend really was intelligent. He wished that someday Merlin could use his full potential in something he loved. He wished he could help Merlin get there and support him on the way.

After he had eaten, Arthur went to take a shower to wake up properly and Merlin sat outside to read a book. He normally didn't like too much to read outside because sun light reflected too brightly from the white of pages, but today he did it to stay awake and calm his nerves a bit. He had now gone through every advise Gwaine had given him and he had thought of what he wanted to tell. He knew there would be questions he couldn't prepare himself for, but he had accepted now that he would have to confess many embarrassing things and not just those that had been done to him, but also those he had done himself he was not proud of.

In a way when time had passed, Merlin had started to live just hours at the time. It was always 'now' and 'tonight', never 'yesterday'. That had made him able to cope, not remembering and denying all the hard times by telling himself that he had survived and it was over so it didn't exist anymore. Now he would have to go back to those times he had never processed in any way other than labelling them as something he didn't want or even hated. The hardest thing right now was that he couldn't predict how doing that would affect him. That one, he had decided, he would just have to wait and see, but then there was the things he couldn't, wouldn't tell.

First of all, Arthur. Merlin couldn't tell that he was now dating Arthur. Gwaine hadn't said anything about that, but Merlin knew that it would make everything so much more complicated and whatever happened, Merlin didn't want Uther to focus on his son in any way during this all and especially not to the fact that he and Merlin were together. While he had thought this through, Merlin had felt fear of the thought of lying when he would be asked to tell the truth, but looking at Arthur eating on their bed, he had come to a conclusion that it was not their business. That they were now boyfriends had nothing to do with what had happened, it all would have happened either way and Arthur had no part in anything else but being there giving some light and hope in his life.

The second thing he would have to keep to himself would be from where he had gotten the alcohol. Merlin was quite certain that they would ask him about the drinking, the police must have found the rest of he is beer. He hoped that he would never have to talk about it with his mother, but that felt very much a pipedream at this point. For now Merlin had been able to not even think about drinking that much and he hoped it would stay that way, but giving up on drinking completely or promising he would felt very taxing and almost impossible at the moment so he wished he wouldn't have to. But the point was, that he couldn't let them know that Gwaine had sold him the beer. He was working as an officer for crying out loud and even if Merlin had lived in a delusion that he could pass himself old enough to buy alcohol, he now knew that if asked, Gwaine had no way of convincing anyone that he had thought that Merlin was on age without even asking to see his ID. Just no way, even Arthur looked at least two years older than him at the moment.

Merlin stared at the page he had been reading and he realised that he didn't have any idea what he had just read. This wasn't working as well as it had in the past. Maybe he should dig a school book out and force himself to concentrate? Or maybe not… wasn't his this morning's resolution to not escape, but deal with things as they came? But what could he do? What was there?

He remembered when he had last time tried to think of something he still enjoyed or wanted to do on his free time, but right now he felt that he was even worse now. He just had no idea of what to do when he couldn't study. It wasn't like he could just go inside his head and fix himself either. Around him was just time and the only thing he could do was to hold his thoughts in place and think blank very much with a same concentration that while holding a breath.

He concentrated on watching how wind ruffled some leaves in a nearby tree he could see over the fence and listen of all the sounds he could hear not paying any attention of what they were, just listening how they sounded until he heard Arthur's footsteps approach and then a soft knock to the side of the open door. Arthur had started to knock when he came from behind Merlin at some point. Merlin wasn't sure why.

He turned slowly to look at Arthur and saw the effort to smile a little. Maybe he could do something with Arthur like yesterday? But at the moment he didn't feel like cuddling or actually moving anywhere… Was that alright? Or if he didn't feel bad right now, should he let Arthur decide what he wanted? He rose his legs to the chair and hugged his knees, he wasn't sure why, but it just felt more comfortable.

Arthur sat next to him after answering the smile he was offered, but then he looked a bit troubled. "Something wrong?" Merlin asked soon trying not to fear for the answer. Not everything was because of him, he mentally reminded himself. "Gaius has called me yesterday…" Arthur said sounding a bit awkward. 'Ah… of course.' Merlin immediately understood and nodded once before letting his gaze drop. He hadn't even called Gaius that he wasn't going to make it. In fact, he hadn't even sent his new number to one of the dearest people in his life. That… had been a mistake. He was finding more and more of them now wasn't he?

"If you want, I can go to meet him." Arthur offered catching Merlin completely out of guard. What Arthur was offering, was so much at the same time. He would go alone to meet a man he hardly knew in place of Merlin to tell something he had struggled to tell to two of his friends. Something that was weighing him down in so many different ways.

To merlin, it seemed that Arthur was actually the one who had lost everything because of Merlin. He had lost the only blood relative he had any contact to, he had lost the living style he was used to and the secured future he had had. He was saddled with a boyfriend who had been sulking in corners for the best part of the last week even if his life had gotten better in hundred ways compared to just a week ago or month ago or year ago… It just didn't seem fair and still he would do this for Merlin.

Merlin felt extremely selfish for feeling happy of Arthur's offer. He couldn't take it of course, even if he was seriously tempted, how could he? But he knew he couldn't go himself either. Not now, maybe not before the court had taken place if even then. Maybe there was a way he would never have to tell the man who had accepted his sexuality and his feelings for his step-brother about this? No… of course there wasn't. If someone, Merlin felt that Gaius was someone he could ask for help and he had the right to know too. He missed the older and wiser man and he felt he needed him almost the same way he needed his mother.

Merlin looked at Arthur who was looking at him very closely. He wanted Merlin to decide and for a good reason, but what could he say? Please go and tell him that I need him to offer me tea like he always does, but I can't come there so could he come and deliver it to the corner of my couch? I'll be hiding from the world there...

He must have hesitated for too long, or maybe Arthur could see it all from his face, but in any case Arthur seemed to know exactly what was going on in Merlin's head. "I really don't mind going. I think it would be best if I went today… He must be worried too and I dodn't think a phone call would cut it." He said in a patient and kind tone, but Merlin just felt a pang of hurt and a bite of fear. Yes, Gaius must have been worried, he had gone as far as to call Arthur after all and Merlin had been supposed to visit last thursday too. He had let yet another friend down. Like Gwen… he would also have to call Gwen and stop avoiding her. And ask her to tell Lance that he was gaining weight and he would have to send his new number to Will and he had been supposed to call to Vivian almost a week ago and… oh God why had he ignored everyone all this time?

"I really messed this up…" Merlin said out loud and rested his forehead on his knees. He would have to start fixing this, but from where? There were so many things…

Arthur looked at Merlin and decided that he was making no sense again. "Of course you didn't mess up whatever you mean." He said with a bit more stern voice he had intended. Merlin turned his head to glance at him. "… No I did. I should have called him sooner. I shouldn't let you all wait for me…" Merlin's voice was quiet, but sure and Arthur felt every word like the world's most beautiful apology. He felt that the last week hadn't been in vain, that all the effort he and Hunith had gone through had been worth it now that Merlin had said these words. They made him feel lighter, less tense and connected to Merlin again. They were in the same world again.

"Don't worry about it. We all understand. And it's not all on you, Gaius called me last week too, but I completely forgot it until now..." He said gently and reached to run his fingers softly through Merlin's hair. Merlin leaned to the touch just a little bit but started to look sad and pained at the same time. "I- It would be great if you went, but I can't… you have done so much for me already and I'm just- " Merlin's voice started with desperation turning to frustration and he buried his head to his knees halfway through so Arthur didn't really catch the rest. He wished he knew what to do to make Merlin see that to him it was enough that he wasn't sulking in a corner anymore and to see that he really didn't mind doing this for Merlin if it meant this much to him. He had seen Gaius once and he had liked him yes, but he knew to Merlin he was much more than that and in no way Arthur would let him go alone when he was like this anyway.

"I haven't done anything special… Just tell me if you want Gaius to know or not and if you want to come with me or not. I'm going either way when Hunith comes home." Was that too blunt? Maybe it had been, but Arthur had never been good at taking back his words so he just waited for Merlin's reaction.

There was a pregnant pause, but then Merlin took in a shaky breath and said with a quiet, shaky voice "If- if you can go… just- just tell him I'm sorry and… I'll see him when I…" Arthur didn't need anything else. He was ready to go especially now that Merlin had actually asked him to do something. Merlin looked troubled and he didn't finish his sentence so Arthur edged a bit closer to Merlin and gave him a hug. Merlin let out a sigh and let his head drop to his knees again. He was still hugging them so the hug was not comfortable and definitely a bit awkward, but Arthur knew that Merlin wasn't hiding from him and that was the most important to him at the moment.

"I'll just tell him in general what is going on and that we have moved here. You can tell him more yourself when you are ready." he murmured to Merlin's ear. Merlin nodded to his knees and Arthur let him go. "Believe me, Gaius will want to help you as much as me and your mother. He cares for you." He said in a sure tone and hoped Merlin would believe what he thought was obvious. Merlin nodded not entirely convinced but he tried to trust on Arthur's word.

"You can go now, I think he has waited long enough." Merlin said finally raising his head and looking at Arthur again. There was no uneasiness or doubt in his voice so Arthur was actually considering of doing just that, but then Merlin turned his head to look somewhere far away and continued "I have been making a huge deal out of this. It's not like I'm sick or injured. I have to stop acting like I am."

Arthur just blinked few times before he sighed and then for the show he looked up like he was asking strength from higher powers. He then placed his hand firmly on Merlin's shoulder.

"Merlin. This will be the only time I tell you this. You are not making a huge deal of anything. This is a huge deal and you need time, we all do. I don't want to hear you belittle what has happened to you." He didn't sound angry, but he was still very firm and Merlin knew there was nothing to argue about. He knew, that he had messed up and that he was overreacting and difficult and messed up, and if something, he didn't need to tell himself that this was a huge deal. He was troubled enough as it was, but he could also see that this was huge deal to Arthur. This Merlin would never deny, so he let it go with just a nod and a quiet "Sorry…", but Arthur wasn't happy with that either.

"Don't sorry me, if you have time for that, get something to eat and get healthier and then thank me for being this awesome." Merlin had to smile a bit at that. He felt the love he had for Arthur and that was enough to make his worries dim slightly. "Thank you…?" he tried this time and Arthur ruffled his hair fondly. "That's better. I'll go now, call me when we have food, I'm starving." Merlin smiled at him now a bit more widely. "Clotpole." he said. "I love you too." Arthur replied and with that he left. he could do what Merlin asked him to do, he would be fine for the hour Hunith would still be at work. While he put his shoes on, he wrote a short text message to her so she would know what to expect.

After Merlin had heard the front door close behind Arthur, he felt his stress of what Gaius would do or say rise, but now there was nothing he could do but wait. It was scary and the time ahead of him felt like eternity, but what he had to do now, was to stay in present and trust Arthur.

There was no way he could keep on reading now, so soon he wandered inside and eventually to kitchen. He was not hungry, but he still opened their fridge. There were ingredients for their dinner and some healthy snacks his mother had told him to eat whenever he felt like it like nuts and fruits. He was about to take out an apple just to have something to do, but he changed his mind and took out some potatoes and onions. He hadn't cooked anything in ages, but at least he could do some of the stuff he had done (and moaned about) most of his childhood when they had still lived in the village.

While he was washing potatoes and peeling onions, Merlin realised that he had forgotten to tell Arthur that Gwaine would pick him up at five. He took his phone out and texted his mother, but he didn't want to bother Arthur, so he just hoped he would be back home before five so he wouldn't feel like Merlin had lied to him again.

* * *

Arthur walked towards Gaius' home trying to remember where exactly it was and how to walk there. Maybe he should have at least asked Merlin some directions before he left? The extra time also gave him far too much time to think if leaving Merlin alone was a wise decision at all. But what could really happen in one hour? Ok, too many worst case scenarios popped to his head at once, but seriously speaking, their home was safe. And the look Merlin had given him when he had told him that he could go had just been… Arthur wasn't sure what, but he knew that Merlin wanted this over with too and well, maybe being alone for a short while would do Merlin some good. He himself was feeling quite good just being outside alone even if the walk was going to be short. Hopefully short, if he could just remember the name of the damn road…

It was about fifteen minutes later when Arthur passed a stone wall and to his delight he saw Gaius sitting on a bench next to his house. He yelled 'hello' at him and Gaius' face light up at the sight of him and returned in kind by telling him to circle around the house and come in.

Arthur was glad that Gaius was inviting him in. It would be much easier when they could talk inside. Arthur circled the house as fast as he could and found Gaius waiting at him his door open. Arthur walked in and sat to the table while Gaius went upstairs to make some tea. In Gaius' opinion it was always easier to talk while eating or drinking something. Most of the serious conversations tended to become awkward if your hands had nothing to do and judging by the posture and the lack of Merlin in sight, this conversation would be serious.

After Gaius had sat down and they both had a mug of tea in front of them, Arthur was supposed to start explaining. He opened his mouth but he didn't know from where to start. He knew he should have something by now and he was quite sure he had gone this through in his head at least ten times after he had talked with Elyan, but his mind was blank. Gaius wasn't in the most patient mood today so when he saw Arthur hesitate, he asked him straight "Arthur, what has happened to Merlin?" Arthur looked at him surprised by his bluntness. "I know I'm not really a part of his or your family, but he hasn't as much as answered his phone and neither have you. I would still very much like to know what is going on."

Arthur saw the same frustration he had felt many times in these last couple of weeks, even months in Gaius' voice. He took a deal breath never looking away from Gaius' eyes. Telling Gaius that his father had raped Merlin wasn't an easy thing to do. He hadn't thought it would be, but now it was in front of him and he started to feel his own shame rise its head. How ashamed he was to admit what his father had done and how much he wanted Gaius to like him, but he just had to ignore both of those feelings because it was his responsibility now to tell what he had promised he would.

When the silence kept dragging, Gaius got really worried "Arthur, is Merlin alright? He's not…" This Arthur had to answer right away, he heard the unsaid 'in trouble? seriously injured? gravely ill?'' and he didn't want to make Gaius guess anymore than he already had. "No! I mean… he's home now and he's safe now, but…" Gaius looked at him pained and clearly dreading what he would hear and Arthur himself felt his heart beat painfully fast. He had to take a deep breath in order to continue. What he was going to tell Gaius would in no way be any better than any of the worst case scenarios the older man obviously had.

"We- we live with Hunith now… We moved just last weekend to a house next to the park nearby…" Gaius looked confused now. He tried to make some sense to this confession when he realised that Arthur had said 'Hunith'.

"What about your father?" he asked and Arthur frowned and Gaius looked at him very much confused now. Arthur wanted to say 'not his father anymore' but it felt heavy, too heavy to say. "He- that man, is now in jail." he said with so much bitterness in his tone that Gaius had to raise his eyebrows at that. Arthur ran his hand through his hair and he looked positively sick and hurt and mad at the same time before he seemed to get his emotions in check. Gaius started to see the picture. Arthur's father had done something to Merlin.

But when Arthur gathered himself and straightened his pose and said "He- he raped Merlin." while looking Gaius straight in the eye, Gaius felt like under the worst he could have ever feared was another level of horribleness and he had just sank there up to his neck. This had happened once in his life before, but one didn't really get used to hearing that their loved ones had been hurt. It was too horrible to imagine. Merlin, his Merlin who was overly innocent, kept himself apart from physical contact and blushed about holding hands had been…

"No…" was the only thing he could say. It was like the whole world disappeared for a moment when he tried to wrap his head around that Arthur's father, who Merlin never talked about, had raped his step son. Merlin had been… oh God, these things never were that simple. It just didn't happen that a father suddenly, out of the blue, without any kind of warning just forced their step sons to have sex with them. There was always some kind of courting, hints and abuse beforehand. Oh God, when had this all started?

When Gaius' eyes focused again Arthur was looking down shame and pain written all over his face and Gaius immediately understood that he had to do something about it. Merlin was not here now and he himself didn't matter right now. He was the adult here and his responsibility was to concentrate on Arthur. The doctor he had been took responsibility and the control of the conversation they had just started.

"Arthur, are you alright?" Arthur rose his eyes to meet his and nodded. Gaius wasn't convinced. "Does Merlin know you are telling this to me?" Arthur nodded again "He will talk with you and he said he is sorry that it's so late, but he- we didn't have a very good night last night. He had night mares." Arthur was making excuses now and he knew it, he just wanted desperately to keep Gaius with them. He had known this was important, but right now he felt it so much stronger. He felt that he needed Gaius to keep talking to him and help him to help Merlin. He wanted to tell him that he wasn't the same as his father and that he wanted to take care of Merlin and that he wanted advice, that he couldn't do this alone, but he didn't know how.

"Tell Merlin that he can come to talk or not to talk anytime he wants. There is no need to hurry." Gaius' tone was steady and serious and Arthur could breath a bit easier, but he knew that even if Gaius had said that he needed to know more. He knew this all wasn't this simple and soon enough there were questions. "When did this happen?" Gaius asked and Arthur knew there was so much more to the question than the obvious. He took a sip of his tea to get some time to think of his answer. "I found out two and a half weeks ago, he was arrested one and a half weeks ago." Well, there was the truthful answer to the question.

Gaius nodded at him looking like pieces of a very painful puzzle were finding their place in his mind. So he had seen Merlin after the rape. And then Merlin had been… happy. He had seen Merlin in much worse shape than then. 'I have had a good week' shouldn't include getting raped. And there it was. Merlin had been cutting class and drinking beer in his bushes. This was the reason. The whole time Gaius had known Merlin, he had been sexually abused by his step father. That explained it all. Gaius had seen women who had survived rape and had needed medical help afterwards in his clinic a long time ago, but the thought had never crossed his mind. He had never been specialised in children and Merlin was a boy. While he knew this kind of things happened, nobody ever had talked about boys who have been sexually abused back in his days. There was no protocol or channels for them in most of the health care he had seen nor enough information for the victims or for doctors available.

"But it has started a long ago… right?" He said in a quiet voice not really wanting to hear the answer and knowing it already. Arthur nodded. "And we never noticed anything?" he continued feeling he had let Merlin down. Arthur shook his head sadly. They spend a long time in silence and then a lot of time telling all the little things they should have noticed and Arthur felt his guild ease a bit. Arthur told Gaius briefly how he had found it odd that his father locked Merlin's door and how he had heard them through a closet door and how Merlin had yelled him to go away when he had seen him chained to his bed. How the police had come and how Gwaine had saved them.

"It must be hard on you to realise what you father had done." Gaius told him at one point. Arthur nodded at that feeling he could admit that now but said nothing. "But you will take care of Merlin won't you?" Gaius' question surprised Arthur. "I will…" He said hesitantly not sure what Gaius was after, but somewhere in his heart a feeling of pride started to form. Gaius trusted him enough to ask him that.

Gaius' brain was getting more and more pieces together when his memory worked details together. Merlin had practically told him that he and Arthur had been on a date after Arthur had found out about his father raping Merlin and now he was here, in place of Merlin looking like his heart had been crushed and mended at least ten times in the past week. "Tell me, my boy, how are you and Merlin?" He didn't dare to ask straight if they were dating, he didn't want to be mistaken and make things more difficult they already were..

Arthur looked Gaius in the eye now knowing what he wanted to hear. He took a deep breath. He could say it, Gaius calling him 'my boy' somehow let Arthur believe that he wouldn't at least get angry at him if he said it. "I live with him." Gaius gave him a look that said 'And?' "…and not as his brother, but as his boyfriend." Arthur used Merlin's own words to explain. It was easier that way. To his surprise Gaius smiled fondly at him even if his eyes were tired and sad "At least you bring me some good news."

Arthur was dumbfounded. In his life he hadn't seen this kind of a reaction to this subject. His father aside, he had only ever heard positive comments of gays in his own age group and even those he could tell that were not personal. There was no-one who was openly gay in his school and he had never talked with anyone who actually knew any gays. His father's associates he had heard couple of times sharing Uther's views and he had thought it was an age thing. That all over forty found gays wrong, or after how Hunith had reacted, at least men over forty, but here he was sitting in a table with seventy years old man who didn't even seem surprised and Arthur realised that Gaius must have known Merlin was gay already.

"You… what have Merlin said to you… about me?" He asked feeling a bit shy. Gaius looked at him amusement replacing just the tiniest bit of his pain. Seeing Arthur get more animated was now his top priority. "Oh, he has mentioned you a couple of times." He said a bit teasingly trying to make Arthur feel a bit more comfortable, maybe he could help Arthur with whatever was seemingly weighting his mind?

Arthur found himself so interested to hear more that he forgot to be awkward. "Can you tell me something?" He asked and leaned a bit closer to Gaius who could see the same interest towards Merlin he had seen the first time he had seen Arthur. "I remember him being very happy about you holding his hand the last time he visited here…" Gaius tried hoping to keep the subject light as long as possible. Arthur felt his face heat a little, but hearing how Merlin had told something like that… maybe it had been as nice to Merlin as it had been for him? Arthur wondered if Merlin liked that kind of simple, non sexual touches the best.

"I- I want to do more than just hold his hand." Arthur said, suddenly needing answers from Gaius "But how do I know I don't hurt him, like…" He stopped midway his sentence. He couldn't say it. But he still needed answers. He was ready to ask for advice and he felt he could trust that Gaius would know them and tell them to him.

Gaius looked at him with a kind expression with a tad of pity mixed in. "It won't be easy to have a physical relationship with someone who has been hurt like that. You will have to be patient." Arthur looked at him with pained expression. "I know that, but how patient? I- I have tried but just last night I wanted him closer and I don't know, he seemed alright but then he woke up screaming in the middle of the night! What if it was my fault?" Gaius looked at Arthur seriously. That sounded very much like a post traumatic behaviour. The abuse had left an ugly scar in Merlin, of course it had, and Gaius had hard time believing how calm Merlin had been all those times when they had seen during the year. But again, he was supposed to concentrate on Arthur at the moment. He didn't know what this 'closer' meant, but he trusted in Arthur's ability to tell if Merlin was alright or not. He wasn't quite sure why, but there was just something in Arthur that made Gaius respect him.

"I would say, that if Merlin was alright he was alright. Dreams can be triggered, but you can't stop being close to him just because you are afraid of what kind of dreams he will have." Arthur sighed with relief. He had been afraid that Gaius would tell him that of course he was at fault and that he should stay away from Merlin. "What did you actually do with Merlin?" Gaius still had to know and he wanted to make sure Arthur had understood him correctly. Arthur blushed darkly. Even if he had wanted answers from Gaius, he kind of wished he could just read the questions Arthur didn't even know he wanted to ask from his mind so Arthur wouldn't have to say anything. "We share a bed… and I wanted him closer so I hugged him..." Arthur said blushing. He couldn't say anything about opening Merlin's buttons and touching his chest, it sounded too weird.

Gaius nodded. That didn't sound like anything one should get worried at all. And to share a bed… That meant Merlin's mother was aware and supporting of the situation. That was good. That would prevent a lot of hasty situations and create a much more comfortable environment for the boys to have a relationship. It also warmed his heart to hear that Merlin had found the courage to tell his mother about his sexuality. Merlin really deserved one supporting parent, everyone did, but especially now hiding his true self or being afraid of his mother's reaction… Well, Gaius was just happy that Merlin was free of that at least. Also… by the look of Arthur's face and his tone, and what Gaius knew what Merlin had told him… they were serious. And in love. Gaius couldn't ask for more. "If you would want my advice, although I'm not a psychiatrist…" He tried feeling quite sure Arthur would need someone to talk with him. Arthur looked eager "Yes, please" he said looking at Gaius keenly.

Gaius smiled a bit. He had managed to make Arthur trust him enough for him to try to help him. "It seems that you are very close and I know Merlin have had feelings for you a long time now, what about you?" Arthur's heart jumped with joy when Gaius told him about Merlin's feelings and it was not difficult to answer him after that. "I have loved him for a long time now… I never expected he would return my feelings.." He now had a faint but permanent blush on his cheeks but Gaius also saw his face lit at the mention of Merlin in this kind of context. "And you did nothing about it until recently?" he asked "No… actually it was him who asked me to kiss him…" The air was getting pink and fluffy around Arthur and Gaius almost saw a pleasant memory play in front of Arthur's eyes. Teenagers… The only good thing Gaius could think about growing old was that he wouldn't have to be teenager ever again in his life.

Gaius cleared his throat and Arthur snapped out of whatever that had been. "But you are unsure of how to be with him now? You feel that you don't know where the line of too much is?" Arthur looked a bit ashamed "Once I wanted to… I don't know, it was just for a short while. I have never been so much interested in this kind of stuff but with Merlin… it's just different."

'Interesting' Gaius thought. "So basically your sexuality has just woken up and now you are afraid that you will lose control and hurt Merlin who is in no doubt in a fragile balance of the whole topic." Gaius remembered vividly how strongly Merlin had reacted when they had talked about his homosexuality and if Arthur had seen anything like that, it was no wonder he didn't know how to act. Arthur now looked his mug like the steam rising from it would tell him the meaning of the universe and nodded stiffly. "My boy, think for a while, what would you do and feel if Merlin said you that he wanted you to stop, for example when you were kissing him?" Gaius knew the answer to that, but he needed Arthur to realise it himself too.

Arthur thought this for a moment. Merlin had not said he wanted to stop many times but he had pulled away and he had shown signs of discomfort and Arthur had always let him go. If he wasn't hysterically trying to claw his way out of a shower trough wall that is. He knew he had no right to demand anything that was not given to him after all. He imagined Merlin actually saying 'no' to him and it made him feel…

"I wouldn't want to do anything to Merlin if he didn't want it too." He mumbled to his tea mug. "And what if he was looking scared, or crying or trying to get away, what would you do? Would you still continue whatever you were doing?" Gaius pressed the subject and he saw all hesitation vanished from Arthur's face. He looked horrified "No!" He said feeling ill. He didn't want to even image that possibility but the memories of Merlin yelling and screaming the last night played in his mind vividly. He shuddered. Gaius smiled at him looking pleased "Then there is your answer. You don't want to dominate Merlin, you want to feel with him. Just keep that in mind and follow Merlin's reactions closely." Arthur nodded, feeling better hearing Gaius' words. He could agree to that. "But what if I want to touch him and I forget?" 'Like the time I almost pushed him down without thinking…' "You won't. I'm sure of it because you love him." Gaius said with sincerity but Arthur felt a bang in his heart. Did it mean that he had almost pushed Merlin down or that he had wanted to take things further so soon that he didn't love Merlin?

Gaius saw Arthur sudden discomfort and he understood that they were talking about different things. "What I mean, is that if you love Merlin, you wouldn't want to make love to him or kiss him if he showed clearly that he didn't find it pleasurable and I trust that you can notice his discomfort." Arthur seemed to cheer up at his words before he caught on the 'make love' part when he blushed. He obviously hadn't thought of it that far. Gaius found himself smiling at his reaction. Maybe the teenagers had their good sides. Maybe it was also the good side of growing old that he could still meet and interact with youth and in a whole new way. He had never thought it that way.

"If I can tell you one more advise… at least I found this to be an important part of my love life, if you don't find it too troubling to hear me say that… " Arthur looked like that was the last thing in the world he wanted to hear and Gaius laughed softly. "I found telling my partner how much I appreciate them important. Just small things like how you like them touch you or how beautiful they look. It makes the relationship more open and honest and because of that, more comfortable." Arthur took this to his heart. The advice had been surprisingly good and useful to nearly every situation. And he could just forget Gaius ever saying the words 'my' and 'love life' in the same sentence.

"Merlin keeps saying that he is dirty and that I shouldn't touch him and I think it's because of… that man." He wanted to explain Gaius and Gaius understood. "I see… then it's even more important that you tell him openly that he is not and that to you, he is important. In rape, it's not about love and that can twist one's vision of sex for a long time. Especially when it was, I assume, Merlin's first time." Arthur had never asked but he nodded anyway. He was quite sure Merlin hadn't have sexual relationships before… 'not thinking about that!' He buried that one somewhere under everything else, maybe he could ask Merlin one day, but he was quite sure that Merlin had said 'yes' when he had asked if there first kiss had been Merlin's first.

Gaius was silent for a moment, thinking. "It will not be easy for you, but if you truly want to help Merlin, you will have to show, with time, what physical contact really means to the both of you. Tell him with your honest thoughts what you feel and make him understand how it is not a bad thing to be close to someone if it's because of love. Keep the communication open and honest. Don't rush, listen to him and ask him how he feels." Arthur listened this like a gospel. He had always had someone whose word he had trusted blindly and taken every word by heart so it wasn't surprising that he was searching something similar now. It just felt that Gaius was a lot better option to listen and obey than his father ever had been.

"I will. And I'm not in a hurry, I just… want to be near." He really felt that way and saying it out loud made him finally see that he wasn't a danger to Merlin. He was different from his father and now he knew where his feelings lied. He was so glad that he had come to talk with Gaius. He had completely forgotten how he had come here in place of Merlin.

Gaius smiled. He could trust Merlin to Arthur. They would be alright, but they would need help and support. With that they could have the strength to carry on even with such heavy affairs dragging them down. Gaius would be one of the supporters and he knew he wasn't alone. Merlin's mother was obviously on their side and Gwaine from the store… Gaius was quite sure now that Gwaine also knew about Arthur and Merlin and he had a strong suspicion that he was working with his father because he wanted the best for Merlin. Gwaine asked for Hunith's number from Arthur. He would call and introduce himself to Merlin's mother who in no doubt would be highly alarmed if Merlin left to visit some old man she didn't know.

Arthur and Gaius had some more tea and their conversation focused on Merlin mainly, but the both of them felt that they had become close. Gaius suggested Arthur some books on the topic he could loan him which caused Arthur to roll his eyes "So that's why you and Merlin get along so well, you both clearly have thing for books and making me feel like an idiot." Gaius could laugh at that. "That, and scrabble, we should play sometimes together." Arthur rose his hands in defeat "Please no, the last time I played with Merlin, he won with twice the points and I really can't take you two against me." Gaius saw a great potential of humour in this and he was sure Merlin would appreciate it. "I'll make you know that I still can beat Merlin even if he has somewhat…innovative words he uses." They spend a while comparing the ridiculous words they had seen Merlin use in scrabble (and in real life) even though Arthur had played against him only once. after a while he almost felt that he wanted to play with Merlin again just to see which kind of words he would use. Almost.

Arthur was just laughing with Gaius about the term 'clotpole' Merlin had made to stick in his football team when his phone rang. It was Merlin telling that the food was ready. Arthur smiled at the sound of Merlin's voice and he told he would be there soon. Gaius told rose up and gathered their tea mugs and the pot in his hands. "I'll see you soon, I wish." He told Arthur who made his way to the door. "Yes, Thank you. I'll tell Merlin you are not mad at him." Arthur said from the doorway "Oh, I am mad alright, he should have told me ages ago, but lets leave something to when I meet Merlin myself." Arthur smiled and nodded. That was for the best. "See you!" He waved at Gaius when he opened the door and soon disappeared. Gaius was left with the dishes. Merlin would have offered to help him, but he didn't really mind. He could still carry some dishes upstairs himself. He felt happy that Arthur and Merlin had it figured out, but now that he was left alone he knew he would need some time to collect himself. One never really could get used to feeling the pain of those whom they cared for.

* * *

Arthur jogged home full of energy. He was ready to tell Merlin how attractive he was and how much he liked to be near him with no sexual thoughts included. Honest and open communication, right, he could do that. He would do that.

He could smell Hunith's cookings even before he opened the front door and it smelled fantastic. He was so hungry… When Arthur stepped into the house, he was greeted with a warm smile from Hunith. She looked tired but happier that Arthur had seen her in weeks. She told him that Merlin was upstairs and that the food would be ready in a minute. Arthur was happy to hear that and he told Hunith he would get Merlin.

Merlin was lying on their sofa, reading a book (no surprise there, but Arthur was happy to see Merlin actually doing something and not just sulk in a corner) when Arthur opened their door after knocking it softly. "How was Gaius?" Merlin asked immediately when Arthur opened the door. "He was like I told you, worried but wants to help you. He will want to talk with you though." Merlin seemed to relax on the spot. "He doesn't-" Merlin couldn't finish his sentence before Arthur said with a somewhat bored tone "No, he doesn't hate you or anything like that, he said you can visit any time you want and talk about anything you want. Please, Merlin, trust him a little bit more, will you." Merlin blushed but made a small smile at the same time. He was truly relieved.

After his mother had come home, Merlin had just finished mincing everything that went into a fish soup he was quite sure his mother had intended to make for dinner. Hunith had been very pleasantly surprised to see that and she had told Merlin as much, but after that she had asked very seriously for Merlin to tell her who this Gaius was Arthur had gone to meet.

Merlin should have known Arthur had texted Hunith where he had gone and for a moment there he just looked at his mother utterly confused ready to say something like 'Gaius.. you know Gaius, right?' But of course she didn't. It had taken almost an hour to tell his mother who Gaius was, when they had met and how much Merlin felt that he wasn't in any way dangerous or untrustworthy. He had given Gaius' number to his mother and promised that they could visit him together some day. After that he had retired to his room to worry if he could see Gaius ever again and what and how had Arthur said and how Gaius had reacted and… Yes he was relieved.

"Your mother said the food is ready soon." Arthur informed Merlin just before they heard Hunith yell that it was time to eat. Merlin stood up and Arthur waited him to walk past him, but he didn't.. "I have to go to the police station after dinner." Merlin told him when he was in front of Arthur.

Arthur blinked. He hadn't been waiting for this but he didn't see anything wrong with it, he just felt proud of Merlin for looking so calm, so he just embraced Merlin and told him "be brave, my love, I know you can do it." Merlin blushed at Arthur's words and leaned to his embrace softly. He had decided to be brave many hours ago but it still felt good to hear Arthur encourage him. Arthur kissed his forehead and smiled at him "You are beautiful…" He said the first thing that came to his mind. Merlin blinked at that. The word 'beautiful' felt a bit foreign to him, but it had a nice ring to it so it made him feel warm inside. It must have shown on his face because Arthur smiled widely at him and embraced him once more. 'It didn't sounded too stupid then' Arthur thought very pleased with himself.

"Merlin! Arthur! The food will get cold!" They heard Hunith yell again and Arthur loosened his hug and Merlin started to walk downstairs taking Merlin by his hand. Arthur was so happy that he had talked to Gaius.

* * *

They had some very nice, creamy salmon soup and bread and Arthur complimented the food which made Hunith seem pleased and Merlin smiled shyly when Hunith told that Merlin had actually made most of it. Arthur had never thought Merlin could cook and he said as much making Merlin roll his eyes and mutter something about way of ruining compliments. Hunith on the other hand told him how Merlin had used to help her a lot back in the village. She also told Arthur how she wasn't sure what he would think of her cookings because she couldn't make any gourmet. Arthur just brushed her off by telling that he hadn't liked that stuff anyway. He just wanted to eat his fill with delicious home cooking and Hunith's cookings were the definition of delicious. He could hear a cough from Merlin's direction that sounded a lot like 'sycophant!' Arthur was just so very happy to see Merlin to be his normal self and when he saw Merlin eat his fill his day got better and better with every bite.

When the doorbell rang in the middle of the meal he actually frowned like the doorbell was his mortal enemy dropping by. He realised soon enough it was Gwaine picking Merlin up, but his not-logical mind wanted to keep Merlin here, eating and in his sight. He wanted to take Merlin to sit on his lap and hug him and not let him go, but he just glared at Gwaine when he walked in after Hunith who had gone to open the door. Merlin was now gobbling his food down so he wouldn't make Gwaine wait.

"Sorry to disturb you during your meal." Gwaine told them and Arthur found it a little out of place for Gwaine to be so polite but he guessed that it had something to do with Hunith being present. Or maybe with the uniform he was wearing? Hunith smiled at Gwaine fondly and asked if he wanted to have something to eat also. Gwaine shook his head and told them he was fine and he would just wait for Merlin to finnish.

"I'm finished." Merlin told them soon and rose up to go with Gwaine. Hunith and Arthur could only wish them luck and wave but neither of them liked the idea of letting Merlin going alone to face the lawyers and even if Hunith had met the lawyer they had appointed to Merlin, she was still nervous and her heart went with her son.

Gwaine had loaned a car from the station (much to Percy's grief) and it was waiting in front of Merlin's home. "Great, now my new neighbourhood will think I'm some sort of criminal." He complained when he saw the was again in the place where he used sarcasm as a coping mechanism. Gwaine only smirked "That will only make the things more fun."

Merlin climbed to the car mumbling something about to wanting anything to do with Gwaine's 'interesting', but in a way, driving in a police car in the front seat was kind of cool. Gwaine was happily talking about this and that and Merlin had to wonder how he was able to stay that cheery while keeping his store open from 10 to 14 and again from 19 to 21. And in the middle of all it, go to the station and work as a police. Merlin wondered if he could work so hard as an adult.

When they arrived at the station, Merlin was nervous, but determined. He would survive this too and then he could go back home where Arthur and his mother waited him and he promised himself that he could have one selfish thing as soon as he got home after this. Even if it this evening would probably be one of the most embarrassing of his life, he would not let his new life being taken away from him. He now had a home and he now knew how people around him thought about the part of him he had believed that he needed to hide from them. He would not go back to that life he had had in Uther's house.

They met Leon talking with Finna next to a room in the floor number two. Merlin could see inside and there were two men he hadn't seen before, already seated on one side of the table. The opposite side there was one chair and on the table a camera pointing at the chair. The snake of fear bit him again and seemed to find a nest in his throat, but he would go in. He had decided.

"Hello, love. How are you today?" Finna asked him gently, but when Merlin didn't answer, she didn't ask again but continued "Leon will be joining you to your interview and I'm here to ask you if you want me to join you too."

Merlin looked at her eyes and he remembered that this woman also cared. He was done with denying those who cared so he nodded and said "Please." Finna offered him a pleasant smile and started to walk inside so surely that Merlin felt it easy to follow her. Leon in turn followed him and closed the door behind them. Merlin was now glad he had been worrying about Gaius the whole day.

* * *

A/N Hi! This chapter was supposed to be shorter than the two last ones, but here it is, a 15 000 new words... i even rewrite most of it because I wasn't happy with one part and I ended up writing some new stuff too.

My work is trying to kill me. We have two people on a sick leave right now and my boss want's me to work basically for the both of them. I have another job too and well, I barely have time for anything else but writing (which is very good way to relax after a long day at work btw) and eating and sleeping (in that order usually). You who have kept reviewing me, huge thank you! It's the best moment of my day when I open my computer and see some new reviews, you keep me going!

Skypeoplephoenix732 Hi! Great you found them cute :) Yeah, Elyan was like that, from that I got all my back story for his and Gwen's family ;) I have let a lot of parent that were dead in the series live because it's not very beliveable if everyone's parent are dead in modern day setting and all the characters like under 30... But That one I kept because it gave so much to the characters and a bit to the plot too. That was also eventually why Elyan was Arthur's school friend and not a police like all the other knights. Yeah, Arthur and Merlin have a lot to learn about eachothers and how to communicate and live together and stuff, but that is why I still have like thousands of words of this story so... lets keep moving on :)

Chibi . warlock Oh, I didn't mean it like that you should have remembered, it was never mentioned that Uther took the picture, I just wanted to tell you the detail that he did took that one in the scene in ch.3. And even I had to go back and check in which chapter that scene was... I'm so happy to hear that you liked the last chapter, and bittersweet... what a great way to describe it. I so much like when people tell me their fevourites, So many thanks again!

Kao Tell me about juggling with job and studing! I have two part time jobs who both want me to work full time and the school is starting at the end of august... I have to priorise very soon... anyway, You really got my intension here, Merlin is really suffering from post trauma but well, there was more about that in this chapter so I'm not going to babale you here what you already read... I have a tendency to start just talking and talking and I never know when to stop. Especially like this when I can't see the other and the blank stare that I often see when I have ranted on and on about something or other... Yep, poor Gwaine! And ontop of tha he is tired... Ah the family patrimony, heritage thingy.. I took that straight from finnish law, it's really so that if for example a man has 100 000 euros worth of appartment, car or what ever and the woman has nothing but she has 200 000 euros worth of summer cottage she owns alone she has gotten from her grandparent (or who ever), she will have to give something worth of 50 000 euros to the ex-husband. If she has nothing else, she can either sell the place, give a piece of paper to him that says he legaly owns 25% of the summer cottage, take a loan and buy that piece of paper, or just take a loan and pay for the man. But if they have that setlement thingy, what is his is his and what is hers is hers. Of course there are some stuff like couch no-one can proof that they bought it or if they paid it half and half, but those kind of things are not often so expencive that it would become an issue if the ex-couple isn't fighting anyway... In Finaland at least because it's a minor, the trial would be 'behind closed doors' so no-one can get in but those involved and close family members(I think, I haven't checked that one in this case, but usually it is so...) the judge and the lawyers all have oblication of confendiality, so there is no problem of them seeing the faces. It's almost impossible to get any info of those kind of trial btw. There will be police repport and newspapers and such can use those, but there would be no names or such. I hope at least because that's how I have done it :P Thank you so much for the info ou gave me! I have worked six years with children from 6 to 12 and I know somethings of how it would go with them, but I have no idea of children as old as Arthur and Merlin are. Where would Arthur live during the proses of deciding if he can live alone? With the oarent he wanted to live with? Or would he be forced to live with his biological parent? Hope you enjoyed this chapter too!

mersan123 A long one, yes! It took like ages to proof read it... but I didn't want to stop in the middle of the day either so that happened. Oh yes, Merlin has some serious post trauma and well, everything keeps changing and that has frightened him very much... You are totaly right, it's sad to witness that happen and the want to just take the problem and fix it is very strong. It's easy to snap at someone who seems to be avoiding help and not having the effort... Patience is not an easy sport. Thank you so much for telling me that I did a good job with the talking scene, the whole noghtmare-talking thing is one of my favourites :) I also like how Merlin is still able to have a kind of a father figure even after Uther, it shows to him that he is not afraid of older men in general and that he shouldn't be. And a ftaher figure can help him a lot. Lets see when he gets the courage to talk to Gaius properly ;) If there is a way for someone to get away with raping an adolescent when they have taken photos of it and there is a witness, I'm not aware of them and I sure hope that there is none. Besides getting Uther what he deserves is part of my definition of a happy ending ;) Thank you again so much for your very, very nice review!

Angel Dove1 Yes, oh Gwaine! He was so tired he didn't even have energy to rebel againts the rules... He also didn't think of the number, but he can't help with anything and well, it was better to hear straight from Arthur I think so... all in the end was well :) Yep, Aredian is one slimy piece of work and that is what Uther pays him for. I also feel that crying helps, it just somehow lessens the tension and for me it's also that I'm fully admitting to myself that I'm not alright and to just lose control for a while and then I can regroup myself, I guess. I also think they would have found eachothers anyway. 'A destiny' like in the series... Or that they just fit each others so well in a way that they better the other and always manage to do what's right for the other too. It was just a luck that they happened to be in the same school and the misfortune that they were supposed to be family... But also that they have actually lived together and still they were able fall in love :3 Aww... what kind words you told me! Well, I have to admit that I'm trying to make Arthur a perfect boyfriend for Merlin, so yay that you thought him perfect! Oh, communication... we will definitely work on that! (as you might have nticed in this chapter :P) I think if there were more men like Arthur out there, there would be much less rapes too in this world... I truly hope our generation will be the one to change many wrongs in this world even if it's not easy to believe in that at the moment with all that's happening in the world right now... but no politics here, I hope to escape that while writing. I hope you will find your 'Arthur', I'm sure he is there somewhere for you :)

Insanereviewer I sure have gotten some very long and awesome reviews, I love it! I'm so baffled that you all have the enrgy to write such great reviews for me :) So you figured it out... Tell me later if we thought about the same thing ;) You don't really have to review past chapters if you don't want to, but you can also comment on like if you liked some scenes or something that will not reveal anything, but to be fair, even if there would be some spoilers, it's not your fault if someone reads reviews before reading the story. Glad you liked the Elyan moment, you are right, the trauma is not the same, but they are young, not many have any kind of trauma and hearing how someone has survived one can be very helpfull. At least it gives a place to start from. And yes, Arthur so needs friends right now. Oh, are we now on empty threats? :D Hmm, how can I counter to that... Ha! The chapter is not named 'Morgana' so you have no way of knowing if she is in the next chapter or the one after that and so on if you don't read them! But you are doing such a good job with pouting so why stop now anyway? :P Arthur howering around was annoying Merlin yes, I'm not sure if I managed to write that one very well, but I intented that Arthur was always nearby, but he didn't know what to do, so it was mostly just sitting next to Merlin awkwardly or asking over and over again if he was alright or if he wanted anything or just lingering by. That would annoy even me. I wanted to kind of remind that kind of thing doesn't help very much. And that even if helping someone like that is kind of a full time thing, it's not that one has to be constantly nearby asking if they need help now every ten seconds. More like just be there when the other needs it. Otherwise it will wear both down in days. Again your analysis of Merlin was spot on, he really has been used to expect what would happen next and even if the change is for the better, it still frightens him and makes him edgy. Thank you so much for your compliment, I kind of wanted to write this fic because I wanted to write these emotions down, so I'm very happy to hear that you found it well written :) Gwaine 'volunteered' on going to visit Merlin to deliver the news (meaning when Iseldir said out loud that he was going to tell the news to Merlin and Hunith, Gwaine practically climped over his desk shouting 'I'll go! I'll go!') he had a hunch that Merlin wouldn't want to see Iseldir when he was still undecided and he didn't want Iseldir to press on him by telling that the hearing had been moved already twice because he hadn't come... I have to say that your obsession on Morgana is starting to amuse me greatly :D Keep on making theories, I'm so waiting for your reaction on her! I'm quite sure you have thought of the posibility of what she will be, really, for you are good at quessing plots, so I'm just glad it's not obvious (maybe), that means I can actually write plot ;D I can tell that Merlin is trying his hardest to forget that those pictures will be present in the court and seen by the judge and all... We will get back to that in...next chapter. As already said, Merlin is afraid of the change, so everything that is from his old life (like Gwaine teasing him or in this case Arthur) helped hm relax :) Lets' see about that camera fotage... Yeah go Arthur! And tea for the winners! (and it is annoying, the lack of italics I mean... My text also looses them when I copy paste these documents so I have to go through it all and add them manually...) That opening buttons + nightmare scene is one of my favourites, I think it was about after last Christmas when I woke up too early and I saw that there was this awesome clear night sky and I went to my balcony to drink tea and I made up that scene then :P Remember when Arthur and Merlin had that semi-fight at Gwen's ages ago? When Arthur accused Merlin that he couldn't keep a secret? I wrote that because I made up that line about being able to keep secrets after all... Arthur cocoon... :D I think the night(morning) was quite close of being just that. No worries about me writing Uthers pov, I have to adjust myself to emphatise with everyone I write in their pov and I have no desire to try to make up excuses in my head of why it would be acceptable to rape an underaged boy. I could do that, but just... no. Humanly possible you say... I would have to say that it would be tomorrow (yes, I write these replies as the reviews come) when I have a four hours train trip with wifi and nothing else to do but rewrite one part that has been bugging me, so see you when I see you! ;)


	37. Chapter 37 - The witchfinder

The room Merlin had walked in was obviously not designed for this purpose. It looked like someone had chosen the most bare and purposeful room they could find and someone else had tried to make it seem less intimidating. The walls were dirty white and faded and the floor had seen its best days at least ten years ago. One of the walls looked like black glass and Merlin was quite sure that it was see-through from the other side. He wondered if there was someone behind it and if there was, he hoped Gwaine was there. He was disappointed that he hadn't seen him yet. The table was obviously designed so it wouldn't break if someone decided to throw it against a wall and so that the one who tried, would need an enormous amount of power to even lift it. Still there were dents and scratch all over the surface and Merlin would have felt himself like a criminal if the chair he was supposed to sit in hadn't been changed to an armchair. A blue armchair to be precise. The lawyers were also sitting on armchairs and none of the chairs looked the same. It kind of looked silly.

When Merlin had sat down and looked at the lawyers the first time, he had no doubt which was which. They were roughly at the same age, thin and they both had short, greyish hair, but that was where the similarities ended. The other looked stern but fair and somehow soft while the other looked like he had no mercy in him and Merlin felt fear rise inside him when he looked at his eyes so he averted his gaze and looked at Finna who didn't seem impressed at all. There was a strong suspicion creeping in Merlin's mind who was responsible of the comfortable chairs.

Leon placed himself to a chair in the left corner a bit behind Merlin and Finna to the opposite side. Merlin wished he could look at them instead of these two strangers, but he had no choice at the moment. He was very much aware of the camera in front of him and he hoped it wasn't still on.

It took awhile when the man who was there to be his legal help, Iseldir, told him why they were here, what would happen and who they all were. He then asked Merlin to tell the truth and only the truth and informed him that the recording would start now. Merlin tried to look like he had nothing to hide. Like he was ready for this and he was relaxed because of that, but the truth was that he wanted to hide everything and go to hide under the table. He tried to remind himself that there was more at stake than his shame, that he really had stuff he needed to keep hidden. That he had things he needed to protect.

Merlin had expected to first tell all that had happened and he had prepared himself to reveal some of the most embarrassing things he could think of, but as soon as the camera was on, even before Merlin could get worried of the fact that Uther would see this all at least in the court, Aredian talked.

"So… last summer, july eleventh to be precise, the security company your family has hired got an alarm from your home. After that the back door was opened with no marks or forced entry, was that you who opened the door?" was the first question and Merlin had to think. He didn't even blink while keeping his eyes on Aredian's, but his mind was giving him blank. Last summer… that felt so far away. He hadn't opened any doors causing an alarm had he? He was about to say that it hadn't been him, but in the middle he remembered. That one time he had followed Arthur when he had slipped out in the middle of the night to practice his techniques. It had been last summer, around that time, right? "Yes. But-"

"So you admit you let someone in?" Aredian didn't let him finish his sentence. "Yes…" Merlin tried waiting for a chance to tell the rest, but Aredian just wrote something to a notebook he had in front of him and said with finality in his voice "No further questions."

Merlin blinked few times. He wasn't sure what he had done wrong, but clearly there was something. He felt like he had given information he wasn't supposed to give, but he had only said what was true so what had happened? He was almost there to try to explain himself when Aredian spoke again "What kind of relationship you have with mr. Mayhawk?"

Merlin had to blink at that. "Who…?" Aredian looked at him with a mock pity. "Gwaine Mayhawk, I believe you are familiar with his given name?" Merlin continued blinking. There were so many feelings inside of him and quite many of them were panicking over Gwaine's name being mentioned, but on top of them all was 'Gwaine Mayhawk… have I never really asked his surname?' It felt surreal, but kind of funny at the same time. Merlin decided that he would have to control his sarcasm too and he got a little more serious.

"He is one of the officers who came to take me away from Uther's house." He said still calculating what he was supposed to say and what not. "I believe he owns the shop you used your money every wednesday you were caught skipping class last spring and from the security camera footage I can tell you have visited there… twice a week for at least two months? very punctually, may I add." Aredian was looking at him in the eyes in a way that Merlin found hard to look at and turn his gaze away at the same time. He couldn't say no to that. He had used his card after all so they must know. It felt like Aredian knew everything at the moment.

"Yes… I did visit there." He hoped with all of his heart that Gwaine wouldn't get in trouble because of this. "Is there any particular reason you visited there?" Aredian continued and Merlin tried to think desperately what to say to that. That he liked Gwaine? Or because he made good sandwiches and he had been constantly hungry? Or that he had promised not to buy alcohol from anywhere else?

"Umm… it was near?" he tried and he knew he had been a bit sarcastic and tried to stomp that tone from his voice down as well as he could. "And that was the reason you tried to hide that? I'll cut the chase here, were you sexually involved with 'Gwaine'?" Aredian continued causing Merlin's breath hitch. There was some heat rising to his cheeks, but there was just one answer "No."

"Why do I find it hard to believe." That wasn't even a question, Aredian didn't believe him for a second and Merlin was himself starting to doubt if he had been truthful at all. He had tried to lie from where he knew Gwaine, but he hadn't been like that with Gwaine at all, but how he could say that without seeming like a liar now?

Aredian again wrote something to his papers and then, almost like asking for weather, he asked "You are homosexual, is that correct?" and Merlin's time stopped. He could see everything in slow motion but he wasn't sure if it was the world or his brain that had slowed down. "I-" he didn't know how to continue and it seemed Aredian was not interested anyway and before he had a chance to continue, Aredian continued "I see you paid about exactly same amount of money until you stopped visiting during school hours, you almost never missed a week, how do you explain this?"

"I-" Merlin didn't even remember if he had paid the same sum every week or not and he had no idea what there was to 'explain' in that. Luckily Iseldir came to his rescue. "I do not see how this is relevant to this meeting. To me it seems that you have no real questions so you are attempting on bullying my client."

And there was again connection to the world. Yes, Aderian was bullying him. Somehow that sounded right. The feeling that this man in front of him knew everything, well, if he did know everything, he should have no doubt what Uther had done, so why he was asking questions about opening doors and visiting a shop? This was a witch hunt for someone needed to be guilty and it couldn't be the one who paid for Aredian.

"I would very much see it relevant if an officer who made the arrest of my client has a sexual relationship with the supposed victim." Aredian didn't even bat an eyelash, but when Iseldir started to sprout some terms Merlin was not familiar of, it gave him time to collect himself. His brain came with a question 'what does this man know?' and when he managed to find the answer 'what Uther knows' Merlin started to breath calmly again. As strong as Aredian came, he didn't know more than the police and Uther knew. He couldn't know what he was feeling nor about Arthur. Merlin glanced at Finna who looked at him with compassion and encouragement and the most important of all, with the same eyes Gwen had looked at him when she had told Merlin she was aware of him being a homosexual. He then glanced at Leon who looked kind and slightly disturbed of the situation. Merlin looked at the camera again. This either wasn't about the details, it was about his feelings and if they were recorded, so be it. He could do this.

"Gwaine… makes the best sandwiches. He made me a vegetarian sandwich every week. I paid some extra for that. Yes, I am homosexual, but I don't like old men like him. I li-like boys of my own age." Merlin said just slightly trembling voice even if it felt like something was trying to crawl out through his throat.

The lawyers again concentrated on him rather than each others. Merlin was quite sure they had met before this case for it normally took more than few sentences to start arguing like that. A very nasty suspicion that Aredian had seen him buying beer from the footage he had mentioned made fear crawl its way back to Merlin's chest, but when Aredian didn't comment on that, Merlin realised that Gwaine had almost every time handed him a plastic bag with beer and sandwich so it shouldn't be seen in the camera. This deduction made him relax further. Telling truth where he could and changing details where he had to, this he knew how to do. He would just have to concentrate on what this man knew and what not.

"From the footage I watched, I could see you went to some back room with him twice, how is that a normal customer service?" Aredian continued and now Merlin could see the agony on Iseldir's face too. Maybe he could like this man a little.

"I felt faint and he gave me a chair to sit on." Merlin answered trying to find anything wrong in his answer. "Faint you say… did that have anything to do with your habit of cutting yourself?" Aredian continued with smooth tone and Merlin automatically took hold of his thigh. This seemed to be a mistake because Aredian immediately wrote something on his papers. Merlin tried to think, but he had cut himself the last time before Gwaine had taken him to the back room. "No… I felt faint because-"

"Of your bulimia, I presume." Aredian didn't let him continue, but he was right. In a way, Merlin had been vomiting, but bulimia? Merlin was just barely familiar with the concept and he didn't feel himself as someone who deliberately vomited, but where was the line? He wasn't sure. "No! I vomited…" He started, but while he tried to think of what to say, Aredian was already speaking again. "Because of 'psychological trauma' as the medical examination states?"

Merlin hated that explanation for he felt utterly weak hearing it said like that and he couldn't help but think how Freya must have thought that and written it down, but it was closest to the truth so he said in a quiet voice "yes." Aredian made some notes again and Merlin was rapidly starting to hate that habit. "I see… I have here..." Aredian said and placed an official looking document in front of Merlin "a written interview from the maid that cleaned your room that states that there were some traces of vomit and even blood especially in your bathroom quite often. May I ask you how often did you vomit?"

Humiliated, Merlin felt humiliated, but the question was simple enough at least "Every time after he- Uther came to my room." He managed to say. Iseldir nodded at him understanding what he meant and asked him to tell more specifically what he meant and Merlin did. He kind of liked Iseldir's style now, he didn't show pity but he wasn't intimidating either. Now he could actually find it better that he didn't have to see Finna's no doubt compassionate face all the time.

"Like a clock work then, your trauma that is!" Aredian commented the second Merlin stopped talking and he again felt he had made a mistake with something he had said. This man did nothing to change the world view Uther had hammered in Merlin's head and he could almost hear Uther whispering in his ear how this was all in vain, nobody would believe him after all. He was almost ready to ask if he could not do this after all when Iseldir shot quite a dirty look at Aredian and started to ask questions of what had happened. After Aredian's questions those were so much easier to answer.

Merlin talked what felt like forever and he felt dirty to the core admitting what had happened, stupid and naive for telling why he had never told anyone and what he had done to keep everything secret and worst of all Aredian made him doubt himself in every chance he got. His questions made Merlin's head spin and he had to constantly remind himself of what he knew, what Aredian knew, what had really happened and why. Was he telling the truth? How did it sound like? Was he exaggerating? Was he forgetting something? Did he want it after all? Had it been someone else after all? It was close to madness and Merlin felt like he had felt long ago, like he wasn't sure what was real and what was not. It was such a fragile balance he was with trying to feel like he wasn't the one at fault and when Aredian kept sounding so confident and sure and looking at him like he was just making this up, Merlin found himself confused.

At times he felt his past strangling him and his fear get better of him and at those times Finna was there, suggesting a break and handing him a glass of water or a cup of cocoa. Merlin had no idea where it had appeared from, but the overly sweet taste of milk powder and cocoa mixed in with hot water could have been drinkable life itself. Merlin decided that wherever Finna would ever ask to company him, he would not hesitate to say yes.

"What I still don't understand, is why a shopkeeper who made you…" Aredian searched something from his notes "'vegetarian sandwiches' was suddenly making an arrest." To that Merlin had no answer. He had guessed that it had something to do with Gwaine's father, but he didn't know, not really so he just replied "I don't know." Aredian looked at him from under his brows and was about to ask something else when Iseldir cut in "That is not the matter here. All the officers are employed and legally qualified and if you have more questions on the theme, this is not the place for that. Mr. Mayhawk is not a close relative and we have a clear testimony from Merlin already that he did not have a romantical relationship with him, so he is not void in this case."

Merlin wasn't sure why, but that sentence somehow made him more confident. So his words did matter after all. Maybe not to Aredian, but he wasn't alone against him after all.

After that came the discussion about the photos. It was by far the hardest thing Merlin had come across today. They were all printed in A4 size and even if it wasn't all, just few of them, they were like a hit in the gut. Merlin had looked at Leon and Finna when they were first mentioned and he could tell neither of them were surprised. So they had both seen them. Merlin had felt like crying when he had realised this.

Iseldir kept asking him what he could remember had happened at the nights the photos had been taken and to Merlin it was like he was again in the same place and time of them each while he kept talking. With each of them he could feel himself dragged around, being cuffed, being stroked and violated, hit and choked. But the fear, was not there. While it all felt so real and there, it also felt very distant. Merlin knew it was only a bit over week he had been raped the last time, but after that his world had turned upside down so many times it could have been a year. He could hear his own voice from somewhere far away and he didn't have to think what he was saying anymore, with those pictures in front of him, they could have been video recordings and it wouldn't have made much difference to Merlin.

Aredian didn't talk much during this, Merlin later came to a conclusion that he didn't have anything to say to those for he didn't want to draw any more attention to them that they already would have, but he kept making very clear what he thought about Merlin's explanations with his facial expression and Merlin was sure he would say something in the court. That was when he realised that everyone in the court were going to see this. Not just hear, but see. Uther would see this and his mother… would she go? That thought finally made some tears roll from his eyes in the middle of his sentence and as soon as he had finished, Finna was there, offering him a napkin and a new glass of water.

With that gesture Merlin felt like he was done with this all. His mother was going to see this and she had trusted him when he had told his story to her and she had remained on his side regardless of the things Merlin felt were his fault and he sure as hell wouldn't let someone who worked for Uther make her doubt if she had made a mistake by buying them a new house, taking Merlin and Arthur, oh God Arthur, out of that man's house. Would Arthur go to the court? The fear gripped Merlin's guts and he had to put the glass down before it fell from his shaky hand.

"I… hated those photos. Uther took them at times and he told me he would show them to my mother and tell her what I had done with him. That she would believe him over me and that she would hate me because of what I was and what I had done and I was stupid enough to believe that. I never wanted any of that and most of it hurt, badly. I have never done anything like that with anyone else, but Uther Pendragon and I don't care what you think happened as long as I never have to go back to that house." With every word Merlin's voice became surer and even if it was quiet, he could feel himself a bit powerful. Maybe a bit brave, like Gwaine had called him earlier today. He kept his eyes on Aredian the whole time. He wouldn't be afraid of him anymore. He actually never had been, it was Uther who was behind Aredian's motives and it was Uther he was afraid of. And Uther… wasn't the whole world. As much as he had seemed like that to Merlin, he wasn't. Not anymore.

Aredian just scoffed and didn't look impressed, but to Merlin he had taken a step forward and how Aredian reacted to it held only a little bit significance to him.

The last questions circled around the night Arthur had found out about him and the day the police came. When the session finally ended, Merlin wasn't sure if it all had taken an hour or five. It turned out to be three and a half and Merlin had no trouble believing that was the case. When he saw Iseldir turn off the video camera and give it to Leon who placed it carefully to a suitcase made for it, Merlin could just stare and hope he would never be filmed in his life again.

It took at least fifteen minutes before Iseldir had shaken his hand and reassured him he would take care of the rest and told Merlin that he could call him anytime if he still had anything he wanted to tell him. By that time Aredian was already gone and Merlin had remembered that he had legs he could stand on. It was nice that Iseldir seemed to hold his word in such high value, but Merlin was sure he wouldn't contact him. Every question and answer from today was spinning in his head without control or direction and trying to think if he had left something unsaid… not a chance.

Merlin tried to walk out of the room after Leon, but his legs shook and before he could blink, Finna was there. She linked their arms and started to walk out and Merlin had no choice but to follow. He appreciated the gesture, this way he didn't feel like he was being held by hand like a little child or being fussed over like someone who was fragile, but like he was escorting the older woman. It could have been worse.

Getting out of the room didn't help much, but the much more fresher air did. The hall was deserted. It did look a bit odd, but it made sense, it was over seven o'clock after all. Merlin was quite sure Finna had asked if he wanted something to drink and maybe he had even answered to that because suddenly there was a paper cup filled with cheap tea in front of him. "Thanks…" Merlin murmured and attempted on drinking the beverage, but it was too hot so he just ended up burning his tongue.

He was just coming to a conclusion that he was tired and the one thing he had promised for himself would be to get to sleep as soon as he got home when Gwaine opened a door next to the room the interview had been held. Gwaine was looking around like checking if the coast was clear. He soon stepped out a wide smile plastered on his face and followed by Percy. Merlin could see a glimpse of a glass wall before the door closed and behind that the room he had been, just like he had guessed. In a way Merlin felt that he should have felt uncomfortable by this, but actually he was very happy to see Gwaine. He was just about to ask if he had made any trouble for his friend, but Gwaine didn't give him an opportunity for it.

"Well done Merlin, well done! Nice touch calling me old by the way." Gwaine said and winked at Merlin. Percy just nodded and didn't come as close as Gwaine who was currently standing next to a very speechless Merlin and placing his arm around Merlin's shoulders. He was clearly in good spirits and Merlin could just stare at him trying to form a sensible sentence while keeping his eyes on Percy's big and quite intimidating form all while trying to keep the tea in his hand from spilling.

"I'm going to take Merlin home, I'm going to the shop anyway, I'll return the car tomorrow." Was the part Merlin could make sense of before he found himself from the elevator with Gwaine and Finna. "Merlin dear, how are you feeling?" Finna asked as soon as the doors had closed and Merlin could just blink again. He wasn't too sure what was happening around him at the moment.

"Uh, fine?" He didn't know yet. Finna nodded and told him he could call to her any time and that she would come to visit in couple of days and asked if Merlin wanted her to come now "Just to see you home is fine, if you need some company." She told him and Merlin actually managed to smile at her, but he declined of the offer, he wanted to talk to Gwaine a bit.

They walked together as far as Finna's car and Merlin waved at her before following Gwaine to the police car they had come with. "I'm sorry I told about the shop! I-" He started as soon as the doors closed, but Gwaine just smiled at him amused and cut his speech before at turned to rambling "Of course you did! That's how we met and you were asked to tell the truth. No worries and no harm done. Besides the Adder was just trying to shake you up. He knows there is no way to win, but he has tried to make this case void and what not, but you don't need to worry about that, let us take care of the rest will you. You did great and I'm proud of you."

It took a while, but a smile broke to Merlin's features and he felt the feeling he had felt once today. That maybe he was a little bit brave and now, he had survived what he had been dreading and actually, it hadn't been that bad. It was over now. "I really did call you old…Mr. Mayhawk." merlin finally said and chuckled at Gwaine when he made a comically desperate look and acted offended "You make me sound like my father! But I have to admit… a good one, oh the look on the Adder's face was totally worth it!"

Gwaine started the car and Merlin felt sleepy, but he had just snuggled himself into a more comfortable position when Gwaine stopped the car. In front of the same pub they and eaten last week just two blocks down the street. "Fancy a beer?" Gwaine asked and Merlin thought for two seconds if he wanted to go to sleep now or if he could hold on for a while, but he did want to talk with Gwaine, so why not? So in they went.

The pub felt warm to Merlin who only had good associations for it and when Gwaine disappeared for awhile only to bring two large beers for them, Merlin felt he loved this place. They didn't talk about the interview nor about the court and Merlin was thankful of that. After couple of sips Merlin asked something he had wondered before. Why Gwaine didn't want to be a police.

Gwaine scratched his head maybe thinking what was the situation now. "I thought my old man only wanted me to follow his footsteps and I rebelled against that. Now, I don't know, I have my shop and I'm happy." Merlin trusted Gwaine on this, but somehow he felt that there was more to it. Something that Gwaine didn't know even himself at the moment and Merlin hoped they could talk about this again. Unknown to him, Gwaine was feeling the same.

"By the way, don't tell Percy, he will skin me alive if he finds out." Gwaine said pointing at the beer and changing the subject. Merlin smiled at Gwaine and took a sip from his beer. He had grown to like the taste and the tab cold beer… it was just a different species compared to the beer Merlin had drunk in his closet, warm and from a can. "What's it with you and Percy anyway?" Merlin asked. He felt that he could now.

"Ah, We met in the police academy and we immediately hated each others." Merlin looked at Gwaine, who had already drank half of his beer, in wonder. "We were kind of the opposites in everything, but in one assignment we found out that we had a very similar sense of humour and soon we were roommates and soon after I couldn't think of anyone else being my best friend. He is my best friend to this day." Merlin listened keeping his eyes on Gwaine. He wasn't sure what he had been expecting but somehow he wasn't satisfied with Gwaine's explanation.

"Why you have his number in the first speed dial?" He asked Gwaine glanced at him amused "Because I call him most often. For anyone else I would answer vaguely to make them think that there was something more in between us, but there seriously is not. Sorry to tell you Merlin, but I'm straight and Percy is not interested in either way. He finds dating in all a messy business and it's a mystery to him why anyone would willingly get physical." Gwaine winked at Merlin who felt ashamed that he had pressed the subject. He had felt overly eager to find something he was in Gwaine and now he regretted saying anything. He should have known that, he had known Gwaine was straight so why had he even asked?

"I sometimes make fun of Percy because I know he can take it, but seriously speaking, we are just good friends." Gwaine took a sip from his beer. "Sorry…" Merlin mumbled. Gwaine laughed quite loudly surprising Merlin. "Nothing to be sorry about. As I said, usually I don't speak this seriously, there is just something about you, Merlin, I like."

Gwaine drank the rest of his beer with one long sip and motioned the bartender to get him another one. Merlin's shame evaporated and instead he felt happy. "I like you too…" He said a bit shyly but smiling. Gwaine laughed a little and clicked his new glass with Merlin's barely started one. "Don't let Arthur hear that." He said jokingly and winked at Merlin again who blushed a little.

"Hey! Weren't you supposed to drive me home?" He asked when Gwaine started his second beer. "We'll take a cab." Merlin looked at him not convinced "And weren't you supposed to go back to your shop?" He continued. "Yes…" Gwaine answered now a bit more unsure voice. "And drive to the station tomorrow?" Merlin continued trying to give Gwaine the same look Gaius used on him when he wanted to know the truth. "Damn it Merlin, when did you go all Percy on me?!" Merlin smirked at Gwaine's tone and Gwaine rolled his eyes "Oh, just perfect. Now I don't only have Percy as my mother, but you can be my nagging little sister or something…" Merlin was about to comment when he heard calm but deep voice from behind him "I have no son who takes minors to drink during their working hours." Merlin jumped at least half a meter up from this sudden sound. They both turned around to see Percy who apparently could walk surprisingly quietly for his size.

Gwaine looked a bit sheepish "I was just…". Percy looked stoic as ever and Merlin had no idea what he was thinking, but Gwaine seemed to understand just fine "He did a great job you know? I just wanted to… alright you win. What?! I already said you won, now sit down for a second." Percy sat down sighing not feeling like he had won at all. Merlin was still intimidated by his size and he was happy when Percy didn't sit next to him but opposite from Gwaine who asked in a whiny tone "And how did you find us anyway?" This time Percy answered out loud "I hate to inform you, but you are not even slightly unpredictable." Gwaine laughed at this loudly and even Merlin had to smile. He kind of started to see why these two were friends.

After Percy came in, Merlin didn't dare to drink his beer anymore and in the end Gwaine finished his half drunk beer. Merlin was also shy and it was up to Gwaine to hold some conversation flowing but he didn't seem to mind. It was interesting how even if Gwaine seemed to enjoy Percy's quietness and fill the caps with talking, he didn't seem to just enjoy listening his own voice. It seemed more like they were actually having a conversation. Percy just didn't have to say that much for Gwaine to understand and he also found quite a good ways to translate 'Percy' to Merlin who would have found it hilarious if he wasn't so tense. When Gwaine had finished Merlin's beer, he was about to call a cab but Percy stopped him "I'm not going to let you to take Merlin to his mother while drunk. I'll drive."

It took just minutes to drop Gwaine to his shop, but from there on it wasn't so smooth. Gwaine had tried to give Percy direction, but he wasn't too sure how to drive from his shop to Merlin's house. "I would just walk across the park, the last time I drove there I think I drove half of the streets in this area…" He said. He would have come with them, but in front of his shop there were already four people waiting for Gwaine to show up.

It wasn't that bad, Merlin tried to tell himself. He was seated to the back seat that was not behind Percy's back. That was a must because Percy didn't fit in this small car very well. His head almost hit the ceiling and he had to adjust his seat as far as it moved but his legs still looked far from comfortable. Sitting behind him would have been unnecessary uncomfortable for anyone and Merlin wouldn't sit in the front seat if he could avoid that. But as neither of them spoke, Merlin started to feel that maybe he had offended Percy when he had not taken Gwaine's place in the front when Percy had asked him if he wanted to. He was uneasy yes, but he didn't want to offend Gwaine's best friend.

Still when Percy glanced at him, Merlin flinched and stilled. The car was turning to a suffocating and too small all of a sudden and the sense of being trapped was very much present. Percy noticed Merlin's distress, of course he did. He was also fairly sure of the reasons. He was quite used to that people felt intimidated by his size, especially in narrow spaces and Merlin was a victim of heavy abuse. Abuse that had often taken place in a car.

Lighting the mood was not one of his fortes, but he tried anyway "I want you to know that anything Gwaine has told you about me, is false." Merlin blinked at him and moved his gaze from Percy's very large hands to the back of his head and then to the rear view mirror. He could see Percy's eyes from that. "He told me that you are a good friend…" That said Merlin could actually see an expression in Percy's face (or in the part he could see of it). He looked honestly surprised. "He actually talked you seriously?" He asked and Merlin felt a bit irritated. Like Percy thought that he was too insignificant to be told the truth. Percy saw a frown in Merlin's face from the mirror and he tried to save the situation "It's not often that he's serious… I know he values you, but I guess you must really mean quite a lot to him."

Merlin thought of Percy's words. He found himself relaxing a bit. "He values you too…" Merlin said back and Percy actually laughed. "He better value all the hardship I have had because of him." Merlin smiled and noticed that he hadn't been scared for a while. He again focused on Percy's hands, they frightened him the most. Percy didn't miss that and he sighed. "I'm really not that scary you know… " Merlin blushed. He really hadn't meant to hurt Gwaine's friends feelings.

"I know… I just- I don't know…" He tried, but it felt like he had used so many words today that his brains couldn't tell him what word was supposed to come with the other anymore. Percy didn't mind, he had listened the whole interview and he was tired just from that. He didn't want to know how tired Merlin was. "It's alright. You have been very brave today and I know cars mustn't be the most comforting environment for you… " He had just tried to comfort Merlin, but Merlin's face fell.

"You know about… that?" He asked and Percy could see he had paled. "Yes… I'm in the team after all and I was listening to your interview." Percy was sure there were at least hundred things he could have said that would have been more comforting, but the honest reply was the only one he could come up with right now. "Of course you are… " Merlin shook his head like he was thinking he had been stupid and then rubbed his eyes. He really did look exhausted.

Percy was just about to tell him to get some rest when they would get home (if they would get home, Percy had once again driven to a one way street that didn't allow them to turn where he had wanted to turn) when Merlin surprised him by continuing "You have seen the photos too." It wasn't that much of a question, but the tone Merlin referred to the photos made Percy remember how much Merlin loathed those. To him, the photos had been the best evidence and a way to nail Uther Pendragon, but now he was forced to remember how personal they actually were. It didn't matter how those who had seen them, were all professionals who didn't care about who was in the pictures (save Gwaine), just what was in the pictures. To him the pictures were an object, but to Merlin… he had momentarily forgotten what they were for Merlin. 'I guess this is one of the reasons Gwaine is such a good officer, he never forgets…' Percy thought while trying to think what to say to Merlin.

"Yes… we in the team, the chief, Freya, both lawyers and the judge who will sit in the court have seen them. Finna and Tilly know they exist and what is in them in general." He tried sticking with facts, he himself had always felt a bit better if he knew what was happening around him. When Percy had to slow to a traffic light, he turned his head slowly to see Merlin just in time to see him wipe some tears from his eyes with the back of his hand. Percy knew better than try to reach for Merlin to comfort him like Gwaine did all the time, so he just took out a packet of napkins from his pocket and handed them towards Merlin over his shoulder, careful not to move his hand further than he had to, but even if the movement wasn't fast and Percy didn't reach any closer to Merlin than it was possible for him to in this sardine tin they called a car, Merlin still flinched visibly and made himself smaller against the window on his side. Percy kept his hand still while driving on and soon Merlin returned to his original position and took the napkins from Percy's hand, careful not to touch it.

"Sorry…" Merlin said quietly. He was embarrassed of his reaction but Percy didn't mind and he told as much to Merlin "It's alright. I understand that I'm not the most comforting person to be stuck in this type of car… Although in my profession that's mostly somewhat useful quality." Merlin made an attempt to smile a little and he did feel better. He decided that when Percy was talking he wasn't that scary.

Soon they drove to a road Merlin knew and he was able to give some instructions to Percy who smiled at him gratefully. He asked if Merlin could drive and Merlin managed to tell him no, but how he had taught to Arthur had given him some insight. It was nice, but Merlin had this anxious feeling and a need to know more. He had liked it very much when Percy had given him straight answers, so he started to ask some details of what would happen in the court. Percy was very willing to answer to those questions and soon he was sure that details did indeed calm Merlin down, so he told him very openly whatever he asked until they reached Merlin's home. Merlin even asked if he could come to the court and when Percy answered that he could, he felt some of his anxiousness ease even if he knew he would in no way come and he told Percy as much. He also learned that the photos they would use were going to be censored in a way that Merlin's face wouldn't show and that for some reason felt very important to Merlin.

Arthur flung the front door open the moment Percy drew to the street. Merlin rolled his eyes at that but was secretly happy. Arthur had been waiting for him. Percy on the other hand was happy to stand up for a moment. Arthur came to greet him like they had known for ages instead of just meeting briefly last week. while Merlin slowly exited the car Hunith also came out. She asked where Gwaine was and Percy made up some very official sounding excuse Merlin knew false. The tiredness was again catching up on him and when his mother came to hug him, Merlin told them all that he was a bit tired and excused himself to go to shower and to sleep early. Hunith asked him if he had eaten anything after lunch and Merlin remembered that he hadn't, just the cocoa and the beer and he mumbled that he hadn't while trying to breath to any direction but to his mother's face. Hunith asked if he could stay awake until he had eaten something, but Merlin really wanted to sleep even if just a little while and he asked if he could take one hour nap and eat then. Hunith told him he could. She wasn't overly excited to let her son to sleep just before night for she didn't want to let him ruin the routine she had tried to entablish, but Merlin did look like he would kneel over and fall asleep on their front yard if he didn't go now.

Merlin told Percy good night and extended his hand towards him. Percy took it and shook it briefly. He knew what that gesture meant for Merlin and he smiled at him a bit fondly, maybe even a bit proud? This Merlin kid, he was very easy to like wasn't he?

Arthur came upstairs after he had chatted a bit with Percy who had told him to take care of Merlin. He liked Percy and how he had kind of trusted Merlin to him, made him feel proud and calm. Merlin had just finished brushing his teeth to get rid of the beer in his breath. He had changed to pyjama already and his hair was dripping water from an extremely quick shower.

"You will get a pneumonia if you sleep like that…" Arthur said and took a towel to dry Merlin's hair a bit. He was happy when Merlin didn't protest, just let him ruffle his hair with a towel. "I would have dried it if you had given me one more minute…" he grumbled nor the less. Arthur just smiled at him. It was so nice when Merlin was normal like this, not flinchy or trying to apologise for it, but he was tired, Arthur would have seen it even without Merlin letting himself lean on Arthur's shoulder while Arthur dried from behind Merlin's ears.

"How was it?" He asked gently. Merlin just shrugged his shoulders, his forehead still on Arthur's shoulder. "I'm alright." He said and Arthur left it at that. Merlin had closed his eyes and Arthur was quite sure he didn't want Merlin to fall asleep while standing. He guided Merlin to their bed and offered to tuck him in. "I'm not a child you know?" He mumbled his eyes already closed but he was still happy to be spoiled like this. Arthur gave him a kiss to his forehead before returning downstairs and Merlin slept immediately. He was tired to the bone and with the last of last night's and today's stress left his body, he fell into the bliss of a dreamless sleep.

* * *

It took everything Hunith and Arthur got to wake Merlin up to eat after hour and a half he had fallen asleep and get him downstairs. If Hunith had been worried Merlin would ruin his night's sleep, she wasn't anymore. Actually she wasn't sure if he would wake up tomorrow at all even if he went to sleep right after eating.

Hunith didn't want to frighten her son so she tried to wake him up first gently calling him, then a bit louder and setting his alarm to ring. Finally Arthur came up to see what was taking so long and he wasn't so patient (he was hungry and also tired). Hunith could just watch when Arthur just walked next to Merlin and shook him while practically yelling "Merlin! You lazy idiot, wake up! You promised you would come to eat…" Merlin mumbled something incoherent and curled deeper inside his blanket. "No mumbling! Up!" Merlin sat up looking still asleep. Hunith took it from there and made him move to downstairs. She gave up on the idea of making Merlin change clothes though.

After he had eaten, Merlin went back to sleep. Arthur helped Hunith to tidy up while grumbling something about how Merlin would do it tomorrow. After few minutes Hunith had to ask Arthur "How did you know how to wake Merlin up? I didn't dare to be too loud…or touch him." Arthur thought for a moment. "I have had to wake him up so many times that I know that is the only way to wake him when he is sleeping like that. I guess he's used to it…" Hunith nodded deep in thought.

"But I wouldn't take his blanket off… I think that would frighten him… And if he looks scared it's best to step away, it helps him remember where he is I guess…" Arthur continued. He hadn't thought about this too much but it made sense now that he was. Even if he hadn't known it at the times but Arthur had witnessed Merlin wake up many times after nights he had been up and seen him get frightened thinking the one waking him up was Uther… Arthur remembered all the times when Merlin had looked at him afraid and how he had seemed to normalise when Arthur had stepped back or when Merlin had slept like a dead not waking to his alarm. Like just now, he must have been emotionally drained and slept poorly at night because of Arthur's father. It made Arthur sad to notice all these things now. Why had he been so thick… Yeah Merlin had done a good job at hiding his problems, but there had been many times that Arthur had seen glimpses of the fear Merlin was hiding inside of him and other things that should have been noticed and Arthur found more and more of those things from his mind every day. It felt horrible.

"You know so much about Merlin… I'm glad that he has you." Hunith told him smiling only a bit sadly. Arthur blushed a bit. 'No…I'm the one happy having him.' He thought but said nothing, just nodded. Hunith smiled and told him he could go now, she could take care of the rest. Arthur thanked her and told he would go upstairs to get his jogging clothes. That would help him sleep earlier and keep him occupied just for a while.

Merlin was sleeping soundly on their bed and Arthur smiled at the way Merlin was sleeping on his side, in his cocoon, facing the centre of the bed like he was waiting Arthur to join him. He looked so calm and cute this way. Arthur stroked his hair softly for a while before sighing and going to change in their closet. He didn't want to go anymore, he just wanted to curl up besides Merlin, but it was better if he went. He would come back and he could cuddle Merlin then. If he had luck Merlin might even wake up briefly to give him a good night kiss…

With the energy Arthur got from that thought, he changed and exited the house quickly and started to run. He had already found a nice routine for his jogging and he had also located the nearest football field from the park. It wasn't big but good enough to take Merlin there someday to play a little. As he ran, Arthur's mind wandered back to Merlin and to the court. His father would be there… He was sure Merlin had already decided that he wouldn't go and he hadn't asked about it from Arthur, so Arthur was quite sure Merlin was sure he wasn't going either. But Arthur started to feel that he had to. He had to see Uther and see this end. If he didn't face it head on, he felt that he couldn't get closure to this and he would wonder for a long time what had happened. Hearing from someone else wouldn't be enough.

As he ran on, he started to feel that even being present wouldn't be enough for him. He had already told everything he knew to the police, but to him, it felt like he had done the easy option. He had mentally prepared himself to stand in the court already and getting a free ticket out hadn't given him much comfort. He had been ready to tell his father's face what he thought about him, on who's side he was. He had already closed the door of his and his father's relationship, but he felt, that he had to do it so his father would know it too. That was the right thing to do and it would give him the peace of mind he desperately needed. To stand tall against his father, to show he had his own strength and to give everything he got for the relationship he had with Merlin now. Not for revenge or because he was angry, but to really let the truth to be known as he had it seen for he was sure that whatever evidence they had, no-one could know better than him how Merlin had looked like, screaming in the middle of the night or scrubbing his skin in overly warm shower to get rid of Uther's smell or waking up with fear in his eyes.

Arthur quickened his pace and turned sharply to the direction of Gwaine's shop. He would tell him now and Hunith when he got home.

Gwaine's shop was packed. He was trying to serve as many customers as he could at the same time and Arthur could see from his movements that Gwaine really knew his shop inside out and his customers too for he called most of them by name. He must showed a very odd expression because when Gwaine noticed him, he laughed. "Don't look so surprised Arthur, I am known to work on occasion!" He seemed to be in good spirits and full of energy. Arthur hadn't seem him this happy safe the first time they saw in this shop and he was fairly sure it was because of how Merlin's interview had gone. That realisation made some tension fall from his shoulders he hadn't realised he had still been carrying. So Merlin really was alright…

"I wouldn't if the only time I have seen you here wouldn't have been you lying on the floor." He shot back and stepped aside when some of the customers left. He now had a free path to the counter.

"I just came to tell you that I'll be there on saturday." He said when he had reached Gwaine. It took a moment for Gwaine to understand, but when he did, Arthur could tell they were on the same wavelength. He didn't have to explain his reasons nor would Gwaine ask him if he was sure. What Arthur couldn't see at the time was the respect towards him, that woke up in Gwaine just then and there. The kind of respect he felt very rarely. The kind that would not dim with time. He could look forward of seeing Arthur stand in the court now.

"I'll let the rest know tomorrow. You will have to be early, I'll call you for the details tomorrow." Gwaine just told him while giving someone a plastic bag and taking their money. Arthur nodded at him and turned to leave with a quick good bye. He had said what he wanted to say and he didn't want to be in the way nor get any extra attention from the customers. He took the shortest way home so he could talk with Hunith.

Hunith wasn't the most thrilled of Arthur's decision, but she could see that this was important to Arthur and he didn't seem emotional, but calm and very determined so Hunith could just tell him that it was his decision and that she was proud of him. She was worried, but it was her job while Arthur would do what he felt was right.

After shower and stretching, Arthur crawled next to Merlin who was still facing the centre. Soon Merlin moved in his sleep and rid himself of some of the blanket. Arthur was making the bed hot. Arthur smiled at that. He slipped his hand under Merlin pillow and the other to Merlin's shoulder blade. Merlin flinched a little and his eyes fluttered open. Arthur didn't move because Merlin didn't look like he had taken a fright, but he wasn't smiling anymore. "It's just me…" He said hoping to see Merlin relax again, but Merlin didn't look comfortable "I know… it's just, can you move your hand? It hurts a bit…"

Arthur moved his hand like it Merlin had burned it. He had completely forgotten the cut in Merlin's shoulder. "Sorry! I-" He said but Merlin just shook his head a bit and relaxed to Arthur's chest. "No, it's almost healed. You can put your hand on my waist if you want…" Merlin again sounded sleepy and his eyes closed again. Arthur breathed in relief and put his arm hesitantly on Merlin's waist. He was a bit nervous, but he liked the contact very much. He remembered Gaius' advice and decided to tell Merlin how he felt. "It's nice, being with you like this. I like it when you let me touch you…" Merlin opened his eyes a bit surprised and then blushed "Um, I like it too…" he said a bit hesitantly and Arthur kissed his nose. His heart danced with joy of hearing Merlin tell him that and he understood what Gaius had meant when he had said it's important to tell how he felt. It felt good and eased anxiousness.

In the morning Arthur woke up refreshed and ready for the new day. His arm was still under Merlin's pillow and it had no feeling in it but Arthur didn't mind. He hugged Merlin and woke him up with a kiss. Merlin blinked at him but didn't shy away and Arthur couldn't remember when he had felt so content with the world.

* * *

A/N ... that was a pain to write. I'm talking about Aredian. I have to rewrite quite a large portion of this story because I made some changes before and after and in the middle and... yeah. So, lots of writing new stuff for me, which is fun, but also time consuming. That's why this chapter _was supposed_ to be a bit shorter but in the end I couldn't cut it in the middle so I'm now writing this while eating stupidly late breakfast, I hope you don't mind too much.

By the way, I read a part of the last chapter from story preview and I noticed that there was this one sentence that made zero sense because there were few words missing. I was like 'huh? I'm sure I wrote those words there' and I checked from the original document and the words were there. Then I checked the Googledoc I had copy-pasted it and the words were there also, but not in my docmanager in ff... Anyone have any idea how there can be some random words from the middle be lost while copy-pasteing? Because I don't. I dodn't have time at the moment to proof read this all again right now, so if anyone notices that there is a part where it appears words are missing, please tell me and I'll check if I can find them from somewhere. Thank you!

...edit. I just got what had happened. I had missed a space after a dot and ff sensors everything it thinks is a link, so the words around the dot had wanished. I will correct that when I find that sentence again...

Then to this chapter. I dug from Wikipedia that Gwaine's (Gawaine's) name might be originated to Welsh word _Gwalchmei_ which might mean 'hawk of may' so I got the surname from that... I tried to search if it was an actual surname and I found some web pages that kind of told me that there are some with that name, but it's extremely rare, but how reliable is the internet? I don't know, but I used it anyway. It just sounded cool... _  
_

Again a huge thank you for those who reviewed, I can tell you that I was very tempted to just turn Netfix on and forget the whole writing many times, but then I saw a new review and I just had to keep writing a little bit longer. I'm quite tired at the moment for I'm stuck at work most of the time and you really lighten my day and because of you I have something to wait for me when I open my computer with my work's wifi after changing from one set of working clothes to another ones. Only few weeks and I can go to school to rest... Anyway, Hope to see you again!

Chibi . warlock :D Great that you liked that line, that is how I feel most of the time when I have to teach 13-16 years olds... In the show Gaius was a bit grumpy at the start so I thought it would fit him :) A trial process is never pleasant and I feel very bad for making Merlin go through with it and so does Gwaine and the others, but that is just the way it is. Even a child has the right and the obligation to speak for themselves. For good and bad, lets see how it all plays out in the end :)

PlayWithFire18 Oh my, what a compliment! Thank you so much :) Ans also thank you for the fav and follow, you made my day! I was on a break actually when I opened my computer just to check my email and those notifications really made me happy. I'm happy to be your highlight because you are mine too :)

mersan123 Hi! For me Gaius in the show felt like he was the solid moral ground for Merlin. He could always go to him and well, he lived with him, to remember that his magic was not wrong and that he was doing the right thing (the dragon wasn't very helpful with that...) and so I wanted to bring him in this story with similar purpose. Arthur and Merlin both have found him as someone wiser and reliable and they both can feel that if he says that they are not doing anything wrng, he means it. Hunith will like him, but I'm sure you understand better than me even how she felt when she got a text from Arthur that he is going to meet someone she had no idea who he was and then to hear from Merlin that this man was actually his friend and much, much older than them... She will want to meet him herself. And for Gaius... I once had these ex-students of mine who wanted to visit my home and I was like 'sure, next saturday alright?' and like half an hour later I realised that I would have to contact their parents. I was very nervous and I'm sure I underlined far too much that I was a teacher and still working in their ex-school and not really a suspicious character... Not best of my moments in life. Merlin sure has taken some serious steps towards that light, but as you said, the road is long and this whole legal process is not helping, but he has some very good support around him so lets continue towards that light :)

Angel Dove1 I feel your pain and share it. There is just so much in this world that needs to be made better. Near and far and sometimes I think that it's all too much. How can there be so many people even, those who have everything they need and more to survive and live happy and free life who still choose to hurt others and do things for just their own benefit when they know they are wrong? I will never understand really. But I'm now over of the times I only thought why these things were so horrible. I can't erase war or hunger or famine, but I'm trying to listen, care, help and raise awareness on the things near me. I hope that will be enough on my part and make the difference for at least someone. For those reasons too, I'm so very happy that there are people who like my story. So happy to jear your comments on Gaius' and Arthur's conversation, I really enjoyed writing it :) Writing this story is kind of very, extremely personal, every adwise and reaction I kind of have to think what kind of reactions and advises are out ther and then select those that I think suit the characters and in many cases, are good ones. So hearing that Gaius' advises were good, it also feels that I was able to give a good advise and is that a good feeling? Yes, yes it is. (and yes, I have seen Zootopia) Hunith is trying her hardest not to turn into that overbearing creature who sees monsters in every corner. In this kind of situation it's trully a risk, great that you noticed that posibility :) She will still want to see 'this Gaius' though... It makes me hapy every time you tell me how you have connected with the characters and this story, my favourite review maybe ever was when you told me how you told me how you

Skypeoplephoenix732 Thanks :) being teenager was the worst part of my life and frankly, whatever happened, the core of everything was always the stupid teenage problems looming behind every corner... The insecurity, the need to be a child and an adult at the same time, the way you are lonely in a crowd for the first time... I'll second Gaius, the best thing in getting older is that I don't have to be a teenager again. Finding the middle ground is lways like a pendulum. Too little, too much, again too little... but he will find it in time and he is also a teenager, talking about intimate things is always awkward as hell, so let's see how honest he can get in mids of all this other stuff going on... Hope you didnät feel too much like strangling one lawyer while you are preparing to your big concert, I hope it went well! (was it already, or is it still coming?) Hope to see you in the world of living sometime soon ;)

thejammysod Ah, holidays... I hope you have a good one :) I so understand the internet... I was late because of the same reason so no worries :) The conversation between Gaius and Arthur sure was needed and they all got to take steps forward in the last chapter, well, Aredian did try his best to sabotage that in Merlin's part, but well, there are too many people on Merlin side letting it show so very sarcastically good luck for that. Middle ground for the win! Pity it's just a hard thing to find, I could use some middle grounds in my life myself... But your wish will be granted, Arthur and many others will help Merlin to find that and Merlin will help Arthur to find his middle ground too :) Have a nice holiday and see you again!

Insanereviewer Ha! So you are going to be a teacher too! Good luck with that! For what agecorp are you going to teach? I mostly stayed with children from six to twelve. Interesting you don't read the chapter titles, I always read them first and think why the chapter was named that way, with books and tv-shows too, but I guess people vary with that too. Great that you imagined that Merlin getting annoyed whith Arthur being everywhere the way I intended, that maybe means I was able to write it after all :) If you could guess what happened in the last Harry Potter and not what is going to happen in my story... wow, I'm speachless. I feel like dancing a little :D But to be fair, this is realistic story and all the clues we have are Arthur's and Merlin's guesses. Merlin hasn't even seen Morgana and Arthur hasn't seen her in over five years either. If we had Uther's pov we could maybe have some knowledge of at least where and what she was doing, but no. As entablished before, no. Glad that you think it was a good choice too :) And I second your opinion on italics, I can adjust myself to your capital-lettered words now, but at first I was like 'why is she suddenly yelling?' (is it she? have no idea, just asumed. In finnish language we only have one word for she and he, but in english I have to pick, how starnge in thse kind of situations...). For Merlin to sit down and think his feeling through was really remarcable, and so soon too! It has only been a week since Uther was arested and all... I wouldn't be that optimistic with someone in real life, but I wanted to kind of make his healing ideal, to remind how much one has to work to get better. It's easyer to just saty depressed, but it takes real effort to get better. Also I took that trait from the show, Merlin was always very sure of himself what ever the society around him did and said. Even Arthur who was his sole life purpose... That needs so much from anyone. So I whatced few episodes and when ever someone said 'magic' I thought 'homosexual' and that was tha basis on Merlin's character in this story. Even after all this, he has this real inteligence and strenght to always stay true to himself. I wish more people had that. What can I say about Gwaine? I love him too! The lying on the floor bit was kind of something that wrote itself a long time ago, Gwaine is so very much relaxed character but he works (especialy now) very long days, so if he has no customers, why not have a pillow and lie down? Behind the counter ther are also some very convenient sheves for comics, snacks and court papers. Perfect. Oh I'm so happy that you liked that line! I think we all would benefit of hearing that from someone close to us at times... Arthur's and Merlin's relationship, as innocent we know it is, would bring some complications... At least Aredian would have an early Christmas with that... And Arthur couldn't be a witness then if it was known that they were involved, I think. I'm not totaly sure how that works with minors. Yep, Cretin did the all losing Arthur by himself, even without the abuse he would have never accepted Arthur dating a man and Arthur would have picked his own side in that scenario too (which would have been to stay with Merlin and make his own choises as we saw fave chapter ago). These two are good at being blunt with each others and I think that is what makes them such a good pair ;) Ah, so good to hear that you liked the conversation between Arthur and Gaius, I chose to let Arthur tell him for many reasons, one of them being that Arthur really needed to get out for a while and talk with someone else that Hunith or Merlin. As said in the chapter too, Arthur is used to listening orders and it's familiar and so very much relaxing for him to have someone he can listen to and ask for advise. Need not to say that Gaius is much better coise for that role than the Cretin (I'm so going to use that! Cretin, briliant!). That Hunith knows about Gaius is awesome, now she doesnät have to be the adult 24/7 for both of them and she can also have someone she can talk to (eventually, that wasnät a spoiler, right?) while not having to remain in the supporting role all the time. With all this going on Merlin had kind of forgotten that he hadn't mentioned Gaius, but yep, good thing that it was explained now. And really, being open and saying stuff like 'you are beautiful' easily is so important in any relationship, I think. It just makes both sure of where they are standing and especially in Merlin's case he will learn to see when Arthur looks at him with love and admiration and eventually he doesn't have to fear that Arthur sees him as something dirty. The rest of the world may be harder, but the rest of the world can wait a bit. I'll join you in wanting to strangle a certain lawyer, I feel unclean for writing that crap.

Kao Hi! Great to hear! Yeah, Gaius was able to help Arthur a lot, Hunith is doing fine, but she can't do everything alone and talking about wanting to be close to Merlin and sexuality and stuff with his boyfriend's mother... I'm happy I'll never have to do that. And you said it so well, about Arthur's situation and Gaius and Merlin and all, there might be some break downs coming, but you will just have to keep reading to find out ;) I quess that usually they would have wanted arthur anyway, but for the reasons you listed, Gwaine asked (pleaded) not to make Arthur do that now that they have enough evidence as it is. As you said, Uther wa a rolemodel, father, and adamant authority for Arthur. Again, very interesting to hear about Canadian laws, he some court cases can be labeled as 'secret' for some amount of years, for example ten years before anyone (other than authorities of course) can see the records. I'm sorry to say that the links don't show here in ff, if you can write them again with some spaces around dots or something, it would be interesting to read and dodn't worry, I would do the same if it was my field, links are actually very good becase then I dodn't have to do the search that would take hours and hours from me because I have no idea from where to search those kind of cases :) Ah, your answer to my question about if Arthur would have to see his father was very throughout. I loved it, thank you so much! Yes, Arthur will turn 18 before next summer and it is almost september... That is so nice to hear, that in real life children are heard like that. I hope you could enjoy abit of this chapter even if seriously I didn't have time to research for that as much aas I would have liked. If you have more links for me, I'll be happy to read them through :)

GuestChacha Nothing at all! So nice to hear you liked Gwaine, he is one of my favourites (in the show too). Also many thanks for your kind words :) I wouldn't worry so much about the amount of words, but it takes ma about two hours to go through 1000 words, so the longer the chapter is, the more chance there is that updating will be late... We are actually getting near of seeing Morgana, so hang on!

Guest You are so right, Merlin really need to open up and trust those near him and he has made a trememdous progres in that :) we will see Gaius again in... next chapter and we are actually quite near of seeing Morgana, I hope you enjoy that part when we get there!


	38. Chapter 38 - Waiting is

It was friday. Two days ago Arthur had made one of the biggest decisions of his life up till now and now he was waiting. Most of it didn't sound like much in his own mind, he was just going to stand in front of some people and tell what he had seen. His father would be there of course and he was the one person who would be the most important. The rest didn't matter much. Hunith of course mattered, but she already knew what he thought so it wasn't an issue here. Merlin mattered, but he wasn't going to be there. That much was clear.

Merlin was going to Gaius'. Hunith had called Gaius with the first open time slot she had gotten and it turned out she and Gaius got along very well. Hunith had also visited Gaius just yesterday and after that she had asked if Merlin would like to go there when they left. Gaius had suggested it and to Hunith it sounded more than a good idea. She had originally thought Merlin and Arthur would be alright at home and she had suggested on calling for example Gwen and Elyan over for some company, but now that Arthur wouldn't be there, Merlin had said that he would rather be alone and that had worried Hunith. She had understood from where Merlin was coming from though. Even if he had made the effort to call Gwen twice in the last few days, she could see how it was taxing and uncomfortable for her son. To her delight, after giving it a thought, Merlin had agreed to go to Gaius.

That had erased some of Arthur's anxiety. If he could trust that Merlin was safe, which he would be with Gaius, Arthur could concentrate on himself for now. He knew it would do good to Merlin to face the old man and the longer Merlin dragged it, the more he had time to think of what ifs that had no basis in any way. Facing Gaius would give him comfort and hopefully some sureness that he really did have people who didn't hate or judge him around. Arthur hoped that after the trial was over Merlin would also find some closure even if he wasn't going. Arthur could imagine what were Merlin's reasons and to be fair he would not want his father as much as to be able to see Merlin, but deep inside he was a bit hurt.

These two days Arthur had thought his life until now more than he had ever before. While Merlin had been almost hysterically active asking Hunith to give him some clothes to fold, potatoes to peel or socks to iron (yes, Arthur had seen Merlin ironing and the next thing he knew, there were piles of ironed socks in their closet), Arthur himself had mostly just sat still in various parts of the house and calmly thought mostly everything he could remember of his father. It was weird, being so calm of thinking moments that had been the world to him when he had been younger and now… every positive feeling he had associated with those memories were tainted. With most recent memories, he found himself easily grow angry, but before the anger could even truly form, it more often than not collapsed into desperation. When that happened, Arthur usually stood up and paced around until he found Merlin and then he would sit on the nearest furniture from Merlin and continue his thinking. He knew he couldn't get angry in the court, it would serve no-one and the least himself. He would have to stay calm in order of not slipping to vengeance and that was why he continued thinking.

It was only when Hunith came back from a supermarket and asked if Merlin was home already that Arthur realised that at some point of time, they had both left.

* * *

It was when Merlin had minced everything his mother had placed in front of him for tonight's stew, and he was seriously considering on mincing his own fingers next just to have something to do with the extra energy that was circling inside of him with no direction, that he decided to go out. He told his mother that he would take a walk. Hunith told him to take his phone with him and asked him to come home in an hour or so or call if he would be late. Merlin almost listened.

His nerves had been a wreck for these past two days. His perfectly nice morning had been ruined when Arthur had told him that he would attend the trial. Merlin had assumed Arthur would not go and so Arthur's declaration had taken him by surprise. Merlin didn't like surprises.

The court would be tomorrow. Arthur would have to be there at eleven o'clock, an hour before the trial would start and Hunith would go with him. Arthur would talk with Iseldir and then he would stand as a witness. He would sit through the hearing and he would see everything. All the evidence, all that Merlin had said, all those pictures and Uther…He would have to face his father in a trial. To Merlin that just seemed wrong and horrible in a way he had no words to describe. He himself couldn't go. He had tried his hardest to say that he would come too. To seem brave and to be there for Arthur, but most of all so he wouldn't have to see Arthur and his mother leave him behind. But his fear had been too much. Whenever Merlin had even thought of saying he would go aloud, his stomach had turned in a way that he knew if he opened his mouth, his lunch would come out instead of words. The fear that no longer had real direction had turned every form it got towards tomorrow.

So here he was. Running away physically when he couldn't mentally. It helped some, to get away from the people he cared the most. He didn't have to pretend to be anything when they weren't around and even if he had tried to occupy himself with chores, they had helped just for a while. Getting out was far better.

The park was nice. Merlin could tell he liked it even if he didn't feel it at the moment. He wondered if he would start feeling things like that again after the court or maybe in some distant future? He tried to remember for a while that there actually was future, but succeeding on stressing about school starting was not so much better either so he soon just tried to concentrate on walking again. He tried running a bit, but it felt silly. He strolled to the football field Arthur had found last week and briefly thought of calling Arthur to come out too, for all the discomfort he was feeling didn't distract him from worrying about Arthur, but he dismissed the thought. He knew Arthur was not in the mood and he didn't really feel like playing either. He thought of going to see Gwaine, but he knew the shop was still closed and wouldn't open in hours.

At some point he just picked a random direction and walked as straight as possible far enough to find some areas he had never visited before. It felt a bit liberating. His feet could take him away from home, away from school and if he just continued walking, even from this city. He wasn't trapped here and that thought made him able to turn around and to head back to the direction of his home. His home he choose to live in. His home that was actually the best of all homes.

* * *

He must have made a wrong turn at some point because when Merlin reached the park, he found a fence and some bushes in front of him. Looking around he saw the gate he had exited before about hundred meters to his right. The fence was not so high and Merlin felt lazy, so he just climbed over it and stumbled through the bushes. It wouldn't have been elegant in any way, but of course the hood of Merlin's college caught in some of the branches and when Merlin felt the tug from behind his neck, he spun around so fast that he almost fell when the branch didn't give and he crashed back into the bush.

"Oh my! Let me help you!" Merlin heard from behind him and he was just about to make his breathing work again and yell at the voice not to touch him when one slender hand freed his hood with one neat movement. Merlin spun around as fast as he could while holding himself up with some of the branches and automatically leaning further away from the touch.

He came to face a tall but slender woman in running clothes. She had sun kissed, slightly wavy blond hair on a ponytail and smiling blue eyes. She was looking a bit amused and Merlin became aware of the fact that he was leaning on a bush. It was a bit funny in a surreal way and even the fear inside Merlin opened its mouth, waited a second, shrugged and decided to just go and curl into some deeper part of Merlin's thoughts. "Umm… thanks." He managed to say and the woman, who looked a bit familiar now that Merlin was thinking more coherently.

"Oh it was nothing, Merlin isn't it? Hunith's son?" She said cheerfully and something clicked in Merlin's disoriented brain. Susan, this woman's name was Susan and she lived next door. "Mm, yes, Susan wasn't it?" He asked trying to be polite and edge out of the bush at the same time without getting too close to Susan. Even if she did seem nice, Merlin felt he needed at least twice the space he now had for himself.

"You remembered! I was just heading back home, will I have you for company?" Susan asked and while Merlin hadn't planned on returning home just yet, he nodded. He briefly wondered if he had been gone for an hour already, but he soon forgot the time when Susan started to talk to him. It turned out she was chatty and full of energy in a way Merlin felt he had needed around him. Now that he thought about it like that, everyone around him had been tired, sad, worried… anything but full of energy lately. Even Gwaine was tired underneath it all.

Susan asked if he had settled in and if he was waiting for the school to start, if he had any hobbies or if he had some plans for the future. Merlin had known his mother hadn't shared details of what had caused her divorce nor what had happened to Merlin and that was something Merlin was very, very grateful of. Talking with Susan felt light and welcome because of that. He could act like a normal teenager for once and it felt great.

When they reached the edge of the park, Merlin almost asked if Susan wanted to go for another walk with him right now instead of going home, but Susan made a comment on how she needed to feed her youngest daughter. She was supposed to come home from football practices in any minute. Merlin felt oddly disappointed at that and maybe Susan noticed this because she asked "Would you like to come in for a moment? I don't have much to offer but I could bake some muffins..." Merlin didn't even think before he had already replied that he would love to and offered to help with baking.

Susan's home was bigger than theirs, that Merlin could tell at once. He vaguely remembered that Susan had three daughters and a husband so it made sense. As nice as his and Arthur's room was, packing three girls in a room like that sounded a catastrophe in Merlin's opinion. The house also had an open kitchen and bigger garden which made sense for the house that was built for two families wasn't cut from the middle like Merlin had just assumed but more like one third and two thirds.

"Make yourself at home!" Susan told him cheerfully while she started to take some ingredients out and a bowl and a kettle and stuff like that. "I really can help…" Merlin offered again for he felt a bit rude to just sit around and doing nothing. Doing nothing didn't feel too appealing at the moment anyway. Susan kept smiling at him approvingly and told him what he could do in a very simple way, maybe even a tad too simple, but Merlin guessed it was because Susan's daughters were quite a lot younger than he was. What he remembered was that at some point of time they had been four, six and nine.

Baking was nice. Merlin had baked with his mother a long time ago and whisking eggs took him back to much simpler times. Much like what he had tried to do at home, but with Susan's easy presence on the other side of the kitchen counter and a radio as a background noise, the restless energy inside of Merlin started to settle down.

The recipe was very easy and together they managed to get the muffins to oven just when the doorbell rang. When Susan went to open the door, one about six years old girl with her mother's hair and big brown eyes ran inside wearing grassy and muddy football gear while waving to someone. "Thanks again Aileen! Until next week!" Susan yelled cheerfully to someone and Merlin could hear a car start so he deducted that someone had given this… muddy ball of free energy a lift.

"Are those muffins? Those are muffins aren't they? Who are you? Mom! How is this?" She was in front of the oven in seconds and when she turned to Merlin, he wasn't sure if he should try to run away from her or pat her head.

"Aida! Manners! And the shoes… please, the shoes!" Susan gave her a look and the electric bouncy ball, Aida? gave her a sheepish grin and took her shoes off. "My name is Aida, what is yours?" She then asked from Merlin not losing any of her hype, holding her shoes in her hands. "I'm Merlin..." Merlin said feeling a bit awkward. When was it again he had communicated with children this young? Back in the village maybe? Aida nodded at that approvingly and asked "Do you want a muffin Merlin?"

"Go change your clothes and after you have eaten a sandwich you can eat a muffin with Merlin." Susan said looking like she knew very well what Aida was after. "I'll eat ten sandwiches if I can have ten muffins!" Aida declared before running off to what Merlin guessed her room. Susan just shook her head looking a bit amused. "I hope you don't mind that, she loves everything new and after she has been out for two hours she always has this much energy, she will tire as soon as she stops to eat though."

"I don't mind…" Merlin managed to say even if he hoped that Aida wouldn't come out too soon. And just then his phone rang. It was his mother who wanted to know where Merlin was. "I'm at Susan's, we met in the park…" he told her while glancing a clock. He should have called more than half an hour ago he just then remembered and cursed his inability to focus at the moment. Hunith asked if she could talk with Susan and Merlin dropped the phone to her hand while trying to understand how he had managed to forget to call, he had even remembered the time limit earlier, in the park…

What Merlin bothered to listen of the one-sided conversation was basically that it was no trouble at all that Merlin was there and that she would sent Merlin home for dinner at the latest.

While she was still on the phone, Aida had reappeared and was currently climbing to sit to a high chair next to the counter. Merlin felt a need to help, but he didn't dare to touch a child and suddenly he felt himself as dirty as even. It almost felt like he had also poisoned the muffins with touching the ingredients and he wasn't sure if he could let anyone eat them.

"I like ponies, do you like ponies Merlin?" Aida asked as if it was the most important thing to establish here. "Umm, I used to live in countryside and one of my classmates had a pony. I think he was nice. He liked dry bread a lot." Merlin answered not sure if that was good enough, but Aida's eyes lit "Wow! A real pony! What colour was he?"

"Brown…" It felt unnerving to be asked this much question, but Merlin tried to concentrate on the fact that the questions were about a pony who he had seen over two years ago and asked by a child who had now edged as close to Merlin as she could while still sitting on her chair. Merlin edged a bit further away from her.

"Did you ever ride it?" was the next question. "No… I was already too heavy for him." Aida looked like this was totally new information to her, but soon she sighed dreamily "I want to ride a pony…"

Merlin almost wished he had a pony in his backyard so he could offer a ride for this girl who was as chatty as her mother. "I'm sure you will someday." He said, but it seemed Aida's sense of future didn't reach to 'someday' so she changed the subject "Guess what is my favourite colour?"

"Umm, pink?" Merlin tried. He found a very distant memory of the times a favourite colour had been a thing. Did he have a favourite colour now? He hadn't thought anything like that in a long time, but now that he was, he remembered that he liked colours. "No! Everyone guesses pink! My favourite colour is green!" Aida sounded like she was trying to sound insulted but failing horribly and looking a bit proud of herself instead. Merlin had to chuckle at that. "Mine too." he said without thinking feeling that it was true. He did like green. "…and purple and blue too." He still continued for he couldn't say either of those were better.

Aida nodded at him approvingly and very seriously. "My favourite number three is purple, but I don't like blue." she continued on the subject and Merlin started to relax. "Why not? Your mother has blue eyes… and the sky is very pretty when it's blue." he teased and Aida seemed to think. "Alright, but if it's your favourite colour, it doesn't have to be mine." she finally decided. Merlin had to laugh at this logic.

"Alright Aida, time to eat, the muffins are almost ready, do you want some juice Merlin?" Susan said placing a sandwich in front of Aida and Merlin realised his phone was next to his arm on the counter. Susan must have ended the call awhile ago. He really couldn't concentrate but one thing at a time…

"I want juice!" Aida piped in before Merlin decided if it was rude to say yes or more rude to say no. Susan again gave Aida a look and Aida looked a bit shy before saying "…please?" Susan smiled at her a bit with humour "it's already in front of you." and Aida turned to see to her left and took a glass full of orange juice "Oops" she grinned before taking a mighty gulp. "If it's no trouble…" Merlin answered because Susan was still holding a carton of orange juice in her hand. "Of course not, dear! Would you like to take few muffins with you?" She said and soon Merlin was sipping his juice and thinking if he should offer to help Susan who was taking the muffins out, packing them into a container and pacing two of them in plates and in front of him and Aida. Doing nothing made Merlin very restless very quickly at the moment and even if the muffin tasted good, it felt somehow too much. Like he didn't deserve it.

When Aida had eaten she did indeed grow tired, but that didn't prevent her from shoving Merlin all her ponies. Merlin tried to stay as far as possible from the girl while still sitting with her on the floor, but it was extremely hard, for Aida seemed like she would have sat on his lap if Merlin hadn't kept hugging his knees to prevent just that. He kept glancing at Susan for he felt like he was betraying her trust. What if she wouldn't want him near her child if she knew what he was? It was a depressing thought.

"We don't have to play with ponies if you don't want to…" Aida told him at some point and Merlin realised he had looked like he felt. Children really were capable of noticing things like that… "No, it's alright, but I'm not just too good at playing with ponies…" he tried not to hurt this little girl's feelings. "What do you want to do then? Can you play football?" She asked. "A little, but Arthur is far better than I am." He answered without thinking and kicked himself mentally immediately. "Arthur? Who's Arthur?"Aida asked and Merlin felt cold sweat run down his back. What could he answer to that?

"Arthur lives in our neighbour, with Merlin and Hunith. You remember that Merlin is Hunith's son right?" Susan came to the rescue and Aida looked at Merlin with new eyes. "You are Hunith's son? I like Hunith!" Aida was immediately distracted. They spend a while with Aida telling what she had done with Hunith when she had babysat her and Merlin told if he had done the same things when he had been at Aida's age. It was… nice.

In the middle of Aida shoving Merlin some of the pictures she had drawn with Hunith and some others as well, the doorbell rang again and when Susan went to answer, it was Arthur telling that he had come to get Merlin because the food was ready. Aida was at the door in a flash of blond hair. "You are Arthur? You can play football?" she asked and Merlin could just laugh. Arthur looked like an owl and it took comically long for him to answer "…yes."

After that Aida was all questions and in the midst of that Susan returned to the kitchen and handed Merlin a container full of muffins. It seemed far too many for Merlin who felt that he had just whisked some eggs, but Susan was having none of it.

"You kept my child company and she really enjoyed spending time with you, so this is just a small thank you for that. Come by whenever you like." Susan told him and Merlin had to smile at her. This really had been nice, but one glance at Arthur and he was happy to go home to eat. It had been quite taxing to pay his full attention to a child like Aida. "And give some of the muffins to Arthur, my husband is crazy of them." Susan continued and smiled warmly causing Merlin to blush. He was sure Susan hadn't meant it how it had sounded and he just coughed awkwardly and thanked her again hoping he hadn't sounded awkward or ungrateful.

Arthur was just telling Aida how he was the captain of his team while Aida looked like she had met a God when Merlin walked past Arthur and placed a muffin on his hand. "A muffin?" Arthur asked confused. "Yes, a muffin." Merlin just answered. "A muffin Merlin, a muffin!" Arthur felt too confused to give up and Merlin rolled his eyes "I think we got that established… See you Aida!" He turned to say the rest to Aida and he waved at her smiling. He expected Aida just to wave back, but instead she run past Arthur and leaped to hug his waist. "I like you Merlin, come visit soon!" She told him and before Susan had a chance to say anything about her not having shoes on, she leaped back inside and waved from the doorway.

Merlin felt stiff like a board but he managed to flash the girl a smile and wave at Susan too before taking those few steps he needed to get home before he started to shake. Arthur was right behind him still holding the muffin in his hand. "You alright?" He asked when the door had closed behind them and Merlin nodded. He was, it was just that he didn't want to corrupt any child, much less Aida and in a momentary weakness he said it out loud.

Arthur was at loss at what to say to that, some of the first things he had made clear to himself when he had realised he liked Merlin had been that he was not dangerous to children nor would he 'corrupt' them even if he had heard his father say stuff like that many times. To his luck Hunith had heard that too and she was soon next to Merlin who was now leaning to the doorframe and had covered his face with the hand that wasn't holding a container of muffins.

"Merlin, love, you are not corrupting anyone. There is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing wrong with being homosexual." She said firmly with a kind tone and gently removed Merlin's hand from his face. Merlin flinched at the word 'homosexual', he still wasn't used to it being used like this and his mother's words didn't help him. "But she doesn't know I'm… I just- I didn't try to…" he didn't want to cry, but it just happened too easily nowadays.

"Merlin, look at me." Hunith said and Merlin tried to calm his breathing down. "Aida is a six years old child. She doesn't care either way and what comes to Susan, she knows that Arthur lives here with you, as your boyfriend." This took even Arthur by surprise. Merlin's tears stopped immediately and he blinked the last of them from his eyes in utter shock. "You told her that-" He started and Hunith placed her hands on his and on Arthur's shoulders. "Of course. We are now neighbours and she is my friend. I couldn't possibly tell her that Arthur is your brother now could I?"

Merlin had to admit that it made sense. He was glad that he was still leaning on the doorframe for he needed the support. What Susan had said now made a lot more sense and it clicked in Merlin's brain how nice and kind and normal Susan had been even if she knew… and she had let him play with her child and invited him to visit again… It felt first surreal and then just very, very good.

Merlin glanced at Arthur and he was trying very hard not to look as surprised as Merlin, but he couldn't hide how pleased he was and Merlin understood. They were openly a couple in this neighbourhood and even if they only knew Susan, Gaius and Gwaine really, it was official and not something to be hidden inside these walls even if Merlin wasn't ready to be intimate even outside of their room yet. "Can I go some other day too?" Merlin asked shyly and Hunith knew she had done the right thing by telling her friend. "Of course, just remember to call me next time." She said with a smile.

Most of their dinner Merlin kept smiling a small smile just to himself and Arthur managed to stay in the present. As Susan had predicted, Arthur liked the muffins very much and Merlin found his chance to comment on how Arthur would get fat at this rate when Arthur reached for the fourth one. For that Arthur took one more and insisted on feeding half of it to Merlin who protested loudly until Arthur sat on his lap and threatened not to let Merlin go until he had eaten the half. Hunith tried her hardest not to laugh at the scene too much. She was sure it wasn't that funny, but she was quite disoriented herself and she was not above a little bit of hysteria. When the night would come, she knew she would cry herself to sleep just for the stress she had been hiding from her boys.

When the night started to grow dark however, Arthur grew silent again and Hunith arranged (again) the clothes she would wear tomorrow and she decided to iron them (again). Merlin looked at them both and this house and thought of how nice neighbours they had and all in all took a good look at his new life. He could honestly say that it was more than he deserved. He was scared and loathed the thought that it could change even the slightest tomorrow.

After pacing around the house for a while, Merlin found a similar corner to the one he had sat in Uther's house from their closet. First it felt weird sitting again in a closet, but soon he found comfort from the narrow (much more narrow than in his old closet) and dark space. If only he had some beer… Merlin made a quick decision. He rose up, took a jacket and told his mother that he would take a walk.

He found Gwaine just opening his shop. He was a bit late today and Merlin was happy to find the store empty even though Gwaine grumbled good naturedly how his business was dying. Merlin talked a little while with Gwaine about the trial and that immediately caught Gwaine's attention. "We have been working like crazy, I tell you. I'm actually going back today just in case. We have the evidence and speeches down to a dot and there is no way that Mr. Adder can do anything." Gwaine grinned and after that he told how the official complaint Aredian had made of him would also come back by tomorrow evening. He could hardly wait. "Technically I had been working for a bit over one week before I got my first official complaint. That must be some kind of a record!"

While listening Gwaine talk was nice as always, the anxiousness Merlin felt was greater and so he stuck with his first plan. "Can I have some beer?" Merlin asked when Gwaine had finished his story. Gwaine would have told some other stories he had been storing for Merlin, but now he looked at Merlin and saw his stress.

"No, not tonight." He finally answered. Merlin was taken aback by this. He felt a bit betrayed and angry. Gwaine had never said no before… "It's better if you just trust me and let me handle everything. I promise that once this is over and that Cretin is in jail, I'll have a party and then you can drink as much as you want. To celebrate." Gwaine continued with a serious, but weirdly gentle tone.

This made the anger Merlin had felt evaporate and soon he felt a bit embarrassed. Gwaine was right of course. It was not a good idea to try to drink his worry away. It would just create problems later. But to celebrate… that had a nice sound on it. Merlin was still afraid and the thought of Uther made him sick in the stomach, but he finally set his sights to tomorrow evening. He could handle that. He could trust Gwaine.

* * *

That night Merlin didn't sleep much. He was too nervous for that and even Arthur's presence started to feel suffocating at some point. Still he stayed put, lying beside Arthur, on his side and concentrating on breathing steadily. It was nearly two o'clock in the morning when Merlin rose up and he felt his stomach turn.

'Not here…' he thought and moved as quickly and fast to the bathroom downstairs as he could and threw up. He hoped he hadn't woken Arthur or his mother up while he waited for the second wave of nausea, but it never really came. 'At least only once' he thought. It was rare, but then again, it was not like something had happened, not even in a dream.

Merlin rinsed his mouth and was about to head back upstairs when he saw Arthur in the kitchen doorway, holding two glasses of juice in his hands. 'Of course…' Merlin thought sarcastically. In a very bizarre way he missed the ridiculous soundproof of Uther's house, but he still moved to take a glass from Arthur's hand. He expected Arthur to say something but when he just nodded and moved back to the kitchen, Merlin was thankful for that.

Merlin followed Arthur who was sipping juice from his glass and sat on the opposite side from him. They were silent for a long time. Merlin had trouble drinking the juice. It felt foreign in his empty stomach and it was too cold, but he kept drinking in small sips. Arthur had finished his juice a long time ago but he still sat with Merlin quietly. Merlin appreciated this. He really wasn't in a mood to talk, but he didn't want to be alone either.

After a while Merlin started to feel cold. His pyjama wasn't the most warm against the night air. He shivered slightly with his next sip of cold juice. He glanced at Arthur who was staring out of the window. He had no shirt on and Merlin wondered how he could stay so warm. 'If I asked, would he hug me to make me feel warmer?' He thought, but he didn't dare.

"Have I been an utter fool?" Arthur broke the silence and Merlin almost swallowed his whole glass. "I mean I could have just stayed here with you and the trial would have been over without me. What if I make things worse by saying something stupid or what if I can't do it at all?" he continued, but kept his eyes on the window not really seeing anything.

Merlin placed his glass on the table and took his time to look at Arthur. would this be his chance to tell Arthur not to go? To go with him to visit Gaius? No… Arthur had the right to see whatever happened there and he had the right to decided after that if Merlin was worth his time at all, but above that all, Merlin had seen how serious Arthur had been with his decision. How much he had given thought to it and he knew, that Arthur was doing the right thing. Many would not be able to know what was the right thing yet alone to follow it through, but Arthur would do just that without hesitation. Or at least not more than what he now showed to Merlin.

It felt like a huge responsibility had fallen on him, but at the same time Merlin felt privileged and important. He had just one thing he could say. "You made the right choice." His voice was quiet, but in the empty kitchen it sounded clear and sure.

Arthur finally turned to look at him in the eyes and his eyes were full of doubt and worry, his forehead wrinkled in a way that made Merlin want to soothe every line of worry down with his thumbs. He wished so much that he could be someone reliable, someone Arthur could lean on when he felt like this, for he shouldered so much responsibility all the time. That was his nature after all.

"How can you be so sure?" Arthur asked not sounding convinced at all, but Merlin was. "Because I know you." For once he felt sure and not anything could pierce that thought. Momentarily he was not afraid, not anxious, not thinking of tomorrow. All that mattered were the feelings he could see circling around in Arthur's eyes.

"Then why have you been fretting these two days?" Arthur asked and Merlin could see the hurt in Arthur's eyes and hear slight accusation in his tone. He sighed not letting their eye contact break. There were so many things and so many feelings he let open on display in his eyes and hoped Arthur would understand. "Because even right choices have consequences and I'm not ready for them." He said honestly.

Arthur kept looking at his eyes and he understood. The hurt he had been feeling was replaced by the knowledge that Merlin had never doubt him, but himself. It was such a sad knowledge, but now Arthur felt strong again. He would protect Merlin, now he felt he could do it. He would be there and whatever Merlin was afraid of would happen, Arthur would show him that there was nothing to be afraid of.

"Thank you, Merlin." He said softly and Merlin could see that he had found an answer. What it was, that Merlin would have to wait to find out, but it didn't matter. Arthur had found his ground again and that was when he could shine. Nothing could make him waver now and Merlin felt proud of the boy, no, the man he loved.

He gave Arthur half a smile and drank the rest of his juice. The cold liquid travelling down his throat reminded him of the coldness that had long time ago reached his bones and he felt anxious tiredness that wouldn't let him sleep take over.

He stood up and Arthur did the same. He took both of their glasses and took them to the sink and then took a light hold of Merlin's hand and started to lead him back upstairs. Arthur's hand was warm against Merlin's ice cold fingers. It felt real and just so Arthur. Merlin was again reminded of how he used to imagine a golden light inside of him and it felt like Arthur's warmth was just that. The life he had lacked back in Uther's house.

In their room, Arthur guided Merlin to their bed gently by the hand he was holding and pulled his blanket on top of Merlin. The blanket should have made Merlin feel warmer, but somehow he just felt like all of his coldness was now trapped inside his blanket. When Arthur lied next to him, he finally found his voice.

"I'm cold…" His voice was quiet and he wasn't sure if Arthur would want his cold limbs anywhere near him, but Arthur opened his blanket and moved it to cover Merlin too. Merlin was now under double blanket and Arthur was laying right next to him, but there was still a blanket in between them and Merlin wanted more of the heat that radiated from Arthur. He squirmed a bit to get his upper body out of his own blanket to be in the same space with Arthur's hoping he wouldn't get annoyed.

Arthur followed Merlin's movements closely and when he was sure that Merlin wasn't trying to get away from him but closer, he wrapped his arm around Merlin's shoulders.

"Jesus! You are freezing!" He blurted out the moment he felt Merlin's fingers against his bare chest. Merlin made a move like he wanted to get back and Arthur realised that Merlin had thought that he didn't want to feel his cold limbs. "Turn around…" He told Merlin softly and Merlin hesitantly did so. It felt a bit unnerving having Arthur so close behind his back but the blanket covering him from waist down made it tolerable.

Arthur rose Merlin's head enough to slip his arm under his pillow and then he pulled Merlin against his chest. Even Merlin's back was cold and Arthur felt him relax to the warmth immediately. Arthur followed the line of Merlin's arm to find his hands and he found them pulled against Merlin's chest. Arthur took a hold of Merlin's hand and slid his fingers in between Merlin's. He wished he had realised Merlin was cold sooner.

Merlin felt good. This position was turning out to be very comfortable and Arthur was so gentle… He kind of wanted to try this without the blanket at all in between them, but he was a too conscious of his bottom and how it had been used. That thought made Merlin's mood get darker again, but he didn't say anything.

"You feel nice… your hair smells nice." Arthur murmured to Merlin's neck and Merlin felt a warm rush traveling from his neck to his spine. Arthur was the one who was nice… Merlin never wanted to let him go… of all the things he had, he felt he couldn't bare to lose this. He was again worried about tomorrow. It was almost morning and the room was getting a bit lighter. The sun was already rising.

"Whatever happens today out there, please don't think any differently of me." The words were out of Merlin's mouth before he had a chance to think them over. He wished so much that after today Arthur would still be with him.

Arthur, if he was surprised, it didn't sound in his voice. "I won't. It's alright to be scared." Merlin wasn't satisfied with his reply. "That's not what I meant." He said sounding a bit grumpy. "Then what is it?" When Merlin didn't reply Arthur became a bit frustrated. "If you have something to say, now is the time to say it." He was frustrated because he was worried. He didn't know what Merlin was after so all the worst case scenarios kept popping in his head with alarming pace.

"I just don't know what he is going to say…" Merlin mumbled and Arthur relaxed. He held Merlin tighter. "I promise you that whatever that man says about you, it doesn't matter. I'll believe you over him anytime." Merlin trembled a little and Arthur loosened his hug automatically but then he heard a small sniff. "Shh, love, it's alright." He said softly and tried to softly turn Merlin's head so he would look at him but Merlin just shook his head. He didn't believe him and Arthur realised he couldn't believe him. Merlin needed to see his face and hear his voice when he came back from the court. He had seen the world through Uther's eyes far too long and it was too much to try and see the world how he had wished so much it would be. It was Arthur's job to make him trust that what they had both wished could actually be theirs.

"Merlin… I'm not going there to see what they have dug out. I'm going there to stand on our side and to defend you and… myself. This, what we have here, is worth fighting for." He tried to explain gently feeling more and more what Merlin had said. He was finding himself truly calm now. He relaxed against now much warmer Merlin. The tiredness was catching up on him and sleeping for few hours didn't seem like a bad idea at all.

Merlin also relaxed and after a while, he felt Arthur's hands go limp and he knew Arthur was falling asleep. Merlin smiled a little and snuggled as close to Arthur's chest as possible. He couldn't sleep but he felt better and calm enough feeling Arthur's slow breathing against his back until Hunith came to knock their door softly. It was time to face the day without Arthur by his side.

* * *

A/N A bit lighter chapter in between :) I might have been slipping a bit but the next chapter has been a lot more work that I had originaly thought. I wish to get it out on monday, but if not, then on tuesday. After that I should be able to stick with every three days schedule and I hope to get this story finnished before my fisrt exams gang up to kill my free time ;)

Again, my most sincere thank you for you who wrote me reviews, I seriously get so much new ideas and new motivation from them! Also thank you for mersan123 for being my inspiration for Susan! She was great fun to write :)

P.s Sorry Guest, who reviewed the chapter before the last one, I might have told you that Gaius would be in this chapter, but I decided to cut the chapter here... He will be in the next one, promise!

Angel Dove1 Yes! I'm so hyped that you liked that joke! I have a sense of humour, yay! Why not brother? Indeed a good guestion. This is a really small detail that is not explained anywhere, but Merlin doesn't like to be called a girl. Gwaine knows this and used the word 'sister' to annoy him, but at this point Merlin actually can take it from Gwaine. Even with Arthur he gets annoyed if he says something like 'don't be such a girl Merlin'. That's about that. I might want to add that one somewhere... I'm bad with names. I have always been, so it makes me extra happy if I manage to name someone for once, thank you for that compliment :) And that you liked Percy, that is so nice! I really would have liked to see more of his character in the show, but maynly his character was based on the fact that he was big, strong and handsome. And maybe a bit silent. That was what I started with so and I have had such a good time developing his character. (I _did_ notice halfway through that in the show he was actually Lance's friend, but mm, oops?) I had totaly forgotten hat scene when Morgana was 'dying' but the mental image you gave me was spot on. I had imagined Arthur starting to pace around after waiting two hours and Hunith first trying to calm him down by distracting him and then joining the waiting... I can totaly see her sitting at the table looking out from their window and Arthur pacing around... It's hard for Hunith to admit, but at somethings Arthur truly knows her son better than she does. The next chapter will be quite emotioanl to say the least for the reasons you already guessed. Gaius' advise is the best thing I have in my relationship at the moment, so I hope it will continue to work in every situation :) And I just love to write Arthur open about his feeling even if it needs some effort at the moment, lets see if it will form to be a habbit with Merlin at least ;)

mersan123 Thank you :) I can't say I had fun writing Aredian's character, but I had a lot to start from and I'm happy that I was able to make him the liar- I mean lawyer worth Uther. I'm sos sorry I made Merlin go through that, but he really did well, didn't he? :) I reall y enjoy writing Percy like that. He didn't have that much developement in the show, so it's great fun developing his character this way, I'm glad the scene in the car was interesting. Arthur will be alright as you said, but that will have to wait till the next chapter :) I have to ask, how did you like Susan? She ended to have quite a long scene and we will see her again ;)

Skypeoplephoenix732 Oh, thank you! Such a compliment! :) Ah, it was so interesting to read how you thought about Aredian, it wasn't an easy part to write... This kind of trials are not easy matters and I'm not even trying to pretend I have some actual knowledge of how they work, but this case should be quite clear. Gwaine can still get himself into a lot of trouble, but Merlin should be quite safe. Even if everything that can go wrong would go wrong, I'm pretty sure Hunith wouldn't ket Uther anyway near her son anymore and that is what Merlin needs. So, we are nearing the happy ending! yay! Great to hear that your concert went well, I hope you are not working too hard! So nice to hear that you liked the Percy and Merlin moment, I'm trying to picture a deddy bear with a chocolate centre, but it sounds a bit... I mean it's chocolate! And now I have a mental picture of a deddybear I want to consume so Umm, thanks... We will see Arthur in the court in next chapter, can't wait!

Insanereviewer Second grade was always my favourite! I have so many handycrafts, art, music, math, language (finnish) ideas and ready planned classes... I almost miss it all. Almost. A premission to dance received! I have this family friend who once said that he has had so bizarre life that he would write a book about it, but no-one would believe the stuff that has happened to him, so he won't. He's a funny old man. As you might have noticed, I borrowed your term 'Cretin' for this chapter. I had to. I was writing Gwaine's lines and well, you made it stick. :D Yeah, it's not the first thing someone asumes that 'hey, the step brother of the victim in protective, they must be dating!' so it will not be an issue if Arthur doesn't mention it. We shall see... ;) Now to Aredian: I second on everything you said (and didn't, I don't believe in using searwords either, as you might have noticed... ). I had really some hard time trying to make up something the Rat could use and some stuff I added afterwards so there would be _something_ he could use _..._ How their weekly meetings looked like, well, you are right, there is no sound and Gwaine's security camera footage is only saved for two months and the older ones gets deleted automatically. He has one camera at the entrance pointing at the windows and the door and one pointing at the counter giving a wiev of most of the store too and of course, the door of the kitchen. (where is also a door that leadts to the second floor, Gwaine's appartment. I'm not sure if I have mentioned it yet...). So, the Adder couldn't see what actually happened in the backroom so he used it. The second time was quite short, but the first time when they talked and Gwaine made omelet took at least twenty minutes and even after Gwaine exited, Merlin still stayed... But lets get back to that in the next chapter. Oh! And Gwaine is a flirt most of the time. He doesn't know about the alcohol, because Gwaine has a cheap camera. He couldn't see what was in the plastic bags Gwaine always gave Merlin when he came. (Not mentioned anywhere, but for some other regulars he did the same) I might understand why this riles you off the most. These kind of crimes happen and there are always criminals, but here we have an educated man who has made his carreer (and fortune) by defending these lowlifes. Ritch lowlifes who are able to pay to cover up their mistakes. It riles me up at least. If there was nothing wrong with our legal systems, I would have just kind of written 'and there was a court and Uther went to jail and let's see how that felt for our main characters', but it the process is hard and uncomfortable and many victims don't trust on it very much, so I have made this many chapters to cover that... Even if I have no experience or real knowledge of the process... I really hope nobody gets riled up on my mistakes... Ah, Merlin wasn't stupid, we all saw how he was manipulated, but that how it feels like now. Like, of course his mother wouldn't have blamed him if he had just told her in the first place... Even if he still can't fully trust that her opinion won't change during the trial... He has to see it, hearing it isn't enough right now. You are so right about the manipulation, that's why we, who have been or ore or are going to be teachers also have a huge responsability. And then to Gwaine. I think we have entablished that he doesn't think everything through :P But yes, he has Percy who can predict his moves pretty well and Merlin's nagging will do him good. But he knows also that he is no leader and to be frank, he needs one in his life. Wonder who would fit in that slot... ;D I'm so happy that you liked that line, I have a sense of humour! Yes! And that you liked the car ride... You made me so happy :) Percy got far too little time in the show and I really had fun imagining what was the core personality of him (in the show it was that he was big, handsome and strong). Then to Arthur: Going to court will be hard, but he will benefit of it. He has always been someone not to shy away when it mattered. As we have seen in this chapter, he has doen his best not to piss of anyone, at least not himself, for he knows very well it will not help him or Merlin or anyone. Lets see how it will play out in the end ;) The hair drying... that is so intimate and Arthur is so natural with Merlin... yes it has been hard to realise why Merlin is acting like he is, but as you said, Arthur has known a long time how to react to him acting like he acts. I'm so happy that you like my 'cute scenes'! there will be a lot more of those coming :)

Chibi . warlock Maybe... not often, but sometimes and Uther in this story would be a very good place to take out that one :P I have so much pressure built on Morgana by now that I have read the part she is in like ten times and I'm still getting anxious about it... I can just hope now that you will like it :) If it's not too much to ask, lease tell me what you thought about her when we will get there :)

GuestChacha Yep, Aredian is not famous of being polite! And yes, he is desperate... for a good reason! But I'm so happy to hear that I managed to write him as I intented, it sucks how there are people like him in this world. About Percy, wery well said, he really is too responsible for his own good... I might want to use that line in some occassion... Do you mind if I do? I'm so relieved that I have had comments on how the surname I picked for Gwaine is alright, I'm really bad with names and when the original show didn'd give anyone (exept Pendragons) a surname, I have been avoiding them like a plague, but for Gwaine I just needed one. Lance will appear in this story again, it has been many chapters, but it has only been few weeks since Lance called the social service. I might even wrte some more of him in this story now that you asked :) with your comments I can resist Netflix a while longer and update, Thank you so much for your attention, I'll try my best to keep updating often :)

Kao You are propably right about there being a protocol and Iseldir could have helped more. That question you would have asked, I thought about it too, but I left it out for the sake of drama. I know, I'm sinking to the level of those who write plots for tv-series with settings like hospital or law firm... I wish I had time to read all those cases you sent me and maybe talk with you are something and rewrite the next chapter to be more accurate, but... I might have to say that I'm out of yime with my university startingsoon and stuff... And anyway my focus has been in feelings and well, I might have left some stuff un-written just with making Arthur not focused of them *sheepish grin* I hope you will make it through that part... Just one question, still, How does the jury work? I have very limited knowledge of that for we have a different system... If you can tell me I can still work that scene a bit. And huge thank you for the links, I will definitely try to readt them through at least before I do a final check up for the next chapter! Yeah Gwaine... he doesn't care too much about being a bit addicted to alcohol... That I took from the show. He thinks it's good to have a beer or two if one is tired, happy, celebrating, seeing friends, satying at home or mostly every ocation in life. Drugs he doesn't tolerte and no-one in this story smokes because I hate smoking. I'm so happy that you enjoyed the scene in the car :) Percy really did try... It's not always easy being that big :D Arthur going against Uther will (hopefully) be quite satisfying at least for me to write :) Thank you for your review, never appologise that they are long, I love long reviews :)


	39. Chapter 39 - The trial

When Arthur stopped his car in front of Gaius' house, Gaius was already waiting for them in front of his house. He could see right away that Merlin was nervous and anxious, and Gaius felt responsibility to help Merlin in the right way. After Hunith's visit he had read everything he had found from his books that could even possibly help him understand Merlin's situation more. He had found something, but most of his books were so old that this kind of subject wasn't very well covered. There wasn't much research of sexual abuse towards boys. Boys that had already hit puberty weren't traditionally considered to be victims, even if incest was viewed at least a bit more seriously, and the research and educating for example psychiatrist was still developing even today. It hadn't helped much even when Gaius had called some of his old colleagues and through their recommendations to few younger psychiatrists and doctors. In the end Gaius had found his research more of something to do rather than help him with the situation.

While reading, he had tried to keep his feelings at check by being at least a bit annoyed at Merlin for not telling him, but when he saw Merlin, he couldn't do that anymore. Arthur followed the boy he considered to be the closest he had to a family to the door to greet Gaius, but Gaius' focus was on Merlin. Even if Gaius noticed that he looked a bit healthier than normally, he looked somehow smaller. His shoulders were hunched and he looked like he wanted to hide. He didn't look at Gaius either and a sudden hurt that maybe Merlin was afraid of him now hit him, he was after all an older man too…

At that moment Gaius threw all he had read and heard out of the window and moved by pure instinct to give Merlin a hug. Merlin didn't move and he didn't tense but he didn't hug him back either. Had Gaius known how violently Merlin could react to this kind of contact, he wouldn't have felt his hurt grow.

"I'm sorry…" was the only thing Merlin said and Gaius almost missed it for it was so quiet. "My dear boy, you have nothing to apologise." He said without even thinking and soon he felt Merlin nod a little against his shoulder. Gaius felt a bit better at that, at least Merlin didn't seem afraid of him after all. He took a step back to an arm's length, keeping his hands on Merlin's shoulder. With tilting his head a bit down, Gaius got Merlin to look at his eyes. "You go make us some tea and we will play some scrabble." He said as gently as he could. Merlin tried to smile at him failing horribly but went in and upstairs to boil the water.

"Please, take good care of him. I'll call you as soon as it's over." Arthur told Gaius with a serious tone as soon as Merlin wasn't in the hearing range anymore. "You do that. We should go to have some dinner afterwards, I have a nice place in mind." Gaius replied and Arthur nodded at him as seriously as he had sounded. When Arthur turned to leave Gaius yelled after him "I wish you strength, be brave!" Arthur turned to him and smiled with a bit more confidence. He would be fine, he would not be alone and he had more family to come back to after his father had been sentenced.

He sat on the driver's seat, Hunith sitting next to him and they looked at each others briefly. The looks spoke of the same feelings of anxiousness, betrayal and worry but at the same time they both knew, that Merlin was safe and in good hands. Knowing that they understood each others made them feel better and Arthur started the car. They weren't alone. Whatever would happen today and how hard it would be, they would be alone.

* * *

When Merlin finally returned downstairs with two cups and a teapot (he had been as slow as humanly possible) Gaius was already sitting in the table with scrabble laid down for them. He didn't comment on how much time Merlin had taken but instead smiled at him and motioned him to take his letters first. Merlin had trouble of looking at Gaius and he couldn't be bothered to try his best on making up words from seven random letters, but he started regardless. At least he wouldn't have to talk yet.

"You should have told me." Gaius said while arranging his second word 'TAX' to Merlin's 'TAME'. Merlin flinched and remained quiet but Gaius didn't call him for it. He just wrote his points down. To Merlin that was the tiniest bit comforting. That Gaius wasn't looking at him or addressing his weird behaviour. "You know that you are like a son to me, I wouldn't have judged you and I would have done everything in my power to help you. I still will." Gaius continued like stating the weather and now Merlin felt ashamed. It wasn't like he hadn't thought this all in the past weeks, but hearing it from Gaius made it worse. "But what is truly important to me, is that now you are safe."

So many feelings rushed to Merlin hearing Gaius say that. He broke down and he babbled for God knows how long about how he had been afraid to tell and how he had been so stupid and how he had no idea of what to do and how scared he had been and how Gaius' garden had been the only place he could relax and how even now he was so afraid because he didn't know what would happen in the future…

Their tea was long cold when finally Merlin's voice broke down to sniffling. He felt embarrassed for acting like this, but Gaius just listened all Merlin had in his heart and when he seemed to have said everything, Gaius patted Merlin's hand across the scrabble board. "Whatever will happen from now on, I will be here for you. And so will Arthur and your mother and Gwaine… we are here for you."

After a while Merlin was able to calm down enough to have a conversation and they talked for a good while of everything. Merlin was shocked to hear Gaius confess how worried he had been when Merlin hadn't showed up and how he had been ready to try to contact Merlin's parents. How he had thought Merlin had again created trouble for himself and how much he regretted that he had so completely misunderstood what had been going on. How much he regretted not making Merlin tell him more of what was making him so depressed at times.

Merlin in turn assured him that he wouldn't have told and that he was happy this way. How Gaius' home was his sanctuary, how he felt safe here. How visiting here had been the highpoint of his week and how much he had been trying not to disappoint Gaius. How proud he had been able to feel at times when Gaius had praised his work and how much of a relieve it had been when he had been accepted as he was.

Gaius was horrified when Merlin told him how he had been afraid to sleep or eat and how he had thrown everything he had eaten every time he had been violated. Gaius had told him how he was glad to see Merlin putting on some weight and how Merlin had nothing to be ashamed of. How he was still himself and how he in no way was dirty or unclean. How he was proud of him and how brave Merlin was now that he had told the truth.

At some point Merlin realised that a huge weight had left him. He wasn't even sure why he had been so worried of meeting Gaius and it was easy to tell him things he had not even been able to think himself for they had felt too heavy. For the most of the conversation he had even been able to forget that the court was taking place right now.

When they both felt there was not much left to say at the moment, Gaius boiled them some new hot water and they started their scrabble from the start "I would have won this one too easily…" Gaius teased him and Merlin felt much lighter and ready to move to lighter topics. He really loved this old man like a father and he felt suddenly so lucky that he had chosen this garden all those months ago.

When Merlin was trying to make his fourth word Gaius changed the topic. "I should congratulate you for getting together with Arthur… " He said in a tone full of smile. Merlin looked up from his letters and managed to knock them down. He tried to collect them as fast as possible while blushing deep red, but he felt it hard not to smile too. He was actually more worried of Gaius seeing his letters than of what he had said. When he had collected all the letters he managed to say "Umm, did Arthur tell you…?" not looking at Gaius.

Gaius laughed a little at him and replied "Well, I asked him. But when a young man shows to your doorsteps and asks you to take care of someone like Arthur did, there is not much to ask." Merlin blushed but couldn't hide his smile. He truly was happy to have all these incredible people around him. He just wished he could be worth of them someday.

* * *

The court house was exactly as Arthur remembered it. He had visited there few times with his father and once with his school. The big entrance, the huge pillars and cold stone floors were nothing new to him, he was used to pompous buildings and people who felt they were so important they needed doors at least twice their height, but Hunith obviously wasn't. She looked uneasy and she kept looking around herself in a way that made Arthur want to tell her to stop that and look like she belonged so that they wouldn't give a frightened appearance. So they wouldn't look like they accepted that these people around them were more important than them, but he held his tongue. He decided he would determine his own value without approval of people around him.

They met Iseldir five minutes before the arranged time and Iseldir let them to a small and comfortable room. It was very much the style the rest of the building allowed with polished dark wood and leather. Iseldir offered them some refreshments and he told them briefly what to expect, gave Arthur some general instructions and just kept them company for a surprisingly long time. It was nice, he was nice and Arthur found him calm and factual, but he couldn't help but think that he wasn't very helpful. Somehow he seemed to give quite a little input. In a way it felt like he trusted Arthur and Merlin and had no doubt of their case which was of course reassuring, but some guidance would have been very welcome even if Arthur had already thought it through in his head. Hearing that someone who really understood how this all worked to tell him advice would have given him confidence.

Twenty minutes before the trial started, Iseldir told them he was sorry, but that he would need to excuse himself now. He took a pile of documents from his table and led Arthur and Hunith to the right door. They would still have to wait for a couple of minutes before the doors would open when Iseldir left them.

The waiting was agony. Arthur just wished he could march in right now, tell what he knew and be over it, but he tried to tell himself that the waiting was an obligatory evil and that it was part of his battle, to not let his nerves get the better of him. Hunith seemed to think along the same lines and she made an attempt to comment on how the building looked like and Arthur kept hmming at her when he heard her pause. He didn't really listen the words after the first sentence. Unknown to him, Hunith stopped talking after she had asked if Arthur was a purple striped giraffe with three heads and Arthur had nodded at her and hmmed.

When the doors finally opened, Hunith looked like she wished they could hold the trial in the small room they had sat previously if this huge hall was the other option. Arthur wasn't too interested of the setting here either, he briefly felt a bit clad he wouldn't have to get too close to his father, but mostly he just concentrated on who were going to be present. It was not many. As Iseldir had told them, the hearing would be held as privately as possible with minimum amount of people inside to protect Merlin's privacy. There were two man approximately at Uther's age and Arthur knew one of them to be CEO of Uther's company and the other Arthur knew he had at least met, so he must be someone important too. He gave half a thought of how much Uther would really be affected if he was found guilty, but he couldn't make himself feel that there was something his father didn't deserve for what he had done.

There were also some people gathering around who most probably worked here, like a woman who looked so stereotypically secretary that it should have been insulting. Following their movements gave Arthur something to focus on for few minutes and soon enough some very familiar faces appeared to really catch his attention. Leon stepped in with Gwaine who looked weirdly stiff in his very neat uniform that Arthur suspected belonged to Leon. The moment Gwaine spotted them, he said something to Leon and started to walk towards them. When Gwaine was only few paces from there, Arthur could see the pockets had been ironed. So definitely Leon's then… Arthur gave a pointed look to the pockets and Gwaine grinned at him for noticing. Hunith smiled at Gwaine sadly. She had clearly decided that she would be strong too but she couldn't hide how much this all hurt her.

"Welcome to the madhouse! This will be a whole circus from now on, let me warn you." Were Gwaine's choice of words and Arthur could hear from Gwaine's tone what he really thought of this all. Arthur had been raised to see value in being proper and respectful to this kind of systems when it didn't suit him better to act like he was above them, but right now he felt he understood exactly from where Gwaine was coming for. It _did_ feel pointless to even let Uther's lawyer (who Arthur had seen couple of times. Gwaine's explanation of him had done nothing to change his opinion of him…) blame it all on Merlin.

"It might be, but there is nothing even my father can do to make the truth go away." Arthur replied smoothly and he saw Gwaine first look at him in amazement and then he smiled. Not that ridiculous grin or comforting smile, but a very openly tired, but honest smile. "Yeah, Arthur, you are right." He again felt respect for this boy over ten years younger than he was. He rarely admitted anything this easily without at least wrapping it in a joke, but today he could made an exception. It shouldn't surprise anyone that he was not a fan of juristical system, but there was just something really sure that the right thing would happen in Arthur's eyes and right now, Gwaine really wanted to trust that sureness.

They had just about five minutes before Leon waved Gwaine to come back, but in those five minutes Arthur felt he got more advice and encouragement he had gotten from Iseldir. At some point Gwaine suggested in a low voice that Arthur should think if he wanted to explain his and Merlin's relationship for Merlin had not mentioned it. That was something Arthur had been wondering, if Merlin had told they were dating or not and getting to know the answer was a relief. He had prepared himself for the both opinion of course, but eliminating one of them before hand, even if just for few minutes still felt very good. This way he didn't feel that much like he would lie deliberately.

The only dilemma left, was that this option held two options inside it. Had Merlin told about their relationship, Arthur would just stood tall and tell how proud of their relationship he was regardless of how strange it sounded. Now, he had the opinion of telling himself or avoiding mentioning it if not asked straight. Telling to his father's face how much he loved Merlin was tempting. Arthur could imagine how satisfying it would feel to be honest with the one thing that mattered the most in his life to the man who had hurt them both and was himself unable to show his love, if he had any love in his heart at all. But time after time Arthur had labeled that as risky and unnecessary complicated not to mention how much of a revenge it would seem. Doing something just to declare war against Uther was something he didn't want to do and the warm and good feelings he had towards Merlin were the last thing he wanted to use as a weapon, so he ruled that out fast, again. If no-one would ask him or if it wasn't absolutely necessary to tell about their relationship, Arthur decided to leave it out of this discussion. That he was together with Merlin didn't change the way he would tell things here and while he wouldn't call Merlin his brother either, he had thought many ways of how to circle around certain topics.

"I'll see you afterwards. Good luck!" Gwaine told them cheerfully before he returned to Leon. "Aren't we supposed to say that to him?" Hunith asked from Arthur quietly, but Arthur smiled. "It means he doesn't need luck." he said before he and Hunith took a seat on one of the long benches that were build to form half a circle, near the front and in the middle, next to one of the isles that cut the benches in four parts.

The beginning was painfully official and slow even for Arthur and he took a hold of Hunith's hand somewhere in the midst of judge and the lawyers and finally Uther (escorted by Percy and Elena) walking in and someone announcing this all while the secretary they had seen take her seat a while ago, typed everything in impossible pace with a typing machine that made more noise than should have been legal in Arthur's opinion. Ok, he might have been slightly on the edge here, but the clicking sound got on his nerves.

Uther looked as stern as ever. He was wearing a very expensive suit and he was not looking at all like a typical criminal. He looked like this all was more of an inconvenience than anything else. Even Percy standing right behind him didn't make Uther seem uneasy in any way and Arthur could see every lesson of appearance his father had hammered in his head while he had grown up taking place right there. Hunith's hand trembled slightly and Arthur tightened his hold of it. He could relate how this felt for her. He had prepared himself to every feeling he had thought he might have when seeing his father probably the last time, but strangely enough, he had felt so much and imagined the worst so many times that now that he was actually looking at his father, what he felt didn't seem like much.

"I'm sorry I'm this pathetic…" Hunith whispered softly at some point but Arthur shook his head at her. There was nothing pathetic in her behaviour and the more Arthur had time to think about it, the more sure he was that he would have to deal with emotions Hunith was dealing now, later. Right now it would still serve him that he was able to be calm and he focused on Hunith's hand instead of Uther. It was warm and it helped Arthur feel secured.

When Iseldir started to tell the court room what had happened to Merlin, Uther still remained indifferent and soon Arthur felt Hunith's hand tighten a bit and one quick look to her face told him what exactly Hunith was thinking. This man didn't regret at all what he had done and once Arthur looked at Uther again, he felt his own anger rise. That man really didn't care about anyone else than himself and what was more painful than the words Iseldir spoke, was the realisation that he had known it all along.

Iseldir spoke of how Uther had stalked and courted his step son for weeks before actually making his move. How then he had forced Merlin to sexual contact with him while Merlin had been just a fourteen year old boy. He spoke about verbal abuse and how in the end Uther had raped Merlin multiple times with more and more violent traits that included beating him up and handcuffing him to his own bed. While listening all this made Arthur feel sick, it just didn't sound even close to what he had seen. How Merlin had made himself sick by not eating or sleeping. How much Merlin feared even normal contact or how dirty he felt. Arthur was glad he had come. He could be the one who told about those things even if he might not have much to add to the discussion.

In the end of his speech, Iseldir made demands that Hunith's divorce would immediately take effect, that both Arthur's and Merlin's custody would be lifted to her and he also made demands for compensation money sky high alongside with child support and Uther's immediate imprisonment. Arthur couldn't agree more to the divorce and custody part and even if he had trouble understanding what going to jail really meant for his father, he was sure he deserved it, but the talk of money somehow felt out of place. It felt unnecessary and when Arthur looked at his father's uncaring and calm face, he thought that Uther could keep all his money for all Arthur cared as long as he would stay away from his and Merlin's life from now on. The only thing that kept Arthur from losing himself to his anger was Hunith's hand that held his as much as he was holding hers. Still right then he knew he hated this man. It was not just that he was angry, it was pure hate.

After that the judge, a middle aged, plump woman who looked like her favourite phrase was 'no nonsense', gave Uther a chance to tell if he was guilty or not guilty for the charges pressed at him and Uther answered 'not guilty' without batting an eyelash. Arthur wanted to scream at him how despicable he was, but he bit his tongue and concentrated on Aredian's turn to tell how Merlin had had multiple lovers and that his stepfather had just done his best to try to keep Merlin home and safe. He had picked Merlin up from school, but even then Merlin had skipped class to see his boyfriends. In the end he had, like Uther had feared, gotten in deep trouble. As Merlin had begged him to not tell anyone, Uther had kept his secret, which he regretted now. Aredian also hinted (not very subtly) that Merlin had made this story up and now, Hunith had applied for divorce and as a poor country woman she had seen a chance in this to get some good money and Merlin had jumped to the chance to play along to save himself from being blamed.

Aredian wasn't expensive for nothing. His voice was smooth and persuade. If Arthur hadn't known the truth he found himself believing that he would at least consider if this bullshit was true and when he looked around to see how the few others in this room thought. He felt suddenly scared that they would believe Uther over Merlin who wasn't even here. Soon, however, he saw Gwaine who had a laid back posture and a sarcastic smile plastered on his face and Arthur immediately relaxed. Gwaine saw it too and he wasn't worried.

Arthur looked at Hunith who looked so worried Arthur had to do something. He squeezed Hunith's hand making her look at him. Arthur smiled at her a bit and shook his head. Hunith seemed to understand and she took a deep breath and seemed to steal herself once more. When the prosecutor spoke again, Arthur was glad to hear his voice. He denied his colleague's story not only as absurd, but flat out lying and that the defence was ignoring the evidence that proved what had happened.

The judge then cut this discussion in order to hear what had happened from the victim himself. Arthur tried to steel himself for this the best he could. He knew this would be the part where he could do nothing but listen what Merlin had said to the lawyers and to the police when Arthur hadn't been there.

Some assistants rolled a big tv screen to the front of the court room so everyone could see it and too soon Arthur was watching a video that showed only Merlin looking pale, scared and deeply ashamed. Oh how much Arthur wanted to take that Merlin in his arms and tell how everything was alright. He wanted to cover Merlin's ears and press him to his chest so he wouldn't have to do this, but when the video started to roll and he heard Iseldir's voice asking Merlin to tell from the beginning what had happened, Arthur remembered that Merlin had already done that. That he was probably drinking tea with Gaius at the moment. That he couldn't- shouldn't protect Merlin from everything. That Merlin had managed on his own and that had probably been as important to him as being here now was important to Arthur.

Still when he listened Merlin tell in a flat voice how Uther had first come to his room once or twice a week to touch him, how he had told Merlin that if anyone found out he was gay, everyone would hate him. How Uther had told him that he was keeping Merlin out of trouble by giving him what he wanted. "I never felt it like that, but I thought doing as he told me was the price I had to pay for it was my fault I liked boys… I tried not to, but I never could make myself interested in girls." Merlin was sounding like he was somewhere far away and to Arthur, he was. How had it happened, that even after he had come to a conclusion that he himself might be gay and that there was nothing wrong with it, Arthur hadn't been able to make it known to Merlin that there were other opinions than his father's?

"It was when my mother started to work at nights when he told me to suck him off. He was furious at the first time because I had stormed off from dinner table. He didn't like when I didn't do as I was told or if I misbehaved." Merlin continued looking almost bored and somehow, almost dead. At least his eyes were and as it slowly crept into Arthur's consciousness what it really meant that Merlin had sucked his father off since… since that dinner Arthur had almost forgotten until now. How long had it been… almost one and half years. Arthur felt sick. He suddenly remembered Merlin's face when he told Arthur 'what does it matter? He has done everything' and Arthur felt his jaw tighten painfully. He had a strong suspicion that he would find out exactly what 'everything' meant today.

"What does it mean when you say you 'misbehaved'? And what would he exactly do if you 'misbehaved'?" Iseldir's voice asked from somewhere outside of the picture and Merlin glanced at a spot on the right side of the camera. "Sometimes… I'm not even sure, but if I didn't do as I was told right away he would be more… harsh, and once I think he got a call from school that I had slept in one of my classes… If I told him 'no', it was always a bad thing. I suppose that if I just kept studying and did what he told me to do and stayed home, it was over sooner."

Hunith made a strange muffled sound from her throaty and when Arthur tore his eyes off from the screen, he could see exactly what Hunith had understood. The way Merlin had been studying and the way he had refused to go out to see friends, to swim to get his own driver's license… It had been because he had tried to 'behave'.

"Was there ever a time he wouldn't come at all?" Iseldir asked and Merlin slowly shook his head. "No… always when the school was ending and exams were nearing he would leave me to study, but if he was at home, I can't remember a week without being touched at least in his car. I never knew what to do to please him enough to let me just be." There was this bitterness in Merlin's tone now that sounded almost like he was angry at himself for not being able to please his stepfather enough not to rape him every week. Arthur tried to make himself a mental note that he would have to make Merlin believe that in no way nobody should feel that they should study more so they wouldn't be raped in their own home, but he had no idea of how to do that.

"Did you ever tell him to stop? Or that you didn't like what he did to you?" Iseldir continued and Arthur glanced at his father. He looked as stoic as before, but Arthur, who had studied his father's expressions for all his childhood could see the distaste on Uther's face. Arthur turned his eyes back to the screen just to see Merlin start to shake his head, but then he froze and an expression broke through. He looked like he was trying to catch something from his memory and eventually Arthur saw a spark of anger and then Merlin spoke.

"I did. Once. I thought I was at my limits then…" Merlin gave a humourless chuckle and there was something in his eyes that scared Arthur. Self loath mixed in with something that told Arthur how much his father had been able to twist Merlin's view of himself and the world he was living in. Merlin frowned and looked like he needed an enormous amount of will power to open his mouth again. "I begged him to stop, I told him it hurt and that I couldn't take it anymore, that I got sick, but he didn't listen. It just made him angry and he…" Merlin kept looking a spot on the table a bit right from the camera and he started to move slightly back and forth and Arthur could tell he tried not to do that. He was truly afraid of what Merlin would say next.

"He entered me and after that he made me… 'clean after my own filth' I'm quite sure were the words he used." Merlin's voice was bitter and his breathing looked a bit shaky. He crossed his arms in front of him and shivered slightly. "Can you tell me what it meant to 'clean up your own filth'?" Iseldir asked when Merlin didn't continue. Arthur found an irrational anger towards him for making Merlin answer to these kind of questions, but he soon found other things to concentrate when Merlin glanced where Arthur now suspected Iseldir sat. "…With my mouth. I threw up on his feet after that, so I'm quite sure he got the message, but he just left. It was no use to try again." Merlin said with more sarcasm than anything else and in the middle of his sentence he fixed his eyes on the left side of the camera and Arthur realised that it must be where Aredian had sat. He could just imagine how he had looked at Merlin. Smug and belittling and Merlin was shielding himself against that. He felt momentarily proud of his love before the words sank.

The thought of Merlin, on his knees, sucking his father's… that had been in his rectum, oh God. Arthur would never, ever make Merlin- no, he wouldn't even suggest that he took anything in his mouth or inside him at all! How could- how could anyone do something like that and how… how had Merlin been able to continue on after that? How must have that felt? How horrible and the day after he had probably eaten breakfast with Arthur or maybe later or in Arthur's car and he had not even noticed…

When he returned to this time and place, Arthur noticed that he was leaning against Hunith and that he was shaking all over. Hunith had also pressed herself against him. She looked almost green. Arthur didn't move.

There were a series of questions and answers and it seemed to take forever. Snippets like "Then he would put… it… inside me. Sometimes he was more careful but the other times I had to be careful not to get any blood on my sheets." "And would he help you afterwards if you bled?" "No. He didn't care." or "How long it could take for him to come and free you?" "He wouldn't. I know how to break them with scissors." kept ringing in Arthur's ears and he could not make any real order to them.

At some point Arthur looked at his father and he looked like he wanted to tell Merlin to drop that insolent tone and Arthur knew, that if this had happened to him, he would not have begged or pleaded it to end. He would have told his father that if it didn't end, he would kill him. And that would not have been an empty threat. It felt scary and the amount of anger that was swirling inside of him made him doubt himself as a human being, making him feel relieved on a whole new level that it had never happened to him, but what felt really scary was that even at the age of seventeen his first thought had been to take care of everything by himself. Had his father raped him at the age of fifteen, he would surely not thought of telling the police.

Arthur could barely understand that the story had turned more focused one and it was about the night Arthur had found out and soon followed by the day the police came. Arthur listened when Merlin told how Uther had picked him up from school and how he had tried to struggle in vain. Even from that Arthur had not been able to save Merlin… he had known but he had tried to protect Merlin and failed. Hunith's hand was squeezing his almost painfully and Arthur wanted to beg for forgiveness from her, from Merlin and from the judge. Why had he been so _stupid_?

His hearing started to work when he heard his own name "…Pendragon and I don't care what you think happened as long as I never have to go back to that house." A wave of fear crashed in his heart but he soon realised that it was not him or their home Merlin was talking about, but his father and his house. A strong shame of his own family name strangled Arthur and he hated, _hated_ the fact the he was son of this man who still looked like he was the king of the world and whatever he would say or do, must be justifiable. It was revolting.

Iseldir stopped the recording and there was a moment of silence before he started to list all the evidence they had been able to find from Merlin's room that backed the story. They showed a picture of the broken handcuffs that Uther had used and Arthur could almost feel their edge against his wrist. He couldn't imagine what Merlin would have felt if he was here. They showed evidence bags with Merlin's torn, bloodied shirt and lube and the key to the handcuffs Arthur had no idea where he had dropped it after he had freed himself with it.

Soon, however, they focused on the photos Arthur had heard Merlin only mention once. When one of the assistants started to prepare something on a laptop that was connected to the tv, Arthur knew he would see them and he really didn't want to. He was sure Merlin wouldn't want him to see them and he wanted to respect that and besides, he was feeling sick enough as it was. He looked at Hunith who looked like she was about to faint and she was squeezing her shirt from where her heart was and Arthur saw right there how painful mother's love towards their child could be. He remembered Morgana once telling him how their mother had begged her doctor to save her child even when she was dying herself. Even if Morgana had been able to convince him then that she didn't blame him for killing their mother, he just now believed what she had said was true.

Too soon Iseldir started to talk and the photos flashed on the screen as he pressed a button to change them. This time Arthur couldn't stop from hearing every word that was spoken. "The photos date as far as august two years ago. At first they seem like normal photos even if over ninety percent of photos taken of the family members centred around Merlin…" Arthur found his eyes glued to the screen. The photo viewed there was taken clearly without Merlin knowing about it because he looked like he was talking to someone on his left side, but what kept Arthur looking at it, was how Merlin looked like. His expression was open and his posture relaxed and his eyes… they were bright and alive and Arthur could just think 'He really used to be like that…' and it broke his heart.

"but they change soon to something a stalker would take and come more frequent after february, a year ago. After, as Merlin told us, the abuse escalated to the first intercourses." Iseldir continued and the photo was gone replaced with one where Merlin was showering and Arthur again turned his gaze away. He couldn't see it like this, just couldn't. He kept his eyes on Hunith's face and he could see how she kept taking everything in. Even if it all hurt her. Her face was still greenish and her lips just a thin line.

"Seeing these photos leave no doubt of what has happened. Merlin has been sexually abused and raped based on Merlin's interview and these 247 photos, we have estimated that the number of rapes would be somewhere in between two hundred and two hundred and fifty. This would be a story of one of those." Iseldir was still talking, but soon Arthur realised that it was from the video again.

"I know this must be hard for you, but can you look at this picture and tell me if you recognise it?" Arthur felt every nerve in him to focus on Merlin's reply he was sure would follow. "Yes." came with a quiet, shaky voice. "Can you remember what happened that day?" Iseldir's voice made Arthur squeeze the edge of the bench in order not to hurt Hunith's hand. He dreaded the answer. "Yes" There was a pause that seemed to drag and be too short at the same time.

"I was already asleep… I usually waited till late, but that night he came later than usual. Probably because my mother was home, so I was already sleeping." Arthur wanted to cover his ears but Hunith had tightened her hold on his hand and he didn't have heart to rip his hand off from hers. "I- I don't sleep in my bed… and he didn't like that. I screamed because I took a fright, but he silenced me quickly." At this point Arthur made the mistake of looking. He had thought the video was again playing, but it was just the sound. On the screen there was a photo of Merlin that would never leave Arthur's memories.

It was a picture of Merlin, his pyjama, that overly large and childish one with stars that Arthur had found funny, pulled up revealing Merlin's way too thin form. His pants pushed down and his arms stretched as long as they could, cuffed to his bedpost. Even if his face was blurred, Arthur could tell that his head was bent down and he was biting his pillow. There was a hand holding Merlin's hips still and a penis stretching his hole open. It was a bit dark, but Arthur could clearly see bruises on Merlin's side and his wrists appeared to be red from friction. Arthur looked away, but it didn't help much. The picture was burned to his mind and he remembered Merlin's distress last night and now he fully understood what he had said. 'Please don't think any differently of me.' It hurt. Arthur wanted to leave. He wanted to see Merlin right now and take him far away. He felt horrible being in the same room as his father and he felt that he either had to hit something or cry. Maybe both.

"How did he make you silent?" Still Arthur could hear Iseldir's voice painfully clearly. "He put his hand… on my mouth. I couldn't make a sound anymore." Hearing that, Arthur felt almost glad that Merlin had screamed the other night. At least he had been able to. "And what happened then?" Iseldir asked and Arthur seriously didn't want to know. "He took me to my bed and cuffed me. It was the third time. He was angry, so it hurt more than usually. I didn't want to yell anymore so I bit my pillow instead." Merlin's voice was breaking but he still continued. "He showed me this picture. He told me I looked… like a whore. Then he told me to kiss him. I didn't. I told him no… I- He pressed my neck. He did that sometimes but this time I hadn't yelled. I remember seeing white dots and then it all disappeared. It hurt. I couldn't breath."

There was a pause and Arthur felt that he couldn't breath either. Merlin's voice was at points almost bored and Arthur wanted to shake him and get him to cry or whatever just to make that horrible surrendering of his faint voice stop. "He let me go that night, but I couldn't move. I- I threw up before I got to bathroom and I was dirty… I- After that I thought that he would kill me if I didn't do as I was told… I cleaned up and I slept few hours. I tried to act like nothing was different. I don't think I succeeded very well…"

Arthur was feeling ill and he almost wished he could just kneel over and vomit like Merlin had done just previous night. He was still leaning on Hunith who now looked more pale than green, but in her eyes there was fire that told Arthur that she would never forgive his father.

"The story heard before of Merlin having multiple lovers, was absurd and insulting even before the police was able to find these photos from Uther Pendragon's cloud, taken with the same phone model that the man in question had used all this time until he 'accidentally' dropped it from fifth floor after he had been brought to the station. I hope no-one in this room will doubt, if Merlin was a willing participant and let someone in their house, during the night even if the house was secured with an automatic alarm system." Iseldir ended his turn to speak with more emotion he had shown in the whole court together. He cared and he didn't want to see anyone to belittle this kind of crimes. Arthur could see that now and somehow, it made him understand the demands of compensation money. It wasn't putting a price tag on Merlin's suffering, but making sure it was recognised how much Merlin had gone through. Even if he or Merlin or Iseldir couldn't speak so that everyone understood how horrible his father's crime had been, money was an universal language and it would speak volumes to even those who failed to see what this all really meant.

"Still I fail to see where is the evidence that the boy, who was no doubt violated, was indeed raped by my client." Arthur snapped his head towards Aredian who had stood up and looked as calm and calculating as ever. "If the recording of Merlin's interview would have been shown from the beginning, we would have seen that Merlin admitted that he had indeed let someone in." Aredian marched to the front of the tv and Iseldir gave him the remote he had been holding with a face that said 'Here, you are welcome to try and make a fool of your client on top of everything'.

Arthur was highly confused when he listened how Merlin admitted that he had let someone in their house at night. It felt absurd and out of place. Like he was now listening to an entirely different story. He barely concentrated on the part where Aredian asked about Gwaine and he could almost hear gears turning in Hunith's head. Arthur tried to remember if their alarm had gone off… During the last year at least he hadn't been out of the house if Merlin hadn't been with him and… oh. Arthur almost laughed out loud when he realised what this was all about. The defence really was weak.

With that thought Arthur relaxed. He could understand now why Merlin had looked so confused in the video and even if Merlin had failed to tell the whole story, well, that was why Arthur was here. He now felt that he could do something for Merlin and the thought made some of the tension leave him. Hunith was now looking at _Arthur_ in confusion and Arthur just gave her a small smile and squeezed her hand to let her know it was all right. He would explain it later.

When Arthur started to listen again, there was some kind of discussion of how Merlin himself had the exact same phone model than Uther and that had never been investigated. Aredian told how Merlin's phone was also connected to the same cloud and Arthur remembered how his phone had asked if he wanted to automatically copy everything to their cloud every now and then. He had been very, very careful not to do that, but Merlin might not have noticed that kind of thing. The cell he had now was after all, his first.

At this point Aredian started to… well, he should have questioned Uther of what had happened, but it was more like he kept feeding him the correct answers. Hearing his father tell how he had time after time warned Merlin from getting involved with men he didn't really know and how he had found lube and items like handcuffs from Merlin's room and how Merlin had promised it would end, made Arthur's skin crawl. It was just not right. Not in any way. Anyone who knew Merlin or had seen him in their home would have been able to tell that nothing in this story added up. But still Uther kept pointing out why all the evidence couldn't be connected to him with Aredian's help.

The handcuffs had not been bought with his credit card and couldn't be proved belonged to him. The key for them had been found from Merlin's room and had no fingerprints from him. Lube, bandages and even a condom had been found from Merlin's room. This was the first time he had seen the photos in his life. How he had made a mistake by not seeking professional help for Merlin earlier and how his reaction had not been the best when he was in the middle of dealing yet again with his stepson and his son had barged in, but that was all he was guilty off.

'For the love of…' Arthur thought and wished he could just raise his hand like in school and tell them what he knew when the discussion dragged.

Luckily he didn't have to because Iseldir kept pointing out exactly what Arthur would have wanted to, like how on earth Merlin had stalked himself or how the 'boyfriend' could have broken in repeatedly after the alarm was already on. Iseldir kept dodging some of it by pointing out some details that had not been investigated and just before Arthur was ready to bang his head on the bench in front of him, the judge ended the discussion between Iseldir and Aredian and reminded that there was a witness and that maybe he could light some of the questions the defence obviously had. That was sarcasm if Arthur had even heard one even if it was way more polite compared to the tone Merlin used.

When Iseldir said Arthur's name, Arthur knew that this was it. He tried to remember everything he had thought in advantage and during the trial when he walked to the witness' stand. He couldn't look at his father, but he knew that right now, he had the undivided attention he had graved when he had been young. And right now, it only fed the small satisfied feeling of revenge inside of him.

The first thing to do was to repeat after an oath to tell truth and only the truth. Arthur had known this and Iseldir had also prepared him to this and Arthur repeated with pride that he knew he would do so. Unlike his father. They might share name and genes, but today he would show that he was a different man than his father.

Iseldir first asked him to describe the day Uther had been arrested. It was easy because Arthur had told that one already to Gwaine and Leon and after that he had rearranged the story in his head at least ten times. He told how Merlin had not returned when he usually did and how he had checked the places Merlin usually was and when he had not found him, he had known his father had taken him home. "And how did you know this?" Iseldir asked and Arthur realised he was helping him to stay on the plot. That's why he hadn't given many advices before, because he had known he would be there for Arthur.

"Because I already knew what my father had done to Merlin. I found out a week before the day of the arrest." He replied and waited for the next question. Iseldir asked him to tell about the night he found out and Arthur did. He told what he had heard and what he had heard with confidence that he remembered everything exactly as it had been. After that Iseldir asked him to return to the day of the arrest and Arthur told how he had found Merlin's things scattered around and how he had found his door locked, how he had gone through the closet and what he had seen and what his father had said ending the story to their fight.

"And you have no doubt, that Merlin was telling the truth? That it was indeed your father who had done this all to your step brother?" Iseldir finally asked and Arthur answered without hesitation "No. I know what I heard and what I saw myself. After that so many things started to make sense and even if I tried to find any other explanation to what I first heard, there was none and after hearing Merlin's side of the story, there was even less. I trust his word completely."

Iseldir gave him an approving nod and told the courtroom that he had nothing to ask anymore. Then it was Aredian's turn. "So… you saw everything that happened, is that correct?" he started and Arthur was vividly reminded how he had shaken this man's hand in his birthday party and how Aredian had said 'So… you are fifteen now, almost a man then.' and Arthur had been as sure as he was now that Aredian did not wish him well.

"No, as I said, I heard everything through Merlin's closet door." He said after adjusting his brain to deal with someone who could and would use everything he said against him. "Oh? But I'm fairly sure Merlin stated that you saw him." This was not a question but Arthur answered anyway "I did see him afterwards, I am sure he meant that." Two question and Arthur was already feeling like he was standing on the edge of a blade. He felt that one word out of place could destroy everything, but he had to keep looking sure so he just kept looking Aredian straight into his eyes. "So you heard your father raping your step brother through a door?"

"Yes." Arthur was quite sure he had been quite clear on that already. "A closed door, an actual door, not for example a sliding door or a louvered door?" Aredian didn't let go of the subject. "A closed, normal door." Arthur repeated and failed to see how it mattered, but he was getting nervous. Aredian was after something, he always was. "And you are still absolutely sure that it was your father's voice?"

"I know my father's voice." Arthur answered feeling like soon he would have to defend his intelligence as well. "And he was upset, right?" Arthur fought the urge to look at Hunith or Gwaine for some support, he had to keep on looking at Aredian in order not to falter. "He was." Arthur tried to remind himself of how he had survived his father's interrogations for years. The first rule had always been to only answer what was asked.

"Tell me, how can you be sure that he wasn't upset to find his step son yet again from a compromising position?" At that question Arthur almost heard a snap inside his head and he found some sarcasm he was sure he had Merlin to thank for. "Then I suppose he was also jumping up and down on Merlin's bed and ordered Merlin to kiss him just for good night."

Arthur heard some murmuring and something he identified to be a muffled snort of laughter. Arthur almost wanted to turn to roll his eyes at Gwaine. Aredian looked very much displeased. "Then, tell me how can you be sure there was no-one else in the room? If I remember correctly, the demand for a kiss was 'barely audible' in your words and you left the closet for quite some time before you went to talk with Merlin. Maybe it was enough time for the boyfriend to leave?"

Alright, Arthur was now officially fed up with this 'boyfriend'. What the hell was this story they were supposed to believe anyway? That Merlin had been having sex with someone who kept extremely quiet while Merlin's step father was standing next to them telling how Merlin was destroying their home only to ask him to kiss before the said step father left the room and then again kept extremely quiet and then what? Hid under the floor or something until morning while Merlin made a spectacular act for Arthur and then vanished into thin air after the alarm was turned off?

He was very close of just snapping that he happened to know that Merlin only had one boyfriend, but luckily, Aredian had mistaken his silence. "I understand that you would want to protect your brother and that is very noble of you, but to me it seems that you saw nothing. Not the day the arrest took place nor the week before and still you made this assumption in order to help him, but I want you to understand that what you say today could lead your father going to prison for a crime, which was of course horrible, but one he didn't commit." Aredian's voice was almost pitying. Like he was talking to a child who didn't understand fully what he was doing.

Arthur looked at him with some new calmness. He saw now what he had to do. When he had been made a captain to his football team, many in the team had opposed to it. He had been young and there were players who had played longer than him. It had taken almost half a year to build himself authority that surpassed what came with age and years of playing. Authority that had made the others, even those in their final year, respect and listen to him and now he would have to gather that same authority and show everyone here that he was not a child. That he knew what he was talking about. That this was not a case of a word of a respectable adult against two kids, but one word against two words.

"I am not going to answer anymore questions of a person who does not exist. Merlin had no boyfriends who sneaked in. There was no other compromising position to find than the ones my father had caused himself." He kept his voice calm, deep and clear. The way he knew he could be heard halfway across a football field. He held his posture and his head high. He was not going to argue about things that did not matter or were not true.

"I would appreciate if you answered my question. Was there enough time for someone to leave while you were in your own room?" Aredian did not look impressed, but Arthur knew he wouldn't need him to be. It was the judge and the jury he needed on his side. Aredian could be the petty bully who lost his credibility. "And I would appreciate if you let me finish explaining before you ask me more pointless questions." He replied with same tone he used when someone whined at him that they were tired in the middle of warm ups.

"Pointless? Even if Merlin himself confessed he had let someone in your house?" Aredian still tried and Arthur almost smiled for he had forgotten that one. "That would have been me. Merlin let _me_ in when I set our alarm off and the door locked automatically." This time Arthur let himself look at Hunith. She looked decades older than she really was and she was still pale, but she looked at Arthur with pride and Arthur took it all in feeling a bit taller than before and he again fixed Aredian with his gaze.

"You? You are telling me that you were outside of the house in the middle of the night and you set off the alarm of your own house?" Aredian was losing his plot, Arthur could tell and when Aredian glanced at Uther, Arthur saw a look that said 'this is as far as I can go with this bullshit' and Arthur knew. Aredian had made the best of what he had, but he had known all along what had really happened. He had used his education and position to try and lift this crime off Uther's shoulders because he was paid for it handsomely. Arthur could now see why Gwaine had felt like he had.

"Yes. It's an old trick really. My sister invented it years ago when the system was installed and she watched when it was tested. If the detector that tells if the door is opened is wrapped in tinfoil before the alarm is set, the door can be opened without causing an alarm. The tinfoil just have to be removed only after the alarm has turned off itself in the next morning." This felt extremely good and Arthur knew he was just now doing what he shouldn't by telling more than he had to, but he was sure it didn't matter anymore. He had seen Aredian already give up.

"And Merlin couldn't have used this same trick to let someone in?" he asked, but Arthur had answer to that too. "No. It only works on the garden door and can be used only to go to garden and back. If someone goes too close to the fence, the alarm goes off and the door locks automatically. It can't be opened even with keys from the outside. I went to try out a new technique and kicked my football too far. For my luck, I had tried to get Merlin to stop studying for a second and come out to help me, so when he heard the alarm, he was by the door faster than my father."

"What if someone was already in the garden before the alarm turned on?" Aredian still tried, but Arthur had the upper hand and now he could look at Aredian with mock pity. "I see you have not seen our garden. There are no places to hide. Not even after dark, we tried very hard to play hide and seek in the garden when I and my sister were young, but it never worked out. besides I could see our whole garden from my window so I would have seen if there was someone climbing over our fence."

And that was it. Aredian had no further questions and Iseldir was also happy. Arthur walked back to sit next to Hunith feeling high of relief that it was over, empty in a way like all of his energy had been sucked out of him and still feeling like he could have told a lot more. He just wasn't sure what that more was at the moment.

Aredian made a weak attempt of asking why Merlin had skipped school and where he had been when he was supposed to be helping school's football team during the summer. (He had a signed document from Arthur's coach stating that Merlin had always left for most of the practises) Iseldir brushed that off as not relevant because all the pictures were taken in Merlin's room and most of them during night time. He also pointed out that the first story Uther had told had stated that Merlin's 'lovers' visited during daytime. The story had changed when the photos were found and it had turned out that they were mostly taken after dark. Aredian of course told that that was what Uther had assumed, but it didn't change anything.

The judge ended the discussion and Uther was found guilty of all charges. The court would take a half an hour break and after that they would gather again to decide of the penalty.

Percy took a hold of Uther's shoulder just when Arthur finally managed to look him straight in the eye. He still looked hard as steel and utterly disappointed. Of the decision, of the court and of Arthur. It was painful. Not that they had won or that Uther would be punished by what he had done, but Arthur felt this was the moment when the bridge between him and his father was really burning and the finality of it hurt even if he didn't want to ever see this man, who had caused this in the first place, again.

Arthur kept watching his father until the door behind him closed. He was now seeing his relationship with his father how it really had been. Mentally abusing and lacking most of the love and warmth it was supposed to have. The same warmth and understanding that he had had tenfold from Hunith in these past two weeks. He felt Hunith's hand on his shoulder and he wondered when she had let go of his hand. Probably just now. His hand felt numb and his mind too. He hugged Hunith and she hugged him back. They clinged to each others until Gwaine sat to the bench in front of them.

"Brilliant, Arthur, absolutely brilliant." He said with gentle tone and Arthur had to smile a little bit. Some things that he felt he could have told kept nagging in his mind now, like how much Merlin had hated the handcuffs or how his mood always turned sour when his mother left the house, but if Gwaine was happy with him, then maybe he could just stop wondering what he could have done. They had won after all.

It was still sinking in, but they had won. It didn't feel as liberating as Arthur had expected it to feel, but he hoped that when they could get out of here, to eat and to Merlin and Arthur could say he would never have to see his father's face ever again, that would truly sink in.

Gwaine offered them some snacks he had made and some coffee from a thermos because they didn't have enough time to leave the courthouse and actually Arthur didn't want to. He didn't want to leave just to come back in minutes. He ate a little, but he didn't feel like eating even if he was hungry. He again understood Merlin a bit better.

Gwaine also invited them all to his place to a party in the evening. "But I warn you. I'm gonna be drunk and annoying as hell." He said with good humour. Hunith looked a bit sceptic, but Arthur could tell that she was not taking Gwaine seriously. Arthur could have corrected her opinion of Gwaine who she had only seen acting as an officer, but somehow he didn't have energy for that. He was quite sure Merlin would like to go and so he said that he would come if Merlin would. Hunith then agreed that the boys could come, but she herself was too tired so she would pass. She also made Gwaine promise that he would send the boys home before ten and Gwaine agreed with a tone that Arthur was quite sure he used on his own mother when he wanted to make her believe that he was not going to get in trouble.

Too soon the court started to gather again and Gwaine had to go, but before he did, he told Arthur that he was proud of him. That meant so much and even if Arthur only managed to nod, with every step Gwaine took towards his own seat, Arthur felt his soul return to him. He wished someday he could talk with Merlin of what had happened today and he would hear him tell the same thing. That gave Arthur even more strength. After this his new life with Merlin would truly start.

First Iseldir made demands of all the costs that had been caused by their sudden moving. It was not much, but it was more for the sake of principle than anything else. Aredian pulled out a document that listed all the costs Hunith had covered by using her husband's credit card. "I fail to see how it was necessary to take the most expensive room of a quite nice hotel, may I add, and the amount of room service, new clothes, cab rides… Let me ask how this doesn't sound like someone who is taking advantage of their husbands money?"

Hunith squirmed at that and Arthur could tell she regretted of using that much money. He wanted to tell her how it really was nothing. His father had stayed at hotels when he had been working late and well, money had never been an issue in his home, but he didn't have to for Iseldir pointed out that she had also left a very expensive wedding ring, jewelry and the said credit card behind as soon as she had bought a new house for them with her own money.

When the costs caused by their moving and child support had been granted to them, Iseldir moved to compensation money. For that he asked a nurse who had examined Merlin to come to testify and soon the tv was again at its place and Freya was standing where Arthur had stood about an hour ago. Her hair was open and she was dressed to straight navy blue pants and a white, loose blouse, buttoned up to her neck. She looked so very different to how Arthur had seen her. She had looked comfortable then and somehow warm, but now she looked very much out of her element and pale in a way that made Arthur sure her hands were cold.

"In my medical examination just hour after the last rape, I could find clear evidence of the rape. All the classic signs were there. Merlin had bruising on his thighs and wrists and genital area. All a proof that his legs have been opened forcefully and his hands forced to a position where they could be cuffed. There are also chafes caused by the handcuffs."

Iseldir was changing pictures on the tv screen in a steady pace. There were pictures of Merlin's wrists, legs, side and neck against a white background. The bruising looked horrible and even if Merlin was still thin, he wasn't this thin. Arthur shuddered on the sight. It had been so easy to forget how sick Merlin had actually looked just a week ago.

"Alongside of those, there were also clear signs of violence. In this one we can see a very telling pattern." Freya continued and Arthur noticed she sounded much more purposeful now. Iseldir changed the picture and it was of Merlin's neck. "These spot like bruises have been caused by the predator when he has taken a hold of Merlin's neck. He told me that used to happen if he made too much noise." She arranged her hand to match the bruises and Arthur could see in his mind's eye how his father's strong hand squeezed around Merlin's thin neck. "A force needed to make this kind of bruising is intense and powerful and against a surface can prevent one from breathing. It can even damage larynx and in worst case scenario, brake the neck."

Arthur felt like ice was being poured into his heart. Hunith inhaled sharply next to him and Arthur had to repeat in his mind 'Merlin is safe, he is with Gaius' many times before he could again concentrate. By then the discussion had turned to the cut on Merlin's back.

There was a picture of Merlin's shoulder, the bandage removed. It didn't look as bad as it had looked when Arthur had cleaned it, but he knew it still hurt and seeing it reminded him of that. "I see it highly disturbing that nor did the predator stop, when Merlin was bleeding, but he continued and the only first aid was an attempt, a very poor attempt to stop the bleeding. Sexual activity, the fright, high stress and pain together with bleeding could have caused a shock." There were some new pictures, Merlin's fallen chair and the shirt Merlin had wore, stained with blood. Hunith raised her hand in front of her mouth. Arthur saw her holding back tears. He wished she would cry so Arthur didn't have to, but she didn't and soon Arthur had to wipe his eyes on his sleeve.

He barely lightened when Iseldir asked about Merlin's weight and Freya told how unhealthy that was. How the predator had surely noticed that because even if it showed unusually little from Merlin's face, seeing him naked didn't leave much to think about. Merlin had been malnourished and close of really being in danger because of it. Iseldir also pointed out that he had interviewed the maid who was responsible of cleaning Merlin's room and she had told that when she had first found traces of vomit, she had not thought much of it, but when it had become a regular occurrence, she had told her employer, Uther Pendragon and he had told it was nothing and that he would take care of it. There was a picture of Merlin from neck to waist and looking at the bruise on Merlin's side didn't help Arthur to stop the water from squeezing itself out from his eyes. It just looked so horrible. Arthur hoped, from the bottom of his heart that he had not inherited his father's tendency to violence. He could never live with himself if he ever caused damage like that to anyone.

After Iseldir had thanked Freya, Aredian tired to belittle everything they had seen and he even asked if Merlin had been evaluated by a psychiatrist. He had vomited and cut himself and he didn't think it was unreasonable at all to ask if most of the damage had been caused by himself. Freya looked at Aredian like she was askin if he was stupid and Arthur saw a fire inside of her that he found he liked very much.

"Most of the damage we have seen today would have been impossible to cause to oneself. I have an analysis of the bleeding patterns written by our forensic doctor that I have sended to you, but even I can tell that strangling oneself is quite impossible." Aredian didn't even bat an eyelash, but he didn't argue either. "Still you recommended a psychiatric help for Merlin, is that correct?" He asked instead, but Freya didn't falter. "Yes, as I am instructed to for every victim of a crime that need my help. It is not for evaluating the victim, but to give them all the help they might need to recover."

That was kind the end of that. Aredian was out of things to do. He obviously tried at least to keep up a facade that the sentence had been false and that an innocent man was being punished for the sake of appearance, but he could do nothing to prevent Uther going down, that much was clear.

After Freya had left, the judge asked if they were going to hear another witness or not. At this Arthur perked up and he saw Aredian take a posture that suggested that he was done and ready to leave himself. "Yes, your honour, we will." Iseldir said calmly and the judge nodded. "There was quite a lot of confusion along the way. May I ask why?" she continued and now Arthur was curious too.

"The witness was undecided and unsure, but she is here now and I would like to ask in a person who can tell us that this was not the first offence of Uther Pendragon."

It felt like the time had slowed down and when Arthur looked at his father, he saw something he had never seen. His father was scared.

A slender woman with black hair and long black dress stepped out of the same room Freya had disappeared just minutes ago. Even if Arthur had already guessed who the witness was going to be, he had to actually hear the name before he could recognise her.

"Morgana Pendragon, please, tell us what you told me yesterday." Iseldir said. Morgana's eyes were cold with hate and loathing. Her once beautiful black curls were now in a messy dreads and she had far more makeup Arthur thought looked good. He black dress looked a bit worn and not meant to look beautiful in the beginning with. She stood tall and her heels clicked when she walked. Uther Pendragon looked scared and… betrayed. Like his children were letting him down and not the other way around, Arthur realised.

"When I was 15, I learned that I was not a child of the woman I had alway thought was my mother. My _dear father_ had had a fling and he had taken me in, never telling me or my brother anything about it. His fateful wife, who was kind enough to take me in, died giving birth to my half brother, Arthur. When I was 14, that man who dared to tell me he loved me, started to touch me in a way I didn't like nor understand at that age. When I told him at my 15th birthday that I didn't want him to touch me anymore, he pushed me to a wall and told me that I had no saying on the matter. I was a daughter of a whore who had left me to him and he had been kind enough to raise me."

The way Morgana said 'my dear father' sounded more like poison dripping from her mouth rather than words. As she continued her voice kept growing louder and angrier. "He made me stay at home, he made me cut ties with my friends and he made me suck his dick every time he was not pleased with me. And I made sure he was never pleased with me. He told me to behave and I told him to go suck his own dick." There was a bitter madness in Morgana's eyes that made Arthur's skin crawl. "I even kissed a girl once just to make him mad. He hit me for that." Arthur saw the scene play in front of his eyes. Yes, there had been a girl. Someone blond and… no Arthur couldn't remember very well.

"After that he raped me. He told me it was for my own good. To get me realize that it was better with a man." Morgana made a sound that sounded like a mockery of a laugh. "I believe that the term is 'a corrective rape'."

There was a small pause and during that Morgana saw Arthur. She looked him straight in the eye before she turned her gaze away and continued. "After that I set him up with my friend. We loaned her father's video camera and I provoked my _dear father_ to rape me again. I showed him a copy of the video and I told him that if he didn't pay my tuition, living and well, let say 'generous' pocket money, I would send the video to the press. My apologies, father, I promise I will burn the tape after this. After all, I don't need it anymore." Her tone was mocking and bitter. This was what Arthur had been afraid off. It had also happened to his sister. Or half sister, as he had just learned, but that didn't make any difference in his mind. To him Morgana was his sister he had known years ago and the way she had looked at him… He would have to talk to her after this. To appologize if nothing else. He couldn't let her go this time.

The judge cleared her throat "I have to ask, miss Pendragon, you were not willing to press charges, is there a reason for that?" Morgana flung her hair to her shoulder and looked at the judge "I have been paid well for my troubles and it seems that my _dear father_ has a pattern and now I get to see him punished for that. I have had my reward of coming all the way here." She smiled in a way that would have made a weaker person run. "I see… Is there any questions for ms. Pendragon?" The judge asked but Iseldir seemed happy with what he had got and Aredian had nothing to say to her. He made one final show to make Uther sound not guilty and the witness unreliable but when Iseldir gave the judge one last evidence back with a memory stick and stated that the movie Morgana had filmed was in whole in that stick, the final nail had been hammered to Uther's coffin.

The judge concluded the hearing by finding Uther Pendragon guilty on all charges and granting Hunith her divorce and Arthur's and Merlin's custody. Uther would sit in a prison for a long time and he would have to pay a large compensation for Merlin, his mother and Arthur. They had won and now they could go home.

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A/N Yes! The legal proses is now behind me! Finaly! It was a bit painful to write, to be honest. All the time I wanted to have more information and it really pains me that I was not able to get all the information I would have wanted. So, do not take this as a sample of real trial, I have used laws from here and there and used some imagination just for the sake of drama. For example if Arthur was going to stant as a witness, he wouldn't have been able to sit in the trial and listen everything Merlin said... He would have waited in a separate room like Morgana did.

Morgana, yes, she is finaly here! I have to say I'm waiting for few more reviews I normaly get ;) So many have asked me about her beforehand. And before anyone asks, yes, she will appear again :)

I have had some crazy days at work and seriously, you who have reviewed me are the only thing at times that had kept me from just buying a bottle of wine and opening Netflix... I still have two weeks before my university starts and until then I'm slave to my job. Even after that I actually have to work at least two nights a week to keep my head above my rent... Ok, I'm complaining, sorry. My point was that I really enjoy every review and that your effort really warms my heart :) I can have the same good feeling from you guys than from entertainment and I really, truly thank you all for your kind words, ideas and speculations, I love to read those :) Have a nice day and see you soon!

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EDIT! ...? What on earth happened?! I uploaded this chapter almost two days ago and well, I went to sleep and then to work and I checked if I had gotten reviews and I had gotten some, so I was just happy that I would have something nice to read when I get home. Then I went to another work and then I slept. So now that I woke up, I started to read them and I noticed that they weren't for this chapter. I also got one review that asked me to update soon. It was very nicely phraced, but my thought was like '...but I just updated?' So, I looked a bit better and I noticed that this chapter's statics said it had zero views... I was very much confused. I logged out and seached my story from ff and it turned out, this chapter was not there. So I'm now uploading it again. If it's now here twice, I will erase the other. So, I'm sorry for the confusion!

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mersan123 I'm so happy that you liked Susan! And that Aida reminded you of your actual daughter :) I added the muffins just because you told me you bake them, I actually made that scene mostly based on the info you gave me :) Gwaine may seem like he has no care of the world or sense of what is the right way to aproatch things, but he does have a very definite sense of moral. Drinking is alright, but not when it's clearly for distracting oneself from things that should be addressed. He has done that himself and is not proud of that... The trial was not easy to even write. I hope I was able to write it well enough... but truly those kind of things are stressing in every way possible. After this, we will get to some lighter times. I hope you will enjoy them :)

Chibi . warlock Now _I_ want muffins too... I wish I could bake muffins... But I'm happy that you liked that scene, even if it was a bit filler in between ;)

GuestChacha Talent, genius... those are not words I have associated with myself, but thank you :) I'm flattered. You quessed right, Uther would have tried to speak to his son amog other things, but Aredian (not very) kindly adviced to keep his mouth shut. For Merlin getting cold, I meant like indoors temperature cold, like when it's about 18 celsius inside and you feel cold but there is no danger of getting any serious effects really. So no worries, Merlin is alright in that sense :) About the surnames, I think at that period of time only nobles had surname, the comon folk were adressed with one name and maybe with some kind of ending like 'someone's son' or 'of the place he was born' like 'Hunith's son' or 'of Ealdor'. People use Emrys in fanfiction as a surname because it was the only other name we ever saw in the show to addres Merlin. I have avoided that because it's not actually his surname, its original mening is 'the immortal one'. It was very interesting what you said about reviewers and I have to agree, it's not like I'm a professional writer and this is very different from actually bublishing something. Here I can modify my story as I go based on comments and I don't have to make a complite story before bublishing. That is so nice and I really value your comments. Thank you again for them all :)

Skypeoplephoenix732 I often feel lazy like that, circling around something, especially if I'm heading to other way, feels so taxing... climping over something feels easier in comparation even if t might take more time and might get me dirty or whatever, I still do it... I'm simple like that. It is so tragic that there are people feeling like that and I think it's one big side of these kind of crimes, the victim feels that they are tainted or dirty or at fault for much longer than the actual crime lasted... My happy ending includes some serious healing on this aspect even if it won't be complite... You just gave me a new disturbing image of you consuming a chocolate filled dettybear. Thanks for that...

Angel Dove1 I guessed it was you, but thanks for telling :) I dug a lot of humour of those 'girl' jokes in the original series, I have a very simple sense of humour... I actually told myself the same thing about Gwaine and Percy that you did :D But even after that I kind of made a change that would have corrected that on slip up... I wonder if you remember what that was... ;D (It will be mentioned later again...) Great that you liked the last chapeter, It was indeed a filler, one day took a whole chapter and all... but I kind of wanted to show the anxiety and well, i wanted to write something lighter at this point. I'm a bit selfish that way... It is so sad that Merlin continues to think himself asd something dirty, but that feeling follows. A very long time. It will take a lot of time to see himself how people arond him react and slowly it will chnage his way of seeing himself. It helps that he has seen how someone who doesn't know him reacted. In his mind, Susan had no reason to sugarcoat anything, so she must have been honest with her way of reacting. It's also important to entablish their relationship to the outide world, it helps to entablish it in their own minds too. (sorry for the preatching by the way...) I'm so happy that you liked Aida, she will appear later, I hope you will find that scene cute too :) You are right, Merlin is brave, but some of that being able to go out alone is because 'outside' has never been the threat for Merlin nor being alone. His conscious brain told him that it was dangerous to go outside alone, but when few days passed and his feelings started to suffocate him, it was quite logical thing to do, to get out. I really love your comments, just to let you know :) I have done my best to keep Arthur depending on Merlin, it would have been too easy to let Merlin just be the one in need of comfort, but really, that would not be healthy. In my opinion, letting one in any relationship be the one who constantly needs support and the other be the one who always supports the other, there will be unbalance that will cause one to feel tired and one to feel weak and failed as a human being, being one who cannot stand on their own feet... I wanted to make their relationship a good one. You summed up so well what Arthur was feeling! I hope I managed to write the them well in this chapter too :)

Insanereviewer I know all about the first few weeks of semester with a new class, so no worries :) I hope you are doing well and you have nice class with nice parents! I'm so glad that the legal prosess is now behind me! i don't have to try to sound like I know about it anymore... I hope it seemed close enough till the end :P I hope not many have taken it too seriously, as you said, this is fiction and well, if this was a real book, I would have done actual reseach and called to maybe to some lawyers and interviewed them or something, but for a fanfiction... maybe no even if I'm highly interested at this point. I wish I had a friend in the deartment.. anyway, So nice that you still like Percy :) About Merlin going to Gaius, it really is better. Being with Gwen and Elyan especially alone... that would have been painfull for all of them. If Arthur had been there, he could have spend some time with Gwen and Elyan and Merlin could have lingered around so he wouldn't have been alone (I wouldn't leave him alone at home for such a long time with nothing else to do but worry...) but with no need to try to be social, but even then going to Gaius was better opinion I think :) Someone recomented me the Law and Order, but I can't find it from my country (maybe I could buy it, but I don't want to buy tv-series I have not seen at all...) I could have really used that... About jury... you might have noticed that I just didn't mention it much in this chapter. That is because we have a different system here and I have no idea how jury really works... :P You had very good points about this chapter in your review, I hope I met your expectations :) yeah, going out dd goo for Merlin, sometimes we need just some fresh air and space to move to get ourselfs to function. Especially in this kind of situation. Going ou as he pleased was also something he wasn't able to do in Uther's house, so testing his old limits and learning to trust that he has the freedom he deserves now is also an important thing to do. About Aida... I have read a lot of books, fiction, comics... you name it with very un-childlike children and I did my best to make Aida to seem like an actual child. I actually made her six because I have taught mostly seven and eight years olds so that age group is something I'm very familiar with. Still I don't have my own children nor any of my relatives are at that age so I have very little experience of how children behave at home... so I'm happy that you compared her to someone you actually know :) Your reaction to the favourite colour thing was very interesting, I did indeed add it because I wanted to bring up this way how much Merlin had lost of himself. Every kid has a favourite colour and even if it's not that important maybe for boys at that age anymore, it's still so close that it's not something many just forget that existed... Yeah, Arthur is more I-have-already-decided-so-it's-like-this kind of guy. He knows he's not dangerous for children, so he hadn't even thought about the posibility of Merlin feeling like that, so good thing Merlin opened his mouth and spoke him mind without botlling it up first :) Also Hunith... I want her to do the right thing now that I don't need to write her missing things for the sake of the plot anymore... :P If she had kept Arthur's and Merlin's relationship a secret, eventually it would have made troubles. In many way and one being that it would have strengthened the believe that this part of him was something shamefull and needed to be kept hidden for Merlin. Yep, Gwaine thinks drinkin a bit it harmless or even a good thing, but he didn't want Merlin to drink for his anxiousness. Let's see how drunk he will get Merlin when they can finaly celebrate though... ;) It was so much fun to use the word cretin, so thank you for giving it to me :) So great you liked Merlins comment on Arthur's guestions! It makes me happy :) Again your analysis on Merlin's feelings is spot on, maybe we think alike because we are both teachers? Just a thought :) Aaaand, Morgana! Now, I want all your crazyest theories! Bring it on! And comments. If I don't get comments of Morgana _I_ will start to pount!

Guest Hi! That was very nicely phraced way to tell that you like my story and want more :D I really liked it and Thank you, for maybe if not for your comment, it would have takem more time d´for me to find out that I had screwed up posting this chapter... I hope you liked the chapter!

Kao No worries, as it turned out, I was late too... I just don't get along with computers... I'm sorry to say that I still couldn't make the links work, I tried to replace all the spaces you had left with dots and I tried to just erase them, but it didn't work. I also Googled it but I couldn't find them thatway either. i'm sorry for the long scene, but we will get more Merlur in the future, so just hang in there :) Also now you can just enjoy the rest of the story with no my poor attempts to write legal stuff :P Oh God, months of this... no, I'm not writing that! This was long enough as it was... I hope not many were bored... Gwen, we will see Gwen quite soon :) You are right, Merlin copes better when everyone around him are acting normaly. That was why he needed to get out in the last chapter. He has actually coped Uther because everyone were acting normal around him (because they didn't know...) and he is used to that. he is not used to everyne stressing and fusing around him... The psychiatric thingy was the part I somehow erased and so it never happened... it was still mentioned that Freya did suggest it and well, I left it to Merlin to decide and at least for now he doesn't want that, so... It's not a mandatory thing. At hear at least it's not. Also I could have written at least three chapters worth of phsychiatrist and the meetings and medications.. but I passed. I'll mention the theme at some point, but I decidid not to go there this time. I hope this annoyingly long court scene didn't feel too painful for you, I promise some Merthur in the next chapter!


	40. Chapter 40 - Eat, sleep, party!

When Arthur stood up from the bench, his legs were shaky. When Morgana had left the room, Arthur had wanted so much to just follow her, or shout her to wait for him, but he hadn't. He wasn't sure exactly why not, he had gone against so many things that had been a must or not possible in his life lately, so why not this? He couldn't let his sister go, not like this, not again.

Soon Percy and Elena took a hold of Uther's shoulders and let him out of the room. Arthur caught his eyes one last time and he saw defeat. He had looked disappointed and angry at Arthur, but he guessed that seeing Morgana had been what really broke his spirit. He couldn't understand it, not really, but in that small moment Arthur saw emotions laid bare on his father's features. Still he felt no pity or sense of loss. What he had lost, was the image he had had of his father and he would not miss this person who his father had turned out to be. By the last look in Uther's eyes, Arthur knew his father could see that too.

After the door closed behind his father, Arthur looked around the courtroom and he saw many emotions. Gwaine looked like he needed to get out of here soon so he could all out cheer and shout. It seemed he still had that much sense of time and place that he didn't do that here. Leon looked satisfied and he had this brilliant smile on his face. Uther's colleagues looked sour and stressed, but to Arthur it seemed they didn't care much what Uther had done, more like they were upset that he had been caught. All his life Arthur had known that he would have a seat in his father's company. Career reserved for him and no doubt high salary and future that might even include inheriting it all. It had never held much appeal for Arthur in the first place, it had been just one more thing he had thought he would have to just do and even if he knew that door was closed forever now, he really didn't mind. It was almost a relief.

When Arthur got an eye contact to Gwaine, he waved him to come to him for he didn't want to rush Hunith who looked like she needed a minute before she could stand up. Gwaine came and congratulated them again, but Arthur was in a bit of a hurry. "Can I see Morgana?" he asked in a rush. Gwaine blinked, but seemed to understand. "You can… but only if she has waited for you. She was free to go immediately and there is a back door in the waiting room…"

"Oh…" Arthur lowered his gaze. He felt utterly disappointed. Morgana had never answered his text message and Arthur was sure she had not waited for him. But when Hunith had found some strength to stand up and they had walked slowly to the door, Arthur saw Morgana, leaning to the wall just outside off the court room. "I'll show you where the restrooms are." Gwaine said immediately to Hunith and it seemed she got the message because she immediately agreed and told Arthur she would wait by the front door.

"Morgana…" Arthur called his sister softly as if he was careful not to scare her away. Morgana looked up and for a second there, she looked sad, but then her face hardened."Well well, long time no see, little brother." She said with a sneer. Arthur had no idea what to reply to that. He knew nothing about this person in front of him and now he knew, that he had not actually known since his big sister had been fourteen. That was… eight years ago.

When Arthur didn't answer, Morgana's eyes soon shifted to follow Hunith down the hall. "So is that the poor woman who married our dear father? I got the impression that he raped a boy this time. That is so rich!" Morgana laughed at Arthur's face and he found the anger that he had not been able to let out during the court. "Don't speak of them like that." He said with a low, dangerous voice. Morgana looked at him first curiously and then with anger that rivalled his own.

"So it seems you care about them even if you didn't care about me." Her voice was bitter and her eyes held hate that Arthur had never seen directed to him. "Morgana, I didn't know!" Arthur had to make her understand. "How could you not know?!" Morgana shouted sounding now like she was again the sister Arthur had known, begging for help, asking why nobody cared, but Arthur didn't have any answer for that. It was the question he had waited Merlin to ask from him and he had asked from himself for so many times. When he didn't reply, Morgana's eyes hardened once more and she turned to leave and Arthur found his voice again. "What happened Morgana? I thought that we were friends?" He knew he sounded desperate but he didn't care. He couldn't let Morgana walk out on him.

Morgana stopped and turned back to him, standing tall and looking down on him. "As did I, but alas, we were both wrong." She turned again but she could only take one step before Arthur practically yelled at her back "You can't blame for our father's sins!" and he knew it was true. He himself didn't blame himself, not anymore. He wasn't like Uther. He had proved that to himself today.

"It's a little late for that…" Morgana hadn't turned around but she had stopped and her voice held more sadness that hate, but then it changed again and Morgana spun around her hair flying all over the place making her look like a witch. "You have made it perfectly clear what you think of me! You are not as different from Uther as you'd like to think!" Her words hurt Arthur and he couldn't help but shot back "Nor are you." Morgana looked like Arthur had just hit her and she took a step back. She was furious.

"You! I hope whatever Uther was caught on was done to _you!_ " She spat the words waiting Arthur to start yelling at her, like when they had fought when they had been younger, but what Arthur had learned today weighed him down and he just found his anger crumble inside of him. He couldn't hope it had happened to him instead, but living with the knowledge of what had happened to those he loved… His face twisted with sadness and pain and he had to press his eyes with his hand in order of not to cry "I don't…" He breathed out with a quiet voice. His tone stopped everything Morgana had been planning to do or say. She stepped again closer to Arthur and when Arthur let his hand fall to his surprise Morgana was looking at him her eyebrows furrowed. Almost like she was worried. Like she cared. "It shouldn't have been Merlin. Nor you. No body…" He said looking Morgana in her eyes.

It took a moment, but then Morgana sighed and let her shoulders drop. "No." She agreed and Arthur felt hope that they could talk it out. "We are going to eat… would you like to come with us?" He asked hopefully but Morgana's face hardened again. "I'm leaving with the next train. I'm not going to stay in this city a minute longer than I have to."

Arthur felt disappointed and desperate to keep Morgana talking to him, but he had nothing else he could think to say. Morgana again turned to leave but she didn't move forward. "But if you happen to visit my university town… you can call. I might answer." With that she walked off leaving Arthur there, but Arthur felt slow relief bloom in his chest. If Morgana was willing to talk to him, they could maybe have a relationship again.

Morgana had barely turned a corner when Arthur's phone vibrated in his pocket. It was an unknown number and there was a text with just a number on it. Nothing more, nothing less. Arthur smiled and looked out from a window on his right side. The sun was shining through clouds and Arthur felt that all the colours were brighter today than they had been yesterday.

* * *

Hunith was waiting Arthur just outside the huge doors looking worried, but when she saw Arthur's smile, she relaxed immediately. She felt so much grief it hurt and the disgust and anger she now had towards the man she had married was tearing her apart, but she would live on. She could do that if he could see Arthur and Merlin happy and well again.

On their way to the car Arthur told Hunith briefly how he had gotten Morgana's number and Hunith was happy to hear his excitement to call her maybe tomorrow. The walk was short and the moment they had both sat down, it felt like a bubble had been burst. They both felt everything they had heard and seen in the trial fall on their shoulders and the air felt thick of regret and anger and the need to say something, but there was just too much to know from where to start.

Arthur tried to start the car, but his hands felt too heavy and his mind foggy and he let his hands fall on his sides. For all his life Arthur had thought his house had been the safest place in the world. Silent and lonely, but very much safe, but what had he known? In that house not one but two teenagers had been raped and violated mentally and physically. Arthur's heart hurt for his sister and they way she had looked… that was the person his beautiful sister had turned to be because of their father. And Merlin… what could have happened to him if Arthur hadn't found out even when he had? Would he also have turned to bitter, angry shadow of his kind and intelligent self. Could that still happen?

Suddenly Arthur remembered Freya's words. Merlin could have died… Arthur shuddered and he ran his hand across his face. He leaned to his seat and tried to breath. Merlin could have died. If not to a broken neck, then to hunger or maybe to bleeding… He remembered the talk of self harm and Freya's words of how blood loss could have caused a shock… When _had_ Merlin cut himself? Arthur remembered the ugly scar on Merlin's thigh and now he was sure he knew where that had really come from, but when? He knew when he had first seen it, but it had grown since then and it had looked more than one scar when Arthur had showered Merlin, so at least after that. Suddenly Arthur was extremely glad that Merlin was not alone at the moment.

When Arthur got enough willpower to look at Hunith, she was looking at him, worried, tired and also leaning to her seat. It took Arthur a while to open his mouth to say "Sorry… I just wasn't expecting it to be so…" He said more to just say something. He couldn't talk about any of what had happened before he could see Merlin. His Merlin, safe and alive. Hunith nodded slowly. "Yes… my baby…" She gasped and tears started to fall from her eyes.

"I'll never forgive him…" Arthur told Hunith in a quiet voice. He hoped this would be the last time he would ever have to acknowledge out loud that he had a father. Hunith wiped her eyes and smiled a small, sad smile at Arthur "Me neither." she said with small and sad voice. Arthur realised that he had given Hunith a permission to openly hate his father. That was good. Hunith could tell him as much as she wanted how despicable man his father was. Arthur didn't care. It actually felt good to share the hate that had again started to swirl inside of him. This way, maybe it would settle eventually.

They spend few minutes just staring outside of the front window in silence. It calmed Arthur and he was just going to start the car when suddenly Hunith laughed softly. Arthur turned to look at her questioningly. Hunith just smiled at him her eyes glittering. "You can keep your car now."

It took a little while, but when Arthur got the meaning. He also had to smile. "And you can pay for our home." It was only fit that Uther would have to do that. "And you can go to study wherever you want." "And you can buy yourself a bed." They spend a good while telling what they could get and what they needed. It was oddly liberating. That they had really won was sinking in with every new thing they came up with and even if it was hard to think this as a victory, at least they had survived it and that knowledge made the tension lessen and the future open for Arthur almost in the way he had thought it would. Finally Arthur said "I could buy Merlin a gift…" He expected Hunith to say something, but at that she just smiled and Arthur blushed.

"You are not mad at me for wanting to be with Merlin?" He had to ask even if he kind of knew the answer. He just wanted to make sure after what they had seen. Hunith rose her hand to put it on Arthur's shoulder gently. "I wouldn't wish for a better man for my child. Please, take good care of him for me." She said and Arthur beamed at her. "I will!" Hunith stroked Arthur's shoulder with her thumb and seemed to hesitate for a moment "Just… you can wait, right? I mean… what we saw…" Hunith might have wanted to continue but Arthur got what she was saying already and he blushed furiously.

"Don't worry! I won't do anything!" He quickly denied. Hunith looked at him a tiniest bit amused. "Just go with your own pace… I trust you." Those words meant the world for Arthur and even thought he was highly uncomfortable of the topic and the combination of his own disgust on the topic at the moment was not pleasant, he managed to smile and nod and then he rushed to change the subject. "I'll call Merlin now… " and he took his phone to do just that as fast as possible.

Hunith again rested her head to her seat. She was tired and she kind of hoped the boys would go to Gwaine's so she could collapse alone. She didn't want to worry her boys so she had to be brave in their presence, but she knew she needed to cry and yell to her pillow and preferably use every curse she knew and direct them to her husband. Her ex-husband, she thought and that gave her the smallest of satisfaction. She heard Arthur tell Merlin how they had won and that they would talk more after they were home. Hunith heard the gentle tone Arthur used and she really was happy that they had each others. She briefly felt an old pain, she wished she could still have Balinor by her side.

The ride felt to take forever for Arthur. He wanted to see Merlin, to feel him in his arms… He just had to remind himself that this was real, that Merlin was his and not Uther's and that he was alive and well. They had barely parked when Arthur practically ran to Gaius' door. They must have been waiting ready, because Gaius opened the front door with jacket on and Merlin was also ready. Arthur didn't even bother to greet Gaius when he pushed past him and hugged Merlin with all his might.

Merlin blinked once, twice and he had no idea of what to do. He glanced at Gaius and saw him looking at the scene amused. Merlin blushed. "Arthur… umm…could you maybe let go?" Arthur shook his head against Merlin's shoulder and just tightened his hug. At this point Merlin put his hands on Arthur's shoulders and pushed "Arthur! Seriously… I'm hungry." That usually worked, but now Arthur didn't budge and Gaius started to laugh softly at the scene. Merlin couldn't see his mother's face but he was highly embarrassed and still nervous of what had happened.

Still, Arthur's strong grip didn't feel intimidating, just stubborn and in a way almost too comforting. Had they been alone in their room, Merlin knew he would have hugged back and let the realisation that Arthur was still there make his legs jelly and just let Arthur hold him. But they were not and Merlin was too aware of how out in the open they were right now to really focus on anything else that the embarrassment that someone could see them like this caused. "You prat, hands off. Now!" Merlin didn't sound mad or scared just annoyed and embarrassed and that made Arthur feel like crying out of relief. Merlin really did trust him.

However, Arthur just sighed dramatically and finally let go of Merlin and greeted Gaius who mumbled something about youth and their manners with good humour. Merlin huffed and followed them to the car. Arthur didn't let him be even ten centimetres apart from him and Merlin felt awkward in his mother's presence but she just smiled at him sadly. Hunith also hugged Merlin when he was next to the car. At that point Arthur at least didn't linger around, but climbed to the car after opening the front door for Gaius. Hunith looked so sad that it broke Merlin's heart. He had been afraid of his mother would be mad and disgusted with him. He had been afraid she wouldn't want to see him ever again and many other things, but this- this sorrow he had not prepared himself for.

"Mom… it's alright." he tried and wiped some tears from her eyes with his thumbs. Hunith looked at him in the eyes and tried to smile but it trembled on the edges. "My child… what has he done to you…" Merlin shook his head a little. It was hard seeing his mother like this but at the same time he felt loved. He hugged his mother softly and Hunith returned the hug. Her eyes closed and she could smile against her son's shoulder. She pulled back and put her hands on Merlin's cheeks and tilted his head to kiss his forehead. Merlin was still few centimetres shorter than her, but she knew he would soon overgrow her. But just for now, she would still think of him as his little boy and she would be there for him from now on.

They sat on the back seat and Merlin felt strangely relaxed. Like he had been tense for a week and now he was finally letting go. He held his mother's hand unknown to him that Arthur had held it exactly the same way in the court and Hunith found herself smiling again. The boys were her strength and pride. She needed to do more for them. She would.

The place Gaius suggested was close and it was a nice family restaurant. The atmosphere was nice and it smoothed the edge of their uneasiness and anxiousness. After they had ordered with much more energy and humour Arthur had thought possible just twenty minutes ago, ("Merlin, if you are even considering this light salad with seasonal vegetables, I'll personally stuff my fries down your throat." "Doesn't that mean that I would get salad and fries?") Arthur started to tell them briefly what had happened. He concentrated on what the sentence had been and how Morgana had come to witness and how he had been able to get her number.

"What do you say Merlin, let's go visit her some weekend?" He looked more happy and hopeful than Merlin had seen for days and he felt happy in a way that had nothing to do with himself but everything to do with Arthur. "Me? You would take me with you to see your sister?" He was surprised of the idea and Arthur blushed a little trying to think if he had said something funny. "Just if you want to…" Merlin glanced at his mother who smiled softly and nodded. Merlin looked a bit shy but answered "Yeah, lets go some weekend…" even if he wasn't sure if he wanted to go anywhere in the near future. Arthur grinned happily at his reply just when the food came.

The food was good and the portions were big. Merlin in no way could eat it all, but he tried his best which made his mother and Arthur smile fondly and even Gaius looked pleased at his appetite. That made Merlin feel a bit self conscious. Did they really have to stare him eating like that? It wasn't like he had stopped eating or something…

For Merlin's relief, soon the conversation started to flow nicely and Hunith concentrated on talking with Gaius. She was very interested on how Merlin had met Gaius and Merlin blushed when Gaius told how Merlin had saved his life. It didn't feel that much to Merlin, he had just helped to stabilise a ladder and with his strength that wasn't much… but the look Arthur gave him spoke of admiration and pride and Merlin had no will to correct Gaius after that. He felt selfish for that, but he told himself that if he didn't say anything he wasn't exactly lying and he took the praise in feeling just slightly guilty.

Arthur finished his food way before Merlin and when Merlin couldn't eat anymore, he started to help Merlin with his portion by lazily picking this and that from the plate with his fork. Merlin didn't mind at all. It was strange but nice and somehow he really felt that they were dating when Arthur did that.

Merlin was just cutting himself a definitely the last piece of chicken when a very friendly waiter came to their table, placed his hands on Gaius' and Merlin's shoulders and asked with a bubbling voice "How was everything so far?" or at least he was supposed to when Merlin's hand slipped and his cutleries made a screeching sound against his plate. The waiter made a sudden movement when he was startled by the sound, Merlin flinched and the cutlery along some of his food fell from his hands. He would have swatted the waiter's hand off if the waiter hadn't stepped back already so instead Merlin covered his ears and closed his eyes.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to startle you!" The waiter was horrified and apologised to left and right as he kneeled to pick up the fallen cutlery. Merlin had opened his eyes again very conscious of where he was and with who and he tried to relax his hands, but that took some more time. He managed to do that just when the waiter rose up again with some pieces of food and Merlin's cutlery. "I'm truly sorry, were you still eating? I can get you another one…" Merlin hadn't been hungry for a half a portion now and he couldn't even think of eating when he felt his adrenalin hum in his ears so he shook his head. He felt the foreign touch on his skin like a crust that needed to be shaken away, but he suppressed the urge to rub his shoulder to get rid of the feeling.

"It's alright. I was finished anyway…" The waiter looked relieved and he collected their plates and walked quickly back to the kitchen. Merlin didn't dare to look at anyone in his table and he fiddled a corner of the table cloth with his fingers. Hunith was torn of wanting to say something and hug Merlin but she had no idea of what to say and she was unsure if Merlin wanted anyone to touch him right now so she kept still even if she wanted just to hug his son and shield him from the world. His reaction wasn't normal fright someone would have. It showed just how scared Merlin had been and what touch could mean to him. It felt almost a miracle to her that Merlin could still be like he was with Arthur.

Arthur glared daggers to the door the waiter had just disappeared through. He had almost snarled at him not to touch Merlin but Merlin's reaction had silenced him and made him concentrate solely on Merlin. He had seen Merlin a couple of times like this. He shut down and tried to make himself small and the look in his eyes… Arthur would never get used to it. It wasn't right that anyone would have to fear so much. Crimes like this had been always as far as possible from Arthur's life. Or so he had thought. Crimes were something he had seen in news and had heard of but his father had always blamed the victims for getting themselves in trouble and not handling their lives better rather than pitied them. Arthur had just started to understand today how much things like this really affected not just the moment but life in generally in many aspects and also the close ones of the victims. This was the moment Arthur would tell years after when someone asked him when he had decided what he would do when he grew up.

"Merlin, there is some salad in your hair. Do something about it." He said still annoyed with the waiter but determined to end this silence that had fell to the table. Merlin brushed his hair with a slight blush missing the piece of lettuce Arthur was talking about. "Let me. You are making it worse." Arthur said and Merlin let him pick the green frill from his hair. "Now, who wants dessert? I'm going to get one for free for the piece of chicken I was about to eat…" Arthur asked them all and the atmosphere relaxed a notch. Merlin felt incredibly thankful that Arthur was this normal and when Gaius told that he would just take a coffee and Hunith wondered if she could manage one apple pie with ice cream, Merlin could slowly look up again. He mostly felt ashamed with himself when something like this happened and he didn't like pity or patronising or silent worry that tended to happen. He liked it when everyone acted normal and he liked it when Arthur wasn't afraid of him collapsing and just… acted like Arthur. When everyone were acting normal, it was easier for him to return to normal too. Maybe someday he would be normal again… After seeing that both Arthur and his mother had returned to him after the court, he could let himself finally wish that.

"I can share with you… I can't eat a whole one either." Merlin said bit shyly and his mother smiled at him. It felt a bit awkward but Arthur ruffled his hair and when he turned to the same waiter to ask him over he let his hand fall to under the table and he gently touched Merlin's fingers. Merlin automatically turned his hand so it was palm up and Arthur took his hand in his softly. The waiter came to the table and took their orders and promised that he wouldn't charge for Merlin's desert. When he was gone Arthur grumbled that he was the one who was supposed to get the free dessert because he had been almost hit by a fork and even Merlin laughed at that. Merlin's felt warm on the inside and Arthur's hand felt nice where it was. He really was fortunate that Arthur was by his side.

The desert was great and the waiter wasn't as uneasy after Hunith had complimented the food. The waiter looked at Merlin a bit nervously and Merlin felt that he had to say something so he thanked him for the dessert. The waiter smiled at him brightly and apologised once more for his mistake. It felt a bit funny for Merlin that he could affect on someone's mood, but it also made Merlin feel a bit more connected to the world outside.

They all left full and Arthur drove first Gaius to his home and then finally to home. Merlin promised to visit Gaius soon and Gaius told that they were all welcome at any time they wanted. Their new home had never felt more like a home to Arthur than it felt when he walked through its door. He was relieved and happy and he felt like he had just returned from a long journey. He would work hard for his family from now on and he would visit Morgana and hopefully, they could be family once more. Right now, the future held hope and promises for a better life for Arthur.

Arthur looked at Merlin who was taking his shoes off. He looked so precious. Hunith told them she would lie down for a second but first she wanted to know if they were going to Gwaine's party or not. Arthur had totally forgotten the whole party but Merlin didn't seem too surprised. Apparently Gwaine had told him as much already. "I would like to go…" He said and that was that. Arthur nodded and Hunith told them to take a nap and relax before that. Apparently she knew they had not been able to sleep at night.

The boys went to their room and Hunith laid down to the couch in the living room. She was exhausted but felt a bit better than she had hoped. She was deeply disturbed by the court evidence and what she had heard made her angry at herself. Why couldn't she have done differently? In so many aspects of her life. She should have educated herself better when her time had been. She should have had a better job to make Merlin's life easier without a help from a man. She should have never married Uther and she should have noticed… Merlin would have hard times ahead. His reaction to strangers hand and a very casual touch along many other incidents had proved it. The only thing that made her feel better was the thoughts of Merlin chatting with Gaius and Gwaine happily. He was still the same witty Merlin Hunith had always been proud of. And then there was Arthur who seemed to know how to help Merlin better than she did. He remembered what Arthur had told her. 'He will take care of Merlin… and I will be there for them both." she decided. After a while she started to cry silently. She prayed they would make it. They would have to.

* * *

Arthur looked at their bed. He was incredibly tired and stripping just to his underwear and burying himself to their blankets felt very tempting idea, but he wasn't sure if he could wake himself up before tomorrow if he did that now so he turned to look at the couch instead.

After he had promptly thrown himself to half lay, half sit on the couch he looked lazily at Merlin. He was still standing by the door and he looked a bit nervous. Many thoughts started to zigzag around Arthur's brain. He knew now better than ever why Merlin was feeling nervous or anxious or scared, but he still felt that there was so much he shouldn't need to feel. He didn't want this incredibly dear and beautiful person to think he needed to stay away from children or that he needed to hide or that he was somehow wrong.

"Do you want to take a nap?" He asked so the way he was staring at Merlin who was looking at him very cautiously wouldn't turn awkward, but seriously he had no idea of what to do to make Merlin stop looking so vulnerable.

Merlin glanced at their bed and looked a bit unsure. He too looked like the thought was very tempting, but maybe he too was aware that they would need to wake up in hour and a half? "I don't know… " he finally mumbled. Actually he just wanted to be near Arthur and the bed felt too empty to hold much appeal to him even if he was sleepy. His need to feel Arthur was overpowering his need to sleep, but he had no idea how to ask what he wanted for he wasn't exactly sure himself.

Arthur nodded at Merlin feeling that there had to be something he could say. There were still snippets of the trial circling in his head, but at the moment he could look them more analytically in order to find something he could use to figure out what he was supposed to do or say. He had this nagging feeling that there was something… something simple or a least simpler than trying to explain everything he thought or had thought during the trial.

"Would you like to read with me then?" He asked and hoped it wasn't too much. Merlin looked at him and then nodded looking less nervous and Arthur breathed lighter. "Which book do you want?" Merlin asked and walked to their bookshelf. "How about the one we read at the park? The new one?" Arthur suggested even if he didn't remember much of what had happened in it or where they had left.

Merlin nodded and picked it up from the shelve even if he had already finished it without Arthur. He wondered if he should have saved it, if he had done wrong by reading it already, but maybe if he didn't say anything Arthur wouldn't notice anything? It didn't matter to him anyway if he knew what was going to happen if he could sit besides Arthur and it was starting to feel exactly what he had wanted all along.

Merlin sat next to Arthur a bit timidly and Arthur straightened himself in order to make Merlin room and choice to be as far or near as he wanted himself. Merlin wished Arthur would just gather him in his arms so Merlin wouldn't have to say anything himself.

It only took about a minute for Arthur to move his head to just behind Merlin's shoulder in order to see better and Merlin lost all his interest on the book. He had to say something for he needed to be closer to Arthur. He sighed and leaned back so Arthur's head came to rest on his shoulder and handed the book towards Arthur. "You can read, but can I just… be here?" He asked looking in Arthur's eyes to find his answer from there.

Arthur took the book, but didn't continue reading. He kept his eyes on Merlin's before leaning on him pressing their cheeks together briefly. Then he placed the book next to him and wrapped his arm loosely around Merlin's shoulders careful not to touch the wound on his back. Merlin had this faint pink blush on his cheeks and eventually he let himself edge a bit closer to Arthur's chest. He still looked uneasy and he kept fiddling Arthur's sleeve in nervous fashion. This kind of position was not comfortable if they both weren't fully relaxed, Arthur realised. There was supposed to be something to make Merlin feel… something to make him feel lighter and more comfortable and Arthur ragged his brains to shake it out. Something how he felt nice there? Or how he was not dirty? Or how they were safe now?

No… Merlin _would_ have felt very nice there if he wasn't so tense and just barely in his embrace and if he said now that he wasn't dirty, wouldn't that make him just focus on the topic? And he should know they were safe, they were home and they had just had dinner with Gaius and all… Nothing seemed to really fit the way Merlin was kind of hugging him but holding his own body weight so he wasn't exactly leaning on Arthur. He remembered Gaius' advise to stay open and share his feelings, but he had already told Merlin how he felt and it's not like anything had changed in just half a day and… oh.

"I don't think any differently of you…" Arthur said softly feeling slightly silly for not getting it sooner. Merlin snapped his head up and Arthur mustered the most open and gentle expression on his face he could and when he saw Merlin's tension melt, a spontaneous, warm smile spread on his face and he felt a bit proud of himself. Merlin practically climbed to his lap then, snuggling as close to Arthur as he could fit himself and Arthur was more than happy to let him and wrap him to his arms. In a way it was such a simple gesture, a simple hug with nothing else in the background than to be close and feel the warmth of each other, but the vulnerability and security of letting the other so close to not just their body, but their mind also. To feel that the other was really there and not because of anything else than free will liberated them from the feeling that they needed to do this alone. They didn't, they had each others.

There was no need to talk more right now so Arthur just stroked Merlin's hair softly until Merlin yawned. To that he chuckled and murmured softly "You can sleep a bit. I'll wake you when we have to go." even if he was feeling the previous tiredness stronger now that his thoughts had calmed down. Merlin seemed to know this for he looked at Arthur a bit sceptic and a lot amused. "I'll put an alarm on." He said and fished his cell phone from his pocket.

Arthur tried to sound insulted, but when Merlin had placed the phone next to them and closed his eyes, he could just smile. "You are precious." he murmured and kissed the top of Merlin's head. Merlin hummed, but Arthur wasn't sure if he had heard him anymore. It didn't matter though, he could say things like that every day until Merlin would trust them enough not to fear that Arthur would change his mind after hearing what had happened in the past.

Arthur didn't think he had fallen asleep, but he only jolted awake when Merlin moved to reach for his cellphone. He was about to try to claim that he had been awake, but Merlin settled himself back to his original position and pressed the snooze for fifteen minutes. Arthur closed his eyes after Merlin had again placed the phone down. They could be little bit late.

* * *

After two more snoozes, Merlin and Arthur finally decided they had to go. It was already evening and Hunith once again reminded them to be home by ten. She was about to warn them about strangers, but she held her tongue. They were together and she was quite sure Arthur would be so cautious about anyone making their way even near Merlin, that she shouldn't worry. Besides the area was safe and she wanted Merlin to grow comfortable with going out and meeting people and she knew that if she started to warn her son about those exact things, it would do no good.

The streets were empty and in the half way, Arthur dared to take a hold of Merlin's hand. Merlin looked around and was nervous of anyone seeing, but Arthur's hand still felt warm and he let his hand stay where it was. When they saw Gwaine's shop, Merlin started to act nervous. The truth to be told, Merlin had been waiting to get some alcohol and see Gwaine, but now it really hit him that everyone in that party had probably seen him naked in real life or at least in those horrible pictures Uther had taken. Even Arthur.

Arthur didn't seem to notice and there was no way for Merlin to voice his concern. He rang a doorbell that was next to Gwaine's shop saying 'home' on top of a doorbell that said 'store'. The door gave a buzzing sound and Arthur opened the door to the shop. It was a bit weird to be in a shop with all the lights off and nobody in there, but they heard a faint music from somewhere and soon Percy came down to meet them. Merlin knew at what direction Gwaine's apartment was but he had never visited it. He knew it was upstairs of the store and that it was roughly the same size. Percy took one bottle of red wine from one of the shelves and Merlin recognised it to be the same one Gwaine had once sold him and told them to follow him. They stepped to the kitchen where Gwaine had made breakfast for Merlin and through a now open door to a narrow staircase.

Gwaine's apartment was surprisingly clean. Merlin guessed it was more because Gwaine didn't have much time to hang around his apartment more than he liked to clean. It was old building so it was not much of a surprise that the floor was wooden and the ceiling hight, but it gave the apartment a nice feeling. Gwaine had some avant-garde and pop art on his walls and he himself was sitting with laughing Leon on a red sofa. The room they had stepped in was quite big and let to three different directions. One was the very small entrance they had just come from, one supposedly lead to a small kitchen (Merlin guessed from the size of the kitchen below) and one supposedly led to a bedroom. All in all, Merlin found the place stylish and very fit for Gwaine. He would have to ask from where he had learned to style for he himself had a very boring sense of style.

By the look on his face, Gwaine had already had quite a bit of alcohol but he noticed right away Merlin when he stepped in his line of sight. He immediately jumped up and came to pull Merlin in. "Welcome, welcome! Take some food from the kitchen and have something to drink. There should be some more wine… Ah, Percy, my man! I'll take that from you." Gwaine took the bottle of wine from Percy who rolled his eyes and told Gwaine that his accounting would be screwed this month. "If you are not planning to eat the empty bottles, I assure you I can count!" Gwaine shot back to that his eyes laughing.

Merlin soon found himself sitting from the sofa, a glass of wine in his hand and Gwaine sitting so close to him that he had to glance at Arthur to see if this was alright. Arthur didn't seem to mind and he was currently talking with Percy with a plate of food in his hand. "So, Merlin, tell me if I'm good or what?" Merlin looked at Gwaine who was grinning and had raised his glass. Merlin had to think for a while before he realised that he was supposed to click his glass with Gwaine's. He did that and Gwaine grinned at him widely. Merlin hoped that he had realised that sooner.

"I tell you, the court was awful, I could have strangled the defence at any given moment… but it didn't matter. We were too strong and that's thanks to you and Arthur." Merlin listened to this feeling anxious of what had happened in the court and what had been said about him, but at the same time a bit proud that Gwaine was complimenting him and when he started to tell how tall Arthur had stood and how he had stood his ground against one of the most manipulative, word twisting snakes the world of law has ever seen, Merlin felt his heart swell. In a way he felt it easier to be proud of Arthur than himself, but somehow the difference was not that big. Arthur was with him and he thought Merlin was important enough to be loved, so when he heard Arthur being praised, it somehow translated that he was being praised too in a way he couldn't deny or feel unworthy about.

"Don't look so serious, it's a party. Everyone here wants to see you have fun!" Gwaine said after Merlin had just stared at him for a while and patted Merlin's back. Merlin looked around. He saw Arthur still chatting with Percy, Leon who was currently talking with a young woman with short blond hair and Freya who was sitting next to them sipping from his glass of red wine and an elderly man sitting on a corner eating and drinking a beer. Merlin noticed that he looked an awful lot like Gwaine.

"Is that your father?" Merlin asked and Gwaine lazily followed Merlin's gaze "Yeah… Don't let the word spread." Merlin was relieved to find a topic that didn't involve him and he was curious. "Can I talk to him?" he asked and Gwaine laughed at him a little. "Yeah sure, you are one of the few I have told about my crucifying past so go ahead. Hey! Old man! Care to join us?" Gwaine replied and urged his father to join them. Nobody seemed to pay attention. The music (some kind of jazz and big-band music) was not loud but still it dulled the conversation so one could talk without everyone hearing every word.

Gwaine's father rose up and made his way to the sofa. Gwaine was all smile today and his father was clearly cheerful. It seemed that he had been here from the start and had also had some more than that one beer in his hand. "So, you must be Merlin, I'm this good for nothings father, nice to meet you." Merlin took his extended hand and shook it. Gwaine's fathers handshake was firm and his tone suggested that he wasn't entirely serious. Merlin found he liked him a bit already. When Gwaine's father sat down on the other side of Merlin, nevertheless it felt a bit awkward. Merlin knew he was being overly cautious but sitting next to a man he didn't really know (and an older man at that) he felt uncomfortable.

"Nice to meet you too Mr. Mayhawk…" He tried to be polite but his voice was awkward and Gwaine's father grimaced. "Please don't call me that, it makes me feel like my father." Merlin blinked once and turned to look at Gwaine who was also grimacing and he had to snort at his friend's face. So ok, now he understood their relationship much better and the sharpest edge of his tension dulled.

Still when Gwaine's father started to ask questions like how he was doing or if he had already decided what he wanted to do when he grew up, Merlin grew quite conscious of the wine glass in his hand and the fact that he was actually surrounded by police officers. The way Gwaine made snide comments and rolled his eyes now and then kept Merlin relaxed enough, but when Gwaine's father asked if it had been Gwaine who had supplied him with beer (that 'happened' to be Gwaine's favourite brand) Merlin unconsciously edge farther from him, closer to Gwaine. He had no idea how to answer that without causing trouble to himself or Gwaine. Also… there was this authority in Gwaine's father that made Merlin quite a lot anxious.

"Old man, show some tact, you are making my friend uncomfortable." Gwaine complained and put his arm around Merlin's shoulders making Merlin blush. This Arthur noticed and it didn't take more than a blink that Arthur was suddenly standing next to Merlin making Merlin stare at his wine glass. Gwaine removed his hand, held his hands up in surrender and moved to the end of the couch. Arthur however didn't look at Gwaine, but made a move to sit in between Merlin and Gwaine's father and Merlin moved next to Gwaine again. It didn't seem that Arthur was here because he didn't like Merlin being close to Gwaine. That was a relief in a way that Merlin wasn't even sure what would have been wrong if Arthur hadn't liked Gwaine being close to him, but now that there was nothing wrong, Merlin felt a bit giddy and he took his first sip of his wine. It felt warm and something in the taste made him go back to the place inside him that knew how to relax complitely.

"You must be Arthur." Gwaine's father continued like nothing extraordinary had never happened. Arthur nodded and they shook hands. To Merlin it seemed natural and not as nearly awkward as his handshake earlier. He was a bit jealous that he couldn't be as natural as Arthur, but at the same time he felt quite a lot proud to be dating someone who was. Gwaine joked about his father to Merlin never saying any word that could indicate to anyone listening that he was Gwaine's father. Merlin wasn't sure why Gwaine was so cautious of the fact that his father was a head of a police department but he felt proud that Gwaine had shared his secret with him and he enjoyed his company a lot. After half a wineglass later he was able to forget the pictures, the trial and the fact that everyone here had seen them both.

Gwaine's father was currently asking Arthur what he wanted to do when he grew up and Merlin focused on that wanting to know the answer. "I want to be a police." Arthur answered with a clear strong voice making also Percy, who was standing the nearest of them to turn his head. Gwaine's father smiled at Arthur and told him that he would be glad to hire him if he graduated with good grades. Percy also joined the conversation then by stating that Arthur would make a good working partner. Gwaine rolled his eyes and poured himself another glass of wine. "It's a pain in the ass and the salary is a joke. But if you take this old man's chair one day, I'll consider working for you." he said. Merlin was sure that Gwaine was making an excuse for himself more than anything else, but also that he trusted Arthur and he smiled brightly at that.

Arthur noticed this and he had to concentrate not to smile with him too much. "If I would take you… In just a two weeks I have seen you abuse your work and make underaged drink. I'm not sure if you are worth the trouble…" He was obviously joking and everybody laughed but Gwaine made a suffering face "Why I'm always the butt?" He asked dramatically "Because you act like one. And please, don't use the word 'butt'. I swear half of my troubles in life come from the choices of words you make." Percy replied and everybody else than Gwaine laughed. Even Leon, Elena and Freya were listening their conversation now and gathered around the couch.

"Ha. Ha." Gwaine imitated a sarcastic laugh. "I could tell so many stories about you, Percy, that aren't so flattering that you don't even know about… Maybe I should share?" Gwaine asked in an innocent tone making Percy actually blush. The crowd demanded Gwaine to tell more and in the end he told a story of how Percy had picked a lock of a police car once and how they had driven to an empty parking lot where Percy had taught Gwaine to drive. "You should have seen Percy's face! I have never since or before heard such a high pitched scream!" Gwaine demonstrated and Freya and Elena giggled and Leon looked quite amused.

"If any of you have been in a car with Gwaine driving… It was a horror. _Nobody_ thinks it's a good idea to drive over sixty kilometres per hour in a parking lot on their first try!" Percy protested and now Freya looked horrified and Arthur face palmed. Merlin however saw his opportunity to join the conversation "I have been in a car while Gwaine drove… It was alright." earning a comical look from Percy. "Alright, how can we actually know you have met Gwaine and not his less evil twin or something?" Percy (and Leon, Freya and Elena) were currently sitting on the floor and Merlin decided that he definitely was not that scary when he was talking.

"Well, he managed to drive me one block before he suggested that we got some beer?" Merlin said innocently and Percy laughed. It was a sound that Merlin suspected was rare and it made him feel pretty good about himself. "You and I should go to karting sometime." Elena suggested to Gwaine and they fistbumbed. "Definitely!" Gwaine beamed. To Merlin it seemed that he was pretty happy to have some new friends from work. Gwaine was naturally social so he guessed that working alone in the shop could get lonely at times.

"You do know that those cars have a build in GPS, right?" Gwaine's father asked innocently and Gwaine looked at him like this was all new information while Percy muttered something about finding out that about a week later. It was all so nice. Gwaine kept being cheerful and he and Percy occasionally fell to a 'you remember when…/ That was your fault!' bander until Percy noticed Elena smirking at them and started to talk with Leon instead. Gwaine's father was relaxed and it seemed that even if he was boss for most of them, they all knew it didn't matter at the moment. Arthur got along very well with all of them and Merlin found himself just happy to listen while sipping his wine. Even Arthur found himself with a glass of wine at some point. "It's better than beer, but that's not saying a lot…" he commented, but kept sipping from it anyway.

Gwaine had found a photo album somewhere and Percy was currently trying to make him not show something to anyone. Merlin found the whole scene hilarious and even if Percy had stood up and was all but wrestling with Gwaine right next to him, it didn't matter. Percy was still huge but right now, he was far from the stoic figure Merlin was used to. He saw more and more why those two were friends and for some reason he enjoyed seeing it very much.

"You are having a nice time?" Merlin turned his head to see Freya who had just sat next to him. Arthur had gotten up to get some more food. Merlin smiled at her a bit awkwardly. They hadn't seen each other's anywhere else than in the examination room and Merlin was suddenly again very conscious that she had seen him naked. "I'm fine… mm… how are you?" Freya smiled at him a bit shyly. Soon Merlin remembered that he didn't see her as anyone intimidating and after a while their conversation rolled smoothly.

At some point Merlin started to feel a connection between them. Like the one he had with Gwen, but not built with time. More like with something just clicked right. He really hoped they could be friends in the future and he briefly thought that if he was normal, maybe he would want to ask her out. Then he heard a laugh and he glanced to the direction he heard that sound. Arthur was laughing at something Gwaine had said and Merlin felt a rush of happiness. He really was in love with Arthur and he wouldn't change it for the world. Not anymore. As Gaius had told him, there was no 'cure'. He just was in love and there was nothing that could change it right now. This thought was very comforting and Merlin found himself smiling widely. That seemed to relax Freya even further and they had some very interesting and carefree conversations about being a vegetarian (Freya was lacto-ovo) and about living in a county side. It turned out Freya was also from a small village.

At some point of the evening, Gwaine seemed to remember something important "Merlin! I need you to come with me right now!" With that Gwaine dragged Merlin out of his apartment surprisingly fast considering how drunk he was (or maybe he wasn't, Merlin couldn't really tell). Gwaine took him to his shop and took a plastic bag on his way out never letting go of Merlin's wrist. He handed Merlin a new can of cold beer and Merlin opened it while they walked out and around the building. He had never drank more than about one third of a wine bottle at one go and he hadn't exactly planned on drinking more than that tonight either, but he didn't mind at the moment. He just would need to remember to ask Gwaine to give him some gum before he left.

"Now, I want you to know that these are the absolutely last copies." Gwaine stated and gave Merlin a stack of papers while he himself sat down on the ground next to a small tree. There was a garden behind the building Gwaine lived with some playing area for children and all. While Gwaine took some more stuff from the plastic bag, Merlin turned the stack of papers around and found a photo of himself. It was about two years old and he had never seen it in his life, but he knew very well the background that was Uther's living room. He could kind of remember the times he had still sat on that couch looking that carefree and it was a bit painful to think that those times were past now. He knew of course what the rest of the pile would contain and he felt a pang of anger. He looked up from the photo to Gwaine, but when he realised he was building a fire to a one use only grill, Gwaine's words sank in. These were the last copies….

Merlin sat down on the opposite side of the grill from Gwaine and he watched in awe how his friend was stacking some small wood on top of it (that one is not supposed to do…) and not looking at Merlin. The only thing there was to do really, was to feel moved.

Merlin felt a tear run down of his face and then another. He felt pathetic for crying and when he felt water run down his nose he had to sniff which made Gwaine rise his gaze. Merlin immediately regretted the sound he had made but Gwaine just smiled at him "Percy told me how much you loathe these and to tell you the truth, I cried when I saw them too, so lets get rid of them, shall we?" he said and Merlin nodded while wiping the tears away. It was weird how easily he cried nowadays. He wasn't even sad right now, he just felt grateful that he had a friend who had thought something like this for him. Maybe two friends, Percy had made the effort to understand him and tell Gwaine about it. He regretted how he had been afraid of Percy, he was so nice…

Merlin looked again at the stack of pictures. He knew what it would hold inside. Some of it he had seen, but he knew there were many he hadn't actually seen, but he would surely remember the situations when he saw them. It was scary but also… he had a way to get rid of them right away. He could take every memory he had and smash them against the fire that was licking at the firewood Gwaine had obviously picked up from the nearby park or this garden. He could destroy these pictures and nobody would see them ever again.

Merlin took the first picture and lit one corner of it. He looked carefully as the flames turned his laughing face into ash and threw the A4 paper to the girl just when the flames came too close to his hand. Playing with fire like this was nothing new to him, they had heated their home in the village with fire after all.

Picture after picture he burned them methodically, looking at each and every of them. He could feel the time slip from his fingers as he did so. In a way it felt scary and harsh, he was admitting himself that those two years of his life was gone and he could never have them back, but at the same time he was looking at the past and with every picture he placed to the fire, he was also letting go of those times. They were over and they would never come back.

When he looked at Gwaine who was still smiling at him, Merlin knew that now he was surrounded by people who he could trust. None of them would use him the way he had been used and if someone would try in the future, he knew he could go to Gwaine or Gaius or his mother or Arthur or Percy or Leon… he was protected and when Gwaine ruffled his hair over the fire, he also felt that he was worth it. He was worth to be protected.

There were some harder pictures to look at and let go and at times he felt things like when he had first cut himself or the night he came for Uther or when he had thought been strangled, but he kept on burning the pictures and looking at each of them even if he had new tears in his eyes at times. It was when he reached the photo that had been showed in the court that he stopped. Gwaine was still just sitting by quietly and while that had made Merlin feel like he was an anchor for him, now he needed to talk.

"My mother saw this… and Arthur." Gwaine leaned towards the fire and looked Merlin in the eye. "They were shocked and disturbed by it, but not because of you. Because of what had been done to you." He said truthfully, but Merlin just looked more pained. "Why? Why did they have to see something like this?" He asked and Gwaine could understand too well from where he was coming from. "It was not for them… I don't like it either, but it was for the jury and for the judge. I guess that is how it works." He said feeling unsure himself. Someday, Gwaine wished, he would understand why the juristical system was built as it was, but even if he had gotten closer of understanding with this case, he still was not entirely satisfied and certainly not in position to explain it to someone else.

"Then how did it help?" Merlin wouldn't let go and Gwaine knew it. "Well… after they had seen this, no-one really had any good argument to defend him, not even that high paid git. He has a long sentence and you quite a large compensation." he tried to sum what he knew. Merlin's testimony and Arthur standing up in the court had been brilliant, but evidence wise the pictures were undeniable and for that reason, saved them all from a really dragging process of going back and forth with the lawyers and holding many hearings and many trials.

Gwaine knew the second he saw Merlin's frown he had not been able to explain his thoughts. "I don't want his money." he said firmly and Gwaine regretted immediately he had even mentioned the money. "It's like he paid for me to- to do this!"

"No… he didn't. Never think it like that." Gwaine said when he found his voice. He had never been this unhappy to be drunk. "The money was taken from him against his will and his freedom has been taken away too. You can use the money to do whatever you want and if it was me, I would definitely use it on something that Cretin would not want you to use it." He needed to convince Merlin that this was not a bad thing. He couldn't even tell himself that showing those photos to anyone was a good thing, but he needed to convince Merlin. He deserved peace on this.

Merlin thought this all for a moment and to Gwaine it seemed like every second was dragging, but when merlin spoke again, he was able to breath. "I don't want a revenge… but… I think I would like to become a doctor, I could use the money to study." and then he placed the picture into fire. Gwaine laughed softly. He was that relieved. "Then you are much wiser than I am. Keep that." he said and Merlin smiled a small smile and rises his can of beer and Gwaine answered by clicking his glass of wine to it. He had a friend, that was for sure and Gwaine longed to see the day Merlin would be happy and content.

After that Merlin burned the rest of the pictures with steady pace. Merlin could now tell when he found a picture he hated with more passion than the other ones and Gwaine told him how he had hoped to get them, before he actually did. They kept drinking in slow pace and after the last picture had turned to ash, they laughed. Not because it was funny, but because it was over. A grandma yelled form one of the windows that they were not allowed to make a fire in the garden and they laughed harder before they ran around the corner and back inside. Gwaine joked that it would be priceless if someone called cops on them.

On their way Merlin asked if he could have just one more beer and Gwaine supplied him with one. Merlin told him he would try to cut his drinking, but just for today… and Gwaine told him he understood. He said it was a party and asked how was it worth to be a teenager if one wasn't able to get drunk at least in one party and regret it the next day.

"One spectacular officer you would make…" Merlin commented as he opened his definitely last can of beer. "It's up to your boyfriend now." Gwaine replied with a wink and Merlin knew they would meet some other day too and have more conversations of serious stuff like future and feelings, but not now. Now was the time to relax and that was why he could drink.

It was almost ten o'clock when they got back and Arthur had called Hunith to ask if they could stay until eleven. The rest of the time Arthur stayed close to Merlin. It was the last beer that got Merlin more drunk that he had ever been before and when Gwaine's father left, he felt it was a good idea to smile and wave at him while steadying himself by holding on Arthur's elbow. He got a wink in return and he wasn't even bothered that his friend's father seemed to know he was in a relationship with Arthur.

Merlin would have stayed forever if Arthur hadn't dragged him out ten minutes before eleven. Gwaine yelled something after them but Merlin was just concentrating not to fall down the stairs and he just heard Arthur's reply which was more or less "Is there a point where you know that it's time to shut up?"

On their way Merlin held Arthur hand with no thought of who might see it. At times Arthur even balanced him and Merlin felt every contact they made. He grew a little bit more hot with every brush of shoulders and every balancing hand on his shoulder or waist. He wanted Arthur. When they went through the dimly lit park, Merlin couldn't take it anymore. He spun around pulling Arthur towards him and out of the path. There was a big tree just a few steps from the path and Merlin leaned to it pulling Arthur into a kiss. Arthur was amazed by this turn of events and he didn't think twice before kissing Merlin back.

Merlin's kiss was wet and passionate and it didn't take long before Arthur felt Merlin's tongue lick his bottom lip. Arthur made a small 'ah' sound and opened his mouth a little. Merlin's tongue tasted like the beer he had been drinking, but Arthur didn't mind. He leaned to cover Merlin with his body and balanced himself with placing his hands on both sides of Merlin's head. Merlin didn't seem to mind and his hands slid to Arthur's waist. Arthur felt want and passion run inside of him in waves and his tongue met Merlin's.

They kissed for a long time and Arthur only pulled back when they heard a dog bark. Arthur pulled Merlin behind the tree and soon some late dog walker jogged in sight. The park was dimly lit and the tree kept them in shadows so Arthur was quite sure that they hadn't been seen, but it made him get back to his senses. He had to get Merlin back home and he would have to control himself. Even if Merlin didn't seem to mind now, Arthur blamed it mostly to the amount of alcohol Merlin had in his systems. Surely he wouldn't feel this liberal in the morning.

It didn't take long for them to get home, but they were ten minutes late and Hunith was waiting them her cell phone in her hand. Arthur tried to shield Merlin when he realised how drunk Merlin seemed, but it was in vain. "Merlin? Are you alright? I- Oh my god, are you drunk?" Hunith was clearly upset and Arthur felt a pang of guild. Of course Hunith noticed with Merlin like this and he himself had drank a glass of wine too.

"Merlin! This is not alright! And Arthur, breath to my direction please." Hunith's tone did not leave space to argue and Arthur breathed even if he knew he would get into trouble for it. Hunith grimaced and she looked at Arthur with disapproval. Arthur felt horrible. Hunith had just today said that she trusted Arthur and here he was, in their entrance, wine tasting sour in his mouth and clearly more than a bit drunk Merlin to present to the woman who had accepted him to be a part of his family.

"I want you both to understand that drinking is not something you can do while on my watch and that I am very much disappointed." Hunith continued with strict tone and Arthur took every word in feeling ashamed and wanting to go back in time to refuse that one glass of wine, but Merlin was a bit too dizzy to think like that. "It was just for tonight…" he tried, but Hunith was having none of it. "It's not relevant if it's 'just for tonight'. I know you know what alcohol can do to a person."

Merlin nodded, but he wasn't really there so Hunith sighed. "Go to sleep now and drink some water. If you feel sick, wake me up, but tomorrow we are going to talk about this, is that understood?" Arthur nodded seriously right away and Merlin a bit more reluctantly, but then they were free to go upstairs under Hunith's watchful eyes. Arthur felt himself small and nervous. He was so used to the knowledge that he never broke any rules that mattered and that he had today, felt like a part of his personality was being ripped off. Why on earth had he not refused the drink and why had he let Merlin drink so much? What he been thinkin?!

Merlin on the other hand was not feeling much at the moment. He felt this pleasant haze of good experiences and alcohol mixed together and even if he knew he would have some hard time with his mother tomorrow, he was right now feeling too good to feel regret.

When he opened the door of their room, the bed looked like the most beautiful thing in his universe right now, so he just fell on it face down. He took Arthur's pillow and hugged it to his chest. It smelled faintly like Arthur and he couldn't help but smile in it. "You can't sleep like that you know…" Arthur commented, but Merlin didn't move. He felt really fine like this and he couldn't be bothered to move. "Do what you will!" Arthur muttered and threw his hand in the air before opening their bathroom door to brush his teeth.

When he was done, Arthur stripped to his boxers and gathered his clothes into their laundry basket. He had been with them the whole day and they felt like they needed a good wash. He would have taken his boxers off also if he hadn't been very aware that Merlin was in between himself and their closet.

Merlin blushed when he saw Arthur exit their bathroom and God if he did not want to feel that body pressed against his… but Arthur was soon gone to their closet and returned with pyjama bottoms. It was not an unpleasant sight in anyway, but Merlin still felt just a bit disappointed.

When Arthur fell to their bed however, Merlin felt unsure what to do. He was still fully clothed so snuggling to Arthur's bare form felt a bit weird and besides his belt didn't feel too good against his waist so he decided to change after all. Normally he would have gotten into their closet or maybe to their bathroom, but right then he could mainly feel the buzz in his head and he just stripped where he stood.

Arthur's eyes widened when he saw Merlin take his shirt off and then pants. It was mesmerising and for a while Arthur could just stare before he understood what was happening. Merlin was drunk and he didn't realise what he was doing.

Arthur stood up and did the first thing he could find from his brain to do and moved downstairs to get some water for both of them.

Hunith had already retired to her room and Arthur was glad of that. He dreaded to see her tomorrow and even the thought of seeing her now felt awkward. He got the biggest glasses he could find from the kitchen cabinet and filled them with water. He also took some salted almonds from their refrigerator because while he had eaten most of the time, he was quite sure Merlin hadn't.

When Arthur stepped into their room, Merlin was lying on his side of the bed on his stomach only his middle body covered with blanket. His legs were visible from his knees and his upper body from his waist. Arthur blushed at the sight until his gaze found Merlin's shoulder blade. The wound had healed, but there was still an uneven, fresh scar left.

Merlin turned his head lazily to look at Arthur and his eyes lit when he saw the water. Arthur handed him his glass and almonds and tried to concentrate on drinking his own water and not ogling at Merlin who was now sitting on the edge of the bed the blanket slipping and revealing most of Merlin. Arthur saw Merlin's ribs still clearly when Merlin tilted his head to drink the glass empty, but he looked still much better than he had looked two weeks ago. Arthur wanted to touch him so much right now…

Merlin didn't seem to notice Arthur's very much hardening state and he smiled widely at Arthur after placing his empty glass to his night table. "Thanks." He said and to Arthur's surprise he stood up and wrapped his arms around Arthur.

"Ah, umm, nothing…" Arthur replied his one hand occupied with his glass and other hanging in mid air not sure what to do. The feeling of Merlin's bare chest against his felt incredible and it made his thinking stop very effectively. Finally he wrapped his free arm on Merlin's shoulders, feeling his bare form and taking every nuance of it in. Merlin shifted a bit and Arthur realised that his hand was near the scar he had just seen. It wasn't that it hurt anymore, it was more that Merlin was conscious about it. Arthur moved his hand to rest a bit lover and Merlin relaxed. Arthur kissed him gently to his neck and Merlin made a small moan.

'Ok, that's it. I have to stop right now.' Arthur told himself and gently pushed Merlin off of him and placed his water glass next to Merlin's. "It's time to go to sleep… " He said. He wasn't sure, but for a moment Merlin seemed like he was … disappointed? Arthur wasn't going to dwell on that right now. He covered Merlin with his blanket and gave him a soft good night kiss. "Good night, Merlin." He said in a hushed voice and Merlin smiled at him a tiny blush on his face. He looked so cute… "Goodnight." He replied and turned to his side and fell asleep.

Arthur just stared at him for a moment before taking their glasses and went to the bathroom. He filled the glasses but instead of going back to the room, he placed them down, rested his forehead to the cold tiled wall and closed his eyes. He felt desire burn him and his mind played him Merlin's kiss in the park. That didn't help. Merlin was fast asleep, maybe he could touch himself and then sleep all right next to Merlin? Somehow that didn't feel fair towards Merlin and Arthur wasn't comfortable doing that kind of thing when someone, especially Merlin was just behind a thin door. He had masturbated like five times in his life, he just didn't feel like it very often, but with Merlin… maybe he should start doing that more regularly just to avoid these kind of situations…

In the end Arthur decided to sleep on the couch. He took his blanket and pillow carefully not to wake Merlin up and lied down to the couch. It wasn't that comfortable for him. He remembered Merlin once commenting how Arthur's couch was more comfortable than his and Arthur felt a sting in his heart. He could manage one night.

* * *

Merlin woke up in the middle of the night to his thirst. He saw the full glass of water Arthur had left for him and he took it thankfully. After he had drunk it empty he turned to look at Arthur smiling, but there was no-one besides him. The bed suddenly felt cold and empty and Merlin searched the dark room with his gaze and found to his relieve Arthur sleeping on the couch. Merlin wondered why he was there until he remembered their way home and how he had acted before going to sleep. He buried his face to his hands.

'Why, oh, why… ' he thought and tried to go through the whole night to see if he could remember what Arthur had thought of him. His memories were slightly fuzzy on the edges but he remembered his lust and how he had kissed Arthur and he remembered hugging him… Merlin suddenly realised that there was something off. The night air felt too cold and… He looked down and he just realised that he had never put on his pyjama. Merlin pulled his blanket to cover himself even if Arthur was sleeping and not even facing his direction. 'I hugged Arthur… like this?!' No wonder Arthur wasn't sleeping in the bed… What if he hadn't liked what he had seen? Or if he didn't want Merlin to be this… forward? Or if Merlin had annoyed him? Or…

Merlin tried to calm himself down. It wouldn't help him to panic, but he still couldn't stop his heart from aching. He tortured himself going through every possibility of when Arthur could have not liked what Merlin had done or looked like and after a while he wasn't sure if he wanted to wake Arthur up right now and to tell him he's sorry, or if he didn't want morning to come so he didn't have to face Arthur at all. And his mother, he would have to face his mother tomorrow too…

Finally he became thirsty again and that made him move. He collected the blanket around him and went to the closet. He dressed in pyjama and after that got his blanket back to his bed and took some more water for himself. After that he felt better and even if going to sleep into the closet seemed a tempting idea, he didn't want to make anymore focus on himself in the morning so he went back to their bed. It felt cold and lonely without Arthur and there was not even any extra blanket or pillow to hug… In the end Merlin took a corner of his own blanket and hugged it against his chest. He hoped that Arthur would forgive him and come to sleep next to him tomorrow…

* * *

Arthur woke up early. His neck was in an awkward position, he was thirsty and he had a slight headache. Great. He sat up and took his water glass from next to the couch. After his thirst was gone, he also felt his headache dull. So it only left his neck. He tried to massage it a bit but it only helped a little. Merlin was sleeping curled into a ball and Arthur wondered if he was cold without his pyjama and himself to warm up the bed. Arthur stood up and walked next to sleeping Merlin. He was covered in his blanket up to his nose. Arthur smiled at the cute sight and returned to the couch, took his blanket and covered Merlin with it too. After that he took a quick shower and changed to a t-shirt and jeans. He didn't have much to do, but the school would start tomorrow so he decided to enjoy just the not having to do anything part. He chose some fantasy novel from Merlin's books that seemed interesting and sat down to the couch to read.

After a while he heard Merlin stir and he looked up from his book just to see Merlin sit up. Arthur was expecting Merlin to be still naked and he was surprised to see him in a pyjama, but his surprise soon changed into something else and he frowned.

Merlin looked at him startled, he was really taken back of Arthur's expression until he realised that he wasn't looking at Merlin's face but lower. Merlin followed his gaze and he saw his pyjama. The blue one with stars. Merlin pulled his blanket against his chest and blushed tomato red. "I, um…" He tried looking down. Arthur sighed.

"Sorry… I guess even if I don't think any differently about you, I can't say the same about that pyjama…" Merlin looked up at him. Arthur was looking out of their window and Merlin felt a need to go and hug him. Maybe he should have asked Arthur to burn that particular picture with him yesterday?

"I'll go change it…" He said and disappeared to their closet. He took the pyjama off and took some jeans and a long sleeved shirt from the first shelve he saw. He took the pyjama with him and returned to the room. Arthur was still looking out of the window and Merlin sat next to him careful not to sit too close. He again remembered the last night and he wasn't sure if Arthur wanted him too near.

Arthur sighed again and turned to look at Merlin. His eyes immediately dropped to the pyjama. "Can I throw that away? I'll buy you a new one for… I don't know school… starting present?" Merlin nodded and handed the pyjama to Arthur who put it down on the floor with a glare and then concentrated on Merlin again.

"Sorry, I'm acting a bit weird, am I?" Merlin shook his head. He had wanted to throw almost every single thing he owned away at least once in the past years and he told as much to Arthur.

Arthur took a hold of Merlin's hands and Merlin blushed but smiled. Maybe Arthur wasn't mad at him after all. "The school will start tomorrow, will you be alright?" he just asked and Merlin nodded. He was somewhat nervous of going back to school, but the only ones there who knew were Gwen and Elyan and it was not like Merlin hadn't survived the school in worse conditions. He would be alright. He was more worried about Arthur "We just need to be careful outside… sorry about yesterday…" He said ashamed of his behaviour. What if someone had seen them?

Arthur had hard time following Merlin's train of thought, but when he did, he realised that he hadn't even thought about that. He had just been so happy that Merlin had returned to his feelings and that they were still living together (in a whole new meaning for them) that he had just forgotten that not everybody knew about them. Hell, he wasn't even sure if he had told Elyan and Gwen or not. After thinking awhile he came to a conclusion that no, he hadn't.

"You have nothing to be sorry for, I didn't think either… I- it would make me happy if we could just be open about it, but… I guess it could make some troubles…" Arthur was mainly concerned of the idiots who could make Merlin's life a hell and he wasn't sure if Merlin could take any bullying right now. And there would be bullying. In paper they were brothers and even them being both male was enough to get some people lose their common sense.

Merlin nodded if not a bit sadly. "Merlin, look at me." Arthur told him softly and Merlin rose his gaze. "No matter what others might or might not think, I love you and that's not going to change when the school starts, ok?" Merlin felt again his heart fill with golden light. He nodded now looking much happier and Arthur leaned in to kiss Merlin on the lips. Merlin melted to it and after Arthur pulled back, he wrapped his arms around him. They held each others just talking about this and that about the next school year until Hunith came to knock their door to tell them the breakfast was ready.

* * *

A/N In the next chapter: What will happen to Merlin and his drinking? How mad is Hunith exactly? Yeah... we just had a bunch of adults who let two underaged boys drink... :P But to be fair, Arthur is already seventeen... and I'm not sure of your countries, but here at least the age it's legal to drink is eighteen, so...

But still, underaged drinking, bad! (mandatory teacher moment) Do not drink and drive! (or 'borrow' cars...)

My grandmother is coming to visit me and so I'm cleaning fanatically, she will so check if I have washed my fridge, dusted my bookshelve and folded my socks properly! This is so stressing...

Still, thank you so much for your lovely revews, I truly use them as my motivation :) The trial is over and in a way we have reached a point where I could have ended this story, but I actually still have about 50 000 words, so maybe... 4-6 chapters left? We will see Morgana again and see the next Christmas and if you, my lovely readers are still interested, I have some ideas to write at least to the spring after that :) Have a nice week and wait for my next chapter to appear in three days from now!

blue-analytic Hello! How lovely to get a new reader, many, many thanks for writing comments for the chapters as you read, it was very interesting for me :) Then to my reply for you :

ch 11 I loved Merlin's and Arthur's relationship in the show and so I actually did the same you did, I started to search for stories of them because of the ending of the show and all made me want to see them have a happy ending. Because of that I wanted to focuse on their relationship in my story, not to sex or stuff like that(even if it will be a part of teir love life, of course) so I'm very happy to hear you liked the way I slowly built it :) I seriously thought I was being too slow in the begining, but I'm glad there are some readers who have the patience to bear with my slow style :) Glad that you liked Merlin's and Gwen's relationship too :)

ch 12 Thanks! And well, you were right about Morgana. How did you like her? We will see more of her still and well, her story will be a bit more than it was here...

ch 13 I loved to write how Arthur tried his best to include Merlin even when he didn't want to be included, it's so nice to hear it was noticed :) And you were right, Arthur is indeed demisexual, he just doesn't know the word yet. You had an exelent timing btw, you started to read just when I uploaded the last chapter that has Uther in it :D (in theory at least) and now the new part of this story will start, the main Merthur part.

ch 16 Yes, Merlin breaking down was inevitable. I have some notes of alternative scenarios and every one of them included somekind of a breakdown sooner or later. I went with the option 'sooner'. Is that word 'chapeau' a typo? Because I only know it means 'hat' in french... Still I hope at least that you liked that part, I really wanted to convey that thought. Sexuality and gender are different things and both very much vary from people to people. You are also right, Arthur is trying to find himself and make difference between himself and his father's will. One of the things why he and Merlin are such a good pair is that they manage to dig the best out of the other with just being themselves. Uther was indeed the reason why Arthur was just and ass. His father expects far too much from him and Arthur has learned to strugle with everything alone (as seen later in the story too) and the pressure had to go somewhere.

ch 17 That is a problem with many cases of hidded violence, there are people who are worried, but not enough to make the move for they lack evidence or they think it's just them and feel maybe they are in no position to really nose around peoples busines. When those people don't even necessarily know the others exist, they can't talk amongs themselves and then decide to get help as a group. I wish for better communication for humankind. I asked at one point if people were interested in seeing Gwen's and Lance's relationship develope, but there was not such interest, so I hope what little I have written will be enough, but I'll keep in mind you were interested, maybe I can add atleast something here and there :)

ch 18 Good guess ;) And there could not be a Merlin fanfiction without Gaius! I just introduced him quite late... And yes, at this point Merlin is loosing his control of his own life and actions, he is far too tired and on the edge to really care all the time. Drinking, self harm, skipping school... Few years more of this with not meeting Gaius or Gwaine for example and think were we could have found him... That might have been one of the 'later' scenarios... but I wanted a happy ending, so no.

ch 19 Yes! i got you ;D That scene where they entablished that they are best friends was very important, I actually started this story by writing that one down. In my head, they are first and foremost best friends even after they start dating.

ch 22 It would have been if Arthur had had the right number for Morgana and not her old one...

ch 23 I promise I'm going to write that scene as an extra as soon as I have time. That might be after this story is already finished because my work is trying to murder me before my school starts again...

ch 24 Thank you for the kudos :) I myself don't like when fiction does that everyone is straight and interested in dating and sex in the same way or worse, everyone is gay -thing. I wanted to introduce as many forms of sexuality and love as possible and be realistic at the same time. Merlin is gay, Arthur is demi, Gaius is bi, Hunith is straigh, (well, Uther is phedophile...), Gwaine is straight, but doesn't get bothered if a man flirts with him as long as they know he is straight (and that just because he doesnt want to hurt anyone by giving wrong impressions), Percy is asexual... Most of the kids in Arthur's football team have no idea yet because they are so young. I'm so happy that you found this interesting because I have some parts to address some of these in the future too and the topic is close to my heart also :) I actually thought in the show too that Arthur must be demi... he's was a prince and he had to bond with Gwen while he was dying in order to find a desire to kiss her...

ch 25 This is my favourite of your reviews. You really Googled that? I'm so touched! My wish was to raise even if a little bit awareness on this subject and if you have done that, I have succeeded in that goal :) Thank you so much! Your english is great btw, you use words I had to search from dictionary! And I understand exactly what you meant, I was so fed up with Uther while writing those chapters... I really wanted Gaius to be the first Merlin told about his sexuality and I'm happy that I managed to write that chapter well :) About the teaching you part.. I'm trying my hardest to supress the teacher I am and not start to preach or over explain things... I hope I'm not teaching too much!

ch 26 Yeah he has narsistec traits. I have his profile written down, but basically he has to stay in control always, he is a pedophile and he has narsistic traits. Enough to tell himself that what he has done, he has the right to do again.

ch 27 :D Convenient, yes! I just had to make that one a cliff hanger...

ch 30 Yep, the truth is out and open! I actually cheered when I got this chapter posted...

ch 38 Wow... you really read it all in one go... I hope you enjoyed Morgana and I hope to see you again! :) Have a nice day of recovering from the lack of sleep and I hope you enjoyed this chapter too!

ch 39 I tried my best with my limited knowledge of legal proceses... So nice to hear it was alright, but seriously that is not a very realible portrait of a real trial. But I'm glad if it was good enough to seem realistic :) There will be a long road ahead of Arthur and Morgana, but they loved each others and they both remember that, so if they are willing to try, it's not impossible :)

B92morgan Thank you :) Involving sounds great, I was worried it would be boring because it took forever... I also was sure that everyone would have guessed that Morgana would be introduced this way, but even if it wasn't a surprice, at least she still stirs feelings :) Yes, her character right now is heavily influenced by the evil Morgana. But as the begining of this chapter showed, there is still hope with her ;) Lets see how she will develope! The way Morgana took care of her broblem by herself, was the same trait we have seen in Arthur. The way of thinking that everything has to be done by themselves and that is so because of Uther. I also kind of enjoyed the tought of her getting better of Uther, but she really provoked him to rape her again for that... again, going to police might have been the way to go... ven if it's not easy thing to do. We will see Morgana again and Merlin will see her too, as Arthur suggested in this chapter (that's why I can say that, it's not ment to be a surprice...). I hope you will enjoy that meeting! And no worries, Uther will suffer in prison. How the others traet phedophiles aside, loosing control and the shame of being lowered to the level of other criminals will cause very much agony. And he is in for a long time.

Greedy Reader (It is funny :D And very fitting in a way that I definitely know who you are ;) ) Yep, the story those two cooked up was... yes just as you said. Morgana really was quite a lot season four inspired :D Don't worry, we will see her again. 'Talent...' wow, you are flattering me, I'm blushing! It's very nice to hear that you like my style and that my story is not boring, many thisngs I have written I thought were kind of basic, so it makes me extremely happy that I managed to write a plot after all :) No worries about language, when I write I avoid swearing because I like to write about feelings and swearing kind of dulls most of the feeling for I think it's mostly either a habbit or way to hide insecurities or stuff if someone swears all the time. Also when I'm teaching, I dodn't swear at all, but at home... I swear to computers, to washing machines, to noise... :P

Angel Dove1 Side note first: It was supposed to be that first the court decides if Uther is guilty at all and after that is done, they will go through how severe the crime actually was and what the punishment will be. Then at the end the judge will one more time sum it all up by telling that Uther is guilty, for what and what is the punishment. That was my intention, but thank you for telling me it was unclear, I will try to change it for the better when I have time :) Then to the rest: 'perfect' You are seriously flattering me :3 I also played some fantsies of Arthur announcing to the court how he is in love with Merlin, but that would have seriously had some concequences... Like how about if Aredian for example demanded that it was investicated if Arthur had actually taken advantage of Merlin? Ugh... Ugly. we had some more hand holding in this chapter, hope you liked that too :) Going to the court was really good for Arthur, he is a person who needs to go straight to the battle so he can stop worrying and go on with his life. Morgana is not at her nicest at the moment... that much is very true... She did indeed leave Arthur there and she even changed her number so actually Arthur's text never reached her... but we do know that Arthur lived almost three years with Uther alone before Merlin came into picture... I'm not going to spoil anything more, we will see her again. But satisfying it was! That was the first part I wrote of the whole legal proces. I can tell you I know how you feel, I'm insanely happy that now I don't have to write anything Uther related posibly at all (depens how long this story will drag...) I'm happy to hear that you are waiting for more because I have more :) See you next time!

Chibi . warlock :D Yes, finaly Morgana! And I also enjoyed her speech (it was actually the first scene of the trial I wrote...) but we will get to her story in more detail later :) Now the trial is behind us and yes, I'm also highly relieved that we don't have to see Uther again.

GuestChacha Aww... I'm so happy you liked Gaius! He really should think less of what his books say... Yep, the story aredian made was mainly to safe at least part of appearance and to hopefully drag the process and cut the sentence or even settle... but it didnät work! Ha! Uther didn't believe that Arthur would actually testify againts him! Ah, writing that pasrt was really satisfying for me... Arthur really did well :) And in this chapter we got to see them in a party! I hope you liked that one :) Yeah, Morgana was such a nice character in the begining of the series... she is not quite alright as you said :( But lets see what will heppen with her in the future ;) It's so nice to hear that the legal proces was good. I stressed about it a bit... It's nice that you talk a lot, I had fun reading you rview :) Thank you so much for your encouragement, I will stay away from Netflix and I will concentrate on school when it stats :) No hurry being an adult either, I kind of have to admit that I am an adult now, but I can still like Merlin and fanfiction and do childrens handicrafts on my freetime (even if the last one is kind of part of my job...). I would not want to live in medieval times either... doesn't sound too nice the way they are written in history books... Merlin going to school... we will see that in the next chapter! Haha, your dad's reply was fun :D I'm quite sure I will never e able to write an actual book, but this really is fun. I never liked to write at school so it kind of surpriced me how motivated I am with this. It's such a great goal to become a psychiatrist, best of luck with that!

mersan123 Thanks! Speaking about muffins... I have a reviewer here who asks for your muffin recipe... If it's not secret, would you like to share? Then we all could bake some muffins 'for Merlin' ;) But no pressure if you don't want of course! Seeing something like that would be horrible even if the one seeing didn't know the victim very well... And those kind of photos of the act itself... *shudders* I seriously hope I will never have to see anything like that. (I once had one student for who I made a call to social servise because I and our school nurce suspected child abuse and lets say I'm happy I never had to testify...) Yep, Merlin needs to break down few times like this, in safe enviroment. It will do him good :) I had such fun time writing Arthur stand up and speak to the court, it was odly liberating for me too. I had to remind myself few times not to get carried away... The same I felt when I wrote Morgana's speech. Crucify is a good word for that by the way :D

Kao Aww, you have cats :3 I love cats! It's great to hear you tell me it was alright, I was highly nervous even if you told me you donät read this for accurancy... Hey, can I use your chief of accusation? It would be great! I could add it to the last chapter...we also have different levels of court, but I deliberately ignored that. I really didnät feel like researching where this kind of case would go... I'm so happy that this part of the story is now behind me. Ah, Morgana wasnät actually called in last minute and Aredian knew she would be comming, but he still tried his best till that point. With her he didnät have much he could do. But Morganas story continued a bit in this chapter, still not very likeable right? :D Nut we will see her again :) I'm kind of going backwards with her here... "I enjoyed reading the reactions, it was so painful." that was like the best sentence of the week! Hunith really is on thin ice, but she will try her best. Lets see how far that will take her ;) About the psychiatrist... I'm thinking about it. I kind of made Merlin's personality based in the show and in the show he was very, very balanced even if his kind and his whole begin was illegal and hunted. Professional help is important, but right now Merlin has a very impressive support around him and well, I'm thinking about it. We will get to the topic any way later, but I'm thinking abou it. Yes, Arthur really was mentaly abused, Uther was an abusive person. He abused Morgana mentaly, physically and sexually and Arthur mentaly. Even if Arthur thinks he is alright and that Merlin has gone through so much more, he is still a victim too. I'm kind of sad that you cried, but I'm a bit happy that I managed to make someone feel so strongly... so, um, thank you and sorry? That almost an accusation from Gaius... well, at the moment kind of everybody is thinking that way. Even Merlin. Some are not saying it, but it's very clear they think that way... I so want to spoil something, but I'm resisting it! Just... remember that one in the future ;) Normality is something Merlin graves at the moment, he is kind of adjusting himself to this new world around him and he wants to be part of it like he was before Uther. That he can now go out and meet friends id something very important to him. Good luck with your glasses! Mine will start in two weeks too...

Ageha18 Thanks! :) morgana will appear late, so no worries ;) Her story will be explained better later, but the molesting started when she was fourteen and ended when she blackmailed uther at the age of seventeen. Uther raped her twice, but made her do other stuff also... Great that you liked the reactions, that wasnät the easiest chapter to write... Aww, so nice you felt it for Gaius, he really felt hurt... Again, I'm so sorry for the delay, I should hope I would understand computers a bit at this point but no. I still have no idea what I managed to do for the chapter looked like it had been posted to me, but it just didn't show for others. I hope it doesnät happen again. In next chapter we will get back to school, hope you will enjoy that :)

bubzchoc Thank you :)


	41. Chapter 41 - The life goes on

Having breakfast with Merlin and Hunith was not as pleasant as Arthur had grown to get used to. He was highly nervous of the talk Hunith would no doubt give them as soon as they had eaten. Hunith had already asked them how they were feeling and if they had headache or nausea or anything at all. Arthur had muttered that he was alright, he really was, more so after he had been able to just talk and stay close to Merlin who still didn't seem scared of him even if Arthur felt he had not done too well yesterday night or today morning either.

Merlin on the other hand seemed uninterested and somehow… rebel. He rolled his eyes when Hunith asked again if he was sure he was alright and he claimed he didn't feel anything out of ordinary. Arthur kind of wanted to know if being slightly hungover was actually Merlin's normal for he had no idea of how much and how often Merlin had actually drank in the past, but at the same time he really didn't want to actually open his mouth and ask. Not at the moment at least.

When they had eaten and Hunith was sure neither of them felt bad, she took them to the living room to have a serious chat. She told them things Arthur had heard before at school and such places, but with tone and certainty and just… the blunt way of expressing things Hunith used, Arthur felt everything sink in a very different way he had been reacting to the topic of drinking in the past. He had known it was wrong to drink while under eighteen and he had avoided everything that was wrong for all his life, but now that Hunith was telling them how it could really damage them, they ability to think and make right decisions and not how angry she was for them breaking the rules, but how it hurt her to see them under the influence of alcohol at such young age, it just made Arthur feel so much stronger on the subject.

Shame, hurt, fear, self doubt, but also… this warm feeling that someone actually cared about his safety and well being this much. His father would have no doubt just told him how disappointed he was, how Arthur was soiling their name and never to do it again. It wouldn't have been the first time. In the deep parts of his mind, Arthur could hear his father tell him how this was what he had expected to happen. Now that he wasn't here to keep Arthur under strict discipline, something like this was bound to happen.

When Hunith asked them how much they had drunk, Arthur at least was a bit relieved to tell her that he had drunk just one glass of red wine. He felt a need he had suppressed for what seemed like years in his father's home, come back to him. The need to please and it was now directed to Hunith. It was stronger than he remembered it had been with his father, maybe because Arthur had known very well what to do when he had disappointed him. Do better than expected with something else.

Get a bad grade in biology, win a football match. Lose a football match, make important sounding comments of strategy or methods of leading while Uther's associates were present. Take a good posture, tell it was understood what was expected of him, say 'yes father'… He had a bunch of those and he had always known what Uther had expected of him. He had been very keen on telling that to Arthur after all. But with Hunith it was different. Arthur didn't know what was expected of him, more than what was obvious of course. Help around the house a bit, call if going somewhere, clean the table when it was his turn, don't break any laws… normal stuff, but that didn't feel like anything. He wanted so much to do something right now to make his mistake up to her.

Merlin seemed to be the polar opposite if that. He didn't even sound sorry when he told his mother how he had only drunk a _small_ glass of wine and at most two _small_ beers after that. He hadn't even been that drunk, he had just been tried and that it had only been because it was a party, that _everyone_ in their age partied now and then. Arthur was not convinced because he had seen Merlin behave very out of character and Hunith for many other reasons.

"A party is not an excuse, I don't care if 'everybody else' drinks and please don't take me for a fool, I saw you and you were not sober." Hunith shot down everything Merlin had tried to use as his defence and it just went downhill from there. Merlin started to whine, actually whine and he did something Arthur had never thought he would do, he used what had happened as an excuse. It hurt Arthur and he could see how it teared Hunith's insides, but she stayed firm even if she softened her tone to a kind one.

Soon, however, Arthur felt like he wasn't even really there. Hunith concentrated on Merlin with all she had and Arthur didn't blame her at all for that. It was to be expected. Merlin was actually her son and he had drunk much more compared to Arthur and he was now protesting while Arthur had told right in the beginning that he understood and would never drink again before he turned eighteen. Still he felt just the tiniest hurt that the woman he wanted so much to please at the moment didn't look at his direction anymore. Realising that made him ask from himself since when he had needed this much attention? At the same time he felt hurt and he really wanted to tell Merlin to stop talking like that and apologise already.

Some of the argument was lost to Arthur, but he could see that Merlin was growing angry. Still Hunith kept talking to him calmly, not patronising, not acting like they were stupid or too young to understand and Arthur could also see that how much Merlin wanted to, he couldn't start a fight with his mother when she was not giving him a chance.

After watching their interaction for a while, Arthur understood. Merlin was testing his boundaries. He was testing how his mother would react, how far her authority reached now, that everything was over and they would really start their new life. It was the same Arthur had gone through with some players who were older than him in the beginning. He had learned that if he had lost his patience, they had won and it had taken triple the work to make them do as he wanted after that. It had nothing to do what they actually thought was good for the team and their skills, it was just a power play. Arthur wanted to tell Hunith that he saw what she was doing and tell her to hang in there, but obviously it was not time to that. He held his breath and hoped that Hunith would stay patient.

It didn't take too long for Merlin's annoyance grumble under Hunith's calm sternness. He admitted that he had known for a long time that he was getting addicted, that he knew it was not a good thing. He admitted that he had never been that drunk and told how he had actually felt drunk about four times before, when he had drunk his first beer, when he had drunk wine straight from a bottle and once while sitting in his closet for he had drunk too fast after throwing up. He promised he had not drank more than one beer most of the time and he promised he would stop drinking.

Hunith told him how proud she was for his decision and of Arthur too. She never mentioned how Merlin had whined and been rude and all that, it was behind them now and Arthur could feel his admiration for her grow. He felt lucky that Merlin's mother was this incredible person and he briefly wondered if Merlin was as intelligent and incredible himself because of that, but he stopped that train of thought when a small voice in his head told him how he only had one parent and asked what traits he had inherited from Uther.

It was a long conversation after that, but Arthur didn't mind at all. Merlin agreed that he would not drink any alcohol at all until he was at least seventeen and after that depending on how it would go, maybe under supervision in special occasions. They spend a good while talking about the difference of needing and wanting to drink alcohol. Merlin told he enjoyed the taste and Hunith told him that it was very much alright to have a beer or a glass of wine now and then when he was an adult if it was really for the taste, but that for now he would have to see if he could not feel the need to drink when he wanted to relax or when he would feel bad. She didn't try to deny that Merlin would have hard times ahead and during those he would still have to find another way to deal with himself than the alcohol.

In the end it was a good conversation and Arthur felt like he had feared for nothing. He was determined to not drink of course and he could feel the amount of disappointment Hunith would without doubt have if Arthur broke his promise, but when Hunith told that she trusted in their word, Arthur felt that even if he had made a mistake, it wouldn't follow him after this conversation ended. Hunith still cared about them both and he was not angry anymore. It was… strange and it fed the need for more attention inside Arthur which made him try and do something, anything for Hunith the whole day.

He cleaned their room even if he had zero idea of what exactly he should do and packed both his and Merlin's things ready for school. He took Merlin out to play football when he started to pace around the house and when Hunith asked him to help her with a stubborn lid of a jar of jam, he was there in a second. Her 'thank you' eased something inside Arthur's heart.

In the evening, Hunith paid a visit to Gwaine. The moment she was gone, Merlin texted Gwaine to warn him and what Arthur saw of his reply… well, basically he could have just written '…oops'.

They talked a little then and Arthur felt really great that he had learned so much of this side of Merlin too. It was obvious that Merlin was ashamed of the drinking and of his behaviour and Arthur couldn't say that he had liked either of those, but he also realised something important. Hunith had already taken care of the part of setting rules and making Merlin admit his mistake, so now Arthur could just concentrate on telling Merlin how it was going to be alright and that he knew Merlin could stop drinking. That he was there if Merlin ever needed help and that he loved him.

When Hunith came back with an air of satisfaction around him, Arthur knew Gwaine would at least think twice before selling Merlin anything at all. Merlin had been resting his head on Arthur's lap for a while, but when his mother stepped to the room, he rose up and told them he would take a shower. Arthur felt an odd feeling of disappointment when Merlin disappeared from his line of sight. The cooling spot on his tight just felt… wrong somehow.

Still Arthur didn't follow Merlin. He knew he preferred to shower while no-one was on the second floor. It didn't take long for him to enter to the world of his disoriented thoughts and he only noticed Hunith had sat next to him when she talked to him.

"I should have thanked you for taking Merlin home yesterday. What is the most important thing to me that you were both safe." She said and Arthur grew uneasy. He was not accustomed to this kind of kindness and the need to repay it somehow was overwhelming him. "…I shouldn't have taken the wine... and I should have told Merlin no…" He said quietly even if he felt it very risky to be this honest. He was half expecting Hunith to see his point and get mad at him, but Hunith only looked at him kindly.

"You do know that you are not responsible of Merlin's choices, right?" She asked and Arthur really had to stop and think of that one. In his mind, of course he was responsible of Merlin. He had let him down for so many times and for so long time and besides he needed help and Arthur had to be strong enough to be that help. They were in a relationship and Arthur was the one who would be the front, the strong figure that kept them safe, protected Merlin and taking responsibility. And he would do it, no question in there, but what was the answer here? Maybe, just maybe it what Hunith had said made sense. He couldn't be a mother to Merlin and he couldn't take responsibility of his actions… That… was a relieving thought.

"I guess not…" He said and Hunith smiled at him and ruffled his hair. It was weirdly intimate touch and so forgein to Arthur that he had no idea of how to respond to that. If Merlin had done something like that, Arthur would have glommed him into a playful hug, but now he just looked at Hunith as if she had grown another head.

Hunith was laughing at him softly just when Merlin came down his pyjama on, his hair damp and an old book in his hand. Merlin looked adorable, but seeing a pyjama Merlin had wore when they had first shared a bed made Arthur think of what had happened with that one on. 'I have wanted to throw out every single item I own for at least once during the last year' repeated itself in Arthur's mind while Merlin sat on the other side of Hunith and gave her the book. It turned out it was an old book of celtic myths and Merlin asked his mother to read some of them 'so Arthur could hear them too'.

Hunith read them stories of selkies and morgens in a way that told Arthur she had told these stories many times before. At some point Merlin leaned on his mother first timidly, but then with a posture that spoke of habit. It was nice to see and Arthur pictured Merlin as a child, listening to these same stories in their small house and it moved him deeply. He wanted to go back in time and get to know that Merlin too…

Some of his emotions must have shown on his face because at some point Hunith stopped reading and smiled at him warm, motherly smile. "Come here, my purple striped giraffe." She said and Arthur could barely make a 'huh?' sound before he found himself also leaning to Hunith's side, Hunith's hand around his shoulders.

He would have protested, but Hunith had already started to read again and the soft tone made Arthur think that it was alright, just this once, before he concentrated on listening how a princess had been drowned had turned to a morgen. How she had sat on a shore, combing her long hair, luring men to their death with her eternal beauty and the riches of her underwater realm.

Before they all had to go to sleep, Arthur heard Merlin laugh and saw him smile. He heard him speak on top of Hunith on what Arthur assumed were his favourite lines, his eyes bright and his long limbs curled where they could while Merlin stayed leaning first to his mother's side, then to her elbow and lastly on her lap. He seemed more in balance than in days and when they were laying on their bed, Arthur's arm under his pillow, Merlin didn't seem at all worried about tomorrow.

Arthur watched him fall asleep while he stroked his dark hair absentmindedly. He stayed awake a lot longer than Merlin. It was obvious now that living with Hunith would not be easy for he couldn't just throw an accomplishment in her face and expect to be left alone, but he really didn't mind. He didn't want to be left alone, he wanted to be part of a real family and he wanted to make both Merlin and Hunith proud to call him their family too. He decided that from now on, he would do everything right. He would help around the house, he would get good results at school, he would stay strong and upright and reliable. He would encourage Merlin to feel normal and he would make him smile for he could see that Hunith liked to see that as much as he himself did.

When Merlin's alarm rang, Arthur rose up and cheerfully announced it was a time to wake up even if he felt his eyes a bit heavy after a bit too short sleep. He was happy to see that Merlin still didn't seem to be stressing about school. He hoped it would last.

* * *

It was monday and Merlin felt like he had just walked into a distant dream. He had walked to school with Arthur because the day was nice and sunny and Arthur had started to internalize that he didn't have an infinite source of money anymore and that it really was good to save where he could. Besides Merlin liked to walk and after hearing this, Arthur had not objected.

When they arrived to the parking lot however, it didn't take for long for someone from the football team to greet them with a "Oy! Arthur! Where did you leave your car?" and Merlin felt stupid for suggesting they walked. "None of your business, Lee! What happened your face? I don't remember it looking like that…" Arthur shot back like the most natural thing to do and Lee frowned at him. He had gotten a serious acne during the summer.

"We all cannot be like you mister captain the perfect!" he replied grumpily. Arthur just laughed at him and nudged Merlin's side "You hear that Merlin? You could try addressing me like that sometimes." He said with a grin. Merlin rolled his eyes. "clotpole…" He mumbled making Lee, who had happily joined their walk, laugh. "Yeah, you can make the rest of us to lick your boots, but Merlin is different case altogether." He said cheerfully making Arthur look up to the heavens dramatically. "So it's not enough that I have to take this..." he said pointing at Merlin "at home, but now I'll have a whole year of my team backing him up?" Lee laughed and Merlin kicked Arthur's ankle playfully. Arthur grinned at him before following Lee to meet some other teammates after Merlin had spotted Gwen and waved Arthur to go to any other direction but theirs.

Seeing Gwen again felt a bit awkward, but they soon found their normal conversation and by the time to have lunch they had arranged themselves a trip to buy some new clothes for Merlin and agreed to go to swim together and wondered if Elyan, Arthur and Lance would play some football with them the coming weekend.

"You, mmm, did you tell Lance that…" Merlin had to ask when his former gym teacher's name was mentioned. Gwen looked awkward for a moment and she hesitantly nodded. "I'm sorry… I should have asked you before I…" Merlin shook his head making Gwen stop on her tracks. "It's alright. I'm actually amazed that it wasn't on the news. I thought that everybody would know by today." Gwen looked at him a bit relieved but also a bit weirdly "It was on the newspaper… It had no names, obviously, or everyone would know by now… I have it with me here somewhere…" Gwen dived into her bag and Merlin wondered if she had everything there, like Mary Poppins…

Gwen found the newspaper she had been looking for fairly quickly and opened it from the right page. The news weren't huge and there really was no names. Merlin didn't know why. Was it to protect his identity or had Uther somehow paid them to be silent? But he didn't really care, he was just glad and relieved.

Someone had obviously done everything in their power to make the news sound as shocking as possible. Respected businessman, teenage boy, abused and raped multiple times during two years time, got caught because had taken almost 250 pictures of his acts…. Merlin handed the paper back to Gwen who took it looking emphatic. She had read this article in the morning and it had hit her in a whole new level what Merlin had gone through. That had actually been the reason she had told Lance. He had spent the night and Gwen had simply broken down when she had seen the article. Merlin, nor Arthur, had never mentioned how long it had been going on and Gwen felt like a lousy friend for not noticing anything for so long time. Merlin just wished she wouldn't look him like that.

"Please Gwen, don't look me like that. I don't want to talk about it at school…" He knew that by saying this he would have to talk about it as soon as they saw after school on friday, but he wanted to keep his school self separated from his free time self. Like he had done last years. Gwen agreed and they moved to lighter topics, like Merlin eating meat again and what Gwen had done with Lance in the summer. Vivian joined them at some point voicing her opinion on Merlin's eating meat again, but in the end she also said he needed some meat on his bones so all in all she gave Merlin 'a permission' to finish his beef. Oh, joy...

* * *

After lunch Merlin started gradually dread the end of the day as it was, not surprise here, PE. Again. He tried to kill the fear inside of him by telling himself that he didn't have any obvious markings in his body anymore, that he wasn't that thin anymore and that the rest of the boys should have gotten used to him changing in bathroom last year, but still he hated the stuffed locker room and he fled to the bathroom and locked it before anyone would start to change. He didn't want to see that and beside the same feelings of shame he had gotten familiar during last years, there was this nagging thought of what Arthur would think of him if he lingered in a locker room while all their classmates were stripping.

When he finally exited the bathroom when he was sure the rest of them were already gone and the class started, Merlin quickly learned that the coach was as lazy in PE as he was as a football coach. It angered Merlin that Arthur would have to suffer this for the rest of the year, but at the same time he was extremely grateful that he could just linger around, avoid actually getting close to anyone or participating in the game of baseball they were currently playing and the coach didn't say anything about it. Still, was this better than with Lance? No, definitely not. Merlin could now see how much effort Lance had actually put into him and it made him feel a bit warm. He would have run and try to hit the stupid ball if Lance was here to tell he was doing alright even if he obviously wasn't. He regretted that he hadn't tried more when he had gotten the chance.

When it was time to go to showers, Merlin had already decided that he was not going to shower at school. He would walk home and change there. Maybe from now on he could take his stuff with him to a corner of the gym and then just leave and not even return to the locker room? But then Cedric placed his hand on his shoulder and asked if Merlin was going to occupy the toilet again for he had to go. For some reason Merlin had never liked Cedric and while he kind of never said anything to tell about, everything he said (at least to Merlin) seemed like an accusation and together with the uneasy feeling spearing to his skin caused by the forge in hand, Merlin grew highly irritated of his face.

"You can have it. I have a practise to start." He knew that Cedric had applied to the team and had not made it and when Merlin turned on his heels to get everything he knew the team would need ready, the look on Cedric's face was enough to make Merlin's day a bit better.

* * *

Arthur usually showered after PE. He did so quickly and then he rushed to the gym. He didn't like mondays too much because of that, the few extra minutes always caused him stress for the little time he had to prepare himself to change his role from classmate to captain. Still he showered every week. He disliked more the itchy feeling drying sweat left on his skin.

Today however, after he had showered, he didn't rush like he normally did because he couldn't see Merlin. He assumed he was in the restroom he normally occupied and so he waited for him to come out, but when he saw Cedric exit the said rest room, Arthur felt an alarm go off in his head. He found Merlin's stuff from his locker alongside his phone and even if Arthur checked the showers just in case… well that was quite a wild idea anyway. The only place left was the gym and Arthur prepared himself to mostly anything when he practically ran out of the locker room.

Still to his utter surprise Arthur found Merlin arranging the stuff he had taken out himself for the last two weeks. It was… Arthur had no words, he just smiled. It was something incredible, like nothing could stop him if Merlin was there. This year he would get some results with his team. He could feel it.

* * *

When the rest of the team started to come in, they noted Merlin immediately. Merlin had been happy that Arthur had not called him for his sudden desire to carry stuff around and it was no wonder he found his sarcastic side as soon as half of the football team had formed a circle of questions around him. The most popular ones being if he was going to be there for every day from now on and where he had been for the last two weeks.

"I needed some vacation from you idiots, obviously." Merlin shot at them and pushed through them using a huge sack of footballs as a shield in order to not touch anyone. Many laughed at his comment and the questions stopped, it didn't matter either way because they all knew Merlin was going to be here from now on and to Merlin's disturbance, he knew it too.

When the team was done with their warm ups and Merlin had done everything Lance had taught him to do, Merlin returned to the locker rooms. It felt weird being in there alone and the room felt familiar and nonthreatening like that. He didn't shower, but he wet his towel and wiped his forehead and neck and then feet and armpits while carefully listening that nobody opened the door to the locker rooms. After that he checked his phone and when he noticed three missed calls from his mother, he called back immediately.

His mother scolded him for not informing her where he was and Merlin cursed himself for not remembering to call to her. He should have. He promised he wouldn't forget anymore and he told he would come home with Arthur at five. It was alright to Hunith who seemed pleased that Merlin had something to do and Merlin hung up feeling it very liberating how he could again control his own movements as long as he called his mother. He would call from now on. He repeated that to himself while he walked back to the gym and then outside where Arthur had moved the team after warm ups.

There was not much to do, but seeing Arthur leading his team while the coach just stood on the edge of the field made Merlin feel warm and proud. It was still a great weather and the looking at the green of the field and listening to the sounds and Arthur yelling instruction really relaxed Merlin. He really would be here every day after this.

After a while, Merlin wandered back inside. He found all the notes he had made during the summer and now he had time and motivation to arrange them. He used the rest of the practice to do that. He made a system and order and made room for it in a shelf of one of the coach's cubicle. He decided that he had the right to do that.

He was not even halfway done when Arthur found him sitting on a floor and mumbling under his breath of how unorganised a paperwork could get. On their way home Merlin complained of the impossible task of organising everything from attendance lists to his own notes and field reservations, but Arthur just kept smiling. He knew Merlin wasn't really seriously complaining. If he had even thought to wish that Merlin would be there for every practice, he would have given anything for that to happen and now… Merlin would be there for Arthur and for his team. He could not ask for more.

* * *

In the following days Merlin concentrated on school. He found himself interested especially of biology, chemistry and physics. He now had a purpose for learning them other than just distracting himself, so maybe it was that. He had told this to his mother and she had been proud of him just to hear that he wanted to go to medical school and her support meant the world to Merlin. He had also stayed after school and helped the football team as he had known he would. He would have done it either way, but when Elyan had asked him lightly if he was going to see Merlin in the afternoon when they had passed in a hallway and Merlin had shot him that he would consider it, Elyan had looked him so crestfallen that Merlin had needed to promise him he would be there from now on.

It had made Elyan smile at him brightly, but Merlin had regretted saying something like that so easily when he saw Oliver about an hour later and he made a really elaborated comments on how Merlin was now officially their help and how he wanted a foot rub and some cold beverages from now on after the practises.

Arthur had been awesome, as always. He had praised Merlin and he had been very much his normal self. So normal actually that Merlin had to think how much extra effort it took from him. At school he left Merlin to hang out with Gwen and Vivian because Merlin had told him they saw each other enough at home. He had made sure that nobody got too close of Merlin when he wasn't looking in the football practices and at home he was always telling Merlin how he loved Merlin and how much he liked his hair or smell or handwriting and such stuff. It made Merlin feel more secure even if he felt a huge imbalance in between them. He wished Arthur didn't feel the need to be considerate of him all the time, but at the same time he knew that if Arthur stopped doing stuff like that, he would not handle it well.

When Merlin had asked if he could go to shop with Gwen on friday, Arthur had asked immediately if he could go too. It seemed that his 'leave Merlin alone with Gwen' -thing only applied at school. It was fine though and when they got the permission, Arthur called Elyan who told him he would come too. They could go to the mall and separate there for a while and then go to Gwen's to hang around. It sounded nice.

Still when they were driving to pick Elyan and Gwen up, Merlin felt like there was water inside of him and someone was throwing rocks at it breaking the still surface. Being at home seemed safe and being at school felt familiar, but now he had no place to hide or a role to act on and he knew he would have to be honest with his friends if he intended to keep them.

On their way Merlin stayed quiet while Arthur kept the conversation going. It didn't make the feeling go away that Arthur was better and somehow in a higher position than him emotionally, socially and well, in every way. It felt bad, but also that it was somehow right. He was dirty and he had made so many wrong choices and he had said and done such stupid things even after he had gotten out of the house he had not believed he would ever get to escape. He didn't deserve to be equal with someone like Arthur and he again felt the desperate feeling that he needed to hold on to Arthur before he would vanish and never come back to Merlin, but he just kept quiet as Arthur drove on.

"I have something I have to buy… I would be back in about an hour…" Arthur said and Merlin focused on his surroundings again. Elyan said it was alright, he could see some games at the same time. It seemed that Arthur was coming with Merlin and Gwen to shop some clothes and Merlin was reminded of Arthur's promise to buy him a new pyjama. He blushed lightly at the thought. It felt so good that Arthur had remembered that even if he really didn't need to…

They left Elyan to a games store and Arthur followed Merlin and Gwen to a clothing store Gwen lead them to. "Gwen, I need your excellent eye on style." Arthur stated as soon as they walked in making Gwen seem happy "I need to buy Merlin some new pyjamas… I kind of threw some of them away…" Merlin blushed some more and tried to look at another direction while Gwen laughed at Arthur "How's that even possible?" she asked but offered her help. "If I remember correctly Merlin likes those full pyjamas… " she mused and soon Arthur was in passionate conversation with her about Merlin's choices of nightwear and Merlin wanted to disappear.

Gwen and Arthur found some nice and warm and soft material made cotton pyjamas and Arthur decided on Gwen's help on a purple one that looked much more adult than the pyjamas Merlin had and to one cream coloured with grey thin stripes and to one satin black pyjama that made Merlin blush when Arthur put it in front of him to see how he looked. Merlin tried to seem uncaring and rolled his eyes but he still saw Gwen giggle behind Arthur. "That looks good… you should take it." Gwen encouraged Arthur who grinned at her with the tiniest hint of blush on his cheeks. Merlin had no idea how Arthur could be so calm. He himself was terrified at every little thing letting everyone know that they were dating. Of course Arthur was probably doing a hundred times better job at keeping their relationship a secret than Merlin was at the moment. 'Act normal… act normal… I have no idea how I did this last year…' He kept thinking while Arthur paid for the pyjamas.

"Three should be enough… To tell you the truth, I might have thrown all of your pyjamas away… Just by accident of course." Merlin blinked at him while taking the plastic bag full of nightwear from Arthur's outstretched hand and the meaning of that hit him. He blushed furiously. He was glad that he never had to see any of his old pyjamas, (and they had been getting small anyway…) but he wondered what had happened if Arthur hadn't been able to come here or if they hadn't found anything fitting… Would he have had to loan Arthur's pyjama pants? Did he even have pyjama shirts? How did this all seem to Gwen?

Gwen was smiling at Merlin from behind Arthur's back and Merlin knew she would talk to him about this as soon as Arthur was out of the hearing range. She looked like she knew something and Merlin feared he knew what that was. Oh God he hoped nothing bad would come out of this...

Arthur left soon after to find Elyan and Merlin was left alone with Gwen. "Lets go to have some ice-cream." She said and Merlin sighed. Yep, this was it. Another conversation Merlin definitely would want to have if not with alcohol then at least privacy and too much tea, like in Gaius' house. That was why he suggested they go to a coffee slash italian ice-cream place. Gwen agreed to his decision. The ordered themselves some drinks and ice-cream and Merlin made his way to the most far corner where there was nobody near. He didn't even care if they looked like they were on a date. He preferred that over someone thinking he and Arthur were on a date any day at the moment.

Gwen didn't wait long to drop the bomb. "So you and Arthur are finally together, huh?" Merlin almost shocked to the word 'finally'. "Wha- what?" he managed to cough out while Gwen just looked at him kindly. "Come on, how long have we been friends, I can't possibly miss everything…" She looked sad at her own words and Merlin took her hand again not caring how it looked like. "Gwen, really, Don't blame yourself. I-I'm just grateful that you are still my friend even, even if I'm…" He could continue and Gwen placed her other hand on top of his.

"Merlin, you are my best friend. I don't care if you like boys or girls or both and I'm just happy that you and Arthur are happy. I have watched you two for a long time now… and you just seem so good for each others." Merlin managed to look at her eyes and he couldn't see anything else than genuine caring. He squeezed Gwen's hand. "I have no idea what I have done to deserve you…" He was close to tears and he tried desperately hold them back. Holding hands in a coffee shop was something but holding hands in a coffee shop while crying… Well he could live without that.

"And I have no idea what I have done to deserve you… If Arthur ever gets to your nerves, just tell me and I will lecture him to the next century!" She said now grinning and Merlin couldn't help but laugh. "It's alright… he has been so… " He started but stopped at Gwen's knowing smile. It was nice to see that Gwen knew how amazing Arthur really was. Still there were things swirling inside of him and he needed to talk to Gwen to see more of her reactions. "But are you sure you are ok, with this? I mean… we are supposed to be brothers…" he started unruly of what he would hear, but Gwen just shook her head sadly.

"You are not brothers. That man is not your father." Gwen said in a very sure voice and Merlin suddenly remembered what Gwen had told him how her mother had died. He knew Gwen wasn't suffering right now only for him, but for her mother all over again. "Yeah, you are right… " He said quietly. "Thank you, really." He added and Gwen looked at him with a bit tired compassion. "You have nothing to thank me for. I think you two are cute." Merlin was a bit taken aback by this. 'cute' wasn't a word he had thought he would seem to anyone.

"You have a peculiar taste… I never noticed before..." He said with humour in his voice. Gwen laughed and punched Merlin's shoulder lightly making him laugh. "You are the worst of the two of you." She said, but there was so much warmth that even Merlin couldn't mistake her words to be truth. They spent rest of their ice-cream talking basically about love wrapped in jokes and light tone. At some point Merlin even confessed that Lance was handsome which made Gwen blush and joke how he had no chance of stealing her boyfriend. Merlin rolled his eyes telling that she hadn't seen Arthur without shirt causing Gwen to giggle uncontrollably. They held their hands together the whole time. "I don't think I will ever get as good friend in my life as you are…" Gwen finally confessed and Merlin had to agree with her. He didn't think there could be better friends than this.

After they exited the shop, it was almost time to meet up with Arthur and Elyan. Merlin looked sheepish and apologised that Gwen hadn't gotten any shopping done but Gwen just waved her hand in a dismissing way. "I don't have anything to shop really, I just wanted to spend some time with you." Merlin felt warm inside and he told Gwen that she could have just asked him for a date then. Gwen blushed at that and told him that she wouldn't dare. "Arthur would have my head, even if Lance would understand…"

That comment reminded Merlin of something he couldn't really place what. "You sure have a nice relationship with him…" He said genuinely and Gwen smiled at him pleased. "Yes. He trusts me and I trust him. I think that's most important." Merlin liked the sound of that and he remembered how Arthur had not minded him sitting next to Gwaine. It felt… very much right. He knew he trusted Arthur and maybe, just maybe they had the same trust that Gwen and Lance had between them.

Elyan had found a new game he wanted to try and Arthur had agreed to buy it in half with him so they would play it in their home next week. Merlin was alright with Elyan coming over, he had been in their room already and Gwen knew already so it was not that bad even if Merlin didn't feel like bluntly telling him, if Elyan somehow grew some brain cells to figure them out, Merlin wouldn't mind as long as Elyan was alright with them.

They went to Gwen's house and watched a movie together before Arthur drove him and Merlin home. Merlin felt happy and content. When Arthur asked him if he had bought something, Merlin told him that he had been on a date with Gwen, Arthur just laughed and told him that it was good that Merlin was able to get a date with such a beautiful girl before kissing his cheek. Merlin smiled at him. He had tried and he had gotten his answer, Arthur did trust him and that felt very good. It somehow grounded some trust in himself. Now Merlin really felt that at least in this, he was trustworthy and he felt proud of himself because of that.

When Merlin was changing for the night he found that Arthur had really meant what he had said. Every single one of Merlin's pyjamas were missing. He chose the purple one of his new night rope not even feeling embarrassed anymore. He was just actually happy that he had something completely new to wear. He almost wanted to step out of the closet and show off his new pyjama with a spin and a pose, but he refused to be that gay.

Arthur smiled at him fondly when he exited their closet. "That suits you." He said and Merlin blushed. Spin and pose aside, he seriously felt gay enough as it was. Arthur slept next to Merlin hugging him from behind, his arm under Merlin's pillow. "You smell nice…" He said when he had buried his head against Merlin's neck and Merlin felt like he could do anything now. He had survived the first week of school and he would survive the next too. Most of the things around him felt strange or scary or just plain weird, but he had so much right now and he promised to himself that he would find a way to be better for those who he held dear.

* * *

A/N Hello! Alright, it's time to admit that I will need more time to update. My school has started again and my work has still not ended. I'm burried with stuff to do and I have literaly used every spare moment I'm awake enough to write this chapter. It might be that from now on I can only update once a week. I'l try to be quicker, but at least next week looks like someone put three people's scedules on my calendar... The other option would be to update shorter chapters (even shorter than this), but I kind of like the lenght now and at some chaters it would feel that I just put some not so relevant day or something and then it would end, so maybe it's better to upload longer chapters and not so freguently...? What do you say?

Thak you so much for everyone who reviewed! I hope the replies ar not filled with too many spelling mistakes and un-logical stuff, I was in a bit of a hurry to write them... I'm sorry about that for you deserve better. I hope to make it up to you the next time you (hopefully) review :)

blue-analytic Oh! now I get it! Interesting idiom, thank you for explaining it to me :) Yes... Morgana is a bit mad at the moment, at least as long as she has to stay in the town she was raised in. She is not quite stable and coming back and finally testifying against the man she hates the most in the world took its toll... We will see her later ans some of this all will be explained :) Yes Merlin has to built his self esteem again and right now he is looking everyone he knows and their every expression and every action very carefully to know what they really think. He doesn't trust his own judgement or just words too much at the moment. That's why he is testing his boundaries also... But he has such awesome friends that he has come to a conclusion that he really can trust them fairly quickly :) It was so nice that you reviewed right away! May you have a nice day too!

Greedy Reader No, she is definitely not well and coming back was not an easy thing for her... In theory Arthur was thirteen when Morgana moved out an he was present when Morgana got hit and the same night she was raped... but it's still not logical to blame a baby brother for not doing anything. But then again, logic is not very strong here at the moment. We will get back to that, I promise! Oh, Morgana and Merlin... In the show I was so sorry that they never had a real relationship even if they were friends at first and the bitter enemies, but Morgana never really learned of Merlin's magic... so I might have done something about it in my story ;) (btw, I laughed out loud when I read "Uther, who seems to prefer pale fourteen year olds with dark hair." That is so disturbingly true! :D ) Why a bunch of adult (especially cops) would let Merlin get drunk? Well... good question. Some adults are like that, they think that it's alright once in a while to let a minor drink a glass of wine and Gwaine and his father are exactly like that. And Gwaine's father is a boss for the rest of them, so when he allowed it silently, the others unconsciously let the responsibility to fall on his shoulders. That Merlin got that drunk is because he didn't eat much and he is still very light. And he didn't actually seem very drunk... He felt it, but he didn't get mentally drunk because he was so used on drinking alone, so Gwaine didn't really think much of it when he offered Merlin his third portion of alcohol that night. I'm replying these as they come, so I have not yet actually written this chapter you just read, so I might want to add some of this explanation somewhere... Thank you for asking :) Ah, Will. We will see him too. Wait for a chapter named after him ;) I so now the feeling of hitting a toe! I swear a lot then too... I actually read one research once that stated that swearing actually reduces the feeling of pain. So I observed myself once and I have to say it kind of works :P

Angel Dove1 No problem :) Yes! You got the subtle hint! Right now we don't know the whole story of Morgana, but the whole conversation had quite much stuff in it. Yes, she is angry and a bit mad even and she did say some very unreasonable things to Arthur, but still she waited for him and showed emotions like worry and she kind of told Arthur they could meeta again... And yes, charing mode, what a good word :) So great that I have been able to make you symphatize with Hunith, so many were quite angry with her when she didn't notice what was wrong with Merlin in the begining of the story... It's not easy to make right decisions and while Hunith don't know how to break tension in Merlin the same way Arthur does, she is determinate to be mother for them both. I'm also so happy that you find Arthur adorable, i love the word 'adorable' :D Oh, Percy didn't actually clean Gwaine's appartment, but it might be that he is part of the reason Gwaine is actually quite tidy nowadays (they were roommated for quite some time...) The picture actually something that Percy really wouldn't be comfortable sharing and if explained, nt very funny, but Gwaine was just teasing him, he wouldn't have shown it any way. When Elena asked about it he distracted her by showing a picture of Percy in the middle of one of their first cases while they were together in an intership and followed around two officers. In the middle of it, Percy had needed to hold a chihuahua puppy and well, you can imagine Percy holding the smallest of furballs in his palm while the said furball tried to do it's best to lick Percys nose... Sorry, that might have been quite unnecessary detail, but since you.. actually you didn't ask... this is awkward... Anyway, Great you liked Gwaine's father too :) (He still doesn't have name for I have hard time imagining a name that would go well with surname like Mayhawk... And for a man who has named his son 'Gwaine') Arthur is going to be a chief someday, he is natural leader and even Gwaine has aknowledged this for he said he would come and work for him. As said before, he himself knows he is not leader. Ah, burning the photos... that was indeed a very hard and liberating thing to do. Quite clishe way of doind that, so I was a bit nervous if I had been a bit boring, but I thought that it wouldn't seem that way for Merlin and the fire actually comforted him because it was a thing from his childhood. So I let it be. Now mostly everything from Merlin's old life is gone. Uther's house, Uther, the photos, the pyjamas, Merlin's furniture... It does really help. I assure you that soon enough Merlin will start to replace stuff from his wardrope too... I don't know what you had to recover from, but I'm glad that you did :) Cyber hug for you for your bravery. I'm sure you did well, like Merlin is doing now :) Oh, I actually have new year written already and a sketch until Arthur 18th birthday :P If I write the next spring, I could get some scenes in a better order, so I hope there will be interest for me to continue :) The next spring would also include more guys from the football team and one new character from the show ;) Your idea was very cute btw. I almost regret I can't use it because I have already written that chapter... 'Perfection'... You flatter me! (and I'm blushing). I can't wait to hear what you think of the chapter with new year in it now! Thank you again for your awesome review!

Kao Yep, Merthur finaly! :3 And he is respectful, isn't he? A true gentleman ;) Yeah, they so should have made another fire! but Arthur might have been quite quick on getting rid of the said items, he was not so symbolic with it either. He mostly just took the whole pile, dropped it into a waist back and took it straight away to the nearest bin. Ah, yes, those were actually the last _paper copies_. The originals are in a memory stick the Nerd gave to Gwaine and there is a file with Uther's cloud save on it or something along the line, but those were the last coppies that would have gone to shredder when the case was closed. So in that sense of word, they were the last. (Good thing though nobody asked what Gwaine was carrying in a plastick back from the room two to his store :D ) Great that I was able to amuse you, I find myself writing things like that when ever I have those two in the same room... :P Yes, poor Arthur! He is feeling so much responsibility, but Hunith never was going to guild trip him for not looking after Merlin, just for his own actions. Thank you really, that I can use that, I'll add it when I have time, I'm burried to work at the moment... But soon, I also want to rephrace in sentesce so... I actually priefly thought about the attempted murder and I came to the same conclusion :D That makes me feel so good that you told me the same thing, maybe I'm not totaly hopeless then :D

Insanereviewer ch 39 Yes! You were late! And you are going to make me pout?! Even after _you_ were _late_?! Oh, how cruel you are! *Plays dramatic* ... Ok, I'll forgive you because you also like human psycology. It seems we have some things in comon :) Yea... Aida was a bit hype, but we will see her again and then I think she will be a bit calmer (marginaly at least...) I know that part irritated me too, but in a way it was also a thing to say. Gaius felt that way and Merlin really should have told someone even if it wouldn't have been easy, so just to set Merlin's world view straight it was a good thing to say so Merlin starts really to know it would have been alright unlike what Uther said. Even if he can't change it now. i think that is what at least irritated me, that Gaius was telling him what he should have done even if there is no way to change it anymore and it's not like most likely anything like that will ever happen again, so it's kind of an useless advice in regardless of the future too. We will get back to that little sentence (kinda) in one other occassion... I'm happy that you liked the rest of the Gaius/ Merlin moment :) Ah, Iseldir. Remember him in the show? He knew all kinds of stuf of Merlin's and Arthur's destiny and he was kind of there but most of the time he only gave half of some old answers or riddles or warnings. I think that was why Merlin never felt that much of a special connection to druids... but he had planned a plot for his defence and he was guiding Arthur to make his story linear. He didn't want to tell it before hand because he likes to keep the speaches natural (unlike Aredian) for he strongly believes in fairness of the system. That sounded so much fun, the mock trial you told me about. I loved your comment :D Purplestiped giraffes are to be taken seriously. Especially those with three heads. Imagine how much not fun it was to try and make up a story the rat and the cretin used? I made these cards of everything that could be proved and that the police knew and I layed them on my floor and started to arrange them in new ways. I felt dirty after that... Iseldir's comment was indeed very well justified, and Arthur's part... that was just so satisfying to write really... And gave some contrast to that miserablesness of the parts where Merlin talked and the photos... I feel great that you called it 'powerful' though :) Yep. In most of the fics out there Merlin takes Arthur's name and I guess it's because we don't actually know Merlin's last name, but in my fic he would definitely take Merlin's. I might have a sketch of their wedding btw... :P It's not long for it's mostly a part of an epilogue I might write, but I'm not too sure for at the moment it's kind of all over the place... But if many enough want to read it, I'll write it :) Yes, you were right :) That was exactly the first thing Gwaine thought when he heard that little detail. It was like 'Ha, there is a lie I can catch them for!' And you so got me there for a moment! I regret I pouted in the begining of your review! I'm so sorry and excited! Fun theories, I have to say. At this day and age there would have been no way Morgana had kept the baby if that had happened, but it would have indeed fit the original legend. Vengeful Mordred it would have been... I can now see a about five years old Mordred glaring at Arthur... :D

ch 40 And continuing of Morgana: We will get back to her story later and even later to what she thought when she left, so I'll try to explain what I can while not spoiling anything. I really was portraying her less stabile side. She also had hard time coming back and telling her story in court and seeing Uther... She could have some screens in between them, but she didn't want to show weakness to the man she loathes. Arthur thought he hasn't known his sister for eight years because that was when the molestation had started, but Morgana is just five years older than Arthur and she left home as soon as she turned eighteen, so Arthur was at the time thirteen. Not old enough to be in any responsability of something like that at all, but he did see how Morgana was hit and that was the day she lost her virginity to Uther and they never talked about even that. Arthur knew very well that something was not right with his father's and Morganas relationship, but he couldn't really make Morgana feel that he was on her side. Not even when Uther hit her. Arthur could also tell that there was something wrong with Merlin's and Uther's relationship, but he never really addressed that either. That's just the way he is and yes, Morgana really has to realise that. Lets see how Merlin can help with that one ;) But we will get back to those times later as I already sayd, so I hope that will give you some answers ;) Oh, and Morgana was penetrated twice and it all stopped when she black mailed Uther, but for about two years she was also forced to perform oral sex and that is also a rape... Never wondered how Uther was so practiced on wedging Merlin's jaw open the first time he forced himself in his mouth? Morgana was not as quiet as Merlin was... You are welcome of this disturbing image :P Morgana is bitter and many things are mixed up in her brain, but she still did stay behind so it's not all lost :) All in all, we got of with a positive note from that conversation and from the court, so I'm also glad that Arthur went there and so is he :) Also you are right, Hunith would have kept all her hate inside of her and tried to not make Arthur uncomfortable, so it was good they were able to just let eachothers know that they felt the same about the cretin. Yay! You thought the scene at Gaius' house was cute! He really trusts Arthur and likes his touch even if he is still nervous about how it looks like to others and feels the shadow of the shame Uther has implanted in him. The trauma will last, as you said and the shadow will most propably be there forever. He will learn to trust that there are people who accept him as he is and that there is nothing to be ashamed himself, but he will also be overly conscious how there are also people who how doesn't accpet him and in those cases, he won't just brush it off or think that it's their problem, but his own and he will very easily slip to the 'I'm sorry that I like boys' routine. He also takes fright easily and forgein touch is... not pleasant, part of why he didn't tense at all when Arthur hugged him was that he could see him coming and so when Arthur came to his personal space, he was already waiting the touch. Had he come from behind it wouldn't been so smooth... Love it that you told me your favourite quote! I almost let that out because dialogue didn't really fit there very well, but now I'm glad I left it regardless :) The waiter was a bit pitiful... He will definitely not place his hands on anyones shoulders for a long time... Hih, and the cuddling :D You know how men in general tend to be like that? That 'I have already said I love her, so isn't it logical that if my feelings change, I'll tell her? Do I really have to say it all the time?' way of thinking... Arthur is not that bad of course (nor are younger men actually, it's a bit old stereotype), but that was kind of still where that came from. He had himself processed what happened in the court and even if he will have to deal with it all many times yet, for now he didn't realise at first that for Merlin, the same couldn't have happened for he had not been precent and even if it was just half a day, so much happened so quickly... But he did decide that he would repeat himself as long at it would take Merlin to truly believe all he thinks about him, so points for Arthur :) Then... lacto-ove-vegetarian, a vegetarian who eats animal products like milk and eggs and honey. Products that don't need an animal to die for them. They don't eat fish or meat. I understand that you wouldn't want to Google anything... I have to make up a day for seven years olds who have just started their school for tomorrow and I have used half of my day to that... and I'm just going to substitute... I so remember how much work it actually is when I had my own class... Oh, the photos they burned were the last _copies_. They have the originals saved and the memory stick is in the file of the case. Just those opies they used and sented around for the procecutor, judge... those went to shredder, but Gwaine nicked one set. We have to be glad that nobody noticed that... Imagine how happy Aredian would have been to hear that Gwaine had stolen 247 photos worth of child pornography... :P Now there is no more evidence left of that either ;) I think it was better for Merlin to be alone so he didn't have to think of what Arthur thought right next to him. Besides Arthur would not have wanted to see them and Merlin knows he has not seen a majority of them any way. I hope it was explained a bit in this chapter, but Merlin really didn't even drink that much, he is just a total light weight :D Which is good btw, but he was also not acting at all like someone who is drunk before the last beer and even then it was mostly that he needed to concentrate on walking stairs... Gwaine wouldn't have given him any more even if he had asked. he is behaving like that while drunk, btw, because he has always drank alone. You know how people who only drink in parties get into party mode when they drink and go mental? Alcohon strengtens emotions and lessens sensible thinking and at least I find myself just getting more involved with the mood around me when I drink. Merlin is used to relaxing and keeping calm, but also staying quiet and getting ready sleep when he drinks, so yeah... I just wanted to tell you this incase you have some thoughts because we both like psycology :) It would be fun to chat with you sometime :) Getting addicted to alcohol is not good, so lets hope they all make good choises in the future :) Oh no, Merlin is definitely not ready for more intimacy they have right now and not is Arthur either. So great that Arthur had enough sense and they will talk about this too, hopefully soon :) Thank you so much for your again long and interesting reviews, I know how tired you must be at the moment and that makes me appreciate these long reviews even more :) Keep up the good work with your class! (I noticed that some of the text might be missing again, but I'm sure you were nearing the ned anyway, so no worries :) )

GuestChacha Oh, chatter all you wnat, I don't mind :) Ha! Arthur is so just starting to realise what it means to have a mum! It really has it's price ;) Morgana and school also... Arthur will really have his plate full this year. We can all be adults in our own way, I just ate pancakes as lunch with my friend because we could. Your family does sound funny and nice, I'm sure you have a great family and really, good luck on getting to begome a psy, I don't really think the way your friends dowe don't need to be something in order to understand it and that is the interesting thing about human beings. We have strenght and emphaty to understand and help one another. I hope you will help many in the years to come :)

Ageha18 Thank you for your comments about Morgana :) She really was heavily based on season four Morgana... She was unreasonable and bitter and well, not really even sane maybe... but the payback to Uther was satisfying. And morgana did give her number, so maybe we will get to see what really is going on in her head ;) Great you loved the party! Burning the pictures really helped Merlin and at least he has now some peace for he knows no-one can see those photos anymore (even if the originals are stored in somewhere...)

Insanereviewer (again...) Aw, so nice that you care :) My grand mother left yesterday (she was here longer than expected) and it was quite tireing, but it was also very nice :) I would like to very much just tell that I had some problem with my computer again, but I just couldn't get the chapter good enough to publish... So I can just say that I'm sorry I'm late. I thnk that if you have interest, that is enough for me, so I'll start to write some of my sketches to actual chapters from now on! Thank you for your encouragement :)

Guest Umm... now? The next... maybe next sunday. (at latest)

Kao (again...) Hi! Thank you for your concern, it really warms me from the inside :) I'll try to update as freguently as possible, but the next might have to wait till next sunday... Sorry... But the next chapter is half done, so I might get it out a bit sooner :)

Greedy Reader (otra vez...) Oh I so know what you mean! I'm fine, thank you for asking :) I'll try to satisfy you oh Greedy one as soon as I can! ;)


	42. Chapter 42 - Trying and trying

The next weeks Merlin felt like something was happening all the time. Not that any of it was exactly bad, but by the end of september, Merlin felt like he would need at least every other week just for himself to survive another week of social interactions.

The school was as it always had been, in theory at least. He hang out with Gwen and Vivian most of the time even if Arthur had started to eat lunch with them every other day. Actually precisely every other day which made Merlin suspect that he had a schedule. Elyan had also made a mission to talk to Merlin at least once every day. If not in between classes, then at football.

The practices were fine. Merlin enjoyed the routine and that was time when he could be in company without actually interacting with anyone. It was soothing in its own way. He had also managed to make an order to the paperwork and he was quite satisfied with his system. The coach had left it alone, he had actually told Merlin that since he had started, he could take care of the attendance and field reservations from now on. Merlin would have declined if he hadn't been so pleased that Mr. Lazy-ass wouldn't mess up his beautiful system. He certainly wasn't doing this for him.

Finna and Tilly had visited twice and they would visit again in two weeks. The first time Merlin had been a nervous wreck and Hunith had not been much better even if she had done everything in her power to hide her nervousness. She had stressed of their living conditions and she was so afraid of the judgement and what Finna and Tilly would say, that she had stayed up half a night to clean and bake and just a day before she had taken both Merlin and Arthur with her to shop some new curtains, linens, blankets and pillows.

Arthur had let Merlin decide on their pillows and blankets while he had chosen red curtains to their room. That day Merlin had been unusually rested and his inner turmoil had been mostly focused on seeing Finna again, so he had tested some of the pillows against Arthur's arm for 'it would anyway be under the pillow, so it was best to test this way.'

Arthur had suggested that he could lie on one of the beds in display so Merlin could test the pillows better, but at that point Merlin had realised how what he was doing must look like (for a reason) and he had disappeared in between some shelves and chosen a pillow he had tried the first (which had been the best one anyway). That night Merlin had slept like a log under their new, soft and warm blankets. He loved the warmth so much… He had even managed to forget how embarrassing he had been in the shop.

Arthur on the other hand had regretted of not choosing himself a different kind of blanket. He had slept poorly until he had finally opened their window and kicked the portable inferno Merlin called a blanket to the end of their bed.

When Finna and Tilly had come, they had talked with them just about everything normal, like how school had started and how their new neighbours were before Finna had asked if she could talk with Merlin a bit in private. Tilly had stayed downstairs to talk with Hunith and Arthur while Merlin had led Finna to his and Arthur's room.

"Oh! What a lovely room! Did you decorate it yourself?" Finna looked very much admiring when they stepped in the room and Merlin smiled and blushed at the compliment. They really did have very nice room… "Arthur and my mother did most of the work… I didn't do much." He had been sorry to confess. He regretted that he had done nothing. He could have, he should have and he would be proud of it now, but he had chosen to sulk in corners instead. This had not been the first time Merlin felt disappointed in himself and his behaviour and it definitely not be the last.

"That explains all these football trophies… I guess I should have noticed right away that I didn't get to see your room the first time we met." Finna said lightly still looking around. It was interesting how Finna could include the past while she talked and Merlin didn't feel uncomfortable with it. It actually was almost funny how Finna said it, like Merlin had made this little trick to fool her and not something Merlin regretted. Why had he been so stressed of this meeting again?

"But what do we have here?" Finna asked and moved next to Arthur's night table. "Oh, mm, it's mine… I mean I made it when I was a kid." Merlin mumbled a bit awkwardly. Arthur had found the painting Merlin had painted as a child about a week ago when Hunith had started to find places for the paintings Merlin's father had made. For a reason unknown to Merlin, Arthur had insisted on taking it to their room.

It was still very clear in Merlin's head how Arthur had asked from him "What is it actually?" while holding the small aquarelle painting upside down. Merlin had rolled his eyes at him and turned the frame while trying to hide how nervous Arthur's question had made him. "It's a dragon. I liked this one of father's paintings the best," he had said and pointed the one that had always been his favourite "and I used to think that those were dragons." He had said and pointed at the small flying figures in the painting.

It was a nice painting, there was these huge looking clouds with beautiful light coming from behind them and dark silhouettes of three birds soaring in the sky. To Merlin it seemed like they were free and the sky was their kingdom. "I used to think those clouds had to be huge because the dragons were so small looking against them and I tried to paint one of them." Merlin had continued to explain.

Arthur had not said anything, but he had kept looking at both of the paintings for a long time after that and the next day Merlin had found that Arthur had hung his painting above his night table. "… And this is doing here what exactly?" he had asked very much ready to take it out and hide it into some dark corner as soon as possible. "I like it, I happen to like dragons." Arthur had replied from their couch where he had been doing his homework. "You didn't even know what it was until I told you." Merlin had protested, but Arthur had not even blinked. "That is only because you have written your name upside-down."

Merlin had blushed at that. He still had a habit of flipping everything he needed to write his name on by taking a hold of the top side causing his name to be upside-down on the top right corner. "Whatever you are thinking, it's not going away. I like it." Arthur had said before Merlin could form anything to say back and so it had stayed.

"It's lovely, I always enjoyed stories with dragons in them when I was younger." Finna commented happily and Merlin was snapped back to the present. "Arthur didn't know what it was…" he mumbled even if he really didn't hold it against Arthur, he was more surprised that Finna had known what it was. "Well, not everyone can have an artistic eye." Finna replied with a wink and Merlin guessed that if he and Arthur had been brothers, Merlin would have found the way Finna had said it hilarious, but now he felt a bit insulted on Arthur's behalf. "Arthur is better at drawing than me actually…"

He hadn't meant to sound sour, but when Finna gave him a look, an alarming knowing look in Merlin's opinion, Merlin felt cold sweat forming to his neck. Right, this was why he had been so stressed about this visit.

Finna had not commented however on anything but had asked him about things in school and in the end they had talked over an hour. It had been nice. Really nice, talking with this woman was easy and carefree and Merlin had felt that he could brag a bit of what he had done and Finna had just been there for him without Merlin feeling guilty of waisting her time. She had never mentioned the fact that they only had two bedrooms even if the other obviously belonged to Hunith.

When she had left, Merlin had actually asked if they would meet again. Finna had smiled and told that he would come as many times as she was needed and even after that if she was welcome. Merlin had told her that she was welcome anytime and she had beamed at him. When Finna and Tilly had needed to go, Arthur had waved at them from besides Merlin and Finna had given the same knowing look to Merlin, he actually felt that he wanted to tell her the thing he was most proud at the moment. That Arthur was by his side.

That night, however, Merlin had felt tired. It was the new familiar feeling to him but he had needed to explain to his mother that he wasn't upset of anything he and Finna had talked about, that he just really wanted to be alone for a while. It had been hard. He had no words to explain what he was feeling and in a way that day had been a sum of all that. He had such incredible people around him and such great life around him, but by God it was too much at times.

Gwen had asked if Merlin wanted to go to swim with her and they had agreed on going every saturday after the first time. Hunith had included Merlin to some house work, especially to cooking which Merlin found relaxing and somehow satisfying, especially when he succeeded in making something (Arthur complimented him every time, but Merlin just felt uneasy if he didn't like the result himself). Gwaine called him regularly and invited him over even if he never offered any alcohol to Merlin nowadays. Gaius let him in anytime of any day without question and always had tea and snacks to offer. Susan (who Merlin had seen while he was taking a walk to get to be alone) had told him that Aida was missing him and asked about every day when he would visit again.

It all was so nice and Merlin appreciated it so much, but at times he felt there was too little of him to give. He felt pressure to be worth of such nice gestures and good intentions. He felt he needed to be better and he felt himself tired and moody and unpredictable most of the time. In his darkest moments he felt that he was inferior to all of them. Like he was a wounded animal or a little child and every good gesture felt like charity or pity.

The worst of all, was Arthur. He did everything right. Every time Merlin felt bad or acted out, he was there to ask if he could do something. Every time he heard a bad comment of gays or a joke of sex or any topic that could make him uncomfortable at all, Arthur was there to direct the conversation elsewhere, distract Merlin with anything from asking Merlin to explain him something from biology class they had just had to throwing a football to his direction and yelling Merlin to 'think fast'. Once when some of their classmates had been making fun of some girls who had been holding hands Arthur had actually stepped in while Merlin had made his mission to walk to another direction as steadily as possible.

It wasn't that he didn't appreciate all of that or that he wasn't extremely proud of his boyfriend, but it just made him feel that this all wouldn't last. Especially at school they didn't act at all differently and Arthur was this brilliant football captain who was strong and handsome and well, stabile all the time with no flaws or weaknesses and Merlin felt they were not going to get anywhere. Arthur was there for him now yes, but what about the future? Merlin couldn't compare and the feeling of them being unequal grew with every passing day.

Merlin wanted to get closer to Arthur, he wanted to be there for Arthur, he wanted to feel secure about them and he wanted to see and feel that there was at least some development in their relationship, but while Arthur was always there like some kind of a hero, he also had grown… distant. Emotionally he was getting more and more something like a very good teacher. Wiser, stronger, someone with an answer and he was handling Merlin with calmness and techniques Merlin knew he used to his team. It felt like he was guiding Merlin to the direction he wanted and while the direction more often than not was a good one and helped Merlin to calm down if he had seen a nightmare or whatnot, it still felt… well, at least not like they were really dating. The closest thing to a date had been when they had bought some ice-cream from Gwaine and they had sat in the park and Merlin had made up what kind of shapes some clouds had seemed like. Arthur had laughed when he had told that one of the clouds looked like Oliver trying to eat the nearest cloud that looked a bit like Australia. Arthur had held his hand then.

Speaking of physical contact, Arthur had been a proper gentleman. To the point Merlin found if unnerving. He still slept his hand under Merlin's pillow and he still held his hand occasionally and he still kissed Merlin's cheek and forehead regularly, but Merlin wanted more. Just one kiss more or a bit longer hug or a bit less buttons closed or anything. Just a little bit more. Or even what they had already done, something to make him feel that they were going to be together and Arthur wanted him even a portion of how much he wanted Arthur.

But no, Merlin had asked Arthur to read with him a couple of times and Arthur never said no, but it was never the same it had been when Arthur had held him in the hotel room they had stayed when Uther had been arrested. Arthur sat next to him or sometimes they lied next to each others on their couch and Merlin rested his head on Arthur's arm while Arthur held the book, but they really read and Merlin wanted… he didn't even know what, Arthur to get distracted and start to kiss his neck or hug him stronger or open few buttons of his shirt (he had bought a button up shirt when he had gone to shop with Gwen and he wore it as many days as possible in hope that Arthur would open the top buttons someday) but it never happened. And Merlin just couldn't find the courage to actually ask for any of that. He thought that if Arthur wanted more, he would do more and he had no right to ask anything at all.

It was the last day of september when Merlin was sitting in their garden feeling restless while reading a book. It was saturday and he wished Arthur would stay upstairs doing whatever he was doing and that it would never be seven o'clock when his mother was supposed to come home. He really just wanted to be alone. The week had wore him off. He had gone to swim with Gwen in the morning and half of the practices on friday he had spent trying to convince Pellinor that he really was ok even if Pellinor had bumped on him while he had been running backwards. He just had no idea of how to deal with Arthur's somehow gentle but serious teammate who seemed to be somehow a bit too much of everything around Merlin lately.

It was when Merlin was half fantasizing that every school of the content would suddenly announce that weekends would become schooldays and every weekday a holiday, when a football pounced from the ground in front of him and almost hit his book. Merlin turned to look at the direction the ball came from and was ready to tell Arthur to go and be funny at somewhere else, but he only saw their fence and heard a noise like something was lifted against the said fence. Arthur was nowhere to be seen.

It didn't take long for Aida's eyes appear above the fence. It looked like she was standing on something, on her toes and still she didn't quite reach the height she had wished. "Merlin! Can I come to get my ball, please?" She asked cheerfully as soon as she saw him and Merlin had hard time believing that the ball getting to their garden was an accident. "Sure… you want me to open the front door for you?" he asked mostly amused but just a bit nervous.

"No need!" Aida answered and her head disappeared for a short while before she jumped and started to climb over the fence. Merlin looked at this blankly for a second and then he realised how high the fence really was compared to Aida. He jumped up and was there just when Aida managed to turn around on top of the fence and drop herself to hang from the edge of the fence, her legs still about half a meter from the ground.

Merlin didn't even think before he took a hold of Aida's sides in order to make sure she wouldn't fall. Aida started to squirm and she let go of the fence and Merlin's first reaction was to drop the child, but his common sense won and he lowered Aida to the ground as fast as he could and stepped as far as he could away from the said child after that.

"That tickled!" Aida laughed and held her sides to Merlin's utter surprise. He did remember his mother's and Susan's trust on him when it came to Aida, but he still couldn't feel that Aida would be ok with him later. Maybe when she grew up she would get discussed of someone like Merlin touching him?

"Do you want to play football?" Aida asked totally oblivious of what was going on Merlin's head. "I thought you only came to get your ball?" Merlin teased automatically and when Aida looked coy, he felt a bit pleased all of a sudden. Maybe he was at least a bit good with children? "But now that I'm here, we could as well play, right?" She asked now a bit shyly and there was no way Merlin could say no to those big brown eyes.

They managed to kick the ball around for about ten minutes before Merlin decided to show Aida a trick Arthur had managed to taught him, spin the ball on his index finger. Aida stared him in awe and she declared that Merlin was a magician and Merlin laughed at that like he remembered laughing with Will when they had been small. He seriously needed to call Will again…

At this point Arthur appeared to the garden and Aida declared that she was a beautiful princess and invented a story of a monster who she and Merlin, her magician would have to defeat in order to find a treasure. "Then we can build us a bigger castle and decorate it with diamonds this big!" Aida explained and spread her hands as wide as she could.

"And of course the fair lady need a horse." Merlin continued after Aida with a dead serious tone, picked Aida up and placed her on Arthur's back. Aida caught up immediately and she giggled before telling how Arthur was from now on her pony. "She has golden mane and she is blue." Aida told them happily (Arthur was wearing a blue t-shirt)

Arthur had taken a hold of Aida's legs when she had wrapped them around his waist, but now he had the most disturbed look on his face. "Wait why 'she'?" he even sounded like he was afraid to know. "Because you are a pony."Aida replied very seriously and Merlin remembered that every toy they had played with had very distinctively long eyelashes and were definitely female.

"I'm not sure that you know how ponies work…" Arthur muttered and Aida pouted before saying with a somewhat offended tone "Fine, you can be a he. Good boy." She patted Arthur's head and Arthur looked like he had won a battle but lost a war. Merlin laughed at the scene at least a minute before he was able to calm down enough to breath properly.

They played an impossible quest with rules that seemed to change every other minute until Susan came to stand on whatever Aida had been standing on before and tell that it was time to come back inside. Merlin's first reaction was that he had made a mistake. "Should I have called you or…?" he asked, but Susan just smiled at him. "Oh, Aida told me that she was going to visit you. I hope it was not too much trouble."

Merlin blinked and then he looked at Aida who was smiling sheepishly and then she turned at her heels and ran next to the fence. "Up!" She said cheerfully and Susan bend to reach for her daughter. She took a hold of her elbows and Aida did the same and then Susan lifted her until Aida could take a hold of the fence.

"Oof… you are getting heavy!" Susan complained while Aida climbed over the fence. "Well, soon I'll be able to reach myself so I don't need your help!" was the last thing Merlin heard her say while she was still visible. It seemed Aida was not new at the art of climbing over fences.

"Merlin, Arthur, good night and say hi to Hunith!" Susan told them and Aida yelled to visit her soon from behind the fence. Merlin just looked at the fence for a while a small smile playing on his lips. He had really enjoyed the role where he was entertaining Aida and he felt like he could gradually drop the feeling that he was somehow bad for her. She had seemed so happy… and they had had fun playing. It had made Merlin feel carefree and a bit like a responsible adult. It was nice.

When he turned to look at Arthur, he met an amused and openly happy look. It was the most spontaneous face he had seen Arthur wear in days and it felt as good as any physical contact could ever feel. "You are good with kids you know." Arthur said with a tender voice and Merlin blushed a bit. He briefly wondered if someday he would be able to have children. Not the traditional way most probably, but for a second he saw himself playing with a child of Aida's age with Arthur and he laughed a bit. It was a nice image, but it felt too far away from anything he knew right now so the image disappeared soon, but years later he would find this memory from some deep corner of his mind and he would know this was the first time he ever thought of that possibility.

"And you are quite a good pony." He answered directing him good mood to be amused of Arthur who frowned at him only partially seriously. "I still don't get why I couldn't have been a knight or at least a horse. Why pony…" He asked and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Because Aida loves ponies." Merlin answered only partially teasing. "But to me, you will be a purple striped giraffe." He finished when Arthur looked at him a bit too seriously.

"Pray tell me what it is with this purple striped giraffe?" Arthur asked and Merlin couldn't help but laugh. He would so tell Elyan Arthur had asked that and make sure he never explained what it was about.

"I have no idea, but I would guess that Mother has caught you distracted. She had a habit of asking if I was something or other if I didn't listen to her. She once asked if Will was a yodelling moor frog when he kept answering her 'yes' before she had even finished her sentences."

Arthur looked like he was trying to pinpoint a moment he had been distracted but asked instead "And what she called you, may I ask?" Merlin just smiled at him coyly and started to walk inside. "You would want to know, wouldn't you?" There was no way he would give that information to Arthur.

The night went pretty much with Arthur asking again and again what Merlin had been called and why first from Merlin and later from Hunith who decided to play along and not give Arthur the answer. It amused Merlin and for a change the house was full of noise and laughter. In the end Merlin promised that he would tell if Arthur won him in a round of Scrabble. At that point Arthur gave up.

Unknown to them, Aida told her mother when she was being tucked in "Merlin really does love Arthur, doesn't he?" Susan smiled at her daughter. She had always been the most hype of her daughters, but in a way the most sensitive one of them too. She always picked up what was not said directly. Maybe the meaning was a bit lost to her this time, but it didn't matter. God did she love this third miracle of her life.

"It really would seem so." She just said warmly and Aida nodded at her before turning to her side. She had decided only a week before that she was now too old to be kissed good night, but Susan still leaned in and kissed Aida's temple earning her a grumble and the sight of Aida brushing her temple with her pyjama sleeve. Susan just chuckled. Her oldest daughter had done the same even earlier than Aida and she knew it would pass. She exited the room leaving the fairy lights that hung next to her daughter's bed on. She had school and her husband had work and while she prepared some snack for her middle daughter who had dance lessons tomorrow, she went through her schedule. Maybe the next time she would need a babysitter she should ask for Merlin? She was sure he would be great influence to her children.

* * *

It wasn't exactly the way he had been able to play with Aida or anything else actually, but Merlin was feeling a bit better. He kind of knew he wasn't still feeling good in the way he had felt before Uther, but the difference towards better was the feeling that mattered. He suddenly had more energy and more will to make things better and do what he knew he should do.

He managed to call Will and even if the first half of the call was used in listening of Will complaining of how Merlin had not answered his calls or text messages, it was well worth it. He managed to find strength to arrange another shopping trip with Gwen and he managed to actually laugh at something Pellinor said causing him to finally relax a bit around Merlin. He guessed Pellinor was still sorry for bumping against him the other day.

Still Merlin longed for time to be alone and one day, he remembered the corner in their closet he had sat just once. It gave him unexpected comfort. He didn't know if it was the dark narrow place or the fact that this way of spending time was familiar to him, but it worked. Much like studying took his thoughts on hold, the closet made him feel that he was alone and that nobody could find him. That was just what he had needed.

Studying Merlin had started to… not avoid, but limit. At times it was too easy to just keep studying and after Arthur had told him twice it was time to go to sleep on their second school week and Merlin had realised he had been sitting in front of their desk for over four hours studying something they were supposed to go through in school maybe as soon as november, that he had made a rule for himself to only study three hours a day. At most.

This all was working on Merlin's benefit in the long run, but still, Merlin had this huge lump of tangled feelings inside of him and they tended to surface in odd times.

Routines were good. Merlin found he could keep himself in check if he knew exactly what he was supposed to do and how to act. For example in the football practices he was always almost in a meditative state where he had his purpose and a selected lines he could use if he needed to speak. Or if he visited Gaius he knew they would make tea and he knew he could always just talk about science if he didn't have energy for anything personal.

But at home it didn't work. There was always something new. Was it her mother asking a question he was not prepared to or Arthur placing his stuff in a different corner or a light bulb suddenly going off because it needed to be replaced, it all could make him upset and lose his balance. It actually felt like his reactions, while they were less frequent, had become more extreme.

For example just a few days ago Merlin had started to first cry when he had dropped a water glass on the floor causing it to shatter and then just a minute later he had shouted at Arthur to get out when he had started to pick up the shards from the floor. It had been then when Merlin had decided that he should really consider the psychiatrist Freya had recommended to him. His mother had started to visit a therapist regularly and it had done her good, so maybe it would help him also? Merlin didn't feel that talking to a stranger would actually get him to be ok with anything that had happened, but if it could make him more stable, then it definitely would be worth it. He had actually pushed it this far because he already felt there was too much to do and because most of the available times were lapsing with the football practices. Those were the one thing he didn't want to miss.

He went to visit Gaius that day after he had apologised to Arthur who seemed understanding and kind in a too kind way. Merlin almost felt frustrated that he wasn't even slightly upset at him.

While he played some Scrabble with Gaius, Merlin told him that he had decided to go and visit a therapist. Gaius had congratulated him on his decision, but Merlin couldn't quite feel that he liked the idea of laying himself open to mental dissection. What he wanted was to feel that he was strong or independent on something, anything really, but there was no automat he could get self-confidence from.

Hunith was very pleased to hear Merlin was willing to try the therapy. It had given her so much and she wished that it would do the same for her son, but as it turned out, Merlin didn't like at all how he had to tell Arthur that he would not be helping out on thursday, to answer where he had been to the team on friday and especially to find his paperwork messed up by the coach. It seemed like he had attempted on doing what Merlin had done, but his interest had dropped half way through. His handwriting was sloppy and big and Merlin had a difficult time in telling his 'e's and 'i's apart.

The therapist had been nice. She had give Merlin time and she had not pried or pressured him. She had asked quite interesting questions and she had given Merlin something to go with, but somehow Merlin had still felt that they were not speaking the same language. He tried to explain what he was feeling and she didn't quite understand him or she asked something and Merlin didn't quite understand why she was asking. Together with the problems he had with the team, he only visited her four times.

In the last one, the therapist actually asked him if his mind was elsewhere and he had spend fifteen minutes what was probably already her free time telling how annoyed he was about the football coach failing to fill the attendance list and how fed up he was of Oliver asking if he was going on a date on thursdays. It was then when he realised that he really didn't want to be here. It wasn't because he was embarrassed or that it was hard to meet this woman, but because he had so much that served as a therapy already. Maybe not for all, but for him at least and he just needed to step up and break the same boundary he had broken when he had decided to talk honestly to this woman who he still didn't feel much emotional contact. In fact he still didn't even remember her name, her room had a very beautiful picture of a maple in autumn, losing its red and orange leaves, and so Merlin had started to call her Mrs. Maple in his head.

That night he had talked with his mother for a long time. Hunith had been against him quitting so soon, but Merlin had told how he felt as long as he had needed to find the words for how he was feeling and in the end, Hunith had let him to make the decision. He could always start again if he needed and even if Merlin decided that he wouldn't have to, he promised he would give it another chance if he started to feel worse.

After that he started to recognise the fear he held inside on himself better. Not just in obvious situations, but now that he was actively trying to find hidden meanings to his distress, he actually found answers quite regularly. Once he called to Mrs. Maple and she asked him a question Merlin would use for years, 'Maybe it had nothing to do with that?'. That was maybe the only moment when Merlin had felt they were in the same wavelength.

Asking himself that made so much sense to so many things. Like when he had started to cry over a broken glass, it wasn't that he was upset because a glass was broken, but because there was a fear, a fear that someone would hurt him because of that. That someone would make him strip and bend over for misbehaving. It was because he knew that not Arthur nor his mother would never do anything like that, he had really grown to trust on that, and his mind had dismissed the conscious thought while the fear had remained. That was why he had lashed out. Mixed feelings and insecurity were not a good combination and Merlin started to spend more time in the closet to just think through his days in peace.

At times he needed some help and Gaius always had answers for him. Merlin really felt he was his father figure and he knew that he would be lost without him. At times he thought how much his life would differ from this if he had not chosen Gaius' garden or if he had not walked in Gwaine's shop and he wished he had a God he could at least thank for these coincidences. At times he felt so grateful of them both that he was ready to cry.

It was one of these times when Merlin was visiting Gwaine on a sunday. It was Gwaine's rare day off and Merlin was feeling very special that Gwaine had asked him to come and spend some time with him. When Merlin had arrived, Percy had been just leaving. It seemed that he had spend the night and was so ready to get home and he told as much to Merlin while staying as far from Merlin as it was possible and still seem polite.

That was when Merlin decided that it was up to him to tell he was not going to be fragile for the rest of his life. Tell to who, he was not sure, but he took a step closer to Percy and he was happy when Percy didn't take a step back nor changed his tone. It was a small gesture, but Merlin felt somehow stronger and more confident after he had said goodbye to Percy.

With Gwaine he had good time. They watched a movie Gwaine had been going on and on that Merlin should see it and it was definitely worth all the hype. They had mimicked some of the lines afterwards and gone through their favourite parts. Merlin was sure he had never been affected like this because of a movie, he was more of a book person. He also let Gwaine know this to which he answered "And what is the use of a book without pictures or conversation?"

Merlin laughed to the point he rolled on the floor "And yet you have read Alice in Wonderland!" He said while poking Gwaine's feet as soon as he managed to stop laughing. "That is so funny!" He continued as if it wasn't obvious.

"Everything is funny, if you laugh at it." Gwaine said mockingly seriously and Merlin laughed some more while leaning on Gwaine's knees which his elbow. He had found he could do that. Gwaine didn't seem to mind and Merlin had learned to trust on himself that at least with Gwaine, he just enjoyed the human contact, he wasn't interested in him sexually at all and so he had found a habit of testing if that still applied as frequently as it was possible. It brought him great joy every time Gwaine didn't move his arm or feet when Merlin sat next to him and didn't feel anything more than a nice, solid body next to him. Even if they were alone, Merlin trusted completely that Gwaine would not even think of doing anything to him and learning that being gay really didn't make him lust for every male, not even those he liked or found handsome like Gwaine, so definitely not everyone he came across. It was just some he found really attractive and it was just Arthur he actually wanted to date.

So why couldn't he be more like this when he was with Arthur?

It took Merlin almost two week to cultivate that thought before he managed to actually find a situation where he could just look at Arthur and think about them objectively.

Arthur had been tired for a couple of days and that day it had started to rain. It was supposed to be one of the last outside practises and Arthur had planned every minute they had. In the end of the practices when they had run home in order to not get soaked at least completely, Arthur had confessed that he should have taken the weather into consideration, but when he had tried to organise the team while making up something to do, he had completely lost his cool when some of the players had started to play with one of the balls lying around instead of listening him. It had not been pretty. The team had reacted in a way that Merlin thought they would react if Arthur had been replaced with an angry dragon. The rest of the practise had been slightly awkward and very much quiet and stiff.

At home Merlin had watched Arthur first pace around and then mutter at himself while sitting on their living room couch and Merlin had realised that he was there just because he needed someone to tell him it was alright. Much like he had needed many times. So, Merlin went to their kitchen and made Arthur some hot chocolate, placed a mug in his hand and told him that the rain should learn some sense of time and place.

Arthur had lost his irritation the same pace he had drunk the hot chocolate and Merlin had felt that he had made the right decision. But what more, Merlin had found some confidence that he knew Arthur. That Arthur was not the perfect human being he had made him to be in his head. Not that he wasn't perfect for Merlin, but that he too had his flaws and that Merlin was not actually inferior to him, he just felt it that way. And right now he didn't trust those kind of feeling very much.

He tried to find more courage then. He took more chances socially and while he failed at times and it felt horrible to see Vivian looking at him like he had offended her gravely when he made fun of her new skirt or when Lee looked at him confused when he attempted to be funny, he pushed himself forward. It was rewarded when Gaius laughed when he formed a word 'penile' when they were playing Scrabble, when Elyan thanked him for giving him some answers for his history homework and when he managed to normalise his and Lance's relationship with practically shouting "No, no, no, no, no! We are not going to be sorry about that you tried to help me to survive PE for year and a half!" (Gwen had invited them both to her house after one of their saturday swimmings .)

Finally Merlin found a situation where he could ask Arthur for more. It was just a normal afternoon and Merlin had helped Arthur with some of his homework. Merlin had managed to stay on top of the class in biology, chemistry and physics he had been told that he would need if he wanted to apply for medical school even if he had managed to stop studying compulsively. Other subjects he did at least fine and he had found a tv-station that showed documents about at the time he normally stopped studying, so he had learned a great deal of stuff his teachers found to be a mark of his maturity, so he was doing alright.

Arthur on the other hand had started to slip. It was not a bad thing at all, he too had focused on what he found interesting when Hunith had never blamed him of not trying enough if he didn't get full marks on for example chemistry which was still Arthur's nemesis. Merlin wasn't even sure if Arthur himself had noticed that it was alright that his grades had dropped and he was ready to tell that it didn't matter if it came as a shock to his boyfriend when they would get their Christmas report cards.

Anyway, Arthur had thanked Merlin with a beaming smile when he had understood why base and acid made salt and he had asked if Merlin wanted anything in return and Merlin had managed to say "You could kiss me." while almost looking Arthur in the eye.

Arthur had not taken much time to do just that.

The kiss had been tender at first, but as soon as Merlin had fully understood that they were actually making out after all this time, he had deepened the kiss as much as he had dared.

They had been sitting leaning to their couch and soon Merlin was holding on Arthur's shirt and Arthur had wrapped his arms around Merlin's shoulders. It felt so good and for a moment Merlin forgot completely why he had not done this before. He licked Arthur's bottom lip as he remembered Arthur had done to him once and he did something he had not dared at that time. He leaned backwards and made sure Arthur followed him on the floor.

It was a bliss, feeling Arthur's weight on top of him even if Arthur was holding back. The wooden floor he was laying on shouldn't feel warm or comfortable, but at the moment it did. Arthur kept some of his weight on his hands and he sifted so he wouldn't be on top of Merlin from waist down, but Merlin took what he could. He hesitantly moved his hands on Arthur's back and hugged him close. Arthur made a soft moan at that and momentarily Merlin felt so very confident and good.

Arthur's hand wandered lower on Merlin's waist and found its way under the hem of Merlin's shirt. The touch felt first foreign, but then soon after very much welcome and Merlin wished Arthur would open the damn buttons already (he was again wearing the button up shirt), but when Arthur deepened the kiss just slightly and his other hand wrapped around Merlin's shoulders, Merlin flinched.

It was the stupid scar again, Merlin was very conscious about it. He hated the scar. It was ugly and uneven and a constant reminder of how had happened to him that day and it felt so discussing and so shameful part of his being. He never wanted to see it or touch it himself let alone Arthur seeing or touching it. It was just gross.

When Arthur moved his hand as if it had been burned, Merlin however tried to act like nothing had happened for he didn't want to stop because of the scar, he wanted to pretend nothing had happened at all, but Arthur had other ideas. He toned down the kiss and just hugged Merlin tenderly for a while being careful of not being too close of the scar or Merlin's waist or to press too strongly at Merlin. Yes, it was considerate, but Merlin felt a bit tired of considerate and a lot disappointed in himself for how he was. He really didn't manage to be relaxed, intimate or even himself with Arthur and that thought pushed him to go to a long walk that ended to Gwaine's shop that night. That night he asked if Gwaine would sell him some beer again.

* * *

Arthur was wearing himself thin. He knew it and he was quite sure that it showed too. He had tried his everything and he had found a rhythm where he always thought of how whatever he was doing, would look like. From the moment he woke up, Arthur tried to be considerate, strong and reliable till the moment he could fall asleep. In some sense it was alright. He could forget his father and his sister when he concentrated on Merlin and Hunith, but at least once in a day he felt he was not doing enough.

At times he felt desperate of Merlin's attention and at times every look or gesture Hunith made seemed like disapproval to Arthur. It was impossible to do everything right every time and most of the time he wasn't even sure what right was. Sometimes it was like he was picking sides between Merlin and Hunith and that wore Arthur down the most.

At times Merlin had just forgotten to call Hunith and it felt right enough just to tell Hunith that Merlin had asked him to tell her that he had gone to the park with Aida or that he had gone to meet Gwaine, but when Arthur had taken some clothes from their closet and he had heard a can fall, he had actually fled the closet. He wouldn't see or know anything for he couldn't find it in himself to decide if he should tell Hunith or protect Merlin. He just couldn't.

There was nothing Arthur wouldn't have done in order to get things to be normal if he just knew what that would be. The worst was the feeling that he had no idea of what to do, but the quite prominent second was that he had no idea what the normal was. Merlin was his everything, but what if there would be a time when Merlin didn't need him? Or if he couldn't help Merlin at all? Or if Merlin would find someone else to love him when he got better?

Arthur missed so much the simpler times even if thinking that made him hate himself. What had been simpler for him, had been an agony for Merlin. Also, he was not sure if there had been a time that had actually been simpler. When had they gotten to know each others? And even when they had gotten closer, had Merlin already been abused? Had he ever known Merlin completely?

Those questions hurt him in a way that at times made him wake up in the small hours. He knew it was not fair to think that Merlin had somehow betrayed him or his trust, but it was hard sometimes. He didn't hold it against Merlin, but at times he felt that they had actually met that day when Arthur had listened his father rape Merlin through the closet door.

Most of the day Arthur found some satisfaction when he managed to take care of Merlin gently, properly without initiating anything, without asking anything in return and being a bit more above the situations than he really felt. It made him feel balanced and confident about his mental strength, but there were days when he just needed some kind of release. He had started to jog and he had taken a habit of punching a punching bag that hung in a corner of the gym every time he passed it after practices. It helped some, especially the jogging, but in the long run he just needed to see Merlin smile.

Aida had proven herself to be pretty good with that one and Arthur had enjoyed very much on seeing how Merlin had lost his fear to touch that energy ball everyone else seemed to call a child. He also loved how relaxed Merlin seemed after he returned from Gaius' house or how he told some things he had found funny when he returned from Gwaine's or how sleepily serene he was after he had swam with Gwen, but Arthur wanted to be the source of all that. He wanted to be the one who could make Merlin relaxed and amused and happy, but he had no idea how and that made him feel like he was running around in a maze half of the time.

When Merlin had actually asked him for a kiss, Arthur had leaped into the chance immediately. Afterwards he had been shocked of his behaviour and he thought over and over how Merlin had tensed when he had moved his hand under the hem of Merlin's shirt. Pure want hit him now and then and if Arthur had been able congratulate himself on something, he had known that he could control his urges, which mostly circled around Merlin and getting to feel him naked against his skin. He knew he had to show Merlin that he was not after his body and that he was strong enough to support them both and that he could wait as long as needed, but it felt just too much and now he he had managed to forget that when it had mattered

t took few days for Arthur to stop thinking of what he should and shouldn't have done, because even if Merlin had acted weirdly for about a day or so afterwards, he somehow did seem a bit… better? Or maybe Arthur was just hoping, but when Merlin had still nuzzled close to him when they had gone to sleep two nights in a row before he had even put his under Merlin's pillow (he had grown used on sleeping like that and it felt foreign if he had no weight on his arm). he had decided to take a deep breath and just hope they were alright. He just needed to take a hold of himself and try harder. Unknown to Arthur, he was quite near a complete burn out, but he kept going. He felt he could do more and he would. Until Merlin would either get better or reject him or the world would end, Arthur was determined to keep going.

He was alright, he kept telling himself. Not everything was for the worse, not even a portion of it. Hunith let him go to meet his friends and she didn't call him on his grades even if Arthur knew he was supposed to be able to put more work on them. That caused him to actually try a bit more than he would have gotten energy at the moment and once in awhile, Arthur actually left the house to hang out with his friends. It had felt weird at first, that he had been able to just say 'Can I go to Elyan's?' and Hunith had answered 'Yes, come home by eight, please. Will you drive there?'. Every time Arthur still prepared an excuse in his mind, but he was gradually coming to terms that Hunith didn't need them. So he mostly went to see some friends from his team when Merlin went to swim or to Gaius'. When Merlin was home, Arthur still felt responsibility to stay home with him.

It was already november when Arthur was walking back home from Bedivere's place (he lived just about a kilometre away from where Arthur lived now). He had for once let himself to listen Merlin's words rather than his gestures and thought it was alright to go and play video games with his friends while Merlin was alone at home. It had been fun and all, but now that Arthur was getting nearer to home, he felt so tired… He just wanted to go to sleep. It was almost eight o'clock too and tomorrow he would have to start another week of practices and school and everything… Arthur was mostly happy to see the front door of his home and just a bit spaced out when Hunith ran from the direction of the park to catch Arthur before he could reach the door.

"Have you seen Merlin? He's not with you…?" was the greeting he got and Arthur's mind went on alert at once. "He's not home?" He asked before he could think of what was the right thing to do and when Hunith shook her head, Arthur didn't care anymore. There was just this alarm in his head warning him of every worst case scenarios and a voice blaming him for leaving anywhere at all.

"No! I hoped he was with you. I thought he was at home, but when I came here, the lights were off and he doesn't pick up his phone. I went to Gaius and to Gwaine's, but they have not seen him…" Hunith sounded desperate and Arthur saw that she was close of crumbing. He didn't see that often, but when he did, it felt like the world was ending. He couldn't shoulder this alone and he felt momentarily helpless, but then a thought hit him. He just might know where Merlin was.

"I might know where Merlin is. Let me just put my things upstairs." He said with a tone he hoped would calm Hunith down. She nodded and Arthur patted her shoulder before hurrying upstairs. He knew Merlin spend time in their closet and when he opened the door to their unlighted room, he noticed Merlin's phone on their desk and while Merlin did leave his phone in Arthur's car if they drove to school because it was raining or to their desk if he was home, he never left it if he left somewhere alone nowadays and Arthur wished so much that was the case now too.

He checked their bathroom for he had found Merlin sulking from their tub a couple of times, but then he went to the most probable place, their closet.

It was dark and very much quiet, but some hangers were not placed naturally and seeing that, Arthur relaxed immediately and he sat down in the middle of the closet. Partly because he wanted to be on the same level than Merlin and partly because his legs felt soft all of a sudden. "You mother is worried you know." He said quietly and he saw the hangers shift immediately. So Merlin was indeed in their closet and the relief that washed over Arthur. That realisation gave him energy to do whatever he needed to do for Merlin, again.

"I'm going out now and I will tell Hunith that you will be home in an hour." He said and stood up. He was not sure this was the right decision, but he just couldn't drag Merlin out of his hiding place now. He hoped he would never have to do this again.

When he didn't hear any reply immediately, Arthur just stood up and jogged downstairs. He told Hunith he would be back soon and that he was sure Merlin was alright. Hunith told she wanted to come with him, but Arthur told her it was better if she waited here incase Merlin came back. It was maybe the first time Arthur had lied like this to Hunith and he seriously vowed that he would never do this again, not even for Merlin. It felt that wrong.

Arthur jogged to Gwaine's shop just to have a direction to go and he caught Gwaine standing just in front of his shop, looking like he was waiting for someone. "So now you are here too. So Merlin has really vanished into thin air?" Gwaine asked nonchalantly when Arthur was close enough, but Arthur could hear from his tone that Gwaine was as worried as he would have been if he had not known Merlin was actually just hiding in their closet.

Arthur sighed. He had no strength left to lie to Gwaine too and make up a story of where Merlin was so he just blurted out "Merlin is alright. I just came to kill some time before I'll go to tell Hunith that his son is not in trouble." He tried to sound like he was cool with all this. Gwaine looked at him eyebrows high and a question on his lips.

Arthur sighed again. "He sometimes hides in our closet and drinks, I guess thanks to you…" Arthur said not being able to hide the accusation in his tone. It took a moment, but soon Gwaine broke into a grin. He was obviously relieved, but there was also this stupidly pleased tone when he said "Oh that. I'm actually pretty pleased with myself about that."

Ok, this was not the response Arthur had been waiting for and he looked at Gwaine puzzled. He got even more stupidly self-satisfied grin in return and Gwaine took his moment before he bothered to explain. "I sell him tonic water. Tastes bad enough to be an alcoholic drink but is actually soda."

"Really…?" Arthur asked not convinced at all and Gwaine gestured him to come inside. "Yep, I even made some room to my fridge for it." He said happily and provided Arthur a sandwich. Arthur looked at the yellow cans Gwaine gestured while taking a bite of the filled bread that tasted like life itself at the moment. He hadn't even realised how hungry he had been.

"It's great that you take care of Merlin, but remember to take care of yourself also. He will not forgive himself if something happens to you because of him." Gwaine said causing Arthur to snap out of his staring of the tonic water cans that were placed next to the brand of beer Arthur remembered drinking with Merlin in his room what seemed like a lifetime ago. He would never drink that brand of beer in his life.

"Huh?" he asked not quite getting what Gwaine was saying even if his words were pretty clear. "I mean that you are doing too much. Remember that you too need help from time to time." Gwaine continued and Arthur continued staring. Why did Gwaine tell this to him when Merlin was the one who needed support? Why was anyone worried about him when he was just been provided what he assumed was a free sandwich and he had just been visiting a friend he had not needed an excuse for? When he had Merlin to go home to?

"I'm not the one who needs taking care of." He said like it was the absolute truth and Gwaine sighed. "Yes you are. Everyone needs taking care of and your situation is not the most fortunate of all. Remember to ask for help before you collapse, it will not do good for anybody, believe me."

There was something in Gwaine's words that Arthur wanted to believe desperately, but at the same time the side he had been using of himself just brushed it off as something he didn't need right now. He kind of thought of talking to someone or asking of help while he walked back home to tell Hunith that there was no need to worry, but he felt that he had no options. Not really. Elyan knew and Gwen too, but Arthur felt that they should rather sympathise with Merlin, he didn't want to complain to them and while he had many friends in his team, he had not seen them outside the practices before this autumn very often and he had no idea of how to talk to any of them about his situation. Besides how would he even start? 'Merlin was heavily abused and raped, but I feel bad because every time he sits too close to me, I get a hard on and I can't do anything about it.' Yes, marvellous. He needed someone to ask what he was supposed to do and there was no way any of his friends could help with that. Going to therapy didn't seem like an option either. It felt like admitting to everyone including himself that he was too weak after all.

Hunith was waiting for him at the front door and she was eager for the news. It felt bad to tell her that Merlin was alright and would be home in an hour even if that was technically true. It was hard not to tell the truth when someone really trusted his word. Hunith was clearly in agony and she clearly felt that Arthur was doing better job at taking care of Merlin than she was, but Arthur just felt ashamed of himself. He wanted to tell Hunith that he had known where Merlin was just because they shared the closet and he didn't feel at all worth of the trust that was given to him, but he managed to tell Hunith he would go to shower now and walk to his room alright.

To his surprise Merlin was sitting on their couch even if the lights were still off. Arthur turned the lights on, sat next to Merlin and turned their tv on just to create some background noise before he talked. "Gwaine was also worried… your mother had been there." He said mostly to make Merlin feel guilty. Merlin nodded looking ashamed and Arthur immediately regretted his former thoughts. "I told him you are all right…." He tried but Merlin looked even more guilty.

"I shouldn't have disappeared like that… " Merlin said softly. It wasn't exactly a tone that seemed sad or pained, but it pulled Arthur's heartstrings in the way only Merlin could. He gently placed his hands on Merlin's cheeks and guided him to look his eyes. "I didn't mean it like that… It's not like you really disappeared… I'm happy that you are somewhere safe rather than sitting alone in some park or something. Just sent me a text or something next time. I can tell everyone that you are with me…" He said as gently as he could.

Merlin sighed and shook his head a bit sadly, but then he leaned closer and let his forehead rest on Arthur's shoulder. Arthur wrapped his arms loosely around Merlin's shoulders. Merlin felt warm and when he turned his head so his nose nuzzled Arthur's neck, he melted and hugged Merlin stronger. Gwaine's words echoed in his mind but right now, it was enough that Merlin was next to him like this. They sat like that for a while and Arthur only realised how desperately he had needed to be close to Merlin when he sighed again and slowly first straightened his back and then stood up.

"I'll go to talk with mother now." Merlin said with a quiet but determined tone. Arthur could just watch him walk out of the room. He listened Merlin's footsteps for a while, but when he heard Hunith's surprised tone, Arthur decided to take the shower he had planned on taking. He felt a bit unsure of how Hunith would react to his lie and he didn't want to hear her reaction through a door, but when he was standing under a pleasantly cool shower, Arthur couldn't think of anything else than how much he admired Merlin. He was always full of surprises. He reacted to many things in a way Arthur couldn't even comprehend, but always there was this strength and courage and intelligence behind Merlin's actions and Arthur both envied it and loved it. He really did respect Merlin and he would do them both a favour if he remembered it more often.

* * *

Merlin had been officially fed up with himself today. It hadn't much helped that is was sunday and his morning walk had been ruined by at least hundred dog walkers and children alongside their parents who had gathered in the park. If he could, he would have told his mother that he wasn't going to school tomorrow just so he could go to the park in the middle of the day to enjoy the emptiness of the space and be alone in the open. But he couldn't. Not because he thought that his mother would tell him no, but that he was afraid that his mother wouldn't tell him no. If he let himself slip, it would be too easy to start skipping school regularly and he couldn't have that.

When his mother had left to do some shopping done and Merlin had managed to convince Arthur that he really would be fine alone, he had expected to be happy in the quiet house, but even that had not been enough, so Merlin had found himself from the closet again.

The time somehow lost its meaning for Merlin in there. He dug a can of tonic water from its hiding place and sipped the warm, bitter liquid in small sips while he tried to arrange what he had been so irritated of himself today. Most of it was nothing new, but there was this need to do something. Just about anything. He had taken some steps forward and he had been less and less tired lately, but the new energy he had gradually stored inside of him had no direction and he just wished people around him would demand more from him so he could start using the energy while not actually making any decisions about on what he should use it.

That brought him back to why he was so fed up with himself. Why was he so incapable of just taking a hold of himself and stopping this nonsense? He wanted others to do so much for him all the time and what did he himself do? He wanted so much just go out and say that ok, now I'll start to live normal life, but still he was sitting here, in a dark corner sipping lukewarm liquid from a can. It felt like he was actually keeping himself in the past deliberately, but today, this corner was the first place where he could breath.

After an hour or maybe two Merlin heard his mother open the door of their room, but he thought nothing of it. The door closed soon after and Merlin took another sip. He was happy that he had found a place nobody actually looked him from. The other place he could have gone was Gaius' garden, but it was already too cold for that and Merlin didn't feel like freezing his toes off now that it was not necessary.

Merlin inspected lazily the can in his hand. When Gwaine had told Merlin that he saw Hunith's point, Merlin had gotten so irritated that it had been a wonder how he had managed to not lash out on Gwaine too. Gwaine had seen it of course and he had seemed conflicted and uneasy. For a while Merlin had been quite sure that he could make Gwaine change his mind, but when Gwaine had told him that he was sorry that he had let it go this far, Merlin had immediately dropped that plan. He didn't want to make Gwaine feel that he had caused Merlin to get addicted to alcohol because he really hadn't. Merlin had been just fine without alcohol for weeks and he just wanted something for the taste, really.

He had told this all to Gwaine who had looked at him seriously. "I know, that you are much smarter than I was at your age, so what you say you need, I will get it to you." He had finally said and Merlin had known there was just one way to go with this kind of trust. "Do you have anything that's non-alcoholic?" He had asked with a sigh and when Gwaine had beamed at him, Merlin had managed to forget even why he came in the first place. While he felt just a bit manipulated by Gwaine, he knew he would be at least a bit proud of himself in the future and he recognised that moment as one of those he would have regretted tomorrow if he had done any differently.

They had sampled about every soda and the only non-alcoholic cider and beer Gwaine had in store. Most of the sodas were too sweet and Merlin really didn't like the non-alcoholic beer, it tasted like someone had made a juice from barley. He had told all that to Gwaine who had finally gone to take some tonic water from his own fridge. That had tasted horrible, but a lot closer to what Merlin had wanted and for him, Gwaine had ordered tonic water in cans to his store. Now that he was used to the taste, it served its purpose. It actually tasted quite good when Gwaine poured some cold tonic water for him with ice and a slice of lemon, but still even if Merlin knew he could store his stash to the fridge, he had still hidden it like he had used to. It felt stupid that the familiarity of times he would rather erase brought him comfort, but he guessed that even if it was stupid, he could hide few cans of soda if it made him relax.

He was almost ready to get out of his hiding place when Arthur opened the closet door. Merlin froze for he didn't want Arthur to ask what he was doing, but when Arthur talked, he lost his ability to speak for entirely different reason. That Arthur had obviously known that Merlin hid himself into their closet didn't even matter compared to the sinking feeling that he had made his mother worry. Of course his mother didn't know where he was, he had wanted it that way! And he had even shut the light! And his cellphone… oh God it was on the table and it was on silent mode…

Arthur left before Merlin could say or do anything and he let his head fall into his knees. Oh just splendid, what was it when one got beyond being fed up with oneself? This was just ridiculous. Arthur had given him an hour to collect himself and he had given Merlin an opportunity to keep his hiding place a secret at least from his mother, but enough was enough. Right now was his chance to tell himself that this kind of behaviour wouldn't do. Even if his mother and especially Arthur left him off the hook with things that Merlin knew they shouldn't have, he had now crossed the border where he wouldn't stand himself anymore.

Merlin drank the rest of his soda down with one gulp and grimaced, it had lost all of its bubbles a long time ago and was closer to the temperature of his hand than the room. 'God that was hideous' he thought and exited the closet. He looked at the dark room and walked slowly to their window. He saw his mother spacing if front of their house and it was just so sad. Merlin sat down on their couch and he felt empty. He had caused this and so much more worry and distress. It was just… he really hadn't meant to do that.

He could have gone to his mother right then, but Merlin knew he would have to answer to the question of where he had been as soon as his mother saw him and for that, Merlin needed to prepare himself. The question was of course, could he give up the place he could use for relaxing, for breathing freely and for an escape. Just thinking of losing that made Merlin's breathing quicken.

In the end he gave himself time until Arthur would return. He would have until then to decide. When Arthur came back, Merlin was not much closer of knowing what he was going to do or say and going downstairs felt scary and too soon, just too soon.

Arthur's words made Merlin feel every ounce of his own guild mixed with fear that everyone could see how despicable human being he was. Why or how his mother and Arthur and Gwaine and so many others didn't see all the things he was at once was a mystery to him, but when he felt Arthur hold onto him with the same desperation he was leaning onto Arthur, he knew that he still had time to do the right thing. If he continued on being selfish all the time, he would for sure lose everything in the end. Even himself, but he still had time and he was ready now.

When Merlin walked down the stairs, his mother saw him immediately. She had been standing by the front door obviously unable to make herself lose the sight of the road that was supposed to take Merlin home. It almost seemed like a compromise already that she was still not waiting outside.

"Merlin? I don't understand..." Her tone was confused and somewhat hurt and Merlin felt a sudden pity towards his mother. She and Arthur, they both had placed him before themselves and now Merlin understood what that truly meant. They both had been hurt for a long time too and now when Merlin could just concentrate on himself, they had put mostly everything on hold just to be there for him if he needed them at any second of any day for anything. When was it that he had seen his mother go to have some time for herself in months? Hadn't this day been the first time Arthur had actually left to see his friends while Merlin was home? The friends Merlin still refused to spend time with outside of school and football while Arthur had made a habit of putting up with Vivian every other lunch.

It turned out there had not been anything to think about. When Merlin had managed to get them seated on their living room couch, he just explained it all to his mother. He told her how he had not realised that he should call her if he didn't leave the house, how he had somehow expected that his mother knew if he had left or not much in the same way she had also seemed to know everything when he had been little.

He told her how it felt stupid and that he had created himself a setting in their new home that was hundred times safer than the closet in Uther's house had ever been. "I don't know if I do it because it feels familiar or not… am I really that simple?" He asked at one point and Hunith, who had lost the sharpest edge of her worry smiled at him a bit "Even if it is simple, it doesn't make your feelings any less important, remember that."

It had been very important to hear his mother say things like that and Merlin found some more confidence to share details when his mother paid him all the attention and interest in the world. He told her about the tonic water too and he even confessed that he had planned on buying beer again. He could almost say it proudly now, that he didn't in the end and that it had been his own choice.

Still, it felt like there was this something Merlin couldn't make disappear. That something was like a dark cloud behind his mother's thoughts and Merlin couldn't feel satisfied with this conversation until that something was gone and they could have a moment where they both were relaxed and content for once.

He tried to assure his mother that he wouldn't hide again, even in their own home. He tried to include her on making up a new way he could be alone if he wanted to but still be on plain sight. He tried to make her laugh, but while his mother responded, the tension was still there.

It was only when Merlin tried to joke on how hard it had been to get Arthur out of the house and leave him alone that his mother seemed to withdraw towards that dark cloud and said hesitantly "Maybe it would be better if you weren't here alone..." that Merlin understood.

This was a topic Merlin had felt a couple of times that maybe they should talk about, but it had felt too embarrassing and too much like like there was a risk of making her mother or Arthur worried of something they might not had even thought before, but now it was obvious that at least Hunith had.

"Mom… There is no problem of leaving me here alone." He said with a gentle tone. He needed his mother to understand this. "But..." Hunith started looking unsure of what to say, like she didn't want to disturb her son or make him upset. "I won't hurt myself." it was easy to interrupt his mother and Hunith closed her mouth immediately. The dark cloud was now in front of them.

"I know I have in the past, but it was… " Merlin had to think fast and carefully of how he was going to phrase this, he needed to make his mother see it how he had seen it for a long time now. "pointless, it was pointless. There was a time when I thought it helped and I did think once that maybe I should just die."

Hunith's hands started to shake and Merlin took a hold of them firmly. His words felt heavy like the cloud had turned to a mist of lead all of a sudden, but it had been needed to be said. Merlin couldn't let his mother to guess anymore.

"But even then, I didn't want to… in the end I didn't even try. And I certainly have no reason to want that now. Please, trust me on this. I will not hurt myself anymore. I promise." Merlin saw hesitation and fear and while he said the words, they didn't seem to be enough. His mother would need to learn with time that she could trust on what Merlin was trying to tell her now. Much like Merlin had needed to see somethings that had been told to him by the people he trusted the most too. He felt the scars on his thigh burn and he had never been this ashamed of them.

"If you don't want me to be alone, it's alright… but I need to have time for myself when I know nobody will interrupt me." Merlin said still gently but firmly. He really meant it. When no-one had known he was in the closet, he knew there would be no interruptions or nothing unpredictable and if he had to single something out he needed the most, then that was it.

Hunith looked at him seriously and then nodded many times. She couldn't keep it in anymore and she broke down. She hugged Merlin to hide the ugly face where every muscle of her face tried to strengthen every line and wrinkle of worry, sadness, hurt and fear she had formed over the years. She had lived through her parents death, her love's death and poverty, but she knew that she would not live if she lost Merlin too.

"Mom… It's alright, I'm safe now, we are safe now." Merlin whispered sounding much like the five years old boy who had clinged to her and asked 'but we have each other, right?' and Hunith cried on. "But you quitted the therapy..." she sobbed and she herself felt like the young girl who had sobbed against Balinor's shoulder that she was afraid to be alone.

Her son, her life hugged her close and just then Hunith felt how much stronger her son had grown to be, how much better he had eaten, how he had gained weight and exercised and how soon she could not call him her boy anymore. Merlin was growing up to be the man Hunith had always known he would grow.

"I know I'm not alright yet, but I am safe. I promise." Merlin told her softly and there was no promise Hunith would have wished more would hold when time went on.

"I love you, my child, I love you so much." Hunith breathed against Merlin's shoulder and she felt Merlin nod. "I love you too… I guess I can say you are the woman of my life..." Merlin said with a bit playful tone and Hunith chuckled through her sobbing. How had she been blessed with such a wonderful son she would never know.

* * *

When they had managed to calm down, Hunith had made them a light evening snack. Arthur had looked tired and quite nervous. Even when Hunith had just thanked him from the bottom of her heart how Arthur had been there for Merlin, he looked quite uncomfortable.

Neither of them really had much energy to anything for this night, so they soon retired to their rooms. Only Merlin had energy to be worried of Arthur, he didn't seem fine. He looked tired and far too worried, but there was not much Merlin could do besides to get him to sleep now.

"Do you want to read a bit? I want to know where the murder weapon was hidden..." Arthur said suddenly bending to get 'The complete Sherlock Holmes' from their book shelve. They had been reading that one after Arthur had come to a conclusion that he would have at least something to talk to Vivian if he educated himself a bit on her favourite theme.

"Um, sure… I'll just change." Merlin told not really interested in reading at the moment, but unable to say no to Arthur even if he seemed too tired to read too. When the closet door closed behind him, Merlin realised how tired Arthur had been and still gone out to 'look for Merlin'. It was unreal how much Arthur kept doing for him and why did he want to read now? Because he thought Merlin would want to? Hopefully not because Merlin just wanted to sleep Arthur's arm under his pillow at the moment.

But if Arthur did want to read, he would, but wasn't there anything else he could do? Uther's 'make me happy now' again echoed inside of his head and Merlin attempted on hitting his head lightly on the edge of one of the shelves to get rid of that thought, but managed on hitting a corner instead.

He crumbled under his breath when the side of his head collided with the sharp corner. Of all the stupid… was this counted as self harm? Better not be for he had no desire of going back to the conversation he had had with his mother so soon…

The sharp pain reduced quickly and there was no blood and nothing like that so Merlin just glared at the corner that was not lined up with the rest of the corners. But seriously, was there anything he could do for Arthur? He himself would have liked a kiss pretty much in every situation, but thinking of kissing Arthur felt more of a reward to himself and so did any kind of cuddling and touching, so he dismissed those feeling a bit sad.

Just when Merlin had given up on having anything to give to Arthur and had reached for his pyjama, his eyes laid on the black satin pyjama Arthur had bought to him. He hadn't worn it yet. Gwen had told him it was 'sexy and sensual', but Merlin couldn't see himself as sexy at all and what in the world was 'sensual'anyway? So wearing that had felt just ridiculous, but Arthur had asked why he hadn't at least twice so…

Merlin reached for the satin pyjama, but his hand stopped just centimeters before he could reach it. He almost felt a wave of thoughts nearing his consciousness. He took a deep breath and took the pyjama before he could over think it. It was just a pyjama and Arthur had bought it himself so it was not like he had any right to complain in any way if Merlin wore it.

So that was it. Merlin stacked his clothes neatly for tomorrow, he could use at least his jeans again, and put on the pyjama. The satin felt cold and a bit weird against his skin, but he would not second guess anything so he just walked out of the closet while deciding not to seem like he had even noticed which of his pyjamas he had chosen.

Arthur was sitting on their couch, reading already. Merlin scoffed lightly to ask Arthur 'if you can read alone, where did you need me for' with a joke included. Arthur just rolled his eyes at the book, but Merlin understood 'what fun would be in that?'. He just now realised they did this a lot. Some warmth spread inside of him at that thought and the satin didn't feel cold anymore.

Merlin sat next to Arthur and bought his legs up to the couch. Arthur just then glanced at him and Merlin blushed a bit when Arthur's gaze dropped to his pyjama. He saw Arthur's concentration sift from he book to his body and Arthur's mouth fall slightly open before he seemingly collected himself with effort and focused on the book again. "It seems that there's more to this story than just the murder weapon, but you have already read this, so we can just continue from here?" Arthur asked and Merlin made a sound of agreement, but he as sure as hell was not interested at the book now.

What had it been about today that had opened his eyes like this? He had seen similar expressions on Arthur's face before, but just now he felt he could trust on what he saw. It wasn't about reading, if Arthur had wanted to read this book because he had a mission to get Vivian off his case, Arthur would have sat down and read the damn book. He was like that, a mission was a mission and he would complete it as fast and effectively as possible, not wait for days so they could read it together. So what was his purpose here? Arthur was obviously tired and the way he had looked at Merlin… and the book now. It had been much like what Merlin felt every time he saw Arthur without shirt on and the way he looked at the book was way too intense to be sincere.

Merlin was too tired to take chances, but he took one nonetheless. He reached for Arthur's neck and guided him gently to rest his head on his lap. Arthur let him do that without a blink and Merlin just hoped his lap felt even half as good as Arthur's did.

Arthur kept looking at the book, but his eyes weren't moving so Merlin assumed he was fine as he was. He let his hand stroke Arthur's hair slowly and when he saw Arthur closed his eyes, Merlin just smiled fondly. He hadn't been wrong then and seeing that Arthur enjoyed the closeness so much made him feel high on happiness.

"You know I'm not after you know… anything really..." Arthur muttered and let the book fall close. "I mean I never really got interested in anyone before so it's not like I can't wait." He continued still keeping his eyes closed.

"But you want me?" Merlin asked feeling he knew the answer now, but also fearing that Arthur would tell him either that he wanted Merlin right now or that he would never want him that way. But when Arthur nodded against his thigh, Merlin felt so good that he wondered if he really was afraid to give himself completely to Arthur even if he asked for it immediately.

"I do… It's not that I have even kissed anybody else, but I just know it's only you… just, I don't want you to feel that I would do anything you don't want..." Arthur opened his eyes and looked straight into Merlin's and sounded just so serious. Merlin loved how serious Arthur could be and he admired his focus, but he also wanted to somehow make him see that there was no need to be this serious with him.

"I know." He said and smiled before he bend down to kiss Arthur's nose. It earned him a wrinkled nose and a face that was too happy to be a grimace before Arthur yawned. He really was tired and he had a long week in front of him. So did Merlin, but it didn't feel like much at the moment.

It took just a minute stroking Arthur's hair to see Arthur's eyes fall close again and soon the weight of Arthur's head grew. He was falling asleep. It didn't matter much and Merlin continued stroking the most beloved hair knowing full well that he would have to wake Arthur up if he wanted to sleep tonight.

"I love you, you know? There is nothing I wouldn't give to you..." He said softly knowing that Arthur wouldn't hear him, but feeling the meaning of his own words strong and clear. Now what he would give to the love he had, would be to stay strong and be himself. After that he could feel he was himself, he would kiss Arthur with all he was and then… he would hope that Arthur wanted more of him. He was not sure how much he would have to give for so much had been taken already, but what he got, would be Arthur's. All of it.

* * *

A/N Hi! I need a clone of myself.

About this chapter, I had it written and proofread and I was just going through it one last time before updating and then I tought: '...no.' and deleted the whole thing. And started again from a scratch. This part was a tricky one to write. Not only because everyone reacts so differently to this kind of trauma and my mind kept providing me more and more scenarios to go with, but because I want to get over with it. I could go on and on about dilemmas and everyday problems and traumas and angst and... you get the idea, but I wanted to keep the way Merlin was in the show. He really was mentaly strong and stabile and intelligent because with some well placed words from his friends he kept himself together and happy. I hope I was able to write this chapter to your satisfaction, I have to admit that I'm a bit tired and so maybe I didn't manage as well as I would have wanted.

Again, thank you so much you incredible people who reviewed! I seriously value your comments and somehow I feel that I'm getting to know some of you during this story :) Thank you for the happiness you bring to me during my somewhat hectic life.

Greedy Reader Great that you like the nothing really happens way of writing that I tend to lean into, I kind of don't like much when everytihing is made very dramatic... You are very much right, Merlin is testing his new boundaries and it's a very good thing he feels safe enough now to do that. With Uther he always just asumed Uther wouldn't like well, anything really and the fear made him very much obedient even when a rule wasn't really set... Merlin is in a very fragile state right now mentaly and his mind could be quided to many direction at the moment. He really is fortunate to have such good friends who will be good influence and will not try to manipulate him. Hmm... I had not thought of including Aithusa... I'll think about it. I re-whatched the episode you mentioned, I remembered the man, but not the name... I'm bad with names :P

\+ Good thing that didn't happen! It hurts when a platefull of possibly hot food drops on you! But I can imagine that would come into mind, Thanks for telling me your story :) I enjoy strories :)

Skypeoplephoenix732 Thank you :) I wanted to do that part from Arthur's point of view because well, we all know what Merlin was going through... he was not well and anxious and nervous and stressed and a bit angsty on the side... not that interesting and I think we all could imagine what he was thinking just by knowing what he was doing, so Arthur was more interesting one to give a voice to :) The best of luck for your audition!

mersan123 Thank you :) Yes, the healing has started and Merlin is mentaly strong, so he is now done moping too :) Nice to hear you liked the pj shopping and Hunith and the start of the school, I'm enjoying myself now more that I have things like these to write :) Thanks again to you, I really enjoy yuor reviews!

Angel Dove1 Oh no! A summer cold! They do stink! But so nice that you loved the chapter :) Ah, it's so liberating to write these kind of scenes after all this time. At least in my country they never publish victims names to protect their privacy, but I guess Uther could have used some influence and money through Aredian and his company too would have tried to cover as much as possible to save the compani from bad publisity too... but anyway we can be happy that Merlin didn't have to leave through that :) I think he would have changed school then... and Arthur too. I might have to include Lance more... I don't have many scenes he is in even if he is a part of Merlin's life. Glad you liked the pyjamas, so true that he doesn't need them as reminders! And again thanks for telling me your favourite part, nice that you liked that one because I added it as an impulse in the last minute :D Thank you also for your kind words, this week has been nearly the death of me. I think things will get a bit more stabile when my work load reduces a bit (hopefully, I'm not very good at saying no to offered shifts...) Next chapter is also in dare need of rewriting, but I hope I can get it out faster than this one. Have a nice week too and until next time!

thejammysod ch 37 Hi! Welcome back :) so nice of you to review everything, thank you so much! Ah, I'm happy that I managed to make Aredian an ass he is while not going overboard with him and making him unrealsticly vilain-ly. It is horrible how in this world there are lawyers who try and do get predators and other criminals out of trouble by twisting the words of the victims and such. Great that you liked Finna's little touch, I kind of imagined myself sitting in that blue armchair the whole time I was writing that chapter. It felt weirdly surreal, like how is this situation happening while everyone are seated in these comfortable, soft michmatched armchairs... Merlin is a nervous wreck in that chapter and well, cars... not so good feelings. Uther's car was basically the only car Merlin has been alone and Percy's size can really be intimidating. (Elyan's car and Lance's car he always had Arthur with him and some random neighbours giving a ride to him and his mother in their home village don't really count) But yep, Percy is so calm and he works with people so it did good to Merlin :) Yes, we are getting to the cute scenes more regularly :3 Arthur really does need closure, I'll also change now to your next review for I want to know what you thought of the next chapter!

ch38 Oh Arthur, it really is as you said, he has no idea of what to do with his feelings at the moment, but Merlin was there to help a bit :) But still Arthur has a long way to go to understand relationships more for his family life has been... lacking and mentaly abusive for such a long time. Great that you liked Susan and Aida too! And the muffins :D They were almost a character in my head at this point... Maybe I should learn to bake muffins too... Thanks for telling me a line that madeyou laugh, I really like when people do that :)

ch39 Yep, Gaius made a mistake with starting with that line. It is now kind of forgotten, but well, the theme will be mentioned later. Keep your ees open for it ;) Otherwise Gaius really did a great job. While guessing something was this wrong with someone he has seen once a week for couple of hours for few months is not that easy and there was all this being in love wih step-brother business to give explanation for quite a many things, but Gaius really is close to Merlin and now that he knows what really ahppened, he can read Merlin quite well :) The court really did show the full asholeness of Uther and Aredian. Doing a crime is another thing, but using power and money to kepp denying it and bublicly blame Merlin of them... Uther to protect himself and safe face and Aredian simply for money. Disturbing. Great that you liked Arthur's part thought :)

ch40 Morgana, Morgana. She is kind of season four in this chapter :P But we will see her again :) I assure that it's going to be interesting ;) Yes... Merlin still has a long way to go and he is still kind of asuming the worst in every situation possible. Arthur too... we know that he did very well, he was a proper gentleman and he really only thought Merlin and his well being, but he too is very hard on himself :( People react so differently on the drinking. It's so interesting! I myself don't like underage drinking, at least if it's just a child of 13... but a glass of wine at the age of seventeen is... well... I sometimes have to comment on something like tghat in my work, and I can't just say 'Is this really an issue? Can't we all just go home and take a glass of wine and relax?'

ch41 Continuing from that thought, yep, Hunith indeed wanted to adress the whole issue and she stayed up late thinking of her game plan. She also gave herself some time to calm down before talking to the boys. Setting rules to Merlin is very important rigt now, he needs them and he needs boundaries. What has happened is not an excuse to do things that are not right and especially in his situation he will benefit from learning again how to obey a parent is not a bad thing... It really is a part of the healing. I'm sorry to hear that about your brother, I quess it explains why you are so protective over him, you really seem very compasionate and nice person :) You are so right, Arthur really needs to learn to depend on others too, but he needs time... we will get to that in the next chapter ;) Yep, Cedric is a type of person who likes to step on others in order to climp up the social ladder... he would definitely use what he could against Merlin... but we will see and for now what has happened is very much a secret. The city is big and at least in my country names in cases like this are never revealed in order to proect the victims. The football tram really likes Merlin (who wouldn't?) and It's great that you liked them and Gwen too :) Also the pyjamas... we will hear about that satin one later, promise! ;)

Kao You are one mean cookie! Oh, people can be so mean and the comment you suggested, was not that farfetched at all nor the reaction Arthur might have to it, but of finding out what has happened, not so easy. I have left the city nameless on purpose, but I have been imagining it to be about the same size as maybe London or something like that. At least here in those kind of cases there are no names mentioned or even city. Of course some parents know Uther and they will get to know that he is in prison and some of them might even tell their kids, but to connect it with the news is not so easy and how many teenagers even read newspapers? Arthur is also something like a school hero for his succes in footbal and the fact that he was able to lead older kids than he himself was and is, so not many would buly him. Merlin is another story, but connecting a crime to him is a bit far fetched. I too felt that Gwen was made a bit too two dimensional in the laterseasons, so I wanted to keep every personal trait she had in the former onces. I guess that I left her in the state where she didn't have to go throught her father's death or the drama between herself, Arthur and Lancelot. Glad that you liked the merlthur, the rest of the sory ill have a lot more of it that the begining of the story (obviously...) I too would wish that Lance would get back to be their coach, but that rarely happens. There are other parets who also complained when Uther made them aware of the situation. :( And besides, why would Lance want to come back when he has a stabile job now and he can keep them all as his friends? He is happy now, if you want, I can write a bit more about him for I have barely nothing at the moment. I'm still open for suggestions ;)

Insanereviewer :D You are in the borderline of getting cut off all the time, so copy-pasteing is a good stradegy ;) So nice to hear that I don't have to update as often... it calms me. I will update, that is not a question here, so now that there are people telling me it's alright to take more time, I feel confident again :) I'll continue with my original chapter-plan and I will update at least once a week :) That mock trial seriously sounds like so much fun, I wish I had something like that... Alright, one person wants me to write the epilogue, I'll remember that :) I think I'll write it even if you were the only reader for that :) Ah, the legends... I have read many of those. Originaly Mordred was son of Arthur and Morgana and while that is interesting, I'm not willing to go there. But, now that you wished for an epilogue, Mordred wil be mentioned even if I'm going to ignore that part of Arthurian legend (and the tv-series too). No worries, Morgana will appear later and she will interact with Merlin. They have both gone through the same abuse, but their reactions are very different, as you said. ...I try so much not to lecture... but well, if you were not bored of offended, then I guess it was alright... :P Vegetarians and vegans are very ... I want to say knowledgeble of their diet. Lacto-ovo vegetarian includes milk and eggs in their diet and a vegetarian might include things that are not exactly meat, like gelatin, in their diet. There are also lacto-ovo-pesco vegetarians who also eat fish. There are many words and many type of vegetarians... I'm lost most of the time so I tend to ask people how they want to eat if they are close enough for me to care. Interesting topic, but at times a bit hard if someone refuses to eat too many things. Ah, Hunith to saty firm... That was not an easy thing to do, but a very right one! That Merin is testing his boundaries with his mother tells us that he feels safe enough to do that. Lets be happy for that :) Gwaine was scarred for life, that much I can tell you ;) There is a lot that Arthur has to be reminded of, he has himself been mentally abused for years... I might have added that purples tiped giraffe commen because you liked it in the court chapter :P Ah, I have deliberately avoided of naming any cities or places in this story, but think the city they live in about the same size than London for example. And add to that how many teenagers actually read newspapers... The lazy coach is not based on anyone, but if you find a character that fits the bill, it can be arranged :) Yes, lets hate the Cretin for what he has done. Even with this... shall I say ideal support group around Merlin, it will take a lot of time to heal. Yay! Favourite line! I love those :) Makes me feel like I have a sense of humour :D Great that you liked Gwen and their friendship, I think it's very sad that some people make such an issue of sexuality and by God did Merlin deserve to hear that his closest friend in this town is on his side. Trust, yes, I second everything ou said. Trust is such a beautiful thing and it makes relationships open and honest and just right. I think that was very nice in the show also, how Arthur grew to trust Merlin even if his behaviour at times was... interesting. There were many moments where Merlin stole keys and read confidental documents and such stuff and even if Arthur saw something was off, he never adressed it, not really and he kept trusting on Merlin. Even as the only person he could really trust. It was so nice and I wanted to bring that trust in my story too :) Merlin refused to be _that_ gay, there is a difference. I'm not very womanly woman, but at times I find myself from situations where I could squell to fluffy things like a little girl and I refuse, absolutely refuse to do that if it's not just the closest people to me around. :P This is really just inside my head, but I kind of wanted to show how Merlin also has these kind of moments and with time he will get more comfortable of his sexual identity and of showing those kind of moments to Arthur, who is, of course, very much the closest, most loved person in his life. I'll keep in mind that I can take my time and I'll keep on writing insanely long chapters, thank you for your support and these insanely long reviews! I hope to see you again :)

Guest Chacha Gwaine sure got a lecture he will not forget easily... That Merlin is testing his boundaries actually is a sign that he feels safe enough in his relationship with his mother that he can do that. Both of our boys will get a wider social circle they have needed for years now, I hope it's enjoyable to read :) Thank you so much for your compliment, I really feel at times that I want to start to explain everything in detail and when I manage to supres that, I feel that maybe I didn't expres some of the characteristics well enough... Oh! i have totaly forgotten Lance interacting with Elyan and Gwen's father... I have to add something of that to somewhere... Just for fun, he and Gwen are not really my focuse, but I have notes of their story :P (I have made a lot of notes for this story...) Ah, normal is such many things, the immediate danger is over, but Merlin will never be the same person he was before Uther nor will Arthur be the one he was before he found out what his father had done. Normal is something they have to create form a scratch and live, but it might take some time. Writers dying would explain how many unfinished stories there are in ff, but no worries, I'm not intending on dying :D I have found writing as something fun and it's kind of a habbit now, so I hope it will continuein the future too and I manage to write stories that interest at least some. I actually have another story in line for I got a reguest, but I'll advertice it when this story is finished ;) I'm not sure if I want to say that one can play a child when they have already grown up, but we all grow up to be different kind of adults. Even as we grow we won't lose our ability to play or have fun and we can ourselves deside to nurture those features in ourself. For me, it has become more controlled, but I still find simple joys of eating chocolate cake as breakfast and painting little hearts in my nails (just to name two I did resently). People talk, they do little else, but find what you think is important and do your best for it and then... relax. I have myself found many times when I have thought I should act, do or be something, but in the end, the most important people just want to see me relaxed and happy and just myself. As for the world needing psy, well, we especially need those who are comfortable and stable with themselves, so I wish you well in both, becoming a psy and being happy as who you are :)

Guest What a lovely thing to hear, thank you so much! Hectic is really the word I have been looking for...


	43. Chapter 43 - Arthur's bad day

Merlin was getting better. That was clear to Hunith. It wasn't that he had suddenly changed or started to act differently per se, but there was just something more controlled and more calm in her son's behaviour and just in weeks it was obvious that a new leaf had been turned.

At times Merlin still reacted very strongly to normal things, but he talked and he didn't hide anymore. He still took long walks, but they seemed to be getting more and more tied to time and less to growing irritation. He had started to call Will again, he had invited Gwen to visit and he had let Aida see his room. He had even leaned to Arthur when they had been watching a movie in their living room and Hunith knew how much that meant to all of them. Merlin was getting more comfortable of showing himself in whole to others.

There was still a long way to go, of course. For Merlin and for Hunith and for Arthur and for them all to get together and understand each other's. To Hunith, it seemed that she didn't have enough words, not enough understanding nor opportunities to express how much she just wanted to make her boys feel that they were loved as they were and how happy she was to have them both. How she knew they would make the best of themselves and how much good things the future could bring for them and how much she wanted to be there to protect them from all the bad that might come, however little things they would be.

While she had watched Merlin find will to actively heal himself and Hunith had found the worry that had turned her world unclear and grey lessen, she had started to see more clearly. Merlin had started to talk to her more and that certainly did help, but Hunith was also learning again to watch her son and understand and trust what was left unsaid. It felt like she had been in a mist she had grown so familiar with that she had forgotten it was there.

While the late autumn weather grew cold and unpleasant, Hunith found herself feeling that the days were more beautiful. She found things she had forgotten she had enjoyed in the past again and she gradually managed to leave the house and enjoy her own time. At first it had been just some tea at Susan's place after school, but when Merlin had told her it was alright and that he would use the opportunity and invite Gwen over, Hunith had found herself from a nice restaurant downtown with four of her school friends.

Still, it had been her therapist who commented on how chipper she looked to make Hunith pay attention to the fact that she was getting better too. Hunith's therapist was a young man who somehow managed to make sweaters seem stylish. He was thin and his hair was fashionably messy and if Hunith asked about his woollen sock he had started to wear when the weather had gotten chillier, he would tell very proudly how his girlfriend was excellent with knitting. He was a very easy person to like, but most of all, he was an excellent therapist for Hunith.

In all loss she had suffered, she had never been able to have this luxury for herself and she was grateful for every second of it. The young man who she had doubted a bit first because of his age, was nice and understanding and he could make her think everything from different angles and give her confidence. It seemed like a miracle to Hunith who had been so alone in this aspect for such a long time. The therapy made her feel that she didn't have to shoulder her problems alone, that there was someone who cared but for who she didn't have the obligation to do the same and that was very… liberating for the lack of better word.

That night Hunith came home to see Merlin baking an apple pie with Aida who was mixing something in a bowl with such concentration that she didn't even notice Hunith before she asked her what she was making. Merlin was all smile and Hunith was, not for the first time, so very happy how well he was getting along with Aida nowadays. She was good for him, Hunith was sure of that.

"I'm feeling better…" the words were out of her mouth before she really thought of them and when Merlin turned to look at her a bit puzzled but then understanding, Hunith knew that Merlin was as happy to hear that as Hunith was to see Merlin like this, happy, in a middle of their small, messy kitchen, guiding Aida who was standing on a stool so she could reach better.

"Me too." Merlin just said and something inside Hunith was lifted higher. There was no return to the grey world anymore, the shapes edge of hurt had been defeated. She could tell that from experience and when she gave her son a tender hug she knew that Merlin felt it too. It was a positive circle where they lifted each other's spirits while they felt better with themselves and their lives.

Soon, however, it was not Merlin who Hunith was the most worried about, but Arthur. He tried too much in Hunith's opinion and he took too much responsibility of himself and Merlin. Hunith tried, she really tried to talk to Arthur directly and she tried to make him relax indirectly, but she saw that it wasn't helping. She couldn't reach Arthur the way she wanted to.

She would tell Arthur to go have some fun with friends and Arthur would tell her that he wanted to be home instead. She tried to ask him to invite some friends over then, but Arthur would only invite Elyan and Gwen who Merlin was comfortable with. She gathered Arthur to listen the stories Balinor had enjoyed and Hunith had read to Merlin during his childhood now and then and Arthur did sit down and listen, but he wasn't relaxed, not really and he looked like he didn't want to be a bother. Hunith had asked if Arthur was alright and he had said that he was, never better, nothing wrong at all. She had told him how much she appreciated his help and how well he was doing in many things, but Arthur just thanked her politely and in the end, he seemed like he didn't really believe Hunith. Every time and Hunith was out of ideas.

It wasn't that she couldn't see what the problem was, for most part at least, but it didn't help her much because she alone couldn't go and erase the years of strict parenting Hunith had started to call mental abuse in her head, go away. She also couldn't force her help on Arthur, but she was determined on finding someone who could help if the situation would drag. She had now talked with Arthur once seriously not accepting the 'I'm fine' as the whole truth and while Arthur had in the end given her some explanation on how he was just feeling frustrated because their coach and because he hadn't been able to help much when Merlin had gotten a bad day, Hunith had decided to let it go after she had tried her best to assure Arthur how he had done so much already and how he was doing excellent job regardless of the coach (who she had made a complaint to the principal after listening Merlin's stories of him, but the principal hadn't been too keen on doing much because of something or another in the man's CV…). However, she was also keeping a very close eye on Arthur who was strong and independent and very used to not show any weaknesses and she would talk with him again the second she found an opening. She would not leave Arthur alone in this.

* * *

Arthur had learned to be able to tell the difference between Merlin's moods. He could now tell the difference between the panic that would lessen if Arthur took him in his arms and the panic when Merlin needed to control the space around himself, between the blank calmness and the cheerful calmness, even when Merlin was feeling uneasy because Arthur was too close and when he was too far away. That brought some much needed confidence to Arthur who had doubted about everything he had done and was doing in the late.

He had seen Merlin get better, really better. It was not even just that he was being more happy or less moody, but he was more himself, more the boy Arthur had fallen in love with and that lightened Arthur's heart in a way he hadn't even known it could. There was more life in Merlin and Arthur had seen him do things he had not been able to do just months ago. He had been prepared to be there for Merlin either way, but now that Merlin was more like himself, Arthur knew he _wanted_ to be there.

Their relationship was also forming to be a closer one again. Merlin wasn't as uneasy around Arthur and he seemed much more comfortable being close to Arthur after he had confessed that he did want Merlin. Arthur wasn't sure how he had been able to convince Merlin that time how he was not in hurry for he had said that hundred times before and he seriously didn't know how it had helped that he had told how he wasn't interested in anyone else, but it didn't matter, Arthur took every opportunity to show Merlin that he wouldn't do anything Merlin didn't do first.

When Merlin had kissed him after he had shut the lights the day he had eaten the most interestingly decorated apple pie of his life, Arthur had felt something like learning to breath again. Merlin's hand had wandered hesitantly to rest flat on Arthur's bare chest and Arthur had entwined their finger on top of where his heart had beaten like it only could beat for Merlin.

There was so many things that Arthur could not wish to be more perfect, but as Merlin got better and Hunith too, he felt that he was being left behind somehow. Arthur was constantly ready to be there for either of them and he felt responsibility of not just himself but of Merlin and Hunith too. He couldn't relax, but he was feeling it more and more that he was constantly prepared to take care of someone who in fact, didn't need him that much anymore. And still he couldn't let go.

That Arthur could recognise the situations where he wasn't needed didn't help much. He still couldn't drop the level of awareness and it was gradually getting worse. At first he had found himself glancing a clock every other minutes when he had visited his friends and ended up going home early just so he could see Merlin. Then he had started to sit in their living room pretending to do homework when Merlin sat in their garden, wrapped in a blanket and sipping that horrid tasting liquid with lemon and ice they nowadays had in their fridge all the time.

Soon Arthur found himself from a state where he couldn't stay still if he couldn't see Merlin and that was when the questions started. 'Are you alright?' or 'Oi! Mate, where were you?' or 'Are you sure there is nothing going on?'. That had startled Arthur. Why wouldn't he be alright? Merlin seemed better than in moths and he was probably better than in years, so what could be wrong? The misplaced questions caused Arthur to go on defence and his replies soon turned from 'Uh, I'm fine?' to 'Never been better.' and finally to 'If you have time to ask stupid questions, run another lapse!'.

After the last one, it had been Merlin who had asked if Arthur wanted to talk about something. That had not gone well. Arthur had felt more than enough that he couldn't take care of Merlin as much as he would have liked and to him, Merlin asking if _he_ was alright was the sign of failure. He had tried to hide the depressed feeling that tried to eat a bottom out of his stomach and change the subject, but Merlin hadn't let him. In the end Arthur had told Merlin to mind his own business. He wasn't sure if he had ever regretted any words that had left his mouth as much as those.

All in all, he was on the edge of something he was not familiar with at all. He did remember how he had been overwhelmed before Merlin became an important part of his life and he remembered how he had ended up on throwing stuff or yelling at their staff, but he really, _really_ couldn't afford on doing anything like that under Hunith's roof or most important of all, to Merlin. Neither of them deserved that and besides, he had long ago passed the point where thrashing his room could reboot his system.

Apologising to Merlin and hearing him tell calmly that he was alright with it had helped some and when Arthur had been able to take Merlin to window shop some Christmas presents and then to a cafe, he had hoped he would make it to the Christmas holidays and maybe then he could just concentrate on Merlin and build some new strength for the next year. But he was on a thin ice so it was no surprise that even a small misfortune or setback could throw him completely off his game. When the said setback came, it resulted on Arthur having a very bad day.

* * *

The first snow fell on the first of december. Arthur and Merlin walked to school just so they could enjoy how everything was white and soft for a moment and in the middle of their way, Merlin took Arthur's hand and laughed while telling how Will had complained how their village was already drowning in wet slosh and how they had remembered some good old times when they had tried to push one another to the very much same slosh just to annoy the hell out of their parents. Arthur had laughed at Merlin's stories and only when they had reached the school had Merlin let go of his hand.

That day Arthur had smiled more than he usually did and when Merlin had warned him before lunch that Vivian was in a bad mood, Arthur had actually gone to eat with Elyan instead of Merlin even if he had eaten with his mates yesterday. Somewhere between morning and lunch he had been able to shed some of the tension he had carried around with him and that made him feel light headed and happy.

In the evening Arthur had been cheerful and Hunith had smiled at him in a way that made Arthur feel very much at home, like she understood him. That had given him strength to pick up his phone and call to Morgana. It wasn't the first time and Morgana had even answered him after the second try, but talking to her was much like holding breath. The first minute or so was fine, but the second minute started to feel hard and uncomfortable and the third felt like he could lose consciousness if he didn't end the call and fast. It wasn't that Morgana was really mean and she hadn't yelled at Arthur like when they had met, but they stayed on very, _very_ safe topics and Morgana never called Arthur. It was always up to him and it was very taxing to say the least. Morgana didn't pick up this time, but Arthur was glad that he had called, Morgana had never failed to answer to him more than two times a row.

That night Arthur had fallen asleep feeling cosy and comfortable Merlin leaning to his embrace, his arm around Merlin's waist, but there had been something, an uneasiness that came with being relaxed after such a long time and when he woke up in the morning, Arthur was not sure if he was feeling fine or not. Merlin left early to swim with Gwen and for the first time in weeks Arthur was actually happy to be left behind. He had quite nice breakfast with Hunith and the saturday was quiet and just generally nice, so Arthur didn't need to really address the feeling that the alertness he had lived with had not been replaced with anything, that he felt… empty and a maybe a bit defeated in a very peculiar way. But then came sunday and after that, monday.

The fourth of December and monday, the first snow had melted and over the sunday Arthur had come to a conclusion that he would need to work like a man possessed if he wanted to get grades he would be comfortable on presenting to Hunith. He had tried to catch some of the cursed chemistry the whole evening after PE plus football combination which always made him sleepy. Running around for five hours practically in a row was not a picnic. But when it had been the time to sleep, Arthur had felt a bit too awake to do just that and if he knew that he would be tired tomorrow, it certainly didn't help that he woke up in small hours when Merlin started to toss and turn in his sleep.

Normally Arthur would have stressed of what to do, but for once he just sighed and tried to take Merlin to his arms so he would wake up feeling safe. He didn't quite have the concentration he normally had and so he just shushed and tried to talk to Merlin in calming tone as Merlin started to struggle against him, still eyes closed. It was as if there was syrup inside of Arthur's head and he couldn't quite comprehend what he was seeing, but soon Merlin started to scream. That made Arthur panic.

He tried to hold Merlin stronger and he practically yelled that it was just him, but just when Hunith opened their bedroom door and Arthur was about to ask her for help, Merlin swung his arm and managed to hit Arthur in the face. It hurt, not just physically (Merlin was a lot stronger nowadays) but mentally. He had made a mistake and he could just watch Merlin stubble out of the bed and cling to his mother when he let go.

Hunith managed to calm Merlin down, but Merlin still slept on their couch that night. He also rose up to get water or whatever at least ten times during the night. Arthur knew, he hadn't been able to sleep either.

When Arthur woke up the last time at half past five, his head hurt and he wanted nothing more than to stay home and talk with Merlin to make sure they were still alright, but when Merlin rose up and just glanced at his direction before looking down and disappearing to their closet, Arthur's courage to ask Merlin about last night grumbled into nothingness.

They drove to school because, as always, the first snow had turned into a rain and today it was raining heavy, cold drops that made puddles where they found an uneven patch of asphalt. The ride to school was too short to even think of starting a conversation and the school day was filled with stress and worry of his grades alongside the stubborn headache and Merlin who seemingly tried but couldn't look him in the eye.

He didn't even manage it to the lunch before the first question of what had happened to his face came. It was Elyan who looked at him strangely as soon as he sat next to him. "Nothing…" Arthur mumbled. In the morning he had had a shadow of a forming bruise on the bridge of his nose, but it shouldn't look so bad, right? Elyan didn't ask again and so Arthur assumed that it didn't indeed look as bad as it felt, but when he was done with warm up with his team in the afternoon, he realised that it was just that Elyan knew him well enough not to pry if Arthur mood was like it was today.

"Who mate! What is that?", "You hit on a wrong girl or something?", "Maybe you should show that to the nurse…?" seemed to be the most constant type of things said to him after half an hour of trying to concentrate on giving a damn if the team learned the new strategy he had wanted to try out or not. When Oliver asked the third time if Arthur had gotten into a fight over a pretty girl, Arthur just snapped. He said some pretty unfair things while basically telling everyone to forget whatever they found so damn interested in his face.

That had stopped the questioning, but instead of horrified silence he had met the last time he had snapped to the team, this time Arthur felt like his teammates were taking a pity of him. That wouldn't do. He needed to be above them. If not really in a personal level, but here, in the practices he needed to be so he could control the team and make them better. He had to and losing that control felt horrible. It felt like a rug had been pulled under his feet and most importantly he felt like he had let the team down. He did something he never did and dismissed the team almost ten minutes early. When he was finally standing under a shower, Arthur just wished he would not have to come to school tomorrow or preferably ever.

On his way to his locker, Arthur made a mistake of looking at a mirror that was placed in between the showers and the bathroom Merlin usually changed in. His face looked hideous. His nose was swollen and the bridge was red and purple on the edges making a thin line of red under his left eye. No wonder his head hurt.

Arthur changed fast, angry how stupidly dramatic his body was to show such clear markings on his face. When he was ready, his mouth already formed an 'm' for 'Merlin, lets go!', just to realise that Merlin was nowhere to be seen. By the time Arthur was ready, Merlin was usually sitting next to Arthur's locker waiting for him, but not today and that made Arthur feel devastated, worried, sad… he feared that Merlin was truly fed up with him now that he had failed to take care of him last night, but when Pellinor was suddenly standing before him, asking if he was alright, it all turned into annoyance.

"Yes, all is splendid." He said with more sarcasm than he normally used in a week combined, took his stuff and walked past his teammate. He didn't stop before he reached his car. Merlin could walk for all he cared at the moment and he drove off.

Home felt to be too near, so Arthur drove to the cliff he had taken Merlin to drink the red wine what felt like ages ago. He looked at the same scenery feeling so many feelings. He had liked how the area he had lived looked like and in a way he still liked the scenery, but the sight of his old home just repulsed him. He could see the beautiful sunset overlapping the grey rain that covered the sky right now and he could almost hear Merlin tell how Arthur was his best friend too even if he wasn't there.

Before he even knew what he was doing, Arthur had opened the door of his car and walked just a bit closer to the cliff. He took his cell phone out and chose Merlin's number. He somehow felt that Merlin would appear if he just gave him a signal that he wanted him here right now, but Merlin didn't pick up. It hurt, so much. Was he not picking up because he was angry about last night? Maybe not, the much more plausible explanation was that Merlin was mad at him for leaving him to walk home in this awful weather that had soaked Arthur in those two minutes he had been standing outside of his car. Best friend… he had left his best friend in rain after ignoring him most of the day after scaring him at night.

He drove home then. He felt angry at himself and desperate to see Merlin again. On a moment's impulse he tried to call Morgana again even if he had no idea of what he could say to her, but she didn't pick up. When he walked in their home he found it empty. Hunith was at school and Merlin just was not there. Arthur checked everywhere from garden to their closet and even Hunith's room, but he was not there. Close to a panic Arthur tried to call Merlin again before he stormed out of the house to drive back to school and when he didn't find anything else than the already locked gym door, he drove to Gwaine's store as fast as possible.

"Well hello! I see now why Merlin was in such a hurry." Gwaine greeted Arthur when he flung the door open. Arthur could just stare for he had no idea of what Gwaine was talking about, but he felt like all of his insides had just shattered, he was just so relieved to hear Gwaine mention Merlin right away. That meant he had to be alright, didn't it?

"The painkillers, they were for you, right." Gwaine continued when Arthur didn't reply. 'Painkillers?' was the question Arthur's brain decided to focus on and it seemed that Gwaine was more than capable of reading his expressions for he circled around his counter looking serious now and placed his hand on Arthur's shoulder to guide him to his kitchen. "You seem cold, do you want anything to drink?" He asked and Arthur just let himself to be seated to a chair next to an oven. There was a carrot cake baking.

"Anything that is warm." Arthur found himself saying and Gwaine nodded. "Watch for the store, I'll be right back." He said and Arthur found his mood being lifted just a notch because Gwaine seemed to think he was reliable enough to take responsible of his livelihood. With given task Arthur started to almost feel like he could collect himself, but Gwaine came back too soon carrying two bootless and a jar. One of the bottles looked very much like a bottle of wine and Arthur eyed it very suspiciously.

"Don't worry, I'll boil it and it won't have any alcohol left." Gwaine said sounding just a bit amused when he noticed how serious Arthur looked. "You sure…?" Arthur didn't want to let Hunith down in this too after all this. Hunith who had been so nice to him even if Arthur had failed in some very basic things lately. Like the school, why had he let the school work suffer like this…?

Gwaine nodded starting to feel very weird seeing Arthur this out of shape. He wished he had tried more for the boy. "It's my mother's recipe. She makes it at wintertime." Gwaine told him while concentrating on measuring what seemed like juice and wine and spices to a kettle. "If I remember anything about Merlin's ramblings, I'm pretty sure that alcohol boils before water does." Gwaine said with a light tone while stirring whatever that was he was making. Arthur didn't seem like he would react well if he started to sound pitying.

"At 78 decrees." Arthur muttered feeling extremely cold in his soaked clothes. "Yep, something like that." Gwaine just replied and continued stirring. He poured a mug for himself at some point but Arthur only got one when the contents had boiled. The beverage was nice. Arthur liked the scent of spices and he liked the taste that was not overly sweet, but not bitter like wine was.

"Mother calls is spiced wine. She has this german friend who taught to make this when they were in uni and we have it every winter. You will have to ask her of it's origin." Gwaine told when Arthur asked what it was. It made him warm and he liked the taste so Arthur hoped he could have this again. He wondered if Hunith would make some if she had the recipe.

Soon Arthur was feeling better. He wasn't cold anymore and Gwaine's easy company and interest in him made him feel like a human being again, but when he didn't have to focus on his own discomfort anymore, Merlin came flooding in his mind. It was like his conscious thinking had been switched on forcefully. It felt like a rush of feelings and forced Arthur to the mode where he had to be strong again, even if his body felt soft and reluctant to move at the moment.

"So you have seen Merlin?" He asked interrupting Gwaine in a middle of him asking something Arthur had totally missed. "Yep, he came just before five and bought some ibuprofen and juice. I would guess that it was for you." Gwaine replied and looked pointedly at Arthur's forehead. It felt a bit embarrassing at first and then a brain cell found another in Arthur's quite dissociated mind. Merlin had gone to buy him some pain relief and that was why he hadn't been there, he had no way of knowing that Arthur had been ready early.

"I have to go." Arthur just stated and left the rest of his beverage on the counter next to him. Gwaine just nodded approvingly, but before Arthur had managed to exit the small kitchen, Gwaine was talking again. "Whatever has happened, talk with Merlin. You really don't have to take this all alone. That is the point of a relationship."

Arthur had to turn to look at Gwaine and he almost blurted out that he needed help, that he had no idea what he was doing and that he couldn't take it anymore. Gwaine looked sincere and honest, but still Arthur held his tongue. He didn't think he should get any comfort right now. He had done wrong on leaving Merlin like that.

"I have free time next sunday. Come by if you feel like it." Gwaine said before Arthur could react to anything he was feeling and he just nodded. In a way he wanted to tell that it was alright, that he wouldn't come, but there was this feeling that he liked and admired Gwaine and he wanted to spend some time with him. Maybe if he managed to make this alright, Merlin would come with him too. "Ok, see you then." Arthur said before he walked across the shop and dived to the rain once more. He felt a bit weak for accepting the offer, but what was done, was done. He would see Gwaine on sunday.

He again drove to home ready to call Gaius if Merlin wasn't home, but the first thing he saw was Merlin's wet coat hanging in their doorway. It sent waves of relief down his spine, but also a bit of fear. Which kind of Merlin he would see? Would he be angry? Or what if he was just normal, not affected at all? Or would he tell him how disappointed he was? Now that Arthur knew Merlin was home, it felt very tempting just not go up to their room and delay their meeting, but he knew he couldn't do that.

When he opened the door to their room, Merlin was sitting on the floor, leaning to their couch a pot of tea in front of him. He looked up as soon as he heard the door open. "There's a bath ready for you." Merlin said and looked him in the eye for the first time today. Or had it been Arthur who had kept his gaze in his textbooks and teachers the whole day?

Arthur had no idea of how to react so he just nodded and turned to go into their bathroom. The bath was indeed drawn and there was even a fresh pile of clothes for Arthur. It felt so detached of the rest of the day that Arthur just felt his mind go blank. He had no mental energy to try and summon any thoughts he should probably think through before he would talk with Merlin.

It was only when Arthur climbed out of the blissfully warm bath that he started to feel again. Merlin was just behind this thin door and he would have to explain his behaviour and he really didn't have anything. This was too hard for him. In this house, Arthur was always included and lately, it had started to feel suffocating. Much like now, he didn't have time, he just had to do the right thing, say the right words and be strong all the time. It wasn't enough that he showed results at the end of the day, he couldn't afford to stumble in the middle too. Not when Hunith and Merlin paid so much attention to him. That Hunith had been telling him how proud she was of him, didn't help. Arthur felt that they were empty compliments to soothe him and that made him feel like he was fishing for them. Now he would have to face Merlin and keep himself from turning to a pathetic pile of mess who pleaded that Merlin would forget this day and give him another chance.

When he finally opened the door to their room, Merlin was still sitting in the same position. He turned to look at Arthur and just smiled a bit. Arthur found himself walking in the direction of Merlin and soon he was sitting next to him a tea mug in his hand. From somewhere a blanket appeased and Arthur curled to it. How could his body feel so good while his mind was going in circles of fear and unsureness?

"Here, it should help with your headache." Merlin said quietly and Arthur took a white pill from his hand. "Thanks" he was able to mutter before he swallowed the pill with the tea that had been placed in his hand. Some childish part of him thought that it would affect immediately and when if didn't, he felt disappointed.

"I tried to call you…" He mumbled at Merlin who was sitting by him quietly, he tried to justify his actions even a little bit. "My cellphone is in your car…" Merlin answered calmly and Arthur wanted to bang his head to a wall. Of course, Merlin had a habit of leaving his cell in Arthur's car if they drove to school. Why hadn't he thought about that?! He would have noticed if he had tried to call Merlin while driving, but of course he hadn't. "I didn't think of that…" He muttered ashamed.

Merlin just smiled at him looking amused. "It's not like I can't get home myself. And besides I got a lift from Elyan even if I guess I would have deserved to walk for punching you like that…" He said quietly and touched Arthur's forehead with his fingertips making their way to Arthur's nose and side of the face. His fingertips felt warm and Arthur found himself closing his eyes. It was bliss how Merlin was sitting next to him and caressing his face, but Arthur started to feel stupid on top of feeling guilty even if it started to seem that Merlin wasn't going anywhere. He remembered Gwaine's words of how he should talk with Merlin, but he just couldn't make himself do that right now.

They heard Hunith come home after a while complaining about the weather and asking Merlin where his cellphone was. She had tried to call him to put some potatoes to boil. Merlin said he was sorry and that he would go to do it now. Hunith sounded tired and Arthur suspected that she also hadn't slept well last night. Arthur wondered if Hunith thought it was his fault. Normally things didn't escalate like they had last night. Normally Hunith wouldn't need to sit with his son on the floor for half an hour in the middle of the night for Arthur could handle Merlin himself mostly. He didn't follow Merlin downstairs and he wished Hunith wouldn't come upstairs to see him, he felt the same he had felt of facing Merlin just moments ago.

After he had been left alone to listen Merlin and Hunith starting to cook, Arthur's thoughts started to circle around his head. He felt frustrated and he was gradually becoming more angry that sorry for himself. Why did he have to do so much all the time? The school, the team, Merlin, everyone asking him to tell what he felt all the time… Why couldn't he just do everything by himself in a big enough house where he couldn't even hear if someone was home or not and then hear he had done well by for example listening Hunith comment on it to her friend over a phone when she didn't know Arthur was listening? That had worked well enough all his life. He recognised that it had not been healthy and that it shouldn't feel like a better option compared to all he had now, but it was the way he had been raised.

He suddenly felt like his age again and the feelings that had been buried under his mission to do everything right, surfaced. He wasn't adult, so why was all this mess on his shoulders? Adults hadn't noticed anything and it had been an adult who had made Merlin like this and him also. He was so angry at his father all over again and he felt shame that they were related once more. He buried his face in the blanket he now hugged close to his chest. He should be better than this. He should be the strong one and protect Merlin. He should be able to appreciate all the care and love Hunith had given to him. That much he knew, but he just couldn't do it. He was too weak after all.

It was still raining outside and the weather had turned windy, but Arthur just wanted to get out. He changed to his running clothes and just yelled from the doorway that he was going out for a jog. He heard Hunith protest, but he paid it no mind and just ran as fast as he could to the park so Hunith couldn't have time to yell him back from the doorway.

He ran and ran, but it didn't help like it usually did. The rain was cold and the wind made it hard to see where he was going. Or maybe he had tears in his eyes. It was hard to tell when there was a constant bucketful of water coming to his face combined with a wind that was stronger it had looked through window.

At some point he noted that the food had probably been ready for a while now, but he still didn't want to go back home. In the end his legs hurt in a way Arthur knew he would regret tomorrow. He wanted to stop, but he felt too cold if he as much as slowed down his pace. Finally he stopped just for a while to see where exactly he was and he noticed that he was at least half an hour run from home. Excellent. He didn't even have his cell with him (which was a relieve in a way, because otherwise it would have soaked by now) He didn't really want to face Hunith or Merlin even now, but he still took the shortest road towards home. He didn't want to freeze to death either.

It was getting dark when he saw the edge of the park again. He faltered a while and slowed his pace to a walking when he saw a red umbrella he knew very well. Merlin was standing next to the road Arthur usually took when he left and came back from his jog. He had his thickest coat and rubber boots on. He was hugging himself with his other arm and keeping the umbrella steady with the other, his fingers barely peeking from inside of his sleeve and Arthur immediately forgot his own dilemma. How long had Merlin been standing here? Wasn't he cold? He looked cold...

Arthur jogged to Merlin who looked up when he heard Arthur's footsteps. He smiled brightly at Arthur who forgot everything else and just felt guilty for making Merlin stand here for him. How many times was he going to do this today?

"Merlin! What are you doing here?" He asked even if the answer was quite obvious. Merlin looked at him with no accusation in his gaze, just a small smile. Like he was just relieved Arthur was back. "Did you know you have been gone for almost two hours?" He asked. Arthur didn't. Had it been that long? That certainly explained why his legs felt like they were made of lead.

"I-" He tried, but Merlin just placed his hand on Arthur's cheek silencing him. "Just come inside. You will catch a cold." He said and Arthur had to nod at him. Merlin's hand felt almost painfully hot against his cold skin. Merlin kept covering him with his umbrella the whole way even if Arthur felt it a bit pointless seeing how he was already wet, but he said nothing. Just concentrated to Merlin's warm fingers that had now curled around Arthur's uncommonly cold ones.

When they opened the door, Hunith came running to the entrance. Arthur was sure she would be mad at him, yell at him maybe and tell how disappointed she was, but instead Hunith embraced him tightly. "Oh, how cold you are! Go to a warm shower and put something warm on. I'll heat you something to eat… And your face… Merlin told me, but my dear it must hurt. Did the medicine help at all?"

Arthur felt like the bottom of all he had worked so hard for had been dropped. It felt strange and frustrating and unpleasant and just so incredibly good at the same time. What had he missed in his childhood when he had not had a parent like Hunith? He suddenly saw everything in his life that had gone to be better living with just Merlin and Hunith. He had more freedom. He had more choice. He had someone to be proud of him when he worked hard for the choices he had made himself and most of all, he was loved. When Hunith had kept asking how he was and when she had complimented him, she had really meant it. No-one had asked him to be anything else than himself and certainly not told him that he was responsible of everything around him. It had all been inside of his head and in a way, he had known it all along. He suddenly understood why people had been asking him if he was alright.

After the third shower of the day, Arthur's body felt warm and tired and his mood was starting to match to it. Merlin kept smiling at him and he and Hunith had sat with Arthur as he ate. They had talked about this and that with a light feeling making Arthur feel more at home than ever. It was as if somehow he had been able to get something heavy out of his heart and now he could see more clearly how his family- yes, his family- saw him and where he stood. Even when Hunith told him to never go out like that and making her worry, Arthur just felt the love behind her words. He wondered if his mother had been like this also. He made a mental note to ask Morgana next time he talked to her.

The bed felt like the softest cotton in the world and the way gravitation pulled him into the matters was definite. Arthur would not rise up before tomorrow. It was only eight o'clock, but he felt that he had no chance to make it awake till ten or even nine. Still, he couldn't really sleep. He was so sore. His muscles hurt in a way that screamed 'No warm up! No stretching!' and his head also hurt again. The second painkiller Hunith had made him take had not taken effect yet.

To his surprise, Merlin climbed to sit next to him and started to massage Arthur's thighs gently. That felt incredibly good and Arthur moaned with no control of himself. Merlin chuckled lightly and Arthur didn't really even care. What he cared was that he didn't have to move and that he felt how Merlin's weight dipped the matters next to him. He had no sense of pride to nurture at this point. The warmth and the slow movements of Merlin's hands soon made him lose his sense of time. It was almost like falling asleep, but somehow better.

"Does your head still hurt?" Merlin asked braking Arthur's trance. "A bit…" He said feeling his voice hoarse, like he hadn't used it the whole day. His face actually looked worse than it felt now, but Arthur saw no need to deny that it hurt anymore. "I didn't mean to… " Merlin said regret thick in his voice and the light tone gone. Arthur opened his eyes and looked straight at Merlin. It needed more effort than it had any right to need. "I should have let you go sooner… it was my fault." He said and turned his head to face another direction. Admitting that he had made a mistake out loud was not something he was accustomed on doing.

"And how were you supposed to know exactly what to do? I had no idea what I was doing." Merlin commented immediately. It was so very tempting to play along and deny that he had been the one at fault, but Arthur couldn't be a person who did those kind of things so he said what he felt was closer to the truth instead "I usually do! I should have watched you better. I should have..." He wasn't even sure what, but just something.

"Of course you shouldn't. To me it feels like a miracle that you know most of the time what makes me calm down. Sometimes I have even told you to do the opposite and then you still manage to show me that I was the one who was wrong. Seriously. And it wasn't even that bad a dream. I just couldn't seem to wake up." Merlin cut Arthur's speech and moved to massage the other leg. Merlin's hands were extremely distracting and his words made Arthur really think. It was very calming, that Merlin seemed to believe in him even if he himself couldn't.

"What kind of a dream it was?" He asked slowly. He wanted to hear more of what Merlin thought about this all, of him. Merlin looked a bit ashamed with himself. "It was just something stupid. Don't worry about it." He said not looking at Arthur. This of course stirred Arthur's curiosity. "What do you mean? Tell me, I want to know…" He asked forgetting for once to feel ashamed of being close to begging. Merlin looked at him with a face that told Arthur it wasn't something he wanted to share, but there was something here… like they could really get closer or move apart right now and Arthur really only had one way to go to.

Merlin sighed when Arthur didn't let him of his gaze. "Alright. I saw a dream where you were forcing yourself on me in the middle of the school while everyone was watching. It's not like I think it would really happen and it's not what happened in the dream, it's just that I panicked when I couldn't get away. I don't know… it's all blur and I remember hearing mother's voice and I only remembered where and who I am after I really woke up. Then I was already sitting on the floor and my elbow hurt. I didn't- it was stupid." Merlin sounded frustrated with himself. Arthur could kind of understand the part of Merlin really being asleep and he could see how Merlin's movements had been fueled by the feel of the dream rather than Arthur's failed attempt to calm him down, but he felt a bang in his heart. Merlin had seen this kind of dreams… no wonder he hadn't believed that Arthur wouldn't do anything.

"I wouldn't do that…" He said quietly. He felt horrible. "I know. It was just a dream." Merlin said firmly and moved to massage the first leg again. There was something in Merlin's gaze that was impossible to look away from so Arthur kept staring at his eyes. Merlin looked at him with seriousness and something that Arthur couldn't really name, but it felt that right now Merlin was the one of them that knew what he was doing, that he would take care of Arthur and explain what he needed to know. So when Merlin lowered himself to hug Arthur, something crumbled inside of Arthur and he hugged Merlin back with naked desperation. He needed Merlin and he was there. It meant so much to Arthur.

"I really don't think anything of it. I was just more asleep than awake at the time… I trust you and I know nothing like that will happen in real life." Merlin spoke gently but firmly to Arthur's hair and Arthur hugged him tighter. Something like a breath or a sob escaped his lips and Merlin rose his head just enough to see his face. He must have still looked unsure because Merlin shook him a little to make him look at his eyes again.

"Hey, Arthur, love, I love you and I trust you. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to make you think otherwise. It's not like you are the only one either… I have seen dreams of almost everyone I know to either hate me or rape me or hunt me down or any combination of those… but you have always been there for me to make me remember that there is life outside of all this. Never forget that." Merlin told him waving his hand around his head indicating that 'this' was inside of his head. Arthur felt torn in between feeling sad of what Merlin told him and feeling relieved that it was not only him. It slowly started to become clear to him that right now, Merlin was taking care of him and not the other way around. It should have felt more like a failure than anything else, but actually, it was mostly just perfect, right somehow.

"You know some days I feel afraid of mostly everything, but when I can see you or know that you are nearby, I always trust that nothing bad can happen. But sometimes it feels like I'm not really with you… that maybe I'm just a charity case or you do this all because of obligation… I- I don't want to see you so- I just want to see you feel just a little bit like I do…" Merlin continued and Arthur could hear how sad Merlin was to describe himself like this. And more so, he himself didn't want to hear it like this, but he knew that this was exactly what he had done to their relationship. He had tried to be a protector, an authority for Merlin in order to be reliable and strong in Merlin's eyes, but that wasn't how they were supposed to be. He wanted to just be in love with Merlin.

"How long did you wait in the rain?" He asked. It didn't seem enough just to tell Merlin that he wasn't a charity case. He needed to show Merlin how much him just existing meant to him. Merlin shrugged his shoulders "About an hour… We hoped you would come back before the dinner was ready, but when we had eaten some, I told mother that I would go to look for you."

An hour… that felt like a mace had hit Arthur's chest. He hadn't thought it had been that long, Merlin hadn't shown any signs he had been standing outside that long and a picture of Merlin standing under his umbrella flashed in his mind. Merlin really had been cold…

"You really shouldn't have…" Not for him and especially when he had ran out like that. "How else I would have known you were coming back?" Merlin asked and stroked Arthur's temple with his thumb just a bit hesitantly. "Besides… I know it sounds selfish, but it was nice to see that I'm not the only one who makes mistakes here…"

"To me you never make mistakes. You have been taking care of me all the time. You never let me get away with things so you made me a better person even when we were still 14 or 15…" Arthur saw an opportunity to tell what he had wanted to and even if he had never thought it like this, he knew it was the truth. He wondered if he had ever told this to Merlin before.

Merlin looked at him surprised and then he smiled at Arthur brightly. "Really?" He asked sounding happy with himself and Arthur knew that right now, they were in the same wavelength. Right now he could speak to Merlin and he would believe him. And apparently he hadn't told what had been so important to him to Merlin before.

"Yeah… At first I thought that it made you my best friend… Maybe you still are, in a way." he told Merlin a bit excited of how he had found a way to describe how he had felt for years. That made Merlin look like a sun and Arthur blushed a little. He wasn't sure if he was worth that kind of smile right now, but he believed in it. Merlin really loved him. "I love you." He said and reached for Merlin to kiss him.

It was a slow and tender kiss that didn't go any deeper than that, but it was all they needed at the moment. Kissing Merlin like this wasn't an act of want or lust, it was the most intimate way of telling him things neither of them had words for. Merlin held Arthur's gaze for a while before he pressed their foreheads together for few seconds and pulled a blanket that for once didn't feel too hot to cover Arthur.

"You should sleep now. I don't want you to get sick." He said gently and Arthur yawned. He was so tired… "Will you come to visit Gwaine with me on sunday?" he mumbled with his last coherent thought. He didn't see it, but Merlin looked at him highly amused. "Sure, I'll call him and ask if it's alright." was the last thing Arthur heard before he fell asleep.

* * *

The next day dawned slowly to Arthur. He was quite sure he had a dim memory of Merlin getting up just a minute ago, but when he opened his eyes, Merlin's side of the bed was cold and made and it was far too bright outside to be morning.

Arthur leaped up from his bed after his sleepy eyes found Merlin's alarm clock. It was past ten already. His head hurt and his nose was blocked and he felt far too cold, but he was late from school! Why hadn't Merlin woken him up? Had Hunith left early? He hoped so. Was there any way to hide that he had missed two hours of school already and was about to miss at least most of the third one?

Arthur gave up on finding himself socks and he just threw the shirt he had wore yesterday across his shoulder, hung his bag with his teeth and pulled his pants on while he made his way to downstairs. He had no time to take all the books he needed and he just hoped he had left some clothes he could use in football to his locker. To his utter surprise Hunith was downstairs and came to meet him just when he managed to get his belt on at the end of the stairs.

"Arthur… what are you doing?" She asked with honest surprise in her voise and Arthur believed that he himself looked like a madman storming around like he was. "Why didn't you wake me up? I'm late." He asked accusation in his voice even if he wasn't sure anymore for what. It wasn't like Hunith was trying to get him into trouble with herself…

"Merlin woke me up half past four to tell you have a fever and you certainly do. You are not going to school today." Hunith said slowly but surely. There was no room for argument in Hunith's tone. The first thing Arthur felt was relief, he wasn't late after all and nobody was mad at him for being a disappointment, but his conscious thinking still asked him 'Seriously? I'm not that sick…' He had always gone to school if he wasn't in danger of dying of his illness.

"Now, put your shirt on before you get any worse. Merlin will be very disappointed with the both of us if that happens." Hunith continued and made her way to the kitchen. She put a kettle on and took something from the fridge. "Merlin made you this. Come here and sit down. I'll make you some tea."

Arthur walked to the kitchen feeling very out of place and sat down not believing what he saw or heard. Hunith was still home, Merlin was at school and he had made Arthur breakfast. One look out of the window told him that the weather was the same as it had been yesterday and yet Merlin must had walked to the school. That didn't sit right with Arthur, but it was already too late for that and he could just swear that he would pick Merlin up from school.

Soon his eyes were torn off the window when Hunith first placed a plate of toast, ham and egg decorated with some lettuce and two slice of tomatoes in front of him. It was followed with a glass of orange juice and a small bowl of sliced apple. Arthur looked at Hunith questioningly and Hunith looked a bit amused. "Yes, Merlin even poured the juice ready for you. The tea he asked me to make because it would 'get cold' as he said." she said and Arthur answered the amused look. He would have made fun of Merlin a bit, but he was just so ridiculously happy that he really couldn't bother.

The toast was fridge cold, but to Arthur it all felt warm. He soon realised he was supposed to pile up the lettuce and the tomatoes under the ham and lastly the egg on the toast. They had been arranged clockwise after all. Only his Merlin would assume someone would get this kind of logic, but it made an odd sense to Arthur. Hunith placed a mug of tea in front of him and sat across the table to keep him company. Like she had nothing better to do and Arthur had to ask "How come you are still home?"

Hunith looked at him surprised "To take care of you of course. I took a day off…" Arthur looked at her equally surprised. "Why?" Uther had never stayed home to take care of him or Morgana even when they had been really sick. Like that one time Arthur had had ear infection or when Morgana had had pneumonia. He had just paid a doctor or/and a nurse to stay with them and left to work like normally.

"But your school-" He started hearing in his ears all the reasons his father had told why he never abused work for anything, but Hunith didn't want to hear any of it. "Can wait. I have to take care of you now. Even if you are acting responsible most of the time, you are still my boy and my responsibility and I want to be here to make sure that you are alright."

That was the last thing he would ever need to reassure him that Hunith was his family. His heart melt and the corners of his mouth started to rise. He was allowed to be taken care off. Hunith was here for him and he valued him over her school. It felt so good. "Thank you…." He said and Hunith smiled at him warmly and patted Arthur's arm gently. "No need to thank me. You have done more than enough for me and for my son. I'm sorry I have placed so much responsibility on your shoulders."

Arthur shook his head. Nothing he had done had been even a portion of what Hunith and Merlin had meant to him and he it hadn't been Hunith who had made him feel responsible. "I didn't want you to be disappointed in me…" He said feeling more vulnerable than he had with any adult before.

Hunith looked at his eyes looking confused for a second, but then she seemed to understand something Arthur didn't get himself yet. "Oh… Arthur, you can not disappoint me. You are very dear to me." Hunith said sounding almost sad. Arthur wasn't sure if he should place the remains of his toast to the plate for it felt a bit silly to keep talking with Hunith like this while a drop of egg yolk was slowly dripping towards his fingers, but it also felt impolite to make any kind of movement while Hunith looked so serious.

"But I'm not your son… what if I did something wrong or… what if me and Merlin didn't work out?" He needed to know, it had bothered him and it had not dared to ask, but especially the last part frightened him. It hurt to even say aloud the possibility that maybe he and Merlin would break up. And then he wouldn't even have a home.

"Your and Merlin's relationship is separate of our relationship and I know you, you wouldn't do anything 'wrong' in the sense you mean it. Everyone make mistakes, but you have to trust me that I will forgive you for them." Hunith said firmly taking a hold of Arthur's forearm.

"But I'm not that good! Like I used to be… before, I haven't done all my school work and I left Merlin in the rain yesterday and-" Arthur felt somehow tragic, maybe it was the flu that made him feel this miserable, but Hunith didn't let him finish. "Arthur, you are a very fine, I would dare to say, man and I want you to understand that to me, you do have responsibilities and one of them is to go to school and do your best, but by 'best' I don't mean that you have to sacrifice everything else in order to get the best grades. They hold very little meaning to me. What however does, is that you will have doors open and a successful life meaning that you will not have to regret what you didn't do when you had the chance."

The words seemed familiar, but to Arthur, Hunith could as well have been speaking chinese. "But I can get the best grades! You have seen that. I just have to study more and Merlin…" He tried to get Hunith to understand him even if he could almost remember that if Hunith understood from where he was coming from, she could still be disappointed in him and disappointment… he just now realised how that was the one thing he couldn't cope with.

"Love, I have seen you excel in everything you do and I have no doubt that you couldn't do that again, but you have used all of yourself to do that, you need time for yourself, for your friends, for what you like to do and now, for your relationship with Merlin too. Being the best is not everything. It's not like you are doing anything wrong if you are not the best all the time." Hunith said things Arthur had wanted to hear most of his life, but even now he had trouble believing them.

"I left Merlin to walk in the rain…" He said weakly feeling that he was running out of arguments and he wanted to run out of them so he had to say every last of them out loud. "To me, Merlin told how he got a ride with Elyan because Gwen wanted to show him something and they had ended up taking longer than he had thought and he had totally forgotten how his cell was in your car… But you must see how often you do this kind of story telling for each others. Merlin was fine, his coat is still wet and he is very much sorry that he hurt you, but apart form that, his concern of the day was if you would like a toast or pancakes better when you woke up." Hunith said still seriously, but Arthur could see she was… not making fun of him exactly, but close to it. Arthur bowed his head in attempt of hiding a snort of laughter he couldn't suppress.

"If you and Merlin had a fight, I have a feeling you already talked it through and I want you to know that I will not take sides. There are some things that are just between you two." Hunith continued and to Arthur it seemed unreal how she seemed to know everything. How was she always able to do the right thing when he himself wasn't?

"It wasn't a fight… I was irritated because my head hurt and Merlin went to get me some painkillers and I just… left. I didn't know where he was… " He tried to explain, but his reasons felt even more stupid than yesterday. Still Hunith looked at him kindly. "I see… So a misunderstanding then. I hope you will be able to ask before acting, but that is not for this minute, right now I want you to finish your breakfast and get back to bed."

Arthur looked at the remaining of his breakfast and made sure to eat every single bite of it. Merlin had done that all to him after all. When Hunith came to tuck him in, Arthur let himself feel that he hadn't done wrong after all and there was a stubborn smile in his lips even after Hunith had closed the door telling that she would be downstairs if Arthur would need anything.

Arthur woke up exactly when the school served lunch and when he asked, Hunith told him she would make something light for Arthur to eat. "Could you make chicken soup?" Arthur asked on impulse. He had heard his friends complain on how the only thing they got to eat when sick was chicken soup and he wanted to try being sick like normal kids were.

"I don't have chicken, will you be alright if I pop to a store quickly?" Hunith asked and Arthur nodded and assured that he would be alright almost a bit too quickly, but Hunith didn't comment on it. Arthur waited patiently in bed and listened Hunith come home and start to prepare the soup downstairs. When the soup was ready, Hunith suggested Arthur could take his blanket and eat in their living room couch.

Needless to say, Arthur didn't even remember he was sick while he sipped creamy chicken soup from a mug and watched some daytime tv with Hunith. At some point he must have fallen asleep because he woke up when Merlin came home. It was like Hunith and Merlin had a silent agreement and Merlin took care of Arthur from then on. He gave Arthur notes of not just schoolwork but of football practices too. He made Arthur tea and snacks whenever he wanted and he kept asking if Arthur was warm enough.

Gwaine visited them late in the evening giving Arthur some of his old magazines and telling him to get better. "I already am." Arthur said and he knew Gwaine understood that he didn't mean his cold. "That's good to hear. I would hope I won't catch anything then when you visit me on sunday." He said with a grin. Arthur rolled his eyes at him knowing that he wouldn't be taken seriously. They all talked for a while before Merlin shooed Gwaine out telling he had to wake up tomorrow even if Arthur didn't.

"Oh and one more thing…" Gwaine turned to say to Arthur before he left "It's kind of embarrassing if you lose a fight to Merlin like that… try to avoid them in the future." He grinned widely and dodged when Arthur threw his pillow at him. How could being insulted feel this good? Arthur would not put it in words in years, but he felt it deep inside of him. He had friends, true friends.

* * *

A/N I have nothing to say. I'm just tired.

... Oh yeah, Thank you for putting up with the last, somewhat boring chapter, I'm in a mood where I could just keep talking about emotions for pages and because I lack vocabularity, I have to describe some of it rather than just using a word...

Extra thank you for those who reviewed, I really found many valuable things from your comments and they made me happy :) I hope this chapter wasn't as boring as the last one!

Angel Dove1 Ah, so you are someone who is hot all the time, I'm cold all the time so I'm closer to Merlin in this one ;) Interesting interpretation, yes, Arthur didn't comment how hot he was to Merlin wanting to make things easier for him, but these kind of things really have to be said in a relationship for they can affect, but can be resolved pretty easily... So nice you liked the painting scene, I added it beacuse someone asked for it :) Your description was the best! 'I love it! what is it?' so funny! And great you like Aida too! Adoption... that would be great! :3 Yep, at this point it's much up to Merlin of how they will move forward for Arthur is too much of a gentleman and doesn't grave for sex enough to do something himself, but there was some developement in this chapter wasn't there ;) The scar... it will be mentioned later ;) I hope you liked Arthur's angst in this chapter too, it was almost deticated to it :D Also I'm so happy that you commented on the Arthur / Gwaine moment, I enjoy so much writing Gwaine. I had a bit of fun to place the scenes so that it was just mentioned forst that Merlin went to buy beer again and after that how Arthur heard a can fall... That was just a small thing, but I wanted to make a bit of a doupt if gwaine had continued on selling Merlin alcohol or not... So much more of Arthur's feelings was in this chapter and I want to hear so much what you thought of those, but hey, thank you so much for telling me you liked the last pharagraph, I enjoy it so much when you tell me details like this :) So great you liked this version too because I know it was very long and not much ahppened in it. Have a nice week and I hope to update sooner this time!

Guest Thank you for your comment, I read the chapter again and yes, it was indeed a long one and nothing really happened... I hope you continued on reading and that you found this chapter a bit more interesting at least. It was nice to see that someone could leave a critical comment without being mean, so thumbs up for you!

Skypeoplephoenix732 Yay for Merthur! I'll go psyc with you any time ;) I have to ask... 4 relationship styles? something I should know? Anyway, good luck with your gollege and congrats of moving! :)

Greedy Reader I'm so glad that you liked my slow style... I love writing about feelings in detail, but I know it gets boring if there is not much else in the chapter... and I might have arranged this and the last chapter differently had I gotten time, but I just have so much work at the moment... anyway, Hunith was convincing and scary, she is a mother after all :D Your analysis of Merlin and Arthur was very interesting to read and so very close of what I had intented it all to be, I'm so happy that I was able to write what I wanted that well and I was also very much impressed of how you described it all. I wish I could be so brief and get so much said at the same time! Thank you, for your comment and reading my story and for your encouragement. I really appreciate it all :)

mersan123 Hi mersan! So nice that you like Aida, children really add something to our lifes don't they? :) Merlin and Arthur and HUnith too still have a long way to go, but they are moving forward towards the happy ending I promised :) It sertainly helps that they have such great neighbours starting from Susan to Gwaine who really did do the right decisions with Merlin this time to Gaius. Yep, everyone needs some alone time, but I kind of understand Hunith too for Merlin is unstable and what if his depression peaked whie everyone was away... I wouldn't take that risk either even how small the risk might seem. Merlin will sertainly be there for Arthur and that wil do wonders to their relationship :) Thank you for your review (again), it was a delight :)

Kao It is so interesting to talk about these things with you :) I know what you mean... it would be highly difficult to try to keep something like that from the whole school especially if most of the school population is kind of... well connected, to be discreet, but I too the model of this highschool from my highschool and there, it was more like people tented to use information to get better contan´cts and more like 'I so understand you and I will help you and maybe in the future I'll benefit from it' -way. I hated it, but now I can see it prevented a lot of bullying... Any way, there are actually some who know what has happened (like Elyan) but they say nothing and they actually help with the facade. Like if someone is talking how Arthur is acting weirdly and Elyan hears it, he can tell them to mind their own business and tell somekind of an excuse maybe. Or something like that. I mainly skipped soat of the school interaction because if I included that, the chapters would have dragged even longer than they have... I would bore you all to death... I'm sure people would bully someone who was nice and hardworking, but tking on a school hero and football captain... not so trivial thing to do. But I totaly get your high school trauma, I wasn't that popular either to say the least... :P Even those who liked anime thought I was weird... I hope you enjoyed the hard time Arthur had in this chapter (Oh, the mean you...). He actually had a minor burn down and it will be said a bit more clearly in the begining of the next chapter :P But he is young and he will be back in the game soon enough :) Hunith, that is an interesting topic. I have kind of tried to make her very much ideal after my plot allowed it. She has been understanding, she has never snapped or shown too much weakness or blamed anyone even if she is in lot of pain and stress and she worries constantly of Merlin's health and mental health too plus Arthur... I hope that in this chapter I was able to make you like her a bit more :) Your analysis on Merlins and Arthur's relationship was very interesting to read and I have actually taken their relationship to the direction you were talking about, I think so too that a relationship is strongest when both can express their weaknesses and feel their strenghts. Thank you for your patience, I have been slow. I really enjoyed your comment, thank you!

thejammysod Ah yes, healig. They all have so much to heal from and I have wanted to describe that so much... but well, I hope we got most of that feeling covered in the last and this chapter. Also finding an alternative to alchohol, that is awesome. Getting addicted to alcohol is not a picknic... If I was a mother and I had no idea where my child was.. I would go nuts and I felt bodily relieved when I was writing the scene where she and Merlin talked. I kind of skipped that part in this chapter, but thy have found a way :) Merlin now sits in their garden and Hunith won't bther him. Arthur nows this too. It wasn't just you, I had actually intented it like that. That Merlin was getting more aware of how much Arthur was doing for him and how much it ws affecting Arthur and I'm super happy that you noticed it :) And I might have added the word 'sensual' because you reminded me that it excisted :P Gwaine and Arthur have and will heve a good relationship, they can both admire each other for the qualities they really need to be admired :) At least for me it was also important to have some older friends who I could rely on when I was at Arthur's age. It felt that they knew what they were talking about more than my mother did and well, it was easier to listen to them also because they didn't act like I was a child... Thank you for your comments, I really love to hear what you think :)


	44. Chapter 44 - How to be a boyfriend part1

On friday morning Arthur managed to wake up when Merlin did and he even dragged himself downstairs, but he wished that Hunith would tell him that he still shouldn't go to school. His fever was gone and mostly it was just his nose that was blocked, but apparently he had breathed through his mouth during the night because his throat felt sore again.

That, however wasn't much of a reason for him to stay home, but just getting up from the bed had felt like a task to be completed and he was exhausted when he sat on a chair in their kitchen. It was a weird feeling, his heart was beating way too fast and even if he hadn't even eaten breakfast, in his mind he was already trying to catch up in math and explaining why he hadn't read the last chapters of a book they had been supposed to read for yesterday and trying to make up a warm up for his team. All that simultaneously and he didn't even register that Merlin was making them all breakfast before there was a plate full of pancakes in front of him and Merlin stood next to him wearing an apron and holding a spatula.

"Do you want some tea?" He asked and Arthur nodded trying to decide if Merlin wearing apron was cute or funny or maybe just normal and if he should comment on it or not. Had Merlin wore an apron before? He did cook once a week, but right now Arthur couldn't remember if he had ever seen Merlin wearing an apron before.

"Eat and then get back to bed. Mother will be with you until I get home." Merlin said before Arthur could really decide and he felt relief wash over him. He really had no desire to go to school and when Hunith didn't react at all, like she had known Arthur wouldn't go to school all along, Arthur relaxed and started to eat. He was suddenly hungry.

He went back to sleep after Merlin had left and he woke up for lunch, it seemed his internal clock was wired to school's rhythm and was holding on it very stubbornly. Hunith had made him tomato soup and Arthur was glad of that. He had told Hunith it was easier to eat soup even if it wasn't the reason why Arthur liked the soup so much. While he ate, he wondered if Merlin would make him soup one day when he was sick…

That thought distracted Arthur for a while from the nagging thought that he should do some school work now that he had nothing to do, but he couldn't be bothered really and even thinking of opening his chemistry book made him feel sleepy again. He knew he should have felt anxious for the piling school work, but Hunith kept telling him to rest and do something he enjoyed and that helped a bit. "The school can wait for couple of days." She had said and Arthur tried to believe it really was alright.

Still, Hunith had given him a new topic to think at. What did he enjoy doing with his free time? Football yes, but he was still technically sick and he did that mostly everyday anyway, so no… running, the same thing. Spending time with Merlin and his friends, but they were all in school. Reading? No, that was Merlin… Watching a movie? yes, but he could do that only so much and even if it was nice to spend some time with Hunith, he ran out of topics to talk eventually and even if she was a lot, if not easier, then maybe a kinder opponent in scrabble than Merlin, it still wasn't Arthur's favourite game. What did he like to do on his free time?

In the end he slept some more and hoped it would be five o'clock when he woke up and Merlin would come home soon.

* * *

Merlin had been sure that as soon as Arthur had beaten his fever, he would grow restless and try to jump into action again with a stubborn claim that he was not sick anymore. Merlin had prepared himself to tell Arthur that he needed a day without fever home and that he shouldn't play football or go to run before he was really healthy again. He had made a tactic where he would gang up with his mother if he couldn't convince Arthur to rest by himself and he had prepared at least hundred comebacks to basically any protest Arthur could make up, but it had turned out none of that was needed.

Friday morning Arthur looked like he had no will to move himself anywhere else than towards their bed and he looked just relieved when Merlin told him to stay at home, so Merlin went to school, made his notes as detailed as possible of every subject including football. Like he had done yesterday and the day before that. He also encouraged Elyan who had taken the responsibility of organising the practises while Arthur was sick. He was doing good job, Merlin had no doubt about it and the team tried its best not to complain on anything even if it was apparent at times that Elyan didn't have much experience on leading. He was excellent in defence and he was one of Arthur's key players, but he had trouble noticing everything as whole and the fact that he tried to do everything the same way Arthur did… well, it was challenging.

Merlin got home over twenty minutes later than he normally would. He had stayed with Elyan for a while trying to convince him Arthur too thought he was doing good job (which wasn't actually true because Arthur had barely listened when Merlin had told him what was going on at school yesterday) and even after that he had needed to answer to half of the team if Arthur would be back by monday. Honestly, he had no idea and every disappointed face Merlin saw when he told that, made him feel like he was failing on something, so lets say he was glad to leave the school for the weekend.

On his way Merlin called his mother that she could go, that he was just a bit late and so when he got home, Hunith was just leaving. Arthur was fast asleep in their bed, his blanket covering him from waist down and wearing the same t-shirt he had wore for breakfast. Merlin sighed at the scene. It was good and all that Arthur was resting, but something in this felt wrong for Merlin. It wasn't that Arthur was sick anymore and he hadn't been that sick to begin with, so Merlin didn't think it was too farfetched to fear that this, whatever it was, could form to be a habit. Merlin hoped it wouldn't. He really didn't like to see Arthur this disinterested in everything he normally held in high priority and besides he wasn't used on seeing Arthur tired like this. It made him nervous.

He tried to concentrate on his homework for a while, but somehow Merlin found himself first turning so he was facing Arthur and then lying next to him on their bed. The position felt natural and relaxing and Arthur's steady breathing was enough to make Merlin feel that it was time to go to sleep himself, but because he was wide awake, the proximity started to make him quite distracted pretty soon.

Merlin sighed this time to himself. This was not the first time and he had known it would have been wise to stay by the desk or even downstairs, but from where could he get the willpower for that? Had this been the first time this happened, Merlin would have probably fled, as he had when few weeks ago he had been sitting next to Arthur while they read and Arthur had leaned his head to Merlin's neck and kissed it, but it was not, so Merlin just turned to lie on his stomach.

Merlin had gotten so very distracted then. He had blushed and he had felt hot, but as his pyjama pants had started to feel too tight, he had really felt a bite of fear. It had been the fact that Arthur hadn't noticed anything and had just turned a page and continued reading that had kept Merlin from making a scene. Still he had announced very stiffly that he was thirsty and exited the room as fast as possible. He had paced in their kitchen until the most shameful reaction he could think of was not evident anymore. Even after that he had poured himself a glass of tonic water and sat in their garden until he was sure his toes would fall off. He had taken a jacket, but not shoes. Normally sitting outside made him relaxed, but that time just on thought had invaded his thoughts. He had gotten hard on just being close to Arthur.

When he had seen Arthur's somewhat sad expression and heard him ask if he was cold because he had been outside such a long time, Merlin had decided that he had overreacted. But soon enough it had become clear that had not been an isolated case. Just when he had gotten more sure of himself and his mother had started to be more cheerful, why did the universe have to throw out of control bodily reactions to the mix? Why, really, why?!

Soon it had not been just Arthur. Well, most of the time it _was_ Arthur, but at times it could be just putting on pants or even shower hitting him the right way. That was extremely embarrassing. When Vivian of all people had twirled around showing off her new jeans and Merlin had had the most fleeting thought of how Arthur would look in tight jeans and that had caused a hard on in the middle of their school's cafeteria, Merlin had decided there was something wrong with him.

Calling to the therapist he had visited before had seemed like a logical thing to, but in the end he had called Freya. He had called the petite woman who had been gentle with him when it had mattered the most, about having erections at the most inconvenient times. He had no idea what he had been thinking when he left school early on his mother's permission to visit Freya's actual working place.

The small private clinic Freya worked was not far away from the police station and it was easy enough to find. The building was old and nicely decorated on front, but inside it was not so fabulous. Freya had a small room for patients and it was apparent that the space had been reserved for servants when the building had been used by rich families. She had made an effort to make it feel at least a bit welcoming and Merlin found he liked the way Freya had hung pictures of a lake and a meadow full of flowers next to her desk. They should have been the same than any decorative art, but for some reason they felt more personal than that and made Merlin think of his home village.

Freya's question of why he had wanted to see her however brought Merlin back to the present and he felt like he should struggle, but the words came out surprisingly easily. He had told Freya how bothered he was about his body acting on its own and how often he had erection and how long they lasted and all Freya needed to do was to ask. This wasn't the first time Merlin felt he had a connection to this woman and he pushed every thought that could make him anxious to the back of his mind. He tried to trust that he didn't need to be awkward with Freya.

What Freya had told him that day had been almost as liberating as the time she had told him that he didn't have any STD. Or when she had told him that there was nothing wrong with him even if he reacted to her touch. She told him how it was very normal for a teenage boy to get an erection at the slightest of stimulus. How having one didn't necessarily need any sexual context or contact, how it was normal to have multiple erections during a day for a healthy teenage boy and how it was also normal to have erection when he woke up. It was normal for men to have a cycle of erections during the night and how it had nothing to do with sexual stimulus.

That had been a huge relief for Merlin and he had told as much to Freya who had told him it was much more uncommon to not have morning erections or wet dreams or spontaneous erection compared on having them daily basis. With every mention of erection Merlin knew he should have felt more disturbed or embarrassed, but he just went with 'That too is normal? I have had that recently! Tell me more of the things that are normal, please.' It was weird how Freya could be so calm and so professional and so personal at the same time and Merlin appreciated every word he heard.

When Merlin walked out from the building Freya's working space was located, he felt like sending some flowers to her. They had come to a conclusion that actually Merlin had gotten a case of impotens during the time he had been abused and now that he was not under an enormous stress all the time, he had overcome that issue. Hearing that Merlin had started to feel that having an erection was actually a good thing for being impotent had a nasty ring to it. He hoped he could spend some more time with Freya one day and it wouldn't have to circle around his penis in any way.

Had Merlin told any of this to Arthur? No way in the universe. That he was getting more comfortable with his morning wood and that he could think it through rationally that sometimes his jeans rubbed him to erection, had nothing to do with the part of his brain that told him to hide every sign of lust from the rest of the world. Even the times he clearly felt himself getting hard of the thought of Arthur, Merlin refused to masturbate. Even when he knew he would not be disturbed. Like in shower or when he was alone (which was not very often). There was this feeling that connected that act to something bad happening and even if Merlin knew he would not be raped even if he touched himself, the fear stuck and when he had attempted on stomping the fear one evening he was having a bath, the emotional struggle had well, made the act unnecessary. He had not tried again.

Merlin glanced at the alarm clock that was on his night stand. It was over six o'clock and it was time to go and heat up the food his mother had made for them. When Merlin turned to face Arthur again, he had his eyes lazily open. Maybe turning around had woken him up?

"Hi." Merlin said and tried not to smile too much. "Hi…" Arthur replied still sounding sleepy. His voice was a bit hoarse. Like he hadn't used it for the whole day. Maybe he hadn't. "How are you feeling?" Merlin asked hoping to hear that Arthur was better. "Tired." Arthur just said and reached for Merlin who blushed when Arthur wrapped his arm lazily around his waist. Merlin fought the urge to press himself further against the mattress, Arthur's arm wasn't exactly helping his 'condition'.

"Um, do you want to know how the practices went?" He asked when Arthur closed his eyes again. "Later." Arthur said, but his face and his tone didn't sound like he had any desire to hear it later either. The feeling that there really was something wrong here was back and it was even stronger than before.

It wasn't that Arthur wasn't allowed to have a break or rest, it was a good thing that he was resting, Merlin tried to tell himself while he watched Arthur fall asleep again, but it didn't ease the feeling. It just felt too much that Arthur would regret this later. Not just because of the piling schoolwork or something like that, but because he had missed a week. Because he hadn't been involved with the team and he had no idea what was going on. Merlin knew he forgot nuances even if he had detailed notes and besides, to Arthur hearing wouldn't be the same. But was this enough reason to get this worried? Was he just overreacting and trying to justify that by telling himself that Arthur would feel the same after he would return to school?

Merlin wanted to talk about this to someone who knew Arthur or at least him well, but Gwaine would only be free on sunday and then Arthur would be there. Gwen was kind of an option so maybe he could talk with her when they went to swim tomorrow?

Funnily enough, just half an hour after this thought, Gwen called and asked if Lance could come to swim with them.

* * *

A/N Hello! I am back! I had a noro-virus and I got home from hospital bit over a week ago. I'm very much screwed with my university. I lost about six kilos of my weight and I am tired and feel nauseous half of the time.

But this cap in my updates was getting ridiculous, so I decided to publish what I have right now. This is not even half of the planned chapter, which is almost ready, but in need of proof reading. I will puplist at least a part of the rest during saturday and I hope that I manage to write it all down, but in the worst case scenario this chapter will com in three parts.

Your wait has been long and I am very sorro about that. I would promise to again update every three days, but I have exams coming in two weeks and I have to get a lot of work done before that for my university. I'm sorry.

Thank you for your reviews, I read them all again when I was able to look at a screen long enough without getting a head ache and I really felt happy. That was very nice moment for me because I have quite stressful situation at my hands in almost everything at the moment. So again, thank you. I can only wish yo awesome people have been patient with me :)

thejammysod 'Classc Gwaine' I'm so going to use that term! :D It's so nice to hear you laughed at my joke, it makes me feel like I have a sense of humour :P Yep, this and the last chapters are kind of dedicated to healing and their communication should get better even if they stil have a long way to go. I'm being vague, but we all know I have an obsession about happy ending so... ;) I promise mentions of footballers in this chapter (part 2 or 3, depens if I get it all ready so there would be only 2 parts...) And i have made a scetch for a chapter with a lot of footballers in it just for you ;) I'm so thrilled you like my little side characters, I kind of like that bunch and they are fun to write :) Thanks for pointing out the typo, I corrected it when I saw your comment. I again have no beta and those kind of mistakes are hard for me to spot... especially with that long chapters. I can tell you I proof read these at least three times for a reason... Anyway, hope you will like this chapter too :) See you again!

Angel Dove1 Oh! So much love! Wow! And your favourite, wow x2! Well, you are not objective because it had so much Arthur in it but still :P You have a great advise, I'll try to take it as soon as I get my school together and work a bit more to get what I lost while I was sick and write this story and... Alright, I'm hopeless... I really enjoyed writing that oart with Hunith and Arthur, so great you liked it :) Also that Merlin is able to help Arthur too, that makes their relationship more balanced, I think. And Gwaine, my favourite, I just love writing him in any situation :D I left it out, but Merlin told his mother in the morning when Hunith had confirmed that Arthur was sick, that he wanted to take care of Arthur and his mother thought it would do them good if Merlin would take charge. She would be there of course while Merlin was at school and make the food and you know, be there, but she let Merlin play the nurse ;) And then to one of my favourite topics. What Uther has done to Merlin... well we all know that is horrible and yes it is, but the mental abuse Arthur has gone through is showing and will leave similar marks that Merlin has in his soul. Missing out on parental love and acceptance is not trivial thing and we have to thank Morgana and Melin for Arthur is not a lot worse than he is. With that scene, I wanted to convey how what we see is the chicken soup, but what it means... That really is a sad story and Uther should be in prison for that too. Your last paragraph was trully awesome too! Such kind words and have I mentioned I love when you list your favourite parts or lines? I have, I know :P From existing to living... well said. That is what this chapter (in it's whole) is about too, so I hope you enjoy the rest also :)

Kao I love boring things, so if you like boring things, then there is two of us ;) The part you mentioned, where Arthur suddenly saw what was better in his life, I tried to write that thought many times, but it seems this is where the language is too much for me. It was kind of meant that Arthur had known all along that he could now do things he had been graving for when he had been younger, he has heard Hunith and he doesn't think she is lying to him when she sais he can go to have fun with friends or that it's alright if his report card is not perfect, but the way he has been raised and all this stuff going on, he hasn't really been able to trust those things complitely. He has not dared to really try living differently and when Hunith was not angry like he was sure she would be (like his father would have bee no doupt) Arthur realised that Hunith had actually given him premission, that she really care for him and she really thought him important so even if he had denied it in a subconscious level, Arthur had already been living a very different life. I'm not sure if this explains it at all, but anyway, I think that the most important thing for me is that you pointed me a part that was clumsy, now I can try to better myself :) At the same time you took the effort of telling me all the things you liked, so I was feeling a bit happy with myself in the end :P As you surely noticed, this chapter is basically a transision from the previous situation where merthus was dissapointingly scare, to the more merthur filled stage of life ;) I hope you will enjoy this and the rest of (thecnically) this chapter when I get it ready!

Skypeoplephoenix732 Your comment was so much fun to read... Yep, breakfast is a serious business and sandwiches are a form of art so no messing with sandwiches! And they have to be clockwise, other way around it would be stupid. Great you liked the Arthur / Hunith moment, I really enjoyed writing that one :) Also thank you for your explanation, it was very informative, we so are not learning that in school here...

mersan123 Hi! You can say that again, Arthur was really doing too much and well, he is still mentaly living what he has been raised to be. We saw it very well when Arthur didn't understand why Huniths would stay for him. As you said, it is truly sad. Awesome you liked the way Hunith handled Arthur, I have been waiting to write a scene of their relationship :) And Gwaine, he is one of my favourites too and he really cares for the boys! Merlin is really getting better and in this chapter we see him get support from a wider circle of friends and that is also very telling, he's not so afraid of opening up to the world anymore. I hope to get the rest of the chapter ready soon, I hope you will enjoy it too :)

Greedy Reader It's also nice to write replies to you all, I really like these small 'conversations' :) Yep, Arthur was bound to lose control at some point and I really wanted to write how new this kind of life is for Arthur and how hard it is to find a role in this new life. And you are right, Arthur's only childhood relative that was present was Morgana and they did take care of each others and so there will always be a place in his heart that yearns to be filled with Morgana's present again. At least they are in speaking terms again and we will hear at least a bit more about that in the future ;) I like your analycis, it's so nice to see how I have been able to write this story so you can get so much out of it and I'm so very happy that you think of the same things I do. That means that I have been able to convey what I think even in english :) Please continue telling me about your thoughts! You spoke so nicely about Hunith, it was lovely to read. Yes, she is not as adaptive as Merlin and Arthur, she is older and she has lived through a lot in her life so it's very understantable. Also she makes very dificult decisions all the time, what we don't really see that well, but if she decides to call Merlin on his lying at a wrong time, it could do more harm than good just to name one. Every time she talks with either of them, it would be so very easy to say something that made one of them feel bad and that would damage their relationship or worse (as we remembered what her decisions helped to maintain in the past...). That she has said and done so many right things during these last months, is realy an awesome thing. I take the luck you wished for me and use it all so I can get the rest of this chapter out during the next weekend, thank you for your awesome comment :)

bubzchoc Thank you :)

Guest Now I'm here again! Thank you so much for your kind words, you made my day :)


	45. Chapter 45 - How to be a boyfriend part2

Swimming with one of his best friend and her boyfriend could have been awkward and Merlin did prepare himself to feel like the third wheel, but even if Lance looked like Gwen was the most amazing creature in the whole world every time they talked, Gwen was purely on mission to swim her two kilometres she swam every week and so there was not a lot of time for couple stuff.

Of course Merlin felt that it was his responsibility to leave for showers a bit early so the two of them got to have some alone time in one of the warmer pools with small waterfalls in them or whatever. It was an easy decision also because he wasn't too keen on Lance seeing how he showered his swimming trunks on and changed in a bathroom. He could already picture the understanding and annoyingly kind look Lance would no doubt give him.

Just when Merlin exited the bathroom, someone opened the door connecting the showers to the locker room and Merlin saw a glimpse of Lance walking towards the showers. He suppressed his need to walk out and wait for Lance outside, but it felt equally awkward to ask if Lance had time to spare for him in front of Gwen, so he sat down to wait. Originally he had planned to ask as soon as they had been alone in the changing room, but it turned out Merlin had been too busy to get the hell out of the way before Lance could as much as take his shirt off. (He always wore his trunks under his jeans when they went to swim so he didn't need to change twice in the bathroom).

He knew there shouldn't be anything that should prevent him from seeing Lance shange if Lance was ok with it, but a storm of emotion and thoughts that came with these kind of situations made him anxious very fast. Even now that Merlin had positioned himself so he couldn't see anything, his first instinct was to flee when Lance came in towel on his waist and his swimming trunks in his hand.

Merlin closed his eyes. He felt very much nerdy, lanky, gay boy about to ask if his hot gym teacher would like to have a coffee with him. Great, just great. Maybe he should leave after all and forget the whole idea? But Lance had already seen him waiting so wouldn't it also seem weird if he just walked out now?

"Sorry you had to wait, I hope you are not in a hurry…" Lance said, polite as always and Merlin almost laughed. He felt ridiculous. "Actually, I was thinking if you have some time to spare… we could go to shop a Christmas present for Gwen." Merlin said keeping his eyes closed. When he had planned this yesterday evening, he had remembered how Lance had asked him to help with jewellery and even if that had been a joke, Merlin had hoped he could at least not sound too embarrassing. Well, so much for that.

"Sure. You have anything in mind?" Lance asked after a short pause and Merlin was forced to continue. The pause had made him nervous and he couldn't tell very well what Lance was thinking when he couldn't see his face. "Not so much. I remembered you asked for help with jewellery and well, I thought maybe I could find something at the same time."

"Oh, I actually already have a present for Gwen…" Lance sounded a bit regretful, like he didn't want to admit that to Merlin and Merlin just felt even more ridiculous. He had no idea of what to say. "…but if you don't mind, I could use your help to find something for my mother." Lance continued.

Merlin dared to open his eyes then and look at Lance's face. He seemed a bit hopeful and maybe like he wanted to save the situation. 'Kind, he is just so very kind' Merlin thought. Maybe Lance just didn't want to embarrass the lanky gay-kid? But that was anough, Merlin could appreciate that.

"Of course. Maybe we could go to downtown and find some stores?" He tried to sound like he had at least some kind of knowledge where to go, but the truth was that he had only visited the centre area with Arthur and he had not paid any attention to jewellery stores.

"Sounds great. Do you mind if we went to eat first? I'm ravenous." Lance said now smiling like Merlin had said something intelligent. "I could eat too…" he answered and wondered if he could get more lucky. It would be so much easier to speak in a restaurant or cafe and Merlin would never have the guts to actually suggest something like that. Lance really was kind.

Gwen seemed overly happy when Lance told her he would give Gwen a lift home and then he and Merlin would go to have a lunch. Merlin feared for a second there that Lance would ask Gwen to come along now that they weren't going to buy present for Gwen, but it seemed Lance had known Gwen was going to visit Vivian after she was done with feeding the men of her household.

After Merlin had wished Gwen the best of luck and the all the patience she would need with The Potato, Lance gave Gwen a small kiss and told he would call Gwen tomorrow after he knew the time of whatever was happening whenever. Merlin didn't listen, he had to concentrate on not letting the small bitter feeling that was blooming inside of his gut show on his face. He and Arthur would probably never be able to do those kind of things in a middle of a street at daytime. Not to mention how he and Arthur had not done that much lately anyway.

When Lance sat back to the driver's seat, Merlin pushed those thoughts out of his head. Arthur had told him that he didn't see Merlin as just someone he felt responsibility of and it was just that he had been sick after that Merlin decided firmly.

"Any ideas what you would like to eat?" Lance asked and glanced at Merlin through mirror for Merlin had remained seated in the back behind the passenger seat Gwen had occupied previously, as far away from Lance as possible. "Anything's fine, you can decide." He replied, he really didn't care. "I know a nice burger place and I have been craving for fries at least a week now… They sell some pizza and salads and pastas too." Lance said immediately and Merlin wondered why he even bothered to tell him what there was, it wasn't like Merlin would have any better ideas, but he didn't comment, just said it sounded great.

It was nice to get out like this, Merlin realised as soon as Lance had found them a parking spot and they stepped out to an area Merlin didn't recognise. Walking in saturday crowd and seeing new streets and stores made him remember how much he enjoyed the city life. The restaurant was also nice, it was clearly meant for younger people with not so much money and a huge appetite, but it was stylish and clean and the food smelled delicious.

They managed to get an open booth when a group of about twenty-five years old women left chatting happily and Merlin was very happy to feel the solid, high couch behind his back. Crowds didn't make him nervous, but the feeling of people walking behind his back did. Not that much anymore, but he still found it more comfortable if he positioned himself so he had a wall behind him.

It was also great that a waitress bought them menus quite quickly. This was the first time he and Lance had really spend time alone like this. Every time either Gwen or Arthur or both had been present and even when Lance had still been his teacher, every time they had been alone Merlin had either been very unfair towards Lance or feeling so out of it that he couldn't even understand the person he had been at those times anymore.

In so many ways sitting in a busy restaurant with his former gym teacher should have been more relaxed and comfortable, but now there was no fear of blowing his cover or need to protect Gwen to guide his actions and Merlin wasn't sure what to say. Lance was patient and after he had closed his menu he started to ask Merlin about things like how was the school or how the team was doing and if Arthur was feeling better, but how long would he be able to stay even remotely interested in Merlin's vague explanations and awkward replies? To Merlin Lance seemed confident, handsome and relaxed while Merlin couldn't shake the image of himself as a nerdy gay-kid. How he would start a conversation himself, Merlin had no idea.

But it turned out he didn't have to for Lance offered the topic he wanted to talk about on a silver platter. He commented on how it was good that Arthur had stayed home for he remembered how he had just brushed off every suggestion to take it easy when he had not been in the top shape when Lance had still been coaching. "Even if his voice was hoarse, he would still run to school and he didn't even listen when I asked if he had checked if he had fever!" Lance shook his head, but seemed a bit amused underneath it all.

Merlin managed to smile at that. It was exactly how Arthur was, or had been at least. "I know… but actually… he's not that sick anymore and I expected him to at least complain a bit how bored he is, but he just… sleeps. A lot. And it's- I'm not sure if he is really fine." He wasn't smiling anymore and Lance leaned a bit forward looking serious now himself.

"I- I hoped you could give me some advice?" Merlin continued when Lance didn't say anything. "Has this been going on for a long time now?" Lance asked and Merlin instantly felt stupid again. No, it hadn't. Four days wasn't a lot and when he reluctantly said that out loud, he felt very much like he had overreacted and badly. He had gotten himself worried and made Lance to take him out for lunch because of four days of sleeping and Arthur was sick. He even had fever for the first two days for crying out loud…

"Still, that doesn't sound like the Arthur I know…" Lance however still looked serious and Merlin felt a wave of gratefulness. Lance understood him and he thought the same! "Yes! He hasn't complained once how he can't even go outside and he barely listens when I tell him how the team is doing. He acts more like… me." Merlin started as excited to get this all out, but when he got to the last part and he heard his own words, he realised why he had gotten so worried so fast.

Lance looked at Merlin and a real worry strangled his mind. It was sad and tragic how Merlin described not just Arthur but himself in such a short sentence. He blamed himself, not the first nor the last time for his inability to find out what had been happening right under his nose. Merlin was incredibly brave and so was Arthur in Lance's opinion and he thought very highly of both of them. He wished to be able to help now and unlike when he was their teacher, now Lance knew what was happening and more than that, Merlin was now talking to him. He couldn't let him down in this.

But even if he heard it like this, what could Lance do? He had no connection to the school and all the support systems anymore, he had no education or enough knowledge to give reliable advices and even if he acted like he could, he might do more harm than good. The fact was that he couldn't be a reliable authority for Merlin in this situation or any other situation, but as Merlin's eyes became a bit glassy and they were interrupted when their waitress brought their food, Lance knew that he didn't want to be Merlin's teacher or Arthur's football couch anyway. It was hard to change their form of relationship even if it had been almost half a year since Lance had been either of those things, but today was a great opportunity to try. From now on, Lance hoped he and Merlin could become friends.

"I don't really know what you should do. I could recommend you to talk with someone in school, maybe your nurse, but for now… I think you should talk to Arthur." Lance got Merlin's attention immediately and he saw how he took in every word even if he looked sceptical. Braking the roles they already had would be difficult and it will take time, it seemed.

"I know Arthur quite well, but I know that you know him better than anyone and I'm sure if someone, you are able to tell him what he needs to hear." He continued and Merlin's expression changed from surprised to doubtful and then a mixture of bitter and sad.

"I used to be able to just open my mouth and tell him how I felt of how he acted or how he sounded and even if he asked me something, but now… I'm not sure anymore." Merlin said to his plate full of shrimp pasta. The snake of fear that had a tendency of growing it's heads back even after Merlin had thought he had cut them off, wrapped its slimy body around his heart and squeezed slowly. He knew why he wasn't sure anymore. Back then Merlin had been trapped into that house, but so had Arthur and so there was no way for Arthur to get rid of him, but now… it would only take few words to tell 'I want to break up with you' and the knowledge of that made Merlin hesitate and doubt what he could and couldn't do or say to the point where he had no idea what he had been about to do or say in the beginning with.

"You are not sure if you should tell him what you think or you feel you don't know him that well anymore?" Lance tried to get a clearer picture and kicked himself mentally for he had again slipped to his teacher tone. "The former… I actually feel that I know him better now, but I don't want to say anything wrong." Merlin mumbled seemingly to one of the shrimps on his plate and Lance felt a bit amused. Even if Merlin had certainly held a lot in his heart, he had never backed out from speaking his mind especially to Arthur and if something, Lance could remind him of that right now.

"You know I could always tell when Arthur had talked with you about something important to him, he always seemed sure and confident after that." Lance told Merlin risking of sounding very much sappy, but when Merlin finally rose his gaze and looked at him in the eye, it didn't matter. And besides if they were to be friends, Merlin would just have to get used to this side of him too.

"Even when the team kept calling him 'clot-pole' for weeks because of you, he laughed at it every time and I could see it never bothered him. I also remember asking him once if something good had happened and he answered to me that definitely not, that 'Merlin told me that I'm mad because I considered on going to a date with a pretty girl' if I remember correctly and he said this all smiling." Lance tried to explain what he had seen and he could tell this interested Merlin greatly, but then his gaze fell again.

"Yes… but that was before." Merlin said quietly. "This is of course just me, but I don't think that much has changed." Lance said surprising himself how sure he felt. "You know when I met Gwen's father the first few times, I was sure that any word could have made him hate me and I felt like anything I was, would never be enough. With Gwen I could just relax and be whatever I felt like, but with Tom I felt like my best wasn't enough. Then one day he told me that he really liked me and my first thought was 'How is that possible?'. I think we tend to worry the more we care, but sometimes it's possible to find a balance where we are in tune with the people close to us. I'm sure I have seen that balance with you and Arthur every time I have seen you together." Yes, this was definitely becoming sappy, Lance could almost hear Gwen teasing him for being such a 'hopeless romantic' like it was a good thing.

Merlin listened very carefully and inspected Lance's face with care. That… did sound somehow right and it didn't go unnoticed that Lance had said 'every time I have seen you together'. They had seen Lance few times when they had visited Gwen's house and Merlin had to admit, he had been teasing and laughing with Arthur then. Much like when he was at school or when Aida was present. When there were other people he could act naturally with Arthur. It was when they were alone that Merlin grew uneasy. It wasn't because of Arthur or that he was afraid or anything like that, Merlin knew all the reasons why he _wasn't_ uneasy around Arthur at times, but just now he found the reason why he was. He knew how to be Arthur's friend, but he had no idea of how to be his boyfriend. How much he wanted to be more than a friend, with it always came the fear of falling down while reaching for too much.

"How are you and Tom now?" Merlin asked. He could have asked how Lance and Gwen had found their balance, but it was too different, their parents hadn't married first and they hadn't been friends after that and besides, for some reason Lance had never made it known that he knew that Merlin and Arthur were dating even if Merlin was sure he must know. If not from Gwen, Merlin had at least assumed that from the start and he hadn't been actually subtle even if he too never said it out loud.

"I want to say great, there have been some awkward moments for Tom is quite protective over his daughter, but to be fair, I'm quite sure I'll be the same if I'll ever have a daughter." Lance answered grinning and looking somehow younger that Merlin had built him up to be in his head and he again remembered that Lance was actually just six years older than them. Six years that had felt like a brick wall in between them and especially between him and Gwen just two years ago. Merlin again remembered how angry he had been at Lance.

"I can tell you that I will never make the mistake of leaving my phone on silent mode while Gwen is spending a night at my place." Lance continued and Merlin had to chuckle at the mental image. He was suddenly very happy that Elyan had vouched for him before he had slept in Gwen's room the first time. Tom was very nice and calm person, but he was also very big and strong and Merlin never wanted to be on the wrong side of his worry over his daughter.

"But we were speaking about Arthur, do you think he could have a burn out?" Lance asked and Merlin got serious very fast. That sounded very much possible. Arthur had been working like crazy and he had taken care of him and his mother and even if Arthur never said it, he really didn't have anyone. He had talked with Morgana now and then yes and that was improvement compared to last five years, but in Merlin's opinion Morgana didn't sound too nice and definitely not supportive or someone who could help Arthur. She was more stress than anything else in Merlin's opinion.

"That could be." He said sadly. He really didn't want that to be the case. He just wanted to see Arthur to be himself and not worry about everything so much all the time. Lance nodded his eyes a bit dark like he was remembering something. "He has so much to do all the time…" Merlin started. He had been about to start to list everything that Arthur had done this year and had still to do, but the list felt so long that thinking about it made even Merlin tired.

"Is there something that makes him stressed?" Lance asked and Merlin knew that this was why he had wanted to talk with Lance. He knew more than well how much Arthur had always done and how well he had coped with that, so Merlin didn't need to explain to him how it was weird that he was stressing about planning and coaching five football practices per week on top of school.

"I think I know few things, but I don't know how to help him with any of those and some of it is… me." He said feeling ashamed of himself, but Lance just nodded "Can you tell me some of it? Or if you think Arthur wouldn't want you to tell me that is alright."

Merlin shook his head, he didn't think Arthur would mind if he told Lance. Or would he? What if he would get angry at Merlin for telling something personal, something even Merlin hadn't told him he thought? Or- No. Merlin would trust on Lance and listen the feeling he had had first. He knew Arthur and he knew where the line was with him of the things he wouldn't want to share.

"I don't think he minds. I think he has hard time adjusting on living in a smaller house and I think he doesn't really know how to act around my mother. He might say that it's great how my mom says he can go to visit his friends anytime, but at the same time he never goes if I don't force him to go and he can't see my mother approving. It's like he doesn't really trust that the life is now different even if he knows it is." Alright, he ended up saying a lot more than he had planned to, but some of that had formed to words just now when Lance was looking at him with interest to his every word. At some point Merlin had stopped on feeling stupid and it was now surprisingly easy to talk to Lance.

"Our new coach is also as lazy as they get and all the work is now on Arthur's shoulders. If I didn't take attendance and reserved the field, Arthur would have to do that too." Merlin continued with the second topic and it felt just so good to complain about the person who was supposed to be so much better than Lance.

Lance had looked very serious when Merlin had described their home life, but now he looked taken aback "He makes you do the field reservations? He doesn't take attendance? And Arthur is the one leading all the practices?!" he sounded scandalised and Merlin could just look at him confused. He knew Arthur called to Lance now and then to ask for advice… Had he really never complained to Lance how their new coach was?

"You didn't know? He mostly reads newspapers and drinks coffee while Arthur does all the work. I haven't seen him play himself over ten minutes in weeks and I took the paperwork when Arthur noticed all the statics you had collected had been neglected and when we had to move inside in the middle of september because the coach hadn't reserved the field and when we got outside, there were bunch of cheerleaders stating that they had the field for every other day that week…" Merlin could have ranted on of this topic forever, but he made himself stop before he bore Lance out of his skull.

"Have you informed the principal?" Lance asked horrified and Merlin shook his head. "My mother called him and Arthur complained to him, but it seems he is qualified and can't be just kicked out so the principal came to tell him 'that this can't go on like this', but that was it. And besides now all the paperwork is in order and the team is doing well so…"

"Because you and Arthur do his job for him?" Lance looked at him and Merlin knew what he meant, he was part of the reason they still had a lousy coach, because he was covering for him and that wasn't right, but he also knew why he was doing it so he had no trouble answering "I have a system and I will not have him ruin it and even if I did, there is no way in million years that Arthur will let the team suffer so he can blame the coach." Saying it out loud like this felt bad. This was how those who didn't care or were lazy or just plain selfish got to leach and get credit while those who worked hard suffered and worked twice as hard to do their job too. Not just in school, but in real life too.

Lance sighed and Merlin knew he wouldn't protest. He understood even if he too thought it wasn't right. "I see… well, I can tell you that I would have gotten a serious burn out with all that. Just having that kind of responsibility is too much and we both know how seriously Arthur takes responsibilities…" Lance said clearly feeling for Arthur. Merlin felt a light bulb lit inside of his head, those were the words he had tried to find! Responsibility, that was the heart of this all. Merlin had known it, but now there was this word that tied everything together. Responsibility, Arthur had made everything to be his responsibility and he couldn't let go of them and that was why he was so tired.

"…and then all that stress at home on top of it, maybe he really should take some time off from school and all of it." Merlin had missed a part of what Lance had said, but the last part made an instant reaction in him "No! I mean… no, it has been good that he has rested I guess, but to me it seems that he needs to do… just something all the time. Not like this and I wish he didn't have to worry about me all the time, but I don't know, it feels like he's not himself like this… He needs something-" 'where someone tells him what to do and not the other way around' Merlin's head provided him with an answer and he stopped talking just to keep that thought from disappearing.

"I'm sure you know what is best for Arthur." Lance just said and when Merlin looked at him, he was smiling. It was reassuring and Merlin found himself smiling back. "Just remember that you don't have to save him alone, ask help as soon as you feel that it is needed." Lance added sounding a lot like the teacher Merlin had learned to admire, but it didn't matter that much anymore. Merlin didn't feel that pitiable anymore.

"You sound like a teacher…" he teased, but he knew Lance knew the message had been heard so he just smiled back. "I would hope so after all that time." He said and finally picked up a fork and started to eat his now cold fries. Merlin also picked up his fork and spoon and tried to eat his pasta like Arthur had taught him to once when they had visited that very nice pizzeria and told him he would not be seen with someone who had no basic knowledge of how to eat pasta. Back then Merlin had tried not to blush because Arthur had touched his hand when he had taken his cutleries to demonstrate. At least Merlin wasn't that awkward anymore…

After that it was easy to find topics to talk with Lance and when Lance laughed at his tales of coach the lazy and of some little things that had happened in the practices, Merlin felt very much happy that Lance was dating Gwen. Now he got to keep him in his life too.

He was about to tell one more joke he had heard while checking some footballs, if they had enough air or not, when Lance asked "Do you ever spend time with any of them?"

Merlin was confused for a second, but he had to admit that he had started most of his stories with 'I heard them talking' or 'when I was doing something completely unrelated' or 'I saw from other side of the field'. He mostly minded his own business during the practices. "Umm, not really. I barely speak to any of them because most of the time I have no idea what to say to them." He confessed and Lance looked like he had guessed as much.

"Maybe you could try? I happen to know they all like you." Lance said kindly, but this was the kind of a teacher voice Merlin didn't like too much. "They don't know me." He just said shortly and if he had felt a bit sad to confess that he didn't have friends where he spent a lot of his free time (technically he didn't have to be there) then now he just felt a bit bitter and a bit annoyed.

"Maybe not in that sense, but you do spend a lot of time together and I would like to think I know that bunch. I don't think they would think that differently of you even if they knew you." It was obvious Lance knew exactly what he had meant even if he still didn't say it out loud. It was actually nice this way, Merlin didn't feel as uneasy even in this very public setting and it felt that they understood each others anyway.

"All of them? That doesn't sound possible." Merlin didn't feel annoyed anymore, but bitter still. It was a bit weird how he had gotten more comfortable with his sexual identity, but at the same time he had started to feel how unfair it was that this one thing could make at any given time anyone turn against him. It had been the one thing Uther had used against him, made that one thing be everything he was and even if he had seen with his own eyes how what Uther had done was again the law, it hadn't erased the fear that all around him were people who could hurt him if they knew. And in school, it would only take one wrong ear to hear his secret and everyone would know. In his head it was still a majority of people who would turn against him for being homosexual.

"I can't say I expect none of them even bat an eyelash, but they are a very tight group and I'm sure they would first think very carefully if any of that mattered and I'm quite sure they would all come to a conclusion that it didn't. Especially… and when I say this I don't want to doubt anyone's ability to think for themselves or act on their own, but especially since Arthur thinks it's alright." Lance said almost lightly which confused Merlin a bit.

"But that could also change! They don't know that Arthur is-" Merlin grew desperate, but he couldn't say it out loud. Lance looked at Merlin's eyes with serious confidence and said it for him "involved with you."

Merlin flinched and he fought the urge to look around if someone had heard for he needed to see Lance's eyes. "Yes…" He finally admitted and Lance smiled at him. It was like every bone had started to melt in Merlin's limbs, he relaxed so much that a pair of tears dropped from his eyes simultaneously. He shook his head slightly and wiped his eyes. It was a weird feeling, he wasn't really crying or feeling like crying, some water had just escaped his eyes and he laughed shortly. Lance just looked at him a bit fondly and didn't mention his weird reactions.

It made sense now, how Lance never said out loud what they both knew was there between Arthur and Merlin. Actually Merlin wasn't sure if he had ever heard him refer Gwen as his girlfriend either or if he said it out loud they were dating, at least not to Merlin, because he knew Merlin knew, but like he would never deny that he was in love with Gwen (not even when a fifteen years old student had accused him being a pedophile) he wouldn't let Merlin deny what he felt for Arthur either. It was… nice. Lance _was_ nice.

"I can't promise you anything of course, but as I said, I want to think I know my team." Lance continued after he had given Merlin time to collect himself. He said this calmly while eating his burger, but there was something sure in his voice and Merlin finally saw why. Lance had also been accepted even after the team had found out that he was dating one of their mate's little sister. Merlin remembered that evening all too well and the memory made him smile. Was there a possibility that he too could be accepted like that someday?

While they continued eating in a comfortable silence, Merlin started to feel that maybe he hadn't been just extremely lucky by having found all these incredible people who didn't judge him for what he was. Maybe, just maybe it wasn't actually most of the people who would want to hurt him if they knew. Just maybe there were more accepting people around him than he had expected. That would explain how come he had only come across friends, nurses, police officers, and even a lawyer and a judge who hadn't hold it against him that he liked men.

The snake of fear hadn't been formed by the realistic world, but made by Uther. It had been cleverly calculated and shaped for just one purpose: to control Merlin and it had worked. That shame Merlin would carry for the rest of his life, he had let that man place a soul eating creature next to his very soul. When time would pass, everything on the outside would fade, but the way his mind had been invaded, would never go away, not completely.

The sharpest edge of Merlin's hunger, which was insatiable nowadays, had just been defeated when his phone rang. It was Arthur and Merlin made an apologising gesture towards Lance before answering. "Where are you?" that was his greeting left Merlin silent for a moment. Arthur should know where he was, he had told him yesterday hadn't he? Or had he not listened? That could be, taking the way he had been into consideration.

"I'm having a dinner with a handsome man." He said with a neutral tone after he decided that it was not his fault if Arthur didn't pay attention to his surroundings. He even found himself feeling he had the right to be at least slightly annoyed.

"… Ah, say hi to Lance for me." Arthur answered and Merlin could almost see how the memory had slowly crept into Arthur's consciousness. He had to smile at the image a bit. "After I have exterminated my pasta. Which I am eating with a spoon and a fork, before you ask. " He replied with good humour. "Good. Hey, could you buy something sweet for me? I feel like eating something sweet." Arthur replied and Merlin wasn't sure if he wanted to reply 'so now we are comfort eating huh?' or 'Yes sir, right away sir, your delivery boy on his way' or comment on how he could bring Arthur a lollipop and how cute that would be (sarcastic tone included), but he remembered Lance was there in time so he just said with the most casual tone he could muster "Yeah, yeah, I'll bring you a souvenir." It would not do to attempt on having a serious conversation or the closest he had do to flirting over the phone while there was audience present.

"Arthur said hi." Merlin stated when he ended the call. He started to twirl pasta around his fork attempting on looking as calm as possible, but Lance had to ruin that. "So you think I'm handsome?" he asked with innocent tone and a laughing face and Merlin dropped his spoon and almost knocked his plate over. He looked at Lance blushing furiously, his brain going around a circle in full speed.

Lance laughed at his reaction and Merlin relaxed a bit. Alright Lance was teasing him, but this was the first time he was saying out loud these kind of things and the way he joked… it was showing Merlin how easy it was for him to accept his homosexuality as it was. That realisation made Merlin decide on taking a risk.

"Have you seen any mirrors lately? It's not very hard to spot really." He said hiding at least partially behind his sarcasm. Lance stopped laughing, but continued on smiling "I am very flattered, thank you." he said and dipped some fries to a small cup of aioli next to his burger. Merlin had to smile too. The casual way Lance acted was very reassuring. It gave Merlin the same feeling than Gwaine when he didn't comment on Merlin leaning close to him. If a straight man could be comfortable with him being close or complimenting their looks… it really reassured him that his sexuality was not all he was and that it wasn't seen as everything he was either.

"It doesn't bother you?" He asked mostly to get a verbal assurance of what he had already gotten. "Why should it? It's a compliment, isn't it?" Lance asked while eating some more fries. Merlin grinned at him feeling very happy. That was true. Technically it was a compliment so why it should be treated as anything else? Of course Merlin wouldn't start saying stuff like that because he could be very easily misunderstood and he had no desire for any of those, but still. These kind of moments were very important to Merlin. These moments were the one thing that killed the snake inside of him slowly but irreversible.

"I could tell the same thing to you if it didn't make me a creepy old man." Lance continued with a laugh. Merlin rolled his eyes at him. Lance was surely just making fun of him, but it was alright and Merlin had an answer for him anyway. "Well, I can also tell that Gwen is very pretty. I guess it's the same." This was and would be the closest Merlin ever got to ask about Lance's sexuality. He had no doubt and there was no point in asking, but when Lance grinned at him, his cheeks slightly pink and face radiating the love he had for Gwen, Merlin had the answer anyway. Loud and clear. He smiled back feeling like the world had to be a good place if there was love like Lance and Gwen had in it.

On their way to Lance's car, Merlin bought some mint chocolate for Arthur and they managed to find a very nice bookmark made of steel and decorated with a single pearl for Lance's mother who Lance described to be the one to spend every cold season inside, in a comfortable chair and reading a book. Lance was sure Merlin would get along with her very well he suggested he and Arthur could visit his family home someday. His father would be clad to feed them his famous pasta carbonara and chocolate pie. His father was the one to cook in their house while his mother did the dishes and took care of their small 'garden' in their balcony. Lance also suggested a double date on Christmas holidays and Merlin invited him to his birthday party he just invented. It could be new years party at the same time and because Lance had a traditional family dinner he would take Gwen (the first time any of his girlfriends had been invited), Merlin decided the time to be after seven at 31th of December.

When they sat in Lance's car, Merlin had no idea why he had been so stiff before. It was very easy to talk with Lance and they had a lot of fun and surprisingly much in common on a sentimental level. Maybe the connection he now felt towards his ex-teacher (or maybe he was more his best friend's boyfriend?) made him ask of something he had not planed on asking because this was something he was really not sure if Arthur would want him to share.

"Do you remember the biology class we had with you?" He asked and Lance immediately answered that yes, he did. It was not something Lance would forget anytime soon either then...

"Uh, I just… you know the chart you showed us? I… I know where I am in that, but I'm not sure Arthur does and it might be bothering him at times I think." he said suddenly unable to look at Lance's direction so he looked out of the window instead. Merlin had sat on the back seat again even if he trusted Lance, it was the car that was making him nervous.

"Alright… Well, this will stay just between you and me and you don't have to answer, but what do you mean?" Lance said and Merlin knew he didn't ask if Arthur was comfortable of what Merlin had said for Lance knew he wouldn't do anything he didn't think would not benefit Arthur in the long run. Merlin smiled and answered the best he could.

"I- I don't really know… He might be bi, but I have never seen him look at anyone that way…" He tried. It wasn't that he didn't want to tell everything he knew to Lance, but seriously, he wasn't sure. He had labeled Arthur as bi, but he had never seen Arthur get interested in anyone and even if he had admitted he wanted Merlin, there was no real proof of that either. Arthur had never really done much more than kissing with Merlin and even if he should know very well that Merlin was a man, they had never gone beyond their waistline so how was Arthur supposed to be sure he could cope with Merlin having, well, male bits? How would Merlin cope if Arthur wouldn't like that part of him?

"I could tell you he looks you very much that way, but other than that, now that you mention… one could call Arthur very serious and maybe it's because he's not interested in flirting or all that." Lance seemed to think and even if Merlin blushed at the 'compliment' feeling pleased to hear that, he leaned towards Lance to hear more.

"I have a friend… I haven't seen him in a while, but he might know a lot more of the subject than I do. I could call him, maybe we could arrange a meeting? With you or if Arthur wants to meet him. Or if not, maybe I can get some info and links from him." Lance kept thinking and Merlin really appreciated this. If he could do anything to help Arthur, it would be worth everything. Even meeting with someone Lance knew and having a conversation of awkward topics would be totally ok and that Lance was willing to involve his friend… that was really comforting.

"Thank you." Merlin said and he didn't mean just this offer. Lance just nodded and seemed to still be thinking on something, but that was just enough. It would have been awkward if Lance had realised how deep his gratitude of this day went.

When Lance drove off and left Merlin standing next to him home, the day seemed perfect. The high feeling of having confirmed someone he had admired was truly his friend was getting mixed to a cold but sunny late autumn weather and when Merlin opened their front door, there was an envelope with no stamp on it but 'Arthur' written with carefully written letters decorated with flowers. Merlin knew without opening it was from Aida. Could he just go and hug that little adorableness? This feel in must be what it felt to fall in love with a child, a tender feeling of wanting to listen an eternity of how ponies could fly if they believed in friendship and how favourite colour was really serious business and why roses should be coloured either red or pink while unicorns could be anything from rainbow coloured to white. Merlin found himself wondering if every father fell in love with their daughters or sons the minute they were born or gradually, like Merlin had with Aida.

* * *

A/N Unexpected succes on writing an essey! Yay me! So, here part two, there is still a part to this chapter (as you can propably see from the awkward 'ending'), and I will get it written tomorrow. Now I have to go to work and then I will so sleep like a log for at least ten hours...

See you!

-L


	46. Chapter 46 - How to be a boyfriend part3

Arthur was watching a movie lying on their couch, covered in one of their blankets. With the extra energy the good mood had given him, Merlin felt like squeezing Arthur in the middle, nuzzling to his stomach and telling he loved him over and over again, but he settled on sitting next to the couch on the floor and leaning to the said furniture about where Arthur's stomach was.

"Chocolate?" Merlin asked nonchalantly and handed Arthur the mint chocolate. Arthur took it happily and it was almost like the Arthur Merlin knew, but quite soon Arthur focused on the movie and Merlin felt a bit neglected because Arthur didn't even ask how his day had been or how Lance was doing. It didn't matter for long though, because Merlin still had energy to stay positive. The movie held little interest for him, so he started to observe every move Arthur made instead. Maybe he didn't look that tired anymore? Or maybe if Merlin looked at his face long enough, he could understand what was going on inside of it?

"Umm… have a chocolate?" Arthur sounded like Merlin was the one who was acting weird and offered Merlin a piece. He was holding the chocolate in a way that told Merlin that Arthur was expecting him to place his own hand underneath so Arthur could drop the chocolate. That was the way Merlin usually wanted things to be handed to him, but he rarely made _Arthur_ hand anything to him like that. And even when he did, it was because of force of habit more than anything else. For some reason Arthur's gesture annoyed him enough to leave his hands where they were folded on top of his knees and leaned forward instead.

Merlin bit softly into the chocolate his lips brushing Arthur's fingers lightly and when Merlin returned to his original position, feeling a bit pleased of himself and the delicious combination of chocolate and mint, Arthur's hand was still hovering in between them and his mouth was slightly open. 'Interesting…' Merlin thought and he felt a small blush colour his cheeks. This reaction was very encouraging and Merlin dropped his gaze to Arthur's hand again. Could he kiss Arthur's fingers? Or should he get closer to Arthur so they could cuddle? But Merlin wanted something a bit more than just a hug right now so maybe he should go in for a kiss?

But while Merlin was thinking if he had enough confidence to try and take things forward himself, Arthur cleared his throat and put his hands under the pillow he was leaning on. "We have been home alone before you know… I won't do anything, so don't worry." Arthur said sounding aggrieved. Merlin snapped his eyes to look at Arthur's face that was again turned towards the tv.

"I know that." Merlin's tone came out as somewhat grumpy. This definitely had not been what he had intended and it felt almost insulting that after he had never thought Arthur would break his trust, after he had told him as much and after he had actually wanted quite a many things that definitely didn't involved Arthur telling him that he 'won't do anything' Arthur still didn't get it.

Arthur didn't even pretend that he was interested of the movie anymore and Merlin knew he had his undivided attention now, but he waited to see what Arthur would do next. "I didn't mean to upset you…" Arthur said carefully. Too carefully and that was annoying in a way Merlin had not thought he could even get annoyed. He wasn't one of the girlfriends who at times showed up in conversations or to watch matches or waited for their boyfriends by the door of the gym and at times made impossible requests and made a fight out of things that made no sense or seemed so stupidly small that Merlin had questioned their and their boyfriend's intelligence more than once. Merlin so wouldn't lower himself to their level, there had to be at least one good side to dating a boy, so he took a deep breath said slowly "I'm not upset" keeping his tone neutral. He would talk about this with Arthur and make him see his point like intelligent human beings did.

"That's great…" Arthur said not relaxing the slightest. Merlin could just blink at him for a while. How long had they known watch others again? If Arthur didn't get this much, how earth was he supposed to make Arthur see this how he saw it? Or should he just repeat what he had already said? At least that would be safe, right? Merlin again felt a fleeting touch of fear that he could screw this all up, but as he kept looking at Arthur's worried expression, he knew he couldn't continue like this either. There had been a time he had thought he would be happy with anything Arthur would give to him. That if Arthur wouldn't hate him that would be enough, that if he stayed by his side that would be all he could ever hope for, but now it seemed things were not that simple.

Merlin wanted Arthur, all of him. He wanted to feel the same connection they had as friends when they were alone in their dimly lighted room on a saturday evening too. He wanted to be able to understand Arthur and feel that he was understood even with things he felt shameful and didn't share with anyone else. He wanted to make that worried look go for once and for all. He wanted their relationship function like Lance's and Gwen's did. Maybe he was being greedy, but maybe aim for the best for both of them, would be worth the risk.

"I- " Merlin started but his throat felt dry so he closed his mouth and swallowed. Arthur had a wrinkle in between his brows now. Merlin took a deep breath, he wouldn't let Arthur look like that. "Sometimes… I feel… that I'm the only one who- I mean you never do anything. And I know you won't. You tell that to me often enough. Do you even want to do anything I wonder..." He started very carefully, but towards the end Merlin felt like the words were just falling out of his mouth and he heard his tone turn almost whiney. The moment he realised that he snapped his mouth shut. How was he different here from for example Lee's girlfriend who had made a fuss because Lee hadn't noticed she had pierced her ears?

Merlin rubbed his eyes and was ready to tell Arthur to forget about it and tell him he's sorry for complaining, but before he could, he heard Arthur mumble under his breath "Oh Merlin…" like he had just found this situation as frustrating as Merlin did and the next second Arthur had gently cupped Merlin's face with the same hand he had offered the chocolate with. Merlin could tell, Arthur's fingers felt a bit sticky when he turned Merlin's face softly to look at him again.

"Love, sit with me please." Arthur said with the most soft tone Merlin had ever hear him use and he stood up only to sit down next to Arthur who moved to sitting position himself to make room for Merlin. He then covered them both with the blanket and took Merlin in his arms so that Merlin was leaning to his shoulder. It was such a good place to be and Merlin closed his eyes for a moment just to enjoy it more. Arthur kissed the top of his head and his fingers found their way to the nape of Merlin's neck.

"Never think that I wouldn't want everything with you." Arthur whispered next to Merlin's ear and a pleasant shiver ran through Merlin's whole being. "You are not the only one. I- I have been hoping that maybe we could- what do you want to do?" Arthur continued and Merlin wished he could see Arthur's face. It was beyond obvious that he had something in mind, but he didn't want to scare Merlin and that had to stop. Merlin wasn't scared of Arthur.

"For you to stop being so damn considerate all the time. I'm not made of glass you know." He said firmly and pulled back just enough to see Arthur's expression. Arthur looked at him like he could as well be and Merlin gave him a pointed look. Arthur now looked uneasy and he turned to look away even if he didn't let go of Merlin.

It took a while before Arthur said, sounding uncommonly unsure, "It's just, what if I go too far?". Merlin studied Arthur's face again. He was serious and this much cautiousness Merlin could appreciate, it was better this way actually. It was better to be cautious because Merlin knew he had limits. Some of them hit him in the face like a brick wall suddenly, like one day when Arthur and wanted to point something at him and he had tucked Merlin's hood lightly and said 'look!', but for a moment there Merlin had honestly thought he was being strangled and it had taken almost fifteen minutes of Arthur rubbing his back and speaking to him with a low, calming tone for the ghosts of Uther's hand to leave his neck. Some things he just couldn't do, like touching himself 'there' and he seriously doubted it would be much better if Arthur tried.

Merlin sighed, mostly because he would have given quite a lot to be able to say that there was no such thing as too far if it was Arthur, but also because, as he had already said, he was a bit fed up to this level of tip toeing around him. "What if we make a deal: I'll tell you if you go too far." He said knowing that this would be the best he could offer now.

Arthur looked at Merlin first very seriously, but then a smile started to tug first one side of his mouth and then the other. "Would it really be that easy?" He asked his tone full of smile. "Yes." Merlin answered shortly and he couldn't help but smile too. Arthur grinned at him widely and clomped him into a tight embrace. That felt right, so very right and Merlin hugged Arthur back feeling that he had done the right thing by speaking his mind. Maybe being Arthur's boyfriend wasn't entirely different from being Arthur's friend after all. 'I thought that it made you my best friend… Maybe you still are, in a way.' Arthur's words echoed in Merlin's mind and he wondered briefly why he hadn't got this all four days ago.

"Would you lie down with me for a while." Arthur didn't wait for answer and started to lean back taking Merlin with him. Merlin wanted to comment on how lying next to each other's was actually the one thing they did every night, but when he found himself from a position where Arthur was lying on the couch under him, smiling at Merlin, his cheeks light pink, Merlin had nothing to say anymore. His body started to heat up and he recognised now almost familiar feeling of his jeans tightening in certain areas, but even if he still felt a spike of shame and a feeling he knew was an echo from the past, it was easy to forget them for now when Arthur lifted his chin to kiss Merlin with a slow passion. The kiss promised continuation and erased the doubt that Arthur couldn't find him attractive from Merlin's mind. For now at least.

Merlin adjusted his position careful not to break the kiss, but he wanted to get his legs to the couch too and preferably without Arthur noticing his now very visible (at least Merlin felt it was) erection. Arthur followed his movements and soon they were fully lying on the couch on their side, Merlin keeping his legs just enough bend so Arthur couldn't press against him fully and Arthur didn't. He kept hugging Merlin close and he kept his upper body so that Merlin was partially on top of him still. Merlin wasn't sure if it was because Arthur was still feeling tired and wanted to lean to his pillow, or if he wanted to give Merlin the feeling that he was in control. Or maybe Arthur just liked it this way?

That didn't really matter and it mattered even less when Merlin felt Arthur's hands slide on his back and finally tug the hem of his shirt. Merlin opened his eyes lazily and looked at Arthur's now open eyes with half lidded anticipation. Oh yes, this was definitely what he wanted and when Arthur pressed his forehead briefly against Merlin's and didn't ask something along the lines 'is this ok?', but just tugged Merlin's shirt from his jeans and slid his hand to feel Merlin's back, Merlin knew Arthur had understood. He moaned softly and buried his head to Arthur's neck. He pressed himself against Arthur's body completely forgetting his lower state until the pressure against Arthur's tight caused a feeling Merlin had completely forgotten even existed.

Arthur didn't stop, if anything he slid his other hand under Merlin's shirt and kissed Merlin's neck. Either Arthur hadn't noticed or he didn't mind and with both Merlin could be happy so he relaxed and let himself grow hotter with the pressure and slight friction Arthur's hip provided to his arousal and on a moment's impulse he opened his mouth and whispered hotly to Arthur ear "Open the damn buttons already…".

Arthur snapped his head to look at him and for a second Merlin thought he had said too much, but when he looked at Arthur's eyes, they were heavy and somehow darker in a way Merlin had never seen them before, but he liked immensely. He did the only logical thing and kissed Arthur with all he got. It took only a moment to feel Arthur's hands first slowly press to his chest and then gently push him on his side so Arthur could have access to the buttons.

It was exactly as satisfying as Merlin had thought it would be to feel Arthur open one button at a time, but he hadn't even dreamed how good the little things, like feeling Arthur's fingers brush against his chest and towards his stomach or the cool air that came after Arthur's hand had moved lower or how confident the way Arthur breathed small shallow breaths at times made him feel.

When his shirt was completely open, Merlin hugged Arthur closer and sneaked his hands under Arthur's t-shirt. Arthur pressed him against his chest. It was such a tight embrace and Merlin felt Arthur's warm body through just one thin layer of fabric so clearly it was almost too much, but at the same time too little. Arthur's hold was strong and Merlin was quite sure that if Arthur really tried, he could prevent him from moving anywhere, but still the embrace felt safe and Merlin nuzzled as close to Arthur's chest as he could and relaxed.

Time became slow and Merlin crew so comfortable with the position that he wasn't sure if he had any will to even make out anymore. Arthur held still and Merlin had time to wonder if Arthur was actually stilling the moment so he wouldn't need to hear Merlin tell him to stop. So he wouldn't go 'too far' as he had been afraid of and Merlin found himself thinking how far the line exactly was. Not here at least, no way, but where was it now? If this had happened back in Uther's house, even in this very same couch, Merlin now knew, he would have panicked and royally. But now… what would be the next step from here? They both without a shirt? Merlin could live with that, but then… what was next? They both without clothes? That… did sound a bit much at the moment.

Arthur interrupted his thinking by taking a deep breath and taking enough space between them to look at Merlin. His eyes travelled slowly from Merlin's waist to his chest and he gently caressed Merlin's side with his thumb while looking at the bare skin with a fond smile on his lips. Arthur had told many times how he liked the way Merlin looked or that he was beautiful or such things and Merlin had felt good to hear it all, but now, he felt it. He felt cherished and loved and even a bit beautiful. When Arthur looked at him like that, he didn't feel like hiding, but more like showing more to Arthur, just for Arthur.

"I love you." Merlin said with a quiet voice that seemed louder than the movie that was still playing forgotten in the background. Arthur looked at him and a wide smile rewarded Merlin even more than the small kiss Arthur gave him after saying that he too loved Merlin. Arthur looked happy and alive and nothing like he had the past few days or even most of the autumn. Oh how much was it possible to feel for someone? Surely not much more than this, Merlin thought as he smiled back to Arthur and leaned to rest his forehead against Arthur's chest. Could he ask Arthur to take his shirt off also? But then he would move and Merlin didn't want to move.

Arthur continued to caress Merlin's waist and lower back for a while until they heard the front door close. Hunith was home and it wouldn't take long for her to come up and knock their door to ask if they were hungry. Merlin rose his head and looked at Arthur's eyes, but he still didn't feel like moving. It didn't matter if his mother would be just behind their door or not, this was where he wanted to be and besides, his mother never opened their door without permission. That was the reason why their room felt so safe, Merlin just realised. That's why he could sleep against Arthur's naked chest every night without problem even if he still struggled to even sit too close to Arthur even in their living room not to even mention school. Because his mother acted like this was their space and she need a permission to enter, it had become their space and the door that had no lock in it could have been a vault door and the only key with Merlin and it wouldn't feel as safe as it did now. Had he told his mother that he loved her today? Or this week? He should do that more often.

"Mother will want to feed us more soup soon…" Merlin said with some humour not letting Arthur go or moving away himself. Arthur smiled at him amused and didn't move either. "I might have asked her to make me soup." He said sounding a bit too proud of that. "So it's thanks to you that the only thing I have been able to chew in this house lately has been breakfast? And that's only because I have been making it." Merlin said trying to sound annoyed, but it was really hard when Arthur kept grinning at him like that. "I happen to like soups." He said and Merlin rolled his eyes. "No you don't." He stated, he had seen Arthur complain enough times at school whenever they served soup that he would starve before the end of the day if he couldn't get some 'real food' might have been the term. Arthur just grinned at him even more widely.

There was a soft knock on their door that was followed by Hunith's voice asking if they were hungry, she could start making dinner now. "Sounds great!" Merlin just yelled so his mother would hear him and he didn't need to move at least for twenty minutes. As he had trusted his mother would do, she replied that she will call them when the food is ready and walked downstairs without opening the door. Merlin focused back on Arthur and smiled softly. Arthur answered the smile and Merlin realised that the way Arthur had looked at him, the way Arthur had convinced him that he was beautiful in Arthur's eyes, that look was the same he looked at Arthur and the same look Lance had on his face when he looked at Gwen. What had been the doubt for? It felt almost silly now and Merlin decided he would have to learn to be like this more. To speak his mind not fearing that Arthur might get angry at him. He had never been afraid to do that as friends, when there were others present and that was how it was supposed to be. Because this was who they were. Even like this, hugging Arthur close, Arthur's hand in his open shirt and his erection just settling down with the relaxed and still atmosphere, this was still who they were.

Arthur seemed to get distracted while Merlin got lost to his thoughts and his gaze started to wander again. Merlin enjoyed the quiet caress and kept exploring his new revelations until Arthur looked at his eyes like confirming something and then let his hand slid from under Merlin's shirt to his hip. The skin that had been warmed by Arthur's hand felt uncomfortably cold for a second, but when Arthur let his thump follow the edge of Merlin's jeans pocket, Merlin felt all of his skin heat. Was it possible to blush with the whole body? If yes, that was what had just happened.

Arthur's thump kept caressing the edge of the pocket and when he seemed to be sure Merlin wouldn't tell him to stop even with his eyes, Arthur let his gaze drop to where his hand was. Merlin felt a fleeting panic of the realisation that at least now Arthur would notice his arousal that was back with full force, but when Arthur didn't show any signs of being bothered, Merlin breathed again. The first breath came out forced and somewhat ragged and Arthur immediately stilled and looked at Merlin worry written all over his face.

Merlin shook his head and hugged Arthur closer. He felt a thin layer of cold sweat cool his heated skin, but it had nothing to do with what Arthur was doing. It was again the snake that bit into one of his many insecurities, but if something, this make out session with Arthur should have taught him that the only way to get rid of them was to let himself be and do things he wanted with Arthur and see with his own eyes which of his insecurities were real and which were not. It would need all the courage he had in him and he found himself fearing the moments where he would find some of his insecurities or fears true, but this, what he had now with Arthur compared to an hour ago, was well worth it.

"Please, continue." Merlin breathed to Arthur's chest and first hesitantly, then more naturally when Merlin relaxed again, Arthur continued to move his thumb back and forth over his hipbone. At some point Arthur even slipped just the tip of his thumb inside Merlin's pocket and the feeling of Arthur caressing such an intimate place through thin fabric was almost intoxicating. Merlin wanted to do something similar to Arthur, so he also lifted his arm from hugging Arthur's back and slid it clumsily (or that was how he felt) to Arthur's waist and then to his hips. They way Arthur breathed out didn't leave much room for doubt. This was what Arthur wanted too.

"Umm, we have to go to eat soon…" Merlin said slowly, but knowing that if Arthur didn't move, he wouldn't either. His hand felt like it was tingling and the knowledge that his fingers were actually resting on Arthur's hips covered with just pyjama pants and that he could so very easily move his hand to feel Arthur's bottom. Oh, how much he would like to do that, but he didn't dare. It was not a line they had crossed yet. Maybe that could be the next step? That Merlin could do…

"Soon." Arthur replied and didn't move either. Merlin tried to mimic the movement Arthur made even if there were no pocket in Arthur's pants and Arthur closed his eyes softly. With that gesture Merlin found his chance to satisfy his curiosity and he glanced downwards, or at least he planned to just take a peek, but when he saw Arthur's length through his thin pyjama pants, Merlin couldn't think and much less move his gaze.

It was like a wave of arousal and gratefulness and relief that washed over Merlin. That Arthur was also like this… that he wasn't the only one here liberated Merlin from a lot of shame he had still been carrying around his very own home and he just then realised how much he had wanted to see Arthur too feel like this. It was so different compared to what he had gone through, this arousal was for him, it could bring him as much pleasure as Uther had bought him pain. It wasn't there to hurt and mock him, but to tell him that Arthur felt the same as Merlin. He too wanted Merlin and that was what Merlin had needed to know.

It was too soon when Hunith called them to eat and Merlin almost yelled that 'not yet, ten minutes!' Like he had when he had been a child and too caught up with whatever stupidity they had been planning with Will.

Arthur however stood up and pulled Merlin with him. The dinner was not soup, but potatoes and meat stew and Merlin acted like he had won a competition of something just to annoy Arthur even if he wouldn't have minded having soup for dinner after he had stuffed himself full of pasta with Lance. Arthur kicked him under the table to get Merlin 'to stop gloating'. Hunith told them to behave while eating, but she wasn't too serious. Merlin asked her how Susan was (Hunith had been at Susan's to hear what she had missed last week) and replied that he would when Hunith delivered him a message from Susan who asked if Merlin would like to watch over Aida when she and her husband would go to a date next friday evening.

It was a very nice evening and when Arthur opened his pyjama buttons when they went to sleep and gave him a long kiss before falling asleep against his shoulder, Merlin felt that something had clicked to its right place tonight. It had been a long day and he was tired, but he still laid there listening Arthur's breathing and thinking everything he and Arthur had done today so he wouldn't forget any of it. His last thought before he fell to sleep was how confident and good he felt even if his shirt was open and Arthur's elbow was right next to his crotch where it had moved after Arthur had fallen asleep.

He had spent so much time and energy to feel anxious of his own body and now… he was still anxious at times and he still found his body dirty and used, but somehow, it wasn't the same anymore. Shame wasn't something he felt all the time anymore. Mostly he didn't focus on his body like that and at times, there were these small moments when Merlin could mirror the way Arthur or his friends saw him and even enjoy himself.

When Merlin woke up in the morning, Arthur was sleeping on his back, his limbs spread and half of his blanket hanging outside of the bed. "You are cute." Merlin blurted out the first thought that hit his morning fuzzy brain and Arthur's face morphed to something close to a disturbed look before he opened his eyes. "I'm boiling, I'm wearing a pair of pants I have had longer than I have known you and your mother uses way too much garlic when she cooks. You have a weird taste." he said and Merlin just laughed. Maybe he could be Arthur's boyfriend in mornings too.

* * *

A/N Yes! This chapter is finaly over and posted... I wanted it to be just one chapter where Merlin basically wakes up on friday, we see his worry and meeting with Freya and lunch with Lance + all that makes him have this conversation/ make out session with Arthur :3 But well, the next chapter is almost ready and so I would hope to get it out in three days.

The next chapter was supposed to be the last, but I do have some sketches for at least two more chapters, so if I get some encouragement and there are readers who would like to read more, I'll be happy to write them. So remember to review if you want continuation to this story now because I will make some changes to the next chapter if I don't need to tie everything up as an ending.

Thank you!

Angel Dove1 ch 44 Oh thank you so much for your kind words and concern! Noro-virus is a nasty little thing, and extremely contagious, so I had to stay in quaranteen for five days at hospital... that's why I'm so much behind everything, but now I'm feeling much better :) Yep, Uther's shadow is still very much present even if his sorry ass is in prison. We can only hope he's not having good time there... And that is so true, no-one in his family has been saved from emotional scars. Well said. As you also said, Arthur has never had much free time and it is very sad. In his age, there should be tons of stuff to do, but for him it's just so very hard to give himself a permission to relax... he feels it has to be earned. But we have Merlin, let's see what he will do to help Arthur ;) I really wanted to use that very easy trust Merlin and Freya had in the show. Merlin told her about his magic even if they barely knew and that was something that was punished by death... So I wanted to make Merlin have her as someone he felt trust very easily. I'm glad you liked it :) Ah, Arthur in tight jeans... that would definitely be a sight to see... Ahem, I mean Merlin would definitely enjoy seeing that one... For some reason, I can't open the review you send to me, I can only see it in my e-mail and that is cut off here because of the lenght... So I can just hope it will appear for me to read fully soon or I'll have to contact whoever is in charge in ff. Still great review like always, I really enjoy your reviews so thank you again, I hope you enjoyed this merthur moment :)

ch 45 Thanks! I'm quite pleased with myself because of the essey too :) Yep, burnout... I have had one myself and that was not pretty. Arthur is younger and he doesn't live alone (wich at least for me made it all harder) so he will get back to his feet quickly, let's see what happens in the next chapter ;) (I do say this a lot, don't I?) Finaly I had an opportunity to write merlin and Lance together. They were so nice in the show... Also it's good that Merlin is widening the social group he can tell things. Ha! Lance really is not that much older, but when I first wrote that he returned the compliment, it felt wrong. Like if I was him, I would have felt greepy telling my former student how he was handsome or cute while dating someone from his glass... Better to joke and get the message accros than seem like I have it for teenagers... *shudders* I have pupils at that age... *shudders again*. Haha! Now I want to see Arthur going '...' and running to his car in just pyjama pnats and t-shirt demanding to know where Merlin is... :D he would make such a scene if he was a jealous type! ... I have to admit that I was thinking a lollipop for a while there, but that wouldn't have worked for this chapter :P Hmm... A kiss could be sweet... Alright, now I see Merlin and Arthur way into future and how Merlin would have promised something sweet for Arthur and complitely forgotten it and when Arthur asks for it, Merlin would be like 'damn, I forgot that one' and then he kisses Arthur. "Was that sweet enough?" he would ask innocently and Arthur would just be like "Uh..." and Merlin would flash him a grin and Arthur would be left standing and thinking if he had been tricked or not... :D Aida is going to stay in their life and Merlin sure finds her therapeutic and he's so in love with the little monster, I have a soft spot for young men who like spending time with kids ;P Thank you again for your kind words, I promise I will not sacrifice my life for this fic, but I seriously want to keep my deadlines in this too. I hope to see you again, reading your comments really bring me joy!

Greedy Reader Hi! Nice to see you too! I can tell you battling against noro-virus took a bit more than past few days, but yep, I'm healthy and using most of my free time behind a computer screen again :) Again, beautiful analysis for Arthur's situation, he really tried to do too much and when his routine was broken, he lost the plot. But he will get back on track soon :) He is young and strong after all. Your example also sounds very much realistic, I can imagine that happening. I have had one burn out and that was not just being tired, it was like my body was a mess. My heart would beat like crazy if I as much as rose to a sitting position and I was so cold all the time... if I wasn't standing, then I was hot like hell. Yep, Merln is now benefitting not just Arthur but himself. he is getting further away from the picture Uther had painted for him and learning to live in the world that is made of Arthur and Hunith and some very good friends. That is great and when he can help Arthur, he also builds more self confidense. And te PE teacher... he is lazy and also, if you are interested, he's older and has some strong points and ideals that are now old fashioned. Those ideas clash with Arthur's methods and when the team is so strongly behind Arthur and the former teacher (Lance), he saw it easier to just let Arthur do as he wills. what about his basic work, like attendance list and reservations? Well, he worked in the last school for over ten years and there he didn't need to make field reservations so he kind of forgot them until that cheerleader incident and after that Merlin almost hissed at him if he came even close to his own office during practices and he decided it was alright to let the kid do it if he so wanted and attendance? Who would be missing if not for a reason? Everyone in the team already knows if someone is sick at this point of day, so he only reacts if the team would wonder where someone was because 'he had been in school the whole day'. Otherwise, why bother? He doesn't get why it would be important to remember afterwards who was pressent and who wasnt. i too don't like that kind of teachers, just to make sure :P Hope you liked the merthur bot of this three part chapter and hopefully see you soon again ;)


	47. Chapter 47 - Together we will survive

Arthur didn't sleep well. After his fever had broken, he had slept poorer and poorer every night and the naps he had taken during the days certainly hadn't helped. Arthur felt uncomfortably hot most of the night and he couldn't seem to get comfortable. Merlin slept happily curled to his side and Arthur enjoyed the closeness very much, but it was making him even more hot.

Arthur's night however wasn't that bad tonight because whenever he woke up, his mind returned to his and Merlin's evening and that made him smile like a simpleton every time. It now seemed he had again been too careful with Merlin. It all seemed now too easy. Of course Merlin could tell him if he went too far. Of course Arthur needed to also show Merlin how desirable he was to Arthur, not just tell that all the time and then do nothing. Besides Arthur could tell quite well when Merlin felt uncomfortable. It seemed now that he had just tried to avoid seeing Merlin get uncomfortable to the extent Merlin had gotten worried of his feelings. Arthur would have regretted that if the wasn't so excited and happy of the outcome of the evening. It felt incredible how Merlin had enjoyed himself and how he had pressed himself against his body and how Arthur had felt his boyfriend hard against his hip.

Oh how many times Arthur had gotten a hard on when Merlin had been close to him, basically every night, but how much he had tried, he had never seen Merlin get one and that he had never caught Merlin looking at him anywhere near his crotch had made him feel insecure in a very peculiar way. He had lost that feeling however when he had come to a conclusion that to Merlin an erected penis could be a symbol of pain and his abuse, so Arthur had learned to hide his arousal by acting like it didn't exist, by using clothes that hid it well and by wearing pyjama pants and keeping the blanket (that plotted against Arthur and planned on suffocating him) always at least up to his hips. But today, Merlin had enjoyed himself like that and he had even held Arthur by his hip, surely Merlin had seen his arousal through just thin pyjama pants? And still Merlin had enjoyed himself, that was what made Arthur feel almost high on happiness.

During the night Arthur had time to think how he could slowly test Merlin's boundaries and what he wanted to try and do that he was fairly sure Merlin could enjoy too. That way his night didn't feel too long even if he estimated that he barely slept half of it, but in the morning Arthur felt tired and soft and too warm and even if the breakfast Merlin made looked delicious, he wasn't really hungry.

During the day Arthur also started to worry once again about his grades, his team, how he would need to go to school tomorrow… Surely being sick wasn't an excuse anymore, he hadn't been sick since Thursday, and he didn't feel anything that would have prevented him from going, but somehow it all seemed pointless and at the same time too taxing. He also didn't feel like seeing any of his teammates right now. Arthur wasn't sure anymore why he was doing anything and at the same time he felt a need to present a decent report card to Hunith who had been so kind to him in everything, and to Merlin too. Arthur had such a smart and brave boyfriend and he was so proud of him… he wanted that Merlin would be able to be proud of him too and right now Arthur didn't feel like someone who could make anyone proud.

When Merlin started to work on the last assignment he needed to complete before Christmas, Arthur couldn't watch so he closed his eyes. The lost sleep took care of the rest and Arthur fell asleep in seconds. When Merlin woke him up by gently caressing side of his face, Arthur had slept two hours. He wouldn't sleep well the next night either and even if hugging Merlin close and breathing in his scent distracted Arthur from the looming monday, it was short lived.

During dinner Arthur still didn't have appetite and when they left to visit Gwaine, the autumn cold wind felt harsh against his skin. He had been inside far too long, but before Arthur could make connection between this stale feeling and the fact that he normally went out and exercised every day, they had covered the relatively short distance between their and Gwaine's home.

It was nice to visit Gwaine. He had made Arthur and Merlin warm wine and snacks and he was funny and loud as always. Merlin and Gwaine really got along and it was great fun even just listening to them, but Arthur couldn't get himself to the right mood. He wasn't exactly brooding, but he felt that he was too quiet and he really didn't have anything to say. Seeing Merlin enjoy himself was however very enjoyable for Arthur and if asked, he would have said he had good time. Arthur wished that Merlin could act like this with his friends too. Funny, open, relaxed, smiling and witty, it would be great if Merlin could enjoy himself like this more often and there really wasn't anything wrong with his teammates.

The night ended far too soon and when they left, it could have very well been Arthur who was the most reluctant to leave. On their way, the closeness of monday really started to stress Arthur. By the time they reached home, he felt that there was no way he would go to school tomorrow so he waited until Merlin retired to their room to take a shower and then Arthur talked with Hunith.

He asked if he could stay at home just one more day. He told her he hadn't slept well. Hunith looked at him in a way that told Arthur that she didn't quite believe in Arthur's reasoning, like she knew something even Arthur didn't, but she agreed. She told Arthur it would be the best to rest as long as he needed, but at the same time she told that it would be very important that Arthur told her what was the reason of his need to rest, for he wasn't sick anymore, if he decided he needed more time than this week to recover.

Arthur promised gladly feeling relieved that Hunith hadn't asked for a reason right now, but at the same time he felt this week to be an absolute deadline for him. He wouldn't tell Hunith that he needed more than two weeks of rest because he didn't feel motivated and the school felt like a lot of work. His pride wouldn't let him.

When Merlin returned downstairs Arthur thanked Hunith ending their conversation and told her he would also go and take a shower. He didn't look Merlin in the eyes when he passed him.

When Arthur was finished with his shower, Merlin was there, sitting on their bed and looking… worried? Or maybe determined? Arthur wasn't sure, but the moment he sat next to Merlin, he spoke immediately. "You are not coming to school tomorrow." It wasn't a question so Merlin must have talked with Hunith. Arthur wasn't sure what to think of that so he just nodded shortly.

"No… I'm not sure, maybe I'll come on tuesday." He said, but it was a lie and Arthur knew it as soon as he had said it out loud. He had no will to go to school. "So… what are you going to do tomorrow?" Merlin asked and looked much more serious than Arthur thought the question sounded. He had no idea, honestly. He knew he was supposed to catch up with his school work, but even thinking that felt impossibly tiring. He looked at a spot on their floor and tried to think if there was something he could answer without feeling even more embarrassed, but Merlin beat him to it.

"Arthur… you have to start to do something again." His tone was soft and kind, but firm. Arthur wanted to nod and ask Merlin what he should do for just now Merlin seemed like he knew better. Like he had more experience on whatever this was and maybe he did. Thinking that made Arthur sad, but he didn't know what to do to that or how to ask Merlin to help him and with what so he tried to mumble at least some sort of excuse for himself "Hunith said it's alright to rest for a while…" It sounded weak even in his own ears. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to rest anymore. There were too many emotions connected to everything and they mingled together making Arthur confused and frustrated.

Merlin shook his head and sighed. This was getting nowhere. The way Arthur talked was so weak and so not like Arthur he knew, that it almost scared Merlin. Arthur had been so amazing last night and he had eventually had fun at Gwaine's, but right now it seemed that even if he could momentarily forget what was troubling him, the problem was still there and they would need to talk about it. For otherwise it would be too easy to fall to this depressed state of mind. Merlin knew how that felt all too well and he didn't want Arthur to get familiar with it.

"I don't think you need to rest anymore, at least not like this that you sleep half a day and then poorly at night. You need to get out of this house and get something real to do." Merlin tried to find words for what he thought, he didn't think he was succeeding too well right now.

Arthur frowned "I would seem so…" and Merlin immediately knew he had thought that with 'something real' Merlin had meant school and football and suddenly he had words.

"I don't mean for me or for mother or for anyone else either, but for you. You need something real to do because that's who you are." Merlin said hoping that Arthur would understand, but the look Arthur gave him made his heart ache. Arthur looked confused and the look seemed to ask 'For me? _Me_? Why would I do something for _myself_?' That kindled a surprisingly strong hate towards Uther Pendragon in Merlin's heart.

On his own behalf, Merlin was mostly bitter and scared of Uther. On his behalf he needed to learn again things he had learned when he had been living with just his mother, but Arthur, he had never learned how it feels to be loved not for what he has archived, but because he was Arthur. He had never learned to ask for help or talk about his feelings when he was vulnerable or even when he wasn't feeling well. He had learned to meet expectation, even when they were impossibly high and right now, Arthur couldn't meet the expectations he thought the world had placed for him and that was keeping him down.

Merlin had to take a deep breath before he could talk without letting all of that into his voice. "Yes, for yourself. Tell me one thing that you really want to do. Not because you think you have to, but because you want to." Arthur looked at him still confused and his forehead was wrinkled. He looked lost. "I don't know… I'm not sure anymore, I- I don't know." He said sounding almost frantic. Admitting that must have not been easy for Arthur, but it wasn't easy to hear for Merlin either. He hugged Arthur almost painfully tight and he felt Arthur's hurt mix with the anger he felt towards the man that had taken so much from them both. This wasn't fair. Arthur had done so much for so little and he- this wasn't fair.

"I think you do." Merlin said slowly to Arthur's neck when he could force his voice to be steady. For a while it seemed that Arthur wouldn't answer. He had let his forehead fall to Merlin's shoulder and he hadn't even bought his arms up to return Merlin's hug, but then Merlin heard a small "football. I have always liked it." and Merlin smiled. "I know." he said softly and loosened his death grip a bit. He brought his hand to caress Arthur's hair softly hoping it would make Arthur feel even slightly better. "Remember, you told me once. You told me that you wanted to be the captain for your team, because they were important to you. Not because of your father."

Arthur flinched visibly. This was the first time either of them had mentioned Uther after the trial and that Merlin had referred him as Arthur's father… Arthur was past the need to hiss and snarl that he had no father, but it still felt like something inside of him had just formed a knot and was now trying to exit his body through his throat. To anyone else he would have told that this conversation was over, that he didn't want to hear anything about that man, but it seemed that Merlin was special even in this. He didn't want to get angry even to defend his pride, he wanted to let Merlin help him even if so many feelings tried to make him annoyed and frustrated and he wasn't used to this kind of things.

Arthur felt Merlin's long fingers caress his scalp and the knot slowly dissolved and left him feeling bare and empty, but now he could think a bit more clearly. Like somehow his head had been swollen with all the feelings he had had and now that they had left him, he could see his thoughts underneath all that confusion. Why he hadn't felt like reading what had been going on with his team even if Merlin had stacked it all neatly to their desk… the answer started to form in his mind.

"But he still told me to continue even after Morgana quit and he told me to be the best and he told me to become a captain as soon as it was possible. So what am I but what I was told to be?" Arthur hadn't wanted to sound this desperate, but feeling Merlin not just physically, but mentally wrapping him to something that Arthur wouldn't have known a name for had Merlin not called him 'Love'. That was obviously what it was.

"Love, you are you and that you were told to be the best didn't make you the best, it was all you and I remember how you thought it out yourself, it was your decision to try and become the best captain this team could possibly have and seriously, had I been told to do the same, however hard I would have tired I would never have excelled like you do and I can tell you I would have hated every second of it." Merlin's voice was much steadier than it had been a while ago and Arthur found he could see what Merlin meant. That was true, wasn't it? There were things that he had done all his life, but he had never enjoyed and now he could very honestly say he despised them, but some things… yes, his father had approved them, but what about that? Arthur had played for himself and because he liked it. It had been next to impossible to get his father to even see his games when he had been little and at some point, it hadn't even mattered anymore. Arthur could now remember the feeling he had had when he had seen the first professional game in a big stadium and how he had yelled and shouted with Morgana and how they had played their favourite parts for weeks in their garden.

"I remember how Morgana came home one day and she wanted to teach me how to play football. It was the best game ever and I begged my father to let me try to get into a children's team that practiced during summer two times a week until he gave in. I think I was five… Morgana started with me because there was no age or gender limits. I don't remember much anything else of that summer but how much fun I had while I ran and kicked a neon yellow ball. There was this older kid who told me that I was good and well, you remember how a seven years old was the highest authority when we were five?" At some point of his story Arthur had leaned a bit back and started to gesture with his hands while Merlin's arms rested loosely on his shoulders. They were both smiling.

Merlin didn't say anything of how now Arthur had his answer or how he should return to school then, because they both knew. Only when they were lying under their covers and Arthur, who was wide awake was caressing the side of Merlin's face absentmindedly Merlin asked if Arthur was coming to school tomorrow to which Arthur answered "No, I'll come on tuesday." and it wasn't a lie anymore.

When Merlin returned from school on monday, late again because about everyone in the team had wanted to ask and then later make sure that Arthur was really coming to school tomorrow, the first thing he noticed were Arthur's running shoes next to their front door. When he entered their room, Arthur was sitting next to their desk, Merlin's notes sprawled across the surface.

"You went to run." Merlin stated and Arthur replied without looking up from the notes "Hello to you too Love, nice to see you and yes, just sitting around made me tired." Merlin smiled at Arthur's back, this was so much better and now Merlin could also relax. During the day when he hadn't been able to see Arthur, he had started to feel anxious. What if he had made a serious mistake here? Lance and even his mother had told him they suspected a burnout, so what if he had pushed Arthur to come back to school too soon? What if he had made the matters worse by far because even if Merlin couldn't say he knew exactly how burnouts worked, he was fairly sure that returning to the stressing environment too soon wasn't recommendable.

"You have anything you need to do today?" Arthur interrupted Merlin's thoughts. "No, why?" He answered immediately. There was a document he had been waiting to see in one hour, but it didn't matter if Arthur had other ideas. "Then you are coming with me to buy me a new blanket. The one you chose is trying to boil me on daily bases." Arthur said sounding a bit bossy in a way that would normally earned a title 'prat' from Merlin, but not today. "Sure, I'll just change something less used while cleaning a storage room."

Merlin was already on his way to their closet when Arthur called for him "Merlin! I- would you like to eat something afterwards?" his voice sounded a lot less sure and maybe even a bit… shy? Could Merlin think Arthur as shy? Even a little bit? That was a bit hard.

"Like a date?" He asked and now he could see Arthur's cheeks turn pink and run his fingers through his hair in a nervous manner. "If you'd like?" He said now definitely shyly and Merlin had a serious urge to go and squeeze Arthur, but he just grinned and replied "very much" before shutting himself to their closet suddenly with much more pressure on what to wear than a minute ago.

* * *

Tuesday morning Arthur felt weirdly calm and actually pretty happy of going back to school. He didn't exactly look forward of double chemistry or music, but he had some new, or maybe old enthusiasm for football and somehow it felt like he wasn't even going to the same school he had not wanted to return. Arthur kind of thought that maybe it was embarrassing how much drama he had managed to create on his own, but at the same time now, it felt it had been needed. And none other than Hunith and Merlin wouldn't even need to know about that, right?

"Or maybe you could just listen during chemistry, I can do all the experiments and you can have my notes, so…" Merlin had again started to ramble next to him and Arthur rolled his eyes. The whole morning Merlin had been going back and forth of how great it was that Arthur was coming back to school to maybe it would be the best if Arthur took it easy, he could even just come to football at first, couldn't he mom? to how walking to school was so nice, how Arthur needed fresh air and now to this. "… and maybe if you didn't need to coach today, Elyan could-"

"Merlin, I swear if you change your mind one more time, I'll make you our goal keeper of the month. Now shut up and tell me what you want me to do when the situation rises." Arthur knew he was practically giving Merlin a permission to boss him around the whole day, but when Merlin snapped his mouth shut, it was well worth it. It still took most of the day for Merlin to relax and even then he followed Arthur like a hawk. Even when Arthur sat in the table a variety of footballers sat every day. Arthur wasn't sure if he was more surprised or Vivian more offended by that.

It turned out to be one of the best schooldays Arthur had ever had. The way mostly everyone from his team came to welcome him back with a hit on his back or cheerful chatter of what he had missed made Arthur really happy. It was very nice to see this way he had friends even if he had never been able to spend as much time with them as he would have liked to. It seemed that the feeling was mutual at moments like these.

When he finally entered the still empty gym, Arthur was in high spirits even if he was only half sure what he would do with his team today. He had completely forgotten what he had said to Merlin in the morning until his personal hawk came from the direction of the locker rooms dragging Elyan, who looked highly uncomfortable, by his sleeve.

"You are going to play today, Elyan just volunteered to coach the rest of the week." Merlin said and Elyan looked like he had volunteered as much as he usually volunteered to clean his room when Gwen 'suggested' him to do so. Arthur gave him a pointed, but amused look and Elyan just hung his head. It was one thing that his little sister could make him do things, but now her best friend too…

"Alright, now that this is settled, I'm going to take attendance." Merlin said overly cheerful and disappeared to the direction of the coach's office. Arthur and Elyan shared a look and then they both laughed. This was a good day, Arthur decided before he fell into a familiar trance of just jogging and stretching and doing pushups as someone across the gym yelled at him to. He wouldn't tell it to Merlin of course, but this idea had been pure genius.

Elyan did a good job with leading and after Arthur told him so, he seemed to get more confidence and that did wonders. By the end of the week they had agreed that Elyan could be officially the vice-captain and he would substitute Arthur whenever he was sick and lead warm ups every monday and thursday.

It didn't even take a week for Merlin to realise how much Arthur enjoyed, one could even say needed, the times when Elyan was in charge of warm ups. Even if Arthur seemed like normal in school, at home he needed reassurance that he was still doing fine and it was evident that Arthur needed a break from being a leader. Maybe the Christmas holiday would help and Arthur would again fully enjoy being the captain, but right now it seemed to Merlin that bullying Elyan to do some of Arthur's work had been the best idea he had had during the whole year.

It was probably because Merlin had thought about how he could give Arthur something similar in other areas of life, that when he heard Jordan tell Pellinor how he had seen Pellinor's older brother in jiujitsu, a light bulb went on above Merlin's head. "Jordan!" He almost tripped to his own feet when he spun around and Jordan looked him weirdly, but Merlin didn't mind. "You take martial arts lessons?"

Jordan looked a bit surprised, Merlin normally didn't start a conversation like this, but then he smiled proudly "Yeah, jiujitsu, green belt." Merlin nodded seriously even if he had no idea if green belt was good or not. "When do you have practices?" He asked and Jordan answered immediately "Wednesdays and saturdays, before competitions also sundays, why?"

"Could you take someone to see your practices? On saturday for example?" Merlin asked and suddenly Jordan got really excited. He told Merlin how of course he could and how they had beginners course starting again in january and how when he got a blue belt he would help out with the beginners too and how Merlin should definitely come and see how awesome and cool the best sport in the world was. There was also some rambling of why jiujitsu was better than karate or judo too, but that Merlin didn't listen much, but he especially liked how Jordan described the strict etiquette and how precisely the moves had to be performed.

"And Pellinor's brother was there why?" he asked and he hoped he knew the answer. "Well, we also have courses for police officers and guards, so…" Jordan answered sounding proud. "Good." Merlin just answered. "Will you take Arthur with you next saturday? If he runs any more than he does, the park nearby will have its own canyon soon…" This of course wasn't the reason, but Merlin felt he needed to say something resembling a reason after he had started this conversation so abruptly.

"Sure! You can come too if you'd like?" Jordan looked like the Christmas lights their music teacher had hung around her classroom's windows a month early. Merlin made a face at him, he would so not go even near a place that had potentially people in it who would try to make him start a contact sport. Even if he wasn't gay and he wouldn't freak out with half of the stuff he could imagine was done in martial arts lessons, his childhood gym teacher back in the village had made sure that anything even resembling wrestling made Merlin's skin crawl.

"No thank you, but at what time I can throw Arthur out of the house?" Jordan looked a bit sorry that Merlin had been so blunt, but he soon got really excited of the tough of Arthur coming with him. It turned out that Jordan had asked Arthur to come and try jiujitsu few times before, but he had always said no. "Yeah he's busy, but I always suspected his father didn't understand hobbies and-" Jordan stopped in the middle when he noticed Merlin's face. He looked uneasy for a while and Merlin realised that everyone here knew better than to mention Uther to Arthur. At least in Jordan's mind that would from now on apply for Merlin too.

"So, I'll tell Arthur and I think he could drive you while he's at it. You can talk about it with Arthur tomorrow maybe." Merlin broke the silence and Jordan cheered up. It was nice, how he had been able to talk like this with Jordan. He kind of liked him and well, they did spend a lot of time working for the same goal basically.

An idea struck Merlin right then and when Jordan was about to hit the showers, Merlin blurted out "Oh, would you like to come to my birthday party at New Year's Eve? Um, Lance is coming too…" When it was out if his mouth, Merlin felt awkward, but Jordan broke to a happy grin and replied right away that he would be there and thanks and were all the others invited also?

"I suppose…?" Merlin said suddenly very unsure of how he would explain this to his mother, but the way Jordan waved at him happily from the door of the locker rooms, Merlin started to think that maybe this would be a good idea.

That thought lasted until Merlin stepped to the locker rooms to wait for Arthur (after he had arranged all his papers in place slowly enough so everyone was out of the showers and at least half dressed) and Oliver almost jumped in front of Merlin's face and asked loudly when this birthday party they were all invited would start. The look Arthur gave Merlin told him that if in something, in this Merlin would be on his own.

Hunith was confused, pleased and horrified that Merlin had invited a football team worth of teenagers in their house, but when Merlin told how about one third couldn't come because they had family traditions or vacations or trips to visit grandparents, she could focus on just being pleased.

"You are going to help me to clean, right?" She asked and Merlin nodded looking relieved. "And you are going to help me to cook?" She continued feeling amused now. "Of course, I think I could get Gwen to help out too." Merlin said and Hunith smiled at his son. Arthur had sat on one of the kitchen chairs and he looked like he was watching his favourite show on tv and maybe just a little bit like he was learning how these kind of situations would work in his new life.

"And I think you will want me out of your hair, so we should limit the party to downstairs so I can retire to my room for the most part." Hunith continued partly because she would have done that anyway and partly so Arthur could see right now that she trusted them as hosts.

As Hunith had predicted, Arthur looked now surprised and Hunith made a mental note to ask Arthur if he wanted to have a party when he turns eighteen next summer. "Definitely. Can I invite Gwaine and Percy too?" Merlin asked and it seemed he had noticed the same and wanted to make it known that this was the normal way with his mother. In a way it was, Merlin's birthday parties hadn't been that big when he had been a child, but it wasn't like Hunith had been breathing on their neck and definitely not telling Merlin who to invite or make schedules like Arthur's birthday had been. If Merlin had found Arthur's fifteenth birthday ridiculous then, now it felt repulsive.

* * *

Getting Arthur to arrange time to go and pick Jordan up and drive them to the gym Jordan trained was like trying to get a plant into a too small pot, but much the same manner, when Arthur had seen what Jordan could do, after he had talked with his sensei and heard how jiujitsu was a perfect martial art for police officers, Arthur was sold and planted. When he came back home babbling about how the beginners class would start in january and how awesome it all had been, Merlin knew he wouldn't see Arthur two nights a week maybe ever again.

"For the record I hate when you are right." Arthur broke Merlin's amused musing and Merlin grinned at him. He knew Arthur appreciated his effort and soon enough he also let Merlin feel it by giving him the hottest kiss Merlin remembered they had ever shared.

Later in the dinner table Hunith made Arthur promise he wouldn't try to do too much and take a break if he started to feel tired, but other than that, she also told Arthur how much she enjoyed seeing him this excited of something. Arthur tried to collect his composure then but Merlin could tell he felt like he had a mother at times like this.

* * *

The rest of the school year went by very quickly. Arthur was still stressed of his grades, but he had managed to set realistic goals to his grades with some help from Merlin and just by cheating a 'tiny' bit by asking answers from Merlin, Arthur managed to complete the exercises their english teacher had given him to make up the book Arthur had never read. Doing that, Arthur was in no danger of failing in any subject and after talking with few of the teachers, Arthur had managed to relax. One grade wouldn't affect much to his final grades and on their recommendation Arthur had also checked what he needed to get into police academy and it turned out that chemistry wasn't even listed much less full marks on it.

At times Arthur had trouble of leaving some of the work he was used on doing just slide and at times he did things like lied automatically to Hunith how he was going to study at Elyan's before he caught up with himself, apologised and asked if he could go to play some games at Elyan's. At times he grew annoyed because nothing went as he was used to, but most of the time he felt content in the life he had finally started to feel was his.

The last days of school were more exchanging gifts and making plans with friends and going on about grades none could do anything about anymore, than anything else. Arthur had let his team to Christmas holidays three days before the school ended and he had deliberately left some work he thought they needed to do before spring season to after Christmas and to Merlin it seemed like a good decision. The whole summer and autumn had been very confusing time for their team with Lance leaving, Arthur taking it all to himself, Merlin turning to be the one to ask if someone needed a note to a teacher if they had been needed for the team and Arthur's sick leave… it was better to have some rest now and then start again from a clean table. For all of them.

The first day Merlin had left the school when his classes ended and not three hours later, he had gone straight to visit Gaius. He had missed the old man and they had had great time. From tales from Gaius' university times to planning a perfect Christmas present for Hunith, Merlin was in high spirits even when he had to step outside to weather that had decided that just under zero was the thing of the day, wrapped in a stormy wind and something that almost but not quite resembled snow. Needles to say, when Merlin reached home, he wasn't in the best of moods anymore.

Any other day Merlin would have noticed three unfamiliar pairs of shoes in their entrance, but not today. He was too busy on trying to get all the melting snowy-stuff from his eyes and hair, so he just opened the door of his and Arthur's room stating that the weather was awful and that Arthur better warm him up before he noticed Arthur, Elyan, Bedivere and Lee playing a console game on their couch. Merlin almost died of embarrassment and Arthur's friends looked at him like he was a foreign species.

"Ha! I should thank you Merlin, I'm beating you, Elyan." Arthur continued the game like nothing had happened and the rest of them soon focused on the game again forgetting Merlin in a blink of an eye. Merlin made a mental note to never walk in his room saying something without making sure who was in first. He moved slowly to their working desk willing his legs to hold him until he could sit down. He considered leaving, but escaping would make him seem even more suspicious, so he stayed.

He took a book he didn't need to read out and started to read in order to forget the present. He was pretty good at that even if he tried to avoid doing just that nowadays, but right now he gave himself the permission. He was cold and his hair wet from melting snow, but he couldn't think of getting up and getting a towel or warmer clothes without thinking what had just happened so he stayed put and read how The ending of 'The Tempest' had been Shakespeare's farewell to stage.

"Hey, What's Merlin doing in your room anyway?" Asked one of Arthur's team mates, Bedivere, it seemed. Merlin froze to the question and didn't rise his gaze from the book. he tried to pretend he hadn't heard. Arthur on the other hand didn't even blink "This is his room also. We only have two rooms." To his utter surprise, Merlin wasn't sure if he was more worried of Arthur's straightforward than offended of the way Arthur said 'only two rooms'.

Elyan looked around surprised and finally asked "You only have one bed…" Ok, now Merlin was ready to flee but Arthur remained calm. "So? You don't even have a bed." Their friends laughed at that and Elyan gave them a speech of how his futon was a traditional japanese way of sleeping and was very comfortable once you got used to it thank you very much.

That conversation died down about then and none of Arthur's friends asked again where Merlin slept or why they were sharing a room. At first Merlin was very much relieved, but then the time went on and the life of Shakespeare wasn't needed anymore to hold him together, Merlin started to feel feelings he had not thought about before. Gaius, Gwaine, Gwen, possibly Percy and maybe Finna had guessed that there was something going on with him and Arthur and even it had been unnerving at the time, now Merlin felt he could be pleased that they knew. His mother and Susan also knew, but there were still so many people in Merlin's life who had no idea, who didn't even think it possible that he and Arthur were in love.

That should have been a good thing, but for the first time Merlin felt that he didn't like it this way. That he was so proud of himself for he had Arthur by his side, that his love for Arthur meant so much to him and how much he was in love with Arthur. That was a huge part of his life and he couldn't even tell about it to Elyan who had understood him and given him support when he had heard what had happened to him and much less to for example to Lee who he had made stand straight just yesterday when he had taken a photo of the whole team with Pellinor's camera and seen stark naked ten minutes later when he had entered the locker rooms too early.

Telling something like that about himself scared him in the same level that masturbating did, but mixing Arthur to it wasn't even a possibility, so Merlin didn't even think of telling how things were himself, but still the feeling that it was unfair that they had to hide like this stuck. That the most important thing in his life could destroy it all and how he would never be allowed to be truly open and proud of what he was and with who.

At some point the game ended and somehow Arthur managed to include Merlin to their conversation which Merlin joined first reluctantly, but when it was time for dinner and it was time Arthur's friends left, Merlin realised that he had actually enjoyed their company. It shouldn't have been a surprise, but while Arthur walked his friends to the door, Merlin found himself looking out of the window and thinking if he could still get included in this cheerful, open and maybe a bit dense group.

When Arthur returned, he wrapped his arms around still cold Merlin. "Sorry I couldn't warm you up sooner…" Arthur mumbled to Merlin's neck making Merlin blush "It's alright… I'm sorry I didn't check before who were here…" Merlin muttered feeling utterly stupid but Arthur smiled to his neck "If I had told them we are dating, would you have been alright with it?" Arthur asked, his tone light so Merlin wasn't sure if he was being serious or not so he didn't reply for he himself had too many too serious thoughts scattered around in his head around the theme.

"Lets go to have some supper and after that I'll make you warm." Arthur continued with a suggestive tone after it was obvious that Merlin wouldn't answer. Merlin blushed furiously at that and he didn't feel cold at all anymore, but he managed to mumble something resembling an agreement so they went.

The whole dinner, Merlin kept waiting for it to end. He felt like his blood had warmed up and he couldn't even look at Arthur without blushing at least a bit. He kept eating in a steady pace and his gaze mostly on his plate even while his mother tried to make him tell how Gaius was or something like that. As soon as they had all finished eating, Merlin was ready to get back to their room and close the door, but such was his luck that their doorbell rang before Merlin could make it even halfway to the stairs.

It was Aida. Her family would leave tomorrow to visit her grandparents who lived in Spain for Christmas and New Year and she wanted to see Merlin and Arthur before she 'had to leave'. Until the very second she had to go home to sleep, she told Merlin how long it had taken to pack and which toys she had taken with her. She asked what Merlin wanted to play and she draw Merlin a picture of herself with him and Arthur with a castle and an unicorn. She made Merlin and Arthur promise her they would still live in here when she came back and that they would play again then. Merlin really concentrated then not to squeeze the little darling and tell her how cute she was and how he loved her, but Arthur didn't seem to have these kind of inhibitions.

"Come here you little princess." He said and clomped Aida to his embrace and spun her around twice while Aida giggled. "Now listen, we will not move anywhere and when you get back, we will need your help to build the best snow fortress this town has ever seen, so you better not get too used on the sun and beach while you are there you hear me?" Arthur said with utmost seriousness and Aida laughed and when Susan came to get her, she was still smiling.

"Since when have you been so good with little girls?" Merlin had to ask after they had both hugged Aida goodbye. He had done his everything to get Aida to lose that sad edge she had gotten through everything they had done today.

"I have had a lot of practice with you." Arthur replied grinning cheekily. "Cabbage head..." Merlin muttered under his breath and crossed his arms. Arthur pulled him neared in a very similar fashion he had done to Aida and asked very seriously "Are you maybe feeling sad that I didn't ask you to build the snow fortress before Aida?" and Merlin was about to tell him that he was not beyond hiding Arthur's new blanket and turning their heating to full force when he heard a small sound.

When Merlin turned his head to look, his mother was standing just two paces from them a digi camera in her hand. She looked pleased and Arthur immediately asked to see the photo. Merlin stood frozen to the spot while his brain tried to find a reason why this scene seemed weird. There was something he felt he should remember what didn't feel pleasant, but mostly he was confused. When the word 'photo' stirred his memories to catch up, he however felt even more confused of why he hadn't understood it sooner. But it was a camera, not a cellphone, the shutter sound had been different (obviously since it was an actual camera and not a recorded sound) and well, he wasn't in a compromising position and instead of taunts there were just his mother and Arthur looking at something from the camera's screen and chatting happily.

Hunith glanced at Merlin who snapped out from his trance. "Can I see too?" he asked and Hunith gave the camera to him smiling. It looked just like Merlin had felt it would. Arthur was grinning stupidly and pointing at Merlin while Merlin's eyes looked mostly white because he had been rolling them. Arthur's arm was loosely on Merlin's shoulder and most importantly, Arthur looked happy and Merlin could see a smile tucking his own lips slightly upwards. It was a nice shot and Hunith seemed very pleased with it.

When they drank their evening tea, Merlin felt that all in all, this had been a pretty good day.

* * *

It was the last day of school and friday. Tomorrow it would just be a stiff event where they would get their report cards and the principal would make a speech of the past autumn and the spring and of the challenges it would bring with it. Possibly the speech would be the same it had been two years on a row.

Lee had invited everyone in the team to celebrate in his house. His parents were both on a work related trips and his big sister had moved out just this autumn so the house was his to wreck as he told everyone proudly. Merlin had no idea how Arthur had managed to talk him to come to the part when he stood in front of Lee's door looking around and seeing very posh garden, expencive cars (that belonged to those who had already arrived) and the house itself that looked like it could hold even Uther's house inside of it. Twice. How on earth did just three people live in it? How did they even find each others?

Of course Merlin should have expected this, Lee was one of the rare Uther had allowed Arthur to invite to his birthday party and had accepted as an excuse to go out to. And hadn't he lived, well not like this exactly, but quite close just half an year ago? That felt so distant now…

When Lee opened the door for them, he was clearly in the party mood. Merlin was quite sure there was alcohol involved and soon enough he could see buckets full of ice and beer and cider in them. He gave Arthur a very hard look asking 'Where the hell you have taken me?' and even Arthur looked a bit uneasy.

"You want anything to eat? The food is in the basement." Lee asked cheerfully. He didn't offer them drinks which Merlin was grateful of. If he had, Merlin told himself, he would have so left.

The 'basement' was furnitured and decorated with style and money. There was a lounge like area with couches and low tables, a very stylish bar counter that was stacked with food at the moment and a pool. A pool currently full of footballers. It seemed some of them had known it wise to take their swimming wear with them, but others had just gone with their boxers or even naked. It surprised no-one that Oliver was one of the naked ones.

"You don't like this kind of parties?" Lee asked from his left side and Merlin gave him an unimpressed look. He had completely forgotten that Lee was still standing with them. "I have never been in one..." he tried not to hurt Lee's feelings, he was grateful that he had been invited, but he also knew he couldn't keep how out of his element he was from his tone.

"They might be louder, but you know us all, right? None of us will do anything too stupid, not like my sister's friends did. I'm cleaning this all myself tomorrow, so you can count on me to keep them all in line..." Lee said sounding a bit apologetic. Like he thought Merlin would leave right then and that he didn't want that to happen.

"I wouldn't be too sure on that… As you said I have met these people." Merlin mumbled and Lee grinned. "We have some vegan food over here, you are a vegetarian, right?" Lee stated to walk towards one end of the counter and Merlin looked at him feeling uncomfortable. "Umm, I'm not vegetarian anymore..." It felt weird, how he had almost completely forgotten that he had used to be and how it had fet to check if something or other had meat in it and besides, was it more weird that Lee knew he had been vegetarian or that he still didn't know he wasn't one anymore?

"Oh? Well, to bad… Sonja really looked forward on hearing how you liked her cooking..." Lee seemed as surprised as Merlin was and even if Merlin could drag it out from his brain that Sonja was Lee's girlfriends name, he couldn't comprehend why either of them had gone to such lengths to take his diet into consideration. Was someone else from the team vegetarian? Surely not.

"Merlin will be happy to eat vegetarian food, so you can tell Sonja he said thank you." Arthur spoke behind Merlin and leaned his elbow to Merlin's head. He would have told Arthur to learn some manners if Lee hadn't brightened up immediately and started to point Merlin what was made for him. So instead Merlin swatted Arthur's elbow off and gave him a grateful look.

After Merlin had gotten his plate full of roasted eggplant, soy marinated mushrooms and tofu and avocado sushi rolled in sesame seeds, Merlin started to feel like it had been worth it to come after all. After he had seated himself so he couldn't see that pool and Arthur was sitting next to him, he actually became quite engaged of a conversation with Lee, Arthur and Sonja who had joined them. it turned out Lee was very smart and even if he and Sonja had trouble to keep their hands to themselves, it didn't bother Merlin after he got used to it.

He learned that Lee was half vietnamese, from his father's side. He also learned that Lee was actually one of the best students in their school which Merlin would have deemed impossible if Arthur hadn't seemed like that was a common knowledge. Sonja on the other hand didn't seem the sharpest one out there, but she seemed warm and somehow motherly personality even if she was almost two years younger than Lee. She was hyped when Merlin told her that he loved the food, that it was the best vegan food he had ever had. The best part was that Merlin wasn't even lying, he especially loved the mushrooms and soon enough he found himself from discussing recipes with Sonja and how hard it was to find decent vegan food even from restaurants.

"Have you noticed how well Merlin gets along with girls?" Lee asked from Arthur at some point. "Don't even talk to me about it! Yes I can understand Gwen, but there is a seven years old girl living next door from us and the next thing I know she's in our living room drawing unicorns with Merlin! And then there is Vivian… I have no idea how he does that." Arthur had no problem to encourage the topic. Merlin chose not to comment on how Arthur had saved the said picture and put it in their fridge door.

"Yeah, Vivian! That must be the miracle of the year. Merlin, tell me how you put up with her? And how come his dad hasn't challenged you to a duel already?" Lee interrupted Sonja's explanation of difficulties of making vegan desserts. She didn't look too pleased. It was weird having both Arthur and Lee looking at him like they seriously wanted to know. Merlin could kind of see how they had probably spent a lot of time together in one of similar boring adult thingies like Arthur's birthday had been since their childhood, but how come neither of them saw Vivian like he did? Yes she was annoying at times and extremely stubborn and she could be bossy, but…

"She's not that bad you know. Just don't care when she's rude and actually I think she's very true to herself all the time, she can really think for herself. I'm not sure if I have ever met anyone who is so honest of what they think and feel." It was true. Merlin had never really thought about it, but there was a reason why he hung out with Vivian. She would never be his best friend, but once he had learned how she functioned, she was an interesting person who had all the confidence Merlin didn't have of herself and now he felt the need to defent her.

"So basically if she likes you, there is no problem, but if you are the 99% of the humanity, there is no way to make her tolerable?" Lee concluded and Merlin had to laugh at that. He made a mental note to call Vivian someday and ask what she had done to Arthur and Lee to make them both this sure that she was a dragon in disguise.

* * *

In the end Merlin had fun. He was pleased to notice that Lee had been right. When some of the extra energy had been lost in the pool, most of the team came to join Merlin and Arthur and they were loud, but they just had simple fun. Some drank a beer or two, but most of them had driven, so they stayed sober and nobody was more than cheerfully drunk. Oliver tried to make Merlin have a beer, but even if Merlin almost considered it, Arthur gave Oliver a look and he dropped the idea.

Still they left early. It seemed Arthur didn't want to try if Merlin would enjoy himself if they stayed late and Merlin had nothing against that. He was happy that he had been able to actually mingle with Arthur's friends, but it was also a bit draining.

"Merlin! Wait a second, I'll give you some food to take home." Lee caught Merlin just before he had found his shoes. The food had been delicious and Merlin bet Lee would be happy to tell Sonja how Merlin had wanted some to go, so he followed Lee to other side of the first floor where their kitchen was.

It was a funny setting. There was an open kitchen to a huge living room and it looked like it was there more as an decorative purpose than anything else, but behind it opened a door to a more practical looking kitchen which actually looked used.

"I used to practically live under that table when I was a kid, out maid used to sneak in some snacks." Lee said and pointed one of the counters that looked like it wasn't used much. He didn't look at Merlin's direction, but searched one of the cabins for a box. "This house… looks dead." Merlin said slowly hoping he had gotten Lee's comment right because he really didn't want to offend him and ruin what he had managed to entablish today.

To his relief, it only took a second before Lee laughed heartily. "You got that right! The moment I finish my school, I'm out of here. My parent will buy me a flat if I get average abow 9.7." he had found a plastic box and he looked at Merlin a bit timidly. It seemed he rarely talked about stuff like this and Merlin suddenly understood Lee much better. The way he appeared lazy and the way Arthur never demanded him to take better posture or pay attention, why he had never mentioned Merlin how rich his family was or how good his grades were, almost like he was ashamed of them.

"You get to decide where you will live?" Merlin asked as nonchalantly as he could. He made a note to himself to never talk about family money to Lee, in his mind he wasn't his family's asset and he would also make it known. Lee smiled at him widely "I will. I'm going to buy a place where I can hear through walls and see traffic just under my window. Maybe one of those cheap ones I will have to repair myself. In down town, it's too quiet in here." Lee explained while he opened some containers full of sushi and mushrooms for Merlin.

"Sounds noisy." Merlin commented knowing that Lee had no idea how to live in that kind of place and Lee laughed again. He really was in good spirits today. "You like more the quiet living, right? You house was nice too you know." Lee answered and gestured Merlin to take as much as he wanted. "Thanks..." Merlin said and the way Lee said it, it really felt nice. Lee had this all and he still liked Merlin's small home better. Much like Merlin liked it much better than Uther's house and it was nice to feel that he was understood in that aspect even without leaving all that had to do with Uther out.

"Just, can I ask you something?" Lee suddenly sounded very uneasy and Merlin looked up from the food. Suddenly the kitchen felt a bit smaller than it had previously felt. Lee looked even more awkward than he had sounded, but when he blurted out "Do you think Sonja would want to move with me to a place like that?" Merlin could just stare at Lee and then relax.

"I have no idea why you are asking me, but it looked like she likes you well enough." Merlin shrugged and continued on piling mushrooms in his box. "She… comes from a rich family too and his father has always doted on her. I… don't want to lose her because I want to live in a small house and ruin it by trying to do the repairing myself."

Ok this was getting very deep and very fast, but when Merlin looked at Lee, he knew he didn't really mind. It was nice that Lee wanted to hear his advice, it felt really good that he had shared this all with Merlin. "She seemed… nice and motherly. A warm personality and the whole time I talked with her she never mentioned how rich she or you are. She however did comment on how smart you are, how 'adorable' you are and how she loves how you appreciate her cooking. Have you maybe considered on asking her how she would like to live in the future?" He tried to help Lee as well as he could.

"I planned on proposing her when I graduate." Lee answered to that and Merlin emptied the spoon he had using for the mushrooms just next to his box. "You planned on proposing her without knowing if you want to live a same kind of life?" He had to ask and he realised he had no idea what kind of life Arthur would want to leave besides getting to police academy. He had just expected it to be similar of what he wanted.

Lee looked uneasy for a second there and Merlin decided to continue "Of course if you want to wonder if she will say yes _and_ if she will put a stop on your dream, then by all means." He was normally never this irritated with anyone who wasn't much more close to him than Lee and he knew it wasn't Lee that irritated him. He was irritated because he knew Arthur and unlike Lee, he never had drama about losing his girlfriend's shopping bag or not noticing she had gotten a new haircut causing a week full sulking and sentences like 'you never pay attention' or 'how can I trust you with bigger things then?'. He never snogged after a fight right next to the gym so nobody could miss it. He wasn't allowed to do that and that hurt, but also Merlin felt like he was being a hypocrite. He would follow Arthur anywhere even if he would have to give up things he wanted and he felt it very painfully right then.

"You are right, besides she already says I should speak more… I just had this picture in my head that I could propose her and then show her where we would be living together..." Lee didn't look at Merlin anymore, he sounded defeated and Merlin couldn't help but laugh a little. Lee looked at him confused. "You are a romantic! of all the things… well, just do what you will, it should be alright either way." Merlin said hoping it really would be.

Lee grinned at Merlin and then he changed the subject "If you want something else just tell me, we have a ton of food here." and Merlin smiled a bit to his container and shook his head. He felt a bit fond of the whole football team, not just Lee, all of a sudden. That Lee felt he was reliable enough to tell something this personal… it still felt weird, but it really was nice. Maybe Lance had been right after all?

Arthur looked bored out of his skull when they finally returned to the front door. Merlin tried to look sheepish, but he wasn't really sorry, so it was hard. Arthur just rolled his eyes at him and told him to move already or he would leave without him behind before opening the door and walking out as to proof what he had threatened. "You know at times like this Arthur acts like Sonja." Lee commented quietly while Merlin was trying to get his shoes on with one hand.

Merlin laughed at the comment, but when he saw Lee's expression, he almost dropped his container. Lee looked at him like he was trying to study Merlin and Merlin could very well see him looking something in a petri dish in the same manner. He started to feel panicky.

Lee broke the moment by chuckling lightly and patting Merlin on his shoulder. "You are alright Merlin. I'll tell Sonja how much food you took to go, she will be thrilled." he said before giving Merlin a wave and walking towards the stairs that led to the 'basement'. It felt… almost like Lee had told him it was alright to be with Arthur.

The world felt somehow different to Merlin when he walked towards Arthur's car. He felt a bit empty, like what he had thought he had managed to strengthen inside of himself had been proven to be very much see through, but at the same time the emptiness made him feel light and after Arthur had complained to him a while how long he had waited for him, Merlin started to feel almost kiddy. Besides, maybe Lee didn't actually know and even if he did, maybe Merlin was just a bit happy about that.

"What took you so long anyway?" Arthur finally asked and Merlin realised he had been smiling stupidly at Arthur's direction for a while by then. "Ah, Lee asked me advice about Sonja. It seems he wants to marry her." Merlin said lightly, he didn't think it was a big deal. Surely he wasn't in the list of first hundred people Lee had told what he had told to Merlin, but Arthur stopped the car when the light turned red quite suddenly and looked at Merlin wide eyed. "Lee never asks for advice. Never. And sure he is crazy about Sonja, but what?" He sounded scandalized and Merlin could just blink at him.

"Umm… really? It sounded like asking for advice to me?" Merlin tried to search for anything he could have gotten wrong while Arthur almost missed the light turning green again. "That would be the first one I have heard. But then again everybody like you for some reason and maybe you are a girl enough to ask about stuff like that." Arthur sounded grumpy and even if Merlin could have taken offence of Arthur's words, right then he just felt like ruffling his hair and calling him cute. "Are you jealous that your teammates don't consult it all with you?" He asked innocently and Arthur scoffed at him. Merlin just grinned at him wider, but when Arthur didn't seem to lighten up like he normally would if Merlin teased him like this, he looked at Arthur with more concentration.

"Sorry I made you wait..." he tried and Arthur immediately shook his head. "No, it's alright, I just- you were gone so long and I thought if I should go look for you..." he said. Merlin was going to say something about how he was fine and he trusted Arthur's friends enough, but Arthur beat him to it "I know I shouldn't act like this, I know you are not made of glass… I just got a bit irritated that's all."

Merlin could almost see gears turning in Arthur's head. He knew what Arthur was trying to say and he could see that Arthur felt he hadn't managed to explain himself. "You got worried about me..." he said softly and Arthur glanced at him looking disappointed in himself, but when he saw Merlin's smile he had to look again and this time he didn't look sure of what to feel. Merlin smiled as gently as he could and soon Arthur was smiling a bit too.

"You know you can trust your friends and I have no habit of freaking out with no reason." Merlin reassured Arthur even if he left the 'not anymore' unsaid. "Ah, um, I know. I kind of just- you remember how you could get upset and you know how they all can be very… touchy..." Arthur sounded even more unsure now.

"I pride myself for successfully making it known to everybody in your team that I want no-one close enough for their shadow to cast on my papers." Merlin said wanting to get Arthur to stop feeling uneasy. It was sweet, how he was worrying. Especially when he had not come searching for him, but had decided to trust Merlin even if he wanted to be there. "It's nice how you didn't come to save me from something as scary as extra sushi… but thanks." Merlin concluded and even if Arthur was quiet for a long while, Merlin knew it was alright. Somehow this evening had been very good in many aspects. Maybe some of it was the school ending and the Christmas coming, but there were so many amazing things in this world, wasn't there.

"I guess I have been trying to learn to help only when it's needed, not before, after and between. But at times I fear I'm not going to be there when I'm needed if I tell myself all the time I should stand back..." Arthur finally spoke when he had parked next to their home. It was now snowing lightly and the scenery looked dark, but the white dots made it all seem pretty somehow.

"Someday… I'll be able to tell you that you only need to help me when I ask for it." Merlin said quietly hoping that he could see that time to come with Arthur still by his side.

"There is no doubt in that." Arthur said before exiting the car and he was dead serious. It made Merlin feel light and happy and he didn't want nor could wipe his most sincere smile off from his face.

It wasn't even nine o'clock, but Hunith had fallen asleep sitting on their living room couch. Merlin woke her up gently and she went to sleep after she had briefly been horrified how she had just fallen asleep like that, but she had calmed down when Arthur had told her to get some sleep, she had been working too hard lately. He also assured Hunith that she would have definitely woken up soon and they were home early anyway.

When Merlin closed their door behind him, he was feeling light and he smiled at Arthur warmly, so what else was there for Arthur to do besides kiss him slowly and tenderly. There was nothing that would have bothered Merlin right then. Soon Arthur tucked his jumper, the old brown one, and Merlin let him take it off. After a while Merlin did the same to Arthur's vest and he took it off quickly. Arthur guided them to their bed and they fell on it, Arthur on top. Merlin didn't mind. He wanted more, he felt ready for more.

Arthur caressed Merlin's chest through his shirt and Merlin pulled his shirt from his pants. Arthur took this as a sign and started to open his buttons. Merlin breathed heavily as he watched Arthur open his shirt revealing more skin. When Arthur opened the last button, he just looked at Merlin for a while.

"You look amazing…" He said smiling softly and caressing Merlin's chest and stomach with his gaze. Merlin had finally reached normal weight and playing football, walking and swimming with Gwen had done wonders to his body. He wasn't thin and bony anymore. He was slender but he had some muscle on him which made Merlin himself a bit more self confident and Arthur very much turned on.

Merlin blushed at Arthur's words and let him slid his hands in Merlin's open shirt in a way that suggested that he wanted to get rid of it altogether. Merlin looked Arthur in the eye and nodded shortly, this night felt like a perfect time to go a bit further, maybe even a lot. Still when Arthur pulled him to a sitting position so he could help the shirt off, Merlin couldn't help but remember the scar. He hoped he could stay on his back so Arthur wouldn't see it. 'I'm not going to let it ruin things this time.' he thought and tried to forget the whole thing for now, but only when the shirt was gone and he could again feel the mattress under his shoulder blade did he fully focus on Arthur.

Merlin slid his hands under Arthur's shirt and one small kiss later Arthur also took his shirt off and smiled, he had gotten the message and Merlin blushed and grinned like a lunatic when Arthur lowered himself carefully to lay on top of Merlin from waist up.

Merlin hugged Arthur close and to feel his weight even more. It was a wonder how different Arthur felt on top of him than anything he had experienced. The weight was calm and warm and comfortable. Not suffocating or restricting or forceful, it wasn't there to hold him still, but to make him feel safe and wanted.

"I love you so much..." Arthur breathed next to Merlin's neck and started to kiss down towards Merlin's collarbone. Merlin moaned when Arthur moved his hand to rest on his hip and kissed his way to the other side of his neck.

Merlin hugged Arthur even closer, he needed to feel more of Arthur and he felt want and lust circle around him with no aim or clue of what to do. He was so hard it almost hurt and he couldn't concentrate on much else. That Arthur had stopped moving and had settled on drawing small circles on Merlin's side with his index finger only registered when it started to tickle.

"Arthur!" Merlin laughed and squirmed while Arthur smirked and started to run his fingers up and down Merlin's side. Merlin tried to push him off, but Arthur just kept grinning and stayed relaxed and heavy on top of Merlin. "Prat! Stop you complete clot-pole!" Merlin said loudly, but he was also laughing, so Arthur just nuzzled to Merlin's chest and let him take a hold of his hand and move it up, next to Merlin's head. He entwined his fingers with Merlin's and closed his eyes. This was bliss, in Arthur's opinion.

When Arthur stilled again, Merlin's smile faltered. He really didn't want this to end yet… Had he missed his chance when he hadn't responded to Arthur's touch? He felt disappointed in himself, why had he acted like he wanted to slow down? Ugh, this all was so confusing. It felt much like talking to Arthur when they had not still known each others. Like they had this whole new way they needed to learn to communicate and neither of them knew what the rules were.

While thinking this, Merlin started to stroke Arthur's back without even realising it himself. Arthur breathed deep and let out a content sound. Merlin blinked at the ceiling he was currently watching from behind Arthur's shoulder. Maybe he too could do something? Surely Arthur would also tell Merlin if he didn't like something, right? And so Merlin very carefully slid his hand to rest on the small of Arthur's back first and then even more carefully over Arthur's waistband and belt to Arthur's waist. He had planned on leaving his hand to feel Arthur's bottom, but it had felt too bold after all.

Arthur rose his gaze to meet Merlin's and he lifted his upper body so he could give Merlin a proper kiss. Merlin started to fiddle with the seam of Arthur's pocket and Arthur smiled at him before letting their noses touch.

"If you want, I can take them off..." He said slowly and Merlin heard every syllable roll on Arthur's tongue. His mouth fell slightly open and it took awhile for him to understand what Arthur had just offered. When he did, his face and neck and lower body heated up in a rush. Arthur kept their noses touching and he looked at Merlin with calm concentration. Merlin had no idea of how he could do that. If he had asked something like that and Arthur had made him wait even half of the time Merlin had needed for his brain to catch up, he would surely have said that it was nothing, moved further and yelled inside of his head what a mistake he had made.

"Yes..." Merlin answered for he had needed to tell Arthur something and the word 'yes' had just come out of his mouth. Even when Arthur smiled at him and kissed his nose before lifting himself in order to open his belt, Merlin had no idea if he wanted this or not.

However, when Arthur opened his belt and zipper, Merlin felt a completely new feeling. He felt power over Arthur and momentarily he felt in charge, in control before it all dissolved and Merlin just felt sick. Had that really been him? Were those kind of feelings really inside of him? Were these kind of feelings a part of sex and such? If yes, Merlin didn't want this after all, but what was this? Why now? Every other time it hadn't been like this, so why was he like- like _Uther_ now?

Arthur had focused on pulling one of his trouser legs over his foot and he didn't look at Merlin who could now see how hard he was inside a pair of red boxers and couldn't even appreciate it. He couldn't move and he couldn't breath, but when he became aware that he wasn't hard himself anymore, a wave of relief washed right through him. He wasn't like Uther, he wouldn't hurt Arthur like he had learned to connect to this kind of humiliation. He didn't get his kicks from humiliating Arthur. Humiliation… that was it. Taking his pants off had been always in order to humiliate him and Uther had always been in power when… But Merlin hadn't wanted to- and he wasn't hard even if he had felt… That must mean that he's different from Uther, right?

When Arthur managed to get out of his trousers without rising fully so he could stay close to Merlin, he looked at Merlin and smiled before Merlin's expression sank in. His smile fell and he rushed to rather sit next to Merlin than leaning on him and asked very much worried "Merlin? What's wrong?" He rose his hand to reach to caress Merlin's face, but he pulled his hand back half way there. He didn't know what to do.

Merlin shook his head and he let in a shaky breath. "No, I'm sorry, I-" he sobbed and he felt water run down on sides of his face. Oh God he hated when something like this happened. This was what was humiliating, not Arthur stripping, he was gorgeous, so why Merlin had thought it had been? It shouldn't, right? Arthur had volunteered himself and asked Merlin if he wanted it. Merlin had no power over Arthur and he didn't even want to have! What was wrong with him? A very familiar darkness spread inside of him and it hurt. It would have been nothing half a year ago, but now it felt sharp and disgusting and strange. He hadn't even realised how far he had come from that completely dead state he had been living for years, until now.

"Merlin… What's wrong? Can I do something?" Arthur repeated when Merlin didn't answer. He shook his head again and rubbed his eyes with his wrists. His chest felt cold now that Arthur wasn't warming it anymore and he realised he was shivering.

Arthur moved very slowly to take his blanket from underneath himself and covered Merlin carefully with it. It helped with the cold, but now it felt like he was farther away from Arthur and Merlin couldn't take that. He pushed the blanket away and hugged Arthur's waist burying his face to Arthur's stomach. It was a desperate move and Merlin did kind of realise that he was very close to Arthur's now also soft member, but he didn't care. It wasn't scary, it shouldn't have been scary from the beginning, it was just Arthur.

Arthur started to slowly massage the base of Merlin's skull and eventually Merlin relaxed. His head slowly slid to lay on Arthur's lap and his eyes dried soon after. "Why did you offer?" Merlin asked quietly and Arthur's fingers faltered before he started to stroke Merlin's hair instead. "I thought you would have liked it and… maybe I hoped that you would feel that you could do it too… I wanted… to get closer to you..." Arthur seemed to think of his every word carefully and his tone was quiet and full of emotions that made Merlin feel sad and angry at Uther for messing his head up like this. He didn't want to do this to Arthur.

Still, Arthur had used words 'like', 'hoped', 'wanted'... It felt reassuring. Arthur had wanted to get his clothes off, so Merlin hadn't forced him to do anything. He again rubbed his eyes. It all sounded so tempting. Arthur would have hugged him with just boxers on, he would have let Merlin look and feel and he would have maybe asked if Merlin could take his clothes off too. Not told or ordered, but asked and Merlin could almost see how happy Arthur would have looked if Merlin had done that. He would have liked that. If only he could just enjoy what he wanted deep inside of his mind where he had locked it all such a long time ago…

"I- I like it. I want to see you like this more often." Merlin forced what he really wanted out of his mouth and for a moment he felt like he could still inhale them back, he had used that much pressure to get them out, but when Arthur's hand stilled, it felt that the words had just flown out of Merlin's reach and control for ever.

"Really? Merlin I- you can have me like this anytime you want, anytime! I don't mind. I mean… I want you to see me as much as you want, I hoped you have liked what you saw..." Arthur sounded hopeful and he was rambling until he started to sound unsure. Merlin tried to see what was it in Arthur's words that was so hard for him to understand and apparently he took too long just staring at Arthur's face, because he asked "Was it too much after all?"

Merlin shook his head. He wasn't sure what would be too much for in him. There was this desire to have and give everything, but at the same time showing any of that outside of his mind and turn it into words or actions felt impossible, scary, uncomfortable and dirty.

Arthur kept looking at him worriedly and he asked "Then… what happened?". Merlin was quite sure he didn't have to answer if he didn't want to, but he felt he owed an explanation to Arthur anyway. "I- it felt like I forced you to do something embarrassing… like I was humiliating you and I don't- I can't do that to you." He rushed out of his mouth and buried his head to Arthur's hip when his words started to brake on the edges. He swallowed back tears. he didn't want Arthur see him crying again.

"You didn't make me do anything, Love. And maybe if you had pointed and laughed, that would have felt humiliating, but the way you looked at my chest when I took my shirt off made me just proud and want to take everything off for you." Arthur said and Merlin blushed furiously at the thought of 'everything'. Something in that locked up place told him that he would very much want to see Arthur naked... maybe if he could see it without Arthur noticing him looking?

Merlin looked up when Arthur cupped his cheek and touched his lips softly with his thumb. "I'm not embarrassed if it's for you." Arthur said firmly and Merlin could just nod. It was… such a different thing, for Arthur to strip than what Merlin had experienced. It was true, it wasn't the act of taking clothes of that made one have power and one lose his humanity, but how and why it had been done. Everything else too. Had Merlin been lying on Uther's barely clothed lap like this, he would have been fearing the worst to come and feeling like puking. Had he been forced to sleep in a same bad with him, Merlin would probably stopped sleeping altogether, but now he was comfortable on Arthur's lap and sleeping next to him was often the best part of his day.

"You are right, of course. I- this is stupid. This is not what I wanted, I wanted to- to do more tonight and not turn into a pathetic mess..." Merlin felt frustrated with himself and he wished they could start again, but he knew it wasn't possible and even if it was, he felt drained of energy.

"We are in no hurry, we can try again later, some other day. And besides, we did do more, didn't we?" Arthur asked gently and Merlin could hear smile in his voice. He really didn't know how he had been so fortunate to have someone as amazing as Arthur return to his feelings, he really didn't, but he felt so grateful of that.

"But I just told you how I'm not panicking for no reason anymore… and the evening was so perfect and now I've ruined it… " Merlin still felt bad and angry at himself, but Arthur just shushed at him. "Shhh, Love, you didn't 'ruin' anything. I had a great evening too and it's still great. Besides, I don't care what day it is if I get to be with you tomorrow too."

Merlin blinked at Arthur's words. They too, were just so perfect. How did Arthur have energy to reassure him all the time? How he never seemed to get fed up with Merlin even when he was like this? Even when he screamed and woke him up in the middle of a night because he was afraid that random things that weren't even real. Even when he always asked Arthur to be what he wanted even if he himself didn't know what he wanted. Basically he was worse that those girlfriends who demanded their boyfriends to read their minds. Why on earth he had questioned anything Lee had planned on doing? It wasn't like he didn't have ten times worse problems to saddle Arthur with than Sonja ever could burden Lee or vice versa.

"What do you say… do you want to go to sleep? I could sleep like this you know?" Arthur continued his tone teasing and his face open and relaxed and Merlin could do nothing else, but strengthen his hug on Arthur's waist and nod against it.

Merlin fell asleep in Arthur's arms. Against the bare chest of the one person he loved like this, feeling it in his every fiber how Arthur was almost naked just behind the thin blanket Arthur used nowadays. When the morning came, Merlin snuggled as close to Arthur as possible and pretended to be asleep as long as he could. When Arthur 'woke' him up with a kiss, Merlin kissed hm back. He would have more of this with Arthur. He would find it in himself to untangle what he had puckered into a deep corner of his mind. He would not let that mess prevent him from belonging to Arthur. Arthur, who wouldn't want to own him, but take care of him and cherish him, like he was doing now and had done a long time.

* * *

A/N Hello! So, as I said in last note, this was supposed to be the last chapter. Because there was interest for me to continue on and some very nice words and great thoughts, I have started to write stuff for maybe 2-3 chapters. I'm not sure yet. Because of that I have moved some stuff that would have been implicated in this chapter and left to your imagination, to the next chapters. Because of that, this chapter doesn't seem like an ending anymore. Just so you don't find it weird that I said this was supposed to be the ending and now it is clearly not anything like a proper ending... I'm babling, I have been staying up too late...

Thank you, all of you, for reading and for reviewing! Seriously, in my head, I have already finnished this story, but to get what I have thought to words and a complete story, is not that easy. Especially in english, but because I see someone have read what I have written, I get reviews and I have even gotten some very nice private messages... This really is nice. I think I will start to write another story after this one is finished. And another after that. I think I'm hooked :D

Greedy Reader Oh, you have had noro too! I hear you bro, it was not fun. And I suspected as much, that it was your experience, but i didn't want to ask straight... hard to know how much people want to shere like this and yeah, but thank you for tellimng me your story, I'm always interested to hear other people's stories. Haha, the way you compared Merlin to a little bird ... :D Altough in the end I got a feeling that you don't like birds very much... :P

mersan123 Hi! So nice to hear you enjoyed that chapter chopped in three parts, I liked very much your description of how brave Merlin has been and how kind Arthur has been, it was very nicely put :) Also having Gwen and Lance remind Merlin what a relationship can be, does him good I guess, now he doesn't have to guess. He has never seen his mother and father set him a role model and most of his other friends don't either date or are not that close, so with Gwen and Lance he can actually talk about these kind of things too. Loved your review, thank you! :)

Angel Dove1 Glad you liked Arthur's and Merlin's getting to same page, I kind of continued it in this chapter now that I'm continuing :P Somehow when I let myself have more space to write I had a ton of new ideas... So maybe this story has yet to tell me its ready, as you said :) Ah, in this chapter I also went there to show how still one kiss and cuddle doesn't earse those years of abuse... originaly I really had just a collection of people and things and feelings coming together, while showing there are still problems and a long way ahead, but well, now that I have space... You are in for more Merlin communicates with Arthur moments :P Thank you again for your very encouraging and kind words, this week has been hell.

Insanereviewer Hello! So nice to see you again :) I bet you are busy with your teaching and I complitely understand, don't feel pressure or oblicaton to review, just do it if you feel like it. Anytime and as long or short as you want. even if I finish this story, I'll reply to the chapter's A/N of the chapter you reviewed, so dodn't stress about that either :) Thank you so much for taking time to tell me I will at least have one reader who wants more :) I will do my best to get what I'm now planning done well and you just gave me a lot of motivation to try my best. You are awesome, take care!

Guest Thank you for encouraging me! I will write more :)

Kao I so understand the tablet bit, I hate writing with one of those things! Thank you for worring about me, it's nice to hear you care :) I am also in the middle of working and school and by God life can get busy when it wants to! Glad you liked the Lance scene and the merthur, it will just increse till the end :P Ah, why Merlin didn't talk with Gaius, well, parents and parental figures are at least to me the people I hope I never ever have to talk about insecurities about my bodyly functions... Besides Freya had already once been very kind and understanding and she's a nurse so... To me at least it seemed easier choise. You are right, when a fic drags, it looses something, it's good to know when it's good to end, but I have to confess that I'm not abowe dragging this fic a bit... I trust that you will give me comments and constructive critic if you feel that I don't know to where end this story :) Hope you are not too busy and hope to see you again!


	48. Chapter 48 - Making Christmas

The morning of Christmas eve was beautiful. The weather was cold and crisp and the sun had decided to show itself making everything look brighter and somehow more storybook like. During the night some snow had fallen and Merlin loved it even if it was wet and the thin layer that covered everything had already been broken by dark footprints where the early dog walker who lived just few houses down the street had jogged at seven o'clock like she always did. When Merlin leaned to their window shelf, he couldn't help but feel that even the weather looked like Christmas.

He felt it in his every bone, it was his favourite holiday. He could smell the food his mother had ever only made for Christmas, he could feel it in the air and he could see it around him. This Christmas was going to be like Christmas was supposed to be. Merlin just knew it.

"The weather looks nice..." Arthur had also woken up and he was currently looking out of the window from behind Merlin's shoulder. "It's perfect." Merlin answered and didn't turn. Arthur was only wearing his boxers and Merlin didn't want to get distracted from his Christmas mood. Not even to oggle at Arthur. Especially not to oggle at Arthur who had started to sleep without pyjama altogether and actually spend most of the time in mornings and evenings like that in their room. Alright Merlin did like it, seeing Arthur act naturally only in his briefs made Merlin also get used to the fact that being naked (or almost at least) wasn't that big of a deal, but the way Arthur made a point of it… Merlin just wasn't going to pay any attention to Arthur right now, he had a Christmas to enjoy.

"Could I get my first Christmas kiss?" Arthur asked innocently and rested his chin on Merlin's shoulder. There was a small pause when Merlin tried to think for a reason to stay stubborn, but yeah, there wasn't one.

Arthur kissed him as soon as he turned his head and in seconds Merlin felt that this had actually always been a part of his perfect Christmas, he just hadn't known it until now. Arthur's lips were soft and the way he moved them to caress his bottom lip made Merlin's head feel light. Arthur cupped Merlin's cheek and his hand was so very warm. The cool air that hung next to the window started to feel warmer and if something could beat the smell of oranges and cinnamon, it was the soft smell of Arthur's bare skin.

Arthur ended the kiss softly and hugged Merlin close. He wasn't as hyped as Merlin, but he felt calm and serene in a way he didn't remember ever being. Celebrating Christmas itself held very little meaning to him, he would have been very happy just to spend time in close proximity from Merlin, but it seemed to him that Merlin was very keen on showing him how Christmas was supposed to be celebrated, so he would happily do that.

it was way later than usual when Merlin went downstairs to collect some breakfast to eat. He knew his mother's Christmas eve routines and one of them was that the kitchen was so full that eating in bed was more mandatory than recommendable. Merlin nicked what he knew he liked while his mother tried to protect what she could from her son. Arthur didn't quite get this ritual, but he didn't complain when Merlin returned to sit under the same blanket with him and shared a plate full of meatballs, stuffed mushrooms, cheese and freshly baked bread.

After a very long and cuddly breakfast Merlin told Arthur he was going to call to Gwen and Vivian and Will to wish them merry Christmas and from that Arthur got an idea to call to Morgana. It was the first sign of Arthur really getting to holiday spirit and Merlin truly hoped that Morgana would answer, but after Gwen had already answered and told Merlin how her morning had gone, it was obvious Morgana wasn't picking up and Arthur settled on talking with Gwen together with Merlin. They put a speaker on and soon after Lance also joined the conversation. It was great even if Merlin felt a bit embarrassed of this level of openness as a couple. Even if Arthur didn't actually say anything too couple-like, Merlin still felt he was sharing too much, but after the call ended, it actually felt nice and Merlin could honestly say his day was getting better and better.

Until Arthur told he was going to run a bit. It wasn't that Merlin couldn't enjoy the morning with his mother too and he was about to call to Vivian anyway, but Merlin saw it in Arthur's eyes that he was feeling a bit hurt that his sister hadn't answered and that was the reason he needed some fresh air for. That… made Merlin sad. He hoped Morgana would have enough sense to call her brother back. He was quite sure he didn't like Morgana that much.

Vivian was like she always was. While talking to her Merlin focused on searching for the qualities he had listed to Lee and it was nice, to remember why he had actually hung out with this girl for more than two years. Vivian had some (a lot) family coming over and to Merlin it sounded like Vivian was actually quite an easy person to be around compared to them.

"And I swear if I have to listen one more comment of how I'm a 'pretty doll', I'm going to test if the police nowadays can solve a murder in a locked room." Vivian gave Merlin her worst after she had apparently locked herself to their attic. She sounded nothing like a pretty doll.

"Umm, couldn't you just tell your aunt to stop doing that?" Merlin had to ask, it wasn't like Vivian was known of her takt. "I wish I could! But father has told me to be ' _polite_ ' to them." Vivian moaned and she sounded a lot like 'being polite' was the worst possible thing to be forced to do. "Alright… " Merlin had a very hard time trying to image Vivian being polite to anyone. Possibly not mean or slightly more agreeable, but really, truly polite? Surely not…

"Yes! Imagine me, _me_ going around with 'Oh your dress sure looks pretty aunt Prudence, I can see your tailors talent!' or maybe 'Yes, uncle George, that is truly fascinating, but I'll go and not trouble my _pretty little head_ with it, as you said.' or how could I forget 'Thank you _so much_ grandmother dear for reminding me that if I keep talking this much, I will _never_ get married, you are such a delight!' Argh! I'm going to be crazy soon! Can't you come and take them all off my case? They would all be so shocked of what you wear that they would forget that I exist..." Vivian rambled on her tone changing from pretentious to murderous and Merlin had to admire the change of tone Vivian could muster. She didn't even sound the same person.

"Thanks… but if this is your 'polite'..." Merlin felt just a tiniest bit of hurt for his choice of clothing, he had been a lot worse a year ago in his own opinion. "I don't need to be polite to _you_ _._ Besides I don't care what you wear, they do." That might have been a compliment and the way Vivian sounded made Merlin almost wish he could invite Vivian over to escape whatever she was dealing with at the moment. "Like you don't have to be polite to Arthur or Lee? They are almost afraid of you, you know?" he continued instead hoping to get Vivian to cheer up at least. It was, fun to talk with Vivian nowadays, it really was.

"Lee's family are of _new_ money and I never got along with Arthur. He never paid any attention to me when we were kids." Vivian said with a scoff and Merlin was in a loss of words. The way Vivian said 'new money' sounded like an insult (much more normal tone for Vivian) and that she didn't like Arthur because he had never paid attention to her? Had she tried to get Arthur's attention once? That was very, very hard to imagine.

"He has eaten with us every other day the whole year you know." Merlin tried, but Vivian sounded uninterested "Oh, has he?" and Merlin felt like laughing out loud. Just when he had thought he understood this girl even a little bit. "Besides, he's not eating with _us_ , he's eating with _you_ _._ " Vivian continued unexpectedly catching Merlin by surprise. "Anyway, you should come and visit someday, preferably before my grandmother leaves." Vivian continued again sounding like she was listening the conversation she was part of.

"So she can think you are about to marry? No thank you, your father will kill me." Merlin said and shuddered. "Oh for God's sake Merlin you have to stop listening to Arthur! It was once my father threatened him and even that was a mistake! I hope I don't have to repeat myself, but my father knows you are dating!" Vivian sounded frustrated and Merlin made a note of one more thing he knew about Vivian: she didn't like repeating or telling things she found obvious. Even if the rest of the humanity didn't find her logic even followable.

"...Alright..." Merlin managed to say. He distantly remembered that lie from a year ago. "But only if you get the permission from your father!" he continued as soon as his brain caught up. He would not find himself from a situation where he would have to explain to Vivian's father (who knew Uther and was for that reason twice as scary as he should be) why he was standing on their doorsteps.

"Of course. I'll text you the date!" Vivian sounded now happy, but Merlin still risked to ruin it "Or you could call me and ask if the date is alright for me." To his surprise Vivian seemed to cheer up even more. "Then you promise to answer your phone! I will get back to you, now I have old bats to entertain!" she said and hung up before Merlin managed to wish her merry Christmas.

After that calling to Will was easy and unstressful. He was full of the same kind of holiday spirit than Merlin and it didn't take long for Merlin to get back to his hype that he had forgotten while he had been confused by Vivian. Comparing the food, the presents they (Will) hoped to get and how much snow had piled to their home village made Merlin so carefree that when Will told he had a chance to come and visit during New Year's, Merlin just said 'sure!' and told him to call when he knew when he would come. Only after the call had ended, Merlin realised what inviting his old friend to visit could mean.

While Merlin was talking with his mother about Will coming for a visit, Arthur returned from his jog. His cheeks were pink from the cold and he was in so high spirits that Merlin felt his worry dim. It wasn't a long discussion after that. Arthur was alright with Merlin's long time friend coming over, Hunith was excited about seeing Will after such a long time and Merlin started to forget what he had gotten so worked up with, it was just Will.

"I'll try to call Morgana again." Arthur said when the conversation turned to one between Merlin and Hunith remembering people from their village and how they all were nowadays. Arthur had talked only once with Morgana after he had gotten back to school, but it had been alright so Arthur hoped his sister would be at least a bit happy even if he didn't have a present for her (since he didn't have Morgana's address).

Morgana didn't answer this time either. Arthur sighed and wondered a while if he should call third time later, maybe after lunch or something, but he wasn't sure if he should bother Morgana when she clearly wasn't answering. He didn't even know if Morgana didn't answer to him because she was busy, or because she didn't want to talk with him.

Arthur was still sitting on their couch when Merlin closed the door of their room. "Did she answer?" he asked and Arthur shook his head before placing his phone down and sighing again. "Maybe she's busy..." Merlin tried to help Arthur believe to the reason he hoped was true. "Yeah, maybe. Did you already make your calls?" He said feeling a bit disappointed, but changing the subject. He wasn't going to ruin his Christmas that had Merlin in it, Gwaine coming to visit and enough delicious food to feed him twice for a week, if he could deduce anything from the amount of food Hunith had been carrying home.

"Yep. Oh! Did you get a text from Finna and Tilly too?" Merlin asked and Arthur showed him a text with a picture of deers and a sledge in it with a text 'The best of Holidays! -Finna and Tilly'. Merlin grinned and showed a very similar text with candles in front of a window with snow piled on the rim. Arthur chuckled. He didn't feel such a connection to either of the social workers like Merlin did, but it was still a nice feeling to be remembered. Especially since the text wasn't just a copy-paste for everyone they knew like he had first thought.

"By the way, what did you do to Vivian to make her father angry at you?" Merlin asked after he had properly leaned to Arthur's side. Arthur grimaced and he said with a long suffering tone "Ugh, don't remind me of that..." but that of course just made Merlin even more curious and after he had leaned even further and blinked at him couple of times Arthur sighed. "Alright… it was one of Oliver's parent's garden parties, they had those a lot when we were still kids and they have this big garden so of course we played football, Oliver had just joined the team, and I ran backwards to Vivian who started to cry."

Merlin leaned even closer to Arthur, practically sticking his nose to Arthur's chin, this seemed like an interesting story. "I thought she was hurt so I tried to help her, but at that point she started to kick and scream and the next thing I knew her father is shaking me and yelling at me. I was twelve and even if he's not that big of a guy, he was very scary back then so you can wipe that stupid grin off your face." Arthur finished his story and Merlin tried not to laugh, until he remembered that he had promised to go and visit Vivian's home during holidays.

After he had told that to Arthur, he seemed to think carefully. "I would say I'll come with you, but I think Olaf will be more relaxed if I'm not there… He's actually quite a relaxed person if you stay on the good side of his daughter… but not too good." Arthur advised him and Merlin tried to think if he had ever made Vivian that angry… At least she had never tried to kick him. And there was no way in universe he would get 'too close' to her.

"Why was Vivian crying? Was she hurt?" He had to ask even if he most definitely wouldn't risk of being too close to Vivian much less so close he could possibly make her fall. "It turned out, I ruined her favourite dress. She likes you and that what matters to Olaf." Arthur said very seriously, but he didn't seem at all worried, so Merlin didn't feel like he should worry either, at least not before he was actually going, so he laughed.

"You can laugh all you want, Vivian has been a total nightmare since, you stay clear of her wardrobe!" Arthur joked and Merlin laughed even harder. He could imagine Arthur's horror when Vivian's father who Merlin had only seen once had come running for his daughter and only afterwards it had turned out to be a bit of mud on a dress. Serious business, that had been.

"Does your mother need help by the way?" Arthur asked when Merlin had calmed down and settled on leaning on Arthur again. "Nah, we would only be on her way, she has a system." Merlin said lightly and suddenly Arthur knew why Merlin worked as he did in football.

"System you say… So that would leave us some time until two o'clock when Gwaine comes. What do you normally do while waiting for… who ever visited you back then?" Arthur asked and Merlin seemed to think. "Usually I would have read a book until we would pack everything and go to Will's. Now that you mention it, this is a bit confusing. At the same time some of it is the same, but it's not really… I don't know… what do you want to do?"

"I could just stay here with you." Arthur said and reached for Merlin. "Yeah, but what do you want to do?" Merlin asked even when Arthur pulled him down to lie on the couch on top of him. "Just here, with you..." Arthur whispered to Merlin's ear and wrapped his arms around Merlin's waist while Merlin smiled to Arthur's neck.

They were still laying on the couch, Merlin on top, Arthur's hand inside of Merlin's shirt and Merlin kissing Arthur's neck when the doorbell rang. They both looked up immediately to see the clock and they both felt irritated when they noticed that it was only half past one.

"Can't Gwaine be the type to be late like he's supposed to be?" Arthur grumbled and Merlin laughed at him. Soon they heard Hunith call from downstairs to come down. Merlin tucked his shirt back to his trousers and Arthur speed changed his running clothes to jeans and a clean t-shirt before going out of their room. They didn't say anything, but they both hoped they would continue this later.

To Merlin's surprise it wasn't only Gwaine but also Percy in the doorway. Merlin rolled his eyes at them "It's no wonder people mistake you for a couple. Percy, I'm so sorry whatever you have had to go through because of Gwaine." Hunith looked confused and Arthur immediately knew that she had thought that Percy and Gwaine were a couple. That was a bit weird feeling for him because he had never even thought that would be the case. Gwaine laughed and Percy sighed. It didn't need a genius to tell that this was not the first time that this had happened and that only made Arthur even more confused.

"Not my fault this time. Percy here wanted to see you." Gwaine said laughing and Merlin grinned at him. Gwaine had three gift bags with him and he handed them to each of them still grinning like a lunatic. To Merlin Gwaine winked and Merlin knew to be cautious when he opened his bag. When he looked inside, it took awhile to get what he was actually seeing, but when he did, he almost dropped the bag and he closed it as soon as humanly possible. There might have been something else too, but Merlin could only see an image of a can of beer tied with an enormous red bow, condoms and lube inside the bag. Gwaine grinned at him with his full face and Merlin would have kicked him if that wouldn't have drawn attention to him and to the contents of the bag.

Arthur had gotten one of Gwaine's old books from his academy days and a gift card to go and try a shooting range. He was currently talking it out with Percy who had promised to take Arthur and even if Hunith looked a bit sceptic of the thought of actual firearms, Merlin could tell she was warming to the idea when Percy told about how the shooting range really was and Arthur was just hyped.

Hunith had gotten some quality chocolate and a hand knitted scarf Gwaine told a grandma, who sold him vegetables in the marketplace he shopped for his store, had knitted it. Merlin managed to dodge the question of what he had gotten by offering to take Arthur's gift upstairs and walking out of the room as calmly as he could. He didn't return downstairs before he had hidden his gift bag as deep into their closet as he could.

He wanted to tell himself that he would destroy everything in it, but when he was standing alone in their closet, Merlin could admit that he was a bit excited. It would be horribly embarrassing if Arthur or anybody else found this kind of items from him, but he could fantasise right? That someday he and Arthur could use things like this. And at least if that ever happened, now he wouldn't need to go and buy them himself.

Merlin returned downstairs just to hear his mother ask "So are you also spending your Christmas with your family, Percy?" while offering him a piece of her fruit cake. "No, ma'am, I'll be staying with Gwaine's family. My parent died when I was young." Hunith was sorry to hear this and she told him how she could understand very well, but Percy didn't seem to mind. Of course it was hard to read his expressions at a time like this so Merlin relied more to Gwaine's expression which told him that it had been a long time already but that Percy still liked to have a place to spend his holidays. Merlin understood this. Losing a parent was kind of a theme in this family and the thought wasn't foreign to any of them.

Too soon Gwaine and Percy left and Merlin wished they could all be a big family, that they could have big parties, noise, lots of gifts and traditions, but when Gwaine's last words before he closed the door behind him were 'see you on New Year's!' Merlin realised that his birthday party could be just that. It suddenly didn't feel such a bad idea to have close to everyone he knew invading their home.

It didn't take long for Gaius to arrive and the four of them had so much fun that Merlin felt like nothing bad had never happened. The three of them beat Arthur so badly in a game of scrabble that Arthur challenged them to a football match right then making them all laugh. In the end Gaius won, but not by much. Merlin told him he would catch up with him soon enough which Gaius brushed of with that Merlin had just had luck with his letters and that he had just been nice accepting 'ZAP' as a word. They ate well and over it and the night culminated in the eggnog Hunith had made. She even let Arthur and Merlin have half a mug.

After that they decided to open some presents. Gaius gave Merlin a wooden edition of scrabble which Merlin instantly loved (the one he owned was so very, very old and worn) For Arthur he gave a pass for two to come and try horse riding and Arthur beamed to the old man. He had been wanting to try since Merlin had told him of Gaius' hobby. Gaius and Merlin had gotten Hunith a pass to all of the city museums and art galleries that was valid for the whole next year and a promise that they all (Arthur had been made to participate) would go together wherever Hunith wanted them to take. Arthur had bought her the prettiest silver necklace with a lace like design Merlin had ever seen. Hunith was almost moved to tears.

For Arthur Merlin had bought new running shoes. His old ones had seen better days and Merlin had listened more than once how they didn't really fit anymore. It had been of course next to impossible to buy shoes for someone else, but Merlin had asked Lance to help and the store he had bought the shoes from, accepter returns in exchange of similar product, so basically Arthur could try the shoes and if he needed a different size, they could go and change.

Arthur instantly loved his new shoes and it just happened that they were the right size. Merlin muttered something about thanking Lance too, but Arthur didn't care and just gave Merlin a kiss on his cheek making him blush and Hunith and Gaius smile. It was the first time they had seen Arthur kiss Merlin.

Hunith had gotten them some gift cards to go to movies and to a nice cafe and hand knitted sweaters. (Those were not so secret because she couldn't have possibly made them without Merlin and Arthur seeing her at it, but it didn't make the gift any less appreciated) Arthur's was red and Merlin's was green. Merlin loved it. His mother had made him one every year when they had still lived in the small village and those had kept Merlin warm through the winters. Now he felt the same warm but inside. He hugged his mother who seemed pleased of his reaction.

Finally it was time for Arthur to give his present to Merlin. It was just an envelope and Merlin looked at it curiously. He didn't recognise the logo printed on it. "You'll have to open it to know what's inside." Arthur sounded a bit awkward and Merlin opened the envelope feeling his mother's and Gaius' eyes on him. It was a gift card to have a tattoo made and Merlin looked at Arthur like he didn't get it.

"It's for your shoulder… She told me she could tattoo over a scar…" When Merlin understood this he broke into a smile. He hated that scar and Arthur had noticed it. He had found a way for Merlin to get rid of it. Merlin looked at the gift card and he really felt it, he could get rid of what he had thought would mark him for life.

"Thank you…" He said trying to get all of his feelings to his thanks while trying not to cry. Arthur beamed at him now looking very much pleased with himself. "You will need your mother's permission until you are 18…The permission form is inside the envelope."

Merlin turned to look at his mother automatically, but she was just smiling. "It's alright. Just choose carefully what kind of tattoo you'd like. It will stay with you the rest of your life." Merlin beamed at her and hugged both Arthur and his mother. Gaius had to laugh at this. Just smiling didn't feel enough for him. He was that happy.

It was late when Gaius told them it was time for him to leave. Arthur offered to drive him home, but Gaius told them it was better for him to walk a bit compared to letting a teenager who had had some eggnog to drive him. Arthur pointed out that it had been at least three hours since that but Gaius was firm on his decision. "Walking is good for my hips, you will understand when you are at my age."

Soon after that he left and Hunith asked if he would like to come and eat dinner with them tomorrow (there was plenty of food left) and Gaius told them he would. Merlin was happier than he remembered ever being. This was how Christmas was supposed to be like and when Arthur pulled him to his side by placing his hand around Merlin's shoulder, Merlin felt it even stronger. Gaius waved at them and then the door closed. Hunith smiled them and told them to go to sleep and Merry Christmas. She hugged them both and told them how fortunate she was to have them both.

Merlin felt a bit wistful when he closed the door of their room. Like he was leaving the perfect Christmas behind the door. It had truly been everything he had missed for last years and more. Merlin could remember so clearly what he had felt and how he had been this exact same day a year ago and the contrast was just enormous. Just thinking how back then he hadn't even known Gaius or Gwaine and how Arthur had still been his unrequited love for whom he had not even dared to buy a gift…

Arthur had walked next to their couch and was currently taking his sweater off, it was warmer in the second floor compared to their living room. In many other days Merlin would have just watched how the hem of Arthur's t-shirt rose with the sweater briefly and when Arthur would turn to look at him, Merlin would have already been looking elsewhere, but not today. Today Merlin went and hugged Arthur from behind, his arms around his waist, partly inside his shirt.

Arthur dropped the sweater to the couch and hummed in approval when Merlin buried his nose to his neck. "I love you" Merlin had to tell and Arthur replied easily "I love you too." Merlin could hear him smile even his eyes closed and he smiled against Arthur's neck. He let his hands wander a bit towards Arthur's chest and he knew he wanted more.

"I want you…" was a simple sentence, but confessing that meant so much for Merlin. He laid himself to a very vulnerable state where he let his mind very open for Arthur to mold. Where a word could make him sure that this was the right way to go or make him believe in hiding it all forever was essential, like he had been taught to do with the cruelest of methods. Saying those words felt scary and liberating at the same time and for a moment there Merlin could just trust Arthur.

Arthur had been relaxed before, but still, Merlin could feel how something in Arthur gave. He breathed, almost panted out his reply "I want you too." and Merlin could just hug him stronger. This was so important to him that he wasn't sure if he could ever express it, but he kissed Arthur's neck firmly and mouthed a small 'thank you' in Arthur's hair. Uther may have made him believe in some things and maybe the world even was so, but with Arthur, in their room, Merlin had found one more thing he could be without needing to be scared. He could be what he was, with Arthur, even in this.

When Arthur turned his neck, Merlin did the only sensible thing and kissed him. With need, with passion and with gratitude. Today, right now, Merlin would give into those things he had feared were wrong and he would not let his insecurities stop him. He would look at Arthur and he would trust in his reactions.

Arthur turned around slowly and wrapped Merlin into a loose hug. It was easier that way and Arthur took everything he could from their kisses. He kissed first Merlin's upper and then lower lip. He licked them softly and then sucked lightly. His tongue asked a permission to enter and Merlin let it happen. The way Arthur's tongue moved against his felt incredible, even if in the end Arthur couldn't have possibly thrusted his tongue further into Merlin's mouth, Merlin still felt he wanted to feel it more until Arthur sucked lightly on Merlin's tongue. Merlin moaned and licked Arthur's tongue losing all sense of awkwardness. It must not have been perfect, but every feel of inside of Arthur's mouth, the taste and the way they were breathing the same air was firmly stored in Merlin's memory and he wished he could recall everything as long as he lived.

His hands must have gone slack at some point for he had no memory of moving them, but when Arthur gave the most satisfied moan, Merlin realised that his hands had slipped past Arthur's waistline and were currently resting where his belt was. Merlin had wanted to feel it for so long, so he let his hands drop even further and eventually, he felt Arthur's bottom under his hands. It was perfect like Merlin had known it would be, even through jeans, but Merlin wanted to feel it more so he hooked his index fingers gently under Arthur's belt and pulled him forward.

Arthur followed Merlin's lead and he pressed himself fully against Merlin. Merlin could now feel Arthur's arousal even through his jeans. It was glorious, how it felt against Merlin who just then realised he himself also had a hard on. Of course he had, but he really hadn't spared a thought to it until now.

"Could we… try this without jeans?" Arthur's question surprised Merlin, but as soon as he got over that, he felt that he definitely wanted to try that. Especially now that Arthur had asked. That meant he wanted it too and now Merlin didn't need to voice that desire. Still, he swallowed hard. His throat felt dry and even if he wanted to say 'yes' he could only nod against Arthur's shoulder. It was stupid how hard saying things out loud could feel.

Arthur breathed out in relief and he hanged himself to Merlin's neck. Had Arthur felt it difficult to ask that from Merlin? That felt a bit… Merlin didn't want Arthur to stress on anything that had to do with him. He could ask all he wanted and Merlin would never hold it against him, surely Arthur knew that? He kissed Arthur's neck softly in attempt of telling that to him and then, very slowly, he let his hands wander to Arthur's belt buckle.

It was weird, but Merlin felt in control and it didn't feel anymore like it had felt just days ago. That he was in control didn't seem to mean that Arthur wasn't and that made the whole difference. The part of Merlin's mind that had learned to see the world as Uther had made it for him, told Merlin that it was not possible that they both were in charge at the same time, but he wanted to believe on what he felt right now strongly enough to kill that line of thought. As with many things, Merlin hoped Arthur would show him which part of his mind was right.

Arthur was too close to him for Merlin to open his belt, so he slowly tucked Arthur by his belt loops a bit further. Arthur took a small step back reluctantly, keeping his head against Merlin's shoulder, but when Merlin managed to open his belt clumsily (or so Merlin felt) he sighed contently and when Merlin started to open his zipper, he visibly shivered and his breath became hot against Merlin's neck. It was a bit funny, how strongly Arthur reacted now. He had spend a lot of time just in his boxers last couple of days and he had never had any insecurities (in Merlin's point of view) about his almost nude body. He wasn't like Merlin who avoided even short sleeved shirts when possible. Could he really be this affected because of Merlin? Because he was so close? Or because he was the one opening Arthur's jeans? That felt like a dream even if Merlin had hard time believing in what he clearly saw and heard.

Very slowly Merlin tugged Arthur's jeans a bit more open and trailed the rim of Arthur's boxers. He had a black pair today and that would have done things for Merlin even if Arthur hadn't chosen that moment to moan to Merlin's chest. At that moment Merlin felt lust cloud his thoughts and he gave up the control he had felt, suddenly he didn't need it anymore. He just wanted to get lost in Arthur the same way Arthur seemed to be lost in him. There was no need to think every move anymore, there was no need to think and analyze his every feeling, for right now he just really, truly wanted and needed Arthur.

Merlin slid his hands to inside Arthur's jeans to feel his bottom more clearly and it really was everything Merlin had thought it would be. It was firm and round and when Merlin squeezed it lightly, Arthur moaned out Merlin's name and started to kiss his neck before sliding his hands under Merlin's sweater and shirt. The cares on Merlin's back felt warm and Arthur's strong arms were just perfect. Merlin wanted to somehow make him know that he wanted him to hug him closer, with more strength, but he couldn't even think of words much less say them out loud, so he just pressed Arthur closer to his body and groaned to Arthur's hair.

He sneaked his hand under Arthur's shirt and tugged it. He knew that by doing that he would need to let go of Arthur for a while so he could pull his shirt off, but he still felt the loss of contact when Arthur pulled back to do just that. When he was shirtless, Arthur reached for Merlin's sweater and Merlin let him take it off. He still kept his button up shirt for it wouldn't have come off anyway, but also because he really wanted to feel Arthur open the buttons again, like he did as soon as Merlin hugged him close again. Arthur left his arms in between them and caressed the exposed skin at the same space he opened the buttons.

The couch was right there, but Merlin wanted to move this to the bed, so he started to back towards it slowly and again looping his fingers to Arthur's jeans belt loops and pulled him to follow him. Getting to lie down on the said furniture was a bit awkward, but they managed after Arthur had gotten rid of his jeans. He seemed happy when he leaned on Merlin and kissed him slowly, like savoring every moment. It all felt so perfect and when Arthur started to open Merlin's buttons, he understood what Arthur had meant by telling he had wanted to get naked for Merlin.

Arthur kept looking at every bit of exposed skin with care and passion. Everything was clearly visible in his eyes and his expression showed it all. Merlin couldn't do that, he would have felt too vulnerable, but he loved how Arthur did that, how he kept telling patiently how much he liked and what. With words and actions. Merlin could just wish he would be able to be as honest someday. Because that was what it was, honesty. Merlin regretted how dishonest he had been with Arthur for most of the time they had known each others, but still, he could just hug Arthur and nuzzle to his neck when he told how happy he was to see Merlin like this, how good he felt and how Merlin had nothing to be ashamed of, how he loved him.

Only when Arthur reached for Merlin's belt and looked at his eyes silently asking if this was alright, Merlin managed to speak. "Please…" he just said and Arthur blushed and smiled before kissing him and opening Merlin's belt with care and more grace (in Merlin's opinion) than Merlin would have ever managed. Merlin had again wanted to say 'yes'. Not 'please'. That sounded in his own ears needy and embarrassing, but when Arthur didn't comment on it, Merlin hoped to just forget the whole thing, how awkward could he get…

Arthur looked at Merlin with awe when he had opened the zipper of Merlin's jeans. "You have no idea how good you look right now…" he said and blushed and then grinned at him with that stupid grin Merlin found so very endearing. Merlin smiled back at him and Arthur looked at him fondly before hugging him close, covering him with his body and turning them both to their sides. Merlin hadn't had anything against their previous position, but being on his side felt even better. It was new and it was exciting and it was equal and that was very nice. The balance Merlin had about being in control or not needing the feel of control was very delicate. It was a very thin surface and it reminded Merlin of the water skippers he had observed from a pier in the lake nearby their old home. Just like he had wondered if they could suddenly drown, Merlin knew he could very easily lose his feeling of security in seconds.

Getting his jeans off wasn't easy while lying down. The amount of wiggling that was needed couldn't have been attractive on any level, but Arthur still seemed to enjoy himself. The way he followed Merlin's movements and the way he smiled softly all the time and breathed evenly, but somehow with concentration made Merlin feel reassured, but still… thoughts started to nag in the corners of his mind and even if Arthur looked like Merlin had felt a while ago, like he was too far gone to think really, Merlin couldn't get into that state of mind anymore.

The way Arthur's gaze ran up and down of his form was flattering and gave very much peace to those thoughts that had asked if Arthur could really be into men, but at the same time Merlin found himself get distracted on thinking of how this was really the first time Arthur had seen him wearing this little since Uther's house and if he didn't count on those two times Arthur had seen him showering, even that had been years. Somehow, that felt quite unnecessary now. Merlin had gotten used on swimming with just his trunks on weekly basis in front of Gwen, total strangers and even Lance, but he still showered while Arthur was downstairs. Why? He didn't know anymore, maybe it was a habit? From his or Arthur's side, he wasn't sure.

Merlin followed Arthur's movements absentmindedly until Arthur's gaze lingered on Merlin's tight. Arthur followed the scar on Merlin's tight slowly with his thumb and Merlin frowned. He hated that scar and he absolutely didn't want Arthur to see it, but he could do nothing while Arthur seemed to grow sad. Merlin didn't want him to feel sad about some stupidity he had done in his darkest moments, so Merlin cupped Arthur's face and guided him to look him in the eyes. Like that, he could clearly see Arthur's sadness and regret and for a second he let himself mirror that before he closed his eyes and kissed Arthur first with a hint of desperation and then with passion.

Arthur followed his lead and started to pull Merlin's shirt off gently. It was the last piece of clothing safe their briefs and Merlin did want it off, but the very familiar need to cover his shoulder made itself present so he rolled to lie on his back again. He would have preferred being on his side, but he promised to himself that once his scar would be covered, he would get used on showing his back to Arthur, he really would.

When the shirt was gone, Arthur covered Merlin with his body. It felt just so many things at the same time. Arthur was warm and gentle. He wasn't forceful and he didn't push Merlin to any direction. That all Merlin had known already, but he still noticed it every time. But what was new, was Arthur fully against him and while Merlin had known it would feel different and he had wanted it, he had not imagined how good it would really be.

The bare skin against bare skin felt incredible. It wasn't just the sexual way that made Merlin focus on Arthur entirely. It wasn't just the way Arthur's arousal was almost rubbing against his, or how Merlin could feel Arthur's nipples against his chest or how Arthur's lips traced his collarbone, but how Arthur's toes tried to tangle with his and how Arthur's knee bumped into his tight and how he felt the body hair Arthur had in his legs and up till his navel against his, if not hairless then maybe little bit smoother skin. It was all bliss. Merlin wondered briefly if Arthur would ever grow a beard and how that would feel, but it was forgotten when Arthur hugged him and wrapped his legs gently around Merlin's leg. Like this, under Arthur's wider shoulders and covered by him, Merlin felt smaller, but safe. Even if he was still taller than Arthur.

Merlin could have stopped then, he was content and he felt good, but Arthur chose that moment to look at him and run fingers through his hair. "You feel so good..." Arthur murmured his eyes telling Merlin how precious he was. There was a wave of love in Merlin's heart and he wanted to do something for Arthur.

"I- how would you feel if I… touched you?" was out of his mouth before he could really think. Arthur's mouth fell slightly open and Merlin could see how his eyes got darker as his pupils dilated. He had only seen this look once before, but now he could truly say he loved to see Arthur get affected like this. He… could do it couldn't he? If Arthur wanted his touch like this, it wouldn't be bad to want to do it either, right? And even if he couldn't touch himself, he could touch Arthur, maybe…?

Merlin licked his lips a bit nervously and smiled a bit shaky smile while Arthur seemed to watch him very much focused. It could have been a bit irritating, but right now Merlin was so near of the edge of his very small comfort zone, that he was very thankful of that. Arthur would notice if it was too much for him and he would surely stop him from continuing if that happened, wouldn't he?

With one deep breath Merlin decided that he would trust on Arthur and before he could over think it, he started to move his hand towards Arthur's crotch. His hand was shaking slightly, but when his hand hovered just next to the not at all subtle bulge, Merlin had to admit that it was mostly because of the excitement of actually doing this, he would get to touch Arthur in the most intimate way and he could make Arthur feel good. And when he looked Arthur in the eye, Merlin felt his own balance. He himself felt good, not just mentally, but his body had definitely taken interest too. He could do this, he really could. He hadn't been damaged beyond repair after all.

"You don't have to if- oh!" Arthur started very gently, but Merlin wasn't going to listen to that now, so he cut Arthur off by running his fingers across Arthur's whole length. It felt so hard and it twitched on Merlin's touch very tellingly and Merlin had to smile a little. It was like he had never touched anyone else's prick, in a way he hadn't, he decided firmly. Not like this, with his own space and time, with honesty. A thought of what Uther had felt when he had been touched threatened to form in Merlin's brain, but he pushed that away and focused on present. There would sure be a nightmare or a meltdown in closet corner in the future over the theme, but not now, just not now.

Arthur started to caress Merlin's face and he snapped his eyes to Arthur's. He was looking at Merlin with concern. No, that wouldn't do. Merlin was not ready to stop, he wasn't ready to try and make himself ok with a thought he really didn't want to even form and he so wasn't ready to go to sleep either. His heart was racing and when he nuzzled his cheek against Arthur's hand, he felt he needed more of Arthur, just Arthur, so he pulled Arthur to a one armed hug before guiding him to a position that was easier for him to do what he hoped would make Arthur forget the worry they both shared, but very differently.

Wrapping his fingers around Arthur's clothed erection wasn't something Merlin had ever done and it was a bit harder than he had thought, but it felt right, easier and the way Arthur moaned against his chest couldn't be mistaken. It encouraged Merlin and soon he found what he could do to make Arthur look at him with wonder and pant his name and wrap his legs around Merlin's. That Arthur was squeezing himself so tightly against and around Merlin didn't exactly help with the whole touching-thing, but it was just what Merlin had wanted.

Arthur tried to slowly move his hand in between them too, but Merlin gently changed his position so he was also wrapping his legs around Arthur's leg that was in between his legs already and Arthur got the hint. Not today, yet. Besides… the friction that Arthur's leg gave him, the closeness, the way Arthur sounded and looked was very much enough to get Merlin closer of orgasm than he had been maybe ever. It was not just the physical touch, but everything. He felt high and aroused in every sense of the word and when he kissed Arthur, he knew he was close too. This and wanking didn't even compare.

"Merlin… Merlin… it feels incredible..." Arthur whispered to Merlin's neck when he had broken their kiss to get more air to his lungs. It was easy to believe Arthur now and Merlin hugged Arthur even tighter and nodded to his neck. He wanted to be honest too, so he closed his eyes and said slowly with an uncharacteristically deep voice "Me too… I feel it too, I- I'm close." He breathed the last part out feeling almost scared of what he had said and he almost had time to take real fright when Arthur tensed at his words, until just a second later Merlin felt Arthur's boxers getting damp. Arthur had climaxed and that was maybe the hottest thing Merlin had ever experienced.

Arthur went slack in his arms and Merlin breathed shallow breaths as his whole body felt like it had been filled with electricity. His heart was beating so hard it almost hurt and Merlin wanted to say something, anything to tell Arthur how unbelievably beautiful he looked right then, how much Merlin loved him and if he cried a little, it was just because he couldn't squeeze Arthur close enough to calm his racing heart, but then the smell hit him.

It shouldn't have been a surprise that semen smelled about exactly the same was it from Uther or Arthur or himself, but honestly it smelled horrid. The smell pulled Merlin out from his comfort zone and shattered whatever balance he had had previously. It pulled Merlin to his memories and even if he knew where he was, what had happened and how much he wanted to stay like he was, partly under Arthur, he felt ghosts from the past overlapping with the present.

He felt a pressure on his throat, he felt like someone was choking him. He tasted Uther in his mouth and he gagged involuntarily causing Arthur to snap his head to look at him with extreme worry. Merlin tried to shake his head and he closed his eyes and he pulled Arthur nearer and buried his nose into Arthur's hair in attempt of not smelling anymore, but it was too late. He felt his strength leave his limbs and he started to shiver. He even felt cold edges against his wrists and when Arthur tried to ask what was wrong or if he could do something, Merlin could just whimper.

"Merlin!" Arthur started to sound desperate and he tried to move, but Merlin was still hanging onto him and probably clinging onto him too hard, but his muscles were too tense to try and let go. But Merlin had to explain somehow and for that he had to breath in. It was a wrong move, breathing in meant more of that smell and Merlin felt his nausea rise its head.

"It's the smell" he managed to blurt out with hoarse voice, but that was enough for Arthur who immediately untangled himself from Merlin's death grip with one effective move and stepped out of the bed. In Merlin's disoriented mind he momentarily felt hurt and he didn't understand why Arthur was doing this to him, he felt cold and the loss of the contact felt unnecessary cruel, but as soon as Arthur opened their window and the cool winter hit his nostrils, Merlin felt his thoughts focus and he felt stupid. Yeah, way to go, gling to the source of the smell and refuse to let go.

"I'll take a shower..." Arthur said quietly when he was convinced enough that Merlin was going to be alright for a while, but Merlin could hear from his tone that he would not let Merlin alone with this and right then, Merlin could just feel very, very grateful about that.

Once Arthur had closed their bathroom door, Merlin curled into a ball. The overlapping had started to dim and Merlin was relieved when his nausea started to settle, he really didn't want to end his Christmas eve by vomiting.

It took a while of thinking about nothing, a sweet blankness that Merlin knew would end soon enough and yes, just when a thin layer of cold sweat on his skin started to cool, anger started to creep from the edges of Merlin's consciousness. For the first time he was truly angry at Uther from his own behalf.

'I'll teach you not to whore yourself around' Merlin could hear the words loud and clear and he yelled inside of his head 'Fuck him!'. He was so mad and while he fisted the blanket underneath him, Merlin truly hoped that horrible things were happening to Uther in prison. That someone there would teach him what it meant to be raped. He wanted Uther out of his head, he wanted those memories out and he wanted Uther to suffer for them, but after he had sobbed few times and his fingers started to cramp from the force he used to grip his blanket, the anger started to drain and when it left Merlin and transformed to be just a hum in some corner of his mind, he just felt empty. So empty.

He had a lot of darkness inside of him that originated from Uther and he hadn't even thought how much comfort it had bought to him to blame it on him, but this anger and a honest wish of revenge had been his own and that felt awful. This was just not right.

The window was still open and Merlin knew he should have felt cold, but he felt uncomfortably hot. He heard the running water stop and he sobben for the last time. He needed a shower too and some time alone, so when Arthur exited the bathroom looking anxious and worried and tired, Merlin passed him as quickly as possible. Arthur smelled very strongly of their soap and just when Merlin closed the door behind him, he felt an amused smile brake his features. 'Oh Arthur...' he thought and shook his head. He was so grateful of him.

The hot water did wonders. It made Merlin feel cleaner like it had never done last years. The knowledge that he had just broken one of his habits, Arthur was in their room after all, made him feel a bit better and he could even find himself thinking back on his Christmas. It had been a perfect day. Everyone had been so perfect and how he had made Arthur come… that was precious. He just wished he could not be this pathetic. That he could for once let everyone feel that he was worth of all this.

He turned the water off just when he was sure that Arthur would come to check if he had drowned any second. He dried himself with care and as slowly as he could and even then he had already hung his towel to dry when it hit him. He hadn't taken his pyjama with him. That was one thing he hadn't worried so much lately. He knew Arthur wouldn't come to their room when he showered, so he could just wrap himself in his towel and change in their closet.

Merlin wrapped himself to his towel again and very carefully opened the door and peaked in their room. Arthur was lying on their bed, face down looking exhausted and wearing his pyjama pants. Merlin felt a small bang in his heart, Arthur had gone back on wearing his pyjama pants surely because of what had happened. He also didn't like to see Arthur looking like this, but maybe he could sneak to their closet without Arthur noticing? But as soon as Merlin took one step out of the bathroom, Arthur turned his face and looked straight at Merlin.

Merlin yelped and quickly retired to the bathroom and closed the door so only his nose was left outside. He was blushing furiously even if he was more covered now than previously. "Umm… could you give me my pyjama?" He asked timidly after he found his voice again.

Arthur nodded and dragged himself up with a bit sad sounding "sure". Merlin wanted to get into his pyjama and out of the bathroom to give Arthur a hug. He needed the comfort, but he wanted to give Arthur comfort more and the seconds Arthur took in their closet seemed to drag.

When Merlin had snatched the pyjama Arthur offered him (the purple one) and managed to get it on, he almost flew out of the bathroom. Arthur was now sitting on the edge of their bed, waiting for him and Merlin wasted no time to drop to sit next to him and hug him warmly. Arthur rested his chin on Merlin's shoulder and now, if something, Merlin needed to be completely honest.

They spend the time Merlin needed to tell Arthur how much he had enjoyed himself, how much he loved Arthur and how any of well, anything really wasn't Arthur's fault. How Merlin hadn't wanted this night to end this way and how sorry he was that Arthur always had to put up with him and Arthur listened. He listened until Merlin stopped talking and as always, he told Merlin he had nothing to apologise, that he understood now better and that they would just have to try again some other day when Merlin would feel like it.

That Arthur said they would try again was what made Merlin feel relieved and happy. Arthur had really understood what Merlin had meant better than Merlin himself when he had told Arthur not to treat him like a charity case. That Arthur trusted he had not been traumatised, made Merlin believe in himself too.

Arthur had wrapped a blanket around Merlin's shoulders when he had started to feel cold, but the open window was still getting a bit much and after Merlin had managed to joke about Arthur trying to freeze him, they started to find their rhythm. It seemed that this evening was still salvageable.

Soon Merlin wanted nothing more that to take Arthur in his arms and bury him under the same blanket with him. Preferably the thick one Arthur called too hot and Merlin loved. Unlike in countless similar occasions, this time Merlin did what he wanted and even if Arthur half heartedly protested when Merlin pulled his blanket on top of him too, he seemed pleasantly surprised and Merlin chuckled at him lightly.

Arthur rested heavily on Merlin's chest and after what seemed like a small pause for weighting opinions, Arthur lifted his leg in between Merlin's and wrapped his legs around Merlin's right leg. It felt just very nice. Arthur was warm and firm and smelled like soap and Merlin loved him so much.

"I am so glad I have my own blanket nowadays… " Arthur mumbled, but made no other movement, but snuggled a bit closer to Merlin who smiled at him fondly. "It's not my fault I like to stay warm. You on the other hand are just weird. How can anyone survive in this temperature with no blanket or even full pyjama?" He asked feeling content and amused and more sleepy as the warmth that Arthur radiated started to reach even his fingers and toes.

"You are the weird one" Arthur mumbled affectionately and for once Merlin didn't mind someone other than Will calling him weird. Arthur said it with the same tone he usually told he liked something or other about Merlin.

Arthur shifted a bit and Merlin started to see some sweat forming to his brow so he lifted the blanket so it didn't cover all of Arthur who sighed contently. He had his eyes closed and Merlin took his time to examine everything on Arthur's face. He trailed the shape of Arthur's lips with his gaze and slowly stroked Arthur's temples with his fingers. Arthur smiled at him, his eyes still closed. Would he fall asleep soon? Merlin wondered until his thoughts turned to his again stiffening state. Arthur opened his eyes lazily and Merlin blushed like a tomato. There was no way Arthur hadn't felt that, his leg was on top of it!

"Uh, I- um..." Merlin felt a need to explain, but what was there to say? Arthur just chuckled at him with good humour and kissed his nose lovingly. "Don't worry about it, I'm like that every other night but tonight. Always when I'm close to you." Arthur said while he lied back down on Merlin's chest.

It took a moment for Merlin to understand what he had just heard, but when he did, he felt hopeful. "Really?" he asked eager to know for sure and when Arthur nodded against his chest, Merlin almost laughed out loud. That was… truly something he had wanted more reassurance that one female nurse, however good one, could give him.

Arthur really was perfect for him and with this ending for his favourite day of the year he could really live. He closed his eyes and enjoyed this calm and content feeling that swirled inside of him only to be mixed with that sweet feeling of slowly falling towards sleep.

He was just getting to that blissful state where dreams would soon start to mix with reality when Arthur's voice dragged him back to being more awake than asleep. "Merlin?" He asked and Merlin made a 'hmmph?' sound just to tell him he was listening.

"Who's gonna shut the lights?"

* * *

A/N Can anyone tell that I love Christmas? I mean I was being 'so subtle'... :P I wish it was Christmas already... My exam week is ending, but I still have two deadlines to meet and wow has this period blown to my face. I'm quite sure I have used at least half of the time I should have been studying to work and about one third to write this story, so it shouldn't be a surprice that I haven't gotten anything done in time... But after next week, I have new period starting and I can again push some work forward to finish this story :P Hopefully I'll get this ready before half of the period is gone so I can feel relaxed because I have finished what I started and then I can write my next story in my own pace and again publish when I'm almost done with it. I would like to say I learned something from this story and I woud write the next one ready before publishing, but I have bettered this story so much because of your feedback, that I really don't want to do that.

By the way, this tattoo over a scar -thing is very real. There is even at least one project called A Pele da Flor. It's a project of a tattoo artist called Flavia Carvalho, who does tattoos free of charge to victims of domestic violence. She turns hideous scars that remind victims of their abuse and she turns them to beautiful images. I think she is a hero and I love how she can help so many with her chosen profession. It feels to me, that one can actually help to build a better world by doing what they do well. Donating money for a cause or going ot politics or joining red cross are not the only ways if we keep our minds open and think if we can do something to those who are close to us.

And again, huge thank you for those who reviewed, I really need feedback from now on, because I'm letting all my 'I so want this to happen' thoughts I had while I wrote the Uther-part of the story and I fear I might get a bit carried away...

mersan123 Hi! Yep, welcome to the real world indeed! With no Uther, the world is quite a lot wider and more complicated place and even if its better in many aspects, for Arthur it is still a bit scary and frustrating even if he doesn't want to say it out loud (who would say 'I was more comfortable when I knew what I was supposed to do under the dicipline of my abusive father'?) And Merlin does have a sweet hear, doesn't he? I thought it while I watched the show too, he lost many friends and even a woman he loved and he never even explained it to Arthur and he still kept his heart loyal... Oh, great you enjoyed the party scene because it was a total impulse on my part. I have had 95% of the scenes in this story planned out for a long time before I very logically made decisions if they should be in the story or not. That scene... I wrote it straight to the story and just left it there. I was a bit nervous about it to be honest. Thatnk you again for your comment, it's so lovely how you leave them every time :)

Greedy Reader Hi! Everything, right now, is exams and school work and work... blah. I should have finnished this story during summer when I still only had to work... Next year I'm going to be smarter! Ah, I kind of quessed you also compared Merlin to a bird because of his name, I actually thought of it too when I made the 'personal hawk' -thing. I used hawk because I think it's an idiom and I tried falcon, but it sounded more like a somenone who gets you your stuff or something like that, so I went with the hawk... I remember when I first saw a seagul leave its nice 'present' and I have been cautious for those for years, but I have never seen any other bird so that. Exept on cars. Park a black car under a tree and that's it for the clean car... Alright, that was an interesting topic :D Hope you are doing well too, see you soon!

Angel Dove1 Oh thank you so much! :) I do like to use those small references to the original show, so it's great when someone notices them and likes them. Their relationship is truly changing now, they are finding their balance and their hold on life outside of their relationship too. It's not very ideal situation where their only good moments of day are getting to sleep... Yeah, Merlin is getting more 'careless' which is good, he's not so afraid all the time so his guard is slipping. Especially at home. And Arthur's friends are dence :P Not that it would have been my first thought of that my football captain was gay with someone everyone knew he was close with, but also half-brother with. Sharing a room when still living home so didn't mean dating back then... And even if I happened to suspect something like that, I so wouldn't have said anything. Teenage insecurities aside, I think it would cause some serious conflcts if I quessed wrong. Some could really get discusted and angry with me... and for a reason. I have this very close friend and I have been asked if I have a thing going on with them and umm... I'm in a relationship and I'm not sure if I'm more disturbed of the thought of being with my friend like that or offended that at least some of those people think I would cheat on my partner... That is... I don't like it. Alright, that was a lot of unnecessary information... Moving on. Yep, Lee is one odd ball, he is, like Merlin quessed, a romantic. If he could, he would build his own house to countryside and Sonja would make apple pies from their own apples and their children would be happy and run barefeet... His family is strict on appearance and they like to show they have money and because of that, he has been invited to 'play dates' and parties because his parents are rich. Besides that he has had a lonely childhood because his parents are always working. I'm glad you liked him :) Now that I'm continuing, I have more time to develope some others in the team too.

Guest Awesome, I have sketches for all of that. Altought Seeing Uther is in my epilogue material and is brief because I got so fed up with writing about him at some point... But I'll keep your comment in mind and maybe I will write the epilogue at some point of time :) Thank you for your comment!

Kao Yep, I'd vote for the God who promised me nine days a week, thirtysix ours a day and seventeen months a year. Seriously, where am I supposed to find time for all this work and sleep and eating at the same time? Just asking... Ah, so I misunderstood...It's not easy to have a conversation like this :P I kind of have thought that Merlin has talked with Gaius too, but I wanted to write a Lance scene so... In his situation I would have talked to about everyone I trust enough. So great you liked the merthur bit, I have more in store ;) And yeah, you have been waiting long... I might have pushed some scenes a bit further when I decided to prolong this fic :P But we will get it all and more, I promise! :) Thanks for taking time from your busy schedule for me!


	49. Chapter 49 - Will

The morning of Christmas Day was nice and quiet. Gaius came to eat as he had promised and they had good time. Merlin was relaxed and to Arthur it seemed that even if last night hadn't been perfect, his boyfriend was now well. Merlin even took a hold Arthur's hand while they were sitting next to each others in the living room couch after lunch. The life was good.

Hunith smiled at them fondly when she saw this and while Gaius said nothing, Arthur saw him look at them amused. It was one thing to hear your close ones to tell you dating someone of the same sex was alright and another when they really showed their acceptance by acting normally around you when seeing it with their own eyes. Arthur could imagine them acting the same if instead of Merlin he had a girlfriend whose hand he was holding. It was truly marvelous.

It was only after Gaius had left when Arthur first looked at his phone. Merin had just curled himself to living room couch with a book when Arthur came almost running down. Morgana had called him back. Actually she had called yesterday about when they had been drinking their eggnog. Morgana had never called back and Arthur ranted on how it was possible he had missed the call while Merlin tried to think if he should tell it was great or if he should point out that it was just normal for someone to call back if they hadn't answered two calls in a row. Of course he went with the first opinion, but when Arthur returned to their room to make the call, Merlin wondered if he should talk with Arthur about his relationship with his sister. It couldn't be good if it stayed like this for much longer.

Arthur's hand felt sweaty when he pushed the button to call Morgana back. He hoped Morgana would answer. Why hadn't he noticed before? He could have still called back in the evening and if he had just taken his phone when he had changed his clothes yesterday… But he had no more time to think of that when Morgana actually did answer.

"Arthur, is everything alright?" Was the greeting he got and for a moment there Arthur was at loss of what to say. "Um, yes, everything's alright… why?" He asked feeling confused and surprised how his sister sounded. Like she had been worried.

"Oh! That's good… It's just, you called twice yesterday..." Morgana sounded a bit awkward and Arthur got even more confused. Alright they hadn't called to each others in years much less because of a holiday, but surely Morgana had guessed why he had tried to call on Christmas eve?

"Umm, I just called to wish you merry Christmas." he said honestly and hoped Morgana wouldn't think he had bothered her for no reason. "Last time you called twice you were sick." Morgana sounded like she was defending herself and now Arthur started to feel a bit happy. Morgana _had_ been worried of him…

"Actually I called you before I got sick, I wanted to ask an advice..." He confessed hoping to get to a bit more personal topics with Morgana unlike most of the times they had talked.

There was a short pause, but when Morgana spoke, she sounded surprised, but pleased too "An advice? For what?" Arthur smiled a bit, but then regretted he couldn't remember what exactly he had wanted to ask at the time. "I think I got it already..." He said trying to think of something else to ask or say.

"Oh." Morgana almost sounded disappointed before she seemingly collected herself and said with a tone Arthur had called 'high and mighty' when they had been children "Well, it that is so, then good. I guess we will talk again later." but Arthur wasn't ready to end this call so he said louder than he had planned "Morgana! I- um, how is your Christmas so far?" that came out sounding a bit desperate and 'lame', as Morgana would have told him when she had been already a big girl of ten years and Arthur had still been just an five years old kid.

"I have attended a party with my friends. Nothing special." Morgana answered not kindly, but at least she answered. "Do you have snow there? We only have a thin layer, but it's supposed to snow more tomorrow." Arthur tried neutral topics even if that really wasn't what he wanted to talk with his sister, but even a little was better than nothing he supposed.

"It all melts here, I live in the central and the sea is too near. It's warmer here anyway." Morgana answered neutrally and Arthur relaxed a little. "You used to like snow." He said and when Morgana answered "I still do" without a pause, Arthur smiled. He suddenly remembered how he had wanted to ask about his mother.

"Morgana, how was mother when you were sick? Did she stay home with you?" He said without thinking and he felt his eyes widen. Had he really just blurted that out? Talking with Morgana was stressful as it was and Arthur had no idea of what to expect, so when Morgana spoke again after a pause so long Arthur had already checked if Morgana had hung up, and didn't sound like she would eat him as breakfast if she ever got her hands on him, Arthur almost missed the answer, he was that relieved.

"… She did. The last time I was sick I had chicken pox and she couldn't come to the same room because she was due… I… remember that I thought you were in the way because normally she would sing me to get me to sleep and we would watch cartoons in master bedroom and… she made me hot milk." She sounded quiet, somehow fragile and Arthur felt the same kind of protective instinct he felt towards Merlin when he sounded like that.

"You don't drink milk..." was what he could answer to that. Morgana had always hated milk. "Not after you were born." Morgana answered, but there was no resentment, it was just a fact. She sounded sad. "I never knew..." he said with regret. "I never told you." Morgana answered sounding distant and Arthur got a feeling that they needed to talk. Not about the milk obviously and not like this on the phone, but face to face, like he had done with Merlin.

"I have Christmas holidays until eighth of january..." he said and waited. Was that enough? Would Morgana invite him to visit her? Or maybe she could come and visit them? He would like to show Morgana how he lived nowadays and maybe impress her a bit with his football trophies and Merlin… he wanted to show Morgana how incredible Merlin was and how well he was doing.

"My university starts a week later..." Morgana answered sounding like she didn't get the way Arthur was moving from a subject to another. "Would you like to visit us someday then? I'm sure Hunith would welcome you any time." he said really meaning it, but it seemed to be a mistake.

"That is great. But I have no time to travel around. Actually, I'm a bit busy right now, so I will expect to hear from you on New Year's." she said with a voice turned to ice and every intention of ending the call. Great, just great.

"I'm not busy, so if it would be better, I could drive there." Arthur tried to save the situation and he waited patiently, his heart pounding in his ears until Morgana answered "I'll think about if. I'll call you if I have the time for you."

It was mean and her tone wasn't pleasant, but Arthur breathed out in relief. Maybe there was a chance after all. "Thank you. Have a nice holiday, sis." He said softly feeling the old way of addressing Morgana roll comfortably in his mouth. "...Merry Christmas, Arthur." Morgana answered before hanging up.

Arthur smiled at the phone. Morgana had never called him anything else than Arthur, only in the court she had called him 'brother' and maybe few times at phone and that had always sounded like an insult. And Morgana had almost demanded a call in New years, so maybe he would have a chance to make her feel like it would be nice to meet him.

* * *

After the Christmas day they had few days just to relax at home, in theory anyway. Arthur had so many invitations to go to do or visit something or other from practically every member of his team and in the end Merlin practically forced him to pick one and go. Going to try inside beach volley with seven others including Jordan, Oliver and Elyan had been fun and the hall filled with sand and walls painted with palm trees and sea and all that had been great fun. Having a coke while Oliver and Elyan bought long island ice teas and the others whatever from a 'beach bar' that also had sand floor was also fun, but getting home and finding Merlin sobbing hysterically from their closet had not been.

A friends of Hunith had lost her dog to pancreatic cancer and Hunith had gotten so very emotional about it that Arthur had actually asked Merlin if her parents had died because of cancer to which Merlin had told him that no, her grandmother had gotten a sepsis and she had seeked help too late while his grandfather had never gotten over it and it hadn't even been an year before he 'got into an accident' as his mother said, but that he wasn't sure if that was really true.

Lee had sended a message to Merlin asking for suggestions for a present for New Year's for Sonja because apparently he had blown it at Christmas. Merlin had practically thrown his arms in the air and asked from Arthur how the hell he should know? When Merlin had (after muttering and pacing around) sended a message, asked Sonja's number and started to talk to her about recipes with an overly cheerful tone, Arthur decided it was the time to get out of there.

Running could help him just so much and in the end he found himself from Gaius' living room drinking tea. Gaius was happy to converse about future and recent news and what he had read from the book Gwaine had given him and it had been truly nice. It was clear to Arthur that Gaius wasn't his friend, he was too old and wise to be that, he was more like something Arthur still couldn't find the word for, but with Gaius he didn't feel the need to stand tall and be the one to think everything in advance. He could just be and talk about what he found interesting and Gaius would listen and give him advice and decide for him when it was time to go. That gave Arthur strength and a feeling that he had other places he could love than home. It wasn't that he had gotten fed up of his home, but the change of environment was refreshing once in awhile.

The day before Merlin's birthday Gwen came to help Merlin with decorations. Arthur stayed out of it because the two of them seemed to have a lot of fun. If Arthur had felt momentarily lonely watching a movie Lee had lent to him in their room, it was worth it hundred times when Merlin and Gwen came to drag him to see what they had done to the living room with a set of matching smiles on their faces.

Arthur had seen many decorations in rented party spaces and in houses before, but the way Merlin and Gwen had moved every furniture against walls, put paper lanterns stuffed with fairy lights around the room and moved everything that could even possibly break out of the way made the small room surprisingly spacey and Arthur immediately started to look forward of filling it with friends. He had to hug the both of them and he promised to 'hire' Gwen to decorate whatever party he would have in the future too earning a kick from Merlin. He couldn't wait tomorrow to come.

The morning of the New Year's Eve was cold and there was more snow falling from the sky. Hunith had woken up early to cook and she seemed much better. Merlin started by checking the guest list (yes, he had made a guest list) and that everything from emptied entrance to a sign in a nearby tree to point at their door was ready. He took it to himself to answer all the texts that asked where a car could be parked and what time it was again and Arthur could just watch amazed how concentrated his boyfriend could get. He was happy and somehow in between everything, he had gotten the rest he had needed. He just hadn't realised it before the first guests had gotten in and started to compliment the food and the decor. He knew that at least half of it was politeness that he too had been hammered to be, most of the football team had seen much more money and professionalism thrown to arrange a party, but it didn't matter. Arthur was proud of his home.

This was going to be great, Arthur had never been able to invite this many friends over and now that he looked at their small living room, it felt just silly. Not even sad, silly.

"Will just called, he's in the bus." Merlin commented when he passed Arthur and Arthur nodded. This was the comment one thousand and ten about Will in the last few days. If Arthur had started to feel that his holiday had actually been great so far, this was the one thing Arthur was really getting tired of hearing about.

Merlin had started by telling him about random things he and Will had done ages ago, then he had moved to being worried of what he could do here with Will and finally to how would Will see him now and what he should tell him. It had taken one extremely long rant of where Will should sleep and if he should be let into their room at all to make Arthur finally snap that if Merlin's friend, who didn't sound stupid, was going to spend two nights under their roof, he was most probably going to notice they shared a bed.

Merlin had fallen silent on that and Arthur had immediately started to reassure him that it would be alright and he could sleep downstairs, hell, he could even go and buy them a second bed if Merlin wanted, but at that point Merlin had sat down next to him and sighed in defeat.

"No… When you asked me if I wanted to be your boyfriend it felt… like the best thing that could ever happen in my life. If I keep hiding that from my friends, it's pointless." he had said and Arthur had felt a pang of guilt in his heart. That was very true, but still… he hadn't told most of his friends. Merlin's friends knew and Elyan knew, even if no-one had told him, he had just assumed and he had let Arthur know once they had went to a mall to browse some movies and games. But his team… Arthur wanted to tell them, but how? Really how did one tell that they were dating someone everyone thought was their brother? Especially if the said 'brother' would probably freak out if he as much as suggested it.

"Just... could you just keep you pyjama on while he's here?" Merin's question had brought Arthur back to the present. "Love, I'm not usually naked in the presence of people I hardly know." he had to laugh at how hesitant Merlin sounded and when Merlin had first sighed in relieve and then looked at him sheepishly, Arthur had forgotten what he had been thinking. He loved his idiot so much.

* * *

The majority of the quest were already in, when Merlin's phone rang. It was Will and he was wandering nearby trying to find the right place. Merlin took his jacket and told Gwen who happened to be nearby that he would go find his friend. Gwen nodded at him and Merlin left. It was cold and windy outside and Merlin hoped Will wouldn't be far away. "So what do you see?" He asked from Will on the phone and Will tried to describe where he was.

"Oh, there is someone walking to this direction, I'll ask them." He suddenly said and Merlin waited patiently hearing muffled sounds from the phone before Will's voice focused again "Hey! What are the odds? These two are going there too!" Merlin quickly checked his mental list on who wasn't still at his home and would walk.

"Is one of them very tall and the other look like he has cotton for brains?" Merlin asked and Will laughed at him. "Funny you would say cotton… Fits the description." Merlin smiled. He had missed Will. "Ok, I'll go back home, Percy and Gwaine will take you there." He said before hanging up. He ran to his home and he didn't have to wait five minutes before the doorbell rang.

Gwaine flung himself at Merlin the moment he opened the door. "Seventeen, huh? Great age, great age, I barely remember living it." He said patting Merlin to his back with one hand and waving to Arthur with the other. Many turned their head at Gwaine's not-so-quiet voice and kept staring. Merlin realised that maybe it wasn't that common to have friends ten years older than yourself. Percy followed Gwaine inside pushing his friend to side so he and Will could enter. Percy just shook Merlin's hand and smiled at him a little wishing him happy birthday. Percy was carrying a large plastic back and when Merlin looked at it questioningly, Percy told him they were some fireworks for the midnight

"Don't worry, I won't let Gwaine near them before we are outside." he assured "Hey! I haven't lit anything on fire for years now!" Gwaine protested making some of the guests laugh nervously. Merlin could hear Pellinor telling how that was just Gwaine. He seemed a bit pleased of the attention he got from that piece of knowledge.

"Percival?" came a question from behind Merlin and when he turned he saw Lance and soon Percy's face lit "Lancelot!" he beamed and they hugged in a very manly way with all the hitting on each other's back and all. Merlin was extremely happy that he had gotten enough sense to step out of their way.

"We played in the same basketball team in high school!" Lance explained to Merlin who looked at Percy. He could have said something about amazing confidences, but when he saw how Percy's head was almost hitting the lamp in their entrance, he just settled for saying "Basketball… Of course you did." and Percy grinned at him. Merlin really started to feel that Percy was a friend too, he could honestly tell that he liked his character. He motioned them towards the kitchen to take some food and then he concentrated on Will who was looking at him seriously.

"So this is how you city people live… " he said seriously with a blank face and they stared each others for a while before both of them burst into a laugh. "Good to see you, Will." Merlin finally said and hugged Will. Will returned it in a very familiar and natural way. "So you decided to be late them?" Merlin commented to him when Will was taking his jacket off. "Says the jackass who suddenly called me just a month ago after not bothering to even answer his phone for over half a year." Merlin's smile faltered a little. He had of course had his reasons not to talk to Will. He kind of thought he owned an explanation, but he really wasn't ready to do that now.

Will seemed to notice that he had flattened to mood so he hooked Merlin's neck with his arm and knuckled his head. "Idiot! Let go of me!" Merlin tried to sound annoyed, but he couldn't stop laughing at the same time. "It really is you, Will, you have grown so much…" Will let go of Merlin when he saw Hunith coming out of the kitchen and he beamed at her. "Nice to see you too Hunith, congratulations for your new job and home!" Hunith smiled at him pleased. Will had always been one to look at the recent good stuff and not the past misfortune and it made Hunith feel like home when Will, who clearly did know about her divorce (even if not the reasons behind it) acted like all that had happened was good.

"Thank you, Will. Please, make yourself like home and take something to eat. I'll get out of this crowds hair soon, but we will see soon enough. There is lot to catch up." Will nodded and thanked her for hospitality and again put his arm around Merlin's neck grinning. "I'll make this guy here make me feel like home, he owes me." Merlin just grinned at him back. He was so happy to see Will again.

"Merlin! Come help me with filling these!" Arthur yelled from the living room pointing at some empty bowls. "Just a second Arthur, I'm just-" Merlin tried but Arthur cut his speech "Now, Merlin!"

Merlin sighed and rolled his eyes to Will and left him to stand in the entrance. Will looked at him go puzzled and then looked at Hunith for answers. "So that's Arthur?" He asked and Hunith nodded smiling a little mysteriously. "Yes, I'm sure you will get along." Will wasn't so sure about that.

* * *

Arthur wasn't annoyed when Merlin hugged his long time friend. He wasn't _so_ annoyed when Will knuckled Merlin's head but his temper ran out when Merlin just let Will's hand stay on his shoulders. Arthur had been working for months to even sit next to Merlin without him blushing or getting uneasy, especially in presence of others, and even if he knew there was no reason to be jealous, he was just that. He practically threw the rest of some honey roasted nuts Hunith had made on surprised looking Gwaine's plate and made Merlin come with him. He hoped he could calm down or the next two days would be torture.

For his ultimate relief, Arthur soon noticed that his worry had been for nothing. Will seemed to be a nice lad and while to Arthur he was from a world so far of his and he really didn't have much to say to him, his and Merlin's interaction was highly entertaining on its own countryish way. He heard Merlin use words he had never heard him use before and soon the duo was the centre of the attention. Many of Arthur's friends commented how it was weird or fun or whatever to see Merlin's old friend with him and Arthur knew where they were coming from. It was rare to see Merlin this carefree. Most of his teammates thought Merlin didn't like people in generally or that he was not social by nature or that he prefered to hang out with girls and Arthur had let it be like that. But here he was, really having fun and surrounded by friends most of them had never even heard of. Arthur really enjoyed showing this side of Merlin to his team mates.

At some point Hunith came back downstairs cutting some of the noise down immediately. She didn't seem to mind about the mess or the noise though. She had some old looking balls made of leather in her hands and she smiled in an amused way.

"Merlin, Will! Do you still remember these?" She asked and threw the balls at Merlin one at a time and to everybody's surprise, Merlin caught them all in a way that almost seemed a habit. Will looked like a sun and he made a motion that Merlin seemed to understand. There were four balls and Merlin threw two of them to Will who caught them in the same manner. They looked each others in the eye and at the same unsaid mark they started throwing the balls first just the two by themselves and then in a steady rhythm they started to throw the balls back and forth in between them. They also took some steps back so they had more space in between them. Everyone cheered at them and Merlin started to do harder tricks. Will would throw him the balls so Merlin juggled two balls with his one hand and just one ball at a time back to Will. Then he moved to jugged with three and finally four balls himself in which point Arthur felt his world expand. His clumsy Merlin who couldn't even catch a football and hated to be in the centre of attention was doing that with four tiny, handmade balls!

Merlin noticed his staring and Arthur could have sworn that he winked at him. He could just continue to stare when Merlin moved so that nobody was behind him slowly and Will made a movement that told Arthur that they were up to something and suddenly Merlin caught all the four balls and his hands briefly disappeared behind his back and when he bought them back, they were empty. He spun around and there was no way he had them in his pockets.

Everyone cheered and Hunith clapped at them. Merlin motioned them to look at Will who took the balls seemingly from his pockets and started to do his round. He juggled the balls two in both of his hands and then three and then four in one hand. They made a steady loop and at one point Merlin pushed his hand through that loop and people cheered. Finally they juggled the balls in between them with one hand behind their back and caught the balls, each two, with one hand and bowed. Arthur clapped with the rest of them. Even if he was a bit jealous of the time Merlin had obviously spend with Will, he felt that he was the happiest in the room. He was so proud of Merlin. He just wished that he had also known Merlin when they had been children.

When the midnight was just twenty minutes away, Gwaine announced that they had fireworks and that he knew an excellent location in the park they could go and fire them. This made the crowd try and leave all at once which made a chaos in the entrance. This gave Arthur an opportunity to ask Merlin to come with him to get something from upstairs. Will's eyes followed Merlin and Arthur to upstairs but he chose not to do anything about it. Gwen nudged him and asked him something about his and Merlin's past and Will calmly started to talk with this pretty girl who seemed to be very good friends with Merlin.

"So what did you need me for?" Merlin asked too happy and hyped up to notice any ulterior motives Arthur obviously had. Arthur rolled his eyes at him and just pulled him closer. "I just wanted to kiss you…" He said and did just that. Merlin froze for just a second. He was a bit too conscious of the noise coming from downstairs and the fact that they had to go soon, but he soon melted to Arthur's kiss. It was warm and full of love. For a moment it was just them in the whole world for Merlin.

When Arthur pulled back, Merlin could just smile at him with hazed eyes. Arthur pressed Merlin to his chest and he wished they had more time. "Let's go out together after your friend has left." Arthur told to Merlin's neck and Merlin lifted his face curiously "Why so sudden? Are you jealous?" It was meant to be a joke but when Arthur blushed, Merlin's smile faltered.

"Seriously. You are kidding me." He said with a dry tone and Arthur turned even more red. "It's not that I don't trust you… It's just how well you get along… I kind of lost my nerve when you hugged him so easily…" It wasn't easy for Arthur. He had made so much effort not to touch Merlin too much, always thinking what he could and couldn't do and when and where and how much and now there was someone who was just… hugging and being loud and inconsiderate and Merlin was ok with that.

Merlin kissed behind Arthur's ear with a smile. "And it's all thanks to you that I don't collapse to a snivelling pile of mess every time someone comes near me. And besides, I have acted like that with Will since we were like five, so thanks to you, I have no reason to change it now." Merlin's words made Arthur cheer up and he kind of saw the whole evening in a new light. So he had done the right thing… That was something he had been wanting to hear for a long time.

Arthur kissed Merlin once more before grabbing a bag next to his table and Merlin grabbed them jackets from a pile they had emptied their entrance before making their way downstairs fast. Most of them were already out, only Percy lingered motioning them to hurry as the midnight was getting nearer. They hurried their shoes and jackets on and jogged after the rest of their guests. They made it to the place Gwaine had been talking about just five minutes before midnight and Gwaine hurried to place some of the fireworks to the ground.

Will was still talking with Gwen and so Merlin made his way to join them Arthur not far behind them. They joined the conversation about how different it was in the countryside Merlin siding with Will and Arthur being the one most city oriented. Soon Gwaine announced that he needed someone brave enough to help him to light the fireworks and Arthur volunteered. Percy also went with him feeling the responsibilities of an adult and Jordan and Will alongside with some others who were interested made their way to the fireworks. Gwaine organised turns surprisingly well and soon everybody knew what they were supposed to do. Merlin just watched amazed how many there were here celebrating New Year with him.

"And let's not forget why we are here! Happy birthday Merlin!" Gwaine howled and everyone echoed him making Merlin feel truly moved. After a count down every one lit their firework and Merlin watched with awe how they lit the night sky among others and he felt like he belonged. This was something he had wanted and longed and he had had it, had he noticed it or not. Of course he didn't know if these people would still celebrate his birthday like this if he told them he was gay, but this still gave him hope that someday there would be a day when he would have people surrounding him who knew and still cared for him. And besides, these people were here now, and that was what mattered right now.

At some point Arthur let Will take his place and made his way to stand besides Merlin, looking at the lights in the sky. Merlin enjoyed feeling him just stand besides him. "Here. Happy birthday." Arthur said not looking at Merlin and passed him a small package. Merlin looked at it curiously and wondered if it was ok to open it here. He glanced at Arthur and when he didn't move or say anything he opened it.

It was a small photo album with pictures of them together. Merlin guessed his mother had taken them. Most of it was still empty but when Merlin flipped the pages, something fell from between them and when he caught it, it turned out to be necklace made of silver. It had a simple design so it would fit with almost anything. Just a simple chain with nice feel to it.

Merlin smiled at it and opened the lock. His fingers were too stiff to close it again so Arthur helped him with it. Merlin liked the new weight on his neck and he felt that Arthur was now with him all the time. It kind of felt light like Arthur's kisses on his neck "Gwen! Can you take a picture?" Arthur yelled at Gwen who was standing just few feet from them, pretending of being engaged with looking at the fireworks.

Gwen nodded immediately and took Arthur's phone to take a picture. Arthur wrapped his arm around Merlin's shoulders and smiled happily at the camera. Merlin also smiled and when he was sure no-one else than Gwen was looking, he placed a small kiss on Arthur's cheek. He heard the phone make a shutter sound and he was more happy about it than disturbed. He felt like he was finally beating Uther. He couldn't ruin his happy moments anymore. Someday he hoped he wouldn't even remember him.

Gwen grinned at them like never before. She hadn't seen them do anything that would suggest that they were more than very close friends before and she was happy that she had witnessed that. She was happy for Merlin. She checked the picture and then sent it to her phone before passing Arthur's phone back. "Now I have some blackmail material on the two of you." she declared grinning and Merlin blushed darkly while Arthur just smiled like he was living the most happy day of his life.

* * *

Many of their guests had to leave soon after midnight. Few lingered and some who had trouble going home this late either got a ride from someone or stayed for the night. Hunith did her best to make beds for them, but some still had to sleep on the floor and in the end Merlin and Arthur had only one blanket and one pillow on their bed. Will would sleep on their couch with a couch pillow and a sleeping bag he had brought with him. Jordan was one of those who had to stay and Merlin gave him his sleeping bag. He and Hunith both had one and for some reason Jordan was one of Merlin's favourites. Elyan had claimed to be too tired to go home (their empty home where Lance had promised to give Gwen and him a lift) so he was sleeping on the living rooms couch after he had told Merlin to note how amazing brother he was. The couch's back cushions were laid in the floor occupied by Bedivere, who was complaining how Elyan was snoring by the time Hunith found him Arthur's old blanket. Arthur found this all nice. He had never really had this kind of experiences. His father had never allowed things like sleepovers in their house. Seeing Arthur's childish glee, Merlin was even more happy that he had dared to invite everyone over.

Will was so tired from all the traveling and fuzz that he fell asleep immediately on the couch in Merlin's and Arthur's room that he didn't even questioning how two guys were supposed to sleep in a same bed with just one blanket. Merlin dressed like he normally did for night and he was pleased to see Arthur in full pyjama like he had promised. It actually looked a bit weird on him (it was actually Merlin's), but Merlin thought that it looked good on Arthur (like everything did).

Arthur turned their blanket around so they could both sleep under it without being near. Even if Merlin didn't particularly like that, he was relieved that Arthur had an idea to look at least a bit more normal. He curled into a ball so he could stay warm and he was a bit jealous of Arthur who could stay warm half of his body outside of the blanket. Arthur moved a bit towards centre and Merlin wanted to get closer to his body heat, but he was too aware of Will being in the same room so he stayed put, just next to the edge of the bed.

Arthur must have noticed this because he kissed Merlin on his forehead before turning to his side, his back towards Merlin. Merlin stayed awake for some time just wishing he could hug Arthur but eventually he also fell asleep.

* * *

In the morning Merlin almost died from a heart attack when Will shook him awake with a grin on his face. Merlin wasn't sure what exactly was different but something in the way Will shook him awake was different from Arthur's and that alone made Merlin's unconscious mind stop and make him wake with fright. Luckily Will didn't seem to notice. Merlin rose up feeling cold, shaken and weak. He shivered and Will told him that he should get something warm on and come to have breakfast with him. Arthur had already gone so Merlin saw no reason not to go downstairs, but it still took awhile.

His mother was already making pancakes for the rest of the crew and everybody seemed happy. Arthur was happily chatting with Elyan and Merlin found himself smiling. Arthur noticed him soon and he motioned him to sit besides him. He had saved Merlin a seat, so Merlin did just that and moved his chair even closer to Arthur's making room for Will to sit next to him. There was something weird in Will's gaze, but whatever it was, Merlin couldn't address it now so he pretended not to notice.

After the breakfast all but Will had to go. They were cheerful if not a bit tired and they wished Merlin happy birthday again and made plans to see during Christmas holidays. Merlin was just as happy as he had been yesterday but also a bit relieved to be left alone with Arthur and Will. He felt that he needed time alone with them.

Merlin was on alert for the whole day. He was sure that Will would ask him something awkward at any given time, but in the end, the day passed and they had just had normal fun and goofed around. They had even practiced a new juggler trick in the garden and Merlin had almost let himself feel that if Will wouldn't ask anything about his and Arthur's relationship, it would be better for all of them.

However, Wills opportunity arrived when Arthur left for a jog before dinner. Merlin had been trying to learn how to juggle two balls with his right hand (for some reason he could only do it with his left hand while Will could do both) when Arthur had gotten bored and told them he would go to jog. Merlin had just hmmh-ed while concentrating on the balls.

When Will heard the front door close and saw Arthur jog to the direction of the park they had visited yesterday, he finally became serious. "Merlin, what's going on here?" He asked causing Merlin to drop the balls he had managed to keep in the air for almost ten turns. He wanted to make some excuse or pretend that nothing was going on, but in the end he couldn't. Not for Will.

"Quite a lot." He finally said in a quiet voice while collecting the fallen balls. "So start from the beginning. Or from what is going on with you and Arthur." Merlin dropped the balls again and he was sure that didn't help his case. "Wha- what do you mean?" He asked knowing full well what. Will rolled his eyes sarcastically "I know that much that you are supposed to be brothers through marriage. I remember you telling how you didn't get along and I remember you getting obsessed about his moods, but what's with you only having one bed and disappearing together when you think nobody's looking?" Merlin sat down and leaned to his bed with a huff. Will was being too smart and Merlin had nothing to say for his defence. Will just knew him too well.

"I like him." He said. There was nothing else to say and nothing else to discus and Merlin knew Will got full well what he meant. Will blinked once and then he let himself fall to the floor with a sigh. "Should have guessed." He murmured and Merlin looked at him half curious and half scared. "I guess you are dating and Hunith knows about it too. Otherwise you wouldn't have just one bed." He said almost sounding bored and he didn't look at Merlin and Merlin couldn't look at him. "Yeah…" he answered. He had no point in lying.

Will surprised Merlin by laughing out loud. "I knew there was something different about you all along. That was actually the feature I liked about you the most." Will said laughing. Merlin dared to relax a bit and Will continued "I just hope that Arthur is not that much of a prat you have made him sound like." Merlin blushed at that and mumbled "He has his moments…" Will turned his head to look at him grinning. "Obviously. He wouldn't be good enough for you otherwise." Merlin blushed even deeper and Will decided it was time to have some fun on Merlin's behalf. "But you know, not all are as understanding and noble as I am. You should be more careful with disappearing in the middle of your parties. Not everyone is as stupid as those footballers are." Merlin laughed at that. He knew Wills tone and he was relieved that Will was on his side. He didn't hate him, he was still Merlin's friend.

Will continued to tease Merlin and his ways and Merlin relaxed more and more with time. In the end they joked as if nothing had happened. "…and then there was Khristy. What's wrong with her?" Will asked teasingly. "She was rude. How can anyone like someone who tells people that her father's sheep were perfect and everybody else's just looked like sheep?" Will laughed at that holding his sides. Merlin grinned at him laughing with him until Will calmed down. "What about me then? What's wrong with me so you had to have a rich city boy?" His tone was so teasing Merlin didn't even feel ashamed he just rolled his eyes "What's so good about you? Or would you want me to like you?" He teased back making Will kick him across the floor. "In your dreams faggot. And I have many good qualities. I'm understanding and handsome and funny and I have great timing." Merlin laughed so hard that his ribs hurt "Like the time you pushed me out of a tree and I almost flattened old man Simons?" "Like he would have looked any worse than he already did after that!" Will howled and they both laughed hysterically.

After their laughter had finally calmed down, Will decided to ask a serious question. "Merlin, what has happened to you? I know it's not just you being gay with your half brother, there is something else." Merlin's smile disappeared and he looked at his hands while trying to make up something to tell to Will. "And don't give me any of 'I have grown up' or 'we just haven't see each other for a long time' bullshit. There is something different about you." Will looked Merlin in a way that Merlin had seen only once. When Will had told him how his father had died.

Merlin sighed. He pulled his legs against his chest and said "I lost my virginity." With anyone else that Will he wouldn't have used this choice of words but somehow at the moment he felt that was the source of his problems and so he said it. Will threw his hands in the air frustrated "And here I was trying to be serious for once. If I had wanted a status of your and Arthur's sexlife, I would have asked that, thank you very much."

Merlin buried his head to his knees. Of course Will got frustrated. They had agreed a long time ago that they were the only intelligent beings in their village and that they could only talk about serious stuff with each others. Few years back Will would have understood immediately what Merlin was trying to tell him, but of course this wasn't the same as telling how he had lost his favourite toy or even how he would miss Will when he was going to move.

"I wish…" Merlin said quietly making Will stop his ranting. Merlin was serious and he knew it now. There was a moment of confused silence and Merlin tried to find words for his situation. He had told the whole story many times now but it had been many months and he didn't want to do it again. Especially not for Will.

Merlin rose up slowly and made his way to his and Arthur's desk. It should be there somewhere… He soon found what he had been looking for from one of the drawers. A newspaper article Gwen had shown him the day school had started. For some reason he had saved it. "Here." he said and handed the article to a confused Will and sat to the bed. He wanted to disappear but could do nothing more that to sit on the edge of the bed and think blank as Will read on.

It took for a while for Will to understand but when he did, he looked ill. "That was the man Hunith married….?" Merlin just nodded not even looking if Will saw it. Will folded the article like it had been and buried his face to his hands breathing deeply "Jesus. Merlin, why didn't you say anything? And besides how can you be with his son after that? Didn't he know?" Merlin sighed. These were the question he was sure he would have to answer many times in his life and he was fed up with them already.

"Arthur is not like his father." That was the first thing he wanted to make his friend understand. "And no, he didn't know. I tried my best not to let anyone know." Will looked at him like he had something wrong with his head and Merlin felt a sudden spike of anger. It was not like anyone could understand how it had been for him!

"You imagine someone who was supposed to be a part of your family sticking their dick to your mouth. Who would you tell?" Merlin's eyes glittered and his expression had turned angry. Will had to look down and he felt guilty for asking. He understood. Merlin had been the only one he had been able to tell how much his father's death had affected him and that was entirely a different scale. He actually should have felt grateful that Merlin was telling this to him now. He looked at his best friend and felt that whatever was said right now, would break what they had had and then either mend it all together or make them fall apart. Like when Merlin had listened him crying for hours that one night they had spent in one of his mother's barns. Before that Merlin had been his friend and after that, his best friend.

"You are right. I wouldn't have told anybody either." Will said and Merlin's anger melted away. This was the first time anyone had told him they would have done the same. It made him feel better in a way he didn't know he had been even hurting. "But seriously, this is some sick stuff. How can you even be gay after this?" Will continued, there were no filters on and he just said what came to his mind.

The question felt absurd to Merlin. He had never even thought it that way but in a way he could see the logic behind the question. Maybe if he hadn't known he was gay before it all happened, maybe he would now be scared that Uther had turned him to one?

"It's not like I can do anything about it… Imagine if I was a girl. Would you ask me this then? If I had turned lesbian because I was raped?" Merlin said feeling that it was how it was. He had wanted to change his sexuality for such a long time, but now… he knew that even Uther raping him hadn't been able to change it. And he was glad of that.

Will flinched at the word 'raped' but Merlin could see his brain turn "No… you are right. I guess I'm not being too tactful." Merlin grinned at him "Since when is that news?" Will glared at him. "I'm trying my best here!" Merlin smiled at him but said then with a more serious tone "Yeah I know. I appreciate it. Thank you for not hating me." Will looked at him a bit confused and then grinned again. They had managed to do it again, and without crying this time. "Of course I won't. Who would be my best friend then?"

Merlin felt warm inside and he smiled warmly at Will who looked at him skeptically. "But no going mushy on me. I can handle you being gay as long as you keep that in mind." Merlin rolled his eyes and threw his hands in the air. "You are the worst. If you have forgotten already, I have a boyfriend." Will covered his ears and yelled desperately "I don't want to hear! Please spare me from the details." Merlin grinned at that and made a tube of his hands and started to tease Will "And at night time we gay people…"

He couldn't get any further when Will grabbed his ankle and pulled him down from the bed. Merlin hit his head on the floor mildly but that didn't stop him from laughing "I'll make you stop making fun of me you-" Will laughed at him while holding his ankle when Arthur chose to open the door. There was a moment of confused silence before Merlin and Will looked at each others and started to laugh hysterically.

"I don't even want to know…" Arthur muttered and stepped over Merlin to get some fresh clothes from their closet. Will and Merlin just laughed even harder. Arthur stepped over Merlin once more with new clothes in his hand. A droplet of cold water hit Merlin's chest then. He just now noticed that Arthur was dripping wet. After one glance from out of the window, he saw that it was raining. He felt a bit concern towards Arthur. "Aren't you cold? Do you need something?" He asked turning to his stomach so he could see Arthur better. (Will was still holding his ankle) "Nah, I'll be fine. I'll just take a shower." Arthur said not even bothering to turn around.

"Your boyfriend is pretty stubborn, you know…" Will commented (still holding Merlin's ankle) making Arthur spin around at the same time he was opening the door causing him to hit himself with the said door. "… and graceful too." Will continued making Merlin snicker. Arthur just looked at them like they were the strangest thing he had ever seen in his life. "Don't look so surprised there mr. Pendragon. Merlin here cannot keep secrets from me." Will said looking proud with himself. Arthur looked at Merlin who just shrugged his shoulders and back to Will who was still holding Merlin's ankle. "I don't get you…" He said before turning back to the bathroom and closing the door making them both laugh hard.

At the dinner Hunith served a stew that made both Merlin and Will look like the Christmas was back and Arthur couldn't say he shared the hype. Sure Hunith's cookings were excellent, but that was exaggerating. Will chatted happily to Hunith and Merlin but Arthur soon noticed that he was keeping a bit distance to him. It wasn't that surprising. After all he didn't know Will very well and Merlin and Hunith were his old neighbours. Arthur soon lost interest in listening what had happened to someone or the other back in their old home and he wondered if Merlin missed it. If he should have offered to take Merlin there ages ago.

"…But nothing sure isn't as interesting as what has happened to Merlin here, I have to make up some kind of cover story before I get back, I possibly can't tell them how instead of you, Merlin is the one with a city boyfriend." Will told Hunith with good humour and apparently Hunith didn't mind but smiled at him fondly. Arthur's interest was also caught just in time to hear Hunith say "Really you are something Will. To be honest I always thought that you two would hit it off someday…" There was tease in Hunith's voice, she had surely meant nothing by it, but Arthur failed to see the humour.

Merlin looked at Will seemingly disturbed and Will answered his gaze. Merlin looked back to Hunith "Why…" he asked with a skeptical, disturbed voice and distaste all over his face. Hunith laughed at him and Will looked at her a plea in his eyes "Please, don't say stuff like that. I have to sleep in the same room with them tonight and I'd like to get home alive!" He whined pointing at Arthur who looked like there was a dark cloud hanging on top of his head.

Merlin put his arm around Arthur's shoulder and shook him a bit "Come on, mother doesn't mean it." Will covered his eyes dramatically and cried out "Please, spare my innocent eyes! I'm trying to eat here!" Merlin just laughed and when Will removed his hands from his face, he kissed Arthur's cheek making Arthur blush and Will cover his eyes again. Hunith just giggled and smiled at the whole scene. She had missed Will and the life he and Merlin brought to her house every time she saw them. She was glad that Merlin had gotten the courage to tell him the truth and she hoped their friendship would last. When they had still lived in the village, Hunith had wondered if Merlin liked Will that way. She had been aware that her son was homosexual after all and there was just something different in the way that Merlin and Will interacted, but it turned out she had been wrong. There was still that something different in between them but it was clearly not love. Or at least not a romantic kind. Hunith was glad that Merlin had such good friends to take care of him.

The rest of the meal Merlin and Will recalled some old stories of their childhood making even Arthur laugh. After a story of how they had moved a scarecrow next to someone's window as a revenge, Arthur found himself almost falling from his chair. "You are seriously weird you know?" He asked Will who grinned at him seemingly pleased. "No, you got it all wrong. Merlin is the weird one, I'm the annoying one." He said and Arthur rolled his eyes. "Then I'm sorry for your village. I can barely handle one Merlin and if you are more annoying than him…" Will put his arms in front of him as a defence "Don't say 'handle'!" making Arthur blush and Merlin kick his friend from under the table. "Ouch! Is that a way to treat your guests?" Will complained. "Shut up, Will." Merlin just said with humour in his voice. It was weird how calm Merlin was today. It was clearly because of Will, but still, it was unusual that he could feel so comfortable when Arthur was the one ending up blushing. It was a nice change.

After dinner they watched some movie Will sitting in between Merlin and Arthur 'to keep them civil' as he said and Merlin didn't mind. He was happy. They also played some scrabble (for Arthur's agony) and Arthur learned from where Merlin's interesting words had their origin. In the end it was fun for him just to watch what they would come up with and how they tried to justify their words. It was way past midnight when Hunith finally came to tell them in her nightgown that it was time to go to sleep. They all changed to their pyjamas and went to their bed (or couch) then, but they didn't sleep. Somehow the discussion turned to girls and especially to Gwen

"I mean she is really beautiful and nice too… Please tell me she's not dating anybody." Will said sounding hopeful to Merlin who just answered to him bluntly "She's dating somebody." Will groaned and said "Of course. And you are her friend and you just let that happen? Wait, alright you have the pretty boy over there, but still…" Arthur looked at him disturbed at his comment "A what?!" Merlin had to press his face against his pillow in order not to laugh out loud. Arthur looked at him shocked. "Is that any way to treat me?" He asked sounding insulted which made Merlin laugh even harder. Just to make fun of Will Merlin told him that he went to swim every week with Gwen. Will seemed to forget that he was supposed to make Arthur's life a misery for a moment and his eyes light up "How does she look in a swimming suit?" he asked way too eager and Arthur groaned. He had heard similar comments from his football mates too much to last a lifetime. He just couldn't get what was so interesting.

Merlin seemed to think for a while before answering "She has a light blue swimming suit…?" Will looked like there was no hope in his friend "I mean does she have a nice body? How are her boobs?" He used a tone like he was talking to a five year old and Merlin made a face like he was thinking really hard "I guess she has them." He finally answered making Arthur grin and Will groan. "I suppose I should have expected this from a couple of gays…" he sighed in defeat. Arthur suddenly felt a need to correct Merlin's friend "I'm not gay. Merlin is." This made Will look at him confused. Merlin just smiled a bit to Arthur. It was rare for Arthur to talk about his sexuality and that he was now mentioning the subject with Will present… that was really a huge thing and Merlin was glad to see Arthur trusted Will this much, but he didn't want Will to see that he didn't really know either. Hell, he hoped Arthur wouldn't see how curious he was to hear what he had to say.

Will looked at them even more confused "But I thought… what are you then?" To Merlin this didn't seem insulting, He had known Will so long that he knew for certain that he didn't mean anything by it and that he just wasn't the best with his choice of words, but Arthur seemed to be put of with the word 'what'. He hadn't really talked about this with anyone else than Merlin really and it wasn't too easy for him.

"He means that how come we are together if you are not gay. Just answer him. I'll keep translating." Merlin said calmly making Arthur look a bit more relaxed "Hey! What do you mean 'translating'?" Will asked him with a fake hurt in his voice. "It means translate idiot-prat-idiot. We will need that if you two are going to talk without a fight." Will grinned at him and Arthur sighed

"I could be bi, but I never have had much interest in anyone else than Merlin." Will looked at him amazed. He had never thought that there was something in between like this. "So in other words, while Merlin here has hard time telling if someone has boobs, you notice them, but you don't really care?" Arthur had to laugh at this simplified explanation and Merlin face palmed himself. "You are taking care of the translating yourself I see…"

In the end they ended up comparing what features they liked in people, but when Arthur kept first describing Merlin and then just simply answering 'Merlin' Will eventually groaned in defeat "I can't take this fluffiness anymore… I promise I'll never talk to you about girls if you just make him stop…" Will obviously directed his words to Merlin who laughed at him. At this point Hunith came back to tell them that seriously, it was time to sleep. It was almost three o'clock in the morning.

After that they shut the last source of light in the room and settled to sleep. Merlin kept his distance to Arthur and now that they both had their blankets, it felt much easier. Arthur slid his hand under Merlin's blanket and took his hand in his. Merlin smiled at him fondly not sure if Arthur could see it or not. He was about to lean to Arthur to give him a small good night kiss when Will commented from the couch "Behave. Some of us don't have pretty blondes next to them on daily basis. Some of us are stuck in a village with girls who are either rude or look like trolls. Now sleep."

Merlin looked at Arthur and could barely see his eyes, but he was also looking at Merlin too. "In one day from a 'rich kid' to a 'pretty blonde' That's something." Merlin said to Arthur who punched him playfully on the side. "And no domestic violence. Honestly Merlin, you have a weird taste." Will's voice seemed to be more sleepy that it had been just a moment ago. "I can kiss you good night also, if that helps you." Merlin suggested with a stupid grin on his face.

Arthur tighten his grip on Merlin's hand and Will sat up with a fright. "You! Keep away from me or I will tell Gwen you didn't know if she has boobs or not!" Merlin laughed at him and snuggled to Arthur's side. "Good night Will." He said and Will settled down mumbling something about best friends being a pain in the metaphorical ass.

Arthur smiled at Merlin's hair. He felt so good that Merlin's friend was accepting them like this. He certainly knew why Merlin had missed Will and he hoped they could meet him more often. He fell asleep soon after, holding Merlin's hand and listening Merlin breath against his shoulder.

* * *

It was not yet morning when Merlin woke up from a bad dream. He was breathing hard and covered in sweat. He glanced at Arthur who was still sleeping peacefully his back turned to him.

Merlin slowly calmed his breath and stood up with shaky legs. He had seen a dream where Uther had come to their house and there had been no-one at home and Merlin had nowhere to run to. He hated those dreams that involved Uther and their new home the most. The other dreams were kind of in the past or too absurd to be real, but these dreams always made him fear that Uther could really come here…

Merlin shivered and made his way to downstairs. He would have gone to the closet just to collect himself but he couldn't with Will sleeping so close so he went to kitchen instead and made himself a cup of tea. He turned from the counter to sit on the table when he saw Will standing in the doorway. He jumped and almost half of his tea spilled over.

"Christ, Will! You trying to give me a heart attack?" He asked him whispering. Will just looked at him and moved past him to pour himself a cup of tea also. "You had a bad dream?" He asked and Merlin felt ashamed that he had woken Will up. "Yeah…" He replied. Will nodded and asked "You have them often?" Merlin shook his head "Not that often anymore…" Will nodded at that too "I still have them. Not very often, but sometimes. I wonder if they will ever end." He said quietly and Merlin again felt like Will really understood. He also had something he didn't want to remember and even if it was more well known tragedy, he had gone through the same kind of flood of miss placed questions and pity and grief mixed together. It was different but similar enough to understand what was really going on.

"Arthur didn't seem to wake up…" Will said a slight accusation in his voice and Merlin snapped his gaze to his friend. He really wanted to make Will understand how much Arthur did for him every day.

"He wakes up if I panic and he tells me I can wake him up anytime. But I don't want him to worry." Will looked at Merlin in the eye. "Then he must be doing something right. I'll keep that in mind from now on." He said and took a sip of his tea. To Merlin this meant a world. Will didn't trust rich city-people (who had their very own countryside stereotype) because of what had happened to his father and to accept Arthur not just as a human being, but as Merlin's boyfriend, was somewhat a huge thing for him and Merlin knew it. "Thank you…" He said softly really meaning it.

Will shocked on his tea "What's with you thanking me all the time today… No need. Awkward. Stop it." Merlin grinned at him. They drank their teas and headed back upstairs careful not to make any noise. Arthur was sitting in their bed reading a book with the night lamp on when they opened the door. He glanced at them briefly and then turned the light off putting his book down and turning to his side.

Merlin shrugged his shoulders and Will thought that he had given too little credit for Arthur. He was clearly there for Merlin. In a silent supporting way, ready to be there if Merlin needed him. Will couldn't imagine how many nights Arthur had waited awake if Merlin needed him and it finally sunk in what Arthur had meant when he had told that he only was interested in Merlin. 'Maybe that is what they call true love…?' Will felt a bit sappy thinking that and he shrugged it off before he fell asleep again.

* * *

Will had to leave early the next day. Arthur offered to drive him to buss station which gave him time to have breakfast with them in peace. Merlin was happy that Will and Arthur seemed to get along now and sad that Will had to go so soon. He asked if Will could visit again soon and Will also invited Merlin (and the blonde if he had to come) to visit him, which Arthur replied that they could drive there some weekend with his car and Will made comment of how handy it was that Merlin had a chauffeur making Arthur tell him that he would give up on being polite right now.

At some point Merlin also asked if Will knew what he was going to do when his high school was over, to which Will replied that he wasn't sure. His high school didn't exactly give him much to go to a wider world and he had no idea what else he could do than to continue helping his mother with her farm. "It's not like I have many talents." He said and Merlin stayed serious for once "That's not true. You could think of moving here also. There are many things you could do." Will looked skeptical but to their both surprise Arthur told Will that he himself was going to be a police and that Will should think of all the non academic professions out there. Will gave him an almost a smile and promised to think about it.

Arthur felt a bit awkward driving Will alone, he had no idea what he should talk about or say to Merlin's friend who was uncomfortably quiet now that Merlin wasn't around. Merlin would have liked to come too, but Will had told him it was alright and Arthur had been very happy to second him. He was quite sure Will too had seen how tired Merlin was.

"Hey, you will take good care of Merlin right?" Will asked at some point making Arthur almost miss his turn. "Mmm, yeah, I intend to…" He said hesitantly not sure which direction this conversation was going. "I mean it must not be easy for the two of you." Will continued not looking at Arthur who was actually glad of that. "No. I suppose it's not. But I don't mind." Will now looked at Arthur curiously. "But if you are bi, wouldn't it be easier to get a girlfriend?" He asked mostly to make sure Arthur really liked Merlin and partly out of curiosity.

Arthur frowned "It's not about how easy it is. I love Merlin and that's what is important." Arthur's annoyed tone made Will raise his eyebrows. When Arthur didn't seem to change his posture Will sighed "Alright. I get it. You love him and he loves you I suppose, and I shouldn't worry. I'll just have to take Merlin's word that you are actually a good guy." Arthur glanced at Will when he had to stop to a traffic light. He was looking at Arthur way more serious than Arthur had seen him for the last two days. It was a bit unnerving.

"Now you get it… How else I would have survived Merlin until now?" He said making Will grin again. "I don't know, he is nice looking bloke isn't he?" Will was just teasing Arthur and he had no idea if Merlin was handsome or not in general point of view but Arthur's reaction was priceless. He blushed and almost choked on something and he had to cough for awhile in the next traffic lights. He looked at Will like he had done something really offensive to him while Will laughed like mad at his seriousness

"It's not like I think that…! I have to tell Merlin how much you appreciate him! This is priceless!" He laughed and Arthur was glad when he could drop Will out of his car and tell him good riddance and never come back (even if he didn't mean it.)

Will just waved at him and headed to the bus. He made a mental note to save all of his allowance and buy a new bus ticket as soon as possible. It had been boring without Merlin back home and now he even had a funny sidekick to tease.

* * *

A/N I really liked Will in the show. More than I should have taking to account that he was only in one episode. It was clear what they did with him. He was the best friend form Merlin's old life and they were close in order to make an impact when he died. That... shouldn't have left that strong impression on me. But it did and I think I'm not the only one. In just few lines he really made it clear how close he had been with Merlin and who he was. So, obviously wanted to include him in my story. I have to say, that the scene with Merlin telling Will what had happened was one of my personal favorites. I'm so thrilled that I had a chance to publish it :)

I saved for him what nobody else has been able to tell to Merlin, that he would have done the same. Even Gaius asked why Merlin hadn't told him. Arthur felt almost betrayed for a while and Hunith just wished she had known, that Merlin had told her before it even begun. Gwen also... her first reaction would have been to go to police because of her mother. But Will really understood. In that way he and Merlin are very much alike and it's no surprise. They have grown up like brothers. And this is actually one of my themes in this story: what makes a brother? Or a family? Or a lover? What is it, that makes us feel beyond ties of blood and what it is that makes us feel for those ties of blood? I find this subject very interesting.

If you have any thought on the subject, would be very interested on hearing them :)

Oh! And who else also liked the scene (in the tv-show) where Merlin jugglers with the eggs and Arthur looks like the world makes no sense anymore? :D

My ranting aside, mersan123 and Angel Dove1, you are the best! Thank you for your reviews, I was very happy to have those and you really motivated me to finnish this chapter a bit earlier I had hoped for. I hope you enjoyed the new chapter! :)

mersan123 Hi! Awesome you love Christmas too! It's the best. I just dont really like the pre-fuss of comercials and carols in every store and the plastic stuff... but the eve and the day spend with family... I just love it more and more every year. Gwaine? Cheeky? Nooo... never... (sarcastic voice involved) :D He so was! I loved the word 'cheeky' you used, have to use it somewhere... As we saw in this chapter, Morgana hadn't actually ignored Arthur, but we are still quite a long way from her to be the sister Arthur needs her to be, we will get back to that later ;) And just awesome you liked Vivian, I kind of enjoy her character too and I have somany ideas for her... I'm just not sure which ones to use. Merlin is moving forward, slowly, but steadily and there are people who believe and support him, so he will be alright in the end :) Always thrilled to see a review from you, so lets keep on making each other's days, shall we? ;)

Angel Dove1 Halloween is geart too. I like the energy and the costumes and the darkish themes, but Christmas is still the best. Not the material side with comersials and plastic stuff and carols that start to play in every corner starting from october, but the celebration itself... I just love the time spend with my family and close ones. Ah, your fabourites! I so love those! Percy and Gwaine... Percy doesn't understand what makes them seem like a couple and even if Gwaine does, he will so not do anything about that :D And he what else was he supposed to give to Merlin than something emberassing? And Arthur's gift... I found that project and I just had to add it to my story. It was actually why Merlin got the scar in the first place. (I seem to have many of these moments that are in the story for a reason that is not even explained really... at least this one got explained now ;) (actually Arthur buying that gift card was actually supposed to be in the last chapter :P )) And lastly, I'm so glad you like the thought of Arthur becoming a police officer, he would make the world a better place for sure. And about the merthur scene... you gave me such a compliment! I wanted to write about the insecurities of that age + the trauma they both have, but also how they both really want to get closer and have urges like any teenagers, how those kind of situations are not in anyway logical or predictable or anything really. And the semen... yep, I made such a thing of it that i think at this point even I have a new view of semen... So no glancing over, not possible for me...And lastly, if Merlin had tucked that blanket to cover Arthur's head, it would have definitely been him to get the light... Arthur would have pushed him off the bed in order to escape the balnket of Hell. :D Seriously, even I don't know what happened with that one, so you tell me ;)


	50. Chapter 50 - Of dates and travel anxiety

"Up." Came a short command and Arthur automatically rose his legs so Merlin could hover from under them. He was cleaning their room with a furious energy, the hoover hitting their furniture now and then and even if the noise covered Merlin's muttering, Arthur could see his lips moving nonstop.

Merlin had been in a foul mood the whole day, the whole week. Arthur had been so preoccupied with his own thoughts he wasn't sure anymore. His call to Morgana on New Years had gone well, better than ever and just two days after that, she had called Arthur for the first time. She had told they could meet on the last saturday of Arthur's holiday, at a cafe nearby her university at four o'clock.

Arthur had given up on the hope of meeting his sister when she hadn't said anything about it when they had talked in New Year's so of course he had been thrilled. He had told her right away that he would be there, written down the address, asked if Merlin could come too, promised to be there in time and the minute the call had ended, asked Hunith a permission to go.

Of course about half an hour after that, he had started to stress of the meeting. What would he say to Morgana? How should he act? Could he hug her? Shake her hand? Wave casually and say 'hi'? How would he introduce Merlin? Would Merlin like his sister? He wanted so much to make a good impression of himself and Merlin to his sister, but what he feared more, was how Morgana would act.

Arthur knew his sister. She was pretty, strong, intelligent, compassionate and strong willed. Arthur wished Merlin would get to see that too, but at the moment, Arthur was very much aware of how moody Morgana could be. Mean, furious, hurt and cruel were just some of the emotions Arthur had witnessed over short phone calls and having a coffee with her would definitely be awkward at least part of the time. Arthur could just hope Morgana would try to act polite when she met Merlin. Of course Morgana would see how well Merlin was doing and how incredible that was, but could he really trust her to be someone Merlin would like? No, she was just too unpredictable and at times, if Arthur was being honest with himself, almost a stranger to even Arthur.

Arthur sighed. Merlin had moved on with the hoover and Arthur could hear him mutilating the walls downstairs now. He should stop worrying, he told to himself. There was really not much to do besides worry before he actually sat to the same table with his sister and all the decisions had already been made anyway. He already knew what he wanted, but he had already done everything in his power for them, so there really wasn't a point of asking the same questions from himself the third time.

He just looked at their ceiling for a while and listened to the sound of the hoover. Merlin… He was so glad that Merlin was coming with him. It was almost funny really. Arthur knew maybe better than anyone how Merlin could be unbalanced, had his issues, bad days and at times it was inconvenient and hard to deal with his moods, but to Arthur, Merlin was his rock. If Merlin was with him, he knew he could deal with whatever Morgana would say or do. He would be alright even if Morgana would tell him she didn't want to see him again, didn't want him to call… He would survive it and leave with dignity, give Morgana the space she wanted, if Merlin would be there with him. Besides, Merlin's presence made him a better person, so if he wanted to be in his best, it would be wise to keep Merlin close.

Arthur dragged himself up from their couch and out of the room. This weekend was the last of their holiday and he wanted to spend it properly with Merlin. Even if he had no idea of how his weekend would go, they still had friday evening and maybe that was still salvageable.

Just when Arthur got downstairs, Merlin knocked a pile of magazines over and he cursed under his breath with some most imaginative words Arthur had ever heard (most of them weren't even real swear words) before he yanked the hoover's cord from a socket and started to collect the mess. He glanced at Arthur, but didn't react otherwise to the fact that Arthur was in the room. That felt… not great.

Arthur didn't take Merlin for granted, he really didn't. At times he was really worried that someday Merlin would not need him anymore and then he would find life from somewhere else. That he would someday see Arthur as a part of his painful past or just realise how there were other men in the world with better personalities or whatever quality Merlin held high in his books. He could see and feel the love Merlin had for him and that kept him confident when it came to present, but at times like these, he felt that he still needed to learn to show Merlin that he was important to him. That they could have fun, that their relationship worked. Arthur didn't really know how exactly, but now he knew that he had been neglecting Merlin for too many days. He really should make effort to show Merlin some good time and cheer him up and so he went and took the hoover.

* * *

Merlin just blinked when he realised that the hoover was not where he had left it after he crawled from under the table some of the magazines had slid under. When Arthur came to his line of sight, he was ready to be cross with his boyfriend. That would have been so much easier at the moment and so very wellcome to replace this slow burning annoyance he had felt for days now.

Merlin didn't like Morgana, he was quite sure of that. First of all, who calls their brother to drive hundreds of kilometers to have a cup of coffee without even inviting them to visit their house, much less to sleep over? Merlin was quite sure Arthur didn't even know where Morgana lived! Then again, this wasn't why Merlin didn't like her. She had obviously made Arthur stressed. He was so emotionally invested in their relationship and Morgana didn't even bother to act like she appreciated it! She was five years older for Christ sake! She was an adult and she had lived by herself for years and still, she had been unable to reassure Arthur that they would be alright in the end, comfort him once in awhile or even thank him for his troubles!

Merlin had tried to understand her, he really had. He knew what she had gone through, maybe better than anybody ever could and that should go in both ways, but when Arthur had asked if he wanted to come, he hadn't been sure if that was a good idea. If he had gotten any intentions of letting Arthur out of his sight, he would have asked that out loud too.

It didn't help his mood that Arthur had been too spaced out to even notice that Merlin had cleaned their room, gotten their school stuff ready for monday and packed for their trip. He had even answered to Arthur's phone couple of times and dealt with his friends who had wanted to drag him to wherever when Arthur had been clearly not in the mood. At the moment Merlin doubted if Arthur would even make it out the city without him!

And while doing all that, he had swallowed every comment and every feeling in order not to add to Arthur's stress.

"Huh?" Was his smart comment to the missing hoover when Arthur sat next to him on the floor, but Arthur didn't comment. That was a wise decision for Merlin was still wondering if he wanted to get angry at Arthur or not. "Do you know how to ice skate?" Arthur asked and Merlin needed a moment to understand what was being said to him.

"Yes. That's one of the about four things to do during winter in my home village. Why?" he said ready to get offended that Arthur thought he couldn't ice skate. "Pellinore told me that there is an ice rink in Central park. Would you like to try that?" Arthur asked looking like he really wanted to go with Merlin. That effectively ruined Merlin's carefully nurtured angst and a smile started to tuck his lips upwards.

"Sounds great..." Merlin said even before he could comprehend how quickly his foul mood had evaporated. Was Arthur asking him to a date? It really seemed so and to ice skate… Merlin hadn't done that in years! "I'll just… change." he continued with a flat tone that had nothing to do how many feelings he was feeling and made his way to their room.

When he closed their closet door, Merlin let himself smile a stupidly wide smile. How had Arthur managed to find the one thing that could break through Merlin's bad mood? A date... he just loved those! In dates he knew where he really stood with Arthur and felt normal in a way he didn't really feel even in their home half of the time.

It was kind of something very different what he and Arthur had in so many ways. A bit like they were just two teenagers dating and not this complex swamp of feelings and affairs. There were so many things of course and the fact that they had started to live together before even knowing each other's didn't really help. It made some things quite unique (as Gwen had said) or weird (as Merlin had said). Merlin had talked about it once with Gwen and it really had been an interesting discussion.

Arthur had seen Merlin in his very worst in every aspect there was, but still when they had a date, Merlin had this need to look the best he could, to be his best. Yes, he did get quite a motivation to for example clean and cook from the fact that Arthur lived with him, but he didn't exactly stress about it, Arthur was his motivation in many things and if he left a shirt lying around wasn't even in his list of every day concerns. In a restaurant however he kept thinking if his posture was fine or if he used the cutleries the right way or if Arthur liked the colour of his shirt. Now he tried to decided if Arthur would like a button up shirt better than the t-shirt Arthur had told him he liked while also trying to find clothes that would keep him warm and hoping one really didn't forget how to ice skate once learned.

It felt great, to be able to feel concerned of these kind of trivial things, maybe that was why Merlin loved their dates this much.

* * *

The ice rink was full. There were so many people that Arthur seriously doubted they would be let in, but after paying a small fee, the cashier indeed deemed they would fit in. Renting skates was pure luck, two of the last three pairs happened to fit them and even then, the pair Merlin rented were figure skates. Arthur looked at them pointedly, a comment of them being girl's skates on his tongue, but Merlin shrugged it off before Arthur could even open his mouth by telling him he had always gotten Will's cousin's old skates and besides those he had only tried Will's racing skates. He would just kill himself if he tried the hockey skates Arthur had rented for himself.

Even after saying that, on ice Merlin really surprised Arthur. After just few fumbling minutes Merlin seemed to find his rhythm. He could spin around in a middle of a movement and continue to skate backwards. He could skate around Arthur and turn as he pleased while Arthur had hard time controlling his movements. Sure he could skate and turn and stop so and so, but he had only skated when his school had dragged the whole class to an ice rink. Or had he gone with Morgana once or twice? he wasn't sure.

When Merlin chatted how different it was to skate in machine made ice compared to a naturally frozen lake, Arthur felt a bit jealous for he had never tried that until Merlin told him how it wasn't that often it could be done even if you happened to live by a lake. Most of the time it was too dangerous or too bumpy to even try. "Although Will and I used to go anyway. Once I had to carry Will home and dump him into a hot bath so he wouldn't freeze to death." Merlin laughed at the memory and Arthur tried to smile with him. It wasn't that the mental image wasn't funny, but...

All the feelings Arthur had for that must have shown in his face for Merlin soon got more serious and explained very carefully how they had been eleven and how Will had been fully clothed, with skates and all. Will's mother had gone crazy when she had found the scratches made by the skates.

"No, it's not that… I just wish I could have known you back then also." Arthur tried to explain, but even if Merlin nodded like he had understood and let the subject go, Arthur was still sure he hadn't been able to convince him of how much he would have liked to get to know Merlin when he had been living happily with his mother, be the way he had been meant to be. At times Arthur thought that Merlin was cute, or that he acted shy or that it was truly capturing how Merlin could appreciate things that Arthur didn't remember existed just to remember that it was not necessarily it. That he would maybe never be able to say that Merlin was shy by nature for there was no way of knowing how Merlin had been before... It saddened Arthur and even if meeting Will had given him some hope of that knowledge was not lost, he was still hit with a strong desire to go back in time and get to know Merlin without all of his protective walls and traumas. That of course on top of wanting to change so many other things. Even if he had tried to come to terms that he could do nothing for the past anymore, it still hurt from time to time.

The silence that followed Arthur's thoughts was not acceptable, so Arthur tried to compliment Merlin for once. "You do skate better than me..." He said very avare that he had not really found the right word, but even if Merlin tried to be modest and brush it off, Arthur could see how happy admitting that Merlin was actually better than him in one form of sport made him.

After that, they had the fun Arthur had wanted. Merlin taught him to skate backwards and that did require quite a lot of holding hands and at times Merlin even placed his hands on his waist to help Arthur keep his balance. At one point Arthur just tried to make Merlin lose his balance and even if they almost crashed to at least ten other people, they just kept laughing almost hysterically.

When Arthur started to see signs of tiredness in Merlin, he deemed it the time to go. When they got their skates of, Arthur's feet were ice cold and it felt weird to walk in normal shoes. Merlin seemed accustomed to that feeling and he laughed at Arthur's attempts to walk normally.

They didn't even reach the car before Merlin complained how hungry he was and Arthur seconded him without a joke. He suggested the Italian restaurant they had visited few times and to his delight Merlin was very happy to go there. It was good because Arthur had thought of going to somewhere anyway.

The restaurant too, was quite full, it was friday after all, but they managed to get a table. Arthur ordered what he always did and Merlin took his time on deciding what to eat. It was just… Arthur had no words for it. Being with Merlin like this was like a happiness overflow. He didn't even care where he was or what he was doing, the important thing was that he was with Merlin and that they were alone.

* * *

Merlin had to be careful not to show to the whole world how excited he was. He loved every single one of his dates with Arthur and to him it seemed like every single one was better than the last one had been. Right now, the date he was currently having was the best yet. He could have maybe listed some reasons why. How for example Arthur had actually picked an activity Merlin was better than him or how they were now in his favourite restaurant in the whole world, but those things didn't really matter. What mattered was how Arthur was focusing just on him, how he was smiling and seemingly having fun and how Merlin felt comfortable with himself.

Merlin was almost there to place his hand on the table in hope that Arthur would take a hold of it when Oliver appeared. "Arthur! Merlin! What brings you here?" Merlin looked stiffly at Oliver who stood up from his table leaving a pretty brunette to wait for him. Merlin still had his hands safely on his lap, but when Oliver approached, he sat on top of them. What had he been thinking?! It was friday and now that he looked around, he noticed that many of the tables were filled with couples. Besides, it was a popular restaurant near many well of areas, so naturally most of their school population lived nearby!

"Oliver, how are you doing?" Arthur asked as if nothing was out of place and Merlin really felt jealous of his ability to stay this calm in every situation. "Good, as you can see." He grinned and nudged his head towards the table he just came from. "You on the other hand are just sad. Not getting anyone else to date you than Merlin here?" Oliver asked clearly not aware that they really were on a date but his words made Merlin fidget. Arthur on the other hand didn't mind. "Merlin is a far better date that you could ever get." He said grinning making Oliver laugh. "Alright, whatever keeps you going man, Merlin, don't let him take advantage of you!" Oliver said laughing and returned to his table.

Arthur smiled at his friend's back. It was great to be able to say that he was on a date with Merlin even if he knew Oliver had taken it as a joke. He was about to comment on how Oliver should really be jealous of them for he was fairly sure that the girl Oliver was sitting with was actually his cousin, but then he saw Merlin's face. He had been happy and carefree and his posture had been relaxed a moment ago, but now he looked jumpy and like he had shut a part of himself down. That truly saddened Arthur.

Would Merlin ever want to tell Arthur's friends that they were dating? He had of course just told to his best friend and that meant a world to Arthur, but he had never actually heard Merlin call him his boyfriend, he mostly circled around the word and let those who knew assume themselves. Arthur knew what he was afraid of course, but… was it really all?

Arthur was in love with Merlin with his whole being, he couldn't think that there wasn't something, anything he wouldn't gladly lose if it was for Merlin. There was no doubt where he stood and most of the time Arthur felt confident he knew how Merlin felt too, but this was one of the moments when insecurity tried to eat its way to Arthur's heart. Merlin had been through alot and in just months Arthur had seen so much progress, so many ways Merlin had gotten better, healthier and more like himself. Sometimes… just sometimes Merlin was still a mystery to Arthur and when he dived into his mind, a glass of tonic water in his hand and looked Arthur like he was trying to understand something bigger about the universe, it made Arthur nervous. Was it possible that someday Merlin would find what he seemed to be thinking and leave Arthur? Would there be a day when Merlin told him that he was sorry, but in all what had happened he had confused his feelings for Arthur? Was he already thinking that a possibility and that was why he didn't want that many people really knowing they were dating?

Arthur dismissed those thoughts the second time today. He hated how hard it was to stay confident in a relationship like this. Even if it was Merlin who he felt he knew best in this world... Or maybe that was why these thoughts hurt so much. He tried to act like nothing was bothering him at all and brushed Oliver's appearance off. He told Merlin how he was just a blabbermouth and changed the subject hoping that this one time Oliver would stay where he was seated and not be the social, smiley, person who always wanted everybody to have fun together.

To his luck, their food came soon after and it seemed that Oliver and his cousin had something important to do judging by the amounts of papers and weirdly serious expressions on their table.

The food was excellent and it seemed to brighten Merlin up again. They had good, normal fun, but in a way Arthur knew that their date had been ruined by Oliver. He had hoped to let their legs touch under the table and maybe even walk back to the car hand in hand… but Merlin was sitting his legs under his chair and his arms as close to his body as humanly possible while eating and Arthur knew there was no way he would get the chance to make the setting even remotely romantic before Merlin had closed their front door behind them.

However, when Merlin went to bathroom, Oliver and his cousin started to pack their things and on his way, Oliver came to talk with Arthur again. "You know, it's rare to see Merlin like that. He's usually so serious..." He said as a passing by comment. it kind of flattered Arthur, but not really because 'that' wasn't even near Merlin's best. He felt that he needed to speak for Merlin.

"He's like that all the time, he's just focused when he works..." Arthur wasn't even sure what he was trying to get across, but Oliver wasn't that serious. "Oh no, not with me! I'm sure he doesn't want me near. Once he actually hissed when I took one of his folders. Hissed!" Oliver replied cheerfully, but Arthur could tell he needed some sort of reassurance that Merlin didn't actually hate him.

"Well, that's a normal reaction of seeing you." He said for he knew from experience that Oliver reacted to jokes the best. "Yeah, thanks man!" Oliver laughed sarcastically and patted Arthur's back. "You tell hi to Merlin and see you both on monday." Oliver waved him goodbye and left. Arthur waved at him lazily knowing he had managed to act normal and also reassure Oliver that there was nothing wrong with him. When Merlin exited the bathroom and seemingly relaxed when he noticed that Oliver was gone, Arthur just wished he could show everyone who Merlin really was.

On their way back home Merlin fell asleep. It was almost endearing how his mouth was slightly open and his head was wobbling with the car's movements. Arthur couldn't stop smiling and even if he knew better than to touch Merlin in any way when they were in a car, he decided to hug him as soon as he woke up.

He woke Merlin up by gently calling his name and when Merlin did, he leaned in for a small kiss. Merlin did glance at their surroundings briefly, almost lazily, but he answered the kiss and Arthur decided to just be happy, there was no point in worrying and maybe when Merlin got whatever he was thinking in that head of his, maybe the answer he would find would be that he too wanted to be open about their relationship.

* * *

When they woke up in the morning, Hunith had already made them breakfast and sandwiches to eat on the road. She was obviously nervous for the same things Merlin was. How would seeing Morgana affect Arthur? Was there anything at all she could do to help? Was she worrying too much? and then there was some concerns Merlin didn't share, but could understand very well.

It had been Hunith's idea that they spend the night anyway. It was their last weekend before the school would start and she had thought it a great idea to find a hotel or bed and breakfast and just go see sights and eat something nice, have fun together. What neither she or Merlin had said out loud, was that if Arthur and Morgana didn't get along, at least Arthur wouldn't have to drive back home and admit it in the same day. This way, the two hours to there and two more back wouldn't feel a wasted trip in any case.

Hunith fused around them and reminded them to call her when they got there, when they knew where they would be staying and if they just wanted to chat or needed anything or… the list went on and she only stopped when it was time for them to leave and even then, to hug them both. It was almost a bit annoying really, but Merlin knew how much he had been craving for affection like this for years and in a way even the small annoyed feeling behind liking the attention and being embarrassed by it, was something Merlin could feel grateful of. It was bit like the date thing. He was slowly but surely finding a state of mind where the colour of his shirt and a protective mother were his normal source of teenage angst. Life couldn't get better than this really.

Arthur had been sure he would be stressing the meeting the whole way, but Merlin's company and driving was a pleasant combination and in a way he would not rather have been anywhere else. Merlin seemed pretty happy to get to see new places and they talked about where they should visit and where they could stay, Arthur even suggested they could drive along the coast line a bit tomorrow to see some nearby towns. Arthur also learned something new about Merlin: he had never seen the sea.

That surprised Arthur, he had thought that not seeing a sea was an urban legend, something that only happened if you really lived in a country with no coastline at all or in a big enough country that one was really living in a middle of a continent. Even then it seemed foreign to Arthur and Merlin's home village couldn't have been more than two hundred kilometers from the sea. However Merlin just shrugged and told Arthur that he hadn't been in a city either before they moved here, so…

It wasn't an answer Arthur wanted to accept, but he let it go. They would definitely see the sea today and maybe that would help Arthur to deduce if Merlin was interested in travelling more. They could go to trips more often if that was so, maybe on Easter holidays they could go with Hunith to a longer trip? That awoke a question if Merlin had ever been abroad and their destination really seemed to be there too quickly.

It was very hard to find a free parking space even remotely near the cafe Morgana had invited them to and when they had driven around the block twice Arthur found the stress he had momentarily forgotten. Merlin obviously wanted to help, but well, in this he was useless (it wasn't like he could turn into an open parking lot) which didn't help Arthur's stress levels.

It was only half an hour to the agreed time when Arthur finally found an open spot. By the time he had parked, he had also completely lost the track of where the cafe was and that made his stress peak, he couldn't be late of this!

But that was when Merlin just said "Come on...", took his hand and started to pull him to a direction of a small park. Arthur was ready to blow up right them, but the way Merlin was walking in front of him, still holding his hand and walking like he knew what he was doing made Arthur calm down. Of course he would kill Merlin if he managed to get them even more lost, but the moment the park ended, Arthur too knew where they were again and something like an utter relief washed over him. He squeezed Merlin's hand gratefully before they entered the cafe. They still had almost twenty minutes to spare when they found themselves an open table with four chairs.

Arthur went to buy them some tea (which had a calming effect to him too nowadays) and muffins with cherries, nuts and dark chocolate that looked delicious, while Merlin seated himself so he was against a corner. He didn't look nearly as fidgety now compared to how Arthur felt himself. As he sat next to Merlin, Arthur took a deep breath and made himself calm down. His rock was there just next to him and he had gotten himself worked up for nothing. They still had time and everything was still alright.

* * *

A/N Hello! I am officially burried in school work. I... have done this to myself, really. I have used far too much time to do well, this story + some other non-school related stuff during this autumn and I have to work night and day in order to get this year done.

That said, I am still writing. I have sketched four chapters after this one and I have written the next and half of the one after that. But... it is hideously slow for me to get them the way I want them to be without a beta and my brain full of words like 'rivastigmine' 'Anticholinergic' and 'Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease' are circling around in my brain. And yes, I have to read some of this s*** in english... In a nutshell, my concentration in not at its best right now.

So... I kind of told myself that since this story is kind of complited, I can update when I'm ready to do so. So, once again, I am truly sorry that the future chapters will take time, but I will update to my profile page an estimation of how much I have written of the next chapter everytime I make process, so if you want, you can go and see once in a while how I am doing from my pfofile page.

And of course, so many thanks for those who reviewed, It really is very important to get comments and I have to say that I really like this fanfiction commutiny that encourages and gives suggestions to each others. I have learned a lot during this time I have been writing this story and I have actually gotten better with english and writing in general. Please, keep the feed back coming, I would really love to learn more :)

mersan123 Hi! Thank you :) Morgana and Arthur... they are progressing, but as we saw in this chapter, Morgana is a mess. We will get back to that, I promise ;) The party was indeed a huge succes, to the football team, it was a huge thing, Merlin invited them! He liked them after all! (because they all like Merlin, who wouldn't like Merlin, but he has never seemed to be too friendly... :( ) Will, awesome you liked Will :) he really is a true friend. In the show he covered for Merlin even when he was dying and he joked and encouraged Merlin about his magic when he could. I loved that and well, this is what I transformed it to be. I'm so glad you liked it :) And yep, I too think that we all need a friend like him in our lives. Merlin has an amazing suppor group behind him and that gave him courage to talk with Will, who was so important to him and now that Will is a part of his support group... that is a healing step indeed. :) We are now in the part of positive chapters, but that one was really one of my personal favourites. I hope you will enjoy the following Uther-free and healing filled chapters too! Have a great day!

blue-analytic Thanks :) Awesome that you liked the chapter and it's a great compliment for me what you thought about scenes that could have been normal/boring, I think I'm howering on that border quite often, so that you think that I have managed to turn some of that to amusing, I'm very happy to hear that :) And I might have said it before, but realistic is my goal, so it alwasy makes me happy when someone tells me how a scene is beliveable :) Also it's great to know you are still enjoying the story! it is very much alright not to review every time, I'm very thrilled of what I get and so many thanks for you have review so many chapters already. You too, have a nice day and hopefully see you again! :)

Angel Dove1 :D Ah, I'm so glad I was able to make you laugh! And thank you, I was a bit pleased how I wrote will and Merlin, but it's so great to hear you loved them! I really wanted to get the brotherly feeling in between them, how Merlin can't even think of Will being anything else than his friend/brother to the extend where they can even joke about it and Merlin's sexuality and stuff... So happy you got that feeling and enjoyed it too :) Ah, the juggling, I laughed so much when I saw the episode! And then afterwards when Arthur threw is boots at Merlin and told him to explain how he could juggle but not catch those... It was just priceless :D (I might have a continuation for this joke later... ;)) And Gwaine's entrance... I only had so little time for him in this chapter, but I'm a bit happy about that small moment too :P I love writing about Gwaine, he's just funny. I can so imagine Gwaine getting waisted on his seventeenth birthday :P Just seconds after Arthur had dropped the nuts on his plate and yealled for Merlin, I'm sure he looked after Arthur knowingly and told about it to Percy (who was btw talking with Lance about something... I seriously didn't have much time for those three :( ) Morgana... Well, this whole chapter was about her and she was kind of all over the place, but her story will be told better soon ;) Oh! About Arthur being like 'I'm not gay, Merlin is.' I have this sketch of a future setting (that I'm not going to write because reasons) that basically is when Arthur is already a cop and he has this teenager causing real trouble and so the police is involved and one of the kids lash out and needs to be really arrested and when Arthur (with Leon) gets him to the station and try to talk with him, he basically thows at them how nothing really matters anyway because his parents will hate him either way and his friends too. Arthur manages to dig it out from him that he's gay and he assures hm that it's not the end of the world. The kid goes 'it's not like you know anything about it, or are you one too' and Arthur is like 'no' (Leon is like 'what the F') the kid looks like he's going to say something but Arthur continues before he can 'but my boyfriend is' and the kid is like 'o.O'. And then the situation resolves itself to quite a happy ending. ... yeah... i have too much free time apparently. Or at least I had during summer.. :P Great that you told me about your views, I have to say I agree to what you wrote about brothers, I too, have friends that are closer to me than my actual siblings, but it's a funny thing what knowing we are blood related does to me. It's just that knowledge and it makes me view them differently. They irritate me while anyone else wouldn't and they feel important when nobody else would. It's a bizare feeling. Also even if some of them are really not there for me, I feel that it hurts in a whole different level compared to a friend who isn't there for me for example. And there is just something that really would prevent me to fall in love with any of them... That is also very interesting for me. I know what you mean when you said that when one's heart starts to beat faster and every thought is nothing but that person, like in my story Merlin and Arthur, but at least to me, it just wouldn't be possible with my siblings. Any of them. It was this one time I was with my sister in a party and near midnight I started to feel really tired and I just casually used her as a pillow. You know like 'it's your fault I'm still here, make yourself useful and be a pillow' kind of way. (she's older than me and she was driving) I was almost asleep when some of my sister's friends were like 'Oh my God! Do you see that?! (My sister's name) over there... I didn't know she was dating!' And me and my sister had this small pause and then we looked at each others utterly disturbed and my sisterer practically threw me to floor and we both shuddered and went 'ewwww!' very loudly until those idiots got that we were siblings. *Shudders* never again... Ok, this reply is very, very long... I should stop not, but really, it was so great to read your thoughts and sorry for this long ranting... :P Oh, I promise to tell when I reach the last chapter, this is not it either :)

Greedy Reader Me too, mee too. I have days when I have no idea what day it is and what time it is... That one gets for working irregular hours I guess... I'm so happy that you liked Will in my story! I'm actually quite pleased myself how I wrote their relationship and yeah, they really are like brothers, aren't they? I really loved your analysis of their relationship and now that I read it, you are so right. There is really no-one who knows Merlin like Will, even Arthur can just wish that he had known how Merlin was before this all and even Merlin himself... he can't remember really that well how he used to wiew thing before Uther and he has no idea how he would be now if he had never gone through something like that, but Will can. Because he really knows Merlin and his views has not been meneded with time, but rather suddenly. That was really also why Will was the one to know how Merlin had felt at the time it all happened. I knew there was a reason why I wanted Will to be the one who told Merlin he would have done the same! With him Merlin can almost start from here they were left, that is truly great. And jealous Arthur... I had so much fun with that idea :D Jealousy is not by any means a good emotion in a relationship, but in this case I think it's accptable ;) I'm so thrilled that this chapter was your favourite, it's one of my personal favourites too :) And then lastly, Morgana. Well, she was quite a lot in this chapter, right? Well, she is kind of all over the place, but I will write her in the next chapter and then in one more later on and it will be explained what she has gone through the last couple of years, so bear with her. I'm a sucker for happy endings, so she will get better with time :)

Kao No worries, sounds vey unfortunate situation, I kind of have those themes in my autumn too... sick and busy, sigh... But great you like the full and these extra chapters I'm writing :) You made my day. As you might have noticed, I'm kind of going backwards with Morgana: the first time we saw her, she was very fourth season and now... well, she's slowly turning back to what she was and we will see more of he. I do have a back story for her written already ;)

Lavitar So great to hear compliment like this! Thank you so much! I had to check which chapter was 24, but of course it was the one with Merlin finaly telling Gaius and Gwaine (a bit anyway...)! I loved writing those scenes and I'm thrilled to hear you liked them :) Actually... I haven't posted the one of Lance's class... I really should, shouldn't I? Alright, since you too asked, I will write it during Christmas holidays. I promise! it was truly marvelous to get a comment for a chapter I posted a while ago, especially for one of my personal favourites. Comments for the latest chapters are what keep me writing on, but you made me feel that this story doesn't just dissappear into some dark corner of the internet after I move to the next chapter, so, a huge thank you! I hope you will enjoy the rest and get a bit of sleep in the middle ;)


	51. Chapter 51 - Morgana

It was almost an hour later when Morgana actually appeared. She was so much late that Arthur had started to get depressed at the thought that his sister wouldn't come after all. Her phone had been off when Arthur had finally tried calling her about half an hour ago and Merlin had started to converse about how much there was to see in this city soon after that. Like he was trying to make Arthur think they had actually come here to see sights.

Now that Morgana was actually by the counter ordering coffee for her and her companion, a woman with blond curly hair, Arthur wasn't sure if Merlin was happy to see her or not. He himself felt very much relieved, but this surely was not going to go well. Morgana had gone through the same upbringing of the importance of being polite and on time than he had and he knew how the way Morgana didn't act sorry at all for being late made him feel like. Morgana didn't care that she had made him wait and that translated to that she didn't respect him or his effort.

Morgana sat down in front of Arthur without even greeting him first. She was again wearing way too much makeup, it actually looked worse now that Arthur was able to see it up close, and her black dress looked like it had been made to look old on purpose. Her companion sat down next to her. She didn't seem that interested of Arthur, Merlin or the outcome of this meeting, but that could just the way she wanted to come out as for she didn't seem like a person who would do something that held no interest to her.

"Good day little brother. How was your trip?" Morgana started. Her expression was unreadable, but Arthur immediately acknowledged how this wasn't a good day. She was in a seriously foul mood. Arthur had no idea how she normally looked like, maybe this dark look was her normal look, but her tone was cold and defensive and if that wasn't a dead give away, then the way she was calling him 'little brother' was. Arthur had really hoped they had been past that.

"It was fine, I had Merlin here to keep me company." Arthur answered the question calmly, keeping his tone what he hoped was soft, understanding and above all, polite. He couldn't let Morgana intimidate him now, but he desperately hoped she would calm down eventually. He really didn't want Merlin to see her like this, it was embarrassing. Somehow it felt to him, that if Morgana couldn't act properly, Merlin would judge him on her behalf.

Morgana looked at Merlin like she had just noticed him and Arthur actually wished he had not said anything about Merlin. Morgana's expression was almost predatory. Arthur also looked at Merlin slightly alarmed and not sure what to expect, but Merlin answered Morgana's stare with cold calmness. Or maybe not calmness, Arthur could read Merlin better than anyone and he could see that Merlin didn't feel alright of being looked like that, but most of all… he seemed irritated. The way his jaw was set reminded Arthur a bit of the way Merlin looked their classmate Cedric, who Merlin had never liked. Merlin wasn't afraid of Morgana, more like he hoped he would not need to talk to her, preferably ever.

"It's good that you have company, I'm not sure how much time I have to spare for you." Morgana's voice snapped Arthur's concentration and he again looked at Morgana who was now looking Arthur just as keenly. This was… frustrating to say the least. This was like talking in phone with his sister, not knowing if they would be talking more than two minutes. Morgana didn't seem to give any appreciation to the fact that they had driven over two hours to even get here. Arthur wasn't sure what he had expected.

"Well, I'll be happy with the time you can spare. We had planned on seeing a bit of this town anyway. Umm, who is your friend?" Arthur swallowed everything that threatened to surface and tried his hardest to stay neutral. He felt a bitter feeling spreading to his insides. He truly started to feel disappointed not just of this meeting but of his sister as well. Had Morgana really changed this much...

"Oh, she's more than a friend, but that holds very little interest to you." Morgana answered in a way that translated to Arthur 'I'm not going to tell you even if you ask'. This was… hard. He could feel the sister he had once had and she was the only sister he got. She was being so… unreasonable, but still Arthur felt he needed to do everything, he would even beg and plead, he wanted this to work. Oh, how easy it would be to just say 'alright, we'll meet when you can act like you too want it', but that really wasn't an option was it? He just couldn't risk this. Not for his pride, not for his comfort or even if Morgana was being almost as abusive as their father had been towards him.

"Morgause. Nice to meet you." The blond woman broke whatever awkward moment they were sharing and offered her hand. Arthur took it. Her handshake was very firm. Morgana shot her a slightly annoyed look, but Morgause didn't seem interested of that either and she also shook Merlin's hand. Merlin didn't say anything and that translated to Arthur 'If I talk, I will say something sarcastic, so I'll just keep my mouth shut.' and Arthur felt oddly thankful of that. At least someone was on his side here.

"So… how did you two meet?" Arthur decided to try his luck and when Morgana shrugged, he knew that at least this was familiar to her also, his annoying baby brother asking her to tell about a thing or the other until she gave. "We live together." was the short reply and Arthur suddenly remembered how Morgana had told in the court how she had kissed a girl to make their father angry. He had gotten the impression that she had done it just on that purpose and nothing else, but was that all? Well, maybe they were roommates and for some reason that seemed to fit a bit better, but what did Arthur know? Maybe, just maybe there was something more common to him and his sister than Arthur had thought?

"Well, it's a pleasure meeting you. I think you look a bit familiar… did you also go to our school?" Arthur asked trying to sound supportive either way. It didn't surprise him much that it was Morgause who answered. "No, but we have met. I guess you would recognize me better if I had braids." She said and now she actually sounded a lot more interested in being here than Morgana. Still Arthur was quite sure he didn't remember anyone like her- no wait! Braids she said and when Morgause pulled her hair to where her braids would have been, Arthur saw a snippet of a girl at least twice his age at the time, running towards a neon yellow ball like a wind and slide in front of Arthur, a blond braid almost hitting Arthur in the face. A laugh of succeed and mud on her face and shorts, they had been in the same football team!

"I remember you! You look… very different." Arthur felt funnily excited now that he remembered even if they had never talked that much. Morgause laughed a bit. "You mean you didn't recognise me because nowadays I look and dress like a girl?" She asked and she wasn't too far from the truth. Even if she was wearing trousers and a dress shirt, she still looked a lot more ladylike than the wild girl Arthur remembered. Actually, she looked better than Morgana did at the moment. "Let's say I would not have thought you wore earrings at the time." He replied with a grin which Morgause answered. This gave Arthur a bit of confidence and he looked at his sister who had pressed her lips tightly together. Arthur's smile faltered. Really, why was Morgana making this so damn hard?

"So… are you both studying in university?" Arthur asked hoping to involve Morgana in an easier conversation and hiding how hard it felt to continue… whatever this was. Morgause nodded, but clearly cave Morgana room to answer herself. "Yes, she studies politics and I… well, I'm just studying this and that, what I feel like at the moment." Morgause seemed to be a bit disappointed at Morgana's answer and Arthur started to worry if she didn't want to tell that much to him either. He really felt insufficient at the moment.

"But you, you must be striving for something, something much more intelligent, dear brother." Morgana continued and Arthur was officially fed up with this 'dear brother' -crap. "I do have a goal, but I don't think I will need to get to university for that." he replied and watched Morgana grow a bit interested at last. "Oh? But I should have expected that, I think I was always the most intelligent one of the two of us. You see, I had no trouble of getting into university."

It was almost like she was trying to pick a fight with Arthur now, and Arthur had next to none willpower to resist that. "Well, I would find it pointless to go to university if I had no goal in my studies." he said and watched Morgana's blood pressure rise. "So you are saying your life is 'so much more focused', so very much planned compared to mine? Is that so?" Her tone was pure poison now and Arthur almost regretted that he had deliberately tried to step on her toes. Almost.

"I wouldn't know because you never tell me how you are doing! Even now I don't know what you are actually studying." he answered very much sure he would regret this later. He almost expected to feel a kick from Merlin, but it never came. Actually… why hadn't it come already? Normally Merlin let him know if he was acting like an ass, so why not now?

Arthur glanced at Merlin and he looked… hard. Almost intimidating, he was mad, truly mad at the moment and Arthur seriously had to fight an urge to lean back. He had never seen Merlin like this. Or maybe once, that morning when he had asked Merlin if his father had been hard on him. The day they had first kissed.

"Merlin, was it? I see my brother has lowered his standards… Or are you maybe our new step brother? If so, I can see why my brother took a pity on you." Morgana's attention had clearly shifted on Merlin and Arthur felt something sour rise inside of him. This was vile on Morgana's part.

"I wish you wouldn't talk to Merlin like that." He said darkly. He could take whatever Morgana threw at him, but she had no right to pick on Merlin. That Arthur would not tolerate. Morgana looked at him confused, the first honest expression Arthur had seen yet.

"What happened to you Morgana?" he asked before Morgana had the chance to do much else than stare. "You used to be so kind and compassionate." He couldn't do this. he couldn't pretend that everything was alright. They had been family, the only family Arthur had known in his childhood. They had been close and they had fallen appat, but right now, Morgana was being unreasonable, unfair and mean. It wasn't that Arthur hadn't been able to communicate, Morgause's reply and Merlin's reaction had given him that much, it was that Morgana was refusing to meet him in the middle.

Morgana scowled, but kept a posture where she could look down on Arthur. "I grew up." she spat and crossed her arms. Arthur was about to try and reason with her, growing up didn't mean that one had to stop showing care for others, but it seemed Merlin had reached his snapping point.

"No, you are continuing to build your life the way that would make Uther angry." He said with a sure voice and even Arthur flinched. He hadn't heard his father's name spoken since the trial, but Morgana was way more affected. "Don't mention his name!" she hissed warningly, but Merlin was not affected. "For what? It's over. He's not here. You are only wasting our time, you life by trying to convince us that you are nothing like him." Merlin had risen his voice and his tone was definitive. Arthur knew he could be the king for Merlin and still he would have no chance of saying anything back to that tone. Even Morgana was caping.

"Why do you keep on shutting a person who has without a second thought come all the way here only hoping to have a decent conversation with you? Surely this is not who you are?" Merlin continued and gestured towards Arthur, with no signs of doubt in his tone but this time Morgana was ready.

"What do you know? This golden boy here hasn't have any hardship! He has always been what that man wanted him to be. He didn't suffer like we did, don't you hate him for that?" She threw at Merlin and Arthur found himself really scared. This question, he had asked it from himself so many times and now… It hurt like a knife to hear Morgana say it, but if Merlin as much as hesitated, it would be far worse.

"Never. he saved me. In so many ways even before he knew. I love him." Merlin's said, his voice clear and without a pause or hesitation. His expression was cold, but Arthur felt a suffocating warmth just to remember how hurt he had felt when Morgana started to laugh.

Her laugh wasn't pleasant. It was cold and sarcastic and it got louder and louder. "Oh dear brother… this s rich! You hear him? You knew about this?" Morgana laughed on and Arthur frowned. This was not something he had wanted and if Morgana would continue like this, Arthur would be happy to cut his ties with her. _This_ wasn't worth it.

"Of course." He replied with finality in his tone. If Morgana couldn't understand his and Merlin's relationship, Then Arthur would stop trying. Right now. And it would be Morgana's decision.

Morgana leaned her elbows to the table and she rested her forehead to them in order to control her laughter. It took a while before she managed to speak again. "Does dear father know about this? That you! His dearest son is living with a queer… Or could it be that you are a queer with him?"

Arthur was about to snap, right at that comment, but Merlin rose his arm just in front of Arthur's chest and that effectively cut out everything Arthur had been going to say. He could just stare at the hand a bit disbelievingly. Morgana seemed to find his hesitation amusing. "You are, aren't you? Or maybe it's just pity even if I wouldn't call that exactly healthy."

"Is that what you or Uther think?" Merlin asked evenly before Arthur could even get what Morgana was implying and Morgana reacted before Arthur understood what Merlin was saying. She stood up, her chair screeching. "Seriously, I want to know if you think that I deserve what was done to you, because I'm gay, or a queer as you said." Merlin continued calmly, too calmly and Morgana almost shook with rage. Arthur was sure she would leave and he was ready to feel the hurt and the pain of losing her while he also knew it would be a relieve to see her gone, but then all of a sudden, she seemed to crumble and she sat down again.

"No..." She breather again leaning her elbows to the table. She seemed fragile all of a sudden and Arthur had no idea of what to do. He felt helpless and he tried to figure out what he was supposed to do, but he found nothing. When Merlin sighed and rose up from his seat, Arthur could just watch. He had no idea what Merlin was going to do and when he followed him with his gaze, he saw that Morgana had no idea either. She looked almost scared and for a second there Arthur was ready to stop Merlin, but then he bend and hugged Morgana.

"I know how you are feeling." he said quietly and Morgana broke down right then. She crumbled and she just started to sob against Merlin's shoulder. Merlin looked somewhere far away not seeing anything really and he didn't seem to notice that Morgana was wetting his shirt. She clinged to Merlin's shirt and soon she was crying. Arthur still had no idea of what to do. He looked at Morgause for help, but she too looked helpless. Just until she also looked at Arthur in the eyes and she seemed to let go of something. Suddenly she looked older and tired. Arthur didn't really understand how this all seemed to her or what she was thinking, but to him it started to seem that Morgause hadn't liked how this meeting had gone so far either and that to her, even her roommate bursting to tear was better than where it all had been going.

Merlin held Morgana in a position that couldn't be comfortable to him, but he didn't seem to mind. He held on until Morgana's tears died down and only then he pulled a chair from the table next to them so he could sit next to Morgana who hadn't let go of Merlin's shirt.

"I- I'm sorry. I don't care if you are homosexual." Morgana said sounding almost shy and Morgause grinned before she excused herself to buy some more coffee for all of them. Merlin just nodded and Arthur couldn't help but fall for Merlin just a little bit more. He looked somehow stronger than he remembered him ever looking and Arthur remembered how strong Merlin actually was. He had gotten used to how Merlin had gotten so much better and he had forgotten that it had only been half an year. For Morgana it had been what, seven years and she was obviously not alright, but Merlin… he had so much more to spare compared to Morgana it seemed. Maybe Arthur should have been more forgiving towards Morgana after all?

By the time Morgause returned, Morgana's face had relaxed. There was no sneer on her face anymore and even if her makeup was running and her eyes were red, she looked… prettier. More like Arthur had imagined she would look like and when she spoke, her voice sounded more like Arthur had remembered it had used to sound.

"How long… can you stay?" she asked and to Arthur her words sounded like hope of being a family after all. "We planned on leaving tomorrow, so we are not in a hurry." He said hoping Morgana could stay after all. "Then… maybe you could visit our home tomorrow?" she asked. Her 'maybe' wasn't a part of a 'maybe, if I happen to feel like you are worth my time' like it usually had been and Arthur had to concentrate on answering and not thanking Merlin for he had obviously managed to do what Arthur hadn't.

"That would be a pleasure." He said without hesitation and when Morgana nodded against Merlin's shoulder looking almost relieved and only partly unsure, Arthur started to feel that there really was hope in them. "If you come around lunch time I could cook you something..." Morgana continued and Arthur blinked few times. "That sounds… good." he managed almost naturally, but Morgana actually looked at his eyes and a small amused smile started to tug her lips. "Don't you mean 'weird'?" She asked and Arthur just felt how tense his shoulders had been when he they fully relaxed.

"Yeah… I never knew you could cook." He said with a small smile. Morgana shrugged as much as she could being still held by Merlin. "One learns many skills while living alone." She answered earning an eye roll from Morgause. "Or not alone, but her choice of cooking is to order take out." Morgana continued without even glancing at Morgause and Arthur remembered that he had been curious of their relationship.

Morgana had turned to look at Merlin and she seemed to hesitate on something, but before she could say anything, Merlin patted her shoulder gently and said softly "It's alright, I don't mind." Even Arthur wasn't sure what, but Morgana relaxed again and didn't let go of Merlin's shirt. If something, she clung to it more tightly. That scene was so much. It was almost painfully moving to see his boyfriend hold her sister like that, but in some corner of his mind Arthur couldn't help but feel a bit glad that Merlin was gay. He tried not to think how Merlin would never sit like that with him in a cafe.

"So, um, are you together?" Morgana's voice cut into Arthur's thoughts, but there was no accusation in her tone and Arthur felt very good to nod and say "Yes, I hope it's not a problem." He knew he should have been the bigger person here and use a different choice of words or even just a bit softer tone, but he really couldn't. He needed to hear it right now, that Morgana accepted them.

"It's not a problem." She answered without even blinking, her voice a bit sad, almost timid. Maybe she could now see how important this was to Arthur. "I guess you never told to that man?" She continued after a very short hesitation. That Morgana now referred Uther as 'that man' didn't go unnoticed by Arthur. "No, but he doesn't matter anymore." He said firmly. It seemed to be the right answer because Morgana looked at him with her eyes open and full of something that almost resembled longing before she nodded and said "ok..." with a shaky voice before burying her face to Merlin's shirt and starting to sob again.

A waitress who asked if everything was alright and a refill to their drinks later, their conversation finally started to roll like Arthur had hoped it would. Morgana finally told him where she lived, she confessed that she didn't have a car nor license and that she actually had a career plan, she just… alright, it was business, she was going to major in business. To Arthur that sounded great and he tried his best to tell that to his sister. Maybe a bit too eagerly because Morgana looked a bit ashamed and Arthur could tell she knew that Arthur knew she hated herself a little bit for going down the same path their father had.

The whole time they were in the cafe, Merlin never let go of Morgana. Maybe he knew it calmed Morgana down and the way Morgana rested her head on Merlin's shoulder seconded that. Arthur knew he had no way of thanking Merlin enough for how patient he was being with Morgana and how gentle he was being, but mixed with the other hundred feelings he was feeling today was slight envy towards Morgana for being so close to Merlin and he longed to hug Merlin too. However, when Morgana started to ask questions about Arthur's life and Arthur managed to make her laugh, he knew he could wait. He still had a little bit of strength left.

"Hah! Remember the days that I could still beat you?" Morgana challenged him when Arthur told her he was the captain of the school's football team. "That never happened." Arthur had passed the point where he dared to tease and joke with his sister again and that made him extremely happy. "Whatever you say Arthur…" Morgana replied rolling her eyes. "He just doesn't want to admit his defeat in front of his boyfriend." Morgana turned her head on Merlin's shoulder addressing the words to Merlin who spoke for the first time since Morgana had apologised to him "Yeah, he's a sore loser. You should see when we play scrabble…" Merlin's tone was light and Arthur looked in disbelief when Morgana laughed at that softly.

For quite a time this kind of conversation held, but it was evident that Morgana had some subjects that made her angry or snappy very easily. They held very little logic to Arthur, but it somehow felt now that he could learn, Morgana was giving him the space to do so. Merlin seemed to know better what to say and he more than once kind of explained what Arthur meant. That could on occasion get this quiet and thinking look from Morgana before she continued with an entirely different subject.

In time however Morgana seemed to grow more irritated and unreasonable and when she snapped to the waitress who came to ask them very politely if any of them wanted anything, Morgause told kind of firmly that it was their time to go.

To that Morgana reacted by looking almost ashamed of herself, like she wanted to say something to Arthur, but in the end she just reminded him to be on time tomorrow. Merlin didn't hesitate on telling that they had been the one's early today to which Morgana answered that she could hardly be late from her own home. It should have been funny, but somehow it wasn't. Still mentioning her home, made Arthur almost giddy inside and he wanted to hug his sister, but he didn't dare. If Morgana was even remotely like Merlin had been, she would need her space and Arthur would just make her uncomfortable if he suddenly got physical.

It was almost six o'clock when they stepped out of the cafe. Arthur had been talking with his sister for almost four hours which was more than they had communicated in the last five years combined. There had been so many emotions and there was so much to remember and think and … but when Morgana said her goodbyes and disappeared in between some buildings, Arthur just felt like he didn't want her to go. The same childish need to cling to her that he had felt when Morgana had closed their front door behind her that one summer day a large suitcase on tow. She had never done more for moving, she had left most of her belongings behind. Right now it gave Arthur great comfort that they would see again tomorrow.

"So, do you have a place to stay yet?" Morgause asked breaking the moment. Arthur was quite surprised to see her standing there, next to Merlin. Even if he had just watched Morgana go, he hadn't paid any attention if she had gone alone or with Morgause, he had just kind of assumed they had gone together.

"Uh, no, but I have a map here..." He answered and tried to find the map Hunith and Merlin had marked with the places they had found just to realise that Merlin was already opening it. Arthur must have left it in the car and Merlin must have picked it up after him.

"I know a nice place in a good location with breakfast included. It's nearby the sea boulevard. I could drive you there." Morgause offered and Arthur immediately agreed and thanked her. It would have taken them quite a while to find and decide on where to stay after all and Arthur really didn't feel like going through the trouble. And if the sea was nearby, the place would be perfect anyway.

Morgause was a very smooth driver and she and Arthur soon found a conversation about cars that almost made Merlin's ears fall of just to avoid utter boredom. When they had talked about cars they had, had driven or their friends had and Arthur actually just spotted a car that to Merlin seemed big and grey and asked what Morgause thought of it, Merlin decided that he would rather ask uncomfortable questions than listen anymore of this.

"What are you to Morgana? I know she implied that you are dating, but obviously you are not." He said talking directly on top of Arthur whose mouth seemed to stop functioning when he heard what Merlin was saying and he fell silent.

Morgause's face screwed into a disturbed frown. "Yeah, I'm not sure why she tried to keep that pretence up, maybe to test if you held the same opinions than you father, no offence Arthur." She said like musing it herself. Arthur nodded in understanding, but looked a bit uncomfortable. "Well, obviously not." He said, but didn't look at Merlin which made Merlin regret he had asked or at least the way he had asked.

"I honestly thought she had told you, but did she even tell that I was coming?" Morgause asked and Arthur answered with a shake of his head. Morgause sighed. "Alright, This is on me, I have no idea what she is thinking, but if she throws a fit she can throw it at me. I'm her half-sister, from our mother's side." She answered sounding a bit grumpy and a tad annoyed. To Merlin it seemed that she had wanted to get along and to get to know Arthur. She didn't appreciate that Morgana had done so much to sabotage that. She had not agreed to the games Morgana had played.

Arthur was clearly dumbfounded and Merlin couldn't honestly say he had even thought this possibility, but… it kind of made sense. "So you are my...um, one-quarter-sister?" Arthur managed and Morgause actually laughed. "You can call me as you wish, but I'm used on hearing about you as 'Arthur' so don't expect me to continue with anything else." Arthur smiled. Morgause, knowing it or not, had given him so much information that eased his mind. So Morgana didn't call him 'dear little brother' normally. It was just to seem distant, to keep an act when she was in a bad mood. All in all, it seemed that Morgana had been as stressed about today than he had been. It felt reassuring and he could feel a lot more comfortable with the start of their meeting now. It had ended well after all.

"So, about the beach bouleveard..." Arthur changed to a topic that had caught his attention some time ago.

* * *

The bed and breakfast Morgause drove them was in a quiet street. The house had three floors and a small garden which probably looked marvelous during summer, was now completely leafless, but still tidy. The house itself was old, but well kept and when they stepped inside, it was warm, homey and clean. The owner, an elder woman was chipper and seemed to be a motherly character.

Morgause seemed to know her at least by face, maybe she had stayed here before? She reserved a room until tomorrow and made sure it had a double bed in it. To Arthur this seemed like a very nice gesture and he didn't think much of it, he was just happy that he could sleep like he normally did, but when Morgause dropped the key to his hand and told them to play nice, Merlin visibly paled. Morgause just grinned at them before she waved them goodbye and left.

Arthur felt bad for Merlin and he was about to comfort him when the owner's now stern and somewhat stiff tone cut into the air. "I will show your to your room now." This of course didn't help at all. Merlin flinched and his cheeks got red while he still appeared almost sickly pale otherwise. Arthur felt a spike of anger towards the woman. If she wasn't going to throw them out, couldn't she at least pretend to be nice? Did she enjoy causing discomfort to them? To Merlin who looked like he would faint soon?

Arthur wanted to take Merlin's hand at least, but Merlin shook his head furiously and hugged their luggage to his chest while the woman was already climbing the stairs leading to the second floor.

"The breakfast is served between seven and ten and the showers are down the hall that way." The woman told them without looking directly to either of them before stopping next to their door. "And I don't want any funny business in here." She added after a small hesitation, turned on her heals and returned downstairs. Arthur glared at her retiring back with passion. He almost wanted to tell after her that he was _sure_ that none of the couples who had stayed in that room had never, ever even thought of sex, but he held his tongue. Merlin probably _would_ faint if he did that.

As soon as their door was closed and locked, Merlin dropped to the floor and leaned to their closed door, hugging his knees and their luggage against his chest. It was painful to see and once more, Arthur couldn't understand why it was such a bad thing that they were both boys. To him, it didn't make any sense and he hated, absolutely hated to see how much one comment or a change of tone or a sceptic look could hurt Merlin. It all made him feel so powerless.

"Love..." he said softly and sat next to Merlin who didn't seem so pale anymore, but shivered slightly. Arthur wrapped his arms around him. "She just doesn't understand, she doesn't know us. Maybe it's because we are so young..." he tried to reassure Merlin even though he knew it wasn't the case. Merlin didn't seem to believe him, but he nodded and leaned his head against his shoulder.

"Should we go to see the boulevard Morgause told us about?" Arthur asked after some time had passed and Merlin nodded again. "I'll just change my shirt." he said and finally let go of his knees, a sign that he was feeling better as Arthur had learned.

"That was… thanks for putting up with my sister." Arthur said truthfully, even if a tad awkwardly as soon as he remembered why Merlin needed to change the shirt in the first place. It felt embarrassing to admit that Merlin was better with his sister than he was, but the surprise on Merlin's face soon erased that. "I just got so annoyed at her behaviour that I said literally what I thought would hurt her the most. I… couldn't listen the way she talked to you..." Merlin confessed and hung his head a little before scratching his neck.

"But that actually ended very well, I had no idea what to say to her. I would have shouted at her and that would have been a lot messier..." Arthur said and now it didn't feel embarrassing anymore. "She… she seems to be in a place I have avoided at days just barely, so I guess I know how she sees some of the things that- but she has no right. I mean… she should- I don't know." Merlin hesitated on saying anything too negative about Morgana straight to Arthur's face, but Arthur knew where Merlin was coming from. He had done so much and worked so hard on not acting out, on not throwing his bad feelings to others around him and not growing bitter and now he saw Morgana, who was older and had had much more time and she hadn't done what Merlin had been able to. It must have been frustrating.

"She has gone through a lot." Arthur said looking Merlin in the eye. Merlin opened his mouth, but closed it again. He scratched his head again and then huffed before opening their luggage and snatching a shirt. Arthur lifted a corner of his mouth and watched Merlin stand up. He had tried to tell so many times how much Merlin had archieved in such a short time even if right now he felt that he still didn't really get how incredibly well Merlin had been coping. Still it felt that he was a bit closer of getting Merlin to understand too.

Merlin looked at the room and seemed a little lost of where to go. Arthur didn't understand it at first, but then he remembered that they didn't have a bathroom. "I'll wait you by the door." He said and rose up. He exited the room trying to seem natural so Merlin wouldn't have to stress of his feelings, but he was hurt. With Morgana He had been able to hold his feelings mostly in check, his head high and his spirit strong for Morgana. He had been able to take it all and find the best he could with everything and believe that what hadn't gone well would go better in the future. He had been able to feel grateful of what he got, but with Merlin he didn't want to.

He knew he was greedy and that Merlin too was tired and that neither of them wanted to have long conversations of anything tonight, not here of all places, but he needed to be able to be at least a bit weak in front of Merlin. He felt so comfortable around him and he desperately wished Merlin could feel as comfortable in front of him too. It was just a shirt, he had seen more and it wasn't like he had been staring… But hadn't he just thought how much Merlin had progressed? He needed to stop wallowing in self pity right now. It was just that he was tired surely. It had been a long day he kept telling to himself.

Arthur almost started to think that maybe going to sleep was actually the way to go, when Merlin came down the stairs and told him to come on! He wanted to see the sea! And Arthur forgot some of his tiredness, he had a mission to get Merlin to the beach boulevard and see his face when he saw the sea for the first time in his life.

Just like Morgause had said, they had no trouble on finding their way. A straight road took them to a small market place with small booths that sold food and handmade goods and from the market place there left five straight roads, all decorated with lights and Christmas flowers and all of them seemed to lead to the shore.

The sky was mostly dark and the sea grey and the sand stiff and frozen, but Merlin almost jumped up and down from excitement and Arthur decided that they would definitely need to travel more in the future. They walked on the sand for a while conversing about this and that and all the things Merlin had always wanted to see. When they again rose to the paved boulevard, Arthur was just completely happy. Surely this was far more relaxing than mere sleeping.

It was when Arthur saw a couple of girls walking and laughing about something while one of them hung from the other's arm that Arthur remembered that nobody around here knew them, surely Merlin wouldn't feel the need to hide here? He thought and took Merlin's hand in his.

Merlin looked at their hands first surprised, then he looked around them, worried, but he didn't pull his arm away, so Arthur just started to drag him forward, not giving him time to overthink it.

To his utter joy, Merlin didn't pull his arm away, but after just a minute, walked besides Arthur happily, smiling and his eyes lit. It seemed like no time at all when they reached the end of the boulevard. The beach seemed to be a small peninsula and the boulevard was built to one edge of it. In the end there was a viewpoint build of steady rock. They sat on the railing to look at the whole lit boulevard and the sea. Merlin hadn't let go of Arthur's hand still and he told Arthur how he would love to visit this place again at summer time.

It was such a simple pleasure really, something calm and not at all that exciting or all consuming like love was in movies, but Arthur could tell that just like this, he was happiest he could ever be. Like this, with Merlin. Just with Merlin.

But… when they took pictures with Arthur's phone and even asked some passersby to take a picture of them so the best of the scenery was behind them, Arthur started to wonder for how long could he live with having only stolen moments of this happiness? In foreign cities and behind closed doors.

On their way back Merlin sended some of the pictures to Hunith and to Gwen and some others. He walked as close to Arthur as possible and when he was done with Arthur's phone, he took Arthur's hand again. His cheeks were rosy from the cold weather and every breath came out as a little puff of white mist. Arthur wished they would never reach the bed and breakfast.

They reached the market place way too quickly and even if Arthur stalled by urging Merlin to see what every single one of the small booths sold, the time seemed to just slip through his fingers. They found some small souvenirs for Hunith, Gwen and Gwaine and Merlin conversed with one elder woman who sold hot pies and warm juice until she practically forced them to buy large meat pies for a price of small ones. She clearly loved Merlin and the way he told how her food made him remember the village he was born. While Arthur could just roll his eyes and enjoy the delicious pie, the woman's affection seemed to reach to him too. She fussed over them and told them to come tomorrow too to get some roasted nuts for a souvenir, she would give them a discount! Arthur would have been almost scared of her overly familiar approach, but Merlin just promised they would be back tomorrow with a smile that should have melted ice ages.

"Alright, I think it's now proved, everybody loves you!" Arthur declared as they walked the last non-decorated street towards their accommodation. "Aww, he's so nice, so innocent. You know aww, Merlin aww, so sweet!" He mimicked practically every woman he had seen come too close of Merlin's charm. Merlin rose his eyebrow at him and rolled his eyes as Arthur continued "Merlin, aww. Look after Merlin, aww!"

"Oh, do shut up." Merlin huffed at him partly annoyed, but mostly amused. Arthur laughed at him and Merlin attempted to push him of the road. Arthur's darker thoughts had been forgotten and he was just having the time of his life. Maybe that was why he had absolutely no defence left for the glare the owner of the bed and breakfast gave them when they came in.

The look was sceptic and it held prejudice and if not open hostility, then at least something like pity of their ways or distrust and Arthur just felt hurt. He couldn't look at her face, so he hauled Merlin by his waist, barely hearing the small sound of protest that escaped Merlin's lips and took towards the stairs without even looking at the owner again. He had no idea if the woman had kept watching them as Arthur kept a possessive arm around Merlin's waist, but he hoped she had.

When the door of their room closed, Arthur just slid right back to the spot on the floor he had sat before they left. He really was fed up with all this negative thinking of him and Merlin, they didn't deserve it and it broke Arthur's heart how much those people hurt Merlin. He was hurt yes, but he was still much stronger than Merlin when it came to this subject. His confidence had never been broken like Merlin's had and even if he could see there were people who really hated gays, Arthur knew that he still felt safe. Merlin didn't.

"Arthur? What happened?" Merlin asked and gave him a concerned look. He had apparently sat next to Arthur at some point. "I don't want to hide." Arthur managed and he felt that this really was important. He couldn't live his whole life by the rules of the most closed minded people he could find from his surroundings. He had been so done with that when he had stood in court against his father.

"I know." Merlin said calmly besides him. Too calmly, Arthur thought. Merlin didn't really get what he was saying. "I mean I don't want to hide you, us! You are the most important thing to me Merlin, I can't pretend that there is nothing in between us." he knew he sounded desperate, but he didn't really care.

"Arthur, I know." Merlin repeated this time more sternly, looking deep into Arthur's eyes.

'Then why do you never even let me sit next to you or hold your hand when we are not in our room or at least in another city!? You always grow so uneasy around people and you always look around to make sure that there is absolutely no-one present. Not even those who already know…' Arthur wanted to ask, but he didn't. The hurt Arthur felt now had grown in place during the years he had loved Merlin and it was raw and in the surface. He couldn't risk saying something he would regret, not to Merlin, and besides… the more he just kept looking at Merlin in the eyes that were so much more collected and calm than his own at the moment, he knew that he wasn't fair to them at the moment.

Hadn't Merlin just kissed his cheek on his birthday in front of Gwen and just a day after told his best friend everything? They had even slept in the same room with Will, and today… Merlin had told with pride how he loved Arthur to Morgana.

Arthur let his form relax and he leaned heavily on Merlin who in return wrapped his arms around Arthur. It felt so right and nothing like 'funny business', like the owner had said. How could anyone see this as anything else than right was really beyond Arthur.

"It's so unfair… that people see that we are both male and think that there is something wrong." Arthur mumbled not really having energy to form his thoughts to words any better. "Mmm, but at home it's more than that. Most of the school thinks we are brothers." Merlin said sadly to his hair and for some reason it sunk in very strongly. Arthur had completely forgotten that they- he just hadn't thought about it that way and oh God how bad it would indeed be... how disgusted he would himself feel if for example Oliver told that he was involved with one of his many brothers or sisters, just the thought was impossible!

Arthur must have tensed or something because when Merlin spoke, he sounded a lot more frantic than just a minute ago. "I- I'm sorry for blurting it out to your sister like that! I-" but Arthur didn't want to hear any sorries so he shook his head and interrupted Merlin "No. No, Merlin, I wanted to tell her. That's why I wanted you to come with me, so I could introduce you properly."

There was a moment of silence, just Merlin hugging Arthur, both leaning to the closed door. They didn't even have lights on. "We have many friends who don't think that way..." Merlin broke the silence and Arthur knew he didn't mean just the not being brothers part, but everything he was feeling bad about right now. It was comforting and he knew that he could live with that. It had been exhilarating to have a date out in the open, but he could live with being able to act like a couple only with their friends for the time being. Maybe one day Merlin would be comfortable of going out like this in their city too. One day they would be adults and there wouldn't be school and then living together wouldn't mean living with their guardian.

"We should get to sleep, it has been a long day." Merlin finally said to Arthur's neck when they had sat there quietly for so long that Arthur's neck had started to ache. "You are right, we can't be late tomorrow after all." He said with a bit of humour in his tone and Merlin chuckled lightly at that. It was good, Arthur needed to end this day with a happy note.

Their bed was so soft that Arthur thought he could drown in it, but it was warm and the linens smelled lovely and Merlin was there with him, so he couldn't really complain. Besides the old building didn't seem to hold the cold outside as well as their home, the room had turned a bit chilly even in Arthur's opinion, so falling into a soft pile of duvets and pillows with Merlin was really a nice thought.

It was only when Merlin was again standing in the middle of the room fidgeting his fingers with his pyjama in his hands that Arthur remembered that there was no bathroom for Merlin to hide into. "I'll go to brush my teeth..." Arthur said feeling a bit depressed, but he did want to give Merlin the space he needed. He was halfway towards the door thinking of his resolution to give Merlin all the time he needed that he had made just half an year ago when Merlin almost shouted "No! I mean… you can stay."

Arthur looked at Merlin not understanding at all, was he forbidding him from brushing his teeth? What? But then he understood, of course Merlin had seen right through him and he… was telling Arthur that it was alright if he stayed.

Merlin looked at the pyjama, the black satin one, in his hands and started to shift his weight from one foot to another before he took a deep breath and dropped the pyjama to their bed. Arthur could just stare at Merlin when he started to pull his shirt off. He was quite aware that he wasn't making this any easier for Merlin if he kept staring, but he couldn't look away.

It wasn't anything special, or at least it shouldn't have been. Merlin just pulled his shirt off and then put his pyjama shirt on before taking off his pants and socks and then quickly pulling his pyjama pants on. Nothing sexy or flirty in his movements, but to Arthur it felt important and even if Merlin looked at him almost cautiously, an embarrassed blush on his cheeks, Arthur felt very concrete love behind the act.

Merlin glanced at him and tried to act like nothing out of ordinary had happened and Arthur sincerely hoped that in the future this wouldn't be anything special. His legs had been frozen to the spot, but now they took him towards Merlin and like on their own, his hands circled around Merlin's middle.

Merlin made a small, surprised sound. Arthur realised that he was very hard and pressed against Merlin, but the pyjama Merlin had chosen to take with him, was the black satin one! Arthur just wanted to feel it more.

"You took the satin one..." he mumbled and breathed in Merlin's scent. He was warm and he smelled faintly like home. Or maybe just Merlin, but that was what made his home now so maybe it was the same.

"Yeah, well, this is kind of our first trip together and I wanted to um, well, I thought you liked it." Merlin mumbled in return and Arthur actually took half a step back just to see this absolutely amazing creature that was his boyfriend a bit better. Had he really thought something like that? Arthur hadn't even remembered he would need to dress, he had been that focused on seeing Morgana. He was aware that Merlin needed him and his support, but it really did work other way around too.

"I do like it, I like you in it." Arthur said softly and Merlin blushed prettily. God Arthur wanted to roam his hands all over Merlin and as much Arthur liked the pyjama he would very much like to peel it off with care and devotion, but Merlin had really come out of his comfort zone today and Arthur didn't want to make him think that every time he did that, Arthur would want even more. Besides he wanted Merlin to feel comfortable and testing his limits in this foreign environment was not really a good idea. It would hurt too much to see Merlin panic or tell him to stop or…

"Can I go to brush my teeth now?" he asked playfully after he had let his hands just stroke up and down Merlin's arms few times. Merlin pushed him lightly "You haven't even changed, I'll go first." He said and disappeared to the hallway. Arthur threw himself to the bed and hugged one of the pillows. He wished he had arranged something for Merlin. He wished he could somehow show how much he loved Merlin, but mostly he was just happy.

Arthur had just changed when Merlin came back. Merlin had packed only pyjama pants for him so that was what Arthur had wore. He had needed to wait for his turn to get to brush his teeth for a young woman had been taking her makeup off and that didn't sit well with him, but if the lack of personal bathroom had inspired Merlin to change in his presence, he would not mind too much.

Crawling next to Merlin to the soft bed was maybe the next best thing he could have imagined ending this day with. The satin hid next to none of Merlin's features and the thought that Merlin had wore it for him made him hot all over, but he was also tired. He gathered all of his will power and managed to just hug Merlin close. There was some noise as a couple (maybe) passed the door seemingly fighting over something that was maybe lost or found or whatever and Arthur could physically feel how not in the mood Merlin was at the moment, but it was alright. It would be wise just to sleep.

The last thing Arthur felt, was Merlin's lips on his as the sleep took him way too easily.

* * *

Even when he was sleeping, Arthur knew it was a dream. He was in the courtroom again and it just seemed random and somehow wrong. It didn't even look right, he just knew it was the same room his father had been sentenced in. But as he realised that he was standing exactly where his father had stood, the dream took control over him making it all feel real, important, suffocating.

"So, tell me Arthur, how long have you been lusting over your brother?" a cold voice asked and Arthur didn't have to even look to know who was talking. Aredian seemed bigger and his voice louder than it should have and Arthur felt himself shrink under the harsh words.

"It's not like that! I love him!" He tried, but his words seemed to disappear into air and Aredian already looked like he had won. "Love you say? Love, so this it what a love between siblings is supposed to look like?" he boomed over what seemed like full audience and suddenly there were pictures, or snippets of memories where Arthur was with Merlin. Just like he remembered them, dear memories of the times they had kissed or slept together. Some were more Arthur's imagination of what he wanted than what had really happened. In display, for everyone to see and Arthur tried to cover them, but they just seemed to increase their size as he tried, change and fuse with the pictures he had seen in the court forming ugly images, making it all wrong and Arthur heard and felt the audience.

Everybody was there. The whole school, his friends, even Hunith and Arthur could hear them shouting and jeering at him. How despicable he was, how sick or evil he was. That he should die. He could see Hunith crying looking at him with the same eyes she had once looked at his father in this very room. "So do you admit that you are guilty of incest, of forcing your way to your brother?" Aredian boomed over the crowd.

"It's not wrong! we- he wanted it too...He- he loves me too!" Arthur tried his words sticking to his throat. His eyes hurt. He tried to get off the booth, he needed to get something he couldn't really remember what it was, but there was a sharp resistance on his right wrist, the same one his father had cuffed. He looked down and he saw his father, holding his wrist in an iron grip that felt too much like a sharp metal, like handcuffs.

"You are your father's son." He said and Arthur actually screamed. He tried to get free, but at the same time Aredian hit a table with a wooden mallet and sentenced him. To what exactly, Arthur didn't know but he knew he would never see anyone ever and he struggled against his father's grip. "No! Where's Merlin?! Merlin!" He shouted and tried to find Merlin. From anywhere, but he wasn't there. He panicked and tried to pull free as Aredian and his father started to drag him out of the room, maybe to a prison, but Arthur couldn't find Merlin and he tried to pull himself free. He needed to find Merlin!

And just then he saw him, just in the next booth, where witnesses stood. He looked like he had once looked. Thin, pale, sickly and his eyes were dead. Arthur tried to make him look at him as the distance between them seemed to grow too fast, but Merlin just looked straight ahead. "Merlin!"

"Arthur! Arthur! I got you, shhh… I'm here, I'm here, I got you..." penetrated Arthur's mind. As he opened his eyes, tears ran down from his eyes and he realised that had been the pressure he had felt in his eyes. He had been crying long before he woke up. "Everything's fine, it was just a dream, you are alright..." Merlin's voice washed over Arthur erasing the feel of the dream from his mind. It hadn't been real, but he still clung to Merlin and cried. He was so relieved but he felt so much pain and he needed Merlin, he needed him to be there.

Merlin rocked Arthur slightly and kept hugging him close. At some point Arthur started to feel like an overgrown monkey for the way he was squeezing Merlin, but he couldn't do anything else but bable whatever came out of his mouth and continue crying.

Eventually he did fall asleep again hearing Merlin's calming voice telling him that he was alright.

* * *

A/N Um... Merry Christmas everyone!

I had my last exams today (for this year) and I only have one essee to write, the dead line is tomorrow, but then I'm free for vacations! Yes... I got home from the test and I have been watching Disney after that. My brain feels like a buble of slime, but after watching Sleeping Beauty, it seemed like a good idea to finish this chapter. I wanted to get something for you all before Christmas :)

Let's see when I can write the next chapter ready for I have quite a many places to be during Christmas, but I'll try to get a chapter with a happier note out before New Years :)

Huge thank you for your patience and your encouragements! I can pull few allnighters when I have you ;)

Greedy Reader I am so great! At least I will be when I get that on essee done :D I'm also a bit hyper, but so what? I love ice-skating too, I'm actually getting new skates as a Christmas present and I'm so going to use them this year! Yeah, nothing really happened in the last chapter... I think I'm a bit like that, I like to write scenes where nothing really happens. Again, I'm glad that i have readers who don't mind that too much ;) Ah, Mogana, I hope you liked this chapter, I realy do! I have not seen Dead Poets Society, I will definitely watch it during my holidays and tell you how I liked it! But your warning is too late, I have done that already... not fun, but less painful tan slipping on ice and sliding on the said ice and getting scrapped by all the small rocks and sand on the said ice... That one hurt.

Angel Dove1 Thanks! 50th chapter and over 500,000 words! Yay! Your assumpiton of 'little strange' did hold, didn't it :D Morgana is a bit all over the place in this one isn't she? But hey, I loved your comment, as usual. You kind of listed every main point I had in the last chapter and even if I thought I was being boring again, nothing really happened in the last chapter after all, you made it sound like there was so much into it :) I feel flattered! They so are each other's rocks, just a little bit more communication and time and they will see that too ;) I didn't think of the ending as cliff hanger, but now that you mentione it... yes, it kind of was :D Hups... I'm sorry to hear you haven't been able to write, but whn you get something ready, I will definitely read it :) See you soon too!

mersan123 Yes, a mind reading power, that's me. Seriously, I'm not even sure where my own head is at days at the moment... But thank you for encouragement, it will fuel my writing, but also my studing :) Yes, it's so nice to finaly write about healing. Healing and learning how to be a couple. It's so nice that you enjoy it too even if at this point most of the plot has ended like ten chapters ago.

Lavitar ch.35 Aren't they? I have a thing for sleeping together scenes... maybe that's why I have so many of them in this story? I think that not a lot happens in this story most of the time, I'm boring like that. It's amazing to hear you loved it still :) I hope you will enjoy the rest and I'll be waiting for you to catch up too!

ch.39 What a fine description of Morgana! I loved it :) Yeah, well it would so not have fitted if I had made Morgana like she was in the earlier seasons :P I itched on writing more of her and even now it's kind of hard to remember how I actually took almost forty chapters to even make her appear! I hope you liked her in this chapter too :)


	52. Chapter 52 - The last day of holidays

When Arthur woke up, something was off. First of all, he was cold. Not uncomfortably, but enough to wake him up and that was very uncommon. Opening his eyes, Arthur realised his face was just barely on the bed. Rising to a sitting position, he could tell that he had been sleeping with his legs on his usual side and the rest of him on Merlin's side. Which was empty.

Arthur's first reaction was to feel hurt that Merlin wasn't next to him, which only then made him feel guilty for thinking that. Merlin was probably in the bathroom or getting a glass of water, Arthur himself a bit thirsty. Fear immediately struck Arthur, worried that Merlin has awoken terrified from a nightmare of his own and, worse still, that he was vomiting somewhere in the Bed and Breakfast, alone. That sinking feeling woke Arthur up more rapidly than the chill of the cold room ever could. Usually he woke up if Merlin left their bed and now... he realised he didn't have a clue when Merlin had left.

Arthur rose up quickly, rubbing his face. He wasn't sure what mattered more; to see Merlin or to make sure he was alright. Regardless of the reason he needed to get up and find him, so he didn't really care.

The room was colder than their home ever was. Probably because it was old. Older than their home by decades (at least). Arthur could feel how the windows let the cold air in bit by bit and in his current state of mind he didn't like it. He hated that he couldn't afford a decent hotel. Knowing deep down that it was likely he would get his priorities in order in a few days time, Arthur allowed himself to feel annoyed that he wasn't rich anymore to distract him from the worry he would feel until he was able to find Merlin.

As pyjama bottoms didn't provide much warmth on their own, Arthur took the first thing he could find, which happened to be Merlin's hoodie, and put it on before exiting the room.

Even under his bare feet the floor didn't make Arthur feel cold, probably due to the fact it was covered with a thick pile carpet. Merlin's hoodie was soft and warm. Of course Merlin would choose something like that. It felt oddly nice to wear something Arthur associated so difinitively as belonging to his boyfriend, something that felt so clearly not something Arthur would own. Arthur had never loaned clothes from Merlin before.

The bathroom on their floor was occupied, but Arthur could hear the shower and he was fairly sure that Merlin wasn't the one showering. First of all, Merlin prefered to shower in the evening, not in the morning and besides... just not very likely. Still Arthur knocked the door to make sure, but when a female voice called "it's taken!" he just shook his head and headed downstairs without even apologizing to the woman, searching for one of the other bathrooms he had seen earlier.

The corridor had been dark and so was the entrance at the bottom of the stairs, but Arthur could see some light coming from the direction of the dining room. In the faint light he strained his eyes searching for a clock. Arthur frowned, it was only half past five. He didn't need to be up at this hour! It was the last day of his holiday and even on a school day Hunith would have told him to get back to bed and have some more sleep. Arthur knew he was being childish, his moods impulsively following every little thought he had. But at the moment he wasn't very happy with Merlin.

"... no idea why or when the blasted things have been changed to different times in the first place, but they never go off in one go and so I always have to wait for my son to visit, which he could do more often mind you..." Arthur could hear the voice before he saw its source. The Old Hag (as Arthur referred her in his current mood) was up of course and Arthur didn't even find himself surprised when he heard Merlin's voice reply "Yes, well, I think the light bulbs tend to go off only approximately at the same time so it might have just been during a longer time period."

When Arthur slowly stepped around a corner he could see the dining hall and kitchen. He stayed by the corner silently and studied the scene in front of him. Yes, he had just yesterday made fun of Merlin for being good with women, but how could he be there now, on a ladder, still wearing his pyjama plus a bathrobe (that he must have found from their room), helping the Old Hag change light bulbs at half past frigging five like she had never been nasty to them?! Arthur almost wanted to ask that out loud, but his own reticence held him in place, cloaked in shadow and silence. He felt like a bit of a coward because of that.

"Oh! Well, I don't understand these kinds of things, but you sure are a lot of help. You would think my son would come more often, but he is busy with his wife and my grandson you see." The Old Hag continued and Arthur frowned. She was placing emphasis on 'wife' and 'grandson' on purpose...

"I have been led to believe that children can be a lot of work, but maybe you could point out what a lovely beach there is just around the corner. I would move here for the whole summer and fix every single lamp on the block just to be close to that beach." Merlin seemed to turn his full charm on the Old Hag and Arthur felt like kicking him (or the ladder he was standing on) for it. He leaned onto the wall next to him and crossed his arms. He knew it wasn't logical, but he was feeling hurt.

"Sush you! Don't make promises you can't keep! But honestly, I would like to repay you somehow... are you hungry? I could make your breakfast early, or maybe you'd like a lunch later? Free of charge of course."

Arthur was sure he hadn't been in such a childish mood in years, but he was fully prepared to sulk behind the corner and let Merlin deal with his sour mood after he had eaten his special breakfast, but it turned out, he didn't have to.

"Thank you, but it's alright. I would rather eat breakfast with Arthur and we are going to have a lunch with his sister later."

"Ah, you mean your um, friend..." The owner answered, sounding unsure now. Behind the corner Arthur rolled his eyes and mouthed 'friend' as sarcastically as he could without alerting them to his presence.

"Boyfriend, yes, he's bound to be hungry when he wakes up." Merlin answered smoothly before Arthur had time to wonder how Merlin would respond. His frown disappeared as his jaw dropped, just staring at them both. Had Merlin really just... It was just a word, but it made Arthur feel all warm and loved and suddenly nothing felt like such a big deal anymore. Waking up alone, so what? Merlin was right there and Arthur's nightmare... well that just felt silly now. Like Merlin often said, it was just a dream.

"Oh! Is that how you say it nowadays?" The answer was unsure and Arthur could only do so much not to snort. The need to laugh bubbled in his chest, like 'boyfriend' was some kind of new slang only youngsters used. That was just stupid. Why had he been so upset with someone like this in the first place? Standing hidden behind a corner started to feel hilarious, if not that then at very least silly.

"Yes." Merlin replied evenly. Arthur had no idea how he could keep his tone so... just so normal. Arthur chuckled lightly and stepped around the corner. Forget the sulking, he wanted to see Merlin now. "I would fancy a breakfast about now, if you don't mind." he said and watched two heads turn to face him, even if he only cared for one of them.

* * *

When Merlin heard Arthur's voice he immediately spun around and when he saw Arthur, he leaped off the ladder. To his utter relief Arthur looked more amused than anything else, but the moment Merlin leaped, it turned to a look closer to horror. Arthur took a hasty step towards Merlin and let out an alarmed sound which could have been 'Careful!'. Merlin managed to look sheepish while Arthur sighed and shook his head. Maybe Merlin should tell him that he wasn't as prone to falling or dropping things now that he had almost ten kilos more weight on him, compared to half an year ago?

Merlin sighed. There were only a few paces separating them, but right now the distance wasn't acceptable. Arthur had stopped where the light coming from the kitchen just barely reached, no doubt giving Merlin the space he thought Merlin would need. Without looking back to see if the owner was looking or not, Merlin rushed over and wrapped his arms around Arthur. He really, really hadn't meant for Arthur to have to wake up alone.

"Morning love" he said softly to Arthur's neck, determined to show that he wouldn't budge even if he could feel the owner's eyes staring at them on the back of his skull. Arthur took a sharp breath in and then he melted. His arms flew to return the hug with a similar, if not as desperate, determination as last night. Merlin smiled a bit, but he wasn't happy with himself. How could he had messed this up too!? He had so much he needed to say to Arthur and now they weren't even in bed together, with Arthur waking up in his arms.

Arthur wasn't saying anything and the silence started to drag, so Merlin asked quietly "Do you want to eat now?" When he felt Arthur nod against his neck, Merlin gently pulled back. Arthur let him take half a step back, but Merlin could feel the reluctance to let go. Unlike Merlin, It seemed Arthur didn't feel like his spine was trying to crawl towards his stomach under the gaze of the older woman standing just behind them. Still, Merlin kept his eyes on Arthur's. He wouldn't turn around now.

Arthur looked a bit flustered, a bit happy, a bit dazed, but also confused. Mostly, confused. Merlin could only look at that for so long and keep smiling.

"Ma'am, if it's really no trouble, it would be lovely to have breakfast now." he turned to the owner who had busied herself by searching for something in one of the cupboards with more passion than Merlin thought any cupboard really deserved. "Please, call me Elizabeth, dear" she said in a way that sounded almost automatic. "Of course, I did offer didn't I? Are two eggs fine?" She seemed to relax a bit when she started talking and even though Merlin was standing quite clearly in Arthur's personal space, his hands were resting on Arthur's shoulders now, so maybe that helped? "No... it doesn't matter" Merlin reminded himself before thanking the owner and telling Arthur he would just go and get something warmer to wear.

Arthur managed to nod at that and Merlin could physically feel how fragile Arthur's moods were at the moment. He placed his hand briefly to Arthur's cheek and smiled. It seemed to help, but Arthur didn't get the hint that he could join him, so Merlin left after Arthur had asked to bring him socks while he was at it. Merlin rounded the corner with a final glance back to see Arthur seating himself at the dining table as he started to climb the stairs two at the time. Oh God this was a mess!

Merlin had woken up in the middle of the night feeling extremely annoyed when Arthur had practically hit him in the face, but when he had recognised Arthur was obviously distressed because of a nightmare, Merlin had almost panicked. He didn't know what to do! But of course he had to do anything he could to help, and when Arthur had first called to him in his sleep Merlin had reacted subconsciously. He had taken a hold of Arthur's hand and pulled him into a hug. When that hadn't woken Arthur up, he started to call Arthur's name. Merlin was sure he had never seen Arthur in a state such as the one he had been in after waking up.

Even without asking, Merlin had experienced enough to know the kind of dream Arthur's mind had manifested and why. The specifics of the dream didn't matter, the broken sentences and the way Arthur had held onto him had broken Merlin's heart. It was... he realised he now understood better what Arthur went through with him every time. He had felt like crying himself, but this time he hadn't let himself do that.

Merlin had not slept after that. Even when Arthur had fallen asleep again, Merlin had lain awake with Arthur in his arms. The long hours of the night had given Merlin enough time for his heart to settle down to a dull ache and his mind to go through, around and in-between everything that had happened during the past day, night and the whole entire winter. In the end, Merlin was not pleased with himself to say the least.

After watching him sleep peacefully for few hours, Merlin wasn't that worried about Arthur's nightmare anymore. It wasn't a surprise, that after such a day anyone would be plagued by a nightmare. Arthur had been so tired in the evening and Merlin had seen how the day had gotten to him. Besides... Merlin knew a thing or two about nightmares and especially how shaken they could leave you in the middle of the night. They tended to end come morning, for the most part at least. The only parts that followed were those that had existed before the nightmare and, in Merlin's experience, those things were better acknowledged than hidden in dark corners of his mind. Even if getting them out meant his subconscious threw them out at him randomly during the night.

For Merlin, it was mostly Uther and the fear of being discovered and hated all over again for being gay, but for Arthur... it could be the possibility of having to see his father again someday in the distant future. It could be the same fear of not being accepted for who he was by others that Merlin has. It could just be the bad memory of the day combined with stress, but what had caught Merlin's attention had been how Arthur had sobbed '...and you were there and you wouldn't even look at me... I- I called you but you didn't see me...' to his chest. That was not right. Merlin loved Arthur. He would never, ever leave Arthur alone in a situation like that! He would always be there for him. He would tell anyone and everyone how Arthur had never done a thing wrong, how much Arthur just staying by his side meant to Merlin. He would fight for Arthur and he would gladly take any fall for Arthur. Especially when it Arthur needed it the most, Merlin would be there giving everything he had.

But then a question had risen; Had he?

Arthur was always there for him. Every day he told Merlin he loved him. That Merlin was handsome or smelled nice or how he liked to kiss him. He always sat next to Merlin in their classes, he included him with his friends, he smiled brightly when Gwaine, Lance or Gaius said something about them being together and when anyone said something that could even remotely upset Merlin, Arthur was always there. If not asking if Merlin was alright, then directing Merlin's attention elsewhere or even flat out stepping in to tell whoever it was off, not caring that it put himself in the spotlight. Even if some of the comments must have hurt him too, it allowed Merlin to do what he felt he needed to do so he wouldn't feel uncomfortable. walk away. Never looking back, hoping to provide no chance of suspecting that they were dating.

And what had Merlin done? Keep fidgeting, glancing around, acting shy and giving every signal known to man that he wanted to be anywhere but out there with Arthur. Realising this made Merlin feel like the worst kind of human being there was. He had been feeling lately that he was doing fine and seeing Morgana had given him a bit of boost self confidence. He had just let himself believe he had succeeded in doing the right thing, but in reality, he had let Arthur down.

Of course Merlin had his reasons. Many complex ones. School was one. As time had passed and Merlin had gotten all that he had been craving in Uther's house; the love, the freedom, control over his own life, Merlin had started to feel things more vividly. At times it made Merlin almost hyper with happiness that he could express the feelings he had for his friends, enjoy a nice picture or care what he was having for lunch. But with that came different nuances of his existing worries and insecurities. Not anything like the desperation, fear of pain and even death that he had experienced under Uther's roof, but a strong need to be accepted and a fear of being hated and despised. On his worst days it was the debilitating fear of it all happening again. He also found himself growing attached to the people around him. It wasn't that he feared 'the footballers' would hate him, but that Jordan would look at him weirdly, Lee coming to a conclusion that he didn't like that Merlin had made Arthur act like Sonja or to have Oliver turn around and say 'you're not really on a date, right?' with a concerned look on his face. Merlin cared... he cared what they thought of him. Not just whether they didn't hate or hurt him, but if they liked him.

But that was just him being selfish. If they were found out, it would only take one to decide for themselves that their relationship was wrong and the whole school would know in a second. Merlin was sure that even Arthur's popularity wouldn't keep him safe from their bullying then. And maybe Arthur would be able to take that from their classmates, but what about his team? They were all Arthur's friends and it would no doubt hurt him if even one of them looked at him with disgust in their eyes, not to mention the effect it would have on Arthur being the captain.

Merlin remembered how long it had taken to get the whole team to accept Arthur as the captain, to disregard his age. To prove himself and his ability to lead. Merlin was sure that even if only a handful of them turned against Arthur, the entire team would be ruined. There was no way of proving that dating a boy, forget even mentioning the 'being brothers' part, didn't change Arthur's ability or devotion to the team. His own hopes of being accepted aside, Merlin knew Arthur had so much more to lose compared to him.

But their classmates were still only the tip of the iceberg. If Merlin and Arthur were to openly be a couple, the teachers would surely notice. Some concerned parent could call the school and demand 'something to be done' and then one of them would surely act. Had they been just friends it might have been a bit different, but in the eyes of the teachers, parents and any authority you could name, Merlin and Arthur were brothers.

The first step they would probably take would be to call Merlin's mother. Merlin had imagined that happening at least a hundred times during the year and it never went well. Hunith would have two options that he could see; Firstly she could deny it. 'Oh she had no idea!' 'How awful, she would talk to them for sure!' 'Yes, she had already reserved a psychiatrist for them' 'Oh no, it was just a small thing really, they were close and sometimes they just held hands or slept in the same room, after all that has happened...' 'surely it's just a phase, something to do with recovering post trauma...'

Merlin wasn't sure if he was ready to witness that particular eventuality, but the second option would be much worse; Hunith could try and defend them. 'Yes, I am aware of that' 'No, they are not actually brothers, Arthur lives here as Merlin's boyfriend' 'Yes, I was married to Arthur's father, no I don't think that makes them brothers, they are in love.'

Then it would be up to whomever had called Hunith to do something, because clearly this woman was crazy! Allowing incest under her very roof! And then what? They would be investigated by Social Services or whoever society sent when it witnessed something as harmful as this for two minors. They would see how Arthur and Merlin shared a room, a bed and how hidden in their closet was lube and condoms and beer wrapped in a stupid red bow and then everything would turn very sour very quickly.

Merlin was scared of many things and he was sure he would never see the world like Arthur did. In Merlin's eyes, Arthur was too optimistic, too carefree and too trusting of people. But now Merlin also knew that he would rather try his hardest to believe in Arthur's version than ever try to convince him to see the dark possibilities Merlin felt in the back of his mind in every situation. After seeing Morgana just hours ago, Merlin knew that trying to see the world as Arthur did was the right decision. Because it wasn't that hard to imagine where just a little bit more stubbornness, a willingness to stay locked in his room, to continue shutting out the things that were important to him and fearing for the worst all of the time could land him. And it would take Arthur with him. And his mother.

Already, Merlin was aware he had made mistakes. He had messed up so many times. Like when he had been unable to say out loud to Lance that they were dating, how he usually sat in between Gwen and Vivian when Arthur ate with them at school or how he still turned his gaze away when Arthur took his shirt off after having slept against his bare chest for half a year now.

If it had been just one thing or even two, it would have maybe been understandable. But the more Merlin thought about it, the more he realised that he made mistakes all the time. How often had Arthur told Merlin that he loved him? How often did he make small gestures, little caresses, small words of appreciation and admiration while Merlin just replied by blushing and mumbling something incoherent while not even meeting Arthur's eyes? Too often. Arthur had left no doubt in Merlin's mind that even if the worst happened, Arthur would not leave him, would not deny him but stand tall and tell Merlin how much he loved him. But even if Merlin thought he would do the same for Arthur, how was Arthur supposed to feel that way when, in fact, Merlin hadn't actually done that for him? How was he not supposed to fear that Merlin would someday turn around and tell everyone Arthur had been using him when all Merlin did when faced with publicising their relationship was to take a step away from Arthur. Even when some innkeeper they didn't even know looked at them a bit funny?

Merlin opened the door of their room in a rush. He wanted to get changed as quickly as possible and get back to Arthur downstairs. He would sit close to Arthur, he would call him love and eat at least one breakfast openly as a couple. And after that he would talk with Arthur and promise that he would change. He really would. Even knowing he would never risk them being open about their relationship at school, it wasn't like anyone could really say anything if Merlin sat next to Arthur at lunch or if he stood next to Arthur and showed that he didn't find it acceptable when Liam from their class would start his homophobic and racist name calling (that he had obviously learned from his father). It was just stupid he hadn't figured this one out a lot sooner.

He would also stop fidgeting when they were alone. He had been aware that at times it felt easier to act more shyly than he really felt and let Arthur take responsibility for their love life, but he hadn't really thought about it all that much before. Even his friends' comments hadn't made Merlin realise how much damage he had been causing. Whether it was Gwen saying 'You should take him to a surprise date yourself', Gaius' kindly telling him 'At times it seems to me that Arthur just needs to hear it from you, my boy' and even 'You know it's alright if you don't want to jump into bed right now, but if you never take the initiative for whatever, a hug even, it will be hard for Arthur at some point' from Gwaine.

Stupid, that was exactly how Merlin felt at the moment. Stupid and unforgivingly thoughtless.

To top it all off with a cherry, Merlin had been so determined to 'fix himself' and yet he had left to find a bathroom in the early hours of the morning, found the nearest one occupied and ended up saving an old lady from climbing a ladder while Arthur had needed him! What was wrong with him?!

Merlin pulled the same clothes he had worn yesterday on as fast as he could without even bothering to take his pyjama pants off, simply pulling his jeans on over top of them. He couldn't see his hoodie, but he would rather feel cold than have to start searching for it. At the moment he felt that if Arthur decided to break up with him, it would be because of how much of an idiot Merlin could be. He wished so much that he wasn't too late to make this all up to Arthur, who certainly deserved so much more.

With that thought, Merlin exited the room, almost forgetting the socks he promised to get for Arthur.

* * *

Merlin could hear Arthur's voice when he had rounded the corner and stepped into the kitchen area. His tone was soft and polite. Too polite. Merlin knew that tone and even if it amused him at some level, he knew that Arthur wasn't happy with the owner. Not necessarily upset, but definitely not happy either. And an unhappy Arthur wasn't something that Merlin found amusing at the moment. Not at all.

Taking Arthur's tone into consideration, it wasn't a surprise that Merlin didn't even listen to what was being said, but just decided that it was time to show Arthur where his feelings stood. He deliberately sat next to Arthur and moved his chair even closer to Arthur's. Arthur faltered a bit in his conversation and Merlin smiled when he saw how distracted Arthur was by him being so close. It was almost stupid how great Merlin could feel when he let himself relax and trust in, if not himself, then at least in Arthur and his reactions.

From then on, it became like a game for Merlin: what small gestures could he make for Arthur to forget why he had been in such a bad mood in the first place? How could he make Arthur's tone softer and the phrases less calculated? In the end it was surprisingly easy. A well placed smile here and moving his foot there to touch Arthur's or brushing a stray hair back into place... it all pulled at Arthur's attention in a way that pleased Merlin to no end and if it worked on Arthur's bad mood too, then Merlin was happy to do it all, even under the eyes of another.

By the time a full breakfast was served for them, Arthur had relaxed to the point where he actually thanked Elizabeth genuinely. Elizabeth seemed to find that flattering and the now relaxed atmosphere made it easy for Merlin to smile brightly and then run his forefinger gently across Arthur's cheek. Arthur blushed mildly at the gesture and ducked his head to start eating. This just made Merlin's smile grow, it was lovely to see Arthur like this. It almost felt that everything was good.

Of course a feeling like that lasted only for a moment. When Elizabeth looked at them in a confused manner, Merlin's smile faltered.

"I- um, you seem very young..." she said and something just felt misplaced for Merlin. "Well, we are seventeen." Arthur answered evenly. His overly polite phrasing was gone, but to Merlin he seemed wary again and he really didn't like that.

"Oh, well, I guess it's alright then?" Elizabeth answered with a questioning tone and even if she didn't say words like 'phase' or 'passing curiosity' Merlin heard them. Arthur just looked mildly confused and said something that could have been an agreement before continuing eating, but Merlin felt something like a weird mix of wanting to feel happy that a stranger liked them enough to see passed that they were involved and feeling insulted that his love life seemed to be so important that he needed it to be 'approved' to even be considered worthy as a person. In the future he would learn to tell when someone thought he couldn't possibly be gay when he was so nice or normal or not perverted or whatever, but as much as he would try, he would never learn to be able to not take it personally.

There was a moment of silence which was broken by the sound of someone coming down the stairs. Merlin quickly glanced at a clock in a microwave that stood on the counter. It was just a bit over six, so he anticipated that whoever was coming down the stairs was the same person that had occupied the shower before and, sure, enough a young woman with fresh makeup and still damp hair forced into a no-nonsense bun entered his line of vision.

"Ann? Leaving already? Just a moment dear, I have your usual... " Elizabeth said while rushing to the fridge. "Thank you Elizabeth, you always take such good care of me, I'll see you again on the17th?" The woman, Ann, said while searching on her phone. She seemed like she was already late or maybe she just never stopped moving?

"Yes, yes, of course dear, I'll have your usual room prepared. Here, give me your thermos now and you'll be all set." Elizabeth gave Ann a paper bag and Ann, who was already talking on her phone ordering a cab, placed the phone in between her shoulder and ear, opened her suitcase and rumbled through it.

In minutes Ann had her thermos full of coffee with more sugar Merlin was really comfortable seeing so early in the morning and was out of the door. "All business, that girl is. Comes here at least twice a month, can you believe it! Could afford the Plaza, but keeps telling me she likes it here." Elizabeth started talking as soon as Ann was out the door and she seemed very much pleased with herself. Well, it was her business, so of course she should be pleased, but all Merlin could think to say was "Uh, that's nice."

"Well, how about you? Here for a... um, holiday?" Elizabeth started with a slightly insulted tone but changed it when she remembered who she was talking to. Merlin again felt the same feeling as before and now he was sure he didn't really like it, but he forced himself to keep his mouth shut when Arthur calmly answered "Actually, we are here to see my sister."

"Ah, yes, you are going to have lunch with her today, right?" Elizabeth was so clearly relieved when she heard Arthur's response that Merlin actually shook his head a little. In someway, this had to be considered impolite at least.

"Yes, we are going to visit her place, it was really nice of her to invite us. I just hope we will have some room left after this delicious breakfast." Arthur was again back to his over the top politeness and for some bizarre reason, it now amused Merlin. He was tense yes, that wasn't a surprise. In a way he had done all the things he had been told was 'wrong', which would have gotten him so badly violated and even maybe killed in the past, but now... this was the result. It wasn't ideal, but... it gave Merlin confidence.

"Your sister... was she by any chance the lady who came with you yesterday?" Elizabeth really didn't recognise the passive aggressiveness Arthur threw at her as she again seemed engaged in the conversation.

"No, she was my... cousin. We are going to see her today too." Arthur answered and Elizabeth seemed thrilled for some reason. "Oh, that is nice, you know she comes by a lot during summer, I have this little 'cafe' you see in my garden, if you can imagine me running something so fancy. She's one of my regulars, always dressed so sharp, but tells me she likes the garden and my humble pastries. If I remember correctly, her favourite is the apple pie I make with almonds... So, do you visit often?"

Arthur stared seemingly interested and just partly weirded out. Merlin, who felt he didn't really need to care about Elizabeth's opinions anymore, moved his fork towards Arthur's plate. First slowly, but when Arthur didn't even seem to remember he was there, he started to eat Arthur's mushrooms directly from his plate, one at a time, in a slow pace. That ought to get a reaction, Merlin thought, or at least he would get to eat the mushrooms.

"This is actually our first time visiting, I haven't seen her in years." Arthur confessed, now surprisingly honestly.

"Oh? Oh! I mean that's too bad... Is it because of...?" Elizabeth gestured vaguely the air in between them and now even Arthur got the hint. Merlin's hand practically flew to Arthur's knee as Arthur tensed visibly. Elizabeth looked at them, a real concern or maybe worry in her eyes and she seemed to realise she shouldn't have asked.

"Um, I- would you like to have some more juice?" She asked in a hurry and Merlin reached for his untouched glass of orange juice to gulp it down. He managed to drink it all in one go, even if he really didn't enjoy drinking anything cold at the moment. He was cold enough already without his jumper (which suited Arthur annoyingly well). "Half a glass if it's no trouble."

Elizabeth rushed to pour him a full glass and Merlin thanked her for that while Arthur moved some mushrooms from Merlin's plate to his. Merlin chose to ignore that and just gave Arthur's knee a gentle squeeze. Arthur gaze rose and Merlin shook his head just slightly in response. Arthur relaxed and smiled at him a bit before stealing some more of Merlin's mushrooms, confident Merlin knew just what Arthur needed in that moment to find himself again.

They continued eating and Merlin said something or the other about how good the food was and how nice the place was and Elizabeth seemed to be fine with that. Merlin was sure she hadn't meant to upset them. He almost wanted to tell her that it was alright, that he had heard worse and then come and visit again just to prove his point.

Still it was far from a relaxing morning and by the time Merlin closed their door, he felt exhausted and Arthur just threw himself on their bed. That reminded Merlin of the fact that he hadn't actually slept in almost 24 hours. Arthur sprawled on the soft bed in his jumper just looking so comfortable... But Merlin still had things he wanted to say so he settled for sitting on the edge of the bed.

* * *

This had to be the best morning ever.

Arthur couldn't control his features and he smiled like an idiot into the pillow Merlin had used. He was blissfully full and happy. Merlin... oh how Merlin had been! Arthur could still feel Merlin's finger running down the side of his face or across his scalp and when he played back in his mind how Merlin had taken a hold of his knee, Arthur felt some places other than his face gather some extra blood. He was suddenly very glad that he was lying on his stomach.

Arthur turned his head when he felt the bed dip, realising Merlin had sat down next to him. He wanted to know if Merlin would feel comfortable if he held his knee while they were in public, but when he saw Merlin's face he forgot that question. Merlin looked painfully worried and Arthur had to lift his upper body up with his elbows to see better. He had no idea what was going on and that always worried him, but Merlin spoke before he had a chance to ask what was wrong.

"I'm sorry." Merlin said and it held such sincerity that Arthur felt his stress levels rise sky high. What did Merlin have to be sorry about? What did Arthur do wrong? What was going through Merlin's head? A hundred 'What?' questions must have shown on his face, almost frozen in a loop of unanswered fears. "Why?" he finally asked, knowing he had to say something before his mind started to go through some nasty, worst case scenarios.

"I shouldn't have left you here alone in the morning." Merlin said sounding truly sorry, looking like he had really done something unforgivable. Arthur couldn't even remember why that had been a big deal an hour ago.

"It's alright..." he said as calmly as he could while his brain still had trouble believing that him waking up alone could be the only thing that was making Merlin sound this serious.

"No it's not! You are always there for me and I just-" Merlin sounded truly upset and he stopped like he couldn't really say the word 'left' or whatever he was going to say. "...did you wake up when I left?" Merlin finished and Arthur snapped out of his staring. Merlin looked so sad... and really there was nothing to be sad about!

"No, I was just hungry." Arthur lied, feeling bad that he had even thought of pouting or complaining about anything yesterday or today considering how sorry Merlin felt even when he hadn't.

"Still. I should have been here and I'm sorry..." Merlin sounded miserable.

"For the last time, stop being so sorry all the time. It's fine, really." Arthur had to get this to stop now, he really just wanted to enjoy how Merlin had acted while they were eating breakfast together for a while longer. He was starting to feel quite confident that none of his worst case scenarios were going on here (which mostly involved Merlin leaving him one way or another), he felt he should just tell Merlin to shut up and give him a kiss or something.

Merlin looked at him like he didn't really believe Arthur so Arthur took a different approach. "It was just a dream and besides... I just had the greatest morning to make up for it." he said with a smile. Merlin looked at him like a living questionmark and Arthur dropped himself to his side and moved closer to Merlin. After pausing for a second he lifted his head to rest on Merlin's lap and when Merlin's hand seemed to move on its own to stroke Arthur's hair, Arthur closed his eyes feeling pure bliss circling in his chest.

God it was so good... it felt like home and as the silence continued, Arthur had time to remember how comfortable he was with Merlin when they were at home. How easy it was to trust that Merlin loved him when they were in the environment they had shared for the last half a year. Of course he couldn't read Merlin as well on their first trip or when one of his friends interrupted their date. They were still learning all that, but what mattered was that they were learning and that he knew that, at the end of the day, Merlin loved him.

"What do you mean?" Merlin finally asked and Arthur had to think for a while what he had even said. He opened his eyes lazily and met Merlin's now calmer, but still serious blue eyes. It was such a cliche to think that eyes were beautiful, but Merlin's eyes really were. It was a bit hard to gather something resembling an answer when those eyes were so completely focused on him.

"I mean... it's rare you do stuff like that." He managed, but the words didn't feel right, more awkward than Arthur wanted to sound and Merlin turned his eyes down and he looked... self-loathing. That wasn't right.

"And I heard you, you told her I'm your boyfriend." Arthur tried but the look on Merlin's face just deepened and he frowned.

"It shouldn't have been anything special..." Merlin muttered and now Arthur was again truly lost. "I mean... we are dating. You shouldn't have to feel it's a special thing." Merlin continued and looked Arthur in the eyes again with clear effort but he also looked determined and Arthur felt the same strength he had witnessed Merlin exert with Morgana just yesterday.

Arthur smiled and he relaxed again on Merlin's lap and closed his eyes. "That sounds amazing." he sighed and enjoyed how his heart beat in steady rhythm, spreading the warm feeling through his veins to fill his entire body. He snuggled to a better position in Merlin's lap. Merlin's hand had stilled a while ago, but it didn't leave Arthur's hair even now.

It was so comfortable and Arthur felt that he could very happily fall asleep right there, but the lingering silence ebbing away his warm feelings and after awhile he had to open his eyes and look at Merlin again. Merlin was still looking at him and he had that unreadable look in his eyes that Arthur couldn't say he was fond of. It always worried him when he had no idea of what Merlin was thinking.

"What's wrong?" Arthur managed to ask this time and Merlin blinked like he hadn't expected Arthur to say anything. "I just want to be better for you..." he said sounding like he was talking more to himself than to Arthur, who moved his arm to rest on the small of Merlin's back. If that was the problem, Arthur knew he could say the right words.

"How could you? I think you are perfect already." It was easy to say because Arthur knew it was true. It wasn't always easy and at times everything felt so complicated, but at times like this, Arthur knew they were moving towards the future they both wanted and if that wasn't perfect, then what was?

Merlin blushed prettily and Arthur smiled up at him. "I really am not..." Merlin mumbled, but Arthur could see he had said the right thing. "To me you are." he said with a lightness to his tone, but with no hesitation or room for argument. Merlin seemed to hesitate on something. His fingers started to fiddle with Arthur's hair in a nervous manner.

"But... what if- I mean, I'm not really like this." Merlin sounded nervous and ashamed and Arthur hugged his waist. "It's alright, I know you and I love you." He said thinking that Merlin must mean how calm he had been during the breakfast. It was only a bit distracting that he was basically talking to Merlin's crotch.

Merlin took a deep breath. "I mean that sometimes I'm not that honest about us." That was not something Arthur had expected to hear and he looked up at Merlin feeling confused. Those worst case scenarios threatened to surface again, but then Merlin blushed tomato red and said with a voice that clearly needed effort to hold even remotely steady "I haven't been there for you, not the way you deserve and even this morning- I just really want to stay by your side and I want- I want to be with you, not just hide behind you all the time and I-" Merlin sniffed and his voice was starting to break and his eyes glittered with unshed tears, but Arthur could only hold his breath. He needed to hear this. His heart was going out for Merlin, but with this he couldn't help, he just needed to listen.

"I do want to show I love you, I too want to protect you and I want- I want to give you more. Also... my body. I mean! I go to swimming every week and Gwen and Lance and all the other people who go to swim have seen me in my swimming trunks, but with you I can't even take my shirt off. I have hugged Gwen at school, why not you in a breakfast?" Merlin blurted the last part out and blushed even deeper, if that were possible. It was in no way smooth, but Arthur could hear Merlin had given this a lot of thought so he didn't mind.

"Some things do scare me, but with others... I think it's just easier to not say anything and hope you know what is going on in my head. It feels so awkward to say or do something that I have no idea of how you will react or think. What if you don't like me like that or if I'm not any good or-" Merlin continued his rambling and Arthur had to stop him. He wasn't sure if he could take more without kissing Merlin senseless.

"I wouldn't." he said firmly and Merlin snapped his mouth shut. There were so many things Arthur wanted to convey at the same time that he didn't know from where to start, but Merlin seemed to, for some reason unknown to Arthur, actually believe him without any explanation or clarification.

"Really?" Merlin asked, looking shy. Arthur wasn't sure how long he could take this side of Merlin so close to him and not kiss him senseless. It was so perfect and Merlin's tone was so hopeful that Arthur felt everything he could possibly say would sound too simple or too crude or just plainly awkward.

"Yes, you know I want everything of you." The words just came out of his mouth and Arthur felt like kicking himself. What had that been about?! "I mean not anything you are not interested in of course!" he hurried to correct, feeling even more awkward and he tightened his one-armed grip on Merlin's waist as soon as he saw something cross Merlin's features.

"But I am interested... I want to- I want to give everything to you..." Merlin licked his lips nervously and his voice got quieter and quieter towards the end of the sentence, but Arthur heard it loud and clear. Some areas of him were painfully interested in Merlin's words but his brain still told him that it wasn't right.

"I know, but I mean I know you wouldn't want some things..." he said wanting to show he knew Merlin, that he wouldn't expect to actually have all of Merlin after this... He swallowed and tried not to think about what 'all' could mean.

Merlin shook his head. "But I do. I really want everything with you. I am selfish that way." he said and now there was no hesitation or even a blush on Merlin's face. Arthur could only stare into Merlin's eyes and then bury his face into Merlin's stomach. "Yes, please" he mumbled to the fabric of Merlin's t-shirt.

Merlin seemed to let out a held breath as he started to pet Arthur's head once more. If Arthur could do something about it, he would never let this moment end. It all was almost painfully good.

"You know, sometimes it feels like I have to say something inside my head at least a hundred times before I can say it out loud. I wish I could be more honest more easily." Merlin spoke softly and Arthur lifted his head enough to turn it to face Merlin again. He couldn't stop smiling and he was quite sure nothing could ruin his mood at the moment.

"Maybe we should practice talking about those kind of things more often then." He suggested half joking and when Merlin blushed, answering "Like sex?" before then blushing tomato red, Arthur could only grin. "Yes, and how nice your ass looks in satin." He too felt a blush form and he laughed. Mostly because he was a bit nervous, but it seemed to encourage Merlin who immediately replied "Or how hard you are right now?" It escalated from there and soon they were both laughing and throwing embarrassing words at each others.

"Penis!" Merlin all but shouted causing Arthur to let go of his waist and hold his stomach. "Stop! I can't breathe!" Arthur managed through fits of laughter. "Orgasm" Merlin giggled and Arthur was sure he would soon pass out. "Poop?" Merlin said innocently and Arthur almost fell off the bed. "That's not even fair anymore!" he managed and Merlin joined him in hysterical laughing.

After their laughter calmed down, they were both lying on the bed haphazardly. Arthur searched for Merlin's eyes but that proved to be a mistake as they started to laugh again when they managed to make eye contact. Arthur couldn't remember the last time he had laughed like this.

When they managed to really calm down Arthur searched for Merlin's hand. Merlin curled his long fingers around Arthur's and as soon as they made contact, Arthur felt like glowing in happiness.

"I have to tell you everything from now on, don't I?" Merlin asked with a spark in his eyes and Arthur smiled what was possibly the happiest smile of his life. "Yes, all of it." he answered happily to which Merlin snorted "Not a chance."

"Why you..." Arthur pushed himself up just to tackle one laughing Merlin to the mattress. They ended up wrestling lightly until Arthur gathered some of his real strenght to pin Merlin down, holding his hands on both sides of his head. Merlin just smiled back at him, completely relaxed. Arthur felt that his face was too small for the smile he needed to make to reflect how happy he was in this moment.

"I love you." He said and lowered himself on top of Merlin, his head resting on Merlin's chest. The room had felt cold before, but now Arthur felt hot and Merlin's shirt damp and they both radiated enough warmth to make the room feel almost tropical. The small breeze of cold air coming from the direction of the windows felt amazing on their warm skin.

Merlin mumbled a content "hmm…" and wrapped his warm arms around Arthur making him sweat, but Arthur just closed his eyes. He was so comfortable right there even if he was quite sure Merlin wasn't as comfortable under his heavy body.

"Do you want to take a nap?" Merlin asked gently and Arthur was about to answer, but then a yawn broke through. He could use a nap. "Sure, if you are sleeping with me?" he answered, not making any effort to move.

Merlin chuckled to that but then he too yawned. Arthur could feel how Merlin's lungs filled with air and emptied again. There were no words to describe it. It was kind of like how breathing or eating or sleeping was just essential and because of that felt so very nice, but feeling something so basic within Merlin was more than twice as good. Like the more basic it was, the more it meant.

"What if I... slept without a shirt too?" Merlin's words woke Arthur up immediately and what the word 'poop' had not encouraged, this definitely did the opposite. Arthur held his breath fearing if he did move a muscle, Merlin would take the words back.

"It really shouldn't be this big of a deal... we are dating, right?" Merlin sounded a bit sad again and so Arthur nodded against his chest not knowing what to say. Merlin squeezed him close and Arthur let his breath out. "Yes, we are." he finally said and he felt something that could have been Merlin giving his head a kiss.

"When we get home... " Merlin started but faltered and Arthur lifted his chin to look at Merlin. "Yes?" he asked when Merlin didn't continue. "...can I see you naked?" Merlin asked from the ceiling and Arthur was sure he didn't realise Arthur was looking at him. "Of course." he answered, wondering if Merlin could have had any doubts on his answer.

Merlin looked at Arthur with serious eyes and even if Arthur had found the question a bit silly, he too got serious. "Any time you want." He confirmed Merlin's unasked question and Merlin nodded. "If you want, you can see me too." he said and Arthur felt his eyes widen. It was like an explosion in his brain. Like his brain was giggling hysterically and left his body alone to try and say something resembling a grateful agreement while he was so hard it hurt.

"I do... but not here." he managed and Merlin visibly relaxed. "When we get home then?" he said smiling and Arthur had no trouble returning the smile. "Yes, home."

Arthur hugged Merlin close and inhaled his scent. How he was so lucky to have Merlin, he had no idea. He rolled onto his side for the bed to be more comfortable for him and for Merlin and Merlin let him take one of his legs in between Arthur's. It was only when Merlin yawned again that Arthur remembered they were supposed to have a nap together and what Merlin had promised.

"You promised you'd sleep without a shirt..." he said playfully but still hopeful. "You too then." Merlin replied and pushed himself up with effort. He saw Merlin look at the door for a second before he glanced at Arthur briefly, but then he indeed did take his shirt off and after that his jeans, revealing the satin pyjama bottoms under them. Arthur smiled when the jeans pulled the pyjama bottoms a bit showing a glimpse of black boxers. Arthur just felt so fortunate lying there.

Merlin climbed back into the bed fast and gave Arthur a pointed look to which Arthur answered with a smile and rose up to strip himself down to boxers while he watched Merlin's eyes widen. Excitement ran through Arthur when he lowered himself next to Merlin. He carefully removed some of the blanket Merlin had pulled over his chest and wedged his hand under Merlin's pillow. Resting his head on Merlin's bare chest was maybe the best place there was in this world.

Arthur was too awake to fall asleep really and started talking about what their classes might be like in school this year. As Merlin started to feel heavier on his arm Arthur started to speak with a softer tone and soon enough, Merlin was fast asleep. Looking at Merlin sleeping was surely contagious for Arthur too was lulled to sleep by listening Merlin's even breath. The last thing he remembered was looking at Merlin and thinking 'beautiful, he truly is beautiful.'

* * *

When Arthur woke up, it was already half past eleven, so he barely had time to wake Merlin up, get out of bed, find himself the clean shirt Merlin had packed for him, wake Merlin up again, brush his teeth, collect their stuff and wake Merlin up again before it was time to check out. When he had hauled their luggage to his car, he dragged Merlin out of the bed by his ankles and practically dressed him while Merlin mumbled something about cabbage. Maybe Arthur's head was mentioned too, but Arthur didn't really care, they couldn't be late and it was ten past twelve! And he had no idea what the traffic would be like or how to drive there.

"You do realise that it's just my mother who has a fixation on lunch being eaten at one o'clock, right? Generally lunchtime could be anything in between twelve and three o'clock." Merlin pointed out when he had finally woken up while Arthur was dragging him downstairs by his wrist.

"That means we could be late already!" Arthur was stressed, he should have put an alarm to wake them up an hour ago at the latest! And why hadn't he asked Morgana a proper time yesterday when he had the chance?

"Or so early it would be rude. Now if you could just call-" Merlin wasn't the most empathetic person just after waking up, but neither was Arthur when he was in a hurry. "I am not calling Morgana! She could change her mind and-"

"And if you'd let me finish: Morgause, call Morgause, she seemed stable enough." Merlin cut him off and thrusted his phone to Arthur, Morgause's number already on screen.

After a quick call to Morgause, Arthur knew they were supposed to be there by two so that left just enough time to take a short walk after saying their thanks to Elizabeth, who welcomed them back anytime (even if she did seem a bit relieved they were leaving and a bit disturbed by Merlin's sleep ruffled hair and shirt that Arthur just then realised he had buttoned wrong).

If Elizabeth had been prejudiced against them, at least the lady who sold them roasted nuts and pies was overly happy to see them again. If the three for the price of two hadn't given her away, or the overly affectionate tone, when she cooed "You two are so adorable! You know I have a nephew who is one your people too." did.

After Arthur had gotten a hang of the direction they were supposed to drive, he asked Merlin if he had felt it weird that a woman they didn't know had so openly, and in a very loud voice, given her approval. Merlin simply answered that he felt grateful she had accepted them but he hoped he would never have to experience that again. That had made Arthur laugh and he knew they were on the same page.

Approvement was (of course) a nice thing, but seriously, he just wanted to be with Merlin without any drama. It would be the best if nobody saw them any differently to any other couple. Straight or gay, Arthur just hoped it could all be the same.

* * *

The area Morgana lived in was straight from a historical drama from the 1800's. The houses were old and made of red brick. There were small balconies and old chimneys. No road seemed to be straight and the whole area had been built on a hill so there were small stairs every now and then to help pedestrians through the steeper places. The houses didn't have garages, for obvious reasons, so Arthur had to search for an open space. Which wasn't easy, it seemed most residents owned a car here.

The house marked on Arthur's map turned out to be four separate, three-story buildings with pitched roofs surrounding a space that seemed to be a small garden. Arthur was sure it all looked gorgeous during summer or if there was snow... Arthur wondered if Morgana had seen this place covered in snow, she would have surely liked that.

Merlin located the right building, the right floor (second) and the right door (only two options) while Arthur started to feel nervous all over again. It had all ended quite well yesterday, but he was very much afraid he would say something that would destroy it all. Merlin, on the other hand, looked slightly bored and quite displeased. It just then occurred to Arthur that Merlin could blame Morgana for his nightmares too, but he couldn't deal with Merlin at the same time as his sister, so he gave him a pleading look.

Merlin met his eyes and looked straight back for a moment before sighing and pulling Arthur into a brief hug. It was nice and when Merlin pulled out, his face looked normal again. Arthur gave him a kiss on the cheek, he appreciated it so much that he had someone like Merlin who he could trust in these kind of situations.

"Don't expect me to be polite." Merlin mumbled next to him when Arthur rang the doorbell. "Wouldn't dream of it." He answered lightly. Merlin had understood him perfectly. For the next few hours Arthur wouldn't keep him as the centre of his attention but focus on Morgana instead and Merlin would support him. That gave him confidence.

Morgause opened the door wearing a cheerful expression and a tailored, button down shirt matched with loose trousers.. Arthur had never seen a woman dressed as such but Morgause truly looked good in that style and Arthur briefly hoped he had a style of his own. He was all of a sudden very grateful that Merlin had packed a decent shirt for him too.

"Tell him it's not yet two o'clock!" They heard Morgana's voice coming from somewhere as soon as they stepped inside. They all looked simultaneously at a clock in the entrance which was quite hard to miss as it was quite huge. It read just minutes before two and Arthur was very happy they had allowed almost half an hour more than Morgause had estimated that the drive would take to get there.

"I will show you around." Morgause said, rolling her eyes. "Do not let them into my room!" Morgana shouted from what Arthur assumed was the kitchen. "Umm, we could come back later..." he tried, but Morgause reached to take his jacket off. "You are already here. Come on, just praise the food and we won't have any problems in the end."

The appartment was nice, really nice. Morgana's room was tightly shut and even if Morgause gestured that they could peek inside Arthur wanted to respect Morgana's wishes (while Merlin didn't and let Morgause open the door just a few centimeters for him), but if he could deduce anything from the layout of Morgause's room and the rest of their apartment, they both had spacious rooms with windows either facing towards the garden (Morgana) or to the street (Morgause). They had a very nicely decorated living room that included a huge couch with tons of plush pillows and no TV. There was too much stuff for Arthur's tastes, either hanging on the walls, decorating their bookshelf or window sills, but it all looked lived in and for that reason, a home. A quality Arthur had come to appreciate only after moving in with Merlin and Hunith.

Morgause offered them drinks in the living room and kept the conversation flowing with a skill that couldn't have been learned overnight. It was almost a quarter to three when Morgana finally made her appearance. She had a slim fitting, white, woolen pullover with an ample neckline and a knee high grey skirt. She still had too much makeup on, but she looked a lot better, in Arthur's opinion, than she did when they saw her last.

"The food is ready." She stated coolly, not offering any other form of greeting, to which Merlin replied immediately "It must be two o'clock now then. Good afternoon, nice to see you again." with a scathing tone that caused Morgana to lose her cool. "I- well, um, hi Arthur." she said immediately, awkwardly and in the most bizarre way Arthur felt like he was the only guest in this house.

"Hi sis, it smells delicious." He said and smiled politely. Morgana smiled at him timidly and asked them all to come eat. Arthur saw Morgause nod at Merlin with approval as soon as Morgana had turned her back to which Merlin in turn smiled and patted Arthur on his shoulder while he passed him. The sharpest edge of his worry gone, Arthur took a few fast steps so he could overtake Merlin and ruffle his hair on his way. Had he told Merlin he loved him today? If not, he would definitely have to as soon as possible. Preferably many times.

The food Morgana had made looked awesome. There was roasted chicken and vegetables arranged nicely with seasoned rice and two different sauces, not to forget salad and some marinated zucchini and peppers. It looked like it had taken a lot of time and effort to make and when Arthur honestly complimented everything he saw, Morgana seemed more pleased than Arthur had ever seen her after their childhood.

"I'll give you this round..." Merlin mumbled and for some reason Morgana seemed to find that funny. Merlin also gave Morgana a small smile after she chuckled softly. Arthur really started to see hope there: Merlin and Morgana could really get along and hopefully he could too, on the side.

Eating lunch took it's time as Arthur suddenly felt like he had so much to say and tell Morgana that he couldn't possibly say it all during this visit. From distant memories to the present, Arthur felt as excited as he had when Morgana had been the cool, big sister and he had just been the kid who had wanted to do everything her cool friends liked to do. He also started to discover what was ok to say and what not.

Some of it wasn't that surprising and Arthur mentally kicked himself when he saw Morgana's expression darken. Like mentioning their old home was clearly a taboo. He could say 'you remember when we used to play football?' and get an enthusiastic story, but saying 'remember how we used to play in the garden?' made Morgana snap at him that it had been too long ago for her to remember. Telling her he remembered Morgause was alright, but mentioning anyone she had been friends with was pure suicide if he didn't have a story ready about them failing in life one way or the other. Those were the easiest things but at times, Arthur had no idea from where Morgana was coming from. Morgana didn't even reply to him when he asked if purple was still her favourite colour, but he still felt that he was slowly learning.

Merlin seemed to have a better idea and at times he would say something, in Arthur's opinion, completely random (and pointedly ignoring all social norms) that made Morgana calm down or even laugh. He didn't talk much, but when he did, it always pulled Morgana's attention. Arthur wasn't sure if he should be jealous or happy and towards who, but it all seemed to slowly click into place.

When Morgana started to ask Merlin some questions about his home village, Arthur found himself conversing with Morgause with surprising ease. They had quite a lot to talk about; football, cars and sportswear. It turned out Morgause did pilates two times a week and liked to go for long runs whenever she had time. Arthur recommended to her the brand of running shoes he had gotten from Merlin and Morgause told him how the Gore-tex jacket had changed her life.

Years later, Merlin would point out that if they told people that Arthur and Morgause were siblings and Merlin and Morgana were also, nobody would question them.

When it was time for dessert, Morgana and Merlin had found the same wavelength. They seemed to share a type of dark humour and their topics started to become more substantial, so when Morgause gestured Arthur to help her clear the table he was ready to help. He didn't want to interrupt Merlin, much less Morgana.

"..and the bed! Seriously, you chose it? " "I'll have you know it was in fashion then to have a metal bed frame." "Oh in fashion, well you know us gay people, if it's for fashion it changes everything!" "Well you are not very good at being gay then, grey hasn't been in for years now and you still kept my old couch..."

"What is this 'best girlfriend' vibe I'm getting..." Morgause muttered to Arthur while passing him coffee cups. "I was getting more of the 'third date' vibe, but I like yours better." Arthur muttered back and they shared a amused look and a snort. Arthur had to admire Morgause, she had clearly done the same thing he had, but without help from people like Gwaine, Gaius or Hunith and she had made it work. Arthur hoped he could find a good opportunity to ask for her number (like Merlin had apparently done when Arthur hadn't been looking). It would be great to talk with her in private.

Hearing "I really didn't mean to be so harsh yesterday... " from Morgana got Arthur's attention again and suddenly Merlin didn't seem that comfortable anymore. He did attempt to tell Morgana how it was alright, but Arthur could hear Merlin's tone clearly enough that even Morgana couldn't miss it and by the look on her face, she didn't. It was then when a strange feeling of inspiration came to Arthur.

"I know what you felt." he said quietly, a bit sadly maybe, but it got everyone's attention. "I too... tend to say what I think will give me the upper ground." The room was so quiet, Arthur could hear the almost nonexistent traffic outside. Or maybe his ears were just buzzing on their own? "I hope you will not take this the wrong way, but I think... we have been raised that way."

Morgana took in a sharp breath, but otherwise didn't move or make a sound. Merlin looked highly alarmed, but remained quiet. Morgause was behind Arthur's back so he couldn't know, but he assumed she was as still as humanly possible too.

"But that is not us, not really, right?" He spoke directly and only to Morgana, whose eyes held all the emotion in this world. Like she couldn't really decide how to feel. "That's why I have talked with Merlin and my friends and I... I have been considering going to a therapist."

The reaction was much like he had been anticipating, Morgana looked shocked. "I know it feels uncomfortable. Some stranger would get the upper hand over me as they would know everything about me and I would know nothing about them, but I don't want to throw this all onto Merlin's shoulders... I can't do that to him."

His words full with every emotion he had and he saw Morgana listening his every word. Still he had no idea how Morgana would actually respond. Even if nobody else in the whole world could understand how much verbalising this meant for Arthur, he knew Morgana felt it too. They were, after all, siblings and even if it was a trend in rich families to have unreasonable expectations, Arthur knew now that he had grown up mentally abused and so had Morgana. Far before she had been sexually abused.

There was a long silence, but in the end Morgana turned her gaze down. "I'll think about it." she said quietly and Arthur breathed again.

"I went to a therapist too..." Merlin offered and placed his hand on Morgana's wrist, but that broke the moment and Morgana gave Merlin her best ice-queen look "Well, no offence, but I would have expected that from a twink like you." From Morgana's tone, Arthur could tell she wasn't sorry if she offended Merlin even if Arthur had no idea what the word 'twink' meant. Merlin obviously did as he threw his hands in the air and rose up "Excuse me, I will hide in your bathroom for the rest of the evening."

"But I- I made a cake!" Morgana yelped hastily and her hands twitched nervously as if to prevent Merlin from going after all. It was evident that she hadn't thought this through. Arthur was sure he heard Morgause facepalm behind him. He was ready to convince Merlin to stay, not really understanding whatever that had been about, but Merlin wasn't entirely serious.

"Well, if there's cake..." he said and sat back down. Morgana seemed to relax and Morgause made a comment of the power of food and men and it made everyone laugh. The peace had been restored.

The cake was delicious, even if it wasn't the prettiest one Arthur had seen. However he complimented it by words and had seconds, twice, to prove his acclamations. He was painfully avare that he would have to do the same the next time Merlin baked something, but he was willing to 'go through' with that for 'Merlin's sake'.

They found more topics to talk about and Arthur decided he would surely read more newspapers to prepare for the next time, just so he could understand every single one of the recent topics Morgana tried to start a conversation about.

In the end they stayed too long. Arthur was very aware that they was overstaying their welcome, but he just didn't want to leave. He didn't want this connection to end and he definitely didn't want to say goodbye to Morgana or Morgause. It was only after Morgause stated she would make 'one last cup of coffee' that Arthur knew they had to leave.

He pushed himself to drink the coffee at a normal pace and when he was done, he managed to rise up and thank Morgana and Morgause for the night before forcefully walking himself to the entrance. Arthur hoped Morgana didn't think he was a nuisance.

Still he felt quite proud of himself when Morgause gave him her number and Morgana at least followed him to the door. Morgause told them to message her when they got home and told them to call anytime. Arthur actually shook her hand in a business-like manner before he turned to leave. To Morgana he had no idea what to say and Merlin didn't offer much help, he kept his hands in his pockets and just nodded his goodbyes. After a small awkward pause, Arthur too nodded at Morgana and turned to leave.

"Arthur!" Morgana's hasty tone stopped Arthur in midstep. "Can I... call you sometimes?" Morgana asked timidly and Arthur stared.

"Sure, whenever you want, I'll answer." he ended up saying and it was only after making the promise he started to think if it was possible for him to keep his phone with him all the time. Morgana nodded at him and bit her lip, "Great, well, talk to you soon." she said and offered a nervous smile. Arthur pretended he hadn't seen the nervousness and just smiled brightly back at his sister. This really was going to work and Arthur couldn't have been happier about it.

When the door closed behind them, Arthur just stared at the door and smiled a stupid smile.

When he turned to walk down the stairs, Merlin pretended he hadn't seen that display of giddy happiness, as if no time had passed at all and Arthur was confident Merlin knew how big of a deal it was for him to act like this. If Merlin understood Morgana well because they had survived the same kind of ordeal, Arthur still knew Merlin understood him better than anyone could.

Arthur called Hunith the second they were seated in his car. She was a bit unhappy as she had expected them, if not at home right at this time, then at least soon. But she wasn't angry and when Arthur chatted about how well it had gone with Morgana and how he had met Morgause and how they had a souvenir for her, she seemed to soften even more. She was truly happy that he was happy and Arthur really loved her for it. He felt so fortunate in so many ways at the moment.

Merlin seemed quite tired as soon as Arthur ended the call. He didn't seem comfortable and after he lowered his seat, it seemed that he was way too comfortable. "You are going to keep me company for the ride, right?" Arthur asked, but he could see that Merlin had no will to stay awake.

"Do I have to?" he asked and turned to his side (as well as one could with a seat belt on). "Obviously, yes." Arthur said matter of factly. "Can't you talk to your beloved car or something?" Merlin grumbled, but made the effort to raise his seat again.

About half of the drive Arthur made Merlin converse with him and only in the first ten minutes he attempted to start a serious conversation with his boyfriend, but when they were halfway home he stopped and told Merlin to get into the back seat and have some sleep. Merlin hadn't complained, but it had been insufferable to watch how much effort it had taken for him to keep his focus on Arthur.

Once in the back seat, Merlin fell asleep immediately and for the rest of the journey Arthur listened to whatever radio station he could get a signal for. It was a bit lonely at first, but when Arthur got used to it, he actually started to feel oddly peaceful. The presence of Merlin sleeping was comfortable and the hit pop music playing made it all seem so ordinary and Arthur finally understood what Merlin had meant by saying that it shouldn't feel 'special'. They were dating and that meant things felt more nice, comfortable, precious, beautiful, unique and many more things, but not like those moments that needed to be chased or worked hard for. It was the beauty of it, Arthur would do everything for Merlin, but in fact he didn't need to. Merlin wasn't asking him to give up anything in order to keep him.

When Arthur parked the car in front of their home, Merlin woke up. It was a blessing as Arthur had started to fret over the different ways he could try to wake Merlin up. He didn't want to ruin the ending of this day too, he knew that he was as tired as he had been yesterday. He would be perfectly happy with seeing Hunith, getting home and sleeping next to Merlin, hoping he could avoid every source of drama. He also wished that school didn't start tomorrow, but one couldn't have everything now could they?

Hunith was happy to see them and she gave them both a warm hug, which Arthur was glad to reciprocate while Merlin grumbled something incoherent before he sloppily and lazily threw one arm over his mother's back. Hunith was very happy to get the roasted nuts and Arthur wanted to tell her everything in one go, but Hunith told them to go to sleep, it was a school day tomorrow after all and Arthur was happy to do just that. He could tell her all about it tomorrow and they could show off the rest of the pictures after a good night's sleep. Football wouldn't start until Wednesday anyway, so they would have time.

Arthur wasn't sure if he was dead tired or ready to stay up the whole night (a state Merlin would refer to as 'on and off' in the years to come) until Merlin stated that he would take a shower.

"What if we took a bath together?" Arthur asked on an impulse and Merlin gave him his full attention. He didn't seem alarmed, just curious and (maybe?) nervous, so Arthur grinned and decided to push it a bit. "You could wear your swimming trunks. I heard that all the handsome men at the swimming pool have seen you in them." he said grinning and passed the now still Merlin to the bathroom.

"I so did not say anything about handsome men!" Merlin shouted after Arthur about two minutes too late and Arthur laughed. He stripped and started to run water for a bath, feeling generally good about the world. He didn't even care much if Merlin was joining him or not. The door was open and he didn't have to worry about it. He could just relax and Merlin would at least wait for him in their bed.

When the tub was filled halfway, Arthur climbed in. Bath was the one piece of luxury he had never had in his life and he could honestly say he loved it. Even if the bath was on the small side, the warm water relaxed Arthur. He closed his eyes and let his head fall to rest on the edge of the tub, his arms draped over the edges. His mind was totally blank and he only had to focus on staying awake. It was bliss.

The surface of the water rose when Merlin stepped into the tub. Arthur didn't open his eyes even if he was caught off guard. Merlin could move surprisingly quietly when he wanted to. Arthur bent his right leg to make some room for Merlin, but otherwise he didn't acknowledge Melin in anyway.

The water rose dangerously high, but didn't flow over and so Arthur still didn't even open his eyes. The silence dragged, but it was a comfortable silence. Arthur could feel Merlin against his left calf. The tub wasn't big enough for the two of them, not really, and his leg would start to feel numb after a while, but it was alright. The only thought swimming around Arthur's mind was that he would add a bigger tub to the list of features for his future dream home.

Eventually, Arthur lazily opened his eyes. Merlin was sitting with his back against the very end of the tub (which wasn't far away from Arthur at all), hugging his bent knees. Usually Arthur took that as a sign of Merlin feeling insecure, but now his chin was resting on his knees and his eyes looking much, much lower than Arthur's eyes. It made Arthur blush, but the interest evident in Merlin's eyes was too flattering for Arthur to feel uncomfortable. Merlin himself had his stupidly old swimming trunks on as Arthur could clearly see the green colour through the water. He ended up wondering who on earth had decided it was a good idea to print pictures of pineapples on any kind of clothing and when had Merlin gotten the said swimming trunks in the first place until Merlin lifted his gaze.

Merlin lowered his eyes to his knees as soon as he realised Arthur was watching him and blushed. Whatever Arthur had thought or Merlin had said in the past, in that moment Arthur decided that Merlin was, in fact, shy. The realisation made Arthur smile and he wondered what Will would say if he told him that.

Merlin reached to take some shampoo, not looking at Arthur while Arthur just grinned at the scene in front of him. Merlin was so close... there seemed to still be a wall preventing him from touching Merlin more than he already was, but it was still good. Even if there wasn't much to see with Merlin's legs in front of him, he was still there, almost naked and scrubbing shampoo on his hair, making it stick up in foamy spikes. What was there not to like?

"Could you maybe try and be a bit creepier?" Merlin broke the silence and looked at Arthur from under his brows. "That would be quite hard, but I will try." Arthur replied with as serious a tone as he could muster and Merlin snorted. Encouraged by that, Arthur leaned forward and ran his hand across Merlin's soapy hair. The foam felt funny and so he ruffled Merlin's hair causing the soap to splatter.

"Hey!" Merlin complained and rinsed his face while Arthur laughed, not necessarily at Merlin, but from the feeling of the situation. He was happy, he had gotten to feel how Merlin's hair felt while being washed and he couldn't feel his left calf anymore. He was sure this couldn't get any better until Merlin leaned forward and manoeuvred onto his knees, reaching to wash Arthur's hair too. Blood rushed to Arthur's left foot and it started to prickle and Merlin used so much shampoo that the foam trickled down his face, but his heart raced and his mind was empty once more.

Merlin's hands rubbed small circles on his scalp and neck. His knees were so close to Arthur's crotch and Arthur could smell Merlin's scent as his chest was close to his face. Arthur closed his eyes and enjoyed it all. His hands moved on their own to rest on Merlin's sides. Merlin didn't react one way or another and it was all the better. Arthur kind of knew that they had to wake up at seven o'clock and that it was at least half past ten by now, but he would rather suffer tomorrow than rest by going to sleep anytime soon.

When Merlin shifted his hands, Arthur made a disapproving sound and Merlin chuckled. Arthur opened his eyes slowly to see Merlin smile that smile he loved the most. Merlin's eyes were still focused on Arthur's hair and his hands returned there to form spikes on both sides of Arthur's head. The smile never left his features and he laughed softly when Arthur looked up, mock concern affecting the expression on his face.

"Now you look like Astro Boy" Merlin laughed when he removed his hands, this time just letting them slide to Arthur's shoulders and staying there. "Who?" Arthur had to ask even if he had a hunch it was something that really didn't interest him at all.

"Astro Boy. There was a chapter of the golden age of comic books in literature last year, remember? Astro boy was the only Asian example. I wrote my essay of it." Merlin replied sounding like he didn't really care. "Hmm... What did I write that one about?" Arthur mused not really making the connection and Merlin noticed it. "Superman, who else." He said rolling his eyes.

"Oh yeah, the one I asked you to make some suggestions for!" Arthur grinned and Merlin scoffed. "You mean the one I re-wrote for you?" And Arthur laughed at the expression "Yeah, that one!". Merlin rolled his eyes but Arthur knew he was a bit pleased at the memory of how thankful Arthur had been at the time. He wished he had shown how grateful he had been of Merlin's help and presence a lot more often back then.

"You'll help me this year too, right?" Arthur asked jokingly "No way, do your own work." Merlin replied bluntly but he was again looking Arthur straight in the eyes and smiling, so Arthur smiled too.

"Come here." he said and pulled Merlin forward. Merlin yelped when his knees slipped and he fell face first to the water. Some of the water flew over and Merlin sputtering didn't help at all. Finally he managed to place his hands on the edge of the tub and pull himself above the water while Arthur laughed his ass off. He got a splash of water to his face for that, but he couldn't really stop laughing even to spit the soapy water out of his mouth.

"You utter clotpole!" Merlin groaned with passion, but Arthur still couldn't stop laughing. Merlin shook his heads and gave him a murderous look, but he was still balancing himself against the edge of the tub behind Arthur's back and so he was close, so close, and right then there seemed to be no boundaries and so Arthur reached for Merlin. He didn't know where exactly he wanted to touch, maybe it didn't matter really, but his hand landed on Merlin's neck. He swept his thumb across Merlin's cheek and Merlin leaned to the touch before he lowered himself to kiss Arthur.

That moment there was nothing, absolutely nothing for Arthur in this world but the kiss and Merlin. For once he wasn't worried he might not be considerate enough towards Merlin, for once he didn't think of what he was supposed or not supposed to do, of tomorrow or if he was good enough or not.

His face was wet and Merlin's hair dripped more water onto his face making the kiss extremely wet and messy. Arthur licked some of the water from Merlin's lips, took a strong hold of Merlin's waist to stabilise him and opened his legs as much as he could in the narrow space to get him closer and Merlin followed his movements eagerly. The tub restricted his movements and that frustrated Arthur, but even the amount of struggling to get what he wanted didn't bother him at the moment. Arthur broke the kiss to let out a long moan when Merlin was finally, properly against his naked body. He had wanted this, needed this, so much…

There was only the wet material of Merlin's swimming trunks in between them and Arthur felt his breath catch in his throat when he felt Merlin hard against his own equal hardness. This was it, the evidence that Merlin wanted him like he wanted Merlin, that he had been craving without knowing what he had wanted. Much like he needed to be able to just be out there and hold Merlin's hand and call him 'love' or just introduce them as a couple, he needed to feel with his body and soul that Merlin wanted him.

And then Merlin slid his hand lower while kissing Arthur's neck and Arthur lost all thought. They had done this once before and Arthur just hoped, was ready to plead even, that Merlin would touch him. There was a fire in between his legs and it needed to be touched by Merlin. Right now.

And Merlin did. Something incoherent left Arthur's mouth and he hugged Merlin as close as he could while Merlin touched him gently in between them. Up and down, Arthur lost all comprehension of space and time, feeling only Merlin. He wouldn't last long like this. A quick thought of whether or not the bath water would hide the smell that had made Merlin panic the last time crossed Arthur's mind, but he couldn't hold onto the thought long enough to actually ask or even become concerned. He just hoped it would, because there was nothing he could do to stop himself from coming.

"Merlin..." he breathed out and in seconds Merlin was kissing him again. Bath water was surely spilling onto the bathroom floor and Arthur almost missed the softest of whispers from Merlin. "I love you..." echoed in Arthur's mind over and over again and suddenly Merlin wasn't close enough. The small patch of wet fabric, the awkward ankle, even the water in between their skin seemed too much.

Arthur moved his hands to get a hold of anything that was Merlin, who was firmly lodged in between his legs, stroking Arthur in the most delicious way, so all Arthur could do was to try and run his hands across Merlin's back and pull him closer. His hands met the hem of Merlin's trunks under water and he slid his other hand to feel the curve of Merlin's buttocks while the other attempted to bring Merlin closer to his chest.

It was then that Merlin's knee seemed to slip again and Merlin's body turned to fully fill the v-shape of Arthur's open legs. His hold on Arthur tightened suddenly and Arthur was pushed over the edge. He squeezed Merlin close and a breathless yelp left his lips and his vision went white for a moment before breaking into hundreds of bright lights.

It was like time had slowed for a few seconds so he could process it all. The sweet release, Merlin's body against his, the scent of the shampoo Merlin had chosen, a series of small noises Merlin was making, the smallest movement of Merlin's body in between his thighs, his own muscles getting lax…

And then he felt it, a warm spurt on his thigh, a small shudder that traveled through Merlin's whole body, a broken "Ah!" sound just next to his collarbone where Merlin buried his face… Merlin too, had come and it made Arthur's breath hitch and his heart skipped a beat. His mind ceased coherent thought on the realisation they had found release together. There were no words for it. It was the best feeling, to be able to get there with Merlin.

Arthur gathered what little strength he had left and wrapped his arms around Merlin. He breathed through his mouth onto Merlin's neck and let the moment sink in fully.

When his thinking slowly started to work again, he realised that Merlin had turned his head to look at him the best he could. Arthur let his arms relax and Merlin took the opportunity to pull back so he could see Arthur's face. His expression was so concentrated, so sharp that it felt like a mental slap to Arthur's mushy feeling brain. Merlin looked to concerned and Arthur didn't unders-

'What if you don't like me like that...' Merlin had said just this morning, which felt like it had happened last year and now Arthur saw the connection. His idiot of a boyfriend hadn't known if he would like to see this side of him for whatever stupid, moronic reason that despicable excuse of a human being (who Arthur refused to even spare a thought at the moment) had planted on his head! 'Don't you dare to look at me like that you-'

"Idiot. You complete- love, I love you, oh God, come here..." Arthur kissed every inch of Merlin's face at the same time he spoke and tried his best to get Merlin to understand how amazing he was even if he had no idea what he was saying. That eventually made Merlin laugh, which in turn made Arthur smile and when Arthur opened his eyes, the tension had left Merlin's face.

Soon after the tub started to feel uncomfortable. What Arthur was able to ignore before became now apparent. His legs were pressed in between the tub edge and Merlin, who wasn't exactly buoyant in such a small amount of water. The water had also cooled down quite a lot and his skin was sticking to the enamel of the tub. Besides, he wanted to hug Merlin properly, preferably dry.

Merlin seemed to have similar thoughts because he removed the plug and reached for the shower head. Arthur let Merlin rinse his hair and he didn't even complain when Merlin seated himself to the far end of the tub (which really wasn't that far away). The water was slowly draining and Arthur was getting cold, but when he was about to gather his limbs and get out to dry, Merlin gave him a shy look and thrusted the shower head to Arthur who almost dropped it. Merlin's jaw moved slightly like he was chewing his own tongue for a while before he turned his eyes to look at the bathroom door.

"You said you'd like to see me too..." He said quietly and kept looking at the door so intently that Arthur had an urge to check if there was actually someone there, but he suppressed that feeling and instead breathed "yes", truly wanting to see Merlin without those ridiculous pineapple printed-

Merlin gave him an unreadable look and then dropped his gaze. Arthur realised he was holding the shower head with his both hands like a bouquet of flowers and the water was still running. That did not feel too intelligent, but Merlin was reaching for his trunks and Arthur couldn't move.

Taking off a pair of wet trunks in a tub wasn't an easy or graceful event and even Merlin, who tried to keep his movements minimal, had to admit that he had to stand up in order to accomplish the task. Arthur just sat there staring openly.

Merlin's pubic hair was the same shade of black as his hair, which didn't surprise Arthur. The thin line of hair, that started from Merlin's navel, Arthur had seen before. But now he saw how that joined to a perfect diamond of black hair that didn't pass the hem of his boxers like Arthur's did. In the middle of it all was nestled his now soft cock that was slightly longer than Arthur's and also a shade darker. Arthur had a sudden urge to compare it to his own in detail and he realised how absurd it felt to sit in an almost empty tub, naked, wanting to check which of them had hairier balls and he chuckled.

Merlin, who had sat down as fast as he had been able to and started rinsing his hair (which he had already done once) snapped his eyes to Arthur's as if electrocuted, but Arthur just smiled back at him. "You are beautiful" he said. He didn't think that there was anything else to say. He wasn't sure when Merlin had taken the shower head from his grip.

Merlin ducked his head once more, but not before Arthur saw a smile break and a blush colour Merlin's cheeks.

The bathroom floor was soaked, even as most of the water seemed to have reached the drain under their sink. Not sure if it would dry on its own, Arthur spread his towel on the floor and wiped what he could after he had dried himself. He left the towel on the edge of the tub alongside Merlin's trunks (which print Arthur didn't find funny anymore) and brushed his teeth, a satisfied smile never leaving his face.

By the time he was ready, Merlin had already curled under their covers wearing his purple pyjamas. He looked so cute like that and Arthur was sure that no bed would ever look as comfortable as one with his own pillow, his own blanket and Merlin in it. And who cared if there was a pillow or not as long as Merlin looked so comfortable.

A fresh pair of boxers and pyjama bottoms, a trip downstairs to get two glasses of water and a goodnight to Hunith, who was drinking her evening tea in their living room, later and Arthur was more than content to nestle himself into Merlin's arms and close his eyes. He decided not to tell Merlin that he was fairly sure he had never seen Hunith eat or drink anything in their living room or that she never listened to music so late at night. He just hoped the bathroom door downstairs had been closed the whole time and that what people said about sound traveling through pipes in old houses was just a rumour he had heard.

* * *

The morning came far too quickly with the "Morning sunshine!" and curtains being drawn open by Merlin not appearing in the list of what Arthur wanted to see the first thing in the morning. He groaned and turned back into his pillows, hoping Merlin was there to be hugged and not paddling around the room collecting whatever he seemed to think was so bloody necessary so early in the morning and definitely not getting dressed.

On their way to school however, Arthur felt confident that this year would be great. Merlin walked the first half of their way close to his side and let his hand brush against Arthur's now and then. He asked if they could go on a date next weekend giving Arthur that shy expression he had discovered just last night. Even the wet snow and about zero degrees seemed magical to Arthur at the moment.

"Since when have you considered going to a therapist?" Merlin asked just when the school came into view. Arthur wanted to tell Merlin he had the worst timing ever, but he could see and hear from his tone that Merlin had wanted to ask this the whole morning, maybe the whole time since Arthur had mentioned it to Morgana.

"I lied" he said matter of factly. He had been relieved that Merlin hadn't said anything in front of Morgana and forgotten it soon after as that was what it had obviously been: a lie.

"Huh?" Merlin was confused and Arthur felt something in between annoyed and embarrassed. "I'm not going to sit on a couch and talk about my childhood to a complete stranger" he said emphatically and gave Merlin a stern look.

"But you said-" Merlin started but Arthur just talked over top of him. They were almost at the parking lot and Arthur could see Oliver's car. "You quit therapy too. I'll pretend to consider it when you start going again" he said hoping Merin would drop it, but he persisted. "But you said-" and this time Arthur turned around and placed his hand on Merlin's shoulder, cutting him off once more by stating "That Morgana and I have been raised that way. I just said what she needed to hear."

Merlin just stared at him. Arthur flashed him a grin and patted Merlin's cheek lightly before he turned around and called Oliver who was over in the parking lot. "What about not piling it all up on my shoulders?!" Merlin shouted after him and Arthur laughed "Tough luck, you just have to live with it!"

"Clotpole!" was the only reply he got.

"You planning on getting on Merlin's nerves this year too?" Oliver asked him when he joined Arthur. Arthur glanced behind him and saw Merlin waving at Vivian, whose driver had driven her right there next to Merlin. Merlin was smiling a full smile and when Vivian started to talk, he too glanced at Arthur and their eyes met. For just a moment there was something tender in Merlin's eyes and Arthur understood. 'I love you too' he thought before he turned to look at Oliver again.

"Yes, definitely." he answered to his clearly clueless friend before he changed the topic to football. Yes, this year he would work his hardest and someday his friends would see him and Merlin for everything they really meant to each other.

* * *

A/N Astro Boy, the comic that teaches us that even if someone is different they might have feelings... and that it's alright to be different if you save the world at least once before you turn ten :D ... Seriously speaking, I love comics from that time period, I just need to read them remembering the time they were made, in between two world wars and slightly after.

But yeah, a long wait, a long chapter and a lot of thinking. I hope that at least some of you enjoyed it, but hey! At least there are no too many spelling mistakes for this one because I had a beta for this chapter! A huge thank you for MalteseFalconM! I hope we can work together with the next chapter too!

The next chapter or two (I haven't yet decided if I will cut it in two parts, even the raw version I have almost ready is too long...) will present Mithian and more Morgana, some drama and some more fluff. This story is seriously dragging and it's too long, just too long, but hey, this is my hobby now and if even one person enjoyed reading this chapter too, then I have used my time well :)

Have a great spring everyone, hope to see you again soon!

-L

mersan123 Hi! Great that you enjoyed it :) Yes, Morgana was quite out of control, angry, bitter... Merlin kind of lost t because he knows he has gone through the same, he has had less time to learn to cope and even if he knows how much he has to thank his support group for how well he is doing at the moment, it just hurts and annoys a hell (sorry) out one when someone has failed to do the same and don't even seem to realize it... They all had luck it all turned out so well (or my obsession of a happy ending more than luck, but whatever...) Arthur and Merlin still have a long way to go in good and bad, but yes, some issues needs to be cleared. But yes, that Arthur can also lean on Merlin when he needs it is very important. I think that even in a normal (did I really use a word 'normal'?, anyway, you know what I mean.) relationship there are time when both need to feel secure that can have support, that they can be weak at times. Both Merlin and Arthur need support and if they can gee it to one other, that is great. Of course they need others too, it is very arduous to just share someone's problems between the someone and you. I'm happy was able to make you feel like you got an extra Christmas present, I hope you had an awesome Christmas!

Greedy Reader Hello Friend! Yes, Morgana is testing Arthur, not very logically or even consciously, but she too is testing her boundaries. We will get back to what is going on in Morgana's head, but for now, let's just say that she was way more stressed of meeting her brother than Arthur was. That's why she tried to keep the upper ground in every way she could. She bought Morgause without telling Arthur, she tried to act like she wasn't affected, she was late, dismissive, even abusive. But she needs friends and she needs Arthur, the last one who she can call family (besides Morgause who btw was the girl Morgana kissed to annoy Uther. Arthur remembered distantly someone blonde being present when he saw his father hit Morgana.). She was, and maybe still is in a state where she can't really say what she want's from Arthur, what she want's to be to Arthur and what she can be for Arthur. That confusion made her angry about well, anything really. In the show I kind of thought that Merlin really knew the best what Morgana was going through, but when she turned evil, he never forgave her even if he knew why she had turned like that. Merlin had a better support group, he had luck and he had a purpose, but still, he had managed to stay hidden, search for the right people to be his friends, and most of all, stay kind and compassionate. So, I figured he would also in my version be somewhat annoyed to see how she treated Arthur. That's why he snapped, but as it happened, Morgana didn't walk away, but chose to show her more vulnerable side - they will get along in the future ;) Oh! So you are one of those who like Mergana! I have to say that they do make sense and I would have so much wanted to see them more as friends in the show (I didn't really even like the romance stuff in the original show that much actually, I don't actually like shipping characters that are clearly very good friends, but I have no idea why I have made an exemption here... :P ) Morgause is also nice in my version, because I love happy endings. :D Then Arthur... Yes, he was so stressed. Even if he's not burned out at the moment, he has so much pressure to be so many things all the time, that a nice holiday after such a tiring day... well, you can imagine how much Arthur wanted just exactly that: relaxed time with nothing to do somewhere where he can't do anything for the regular school and football and on top of that, Merlin was relaxed too. Just hours before he had been so much stronger and handled something far better than Arthur and now he was just next to him and happy. It was somehow a moment where Arthur understood how simple being happy like that was and so it's quite hard to just dismiss it and go back to being stressed. He doesn't even need sex or anything like that. He just wants to act like Merlin's boyfriend without fear and worry. I guess that's something quite a many homosexuals go through. Stupid world. Ah! Hunith is home, this was Arthur's and Merlin's first trip alone ;) (To me, they are seventeen. I went to my first trip with a mixed gender group of friends (I didn't have anyone at the time, but few of my friends were couples) abroad, when I was 16 and first time to camping when I was 14, so... This could be different in some cultures...) Yes, I'm from Finland. So now you are 1/4 part of my kind mentally... I can't congratulate you because we Finns tend to thing ourself a bit... well, read scandinavian and the world. I am quite late, but hey, Merry Christmas and A Happy New Year! Friend :)

Janson is a stupid name, Aithusa is far better! Especially if the fur ball is white. Does a partner count as a pet? If so then yes, but no animals. Sadly I'm too much out of the house for one :/

Thank you so much for your very kind wishes for all of us, I hope every single one of them comes true :) I agree that the last year sucked monkey balls but what can we do? Try to better ourselves, as you said. You sure are right that these 'mini-conversations' are unusual way of communicating and it is a bit funny to call someone a friend whom name or even nationality I don't know, but hey, we still know one another in a way and who said that wasn't a definition of a friend?

Angel Dove1 You were so right! Morgana was late and Merlin definitely let Arthur battle his battles until he himself snapped :D Ah, yeah, Morgause, I wanted to keep her as her half sister because first of all it fit well in my story and second, I don't like when some writers mess up the original family ties in ff. I'm always at least a little bit 'why, why?!' every time I start to read a fix where Freya is Merlin's sister or ... I have more examples to this, but I just can't remember more right now :P Anyway, I think you get the idea :D I hope you liked what I did with the owner of the inn in this chapter, this is kind of something I think quite a many gay- and even straight couples have witnessed. My friend (girl) once told me she and her boyfriend had to change their accommodation because some guests started to be very rude at them, like they were there just for sex and 'most probably without their parents permission, when in fact they were visiting her boyfriend's grand mother who was supposed to have them in guest room but then she had some water damage so she paid them to go to a band b nearby... people seriously sometimes... And Arthur, yes, he is dong extremely well taking it all in to consideration, but of course it's hard when you are doing that all yourself, not getting nearly enough answers or advise and then on top of it he can't even be openly happy of what he has... And what feels the unfairest of all, is that if Merlin was a girl, there would be no problem. How is that fair? ... Merlin in satin. That was an impulse on my part, but hey, who wouldn't want to see Merlin in satin and give him a hug. Imagine his face then! :D Happy New year to you too even if it's seriously late!

Larvitar ch.40 Wow, thank you so much! I know what you mean and besides, I wanted to make a happy recovery story (sounds weird but I think you understand what I mean :) ) in deatil and so it would have also been quite depressing to read me going on and on about Merlin taking step forward and step back all the time. I also want to give hope to those who have gone through something like this and remind the rest that even if it's hard work, recovery is always possible. That's why I thought that Merlin's character fit the story very well in the first place :P It's so nice that you have taken your time to write me this many reviews, so a huge thank you for each and every of them! I hope you enjoyed this new chapter :)

ch.44 You are so sweet! Yes, I'm better :) I'm just super busy right now because it messed up my school (which was already on the edge because of the time I have used for this story... My own fault, but I kind of pushed every deadline and then I got sick... you can imagine.) I have kept your words in mind when I have been feeling bad that I'm this late, again, you are so sweet!

Kaz the king ch. 3 Tight, right, working on that! I don't know why it's so hard for me to remember that one...

ch.5 Yep. G, c and th/ht. Impossible, I tell you. Great that you like the story, I hope you like this chapter, there shouldn't be mistakes like that now thanks to my amazing beta!

ch.12 I had to read ch.12 again for this comment... I read quite a lot of childhood depression (that as a term, means depression for under 18 years olds) and children in general show signs of depression very differently than adults. Merlin, in this chapter was frightened to go to sleep, do anything else that read some driving theory until midnight, mention his friends, physical contact... not to mention that this was one of the first chapters Merlin was self harming. Scratching is one quite common sign that a child or teen strongly hates their own body, themselves. Acting out, while also a normal part of being teenager, is not a sign of balanced mind either. Especially towards friends and to fight about something Merlin really didn't even want to talk about. Like for an example if you compare a teen snapping to someone who keeps asking if banana is yellow / shouting to their face that bananas are blue and thinking at the same time 'what the hell am I doing..' It's kind of a sign of losing one self. Dramatic mood changes for seemingly no reason, fear of strangers, actually pleading for the abuse to stop, more cutting... Merlin was so not alright in this chapter, but people are also quite good at hiding things like this. It's the survival mode where one can live on the edge and still show almost normal face. That was what I wanted to write about at that part of the story. I hope this long rambling answered to some of your questions, if not don't hesitate on asking :)

ch. 14 I think this we already talked about. Thank you for your understanding and concern.

ch. 17 About this I also wrote a reply for you, I am not going to add trigger warnings for they are already in the story summary. I think it would take out some of the shock value I want to keep in order to make an impact and raise awareness of the topic. I hope you have not felt that there was a nasty surprise in any part of the story and if you feel I have missed a warning, please tell about them to me and I will add them to the summary.

MalteseFalconM Thank you so much for the great compliment and all the work you did for this chapter! I have already thanked you, but I'm not sure I can thank you enough. So once more: Thank you!


	53. Chapter 53 - Valentine's day extra

'So it doesn't get any better the second time' Merlin thought while he watched Arthur drive to the gate and out while Merlin stood in front of Vivian's mansion. He would have said 'house', but seriously, it was a mansion. It felt unsettling and unnecessary taking into consideration that Vivian and her father were the only ones to inhabit the space, but what did Merlin know?

Ringing the doorbell was as futile as it had been the last time Merlin had visited Vivian. The butler was already by the door, no doubt he had seen Arthur's car, and the door opened the second Merlin rang the doorbell. It was actually interesting: where was the line of absolute politeness? Was it hovering between a guest not having to wait more than a millisecond for a response to their request and the staff stepping in with what the guest needed before they were even ready to ask for it? Merlin wondered if he could have camped outside for hours and not be disturbed while the butler insisted on taking his coat.

"Miss is in the kitchen, she is waiting for you sir." The butler sounded exactly as he was supposed to. That was highly disturbing, but Merlin said nothing. He knew very well how the butler felt about his precious Miss being in the kitchen area, of all places, and of Merlin by extension. Obviously it was his fault.

For once Merlin was happy to be scorned over.

The butler showed Merlin the way and he was thankful of that. He had gotten an almost full tour from Vivian the first time he had been there, but the tour hadn't involved 'the servants area'. Besides, even if it had, the place was enormous and Merlin was sure he wouldn't find his way out without help.

The kitchen too, was huge. It seemed that it could provide a three course meal for hundreds of people. Merlin was kind of reminded of the kitchen in Lee's house, but this was obviously a lot older. There was a baking oven built in the wall with a real fire and grill underneath it, but just next to them stood maybe the most modern set of ovens and induction stoves Merlin had even seen.

The kitchen was buzzing with life. There were four maids and an obvious chef and someone he assumed was a gardener as he fit the stereotype so severely that Merlin wanted to ask if he was paid to look like that. In the middle of it all sat Vivian on a high stool, wearing an apron and an excited smile. There were flours and bowls of dough and everything else they would need arranged neatly in front of her. No doubt the staff was responsible for those.

"You are late!" Vivian said cheerfully the second she saw Merlin, to which Merlin replied "No, I'm not." even if he was a little. But it was not his fault the place was huge! Arthur had left him here on time.

Vivian just waved her hand and rolled her eyes, not losing the cheerful edge. Maybe if Merlin concentrated on just the counter in front of him and the cookies they were supposed to make for Valentine's day, he would be alright.

It had been Gwen's idea to begin with. She had talked about baking something for all her friends and asked what Merlin and Vivian would like when Vivian had surprised them both by actually getting interested in baking something. The idea of baking something together had formed from there, but such had been her luck that Gwen had to go to visit her grandparents on the weekend and with Valentine's day being on Monday, Merlin was stuck alone with Vivian. Not wanting her to come to his home and kitchen to criticize, Merlin had agreed on coming to Vivian's.

Merlin had bought chocolate, decorations in different shapes and some edible gold and silver dust. Vivian had promised to take care of the dough and by the look of it, the chef had made three different ones for them to use. In Merlin's opinion that didn't really count as baking, but he decided not to say anything. He was too afraid that Vivian would lose her good spirit and call her father and, to be frank, Merlin was terrified of him.

The last time Merlin had been here, he was sure Sir Olaf had hated him. An older man with wealth and power who was famous for his bad temper. Just thinking of it made Merlin's stomach lurch, so he hoped he could keep Vivian happy enough but never too happy. He really wished he could just finish this already.

"You know I could have gotten all this and more. You sure this will be enough?" Vivian gave a critical look to the items Merlin had bought. "Yes." he answered. Something in Vivian's attitude just made him forget all the threats he felt and answer with little empathy or politeness. He wished so much he would not need to regret that and that he could run out easily if he went in the direction he had seen the gardener leave.

Vivian shrugged and reached for the nearest bowl. "Well then, you tell me what to do next." she said with an entitled tone and looked at the dough like it should bake itself on Vivian's command.

"...You have never baked before?" Merlin had to ask and Vivian looked at him with ... hopeful eyes. That was... almost disturbing. "Well, let's put some flour on the table first". Merlin hoped he wouldn't mess this up because Vivian reached for the flour immediately. It was like… Vivian trusted him. If not in anything else then at least with this.

It was a strange ordeal after that. It seemed that every maid in the house came through the kitchen at least twice just to see Vivian baking. Vivian paid no attention to them, like they weren't visible, while she listened to every word Merlin said like it was gospel. It was unnerving at it's best, but in the end they finished without incident. Well, the first patch burned slightly on the edges and for that Vivian gave Merlin the dirtiest look a young woman with blonde curls and a doll like face could muster. The look lasted until Merlin sat in front of the oven and bought back a batch of perfectly baked cookies.

Merlin watched the rest of the cookies like a hawk while Vivian just stared at the ready ones, but it was alright. Merlin felt a bit happy, actually. Maybe it had been a good decision to come over after all. Vivian was covered in flour and there was a speck of chocolate on her chin, but she didn't even seem to notice and Merlin was sure he had never thought Vivian looked prettier than she did right now. He kind of hoped he could tell that to her, but everything he could think of while watching the cookies bake sounded either suspicious or too gay, so he left it.

Merlin suddenly felt very thankful towards his mother who had involved him in cooking and baking throughout his childhood. Even if he wasn't much of a baker really.

There was so much cookie dough that after they had cut out about three hundred (in Merlin's opinion) hearts and stars, Merlin decided to make some round ones for the football team. He would tell them they were footballs. Vivian had rolled her eyes at that idea and stated that all the footballers were idiots, but helped Merlin come up with a pattern that made the cookies look footballish (according to Vivian).

It wasn't until Vivian offered a cookie shaped like a horse (whose leg had broken off) to one of the maids, who looked like she would faint soon, that Merlin understood that Vivian was never in such a good mood.

"Who are you going to give your cookies to?" Merlin asked, feeling confident that Vivian wouldn't lash out at him. "Hmm... To father and mother and maybe Mrs. Brown." she answered, as if she didn't care one way or another. "Not to Gwen?" Merlin asked innocently, but still genuinely eager to know. "Well, obviously to Gwen, that's just good manners."

Merlin was about to comment on how 'good manners' and Vivian were not two things you would consider appearing in the same sentence when the door to the kitchen opened, making Merlin squeeze one of the stars he had been moving into baking tin. Vivian looked at the ruined cookie with displeasure while Merlin realised that it had just been one of the maids again. Could he ask where Vivian's father was and could he expect him to pop up suddenly? No, not really... he kept forgetting the impending threat of his appearance, but somehow even the smallest of changes in the atmosphere seemed to rouse his panic.

"So umm, no-one special you'd like to give one to?" Merlin asked nervously, mostly to cover up the awkward moment. He tried to clear the broken cookie up at the same time.

"Hmph, you know I can't really meet any boys when our school is full of such immature excuses for men." Vivian scoffed and Merlin had to chuckle at that, again his panic forgotten. "Yeah, you tell me. Every boy in our school, just horrible!" he said in his best sarcastic tone and Vivian made an (almost) amused snort.

"Well, at least you have made the wise decision in hanging out with me and Gwen." she said. Merlin was ready to roll his eyes but then he saw something, a small spark in Vivian's eyes.

She was kidding. She was actually being sarcastic and now Merlin was able to better understand the way Vivian acted. She actually had a very peculiar sense of humour. And Merlin had known that, in a way, so did he. He had told Arthur and Lee (and Arthur again) how Vivian was just sure of herself and what she wanted and that she was funny in her own way, but it was in this moment that Merlin realised how right he was. He actually liked Vivian.

"Yes, well, I'm known to be smart" he replied and Vivian laughed. She actually laughed.

"So what does your mother do?" he asked as he started to cut some more star shaped cookies. "Ah, she spends most of the time traveling around. All over the world, but she comes home for the holidays, even if it's just Valentine's day." she replied, while showing more concentration than Merlin had ever seen display previously to arranging some sugar hearts on the round cookies. The ones that were supposed to go to the 'idiot footballers'.

"That's... nice?" Merlin had no idea if he should be sorry or not. "No, she and father are married, but I'm sure she has a string of lovers around the world." Vivian replied matter of factly, causing Merlin to stop what he was doing and stare. That was so... casual.

"But I don't care, she brings me the best gifts every time and nothing is ever bad, not really." Vivian was still concentrating on the cookies and Merlin kept staring at her until he felt he had to say something.

"I'm sorry" he said and earned the ugliest look from Vivian. "Who asked you to be sorry? I don't need your sorry!" she snapped and Merlin resumed his quiet staring. Vivian huffed and turned back to the cookies. There was chocolate in her hair now too and she had somehow managed to get silver dust on her cheek, but she looked so mad that Merlin chose to stay quiet.

They went back to working in silence and after, maybe, the tenth baking tin full of cookies later, Merlin had had enough time to think. How long had he known Vivian again and how well did he know her?

He couldn't remember when Vivian had changed from an annoying character that he and Gwen made fun of when she was being too much to someone Merlin sat with every lunch and wanted to bake cookies with. Because this _was_ fun when Merlin forgot about Sir Olaf. And Vivian was the one who had managed to wriggle into his life when he had been at his absolute worst. In a way, even if she was a petite blonde, Merlin thought of her as someone as steady as a rock with a fierce determination. Now that he thought more about it, even if Sir Olaf suddenly burst into the kitchen Vivian would surely stand in between him and Merlin, if needed.

So _of course_ Vivian didn't want or need his pity.

"Can I copy your design? It's cute." Merlin broke the silence and Vivian gave her most regal look. "Yes. But you can't give it to Arthur, understood?" Merlin had to laugh a little to that. One of these days he would get to the bottom of why Vivian didn't like Arthur.

"So alright, you don't like any of the boys in our school... what kind of a boy _would_ you be interested in?" Merlin asked, feeling brave. Vivian gave him a sideways look at that. "Not a _boy_ , it has to be a man. Someone I couldn't eat for breakfast. Someone who is calm and kind, obviously, but will not be bullied. Someone... a bit like you, but not you, obviously. Besides, you are too young for me."

Merlin felt he had been startled so much today that surely his eyes would fall out if he kept this up. "That's... awfully insightful of you." A new feeling of admiration came over Merlin. It was clear Vivian knew why most of the people in their school would keep themselves an arm's length away from her at all times and that any man worth having would need to be able to stand their ground with her when she was her most unreasonable.

Vivian flashed him a small smile, but Merlin had to ruin it by asking "Too young for you? Aren't we the same age? Have you failed more classes than I know of?" Vivian had been close to failing math last year and it was quite a sore spot for her. Merlin got a handful of nonpareils thrown at his head for that.

"Well, my ideal man is five to seven years older than me, he has a career and doesn't want children before I'm close to thirty. He knows what he wants and does what he has to do to get it, including me. He takes care of himself and works out, I hate to see men who act like their body is there just to keep their bones from flying apart." Vivian continued, which was rare. Vivian rarely talked about what she wanted or how she felt.

"And would he have to be rich and handsome?" Merlin asked, as Vivian had not mentioned either of the qualities he had expected to hear. "No, I have money, I just don't want to provide for him. And that is something everyone in this world seems to get wrong! Handsome... most of the people are well-proportioned enough that they could pass as handsome or beautiful if they just worked for it! You think I look like this the first thing in the morning? Or that I would look like I do before I get ready if I didn't go to hair salon once a month, if I didn't take care of my hygiene and had clothes that actually fit me? No! And that is the problem with people: 'Why is my nose so big? Why aren't my boobs big enough? I'm so ugly!' Well get a new haircut, improve your posture, workout a bit and stop the complaining! I wouldn't have even noticed the stupid nose if they did!"

"... that does make some sense..." Merlin managed to mutter when he was sure that Vivian was done. "Well, of course." she answered, matter of factly, like she hadn't just opened up about something that was clearly important to her. Merlin was vividly reminded of the time Vivian had tried (and in a way succeeded) to make him vegeterian. "And, um, I'm sorry for making assumptions. I think the qualities you listed are actually very good. I hope you find him eventually."

Vivian waved her hand dismissively, like it wasn't important, but there was a small smile tugging at her lips. Merlin smiled a bit to himself and turned his attention to the cookies again. This he had learned a long time ago: if something was important to Vivian, she tended to preach. With passion. She didn't do it often and she always waved it off like it had been something insignificant. For such a talkative girl she sure guarded her opinions fervently.

"So... what are you going to make for Arthur?" Vivian asked, like nothing had happened. "I would suggest this horse. You could tell him it's a donkey." she suggested cheerfully and Merlin chuckled. "Maybe..." He had already made quite a lot cookies he had decided were for Arthur. He would wrap some of the 'footballs' and stars in a box to make an assortment with a single heart on top. He had made quite a lot of hearts successfully and had trouble deciding which cookie to choose, but maybe he would make an even prettier one now that he had gotten the hang of decorating with chocolate.

Vivian sighed dramatically and Merlin realised he had been staring at some of the cookies. "Yes, yes, alright. Here." Vivian sighed with mock boredom in her tone and rolled her eyes. She handed a heart shaped cutter towards Merlin, bigger than one that they had previously used.

"Huh?" Merlin asked, his brain short circuiting. "Yeah, ok, I hid it before because I didn't want to see that face, but apparently it didn't work so here." She said and placed the cutter next to Merlin. The kitchen walls seemed to close in on them and even if Merlin couldn't take his eyes off the new heart-shaped cutter, he heard the kitchen door open and close again. He was sure it was Sir Olaf and he was ready to faint.

"What?" he asked instinctively. He felt like he was on thin ice in the middle of the lake he had lived next to as a child, looking at the dark water underneath it and remembering a story of spirits that liked to drag children into water and eat them. Being such a long time since summer and there being any children swimming around, they must have been really hungry.

"Please Merlin, you know I hate to repeat myself. I know you are dating." Vivian sounded slightly impatient but Merlin could only concentrate on the buzz in his ears. "Uh, with who." His voice was bland and there was no expression on his face, his mind focused on listening to every maid and cook and the sound of steps (that could belong to Sir Olaf) around him.

"Arthur! Who else?!" Merlin finally turned to face Vivian, who looked like she was about to pop a vein. Time seemed to move too fast now and all he could do was state the obvious. "You knew." Vivian threw her hands in the air. "Yes! And I thought you were the one who actually listened to what I said! I told you ages ago!" She was clearly frustrated with him, but to Merlin it seemed incorrectly directed towards him. He was standing there, learning that Vivian had known he and Arthur were together and Vivian voice was so loud that even the neighbours about ten kilometres away could hear her. She was not the one who should feel frustrated here, but when Merlin was about to snap at her to keep her voice down he realised what Vivian had said. "Ages ago?"

"Yes, when I lied to my father that you were already dating when you gave me that book with Gwen." Vivian had turned her attention to the cookies again and girl or not, Merlin was about to shake her and tell her to concentrate. This girl really had no people skills whatsoever!

"Lied?" He asked. He felt faint and pale, but he was starting to find himself quite upset with Vivian. "Yes, well you weren't obviously together yet, but it was just a matter of time, so what's the difference?" She said dismissively. "How am I supposed to know who you tell your father I am going out with? And how _dare_ you say things like that to anyone?! No wonder your father hates me I-" Merlin was truly mad now and when he realised when this had happened... Uther could have heard that he was dating Arthur... from Sir Olaf...when he had barely been able to talk to Arthur without fearing the consequences. He felt sick.

"My father doesn't hate you. He-" Vivian started, but then she must have seen how Merlin looked and she closed her mouth. Merlin was so mad at her... But it paled in comparison to the sick feeling in his stomach. He knew that it was too late to be this upset, nothing had happened after all... or maybe Uther had heard and that was why some of it had happened in the first place. Memories of the times Merlin had no idea why Uther had been so mad at him, hated him so much, were spinning through his mind and not helping at all. He needed to sit down.

Merlin pushed against Vivian's side to get her out of her chair and even without any strength in his now heavy feeling arms, Vivian jumped out of the chair and made room for Merlin. 'It's already over' Merlin tried to reason with himself. He didn't care about the maids around him anymore. He faintly heard a snap of fingers besides his ear and he briefly remembered Vivian was still there. The sugar and the chocolate smelled heavy and nauseating now. Until a fresh smell hit his nostrils.

Merlin opened his eyes and there was a mint tea in front of him. Made of fresh mint leaves and lemon and ginger. Merlin reached for it automatically and didn't even flinch when he felt Vivian's slender fingers on his wrist. She was again sitting on a chair and, funnily enough, Merlin wanted to ask why he had stood the whole day if there was another chair available.

Vivian actually looked sorry and she spoke with surprising care and a gentle voice. "Merlin, you realise that my father doesn't think any less of you because of who you choose to date and that goes for me too. Well, I think you could do better than _Arthur_ , but that is, again, your choice." Merlin was sure that Vivian would mock him if he cried now, but he was dangerously close to tears. He managed to let out a small, nervous laugh. "Who did he tell?" he asked fearing the answer.

"No-one. I told him not to. Besides... You know, we are an old family. There have been dark times in our history and I think everything from psychosis to drinking blood could be discovered about my ancestors if one dug long enough. Like all the old families, we keep to ourselves, but I have quite a good idea on my family's opinion about almost everything under the sun." Vivian kept talking and it was calming Merlin, who kept his eyes on his tea.

"Getting closer to the topic at hand, my father's sister is a lesbian. I think my grandmother legally disowned her ages ago, but my father has kept her in his life. He once told me that his mother could cut the connection between herself and her daughter, but that was the only thing she had power to do. That's why she's my father's sister now."

"Then why does he hate me?" Merlin asked in a broken tone. Vivian's story was... nice, but he had trouble believing it. Sir Olaf was so... he couldn't have actually done that?

"He doesn't hate you. I just don't think he is convinced that you are actually dating Arthur." Vivian seemed to find that a bit amusing, even if she was actually making the effort of hiding it. Merlin looked at her feeling utterly confused.

"He has known Arthur since, forever. I'm not sure if you knew this, but he's not actually Uther's friend, but Ygraine's. De Bois is an old family too and we had some alliances like hundred years ago or something." Vivian never explained anything in such detail normally and Merlin started to feel that he had made quite a scene.

"Who?" he asked weakly, before he realised he could break the mood by asking what Vivian clearly thought he already knew. "Arthur's mother. _Honestly_ Merlin... But anyway. My father thought I was lying to him and he doesn't like to doubt my word. So I think he doubts your word instead and he doesn't like anyone who lies to me." Vivian explained and Merlin still looked at her without truly understanding any of it.

"But you are here, that means he doesn't hate you. Besides, he has no say in it as long as you are my friend." Vivian said and Merlin laughed, a bit shakily but still. He now knew who was really in charge in this house. "If he would, you'd eat him for breakfast?" he asked and Vivian threw her curls behind her shoulders. "You bet I would." and just like that, Merlin wasn't afraid anymore. Embarrassed, as now that he looked up he could see how the maids were looking at him and he could tell that at least one of them didn't think too kindly of him anymore, but no longer scared. Sure, he was hiding behind a petite girl's back, but it was a way better place to be than at the forefront of her rage.

"If you want to help your case, make a dozen of these and write 'Arthur' in the middle before you leave." Vivian looked amused and placed the big heart cutter in front of Merlin again. Yeah, ok, he could do that. And maybe it wasn't the worst thing that Vivian knew. After all... they were friends. And wasn't this (part of it) just what he had wanted? Vivian had not changed her attitude towards Merlin in any way, that was for sure, and in a very bizarre way it seemed that Sir Olaf hadn't either. He was getting ready to forgive Vivian and tell her that, but first...

"Hey!" Vivian shrieked when Merlin dusted a liberal amount of the gold dust on Vivian's head.

* * *

When Arthur came to pick Merlin up later in the night, he asked why Merlin's hair was glowing silver, but the real question lurking on the tip of his tongue was why Vivian followed his boyfriend out and handed him a cookie, decorated with chocolate and sugar hearts.

"What is it?" Arthur had to ask of Merlin, trying to decide if he was happy that Vivian didn't seem to despise him anymore or afraid that the cookie was a joke aimed at making him look like a fool. "It's a donkey!" Merlin seemed to have a hysterical fit in the front seat and Vivian laughed at Merlin's answer like it had been the funniest joke she had ever heard. She was standing next to Arthur's car wearing a floral printed dress and she didn't even have shoes on, just lacey, white socks. The wind had picked up, Vivian's curls would soon become disheveled and she was clearly starting to feel cold.

It was the first time Arthur remembered seeing her laugh.

* * *

A/N Hello! Happy Valentine's day! I'm only almost a month late, but well, ups.

I wasn't sure if I should even write this or not, but then I asked from my awesome beta MalteseFalconM and here we are! I hope you enjoyed this little Merlin / Vivian friendship snippet that finaly tied up some of Vivian's character and revealed my little running joke of how Vivian actually told her father long ago that Merlin and Arthur were dating. :P

AngelDove1 and mersa123, thank you for your reviews, I can always trust on you guys to give feedback and kind words to motivate me to write more :) Everyone who have continued to read this far, thank you! There would be no point in writing without you. Have a great weekend you all!

AngelDove1 Oh wow, a new favourite! I must have done something right then ;) You know I could so imagine you cushing over someone like that :D Yeah, Merlin doesn't say the word 'boyfriend' nearly often enough. Of course, you know, in a relationship you don't address your partner as boyfriend. That would be weird... 'good morning boyfriend' 'how was your day boyfriend?' no... but because they never introduce themselves as a couple, it of course felt very special to hear it. Arthur truly would want to just be open about it, but he still trust on Melrin in this. He knows that Merlin has thought it through better than him. Melrin on the other had... well, we got that already :D He really does think of Arthur, but now he has finaly realised that he has to do for Arthur too. As you said, promising to change is the first step :) Great that you liked the lighter moments also! Gabbagehead... I realised I hadn't used it yet, so it had to be that one :D Talking with Morgana was tireing and Melrin had also stayed up most of the night, so faaling asleep felt logical at that point. He held it pretty well until they had to leave ;) Yes! Again you got me so well, Arthur really did realise how how Merlin acts is not because of how he truly is. I put it in maybe the last chapter (?) that Arthur was sad that he couldn't tell Merlin's own ersonal traits appart from those things that had to do with his trauma, but after this all, he felt that he could now say Melrin was shy, but also that shy or not, that was something that is not Melrin, so it needs to be dug out and get rid of. It's like, he doesn't want to change Merlin, but find him from under all that crap his father has fed him. Hey, but in a way, that you are always there to write me these lovely comments, you are rooting for these Melrin and Arthur ;)

mersan123 Sorry for the long wait! At least with this extra chapter the wait wasn't that long :P Yes, Merlin is taking some huge steps now. Before, Merlin was getting better partly because of the enviroment change, but now he is where he truly have to start to actively think of the places he need to work on himself in order to truly find his balance and confidence. In a way this was first of those steps. No he has a lot of work ahead of him, but we will see in the next chapter how that goes ;) Morgana and Arthur have a long way ahead of the, but yes, no the door is open :) There can never be too many people supporting you and Merlin and Morgana will do each others a lot of good for they are the one person who they don't need to explain anything. Thank you again, it's always a pleasure to get a comment from you!


	54. Chapter 54 - Tattoo

It should have been easy. Merlin knew exactly what he needed to do, he had known for a long time now it seemed, and there was no lack of will from his part. His goal was set and he knew what he needed to do in order to get there.

Or at least he knew for the first, maybe, two days.

It all should have been simple really, he had told that to himself enough times when he had sat alone in his corner of the closet. He needed to be more open, relax a little, talk to his friends more, dare to make new friends and remember that he was better than he sometimes believed he was. He needed to collect himself and pull himself together, trust his friends and stop whining. He needed to look Arthur straight in the eye and admit that he did want him even if he had flaws and that he loved him and wanted to be there for him, even if he at times shut down from the world and needed to be alone. He needed to get better. All this he had known and now he had had the final push, to have courage to actually try. And when he would try, really try, he would change and return to how he had been once upon a time, before... and he should have started ages ago, Merlin had seen that. So he was trying his hardest. And it was way scarier than he had ever anticipated.

When the first weekend after Christmas holidays ended, Merlin was so scared that he felt paralysed. In everything he had done during the week, nothing had felt easy or simple. He was mentally tired and he remembered in sharp detail every time he had made a fool of himself (in his opinion) and, all in all, he didn't feel like he knew what direction he was supposed to go anymore. Still, the worst was a slowly, but surely, creeping feeling that he might have been wrong about all this from the beginning.

What if there was no way of returning to the person he had been? What if, deep down, he was too broken to be mended? What if all that had happened was a burden too heavy to lift during this lifetime? What if what he was underneath it all wasn't something even remotely likeable or someone even Merlin himself recognised? And if what he was doing now failed, would there be anything else he could do? This was the last chance and realising that almost made Merlin drop it all and curl under his bed for the rest of his life.

But he couldn't. One look at Arthur's face and he knew he couldn't. He had promised, and even if Merlin felt like curling up into a sobbing mess, he didn't dare when Arthur kept looking back at him like he could somehow see something good in all Merlin did. Once, Merlin almost yelled at Arthur that he didn't seem to know him that well at all when Arthur dared to say something about how he was proud of Merlin for stepping into the locker room for the first time when there were still people changing after football. In reality, Merlin had just been so out of it that he had forgotten where he was and he hadn't thought up any excuse to turn on his heels after having already opened the door.

It all felt like stumbling in the dark really, and even if Merlin had felt all right during Christmas holidays, it seemed that returning to school was somehow harder every day. While Arthur seemed to be happy to get back to school, Merlin started to feel like he actually hated school. He wasn't sure anymore if it was just this school or everything in general to do with highschool life.

The weekend was way too short, but encouraged by Arthur (who didn't seem to mind when Merlin babbled about all of his concerns and fears at least five times to him in no particular order while clinging to Arthur's shirt on Saturday morning) Merlin woke up on Monday and told himself 'don't think', before rising up and continuing what he had started the last week.

After that Merlin kept it simple. He tried to relax when he felt scared and that turned out to be a surprisingly good idea. Somehow, telling himself to relax and that it wasn't that big of a deal actually made him feel better and become more relaxed, he set some other rules for himself as well.

He knew he shouldn't hide from the world so much, so he forbade brooding in the closet. He knew he should be more open with his friends, so he made an attempt to talk with them more about personal things as well. He knew he should stop dwelling on the past so he scolded himself whenever he did. He knew that he wanted to advance his relationship with Arthur and so he tried to get rid of his bad habits. When Arthur said something nice, Merlin tried to say something back. When Arthur took his shirt off, Merlin didn't look away. And when he felt like he wanted to be closer to Arthur, he moved himself to sit next to or even hug Arthur. He fantasised about giving Arthur a kiss when he wasn't expecting it, but Arthur didn't keep still long enough for Merlin to find the time to get his courage together to do it. But he was determined to do it one of these days. Tomorrow, maybe.

After the second week of school, Merlin was so tired he couldn't even sleep properly. When he lay next to Arthur, even after Arthur's breathing grew slow and even, Merlin could only hear his own heart pounding too fast and too loudly. One morning he was ready to just give up. Admit that there was no way to cure himself and that he was tired of trying. But that day also ended with himself next to Arthur, Arthur's arm under Merlin's pillow and goodnight kiss as tender as it had been every night those two weeks. And that night Merlin forgot to tell himself 'don't think too much'. He just didn't, and he slid his left arm across Arthur's bare chest, moving from curling at Arthur's side to actually hugging him.

Arthur's face lit up and he hugged Merlin back and gave Merlin one more kiss (that was not entirely tender) and just like that Merlin slept through the night and the next day didn't seem as bad anymore. After that, Merlin somehow started to find a rhythm. Even if the rhythm was more or less just surviving things that felt like they could be the last straw in the heat of the moment and then, afterwards, thinking that he was just being stupid. But if it an ill-timed eyeroll from Vivian, or a failed attempt at making conversation or an unexplainable feeling that the outside world was dangerous, Merlin slowly learnt that at the end of the day those feelings would shift and that even if they didn't entirely go away, Arthur would always be there. Arthur, who was safe and warm and kissed him goodnight, who Merlin couldn't fail this time. It wasn't an option. Telling Arthur that he had given up was even more frightening than anything he could ever think of. So he did his best.

And one day, not even five weeks after their Christmas holidays had ended, Merlin realised that it wasn't so bad anymore.

He didn't stay awake for hours so often anymore, the nights rapidly becoming the best part of his days and, after a well slept night, rising up wasn't that bad anymore. Going to school didn't feel like it physically hurt, even when he knew there were people there who would want to talk with him or, even worse, that one day they wouldn't anymore. Some of the things he had been stressing didn't impact him as much anymore. Somehow he didn't think he would disappoint his mother that often anymore and he didn't feel like he was doing anything wrong when he played with Aida and when Jordan said "Well, everyone knows you think Liam is an idiot..." Merlin somehow just forgot Liam existed in the first place. He didn't even remember what had been Jordan's point, but Merlin felt he liked Jordan the most out of the team after that one comment. Somehow, like, Jordan understood him.

In just five weeks Merlin noticed he hadn't dreamt that many nightmares and that he felt a bit stronger, a bit more confident and somehow he felt he saw things clearer. He could see how Arthur smiled at him and he could see how stupid he had been. Yes, he just needed to keep going and one day he would feel normal. To even think he could be the same person he had been, that had just been naive, but also, it didn't seem to be such a big loss anymore. He wasn't broken after all and that felt so good that after smiling half of the day, Merlin broke down sobbing against Arthur's shoulder in the evening.

That night he slept like a log.

Then came the Valentine's baking weekend with Vivian and that really was some kind of turning point for Merlin. First of all, he found a friend he hadn't counted on. After learning she had known about him and Arthur and about Merlin's sexuality, Merlin started to understand her much better and that made his school days that much more fun. He found that he could talk at school. With Gwen and Vivian, like a real group of friends. Merlin of course never mentioned anything 'straight', but he found that Gwen was really interested in every innuendo he could attempt to slip into some part of their conversation. Vivian seemed pleased to hear them, maybe just because she could catch the meaning and she knew Merlin knew she understood what he was implying, but still. It gave him confidence that he had friends who, as cliche as it made himself to feel admitting it, he could gossip with. That he could talk like he was dating and it was not just accepted but encouraged. It was nice. In their lone table in the school cafeteria Merlin could be openly gay with his two girl friends.

Somewhere along this he also started to _really_ feel that he hadn't been just lucky with finding a few people who accepted him as he was. He understood that it couldn't be good luck finding tolerant people, that they couldn't be so rare after all, because of Vivian. She certainly wasn't someone he had been lucky to find. She had just somehow added herself to Merlin's life over a long period of time and now he was stuck with her. And something in all that made Merlin start to cultivate a thought that maybe he hadn't been extremely lucky to find friends, that maybe he had just been very unlucky to have met Uther. That actually Uther had been the rare one and the world was actually a lot safer a place than Merlin had grown to believe it was. Even if cultivating this thought would still take Merlin many years, just acknowledging it let some of the weight fall from his shoulders.

Realising how close he actually was to Gwen and Vivian also made Merlin see that he hadn't, after all, done so horribly with the team either. Arthur's friends seemed to tolerate him and, in particular, Jordan, Elyan and Oliver talked to him in hallways and invited him to places and parties and what not. Merlin had usually refused to go anywhere, but now he promised to be at Jordan's birthday party and invited Elyan to swim with him and Gwen sometime. He had even been added to the team's messenger group, and he really felt flattered about that even if he couldn't make himself write anything in it. That just felt too awkward and he had no idea how to talk to them as a group, to write something that every one of them would see and judge when Merlin couldn't even see their faces and reactions. He also wasn't a fan of using his phone or even carrying it with him when not necessary, but at times he read what was being said there. It felt almost like spying on them, but a safe way of studying how normal male specimens interacted.

On Valentine's day Merlin was in high spirits and he managed to act almost naturally (even in his own opinion) when he dumped a box of football shaped cookies in the middle of the team's table during lunch and declared that one of them was poisoned. He even managed not to blush in front of them when he saw how greedily the cookies disappeared, he felt pleased and had a quite fluffy feeling inside of him. It was actually a feeling he later cherished. Of course he didn't think of any of them in a romantic way, he had Arthur after all, but it was still somehow flattering to get that kind of, just a little bit different, attention from a bunch of popular boys. This he told Gwen when they were safely in her room one afternoon after swimming and Elyan (one of the popular boys) was at work. It made Gwen giggle and tell Merlin how he was actually more popular than he thought and teased him how he would be even more popular if he wasn't such an introvert. Merlin didn't really believe that and he wasn't so sure what exactly Gwen meant by 'introvert', but it was still nice to hear such things from his friend, who he had noticed had also managed to relax more around him. Much like Arthur, she didn't seem so careful around him anymore and just having fun with topics like this didn't make Merlin so uncomfortable anymore either.

Still the best part had been Valentine's Day evening with Arthur. After lunch with his mother, Merlin and Arthur closed themselves in their room. It had been Arthur who had suggested they stay home, which had been a relief for Merlin. He had half hoped/half feared the idea of going out on Valentine's Day and after Arthur's suggestion, Merlin had decided that the very idea of a public date on the most romantic night of the year (even if it was a Monday) felt dangerous. Besides, even though it was just their room, it still felt like a date to Merlin.

Arthur had taken it upon himself to buy some cakes and other sweets from a bakery that had a very fancy logo and he gave Merlin a soft, light gray blanket (the colour had been approved by Morgana) to use on the couch and a book to go with it. A book which Merlin remembered mentioning and never got to read but Arthur had remembered. After that his box of cookies seemed plain and stupid, but Merlin still managed to give them to Arthur who smiled like he was truly happy. The box was full of stars and 'footballs' and, because he had been encouraged by Gwen, the best of the hearts had 'Arthur' written on top.

After being wrapped into his new blanket they had eaten too much cake, laughed and talked. Merlin loved how Arthur enclosed him in an embrace over his new blanket and how close they were the whole evening. It felt like it had been forever since they had been close like this and Merlin just then realised he had been too wrapped up in his mission to act more normal that he hadn't noticed Arthur had not asked to do anything like they had in the bath that one time.

Sure, it had been good that he hadn't, Merlin was quite sure he hasn't been in the right mood nor would he have been able to handle it well, but today, he felt differently. Today, he wasn't sure what Arthur had planned or thought about the direction this night was heading, but he also felt that he would do anything for Arthur if he wanted it. He didn't know how to convey that to Arthur, he certainly wouldn't say it out loud, so he moved to finally give Arthur the kiss he had planned for.

They ended up kissing for a long time, a time which seemed to just slip by. Feeling Arthur's lips on his was the sweetest feeling for Merlin. His heart grew warm and the world around him was forgotten. He was in a safe, warm cocoon of blanket in Arthur's embrace, breathing in the air that escaped Arthur's mouth. His heart felt connected to his mouth and he felt the fondness and love for every millimeter that was Arthur, within his every cell. He felt a need to be as close as possible so when he couldn't figure out any other way, Merlin softly licked Arthur's bottom lip and when Arthur gasped ever so slightly, Merlin licked in between Arthur's lips and into his mouth.

In theory it should have been weird, even a bit gross, to lick someone's tongue, but it just felt good and somehow natural, normal, right… Technically they had done this before, but somehow not like this and, besides, it had been such a long time ago. They had been so careful for so long and for a moment there Merlin couldn't remember why. For a moment Merlin felt that he didn't want to be careful anymore.

When the kiss eventually ended, Arthur placed his hands on Merlin's cheeks and rested their foreheads together. He looked at Merlin with glassy eyes and in a way that made Merlin's bones feel like jelly and his heart swell. His voice felt a bit hoarse when he whispered "I love you so much..."

"I know... I love you too." Arthur whispered back and pulled back a little, just to see Merlin better it seemed as he kept his hands still but his eyes moved across Merlin's face while he kept smiling. Merlin blinked at him, but he couldn't help but smile a stupid, wide smile back.

"Mmm... you seem so much better... I can't tell you how happy that makes me." Arthur finally said with a quiet and loving tone when he finally looked Merlin in the eyes again. There was something so very intense in the warmth Merlin felt within those words that he had to look away. He might have blushed when he thanked Arthur before they nuzzled as close as they could and ate even more cakes.

The day ended with the words "You make me happy." and the simple reply of "You make me happy too." In the end they didn't do anything more, but what kept Merlin awake for a while longer, smiling to himself as he rested his head on Arthur's chest, were the words 'you seem better'.

Merlin had been right after all, he just needed to try and he had gotten better. He had been afraid for nothing, it had been just five weeks and he wasn't broken and he would get even better than this. Those were the thoughts he started his week with.

The next day Merlin felt that everyone could see that he had been kissed last night, even if he knew that they couldn't (or maybe because of that) he felt a bit smug and a bit proud of himself. Somehow he stood a bit taller. With new determination, Merlin continued what he had done for the last five weeks and started to look for more things that could help him be better.

He started to talk more and he promised to be there for more get togethers and whatnots when asked. He took on more responsibilities at home and he started to help Gaius with his garden again. He dared to tell that his Valentine's Day had been a 'bit more than he had expected' and thank Vivian for her 'very thoughtful idea' of cookie shapes to which Gwen replied in a similar manner. Their discussion ended with 'but I expect he was a proper gentleman?' to which Gwen replied that she wasn't sure 'If I'm entirely happy about that, but yes' to which Vivian expressed her opinion on gossipping. Merlin went to great lengths to deny that he had anything to even do with the word gossip.

That was really the easy part, and Merlin was finally getting back to the starting point of all this: learning to act more naturally with Arthur. Physically and mentally, in their own room at the very least. It might have been weird that Merlin had kind of left this to last and he had thought of it many times, but in the end it had been for the best. Merlin could now see the spring more clearly and he had to admit that if he had taken more chances with Arthur, he might have ruined it all. While Merlin had been blind to mostly anything but his fear of being incurable or pushing himself in the wrong direction, or even that there was no direction to begin with, it seemed that to Arthur he had looked like he knew what Merlin was doing and that was a huge relief. Besides, being close to Arthur felt like a reward Merlin only now had earned and that made it easier than it had been a week ago.

And so Merlin found himself curled into Arthur's side far more often than in the past. It was addictive really and Merlin found that he basically spent his days going from one mandatory thing to another while searching for any opportunity to be near Arthur. At school, he was waiting to get home and hoping Arthur wasn't going anywhere and that nobody would visit them. At home, he grew impatient very quickly if Arthur didn't go to their room immediately, but when he did, Merlin found it surprisingly easy to just sit next to him and lean in. Arthur had gotten pretty hooked to the team's messenger and he was on his phone a lot more lately and that was alright with Merlin, he was just happy that Arthur was still and lean-against-able. At times he feared he was being too clingy, but he didn't dare ask, he was sure that repeatedly asking would be even worse and besides, most days Arthur moved his arm to hug Merlin close and tell him what was going on with the team that day. It felt nice, quiet and relaxing. Merlin was hooked, he just couldn't get enough of this intimate time with Arthur.

Merlin kind of thought it was a bit weird that Arthur hadn't asked for anything more, like that one time in their bath, but all in all Merlin was glad that he didn't. And if Arthur was alright with this, then what was the hurry? It was alright like this, right? It wasn't easy to keep the lurking doubts at bay, that maybe Arthur didn't want him that way. But on the other hand, imagining Arthur asking if they could have a bath again was an equally stressing thought and so Merlin just kept reminding himself how Arthur had looked after the last time. He had obviously wanted Merlin and he had seemed fine, even happy when Merlin had, well, that was a thought Merlin never wanted to finish. It came with an odd mix of shame, embarrassment and something else that rose from his chest to his head and it made him want to cover his ears and chant loudly until he couldn't hear that thought any more. Usually, his solution was to nestle himself even closer to Arthur's side and try and think of nothing. That usually got him some kind of reaction from Arthur, even if Merlin never meant to cause one. Covering him with his new blanket and hugging him closer was the most common so Merlin was happy that Arthur seemed to think that he was cold and nothing else.

At the time Merlin felt he could continue like this forever. Just waiting for the next time to cuddle with Arthur, but soon he started to feel increasingly impatient. That was no surprise, Arthur was busy. He had finally managed to make their gym teacher invested in the team. It seemed that he had tried his hardest and burned himself out with some pretty hopeless teams for years and years and finally he had started to hate the whole sport, but now... he was getting on board. Slowly, and even at points clumsily, but Arthur had welcomed his help with open arms. Merlin on the other hand felt he had never hated this particular person so much than ever before. He refused to hand over any of his jobs and he was quite open about how he didn't trust him to do good work with the team. But as time moved on, Merlin had to admit that there was at least something good about the situation: Arthur got to play.

That lead to the main reason Arthur was so busy again: he needed to train. Fast and a lot. Even Merlin could tell he was out of practise and he could see even clearer how Arthur took it as a personal failure. The result being that, most days, Arthur would stay at the gym for an extra half an hour or so and after eating he would rest for only a short time with Merlin before disappearing to the park to run or kick his ball around until he needed to eat again.

Merlin didn't know what to do with himself at those times, so he either tagged along and hoped to be of some help trying to block Arthur's ball or found some more things for himself to do. Helping Gaius was something he could do almost endlessly and so was cleaning their house. He even made a plan for their garden and bought all the supplies he would need for it. His mother started to ask him if he wanted something more fun to do, a hobby or something and she even suggested therapy once, but Merlin refused, stating that he just liked being busy. But the truth was that he started to realise that he didn't have anything he wanted to do for himself. He couldn't risk not being home at the rare and irregular times when Arthur was and he just couldn't find himself that excited about anything. Even visiting Gwen felt like too much planning and asking for rides from Elyan and Arthur, so he didn't visit anyone other than Gaius and Gwaine too often.

But just when Merlin was about to start thinking that maybe what he was doing wasn't _maybe_ the best in the long run, the tattoo artist called.

Merlin had first made the call just before they left to visit Morgana. He had stalled a little not knowing what to say and what to expect and fearing he would have to have his tattoo decided upon before he even made the call, but it had turned out that the tattoo artist Arthur had found was insanely booked out. That, of course, together with the fact that Arthur had picked her and that she was also insanely talented was something Merlin hadn't even thought about, but appreciated. He had also learned how the whole thing would happen and they had reserved him a time for the end of the school year. It had felt a bit late, but the only other available times had been during either school hours or some pretty important games and so Merlin had settled for getting the tattoo the next summer. And besides, then he would have almost endless time to decide what he wanted to tattoo to his skin for the rest of his life. Or maybe not, as he had first postponed the thinking process and then just forgotten it. And now he had the option of getting a tattoo in just two weeks because someone had cancelled. If he had decided on the design.

"Yes, that would be great, thank you!" Merlin blurted out. He wasn't sure why, but he couldn't help himself. This amazing woman, who clearly loved her profession, was calling him of all people. Merlin knew, of course, that he was just one customer, but he still felt that this woman, who sounded both cool and kind, had selected him. That she had somehow thought he was special enough to be called in early. "That is just brilliant! If you could come to my shop and show me a picture or sketch on Monday then we could discuss the details. This is your first tattoo, right?" Was the chipper reply and Merlin arranged a time for just after football, he would only have to leave half an hour early and in his momentary feeling, he babbled that to the tattoo artist, who called herself Zyr.

When the call ended, Merlin felt stupid for mostly everything he had said over the phone. He had zero idea what he wanted to tattoo and why did he have to make such a complete fool out of himself all the time?! Of course, the first concern won in the list of his issues and suddenly nothing was more important than the tattoo. It overshadowed how busy Merlin was. It made Merlin excited, almost obsessed, and nothing could ruin his mood. Arthur was there with him, happy to see how overjoyed Merlin was and even if he was a lot calmer, Merlin felt that he was equally as happy. They never said it out loud, but it was important to them that the scar was covered. It would be an act of burying something from the past forever and it felt good.

With selecting the tattoo, Arthur was no help. He seemed to trust that Merlin would find something, trust way too much in Merlin's opinion, and Merlin's own mind just came up blank. So it wasn't a surprise that Merlin couldn't even wait until lunch the next day to tell Gwen and Vivian about the tattoo and then ask for their opinion.

Gwen was not much help either. She told Merlin to find something that meant something to him and that he would know when he saw the tattoo he really wanted. Like Merlin hadn't known that already... And Vivian mainly kept giving him her favourite quotes from various books for days even if Merlin told her very clearly from the beginning that he didn't want a text based tattoo. He didn't say why, he had no real explanation apart from the fact that it wouldn't cover the whole scar. Vivian hadn't seen it and Merlin wanted to keep it that way. Still, telling his friends about the tattoo was an exhilarating experience and hearing encouraging feedback felt nice. Vivian's "To your shoulder blade... hmm, I like that." with uncharastically flirty tone felt surprisingly nice.

The next person Merlin talked with was Gwaine who, unsurprisingly, turned out to be the most helpful of them all. He asked Merlin if he wanted an abstract, more decorative tattoo or something like an animal or a symbol. He also provided Merlin with a book on the history of tattooing titled 'Around the world, tattooing in every culture'. Merlin skimmed through it at least ten times and even read some of the text and explanations, learning a lot more about the meaning of tattoos in different cultures. Some of the tribal tattoos, and especially the japanese ones, he liked a lot, but he didn't feel like a 'brave and victorious warrior' and tattooing a highly detailed dragon to his back felt a tad too embarrassing, even if they looked cool on the skin of the Yakuza men. He also didn't like the feeling that some people around the world considered these the mark of a criminal.

Gaius had no opinion on the design, he told Merlin quite openly what he thought of tattoos as he had seen a few gone horribly wrong and too many that had seemed like a good idea at the time, but on old, faded skin and as trends and lives changed they had looked horrible. As a doctor, his opinion was clear, but he understood Merlin's reasons and he showed real interest in seeing what Merlin came up with. Merlin knew Gaius was on his side. In the end, Merlin told Gaius about all he had learned from Gwaine's book on the rich culture and meaning behind tattoos. He somehow wanted to convince Gaius, he wasn't exactly sure of what or why, but he felt surprisingly passionate about it.

"It's nice to see you this excited about something Merlin." Gaius commented when Merlin finally ran out of things to say and confessed that he had of course mostly seen the worst cases and it might have affected his opinion on the subject. He also concluded that some of the colours and techniques had developed a lot since he (and his patients) had been young. Merlin was very happy to hear that, even if he didn't want to think about it, he was afraid of the needle and the thought of having to lie still when some stranger poked him with the said needle behind his back. But mostly he felt happy because Gaius was right. It had been a long time since Merlin had felt this excited about something that was his own. In the end the answer came to him as something obvious.

As his weekend turned to Sunday, Merlin started to panic a little. He should have started this search a lot sooner and he shouldn't have told Zyr he already had it figured out! He kind of knew he should send her a message as soon as possible and confess that he didn't know yet. Or maybe he could lie and tell her that he had had a plan, but that he had changed his mind and ask if he could come at the end of May after all? But he couldn't make himself do it. So he delayed it and started to clean. It became a nervous habit of not being able to concentrate anymore on the search, feeling he had tried everything and not being able to stay still, but Merlin didn't care.

His mother was already on his case, so Merlin stayed in his room. He started with their closet and when he had re-folded mostly everything and moved most of Arthur's gym clothes to the washing basket, he moved onto their desk. It was a disaster zone of two people's identical school work with two totally different ways of working and the drawers… there was so many small trinkets that they had just thrown in when they had first moved and then everything else that came from school or from the bottom of pockets just thrown on top. It was perfect for Merlin and he managed to forget the tattoo for about an hour while he sorted and threw some old papers and stuff away. Until, he found his father's pendant.

It was so obvious that Merlin knew the moment he recognised the box. The triskelion his father had worn from before he had met his mother. A token of a happy family in his home village, the stories his mother had continued telling him when he had been just a child…

When Arthur returned from his jog, he found a huge mess covering half of their floor and all over their desk and Merlin reading his tattoo book, his phone in his other hand and looking like Christmas had come again. There were not many things in Arthur's world that made him truly relax at the moment, but seeing Merlin excited about something was one of them. So, understandably, Arthur briefly made fun of the mess before slumping next to Merlin and listened very carefully to everything Merlin told him.

* * *

"Can you stop that." It wasn't a question, Arthur was not in the mood to ask. "What?" Merlin asked as he wasn't doing anything, they were sitting in Arthur's car, there was nothing to do. "The drumming, you are making me anxious." Arthur replied sounding a notch more irritated. 'Oh... that' Merlin thought and moved his hands to his lap. He had been drumming the handle of the door on his side, hadn't he?

"... Look, it's alright to be nervous. I'm-" Arthur sighed and started with a more gentle tone while still keeping his eyes on the traffic in front of them. "I'm not nervous." Merlin cut him off before he had to hear the rest. "Then stop drumming!" In Merlin's opinion Arthur seemed to be the one who was nervous, but he had started to drum his knee instead and so he sat on his hands and said nothing.

Merlin wasn't nervous. They were in Arthur's car, driving very slowly through Thursday afternoon traffic near the central area of town and Merlin had long ago passed that point.

Meeting Zyr had been an experience. She had turned out to be maybe the most hard to categorize person Merlin had ever met. He knew it was the small village background in him talking, but he had almost wanted to ask 'what are you?'. He hadn't, of course, but he had wondered. And maybe told it all to Will the first chance he had gotten as he was the only one he believed would understand his point of view. She was a short woman, shorter than Merlin even with her alarmingly high high heels. She had worn leather pants and a shirt that did nothing to hide her very ample chest (Merlin had been able to see the edge of her bra and he hadn't even been looking!) and curvaceous figure. She had more tattoos than anyone Merlin had even seen, starting from her wrists and disappearing to her rolled up sleeves only to reappear again from her neck line and rising as up her neck. Her hair was cut short on one side and the other had long spikes that barely reached her neck, and it had all been coloured bright purple. In short, she was the most womanly and the most unwomanly woman Merlin had ever seen wrapped up in an almost dangerous look. But above all, she had to be the nicest, most excited tattoo artist there was in the whole world.

She had looked at Merlin's poorly drawn picture like it was the best artwork she had ever seen. She listened Merlin with interest and taken a photo of Merlin's pendant. She had made Merlin feel so comfortable that before he realised, he had had a mug of coffee in his hand and he had told her nearly everything about his scar and how much he wanted it to be covered. Everything but the real cause of the scar and Zyr didn't ask. He had even shown it to her without thinking much of it.

In the end she had suggested adding a background to the triskelion after Merlin had confessed he didn't think he wanted that big of a tattoo and the only problem with the triskelion was that the center would have to be the part to cover the scar. To Merlin's utter relief it had only taken about ten minutes for Zyr to ask all the right questions to make Merlin mention how he loved how light came through dark green summer leaves and that was it, Zyr had promised to draw him a draft of the tattoo and send it to him in a few days. They then set the date before she told Merlin everything he needed to know about tattoo aftercare. If it hadn't been for Arthur, who had also left football early to drive Merlin, he would not have wanted to leave at all.

The draft design had come in just two days in the middle of math and ever since then Merlin had had trouble of not looking at it at least once every hour. It was perfect. He had no idea how Zyr had done it, but it looked like something Merlin had wanted but had had no idea how to express. The triskelion was drawn in sharp black and it was shaped exactly like his father's pendant and the leaves encapsulated looking up from a forest floor on a sunny August day, but the best part was the light. There was no actual rays of light drawn, but the mix of golden-like yellow with so many shades of green made the picture somehow look bright. It looked like it had been made from watercolours and Merlin spent countless moments wishing that the ink would look the same, even though he doubted it really would.

After that Merlin had had time to get himself afraid of the needle, hyped of the fact that he was getting the tattoo, worried about the people talking when Arthur would leave football early two times with Merlin in a short period of time (Arthur had just announced that he would drive Merlin the next time too, leaving no room for any kind of discussion), so very happy that he wouldn't be alone, proud of himself for coming up with the design for the tattoo in time for the first session, anxious of having to lie his back bare on a table and so very worried he couldn't do it after all.

Zyr had said that if at any time he decided that the tattoo was anything less than perfect, they could postpone the session and rethink the design and Merlin had believed her, but at this point Merlin would rather she and Arthur tied him to the table and completed the tattoo if he got hysterical, but that was not an option. Not when Zyr had also reminded him that if it became too much emotionally or if the needle felt too painful on the scarred skin, they would immediately stop the tattooing. It had been meant to set Merlin's mind at ease, but now Merlin was sure he had no option than appearing anything else than calm. So he was not worried. Or nervous. He felt like he was standing on the edge of a very steep cliff telling himself not to look down. Just stand _very_ still.

The tattoo parlour came into their vision too soon and they had luck finding a free parking space just behind the shop. Stepping through those doors felt harder than it had any right to feel, but Zyr and her very private and comfortable working space provided Merlin the room to find his excitement of actually getting the tattoo done today. Arthur talked with Zyr like they were old friends and while Merlin felt as awkward as usual taking his shirt off, the focus wasn't on him so it was alright.

While Merlin tried to get comfortable lying on the tattooing table, Zyr told him once more what she was going to do, how everything was sterile and how the inks she would use would just now be opened for him. It felt a bit of a waste to Merlin, but Zyr had explained how everyone deserves clean ink and if he ever went someplace else and they didn't do that for him, he should be out the door running.

"Are you feeling nervous about the needle?" She asked when she had washed Merlin's shoulder and put on a mask and sterile gloves, got everything ready and somehow managed to magic a mug of coffee into Arthur's hand. "Does it hurt a lot?" was out of Merlin's mouth before he could stop himself, but Zyr just smiled. Merlin could see that even while she was wearing a mask.

"One would think so, it will pierce your skin after all and everyone describes it a bit differently, but I'm sure it doesn't hurt nearly as much as whatever gave you that scar." she said with light tone and before Merlin could start remembering how he had gotten the scar she continued "And look, all these I have made myself." and pointed at various tattoos on her left hand and Merlin could just stare.

"I'll first start lining from outside your scar and I will make the triskelion first." She said and Merlin only partly registered her words. He was so mesmerized at the details he just now saw while looking at Zyr's left arm that she had left in Merlin's clear view and he barely noticed when it started. And when it had already started, it really wasn't that bad. The needle moved with a steady rhythm and Zyr's hand was stable and warm. When the needle moved over the edge of the scar, it almost felt like a personal revenge on Uther. Merlin was sure he would not be happy that he was getting a tattoo and that it was making the last visual mark of his abuse disappear.

Time became meaningless. The sound of the tattoo gun adding to a sensation that was something in between pain and something vibrating on his shoulder, mixed with the scent of coffee and the soft feeling of Arthur's thumb moving slowly across his knuckles made Merlin find an almost meditative state of not being able to think of anything until he realised that Arthur was, in fact, holding his hand.

His body was relaxed and heavy and he was very much conscious of the fact that he had a needle poking at his shoulder, but his eyes opened wide and darted a look at Zyr's face. She seemed as focused as before and eventually Merlin relaxed again. Maybe it wasn't that unusual... maybe many people who came for their first tattoo had someone to hold their hand? And maybe Arthur had introduced himself as Merlin's brother and Zyr just thought they were close? Or maybe... maybe she was alright with their relationship? Or maybe she didn't care either way. Merlin was quite sure that if he concentrated on anything as intently as Zyr concentrated on her work, he wouldn't even notice if Arthur was dressed as a clown. He then started thinking how he was a bit jealous of Zyr and wishing he would find something he was that passionate about to do when he was an adult.

However, after a certain point in time the needle started to feel really uncomfortable and Merlin could only concentrate to the fact that it hurt. He tried to hide it the best he could, but his skin felt over sensitive, and not just his back. Even Arthur's hand started to feel coarse and the touch unpleasant. After a time that felt both very long and afterwards too short, Zyr said that it was time to stop for the day. "The triskelion is now ready, but your skin is too broken to add all the colour, so I think it would be better if we continued another time."

It felt devastating. The tattoo wasn't ready and even if Zyr had made it sound like it wasn't entirely Merlin's fault, Merlin blamed himself. Was it the scar? Or was his skin weaker than normal skin? Or was it just that he hadn't managed to look like he was alright and that was the real reason Zyr had stopped? He felt ashamed and he couldn't meet the eyes of the woman who had done this a million times and even to her own arm.

Sitting up for Zyr to clean his shoulder felt weird. His body felt tired even when all he had done was lie down. He was cold. He felt it immediately after his stomach touched the air instead of the soft cushioning of the table and it spread from there, even if the room was warm. His skin continued to feel everything more acutely than it normally did, except for the area of the tattoo where Zyr applied something that felt cool and left it feeling numb. Finally, Merlin got some kind of plastic cover for the tattoo and a permission to put his shirt back on. Even the fabric felt harsh.

Zyr then provided Arthur a refill for his coffee and asked them to sit a moment in her shop while she cleaned. Merlin didn't want any coffee, he was hungry and by the time Zyr came back, his tiredness had spread from his limbs to his whole being. It felt horrible to hear that they would have to wait at least two to four weeks before they could apply the colour and that she preferred four. Merlin stopped paying attention at that point. Zyr had an open time in the beginning of April and Arthur took it, even though it was in the middle of football season. After that, Zyr told them both once more what to expect and how to take care of the healing skin for the next few days and weeks. Merlin had heard it already so he just half listened. He wished he had endured the pain better. He wished the tattoo was already complete.

When they finally walked out, Merlin's legs felt shaky. The air outside was freezing after the warm shop and Merlin was ready to drop any facade of being strong the second he was alone with Arthur. He wanted to eat and he wanted to whine how he had wanted the tattoo to be ready today but before he could, Arthur spun him to a hug and kissed him on the lips. In the middle of the street.

Merlin just blinked like an owl while Arthur took a step back looking at Merlin's face with bright eyes and laughed a little. "You did so well! I'm... proud of you." he said and finally averted his eyes a little and blushed. Merlin could only stare some more when Arthur started to tug him by his arm towards the car. Arthur didn't say things like that lightly and a warm, proud feeling bloomed inside Merlin's chest. It made him forget for a bit that he was cold and a blush spread across his cheeks. The street was quite empty and when Merlin looked, he saw that Zyr's store windows were covered with heavy purple curtains so he let his arm stay relaxed and allowed Arthur to guide him as he pleased.

When they closed the doors of Arthur's car, Arthur suggested they go eat something and Merlin didn't want to say no since Arthur had just said he was proud of Merlin. He didn't want to ruin that.

By the time they got home, Merlin wasn't sure if he was exhausted or just pathetic, but he felt like snapping at someone or something, anything really, and soon. He was overly full of Chinese food, his shoulder hurt, his back muscles were tired from sitting so that his shoulder wouldn't touch anything and he was cold again. So, in his own opinion, nothing was really wrong, just small things really and so Merlin tried to at least fein patience with his mother who wanted to hear everything.

It did not help that Arthur seemed to be his opposite. He was cheerful and had all the energy in the world. Merlin blamed the amount of coffee Arthur had consumed, but it was still too much to take. But the words 'You did so well...' kept Merlin from giving up completely. Those words meant so much to him and he couldn't let Arthur down. And what was it he wanted anyway? To climb onto Arthur's lap and whine while Arthur patted his head? Yes, actually, but that wasn't an option was it?

It was late when Merlin finally got to go to their room and before he could go to sleep the tattoo needed taking care of. Arthur was enthused to clean and tend the tattoo and well, his simple joy gave Merlin the final lift of energy he needed to smile tiredly at Arthur and get a little excited to see the triskelion.

But it was short lived. Taking his shirt off in their brightly lit bathroom made Merlin want to cry for no other reason than the discomfort he felt. Imagining being touched and having cold lotion on his skin made Merlin's stomach turn and when Arthur told him there was some leaked ink under the plastic, added to the sounds of getting everything ready, suddenly Arthur's hand was on the edge of the plastic cover and Merlin had no time to even say 'stop' before he just bent over and threw up in their sink.

Hot tears burned his eyelids as his stomach cramped the second time. He could hear Arthur take a hasty step back and it hurt. He had hoped he was past this. His head hurt because of the pressure and his shoulder hurt and there was so much to throw up and it tasted horrible, worse than he remembered. It must have taken only seconds for Arthur to call Hunith in a state of clear distress but it felt so long and still so short that Merlin managed to only whimper something he even himself couldn't tell what he was trying to get across. He knew he didn't want his mother there. He didn't want Arthur there. He hated this so _much!_ He wasn't doing so well now and he hated himself for it. The bathroom light was humming and the light felt too bright. Merlin's head hurt.

"Merlin! Are you alright? Can I..." Arthur was back at his side and Merlin could hear his mother rushing up the stairs. "I'm sorry I should..." Merlin couldn't listen, he just wanted Arthur out! He opened the tap hastily and tried to get the remaining vomit out of sight. It was disgusting. It was like something of him was on display. 'You are pathetic, dirty' his head told him and it wasn't Uther's voice, it was his own.

"Oh Merlin... are you alright?" it was his mother this time and Merlin tried his best to get the mixture of bits and pieces of his dinner that couldn't go through the drainer in his hand and hide them from sight. The whole bathroom smelt acrid. "No, yes, I just need to use the toilet, can you go?" Merlin had no idea what he was saying, it made no sense and his mother just sighed, obviously knowing better than Merlin did and that hurt too. "Love, let me take care of it." She said and Merlin managed to nod and drop whatever it was he had in his hand and wash off before exiting the bathroom without looking anyone in the eye. His mouth tasted bitter. His throat hurt.

He would have wanted to cover himself with his blanket, but the tattoo was still uncovered and so he just covered his face with his hands and closed his eyes. When he felt the mattress dip next to him he managed to sacrifice his last piece of self-respect and mutter with a watery voice "Can you please take care of it, I can't see it..." before breaking down in sobs. "Of course" Arthur replied, placing a small kiss to his temple. Merlin sobbed harder.

It wasn't that bad. Arthur's hands were sure and gentle, even too gentle in Merlin's opinion. When his tears had stopped, Merlin felt physically better, but that was not a relief. It somehow made him feel worse that he had gotten so worked up over something that seemed like nothing now.

"Does it hurt?" Arthur asked at some point, and Merlin shook his head. He didn't care either way until he saw the cotton pad Arthur had used. It was stained with ink and Merlin realised that there was literally ink coming out of his skin.

"How does it look?" he asked, fearing the answer. What if the tattoo was coming off? Or if it had faded or if he had damaged it somehow? How many hours ago should he have lotioned it? What if he was too late? Why hadn't he listened Zyr better?!

"It looks good. I like it." Arthur answered gently, clearly not picking up what Merlin meant. "It's not- the ink is not coming off?" he asked hearing his voice shake. "No, it's just some excess ink, Zyr said it's normal, right?" Arthur's tone was reassuring and Merlin felt moved that Arthur had paid such good attention. He really cared, didn't he? The lotion felt cool and when Arthur placed on the see-through plastic film Merlin had gotten from Zyr for the first night on the tattoo, Merlin felt he could breathe better. It was... he just couldn't bear the thought of ruining the tattoo. Still, when Arthur tried to circle around him and look him in the eyes, Merlin turned his head. He felt ashamed and he couldn't look Arthur in the face. He just knew he would look worried or disappointed.

"Is it alright if I sleep on the couch tonight?" he managed to ask. He felt miserable and he didn't want to curl up next to Arthur right now. He didn't think it would make him feel any less miserable. The couch wouldn't either, that was for sure, but he didn't want to do anything idiotic anymore, like start crying on Arthur's chest or start babbling how something was wrong when he didn't even know what it was. He was so sick of himself doing that.

Hunith made the couch as comfortable as she could for Merlin and used some old sheets for Merlin's pillow and blanket so he wouldn't have to worry of possible ink stains. Arthur tried to act like everything was normal while helping as much as he could. It was his way of being considerate, Merlin thought, but he couldn't help but feel bitter of the fact that this actually was normal. His mother and Arthur having to drop everything for his meltdowns.

After brushing his teeth and changing into his pyjama pants and an old t-shirt without looking at Arthur, his mother or the now clean sink, Merlin managed to somehow convince his mother that he just wanted to sleep. He promised to eat a large breakfast and all that, but he still couldn't get rid of her before she had tucked him in and stroked his hair for a while. Arthur waited until Hunith was gone, but he wouldn't get the hint that Merlin just wanted to dwell on his own.

Arthur knelt next to Merlin and he too ran his fingers through Merlin's hair. It was somehow very different compared to his mother's very similar touch just a minute ago and Merlin didn't know if he wanted to lean into it or pull his head away. He didn't feel like he deserved something so comforting right now. His solution was to keep still and keep looking at a spot in the back of the couch cushion. "Good night..." Arthur said eventually, with an unsure tone that managed to feed Merlin's miserableness even further and when Merlin didn't reply (he didn't trust his voice not to tremble), he placed a small kiss on Merlin's cheek and went to their bed.

The night was a long one. Merlin was so used to falling asleep on his right side that lying on his back felt weird and, even if he trusted the plastic cover, he had hard time relaxing. He was afraid that more of the ink would ooze out of his skin if he moved or if there was too much pressure on the tattoo. In the end he turned to lay on his left side and that felt even more weird. Also, the couch felt short and too narrow. He had grown, but he was quite sure that not this much. His pillow was also too flat without Arthur's arm under it. Even when Merlin did fall asleep he slept lightly and woke up countless times for various reasons. He was so conscious of his position that he woke up every time he needed to turn. His legs kept slipping from under his blanket and then he woke up for being cold without Arthur's familiar heat and at some point of the night the tattoo started to itch, badly.

It was unreal how nerve wracking it was. Like having about a hundred mosquito bites in a concentrated area. And that area happened to be on his back where he couldn't see or reach and if his mother had told him not to scratch when he had been a kid, now he couldn't because of the tattoo. It was about four in the morning when he gave up on sleeping altogether. Arthur was fast asleep and sprawled across their whole bed, so Merlin wasn't too worried about him waking up when he paced around the room finding clothes, folding his blanket, changing, packing his backpack in a random order because he couldn't concentrate. At six o'clock he decided to lie down for a second and he slept until their alarm rang.

This time when Arthur took the plastic cover off, it felt like a huge relief. The cold air on the tattoo and the lotion helped with the itch and subdued it to a tolerable level. Breakfast and walking to school with Arthur felt awkward and when the day wore on, Merlin started to feel increasingly sleepy and the itch didn't help his mood. Arthur barely talked to him during the day and Merlin started to fear that he had angered Arthur. He wished the day would be over. His will to concentrate was next to nothing.

During lunch he had to pull himself together a bit when Gwen started to ask him concerned questions and so he complained about the itch and told her how he was ready to rip his own arm off and beat his back with it. It made Gwen laugh so it was good, but Merlin couldn't shake the feeling that he had just replaced lying with partial truths and black humour.

By the last class of the day, Merlin was ready to bang his head to his desk and yell in frustration. He would give up on football today, he thought, when time seemed to just linger around. He didn't want to deal with the whole team or the coach today. Besides, at this point of the day Merlin was happy that Arthur had left him mostly alone, this way he wouldn't have to get that worried because Merlin was sure he could pull himself together when he got home, but if he had to try that until five in the gym, he would just trouble Arthur.

For that same reason he didn't want to tell Arthur himself, actually he would be happy if he didn't have to see him until Arthur got home, so he planned to ask Jordan to tell Arthur he wouldn't be at practice after Arthur had stormed towards the gym the second the bell rang (as he did every day). He had a small window of time, because Jordan liked to take his time to walk to the gym with others from the team that were in the same class as them. At least he usually did, today Merlin managed to say as much as "Hey, Jordan-" when Jordan cut him off with a "Sorry Merlin, I have to run, see you at practice!" before he ran off. Merlin was so surprised that he shouted "Yeah!" to Jordan's back before he could think and so he was stuck. Pellinor urged Merlin to walk with him which was unusual too and Merlin realised only when he had already entered the gym that he could have also asked Pellinor to deliver the message. He was so _stupid_...

During the practices Merlin got next to nothing done. He could only concentrate on how his eyelids kept drooping and he mainly just moved some papers around and forgot to do half of what he normally did. He really just wanted to sleep for a bit and so he did. On the coach's very new (and comfortable) chair in the blissfully isolated box of an office Merlin boldly used whenever he pleased (and the coach never complained). He thought he would just close his eyes for a second, but when he opened his eyes again, the clock on the office's wall had jumped almost twenty minutes forward and Merlin's neck felt funny.

It felt weird, having been able to just fall asleep like this. In theory, Merlin would have thought he wouldn't be able to sleep anywhere else than in his (and maybe Gwen's) home, but thinking of it and listening to the very familiar noises of the group yelling, playing and running around, their sneakers hitting the floor and the ball bouncing around...well, he didn't feel any threats. Even if maybe he should, he thought sarcastically. God knows what Oliver was capable of doing with a sleeping teammate and a desk full of waterproof markers!

Shaking his head a little, Merlin still felt sleepy, but he felt he could manage the last... eighteen minutes now. He rose up and stretched his arms and then immediately remembered the tattoo. It felt different than before, even if it still itches, and Merlin remembered Zyr's warning of how the fresh tattoo could get stuck to fabric. The world narrowed down to the tattoo with that single thought. He needed to check it but the only thing Merlin could do was to try to pull his shirt behind his back to feel if it was stuck or not. But he couldn't bend his arms far enough and he couldn't be sure. He needed to get home!

Merlin very nearly ditched right there and then, but even with his almost-panicky need to know that the tattoo was alright, Merlin couldn't miss that the practice wasn't going well. It would have taken quite a lot if he had, because when he stepped into the gym a ball hit the benches next to the office, hard. When Merlin spun to look at the direction it had come from, he saw a very frustrated Elyan who didn't even seem to care that he had startled Merlin out of his mind.

The practice ended early and the whole team was in a foul mood. Merlin felt shaky when he tried asking cautiously what was going on, but those who were near didn't seem to be in the mood to answer and even Jordan kept his eyes on the floor and just walked past. Merlin didn't have enough confidence to ask again, he felt small and unwanted and he felt he shouldn't have asked. If only he had done his work today, he would have been there to hear what had happened...

Cleaning up the gym had never felt that impossibly large a task but Merlin did it very poorly today. He felt guilty because of his laziness but he didn't care if the storage room was a mess on Monday. At least not until Arthur came to get him and he realised how he had just continued on being lazy. He would have tried to explain, but Arthur didn't seem to care, he looked like he just wanted to get out of the school area and Merlin understood how upset Arthur was. He hadn't seemed upset with the team, but then again, he never did.

It took about exactly until the school building wasn't in sight anymore that Arthur broke the silence and started to talk about everything all at once. "... I just don't know what to do! I have to play and I have to play seriously every hour I get, like, a month ago. No, a year ago! but I can't- I just don't know..." He obviously tried to avoid saying anything bad about the coach, but before they got home, Merlin had a vague idea of what was the root of the problem: Arthur couldn't trust the coach to even remember the names of the players he saw five times a week. For a moment there Merlin couldn't even listen to what Arthur was saying, he hated that poor excuse of a teacher so much!

He snapped out of it only when he realised that Arthur wasn't talking anymore, but looking at Merlin. Had he asked something? Or was he just waiting for Merlin to comment? "Uh, that would explain why Jordan got poor grades in sports last fall..." was the only thing Merlin could think of and he felt his face heat and his neck sweat when Arthur looked at him weirdly, but then to his utter relief, Arthur laughed. "Yeah... that it would. I just... I can't believe this." After that Arthur fell silent again and he only changed his shoes before he left for a jog. From the look of it, a long jog.

That saddened Merlin more than he would have cared to admit. He had had a lousy day and when he watched the door Arthur had closed behind him, he realised how much he would have wanted the rest of the day to be like it usually was: him curled into Arthur's side while Arthur did whatever with his cellphone and once in awhile telling Merlin something someone had said. He could have lived with Arthur going for a jog after that, but now he once again felt all the shame of yesterday and the fear that maybe Arthur was angry at him after all. And why hadn't he been able to say something better to Arthur just now? Something to put his mind at ease or something funny or… his mother was home. She was doing laundry, but Merlin knew he had to get out of her way before he would have to tell all about his day to her. Climbing the stairs to their room felt exhausting and his mind came up with at least three things that would have been better to say to Arthur. By the time he closed their door and leaned into it, he felt sad and lonely.

Merlin sighed. He hated this heavy feeling inside of him. He knew that if he let himself think on it, he would just end up scared and hysterical, so he tried to search for an outlet when he remembered that he could be mad at the coach. That helped a bit. He couldn't stand that person... He was lazy, neglected his work, smelled like old coffee and he was old and ugly. And he wasn't Lance. In Merlin's point of view it didn't matter that he had just applied for an open job, he may as well have gotten Lance fired himself. On that note, Merlin took his cell phone out and opened the teams group chat. He was sure there would be discussion about today and he wanted to see their comments on the coach. He hoped they were as bad as possible.

He wasn't disappointed. The chat was already long and new messages kept popping up all the time. The messages varied from calling the coach names to a depressed, 'we have already lost' mentality, and back to angry. Lee used some pretty colourful language, Merlin hadn't even known he swore. It was kind of hard to follow really, it was that prevalent in the discussion and, besides, everybody knew what had happened so nobody retold the whole story.

Eventually Merlin felt he understood enough. The coach was now more invested, but he just couldn't do what Lance had done or even what Arthur did. He couldn't keep up with the strategies Arthur had established nor could he give personal feedback. He was inconsistent and rusty and apparently, from what Merlin had thought was disinterest, was actually indecisiveness. The problem for Arthur, of course, was that he needed to play and he too needed someone to watch him from an outside perspective. He certainly couldn't do that and lead the team at the same time. The team had tolerated the situation with some (a lot) complaining to each other, but today had been the last straw when the coach had tried to call Oliver out and when Oliver hadn't responded, he had lost his cool and whistled the whole game to halt and given Oliver a good yell on listening to him and of school rules, authority and what not. The only problem had been that the coach had called him 'Charley', who wasn't even in the team (Charles, who everyone called Charley, was a boy in Oliver's class).

When that had been established, the coach was humiliated and muttered something about Dickens and the team felt so much injustice that even Arthur's attempts to pacify them was not just useless, but blatantly ignored. This Merlin learned from Elyan's comments, who seemed sorry for something or another even through his writing and how maybe they should calm down a little and next time just ignore the coach and listen to what Arthur had to say. That turned the discussion to how much Arthur did and how unfair it was that he never got to play. Jordan claimed that he had heard the coach tell Arthur that he had this responsibility because he was the captain and the next storm begun.

Merlin was ready to believe everything, every bad word and anecdote so he kept reading, feeling only slightly guilty for reading about it all when no-one had been willing to tell him what had happened. That meant they didn't really want him to know, right? But he was part of the chat, so they knew he could read the messages. Or maybe they had forgotten he could... He was almost thinking of sharing some things he hated about the coach's work to hopefully be a part of the group and at least be honest and show the rest of them that he was there, when Jordan wrote 'Hey! What if Merlin did it? At least he knows our names...!' and immediately continued with 'And coach should be able to take care of Merlin's job? That is literally the coach's job!?'

To that Merlin replied as fast as he could 'not gonna happen', closed the phone and threw it to the couch. He didn't want to see any of the replies. He didn't want to be dragged into any of this. He couldn't sit still so he stood up and when his eyes found the bed, he threw himself to it. Like most of the time, Arthur's pillow bought him some kind of comfort and he buried his face to it not caring if Arthur found him that way or not.

He wanted to be mad at Jordan for suggesting something like that, but he couldn't. He liked Jordan and besides... if Merlin had taken the time or had just been interested enough to watch what Arthur did during the practices he attended _five times a week,_ he should be able to help, be to some real use to Arthur...he regretted it so much now. This could have been his chance to tell Arthur not to worry, he would take care of everything, he could just leave it to Merlin and play... but the truth was that Merlin had never bothered to learn even half of the rules and he hadn't even thought if there was some kind of strategy to the plays. In his frustration, Merlin turned around and stared at the ceiling. He didn't know what to do. His back felt weird.

Merin sprung up, his thoughts ripped from football to the tattoo. He had completely forgotten it! His hands felt hard to control when he tried to take his shirt off as fast as he could just to feel a very unpleasant pull on his skin. "Mum! _Mum!_ " he yelled, almost on reflex. Then he tried to breathe evenly, his head and arms as still as possible halfway out of his shirt and thoughts gone blank as his mother ran upstairs. When the door opened, Merlin couldn't breath. And then he breathed too fast.

He didn't even know how his mother managed to understand what was wrong from the pathetic crying while babbling... words, just words, and not only that, but remain calm and get Merlin to the bathroom, out of his trousers and into the tub, but she did and eventually they managed to get the shirt off with lukewarm water and patience. Merlin knew he hadn't been much help. He had clung to his mother's shirt, cried, refused to stand up and even yelled at his mother about what help the water would be. Even after his mother had read to him the paper Zyr had given him. After getting the shirt off, there was a quiet moment when Merlin sat in the tub, in only his boxers, hugging his knees and not daring to complain (even inside of his head) how cold he felt sitting there wet, water just a layer on the bottom of the tub. Hunith was clearly exhausted and almost as wet as Merlin was.

"Thank you... " Merlin managed to mumble and the brightness that erupted onto his mother's face seemed to make all of her tiredness vanish. Merlin hid his face between his knees. Somehow he felt like crying again. "Well, let's put some lotion on it and get us something to eat." She said gently and Merlin simply nodded, head still between his knees. "Is it ruined?" he asked with a fragile voice when his mother was done. "No, I'm sure it's not." Hunith answered, but Merlin didn't feel any better.

Hunith managed to coax Merlin out of the bath and to dry himself. He put on his pyjama pants and followed his mother downstairs to please her and eat something, when in reality he wasn't hungry at all. He just wanted to be alone, preferably in a dark and narrow space. He knew Arthur would be home at any given moment and he dreaded it. His mother asked if he was cold and tried to make him put on a shirt too, but Merlin refused. He was too scared that the same thing would happen again during the night.

Arthur came home just when Merlin had somehow eaten his meal and he appeared confused at the scene he had just walked in. To Merlin's utter relief, Hunith made Arthur go to shower before coming to eat and didn't say anything else. Arthur went and Merlin told his mother he would go to sleep after he had finished eating, which he mentioned just in time to hear their room's door open. He was sure Arthur would hear what had happened once he was upstairs, but it was better than being there to hear it. By the time Arthur came up, Merlin was on his stomach, blanket only up to his waist, his face towards the back of the couch pretending to be asleep.

Arthur came by the couch and Merlin could imagine him standing there, looking at him for a while before he went to sit by their desk. He didn't turn the lights on, just the working light and Merlin still pretended to sleep while in reality he wallowed in self loathing and pity long after Arthur had gone to sleep.

The night was restless and Merlin felt he barely slept. He was cold and he had trouble falling asleep on his stomach and he was so stressed that he would turn in his sleep that he was actually glad that he couldn't sleep well. He had to lift his feet onto the armrest. Pulling the blanket over his left shoulder and tucking his left arm under his pillow made him more comfortable and letting his right arm hang from the couch made him fear less that he would turn around, but when the morning came, Merlin didn't know how he would make it through the day. It was Saturday, so there was no school at least and he couldn't swim so there was no swimming with Gwen and Arthur would leave for jiu-jitsu and be gone for hours, but he had promised to spend time with Gwen instead and they were going to go downtown at noon and he had promised Aida they would play and that he would help Gaius on Sunday and he had to plant some of the seeds he had bought soon and then there was homework and cleaning and Jordan's birthday party that he had promised to go to...

When Monday came, Merlin didn't want to go to school. When he saw the school building, he felt it hard to breath, he felt heavy and weak and empty in a way he recognised he had felt during last year. It didn't make any sense to Merlin, he had gone into this building so many times, so why now? For the first time Merlin doubted if there was any reason to continue going to this school. Or to any school for that matter. The feeling faded a bit when the day started, but Merlin was still tired and he couldn't look Jordan in the eye. He had continued sleeping on the couch and in the end he hadn't gone to Jordan's birthday party. He had even managed to find a gift with Gwen's help, but he had just told Arthur to give it to him when he had left. Merlin had just scrambled through his homework. With Arthur, he had barely spoken to or even seen during the weekend. He had asked once if Merlin would come to sleep in their bed again, but Merlin had refused even if he felt painfully aware during his light and fragmented sleep that he was alone and on Arthur's couch. He didn't feel he deserved to be close to Arthur, to be comforted by his closeness right now. To make matters worse, Arthur didn't seem affected at all. Actually, every time Merlin looked, Arthur seemed to consume more and more space of their bed and sleep more soundly than before. It was unfair, but Merlin wished Arthur would also feel even a little bit lonely and ask him to come back to bed again. Maybe then Merlin would say yes and move back to their bed.

It was needless to say that the day dragged. Merlin had to fight not to fall asleep the whole day and he was so stressed about the tattoo that he couldn't get past thinking of it all the time. His mother had applied lotion to it at least five times a day during the weekend because Merlin had not been able to relax or concentrate if she hadn't and now he had to wait until he got home! He had thought of asking Arthur to apply some during the school day, during lunch or before football, but he couldn't think where and how without it either looking suspicious or public. They had PE today, but the only options he could think of were Arthur coming to a single bathroom with him or him having to take his shirt off and let the incomplete tattoo be displayed to the whole class. Neither felt possible and so he was out of options. Or at least he would have been if Gwen hadn't listened his dilemma during the lunch, taken a tube of basic cream out of her bag, pulled the collar of Merlin's old t-shirt, because it didn't matter if it got greasy or not, and just patted some on Merlin's skin. She was fast and her motions so purposeful that when she dropped the cream to her bag and continued eating, even Merlin had to admit that it wouldn't get attention from anyone. He wasn't sure what he would do without Gwen.

A bit less stress or not, PE was horrendous. Merlin got his energy to even stay standing mainly from his dislike of the coach and when his face started to really make Merlin angry, he just arrogantly removed himself from the class and went to the storage room to pretend he was getting everything ready for football. The coach said nothing, as expected. The piles of plastic covered mattresses had never looked so tempting and Merlin wished he could trust that no-one (including the coach) would come in so he could take a nap. His muscles hurt, mainly his neck, and even his skin felt tender. The tattoo was itching again and if he hadn't been too tired to care, he would have added being hungry to the list too. He should start taking some snacks with him. Especially on Monday's and for Arthur too, Arthur was always hungry these days.

Eventually the class ended and the gym got quiet in seconds after a huge noise of more than twenty boys wanted out of school at once. The empty gym soothed Merlin. He leaned onto the doorframe of the storage room for a bit. He would have his fifteen blissful minutes of silence and then... he would survive until five and then... he had promised to make dinner and he was quite sure he had something to do, but he couldn't remember what. Probably something for the school. Plus homework, obviously. So this quiet fifteen minutes should have been his time, but just when he was about to get back to the storage room and finally get all the equipment ready, the gym door opened and in walked a girl.

Merlin had heard of the new student and he was almost sure he had already seen her. Actually, he was sure, because he knew this was the new student, but he had just had zero interest until now that she was standing there, the coach walking towards her looking like he had been expecting her.

She was one year older than him, in Elyan's class. Rumours stated that her family was rich even by this school's standards and Merlin had to admit that she was beautiful in a very classical way. She wasn't cute or girly or doll-like like Vivian. Her brown hair framed her pale, determined face beautifully and she looked a lot more like an adult than most at their age.

Merlin knew the clock was ticking, but he was interested now and so he lingered and listened. Apparently she was there to offer her help. That should have been music to Merlin's ears, but somehow, it was not and when the coach told her to talk with Arthur, he just felt bitter. He retired to the storage room again. 'Yes, please, more responsibility for Arthur!' He thought while he carried piles of footballs to the gym with new energy fueled by annoyance. But it just got worse when Arthur jogged to the gym.

Usually Arthur used the last of the quiet minutes to first adjust himself into being a captain rather than a classmate and then when the others started to fill the gym, he would shortly tell Merlin his plan for the day. Merlin decided he didn't like routines braking when the coach waved Arthur over. And that he definitely didn't like the dumbfounded look on Arthur's face.

As Arthur started to walk towards the girl, Merlin took a better look of her. Apart from being beautiful, she was also built in a way that told of regular exercise and she had good posture that spoke of confidence. All of which Merlin always felt he lacked.

Merlin knew his watching was obvious, but the girl hadn't even glanced at him. Her eyes were on Arthur who now stood dumbly in front of her. The girl seemed to find that amusing. "My name is Mithian and I'm here to offer my help, pleased to meet you too, Arthur" she said with an emphatic tone that suggested she had been waiting for Arthur to talk first. Her tone was almost regal and Merlin knew immediately that she was accustomed to a certain level of propriety. He was now sure he didn't like this girl much, but the way Arthur seemed to snap out of his reverie was almost unbearable. He looked a tad uncomfortable now and Merlin was pretty sure he was seeing a blush.

At the same time Oliver walked into the gym with Elyan laughing about something before noticing the girl, Mithian, and soon after that the gym started to fill and the not-so-subtle pointing out of the abnormal appearance of a female in their gym preventing Merlin from hearing more. He huffed in frustration and dropped the balls from his arms and returned to the storage room, which was next to the main door of the gym, mainly to hear better.

Arthur stating "You are most welcome." was the first thing he could hear and that didn't please Merlin too much. "Well, I have heard so much about you, so it is my pleasure." Mithian replied easily and Merlin twitched. Not 'the team' but 'you'. "Um..." was Arthur's intelligent reply and Merlin wanted to kick something. He could imagine Arthur's dumbfounded face all too well. "Are we going to stand here the whole day or get to the play?" Mithian finally asked, sounding amused and perfectly not embarrassed and Merlin decided that regal had been the right word to describe her. He didn't like this at all. "Yes of course, let me get through the warm up and then we can continue with some introductions." and that was that. Something sank to the bottom of Merlin's stomach and he had to find some more balls to carry out in order not to get stuck to the spot.

"Merlin! Is this supposed to be a line?" Arthur yelled at him the moment he walked out. He was standing next to the balls Merlin had just dropped previously. "I have plenty of time to form a perfectly good line while you lot run around the gym!" he shot back automatically, but he felt heat rise to his face. He hadn't remembered that he was supposed to make a line... Arthur laughed and ruffled Merlin's hair when he jogged past him before starting to yell instructions. He seemed to be in a way better mood than during the whole of Spring.

During the practice Merlin paid more attention than he ever did. He followed every movement Arthur made, especially when he talked with Mithian. It turned out she had been the captain of her previous school's girls football team, but in this school the girls didn't even have a team, so here she was. All in all she seemed like the exact opposite of Merlin. It was obvious that what Arthur had tried to explain to Merlin regularly for the last three years, Mithian already knew and not just by heart but by practice. She was going to be a lot of help very soon. Merlin knew he should be happy about that, but even if seeing Arthur so happy made him a bit happy too, he was jealous. He wished that he could have done the same, as Jordan had suggested. That he had the skills and the confidence.

He also came to a conclusion that Arthur hadn't asked him to form any kind of line, he had probably meant to, but they hadn't talked like they usually did and it seemed Arthur hadn't even noticed. During the last hour it seemed that Mithian had learned mostly everybody's names (something that had taken Merlin almost a year) and Arthur got to play so Mithian 'could observe the play and report on what she saw'. When the rest of the team had gone to the showers, Arthur sounded almost shy, of all things, when he asked if Mithian could come some other days too. Mithian laughed sweetly and replied that she could come back every day from now on.

"Aren't you going to be bored?" Arthur asked, surprised, but Mithian just smiled some more and replied simply with "Arthur, I love football." Arthur looked at her with pleasant surprise written all over his face. "Really?" he asked. "Really." Mithian answered, again sounding amused and it was settled, Mithian would come every day from now on.

The walk to home was long. Arthur was all smiles and Merlin used all of his remaining energy to keep his expression nothing else but happy for Arthur. Or at least passive. Arthur was oblivious to his struggles and kept babbling about how great this new girl, or woman as Arthur called her, was. At home they had food ready waiting for them. Arthur was ravenous as usually and Merlin knew he should be too, but he didn't feel like eating and so he ate only enough to satisfy his need for energy and to keep his mother happy. Arthur also told Hunith all about Mithian and how everything would change now and how great everything was. After dinner Merlin busied himself with the last history assignment he had left for the year.

"That isn't due to another month." Arthur commented at some point, but Merlin wasn't in the mood to try and find out what was really bugging him this time nor was he in the mood to talk about it. Concentrating on school work let him take a break from himself. He just made a small noise to indicate that he had heard Arthur. "...Are you coming back to bed tonight?" Arthur asked after it was obvious Merlin wouldn't say anything else.

It should have been easy to just say that yes, if Arthur wanted him there, he didn't want to sleep another night on the couch in his life ever again, but Merlin didn't want to think, he didn't want to talk. He just wanted to read and find out how Hitler took control of the whole government and why nobody did anything to prevent it so he almost snapped "No. I'll just grease the bed. I'll sleep on the couch until the tattoo is healed."

There was a pause before Arthur sighed and leaned his forehead gently to Merlin's left shoulder. "Alright, I can wait." he said quietly, sounding almost regretful, or was Merlin imagining that? And then Arthur's weight was gone and he announced he would go for a jog.

As soon as Merlin could see Arthur jogging towards the park from their window, Merlin let his head fall to their desk. What was he doing? He was too tired to think and he was too tired of himself. He was again back where he had started this year. Would he have to start over again? The amount of effort felt impossibly large and he wondered if he had gotten better at all, what if he always needed to struggle just to keep from getting worse?

* * *

A/N And ready. Finally. I'm sorry for the long wait, I swear, I am so done with this chapter. I have written and re-written it at least four times now. I hope you have enjoyed it, because at this point, I don't even want to see it, I'm so happy that I have the next chapter lined out and I can write something new. Also, I have to use a loaned computer at the moment that has a space key that works mostly randomly, it drives me nuts! And I don't even want to start how it makes my school work... My salvation is that I have an amazing beta, MalteseFalconM, who you all can thank for the quality of this chapter. Now, I hope to get the next chapter out in more reasonable time, but to be honest, I have a lot on my plate for this spring and it may take a while. I hope that some of you will still be around to read this and the next chapter! Thank you all for your comments and you know, just for being here so I can keep enjoy writing some more :)

-L

MalteseFalconM You are a treasure! Not even mentioning all the help I have gotten from you, it's awesome to read your review like this (with nothing to do with my grammar!). Vivian really is somehow the most difficult person for Arthur to deal with, he never knows what she is thinking and what to say to her! I enjoy writing her, even if she might be the most different character compared to the tv show. Or maybe because of that :P Let's see if she will appear in the next chapter more ;)

mersan123 Yes, little steps. But with that chapter I also wanted to show, how to a victim of abuse, it's not so simple as 'over'. It is and Merlin knows that very well, but it all has a strong hold of him not to mention all the regret... and I guess I continued with that theme in my mind in this chapter too. Maybe in the next one too... Hope you enjoyed this chapter and thank you for your comment, as always, it's amazing how you always see the effort to comment :)

Greedy Reader Your comment is the most precious to me: I am not boring! That mean the world to me, I think my biggest struggle (apart of the grammar...) is that I feel that I could rant on and on about feelings... my favourite thing to write about. The most important thing of this subject if you want to think about it that way. For what would abuse be, if it didn't make any difference in an emotional level? Uther, or what he has done, will stay with Merlin for the rest of his life. Now it's all about finding balance and ways to process and eventually, get over it and leave Uther to suffer the consequences of his actions somewhere far away from both Arthur and Merlin. No need for you to feel sorry for not reviewing, it's my fault for being so irregular with my updates:D I was very happy to see your comment and thank you for commenting both chapters! I hope you find this update too! Oh and yes, I actually thought of Merlin's name too, but since it's an idiom to 'watch like a hawk',I used that... So funny that you thought the same thing as me! :D

Angel Dove1 Yes! She is a people watcher! A very accurate term to describe what I have wanted her to be, thank you for that! :) And yes, I think Merlin has still a long way to even understanding that Uther really did what he did for his personal pleasure and that the only mistake Merlin made, was not to tell anyone, but that is also something I hope I have been able to describe well enough: how scary it is to even think of telling to someone. How it became the whole world and how it doesn't end even when it legally does. But anyway, I had fun writing Vivian and to finally reveal some of the stuff I have thought she has been thinking during the story, but never got to write before :) It's great that you liked the chapter, I hope you enjoyed this one too!

Guest You are not being rude, I have a lot of words that I tend to misspell like that... I'm so lucky that I have a beta now!

Guest That is good, it means I have been able to write him right.

Guest Nice to hear :) I also don't like fics that are too much just straight from the original source material, but I wanted to use it just a little ;) Good to hear you have continued reading even with all my mistakes, This year has been very full and so it might take a while before we get to betaing the early chapters. I also find it hard to concentrate on writing something new while reading something old at the same time...

Guest What an interesting review! Thank you! Yes, that is a way of looking at it,Arthur really doesn't let himself doubt his only family member.

Guest Camera in, in my understanding, a surprisingly common. Many who do things like this tend to also make their own child pornography out of it. It is disgusting and a very effective way of blackmailing the victim at the same time.

Guest That is a very sad story... I wish that with this story I could raise even a little bit of awareness so people would notice those kind of signs better. They are not easy to read most of the time and in a way, depressed people do want attention, someone to notice and help... Even those, who don't have that kind of a depression who seek attention really need help, not with what seems obvious, but there is something that is not right, something they feel bad about and try to fill it with whatever method they choose to get the attention.

Guest Yes, well, I feel the same. It is a very selected few people with such a mentality that they can't recognise their own feelings... Besides teenagers talk all the time about crushes and such things and our media and popular culture, songs, books, movies targeted to teenagers... so even if someone had no interest on the subject, it really can't come as a total 'never heard of this phenomenon' kind of surprise... Great that I made you laugh :) Not too many of those moments in this fic, right? And Gwaine is one of my favourites, so glad to hear you liked him too and that you thought he fit :)

Guest I am a bit proud that this chapter had such a strong impact on you, I wanted the whole kissing thing to be a big deal. It's not logical why something 'so small' would feel the one thing that Merlin found he couldn't do and maybe if Uther had pressed on it more or Arthur hadn't said what he did Merlin would have eventually done it, but it was something more concrete because Merlin had wanted to kiss Arthur before and less passive, to actually do something that was a clear act of affection that we all have done to our parents when little and it has just started to form new meanings, but is still very clear to us that it stands for love and affection that Merlin in no way had for Uther.

Newmera I have to say that I am impressed that you read the whole thing in a week, this ain't a short fic! Also great to hear such compliments, I worry constantly that this fic is too long and too boring :P I hope you have stuck around for this long, I really didn't intent the wait to drag like this... I really hope to get my own computer back soon and get the next chapter out maybe in a month, I don't think I can get it done any faster, but at least it shouldn't take a year!

MillaMaxwell12 Hi! Long time no see, hope you enjoyed this chapter after such a long wait!

loveagoodstory101 Thank you so much! :)

X.M.S Beauregard I so do hope you liked the story also after reading it and that you also read this chapter and enjoyed it. Thank you for leaving a comment, it was very interesting to see a pre-review! :)

Henrietta0777 Ah, me too, me too, they have earned it, haven't they? Finally to be able to be a normal teenage couple and learn about their sexuality together.


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